#i just hung out with ppl today
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Gonna watch doctor sleep, jerk off and forget im lonely
#i literally have a problem#i just hung out with ppl today#i got to socialize and talk to beautiful girls#iv had a good day#and the moment im alone in my house im miserable again#there something rooted deep in me that i dont know how to fix i think#sorry im being melodramatic#but im sick of working and spending 90% of my free time alone#i can do alone! i can do it im a big boy#and i can handle and do it#but i wish someone was excited for the next time we got to see each other or talk to each other#that wanted to spend their time with me#its the adhd acting up again#i literally have this probably every few months and have a fucking melt down because im not the important person in anyones life#but im about to be 25#and iv never been in love with anyone who was able to love me back#which isnt their problem its my own#i just get infatuated with ppl who im not their type or im just not a fit for the life they want#which is fine thatst just how it is#but iv been getting sad realizing the few times iv been infatuated enough to consider it romantic feelings of love#its always been to ppl im well aware im not built for#i can love them all i want but that wont change the fact that im just not what they want or what they need#and i just keep having to tell myself that its ok and im fine with it because i have to be#everyone tells me to just go for it#but i know already i wont get anything out of it but heartache#i may be a bit thick and not always aware when someone is interested in me until they say it to my face straight up#but i think im p good at telling when someone has NO interest in me ykno#i can look at someone i like and someone i know and see their interest and life and know im not meant to fit into it that way#so i shouldnt bother them with this going after it nonsense ykno#but idk where else to go
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I have this feeling that I have unofficial beef with my neighbor...
#text#okay so if you wanna know:#this old lady above our apartment didn't like me even before I moved in#when she first met me we had some guys over who uninstalled and took away the old kitchen cause we were getting a new one#and she instantly tried to file some sort of complaint that it was apparently against the house rules to put spacious furniture into the#elevator without some sort of cover because the elevator could get scratches or something but get this#there was nothing in the house rules that said this. my dad even asked the ppl in charge of the house rules and they confirmed that#pretty weird isn't it? well haven't seen each other too often so I had the fortune of not having to put up with her... until 2 days ago#I just did my laundry and wanted to put it up on the communal drying rack in the basement#you also have to know that the neighbors to the right of us smoke weed. A LOT. I don't rly care you do you but they seem to smoke 24/7#So much their entire apartment reeks of weed and they actually open their apartment door for like 1 hour in the evening to air#and of course our entire floor smells. so I get into the elevator and wanted to press the button for the basement floor but I notice it#suddenly goes up. and I'm just like okay fine.... until I run into the weird old lady and we stare at each other awkwardly#and I'm like “well... you need to go up or down...?” and she's like “I need to go down but I don't wanna get into the elevator with you..”#(get ready for what she says next) “... because your laundry smells” and you should have seen my confusion. I was so damn close to saying#“you think I put WEED into my laundry?? are you sure???” but I didn't say anything and just went well okay then not ig#So I go to the basement and put up my laundry a little bewildered but still mostly amused go back up and sleep over it#Well today I returned from college and went down to collect the laundry when I found a little piece of paper hung right next to it that said#“when you leave the washroom turn of the lights” but I swear to god I put out the light I'm 100% sure. And like she also knew I was down#there cause I was in the elevator and like why would someone put in all this effort to print out a piece of paper instead of just turning#the lights off themselves??? Idk maybe I rly did leave the lights on and this is a weird paranoia I'm having#but I can't shake of the feeling that it was her and she's trying to beef with me rly hard. idk old ppl are so weird man...
