#so id rather be healthy
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re: the guy from my livestream:
yes i have put on weight! lol
it mostly went to my ass and tits, n my upper arms (bicep n tricep) r literally muscle like i could knock ur ass out 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
but thnx 4 bein a h8r n 4 the view 馃珷
#tumblr live#lmao#its only like#12lbs#but i get it cause most ppl r used to seeing me#very thin#but like im almost 40#so id rather be healthy#like for when the world is over#sos i can outrun losers like u!
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no one's doing it quite like Wrong Organ is doing it and thank god for that
#replayed how fish is made after mouthwashing and i am useless. i am useless. it's like they spiked all this shit with a#substance to make *me specifically* lose any shred of composure ive ever had#incredible art. heartwrenching exhausted desperately compelling agonizing hilarious entirely disinterested in offering you easy relief but#extremely invested in connecting with you#i will forever buy every single thing these people make upon the second of release#and also i cant engage w stuff like it more often or id never get anything done ever again#wrong organ#how fish is made#mouthwashing#mine#i wish the adhd hyperfixation hadnt hit so hard on mouthwashing though. rn it is an absolutely exhausting and rather triggering thing for#my brain to have decided to make me think about 24/7 but hey. good art is good art is good art#i'll ride out the strongest wave and learn to engage less maladaptatively#it hits the same nerve endings tma did (i have a normal and healthy rs with the concept of choice and responsibility and freedom and#empathy and isolation and abusive power dynamics and autonomy and body horror and)#but where tma was like getting stabbed the wrong organ people took me out#back and simply hacked at me with a meat cleaver until naught but#blood remained#im having such an inexpressably normal one right now
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I may seem very picky but honestly, despite having themes or dynamics i like or dislike, I'm able to love everything AS LONG as it has fixed dynamics of my preference.
No "switching as default", no "i used to too but now i will bottom for whatever reason", no "I'm bottoming now but I'm topping next time", no rapid character change just because there's stereotypes around what bottoms or tops act like. No. Just character preferring to be the bottom and default being seen and wanted as a bottom. That's it, that's all I want to be happy and all over someone's idea.
BUT IT'S SO RARE
#i had yby in mind but honestly its so many chars#yby jzx and lxc for example as the fixed bottoms#wkx as fixed top#honestly the whole 'switching is default and the only way to have a healthy relationship' bothers me#switching is as much of a preference as top/bottom exclysivity#irl i can only be a top otherwise the idea of bottoming turns me off even repulses me from the act#that got TMI but its relevant to my point#ANYWAY oftentimes i wish dynsmic based ship names returned#like difference between yexie and xieye or wenzhou and zhouwen etc#it saves so much time#and heartbreak#like this way id immediately know theres nothing for me to read#rather than click open 20 tabs then skim through and then close them after its the usual dynamic i dont prefer#or worse get invested and then get my day ruined when the sex scene happens#yes ruined because im Like That TM#hcs
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im rewatching the good place again and its at the episode where micheal has that whole existential crisis about dying and chidi kinda says how he had one too and i was remembering my friend who said she had one when she discovered death as a kid, that never happened to me?? is that a common thing???
