#so the anxiety meds are working i think but the adhd meds still need some work

[cipher26]

i get really frustrated with days like today where i’m not feeling bad, but i also can’t function normally or feed myself, which blows up my plans for doing anything cause i can’t get it together. i also think right now though, because i’ve been working so much and moving, and basically been busy nonstop for the past few months, i’m having a hard time making my body remember how to relax. and also it’s been so long since i’ve lived in the city and been on my own with any free time, i just like...have forgotten what it’s like to live? lol. which i know sounds stupid, but really, i’ve forgotten about a lot of things that I can do in the city, and the places I can go since it was all unavailable to me for...really a few years. because even before moving to jersey for awhile it was covid and everything was closed and unsafe, so i really haven’t like, gone out and around very much in a really really long time.

also doesn’t help that i’m still horrifically out of shape and my knee still hurts daily. anyway idk what the point of this post is...i think i’m just frustrated with today cause i was gonna go out and do stuff but i was exhausted and my place is a bit of a mess cause i’ve been working so much i haven’t had time to keep it clean. so instead i’ve just been sitting around all day trying and failing to make my body go do things.

[mejomonster]

Also I drink a pot or more of coffee a day. I wonder if it helps me manage as much as I'm even doing

Just. Hella frustrating I'm putting in hours and days of extra work to do what other people do in so much less. -.- without the anxiety of upsetting others and without just flat out getting unfocused and unable to focus and not even able to do anything to enjoy (but I got strategies for that too! A long list of hobbies I like I cycle through so if I lose ability to click with anything at least it only lasts 3 weeks or less now)

I just. Is that treatment for adhd anyway...? You just do ur coping skills like all the extra writing and notes and reminders and calendar alarms and extra hours to plan for how long it will take you Extra. Am I already doing all that can be done :c

[the-moon-loves-the-sea]

As someone about to be 24 in a few months, does it really get better the older you get? Genuinely confused and wondering because I feel like everyday I'm dragging my feet to just catch up to my peers -Sun

I promise, it really does. Our twenties are rough. That’s our very first decade on our own! You’re just getting started. And your peers who seem like they’re miles ahead of you aren’t really on the same path as you — not any more, not like when we were all in school and we had the same things to learn and the same few years to learn them in, and someone else would tell us when we were through. Now it’s all up to you what comes next.

So all of the ones who have lovers now, or their own place, or a bank account or a couple of dogs or a sense of personal style — none of them are on the same paths either. One of them will raise three kids and then years later start again with two more and do everything differently, and the first kids won’t know how to forgive them for it. And the one going on to their second degree will realize ten years later that they really hate the field they studied for. And they’ll decide to drink less or work less and have to live with the quiet when they slow down, and they’ll move in with their lovers and learn they don’t know anything yet about what they want in love or how to get it. Everyone starts over, over and over again. It’s not a race, it’s a rhythm.

But maybe you really are spinning your wheels and you don’t know how to get traction. How’s your depression? I needed meds, not the anti-anxiety meds they recommended me but proper adhd meds that took years to get. I needed my own space too. I needed new ideas. How kind are the people around you? Do they think good things about you? Are they constantly in crises? Does hearing them stop you from hearing yourself? I had to leave my hometown. I had to unlearn a lot. If you can’t leave, can you find one new person? One quiet place to think? One new author, one new song that’s angrier or lovelier that you can dance to at night or sing to yourself through a long day?

Did things get bad when you were still a kid? You might need extra time with the part of your mind that got stuck young and scared. Somatic therapy is really good. Music helps, and green space, and time working with someone who needs your company — kids or animals or older patients. Most schools and hospice programs need helpers. Making things for yourself helps too — trying until you learn what you like to write or eat or plant, not because it’s mature but because it’s yours.

And maybe you’re actually quite good at some things that you haven’t noticed because they feel easy to learn. How’s your photography, your writing, your memorization, your patience with small kids or spreadsheets or cleaning the little corners of a place? Maybe you don’t know; maybe it’ll take time to find out. If you’ve been diagnosed with anything like neurodivergence or chronic pain, the nearest town to you might have a vocational rehab center that’ll work with you to find your strengths and work you can do.

Anyway, I’m proud of you. You’re looking for hope. There is as much that’s good in the world as all the bad, and some of it is near you. I hope you know you belong here and we need you.

[stoutguts]

ADHD/neurodivergent 🧼 (💀🧼 too bc why not/it's my comfort ship and I love them)

(chock full of my own personal HCs and ideas, also mental health stuff/issues/problems heyo)

I am most definitely all for autistic Ghost, but what about ADHD brain/neurodivergent Soap? I've seen few people talk about this or explore it so here we go.

Like, even though Johnny's generally laid back, he still tends to be very hyper or high-strung. Maybe even overwhelming for some people, and is easily excited almost like a puppy (golden retriever Soap my beloved), (Ghost thinking it's literally the cutest thing ever). Bro has either the attention span of a nat or is so hyper-focused on something he forgets to blink.

He has APD (auditory processing disorder),—and will ask you to repeat yourself 15+ times before he finally understands what your saying. This is incredibly frustrating for him, but like Price will lose his shit, because having to repeat himself is like one of his pet peeves lmao. Same thing, with Yuri.

Even Ghost and Gaz get fed up with him on occasion. Though Roach doesn’t give a fuck because they’re just as ADHD as him, and just loves to talk, plus their echolalia helps to sort things out lots of times. Gaz will give him the silent treatment and refuse to talk to him. Usually when Simon finally gets irritated with him it's lead to a fight. But it isn't long before Ghost feels bad and apologizes, and reassures him saying "I know you can't help it". Simon tries to work on learning to be more patient specifically for him. 💕

He does the same things that Simon does to stim, (though particularly pacing and bouncing his leg). But he also likes to chew on everything, whether it’s a pen/pencil, a cap off a water bottle or other plastic drink bottle—(This pisses off Simon in particular, and they’re always scolding him about how he’s gonna end up choking on it. Not to mention, he always leaves the nasty ass, spit-covered things around and forgets to throw them away after he’s done with one. Either leaving Ghost to pick up after him much to his disgust, or forcing Johnny to throw his own shit away, (as he should). If he gets ahold one of those spiky silicone balls from an arcade machine he likes to bite the nibs on it, etc. Simon has even bought him some chewlery because he orally stims so much, to which Soap uses all the time and was overjoyed when Ghost first got it for him. Though his chewlery needs to constantly be replaced because Johnny has unusually strong and sharp teeth. It’s not uncommon for him to completely destroy shit that he gets his paws on. Simon often comparing him to a dog or a teething puppy.

I am also totally for Johnny being just as mentally fucked as Ghost.

He’s the four b's, bisexual, bipolar, bilingual, and a bitch.

