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the-shadowsingers-whore · 2 months ago

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a court of wards and shadow

chapter eleven

series overview

summary: aelis and azriel continue their mission to retrieve the book of wards from helion's private office but run into some unexpected obstacles

length: 2.7k

warnings: (18+ mdni) violence, attempted assault, mentions of trauma/assault, just very angsty per usual

disclaimer: this fic in no way represents any of sarah j. maas' work or ideas, it is for purely fictional/personal entertainment purposes

masterlist /// next chapter >>

author's note: oops it took me another ten years to post the next part (once again it's a good thing no one reads this but me)

i hear the door softly open and footsteps gently pad across the floorboards. i suppress the urge to smile and focus on keeping my breathing even. i don’t want az to know i’m aware he came to check on me. his thoughtfulness warms my heart and i feel my chest tighten with a feeling i’m not sure i’m ready to face yet.

“i always knew you’d come back.”

my stomach drops and all the warmth that had filled me moments ago disappears as an icy chill crawls up my body.

that is not azriel’s voice.

it’s camden’s.

i try to keep my breathing steady and still the shaking that has begun to spread through my limbs.

“no need to pretend to be asleep, we both know you’re wide awake right now.”

i slowly open my eyes and my fears are confirmed. camden stands at the end of my bed, a smug expression on his face. the overwhelming terror of seeing camden again causes my brain to lag momentarily, not noticing the most terrifying part of my situation. my bed. camden is standing at the end of my bed. i’m not lying on the comfy bed from the inn that i fell asleep in, but instead on my lumpy mattress from my room back in the day court. i bolt upright at the realization.

“w..w..what is going on?” i struggle to form words as my mind races. “why am i back here?”

“oh? you didn’t really think you would be able to slip in and out of here without being caught?” cruel amusement laces his tone and dread continues to fill my veins. “honestly aelis, have you already forgotten the complexity and strength of the wards around this place? even your little spymaster doesn’t possess the ability to be invisible here.”

panic rushes through me at the mention of azriel . “where is he? what did you do to him?”

his eyebrows lift slightly at my reaction. “why so worried about the little bat?” i avert my gaze, quickly realizing my mistake in showing my concern for az.

“oh aelis, don’t tell me you’ve started to develop feelings for him. ha! that’s rich. you should count yourself lucky to receive my attention. and yet you flatter yourself into believing someone in a high lord’s innermost circle would stoop low enough to care about you. you never fail to amuse me.” my cheeks burn not only from his laughter, but from the truth that lies in his cruel words.

“you don’t know what you’re talking about,” i spit at him, my voice coming out much weaker than i intended.

“oh, but i think i do. you have no idea how easy it was to sneak up and drug you before bringing you back here.”

“you won’t get away with this! azriel will find me, and when he does he will tear you to shreds!”

“you were always too hopeful for your own good.”

“what are you talking about?” my mouth goes dry and nausea rolls through me as a look of mock sympathy crosses his face.

“why do you think it was so easy for me to sneak up on you? your precious little spymaster knows exactly where you are. and he couldn’t care less.”

sharp pain stabs through me at his words. “you’re lying.” i choke out weakly.

“don’t be so naive, aelis,” camden says coldy. “it looks like someone has started thinking very highly of herself while she was gone. i think you need a little reminder of just what you are and what you deserve.” his hand wraps around my ankle and i quickly kick him off, recoiling from his touch. both his hands shoot out and grip my ankles in response, the pressure increasing to painful. “tsk tsk tsk aelis. you should know better than trying to keep me from having what’s mine. you really have been gone too long.”

he pulls sharply on my legs and my back falls to the bed with the harsh movement. the bed dips as he climbs on, crawling slowly towards me, his hands creeping up my body as he draws closer. i scream and try to thrash away from him, but he pins me to the bed with his weight. he dips his head to my neck and i almost vomit when his tongue snakes a path up to my ear.

“i like it when you put up a fight,” he whispers in my ear, making my skin crawl. “it keeps things interesting. when you just lie there and take it, i feel like i’m fucking a corpse. so please, yell and struggle all you like.”

my eyes close and my mind empties, overwhelmed by terror and heartache. i’m vaguely aware of the fact that i’m still screaming, unable to stop, but i try to distance myself from my body, willing myself to not be fully present for what is about to happen.

despite my efforts i still feel his hands on my skin, his body against mine. he grips my shoulders tightly. i hear him say my name, but i scream louder, trying to drown out his voice. the hands on my arms start to shake me and i hear my name shouted over and over again.

