#so never apologize for giving me nothing
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spiraling
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jjk art#megumi fushiguro#fushiguro megumi#gojo satoru#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#the minute i realized how tg coded the composition n colours were i decided to turn it up to 11#i was racking my brain trying 2 figure out how to get the layered tissue paper look tht i talked abt ishida's cover art having#cycled through all my usual layer modes n nothing ws Quite right#until wouldnt u know it . divide n subtract!!!!! i NEVER use divide or subtract bc theyre impossible#but fr this??? its like they were made for it oh my god#it makes the greys look translucent n all my textures pop in a way that makes them appear splotchy n Bruised#which ws the whole point thts the Look god i am so PLEASED#when the layer modes tht notoriously get No love finally find their niche <33 peace and love <333#filing this away fr later i am going 2 have a lot of fun with this new information i think#im very happy w how the colours look n i dont think anything else wld have kept the right Mood#but i am always so >:/ when i have to use a palette tht forces me into giving megumi blue eyes#had to set aside th green eyed megu agenda fr the Aesthetic unfortunately#anyway i knew from the minute i saw it that i wanted to do smth involving the opening panel of 268#bc that panel is S tier#i figured tht if nothing came 2 me i wld just redraw it as-is bc it's alr so good but as i ws sketching i was like#u know what u havent done in a while? art tht looks like u r going Insane#art tht makes ur family ask whether everything is ok#so i once again tucked megumi's knees up 2 his chest and apologized insincerely to him fr making the third megumi angst piece in a row#:)
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the POTENTIAL this duo had
platonic or not, they would have loved each other
#eachtime I rewatch The lego movie 2 I get reminded of how easily the movie just got over Rex's death and it fills me with so much anguish#like what do you mean#one of the most important character dies and you give Emmet and Lucy a second to ponder before they move on like nothing happened#yeah lets just ignore how Emmet would be mentally impacted by the sheer sight of it and the knowledge that Rex tried to manipulate him#Rex was selfish but that man was stranded for five years left to fend for himself#nothing but a broken man was left of him when he was forced to accept his friends would never come rescue him#and that hurts even more when you realize HE risked his life to save his friends just to be forced to watch them party while he suffered#AND then Emmet gets rescued by his friends like Rex hoped it would happen for him Aahagagshdh THE PAIN IT BRINGS ME GOD#if Rex didn't fear the chance that he would die if Emmet didn't turn out like him the ending would have played out a lot different#Rex apologizer here I will hear your complaints of my view but you cant convince me Rex isnt just a broken man that got blinded my anger#I could write an essay about this movie#minifigs need a person in order to keep them 'alive' - if we are talking in lego logic#now imagine Rex being kept alive by hope only for it to slowly get replaced by anger and betrayal when hope died out#Why use the notes app when you can ramble in the tags#Ey if you made this far you earned yourself a medal#rex dangervest#emmet brickowski#rex x emmet#rexmet#remmet#remmex#vestcest#the lego movie 2#the lego movie#fanart
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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madness – batman: haunted knight
#debating which way i want to go with my tags#do i make a joke or do i have a ransom moment that makes my mutuals mildly concern#hes still a dilf because the D still stands for dad. not always a good dad but a dad never the less.#ill still suck his dick silly style but im not happy about it.#(went joke moment to give my mutuals a break and also because#he does apologize and admit hes wrong & fixes it after she literally gets kidnapped and held hostage by mad hatter after sneaking out tho#so it makes up for it but also.... ooh boy.)#c: batman: haunted knight | madness#jim gordan#barbara gordon#ask to tag#i guess ? its nothing violent or anything but it is a family argument and i know how those sensitivities can be.#no judgement ever if u need it or smthn else tagged or suggest one; i promise. dm me or send on anon and ill do it :)#id in alt btw :)
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You know, that would be ANGSTY COMICAL if we mixed that in the aftermath of the reveal of who is the real creator, since it could be taken as the creator REPLACING characters who hurt them.
