#so that would be 30 weeks in total
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guess who's getting to write his british literature midterm on why mary wollstonecraft's "a vindication of the rights of women" should be on the syllabus???
#its almost a completely opinion based essay and i understand that we only have 15 weeks to do ALL OF BRITISH LITERATURE#but like lemme gush about mary wollstonecraft#we don't even have her daughter (mary wollstonecraft shelley) on our syllabus#the class used to be two with one being anglo-saxon to the 1500s and the second half being the 1500s to present#so that would be 30 weeks in total#but now its one class in 15 weeks and oh boy we have to go fast#- r
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prime directive 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
#IM QUEUING THE OTHER PAGES AS WE SPEAK#they are already made i swear i swear#it's only 9 pages total so it'll be drip fed to u over the next few weeks#also forgive the star trek title i thought it would be cute hehe#this has been in progress since like ..... idk whenever heynhay showed me their upcoming masterpiece#my art#prime directive#klance#vld#NEXT ONE COMES ON SUNDAY!! same time 9:30 pst#love u all hope u like
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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🙏🏻
#UPDATE: my family found it!! I am going to sit and thank God for a while bc I’ve just spent the past 30 min trying not to panic while#searching through absolutely everything I own#having to face up to the possibility of missing it really did a number on me. I just keep saying Thank You over and over now. wow#would appreciate prayer#can’t find my passport and am (hoping to) travel internationally with my family in less than 2 weeks#it’s totally possible that it’s at home and they’ll find it#but I’m kind of freaking out#the trip has been a dream of mine for so so long
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Casually flirting with the idea of fucking around and getting a master's degree. The time will pass anyway, right?
#lynx thinks#oh nooooooooooooooooo#nooooo i can feel the urge to be crazy and act on my hubris#ive just been talking to the grad students in the theater program and theyre taking like 9 credits a semester#and its all stuff that seems interesting or fun or at the very least useful unlike my undergrad degree#and im like... i can already sew as well as if not better than these grad students. i can for sure draw better for any designs i come up w#heck i can draw better than the current head costume designer faculty member for the university#so the little overcommitting gremlin in my brain is like ''yoi could totally do it. do it.''#and the other part of me is like ''im already so tired just from working again after needing to recover from burnout. how would i even?#so I'm sitting here Thinking about it...#a masters degree in theater might be better for finding work at a pre-existing institution than just a bachelors in art#and it might be better than a masters in art too#I'd have to stop taking commissions completely probably if i did it for the sake if time#but if i somehow got an assistantship position? then maybe?? i could do it?#oooooooh i hrm so hard y'all#its only been a week since moving and ao much is still in boxes. im only working part time but I'm tired now so much#idk if its just because my stamina levels have atrophied or what but im so. tired. these days#and by these days i mean in the last week.#maybe a week isn't long enough of a sample to work from.#im hoping my energy levels will even out a bit but with the time zone change and the fact that I'm almost 30 I'm not sure if it will?#so thats worrying#i actually kind of see why people seem to drink coffee every day now#I've definitely been eating a lot more normally since i started. both in timing and quantity#i still have projects of my own to work on i cant afford to be so eepy orz
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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#diini rambles#fell asleep at 10:30ish woke up around 3:30#this always happens#anyways how I exist#I never ate so I guess I will now be eating leftover pizza at 4:30 in the morning l#this is totally healthy#I was supposed to do some reading but that didn’t happen I guess#I wonder if my parents will randomly appear#wouldn’t be all that surprising#but also it would be surprising#also I finished two books this week!#looking for Alaska and an audio version of the Hungar Games#Libby my beloved!#there’s a wait for catching fit tho so let’s see if I have the motivation to listen to that book in a few weeks#god I love catching fire#it might be my favorite book of the series tbh#also been listening to scaled and icy by tøp lately#it’s a bop#mulberry street is my favorite for sure
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There's silverfish in this apartment so the only chance for my body to get some rest would be collapsing from exhaustion otherwise i will not sleep for a While
#how long does it take to get rid of them?#ages probably#and i have only one room (+ a tiny bathroom) so i cannot avoid them#they're in my bedroom therefore the bed isn't safe#god i hate it here#i had them in my first apartment too for a short time and i hoped to never experience this again#well#also the guy living here before me apparently has never cleaned the shower or the toilet in his lifetime#the shower is filthy and I've been cleaning it for 3 hours in total already#I'll have to scrub it everyday in order to get a chance to get rid of these years of dirt and limescale#(like scrub it for 30 minutes using cleaning supplies and all. not just clean it after showering like usually#which would have prevented this from happening in the first place if that guy had done this even just once a week)#also cannot fathom how my landlord accepted this bathroom to be left like this#there was literally still toilet paper in the toilet and there is dirt so bad i haven't gotten rid of it after scrubbing for hours#but yeah#the insects are the worst#i mean in korea i had actual bugs but there weren't as many and i think they couldn't climb the walls so i felt less#disgusted by my bed and everything i touch#(there was one in my bag and in the kitchen sink and in my blanket once and#I'm not exactly scared by them but actually disgusted#i guess this is what some people mean when they say they aren't scared of spiders but don't like them anyway#it's just gross and i don't want to see them)#and i will tell my landlord about it and ask if he can at least fix the bathroom silicom so maybe some of their hiding spots are gone#I'm just very tired of everything rn lol#still not using that extra time i have during the night to work for university so that's great#not getting anywhere#void screams
