#so i read a lot into the prequels that was maybe not totally intentional at the time

[aahsoka]

The accents weren’t the whole reason the Trade Federation was racist?

maybe its just a me thing and im seeing stuff that isnt there but the combo of the accents (which were apparently…. white british men doing thai accents??) and the look of the neimodians and the clothes (tho everyone has asian inspired clothes in star wars; specifically they are reminiscent of court officials in historical china) and them being an evil corporate entity ….

just reminds me of like the fear of chinas growing economic power in the west ? (at one time this also was a fear people had about Japan)

sorry my cat desperately needs my attention apparently so this isnt super well thought out

i might be reading too much into it and im sure it wasnt like super intentional. most star wars racism seems to be george lucas being a white american and just not realizing it could come across that way.

[newpathwrites]

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 12 - Home

Anyway, you were totally unbothered, completely relaxed on top of him now… and you appeared to have no intention of moving.

“What is this , Cyar’ika?” he chuckled softly. “Are you falling asleep on me?”

“Hmmm…” you sighed, contented. “I’m tired… and happy…”

He smiled broadly, even though you couldn’t see it, your eyes closing as you began to nod off. “I’m happy, too, riduur,” he whispered. “I’m glad we found our way back to each other.”

Summary: Things never quite go back to normal after Din’s injury, and it appears there is trouble in paradise. Maybe it’s the end… or maybe it’s a new beginning.

Note: Bear with me. It gets weird for a bit, but the payoff is satisfying I think. And believe me, it’s going to get weirder still because I’m going to push the limits of non-sexual physical intimacy in the next few chapters.

The events of this chapter are alluded to briefly in the “there was only one bed” prequel and hinted at in the “confessions” installment.

Warnings: Angst, sexual references, kissing, and intimate (but non-sexual) touching. Lots of innuendos that go straight over Din’s head.

Read on AO3

————————————————————————

“Alright, explain to me again why Greef won’t tell us what’s going on.  I don’t like this…”

You could hear Din shifting in the passenger seat behind you, clearly getting agitated with your refusal to simply accept the conditions of this job.  “Please, just stop worrying,” his voice crackled through the modulator.  “Everything will be fine.  He just doesn’t want to give anything away over the comms.  He’ll tell us everything when we get there.”

After so many years, you knew every tell in this man’s voice and body language.  And that’s how, even with your back to him, you immediately recognized it.

He was lying.  

Din never lied to you.

This was a worrisome development, and now you were no longer just concerned about this mysterious job Greef Karga was using to lure you to Nevarro.  You were legitimately worried about your marriage.

Everything had felt off since Din’s near-fatal injury a few months ago.  There was no particular conflict between you on a personal level, and easy affection endured as always, even if more intimate activity had been severely limited since his recovery.  But every conversation around your work was strained - fraught with an emotional weight that had been throwing your partnership off course.

You were both getting older - no way around it… And after very nearly losing Din to what was supposed to be a simple mission, you’d become even more averse to the kinds of risky jobs that tended to attract his attention, the overly confident and stubborn warrior that he was.  But he’d proven now that, even with his beskar, he wasn’t invincible.  And so, in your opinion, it simply wasn’t worth the risk.  You’d been pushing safer jobs, the kind that were boring and didn’t pay as well… you didn’t need the extra credits, anyway.  In fact, you could both retire right now and live comfortably enough for the rest of your days.

Din, on the other hand, had no interest in admitting that he was no longer the same man he was at twenty years old… that if he hoped to live twenty more with you, he might have to take the softer route - or as Din viewed it… the cowardly one.  There had been a lot of back and forth on this issue, a source of frustration for you both.

And it was weird… because there had never been anything but peace and contentment between you before all of this.  And in these past few weeks, the unease had evolved into something new… something worse…  You were quite certain he was keeping a secret from you…

—-------------------------------------

For the first time ever, your arrival in Nevarro was met with little fanfare, Greef apparently disposing of his typical flamboyant hospitality.  It was almost eerie in its uncharacteristic lack of ostentation, and that set you even more on edge.  Had your circumstances on this planet changed without your knowledge?

As you stepped off the ramp, Din was suddenly exuding anxiety - a nervous state that was incredibly rare for him.  No longer were you confused and annoyed with the situation… you were truly fearful…  What in the ever-loving kriff was going on here?  Were you walking into a death trap or something?