Like Simon, Johnny has generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for similar or for maybe even the same reasons as Ghost. Not nearly to the same level of severity, but panic attacks and flashbacks do happen on occasion. As with certain things he's easily triggered.

He also struggles with bipolar disorder and/or severe manic depression. His bipolar tendencies making it incredibly difficult to maintain relationships in his youth, among many other things, (his past drug abuse/addiction only making him worse and more unstable). Though these days he’s medicated and for the most part stable, only sometimes going off his meds, (particularly when he relapses or is heavily triggered by something).

No therapist has ever been able to help Soap, though he does see a psychiatrist regularly.

Mostly for anti-psychotics and other prescription refills and the like, but can vent as much as he likes to them. Either that, or Simon doesn't mind lending an ear to listen when he needs it.

Similar to Ghost, Johnny can have very low self-esteem, but can also be of very high self-esteem, (it fluctuates due to his manic depression). And Simon is more than willing to give him reassurance and comfort, but equally doesn't mind knocking him off his high-horse, and/or, taking down his ego a few pegs if need be. (Which isn't so bad, as Johnny just so happens to have a degradation kink). >:3

Johnny is a highly reserved person, (though he’s able to put on a mask/a show for other people and strangers), and pretty stoic (all things considered), due to his traumatic upbringing. He has a very unhealthy habit of bottling up his emotions until he quite literally explodes, though he's trying to get better about that. But he can’t help but genuinely let his guard down, and has LEARNED to let his guard down around Ghost, the 1-4-1, and his sisters (the most important people in his life).

This tidbit has less to do with mental health and rather his personality but I still wanted to include it here so…

Soap is highly perceptive and emotionally intelligent. You can't hide anything from him as he can always tell when someone's lying to him, and he always knows when something's wrong. A true empath. He's also a very good liar himself because of this, but he uses this secret power responsibly, and would never lie to those closest to him and/or his loved ones.

All members of the 1-4-1 having highly specific phobias? Yes please.

As for Johnny…

He is deathly afraid of needles and hospitals (Trypanophobia and Nosocomephobia), because when he was growing up and as a young kid he was quite sickly, and often was in and out of the hospital. He's immunocomprised and gets sicks all the time, most of the time nowadays when he gets sick it's just a small cold, with the occasional illness that may put him out of commission for a bit—Simon always doting over him and making sure he’s okay when he even so much as senses he’s got a runny nose—Johnny finding it incredibly endearing, but when he was a child it was horrible. When he was hospitalized he'd suffer at the hands of doctors and nurses much too often, going through one too many traumatic experiences. Mostly, because of incompetence or just straight up apathy. Getting his IV done is the worst, because he's cursed with almost non-existent and small veins. Oh so jealous, of Ghost's huge and bulging veins. Someone will stick him upwards of 10 times or more, or until his arms are swollen, until they finally get it right usually. Not to mention, Johnny also has Hemophilia, and so he bleeds a lot which only makes it even more distressing. Soap specifically underwent medical and first-aid training, just so he could avoid going to medical himself as much as possible. His medical knowledge and training has happened to pay off lots of times in the field, for himself or for his teammates or squad’s sakes. Despite his aversion, he's not squeamish at all when it comes to mending his own wounds, or others weirdly enough. Even if he's severely injured he refuses to go to medical. Simon used to get really mad at him for this, because of not only his stubbornness, but seemingly his cockiness was what really pissed him off. And they know Johnny’s skills only go so far, and he's immunocomprised and a hemophiliac for crying out loud. Eventually Ghost confronted him about this, and after Soap explained everything it was a lot more understanding and sympathetic. Though it didn’t change the fact that it will borderline harass him if he’s seriously hurt and won’t go help himself, or just straight up force him to go to medical. Johnny always protests but ultimately he gives in, and Simon makes sure to give him emotional support and stay with him when he needs patched up.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, next post will be about my take on Ghost, his mental health, his autism, etc, probably!

[dontbesoweirdkira]

Hey! I've read some of your works and I gotta say I love your writing! I was wondering if you still write for Mafia?? I'd love some headcannons with Vito, Joe, Tommy, Sam and Paulie with a S/O who has ADHD? Or a sort of Hyperactivity? Thank you sm!!

A/N: Aww thank you so much! Of course I don’t minddddd but I don’t have much to write about Joe at the moment.

Warnings: I do not have ADHD so please note that my knowledge comes from the internet. If anything is a bit off, please respectfully let me know and I will have no problem altering something for you. :) I don’t mind writing these things as long as this can be an understanding environment.

Requests: always open

Masterlist

Tommy

He doesn’t really mind it much at all. Tommy puts up with Paulie all day, you’re a piece of cake in comparison.

He’s a more mellow and mature guy, he’s probably not going to be able to keep up with you as much but he loves you.

Tommy is great at redirecting you when you’re struggling to complete tasks or just forgetting about things.

He’d definitely leave behind small notes and reminders of things, and I can see him making time out of his day to check on you.

Actually just in general he’s great at helping you become more organized and productive throughout your day

Please—if you are a risk taker…stop😩 jk jk

But like this man is stressed out when you do dangerous things without any regard for your personal safety

Your excitedness is rather adorable to him, I can only see him becoming a bit frustrated if he is overwhelmed with things in his life. But he’s never viscous and will politely suggest you sit down with him.

Any hyperfixations you may have and want to rave about, go ahead. Actually he will sometimes surprise you with more of that item(s) when he comes home.I Imagine him sitting on the couch with a cigarette, watching you open up the gift from him. He’s so proud

Sometimes feels a bit bad when you’re super bored of everything. He doesn’t always have the energy or knowledge to keep you entertained and engaged.

If he finds you becoming increasingly more anxious or fidgety about things, he will try his best to comfort you.

“Look what I got you on my way home. You said that you love these things, right?”

Sam

AD-who? He doesn’t really understand it but he still loves you.

Doesn’t mind your hyperactiveness *that* much because he’s used to the younger guys on the job…but he has a bit less patience than Tommy.

Definitely a little more blunt when he’s getting a little annoyed with your behaviors but it’s not meant to shame you. It’s just Sam.

*panicks in public because he lost you in the busy city of Chicago*

If you take medication i can imagine him reminding you of it. If you dislike taking meds, he’ll try to make it bearable for you. Crushing up the pills for you and offering you a sweet kiss in exchange for your compliance.

He knows how much it sucks. Sam would gift you a very beautiful pill case so maybe you’ll be a bit more excited about the whole process.

Sam pretends he hates how much you talk about your hyperfixations but then turns around and tells the guys all about it.

