#so idk maybe I'm just being weird but I felt a little odd about it

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

ladies is it weird if the guy you like completely sweeps you (and a middle schooler) off the board at foosball and then high fives you (and the middle schooler) about it?

[icewindandboringhorror]

Recent things.. mostly just writing screenshots lol

[tame-a-messenger]

This is going to be unhinged. LOL But, Damangela drought has brought the brain to weird places. So, Smosh got a new HR guy named Nate at the end of 2023. In one of Damien’s late November/early December streams, he mentioned that he was not having a good mental health day but he still wanted to stream (because streaming makes him feel better) so he called HR to ask if it was okay because they would be able to clearly see him doing it. He said at the time they said it was okay. But, afterwards is when he kept talking about having more time coming up.

My theory…HR fucked him over. I don’t know why people think HR is there to help you. They help the company. I think Damien may have been thinking about how to ask how to reduce his workload but HR probably “strongly suggested” he go freelance and convince him it was best for both him and the company. HR isn’t going to get rid of him completely because he didn’t do anything that egregious and he is a popular personality. Now, Damien is busy and it seems it worked out but I don’t think this was entirely his choice. On top of that, this was around the time that the jokes between Angela and Damien breached HR territory (“thank you mommy. Sorry for calling you mommy . We’ll talk about it in HR” “I know Damien’s!”). I think HR may have asked to separate them after a while. LASTLY, on top of that, Damien and Angela always ask for jokes to be removed so maybe they don’t put then together to prevent that as well.

Is there proof of this? Absolutely not. Is this unhinged? Yes. But, thanks for creating a safe space for this. At the end of the day, I think we’ll see more videos of them together but I think it will be in the structured video formats (ex. TNTL, SwordAF) so we’re less likely to see their off the cuff remarks to each other, which sucks because I love those.

Side note: I love Smosh but it’s a business. I think the new HR guy and the Pressalike/Smosh leadership coming together passed its observation stage and moved on to its change stage. I think some crew members felt this as well and this why we’ve had some people leave - Rachel, Heidi, Greg (sound guy), Kimmy, etc.

OOo interesting goss you have, I didn't know they got a new HR guy.

I'm a little confused as to why Damien would have to ask Smosh HR for permission to stream? unless you meant he was asking to go home early/not go into work to stream instead?

As unhinged as your theories could be, I think there's merit in them.

I could see them suggesting to Damien to go freelance (Idk about pressuring him into it, maybe just presented it as a good option for him) because of how much work he's been getting. He does talk about how much he really loves doing voice over, I totally see him wanting that to be his main gig, and wanting to have more time for it.

"the jokes between Angela and Damien breached HR territory (“thank you mommy. Sorry for calling you mommy . We’ll talk about it in HR” “I know Damien’s!”). I think HR may have asked to separate them after a while."

I want to say this seems a little outlandish, but I can't help but focus on how little we've gotten them in videos the last 2 months. EIOYI last supper and a TNTL being the only things they've been in the same room for, seems a little odd? (if we want to include the Mythical cookbook party and the recent VidCon group photo that only makes 4 times the last 2 months they've been publicly next to each other)(and they both appeared in the "Guess Shayne's Favorites" but weren't together) So I honestly can't totally write out that it could be on purpose..

It just feels a bit out of place, they used to be in a large portion of uploads together and then all the sudden we're getting almost nothing?? I get him being busy outside Smosh but he's still in some uploads? like how come Angela has been playing more video games (And getting really good at them) while he's been playing card games? seems like a subversion?

Not to mention how often people around Angela (and Angela herself) bring him up. I'm pretty sure most videos with Ang recently they've mentioned Damien?

"I think we’ll see more videos of them together but I think it will be in the structured video formats (ex. TNTL, SwordAF) so we’re less likely to see their off the cuff remarks to each other, which sucks because I love those."

Yeah, I think so too, it seems like they've pretty much finished doing all of the bi-weekly(?) uploads (like BAF:L, SwordAF) where we knew they'd both have to be there.

Sad times rn.. I just hope Spring has better things in store <3 (and maybe they start up a new playthrough of something? ��)

"thanks for creating a safe space for this."

You're welcome! I don't think y'all understand how awesome it is to have this space. I get all kinds of different perspectives and new info all the time! I feel like this blog is a newspaper with all the asks about stuff that's going on! like we have our own hub for info about anything them! I want to thank you for sending in asks! <3

"Side note: I love Smosh but it’s a business. I think the new HR guy and the Pressalike/Smosh leadership coming together passed its observation stage and moved on to its change stage. I think some crew members felt this as well and this why we’ve had some people leave - Rachel, Heidi, Greg (sound guy), Kimmy, etc."

THAT IS SUCH A GOOD POINT! We have had a lot of cast/crew leave!

Oh to be a fly on the wall~!

(Side note- SOUND GUY GREG LEFT!!??? HE WAS MY FAVORITE he was like an easter egg in videos! IM GONNA MISS HIM)

Thank you for this Anon! There was a lot of really good information in this! I'll be keeping it in mind for the future! <3

[snowbaamgyu]

Helloooooo!!! So I don’t know if you already saw it but there was a MOA talking about how she unexpectedly met TXT at the airport and everyone was so nice and the members were so handsome she was super excited blah blah blah.. but she mentioned that while soobin, taehyun, yeonjun and huening had brought something to eat, beomgyu wasn't eating anything, soooo maybe you could write something about it like he caught a really bad flu the day before the trip or something and he was feeling dizzy and had a fever and throwing up a lot on the plane. Also if you want you can write the POV of the MOA that saw them 🫢 like “I was constantly watching them and noticed how soobin was taking beomgyu’s temperature and Kai was rubbing his stomach” idk something like that.. I just saw it and I immediately thought about all this, what do you think? 😊

Here it is!! I'm sorry it took so long, I hope you like it. (sorry I didn't come up with a good title)[also sorry that I didn't write for the "throwing up on the plane part" I finished writing it and didn't realize you wanted that 😭]

Up and down

"Hyung, do we have some medicine?"

Beomgyu asked Soobin as he approached the kitchen cabinet that contained medicines and vitamins, though he didn't know what medicine in specific he was searching.

"We do have, but what's wrong? what kind of medicine do you need?" Soobin was having some midday snack, they were all preparing their luggage for their trip the next day, it was still pretty early but better that than rush everything.

"Dunno. I don't feel well" Beomgyu was pouting, telling the truth. He felt off but didn't exactly know what's going on with his body.

"Maybe you're just tired or nervous, go lay down for a while and when lunch's ready I'll wake you, okay?" Soobin patted his head as he left his plate on the sink. Beomgyu did as told, he was indeed exhausted but he didn't do anything to feel like that at that hour of the morning.

He felt sleep slowly getting into him, and within a few minutes he was back in dreamland.

But those dreams were wrong, some bizarre images went through his head, everything felt too real but at the same time didn't make any sense; it was all a mixture of reality and dreams (or nightmares at that point), it was getting hard to breathe, everything felt so suffocating and the next second— a hand was shaking him awake.