Din didn’t say anything but started walking off toward the town center, and you hesitantly followed.

But as you approached and then passed Greef’s headquarters without stopping, you couldn’t take it anymore.

You grabbed Din by the arm, forcing him to stop and look at you.  “Tell me what is happening right now,” you demanded as you poked the center of his chest plate .  “I know you are hiding something from me.”

He stood stock-still for a moment, like you’d caught him unprepared.  “Cyar’ika… I… It’s a…” he stumbled over his words before sighing loudly.  “Everything is fine.  I promise.”  He took your hands and curled them over the top edge of his chest plate, mimicking the gesture he’d once used to silently ask you to remove his armor and consummate your marriage, one he used often still to remind you of the immense trust placed in your bond.  “ Please, just trust me…”

You stared into his visor long enough to make him squirm a bit.  You were never like this - almost cold - especially not with him.  But you conceded, finally, to his vow of trust.  In nearly a decade he’d never given you reason not to, so why would you suddenly mistrust him now?

“Okay.  Fine.”  You nodded slightly, and he breathed a small sigh of relief before continuing on toward the secret destination.

————————————————————

You didn’t walk much further before Greef Karga came into view, standing in front of a rather small but cozy-looking home, and dressed not in his usual indulgent attire but instead ratty work clothes covered in dust and grime.

“Mando!” he boomed as Din approached with an outstretched hand.  “Marshall Dune and I have been doing a little sprucing up in anticipation of your arrival.  Consider it a housewarming present.”

Huh?

Din took his forearm warmly, the nervous tension suddenly draining from his form.  “Thanks, Greef.  It’s good to see you.”

“And it’s always good to see you, old friend,” the man replied with an almost fatherly affection.

Karga turned to you then with a brilliant smile.  “Ah, you are a sight for sore eyes,” he said as he put an arm around your shoulder and swept the other across the view of the property.  “Welcome, my dear… to your humble abode.”

Din held his breath as he watched the understanding dawn on your face.  But what felt like a full minute passed, and you still hadn’t said a word, head cocked to the side in confusion and your expression unreadable.

The silence was broken as Cara walked up behind Din and hit him hard in the shoulder.  “Did you seriously not tell her, dummy?”

He was enticed to speak then - he had to know what you were thinking.  “Cyar’ika… if you don’t like it, I can…”

You put up a hand to stop him.  This was a story that needed to be told from the beginning.

Greef and Cara quickly excused themselves to give you a moment of privacy.  This was a rather scary look on you.

“So… This place is mine ?”

“No.”  He shook his head.  “Ours.”  Alright, so at least this wasn’t a parting gift.

“You bought it?”  He nodded in affirmation.  “When?”

He looked down a bit sheepishly.  “A few years ago… with what I had left of the reward on Gideon.  Remember the mission I took alone with Boba here in Nevarro?”

Damn .  He’d been keeping this secret from you for years .

You shook your head, still confused.  “Din, why wouldn’t you tell me?  Maker… was this a backup plan…?”  Had he considered severing your partnership?

He stepped forward quickly and held you by the shoulders, visor looking straight into your eyes.  “Cyar’ika, no.   I always planned on telling you about it eventually… and if you don’t like it, we can sell it.  I shouldn’t have done this behind your back...”

“But why did you do it behind my back in the first place?  You and I don’t keep secrets like this.”  You really couldn’t fathom why he would have done this.  However benign this infraction, it was still a glaring omission in an otherwise exceedingly open and honest partnership.

His visor dropped to his feet.  “I… I don’t know…”

There was something vulnerable in his voice then that softened you, and all of your fears about the recent tension in your marriage faded away in an instant.  Din would never do something in regards to you or your relationship with anything but the best and most loving intentions in mind… even if he sometimes missed the mark. 

You lifted his chin with your finger and then met his helmet in a keldabe.  “Yes, you do…” you whispered.  “Tell me.”

He took a deep breath before finally responding to your gentle inquiry.  “I don’t know how many times you’ve told me that someday you would retire from hunting and sell your ship, settle down and stay in one place for once… and I want you to have that…”

“So you set this up in anticipation of future needs?”