-🥘Stew
that was the intent!
i think diluc would have it easiest. red is from a hateful part of his past, and he knows that he’s grown beyond that stage. if it weren’t for red’s temperament, he’d want to try and connect, if only to gain his trust. it still hurts, knowing that even after all this time he still failed to be what you needed, but it burns him the least.
fischl would be worse. night is everything she tried so badly to be, down to her own oz. to make it worse, night couldn’t care less about fischl, ignoring her monologues about who’s the real princess. the only one she needs the approval of is you, and she’d gotten that the second she was first summoned. she does fischl the mercy of letting her keep her name, but even that is mostly at your discretion. ‘fischl,’ ‘night,’ whatever. she just needs to protect you where amy failed.
and kaeya… my poor beloved. if night is what fischl wanted to be, shade is what kaeya has to be. night is a persona that fischl copied, shade is the very mask kaeya had put on for all his life. he’d entirely remade himself, down to the name he used and the way he treated his fellow knights, and it still wasn’t enough. all of his effort was poured into making himself something that could be accepted, that could be good enough. he’d thought he’d done a good job when he was first marked as a vessel, but now in the hunt it’s clear that his palatability only ran skin deep. shade is what you need, shade is what you want, and he’s genuine about it. shade’s entire life is yours, and he was rewarded for that devotion with your affection, earning a place at your side. and kaeya had devoted himself to the hunt instead, was so blinded by his own desires that he’d ignored the resistance of his vision. diluc may hate his past and fischl may hate night, but kaeya can only really hate himself.
#m1d : [chats]#m1d : [secrets]#stew🥘 anon#the shining nikki saga#the dark side of dawn#sailwind shadow#hello. i need a moment to be emotional about venti really quick sorry#hey siri put on my yearning playlist#fucking. destroyed. on the floor reminiscing about something that never happened.#me when i’m the victim of an idea of my own making#me when i’m the cause and the cure. me when ventis stuck in a problem that isn’t there. obliterated.#no words for this feeling rn. venti i’d like to formally apologize for the shit i’m about to put you through#‘it’s just a video game’ well your honor. it’s giving me shrimp emotions. so jot that down.#to clarify this is about nothing canon and nothing irl i’m just on the painful end of my own ideas#the author that writes the words and the reader that’s bound by them you know.#don’t worry if all goes well you’ll be inflicted with my pain too. provided i can pull it off.#pull it off as in convey it right not pull off the weight of it. i should shut up now.
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oh! oh </3 oh!! okay!
#he KNEW that apologizing in the nest was futile but when he thought riko was back he STILL APOLOGIZED#HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHO WAS TOUCHING HIM BUT HE WAS ALREADY APOLOGIZING#his genuine confusion makes me SO SAD#he’s been through so much but he's still like. so...innocent#his “normal” is so fucked up. he can’t even fathom how wrong the things that happened to him were#he knows firsthand that apologizing does nothing to break his fall and he's like... “is this a trick?”#like “what do you mean you’re not going to beat the shit out of me after i accidentally hit laila in a triggered state?”#“what do you mean there are ways to solve problems without violence?”#and him saying “i can't promise it won’t happen again” (lashing out when triggered)#as in: when it happens again i am expecting to be punished#as in: i will apologize if that's what you want. if that means you won't hit me. if it pleases you.#as in: but when it happens again-do what you must. i will deserve it.#he’s been hurt so often so badly that protecting himself is second nature#he has never been around safe people#his first instinct is fight or flight#his body is protecting him before his brain can catch up#and he obviously does not want to hurt them#but its so fucking HEARTBREAKING because he KNOWS he won't be able to control it when fight or flight kicks in#and if they are going to be around him it is inevitable he will resort to violence. it is all he knows.#but he still cares enough to prepare them for that reality#like. “i can't promise i won't hurt you again” and “i don't mean to” and “punish me as you see fit”#he's giving them permission to HURT HIM for protecting himself#tsc spoilers#tsc#the sunshine court#all for the game#aftg#jean moreau#the foxhole court#tfc
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Ultimately, I think one of the worst things Hopes does wrt its writing of Claude is take out all of the complexities and contradictions that had made him so interesting to begin with.
OG Claude lies and manipulates people and closes himself off while still searching for the truth and wanting people to come together and be open with each other, because of how his traumas meld together with his dreams. He says that he'll do whatever it takes to get what he wants and shows off opportunistic tendencies and then buckles at the first sight of innocents getting hurt, because no matter how much he wants what he wants he still prioritizes the lives of the people around him over anything else. He knows of people's capacity to hurt others for petty or illogical reasons - was raised with that knowledge beating its existence into him - and yet still dreams of a world where people of different lands and cultures can still be friends, because that is how tightly he holds onto his dreams. He's a kind person with the capacity for being a dick, and his contradictions add on so much to his character; they in large part are his character.