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kind of fucked up that i have a Busy Day At Work tomorrow & i won’t have any way to Deal With That
#feel free to ignore#new student orientation day one!!#we’re hosting a reception#i would like to Not Go#but i’m the set up & clean up crew#so set up starts at 3:30 and it ends at 5#when i then have to immediately do Therapy#the walk my ass home#yeah#this week is going to suck So Much#i predict at least one headache a day#2-3 crying sessions#and at least 8-10 collective hours of mild dissociation#already feel So Out Of It today#like today was good!!#but i don’t feel like i was totally Here for it
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#i've been in a manic state for over a month#haven't slept in my own bed for 30 days#was barely eating/sleeping the first half and now i'm eating/sleeping too much#i was even off twitter for two weeks which is so hilariously unlike me#said i was taking a gif hiatus because my brain was so unhealthy#then turned around and started making/posting MASS amounts of gifsets (published and drafted) for very little payoff#like. More often than i usually do to the point where i feel like it's overwhelming or annoying or looks desperate but hey maybe i am#for the serotonin#except nobody reblogs shit which. Well you know how that goes#it is what it is but it's also making me feel so so so low#but i can't stop either because it's the only thing keeping my brain off of everything#i also recorded that voiceover video of my gif process but i don't think i'm gonna post it because i hate my voice and my overall Being rn#and publishing something like that would be inviting literally anyone to have a negative thought or opinion of my voice or my personality#which is a big No Thank You atm#even tho i have nice followers i also have total dickwads waiting to jump me lately for the stupidest shit lol#so the timing is just bad bc everything else is bad my mental health is bad my self esteem is bad#my gifs and the engagement on them is pretty bad without me reblogging them 50 times myself but we ball#it's all just!!!! it all feels Bad i just want to feel sane lol
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Thought I’d get out for the night, so I’ve been sitting in this gaming lounge for the last hour and it’s… meh. Ordered an overpriced milkshake, just kind of hanging out. Honestly, I’d rather play games by myself at home than deal with whatever’s going on here. Well… it was worth a shot 😒
#haha this sucks#it’s hot and boring and I’m annoyed#only came bc my therapist has been bugging me to get out and try to be social#but… like… I’m a hater. I’m about to hate on some people… even if I wanted to be social there’s no one here I would ever talk to#the dudes that hang out at places like this are not the kind of people I make small talk with#tbf talking to dudes irl is majorly unappealing to me#what do we talk about? their favorite marvel character? guns? vin diesel? I dunno. I’m lost.#also ordered a milkshake that took them 30 minutes to make which I mean I’m amenable I’m cool and relaxed#but it’s literally just me getting anything to eat or drink back here the whole time so I dunno 🤷🏻♂️#dropped my brother off here so he could play in a Smash Bros tournament so it’s not a total waste#god I’m whiny#I need to just leave#I’m sure I could have had a better time but tbh I’m tired and already had a negative outlook on this before even showing up#video game lounge sounds cool but it’s like $10 an hour#and I dunno I have no desire to spend cash to play some new game I’m unfamiliar with in public or whatever#now if it was an arcade I would be so psyched. but no it’s like rent an Xbox for an hour kind of deal#just gonna go home get fucked up and play fallout and I’ll be so fucking content l#writing all this down so I can remember what to whine about in therapy next week#ok yeah this was doomed to not be my style. that’s fair. maybe look for a D&D group in the area or something instead#okay lemme stop complaining and just leave#I love you. I’m bored. and I’m dying. and I’m bored.#goodbye forever#text
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in other news i get two weeks of summer break!!! :D i thought my summer classes were going to just lead me straight into school again but i do actually get some breathing room before it all starts up once more :D
#can't WAIT to be back in french class i'm gonna have so much fun#and like! ten thousand english classes!!!! everybody say yayyyyyy!!!!#gonna see what i'm taking rn actually. chronicle it#taking literary theory + criticism ; us literature 1 ; folklore and mythology ; sacred texts ; nd emerging lit in global context#on the waitlist for the emerging lit one. but i am first on the waitlist so. it's practically my class already#absolutely no doubt that someone will drop if i'm not just allowed to crash#even if i don't get it it's no big deal though honestly! it would be my only tuesday/thursday class so i wouldn't have to be on campus...#spending five days a week on campus is pretty silly. i got through it last semester but it'd be nice not to have that#nd i'm at 18 units with that class so if i don't take it i'll be back down to 15 which is totally reasonable#bracken's favorite hobby is actually being completely insane with his school + work schedule#18 units and i'm still like 'yeah i wanna work 20 hours though'#you have clinical issues. shut up.