#so idk how i think im gonna be able to handle a job

[skrunksthatwunk]

actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.

he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.

a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).

but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.

and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.

he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.

and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal

[nomairuins]

anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day

[phagodyke]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[north-wilkesboro-moonshine-cave]

not to be a colossal fucking cowabummer about everything but it really does suck that like. my really chill and like. supposedly more realistic type of career goal feels about as unattainable as like a kid saying he wants to be a singer or something

[nottsangel]

LMAO !! what about the people calling you out for ignoring them? or how u get all pissy when people get irritated at the fact fake characters take over the entire hp fandom. you actually seem like such a manipulative bitch and the signs are SO clear 😭🙏 if they aren’t your muts u don’t care about them, like brotha eughh

girl… i have said so many times that its literally impossible for me to answer all my asks and i’ve been prioritising my mental health cause i constantly feel really guilty for not being able to answer all my asks since they’re just too much for me to handle. cause idk if you realise, but this is just a hobby for me and i have a life outside of tumblr too! this is NOT my job! and it shouldn’t feel like a job!

and me sharing my opinion and standing up for other writers is me getting ‘all pissy’? oh come on now… what are you doing on the internet if you can’t handle opinions

anyway, like i said, if you think im a manipulative bitch, great for you !!!!! thats your problem !!!! like what makes you think i even give a fuck ??? im just here to have fun and chat with other people and write about things that i like and im not gonna let you ruin that so instead of wasting your own time, i suggest you unfollow me

oh my god . while typing this i realised you’re such a fucking dumbass cause i literally know who you are since you lack the brain cells to properly think things through anyway have a nice day and stop stalking me with both your accounts tyvm

[papakhan]

Lol why would someone even say that. Like... idk im transmasc im personally mortified of the idea of getting pregnant but... its none of my business if another man wants to be pregnant why would there be any judgement there 😭😭😭 plus the post was very funny people need to stop projecting over a sillay little post. Have a good night king the haters dont get it

the thing is I totally understand trans guys being uncomfortable with the concept of (trans) men getting pregnant. In our society its a very gendered concept, it gets fetishised by weirdos online all the time and to a lot of (especially queer) afab people its strongly associated with control and abuse. I totally get it. That was me not so long ago but after a lot of research I became more comfortable with it because I want to have children one day. I shouldn't have to expose this part of myself as a defence against people calling me transphobic when I am literally trans and half the fight for trans people is "my body my choice"

what gets me is that the tumblr fallout community gets in this fucking argument allll the fucking time over whether the fallout universe should be "dark and gritty and ~realistic~" in regards to Everyone being transphobic Or if the wasteland should be some kind of trans haven without the binds of society. I personally lean on the latter and get a lot of comfort out of the idea that the Great Khans specifically are a bastion of trans joy and experience and to them women having dicks and men giving birth is just. normal.

the end goal for trans people should be to de-gender concepts like pregnancy and penis but we're never gonna fucking get anywhere if trans people project their dysphoria onto each other and start self-flagellating themselves whenever someone steps out of line or makes a stupid joke.

And yeah this is an overreaction to someone critising a stupid post of mine but I'm more mad at the wider culture of the fallout community (and tumblr) regarding this topic because like I said shit like this keeps happening. part of my job is about educating people about trans bodies and saying shit like "don't assume who can and can't get pregnant" and trying to help fellow trans people find comfort in a country that's actively trying to get them all murdered. To then log onto tumblr dot com and get called transphobic because I said I love headcanoning Papa as trans and him being able to deflect the Legion's misogyny because of his transness is like a slap to the face. you guys are meant to be the transgender love website what the fuck are you talking about?? Also Saying that I'm enabling transphobia by allowing people who arent trans men to reblog my post is also stupid and for the record most people in my notes right now are either trans people who are genuinely agreeing that Papa is trans or ghost fans who think I'm talking about their band (but are still trans and still agreeing).

sure maybe I should have put a trigger warning on the post or something because it might trigger someone's dyphoria, but just say that. Don't act like I'm the problem and that I'm too stupid to recognise internalised transphobia and calling me "too comfortable with joking about trans bodies" when 1. I wasn't joking About trans bodies and 2. ITS MY FUCKING BODY

My joke was about how Caesar cant handle Papa being trans. it was a joke about how society cant handle trans people who they can't clock. it was also a joke about how Papa comes from a society where transness is so normalised that he wrongfully assumes that its something everyone can do. At no point was I "nasty about trans bodies" like this person claims I was. In fact I think that pretending that I was says more about how they view trans bodies than it does about how I do, That I can mention trans pregnancy and they automatically assume I'm fetishing or being disrespectful.

anyway. that's a lot of shit. thanks for letting me ramble and tucking me into bed so sweetly <3

[cocozydiaries]

Can you tell me more about your mha dr please?

HIII tysm for the ask!!

noticed two mha related asks really close to each other? anon are you the same person twice🤨

okay okay if ur not new here u probably know i did post about my mha dr before BUT THAT POST WAS AWFUL so now it’s deleted and gone. sorry😞

Honestly with my updated version i’ve just kept most things kinda vague. Don’t get me wrong I love scripting, but i don’t do it that much anymore coz now i just let my subconscious handle it so my scripts are kinda empty.