Hopes Claude? He lies and manipulates people and closes himself off... and that's it. He says he'll do whatever it takes to get what he wants... and he does. He knows of people's capacity to hurt others for petty or illogical reasons... and has no real dreams of stopping it (or dreams of anything in the future really, by his own admission) and he indulges in that very behavior himself, seemingly without any awareness. He is untrustworthy, and manipulative, and opportunist... and that's it. What you see is what you get. And if this were a character unto themselves, if we're kind and we ignore all of the other issues with Hopes!Claude's writing, that would be a fun enough villain to follow around.
But it's not; this is supposed to be Claude. This is a character who has so much of his foundations be built on the idea that what he presents on the surface isn't all that he seems. That he's more than a character who is just "tee hee I'm only pretending to be nice but I'm actually eeeeevil evil evil evil evil evil evil," but someone who both uses kindness as a means to an end and embodies it genuinely. Warm yet calculated, a good man with real flaws - THAT is who Claude is. Hopes Claude is who Claude is if you strip him of any complexity - He Is Only Pretending To Be Good, But Actually He Is Bad.
He's just... easier to swallow, in a sense. Claude is a good person who is willing and able to do bad things, but only up to a very specific, very clear point, all for a good dream he's held onto for years and plans extensively to make a reality in the future; Clyde is a shit person who's willing to do everything short of bombing specifically whatever land he himself is ruling, all for what essentially amounts to no concrete purpose. There's no need to think about Clyde as hard, since he just does what he does because he's doing it and that's enough.
It's why I'm glad I am Dev-Approved to just fuckin' ignore Hopes entirely as a horrific fever dream, because Hopes does not understand what made Claude so lovable at all
#clyde discourse#like alongside ALL of the other issues with Hopes' treatment of Claude this one is just. a huge one for me lol#Underutilized as Claude was in 3H he was still SO interesting to think about! What he showed off was SO refreshing!#because he took the I am Not Who I Seem Tee Hee trope and turned it on its head#his strict moral boundaries and sincerity in his love for his pipe dream contrasted so well with his underhandedness and genuine flaws#he's manipulative! he can be opportunistic! he's secretive and yet he noses around other people's business!#he has qualities that are VERY flawed!#but he never goes too far; he never intentionally puts people in danger; he apologizes and tries to make up for his missteps#ultimately his pros outweigh his cons and he comes out a complex character#MEANWHILE#fuckin' CLAUTHEW over here#he makes so many people MISERABLE with his actions in the war and does not give a shit#he kills or otherwise threatens to kill anyone who gets in the way of him grabbing more power - even innocent people#he just closes his eyes and ears to ANY information given to him that contradicts his viewpoints#and slurps up any that validates his confirmation bias no matter HOW untrustworhy the source is#he is NOTHING. He's interesting in the same way getting hit in the face with a cinderblock sounds fun; IT ISN'T#just wanted to rant a bit about it lol
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What accessories do Mace and Suzy prefer?
You know, I've never really figured they'd be FANS of certain accessories. But if they had to pick one over anything else, Suzy is always gonna go with a long scarf. She'd say you could never beat a good, well made, fluffy scarf.
As for Mace, I don't think HE cares about accessories at all too much. He'll put on what he ends up finding a kinship with, whatever it is that he comes across.
He's just like that, I'd say.