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Had a good first day of the semester 😁 very happy to see friends again
#lots of ppl I know in my sound design class ^_^ we all hung out together and caught up on things once class let out#I ended up going to the wrong class this morning and woke up a lot earlier than I needed to but I’m not too mad abt that oh well#AND it was so nice out today. the walk through campus was great#idk I’m just happy I feel like I’ve improved a lot as far as productivity and negative thought loops go since last semester#so I’m going into the fall with motivation and confidence in myself. no more self loathing and wallowing in misery I got this
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how am i supposed to go back to work on monday like my life hasn't literally changed this past week lmaooooo like what
#everything has been put together except my office the bathroom and today's adventure of finding the right curtain rods lmao#but i have curtains in my rooms!!!!! will have to do the living room next#all the boxes and bins left are my fandom stuff that i gotta sort through and figure out what's give away storage or display#my bathroom just needs organizational stuff#and there's like random misc stuff that i need like lamps and bedside tables#the number of times ive been to the store to buy and return things... lord#but it does look much better and i feel good knowing the kitchen is pretty much done#no art is hung up yet either rip but i gotta figure out where i want that#a week is not enough time to do all of this omfg#tmrw im gonna try to get the office set up or at least start going through those boxes im making it my mission#i think ive hit a wall like i was just in Go mode and now that i know it's just fandom stuff i rly do not wanna go through it lmao#majority of it is like funkos or stuff from when i was a kid#also this area is like...... moneyyyy and there's so many ppl#the houses make me depressed a bit cuz some are vv fancy but others are just average and like it would be nice to own a house#but that is a whole other dream
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the problem with having a speech pattern influenced by tumblr is that your personal life update posts will be perceived as consumable #relatable content for people to reblog
#‘why don’t you just turn off reblogs’ i shouldn’t have to leave me alone#i do not enjoy the feeling of posting something like ‘got a job’ or ‘hung out with my mom today’ and ppl just spreading it around?#NON-MUTUALS THAT IS. OBVIOUSLY IF WE’RE BUDDIES AND I KNOW YOU YOU CAN VERY MUCH DO THAT
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hell day today and i'm only two hours into my EIGHT HOUR SHIFT
#9 to 5 by dolly parton starts playing in the background..#literally had to open up shop alone 2day and also was entirely alone for the first 45 min. of my shift so that was already a negative start#to the day + i heard that i can't have my break later than two thirty which is very bad for me bc 1) there'll be a lot of ppl all around me#when i'm eating which i already dislike and 2) like 85% of ppl taking their break around that time are VERY noisy eaters so even worse and#then 3) it'll be really loud in the room as well bc everyone's talking loudly and eating and the cutlery's clanging against plates and such#and also some ppl have actual full-blown arguments with each other in the break room bc half the ppl here hate each other's guts so more#negatives to the day and then on top of that we've had sooooo many annoying customers already today who r just. intent on making u stressed#out and upset and literally will tell u to your face to 'do your job better' like bro...i can easily tell you haven't worked in retail....#also someone hung their clothes on the rack outside the fitting rooms which is where u hang ur clothes when you're DONE fitting them & don'#want them bc they don't fit or don't sit right or u just don't rlly like them after all so if clothes are hanging there we the ppl working#there WILL take them and hang them back in their original places what did u expect to happen?? anyway someone hung the clothes they had#tried on already and did want there and i reached out to take them bc like. that's what we do here..we hang the clothes on the 'discard#rack' back in the store bc else the rack gets stuffed and the woman literally grabbed my arm and said 'those are mine what do u think you'r#doing' LIKE?????? GIRL THE RACK'S THERE FOR A REASONNNN ofc i'm going to assume u don't want them anymore if they're hanging there that's#why it's called the DISCARD rack....also how am i to know those specific clothes are yours HONESTLYYYYYY STFU AND GET OFF ME#ALSO some dude was like (to his child but like. looking at me while he said it.) 'this guy needs a haircut doesn't he' bc my hair is kinda#long and apparently i passed today. LIKE 1st of all kind of a rude thing to say to a stranger innit 2nd of all setting a great example to#your child there just casually commenting on other ppl's looks like that👍 3rd of all jokes on you you wouldn't consider me a guy if#you Knew most likely. thanks for that little zing of glee much obliged <3 but also man just piss off will you. 4th of all my hair isn't eve#that long....like the ends of it are just shy of my shoulders wdym LONG if u knew the long-haired guys i know you'd faint.#anyway. great start of the day. i still have six more hours to go 🥴#ALSO no surprise this always happens but my legs already hurt SOOOOOOOO BADDDDDD :(((((((((((#r.txt