I do still script, just less but dw i’ll share what i have!! I love over sharing🫶

be warned this is unorganised asf since i wrote it all at like 2am😭

My dr name (spoiler alert i don’t have one):

even tho i think names are very important I haven’t picked a name for myself in any of my drs💀. Partly coz I wanna be surprised but also partly coz just coz i’m lazy.

I did however script that my name suits me and has a nice meaning. I also scripted that my siblings and i all have the same first letter of our names (smth we have here!) but my parents also have different names for each of us, like a sorta nickname (mine is yara coz i have a love/hate relationship with butterflies)

Onto actual stuff related to my mha dr. Also probably the only thing you really care about smh. yeah ik your intentions anon🙄

Quirks!!

soooo basically quirk basically siren/mermaid irl?? tbh idk but the main thing (aside from occasionally cosplaying as ariel) i’m basically able to shape and manipulate water. Very korra coded of me ik but she has always been my favourite.

Me, some of my siblings, and parents mostly have different quirks tho due to that fact that my parents adopted us. That’s a whole different thing tho we can get into later.

I haven’t scripted my family’s quirks because again lazy asf and wanna be surprised. I’m assuming based on their jobs they’re gonna have either powerful or really useful quirks anyhow. Just makes sense

Anywhooo onto actual mha stuff like

UA:

Idk if i’m gonna get in lmao💀 all i scripted is IF i do i’ll end up in class 1A. I did that coz i wanna know if i can get into class UA without scripting it. I mean ik i will but idk funsies ig.

I also changed the uniform coz it’s ugly asf. Honestly i just think dark blue would’ve been so much better than that vomit izuku inspired green.

i also scripted that midnight and mineta are actually chill and normal people. IM SORRY GUYS💔 but mineta is lowkey funny when he isn’t a creep and midnight is so extra i love her. i just don’t like when they’re…. icky. so i scripted that out!

and i scripted that toru gets a proper hero outfit kinda similar to mirio’s thing. makes absolutely NO sense that his hero outfit was made to adapt to his quirk but they leave my girl to freeze? nuh uh

i’ve actually scripted quite a few minor difference or things i want to happen. let me know if that’s smth you guys are interested in!!

Anyways that’s kinda it coz idk what to say… I need y’all to ask me specific questions PLS😭 i suck at answering vague stuff💔

EXAMPLE: “coco” (or yara since you lot did technically unlock a new name) “exactly what are you gonna do when you wake up in ur dr at 5:21am because you heard one of ur rat siblings cluttering around outside ur door while getting ready for school.”

how i’m feeling after checking what other people’s dr intros look like and realising i was only meant to write a couple of sentences and not explain why i picked each thing i scripted for my dr in a stupid amount of detail: 😐

i can drive in my dr btw!! can’t do that here tho. thought you should know. IDK HOW TO

[lostfracturess]

nici i’ll have u know i just took two shots of tequila in preparation for this chapter 🤣🤣 and it’s close to 1pm on a tuesday

ALSO I CANT BELIEVE S&C IS OVER 100k NOW THANK U FOR THE NEVER ENDING FEAST QUEEN

“how can u stay so calm?” “drugs, sweetheart. it’s the drugs.”

i cackled so fkn hard 🤣

"Tell me," he whispered, his breath a warm caress against your ear. "Where would you want him to touch you?"

IM CHEWING MY MF KNUCKLES I NEED THIS MAN (or both men) IN MY BED IMMEDIATELY

Geto stripped the rain from his hair, then twisted the dark strands into a fresh bun. His eyes flickered between you and Satoru, a single raised eyebrow his only question. You wouldn't meet his gaze, the floor suddenly fascinating. 

stoppppp okay first of all the writing is eating so hard idk how but w every chapter i just fall more n more in love w the way u write 😭 BUT ALSO DON’t GIMME THE IMAGE OF A RAIN SOAKED GETO or else something ELSE is gonna be soaked out here🧍🏻‍♀️

ok i have to stop quoting every other line lmaooo

"Just so we're clear," Satoru's voice suddenly cut through the quiet, "I don't share. Not you."

PLS I KNOW I SAID I WLD STOP QUOTING EVERY OTHER LINE BUT THIS WAS THE NEXT LINE AND IM SCREAMING this is not fun to read while i’m in my fertile window

sighhh the conversation ab the 37 y/o pt passing n how he’s just a statistic now 😭 so heartbreaking yet realistically put

im loving the daddy dom energy satoru is exuding in this chapter i just love when usually flirty/amused men lock tf in when things get serious lol it’s so hot. also so sweet how all he’s concerned ab is her reputation & career ahead

“A familiar ache rose in your chest. You longed to reach out, to bridge the chasm he insisted on maintaining. But his posture, rigid as stone, and his clenched jaw, sent a silent warning. This was his battle, one he'd fight in isolation—as always.”

ughh i feel like this perfectly sums up their dynamic. also if s&c was a paperback book this wld 100% be a quote that readers wld highlight on the page n crop to post on pinterest lmaooo it’s so good

“He was falling apart. But all you could do was watch.”

