#so i wanted to remind everyone that their body is valid and cool!!!

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

hey, here's a reminder that Foul Legacy loves you no matter what body type you have! personally he would be delighted if you were a little soft and squishy, it makes you that much better for hugging and snuggling with. no matter what you look like, he still adores everything about you, nuzzling his head into your stomach and purring; on bad days where you can't stand looking at yourself in the mirror, he scoops you into his arms and nudges his mouth delicately against your cheeks in his form of a kiss, occasionally giving you single cheeky licks.

Foul Legacy loves you, no matter what <3

[elliewithcellie]

Rite of Passage

summary: steve takes care of you after a date gone horribly wrong (roommate!steve harrington x fem!reader)

wc: 2.0k

cw: results of the date which is not described, but understood to be sexual assault, Please use your discretion (marked in the tags so it can be filtered), steve stays platonic, he is the comfort in the hurt/comfort, reader takes a bath, semi-graphic description of injuries, angst but fluff in how steve cares so much for reader. PLEASE let me know if I'm missing anything

a/n: this is not for the faint of heart. it has been in the vault since 2022 just as a kind of a coping thing. it's one of the stories i revisit and literally just cry rereading, but maybe it can be helpful to others. this is just one way one can react to this sort of incident. everyone's own reactions are valid, and i love you.

It could happen to anyone. Almost every girl experiences it, some sick rite of passage to prove that you are a woman. To remind you that you are still inferior, second class, an object to be used. Then these women share their stories so nonchalantly, in passing, and in response to their friends’ stories. Some don’t share at all. Some bottle it up and smile through the pain anyway, now nothing behind her once vibrant eyes.

But you never really thought it would happen to you. Not that you were invincible or immune or reckless; it’s just not something that anyone can fully comprehend. You’d been told to smile more. You’d been objectified or ignored. You thought that put you on the list already.

You thought he was a sweet guy. You wished you listened to Steve. You had laughed at his suggestion to “at least bring him back to the apartment.” You were so embarrassed at the thought of making out with some guy while Steve hid in the other room. And you didn’t want your date to know that you lived with another guy. But all that seemed so insignificant now.

You had to walk home. Your teeth chattered in the drizzling rain, your gait slightly wider than usual. You crossed your arms and bit down on your lip hard, a desperate attempt at a distraction. Not a single car passed you on your trek home. The darkness consumed you. The silence betrayed you. With your phone now dead, making it to your apartment was the only hope filling your heart. You prayed that Steve hadn’t waited up for you. You just wanted to be alone.

You fiddled with your keys as you approached the locked door. You didn’t realize how much your hands were shaking. You struggled for a few more moments, begging for the strength to get inside without crying, when the door opened for you.

“Y/N! I’ve been calling you for like an hour! Where have you been?” Steve guided you inside. He attempted to take your jacket from you, but you jerked his hand off of you.

“Don’t! Don’t touch me.” Your voice quivered at the end of your sentence.

Steve lifted his hands and closed the door behind the both of you. “Sorry, I didn’t – I – you’re soaked, hon. Did—did you walk here?”

You nodded. You felt overwhelmed, anger rising to cover your tracks. “Can you just fucking cool it with the questions? My phone died. I walked here. I’m wet 'cause it’s raining. Just—just leave me alone.”

You shoved him out of your way with your shoulder and stormed to your room. You had never acted this way toward him, toward anyone. People knew you to be kind, gentle, and sometimes blunt, but never rude or aggressive. But you felt that part breaking right in front of your eyes. You were confused. You couldn’t comprehend what was happening, that this was happening.

You plugged in your phone. You paced around your room for your phone to light up again. When your phone turned back on, you checked for his number. He had already blocked you.

Your lungs boiled. Your body vibrated with rage. The impulse to scream grew stronger and stronger by the second. So, you did. A guttural, soul-clutching scream escaped your throat. Tears stained your cheeks. You felt your destruction in your hands, transferring the havoc condemned to you to your room. You threw your books, kicked your chair, and flipped your mattress, bawling and yelling through it all. You punched your pillow over and over until hands gathered you in their arms. You fought the arms, but the hold was tight.

“Hey, it’s me. It’s Steve. Relax. I’ve got you. You’re ok. You’re safe. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

You sank into his touch and wept. Destruction left your body and devolved into devastation. Your body suddenly so heavy, you slumped to your knees, Steve following right behind you and still holding you close.

You couldn’t be sure how long you stayed on the floor of your bedroom. But Steve held you with the same force he did from the very start. He wasn’t going anywhere. You cried until you lost your energy, tears still streaking your face. You couldn’t even hold yourself up anymore. You were glad that you had Steve to lean on.

“How can I help?” Steve asked. You didn’t respond. You couldn’t process such an open-ended question. It seemed that Steve understood that. “Water is supposed to help relax people. What if I fill up the tub for you? You can rest in there, and I’ll grab some clothes for you. How does that sound?”

You nodded, not yet able to find your voice. Steve gently lifted you up, and the two of you walked to the bathroom.

You sat on the closed toilet as Steve crouched by the tub, testing the water with his hand. When the tub filled, he stood up and headed toward the door. “I’ll leave your clothes by the door, ok?”

He opened the door, and your stomach flipped. “Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Please, I don—Can you stay?”

Steve’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink. He closed the door behind him and nodded. “Uh, yeah, ok.”

The two of you sat in silence. You didn’t ask for him not to look. You didn’t start to change. You didn’t move, a haze falling over you. The weight of horror and defeat pulled you down.

“Y/N?”

Your eyes snapped up to Steve’s. “Sorry. I’m just tired.”

“Do you—would you like some help?” Steve’s voice shook as if you were made of glass and one misstep would shatter you.

All you could do was nod. You shuffled out of your jacket as Steve untied your shoes and removed your socks, still damp from the rain. He rose to his knees to meet you at eye level. He patted your arm, and you lifted them halfway into the air, as much as you could muster. Steve carefully pulled your shirt over your head, officially crossing a line the two of you never even toed.

And what Steve saw broke his heart. Blue and green bruises in the shape of fingertips wrapped around your neck. More, less cohesive shapes scattered across your chest down to the top of your hip bones where the waistband of your pants sat.

“Oh my god,” he whispered. He sat in observation, conflict brewing within him. The more he looked, the angrier he got. His shame screamed for him to look away, to salvage the friendship you both have and remain a ‘gentleman’. But the true friend in him wanted to document every bruise on your body, to share the knowledge in your pain, and to lighten the load in any way possible. This part fueled him to continue.

“Stand up for me, please.”

You paused. Your heart began to pound, and you found it harder and harder to breathe. You started to feel dizzy.

Steve took your face in his hands and had you look at him. “Breathe. You’re ok. Breathe with me. In…and out.” You matched the rhythm that Steve set and took deep breaths. You collected yourself under Steve’s gaze, but you were still a little overwhelmed.

“I’m here for you, ok? Whatever you need just say it. Need me to turn around, I will. Need me to leave? I can. But I think you need to get cleaned up, ok? You think you can do that? What do you need from me?”

You thought for a moment. Your brain felt jumbled, like crossed wires scrambling messages. Steve sat at your knees patiently while you considered what you wanted.

“Let’s—let’s just get it over with,” you sighed, a dry laugh forced from your diaphragm.

You stood up with what strength you had left, resolving to lean your body weight on Steve’s shoulders as he kneeled beneath you.

He wasted no time in unbuttoning your pants, desperate to not make a scene of it. He glided your pants to your ankles, and you stepped out of them while using Steve to balance. He stood up and guided you into the water. As you stepped in, the dried blood between your thighs sucked the air out of Steve’s lungs. Now he felt dizzy. Now he felt rage. He could only have guessed, but now he was certain. His eyes stung as he blinked back tears.

“I—I’ll be right back,” he said, turning away from you.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna grab those clothes for you. I’ll be right back. I promise.” He tore out of the bathroom, his tears now falling freely. He was gonna kill him. He was gonna kill that man if it was the last thing he did. He paced the halls debating on grabbing his bat. His blood boiled. Steve didn’t know what to do. He stormed into your room but was quickly reminded of the destruction that already took place. His temper cooled back down. You were his priority. You needed his attention. You needed him. He took a deep breath and collected all of your favorite cozy clothes.

He wiped his tears before knocking. A weak ‘come in’ responded. Steve opened the door. You had already begun draining the tub as you reached for your towel from your seated position. Steve grabbed the towel and pulled you up to your feet. He wrapped you up and did what he could to dry you. Then he helped you into your sweats and socks before guiding you to his room.

“What are we doing?” you asked.

“Well, your bed is kind of indisposed at the moment,” Steve chuckled. “So, you can sleep here for now, ok? I’ll be on the couch if you need me.” The truth was he planned on cleaning your room and putting it back together. He knew it was late, but a fresh start in the morning was sure to allow things to move forward a little easier, right?

“You don’t have to. I can sleep on the couch; it’s fine.”

“Please, I insist.”

“It’s your bed.”

“Well, then, at least stay with me. I want you comfortable. I want you to get some sleep tonight.”

“Are you sure?”

“Only if you are.”

“I think I’d like that, actually.” You tried to smile, but you were much too tired.

“Come on, then.” Steve smiled. He held your hand as he led you to his bed. He pulled the covers back, and you slipped in, Steve following close behind.

The room was dark and silent, two things that again began to trouble you. You stared up at the ceiling, trying to keep your composure. Steve, too, stared up at his ceiling fan, all too conscious of the space between the two of you, hoping you were comfortable, or at least relaxed enough to fall asleep.

“You were right,” you whispered, your lip beginning to quiver.

Steve’s ears perked up. “Huh? What do you mean?” He turned his body to face you, his arm propping up his head.

“You knew he was bad news. I should have listened.”

“No, no. No. You couldn’t have known. I didn’t know. You did nothing wrong. Okay? Look at me. You did nothing wrong.”

You nodded in the dark, the silence continuing to settle around you. You wanted to believe him; you really did. But fragments of memories struck your nerves, all too vivid and all so wrong to be truly convinced.

“Why did this happen to me, Steve?” Your voice broke. Steve pulled you into his chest as you cried for the second time this evening. He stroked your hair as he held you close, failing to keep his own tears at bay.

“I’ve got you, sweet girl. I’ve got you. I’m gonna keep you safe from now on, you got that? You can count on me.”

“Thank you,” you whispered.

The room eventually grew quiet and still, the only sounds the heavy breaths leaving both of you. Steve kept his promise, holding you in his arms and keeping you safe the entire night.

[hees-sweetheart]

|~ Slowly but Surely. ~|

──Pairing: !f1 racer heeseung x reader

──Genre: angst ? / VERY SUGGESTIVE.

──Synopsis: you're heeseungs f1 racing manager, and starting to have a crush on him !

──A/N: 2nd fic !~

"Lee Heeseung, if you dont get over here right now.. i swear to god i will smack you."

Heeseung looks at (y/n) through the corner of his eye, a playful smirk on his face. It seems as if he was thinking for a second, debating on whether to obey her, or get smacked. He took the first option.

"Yes, (y/n) ?" He says, acting like a child as he does.