Financial impulsiveness doesn’t bother him too much if it’s on some nack that’ll make you happy for a little while. But you should be mindful of making huge purchases and decisions without his guidance

If your AD-HD causes you to struggle with reading comprehension, complex subjects and other things, he’ll never belittle you. He might poke a little bit but ultimately, it’s sweet how vulnerable you are with him and how you go to him with help.

I don’t think he’s the best at handling mood swings or anxiety attacks but he will always offer his presence when available. He’s learned how to better engage in aggressive episodes and to try his best to de-escalate.

He usually will tell you stories about his funny adventures or just simply hold your hand while you’re anxious.

“Don’t worry about it, Doll. You can hold onto me if you need.”

Paulie

Best boi ™️

In all seriousness I think he’s pretty great at handling things with you. He’s not judgmental of your behaviors in the slightest.

He lives to hear all about your interests and rants, it makes him so happy to see you this excited about something. He’s the most engaging with it too.

Even though he’s older, he likes to move around and is very young at heart. So if you struggle with sitting still, it’s okay so does he. Whatever you want to do, he’s down for.

Maybe not the best at handling the more productive things like time management but

Your impulsive behaviors aren’t too bad. it’s okay he makes plenty of these mistakes.. he’ll try his best to fix them with you. If you struggle with speaking over him/cutting him off a lot, he’ll probably let you know and remind you that he likes to finish his thoughts first.

If you have no sense of danger this man is keeping a close eye on you. why are you walking in the middle of the busy street like that and then saying it’s fine because you’ve never been hit before. Please—😭😭SAVE THIS POOR MAN

Depression and mood swings are all too familiar with him. While he completely understands, it does make him sad to hear that his baby is going through the same thing as him. He might worry that it’s because you’re not happy with him, but after explaining he will understand it better.

He’ll try his absolute best to cheer you up! He’s not above making a complete full out of himself to just make you smile.

He hates making you take medication so he’s so lax about it but if he sees a decline in your overall health, he’ll enforce it better.

“I know, it really sucks baby. But you have to take it, it’ll help with things a little bit. I promise you, I’ll make it up to you.”

Vito

You being hyperactive isn’t usually too bad but he might be a peeved at times. He isn’t very energetic despite his young age, he’s a tired guy. So he’s not always able to keep up with you

Vito likes to set aside specific times for your rants/raves. He prefers it if you don’t immediately bombard him with everything as soon as he walks through the door but after dinner he’ll sit down to listen or play with you. On weekends he’ll take scrolls with you or go out to fun places so you can get some of that energy out.

I like to think he carries around little trinkets in his pockets and pulls them out to give you something to fidget with if you’re becoming overwhelmed.

Vito is great at offering you a routine and structure throughout your daily life. One of the perks of being ex-military.

He’s also fairly good at talking you out of impulsive behaviors and dealing with any agitated feelings.

Very stern about you putting yourself in danger and is constantly reminding you to take care of yourself while he’s gone.

He takes care of financial matters and planning for you. He understands that you struggle with these things so he takes the reins.

I headcanon that Vito takes medication for his medical issues caused by his time serving. It’s something very private that he doesn’t discuss with anyone but when he sees you stressed over taking them, he now will take his medication with you. Just to make you feel better and it’s now become an intimate experience.

He also keeps you out of triggering environments and situations, he won’t take you to any events where you’ll have trouble sitting for long periods of time. Vito is never embarrassed by you so don’t worry about that, he just wants to prioritize your needs first. If anyone does say anything disparaging about your behaviors and excessive talking, they’ve made a date with death. He’s very protective over you.

“Don’t ever speak about her like that ever again. She can talk about whatever the hell she wants for however long that she wants. —and if you still got a problem about it, you’ll take it up with me outside.”

[heartbeat-eras]

~Intro Post ~

Hi everyone!

Long time cardiophile in the community but just discovering tumblr for the first time.  Please bear with me while I work this out 😅

About me:

My first memory was me, maybe 3 years old, with my head on my Mums chest asking her what that was. Ever since then it’s always been a thing I’ve been fascinated in. 

My cardio-interest can be many things and have evolved over the years. I have the curiosity about what certain things make it do. How it reacts to exercise or caffeine or nicotine or standing different ways. How holding your breath makes it skip and slow down. I love seeing the reactions to different things. This was the era I started in. 

Then there is the emotional side. The heart can’t lie. If you had a stethoscope on my chest right now, while these words could be trying to portray confidence - you you hear her thrashing in my chest with nervousness / excitement. (Talking about hearts, even anon, gives me anxiety). It’s one of those things that in my real life I would love to be more open about but the level of trust to do that is something that needs to be earned. 

And the dark / …. Adult side… if you asked me years ago I would have said hell no. It depends on the day, month, mood, etc. I’m more open to it these days. Electro, breath play and cpr is what I would lean into, but I’m either in the mood or definitely not. There’s no in between. 

RP / Messages - I’ve never RP before. Maybe I want to try? I’m not sure. I need to be comfortable to talk about hearts so it would have to be a slow intro into it. I also never know how to answer a blind message saying “how’s your heart?”  It kinda feels intrusive and personal so unless it’s a comment about a post PLEASE just start how you would any message to any friend 😊

About my heart

My heart wasn’t all the exciting. Sleeping she gets into the high 40s - low 50’s. Just sitting around working she’s chill around 68. It’s the exercise that gets her. I’ve been a smoker for about 16 years (the last 3 of those vaping instead). When I exercise she shoots up and stays in the 170-188 range on a run. Her recovery is ok considering nic. Slows down initially pretty quickly but says just about 100 for a while. She doesn’t throw many skips and I can induce a couple from a breath hold / push but usually will just beat really slowly after that. 

… well all that was until 6 month ago. Yo girl was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and started on stimulants. Now she feels completely different. I needed to go through the full heart check prior to this, I wanted so bad to see the ECG and see her beating but I was mentally not in a good place and didn’t get to. 

They say that Dexadrine is meant to only increase your resting by 5-7 beats. I would end up sitting at my desk and her beating away happily in the 90s. I haven’t exercised yet but when they wear off at night I can definitely feel her pounding a bit harder and faster than she used to. I’ve now noticed late at night she will occasionally get skippy and throw 5 or 6 beats in a row. But only occasionally and then goes back the normal pounding rhythm. 

Last night I wore my chest strap to bed to see how she was behaving. When she would usually be around 50, last night she didn’t get lower than 65. Today I decided to test her and record her without getting up and taking my meds. A true resting test. She was steady around 68 for 45 mins. Then she increased to about 72 as they kicked in. So maybe they weren’t lying. Maybe just being up is enough to jack her up into the 90s 🤔 she is pounding really forcefully though. I think I’m going to continue monitoring and see if this the norm. 