🥲 pls. stopp im so fragile rn.

NOOOOO NOT SUKUNA BOOO BOOOOOO 🍅 🍅 GIMME FIVE MINS IN A ROOM W HIM RN 💥👊🏼

i have sm anxiety over this ethics hearing my palms r actually sweaty. its like i’m THERE rn.

wait nici can u explain again sukuna’s want for revenge towards gojo n wanting to tear him/reader down 😭 was it like the jealousy that he wasn’t able to become a successful surgeon like gojo n had to settle on educational matters instead? :”) im dumb sry. ik he’s the root of gojo’s addiction but i think i might be missing something here lol. or do we not know yet

ok i still hate sukuna’s guts but there is partial truth to what hes saying🧍🏻‍♀️not saying reader isn’t brilliant n talented in her own right, but for sure, satoru’s attraction to her has given her opportunities that other qualified students were potentially robbed of (we live in a society lol). but idk how exactly she ranks among her peers, so maybe she rly was the best student for the job, but that’s all very subjective

"Because you would do the same," you finally managed, the words scraped raw from your throat. "You would stay. You wouldn't leave me."

ok “why do you even stay?” sent a chill down my spine but THISSS. im gaspeddd :””(( reader loves him sm and if her commitment to not letting him take all the blame isnt evident enough, her sticking w him thru his drug addiction is truly a type of devotion that comes from a purest point of love

“You—you make me feel things I've spent a lifetime avoiding, things I don't know how to handle. It scares the hell out of me."

ouchhhh 😭 ok but i feel him on this. that avoidant attachment be hittin againnn lmao me n him are so same

"You don't need to deserve me, Satoru. Love isn't about deserving. It's about choosing each other, again and again, no matter what. And I choose you.”

CRYINGG YES 😭😭😭💕💕💕 this healed a part of me ngl

"If you don't come down in the next few minutes, you're the one getting folded, first-year."

WHY IS HE ALL OF A SSUDEN MR FUNNY MAN NOW PLSSSKDJDJD their chemistry this chap is off the charts

FFFFFUCKKK MEEE JUNKYARD BOY CHOSO!!!!????? I BET HE SMELLS LIKE GREASE N SWEAT N SOMEONE I WANNA FUCK. omg he called me pretty company 🤭🤭 bye dr gojo im all about them blue collars im sorry 😔🤚🏼

"I love you, first-year. Damn it, I love you. I don't care how complicated this gets, I want you."

god pls 🧎🏻‍♀️ if i’ve done anything good in life, then just give me this man

OMGGG HES GONNA FUCK US OVER THE HOOD OF A CAR ?!??!!?

"You give in too easily." A teasing smile played on his lips. "You don't really want me to fuck you on this hood, right?"

😐😐 this isn’t funny. im not laughing rn. i will not stand this sort of edging. gimme dick NOW

omg🧍🏻‍♀️ive no words to say about that smut. delicious, devious, dampening. he is my every fantasy and i desire him. i desire him so deeply

aaa he hurt her in his sleeeeppp 😭😭 for a man that cares so deeply like him that mustve really fucked w him. also this is so random and must be my daddy issues speaking lmao but satoru (minus his addiction) wld be such a good family man🧍🏻‍♀️the way he loves is sooo providing and stubborn to a fault but almost in a way that’s kind of grounding lol bc i feel like he’s almost always, at the end of the day, right about everything? haha i cld be proven so wrong ab this but i just had to share the thought

mannn im on the second court hearing n im just SO damn curious what is going thru satoru’s head rn 😭 it seems like something switched in there somehow, his demeanor is so different

him actinf so calm rn is scarinf the shit ourta me im ngl🧍🏻‍♀️like bb ur scaring me. PKS IN SO SCARED WHY IS HE SUDDNELY TELLINF US HE LOVES US

ah. and there it is. satoru’s impending fall from grace. i saw it coming from a mile away and that he wld do something like this, but fuck. the way it was written. i thought it would be something that came a place of more heightened emotions from him, something desperate to protect (kinda like in the first hearing). but THIS….so calm, collected, so sure of his love for reading that he’s willing to let go of almost everything that has given him purpose in life up until this point. it aches.

:( im heartbroken rn. amazing chapter 😭💕 thank u sm for writinf it, oh my gosh, jusf amazing

i need more tequila

giiirl!!! not the tequila ahhhhh 😭😭 that brings back bad memories omg.