He nodded against your forehead.  “Karga had been telling me that properties were going cheap, and I figured Nevarro would be a good planet for us.  We have friends here… easier work with the New Republic if we needed it…”  He paused for a moment to gather his wits.  “And I didn’t tell you because… I wasn’t ready yet to stay in one place.  I’ve lived my entire adult life among the stars…”

You started to shake your head, assure him that you would never force him into such a thing when he wasn’t ready, but he went on -

“And you give me so much… things I didn't even know I wanted… and for once, I figured maybe I could do the same for you… the one grand gesture I could offer you someday…”

Oh, Din …

“The notion that you don’t give me enough is ridiculous - of course you do… But we’ll talk about that later.”  You gestured toward the front door.  “Why don’t you show me the house.”

He straightened up at that.  “You’re not angry?”

“I’m… confused… and we need to discuss some things - or maybe a lot of things.  But I know when your heart is in the right place, riduur.”  You smiled genuinely then, putting his mind at ease, before moving away to pull him by the hand along with you toward your new second home.

————————————————————

Cara and Greef were still scrambling as you opened the door, trying to appear casual, as if they hadn’t been spying on you through the glass.

Din surprised even you as you both stepped inside, reaching up to release his helmet and pulling it off his head.  Apparently, Greef Karga was one of the chosen ones.  Your husband was turning over a new leaf.

Greef stood in utter shock, the blood draining from his face, while Cara looked on in delighted amusement.

“Is this how I die, Mando?  After all these years of friendship…”

Din subtly rolled his eyes at the dramatics.  “I’ll let you live,” he replied, voice dripping with his typical sarcasm before heading toward the living space.  “This time…”

Greef looked frantically between you and Cara, chuckling nervously.  “He’s joking… right?”

“It is hard to tell sometimes, isn’t it?” you joked, patting him reassuringly on the shoulder.  “You’re safe, Greef.”

He released a relieved exhale, mumbling to himself, “Of course he’s a looker under there…”  But he got his bearings back quickly, guiding you further into the home.  “Alright, now - let me give you a tour of the place.”

Despite the small size of the home, the general living space was actually quite roomy, and in keeping with your and Din’s rather minimal lifestyle, Karga had provided only the bare essentials of furnishings, leaving plenty for you to work with as needed.  

You were duly impressed.  Already, this home felt quite fitting for you.

“Din, look at all this empty space.  We’ve never had this much room to move around.  We could spar in here if we wanted to.”

Cara couldn’t hold back a snicker.  “Yeah, you can ‘spar’ in every room to bless the place.”

Din looked back at her blankly.  “That’s a terrible idea,” he deadpanned, completely serious.  “We would break things.”

The former rebel was legitimately laughing now, Karga following suit.  “Excuse me, I forgot… you two will just ‘ hug and kiss’ in every room…”

You shook your head, finding these same old jokes quite tiresome, while Din grew more confused.  “Why in every room?  Even the fresher?”  He looked at you for clarification.  Was this some sort of custom?

Cara couldn’t help it.  “ Especially the fresher…”

“Okay, that’s enough.”  You gave her a warning look before speaking to Din under your breath.  “I’ll explain it to you later.”

————————————————————

Karga guided you through a small, simple kitchen before showing you to the fresher.  It wasn’t huge by any means, but relatively speaking, it was enormous compared to the cramped space you were using on your ship.

He looked at you with delight before pulling back the curtain.  “I think you’ll like this.  It’s got one of these new-fangled shower heads with several different settings, and you can see there’s plenty of space in here.”

The shower was pretty basic, but you’d dreamed of having one of even standard size.  “Hey, Din - come look at this.  You can take a shower in here without touching the walls.”  You turned back to Karga with an appreciative smile as Din came to look over your shoulder.  “You were right, Greef.  I do like this.”

Cara cleared her throat behind you and coughed out, “Looks big enough for two…”

Din froze for a moment, glancing sideways at you.  Ah, he understood that one.

You turned around and glared at her, mouthing quietly to please stop .  It was one thing to joke with you privately, which you could handle with good-natured humor, but not with Din and Greef standing right there .  Your intimate life, an unconventional one at that, was a personal thing and had been suffering quite a bit of strain recently.  