"Beomgyu-ah, hey, what's wrong?" Soobin again, Beomgyu's chest hurt as he tried to breathe in order to calm himself down, his stomach was making some weird noises but not out of hunger, nausea was making its way too, bile rising through his throat but quickly being swallowed back down, a burning feeling as if he was being cooked alive, and– the final touch of that damn discomfort cocktail was: a dizzying headache.

Now he did know what was wrong and in what specific order.

"Gyu, breath with me please? it was just a bad dream, everything's fine, at count of three you'll follow my breathing okay? one... two... three... again, one... two... three..." they repeated that until Beomgyu could breathe normally again, he looked at Soobin with teary eyes.

"Hyung, I really don't feel good" Beomgyu drew his knees to his chest and rested his head there, Soobin just hummed. "I know, I think you have a fever, are you hurting somewhere else?"

Beomgyu nodded, "my head hurts, I'm dizzy and my stomach feels off" Soobin winced at that, they had a trip scheduled for tomorrow, they've known about it for a month now, but unfortunately Beomgyu fell sick right the day before it.

"You have to take some meds, but you need to eat at least something, and then tomorrow you can sleep on the plane too, you just have to make it through the check in at the airport" Beomgyu nodded a bit, just wanting to take something to feel better.

"Come and eat at least a little bit alright? then you can rest all day" it was true, Beomgyu had his luggage ready when he started noticing the odd feeling.

They both made their way to the kitchen where the rest of the boys were already sat and waiting for the two of them to start serving the food.

"Are you okay Beoms?" Yeonjun noticed his pale complexion and how quiet he was, of course he wasn't that happy tiny ball full of energy all the time, but he wasn't that quiet either. Said boy shook his head "no" and everyone looked at him.

"He's coming down with something so he's feeling a bit sick, hopefully it isn't that bad" Soobin was the one to answer, giving Beomgyu a pat on his back.

They continued their meal while Beomgyu slowly stopped eating, going even more pale, sweat gathering on his forehead. With a shaky hand clasped on his mouth he muttered a low "sorry" when he got up from the table and sprinted to the bathroom, locking the door and kneeling in front of the toilet, the food he just tried to keep down came back up, obviously totally undigested, burning his throat came another wave, for the third one it came with a choke and a coughing attack.

"Gyu, everything okay?" Yeonjun knocked on the door while everyone else cleaned up the table.

The younger responded with a weak "No..." and brought up more vomit.

"Soobin went to get you some medicine, Kai got your bed ready with a trashcan near, when you're done go to your room okay? Just if you need me I'll stay right here outside." And Yeonjun did what he said, standing there for almost half an hour when he heard the toilet finally being flushed and the faucet being turned on, then Beomgyu opened the door and looked even worse than before, Yeonjun was the one who caught him in his arms when the sick boy tried to let go of the grasp he had on the door.

"Hey, let's get you to bed alright? You can sleep this off the whole afternoon and night, tomorrow you'll be feeling better" the older reassured him, keeping an arm around his shoulder, if said arm was in touch with his sweaty frame then Yeonjun didn't mind.

When Beomgyu laid back down he immediately curled up into a ball, the fever messing with his body temperature, he was almost melting down but inside he felt all cold.

"Soobin got you some medicine, take this pill and try to sleep okay?" Yeonjun also didn't mind combing his fingers through his sweaty hair and helping Beomgyu with the glass of water when his shaky hands almost dropped it.

Yeonjun left his side when he was sure the younger was asleep, the rest of the group gathered in the living room.

"What do we do? He can't just skip this schedule, is so important!" Taehyun said with a worried tone, "I know, but we can't force him and the company also can't force him, he needs rest, not getting into a plane" Soobin was the one to answer, "I'll call our manager to see if we can do something, but it's most likely he'll have to come with us, get some IV on the hotel and rest a bit there".

The leader put the speaker on when their manager answered, they explained the situation as best as they could, the manager was also concerned but as they expected, Beomgyu had to go with them.

"Tomorrow's morning I'll get him to the clinic real quick, make him get some fluids and meds, then I'll drop him at your dorm so the car can get you boys to the airport, that's all I can do".

Okay, at least that calmed them down a bit, so they settled with that.

Beomgyu slept until midnight, when he woke up to drink some water, he still felt bad but not as bad as he did earlier, the headache was still there, tha nausea was gone but his stomach still hurt a bit, not to mention his fever went down for the time being. Maybe, just maybe, he could power through their trip.

A couple hours later his manager was shaking him awake, making Beomgyu once again notice his discomfort in full force. "Kiddo, wake up we have to go to get you checked up", Beomgyu opened one eye and everything began spinning again when he stood up, his manager helping him to put on some shoes, a hoodie, a mask, and hop into the car, not even bothering to change his pajamas or wash his face, feeling too sick for all that.

"How are you holding up?" as the ride went on, the manager asked after watching Beomgyu through the rear mirror, the boy looking pale, sweaty, with his eyes closed but after he opened at the sound of the other's voice he noticed his eyes were unfocused and hazy, probably the sleep or a new fever.

"Not about to die but hoping I do so, everything aches and spins" Beomgyu answered as he closed his eyes once again, some minutes later they arrived to the clinic and Beomgyu had to wake up again. He couldn't remember anything or focus, only answering when the doctor listed some possible symptoms he may have been experiencing and when he guessed right he just said a low "yes" and dissociated once again.

The doctor told him to lay down for a physical exam, aka touching his abdomen to rule out something that might need a surgery like appendicitis, sure after the ride Beomgyu was feeling a bit nauseated but after the doctor pressed certain spot he jumped with a gag, titling his head to the side and dry heaving, the doctor quickly put a container under his chin and another retch just brought up the water he had in the middle of the night.

After the incident Beomgyu fell asleep when he laid back down, the doctor explaining to the manager that he needed rest, it wasn't that big of a deal but after a bag of IV he could go on the trip.

A couple of hours later Beomgyu woke up, a nurse was putting a band aid where the needle was on his hand, his manager noticing he was awake went to his side and put a hand on his hair as if he were a puppy "How are you feeling Beomgyu-ah?" the latter just blinked twice and answered "Better than last night, but still not that good" his manager winced a bit, "You're still up for the trip? We can put up a statement saying that you're sick and couldn't make it" Beomgyu just shook his head no, he wanted to go, he really wanted to, so he would do anything in order for him to be with his members.

When he returned to the dorms everyone was waiting in the living room with their luggage, immediately they all looked up to him and smiled seeing him there, still a bit pale but he seemed well.

"How are you feeling Gyu? Are you feeling better?" Soobin asked as he reached for him, hugging him lightly. "Yes, I'm feeling better now, I slept well at the clinic" everyone smiled a bit, relieved that Beomgyu was doing okay.

"Alright, Beomgyu go grab your luggage and everyone please go ahead to the parking lot, the van is there."

