#so scared but i am trying my best
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the dreaded phone call
#whatever he tells me on this will affect the next entire year of my life. wish me luck#so scared but i am trying my best
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ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.
when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!
that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.
but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!
joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.
and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.
tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.
#aromantic#aro positivity#aspec#aroace#aro#aromantic joy#arospec#when i saw its important to 'love' yourself - pls understand i am in no way trying to exclude loveless aros from this#that was just the easiest way to express what i meant! when i say 'love' i mean positivity/respect/happiness. etc. i just used that word bc#it works for ME which is why i said it. but feel free to replace it with whatever works for you! <2#also sorry if not everything im saying makes total sense i tried my best#this is something ive been thinking about for a while and have been struggling to articulate#i maybe should have read some theory for this abt community building but im too tired + overwhelmed w school reading right now so sorry.#if anyone has additions on that front though please do add them#also ngl im kinda scared to post this. i hope i explained what i mean well enough. like i get wanting to vent and express self hate BUT.#there is nuance to this and it is not unilaterally healthy i think. also i dont see any other online community fostering the normalisation#of selfhate the way the aspec one does! which makes me feel weird abt it especially.#anyway. this is basically my personal philosophy towards aromanticism#mossy posts#⚙️
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feelin kinda sad so eating an obscene amount of pasta
#YukiPri rambles#it's nothing serious#just have had a stream of unfortunate disappointments#nothing major and each time i'm like well ok that could have been worse and i'm glad it wasn't#but the cumulative result is just me kinda feeling droopy inside despite trying to continue lookin chipper outside#'wilted' i think is best descriptor for me rn#trying to tell myself that retail therapy isn't the answer here#In case folks are curious#the disappointments are:#1) dad was in a car accident and no one was hurt but gave me a huge scare#2) was given a day off at work in exchange for working a weekend and was looking forward to both#but they asked me last minute nevermind come in instead and i had to cancel all the plans i'd made and couldn't reschedule#3) movie i wanted to see on said day off is no longer playing in local theaters so it's either convince mum to drive an hour or give up#4) had an afternoon tea planned with mum and her friends and was looking forward to it for a month and only eating out this month#had reservations and outfit picked out and everything#but then a few days before landlord scheduled repairs for that day and wouldn't listen when we said we had plans#so i stayed home so mum could go and i'm glad she could go but sad#5) went to work this morning and there'd been a flood in the office from a customer leaving the bathroom sink running#and the torrent of water came down on my desk specifically ruining all of my books/personal stuff#i got reimbursed but it's just really sad bc some of those things were free/gifts that i can't get back and i hate throwing out books#especially ones i never got to read but they were completely drenched through and unsalvageable...#6) had an outing planned this weekend i was really looking forward to but we probably can't go bc weather is bad#i think there were a few others but that's most of the big ones#i am wilted and just want to curl up and not move
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Him being cunty, him slaying, him mothering blah blah blah you get the point.
#fight club#fight club 1999#tyler durden#artists on tumblr#digital art#illustration#martyryo followers wake up to a new artstyle every week or so#this brush saved me so hard#I'm abandoning the tiresome rendering to grayscale#I am high on life I feel like taking a sip of water and contemplate the shadowy mountains in the night#doodle kinda#didn't think much in making this cause if I try to make it look good it doesn't make it out of the first three lines on canvas#first time drawing feet I feel scared#also itbyiu didn't get it I'm a tyler big pants thruter I'll always put him in oversize pants#really like it it's so refreshing#I actually see some soul in it#thank you color burn you're my best friend#martyryo#gn 😴
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nina salazar-roberts is such a beautiful case study in comphet and I genuinely think her arc deserves so more appreciation
#female main character who does NOT end up with a guy?? whose arc is about defining her worth around her relationships with men and realizing#she is so much more as a person outside of that#who loves and adores her friends and values every one of her friendships with them with the care and intensity of a romantic relationship??#whose self worth isnt tied to being The Best because she just wants to express herself for HER and make art with her friends#because she loves them and sees the beauty in making something with the people you love even if she isnt the star#and finds the balance between caring about her relationships and having an identity outside of them#of course the fandom hates her. yall can't stand any female character who has a personality outside of her love interest#people who call her bland or selfish or whatever annoy me so much. she's a TEENAGE GIRL figuring out who she wants to be jfc#and is just trying her best and cares so fucking much about the people around her#i love her so much and am so glad she exists as a main character#hsmtmts#nini salazar roberts#olivia rodrigo#also i think liv embodies so much of her in her music#all american bitch. scared of my guitar. enough for you#she's just such a relatable depiction of the messy teenage girl experience
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"Ah... That's seriously my bad, sorry. I mean, you did say you wanted to have some people to talk to so...?"
