#so we’re gonna give it some time but !!!!!!!!!
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five stages of grief but it’s five stages of social anxiety
#walk with me#this morning i got a bouquet delivered to me at work randomly out of nowhere#the note basically said that i could count of the person even if for just some words of advice or a gesture that could make me laugh or mad#count on the person**#i immediately knew it’s from one of my coworkers and ngl i have a very charged?? relationship with them#in the sense that it’s very intense and we can be laughing joking and teasing or we can be really angry and pissed with each other#it can have very extreme emotions even if we just chill most of the time#idk why i think this whole year i’ve been leaning on them more?? and we started texting more often too#so we’ve been more properly friends lately#and for one i was SO EMBARRASSED for getting flowers bc my coworkers tease the shit out of everyone myself included and i’m not used to#gestures like that so obviously they were on my ass all day about it#and everyone asked about them and it’s EMBARRASSING to get that much attention#(me: i wanna be a singer / also me: can’t stand to be the center of attention)#anyway the person that sent them avoided me yesterday out of nowhere??? idk if they thought i was mad bc i didn’t reply to their texts all#weekend but i literally never reply to anyone and pms was a bitch and i just wanted to be alone#so they didn’t talk to me on monday i was mostly just working listening to music bc i was still emotional whatever#and today i did talk to my other coworkers bc it’s the day when my favorite coworker comes in and i talk to them a lot so i engaged more#and they were still ignoring me and then the flowers came in and we didn’t say a single word to each other today we just texted#they told me they sent them and that ‘they forgot’ what they sent and that it was just meant to be a nice gesture#and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek#i literally just want to tell them I HAD PMS ITS FINE I FEEL SUICIDAL ALL THE TIME and move on#bc now i’m second guessing everything they’re saying bc i thought we were friends and there’s no reason why friends can’t send each other#flowers or whatever but they’ve been avoiding me and then they keep answering my texts really weirdly and i always misinterpret flirting bc#i’m never outright romantic with anyone?? plus we’re FRIENDS i should have no reason to think that’s changed#but they’re being so weird and why get me FLOWERS??? idk get me a chocolate or a coffee i don’t NEED flowers#and then i said it was random to give me flowers out of nowhere and they’re like no it’s serious bro what’s serious??????#your feelings towards me?? or just your will to cheer me up???#if they don’t reply straight up in their next texts i’m gonna flat out say but it was a platonic gesture right???#so yeah i’m overthink getting flowers bc what’s the social code for that and what is one supposed to do when they get flowers from a friend#delivered to their joint workplace where everyone can see them and think they’re from a partner or something
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oh i can already tell i’m about to have some really unpopular opinions about the edge of sleep tv show
#i remember everyone loving the podcast when it came out#but as someone who was an active fan of audio dramas and podcasts for years at that point the show just. made me frustrated#i realized later after listening to left right game that qcode has this very strange and almost uncanny production behind it#where they get incredibly famous actors to play characters and then bank their marketing on that alone#and the writing is always *almost* good. like sometimes you start to think you might actually be listening to a good show#bc i mean the audio quality and special effects are all stellar#but then the writing and acting is always just a little bit too over-the-top and dramatic for it to feel natural#like the writers don’t know how to portray emotion without visuals so they just make everything Way Too Intense#and each time it feels like they just ask ‘what’s the most insane thing that can happen next?’#’oh ok he’s gonna chop dave’s dick off’#and every time you start to actually like a character they say something misogynistic or just otherwise batshit fucking insane#not to mention that time in left right game where a girl confessed her love to her best friend before LITERALLY DYING FOR HER#only for the best friend in the next scene to be like ‘erm i’m not gay 😐 awkward…’ and she’s NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN#qcode productions are kinda like the fast fashion of fiction podcasts i think#they churn out so many so quickly and they always feel just slightly unnatural or superficial#not to mention when i tried looking into them years ago and it’s impossible to find#literally anything about them. like their minimalist ass website was so insanely insanely vague#and yet clearly they’ve gotta have a fuck ton of money backing them to have this absurd amount of a-list talent on board#(which really i think that is all they care about)#anyways yeah some markiplier fans are gonna get pissed at me for not kissing the ground he walks on. but i was one of you. i AM one of you#and i hate that somebody out there is holding the iron lung movie over us like we’re dogs and if we wanna watch it#we gotta watch this show. which BTW they are giving no details about where to watch it#and seemingly no promotion or marketing material for a show that’s been in production for years coming out in less than 3 weeks#just weird as fuck man. and i don’t even think mark has much to do with it
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• how many characters are in your current wip?