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#wow okay so ive been reconnecting with my friend who i previously hadn't seen or spoken to in months#and we've been chatting again for abt a month now and she came to my house univited and without warning today and we hung out#even though i really wasn't prepared for company. i decided it was a pleasant enough surprise. she brought cupcakes.#and then she tells me. a trans man. that she. a lesbian. is in love with me#and im now very uncomfortable bc i don't want to date someone who sees me as a girl. and i Know that that's the case here#bc she's said some Kinda Weird yellow flag things abt trans ppl (esp in regards to passing) that ive overlooked bc i enjoyed her company#and she starts crying on my shoulder bc she “can't believe im rejecting her bc i think shes transphobic”#and how she “thought i liked her too” bc i go along with her flirting (when she first started flirting w me i didn't pick up and she-#-made a joke abt how she likes to flirt w men bc shes gay but it looks like im too dense for that joke (said it a friendly way no really))#(so i didn't realize she was ACTUALLY flirting bc she would still do this to other guys as a joke)#and she “feels so stupid for letting herself be led on by me” and a bunch of other bullshit#and expected me to comfort her while this was going on#which i did bc i didn't know what else to do#and she decided to take THAT as a mixed signal ig and tried to pet me#so i got away from her and got her some water and asked her to leave after she calmed down#and she started crying more but eventually left#and then like an hour later i start getting texts from our friends saying they couldnt believe i was so rude to her#and thought she was a transphobe and shoved her off of me when she just needed comfort#and so now everyone is refusing to talk to me until *i* apologize to *her*#i literally only have one irl friend now bc of this#fuck this shit#and i have fucking class tomorrow#fuck#this#shit
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#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be#like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now#maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy#im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when#im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck#but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak#thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just#wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive#been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work#my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes#and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over#the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and#talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place.#could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it#so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree#inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im#glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of#couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot#unrelated#its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment#and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i#dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it
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i was hanging out today w a friend i hadn't seen in awhile and kaily and i were catching up on all the drama involving him (my controlling manipulative and abusive ex-friend) and how he keeps going out of his way to ask ppl about where we are and find us and how the only reason i think i get out of it is bc i don't go to the same college as him anymore, i hardly ever leave the house socially and the few ppl i do see all have no connection w him anymore, and i don't work at some place where he can just show up. i work in pre-k-to-12 public schools. my schedule in terms of days/location is irregular anyway, but if some strange adult man shows up for no particular reason and seeks out a female employee, you do not just get let in. that is how you have the cops called on you. but he does know where i live and i have been paranoid about him finding some excuse to show up at my house. i've had legitimate nightmares about that. i never stopped having nightmares about him i'd say at least once every other week and i haven't talked to him in almost six months.