"My god, you arent six. Anyways, we need to go over the directions around the course for the upcoming race." She looks at her clipboard, but Heeseungs eyes are glued on her figure. The way your dress hugs your figure in the most perfect way, makes him feel a little tingle.

He snaps back to reality, as (y/n) calls out his name. "Oh uh, yeah?" He says, scratching the back of his neck.

"were you even paying attention at all..?" Shes asks, clicking her pen and writing on her clipboard. "Or do i have to explain it all over again?"

"Eh.. explain it.. please." He says, and embarrassed look plastered on his face.

(y/n) and Heeseung had always had a tumultuous relationship. (y/n) was Heeseung's manager, tasked with keeping the fiery F1 racer in check. They constantly butted heads, their personalities clashing like two storms colliding in the sky.

But, beneath the surface of their bickering, there was an undercurrent of attraction that neither could deny.

(y/n) found herself drawn to Heeseung's determination and competitive spirit. Despite his fiery temper, there was a vulnerability in his eyes that made her heart flutter.

Meanwhile, Heeseung was secretly enamored with (y/n)'s cool and collected demeanor. The way she handled every situation with grace and confidence, even when dealing with his impulsive behavior, was admirable.

He tried to hide it, of course, burying his feelings beneath a facade of mockery and teasing. But it was evident in the way he secretly sought out her company, craving their approval and validation.

As they worked together, the tension between them continued to grow. The late-night strategy meetings turned into heated arguments, their faces inches apart, bodies charged with electricity. Every touch, every glance, sent sparks flying.

Heeseung would test (y/n) with his words, pushing her buttons to get a reaction. But beneath the teasing, there was a hint of pleading, a wish for something more than just a professional relationship.

(y/n) tried to resist, reminding herself that it was unethical and unprofessional to have feelings for their client. But every time Heeseung smirked at her or sought her comfort and support, her resolve grew weaker.

One race day, everything came to a head. Heeseung had a difficult time during the race, and his frustration was off the charts. After the race, he came storming into (y/n)'s office, anger radiating off of him in waves.

"Why didn't you warn me about that turn? I could've won that race!" Heeseung yelled, pacing back and forth in front of (y/n)'s desk.

"I did." (y/n) says, a cold expression on her face. "YOU were not listening."

Heeseung's anger flared at their sharp retort. "I was too busy focusing on driving! That's your job, isn't it? To give me the best information?"

He slammed his hands down on her desk, towering over her with seething irritation.

(y/n) met his gaze, their composure unwavering. "I did give you the information. It's not my fault you decided to ignore it just so you could try and be the star of the show."

Heeseung's eyes narrowed. "Is that what you think? That I was trying to showboat?" His voice was low, almost a growl. "You really think I'm that shallow, huh?"

(y/n) leaned back in her chair, crossing their arms. "What am I supposed to think when you ignore my advice and act like a stubborn child? You think just because you're a superstar racer, you can do whatever you want and blame everyone else when things go wrong?"

Heeseung's jaw clenched, anger and frustration battling inside him. "You wouldn't understand." He turned away from her, his voice quieter now. "You're not the one out there, risking your life every race. You don't know what it's like to have everyone watching your every move, waiting for you to fail."

(y/n) softened, her expression gentling. "You're right, I don't understand that part. But that doesn't give you the right to take your anger out on me. I'm on your side, Heeseung. I want you to win as much as you do."

Heeseung turned back to her, his anger slowly fading. "I…I know. I just…I get so frustrated when things go wrong. It feels like everything is riding on me, and if I fail, then it's all over."

(y/n) stood up and walked over to him. She placed a gentle hand on his arm, her touch soothing. "I know it's hard. But you don't have to carry that burden alone. That's what I'm here for. We'll figure it out together."

Heeseung's breath hitched at her touch, his frustration melting away under her comforting presence. He stared down at her, swallowing hard. "Why are you always so good to me? Even when I act like a jerk."

(y/n) chuckled, her lips curving into a soft smile. "Because I see who you really are, beyond the competitive racer and the hot-headed attitude. You're passionate and dedicated. I admire that about you."

Heeseung's heart swelled at her words. No one had ever seen him the way she did, understood both his strengths and his flaws. It was both terrifying and liberating. "(y/n), I…I don't deserve you."

(y/n) placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. "You don't get to decide what you deserve. I know what I believe. And I believe that you're worth fighting for."

Heeseung's eyes widened at her statement, his heart racing in his chest. He'd always been so used to people expecting greatness from him, that he'd forgotten what it was like to have someone simply believe in him. He slowly wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer.

(y/n) let out a soft gasp as he pulled them against him, their bodies pressed together. She could feel his breath hot against their neck, his touch sending shivers down her spine. "Heeseung…" She whispered, her voice trembling with sudden vulnerability.

Heeseung lifted his head, his eyes locking onto hers. "I…I can't resist you anymore." He murmured, his grip on her waist tightening. "I've been trying to deny it, but…I can't pretend I don't feel something for you."

(y/n) felt her heart flutter at his confession, a mixture of surprise and relief flooding through her. "You're not the only one." She admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "I've been trying so hard to keep my feelings in check, but it's been impossible."

Heeseung let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, his expression a mix of relief and nervousness. "So we're both idiots then." He said with a chuckle, resting his forehead against hers.

(y/n) barked a surprised laugh. "Yeah, I guess we are." She lifted her hands to cup his face, her thumb tracing his jawline. Her touch was gentle, almost reverent. "What do we do now?"

Heeseung leaned into her touch, his eyes closed as he savored the feel of her skin against his. "I don't know." He admitted, his voice filled with uncertainty. "But I know I don't want to hide these feelings anymore."

(y/n) nodded, her fingers tracing the slope of his nose, his cheekbone, his earlobe. "Neither do I." She murmured, her body pressed flush against his. "But it might not be that simple."

Heeseung sighed, his fingers playing with the edge of her shirt, rubbing idle circles against their skin. "I know. We're both professionals. We have a job to do. And…well, I'm not exactly known for being the most stable guy."

(y/n) smirked at that, her eyes gleaming with amusement. "You say that like I didn't know what I was getting into." She teased, lightly swatting his shoulder. "I've been dealing with your temper tantrums long before these feelings came into play."

Heeseung had the decency to look sheepish at that. "Yeah, yeah. You know me too well." He chuckled, his hands moving to grip her hips. "I still can't believe you put up with me. You're either a saint or a masochist."

(y/n) chuckled, her hands sliding up to wind around his neck. "I don't know if I'd go that far." They joked, her fingers lacing together at the nape of his neck. "Maybe I just have a thing for stubborn, hot-headed racing prodigies."

Heeseung's eyes darkened at their words, his grip on her hips tightening. "Is that so?" He smirked, his face inches away from hers, his breath hot on their skin. "Are you saying I'm your type?"

(y/n) swallowed, her heart racing at his proximity. She tried to keep their expression light and nonchalant, but the way her body was reacting betrayed her. She could feel her own pulse racing, her breath coming in shallow gasps. "I…uh…I didn't say that." She stuttered, her cheeks flushed.

Heeseung's smirk widened into a cheeky grin as his lips teased over hers, just barely touching. His breath mingled with hers, their faces so close that they were sharing the same air. His gaze locked onto hers, studying her reaction, waiting for her to take the bait.

(y/n) resisted the urge to shiver, her eyes fluttering closed as she felt his lips against hers. The feeling was electric, shooting sparks up and down her spine. She found herself leaning into him, her body craving more. But before she could fully surrender to the moment, a small part of her brain nagged at her sensibilities. They were still in her office, anyone could walk in at any moment.

As if sensing her hesitation, Heeseung pulled away, his eyes shining with a mixture of amusement and disappointment. "You're thinking too hard." He murmured, his thumb rubbing gentle circles on her hip. "You always do that."

(y/n) opened her eyes, her expression a comical blend of flustered and guilty. "I can't help it." She muttered, looking away from him. "What if someone sees us? We're in my office, remember?"

Heeseung rolled his eyes, a scoff slipping through his lips. "As if I care who sees us." He leaned in closer again, his body pressing against hers. "I want to kiss you, right here, right now. Screw anyone who walks in."

(y/n) gasped as he crowded her against her desk, his body practically pinning her in place. "Heeseung, we can't…" She protested, her voice weak and unconvincing. Her hands came up to grip the front of his shirt, her knuckles turning white from the force of her grip. "We…we have to be professional…"

Heeseung chuckled, his eyes glinting with mischief as he pressed even closer to her. His lips found the sensitive spot below her ear, his warm breath sending shivers down her spine. "Does this feel professional to you?" He whispered, nipping gently at her earlobe.

(y/n) let out a shaky moan, her resolve crumbling with every press of his lips against her skin. "N-no…" She admitted, her hands gripping his shirt even tighter. She knew she should put a stop to this, push him away and resume their professional relationship. But her body had other plans, arching towards him, seeking more of his touch.

Heeseung smirked against her neck, his hands roaming over her body, tracing every curve, every dip. "That's what I thought." He mumbled, his lips trailing a path down to her collarbone. He nipped at the exposed skin there, his teeth grazing over a sensitive spot, eliciting a gasp from her. "You may try to act all professional, but your body tells a different story."

(y/n) bit her lip to suppress another moan, unable to resist the effect he had on her. "You're a…a menace…" She managed to stammer out, her voice wavering as his hands continued their exploration. "We really…really shouldn't be doing this here…"

Heeseung huffed a quiet laugh, his fingers finding the hemline of her shirt. "You're not exactly protesting, are you?" He said, starting to slide the fabric upward. His hand was warm against her skin, leaving a trail of tingling sensation wherever he touched. "In fact, I'd say you're enjoying this just as much as I am."

(y/n) swallowed hard, her head tilted back as she surrendered to the sensations he was igniting within her. His touch was like a spark of electricity, sending waves of pleasure through her body. She was torn between indulging in the moment and her nagging sense of propriety. "We…we have to stop…" She said weakly, her body arching against his.

Heeseung chuckled against her skin, his fingers now tracing the edge of her bra strap. "Or what?" He challenged, his tone playful. "You'll fire me? Stop giving me those amazing strategies?" His lips moved to the base of her neck, nipping at her pulse point. "I think we both know you won't do that. You love this too much."

(y/n) inhaled sharply at the mixture of sensations - his lips against her neck, his hands on her body, his words in her ear. She couldn't deny it, she was enjoying this far more than she should. "We…we at least…need to lock the door…" She panted, half-conscious of her dwindling restraint.

Heeseung pulled away slightly, a sly smile on his lips. "Smart thinking." He murmured, his eyes glinting. Without waiting for her response, he turned away from her, walking over to the door and locking it. When he returned to her, he caged her in with his arms, his body pressed against hers again. "Now, where were we?"

(y/n) found herself trapped between him and the desk, her heart hammering in her chest. She had never seen Heeseung so assertive and dominant before, and it was both terrifying and exhilarating. Her hands came up to grip his biceps, her body responding to his proximity of its own accord. "You…you're playing dirty…" She accused, her voice soft and breathless.