They were halfway to the airport when Beomgyu started feeling a bit queasy again, luckily the van stopped at a gas station where the boys got food and water, not being able to stay there for long they took their food containers to the van and planned to eat at the airport, Beomgyu just grabbed a bottle of water and took small sips and deep breaths, not wanting to be so focused on the smell of food that lingered in the air, he was so relieved when they stopped at the airport. He was wearing a mask, Soobin and Taehyun too, the only ones without a mask were Yeonjun and Kai, so no one suspected Beomgyu was sick.

They moved without problems, not any crazy fans were there, they passed through the check in and went to the seats as they waited for their flight to call them, everyone started eating but Beomgyu just looked away, Kai placed a hand on his stomach and started rubbing it lightly, Beomgyu closed his eyes. Soobin reached for his forehead when he finished his meal, Beomgyu's forehead was a bit warm but not at an alarming rate. He didn't notice a moa who happened to be there as well, noticing that Beomgyu was the only one who wasn't eating and was rubbing his stomach, said moa connected the dots and aside from being excited to be able to see them so close, was also kinda worried about Beomgyu, but if he was sick then Hybe would put up a statement right?

Some minutes passed and they got up looking where was their plane, they didn't film a vlog this time, Beomgyu was thankful for that, he was ready to sleep through all the flight and hoped he felt better when they arrived.

The ride from the airport to their hotel was horrible, Beomgyu was still queasy but as they arrived to their hotel he went to sleep some more, and also Soobin went to his room to give him some medicines and explaining quickly their functions. Their first day there was for rest so the members would take turns to hang out with Beomgyu and take care of him when he felt nauseous or had to throw up, Yeonjun had to rub his back, Taehyun had to call the hotel cleaning service once when he couldn't make it, Kai rubbed his tummy as Beomgy had his head on the maknae's shoulder, Soobin once again making sure he took all his medicines on time and they also got him to eat something light, happy when his stomach didn't react in a bad way.

The next day Beomgyu was feeling better, the queasiness went away and his fever was gone as well, he took it with calm on the rehearsals for the concert but at the time the actual concert started he felt completely fine and gave an amazing performance as if nothing had happened, all with the help of his members.

[mastersoftheair]

Sorry but am I the only one that thought that episode…sucked? Like it was straight up bad. Horrible pacing, no wrap up of all the random characters and plot lines they’ve thrown around all season (the tuskegee airmen, Westgates spying, literally all the guys beside like the main 4). (Seriously it makes me so mad that the three redtails got all of 5 seconds of screen time, almost no lines. Literally what was the point of introducing them other than to pretend the show was iNcLuSiVe) Even at the end of BoB and the Pacific you get a much better idea of what happened to all the remaining guys. In this they’re like what happened to DeMarco or Hambone or Brady or (insert character here) we don’t know! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The concentration camp scene felt shoehorned in compared to how it was done in BoB. Unless that actually happened to Rosie (which i haven’t heard anything about) but it was just like.. ok? It all felt so rushed and emotionless to me. Maybe I’ve just fallen out of love with MoTA but it’s been downhill for me since episode 6 or so.

i already made a little (read: long) post-finale write-up here, where i talk about the use of the tuskegee airmen, l'sandra, and overall editing/pacing issues i felt the show had. but i don't agree with the notion that adding the redtails was in any way insincere or trying to halfass being "iNcLuSiVe", i just think they suffer from this show's obvious time constraints. and to summarize what i wrote in my linked post, there's a limit to what white writers/directors/producers can do when creating a story about black people. there are some stories i'd feel uncomfortable with them telling on their own, truth be told. dee rees wasn't the sole nonwhite director, but she Was the only black one. i think she did her job well given the limitations and i appreciate that they let her direct those episodes, rather than leaving it up to a team of white people trying their best to tell a black story.

the worst i can say about the finale is that it didn't feel like That strong of finale, tho i wouldn't go as far to say it "sucked" or call it "straight up bad". i liked it plenty, it's just the weakest of the hbo war finales imo.

as for the concentration camp scene, artistic license was taken with both shows. unlike what's seen in the BoB, easy company wasn't the first to arrive at kaufering, and there's 0 mention of the all-japanese american 552nd who helped them liberate it). similarly, rosie rosenthal did assist in liberating those camps, though it would've been after the events shown this episode. idk if he saw one in that up-close way seen in this episode, but he could've (i should research this when i have time). plus, it would've felt weird Not having him acknowledge them at all. "shoe-horned" is an odd term to use here imo, as both scenes more-or-less center a jewish character (BoB's liebgott and MotA's rosie). the former show has survivors the characters can help, the latter shows no one left to help. the former has all of easy company there, the latter has rosie there all alone. rosie's scene felt deeply personal in that way. at the end of the day, both scenes are communicating different things. that doesn't make one better than the other when they aren't trying to be identical. (disclaimer, i'm not jewish, so i'd be interesting hearing from the perspective of someone who wrt whether or not they felt it was "shoe-horned")

i can understand if you've disliked the show post-episode 6 (and episode 6 was a very strong episode i'm ngl). eps 7 and 8 were weaker in many ways, even to me, so i get it. everyone's entitled to their own opinion (i'd be a hypocrite saying otherwise). just understand that this blog is run by someone who overall enjoys this show despite its flaws! basically, i encourage you to take this energy and make your own posts.

[bluegekk0]

Bit of a long post below, bit of a vent as well.

I wish the Tumblr for you dash actually showed me new stuff that isn't always related to HK. I do love the game but I've felt a sense of disconnect with the community for a while now, especially recently. Almost every piece of fanart I see is of the most popular characters, especially Hollow and the vessels. And it makes sense that they would be popular, but I never personally connected with them that much, so being bombarded with the art just makes me feel like I don't quite fit in. Which by itself isn't bad, but I've dealt with this kind of anxiety for years, the constant feeling that I'm not welcome and that I'm the weird one of the bunch. So refreshing the dash and seeing yet another fanart of the vessels, of Quirrel or any other popular character I don't personally connect with is like a constant reminder of those worries.

It also doesn't help that my interpretations of the characters are so disconnected from the rest of the fandom that it sometimes feels like the HK I love is not the same HK everyone else loves. And I do cherish my AU very much, it's pretty much the only way I enjoy HK these days, so I wouldnt trade that for anything, and I'm just as obsessed with it as I was a year ago. But it does add to that sense of disconnect, I guess. Though having people's support does more than enough to make up for that, I'm so grateful for all the nice comments, all the asks and just for knowing that people still care. It means a lot. It feels like a little community of its own within the fandom, and I'm hoping that one day the worries stop and I'll be able to fully enjoy this small niche.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just a bit frustrated by how Tumblr works. Even after mass reblogging TES posts my for you tab is still full of stuff from people I follow (like come on, there is a whole tab for those, why won't it stay there??), and idk I guess I would like to see more variety, instead of being reminded of that feeling of being an odd one out in the fandom. I've been struggling emotionally for months now and that just... doesn't help. I get frustrated and upset over the tiniest things.