Anyway, you’ve made it this far you probably deserve some of her sounds. After she didn’t take off into the 90s like I thought she would I decided it was time to have my morning nicotine. This is where the changes took place. A short sound for you to hear hear speeding up. This is before I’ve stood up still. 

What do you hear? How fast is she beating? What do you think she’s feeling? 

Soon I’ll try some exercise and we will see how that goes. 😅

[gayhenrycreel]

amatonormativity can only be defeated if society learns that people can have different needs.

most people need sex. i need sex to stay mentally healthy, but not everyone is the same. i also need gluten, but some people get really sick from it. a lot of people need romantic love for emotional fulfillment, which i will never understand and find very strange, but thats okay, because people are different.

ableism is also tied into this. i need things to be explained very clearly, often multiple times, otherwise i dont understand. sometimes im literally unable to process sound enough to understand what people are saying. most people dont need basic sentences explained multiple times to understand, so i have a need that others dont have.

a lot of amatonormativity is similar to ableism. i theorize this is because society views both lack of attraction and disability as biological inferiorities that need "curing". this is why historical queerphobia is extremely ableist. electro conversion therapy is exactly the same thing one of my dead relatives suffered for being mentally ill (note that this form of... well, torture, literally cooks brain cells, eventually having similar effects as a lobotomy).

intersex people are often forced on hrt that makes them sick, because perisex society believes that "normalcy" is what people need.

ive heard of asexuals being forced on libido meds because asexuality is assumed to be a medical condition.

all of these are forms of conversion therapy (if your country has not banned igm, conversion therapy is still legal, sorry).

again with the inherent ableism, i used to have problems with anxiety induced meltdowns, and my psychiatrist assumed it was because of my already treated adhd. he forced me on ritalin, which i already had a record of it not working for me. my adhd meds that work were taken from me and i had to take whats basically mild meth. for 3 days straight, i had a panic attack. singular. it continued for days without stopping. as soon as this started happening my mum took me off ritaln, against that doctors orders. for a week i had no adhd meds, so i microdosed magic mushrooms and my anxiety (and adhd) caused no problems for that whole week.

all of these are medical assumptions, assumptions that a non existent problem needs curing. my adhd was fine. i was treated with a med that had worked since i was 5.

theres a huge similarity between gay men being forced on testosterone to try to make them more masculine, and me being forced on ritalin to treat a medical issue that didn't exist in an attempt to make me normal. (the problem i had was much more about my autism not being accommodated btw).

queerphobia and ableism have been intertwined since western society came up with eugenics.

i dont need to be fixed, i need to be loved instead of treated like a problem. people always think my autism is "worse" when they abuse me, and its just because i cant mask when im scared. it becomes a cycle of me being abused for not masking, and not masking because im scared. in the same way, things like psychosis are made infinitely worse by psych wards. can you imagine having a delusion that the government is hunting you and then actual cops throw you in a cell and drug you? thats reality for many psychotics! it happened to me, and everytime i became more convinced that i was being tracked.

queerness is treated how disabilities are treated, because to the medical system they are the same: disorders, and disorders are inferior.

in both cases people just need to be cared for. we may be totally different, but we have so many similarities in our experiences.

a society that sees us as the same will treat us the same.

[paracosmicparadox]

So, I'm falling back into the FFXV kick, and I have decided that I disapprove of how little complex character development Square Enix has given the guys?? Like where is the emotional depth beyond surface-level cutscene angst?? So I took matters into my own hands and have compiled a handy little list of headcanons / expanded canons that I think make sense.

Noctis: Has clinical insomnia and frequent lucid dreams (sorta a given, but bear w me bear w me)

Feels the weight of having to take so much on from such a young age much, much more than he lets on

Loves to argue

Would've been happier if he and Luna stayed as childhood best-buds rather than betrothed fiancés (controversial, ik, but it just didn't seem like he cared that much for her romantically to me?? Like he obviously cared about her, but it seemed like a really strong penpal vibe rather than a "We're-gonna-get-married-and-be-the-next-hotshot-couple" vibe. If you disagree, coolio, I'm not gonna debate w you on this one)

Has a natural sadness to his eyes regardless of what he's feeling

Went through an anime phase (possibly still in his anime phase, idk)

Social anxiety for the win

Severe RBF

Prefers tea over coffee (black tea is best---particularly lavender earl grey)

Can play the cello (practicing tho?? Don't know her)

Writes the most beautiful poetry when The Motivation™ strikes him (usually when he's home sick and half-delirious)

Prompto: Has ADHD and clinical anxiety, but is undiagnosed and doesn't take any meds for either of them.

Is legit like SO SMART, but can never focus, so not many people take any notice

Wears contact lenses (he had glasses as a child and I refuse to believe he had some high-tech corrective surgery to eliminate the need for them when lenses are cheaper and less risky)

Doesn't drink caffeine because it makes him jittery

Doesn't drive the Regalia when the guys are around because having other people in the car distracts him from the road. Also he tends to drive like a speed demon, which worries Ignis to no end.

Sunburns insanely easily

Could legit become a hitman if he wanted to with the amount of gun-knowledge he has. It doesn't matter what firearm you put in this boy's hand---pistol, SMG, sniper, rocket launcher, you name it. He can and will hit the target every single time.

Addicted to adrenaline

Pansexual

Has a lot of self-loathing (we see a bit of this in Ep. Prompto) and talks with an online therapist about it via text whenever his lows hit him. He's making great progress in learning how to heal and how to accept himself for who he is beyond the mask he wears for others

Ignis: More than a little bit of a control freak, and works very hard not to be too overbearing or critical about his friends' misgivings

Hypochondriac

Wants to protect everyone all the time and mentally kicks himself when he doesn't get there fast enough

Is SO PROUD of Noctis's journey and felt a stronger hatred towards Ardyn than anyone else in the group for what he forced Noct to go through (he stayed up at night sick to his stomach with hollow rage and baked nonstop to take his mind off of it)

Can verbally obliterate a man, but only rarely chooses to do so bc he's classy like that

After losing his eyes, he notices so much more beauty in the world than he used to (the sound of rain on the Regalia's roof, the specific gait of each of his friends, the smell of salt on the wind in Galdin Quay, the flawless feel of one specific silk tie he has in his repertoire, etc)

His internal compass is never wrong

Regularly takes antacids for his stomach

Has the straightest teeth you've ever seen

Demiromantic

Gladio: Hates being wrong: it's his way or the highway

Actually so much smarter than the musclehead jock front he puts up

A little vain and easily jealous (this man has a Jealous Face like no other)

Thunderstorms are his favorite; his ideal place to be is at a campsite, during a storm, with a well-worn book and a mug of Irish coffee in hand

Would throw himself in front of a bus for any one of his friends

Would beat up kids for the folks he cared about in middle school and spent the time he wasn't training to be a Crownsguard sitting in detention with the most unrepentant, smug, and-I'd-do-it-again look scrawled across his face

Can make a better smoothie than anyone (except maybe Iggy)

Spotify junkie

Had a dinosaur phase as a kid and can still name random facts about them whenever the opportunity presents itself

Avid technology-hater and only has a phone to make calls and join the others in playing King's Knight since they begged him so profoundly (he's sure the thing's going to be his downfall)

Gets most of Prompto's pop culture references

[violet-rose-95]

Anything Helps: Phone Bill, Meds, Bus Pass ($120, at least $50 due Oct 2nd)

I hate that I have to keep doing this. I don't wanna keep doing this. I wanna have my own income.