Heeseung smirked against her lips, his arms wrapping around her waist, pulling her flush against him. He wasted no time in taking control, his kiss deep and demanding. All the suppressed desire and tension that had been building between them exploded into that single moment, their lips meeting in a fiery collision.

(y/n) moaned into the kiss, her body melting against his. Her hands moved to tangle in his hair, pulling him closer, deeper. All her earlier reservations melted away under the heat of his touch, replaced by a hungry need that coursed through her veins.

Heeseung responded eagerly, his tongue delving into her mouth, seeking out her own. His hands moved over her body, mapping out every contour, every soft curve. He drank in the sounds she made, the way her body responded to his touch, fueling his own hunger.

"You're gonna be the death of me.."

[definitelynotshouting]

Okay, so, question I've had for a while but never got around to asking, what the FUCK is up with Grian's wings?

If all physical differences in players (like those particularly ascribed to 'Hybrids' in mcyt fanon) in Hunger AU are a result of conscious altering of your own code for the express purpose of achieving YOUR IDEAL BODY(tm) then what does that mean for Grian and his wings? No one seems to regard Grian's wings as "What The Fuck, You Can DO That?!?" so presumably wings aren't so big of a change from normal biology that players can't do that. If so, why is it not more common? Man, if I could have wings I'd jump on that in seconds. Especially with the sheer utility the ability to fucking FLY gives players. Are wings (and maybe other larger alterations) just like, REALLY HARD to code in? If so, that might add a really cool layer of "Oh wow! They must be a really good coder!" to players who meet people like that.

On a related note, Grian seems to have a positive regard for his wings, which is interesting because I would be willing to bet he didn't have that before *insert sounds of worm-bursting and non-consensual body modification*. I imagine seeing his wings would likely feel like a reminder of the Watchers and what they did to him. BUT, Watchers manipulate their own code when they change like Grian did to, y'know, not be a worm anymore so Grian probably specifically chose how he looked, right? So, unless he did so really rushed and somehow made a mistake while doing so (which he might not be able to risk the structural damage of correcting), keeping the wings was a conscious decision. Does Grian just not associate his wings with the Watchers or is it something else? Does he just really enjoy having wings?

HELLO I AM SO GLAD YOU'VE ASKED THIS BECAUSE I HAVE ‼️‼️‼️‼️ MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT IT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Okay okay so these are all SUCH valid questions, lemme go through them one by one. Wings are indeed something anyone could have if they wanted to code them in-- and in fact, i do believe many other Players have wings throughout the universe!!! As far as body mods go, i like to think of them as decently popular, so its definitely not anything too weird to see. In chapter 5, i even make a mention to Pearl having moth wings she occasionally codes in due to preference!!! So wings of many different types are definitely available-- but the catch is that they're real fiddly to code. You cant just give yourself wings, you have to code in the bone structure, the muscles, the tendons, etc etc, and then you have to change your entire body structure as well to work with and fully support them. They can be awkward and unwieldy, as ive tried to show in the fic itself, and i think that alone can be a big discouragement for Players considering coding in wings, along with the sheer coding effort needed to obtain them and make them functional

And the thing is, elytra already exist-- they're far more compact, they dont take up as much space, you can take them on and off super easily without having to mess with your coding, and they basically do the same thing. Sure, its a pain to get one, but a lot of Players really enjoy the sense of accomplishment, and i think theres a bit of cultural prestige too in that regard. Server milestones are a huge thing in Player culture, and getting your first pair of elytra is a big one!!! So it makes sense to me that people who just dont want to go through the effort of coding in wings (which can then in turn complicate how they code other future modifications) primarily stick to elytra.

And everybody is different-- some people prefer attributes that arent wings. I like to think everyone in hermitcraft generally is a mix of "jeez thats effort, i could be building my base instead of doing that" and "eh im fine how i am, i like it" and "well we have elytra shops everywhere so why bother".

So in short, yeah!! Wings are a bit complex to code in. They're still pretty popular, i think plenty of Players do choose to incorporate them, but it takes a lot of hard and thorough work to make sure they function right and wont bug you out when you use them. There are billions of Players scattered across the universe, so what you're seeing in the fic right now is truly just a drop in the ocean when it comes to Player body diversity :] and then, elytra basically already help Players achieve a form of flight without the hassle of recoding their entire body structure, so i think the majority of Players just prefer to use them instead.

AS FOR GRIAN'S WINGS IN PARTICULAR......

Well..... its complicated. Particularly his feelings about them-- in the fic, i referenced them as the only good thing the Watchers ever gave him, and thats how he sees it, i think: a thin silver lining. He's had many, many years to get used to them, and i think he goes through periods where he hates them and the memories attached, too. Ultimately, he's kinda stuck with them, so i think he hit a form of acceptance (as bitter-tinged as it may be) out of sheer necessity for his own sanity.

As for why he has them, and hasnt coded them out: i think of it as a particular quirk of biology/structural coding. Watchers have a more instinctive way of coding than Players, but a Player-minded Watcher is still going to think like a Player, and thats going to muddle things a lot. Grian essentially had to relearn how to code, in a way that satisfied both Player and Watcher-style coding, and the results at first were.... a little rough around the edges. Once he managed to finally take on his original former appearance, the wings from his true form just kind of.... stuck. I like to think it took a few increasingly desperate tries before he realized he just could not figure out how to get rid of them (bc of how different his new code was), and had to accept that this was just how he was gonna have to live for a while until he finally figured it out. And then, well.... you can get used to anything, if you're stuck with it long enough. I think after a while it just stopped being a huge priority, and then he reached a point where it would be more awkward to live without them than with them, and he eventually dropped the idea altogether. And i think sometimes, they function almost like a scar, to him-- a reminder of what he went through, yes, but a reminder that he did manage to escape. And, ofc, he also just really, really likes flying skdjskdjdj

So yeah, loads of complicated feelings there about his wings, and its stuff i do plan on exploring later in the fic!!! This got a little rambly, but i hope this makes sense and answers your questions!!!! :D its a fun little complicated knot that im glad someone has gotten curious enough to ask about!!!!

[willowedhepatica]

Ava falling asleep on Beatrice's shoulder

When Beatrice was a kid she used to go down on bruised knees and pray to God. 

She doesn't know if she really believed in him or not, or if it was just a pursuit for her parents validation. She doesn't know if he ever believed in her. But even then, when she stayed down on the scratchy wooden floor she hoped it would bring her something inexplicable. Something holy.

Even that felt like sinning back then.

The fire cracks and Ava holds a beer up towards the starlit sky as she leans her weight on one shoulder. "To Shannon and Mary for arranging this, I've always wanted to go camping!" 

Camila giggles as Ava takes a swig from the can. Beatrice resists the urge to steady her when she seems to tip a little too far to the left. Ava only straightens, a wonky grin forming on her face as she turns to her. "Want some?"

"You know I don't drink."

"Really, not even when a pretty girl offers?" Ava wiggles her eyebrows and Beatrice's cheeks grow warm. 

Lilith scoffs somewhere from the far left but she isn't paying enough attention to her surroundings for that to matter. That was her first mistake. Because Ava is gorgeous. The flames light up her face and dance across her skin, making her eyes glow. She shifts in place. There's just enough space between them on the wooden log for Beatrice to be able to place a hand between them. "I- you're not..."

Before Beatrice can sputter any further Ava bumps her on the shoulder. "I'm just messing with you, Bea. Would be cool seeing a nun drink though." 

She nods meekly. Digs her nails into the palm of her hand. "Yeah." She doesn't want to remember that part of her right now. Not when she's here. Not with Ava.

She is everything Beatrice isn't. Wild, carefree and bubbly as if everything would burst if she held it between her ribcage for too long. Her cargo jacket, ripped and mended together with all kinds of patches in yellow green and red, hung loose from one of her shoulders and revealed a black tank top underneath. Ava didn't seem like she had noticed. Beatrice had. Damn it she had. How could she possibly have not?

The fire cracks. Everyone is laughing about something, probably Mary because Ava has challenged her to a drinking game and Mary is leaning in like she was born for this moment.

Beatrice simply watches. They are used to her being quiet. 

After two shots Ava sways towards her, arm pressing into her own as she whispers. "You alright?" 

The skin where she makes contact burns. Her whole body tingles. Her voice comes out like a single breath. "Yeah." 

"Okay." 

Beatrice's eyes shoot down to her hand. Ava is playing with her fingers, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles. She shudders. The chatting around them feels distant.

"Are you cold?" Ava continues, still close. Still tracing her fingers over her skin.

"I'm fine. The fire is warm." 

Ava laughs. Beatrice blushes again, jaw tightening. 

"Here." Ava says as she starts taking her jacket off, quite clumsily but doing it nonetheless.

"Ava, no, you need to stay warm."

"Yeah yeah, I know. I can catch a cold or whatever." She rolls her eyes, but not mockingly, just knowing. In a way that could only be done between people who had known each other for a while. She'd only known her for a couple months, Beatrice reminds herself. She shouldn't feel like this--

Ava scoots closer, slides her jacket over her shoulder and adjusts it, keeping her arm there. "There, now we can both stay warm." 

Beatrice tenses, looks around to see if anyone is watching. They aren't, surprisingly so. Beatrice believes they are sparring them, at least for now. Ava doesn't seem to care at all. In fact, she is only watching her. "This is okay right?" 

It isn't the first time Ava's done this. Beatrice has learned from the short time she's known her that she's a physical person. Always in need to reach out, feel the world around her. As if though she is afraid it might disappear. Afraid it wouldn't be real. Beatrice has never been fond by touch but Ava-- Ava made it feel sacred. Like the creation of fire sparked from the simplicity of it. 

She allows herself to relax into it. Into Ava's side. "Yes, yeah it's okay."

Ava answers by letting her head fall on her shoulder, buries her face into her neck and hums. "You smell nice."

God she wishes the others weren't here right now. 

"Do I?"

"Yea." Ava mumbles, lips tickling across her skin. "Smells like pine."

"Pine." She mutters uselessly, mouth dry and heart beating out of her chest. 

Ava draws closer, eyes closed. "Mhm, it's like, you're one with the forest. Or something. Like the werewolves." Beatrice can feel her break into a smile.

She turns her head just enough to glance down at her. "Did you just compare me to a werewolf?" 

Beatrice isn't able to hide the amusement from her voice, especially not when Ava starts to giggle, her entire body shaking with her laughter. "You would be a great werewolf." 

Beatrice doesn't know how to answer that but it doesn't really matter. Ava is dozing off, arm slipping from her shoulder to land loosely behind her back. Beatrice adjusts herself slowly, careful not to disturb her. 

If this is sinning she didn't want to be right. If anyone told her this is anything but holy, she wouldn't believe them. How could anything that felt like this be wrong? 

[trans-axolotl]

What do you do if you're highly recommended HLOC for eating disorders but for reasons both financial and personal you can't do that? I also don't have consistent access to therapy or regular healthcare either, despite having state insurance and a therapist. It's getting really scary for me but HLOC is just not something I'm capable of doing.