i don't like at all how i don't feel safe in a way that means i have faith that the issue is over; the person is out of my life; our communication will not be renewed against my will once again. bc all of those things have been attempted. i feel safe in a way that means he happens, by circumstance, not to be able to access me in any convenient way to him. any way he could find me (the only way to feasibly do that would be work/home) would be a justification for calling the police. but i don't have any faith that he wouldn't try, because he has shown himself as being capable of being that low. and if i switch jobs or transfer schools finally and he finds out about it, he can just make it an issue there if he so feels like it, and i'm sure he will. he's a monster. he gets some sort of thrill out of making other ppl feel unsafe and having all the control in the situation
#tales from diana#it was very validating to talk to her bc she never really liked him#in fact i used to be so humiliated when i'd bring him to hang out w my older friends#bc he'd go oooon and on and on about how nobody listens to him nobody understands him nobody cares about or appreciates him#and then i'd be like 'oh my friends are good ppl! ill introduce u' and i did. i made the effort to bring him to them a LOT#(and he would make me feel like he envied me for my oh-so-superior life which i most definitely do not have)#but then he would not listen to her not understand her not care about her and not appreciate her#nor any of my friends for that matter. but he was SO disinterested in her in particular in a way that was just sooo disrespectful#he wouldnt let me hold a conversation w her. or let me bring her into a conversation w him. he'd DOMINATE#in general he didn't like me talking to anybody else or anyone talking to anyone else or anyone else talking#ive never seen a man who cared so little about somebody else getting to finish a sentence.#and like there's a lot of adhd in our friend group. we all (myself especially) have our spirited interjections#and occasionally interrupt but we realize when we're doing it and then pull back & let the other person finish#we try to keep other ppl on track w what they were saying when they go on a tangent#you know. we try and communicate effectively#even tho we r not naturally perfect at it lol.#we're adults who respect each other it's almost like!#but yeah. he was only interested in impressing the couple of men in my friend group essentially#he'd talk abt how my two guy friends r cool & how he wants to be closer to them#and i'd stick up for this woman i hung out w today & he had just absolutely no interest in her#she never liked him anyway which was so baller of her. good on her. she detected his rudeness#and that rudeness used to vex me so much. i suppose bc i couldnt bear to see him treat other ppl how he treated me#altho to a much lesser extent w the overt lovebombing he did to me and the traumadumping and intense reliance upon me#he seriously needed my attention 24/7 it didn't matter if i was studying or working or in bed sick for two weeks#literally he and his vapid fucking needs came before everything in my life according to him. always. crazy#the entitlement of that man is ridiculous. so of course he thinks there's nothing wrong w seeking me out#of course.#i wouldnt care if he died
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i didn't immediately get a follow-up text saying someone i hung out with had a good time
#😔 my brain is sooooo annoying#i hope there is a Next Time™ though 🥲 i had a rly nice time and.. i don't have reason to Not think they didn't have a good time#👉👈 but ppl can b nice and still ghost u. i just hope that's not the case this time 😭 I've rly been hoping this friendship works out#and if it doesn't tbh I'll be SO upset about it 😭 like if this doesn't work then idk what will man#just give up and be a shut in who does god knows what all day because being a person is too hard#this is like the longest I've talked w anyone from tinder and the most I've actually carried conversation on discord#and we hung out yesterday for the first time and it Seemed good but i haven't heard from them today#and i feel dumb and silly for feeling this way..? being anxious and hopeful has a girl holding her breath all the time 😔#any step forward feels like my last ykwim? u do something simple and small but always feel like it's Too Much#and like Anything u do is enough to push or scare ppl away 😬 but no one will ever tell u what's wrong!!#so u don't know what u did or what to look out for or idk. it just makes u feel like literally everything and anything is Too Much#and like u shouldn't even try.. but u Should or else you'll be alone frfr. 😮💨 idk i feel crazy lol I'm gonna go grab a coffee n draw
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friend said they’d be home by 1pm for us to hang out but they still havent replied to my text last night asking what kind of milkshake i should bring and now im just sitting at the milkshake place 20 minutes after they said to be at their HOUSE and im like 🤡
#bro i hate when ppl do this#my whole morning wasted waiting for confirmation of plans#i couldve hung out w sam today but now i am just Sitting. Waiting.#bc id be a jerk if i was like ‘im gonna assume u decided to cancel’#but like#bro its my day off i hate my time being wasted
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just got reminded of one of my favorite bittersweet memories from the closet/denial - when I was 15 we had an exchange student from the US stay with us for a few days and I got along so well with her, and we wrote endless fb messages and emails and letters and I just felt like we were soulmates and cried when she left and couldn't wait to visit her a few months later on a school trip, and I remember sitting in her car with her and singing along to Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" because i had just bought cherry chapstick so she started playing the song, and my heart started beating faster when she started to sing along and I just remember not knowing what it was but knowing it was a special kind of friendship. I attributed it to the circumstances and the traveling and all the excitement of a school trip, and only years later, when I read her coming out post on facebook something in me clicked and made me realise how obvious it could have been to me that I had a crush on her if I'd had the language for it at 15.