[[ // @your-friend-silver asked this, but Flutters lost the original link/question so hopefully this is ok! ]]
#non canon#interaction#pokepasta#pixel blue#pokemon creepypasta#ask pixel blue#ookido shigeru#pokemon#ask blog#asks#pixel blue 2016#pokemon creepypastas#yfs#your friend silver#int thread#am trying my best to keep up wirh the filtering so i apologize if irs on and off#i already love Elias so this was a treat hehe!!#sorry if pixel is really avoidant#i swear he will opem up hes just scared
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so no one was going to tell me if i got literally one episode further tenax drops that he’s the one who saved scorpus from his mom’s pimp AND that he’s intimately familiar with scorpus’ dick when he was younger. guys. guys.
#thinking about an INSANE divorce fic. as a follow-up to the 30k canon-compliant backstory i have not written#(really it could be an au of that because like. am i sentimental and would i want them to get emotionally divorced NO but i will get into#the variants of this later i have to tell you about them ACTUALLY divorced first before i get into the hot divorcee energy of it all)#where they fucked around when they were younger and then broke up because. yeah tenax can dream but scorpus needs certainty he is what he#is he wants attention and dignity and when blue offers for him he goes and we don’t need to know what the massive fight was but we DO need#to know that they stopped fucking and maybe they stopped talking too but now they’re Colleagues. putting the ‘because i can’ moment#into a WHOLE different light bc it’s very much a ‘you no longer have a say in who I get to fuck because it’s not YOU. because we’re not’#and thus we get an exes-to-lovers arc I still know you the best and yes I SEE the scorpus xenon andria potential & once again I am saying:#put that in a box we can’t talk about that right now I see it but that’s not what we’re here for. anyway I was TRYING to say the ‘I know u#best of anyone’ of it all and if you think I have stopped thinking about tenax goading scorpus & talking about his dick for a single second#I have not. I REALLY have not because that is top tier blatant manipulation to be like ohhhh poor baby you’re so old and rotting I can just#get a new chariot driver I don’t even really want you anyway 😇 and scorpus KNOWS It’s bait however. he’s gotta get his attention back.#anyway they are ugly divorced and it’s very slow burn but I know exactly how you taste & what buttons to press & how to grip your shoulders#in an argument until they fuck nasty on all of their riches or however this thing ends. not well for anyone but I WILL be getting them back#together. the other fun little big divorced energy thoughts i had were very much ‘divorced and arguing but it’s foreplay to threaten to#leave each other’ so they can have hot aggressive mean sex because they get off on arguing with each other. everybody in the stables starts#to see them arguing about chariot design & the brothers are scared they’re gonna kill each other & then suddenly scorpus is tongue-fucking#Tenax’s throat with a fist still in his hair and tenax has a hand pinning him back against the post by the throat and that’s all they see#before everybody clears the FUCK out. this is a regular occurrence at all times in all arguments it’s so fun I love the dynamic#OHHHH AND IT’S AN OUTSIDER POV FIC i said the brothers really i meant elia but also now that i say that. could be a fun five + 1 of#everyone watching them threaten to kill each other and then y’know. la petit mort. ALSO i know i see the calla/tenax too we can’t talk abt#that put it in the box with the chariot drivers we can have one (1) thing at a time. the calla note is because i want a calla pov of them#where she’s just like ‘freaks. right in front of my salad?’ and does not give a fuck at all. top tier. anyway. andria/elia/calla/domitian#(Domitian seeing them petition him would be so fun because he wants to puppet master everything he’d want to know SO BAD.) the 5th one idk#because I don’t have any idea about the third brother yet but maybe Tenax catching scorpus in a brothel again? and the +1 is their POV ofc.#(anyway for myself: the vibes i want here are geno/anna cat and mouse follow/unfollow divorce and win her back rumors)#scorpus/tenax#those about to die#scorpus#tenax