Hi, anon <3

That's a really hard situation to be in, and I know how overwhelming it can be to try to navigate eating disorder care and HLOC, especially when these resources aren't accessible or financially feasible. I can completely understand how scary eating disorders can get, and how challenging it can be to even get the energy to reach out for support.So definitely kudos to you for still trying to figure all this out despite all the difficulties. You deserve support and care in whatever ways make sense for you and your life right now, and I hope that you have the room to process any feelings you might be having.

Something that has been helpful for me to hold onto during my eating disorder recovery journey has been harm reduction values and frameworks. I know for me, the thought of recovery was incredibly scary, and rigid treatment frameworks didn't feel sustainable or accessible at all. Trying to make goals around doing any positive change, reminding myself that I didn't have to wake up and change everything in one day, accessing practical harm reduction tips for how to keep myself medically stable even if I wasn't ready to stop using behaviors, and setting more realistic goals around reducing frequency or severity of behaviors rather than trying to confront everything at once helped. Nalgona Positivity and Pride is an organization that has some really cool resources around eating disorders and harm reduction, and also hosts a monthly support group for POC with eating disorders. Engaging with fat liberation politics and values was also something that was super helpful for me to start undoing some of the really tangled up core beliefs and functions of my eating disorder. (I know that body image is not a relevant part of everyone's eating disorder experience, and I also can share some more specific resources for ARFID or PICA if that's a need.)

I want to really validate that it's completely okay if you don't want to go into HLOC. So often in the eating disorder treatment world, we hear a lot of really rigid statements that try to convince us that HLOC is the only option for healing. I know I felt a lot of shame in eating disorder treatment spaces for not being a "perfect" or "compliant" patient, and dealing with all the coercion when people tried to convince me to go to HLOC was so hard. So just know that it is completely understandable and justifiable that you would have reasons that you're not interested in HLOC, and your autonomy should be respected. I really do believe that there are lots of different ways healing can look like for us, and that all of us are going to be the expert on what would be the most helpful for our own situations. I know I did also feel a lot of grief that there weren't more alternative or easily accessible options, and felt a lot of anger on how alone and panicked I felt when I knew that I couldn't cope with my eating disorder anymore, but didn't want to be institutionalized either. So just really sending love and solidarity your way for whatever you're feeling and going through right now.

One resource that might be helpful is Project Heal, who provides scholarships when insurance isn't enough to cover eating disorder treatment. I don't know if you would be interested in IOP or PHP if that was made financially accessible, but Project Heal might be able to help make that happen if you do want to go down that route. I don't know if you're at all interested in virtual treatment, but I do know a couple people who have successfully just gotten scholarships from Equip eating disorder treatment when they explained their financial need. Quite a few eating disorder treatment centers will have scholarships programs that aren't advertised, and it's sometimes worth calling treatment programs and asking to see what can be done.

If any formal treatment is not an option, it might be helpful to try to make a really intentional plan about how you might want to approach this within your individual support network. Understanding why your providers are recommending a HLOC, whether it's because they think you need medical stabilization, weight restoration, being in a secure environment for behavior interruption, access to meal support five times a day, or something else, might help to focus on priorities and goals. Whether or not you agree with their interpretation of your situation, it might be helpful to sort of figure out what your more urgent priorities are right now so that you can make a plan for what your next couple weeks/months look like. I'm not sure if that's something that your therapist could help with or not, but making a plan with them or someone else from your support network might help to provide a bit of a way forward.

I know some people who have really tried to do a "treatment at home model" where with support from their friends/family/partner, they've set up a more intentional environment where they've made some specific goals, asked friends/family to provide meal support at specific times throughout the day, and done therapy/journaling/art/healing work at times throughout the day. I know that a lot of this stuff depends on what supports you do have in your life currently, and whether you can take time off work/school, or how other disabilities can play into whether things like meal prep and cooking are even accessible at all. But I know some people who've found it really helpful to try to really just set aside time to focus solely on eating disorder coping, even doing some things like copying schedules from treatment programs and doing that in their house. That might be too overwhelming or not a viable option, which is totally valid. But if you want to try to brainstorm what a plan like this might look like, definitely feel free to send another ask with some more specifics and I'm happy to try to help with some of that brainstorming.

When I was really struggling with my eating disorder before I ended up in a HLOC, what I tried to do was have some sort of eating disorder support every day of the week. I think it's so hard to heal in isolation, and a really important step can just be trying to start to create some way of accessing community. What that looked like for me was going to like four different eating disorder support groups a week through different organizations, and accessing support from a recovery coach. Recovery coaches are usually people who have gone through the process of eating disorder recovery, and a lot of people might be in school for their license as counselors or dietitians. They can provide meal support several times a week, do things like go grocery shopping with you or do challenging food exposures. It's more informal than therapy, but can provide some more of that material support. If you're interested in that, I know several providers who provide sliding-scale services and are really willing to make things accessible. I can't share their names publicly for privacy reasons, but if you send in an ask off anon or dm me I'm happy to send you their information.

I also went to support groups through FEDUP, the Eating Disorder Foundation, and ANAD. There are several different groups that happen at different times virtually throughout the week, and some are identity specific while some are open to anyone. Those can be an awesome source of peer support and people can provide really helpful feedback and advice or help you talk through specific challenges you're having.

Overall, I just want to affirm that whatever steps you are able to take to take care of yourself and engage with your eating disorder recovery are worth celebrating. This stuff can be so difficult, and even small steps you can take to try to stabilize, reach out for support, making a small goal, are all amazing accomplishments. Sending love and solidarity during this difficult time, and please feel free to reach out again with any more specific questions or even just to vent. Truly wishing you the best of luck <3

Any followers who have relevant knowledge of other resources or helpful tips, please feel free to add on.

[the-shadowsingers-whore]

warning: i'm about to be controversial

so i very rarely talk about controversial acotar opinions (i.e. gwynriel vs elriel) outside of mumblings in my own tags bc i don't really feel like arguing with people. i'm just here to have a good time and talk about books, but for some reason the acotar fandom can get real heated (and low key toxic) sometimes.

that being said....

i can't not talk about nesta.

i know so many people do not like acosf and absolutely hate nesta, but honestly i think her character is so real and validating to a lot of people.

yes, her behavior in acosf (and also acofas) is absolutely not okay and she is horrible to so many people. and while that's not cool in any regards you have to remember: she is suffering

her entire life was turned upside down and then she went through a shit ton of traumatic, gruesome events all in like a month or two. she didn't even have time to come to terms with her new body/new world before she experienced some of the worst things possible (not to count the terrifying powers she knows she has, but doesn't know how to control).

so she reacts by coping in horrible ways. as people do before they learn how to handle their trauma in healthy ways.

and before you come at me and say "well everyone else has experienced trauma and didn't act like that" i would like to remind you that all of them have had their moments before finally starting to heal. elain turned into a shell of a person, not eating or doing anything for months. cassian literally slaughtered dozens of people and decimated an entire village when he found out what happened to his mom.

i'm not excusing her behavior in any way shape or form. but i have such a deep appreciation for the way her character is written and how much she struggles to heal. the inside look into her thoughts and feelings is so validating.

i think a lot of people felt so seen reading some of things nesta thinks about herself/her life (i know i did). here are just a couple examples of times when i was reading that i actually had to stop for a moment bc the words hit a little too hard.

"i am worthless and i am nothing. i hate everything that i am. and i am so, so tired. i am tired of wanting to be anywhere but in my own head." acosf p. 78

she had failed in every aspect of her life. utterly and spectacularly failed, and keeping other from realizing it had been her main purpose. she had shut them out, had shut herself out, because the weight of all those failures threatened to shatter her into a thousand pieces." acosf p. 267

"it scared her more than anything. that utter lack of feeling. how good it had felt, to be so removed." acosf p. 383

like.......damn.

also i know she was a pos to feyre both growing up and throughout most of the books. she's absolutely terrible to her. but, i would like to just point out that people change. and watching her slowly realize her mistakes and start to rebuild her relationship with feyre throughout acosf is really beautiful.

anywhooo i know this post is getting really long, but basically all of this is just to say that i think having a character like nesta is so important to a lot of people. i truly appreciate how sjm writes her characters to be real people with real experiences (minus the magic and horribly gruesome torture) that her readers can relate to.

thanks for actually reading this whole post and if you still don't like nesta that is totally fine (everyone has a right to their own opinions), but please don't bombard me with hate. this is just meant to be me sharing my own thoughts and feelings. 💜

[magpiemirroring]

Seeing some transguys in the notes being like "i don't want to be read as a girl" and as a NB/genderweird person with a female-shaped body who sometimes wishes I was a lot more guy-ish for Fashion Reasons, I feel you. If I want to fuck with the gender binary, frills and skirts aren't gonna work. Nor are they gender-affirming on my more "guy" days. Of course, I can be a guy and wear a skirt, but sometimes to feel like a guy in Society, I gotta dress in a way normal folks will read as masculine.

The posts above are not about you or me, though. Someone using "a male" to refer to themself is mostly likely the type of guy who refers to women as "females" and views men and women as nearly separate species. The post above are addressing cis dudes who should take some time to consider the sort of open door goth fashion has provided to clothes and genders they never considered. Cis guys who should prepare to get comfy with "guys in skirts and makeup" as a part of their subculture that they need to respect (and maybe bring back and enjoy!) And also, reminding us all about some goth fashion history!

To pivot back to the transmen and NB folk, now, yeah, "guys used to be bullied for wearing 'girl' clothing" does not feel gender-affirming and is too close to the experiences some of us have trying to pass or just play with gender. That can feel dangerous. Not everyone is ready to stick up a middle finger at society as they stomp around in studded boots and a lacy skirt bedecked with with belts. You don't have to wear stuff like that to be goth. It's an option. And one you might not take for day to day life, for school, for the doctor's office, for work (I sometimes refer to my old Day Job clothes as "work drag" for a reason, lmao). But maybe when you're checking out your local goth or goth adjacent scene, you might do a vibe check to see how cool they are about genderweirdness and genderlessness of clothes. Maybe you play with fashion just there. That's okay too. You don't have to dress Maximum Goth 24/7 to be counted as goth!

I love looking at goth fashion that's a mish-mash of "gendered" pieces! I love looking at beautiful pictures of creatures of the night who have transcended gender roles and are just persons of a mysterious and indistinct gender (as Fallen London would put it)! I think more dudes should wear skirts in general. I'd love for fashion to be more permissive for guys outside of friendly subculture spaces.

But, I'm NB. And I get that's not always a gender-affirming or safe fashion space for every transman! And we can both struggle to find fashion that validates our masculine and goth natures.

I adore when masculine fashion leans into sumptuous textures and fabrics and softer silhouettes and longer hair and shiny accessories! But it's hard having a body or a face where that reads as "femme, but with pants" when you are hoping to look more like a decadent and mysterious count, or a byronic gentleman of a bygone age.

I see you guys. I get it even if my experience if off to the side a bit. Sometimes the last thing we want to do is to wear a skirt again, even if some guys do rock a skirt and maybe more guys should try skirts! I get having a gut reaction to these posts that's like "Okay, but if I did this, it would be bad! Why was my experience not considered!" You gotta slow down and consider if that was deliberate though. Who was this post aimed at? Would pointing out the transguy or NB guy experience would detract from the intent of the post actually? While transmen are men, not every post about men will include you because cis men do have a different experience of masculinity than you do. And some cis guys will look at a post that references other gender experiences or trans guys and immediately decide it's no longer for them. So if you wanna aim a pithy little comment about goth masculinity used to be much more okay with guys-in-skirts at cis guys, you can't detour to talk about the nuances of trans and nb fashion in relation to the gender binary, okay?

