#so i shouldnt have to do work today.
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im really in pls dont talk to me mode at work today.
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been a bad day I'm sorry for not going through my tag today 😔
#igm.talk#made a few mistakes at work today and now i hate myself#i know i shouldnt be so hard on myself esp since i literally just joined the company#im not familiar with the way they do things but for some reason i am beating myself up about it#i hope everyone's having a better day tho 💖#have you all had your meals?#please do if you havent!!#and please rest well when you go to sleep tonight 🫶🏻
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i have nothing but free time rn but i will sooner just collapse into some kind of trembling sobbing mess before i start doing my assignments unfortunately
#girl what is wrong with meeee#and im so tired today too like i went to bed at like 3pm just cause i could sit upright auughh#like im feeling so much stress it should do the thing and make me do something but unfortunately im just shaking and thats it 😔#ajajajjj#doesnt help that someones is in the workshop already either like wed have to share space#and we both take up a huge amount of space with our works#idk if i shouldnt just go to sleep rn and just do everything at night or something aughh#if i can get myself to do it then -_-#i have to do it today and tomorrow i HAVE to do it#:(
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anyways all ive been doing for like 4 hours is watching NL streams and playing fields of mistria and yeah i def forgot to take my meds yesterday 💀💀💀
#at least i have a list of all of the assignments i need to do (WITH LINKS) so it shouldnt be too hard to start on#ill have 2 talk to my professors after class n b like "ok look im still like. sick and i was legitimately unable to do work so im not fully#caught up yet- so i dont have todays homework. im going to be working on it but as u can understand i wanna take it seriously to make up fo#lost class time''
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what if 90% of my energy didn't go into working. what if i didn't have to sacrifice hygiene and a clean home and fresh cooked meals.
#i am so tired#me when my disability disables me i guess#i hate it i hate it i hate it#my partner has been gone for a while and will be gone again until next week and like#i haven't made food more elaborate than like. rice cooker. boil pasta.#and then not be able to wash the dishes after#my lunch today was microwaved frozen pierogis which arent! tasty!#they shouldnt be microwaved!#but i don't have the energy to do literally anything else#augh.#i am so so so tired of this and i hate that my health insurance is tied to being able to work full time#because truly i don't know how i can keep doing this
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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chat is it ok to be upset over sometjing soooo silly.
#my friends rlly struggling w writers block atm#so i was like we can work on an idea tog if thatll help! then u dont have tk do iz alone#and they were like mmmmmmmmmmm idk collab writing is hard#they message me today saying OMG GUESS WHAT THIS BIG WRITER ON TWT WANTS TP COLLAB WRITE A FIC W ME WERE GONNA WRITE IT#and im super super happy for them#but like BROOOOOOOOOO#for context we r like. besties. like Bestie besties.#i feel like i shouldnt be annoyed by this#and mostly im not !!!! im so excited for them and for the fic#but i just wish they hadn't made excuses for casting my help off. j tell me straight up if u dont wanna do it w me#idk#I AM EMOTIONAL JUST IN GENERAL RN SO IGNORE THIS#but i had to put it somewhere#soz guys#its selfish i know ! but consider i feel it anyway
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Gonna watch doctor sleep, jerk off and forget im lonely
#i literally have a problem#i just hung out with ppl today#i got to socialize and talk to beautiful girls#iv had a good day#and the moment im alone in my house im miserable again#there something rooted deep in me that i dont know how to fix i think#sorry im being melodramatic#but im sick of working and spending 90% of my free time alone#i can do alone! i can do it im a big boy#and i can handle and do it#but i wish someone was excited for the next time we got to see each other or talk to each other#that wanted to spend their time with me#its the adhd acting up again#i literally have this probably every few months and have a fucking melt down because im not the important person in anyones life#but im about to be 25#and iv never been in love with anyone who was able to love me back#which isnt their problem its my own#i just get infatuated with ppl who im not their type or im just not a fit for the life they want#which is fine thatst just how it is#but iv been getting sad realizing the few times iv been infatuated enough to consider it romantic feelings of love#its always been to ppl im well aware im not built for#i can love them all i want but that wont change the fact that im just not what they want or what they need#and i just keep having to tell myself that its ok and im fine with it because i have to be#everyone tells me to just go for it#but i know already i wont get anything out of it but heartache#i may be a bit thick and not always aware when someone is interested in me until they say it to my face straight up#but i think im p good at telling when someone has NO interest in me ykno#i can look at someone i like and someone i know and see their interest and life and know im not meant to fit into it that way#so i shouldnt bother them with this going after it nonsense ykno#but idk where else to go
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Thinking about going to World Most Boring Bible Study Ever. Idk yall. Idk. Idek.