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in the backs of my eyes, light does not reach. black and white, monochrome stars, inky null and blinding full. others dream, and my thoughtlessness seeks. though i cannot see, and though i cannot breathe in every moment my eyes breach free- i dream. not for grandeur, not for fillment, i dream of nothing but hope. for days where i could, for the days i would dream. sitting in the back seat. squalid radio turned to rage. looking at her shoulder’s locks, dreaming of the cage. taken to my first bar, shown my first rave not forgotten, not forsaken, the only love i will take to my grave. cigarettes and mud, alleys and grunge all i wanted was saving. gone so far, seeded so deep, until it whittled into camaraderie. when the shows over, she’d take me home and leave me in her bed. that night i would be cherished, and that morning we'd be fed. i see their faces in my dreams, as every possibility, every tangle, every thread, every filament held together. like a bastion of memory, creating false to fill the empty. to grant hope to a greyscale null. * * starlight ash, the null of the void, the hopes of a begotten child. is there anything to hear, when the screams are of fear, or choking of brittle and tears? his hopes were so mild, his rage was unbridled, how could she be any different? feel her eyes shiver, feel her soul take, feel the ties of the poverished ingrate. your help cannot find it, your thoughts cannot find it, your hands cannot feel it, your heart cannot take it, your legs cannot shake it and your teeth cannot break it. in every part of you is her no matter how hard you fight it has been the end of her not of her blight. only of her light.
#im so tired. i want anyone to talk to or be with. ever. i miss being alive. i miss dreaming. i miss hoping. i miss having things to hope for#it doesnt have to be too late. so i try. but it always ends up feeling like it is. im so alone. so scared. i just need a way in. to life.#a way into a group. something other than this isolating pain.#this is the best way i could describe my feelings. esp since begging for attention doesnt work. but it isnt enough. i have so many dreams.#so many hopes i am forgetting every second. please. god i wish i could be normal and not have to beg or bare myself fully like this.#i honestly wish i could be more private but i need to beg. and idk how else to. im so desperate for any interaction god fuck i hate it here
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im different i would've befriended those plague rats in pathologic i would've given them cheese and crackers
#I say on the Internet after freaking out and abandoning my room when I spotted one (1) fly on the wall#It was a very big fly tbf#that was 3 days ago#I have been trying to kill it for 3 days#I think it knows I'm scared of it#which is a little humiliating when I try to swat it and it just buzzes at me and I scramble backwards like a coward#So I tricked it trojan horse style because I a human (apex predator atm) was bested by a fly#I made a trap with a source of light and managed to imprison it in a box#now i wait for it to starve to death because I am too scared to touch the box#ew ew rw gross bug ew ew ew#♧other#pathologic#sometimes I still hear it buzzing in that box and defying death#It knows I'm talking about it and it is angry
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Sometimes I feel like I don't care what other people think and other times. Sigh
#here's the thing#i love my mom but alas! we don't have the same taste in everything#and i've accepted that! i just watch the stuff she wouldn't like on my own!#except. now i don't know how to tell what she would like that i find fun#and i just assume she wouldn't like anything i like#and just. ugh#i both want to introduce her to the stuff i love#and am scared that she'll hate it so i shouldn't even try#but i think she might like it! but what if she DOESN'T ya know?#then i'll just be devastated forever and ever#not really but i feel bad about wasting her time and/or boring her#and it's just FRUSTRATING#cause my mom is honestly one of my best friends#and i love sharing my favorite things with my favorite people#but for some reason i'm very scared she will not share my love for this stuff#(not much in specific btw. just stuff in general)#it's weird because i don't get that sad when my friends don't share the same love for stuff as i do#(a little sad but it's not the end of the world)#but i do not enjoy introducing my mom to stuff and having her not like it#OH maybe it's recommending something to someone and that person watches it on their own#versus watching something with someone side by side and having to suffer through their reactions or non reactions#it's just something i gotta get over#but it's HARD