#OH YEAH BEFORE I FORGET I SHOULD ADD THAT I REMEMBER YOU ASKED ABOUT THEIR ABILITIES A WHILE BACK TOO#BUT I NEVER ANSWERED IT AND I'M SO SO SORRY ABOUT THAT#Since the games give you pretty much all their main abilities I'd just say they have them all as well including the hidden ones#By the way I apologize as well that I haven't been posting about them at all for a while now!#I haven't been thinking about them much or drawing them either but I'm trying to get back into the groove of it#I just gotta remember that I can do whatever and that's better than doing nothing at all#So HOPEFULLY I'll keep it in mind and you'll see more from me soon.#I hope you look forward to it! :D#pokémon#pmd#pokémon mystery dungeon#skitty#riolu#mace the riolu#suzy the skitty
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Mfw I get sick once for the first time in seven years and it ruins my mental health for potentially three months straight ahahah
#rae rants#bro i forgor 💀 i forgor that i live with people who will go 'so is your tantrum over' any time you try to apologize and open up#i for fucking gottttttt#im doing bad! im doing bad! wah!!!#... the thing i have to apologize for is saying 'Im waiting for my antidepressant to kick in. im doing bad can you give me a minute?' like!#fuck man. im so bad im fuckin venting online. no reblog control lol.#i should get 'never kill yourself' tattooed on my inner calf. ya know for when my head is in my hands? yeah.#... for reference. my dog was sick for two weeks. then i got the flu from my mom. which made me miss xmas. then my other dog got sick.#then i got... nothing for xmas when we did celebrate. for the fourth year straight. then that sick old dog died.#and then klover brought in a dead baby magpie which she intended to eat. oh and before all this klover started finding and breaking glass#shit in her teeth. last night and today are the first day ive actually allowed myself to cry. i immediately got in trouble for being moody.#Oh! and i haven't been on antidepressants for two and a half months. so. yeah.#im handling it. i think i might spend today outside even tho its so cold. i dont wanna be in here rn.#it's too cold and im still not healthy enuff to go for a walk tho. :( im still coughing and spitting up phlegm.
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🦋
#i still havent been able to get the pic of my entire family celebrating the holidays together out of my head.#my parents ruined every christmas they could. every holiday. every birthday. everything. there could be nothing special#w/o my dad calling my mother a fat pig or my mom interrupting his dinner prayer to call him a lying hypocrite.#w/o police getting involved&having to explain why my dad had my mom in a headlock or my mom had punched him in the face.#we could have nothing bc their need for misery outweighed their desire to give their children any fucking joy#every fucking time.#but i have to sit here&wonder if im in the wrong bc im being gaslit into missing a family+memories we all know damn well#never fucking happened. i blacked out half my fucking childhood&still know thats true.#i have to wonder if maybe-- just maybe-- they would actually apologize for everything they did if i ever called or wrote.#if maybe they would welcome me back w/o expecting an apology From Me.#but then i remember how the first thing my mother said when getting in touch w me after two years was how disappointed she was in me#for not thinking to tell anyone in the family that i was homeless. how selfish i was for it.#how she only contacted me after getting my email address-- the same one ive had since high school-- from family#bc shed been crying to our entire extended family about how worried she was about me so they managed to find my gofundme#¬ a single person in my family donated to it-- but they all had a lot to say about it. didnt they.#&somehow i know that theres nothing for me w any of them. nothing at all but more disappointment.#&photos of all of them smiling that i have to remind myself are definitely not real.#bc how many of those exact photos had i been in? no matter what the answer is i dont remember a single one being real.
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im never going to get quality healthcare am i
#im just going to keep decaying and get shucked around from specialist to specialist#and they all do the same fucking thing. next to nothing.#they blame it on my anxiety or my weight#they dont give me the time of fucking day. ive had appointments that didnt even last THREE MINTUES#they'll run a test or two and very rarely do a procedure#and when that yields jack shit they dump me saying there's nothing they can do#and they apologize and say they're so sorry and they wish they could do more#I DONT WANT YOUR APOLOGIES I WANT YOU TO FUCKING TREAT ME INSTEAD OF HALF ASSING THIS SHIT#YOU WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL FOR HOW LONG?? YOU CANT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO DO? BUT IM THE BAD GUY FOR PLAYING DR GOOGLE?#i've SPENT HOURS TRYING TO FIGUREOUT WHATS WRONG WITH ME#YOU HAVENT EVEN SPENT ONE#FUCK YOU holy SHIT#youre just going to leave me to suffer and die. cant wait to live a totally unfulfilling life. never get the chance to live.#i know the life i want and i cant fucking have it. it's nigh impossible#i just want to be happy. but how can i be happy when almost no one takes care of me#julian rants#vent