& yes the story is over 100k already and still no end in sight. i never thought i would write so much lol. but also i'm already so sad when the story will eventually someday end. like i never want to not write about my unhinged neurosurgeon gojo help.

stoppppp okay first of all the writing is eating so hard idk how but w every chapter i just fall more n more in love w the way u write

thank you so so much!! that's such a big compliment coming from a fellow author <3

BUT ALSO DON’t GIMME THE IMAGE OF A RAIN SOAKED GETO or else something ELSE is gonna be soaked out here🧍🏻‍♀️

GIRL 😂 I'M SORRY.

i have sm anxiety over this ethics hearing my palms r actually sweaty. its like i’m THERE rn.

so glad the angst transpires well in this chapter!!!

wait nici can u explain again sukuna’s want for revenge towards gojo n wanting to tear him/reader down

so first: sukuna is an asshole.

second: sukuna is an asshole.

third: SUKUNA IS AN ASSHOLE.

no seriously, how i portray him is like a very power driven man, that thrives on the misery of others. moreover satoru being his lifelong rival and sukuna finally getting a change to push him of his throne is just something he wouldn't let slip through his fingers. so it's really all about power and control on sukuna's side.

also satoru's states in that chapter that he did something stupid in his past that sukuna is still mad about. feel free to speculate, given satoru's past 😂

ok i still hate sukuna’s guts but there is partial truth to what hes saying

yes it is!! satoru really has just eyes for yn and is defensively letting other students down in the process. this just adds to the overall mess their relationship is.

ok “why do you even stay?” sent a chill down my spine but THISSS.

hmmmmmm ahhhhhhh SO HAPPY that these lines landed well <333 love them!! they are so messy and raw ahhhhh

WHY IS HE ALL OF A SSUDEN MR FUNNY MAN NOW PLSSSKDJDJD their chemistry this chap is off the charts

he had a little bit of drugs and was all happy again lol.

FFFFFUCKKK MEEE JUNKYARD BOY CHOSO!!!!????? I BET HE SMELLS LIKE GREASE N SWEAT N SOMEONE I WANNA FUCK.

i was wondering, if i should just do a random character or one of the jjk cast and choso just came into mind at first. idk why but i think it fits ahaha.

omg🧍🏻‍♀️ive no words to say about that smut. delicious, devious, dampening. he is my every fantasy and i desire him. i desire him so deeply

here to serve!! so glad you liked the spicy scene. they are always a pain in the ass to write.

aaa he hurt her in his sleeeeppp 😭😭 for a man that cares so deeply like him that mustve really fucked w him.

YES!!! you're the first to comment on that!!! also thought that this is so so so SO BAD for him. like he would never (physically) hurt her and doing it unintentionally in his sleep??? EVEN WORSE. poor boy must have felt so miserable and angry at himself after.

the way he loves is sooo providing and stubborn to a fault but almost in a way that’s kind of grounding lol

honestly, love your observation about the potential family man side of satoru! his love IS fierce, demanding, and sometimes overbearing, but at its core, it's deeply protective, and i think you're spot on about that being grounding.

but THIS….so calm, collected, so sure of his love for reading that he’s willing to let go of almost everything that has given him purpose in life up until this point. it aches.

so happy satoru's fall from grace hit well!! wanted that choice of his to feel both shocking and inevitable. not a desperate outburst, but this chillingly calculated decision, born out of love. it just hurts so good!

thank you so so much for your lovely reactions to the chapter ellie, as always!! it means the world. also give me some of the tequila lol. sending you kisses and hugs ♡

[hella1975]

my favourite ways of handling rude customers that wont actually get me fired but are still satisfying:

if they complain i love just really enthusiastically agreeing with them. like i pretend we're having a bitching session they're like 'the food was cold we waited for ages i HATED the meal' yadda yadda and i just nod along like 'omg that's awful no fr exactly im saying like' and more often than not they tire themselves out bc they're waiting on me to be like 'this is what im going to do to fix that/compensate you' and i just dont LMAO

just good old-fashioned harrassment. if you're on my shit list as a customer then that's it you're gonna get used to me. im checking your table every fifteen minutes. im forcing you into conversation. im waiting for you to bite into your food before i come over. im going to be so fucking annoying and you wont really be able to do anything bc technically im doing my job and who would use THIS of all things as psychological warfare... right?

for the super rude and demanding customers that are REALLY on a roll, i let them get a couple sentences out and then i just. cut them off. and really sweetly go 'oh im so sorry could you repeat that i didn't catch it'. it's insane how much something so simple can throw off their whole rhythm like it forces them to stop and think about what they're saying. doesn't always work but it at least slows them down

this one took me a while to start doing bc i dont actually have the authority for this BUT THE CUSTOMER DOESNT KNOW THAT. so if they complain about a specific past incident (e.g 'a girl served me last time and she was SO rude') i'll get very serious like 'what was her name?' and they're like 'what' bc NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN these people are just miserable and want to complain purely for the sake of complaining and kicking down, they dont actually want the confrontation. so i just stay very stoic like 'we pride ourselves on our service here and matters like this are handled very seriously. i could get a manager for you to talk to...?' they almost always want to drop it and i'll usually keep pushing it anyway just bc it's so funny watching them squirm when only 2 mins ago they were acting all high and mighty trying to make me uncomfortable over something ENTIRELY OUT OF MY CONTROL. ive only used this trick a couple times with customers i can tell OFF THE BAT are going to be wankers but not a single one of them have taken it further and it tends to placate them for the rest of the meal too bc idk they realise you're an actual human being with autonomy and not just a punching bag for light entertainment i guess

just a general statement here: if you're rude then im going to assume you'll find something to complain about either way. like the logic that 'the more i chuck myself around the better the service will be' is soooo flawed imo bc all it makes me do is figure i might as well make your experience bad on MY grounds instead of yours. im going to hold your food back. im not going to care about keeping your drinks topped up. is it good standard for a waitress? no it is not. but my other alternative is going down for battery and id rather keep the job on thin ice than lose it entirely

this isnt something ive done but my mum once had a really rude customer and she worked at a proper fancy place where the customers all wore suits and ball dresses, and she decided she was sick of this woman so when she was pouring her BOILING HOT gravy for her - mad that there are places where the staff pour your fucking gravy? - my mum 'accidentally' spilled it on her lap LMFAO