I could take a break, but enjoying content about my favorite things always makes me feel better, so I wish it was easier to actually do that without being reminded of my worries. And I'm not sure if a break would actually do me any good. Maybe I'll try that one day.

[armed-saphire]

if you had been writing the women in metal gear what would you change with them (a lot i know) because i feel like just the idea of women being written well in metal gear will benefit us all

I'm answering but just so we all know my qualifications here are just that I'm a woman I am not a writer or game designer or whatever also as it goes on I get more pissed off so it gets a little messy structure wise hope that's ok anyways here's what I wrote:

Um ok, so it would take sooo long to write a full structured analysis so I'll give little things for each character. Uhh mgs1 make Meryl less of just a flat love interest stand-in because the rest of her backstory in that game feels like it’s shoehorned in to make it seem like she has actual character when she's just meant as the glorified damsel in distress (not to say she can't need help but a lot of it felt like a bunch of "leave me Snake, I can't help you I'm just a GIRL!!"). Also, this is just my personal HC but it would add so much to her if she was transgender but it's not like NEEDED- anyway also Naomi was meant to be brown idk what happened but I would return her melanin to her I think. Mei Ling is mostly fine character-wise but I would remove all of Snake's weird advances and comments about her. I would actually remove that from all of his interactions with women in that game I think. OH and Sniper Wolf should put the thangs away I'm thinking like a fur coat and also I want her whole character to be more than just a sexy lady with a tragic past. her speaking in a seductive voice 80% of the time and just being honestly creepy was stupid. I think she could just be a person maybe. that would be cool I think. She could've been just tough and standoffish and then revealed her true feelings as she was dying instead of all the weird seductive stuff

Ok now Mgs2, Fortune is pretty much fine but I wish she didn’t have her booty cheeks out on the seemingly cold big shell bc Raiden was shivering and sneezing like a little wet dog when he lost his suit so I'd assume she’s cold too. if she was wearing some cool pants or something that would be neat but other than that I think she's pretty well written. next Emma ummm her personality itself isn't the issue to me but I didn’t like how Raiden was kind of creepy towards her (not really but like. “You should wear contacts” I'll punch him maybe). Also, she should've had a cooler outfit but that's it. Honestly, I’d have to rewatch or replay Mgs2 to get a good grasp of her character but I see no crazy issues. Rosemary omg I think she’s fine but I hated how it kind of felt like it was Raiden and Campbell vs Rose and she always loses even in non-canon codecs it was so annoying. Other than that once again I will have to listen to the codecs again because I haven't heard all of them in a while. Actually, I just remembered I didn't like how she was kind of written to be oddly insecure?? Ig?? I mean she spent a lot of time in codecs talking about personal stuff and not the mission which I guess was intentional but I found it odd. Olga’s fine no notes. Don’t think there's anyone else. (skipping mgs3 bc it only has 3 women and I think they’re all written ok I don't have many issues.) Ok, mgs4 for the B&B unit I will refer you to this post because I’ve already talked about it. other than that Meryl was actually really good until the final part on outer haven that was so bad “I can't protect anyone” or whatever she said girl fuck off the only reason she said that was so that big strong man Johnny Sasaki could come to save her omg fuck you also Johnny Sasaki should die that's crucial to this anyway, Mei Ling was fine but I’d remove the codec call where Otacon and Snake say that Mei Ling probably just slept with older men to get to her job position I just think I wouldn't have that in the game probably. Naomi ok so I haven't finished mgs1 so I can't tell you exactly if what she does in Mgs4 is fucked up compared to how she is in mgs1 I mean personality wise but also I was eating a really gross ass sandwich when I watched one of her long cutscenes and it skewed my perception of her a bit oh also I would personally like to button her shirt up for her. uh idk Rose once again was fine but also I’m killing everyone for the mistranslation from the JP version of mgs4 that in English made her seem like some evil liar idk anyway you look that up if you really wanna know it’s on Twitter. uh who else does Sunny count doesn't matter she's fine no issues. 

GZ you already know what I'm going to say also TPP so I'm skipping it also I'm not wasting my time getting triggered for no reason so like read my mind or something

Because I skipped 3 games I’ll do MGR Courtney her character itself was fine I didn't like the codecs where 1 Raiden jokes that she should get lipo and 2 the call that's just Raiden and Kevin talking about how much they don't wanna date her also her design is so like beauty standards boring as shit at least make her look cool or something idk. and Mistral I’m so tired of femme fatale characters in Metal Gear it’s not cute it’s not like empowering the way it’s done her entire character is sexualized and it is JUST because she's a woman. I said this about Wolf too it’s hard to feel bad for a character’s sad war backstory when it is also very clear they’re just meant to be a sexual object with no substance it’s not cute either it's just stupid. Also, there’s other stupid sexist codecs about her too obviously lastly uh Sunny’s also in it she's fine whatever

also i just noticed i skipped peace walker but like whatever its fine lol

[indigochromatic]

🌙 How does your system handle dreams?

That's an interesting question! Our dreams are kind of Weird (although tbh, whose aren't). It's almost always me fronting while dreaming, and even when S fronts it's nearly always (except for a few memorable cases) like he's "switched in", and still has to use my/our IRL body in the dream--and also, we don't seem to be able to do co-con, somehow? Like, we can switch, but it's all 'backdoor switches', with maybe a second or two of overlap where we can sense/feel each other and then it's back to dream chaos alone. Really wish we could figure that one out, it kinda sucks tbh. We also used to have way more problems with "lucid, but not in the fun way" dreams, where I'd be awake in the dream...but without the stereotypical lucid-dreaming-omipotence thing: it's like being a video game character with no powers and no items trying to navigate an ever-shifting, chaotic (and sometimes not-super-friendly) landscape. - tw unreality/derealization below - Also I'd dream about waking up, and think I'd woken up until something went Weird (for example, realizing that the view outside my window is slightly the wrong angle, or changed since I last looked at it)...then try to wake up, dream about waking up again, etc, for multiple loops/in a row until finally actually being able to wake up. Not super fun, although more frustrating/sad/isolating-feeling than horrific. (The nightmares can definitely get horrific, but those feel more like rapid-onset panic attacks while asleep that cause the dream landscape to shift abruptly or something like that, idk) - end tw unreality/derealization - Some of the more negative dream stuff has gotten better on average, after an odd, multi-day, back-of-headspace episode that I can only describe as "S picked a fight with some part of our subconscious and won", so that's been helpful. I used to be able to "fix" my nightmares by just shifting into dragon shape at-will, but for some reason that seems to be working less well in the past couple of years. I've also had some luck with talking to dream NPCs politely and asking if I could wake up.