#queer#ramblings#she just posted a wedding pic of her and her now wife on insta and they look so cute and beautiful#and seeing that made me remember how hard the realisation of what my feelings had been hit me when i read her coming out post#which she posted almost 10 years after we first met#and i'm pretty sure we both didn't know back then#maybe she did but i definitely didn't suspect a thing#i remember coming home from the US trip and telling my mom all abt our adventures and how heartbroken i felt when we had to leave#and in the whole friend group of like 10+ ppl we hung out with (my friends & their hosts) there was 1 guy#named kyle and he was someone's boyfriend#and my mom asked me#if i was sad abt saying goodbye to kyle#and i was like#??!??!? KYLE#i'm fucking heartbroken abt my host but not fucking kyle#he was nice and all but he was literally just some girls bf who tagged along but comphet made my mom latch onto the only guy i mentioned lol#i remember the extreme confusion i felt whem she asked abt him#and i was like?!?? i literally have talked abt girls for half an hour WHY are you making it abt kyle#i'm in such an oversharing mood today lol but seeing her insta posts just made me really nostalgic#and sad for closeted teenage me who could have had all these experiences but didn't know it yet
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also I had a GREAT morning so like aaaa yay
#izzy.txt★#like I got to hang with my mom early in the morning like it was idk 4am??? and we just were like ‘hey we gotta go get smth at the 24h place#so let’s just go out and drive?’#it was great and today it was SOOOOOO misty/foggy!! it was so prettyyyyyy#and we drove around and barely anyone was out#it had this ghost city vibe but I loved it sm#we went to our usual spot by the beach and hung out to see it turn into morning and seeing the sky gradually lighten was so relaxing#and we played lofi in the car and I drew on my iPad#it was so relaxing and then we rolled the windows down and could hear the ocean it was so peaceful#like for once there was no hustle and bustle just a few ppl out and the waves#and it was so chilly but nice#then we were out so long we got breakfast!!#it was so yummy#honestly I love early mornings with my mom so much and this was so fun and spontaneous#gosh what a great morning \o/#if you made it this far ILYSM have a beautiful day/night 🫂🫂
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y'all I have finally breached the subject of my terrible housemate with the other ppl we live with (who are also close mutual friends) and they have also noticed the weird vibes and are siding with me... Which is very big for them cause they hate confrontation and admitting that there is any sort of problem so 👀👀 it feels like things are Happening
#cy says stuff#personal#fingers crossed they just keep up the distant act and then move out when school is over cause that would be perfect for me personally#but they literally just like avoid everyone leave whenever ppl come down#dont say hi even when you speak directly to them like#like it is hardcore distance#but apparently when they saw my other housemates in other places they were like omgggg it's been so long how are youuu :))))))))#like. yeah it's been long cause you run back to your room whenever you hear footsteps???#like they ran through the living room while everyone was sitting there yesterday and my housemate waved and them#and asked them a question and the only reason they actually stopped to respond was cause they ran into my chair and then the chair next to#next to me LMAO#and then the door on the way out fhfhfhfhfhfhfj#so like. bruh i really do not know what is going in their head or if they're trying to like get back at me for setting hard boundaries#cause tbh i would not be surprised if they somehow twisted this where they are the victim ....#but like they fr have made everyone in the house cry cause of how mean they are and have just straight up insulted ppl to their faces#whenever they feel defensive or are in a bad mood like... nah they're so toxic fr fr#anyways.... that is all 🙏#also we hung out without them at a friend's today so i feel like it has been mutually decided they have been voted off the island...#one of my housemates was like friends are supposed to make your life easier....#and i was like 👀👀👀👀👀#👀👀👀👀👀#anyways fjgjf
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oh. hm.