#anyway hopefully i'll be able to work 20 hours a week on top of this sdkfjghdsf#if monica gives me morning shifts! i can do that easy peasy (afternoon shifts are 5 hours instead of 3 and a half now. kiss kiss)#so two + a half afternoon shifts a week and a couple morning shifts... we're so set#'bracken when will you have time to do homework' that's a problem for me to solve by just not having free time <3#one of my classes is asynchronous so. ha. haha. i'm sure i'll have appropriate amounts of time to do work.#mondays + wednesdays i have class straight from 1:30 to 7 but it's FINE! it's FINE!#i'm sure i will be very reasonable about it#i got through my three hour 5-8 film lecture last semester. so i can do anything#would i prefer morning classes? oh absolutely. but having the morning for homework will still be good for me#so excited to be back in school i love school so much#( <— has been in school this whole time w/ summer classes )#OH MY GOD I WAS GONNA SAY THOUGH. I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED TO TAKE FOLKLORE AND MYTHOLOGY#anyway#valentine notes
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Ppl really start acting entitled as shit once they make an offer to buy the house you live in
#there’s this woman who’s made an offer to buy the house which includes the apt I’m renting for one more week#and first of all. she’s really been pushing it with giving notice when she wants to look around#law says 24h but I’ve been pretty lenient with that throughout this whole process#as long as I find out the night before it’s fine#but the last time she came (Monday) she gave 90 minutes notice???????#asked at 3 to come at 4:30. bitch excuse me??????#and then the house inspection was gonna be Wednesday morning but got cancelled#but then Wednesday evening they tell me it’s Thursday morning and I’m like what??????#prepping for a house inspection is a TOTALLY different beast than prepping for a showing bc I need to be out with my dog for a good 4h#AND THEN. yesterday morning I look out my window and there’s a guy????? walking around on my porch?????#my porch is around the back of the house and on the second story so it’s not easily accessible#when I go out to be hey man can I help you????? he says oh [buyer] is down in the yard. oh okay he’s a roof inspector. fine. whatever#notice would still be nice????#and then the final straw was THIS MORNING#I was woken up at 8:30am ON A SATURDAY by people banging around on my porch#the porch is on the other side of my bedroom wall.#like. come the fuck on are you serious??????
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woke up at 5 with a jolt of dread about work how's everyone else doing
#i'm supposed to only work 5 hours today. or 20 hours total this week.#but i was asked to come in earlier than noon (which would have been 5 hrs noon to close) so i Suspect. i will be working longer#and i feel BAD because some of my coworkers have been doing overtime but#like they could have avoided that. they could be leaving on time without anyone faulting them for it.#so i'm mad that i'm going to feel guilty trying to leave at like 2:30
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anyway is there anyone who follows me who's done student teaching in the past few years? i'm worried about going that long without an income even w/ savings lol
#i'm privileged because i inherited in an old car from my grandparents#and i'm also very frugal and i've worked a lot so i have a little bit saved up#i've always played this game of how much i can throw at disgusting private loans while having a bit of an emergency fund like#if i total my car i'd be fucked. i worry any major dent would total it because it's a 2002#love the car but there's stressors#like ideally if i could just allocate $1k for student teaching until i get my first paycheck in semester if i get a teaching gig#most ppl i know who graduated have#but $1k seems very stressful unless i can get like a $30 babysitting gig once a week to tide me over (free groceries ty parents woohoo)#that'd be mostly money i can throw at loans#but there's the praxis exams#also i have barely any information about that because our last professor didn't explain those in elementary music!!#we had a retired elementary school teacher as our prof for one year#i need to email our new elementary music prof because yeah im scared dude#idk how much to even budget mentally for those. i don't even know when they'd even be. like is that something my host teacher would go over#god#i need to ask a rlly nice dude in my major who's student teaching next semester too#but i feel so bad lol
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as you can tell by the lack of sillyposts i am currently normal and well. no need to clap, thank you thank you.
#/gen#i think idk#i dont have school this week =w=bb#and new job is actually suprisingly making me soo chill waugh.#i did have some trouble yesterday but that is bc html sucks and i dont wanna.#yayy thank the lord im free tomorrow....#for some reason i also decided that because there is no school its fine to work more.#im doing like 30 hours this week which. erm.#yaknow.#idk.#new job is very chill actually genuinely like 30 minutes on my phone on a bench yesterday. not on break just actual.#waughhh its exactly as i expected from a cinema!! there were like 12 people total it was awesomeeeee#yayy =w=bbb#sillyposting#anyway im iike. actually doing school work AND im drawing AND im doing my jobss its pretty swagger if i do say so.#ohohhhh look at me gooo#actually who would guess that school is likely the biggest factor in stress-no-goods??? (<- everyone.)#=w=bbb#cant wait to get home tho my knees hurtt#nauwrr lets hope friday goes well i kinda dont wanna say goodbye to old job but i have too......#im already scheduled on 26 december bc we celebrate 2nd christmas and its bussyyy#oh well =w=bb#waugh.#many thoughts... yesyes
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