• current fave fic?
• share a line from you fic that contains: year, open, flower, or tell :)
• what would your current wip get cancelled on twitter for?
here are the questions about your wips too because i need to know <3
Hi Gi welcome to the rawnsyf q&a section because I am legally banned from working on other stories until this chapter is posted <33
1. Oh gosh uh… 10 so far with speaking roles I think, 17 I believe, including people mentioned who don’t speak? That’s what you get when a work gets that long I guess 😭
2. That I’ve read or written? That’s honestly such a hard one I’ve read so many incredible amazing fics. I am currently in my @aqpippin obsession era and sleeping with strangers actively changed my entire life by being so good, you already know that the as of yet unpublished halldoll hanahaki WILL be on this list as soon as you finish it and let me see it 👀 and then of course I have to include the fic that inspired me to start writing and publishing my own drag race fanfic, no different from anywhere else (lovingly called bodyguard au by me). As for my own fic? I’m very proud of my newest one :) and I have a few things im working on in my brain that I’m excited to get onto paper
3.
Year- “oh my god, what are you, four years old? They’re olives, Anetra. Who hurt you? What kind of person doesn’t like olives?”
Open- Anetra seemed uncomfortable, looking around the room — at the posters in the wall, out the open window, anywhere but Marcia.
Flower- “There’s pepperoni on there, you delicate flower. Just pick off the olives before you eat it and you have your boring pepperoni pizza right there,” Marcia remarked.
Tell- “And for the record, you initiated everything. Every time. I have never pushed you to do anything you didn’t want to do, that you didn’t literally tell me you were sure you wanted to do.”
4. Homophobic main character for sure :)
#oh rawnsyf we’re really in it this time#I need to edit and post so I can write other things I s2g#I have like. 6 different things i really want to write#but noooo I have to finish this first#jk I’m excited#I just hate editing#oh pizza scene god bless you for giving me possible quotes for all 4 of these words#I did try to spread the love though. slightly#I did try to spread the love though. slightly.#anyways I’m gonna cram edit today and try to bully my beta into sending me more edits and then hopefully if I can be enough of a bitch#we can get it up by nye#no promises though I’m super busy tomorrow#ask#asks#my writing#rawnsyf#running away will never set you free#thecollectionsof#there was another luxx line I wanted to use for tell but alas#I wanted some drama#anyways hi I love you thanks for sending these :)#time 2 edit now that I’ve opened the document and have no excuse not to
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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kinda crazy but…
im gay for you
:o no way i’m also gay for u <3
#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot#i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama#because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions#and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time#one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly#and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh#but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher#anyway#i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!!#but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there#so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice#and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs#for robotics if we qualify#which my hopes are vaguely high this year#but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do ://///#and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute#it’s really bad#anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown#idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear#and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that#but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to#i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people#who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young#and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight#so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down#i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year#and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule#i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here#and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow#bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds#and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc#- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it#i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly#but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good#ted talks#the west wing
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guys im actually a bit (cautiously) excited for v.eilguard (still hasn’t finished inquisition)