#it makes me sad to think about because it makes me think about how long ive been suicidal#like death never went from a far away concept in movies to something that happened to a loved one and made me question the brevity of life#it went from a far away concept to a recurring intrusive thought before i was even old enough that anyone i loved died#so much of my life has been wasted wishing i wasnt living it#i envy people who fear death because even when i wasnt actively suicidal death has always been something i felt id welcome rather than not#sighhhh the feels#they do be making me feel shit#bet my psycologist would have a field day with this#jk i dont go there anymore#i just. watch tv and then it makes me feel shit that i post on tumblr about#im so healthy#but i mean at least im not repressing it anymore#as much#13 year old me is shaking#in her boots#alex says shit#the good place#i guess#tw sui talk
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Ok but honestly I hard-core headcannon hudson fnaf as an age regressor he uses that to cope with his trauma and it helps him a lot and I may or may not have an au I'm cooking up involving Springtrap becoming his caregiver馃憠馃憟
#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#what we found#what we found fnaf#fazbear frights#hudson foster#hudson fnaf#fnaf hudson#healthy coping mechanisms#yay#au basically goes springtrap does the same shit hallucination wise as in wwf but then after hudson pees himself it reminds spring of cc#from fnaf 4 and bros parenting skills finally come in handy#springy aint william afton here#im meshing together my highly outdated pre-sl version of events with what we found lmfao#tempted to have spring n hudson run away together so i dont have to force myself to write the rest of the wwf crew#but also like idk i feel like itd be good to challenge myself to write em#but even then barry and duane wouldnt be there bc army and aughh#id rather die then write faith and hudson akwardness#you cant convince me hudson has moved on from her yet and it would be agony to write istg#faith wants to be friends shes chill tho and cool#hudson kinda. doesnt really simp for her per say and doesnt hit on her or anything bc this isnt in the flesh lmfao#and he respects the fact shes with barry yes but idk leftover feelings hitting him like a truck
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"After, in the torchlight, he wondered at the marks on me, the red around my neck, and the purple on my arms and chest where he had gripped me. He rubbed at them, as though they were stains, not bruises. 'The color is perfect,' he said, 'look.' And he held up the mirror so I could see. 'You make the rarest canvas, love.'"
x. "Galatea", Madeline Miller
#Galatea#Madeline Miller#馃摎#so ive been mostly rereading comfort books as of late for a large variety of reasons lol#&this is the first new fiction ive read in a sec&it was heartbreaking lmao riiiiight back to the melancholy.#this story was beautiful. it involved rather intense domestic abuse-- despite the quote the most intense of this#was most def the emotional abuse described throughout-- so i wouldnt like. rec it randomly lmao.#but pygmalion+galatea was the most uncomfortable of all the grecian myths for me; mostly bc its always cast as a love story.#&its not that i wouldnt consider it a love story its more that i feel it should be extremely obvious why the story is not a healthy#depiction of love-- if love is the word youd use which i wouldnt. id think more lust lmao.#so like on the one hand the idea of being made as the ideal of loving perfection by someone then brought to life w a sole+clear purpose#makes me Feel lmao. but not like. the healthy part of me lmao.#so anyway it was... not nice but good seeing the myth reframed to highlight the fact that a man who hated women so much carved one#that wouldnt speak or behave in any way that irritated him then pined for her to have a heartbeat so fervently that she was brought to life#probably wouldnt have actually treated her well once she was able to speak&think lmao.
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im probably going to go on hiatus again, i think i hate using tumblr. ill make a new pinned post and then uninstall the app again later today
#given the main reason is that i don't actually feel like im meaningfully communicating or connecting with anyone#if anyone would like to indulge me and tell me what they think of me i would appreciate it#<- sorry openly pathetic#i feel like i AM very attached to the idea of mutuals but then it doesn't really feel like most people care/like me#and then im like. well that doesnt seem healthy. so i just stopped using tumblr#but it makes me sad since im attached but like idk. this is probably just a facet of blogging#in which case id rather just directly befriend and talk to people instead of begging for likes and asks
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Exposing myself as a cow milk drinker,,,whole milk my beloved I'm so sorry for the way gay people have treated you
#does milk fuck up my ibs? yes. yes it does.#does that stop me from using it anything and everything? no. no it does not.#like im sorry but id rather die than put oat milk in my cereal#there is no universe where plant milk tastes anywhere near as good as the real fucking deal#they wish they could be you cow milk..they wish#also like idk just people saying cow milk isnt healthy like the fat content? the calcium? the protein?? its wonderful#so wonderful how could you ever say anything bad about her#(<- guy who's tummy hurts so bad bc he just ate a bowl of honey bunches of oats)
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its not faiirrrrrr.
i wanna be a bookworm girl who lights little candles when she reads and makes a little tea for herself and sits in a nice chair to be all aesthetic and everything BUT
i have one candle (gifted to me by my friend and the only candle ive ever been gifted despite how much i love candles) and it means so much to me im sad to burn it
and i hate tea. i wish i liked tea. i WANT to like tea bc its cute and pretty and healthy. but i hate tea.