Another kind of neat/odd thing I've noticed is that sometimes (I only really notice during lucid episodes, so idk if happens the rest of the time as well or not), the dream's "visual channel" and "audio channel" will be...disconnected, basically? Like, there will be the usual chaos-brain dream landscape going on, with it's 1-3 seconds of stability before shifting, and then a simultaneous mostly entirely unrelated radio-chatter audio track going on "in my head" (like, it's not coming from the dream, it's in my head while I'm dreaming), like hypnogogic auditory hallucinations carrying on into the dream? Feels distinct from system communication, because even though there's clear words and different voices, there's...like, no feeling of substance behind them, and you can't really converse with them. It doesn't feel like a person, it feels like I'm hearing the background-radiation static noise thoughts of my brain translated directly into pseudo-auditory information. We don't get hallucinations (afaik) while awake, so that's interesting!

We've also had one especially long-and-weird lucid dream episode that involved sort of being given a "tour" of a bunch of visual metaphors of brain functions, with multiple rounds of me "floating back up to the surface" of waking and then dipping back down--and during those kinda-awake windows, I could talk to S, who said it felt like he could "see a little into the dream over your shoulder", as though I was standing in a doorway and he was looking past me at what was beyond it--but he couldn't follow me into it, for some reason (we still don't know why). Also I can daydream in dreams. Like, I can be asleep and in a dream, trying to imagine a thing (usually carrying on whatever thread I was following before falling asleep), which stays internal to my head even within the plane of the dream, so I'm like, trying to find a chill spot in-dream to sit and continue the daydream thoughts, but occasionally get interrupted by weird dream stuff and have to look around for a different chill spot. I've tried seeing if I can impose the daydream-visualizations onto the dream landscapes, the way lucid dreams are "supposed" to work (and how they used to work more frequently for me when I was younger), and for some reason they just sort of stay in the "daydream channel" even while dreaming. It's sort of hilariously many layers of meta, and I have no idea why our brain apparently does this currently, maybe it'll change again someday.

[little-cereal-draws]

Major Shadow and Bone season two spoilers

OK BUT WHAT WAS THE REASON???? WHAT WAS THE REASON??? WHY DID DAVID DO THAT??????? IT WAS SO UNNECESSARY!! SOBBING

ok and now that i've got that out of my system, I actually do problems with how his death was treated.

It felt so... unnecessary. Putting aside my love for David, it felt so weird from an in-story point of view. I genuinely don't know why he did that. There was enough room for them both in the elevator and what on earth was he supposed to do against a being made of shadow? There was no tension of "what's going to happen to David" bc there was no way for him to win. I think he was supposed to be sacrificing himself so Genya could escape and be safe but honestly if he wanted to protect her, it would be better to live. He could seal doors to keep monsters out, he was studying how these creatures work at the beginning of the season so maybe he knew a secret weakness or smth, or at the very least they have a better chance of surviving if they stick together.

Locking her in an elevator is so stupid too bc he could have been dooming her. What if the elevator got stuck/broken and she couldn't get out? She would have suffocated or starved. What if a monster got in and she was boxed in? Literally no way for her to escape. Like it was such a stupid decision. Luckily neither of those happened but they very easily could have. (And then the fact that we don't see where the elevator goes or her getting out bothers me but that's not what this post is about.)

And this next thing may be a moot point bc the last two episodes were so busy and I'm not quite sure how to fit them in, but I wish we got to see at least a little bit of David fighting the monster. I know I said before there was no way for him to win but I at least want to see him try. I want to see David, a shy, introvert who has never been anywhere near the front lines, fight with everything he has to get back to Genya. He has no training, no idea what to do, nothing but the idea that he needs to get back to her. His death was already sad but this really would have pushed it to a new level. The way they had it, I already knew he was going to die bc the odds were so against him. But if they showed him trying to fight, it would have given the viewer a bit of hope and make it that much worse when he loses.

The last shot that we see of him is him standing in front of the elevator looking determinedly at the monster while Genya screams for him. I'll be honest, I actually did have a bit of hope for him here. We just saw this Durast saint in Shu Han kick everybody's asses; all these expert soldiers and criminals that we've seen win over and over, and she did it like it was nothing. And Jesper even had a very minor arc abt using his powers more and in more unconventional ways and I was hoping to see it reflected in David. We know he's an amazing Durast, one of the best ones in Ravka, and unlike Jesper he actually has training and knows how to use his powers. We last saw him standing in a workshop, surrounded by tools and materials that he knows how to use, and I was really hoping that he would figure out a way to use them in battle. Idk if he could actually hurt the monster but it would still be so cool and develop his character in a way we haven't seen before. Or at least he could make a flash bomb or smth like the ones Wylan uses and escape. But nope. I put too much faith in the writers to think they would do that.

Lastly, his death didn't advance the plot in anyway. If they wanted it to develop Genya, I really don't think it was the right choice. Over the course of this season, she's been mutilated, disabled, kept as a prisoner, thought she lost the love of her life, and confronted her abusers. She has already been so developed so much since season one, adding David's death doesn't really do anything. I think they did it just for shock value. And the way it was written didn't really make sense either? She's upset when she can't find him after the battle, she's upset when she finds the ruby in his coat, and then the next time we see her she's fine? She's laughing and smiling and hanging out with her friends. And I'm not saying that ppl who are grieving can't do those things, but it was just such an extreme 180 that happened so quickly, both in the episode's run time and the in-show timeline, that it felt jarring and like she didn't care anymore. And this is not hate on the actress ofc, she was amazing this season.

Idk I just think they handled David's death very poorly. But we didn't see his body so maybe he's still alive. I hope so, I love him so much.

[midnightmisadventures]

Uhhhhhhh

Had a dream. Kinda insane. Ben!! But not the tour kind, the HIGHSCHOOL kind

But also I think he was just a placeholder Ali

But it was so odd, lots of details

Think sexy pajama party where I accidentally left Bambi in state college at bffs and lias appt.

Regardless I was canoodling with Ben, cuddling, being flirty. But there was competition

I told him how I felt and while I was telling him that I came to the conclusion that I had feelings for him....I said very casually.....uh

"I realized, oh I love him....yada yada yada"

And as soon as I said the word love to his face I was like oh shit did i mess up like maybe I shouldn't have said that

Then later, bff went on like a date with him or chose him to be their partner for something and I was feeling snubbed cause we're the one with the history and we also have something going on

The three of us were sitting in a row with Ben in the middle. After the event was over he stood up and hugged bff and whispered "I had such a great time tonight, and I really like you"

And I overheard and was feeling like well shit..... that makes me sad damn

But then immediately after he hugged me and whispered in MY ear ....... something something "and, I love you too"

As in response to my causal but real I love you before!

So I was so happy but I still wasn't sure what that meant.

The thing was.....it was complicated because there was another guy at the party, and in the mix. And he liked me and I liked him a little.

Some word got out that I was more interested in guy 2 which gave ben the okay to.....do stuff with other girls idk honestly

It was weird cause I quickly realized no, Ben is the one I care about the most and want to be with. It's no question vs the other guy

And I could see girls prowling at Ben which by the way NO ONE was doing before. It was like all of a sudden he was the hottest man on the market and he was NOT before

Regardless, I was like I need to talk to him about how I feel before things get serious with any of these other girls

They were coming up to me asking me for help with them and i was like If this was me 3/4 years ago. I would HELP you get the guy EYE like...