But I'm gonna be blunt and simple. The job hunt has not been successful. The movie theater turned me down. The two shops across the street turned me down. The grocery store turned me down. I have no income, and not from lack of trying. I have been trying, but no one's hiring. And I still need to pay my $50 phone bill.

But now I have more expenses I need to take care of. I had a meeting with a neuropsychiatrist, and he set me up with two prescriptions, one for ADHD and one for anxiety and depression. They're both about 20 bucks each, one's $21.53 and the other's a flat $20 but I'm almost positive tax will bring that up. I've got a sampler of the ADHD meds and I'm trying that out right now, but they'll only hold my fluoxetine for two weeks.

And on top of that, I'm running REALLY low on funds for my bus pass. I'm usually able to stretch it quite a bit, cuz I've been able to make $30 work for two whole months, but I'm down to my last couple dollars. Each trip is $2 ($1 on the trip there, $1 on the return trip) and I'm down to my last 8 or so dollars.

So, all together, that ends up being about $120: 50 for the phone bill, 30 for the bus pass, 40 and some change for the medication. ...there's also another 10 that I need to keep my email inbox open, but I won't hold out hope for that one.

Anything helps, I hate that I keep doing this...

Crazy to think it's been a year since I started asking for donations to help me get out of this house, and now... now I'm just asking to help pay my bills and I'm nowhere closer to getting out of this hell I'm living in.

[8-rae-rae-8]

no no no you got me thinking about how the boys’ neurodivergence manifests in their regression. take more rambles with dyslexia induced spelling errors <3

for clarities sake (i am right about all of these btw because i have a PhD in itty 141 /hj): ghost is autistic, soap has adhd, and gaz has ocd & autism

👻} ghost is sensory avoidant. any wool textures or just anything Not Perfectly Smooth is a no-go. he loves smoothing his plushie’s fur out to make sure it’s nice and smooth!

a big fan of toys and games where sorting is the goal. those boxes where you have to put the shapes in the right hole, stacking blocks, and simple jigsaw puzzles (when he’s feeling bigger). sometimes price will let him sort the pens and whatnot on his desk while he’s working :)

🧢} routine, routine, routine. he really needs structure—dinner at 5:30, bedtime at 8, etc. or he gets super overwhelmed.

takes meds for his intrusive thoughts & compulsions. unfortunately, tiny kyle has a lot of pill anxiety (“what if i choke on it,” leading to him avoiding it and disrupting his routine + getting upset). price is always there to hold his hand and remind him of all the times he was able to take his medicine and it turned out just fine. if anything happens, price is there to pat his little otter’s back [:

🧼} hyperactive poster-child (same).

growing up, soap had focus issues in school until he started sports and was able to get some of the excess energy out. still, his teachers constantly told him how smart he was, that he just needed to apply himself more.

once in the SAS, his brain going 100 mph is actual helpful. his smartness can actually pay off when he’s constantly thinking on his feet in life or death situations.

when he’s small? there’s no battlefield for that energy to be used in. when johnny is regressed, he is on the MOVE. toys are left out, breakfast isn’t finished, and movies are never finished. some days, it’s the complete opposite—soap just can’t seem to do much of anything at all. the boredom crawls up in his chest and wraps around his throat like barbed wire. he’s stuck on the couch, if he could just get up and do something—

price has learned how to help his little bubble by now. between handheld sensory toys, a routine with warnings for activity transitions, and some wind down time, he helps johnny one step at a time.

-🧪

I love that that's so accurate ?!?!?!

They all make so much sense to me 😭

I love them so much :((

"little bubble" BY THE WAY IS SO CUTE?!!(!&(!&8

[chipmunkweirdo]

After doing a lot of research, I have decided against going on any meds to stop my anxiety.

I’ve also decided not to try ADHD meds either since I have multiple systems in place that already help my ADHD.

The main reason is because creativity is my biggest coping mechanism, and medicines designed to try and “neurotypicalize” the brain sometimes (not true for everyone) have an adverse effect on those who think outside the box.

I know that my inspiration comes from the wild unpredictability of my brain. I know that I can write the way I do because of my deep connection to my emotions. I am not interested in having that ability possibly change just so I can work a dead end job forever. The goal was ALWAYS to still be creative in my free time outside the job. I can’t do that if I’m on something that flattens emotions and makes me tired all the time. Or something that switches my thinking to being rational constantly.

It’s definitely NOT that way for EVERYONE and some people DO need meds to help, but I don’t think I am one of those people. I was on meds as a kid (quite a few before mom and dad finally gave up) that crushed parts of my creativity and I can’t risk losing any more of it to meds that aren’t right for me while trying to find a med that is right for me.

Furthermore, getting a job is a very stressful thing, but once I have a stable job then the anxiety about the unknowns won’t be that bad. I don’t see going on medication long term to ease a short term problem as what I’m looking for.

However. I am open to trying some kind of sleep aid that I only take on nights when my brain won’t turn off and allow me to sleep. Something that I don’t have to take every day. I firmly believe that getting enough sleep will help my stress levels and mood enough that I can handle whatever is thrown at me.

Because I cannot risk losing my main coping mechanism just because it “distracts” me. If anything, I feel LESS distracted when it comes to doing mundane tasks while also thinking about AATC nonstop in my head. It is NOT the obstacle my job coach thought it was.

I’m going to continue finding ways to relieve my anxiety outside of medication as well and building more systems to help me manage the onslaught of random thoughts and worries.

I hope this works.

[oliversrarebooks]

Hey I’ve been following for a while and really enjoy your writing 💖 and if you don’t mind talking about it, I’ve been wondering about your process a bit, as in how often do you write and how much do you tend to get done?

I ask partially because I’ve been considering starting a writing blog of my own but problem is I’m really slow as a writer 😅 like it can take me a day to do half a page and I can’t shake the habit of rereading and editing as I go. You post pretty regularly so you seem to have a good technique going, and I think you’ve said something about having adhd in the past??? I have it too so if Im remembering correctly then you probably understand how productivity can be a struggle. I guess I’m hoping to pick up some wisdom from someone in a similar boat

Anyways, sorry for rambling, keep up the good work and hope you’re having a good day ☺️

Getting faster at writing is just a skill you can develop over time, I think, and even then, some people will be faster than others and that's okay! Instead of worrying about doing half a page in a day, you could try writing 100 words a day for a while, for instance. Writing a smaller amount more frequently will eventually get drafts done.