my family living room is gross bc of one of our cats so i have to read on my bed. no pretty chair ;-;
so i miss out on the bookworm girl instagram aesthetic and isnt that fucking tragic??? im so sad abt it actually. i dont fit the stereotype despite wanting to so dearly
#i wanna like tea. its so pretty and cute.#but. genuinely. it tastes like piss. chamomile is the worst of them all#thats crazy. chamomile is SO CUTE!!! lil flowers!!! the name is cute! it tastes like ass! how does that add up at all#help me like tea. if u have pointers please gimme#or else im gonna have to look up 'how to like tea' OR drink fruit tea and pretend like thats the same#when i know its not and its FAR less healthy than green/black/white tea#help a girl out if u can. and gimme candles. thank u#wanted to get myself a bookworm mystery box for my bday in august but decided against it#when a huge portion of the mystery box was a surprise flavor of tea.#a book i might end up hating? whatever. but like 3 packets of tea. no. gross. see im missing out on opportunities this is so unfair#also im aware that this is not a real problem. but it is to me. am i dealing w worse rn? YES. but id rather think abt this#little anya things
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i hate u mental problems disease :) go away :)
#WHY did i wake up today wanting to fake my own death#also please do not tell me to go to bed earlier or develop healthy habits we both know im not gonna do that#id rather have a little insanity as a treat#than go to bed at 10pm#im also not gonna stop overcaffeinating myself or doing drugs so#please do not recommend that either#i enjoy coffee and being stoned so sue me.#and i do work out and eat vegetarian at home and im still insane#so dont recommend jogging either#basically just Let Me Be Sick and Complain
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I love you body positivity
I love you disability accomodations
I love you diverse human experience
#negativity in the tags time#i rlly appreciate the body posi posts that r like#weight gain and resting are good and healthy and natural#and its a good message and a lot of people need to hear it#myself included#BUT#ya girl has a hypermobility disorder#and im currently struggling with a knee injury#that is partly because i didnt/couldnt rest enough#but also partially because i rested too much and lost some of the muscle i needed to keep my joints from falling apart#and now i need to fight to build that shit back#which is gonna be hard and gonna suck#and ya#i dont have to do that shit#i could religate myself to a wheelchair in like 2 decades#but there is so much i wana see that i still havent#and so much of my life i have built around being able to run around#so idk how to function without that#and id personally rather learn to build a stronger body for myself that will take me on wild adventures for longer#rather than rush into the peace and acceptance i will inevitably face in the twilight of my life
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honestly all of you can fuck off. i'm allowed to be angry, half of us didnt even fuckjng want this but we did it for him and look where that gets us.
#lenn's desperate to always be in the good graces of his fucking boytoy#when has THAT done us any favors. if he wasnt practically STRANGLING ME with how short of a leash im being kept on right now#id go full fucking scorched earth. he's our last tether to anything we care about#and he barely even cares enough to fucking make shit work#rather run away with his tail between his legs. leave us to clean up the damage or wait for him to come back when he feels like it. leave u#powerles with no fucking clue what we did wrong. he can fuck off with that.#we pour so much effort just so he can ghost us when he fucking feels like it. the ammount of WORK it takes to maintain anything healthy is#hell#i say we just cut it the fuck off#cut our losses. kill ourselves if we get resl sad if we want but im tired of this shit. all lenn's reasons suck. im tired.#i dont hate him. but i think burning it top down is what has to happen#its going to catch fire anyway#at least this way we have control instead of just eaiting for him to leave one day#and not come bsck.#autopsy.txt
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listen, I know that depression is more of a chemical thing and while it has triggers it doesn't actually care how good or bad things are, but it's so stupid and disrespectful of my brain to be having a moment when everything is fr going perfectly my way.
also, I may be mildly anemic because I was really prone to iron deficiency as a kid and I'm feeling about how I felt then. and it might also be some general burnout due to things being good and feeling pressure around that. idk. not having fun rn.