Now, please go forth and be spooky in whatever fashion makes you happy, my fellow goths!

r/goth like "how do i dress goth as a male" goth men used to wear women's clothes and got bullied for being too feminine. Continue doing that

[totuteddybooks]

My Body by Emily Ratajkowski - A Review

Vanity by John William Waterhouse

This book is indeed about her body. It's about her discomfort with the way women's bodies are a means of achieving power and status, yes, when they are deemed as sexy and therefore good, but that makes people respect women less as people with brains. the concept isn't a new one, but much of what she talks about is very relatable.

There was actually a part where she talks about this anxiety (the anxiety of knowing your looks are so important for perceived value yet a barrier for being respected) and how one day she posted a photo of herself in a bikini to Instagram. She was at this fancy hotel as part of a promotional thing the hotel were doing, invited so she could take photos of herself there and increase their reach (it worked, the photo got 500k likes in an hour). In this chapter, she actually tells us the caption she put on the photo, and of course I had to see if it was still up. It was, and she looks so good in that photo, so it was cool to see how that very day she had been feeling shit about herself as a model and how people ultimately don't take her seriously. It made me question whether I have the same biases. What do I think about when I see a model looking effortless? For one, I feel jealousy. I think I would also see her as less smart than if it was a photo of a more modestly dressed woman with glasses, for example, which is another thing she brings up in that chapter.

the chapter on her mother always calling her beautiful also resonated with me, because so did mine. the vibe of it being like 'you got that from me' i have also experienced. the key thing here though is that it's in that kind of conditioning that the little girls that hear that stuff experience the birth of a belief that every woman lands at at some point in her life: your looks matter, and they matter more than they do for men. again, nothing ground-breaking, but relatable nonetheless.

the chapter on her mother always calling her beautiful and putting an emphasis on it also resonated with me, because so did mine. i learnt early on that beauty was something i should be grateful for, that it matters for women and definitely more than for men. but this compliment always feels a little like a threat, like not everyone has it therefore it should be guarded in some way. it felt validating to hear someone else describe an experience i had also had.

i also related to the high school chapters. the way she describes wanting to fit in matched my experience to a t, yet she's a model and i am not. it just shows that the insecurities we perceive only ourselves to have are had even by women whose prettiness earns them money.

and of course, the blurred lines chapter. i think that chapter summarised really well what happens when we think that we can be empowered - truly empowered, shameless in our bodies - only for that to be shattered by one 'small' thing, reminding us that we do in fact live in a man's world. in intentionally women's only spaces, however, this sense of power can exist, but in an internal way - the power to nourish your body in the senses, not from the level of appeal you provide for outside eyes. this reminds me of that lake in london which is strictly women only, where you can sunbathe without any peeping toms. or those women only raves. we have to carve out those spaces though, they don't already exist naturally.

i realise i have not been reviewing the chapters in order, but from here on I will begin to cover what i haven't already. the chapter about how her nude images were sold as 80,000 dollar art and printed into not one but THREE books made my blood boil. what i love about the way emily reflects on experiences is that there is a lot of shit in her life, a lot of feeling not good enough and dissatisfied with herself, which is extremely relatable *sigh*. but then when she rounds up the chapter and shares her final thoughts on the topic, they're not fake positive. they're matter of fact, like 'this is what it is' and 'i'll try my best to control what i can, even if there's loads i can't control'.

if i was to summarise this book in a painting, it is the one that sits above this review. 'Vanity' is a 1910 painting depicting a woman looking at herself in a mirror, and John Waterhouse, the painter, seems to think she is vain for doing so. But they are both looking at her, yet her act of looking is demonised. She might be thinking 'oh how pretty I look' but that is vanity coming from her, while from him it's acceptable. this is what this book gives: emily is a woman whose looks have gotten her far, but there are so many instances in her life where men have taken her images, made more money off of them (without permission!!!), and then demeaned her in public. that's why the endings of her chapters aren't like 'but now im happy and love myself! hooray!' they aren't that because the situations she has found herself in are dire, no two ways about it, and her peace has come only because she chose to find it.

the final chapter actually made me tear up. through all the self-doubt and self-criticism she has subjected herself to throughout her life, emily experiences a moment in which she is deeply proud of her body even thought she red, puffy, swollen and unkempt-looking. this is during her childbirth. it's a really lovely ending because, again, she doesn't paint the picture that ~all is okay now <3~ because she is a mother. but the tenderness with which she describes that moment of seeing how her body - the one that has given her so much grief her whole life - can do an incredible thing by pure instinct, made me so happy for her.

in this chapter she also talks about a rage throwing session set up by her therapist after they she shares that she doesn't let herself get angry. in the session, she has to throw a jar against a wall. she says 'i imagine someone looking out their window to see a skinny woman throwing an object at a brick wall. Pathetic, I repeat in my head'. when she gets out of her head, however, she is shocked to see how hard she hit the wall. this bit was so relatable i could have written it. i too have trouble expressing anger, and it is also that foreign to me that i would think others looking on would think 'wth is that skinny girl trying to do there, ooh so scary with those skinny little arms'. then she shares a scene of her, her friend and her husband going out for a bike ride. halfway through she starts to get red and sweaty because they take a shortcut through a forest where the terrain is uneven. when her friends make it to the asphalt bit eventually, they wait for her, greeting her with warm smiles. she realises no matter how red and sweaty she gets, her people don't care. 'my eyes welled with tears. I wanted to cry out "Thank you!" What a joy life can be in this body.' this moment was also really cute for me, because i too have had moments like that when i realise that all the worrying i'd done about my appearance on a certain day didn't matter because i got to share moments with people i loved, regardless of how much i'd judged myself earlier.

all in all, this book is very relatable and i can't wait to reread parts of it whenever i decide to pick up again. it captures the female experience really well, or at least it did for me. i doubt any of the men who have treated her badly will read this book and, if they do, i doubt they will get it. but that's the point: peace, with our bodies and ourselves, our control and our power, is found within ourselves. society will catch up when it does.

[twilightsystemblog]

Alters & Birthdays

Hello, we are the Twilight System and since our body’s birthday is coming up soon (or has already passed by the time we make this post) we thought that it would be a cool idea to make a post about alters in Systems who have birthdays or celebrate their date of appearance.

 You may be wondering if it’s even possible if alters have birthdays separate from the time of birth the body was born and the answer is- yes! It is entirely possible! Just like they can have their own favorite colors and preferences, they could also have a time of birthday or date of birth that correlates with them better! Some alters may not have or even be interested in celebrating a birthday, and that is also valid! Either way, the alter’s birthday should be as important as the birth of the body and vice versa for they deserve to feel accepted and loved by everyone in the system. I will list some ways in which you can celebrate if you wish to do so, some may be safe to do even if you’re not truly safe and others are more suggested to do in a private or safe space. We do not want anyone to be harmed if they do not have a means to celebrate birthdays others do not recognize or are safe to be celebrated.

Some Ways to celebrate an alters birthday are: 

Make them a cake!

 A nice way to wish an alter a happy birthday is to make them or buy them a cake! It can be in your or their preference or a compromise between all parties. Cakes are always favored by a lot of our littles and some sweet tooth cravers in our System and are also quite simple to get access to or simply make. If you or your alter cannot have or make a cake, try cupcakes or any other snacks they may enjoy! Your alter may appreciate the thought that was placed in the first place. 

Buy/Make them a Gift!

Gifts are a great way to express your appreciation for alters or generally anyone you care for. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant if you cannot afford it, just something that reminds you of them. For example, if your alter enjoys butterflies, perhaps a photo or even painting of a butterfly may help them feel validated and accepted by you and other members of your system.

Hang out with Friends/ Support Groups!

Hanging out with your friends may be beneficial for an alter who might not want much attention on their birthday or date of appearance, they may just enjoy spending time with people they care about the most and may appreciate a day where friends or support groups who know about them can enjoy their time together. 

Write it out

This suggestion would be perfect for those who can’t really celebrate or don’t want to out themselves as a system yet but still want to celebrate with their alters. Writing in a journal, blog, server or anything like that could be a really good way to help them feel accepted into the world without drawing much attention to anyone else.

We hope that we have given some ideas to help, let us know in the comments if you have any other suggestions we couldn’t think about and other ideas for a blog post. We also would like to thank everyone for 100 subscribers on YouTube, hitting this milestone was not expected since we just made this channel for fun, for the purpose of documenting our own thoughts and something to help us remember really important information we might need later. But, if you do want to see something from us, please feel free to comment and suggest it, we will try our best to make a video for it

[gggoldfinch]

this is in regards to the neurodivergent post you made:

every point you made is so valid. i just had to make sure you knew that first and foremost. you should never feel the need to fit in someone else's box of who they think you are, even if that's your own parents. as a fellow undiagnosed neurodivergent, I think it's so interesting to see how we all just, like, know? that you're a little different from the others? and when you're growing up, knowing that can make life really fucking hard. you mentioned you were the subject of interest to a lot of malicious intent from other people (I'm assuming kids you grew up with/went to school with) because you were considered "weird". to that, I say you are very brave and I hope you were able to accept whatever weirdness they accused you of and learn to love it. growing up, my own mother was kind of obsessed with me fitting in with the other kids (it was mostly to make herself look good, I can see that now) and because I was that extremely quiet and obedient child, I locked away any "weirdness" that lingered within me in order to appease her (and i still do). my mother was also as hyperaware of this weirdness I was prone to and would actively stomp on it before it happened (taking an intrest in movies? nope. music? not happening. etc etc etc) it's a terrible feeling and I wish she would have just left me to it and had more of an open mind or something, even if it meant I was picked on (more than I already was) because of it. as I've entered adulthood though, that weirdness is coming back and it's scary as fuck to acknowledge but it also feels like coming back to your body after years of being absent from it. and! another thing I've learned! being neurodivergent (to whatever degree) can be so special, too. you obsess over things, big and small (me too!), and you are able to find so much joy from those things as a result. does everyone get to find that degree of joy? probs not. you mentioned your tendency to cycle through hobbies and interests fast, especially if you don't become a pro at them immediately. even still, it looks like you've managed to find a few hobbies/interests that you've found you have a knack for, like creating art and writing (both of which, I must say, you are pretty talented at. autism be damned, eh?). that is such a special thing to find out about yourself in life! and chances are, you probably found out you were good at both by doing neurodivergent-y things, right? my point is, embrace the weirdness, girly. own that shit. it can lead to many good things in life, too. maybe you don't need that as advice, but let it be a reminder, at the very least.