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[coccyodynia]

things:

i went home the other weekend and didn’t steal any pills, as much as i thought about it, so thats kind of cool i guess

i got a very fun and cool tattoo yesterday, its a woman swinging an axe with that line i wrote a few years ago - “i swing and i dont miss”

i am seeing a The Plot In You tonight with justin

we’re planning on hanging out before the show too but the weather is gonna be shitty so who knows, he’ll probably flake out at this point

we’re also planning on going to chicago in a month but im concerned i wont be able to afford it idk. i just stashed away $250 for it but i wouldn’t be surprised if i had to dip into that before then

we’re on okay terms right now. its been a huge rollercoaster as usual but he still wants to keep me around in some type of way i guess bc he’ll respond or say shit like ‘i’m always here for you’

ive been dissociating a lot still but im practicing the skills to get a handle on it

ive officially stopped caring about anything at my job, i just dont give a fuck at all anymore

if i start caring again it will probably kill me, at least considering the rate we were going before 

i had a friend OD twice in the last week or so and im literally just bracing myself to lose another person to fent

its been almost a year without michael now and im still really heartbroken about

i can tell ive started letting my apartment/kitchen get bad again and it’s upsetting me but i feel paralyzed about it

one of my best friends is having a really tough time too and we keep messaging each other little check-ins even though neither of us have the capacity to really support or help the other person in any meaningful way

ive just been way too tapped out lately, and it has been affecting my health for quite awhile

my weight seems to be stable now or at least kinda, i lost 50 lbs and last week for the first time in awhile it didn’t go down when i got on the scale

my parents and grandma all made comments about how they can tell ive lost a lot of weight since i saw them last (6 weeks or so ago?)

my mom has been telling me “youre not eating enough calories” which i think gave me whiplash considering up until now my entire life shes been insistent that i eat too much

my financial situation is really about to get fucked up since im not teaching this summer, so i will lose that income for a few months ($800/month)

im pretty nervous they wont ask me back to teach in the fall bc the head of the department doesnt really like me

i got great evaluations from my students tho! at the end of the semester, two of my students asked if i would be comfortable with giving them a hug and i got emotional

i helped one of my students get into their first gallery show in NY and im just so fucking proud and excited for them

another student had made me a little embroidered camera patch for my bag 

im still very much thinking about applying to graduate/phd programs in the fall

there’s about 5 programs im interested in, but none of them are local so i’d have to move pretty far if i were accepted

im going to re-apply to university of denver for the MA emergent digital practices program

i applied to there in 2021 and was accepted but i wasn’t offered enough financial aid since i applied after the priority deadline so i’ll try it this fall and see what happens

im still dreaming about going to Brown for their digital writing/cross-disciplinary writing and art MFA but it's such a pipe dream

i also found a fascinating phd program at duke but they're not accepting applications this year?

i want to write and photograph more but by the end of the day i am so incredibly burnt out that it seems more like a chore than an outlet

i really wish there was a way for me to just quit my job and take some time off before going into another job

anyway therapy is back to once a week and sometimes 2x a week just depending on how well i handle things

my mom is still being the worst person ive ever met and im really trying to disconnect from her/the family as much as i can

she just spent $500 on a plane ticket so she can go spend a week with the guy she was engaged to in college

she sucks so much and i hate her 

anyway that’s all

[ginalinettiofficial]

did those earbud things you were talking about a while back arrive?

YES omg

i’m gonna answer this publicly in case anyone else cares

but so a while back i ordered the Loop Engage earplugs, to try and help w over stimulation issues i get with crowds/parties

and let me tell you they WORK!!!!!

they are not perfect. they are still earplugs, and as such, they have drawbacks - namely that they amplify your own voice and sounds a LOT, so eating with them in is Bad and it’s hard to moderate my own speaking volume when they’re in. and they’re not a magical fix all for overstimulation.

that said - i fucking love them. they’re seriously SO helpful to me. i wear them usually in group settings - family parties, restaurants, etc - when i want to participate but the amount of noise and chatter happening grates on me and makes it difficult for me to both concentrate on any one thing and to maintain my composure when it feels like i’m being inundated with sound.

i got mine right before the winter holidays, so i’ve been able to use them a LOT since. i’ve learned that, for me personally, they don’t entirely /stop/ me from becoming overstimulated or reaching my quota for how much of a party/noisy gathering i can handle, but they DO greatly extend the amount of time i’m able stay at a function before it becomes an issue. i’ve also found that sometimes if i start a function without them, and later find myself getting overstimulated and remember to put them in, i’m able to last at least a couple more hours without full stop hitting my wall.