#generally mental health is stupid#i can still feel happy in the moment#im not to complete numb apathy yet#(though i do definitely get there a lot)#but im just TIRED!!!!!#more than i know i should be#and i have no appetite no matter how much i know i should eat#and my sleep has been shit#and every time i do go to take a nap or something i cant force myself to sleep#mostly because im afraid ill miss an opportunity to talk to that dude#not that hed care if i told him that i was asleep#but more because i had neglected my social need so heavily for so long#and i do feel so much better when we talk (even now that im feeling not great again)#and i like talking to so few people that i cant really go elsewhere for that need#so id rather skip out on sleep (especially since i get a 'healthy' amount of sleep and tend to oversleep w depression so i dont need it)#than miss out on talking to him#(i say as if i havent ignored his last text for the past hour because i dont have the energy to respond)
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my lovely lue i would cut off my own toes and eat them if you asked me to~
Great news for your feet then because I'm not going to ask you to do that
#i did see your other one first so im answering out of order. pls take care of your toes anon id rather you stay healthy with them attached#to your body still 馃拃#-Lue asks
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the world isnt so bad
#the bin#i think ill be ok one day#i feel like i need to change a lot of my lofe and relationships for that to happen but ill do it and ill be better for it and ill be ok#i feel like the big thing thats been fucking me uo these past years besides not having friends is my sister#i just. dont like her. shes mean and unpleasant to be around. she seems fine if u only spend a little time around her but shes so negative#and its not enougj to just not talk much. like. i need our relationship to stop existing in its current for in a tangeble way#not enough to just talk less bc then shes like why r we talking less. but i dont have the option of just saying hey ur mean and i dont#wanna be kinda-friends anymore. we can just have the same kinda relationship i have with the rest of our siblings#because i have literally nobody else here and if she gets mad im kinda fucked. i need her to take me to work. i cant compromise that#its just. idk it sucks. i think itll be healthy to jave distance from her when i move away so that ohr relationship can do the thing quietly#idk. i would have no problem with just changing things immediately but she always has reacted badly to that stuff sooo#ive felt yhis way for many years now but i felt like i was the problem and that shes actually fine but thats not it#and i keep trying to fix it but idk. shes just unpleasant. shes not horrible but we do NOT work. i need to talk to my other older sister#more cause shes really nice. probably gonna help her get a job and stuff when i move. maybe we will move in together#only for like a temp time but just so she can get a handle on living on ur own. and she would need a ride to work n stuff#shes very loud so id rather not live with her. i wanna live alone. but i wanna help her out also bc nobody is willing to do that for her#and also treat her like a capable adult. how can she learn how to be an adult if nobody treats her like one? shes perfectly capable once#she learns but its not stuff u just know on ur own. well. without other ppl getting in the way we communicate very well#idk. thats way future stuff tho. but maybe will do that in the future. im trying to be optimistic and think abt my oter siblings to talk to#i have 3 who are old enough to have regular conversations with and the other 2 r a bit young. 2 of the 3 r kinda mean tho#well. me and my other older sister can live in the least fav children club and talk abt how rude the other 2 are lol
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man idk why like i just feel so depressed, like im the least favorite friend people only spend time with because we"ve known eachother for a while and they just feel obligated to at this point. And i know that its probably just my brain messing with me but ive just been feeling like this for a while but havent had the heart to bring it up because i recognize its probably an illogical mindset and i'd just feel selfish if i did, just getting this one off my chest bc i know its stupid and maybe posting this will somehow magically get rid of this dreadful feeling
#praying to god none of them sees this bc we all follow eachother#i dont want them to feel bad or like theyre doing something wrong or feel pressured to spend more time with me if they dont want to#because obviously its not their fault i feel this way its most likely just my brain trying to convince me that this friendship#is like every other friendship i had (this is literally the only non abusive irl friendship ive ever had not even joking or exaggerating)#so again its probably just my brain trying to pull a mind fuck on me#so anyways just needed to get this out before the guilt drove me mad im perfectly fine#just trying to take the proper steps to dismantle this feeling by letting it out#and hope thinking rationally helps me to get my head back on straight because this is probably just all in my head#and if they see this and it turns out my feeling is right (which im perfectly fine with. id much rather hear it straight than be mislead)#this will give us an oppurtunity to decide what to do from here with our friendship in a healthy manor#okay im sleeping this off now gn#vent
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