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having such an absolute shit time which is horrible because I had put so much effort into making this week bareable only to be fuckin stranded in the worst place I could be rn because my health was so bad I couldn't leave i feel so fucking bad and helpless and fated to having to suffer over and over and over
#was supposed to stop here to just grab one thing I needed!!! but have been so ill (chronic health bs) that I haven't been able to leave#for two days now and it is ruining me right now im like. in a really fucking bad place in every way jesus christ#stuck w someone who abused me for 20 years (not my ex lol she was shitty af but not abusive)#and shocker he is still gross and doesn't take no for an answer to anything and keeps touching me & not leaving me alone & I couldn't leave#I wouldn't wish this on anybody it absolutely breaks you to be stuck like this because your body doesn't work. I should have gone to the ER#So scared my health is getting worse in really dangerous ways. Could have died the other morning#like what the fuck!! what am I supposed to do I have been trying my best my whole life and it still amounts to being homeless and so sick#and so powerless to change either of those#all I want is a warm safe place to call home. It feels like I can never have that without a knife at my back#delete later#woof woof#vent
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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Shoutout to my roommate B for being So Chill about needing to pick me up from class yesterday bc I was too dissociated to drive. Thank u, B, you’re a real one.
#blue chatter#legit I could have just been trapped in that building for hours unable to get home#I was so scared and didn’t trust myself to walk home bc I get lost v easily even when I’m not dissociating#I’m so glad I thought to text Arrow and B and that Arrow. translated what I was trying to say to B.#and that B’s response was ‘cool where are you. do you need me to get you.’#I was also freaking out about my backpack being gone and B was like ‘you left it at home dw’ instead of asking me why I asked abt it#just. I am so lucky. to have friends and roommates who handled this so well.#also shoutout to my ASL teacher and her TA. they tried their best to help me but I was too far gone to understand Anything.#my teacher is Deaf so mouth talking was Not An Option and I couldn’t understand her even though I *knew* I knew those signs#it just didn’t click at all. and the harder I tried the more I felt myself slipping away again. bc I kept getting overwhelmed.#anyway that all happened yesterday#and now I get to go to two academic meetings about my capstone and grad school and just act like everything’s normal#Blegh.
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ive been struggling to eat since ive gotten to france its making everything way harder than it has to be bc on top of being so so so scared i am also always either hungry or nauseous. why cant i be normal
#i was like this when i started sixth form and i couldnt eat a full meal for around two months it was so awful and im scared its going to be#like that again. idk im trying my best to eat but if it carries on for that long i dont think i can stay here i'll have to go home#i am literally not mentally stable enough to move abroad by myself i should have gotten help as soon as i started university -_-
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if i wasnt for my mutuals i think all of my events would have flopped
#auburn's rambles <3#gahhh its so dumb but like#events are my way of trying to connect w the twst fandom#and i have been so desperate for any sense of community here lately#i feel like im just screaming into the void#and i dont know why it feels like nobody new bothers talking to me anymore#i think its because people are scared of me but i wish they werent#ive tried my best to seem approachable and i tell people over and over that they can talk to me#but nobody does#ever since 1.8k really#its just been my mutuals talking to me and nobody else#and i love my mutuals but i want to have what i had when i first got here#i dont know if this is a twst Fandom problem or if its just me but#its like theres nobody here anymore and its not the same#im so tired of people being intimidated by me#im literally just like you i am just like ALL of you#its exhausting honestly.
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