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#fucking swear i hate my dad so much#I'll never forgive him for how he was when i was a child#and right when i was starting to see him as a decent dude#he goes and acts like a child#youre 54 years old and raising your voice at me when i did nothing wrong#his stupid ass was the one who cut the pvc pipe and he thinks me telling him how to properly fix it is me criticizing him#and i told him you want me to criticize you ? fine. why were you cutting below the water lines to the washer?#theres clearly an opening showing the pvc pipe and you were the one who cut there still knowing it was there so why did you do it ?#you want me to criticize ill fucking criticize#all he has to say while screaming at me like im the one who created the problem saying shut the fuck up an go to sleep i dont want you here#he gives a stupid bullshit fix for it talking about using glue 😮💨 like dude you need pvc primer and glue to seal it correctly not fucking#elmers glue and tape wtf i was giving him an actual real option to fix it and he cusses me out like im the one who cut the damn pipe#i tried writing in my journal but my hand keeps cramping up#i cant stand how much of a child he is#he has no emotional control he takes his anger out of my mom and i and i fucking hate having to be the one to back away and apologize#when its his fucking issue not mine he was the one raising his voice when all i did was give him sound advice to fixing the broken pvc pipe#and i get cussed at and screamed at being told im criticizing when all i did was offer a solution to his own fucking problem he made worse#on his own accord and now hes breaking shit and kicking doors and slamming them all the while cussing over something#that can be fixed its cool to be like fucking shit i fucked up and get that energy out but to fucking throw a temper tantrum and break stuff#is fucking ridiculous it fucking takes me back to my childhood and how fucking horrible he was to my sister and i..#we walked on eggshells around him cause any little thing would make him erupt into anger and physical bouts...#lord forbid he has to do something around the house and he breaks something he will cuss and scream at us for no reason like we did it#but im in the one who has to apologize thats fucking bullshit#i really want to kill myself rn im so over the edge rn i just keep thinking of my mom and why i cant kill myself yet#not until she passes away i cant kill myself..#i long for the day i die im so tired of living here
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I wish GI wasn't trying to push people (kinda specifically longer players) away from the game, like damn. I really hope new players are watching closely and not just deciding "there are haters" or "complainers." Some of the things, like the age old where's the end-of-game road map, have been actual game needs that haven't been addressed for years. Game needs, guys. Idk, if you still call some people haters/complainers, then I'm probably gonna call you a bootlicker lol
#also three pulls for three debate clubs is actually insulting and no. we were not happy about it last year either#i hope the CN community causes such a ruckus that they fix the artifact loadout bullshit#GI actually needs to apologize and ive said some wild things elsewhere like they need to give a free 5* character but honestly i just want#to see that theyre are listening to the fucking players. we fund their game and/or promote it with playing and community on platforms#they wouldnt have BILLIONS of money without the pkayers and they are not doing QoL things or fixing busted characters or the artifact#loadout that is going to be more trouble than useful. end of game information. lost weapons to timed events - im lucky i have cinnabar#spindle in case i get Albedo but i dont have that Festering sword or Jade Cutter? and both are apparently great for Furina and im pissed#that they just wont be available ever again. they heed to put them in the shop like they do the skins and im so serious about that#theres so much more#it just makes me sad bc i do really like genshin but im probably gonna move on after this all blows up or when nothing happens at all#genshin impact#my posts#oh right my frustration is with the community on the mihoyo app bc even just saying you think this is a good thing will bring in the REAL#bootlickers telling you youre ungrateful for three debate clubs lmao. i have never called it copium before but i think that if youre calling#players ungrateful for being mad that GI's appreciation for a year of playing and/or spending money is worth three 3*weapons then youre a#boooootlicker with a sad fucking addiction. seriously cope harder bro lol#i really just want them to fix the artifact loadout that shit is buuullshit. and of course i want Aloy’s constellations. they should have#been there September 2021 ffs. and i like Dehya. i like playing her too. im not meta enough to notice things i guess but hyv should have#listened to players about her.#this shouldnt be a staff of homa moment guys. that bullshit actually made change happen for the better like why are you mad at the demand#QoL things???? why are you just ok with no actual patches patching anything???#ok i gotta be done. the tags are the actual post damn lol
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do you want me to fucking go off on you? do you truly fucking want that mother?