I've been writing for a while and I tend to be reasonably fast, but a lot of that is practice and planning. I'm often writing from a loose outline of how the scene will go, and for my bigger projects, I have a big picture outline with notes, too. Writing for me is fastest when I treat coming up with the ideas, scene progression, dialogue etc. as a different activity, especially because the "thinking" parts can be done while doing chores or commuting etc. I do Nano each year and there's no way I could ever finish it if I weren't writing from outlines.

I try to write each day and aim for 400-500 words a session, but I often do have to skip days for various life reasons.

I'm only recently diagnosed with ADHD so I don't have any great productivity tips! The entire reason I ended up getting diagnosed was because my productivity was driven almost entirely by anxiety and the stress was literally killing me. I'm trying to get into a healthier mindset now, especially now that I have appropriate meds.

One of my big ADHD-related problems was being unable to ever feel accomplished -- even big accomplishments always feel more like "welp that's one tiny thing done but I still have a mountain to go". That's one of the mindsets I need to shed and remind myself that writing something like Bookseller in my spare time is a pretty good accomplishment!

I feel like maybe I see some of that in your ask, where you're being hard on yourself for writing a half a page. Even if it took you a while -- maybe especially if it took you a while -- that's still something you get to be proud of. No one else is going to tell the story you have in your head in the way you would tell it, after all.

[actuallyadhd]

The reason I realised I might have adhd was my brother, he's so clearly autistic so I did research to make sure.

When I brought it up with my mother she told me to not tell him.

I finally got my diagnosis after 3 years of trying to get it, of going deeper and deeper into it.

Idk, I never hated it? I never hated my adhd. Back in 2020 I was a more active person? In terms of doing the things I liked and doing art.

Now I'm slow, tired, fatigued.

And that happened after I took meds. Apparently ritalin prozac and anxiety meds aren't supposed to be taken together, Idk what my therapist was thinking.

She told me to get anxiety meds for my stimming, cause I stim cause I'm nervous. But I KNOW that I don't. I stim when I'm excited, or when I can't focus.

When I'm anxious, when I'm angry I go stiff a a rock, I get focused sharp, because I have to be, it's a defense mechanism.

I don't hate adhd I don't hate meds inheritly either. But I hate how my meds made me a zombie, that I was forced to go on them so I could achieve this academic goal.

Maybe if I lived in a place with better mental healthcare I wouldn't be dealing with the effects of bad medication and my worsening depression.

I'm slightly better now, but my executive function got fucked. I can't just, do the things I like anymore. I feel less feelings than I did before.

I don't hate myself I just, I guess I'm in a hurry to heal from everything when I'm still living with the people that abused and continue to abuse me emotionally.

Specially my abelist mother who keeps saying adhd and autism aren't a disability, and they're just a quirk like her being left handed.

My dad has finally came to the realisation that he probably has adhd like me.

I'm a uni student now and living in a dorm away from my family has helped me regain that control I had and live a healthier life. But I'm back now over the summer and I can feel myself going back to my old ways the more I stay at my family home.

Idk,

Is this cptsd? Idk what it is.

Is it bad to say I love my adhd? Usually at least. When there's no one breathing down my neck not letting me do my own thing, when I don't get pulled into random places and have a choice to stay. And say no.

I guess things will get worse before they get better....

Sent August 18, 2024

There's definitely a lot to unpack here. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I will do my best to offer suggestions and reassurance, as always.

It makes sense that your brother is autistic and you have ADHD; both are highly heritable, and seem to be related in some way. So it also makes sense that your dad has now realized he probably has ADHD!

I have a feeling this is going to be long, so have a cut.

Stimming & Anxiety

Neurotypical people think that the only reason for fidgeting is anxiety.

It's not.

As a general rule, it's either expressive (as when we're happy or excited or upset) or regulating (as when we need to focus or feel overwhelmed).

And if stimming or fidgeting isn't disruptive or hurting anyone (including yourself), it definitely doesn't need to be medicated. WTAF.

Medication Issues

Medication can be tricky. The wrong meds can cause more problems than they solve. Even the right med at the wrong dose can be a problem!

Examples from my own life:

Starting dose of Concerta didn't do much, next dose up gave me a week-long anxiety attack.

Starting dose of Welbutrin made me feel like I was About to Die for a week.

Dexedrine initially made me NOT HUNGRY for three weeks. I lost 10 lbs.

Strattera made me depressed and adversely affected my typing (been accurately touch typing since I was 11, suddenly was making really weird typos).

Good dose of sertraline (Zoloft) helped my anxiety and depression but caused me to start skin picking in earnest; next dose up had me closing in on serotonin syndrome.

Adderall worked well (until it didn't) but also made me feel ill after I ate yogurt.

It sounds like you would need to try other meds or other doses, preferably one at a time(!), to find what works best for you overall.

Executive Function & Depression

It sounds like your depression is your biggest problem right now. Depression can worsen executive functioning, so that makes sense.

It's probably a good idea to talk to your prescribing doctor about your medication regime. Ask what your options are and if you can please work on getting off the antidepressant so you can try something else.

Alongside this, you may well be dealing with ADHD burnout, which I am only just coming out of myself. It's a struggle, to be sure!

My best advice for that is to be gentle with yourself. Don't expect yourself to Do All the Things; instead, keep a master list of things that need to get done and choose three of them to focus on each day (your Goals) and three fun ones to try to get to each day (your gravy).

It's okay if sometimes one of your Goals is to get dressed.

Parent Stuff

It sounds like your mom is trying to make you feel better or maybe herself(?). If that's how she needs to think of this all, let her. What matters is that she understands when you're struggling and is willing to support you. If not, you might like to refer her to this Russell Barkley video.

It's great that your dad has realized he has ADHD, though! Even if he doesn't bother to pursue a formal diagnosis, just knowing that can help a lot since if he's having issues he knows where to find suggestions that are more likely to actually work (because stuff that works for neurotypical people almost never works for ADHDers, while stuff that works for us also works for NT's).

Family Systems Theory says that how we behave around our family members is directed by how our family works as a system. There are also smaller systems within the whole that affect how individuals relate to each other. This is why we tend to fall back into childhood patterns when we're around our family of origin. Those patterns are ingrained through years of conditioning.

CPTSD?