I want to end this by thanking you for your post, and I'm sorry if this got a little sappy. seeing someone else write about their experiences as an undiagnosed neurodivergent healed a part of me that I thought was doing it (life) all wrong. you know that feeling when you'll be surrounded by people just doing their regular mundane people-y things and you have this overwhelming notion that they all know something (something entirely inherent, that we should all just know) that you simply don't? they get it, but you don't. but also, in the same breath, there are things you understand with every brain cell that exsits in your noggin and every bone you have in your body, yet when you try to connect with the Normal Person™️ about it, they come up short and equivalate you to an alien? ya, that shit's confusing as fuck. HOWEVER, every once in a while you come across a person that DOES finally get it, and you feel a lot less like said alien. you, my friend (even though I don't know you really), have been this person for me. so thank you. I hope I didn't put you to sleep with all of that, and maybe some of it made sense (?)

to summarize: stay weird, you're cool as fuck. the childhood trauma you get from having to go through this stuff isn't ideal for your mental wellbeing, but if you can get through that, I'm sure you're pretty well-suited to get through anything from here on out (not the best advice ik but it's what I've found out so far). plus, you'll always have your special guys to help you along the way 🙈 (aka Copia and Aether and Starscream and your Rammstein guys and the insanely hot vampire priest you were posting about a lil while ago, and the list goes on) ok I'll stop now ILY!!

Anon I love you so much this made me feel so seen and loved and not crazy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I’m so happy my stupid shitpost rant resonated with you; us weird aliens gotta stick together in these Times Of Turmoil fr.

Thank you so much for this ask, I keep rereading it 🥺 idk what else to say aagghhhh ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[dzpenumbra]

3/23/23

Palindrome day, cool! For Americans, at least. I have to remind myself that not everyone uses the same measures and languages. Something we all should remember, I guess.

I started the day with a yoga practice that was way above my level. Like... my legs were actually giving out. My quads are just... I guess they're just not as strong as they used to be. Same with my abs. It's weird. I mean, I'm hardly active, I know... but... I have been skating... and doing yoga every day for.. almost 3 entire months straight now.

It's not going out into the woods and hiking around barefoot every day, combing the rivers for cool stones, moving big rocks to make sculptures and shit. That shit gets you in shape real quick. But I don't know, I feel like I should be in better shape than I am. Maybe it's just part of getting older, I dunno.

So yeah, yoga kicked my ass. But it was good, in the end. I haven't been meditating. I don't know why. Today, it was because I was really hungry, and I just wanted to get food. But when I was in the kitchen, I did dishes and everything, so I definitely had the time. I guess I just... naturally avoid it.

It's not like I wrestle with thoughts as much as I used to. Thank god, that shit was rough. It's still a thing, just... I don't care as much, I can turn the volume down and let the thoughts flow without getting attached a lot of the time. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Honestly, I think the problem is my posture. The problem is my sitting position is really uncomfortable. And it hasn't really been improving. And that's really upsetting me. It's been months. I must be missing something, or just undoing all the good I do in the morning by sitting at the computer or being hunched over at the drafting table all day.

I can't get my knees down, I can't find the right place to hold my weight, I feel like my coccyx just tilts under my body and arches my back when it should be straight, my abs get grumpy that they have to activate at all, and my neck just can't seem to process what a straight line from my pelvis to my heart to my head even looks like. I, of course, am trying to sort this all out with... no mirror, just visualization. But it feels like I'm just bent and contorted in all kinds of hunched over shapes. And it's very hard to find a place to sit still for 10-15 minutes where I'm not constantly correcting my body position. It's tedious. It's hard to focus on solely my breathing when... oops, a knee is raised... okay, now relax the hips, don't need to grip... ok, now your neck is craning, straighten that... okay, relax the face... oooo tension in the hands, relax that a bit... Hardly letting go of thoughts, just focusing on how depressingly out of shape I am. Even without judgment, it's still stressful, it's work!

So yeah... skipped that. Maybe if I get brave enough to go to an in-person yoga class, they'll help me correct that. I mean, that's like... kinda their job. But I think I'm going to wait for the gastric distress to let up before I go there... think that might be a smart idea...

I cut my hair (very overdue), showered and trimmed my beard pretty nicely. I actually watched a video on how to do it, I have never looked it up before, and the instructions from the guy who I was watching were... basically what I already do, which was validating. There were just small alterations, like only bringing the clippers straight down rather than against the grain or following the jawline. I'm thinking of growing it out again, I'm already past an inch, so I might as well... I'll see how it goes.

The bulk of the day again went to working on the hoodie. And it looks fucking sick. It's really starting to take shape. The eternal race-against-time battle of working with acrylics as they progressively dry out and turn into fucking rubber has been... oddly nostalgic. Acrylic was my primary medium in college. So... this isn't foreign, it's just a bit annoying. And it's really on me for just using the paint out of the jar rather than using my palette. But... it's getting really close to finished. The only work left is... the black outlining, the shading, then figuring out with to do with the thin outermost ring, which I might actually embellish, while I'm at it. It might be done tomorrow, might be the day after, not sure.

I've also developed a bit of a process for the new desire path mapping project, which is working well so far. I have 15 runs down already, 10 tracked. It helps a lot using a shorter route. And the routes still have a nice amount of detail to them. The desire path mod does take a bit longer to erode the dirt than I was hoping... Like... a lot. So I have no clue how many of these runs I'm going to have to take before I start seeing some erosion in the wild.

I was considering streaming while I did this, just to share the process, you know? And to tag it as Art rather than Minecraft to keep the children out, so I just... don't have to deal with it. I'm sorry, I just... it's nothing against kids in general, it's just... teens, honestly. I'm not using minecraft in this context to play minecraft, I'm not even really playing with most of the mods I have on, I'm using it as a tool. So... Art feels much more accurate. And if there's some 16 year old looking for Art on Twitch who stumbles across Minecraft... they'll probably be a bit more open-minded than a 16 year old looking for Minecraft on Twitch... and stumbling across this weird art project instead. Just trying to cultivate a vibe, being in the right category can help with that. But... I didn't stream... because I didn't want to depend on chat for entertainment outside of listening to music and walking through the woods. I wanted to listen to someone else's stream or youtube instead. I run into this problem a lot. So... that's just how it went. Tough shit to the zero people who would've been interested in this anyway. Maybe next time!

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm even going to do with the end product. This piece is very much making itself, and I'm just... letting it happen. And the end result is actually looking pretty damn cool, I really like the designs. Here's the progress so far:

I have no idea where I could do this... but I'd be interested in doing it IRL as well someday. With GPS tracking, I had a hiking app that did that, it just mapped where you hiked. It's an exciting prospect, but I would need to find the right area, and I don't know how that would go, or how safe it really is to do a project like that without someone... knowing where I am.

The idea, for anyone coming into this late, is to basically capture the process of... exploring, getting lost, learning, and gaining orientation. It's a visual demonstration of what it looks like from a birds eye view as one gets lost and wanders between two points. Tracking their entire path, step by step and rendering it on a map as a line, like a GPS route. They travel from point A to point B with only general directions of how to get there. Over time, landmarks are recognized, routines are built, the wandering gets less and less. And, in turn, a path starts to form, as the ground becomes well traveled. I'm calling it a desire path project, even though the focus isn't so much about desire paths as it is... just paths in general. But whatever. It's working well in minecraft, but I'd love to try it in real life sometime. But again, the stakes for willingly getting lost in the woods when you have no friends or family and no one knows or cares where you are are... quite high. So... Maybe I'll put it off for a bit, pop that on the back burner.

So yeah, that was about it. My ex kept popping into my head today, I really don't know why. Maybe something reminded me of her. And not in a good way, like... reminders of the secrets she kept from me, that I naively looked past. That kinda shit. And I had a big emotional overwhelm moment with remembering Maxine today. Which hit me really hard and had me sitting on the floor in the bathroom crying. Grief sucks. My girls really were my world, they were my family. I miss them so much, it's crazy how different my life is now without them.

Yeah, not an insanely exciting day, not a ton went on, I guess in a way I can be grateful for that. Very productive though. I'm really excited for how this hoodie is coming along, I'll share the final state of the back piece when it's ready in a few days.

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

Ok but ur post about chubby chaser!Ukai Keishin is so valid bestie

Like he's a creep with it too. Always wanting to hold the chub and trying to climb into your skin (like yo chill). He pulls all the stops to just get a taste. And you know he eats it like heon have no home trainin

BABY I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG FOR ME TO GET TO!! My brain has been all over the place ever since my coworker quit and I've been taking on more hours ✌😔 I got way too carried away with this, forgive me sksksk

CW: chubby fem reader, smut, not beta read bc i'm a monster sksksk

Keishin is a goddamn menace when it comes to chubby gals

And it's like?? A shock? Like nobody expects this former athlete star to turn into a fucking dog whenever a curvy girl shows up

Lemme back up a bit and explain sksksk

Keishin was fairly popular in high school and college, especially after the dyed hair and piercings

He was always seen as a cool, chill dude, and he ended up being confessed to a fair amount of times

He was able to date everyone he was interested in, and he was pretty content for a while

Until he saw a curvy girl for the first time

So Japan isn't really known for it's chubby population

It's just not as common, yk?

Bc of this, Keishin didn't really interact with chubby women his age

Most overweight ppl were older and reminded him of his parents, so he was never attracted to them

I imagine the first time he sees a chubby woman is when he's on a date with a random girl

They went to an arcade and the two of them were having a good time

Keishin went off to get some more coins and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a gorgeous curvy woman leaning over a pinball machine, wearing tight jeans and a crop top

He could see everything, every curve, every roll, every bit of pudge squishing against her clothes, threatening to burst

She wasn't alone; she was with some other girls who were cheering her on, so he didn't really have a chance to approach her, but the image of her body was ingrained in his brain

He didn't realize he was staring until he felt drool run down his chin jesus fucking christ dude get a napkin good lord

He didn't go on a second date with the girl he was with; he knew he would never be able to go back to the average skinny girls he had dated in the past

OK BUT LISTEN, HE WENT HOME RIGHT AFTER THE DATE AND LOOKED UP PORN WITH CHUBBY BEAUTIES AND JERKED OFF LIKE 3 TIMES

He is straight up obsessed from that day forward

And the chubby chaser is born sksksksk

Problem now is that he's attracted to a body type that not many ppl have

So he suffers for a while

He meets chubby reader later on and is whipped from the moment he sees them

He's willing to do anything, i mean anything, to get with you

You're an absolute goddess in his eyes and he's ready to worship at your temple aodjkajdls

ANYWAYS

Yk how Keishin seems cool and ppl headcanon him as being "daddy" material and being super smooth and sexy and blah blah blah

Ok well they're wrong sksksk

Keishin is a dweeb and cant flirt even if his life depended on it

He's a big nerd deep down and is not smooth in any way when he's around his crush

So get ready to watch him blush and stutter and stumble and fuck up bc he's so focused on you that he can't do anything right while you're around

He'll drop boxes, fall out of his chair when he tries to lean back, his hand will slip off the counter and he'll fall

He's just so down bad that he's a mess

You've only seen him like this so u assume that's how he always is and don't notice the weird behavior

But his friends do 👀

Enter wingmen Takinoue and Shimida

They have a much easier time talking to you while Ukai's over here about to throw up bc you're wearing a goddamn sundress and he can't take it

They get to know you and the three of you become good acquaintances Keishin feels so left out and he's so distraught yall skskks

The two of them think you and Keishin would make a great couple, so they essentially set yall up sksksk

They ask a bunch of questions beforehand (what kind of guy are you into, what are your fav hobbies, are you interested in dating someone, etc)

Tbh you're wondering if they're trying to have some kind of poly relationship with you bc they just won't leave the topic of dating alone

But then one day you walk into Ukai's store and the two of them are there, basically arguing with Keishin

Takinoue: "Y/N! See, she's here, so let's ask her—"

Keishin: "Wait, don't—"

Shimida: "Hey, Y/N, what do you think of Kei? Be honest: would you go out with him?"