#the number of times i have faked a call yo leave early. the number of times ive played solitaire on my phone. i got to the potty to kill tim#like! just answer questions its not that hard!!!!!!#you dont even need to be right just throw some spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks!#also group leaders stop reading questions from a script from your phone#ALSO PLEASE CAN WE STOP GOING THROUGH THE SAME VERSES WE GO THROUVH ON SUNDAYS#this is why we have a split in our life group/church crowdm just sayin#i just. i just miss doing bible studys with people who were way smarter than me#being a church kid in a college church is just 👁👄👁#i shpuldnt be dreading going to bible study!!!!!!#so its probably a me problem right?!#and also the group leaders have had to tell me to stfu more than once (politely. which was really annoying. dont pussyfoot around!!)#also our only bible study is also our ~only space for new comers~ so i get in trouble if i get too meaty in my excitements and theology#EHICH SHOJLDNT BE MY FAULT!!!!!!!#and YEAH it IS my fault that its my only spot where im spiritually feeding. but also there is a secret eomens group people mention that..#i guess im just excluded from? but also i know most of the women dont like me bc I have interminable Doesnt Shut Up Disease l#like i understand fhat yes it is a little my fault rhat me talking about deep theology makes them feel inadequate but also THAT SHOULDNT BE#guh. i also forgot my meds today so im a little bit more mulish and hard hearted#and i KNOW its a teachable moment amd God is usimg this to temper me or something else but im feelimg grumblr#and ill probably delete this later.#and i have to got to work ok bye
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one things I've noticed is once you've been mobbed or group bullied before you see signs ahead of time and try to get ahead of the curb just to be let down again
I just started a new job, I started in person suddenly I was seen as "antisocial, loud, unqualified" and every sterotypical attribute to black people including being repeatedly called "prioritized" by people who have offices while i'm in a cubicle
I could tell by today (I told my boss I was getting my ID) they were purposefully trying to be frustrating and gaslit me about it
the girl who usually lets me in was no where to be seen and someone WAVED at me and kept walking, I was eventually let in and told how I was a priority and they weren't when they got their ID.
Along with people coming up to my cubicle to peek at me and leave
Along with that my landlord called me greedy after forcing me to go to the store with her like....theyre wild in this City.
#shit like this happened to me in school and now I cant be fooled by it#it comes from the big boss too thats what makes it worse#i trusted two people#and they spread it around#So one of the bigwigs that needed me to talk to him that called me antisocial I went up to today#I told him to give me the benefit of the doubt he gave every other new person and that i knew i didnt have a direct degree in the field but#ive worked before and can also get that degree in 18 months#he tried to gaslight me and tell me that wasnt what it was about and so i agreed with him and he said#'oh i was in the pet food business before this'#yt ppl love forced interactions and feeling like theyre breaking u#they dont think you deserve to feel strong or be by yourself like they used to own us why would they#i told that man 'he shouldnt assume im always confused and that I am very capable of doing my job#he was flabbergasted and before that was like :3 my door is always open#these people are 40+ and have belts of accomplishments and yet some blk girl being quiet unfurled them#these idiots dont know it makes make case if i wanted to sue even stronger
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i love coming back to work after two days off and seeing nothing has been done by the person who claims she's the only person who does anything and she's getting tired of it.