While I don't think Gabor Maté is right about trauma and ADHD, I do think that it's pretty common for ADHDers to have childhood trauma. We spend years getting in trouble for stuff we couldn't control and being held to a standard we simply can't reach due to our ADHD, and that affects our self-esteem and is (to my mind) a big reason why so many of us have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which is that huge emotional reaction we can have to criticism (real or perceived).

I have found a lot of reassurance and helpful information about CPTSD through watching videos from the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She reads letters from people and helps them with their problems, and she explains the problems faced by people who have CPTSD and offers ways to deal with them.

Loving ADHD

I don't think it's bad to love your ADHD. I do think it's a little weird, because most of us hate it a lot of the time, but I definitely see positives in my own life and view it as a neutral (if annoying) part of who I am.

I actually think it's great that you do love it, because it's going to be part of your life forever. Making sure you have systems in place to deal with the stuff that's challenging is going to be really important moving forward, but that's part of what this Tumblr is for.

Overall, I think you are probably doing better than you think you are, and once your meds get sorted you'll be in a much better space in general.

Followers, do you have anything to add, or any corrections to something I've said?

-J

[midwinterwings]

Happy deitykin euphoria moments :D this is the first time I feel comfortable in my body holy crap. Here's some nerding and yay maybe this blog will be positive instead of having repeated mental breakdowns...yay

*deep breath*

I have COOL WINGS now! (Bodily) I still love them, I hope they stay. My wings are more conceptual as they shift, theyre kind of like shadows, because they more represent flying/realm crossing than my 'true form''s wings. So they kind of flicker like shadows but they are sort of corporeal in that I can feel them somewhat. Nontheless, I love feeling them and stretching them so they fill up my entire room. It feels great. I can even sort of control them now, for example stretching them, or flapping them, whereas before I couldn't really control them. Although now I feel weird lying on my back because owchie even though my wings are made of shadows I can't really banish them at will. It's more of a spiritual ouch than a physical ouch but still, it feels so weird.

2. My talons also moved to the physical realm too and it feels great! They took root where my hands would have been. Theyre sharp.

3. I can finally read mythology without having a breakdown! Yay...my sense of identity is extremely strong these days. I do have self doubt at times but it dosent consume me and cause a meltdown cuz yea reading the myths would trigger me bad as the self doubt spiral would start.

4. I moved most of me into the physical realm and stretched myself out to fill the body with me so now it's mine. And I feel great. I'm able to fly and vibe as myself even in the physical realm (no not in a physical manner obviously, its sorta like.-)

Imagine the body is an empty rubber toy. I have brought me out of just incorporeal realm and 'base realm' and stretched me out from the inside and filling the rubber toy so bodily I'm most of what im like in base realm - not in a literal way but I'm able to express me completely in some aspects with the limited material I have to work with, something I never thought I'd be able to do. Admittedly I piggybacked on my raven form which is already firmly in the body, my deity form (which is another expression of my raven form) isnt quite done figuring out where everything goes but it's got a good template. Holy shit you have no idea how many years it took to learn how to exist and feel normal.

5. I figured out who I am which is...*flops on ground* I've gotten beaten up so many damn times it was fucking hard, because we kept finding more and more Stuff to unravel like plurality and all the while existence is painful...and jarring, as it is, while the body's 'family and friends' think its the anxiety and adhd that are the reason they had no idea we'd been trying to learn how to make us gain a physical form in different realms lol and learn how to 'shut off' or dull other ones because HEY its HARD to live in so many ok?? Meds helped. Now I can only feel 3, 4 max. Could probably feel more if I wanted but...no thanks. I just wanna exist here man I have better senses and there's good food like pizza and stuff even if I can't fly ok.

The relief and being able to just..exist..without encountering pitfall after jarring pitfall is Hecking rad. I need to rest. At the same time I'm so excited and relieved, it's the first time I feel real, present in this realm, whereas before it was like staring at the physical realm through a pane of thick half opaque glass, unable to interact, to just watch.

But interact I shall, and interact I will. *puffs out chest and flies into a window*

[critter-genfic-events]

This week, we have ten fics featuring neurodivergent takes on our favorite characters! Autism, PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, depression and more - ten great explorations of Exandrians having to deal with the same issues a lot of us have under the cut.

If You're Happy and You Know It by pinkevilbob (1075, General) Warnings: None Pairings: Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast

Caleb feels ashamed when stimming. Jester doesn’t think he should hide his happiness.

Reccer says: I love how Jester’s happy hops!

Say a Name, Any Name (My Name) by QuillAndInkWrites (881, General) Warnings: None Pairings: Jester Lavorre & Marion Lavorre | Ruby of the Sea, Fjord & Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett

Jester chooses a new name. And then another. And then another, until she finds one that fits

Reccer says: I liked it

whispers work differently now by Anonymous (5426, General) Warnings: Sensory overload, autistic meltdowns Pairings: Essek & Jester, Essek & Caduceus, Essek & The Mighty Nein

Essek and Jester are both autistic, but they have opposite sensory needs. When she invites him to a crowded festival, he gets very overwhelmed, but the Nein take care of him.

Reccer says: The descriptions of Essek's meltdown make me feel a little tense, but it's very well written. I also like that it's sympathetic to both Essek and Jester; even though their needs conflict, they still care about each other, and it ends on a hopeful note for the future.

all the stars would shine a bloody red by InTheMidnightHour (1013, Mature) Warnings: Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use Pairings: None

Caduceus endures the turn of the seasons alone and what comes with that.

Reccer says: An absolutely visceral look of Caduceus's descent into choosing the lilies and the bottom of a pond just to overcome his loneliness.

stare into the sun and see everything i've done by wtgw (3234, Teen) Warnings: None Pairings: Caleb Widogast & Percival de Rolo

Two neurodivergent men with angst and guilt issues walk onto a balcony. (Or Percy helps Caleb cope with a panic attack.)

Reccer says: This is one of my favorite fics ever. The way Percy handles Caleb's anxiety is absolutely IC without feeling preachy or condescending to the point where it makes me feel better. Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed I think of this fic. It's just that soothing.

in the morning i'll be rising, i'll be waking with the sun by ghostsquidswrites (4156, Mature) Warnings: None Pairings: Eadwulf Grieve & Yasha, Astrid Beck/Eadwulf Grieve

Eadwulf and Yasha run together, and talk it out

Reccer says: This is an amazing pairing given the insight and weight they deserve, as well as being so lovely and atmospheric.

I'm the Cleric by devil_seabird_king (ShaaKi) (2100, General) Warnings: None Pairings: Fresh Cut Grass & Milo Krook, Caduceus Clay & Essek Thelyss, Percival "Percy" Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III & Pike Trickfoot, Deanna Leimert & Prism Grimpoppy, Jester Lavorre & Marius LePaul

What if Exandrian meds were derived from arcane magic and stopped working during the solstice?