#i have some concerns specifically concerning how heavily involved the crows are#and the fact that we can be a crow ourselves + another crow companion who has a very different background from zevran#from what i understood#like if i had to guess they’re probably do another character contrast? like how they did with vivienne and anders#but also it’s like dgjdgjdg i just don’t trust bw to handle it well 😭#if they don’t retcon the antivan crows to this cool edgy assassins guild which from what i have seen……. it seems so 😭#like there’s nothing in the world that could make me give a shit about the antivan crows im so sorry#i also wonder how they’ll handle the rook crow background which i also suspect won’t be handled/addressed well :/#BUT IDK I COULD BE WRONG im gonna actually withhold my judgments until i actually play the game and see it for myself#which i will be playing on release day ❤️#it’s just something that’s on my mind every time i see vg spoilers 😭#im just so worried about this and im still not reassured that they won’t do this but i can’t say i’d be surprised if they did#im also soooo happy and excited to see the grey wardens again im so glad they brought them back 🥹#UGH I NEED TO KEEP PLAYING but trying to finally get a specialization (knight enchanter) is sooo annoying 😭#out.#im so excited to start planning my rook im thinking of going for lords of fortune#and predictably im gonna make a sideblog 😭#and there’s gonna be a huge da fandom revival when the game comes out and im not looking forward to it really 😭 the fandom is so annoying#AND ALSO WE’RE GONNA SEE ANTIVA I THINK? IM SO EXCITED
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This is kind of about that small talk post but I’m derailing it so I’m not reblogging but, like, I think the reason I personally dislike small talk is because it has never once worked for me. Idk if it’s autism or just doing it wrong or not even my fault but like, every single time irl without fail someone has immediately moved on to talking to someone else after they get past the how are you section of it
I know I said I had selective mutism since I was 14 but honestly it might’ve just been post covid and before that I just got ignored into silence lol 😭 I have so many memories of trying to join in on a convo and absolutely no one listening to me
anyways i cant tell if this is a vent or what but anyways! that’s just my experience
#like. i think the last time my family tried to talk to me was when i was too young to speak to them as an equal#and so at some point i started giving up#we’re a very talkative adhd-ridden family so if ur quiet u ain’t gonna be heard#i’m still a little bitter over no one even bothering to message me after my grandma died#but that’s a whole other can of worms#and also probably my own doing
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group work is Not It. I should have known better than to enroll in an engagement course that involves planning workshops with a group of other students……. guess who is doing all the work! :^) Back in tha day my teachers called me a ‘natural leader’… fun fact!!!! I am actually not! I do not like being in charge! it is actually just that people take advantage of me! Hope this helps
#God. I wanted to take the class so bad bc it’s about the history of art in prison systems#and it involves a weekly art workshop in a prison#the group that runs it is pretty blatantly abolitionist and partially run by formerly incarcerated ppl#so it’s made pretty clear that we're not ‘teaching’ art bc thats weird and enforcing a hierarchy if ur a 'teacher'#its more like a way to get materials inside and basically hang out with and make art alongside incarcerated ppl#under the guise of ‘volunteering’ as the dept of corrections labels it#anyway that’s all off topic but basically I am doing all the fucking work lmao we’re supposed to go in for the first time tomorrow and#my group members suck shit at communicating and the person who’s supposed to drive is like radio silent whenever I ask#where we should meet and shit#FUCK!!! I hate logistical shit like this#its taken us a million years to get cleared by the system (on purpose i stg) so its literally midterm time and we havent gotten in yet#i swear if our first one gets jeopardized by this girl who refuses to check her damn texts or emails or even come to class im gonna be so#pissed. lmfao#goddddd this is giving me flashbacks to when i took the class where we were supposed to do workshops at an elementary school#different vibe because in that scenario it was definitely supposed to be educational and we lowkey were 'teachers'#but my classmates also didnt do shit and i also ended up doing literally everything#WHY TAKE A CLASS LIKE THIS IF U DONT WANNA DO IT LIKE SERIOUS QUESTION#maybe they just want to put it on their resume LOL#they need a vetting process for this class i stg like interview these bitches before they enroll#cuz some of these people fr do not care
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Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.
Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑
God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…
#this is a lot of text#not really a casual read#ok ok… I can’t sit outside forever#gonna go back inside and I dunno make a hot chocolatey drink. grab some snacks#TRY to feel good even though I don’t#YES will probably get a little high#hoping that the combo of sugar. salt. and thc will give me the sleepy tools to just pass out for awhile#just a few more hours! please!#omg I was so pissed when I woke up and thought I’d slept for awhile but realized I hadn’t#’ what do you mean the last text I sent was only two hours ago? ‘#seriously. I thought I fell asleep around 11 pm but it was closer to 1am.#stupid sexy ativan. messing with my sense of time#it really wasn’t that big of a dose! I was basically a little buzzed for an hour or so each time#but the doctor was nice and straightforward with me. I just dunno tho. I’m a big guy with a history of anxiety. .5mg is weaksauce#god I’m getting anxious just sitting here thinking about trying to sleep again#it’s feeding on itself. I’m trying to rationalize this but it’s just this feedback loop.#is this my life now? I’m outside. I feel so alone. I feel like I could die any moment. in a sword of Damocles way. it’s there and waiting.#ok sitting outside isn’t helping#after 4am and yes I see cars driving by. I hear the occasional siren. but I still feel alone in the world#please tell me life goes on? please tell me we’re not really at the end here.#I always feel like I’m staring at our final days. that we’re all barely here. fucking ghost planet. waiting to die.#there’s war and hate and everything is expensive and I can’t.. I’m not a part of this world. I’m too poor and sickly and so it all seems…#like we’re on our last leg. like the final days of a fire sale. this body feels fit for the grave. this world is the grave.#I’m scared#ok like I said sitting out here isn’t helping. Ian. please stop.#yes. yes. ok. snacks and drinks and distracting tv. let’s try this again.#sorry this is a lot#I spent the last 20 minutes writing these tags and getting progressively more anxious 😬#you can ignore this#text
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My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽
#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I’m running on two hours of sleep again#i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it#and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again#everything I am everything I do has to be for other people#im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her#and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too#also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset#she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits#all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged#sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining#here’s to a better day for us all#melifails#now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on#im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap#😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face#our football field is NOT kind in this way#hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long#im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor#so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did#bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah
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my department is apparently no longer hybrid, but “on-site with ad-hoc remote work”. i’m just gonna see how long i can get away with ignoring that
#txt#i do have an accommodation that says i can wfh when i have a migraine.#but when i was asking for the accommodation i guesstimated that that’d intersect with my in-person days like once or twice a month.#i do absolutely need to have the option to wfh multiple times per week.#but getting an accommodation for THAT is going to be way more difficult. bc it’s not JUST migraines‚ it’s a combination of my various psych#afflictions and not-properly-diagnosed chronic pain *and* the complex whole-body rube goldberg pain machine that is my chronic migraines.#it’s not necessarily ‘i will be in unbearable pain if i do this’.#it’s ‘i will be perpetually drained and my low-level pain will be worse snd i will have no life outside of work and recuperating from work’.#it’s also weird that they’re ending hybridhood *now*.#it’s not like we’re at a particular milestone in pandemic recovery. although our admin did mention entering a ‘busy period’.#it’s not even necessary lmao. we get by fine. we get by BETTER when we’re not all there.#oh man. i just realized. everyone being on-site is gonna make the autism/anxiety so much worse.#i honestly think this policy shift might be related to me.#bc our program director started emphasizing the importance of being onsite on x days… shortly after i started working hybrid‚ but had to wfh#on some of those days#for disability reasons.#anyway. government pleeeaaase give my old lab more money so i can go back. pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaazeeeee#edited
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Ngl i am very excited for the trip but a bunch of shit keep coming up like i feel like I could just use the pocket money I have for like groceries because 😭
#i’m not gonna be able to save much for next month mdkkdks plus helping grandparents with their roof#plus doggie time to buy their food and have to give my sister money every few days because she’s working now#and she commutes#and we’re in the philippines so#it is gonna be typhoon season babyy at least it’s not gonna be as hot anymore#and electeicity is gonna go down#rants n rambles#welp i can’t really do much about this my mom doesn’t have money anymore for da month I’ll just see if i could like take an early comm#cause i wanna go on that trip boi#😎 im going to that trip despite my big anxiety#i need to touch some grass
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Man I need an unhappy but stubborn marriage ship huh