“aelis! aelis, wake up! open your eyes!” the fear in his voice causes my eyes to fly open on their own accord. i look around wildly, adrenaline coursing through me.

“aelis, look at me!” my eyes finally focus on camden. except it’s not camden who’s on top of me, pinning me to the bed. it’s azriel. and he’s not pinning me to the bed, but kneeled over me shaking me shoulders, stark fear present in his eyes.

“it’s okay,” he says when my wild stare meets his, “you’re safe. ”

i choke on a sob when i hear those words and fling my arms around az. his strong arms wrap around me, one hand on my back and the other holding my head as he pulls me tightly to his chest. relief overwhelms me and i can’t seem to draw breath, my lungs gasping for air while my body starts shaking.

“shhh, shhh….” his comforting voice wraps around my panic-ridden mind, helping to calm me. “you’re alright, i’ve got you. you’re safe.”

i burrow my face deeper into his chest, letting his warmth envelop me. the scent of fresh rain fills my nose as i draw in another ragged breath and i focus on it. on that scent. his scent. in and out.

in.

and.

out.

as i think of nothing other than freedom of his scent, i gradually manage to slow my breathing until it evens out.

he doesn’t release me yet though, he simply continues to hold me tightly to his chest. the hand on the back of my head begins making gentle strokes down my hair and across the top of my back. he doesn’t stop until the trembling completely leaves my limbs and my body finally relaxes.

even then he only moves his hands to my arms, pulling away just far enough to look at my face. “are you alright?” he asks, his voice soft and low.

“yes, thank you,” i manage to say, my voice hoarse from screaming.

“do you want to talk about it?” my heart warms at what sounds like genuine worry lacing his tone and i open my mouth to respond, to open my heart to someone about my fears for the first time in my life, but the words die on my tongue. ice fills my veins as i remember camden’s words from my nightmare ‘you flatter yourself into believing someone in a high lord’s innermost circle would stoop low enough to care about you.’ and although it was just a dream, camden’s words still ring true.

he doesn’t truly care about my nightmare, he can’t. he probably just wanted to wake me before my screams woke the entirety of this inn. and he stayed to comfort me just the same as he would do for anyone else. i shake my head and turn my face away from him, not wanting to take advantage of his kindness any longer.

i try not to visibly stiffen as i feel his hand leave my arm. i keep my expression neutral and my breathing even, not wanting him to see where my thoughts have turned. he has already shown me so much compassion tonight, sacrificed his much needed rest in order to comfort me and i want him to be able to salvage a few hours of sleep. so, i steal my emotions and keep my voice as even as possible as i say, “no, i’m alright. thank you for waking me. i’m sorry for disrupting your sleep, i know we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

“aelis.”

“yes?” i reply, not able to fully meet his eyes with my own.

“aelis,” he repeats his voice commanding, but still gentle. i feel his thumb and forefinger softly grip my chin, tilting my head towards him. he pauses, waiting until i finally meet his gaze before speaking again. “tell me about it.”

no longer asking, but telling.

i watch as he moves to lean against the headboard, settling in as if to tell me he won’t leave until i tell him.

i take a slow breath to steady myself before starting, my eyes dropping to the floor. i don’t think i’ll be able to get the words out if i have to look him in the eyes.

“the day court palace wasn’t always as it is now. i used to love serving there, getting to see the wide open sky every day, having the privilege of serving helion and his court. i was happy there at first.

“but, amarantha’s curse changed everything. with helion locked under the mountain, some of the more raucous courtiers began to grow bolder. where before, us servants were treated with nothing but the utmost respect, it became normal for harsh words and sly touches to greet us as we went about our days. and it only spiraled in the following years. subtle grabs and grazes became outright groping. it wasn’t long before dragging servants into closets or dark corners or outright taking them to bed at night became normal.

“some courtiers were just seeking pleasure, but others,” i pause, shivering slightly at the thought of camden. azriel reaches out to squeeze my hand reassuringly and i take a steadying breath before continuing. “others had dark and twisted pursuits on their minds. i don’t know what i did to attract camden’s attention, but once i had it, there was nothing i could do to rid myself of him.