my family are party people, who love to get together in one house and yell across tables at one another. usually, i’m able to handle this for anywhere from 1-3 hours before it becomes unbearable to me and i need to escape. when i wear my loop engages, i’ve found that time is extended to an average of 2-3 hours longer on either end of the spectrum: i can last for 3-6 hours with them in, which is a huge improvement for me. it’s doesn’t get me through the entire party (my family notoriously spends 8-12 hours doing this stuff 😅) but i can go a LOT longer than i used to without needing to tap out to recharge.

i also order their basic earplugs (the loop quiet) and their concert ones (the loop experience). the quiets are cute but nothing super special - they get the job done, about as well as any other earplugs. i bring them with me around as well and when i need to tap out or take a break from a gathering, usually i’ll switch out my engages for quiets for 10-15 minutes to try and be mainly sound-free and get myself back to more of a level. i’ve only had one opportunity to use the experiences - they worked great in that i wasn’t overstimulated or overwhelmed by the noise of the concert i was at, but i struggled to hear things my companions were saying when i had them in, which could be isolating if you go to concerts as a social experience.

anyways i’m not a brand ambassador for these things but i really do love my loop engages.

i will say that they’re advertised as also helping with noise from kids and personally i’ve found that they’re not super useful in that regard - i tend to have a harder time hearing children and toddlers when i’m wearing them than adults, i think because their voices tend to be softer and higher pitched and maybe they’re on a wavelength that’s being dampened? idk. i don’t wear them at work because i wouldn’t want to miss something one of my kids is saying, and if im talking to baby cousins at a party, i need to pop them out in order to hear them.

[xwendigox]

Wendigo News

Heys guys! Really sorry for the inactivity. A lot of health stuff going on.

Finally went to an orthodontist because I can actually afford it with my insurance through my job. Told me my jaw and all are gonna be one of their more difficult cases but it’s fixable. 2 years in braces. 🫠 Totally not a confidence sinker. But at least I can say good bye to jaw pain and lockjaw and hello gorgeous confidence boosting smile!

Had my monthly visit to my psychologist. She literally like a mom to me. Since my biological parents neglected me and left me for dead and then my adoptive parents abused me for 15 & 1/2 years until I finally ran away. My “new” family, I ran away to live with my friend who helped me, are amazing. Consider me own of their own. 😭 💕

Back onto the topic lol. We were just chatting about a visit I had with my adopters (I don’t call them my parents. You lose your title as a parent the second you harm a child, in my eyes at least. The wife was the main abuser. The dad just stood by and let it happen because the wife would turn on him if he did). I’m still in contact with them because my biological brother is still with them. He was too young for me to be able to safely and legally run away with him. He wasn’t a legal adult at the time.

I ended up just like spewing out like all these stories of the things she used to do to us that I thought was normal. Some, obviously I knew was abuse. Other were more covert. Like less obvious. And I was telling her how like the first 6 months in my new family just fucked me up mentally so hard. Because the dynamic was SO DIFFERENT. Like sure, there were arguments and all, but they were still respectful. There was no name calling. No degradation. No manipulation. None of that. All the things I was used weren’t happening. It was a complete and utter culture shock. Which is how I came onto just spewing out all these stories.

Fast forward to afterwards, my psychologist just sat there in silence for a good minute or two. Then she was like, “That’s not crazy. That just plain cruel and sadistic. The shit they did to you is fucked up and heart breaking. That shit fucks you up bad.” And like I couldn’t help but laugh. Idk. Laughing about it kinda like helps me disconnect from the trauma. It hurts just thinking about it. Y’a know? But she ended up asking me if I have a therapist. I told her no, because with Covid, everyone got booked. And then finding a good one is hard too. So, she told me, “Don’t worry about. I’m going to find you a therapist, and a good one. You need to talk that shit out. Get that shit out of your system.”

Since talking about that I’ve kinda been out of it. Like I knew what they did was bad, but like hearing and seeing my doctor’s reaction when she’s probably dealt with hundreds of patience like this kinda puts it into perspective. Y’a know? So, I’m trying. I’m not spiraling. Just kinda trying to process it all I guess.

Sorry for ranting. I know some of you are gonna be like, “Wendigo, like why are you saying all this?” Like I know some won’t care. That’s fine. I just know that maybe someone out there will read this and be like “I’m not alone.” Kinda thing. And just knowing that, helps things feel more bearable. Yes this shit is hard to read an all. But I’m not going just be silent about it. That’s what they want you to do. Im going to talk about it. Make people aware. When you live through a situation like this, you quickly become a specialist lol 😂 like I’m constantly studying and learning about my diagnosis. About my CPTSD, and how its the parent of my bipolar disorder, about my autoimmune disorder, etc. You have to be because you’re going to be living with this for the rest of your life.

You don’t “get over it”. Your body holds memories. It’s why you flinch at anything. It’s why you feel constantly alert. Even if YOU do NOT remember, your body does and reacts accordingly. Shit doesn’t disappear. You just learn how to handle and live with it better. I’m not trying to sound depressing. It’s just what I’ve learned.