But no not this time. I'm gonna talk to him and tell him how I feel and that guy 2 was always a non factor

So I said hey Ben can I talk to you later

And he was basically like uh yea of course let me get you an appt

[sl33py-g4m3r]

May have posted about this before; however, I'm doing it again...

that post last night with the little footnote got me thinking about it again..... unfortunately..... It's just a cat and mouse game with no discernible outcome as I can't make up my mind as to what's true...

Am I trans or not?

Or am i just uncomfortable being female for some other reason?

I don't know how to see myself tbh....

Like I don't see myself as female really, despite obviously being biologically female....

but at the same time idk.... Am I trans or not? It's something that's been bugging me off and on since I've been a young adult...

mom dressed me in dresses when I was really young, then I stopped wearing them at some point but didn't exactly dress like a boy either. Just androgynous because kid... Got called moms son once at an eye appointment, that made me happy a bit back then. But I didn't know what gender/sex was back then. Then the boys were helping me in second grade because I'm legally blind, and they wanted to help. The girls were mean to me cause I was getting the attention that they wanted I guess.... It's been a while. So 6-7 year old me snuck scissors into the school bathroom to cut my long hair off; thinking it would make me a boy i guess. It didn't. and sadly enough dad even kept a lock of the hair I had cut off. Had had it short ever since. well that's a lie actually; I grew it out in 2012-2014, and let it get quite long, tailbone length long, then I stopped caring for it, biggest mistake ever, and it got cut short once more.

I've struggled with what I know now as some pretty bad anxiety and ptsd from childhood that idk if is playing a part but that's beside the point i think...

Never really saw myself in terms of boy or girl as a kid; I just was.. I got called a boy a few times which made me kinda happy but I didn't know why.

Then eventually the horrors of puberty showed up; I began wearing sweaters and jackets at school and out all the time. and became very insecure about myself, moreso than I already was. But with things that came up I dealt with.

Didn't think about it again until young adulthood when I found tumblr and lurked for a bit. learning what "transgender" was and wondering if I was that if I was so uncomfortable being female.

idk if it was just the anxiety or something, or the fact that everyone's taller than my 150 cm ass........ Or that I'm insecure cause I'm blind from a legal standpoint or what....

I began wondering what it was like to be seen or be a male in society. How would I be treated differently if I were seen as a male?

I asked the wrong person the wrong questions and was SA'd as a result; but things could've been much worse, that they could've.

I dropped it and thought it went away; but it hasn't... Hell that SA incident was what got me into therapy and realizing that I have anxiety and ptsd from childhood to begin with, lol. and maybe mildly autistic but that isn't actually diagnosed at all.

So now the "am I a trans guy" just pops up from time to time, I think about it a while, and then drop it again.

I thought I'd talked to mom about it a long while ago; how I felt being female and that I didn't want to be, talked to an aunt about it too. They both just said that; "god made you female for a reason". so I dropped it once again.

tried getting the therapy office to use a male name and pronouns for me; but that just sounded odd after almost 30 years of being referred to by my birth name and sex. so it felt really weird and I never officially implemented it, reverting it before it went into effect as a test run.

So is it because I'm short? Because I'm disabled? Because I'm female? What makes me so insecure of myself and unsure of everything?

I question and second guess everything for the most part... and still don't know how to see myself.

all of my OC's that I've made throughout all of the fandoms I've been in (sonic, naruto, etc. and even my own original character that I've made independently of any fandom) had been male.

would I have more confidence in myself if I were male? Or is it something else?

It might be a bunch of things all at once that I'm not understanding...

I'm just very confused to whom I am and had been for many years....

and I can't pay with the "crossdressing to be read as male" because it's very obvious that I'm female anyway....

So am I actually trans or is there a bunch of stuff going on under the surface that I'm unaware of and that's whats causing me to feel this way?

Even if I were a guy; I'd still be short, still be emotional, still like cute things probably, would be bullied perhaps for being emotional and shy, and being shy might be cuter in females anyway.... idk......

Male or female, I'd still be me...

and I have no idea who I am or how I come off to people

aside from "too nice for my own good" or "the blind one" or idk what else. I know I shouldn't care how people look at me and think but i do anyway......

I hate how that post last night threw me into thinking about this... Hopefully posting about it will help somehow...

Do I come off as male or female on the internet?? Before I outed myself as female what was thought of me?? I don't like disclosing that because I worry that doing so would get people acting smarmy towards me and be creepy...

sad boi gender rant over.....

I'm sorry for subjecting you all to sad boi hours like 2 days in a row... or the same one...... idk

enjoy the self examination as well as the confusion that comes along with it....

I genuinely don't know what to think about myself at this point....

all I do know probably for sure tho is that if I were a guy I'm assuming I'd be a femboy; cause I'd like soft, fluffy, cute things still... and still be a pacifist.... the opposite of the tomboy i was as a child... maybe...

[winter-spark]

Okay so why I thought Orange was 20 in year 2, even though as I reread Year 2 Winter and Citron events it sorta fell through. Especially with the Citron card from the Spotlight about the Mahjong club. Regardless, I'm gonna share it. So bare with the inaccuracies, please. After I get through it, I will also explain why the theory's (unfortunately) wrong.

So, this all starts from a question my sister and I had, “How was there a coronation planned if they hadn’t heard from Citron in so long? He was a missing person to at least the Royal Family. Shouldn’t it have been canceled?”

And I say ‘at least the Royal Family’ but with the presence Citron had there’s no way it wasn’t known that he was missing (unless they did some sort of cover-up of “Citron is just abroad right now” or something like that but it doesn’t feel like something they as a Royal family would do you know? Plus how would they explain it at his coronation if he didn't show up?). It actually is sorta implied that it is somewhat known, as Chikage heard there was something going on,

even if Tadoru hadn't. (Especially when Chikage heard about it likely would've been at least a little further back, while Tadoru probably heard it more recently as they are in preparation for the upcoming coronation.)

So why wouldn’t it have been canceled since they had no clue where Citron was?

While trying to understand that, I remembered that the King said that when Tangerine turns 20, he’d become King, so I was like, ‘oh! Coronations must be when the heir turns 20!’

I thought for sure I cracked the code. See, if coronations happen when the heir turns 20, and Citron had been mia, but Zafra was preparing for the coronation before he was found and back, then maybe it wasn’t Citron’s original coronation. Maybe, it wasn't supposed to be Citron's coronation at all. Maybe instead, it was supposed to be Orange’s coronation.

Maybe Citron arrived back in Zafra, just in time for the coronation preparations to readjust and incorporate him as he’s alive and the rightful heir. Maybe Orange and Navel were a bit bitter about his return because Orange was so close to being King and it was literally ripped away from him mere weeks before he took the throne. Maybe that’s why they talk about how lucky Citron is and how unlucky Orange and Navel are. Maybe that’s why Orange was mostly on board with the make Citron go mia plan as just having the throne ripped from his fingers he might’ve been feeling pretty desperate, he didn’t even want Citron dead(at least by the time it came down for the plan to be in action), just wanted him to miss the coronation.