#oil and vinegar samples havent been changed and jewelry cases havent been cleaned and the phone wasnt even hung up#7 work days left after today and then i move and am Unemployed 🥲✌🏼#wish i could be around to see how badly things go in the weeks after im gone :)#like idk babe if you think you do everything and you care about your parents' business so much maybe youd uh. prove that.#and ofc the bosses are being childish and not talking to the employee their daughter is scapegoating for everything.#talking to me instead like we're in middle school and i Doubt believing me when i tell them un actually shes good at her job.#and i know shes good at her job because i trained her! and worked with her every day before your kid came back!#maybeee if things only go bad and people only complain when your kid is here. she might be the problem. everyone working for you shouldnt#Dread working with one employee.#Dread working with one employee and then that employee (who is only here for 3 months) be the one you believe for everything.#the jewelry store is a very easy job. we have four responsibilities. your baby cant handle that?#then why is she here.#ri.txt
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I have got to get worse at my job cus no way can keep letting them rely on me like this
#work tag#got on shift on Sunday and my manager pulled me aside when i clocked in to say thank god youre here i need you on front theyre an absolute#mess over there theyve got orders waiting nearly twenty minutes i need you to figure out whats going on and whip them into shape i know you#can just get all those order out right away just put them where you want them so you can clear that screen. and i did sort it in under 5#despite there having been 3 people on front before i got there which is more than enough people to deal with just 6 orders and yet#and today several people called in sick and one of my managers asked if i wanted some extra hours i said depends when she was like just#until ten tonight which is only an extra hour later than i finish but ive already expressed im not comfortable finishing at 9 for only a#8 hour shift cus its an hour walk back and thats far to go by myself in the dark but i agreed anyway one of my other managers then asked if#i was okay to get home if i stayed that late cus obviously there must be a reason i dont usually stay that late i was like im only walking#so it doesnt really matter but it is gonna be late to be walking back but its fine manager then comes back again and asks if i could stay#til 11 ive only done an 11 once before when they were understaffed again and she did the same but i was wary to agree to the 11 cus thats#reeeally late to be doing such a long walk by myself again other manager is like you dont have to agree to anything youre not comfortable#with then argued to the manager that ive got to walk home and i shouldnt stay however im thinking it over as i make my break and approach#the actual shift runner for this evening and suggest i stay until 12 instead cus thats when my work bestie is finishing and if we finish at#the same time i can then walk back with her instead of just doing the 10 and honestly i need the hours but i shouldnt be so relied on tbh
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Still hoping to get the chapter done today
Maybe I should get smth to eat to encourage myself...
#speculation nation#itnl shit#i got the first part of this scene mostly done. just a half hour left of work#i may sit in storage for a while to try to finish writing. since that's a Good Focus location#get myself some food to help with the focus... then go home and edit...#i do have to think about my manager meeting today but that shouldnt be too hard#i want this chapter to be out so badly 😭 and i am Sooooo close to done.....#im gonna try to get intl 14 out today. im gonna try.
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The bookmark tag was #holder until i think of a tag for these asks but To Be Real even I forgot what it was...
BUT YEAH thanks so much for reading and I'm glad it's :] Intelligible At Least :] obviously I would be up for reading anything that came to mind after putting you and your followers through All That but understandable... A lot of people I've shown the checklist items or pointed out specific behaviors to have actually said similar [i.e. I'm In This Picture And I Don't Like It], so I totally get what you mean, too!
I think a lot of my picks wound up being generalized trauma responses/aftereffects of abuse or neglect [hence I meandered off into just talking about Jo's father half the time], so I guess it's to be expected a lot of them don't read as being CSA-specific or are broadly relatable; it's not like he's supposed to be read that way, after all. I just wasn't able to zero in on many of the more specific ones because I've Never Seen Jo In This Situation Chief I Don't Know What He Thinks About His Name Or His Body Or Mirrors Or Sex Or Affection I Don't Know How Well Or Poorly He Sleeps [Presumably Poorly Though He Has The Second-Reddest Eyes In The Whole Game]
I don't really think I'll have anything to add though unless Infinite Wealth goes off the rails or I actually continue reading the book... so that will have to do... I originally was just riffing on RGGJo's attachment issues, self-destructiveness, and specific entwinement of sexuality/aggression/romance, and his portrayal in my fic lined up pretty closely, so I thought it'd be interesting to apply the same lens to Y7Jo...