K: "Stop—"

T: "We know he's a total dweeb, but he's pretty cool, right?"

K: "Please—"

S: "He's got a stable job, he takes care of his parents, he's great with kids."

K: "Don't—"

T: "Plus he's been crushing on—"

Ukai hits Takinoue in the back of the head before he can finish, making the second man yell

T: "Dude, what the hell?!"

K: "Just shut up already!"

Poor dumb Kei is as red as a tomato 🥺💕

He's such a cutie pie when he acts like this and you just can't help yourself

"Yes... i would go out with him 👉👈"

T: 😯

S: 😯

K: 😳 "...Really? 🥺"

Omg he's so cute jesus christ

Timeskip: yall go on a date (it's literally so cute, yall went to a movie and ate dinner at a little foodstand and walked around and talked after and you gave him a lil kiss on the cheek and he got this big goofy dumbass grin and he was all blushy and AAAAAAAAAA JUST WANNA MARRY HIM) and soon enough you make it official and start dating 😊💕

Honestly such a sweet boyfriend 🥺💕

He works a lot, but he does his best to spend weekend evenings with you, just hanging out and watching movies and cuddling up on the couch

He'll always bring you your favorite snacks from his shop

You always tell him that he doesn't have to, but he insists

I mean, you're his girlfriend! He's gonna take care of you 🙄

He's such a simp tbh

You could be slouched on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt eating chips and he's all "💕💕💕 my queen 💕💕💕"

You're literally the prettiest woman he's ever seen and that's never gonna change

He's alsooooo super obsessed with your curvy body 🥴

Better clear your schedule bc he's gonna spend as much of his possible freetime manhandling your chubbiness

He was very respectful of your boundaries in the beginning, and once he got consent he was ALL OVER YOU

And he still is skskks

He is so obsessed with your ass good lord

Rubbing it, squeezing it, smacking it, biting it

Hell, he'll use it as a pillow if he's in the mood

It doesn't matter how big it is: he wants it in his hands asap

Next favorite place is your tits

They are just so soft and squishy and just looking at them gets him hard

He likes all the stretch marks on them 💕

Traces over them before he takes your nipple in his mouth, moaning while he sucks it

Begged you to let him titty-fuck and he was overjoyed when you allowed it

Thrusting between those pretty titties before cumming all over your cute round face?

There's nothin better

Well... maybe one thing

The part of your body he loves the most is definitely your pussy (obviously)

He will BEG you to sit on his face, like he NEEDS it!!

"he eats it like heon have no home trainin" SHUT UP ALSGAKSFJKSDFJ ISTFG I'M SCREAMINGGGGGG, THAT'S LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER READ, NOTHING WILL TOP IT

No no no, but you said it perfectly

*insert "do you eat pussy like that" meme here*

Im talkin slobberin, slurpin, suckin, moanin like a goddamn WHORE while he eats the kitty

He's always loved eating ppl out, but everyone else's is like chopped liver compared to the beef wellington that is your chubby pussy aldhaldjls

He legit DEVOURS you any chance he gets, like he practically unhinges his jaw and engulfs your pussy

He'll hold you down for an hour, getting drunk off of the taste of you, turning to putty in between your legs

LORD AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON WHEN HE FUCKS YOU—

Mans can never hold back his moans when he slips into you, like he gets so loud to the point where the neighbors hafta hit your wall to warn ya to quiet down

Keishin cant help it tho!! Your pussy is so plump and soft and his dick throbs every time he catches a glimpse of your pussy lips dragging against his cock

You make him so hot and he can't help but thrust into you like a fucking virgin during his first time

Keishin literally worships his chubby girlfriend, treating them like the queen they are and doing everything they ask

You want him to be rough? He'll do it without question. You want him to beg?? He's already on his knees. Want him tied up in the corner while you fuck his friends? I mean, he'll be dying on the inside the whole time but if that's what you really want—

I think you get the point sksksk

Keishin is so over the moon in love with you that he's willing to work three jobs the rest of his life to support you

He'll work 4am to 11pm every single day if it means you're happy

Tbh he's such a simp sksksk like he acts like he doesn't care but the minute you call he's like "what's up babe? How way your day? Need anything? Want me to pick up dinner?" LIKE SKDHLAJDKS JUST SHAMELESS

Idk yall, i just think Keishin loves chubby girls and would treat them the way they deserve to be treated 🤷‍♀️

[tiny-katara]

cilla my beloved not to bother you in the asks again BUT i realized i’ve never seen your LOK thoughts & i’d love to know them! (i just saw ur tags & u mentioned the animated movie probably wouldn’t be any better than lok - agreed - so i assume you’ve seen it, but if u haven’t then feel free to ignore this!)

have a great day my bestie!!

bestie you literally cannot bother me in the asks i don't think it's possible. i love seeing you pop up in them! it makes me so happy <3

if i'm being perfectly honest, i've only seen 3 or 4 episodes of lok, but i do have a vague understanding of the plot and it's such a mess??? some of these things i say could very well be misinformed, so don't hesitate to correct me lol.

honestly i think korra herself is kinda cool. she reminds me a lot of katara tbh because she wants to fight and she's really good at it. her design is cute and i do like her shorter hair as well. i think her little gang is also pretty fun and they all had some good potential. it's also never going to not be funny that korra and asami both date mako and then decide that dating each other is better. also bolin seems like he's a cute little dorky guy, which i whole-heartedly support. they all deserved better characterizations but the overall concepts weren't bad at all.

something about korra that really bothers me is that energybending isn't exclusive to the avatar. it seems pretty dangerous for the average person to use, so i wish that it had just stayed as something the avatar could do to maintain peace when absolutely necessary. it just feels wrong to take a core part of someone's identity. kind of reminds me vaguely of the way our restraints work at the hospital i work at. we consider chemical restraints to be much more severe and intense than like literally tying someone down to the bed because takes their identity and very being away from them. we have some pretty nasty patients here in america and i have never seen us use chemical restraints and my unit has some batshit people. so yeah, something about that whole thing rubs me the wrong way. i think taking away ozai's bending was valid because he had abused it, but that conclusion was far too easy for aang to come to. it is not something that should be taken lightly.

i also hate they solve the airbender crisis by just "now everyone bends" because it just kind of fuels this idea that if you don't have an exceptional skill, you're not as good as other people. like nonbenders have their strengths too??? getting rid of them does not solve the problem, it will only create new weaknesses. becoming too reliant on something that can be taken away is dangerous. we want a functioning society, not a building on the edge of a cliff that will crumble if one little stone chips off.

one of the worst things about korra is how they treat bloodbending though. do you have any idea how fucking useful that could be??? literally life saving. so many zutara fics under like 100k handle bloodbending better than a 4 season show and that's just ridiculous. katara should have been able to hone the skill and find its weaknesses and strengths. it's honestly very ignorant and just shows that they have a very poor understanding of the importance of blood in the body, which i could excuse if they didn't also demonize the skill and treat it as pure evil. i swear part of the point of the oringial show is that no form of bending is inherently good or evil and then they do that??? they don't even have a proper understanding of their own themes.

i don't think i really need to mention that the show is just full of blatant sexism towards katara doesn't get a statute, autonomy, accomplishments, etc. but that happens to all the women??? like where tf is suki??? you're telling me this girl that hijacked an airship and just vanished off the face of the earth??? yeah, i don't think so.

also yue??? she's badass of her own accord--and this a bit of a tangent but yue is a badass in a feminine way. like katara and suki are both feminine and badass, but they're badass bc they'll beat you up in the street if you're out of line. yue is badass in the sense that she is endlessly serene and patient and can calmly take you down without a single rude word. she will not be a pushover even tho she is kind and she is understanding, yet stern with her judgements. she is so cool snd it literally does not make any kind of sense that she is not mentioned or given a statue or any kind of acknowledgment. its literally so ridiculous and infuriating.

toph is treated slightly better, but is still a bad mom and everything surrounding her is just a mess. the fact that the stupid cabbage guy (sorry i don't really like him that much lol) gets his own statue makes my blood boil. like i know it's supposed to be a joke, but it's just a slap in the face because none of our beloved female protagonists get the same respect. it's disgusting.

i really don't even have the strength to get into kata/ang and their children and the damaged relationships and ignored cultural values and all of that, but just know that it's absolutely horrifying that katara had to give so much of the culture and identity she was proud of up for a man. no one should ever have to give up a piece of their identity for their partner.

anyways thanks for the ask bestie <3 you're welcome to drop in anytime i really do love hearing from youuu!!

[sepublic]

At the end of Web of Shadows, Keetongu suggests that the Toa can just as easily retain their Hordika forms and continue embracing them, after learning to reconcile with the ‘beast’ inside. While the Toa say no for their own reasons, I think that’s a really fascinating concept and implication; That there have been Hordika who were able to make peace with their forms and retain their identities, while still making the most of their transformed bodies.

At the very least, it’s a totally feasible idea; Keetongu has the ability to literally see the good and evil in others after all. And I don’t think he suggested this just to ‘test’ the Toa, given this entire film they’ve been pushing against those transformations; I don’t think it’s matter of seeing if they can resist the temptation or not. There IS a sort of ‘temptation’ in giving into one’s primal urges, but aside from that, maintaining a balance with the beast within is also possible, and it’s definitely where the Rahaga are sort of left off before this was changed in the serials.

So yeah, I think that’s a cool idea; That some victims of the Visorak ultimately learned to embrace their Hordika forms, and make the most of them. They don’t want to be cured anymore because to them, there is nothing to be cured; Either because their form brings new abilities, and/or because they’re already comfortable in this body. I guess one could equate it to living with a disability or condition of some kind, although this isn’t one-to-one of course, and depends on individual examples; Some people are genuinely faster and stronger and want that, while still maintaining their minds.

Because let’s be real, some of us would love to be monsters, so it’s cool that the story keeps this open as an option that isn’t necessarily bad for you. And I appreciate Keetongu’s respect for consent here, given this all boils down to one’s relationship and agency over their bodies; Do they intend to reclaim it by returning to their old body, or by embracing the changes? I like it a lot, and I wish we could’ve seen at least one character who went that route of staying Hordika and co-existing with that part of themselves.

At most all I can think of is Vican, who isn’t Hordika but was mutated; But he chose to stay that way as a punishment and reminder to himself. I want to see someone who sticks with their mutation solely because it’s awesome and they genuinely prefer it over their old body! And I’d like to see them framed as not some sort of power-hungry maniac for doing so, as a madman who’d sacrifice their Bionicle equivalent of ‘humanity’ to achieve strength; It’s their choice and it’s a totally valid way of life!