#i had a realization today and now i feel so absolutely horrible.#when i was out w friends today one of them wasn't having a good time and stepped out for a moment#and in the back i could hear the other 2 whispering to each other basically abt how she's been like this last time they hung out too#the consensus unspoken was that there was sth off. but they kinda just kept moving along. i stepped out for a bit bc i felt like idk.#she's out alone on the streets someone has to make sure she's okay right.#when I'm back one of them goes oh i was just wondering where you were. as if everything is normal.#after a bit of wandering around in the store the other goes oh where is xxx? as if we weren't all there when she said she's gonna step out.#as if they didn't discuss her behavior right after.#and it suddenly reminded me of when i found my ex with her head buried in her hands when i was gone for a bit.#and i was like oh what's going on and the other 2 there were just chatting and one of them just is like idk she's sleeping.#She Was Crying. I was so. idk. i was panicking i was so worried. And I was so mad too bc how could they not notice a friend being unwell??#and i hated myself for it bc it was my fault for leaving her there and i had her id and it was really my fault and i wouldn't have known#i wouldn't have known that. idk. i thought she was left with people who were her friends who should then pay attention to her wellbeing#idk i. i would have trusted my friends to take care of or at least be aware of how i feel.#but we left for a bit and nobody even noticed. what happened. someone even texted asking where did we go.#and idk it's just the same thing i just realized and connected the dots. they will pay lip service. they will tell u they care abt u.#and they will echo it among themselves oh i worry abt xxx is xxx okay oh yeah xxx has been acting like this as if it actually does anything.#and nobody will actually make sure later on. that she is actually. doing fine. that they can do what's good for her atm.#and God. I'm just realizing that. idk. i. i wish i could've been a better support for my ex if she really had needed it at the time. idk.#i was just listening to what other ppl were telling me. but i. i didn't think it through. if these are the ppl she has for support.#if they didn't care to make me feel cared for. if they didn't care to check if she was okay back then. idk i. God.#oh God. what if i fucked up majorly. god. oh god. idk i just thought they treated me like that bc thry we're mad at me#but what if it's. not a me issue. and i shouldn't have trusted that other ppl would take care of her. bc they aren't. trustworthy in that.#ugh but at the same time. she asked for space from me. what else was i supposed to assume than that she didn't want me around?#at the very very least at least I'm sure her family loves her a lot and will care for her and make sure she's okay. god. i hope so.#idk!! i care but in my position i don't think me caring or wanting to help does anything. she doesn't want my support. she doesn't want me.#idk it's something wrong w me probably i genuinely don't know. she's the one telling me she's worried I'm pushing ppl away so.#it's not behavior she condones ig so it makes no sense if she does it herself if she believed i was good for/to her but still pushed me away#so in conclusion There's gotta be something that i fucked up There's gotta be sth wrong w me but i. god. i.#i have so much to nitpick with myself i genuinely don't even know if I'm a good measure or judge of what i did wrong or right.
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#personal#really trying not to be bitter about how today was supposed to be the last full day of my vacation#where I hung out with ppl I really liked in a national park and hiked/had a fun picnic as a sendoff for finally getting to see them offline#and instead I was at work. serving ppl pizza bc our kitchen staff couldn't come in. dealing with the temps dropping down to sub 40s#like in isolation today really was a chill day I feel good. but in comparison it's just 🥲🙃#but whatever#things shook out how they did and there's nothing I can do about it now#this damn situation fucked up my entire march I will not continue brooding through the rest of april#I'm gonna play cyberpunk with friends tomorrow. have tentative plans to hang out with another friend next week#folks at work are happy to see me back and despite it all I had a good vacation#people who know me like me! so there!
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