“at first i thought he would be like all the other lords who had taken an interest in me. i thought he would pull me into an empty hall or up to his rooms and have his way. maybe come back for more a few times, but ultimately grow bored and move on. i knew how to deal with that. but no. something in his sick mind sunk its teeth into me and was never going to let go.

“i tried everything: faking pleasure, allowing my real fear to shine through, playing hard to get, offering myself freely, fighting tooth and nail, staying in groups while serving, avoiding the halls he frequented. nothing i did would shake him. to camden, i was a plaything in his sick, twisted game. and he certainly enjoyed playing. pain, humiliation, debasement, nothing was off the table. sometimes when he was feeling especially cruel, he would share me with his equally awful and disgusting friends, letting all of them unleash their horrifying fantasies on me.

“it continued even after helion returned. not that i blame him at all, he is a wonderful high lord. it’s just that after fifty years of being gone his focus was on trying to recover his court from the lost time, so he didn’t notice all the horrors going on in his own palace.

“a few more decades of that and i couldn’t do it anymore. i was desperate for escape,” i take a second, mustering the courage to speak the haunting truth. “and i don’t mean just an escape from the palace, i mean from everything.” i glance up and watch his face fall as the realization dawns on him.

“that’s why you went to rontuwan.” his voice comes out low and full of pain.

i nod ever so slightly and he flinches, as if my confirmation is a physical strike. i look to the floor, ashamed of my admission. i had alluded to the painful truth before, but never had i actually said the words so clearly out loud.

“aelis--” his voice breaks as he reaches forward, wrapping his arms around my body and pulling me to him.

“it’s okay, i….i don’t feel that way anymore. i haven’t, not for a while now. my time in the night court, training with you, with everyone else, i think it’s been helping me heal. i still have a long way to go, but i want to keep going, keep healing. i don’t want to stop everything anymore.”

a lightness overtakes me, my burden no longer just my own and i tilt my head up slightly to offer azriel a small smile, a lone tear streaking down my cheek. one of his hands reaches up to brush it away before he pulls me tighter to his chest. neither of us says anything else, we simply exist here in this moment with each other.

and here, wrapped in the warmth and comfort of his arms, i feel wholly safe for the first time ever. it doesn’t take long before the sound of his heart steadily beating lulls me into a deep sleep.

* * *

“how did you know?” i break the comfortable silence we’ve dwelt in since this morning to ask as we wind our way through the woods towards the end of helion’s wards.

“know what?” i can picture the way his left eyebrow quirks up ever so slightly in question without him ever turning back to look at me.

“how did you know i got the book?”

“what do you mean?”

“yesterday when you where…. reassuring …. me, you said that the only reason we had the one thing that would save the court was because of me. but i hadn’t told you i had found the book yet. did your shadows tell you?’

“no,” he says, pausing in the midst of the trail to glance back at me for a fleeting moment. “i just knew you would find it.”

“you….knew i would find it?” i can’t hide the suspicion in my voice.

“yes.” he doesn’t waver in his response, voice solid as a rock.

“how? how could you possibly know, how could you possibly even believe i would find the book?”

“i just did.”

“what do you mean you ‘just did’?” i ask, jogging to catch up to him. “i’ve only been training a few months, i can’t hold my own against any type of opponent, and i have never done anything but serve food and clean halls in all my centuries of existence and yet you believed, no you knew i would find the book?” i grasp his shoulder as if to spin him back to me, but my effort does nothing against his broad strength. he does not pause in his trek through the trees as he speaks, continuing on as if his words didn’t shake me to my core. “you can’t possibly think i’m going to believe that. so tell me the truth, azriel.”

he turns back to me, his eyes flick between mine for a moment, assessing. “i don’t know what you want me to say besides the truth. and the truth is, i just knew. no shadows, no divine interventions from the mother, nothing. i just knew. i don’t know why, but i just did. and trust me, as someone who relies on information and secrets to survive, i don’t like not knowing, even more than you.” and with tha, he turns and continues swiftly down the trail, his shadows flicking wildly in his wake.

tag list: @lennaleen @mis-lil-red

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