And this all made sense to me especially because somewhere in my brain I had already been convinced that Citron had been mia for 2 years already at the start of the game(thinking back on it maybe something like that was said in the year 2 winter arc and I just moved it to be for the beginning of year 1 for some reason. Idk for sure tho) I thought weird things were happening, he went missing, then at 22 he arrived in Japan and joined Mankai. Where was he before Japan? Great question. Apparently, Zafra because he didn’t “go missing” at 20.

As I reread Winter Year 2, as well as other Citron events, I found that there seems to be no indication that any of my theory is the case (except for Tangerine’s coronation being set for when he turns 20). For starters in Winter Year 2, Citron says(english server quote): “The date of my coronation has been decided since I was little, so I only had a set time to learn everything.” Which implies that his coronation was never moved, it’s just always been like that. And while personally, I felt Guy’s addition ("as the coronation has drawn closer, odd things have begun happening around Citronia”) made it vague enough that it could’ve been canceled, and pushed back(as we don't know how close "closer" was) but that doesn’t quite seem to be the case. (I guess if it was had instead of has it'd be more plausible to read it vaguely assuming past me copied that down correctly lol)

Then with the addition of the Spotlight event on the Mahjong Club, Citron’s card has him aged as 21. This card contains a flashback of him playing Mahjong and trying to get Guy to play too(if I recall correctly) which means that it is before he left Zafra. Which makes me go “??? Why is Tangerine’s coronation set for when he’s 20 but Citron’s apparently was set for when he was 23?” That just doesn’t really seem… fair(?) you know?

But anyway, failed theory aside, this is why currently I’m believing that Orange is about 20 in year 2.

[owlbeers]

Shadow and Bone season two thoughts

I tweeted a little as I watched, but I realised I wanted to put together my thoughts more longform, so here we go. In general: I liked it still but not as much as S1, I had Thoughts.

Spoilers for all of the season after the read more.

Idk maybe its the fact that they started referencing events from Crooked Kingdom - a source I care about a lot and um more than some of the other books - that I started to get pickier but I did.

To quickly get the Mal, Alina, Darkling, Nikolai plot of it all. I liked all the new casting (Nikolai took a little to grow on me, but Tolya and Tamar were great the whole way through). Generally I was fairly unmoved by it all, but this plot really isn't why I am watching the show. Genya gave me some feelings. Zoe Wannamaker is great. I preferred Ben Barnes' villain moments more in S1 but the end in the desert did make me feel a little bit.

I'll deal with the !!! end separately.

So, the Crows. I wasn't sure what I expected them to do - knowing that they wouldn't do The Ice Court - but idk I was a little surprised they mined Crooked Kingdom the way they did because in my mind it so clearly needs the events of SOC for emotional reasons for CK events to work, but I think they ... sort of pulled it off. Sort of.

I mean, they rushed the fuck out of it. I know they wanted to reunite the plots but I wanted more out of Kaz's revenge and yes we got a lot of investigation of Kaz's trauma but I wanted a bit more set-up for all the Crows. The cane fight was very good though. Freddy was great in the confrontation scene - so good - but I admit I missed the quiet of the book church scene and that only Inej saw it. Inej not being there, it being surrounded by lots of people ... it felt different.

The Kanej: they hinted at book stuff but it all just felt a little watered down. Yes we got the bandages scene but only nods to it because they're not really there yet emotionally, and yes he tried to get her out and got her freedom but I didn't really see the point in having that weird fight in the middle. Yes, he is pushing her away but it just seemed odd. The hallucination scene was feelings-y but kinda confusing in why they had that for Inej, but the recovery form it was nicely done with the softness in Kaz's eyes before the !!! sets in. However the final ep "I will have you without armour" scene was pretty great. And his looks when he saw her walk back with Alina and the sword! I love them.

Wesper: I liked Jack's Wylan from the get go and I thought him and Kit had good chemistry. Even with the plot changes I found them very cute and charming.

Also the bit where Jesper lists off how Kaz couldn't imagine doing this without him, and Kaz said yes all of that - but not the unlimited tab. I love me some Kaz and Jesper friendship.

Nina with the Crows was great. She doesn't take Kaz's bullshit and I loved the "there is five of us" moment at the end.

Matthias: welp sorry Calahan you had shit all to do. I did assume they were gonna get him out this season but uh guess that is for the Ice Court spinoff.

The end: haha they sure changed a lot there. A lot. Are they setting up something for S&B S3 and also SOC?? Now with Dark Alina in charge of Ravka and King of Scars Nikolai stuff?? Mal going away with Tolya, Tamar and Inej?? I liked that Inej is getting a pirate slave hunter moment (but I still need that Kanej boat scene. I need it). I guess they'll find a way to get her back? Will she get caught?? So many questions. So random.

I don't care about Mal x Alina really but uh if I did and that ending happened and I was expecting the R&R ending. Well.

Are they going to do a Tolya and Inej moment? I have mixed feelings.

Anyway in conclusion: I love the Crows! Some things were good! The actors were all great! But eh some choices I'm not sure about it. I need the Ice Court story though. Please Netflix.

Yes I have read book scenes and I might go hunt down some of my Kanej fic faves ...

[zaptap]

i absolutely think we're due for unova remakes very soon, likely as the next game, but idk if they'll announce them before sv dlc is out of the way. seems like more of a pokemon day "this is what we're throwing out there this year" thing

seen people clinging to the idea that they do remakes every other gen but, so far, ALL first-time remakes (i.e. not lgpe) have happened 2 hardware generations after the originals

gb (rgby) to gba (frlg)

gbc (gsc) to ds (hgss)

gba (rse) to 3ds (oras)

ds (dpp and bwbw2) to switch (bdsp.... and _b_w?)

the ds was just when they started cramming 2 pokemon gens into one hardware gen so now that we're getting into ds remakes they'll probably happen every pokemon gen now

and if they continue having ilca or whoever churn out unambitious remakes then maybe game freak will keep putting legends games out around the same time.