Reccer says: This is a great exploration of a throwaway line, some of my favorite types of fic!

Aeorian Dreamer by Lizable (2490, Teen) Warnings: None Pairings: Fresh Cut Grass & Ashton Greymoore

What FCG's life was like before Aeor, and what might have caused them to forget

Reccer says: It's a very interesting take on what they might have been like in Aeor - including therapy!

Fools Crushin' by Ms_Fahrenheit (1013, General) Warnings: None Pairings: Essek & Verin

Teenage Essek and preteen Verin tease each other about crushes. (Also see the first part of this series)

Reccer says: Arospec/acespec mood. Cute sibling vibes.

secrets with no one to tell by memorysdaughter (3138, Teen) Warnings: None Pairings: None

Vax thinks about how all of Vox Machina's members are different. Except, according to Vex, him

Reccer says: It's a nice, sweet exploration of how all of the characters of Vox Machina could be neurodivergent

If you liked this rec list, follow along for more! We'll be posting a new list with a new theme each Monday. Want to make your own recs? Check out the rules, and then use the form to submit!

Next week, it's all angst. Have some good whumptober recs? People being sad? Now's the time to rec! After that, we're following it with a week dedicated to Percy, who is famously not angsty at all.

[cordycepsfem]

I feel like I need to just speak into the void all of the things I've been thinking about regarding my relationship. It's come to a head over the last couple of days and I have no idea if it's related to my birthday (typically a rough time for me) or if it's really truly a thing.

I would appreciate advice, if this sounds like something you have experience with... but also I think I just need to write things down somewhere.

So here's the deal.

I am mid-thirties. For the entirety of my adult life, barring one year in college, I have lived alone. I'm very comfortable alone. I'm very comfortable doing things alone, like traveling, attending cons, going to concerts, etc. I value my independence very highly.

Until I met my girlfriend I had always thought I would live alone and be alone, romantically/partner-wise. I want to adopt a child in the future, but I had never considered having a partner. This is for a number of reasons and is a much longer story that isn't really relevant here. Just suffice to say that I had planned on living my life alone and wasn't upset about that.

I'm also very selective about when, where, and how I want to be touched. I had a really low touch tolerance when I met my girlfriend - in the beginning we would shake hands at the end of dates. Then we graduated to hand-holding, or just linking pinky fingers. Things have expanded from there, but I feel like I still have a very clear touch threshold that I meet regularly when I'm absolutely done.

My girlfriend and I clicked almost immediately. On our first date I was telling her things I don't usually tell people - it was like we'd known each other for years. On one of our early dates we sat in the car for six hours afterwards just talking. I work second shift sometimes and she'd drive up to see me afterwards and we'd just stay up together, talking and having quiet time and just getting to know each other.

As time has gone on obviously our relationship has progressed. I've stayed the night at her place, we've traveled together and stayed in hotels, and she's spent the night with me. We take day trips, we go out with friends, we stay in, we do all kinds of things.

My girlfriend has ADHD and some depression/anxiety, and was pretty upfront about it. In the other direction, I am a severe introvert on the autism spectrum with a handful of other mental health issues, which I was also upfront about. I think it is affecting our relationship now to the point where I just don't know what to feel anymore, though, and it might be the reason we stop being a couple.

I don't know if all of these things coming up is because I'm starting to think about the future, and what we might eventually end up doing. If so, this would be a classic case of me panicking first, because I have two more years towards my degree where I will continue to have the job I have and continue to live in the same place.

But here are some things.

I have repeatedly asked her not to touch my neck/hair while I am driving. I'm not crazy about being touched while driving at all, but I am absolutely against being touched on my neck/hair. She has repeatedly done so, pretty much every time we drive together, despite me reminding her.

I had to stop going to her apartment because she wasn't cleaning it and I had an allergic reaction to her dog, which most likely would not have happened had the apartment been clean. I had to set some guidelines about when it would be safe for me to return, and I didn't go over there for a couple of months.

She is very touchy, and likes to be touched. This is okay for me, but I eventually hit my threshold. She's asked me to tell her when I've hit it, but despite doing that, there are times when my body language also says "I'm done" and she continues to ignore it.

When she takes her meds she has good portions of the day and that is when she is receptive, and pays attention to our conversations, and just a wonderful lovely person. The meds only last for part of the day, though, and when they're done working, she gets very chatty, which causes me to almost shut down, because it's not a conversation, she just wants to talk. This has ruined at least one nice outing for us.

She has - we both have - issues with executive functioning and getting tasks done. However, I do not sleep in my clothes and I will never wear dirty clothes to work. I have never given my medication accidentally to anyone else, including a dog. I'm using new therapy techniques to help me keep on track with things like showering, teeth-brushing, doing laundry, and other important self-care tasks. I have alarms set for things, I will rearrange items in my house to help me remember them, I write notes to myself all day to remember things. When she talks about it, it's always "It's never going to get better" and not a "I want to work on it" thing.

She talks about a lot of her ADHD, and a lot of her life, that way and it makes me wonder if I really want to get into a long-term relationship with someone who I will constantly have to remind of my boundaries, and who I will be responsible for prodding into showers and clothing changes and reminding to not talk loudly in stores ("Wow, that's expensive!!" etc.)... because she doesn't see those things as fixable. She's talked about wanting to get a different job since I met her, but has done very little to change things and just continues to talk about how bad this job is... despite getting called out at work for shit-talking it.

(I know we all have our own issues, but to get my job now I applied for 80+ jobs back in 2019 and 2020. Between 2014 and 2019 I applied for roughly 400 jobs to get me out of my situation. I know it is hard. I know it sucks and is like a second job. It takes a lot of effort. But it can be done. And I want to support her in that however I can... but I can't do it for her.)

We went on a short trip over the weekend to see an artist who is very important to me, who I love seeing in concert. We stayed one night in a nice hotel and had a good time. While all of it was technically successful, something about it was very "vibes off" and I'm still feeling it today. It almost feels like the concert was ruined, but I can't explain why, because everything about it was absolutely fine.

I don't know how to express all of these things to her because when we talked tonight it reminded me of how much I like her. She makes me laugh, and has a gentle and kind heart. I like doing things with her, and our inside jokes... I just get to a point where we've spent too much time together, and I can't tell if I don't want to be in a relationship or I need a break or we literally just spent too much time together recently and it'll pass in a couple of days.

It was hard to not be able to tell her what I'm thinking about, but I don't want to get into things unless I'm really able to understand what I want going forward. I know that I also have a lot of issues and I don't know if I'm going to be able to overcome them to be a good partner in the future... if I'm finding that maintaining my comfort and peace is more valuable to me than trying to find solutions.

Anyway, this is where I am now, and it's now early birthday morning. If you got to the end of the ramble, thank you.