So if anyone ever needs to rant, ask questions, or just talk to someone to get shit off your chest, IM HERE. My messages are ALWAYS open to you. It’s a safe place here.

[zzencat]

hiii my big 3 are aries sun, gemini moon and gemini rising

emoji: 🌼

questions:

1. career advice?

2. what's next in my love life?

3. how do i stop being stuck in life?

-from qb💕

qb!!! welcome to the game fam i hope you’re ready for the heat, bc it’s gonna be heavy.

so you’re either really talkative to a fault or you have an issue with sharing your ideas or expressing yourself. whatever it is, the main concern is the way you communicate and how it ends up being received. maybe you’re a fast thinker. maybe your thinking is all over the place. i recommend that you take a little chill pill and work on listening skills and effective communication. if not, this will lead to further losses down the line, including love life. also, idk if you come off as deceptive or gossipy, maybe even two-faced but that needs some working on. you also seem like you struggle with having empathy or connecting with emotions, whether your own or other people. you could have a feminine figure in your life, either trying to help you or someone who makes these qualities work. until you work on this, you won’t have a love life soon. the chances are very slim, and likely people won’t offer you chances to get close with them because of obvious communication issues. you could have a loss of friends or opportunities bc you continue to struggle with effectively communicating. maybe the job you’re in or will get will have coworkers that seem very distant. that’s not an accident, that’s just bc of your current energy. you could also get defensive easily or say triggering things. work on these things as much as possible. some practical advice would be to see how healthy people communicate with each other.

also im not sure if you have a hard time sharing your ideas now or even talking bc you’re scared of judgment or you want to be fair for once. you have your work cut out for you fam. your past might’ve involved a lot of drama or gossip, and now’s the time to leave all of that behind.

as for career, you might be stressed out financially as well. you might be stingy with it, selfish materially, or just broke af. the lack of balance in your life is going to cuz hella heartbreak so be ready—loss of friends, loss of love potentials, but the biggest losses are not being able to save them when you could have. but this is just based on your energy right now if you don’t change your ways.

i’ve got nothing more for you qb!! tread forward but tread carefully. there’s a lot of work to be done but you can handle it. don’t slip into your old energy and grow out of this if you want true change. thank you fam 😎

[1d1195]

it's gonna be another long ask bestie, Im sorry 😭 I yap too much when it comes to us talking lol I will try to keep it short!

Me being locked out was so scary bc i've has my blog since like the 6th grade so even though i wiped it when I had my tumblr break a few years ago, I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE IT! oh and you weren't wrong for assuming about classes lol They still are but they were slightly better this week! side note, hot TA is lecturing tomorrow(Friday) and bestie im so excited not bc of the content but for him lol

anways lol If Harry told me off idc if this sounds like Im down bad but I would probably enjoy it lol I for sure saw that their stubbornness and her vulnerability issues would cause conflict between these two so I think that this was the best route to go in for them! I really liked reading it even though it sucks having them fight lol

I love a good backstory! I always enjoy knowing why the characters are the way they are! Like it very much connects the dots for me and I can see how certain events led them to act a certain way! idk I like knowing things lol and i also don't have a great relationship with my dad HAHA like its crazy how easily the thought about my father and I's dynamic makes me easily cry lol

ALSO another side note, the kids show Bluey literally makes me BAWL my eyes out because they have a nice relationship with her father AND the parents have a healthy relationship too 😭😭😭 so I can totally understand how writing this feels good for you!

Trust me, me using your government name is overall a good thing too lol You really GAGGED me with that cliffhanger lol

OKAY PART 7! AHHHHHHHHHH LOVED IT!!!!!!! this was such a perfect way to end it! Okay so FUCK JACK I HOPE HE SUFFERS SO MUCH :)!(i know hes not real but hes real to me so he must suffer!) FUCK THAT MAN! Ngl though was proud of her for breaking his nose which was such win! I was glad she was able to handle it on her own for the most part which is so good! Ideally she would have not gotten hurt but we need the drama lol OKay so I was giggling while reading the locker room scene only because it makes sense that Harry is being such a GUY by punching things lol oh and THE I LOVE YOU DROP?!?!? ADORABLE!!!!!!! and her and Louis's interaction omg that was a cute little moment! VERY MUCH ENJOYED THIS SERIES YOU WILL NEVER DISSAPOINT!

I am manifesting for you to have the best weekend! You WILL enjoy that trashy book and do something that is just for you to enjoy! Enjoy and relax! Wishing you the best my love!-💜

I literally have meltdowns every time I type my password incorrectly when I login. My fear is that I will lose this and all this work. That's why I spent time putting all my work in a drive six months ago. 😭

I haven't baby sat in a while so I haven't seen Bluey! (I'm a Paw Patrol girl) but I've heard ONLY good things about Bluey and how it's good for all ages 😭 Maybe I should give it a watch. Because I've been listening to this song for a few weeks and one of the lyrics is "my parents didn't teach me love but I know how to divorce" and as much as I want to get married (mostly so everyone will stop asking me when it will happen) I don't know if being married will cure everything. Okay, sorry for the heavy vent of this. Let's move on to FUN things. LIKE

HOW WAS HOT TA's LECTURE? I'm 2/3 of the way through my trashy book for the weekend and I am sorry to say I'm wishing for very inappropriate things on your behalf 🤭 maybe it will happen when I sit down to write TA Harry for you 😭

I've had most of Part 7 written for so long that I was like "Omg I need to add more" so Harry got to punch a few things more (I needed to make sure I didn't accidentally write him into legal trouble lol). Then I was like "You know we should have Louis tell her she did a good job too." hehehehehe I really loved writing this one too. It never really felt like I was at a loss of stuff to write.