arceus felt to me like it had pieces of what we've come to expect from pokemon remakes--the new stuff--so i think of it as being in a remake-adjacent category i'm calling a "reimagining." meanwhile bdsp avoided having much new stuff and instead provided an overly faithful recreation of the original games with graphical upgrades and gameplay modernizations and little else

are they going to do another ilca remake paired with a legends game? maybe. since legends was kind of an experiment, and succeeded, maybe they could try to work some elements into the actual remake this time. also after how glitchy bdsp was (more specifically, all the weird stuff they had to do with home compatibility to stop those Evil Cheaters) maybe they won't trust ilca with that again. or maybe they'll give them another chance, since game freak started out with a glitch-filled game too and maybe they've learned? idk

and what about bw2? so far they've been able to put things into the remakes to reflect things from the third versions (though bdsp really could've had a lot more from platinum) but how do you do an entire extra story with different protagonists and a 2 year time skip? they can't get away with just giving us bw2 outfits. $60 absolutely should cover both bw and bw2 in one, but i kind of doubt they'll do it. dlc maybe i guess? though that was a popular theory for platinum in bdsp that went nowhere, so who knows

alternatively i suppose they could release a bw remake as a single game and bw2 as another (remember how bdsp was found to be the same rom, just with a marker that determined the version? it would kind of make sense to do) but also that's kind of insane because you've never been expected to buy both games before, but in this scenario you'd have to to get the full experience. evil. too evil for tpci i think, but i suppose they could always get worse. i guess in that sense having a dual release of b+b2/w+w2 seems a bit more likely, dlc or not? if they don't almost entirely ignore bw2, that is

either way, i'm expecting unova soon. one week before black friday 2024 if tpci keeps insisting on their blatantly money-hungry release schedule they've been sticking pretty closely to for almost a decade now. would prefer they take more time, but i don't expect them to

........wait. i forgot. it actually might be johto's turn next. hgss is older than gen v, after all. whether that's going to be something with pokemon go elements mixed in again (isn't that game kind of on a decline now? idk) or something different, they might do something

so i guess 2024 johto, 2025 unova? wow idk. who give a shit tbh. point is both are probably somewhere on the horizon (though, unova is more certain i'd say since lgpe is just one game so we have no idea what kind of pattern those second-round remakes might take. maybe it was just a one-off)

anyway i've been wanting to replay gen v more and more for the past couple years but i haven't been able to make time for it yet. odds are i won't until at least when the remakes are coming. i replayed platinum shortly before bdsp released (actually started a couple months before it was announced...) and that was a mistake. bdsp was ok (though bad by pokemon standards) but it felt like playing the same game back to back except worse (very different from when i played ruby before oras, and yellow before lgpe). don't want to do that again so i guess i'll wait at this point

[castlebyersafterdark]

visited lpsg to see and on the one hand felt like i dont belong on that part of the internet, deeply uncomfortable, and on the other, what is it except people admiring another person? like, we initially find desire to be kinda pervy and voyeuristic and all that, but actually what harm is happening than people expressing this super natural instinct and appreciating another's form? idk. maybe its seen as sad because of the taboo of loneliness and aloneness. like having sex with a partner is all dandy and fine, cos its shared and youre not alone. but admiring from afar is seen in society as lonely, sad, pathetic etc. which is odd cos everyone does it at some point. at many points.

I get you, I totally get you. It's definitely a place of a certain flavor - though there are many places like that online. I'm mostly unphased, though certain things make me cringe or feel the audacity to be ashamed a little diving too deep there. But - that's sex and sexuality, isn't it? The age old dilemma. Owning your desire and repulsion and discerning between the two extremes and how they're both very human and both very wrapped up in each other. You've hit on something very true that I've talked about before.

what is it except people admiring another person? like, we initially find desire to be kinda pervy and voyeuristic and all that, but actually what harm is happening than people expressing this super natural instinct and appreciating another's form?

Yes! And there are so many levels and types of attraction and ways we express things - and many shades of gray. A forum like that is shades of gray but in a slightly similar way that sitting around with a group of friends laughing about crushes and sex lives can be shades of gray. You might be like - no, it's totally not? Vinny, you're full of shit and. Maybe. Kinda. It's the internet factor. The internet is forever!! It's in print. It's accessible. And the famous? They're just people. Highly accessible and public people, who can more easily search their name. Some make the argument that since everything is public, forums like that and conversation like that shouldn't happen. Blogs like mine shouldn't exist. It's all... gray. I do agree. But I also agree with it being very human and it's just - you can't stop your brain. How are you dealing with it? We live online now. People are gonna talk and gossip and very often, it's gonna get weird and sexual and a little iffy. Truth.

A stupid prn-centered forum. A silly fandom blog where we discuss a more light-hearted version of these ideas at times. Who's to say what's right and wrong? Whether I post about it on the internet or not, I'm thinking about hot guys and I'm thinking about their bodies and thinking of different guys in sexual situation. Because that's what I'm into and I'm going to think about it. Lots of people agree!! This is human nature!! How do you react and interact with real people to them directly? We're a social species, we're a sex driven species. Not everyone, but a lot. I think sitting around typing goofy horny nonsense isn't the end of the world.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary394

10/20-21/24

sunday - monday

finished a strange drawing, today:

there was a mistake with the pattern fill, it's in some of the black zones... but it looks kinda good actually. maybe i should experiment with that some more. super thin lines in a little area with some extra color on them, just to make stuff look a little more textured, i like how it makes it look like she has pinkeye or something.

the idea for this one is maybe strange, i just though about some lolita girl having this thing erupt from her (in all honesty, for some reason it came to me as prolapse, which is gross but i suppose that is the point), and overtaking her, and her sort of candy affectations inflicting a kind of suffering, the matted hair w/ candy all in it, finger wrapped in hair, kind of like, inescapable as an image of something, forced into submission i suppose, swallowing an idea of being something, and then defensively using it until it spirals out.

here's a good song:

very hypnotic riffing, very weird stuff here. italian screamo's always strange. creative people, lots of the time.

i continue to struggle to get back to fear and hunger termina to try and do ending b... i get too sad thinking about killing everyone, last time i tried, i just started saying 'i can't' out loud to myself over and over and then closing the game. i at least got moonscorched marcoh... very sad that happened to him. it's not just his guilt, it also feels like he went mad in an effort to protect tanaka from that fate, which would come to him if he were alone, i'm pretty sure. those apartments are so crazy. i really love them, that's where i knew the game was truly truly special, which is crazy. i love the game so much... it makes me want to do a favorites of all time thing, but it's not like... well idk, they're just very obvious. honestly.

humm, what else. i've been watching a playthrough of sh2, it's been pretty strange to see how not awful awful it is, but it's definitely not great. the way the areas are designed, it seem aggravating, on top of that, there's too much combat that plays like, it seems honestly like the original plays better in that you aren't really paying attention to combat ever, you're like, seeing these odd and unpleasant things show up, and you wander past them, sometimes you fuck up, and they make things a little harder, sometimes you hit them with a pipe for a couple seconds, sometimes you run past and then get into an empty room, and then have to leave and run past again. in most ways, fear and hunger takes this in an actual constructive direction because making horror games turn based is really really good i think. but, either way, the original flow was fine, you were more immersed in a place, and the camera let you absorb that place better. fixed cameras really help so much. i dunno why people only use them in a retro way, when they're actually like, almost like, the most profoundly useful thing you can do to highlight an area / make it feel like something i think. that and pixel art... idk,,, those lately have felt more capable than much else.

the voice acting isn't so bad though, it's okay the direction they took, sad it's not so lynchian but really most of the game is not, now.

i need to sleep, i'm gonna see my friend tuesday, so i need to be normal again,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!