Plus, one can only imagine how the story might’ve changed if at least one Toa chose to remain Hordika; Could they have still imbued Toa power to awaken the Matoran via Rhotuka, and become a Turaga Hordika? Which Toa Mata would most benefit story wise from having a beast mentor- Lewa, given his connection to animals and nature? It’d be ironic yet fitting that Matau, the one who openly complained the most about his mutation and it’s effects on his appearance, would be the one to embrace it in the end...!

And I can see Nuju retaining it, given how he goes on to talk like a Rahi, because he wants to encourage people to put in the effort to communicate with him; Being an animal and having the Matoran overcome this difference anyhow would help that, and be interesting then for the asocial Kopaka. Then there’s Whenua, who loves Rahi, Onewa with his connection to Krahka, and Vakama might keep the Hordika form as a teaching moment for another arrogant Toa leader... When the time comes for him to actually talk about his past of course. In which case everyone forsaking the Hordika mutation might be necessary to hide the truth, so as to avoid questions on someone’s backstory and why the other Turaga aren’t the same.

[kaunis-sielu]

Fire Dogs: 6

Steve pulls Grant’s hand off of your arm then steps in between you and Grant.

“Fawn are you okay?” He asks softly.

“I’m okay,” you assure him and he turns his gaze onto Grant.

“I thought I told you that you were to leave her alone.” His voice is low and furious, “And not only do I find you here, harassing her, putting your hands on her but you’re also telling everyone that she’s an Omega even though you know she doesn’t want people to know.”

“What’s it to you?” Grant sneers and you almost pity him. Steve, externally seems calm but you can feel the rage.

“You’re going to leave Fawn alone. You’re not going to tell anyone else she’s an Omega, you’re going to think she’s a Beta and if you do come across her you’re going to treat her with the respect she deserves.” Grant seems to be fighting the Alpha command, he grits his teeth and sweat starts to form on his brow. You know he won’t beat it though, your knees have practically buckled at the power behind his command. You see why they call him a True Alpha.

“What if I don’t?”

“I’ll kill you. Omega protection laws say that as her Alpha I can defend her in anyway I might need to.” He warns and while Grant pales Steve continues, “Now, you’re going to apologize to Fawn, you’re going to leave her alone and I’m not going to have to remind you again.”

“Sorry Fawn.” You nod then Steve turns him around and gives him a little shove and Grant meanders away from you.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Steve asks turning toward you.

“Yea, are you?” When he looks at you quizzically you clarify, “you were so angry.”

“You could tell?”

“I could feel it.” The slow smile he gives you causes your heart to race.

“Oh Honey,” he breathes pressing his forehead to yours. You can feel his breath slide across your cheek and you sigh softly as you close your eyes. Something wet hits your cheek and you pull away from Steve and look up at the sky as the clouds break.

You’re practically drenched in a matter of seconds,

“Rain! Steve rain!” You cry tilting your head back, a smile stretched across your face as the rain pours down on you. Finally, you’ve been waiting for this rain to knock down the fires and it’s finally here.

But no more fires means no more Steve. Your smile falls off of your face as quickly as it bloomed. “Rain.”

“Honey,” Steve says looking concerned.

“No more fire means no more you.” You choke out and he gently gathers you in to him.

“Shh, we can talk about it. This might not knock out all the fire.”

“But if it does,”

“We figure it out.” He soothes, “dance with me?”

“What?” You ask not moving your head from where it’s pressed to his chest. He takes your left hand gently in his right and puts your right hand up on his shoulder while wrapping his left arm around your back then he starts to sway.

It’s soothing, the way he slowly sways and hums. The rainwater is cool as it falls but you find that you don’t care at least not until it gets chilly.

“You wanna head home?”

“Yes, can, can you sleep with me again tonight?”

“Yea Honey.” You round the car and slide into the passengers seat before Cooper licks your face.

“Thanks Coop. You good boy.” You tell him and Steve starts the car then heads for home. Steve reaches over and offers you one of his hands, which you happily take and leave in your lap. It’s been nearly three weeks at this point and you’re not sure how you’re going to feel when he leaves. You’ve heard that it can be excruciating for an Omega to be without their Alpha but Steve technically isn’t your Alpha.

It’s still raining heavily when you get back home. You and Steve cook dinner together after he showers and you change into something dry. As you eat you talk a little about your day, how your drawings were approved and that printing will start soon. Steve is proud of you, a welcome feeling after Grant.

Your heart sinks when Bucky comes home early.

“Fires look like they’re all out.” He says with a grin and you have to blink away your tears before either man notices. Cooper does notice though and he comes over to you putting his head in your lap. You pet him absentmindedly while half listening to Steve and Bucky talk. They talk about the fire, the rain and when the subject of their trip home comes up you have to leave the room. It makes you too sad to think about them leaving.

You take Cooper out, grabbing the umbrella that you keep by the door on your way out. You don’t fool yourself and think that Steve hasn’t noticed your change in mood or the tears gathering on your eyelashes but you need a moment. You let Cooper run around in the rain, one of his favorite things to do, and you let a few of the tears fall.

You’re so conflicted on what to do. You’re 99% sure that Steve is your Alpha. The one Alpha for you, with how he makes you feel, and how he treats you and the fact that you can feel his emotions are all signs that he’s probably your Alpha. You’d be completely thrilled if he didn’t come from New York. If he wasn’t the True Alpha of his pack. But none of those things are true. He is the True Alpha, he lives in New York City, and you live here.

“Hey,” Steve says quietly from just inside the house. “You okay?”

“I don’t know.” You admit not looking at him,“I wanna be but I don’t know.”

“Wanna talk me through it?”

“I’m just really conflicted. I know in my gut you’re my Alpha, but you live there and I live here and I like it here. I like the smallness, the woods and the mountains. I can’t ask you to move your whole pack, and shouldn’t you being my Alpha be enough? Why isn’t it enough? Is there something wrong me with me?”

“Nothing is wrong with you.” Steve assures you, “all of your feelings and thoughts are completely valid. If it makes you feel any better I know in my gut you’re my Omega. I’ve known since you opened the door. The pack and I will do whatever you need to be happy, no Alpha command needed.”

“I can’t ask you all to move here. How big is your pack?”

“All together around fifty.”

“Fifty! Steve! That’s huge!”

“Why don’t you come to New York with us? You and I can go upstate? See if we can find somewhere that’s close enough to the city but quiet enough for you?”

“I’m scared Steve.”

“Of what?”

“You know the last Alpha I had. What if this doesn’t work and I’ve moved my whole life to the other side of the country?”

“Do you own this place?” You nod, “then keep it. If it doesn’t work you still have a home but if it does we have a vacation place.”

“Would you want me to stop taking my suppressants?”

“If you want to. I know it’s easier to have kids when you’re not on them.”

“You’d want kids with me?”

“I want it all with you Omega. I want the bonding. The marriage. The family. I want all of it.” You’re floored by his admission you finally turn toward him and throw an arm around his neck pulling his lips to yours. Steve is gentle when he pulls your body flush against his, he’s warm and solid against you.

“I’ll come to New York with you. Are you sure you could live outside the city?”

“For you? Yes. Easily and happily.”

“Can we bring Cooper?”

“Of course. Are you gonna be alright traveling with the three of us?”

“Yea. I think I can manage.” You tell him with a smile, “when do you want to leave?”

“I don’t know, I’ve got to talk to Sam and Bucky. I’m sure they’ll wanna get back as much as I do but we have to be sure the fires are out for good. Maybe three days?”

“Okay, you might need to talk me down again. Get me out of my own head.”

“I can do that.” He promises, “you’re sure you want to go?”

“Yes. When I think of being left here without you it fills me with such dread. But I might get nervous about meeting your pack and about being on the east coast in a huge city.”

“The pack is going to love you. You don’t need to worry about that. Can I check your ribs again?”

“I suppose. Come on Cooper!”

“He’s soaked.” Steve says and you glance over at a very muddy Cooper.

“Yea, he loves the rain.” You’ll need to give him a bath before bedtime, luckily he loves bath time almost as much as he loves the rain. “I’ll have to give him a b-a-t-h. He loves them and will lose his mind when I say the word.”

“Ah.” Steve gives you a little half smile, “want help?”

“Only if you’re ready to get drenched again.”

“Bring it on.”

“Hey Cooper, wanna take a bath?” You say and as promised loses his mind barking and dancing around you excitedly. You let him in and he bolts downstairs.

Steve helps you give Cooper a bath and as you predict you’re both completely soaked by the time you’re done.

“Who got a bath? You two or Cooper?” Bucky teases as you and Steve go past him in the living room.

“Cooper, give him a hug.” You tell the dog who runs over to Bucky and still soaking wet jumps up into Bucky’s lap and throws his body onto Bucky’s torso.

“Awe Cooper!” You and Steve laugh as Bucky debates if he wants your dog off of him or if he’s just going to let it happen. He finally surrenders and hugs Cooper back as you and Steve head upstairs.

After Steve checks your shoulder and ribs he seems pleased with how you’re healing. Cooper sleeps with Bucky instead of you and honestly it’s kind of nice that you and Steve have the bed to yourselves. It would be even nicer if you could relax.

“Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you tell me about the pack?”

“Can’t sleep?” You hum softly in response. So you drift off to his voice telling you about his pack.

The next three days are busy, you get things together for your trip to New York. You use as much of the perishable food as you can and bring other stuff to the food shelf in town. You pack up all of your book stuff, some of your clothes and whatever you’ll need for Cooper. You and Steve decide that you’ll drive your car with Cooper and some of your stuff then Sam and Bucky will drive the truck with everything else that you want to bring out and their stuff.

It’s weird locking up your place for what could be the last time. But you think that you’re ready, Steve is watching you out of the corner of his eye while he talks to Sam and Bucky. He gives you this sweet smile when you come walking down the sidewalk, Cooper on your heels.

“Ready to go Omega?” Steve asks and you nod, both his friends share a pleased look then both head for the drivers seat. A tussle breaks out, Sam getting Bucky into a headlock but Bucky is able to muscle his way out of the headlock and throws Sam to the ground before jumping into the truck with a triumphant yell.

“Is this going to be a bad idea?” You ask an unamused Steve.

“They’ll be fine. I’m more annoyed with them, I just know they’re gonna embarrass me on this trip.” He says as you walk to your car together, he opens the back for Cooper then buckles him in and joins you in the car.

“Maybe I should’ve ridden with them to hear the stories.”

“Absolutely not.” Steve says lightly, “besides you wouldn’t really leave your Alpha all alone would you?”

“Not unless I have to.” You admit and he takes your hand. He presses a kiss to the back of it and gives you a soft smile. You’d let him mark you right now if he was a normal Alpha you realize with a start, your anxiety spikes at the thought.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just, this is big ya know? I’ve been this fiercely independent fake Beta for like 18 years or so? And now I’m leaving that life behind.”

“You can still be an independent fake Beta.”

“No I can’t,” you admit, “I didn’t renew my prescription. I have a week left.”

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