Thank you for your message as always 💕

xoxo

[biscuitsngravie]

vent under cut // disability, injury

sometimes i wish i was just born with the disabilities i have now. like, im sure that i was already disabled to an extent (most teenagers don't get sick once a month for a year i dont think) but it's like

when ppl say ur one accident away from houselessness or disability they're right. cause after my first car accident i was mostly "fine" (fine enough to walk home instead of taking the ambulance cause i was scared of the cost). i was lucky that i ended up working from home for that year coincidentally enough. credit score? shot. finances? shot. but i could still "function" mostly.

then there was my second car accident. being the passenger, that quote about passengers getting the bulk of injury? yeah. couldnt walk, couldnt stand, could barely breathe. but i did it. did my at home exercises and learned how to mostly do things again. like yeah my back hurts more often than not, and i cant stand for as long as i used to, and there are these weird pains all over my torso sometimes, but im "fine."

then that fucking ladder months after my second accident. if those two didnt take me out, the ladder sealed the deal. barely able to do anything by lie down and stretch my muscles as needed. constantly on painkillers just to go to exist. and after months of physical therapy (i had to go to myself because it wasn't "far enough" to be covered, which included a minimum of an hour walk and occasionally more) im deemed good enough to go back to work for one hundred percent care. yay me.

im "totally" healed, right? buuuuut i just gotta do these back exercises every day for the rest of my life to stand and oh yeah, im at risk of scoliosis now. im "good as new," right? yeah for sure, i just need to take some form of painkiller on occasion because all the places that "used" to hurt (they never really stopped hurting) will have flair ups and, oh would you look at that, i cant walk today. i cant stand today. i cant breathe today.

im so tired. jobs dont take me seriously cause im not legally registered as disabled. but if i even put on the application or mention that ive at the minimum history of disability, they ask me if i can "handle" the job. they send me emails saying they "filled the position." so since im not "really" disabled they can just basically give me bullshit. and i would register, and i wanna register so bad! i want a prescription for a wheelchair, to get a proper crutch, or crutches when both my knees arent being agreeable. i wanna be able to sit in the fucking disability spot on the bus without people staring at me to get up just because someone with a visible disability came in or an elderly person walked on.

im tired of having to pretend that im not in constant fucking pain because im so young. young people arent disabled. black women arent disabled.

but its also so scary. to prove disability is one of the most frightening and dehumanizing processes ive heard of. even when i was doing the claim after i fell off the fucking ladder did prove to be a hassle. and that was in my favor. the fact that ive been working is definitely not gonna help the situation. "if disabled, why work? 🤔"

theres also the savings cap. i have trips i wanna go to, places i wanna be. having a savings cap on being a recipient of disability is actually asinine. theyre pushing to raise and it and GOD i hope that bill goes through.

they basically fuck you over if you're married so there goes my aspirations of partnering ig. countries that wont let you cause ur disabled. countries that wont let you immigrate because of disability. its all so much.

this is all so fucked and this system is so fucked and its so tiring. i just honestly wish i was just born with whatever i have going on right now so that id know what to do. i just woke up one day and now i have an entire routine just to exist and i just wish it was already part of my life in some way ig. idk.

part of me is so mad. why did i listen to those people pressure me to get a car? why did i have to comment on missing that turn? why did they try to make that turn? why didnt i just, idk, not fall off the ladder hello?? why didnt i just take the medical debt from the hospital? would i be able to walk better or get care or get a case and be approved if i just kept going to the hospital instead of working?

hell, those fuckers at the original emergency room didnt even touch me, saying that i'll "bounce back because [i'm] young." its been a year now. theres not fucking "bouncing back."

i cant fucking walk as well as i used to. i cant stand some days. some days i have to practice how to breathe. i just wish that instead of having repeated trauma i was just born with it or something so that this isnt new. i hope that doesnt come off as ignorant as fuck or rude. idk how else to word it.

i wonder about if i can even take the sports i want to next year. or if i can even work at this new job that wants me to work all these hours a week. idk. working all those hours a week is ridiculous anyway. if the accidents didnt disable me that shit wouldve eventually anyway ig. guess i just got a head start. look at me, an overachiever. i did next week's work, too, teacher.

i feel like if i could get diagnosed or if i got diagnosed as a child that i'd be "legit." that i woudlnt have to "prove" to anyone that im disabled. i hate telling people i hurt and hearing about how much i "dont know about." or hear "wait till ur older." im tired of having to constantly tell ppl that young ppl can hurt, too, just to divulge in my medical history to "prove" that im "actually" disabled. im so tired. i just wanna say my knee hurts and someone passes me an ibuprofen or acetaminophen.