#I was gonna say another one but fluent in violence was just. those bitches clawin at each other lol#it was straightforward#the um. the time enough together build resentment is what I mean. the brief glimmers of adoration and remembering why they signed up for#this. even if they were willing to split up they’d never do it because the public image. the stubborn unbreakable loyalty. nobody else can#touch you but I’ll never give you a soft hand. not except those aching moments where we’re both flayed open and the silence is uncomfortable#because neither of us remembers how to do it. to hold this softness. this care. and then for weeks after they can’t stop thinking about it.#they both crave more of that connection so badly. it’s the sort of relationship where neither of them is necessarily worse than the other#they just. don’t fit together right. but they tried. and they tried. and at some point it became a matter of pride. of ‘um going to Make#this work’. especially if they only got together for social or political purposes or smth. it’s pride on the line and they’d sooner claw out#their teeth than give in now. it’s become a challenge. bend and become something that fits me or break and leave. they’re both so determined#to be the one to hold out in the end that it’s become this self perpetuating thing. you ask them something about one of their lives and they#can both answer it confidently. they know each others lives like the back of their hands. this leads to moments of voices slowly raising#over each other with corrections- although they’d never properly argue here. not with an audience. or it’s a moment of harmony. finishing#each others sentences and falling hand in hand into nostalgia. they each want the other to give in SO badly. they’re never going to ask it.#if they did end up going their own ways. there would be hurt feelings. but they would still care about each other. they’d be better friends#than they ever were as a couple but they refuse to consider that. do u SEE WHAT IM SAYING#< found that one playlist again
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i’m soooo talented i can cry about a fake birthday’s party almost a month after my birthday
#personal#my dad was having a delusion about my birthday and i was home alone tee hee#no so get off early from work bc i have to go in tomorrow but hey that’s some overtime#anyway so i get home and watch dad so my mom and the lady living with us can go grab dinner plus relax#but like 3 hours in and my dads having a delusional about my birthday#so i call my mom bc i can’t tell like hey surprise brithday dinner or and she’s IMMEDIATELY like i’m on my way#like okay. not what i asked. and then i asked and she’s like no he’s just crazy#come back and my dads pushed his chair out and is just walking and i’m like oh fuck not again#so anyway think she’s on her way home from a twenty minutes location#30 minutes pass and she’s still not here and dads getting worse#he’s demanding to go into my room to get my gifts m#btw my room is a mess bc i haven’t had time to clean since getting a new job actually :) and also moving out and back in#so i’m like worried one he’s gonna break soemthing of mine or hurt himself and he won’t fucking listen that he can’t go in#we compromise it works out#then he’s demeanding to go outside to get in and im like dad we’re inside the house already#and he’s insisting about the catering company and how i always have to plan my own stuff and never have fun and he wants this perfect#for me which like. great sentiment. i’m crying and arguing bc you’re not helping me#aka sitting down and he’s getting upset with me and it’s like i cannot give you the impossible#mom comes home and i chew her out in front of the lady living with us so classy on my part#but i go back and im like im not trying to be mean to you. but you need to help me if you want my help#don’t say ur on ur way unless ur own ur way. and she’s like well you know the place and im like then say ur in line. well i had to get a#tip. then say ur getting a tip. don’t say ur own ur way unless you are#and i thought she was sad so i’m like i love you but i just need this behavior to stop#and she’s starts laughing bc i’m treating her like she’s my kid and i’m forgetting myself#and i’m telling her well you’re forcing me to#and im like i can move out again ( she doesn’t know that i probably cannot emotionally)#and that if she expects adult help she cannot treat me like a child#and i’m not saying i have free reign in the house but i am saying you can’t have it both ways. just communicate with me#and also asked if she could see how this was mean or rude to me and she was like yeah but reluctantly and all but rolling her eyes#i’m not saying she can’t have fun just talk to me. told her i’m not playing these games during my vacation
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My dying houseplant and I are chillin in the sun both trying to absorb nutrients we are currently lacking. Bestie activities <3
#I have no idea what kind of plant he even is#I stole him from momma because she was going to put him outside in the cold to put him out of his misery#which is like. I don’t understand why you would do that. It’s a plant.#like just water it and see if it comes back. it literally had some green leaves left.#I think she felt guilty because she forgot about it in a hot dark room and never watered it#anyways#I took him and I watered him and I removed his dead leaves#and guess what?#he’s growing a whole new stem/branch thing 🥰#again I have no idea what kind of plant he is. he just looks like a bunch of sticks in dirt rn#but he has so many new leaves coming out!! and they’re everywhere!#I’m so proud of him#he hasn’t gotten a lot of sunlight but I don’t want to overwhelm him so I’m just bringing him with me for some temporary sun time#I’m drinking coffee and having a chat with him :) he’s such a sweetie#I believe in him#we’re both gonna get through this little buddy#we’re gonna live!!!#I guess it just bothers me that someone would give up on a living thing just because it’s not doing good#especially when it’s an easy fix#like what if we tried believing in the future. what then. what if this plant would florish if we just gave it a chance#anyways. I love him#my post#houseplant updates
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