But Yeah x2 thank you for the opportunity to talk about it and I'm Glad It's Intelligible At Least x2
THANK YOU i really should change that tag to something better... <- i will immediately forget to do so like a jackass
BUT YA OF COURSE OF COURSE i was truthful when i said it was a real good read (but once again. i have -5 speech skills so i can't properly word SHIT) and was a thorough examination of jo's trauma and how it manifests in him and how it's exhibited through his actions. ALWAYS a big fan of that :)
#snap chats#IN REGARDS TO Jo In Situations that is. VAGUELY my specialty#ive at least thought of jo's attitudes towards affection/relationships#and i Do Not Think he sleeps AS adequately as he should whether it's due to just. Overworking or#If I May Dare To Think he might be prone to night terrors#the Danger Zone of me thinking of Jo In Situations that dont have a lot of background is that i end up projecting a LOT of my issues LMAO#i dont know what it says about me when a lot of those issues seem to fit him#i do try my best NOT to over project of course i try to keep everyone relatively in the bounds of believability to their charas#which is why its funny when i do end up doin a lil projection it works out. Apparently#not sure i could do the same when it comes to jo's POV on his name and body tho. i hate those things bout myself for uh#VERY different reasons LMAOO tho i could imagine jo harboring some feelings of. hm. whats the word.#not Total Disgust But Some and Some Agitation whenever he has to acknowledge he exists outside of being a tool. To Put It Bluntly#cause we know he sees himself as a tool in some aspects- a bullet more specifically. so i can imagine instances where he has to Be A Human#its just. Ew Whats That LMAO YK WHAT I MEAN i do. i know what i mean. mirrors are evil#SORRY IM RAMBLING i shouldnt be.. i got gameritis <- i fucked up my wrists playing sonic riders somehow and it hurts to move#point is i very much enjoy thinking of jo and i enjoy looking at him through a multitude of lenses so AGAIN#thank you much for writing in :] im sorry i have three jewel beetles and a cicada shell for a brain#i am always interested in reading what you have to say tho... cant stress that enough..#truly curious for how jo will be in infinite wealth now that he Doesnt have to be a bullet anymore. what are you like my guy.. lemme see..#now pardon me while i fuck up my wrists more. i do not want to do my job today (i will soon im just delaying the inevitable. as a treat)
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kind of annoyed at my friend :/
#ok so at the cafe at my school theyre having an event thats basically come play board games#and she texted the discord yesterday and said 'who wants to go to this?' and i said yes! i would!#and so i checked in with her bc its this afternoon like do you still want to go? what time should we go ?#bear in mind that she is the one who INVITED evwryone#and she said she has too much work#and i knoww i shouldnt like judge how much work she has but like she had only one class today.#couldnt she have done more of her work earlier considering that she MADE PLANS?????#and i really wanted to go to it i miss playing board games bc usually the only games i can play at school are. uno & cards against humanity#but im from a family who likes weird games my dad finds on Kickstarter (this is a lie only my dad and i play them. my sister and i refuse)#and i only get to play my weird kickstarter games at home!#not that i think theyll have weird kickstarter games :/ but at least itll be VARIETY!!!#SORRY i dont actually like uno and cards against humanity that much. but i need to play something else#i brought fluxx this semester but no one will play it bc they all wanted to play uno and cah first and by the end of those we were tired#they were done to death by like senior year of high school bc theyre the ONLY games anyone will play!!!!#and its honestly an effort to even laugh at any cah jokes at this point . sorry theyre so rarely funny.#and i feel bad bc i have one friend who laughs really easily and so they crack up and im just sitting there like . a corpse#talkin
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Ever just feel like getting on the ground and curling up into a ball?
#me rn#just want to sleep under my desk#i shouldnt even be at work anymore but#ive gone down a rabit hole#and like i have work beans#and i dont want them to go to waste#but ill get home and be burnt out prob#and be anxious bc i didnt get to do anything other than work today#there is literally no winning in my brain and i hate that#also im like chidi with constant anxiety stomach aches#why do i feel like im going to cry rn?#anyones guess#i want to jist be unconscious like all the time#so i dont have to feel like this#ugh#ok rant done my bad
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