#“oh you and your sister never listen to me and blah blah blah” we fucking do (or at the very least i do)#“you guys never help out” does me doing the litter and taking out the trash and on occasion hand washing the dishes mean#fucking nothing to you? does me sweeping the floor every once in a while because you chose to keep us in an area that is ALL SAND/DIRT ROAD#for whatever stupid ass reason also meaningless? does me doing my damn best to help out mean fucking nothing?#do you want me to kill my self. do you want to lose your eldest child to something YOU could have fucking prevented all because you can’t#stop being a bitch to him all the time? do you really fucking want that mom? because at this rate i am once again on the road to fucking#attempting it. i’m so god damn sick of how you treat me. the only time i can do anything i want is at night. i stay up super late playing#games with my friends because its the only time in the day when you aren’t bitching and whining for me to do something you don’t want to do#for the past several days i’ve been up until five in the damn morning just to do something that makes me happy.#you misgender me. you deadname me. you refuse to accept any aspect of my identity. you don’t treat me like a god damn person.#i have so many different ways i can consider attempting if i truly wanted to. the only thing keeping me alive is my friends. because they a#least show that they fucking care and actively want to do things with me. like group drawing or playing video games.#YOU on the other hand; mother; yell and get mad at me over the stupidest shit and never fucking apologize.#i cannot recall a singular time you’ve apologized for being a complete bitch to me over something so fucking unimportant.#and yet i’m expected to be completely fucking fine and happy all because you provide me with the bare fucking minimum.#”i clothe and feed and provide a place for you to live” THAT IS THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. sure you could argue over the fact i’m 18 and#should be out working somewhere. but you give me so few opportunities for going places and even considering getting a job or finally gettin#my driver’s license. plus i would rather fucking die than work any food service or customer service job. because i’d be going somewhere#where i’d mostly get talked down to or yelled and then come home and have the same shit done after working for hours and getting minimal#pay. i’d rather work on my own fucking terms with commissions than go into any job where i have to interact with others in public for any#reason. where i’d be treated just the same as at home. like someone who isn’t a person and doesn’t deserve anyone to be nice to them.#i constantly so desperately wish that maybe one day soon i’d find someone to be with romantically and that i could maybe live with them and#get out of this hell hole that i’m supposed to call home. to go somewhere and have my efforts appreciated. to go somewhere where i’d#actually fucking be loved. i shouldn’t have to wish so god damn hard for a better life all because my mother can’t fucking treat me like a#person with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.#i’m ending this rant here before i get too angry and upset. see you all in maybe an hour.#suicide mention#ask to tag
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oh man.
#guys#guys.#okay i'm at my boss' house rn and they're leaving to go to the party#and it is so funny#the way my boss' wife is literally the boss of the house#it is so funny to watch#she is in charge here#and there's nothing else to be said about it what she says goes#i really don't understand how to deal w older white ppl because i've never been around them much#but she was very inclusive of me i went into their master bedroom/bathroom???? that was crazy#she made me help her w her costume#but yeah it has been bizarre so far but now i can decompress#also i realized that i forgot to turn in an assignment yesterday because it is a google form and i always forget about it#so we will see if i get any credit for it if i don't whatever i'm over this class#but i rly hope i get at least like half points because i literally did not remember it existed#but also the due date changes from fri to sun all the time so sue me idk#i hate this class very much#she gives me the woman experience is universal but i am in fact not the womans experience i am very too tomboy for this#not a pick me moment but a i cannot relate to what you're trying to get me to relate to i apologize greatly
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love being reminded by the "bestie" that keeps being close friends with all the girls that treated me like shit about the other friend not from that group that also treated me like shit and tried to convince others to leave me
#and she talked like it was such a pity i didnt want to try anymore to 'fix' things. i never had a problem with her#she just woke up one day and decided i was shit and deserved no friends while acting like nothing was wrong when i asked#and i didnt even learn she was talking shit until years later!!!#if she doesnt think that was messed uo what does she even think of how their grouo of friends treated me...?#i knew it was being too good a day :/ always end up finding some stupid comment that makes me feel like shit#woooo im unloveable and everyone will end up hating me sooner or later wooooooooo#maybe shes right and both that and the other Incident werent anything and im being an idiot about it#why does it even matter. they were right and its my problem for getting sad that they were saying what a horrible person i am#maybe its true and my presence does ruin everything for everyone. i should just stay home and never go out again#sigh#haunted.txt#maybe its all my fault for not trying hard enough ti earn forgiveness#even though i embarrassed myself so many times to do so and it was her shit friends that kept treating me like garbage#even after saying they forgave me and refusing to give me any apologies
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