It did strike you as odd, though, that you were so self-conscious in front of Din himself.  Normally, it was something you would both laugh off and forget about - a total non-issue.  So why did it feel like an issue now?

Stars , things were really getting weird between you two.  Tonight, you decided, it was time to air all of this out.

————————————————————

“Not a word,” you whispered in Cara’s ear as Greef made his way to the sleeping area.  You were terrified at this point of what other uncomfortable allusions might leave her mouth in regards to your sleeping arrangements.

“Here we have your master bedroom,” he started.  “Bed sleeps two comfortably assuming you plan to share it.”

He opened the door to a second room right next to it, adding, “And if you don’t, there’s a second smaller bedroom here.  It would also work well for a certain tiny, green foundling who may visit from time to time.  Cara and I dragged a bedrail over for him - on us.  It’s in the corner there.”  He winked at Din who appeared to genuinely appreciate the gesture.

“Grogu’s room…” Din whispered with a sad smile, and you reached over to squeeze his gloved hand once in comfort before offering your combined gratitude.

“That’s very thoughtful.  Thank you, both.”

Cara smiled.  “You’re welcome.”  She turned her face toward you and added under her breath, “Proud of me?  I didn’t say one word about all of the room you’ll have in that bed for ‘ activities ’…”

“Please, Cara,” you groaned.  “I really need you to stop with the innuendos…”

The two men had moved on to the back of the house now, so you had a moment of relative privacy, and Cara took advantage, turning to face you fully with a look of concern.

“Hey,” she started, laying a hand on your shoulder.  “Is everything alright between you two?”

You looked back at her for a few long seconds, inwardly debating how much you should tell her about the recent tension in your relationship.  Maybe talking about it with someone who knew you both so well would be helpful…

“It’s just… weird… right now.”

“How so?” she prodded, eyes narrowed.  “Has he not been handling his recovery well?”

You shrugged, “Well, that’s part of it, though the fact that he brought me here suggests we may be closer to an understanding than I thought.  I guess he just needed some time to work through everything…”

“Okay, sure,” Cara replied, unconvinced.  “But what’s with this reaction to the sex jokes?  You know I’m just kidding around.  You’re both being really awkward, honestly, and it’s very unlike you.”  She paused, thinking through your behavior earlier.  “Did something happen?  You know… sexually?”

Your head dropped into your hands - this was the part that was especially hard to talk about.

“Sort of…” you started, feeling out of your depth discussing this.  “But no… ”

Cara huffed, both amused and a little frustrated with your equivocal response.  You and Din had quite the unusual relationship.  “Okay, walk me through it…” she suggested kindly.

Deep breath - you could do this with her.  “So we were kissing…”

“Like ‘greeting your mother’ kissing… or ‘necking like teenagers’ kissing?” Cara immediately interrupted.  “I need context.”

“Uhhh…”  This was already getting embarrassing.  “More like the second one…”

She nodded in understanding and gestured for you to continue.

Alright, rip off the bandage.

“He… grabbed my breast.”

Cara stared at you for a moment, not sure how to interpret that statement.  “Okay…?”

No, that sounded weirder than it actually was.  “It was definitely an accident,” you clarified.  “I’m positive.”

Cara believed you entirely on that front - Din was endearingly polite and respectful.  “I mean… it’s weird, I guess, if he doesn’t usually touch you there, but if it was an accident… What’s the big deal?”

You closed your eyes, willing away the flush that was overtaking your body in embarrassment.  “I liked it…”

Cara snorted against her will at that.  “Sorry… I’m sorry… What happened after that?”

“He apologized right away… but I was extremely awkward because I was so thrown off by my own reaction… Ever since then, he’s been affectionate but not very physical at all.  He’s barely touched me in weeks… and pulls away when I try to initiate anything…”

“Maybe he feels like he violated you?” Cara offered thoughtfully.  “Have you talked to him about it?”

You shook your head.  “I don’t know what to say…”  Navigating this kind of intimacy was brand new territory.  Din had told you a long time ago that he was willing to give anything a try if you were interested, but even so, you’d never ventured beyond some mildly passionate kissing, hands always remaining safely in neutral areas.

“Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do,” she started with mock authority.  “You’re going to say, ‘Din, please join me in our enormous new bed so that I can jump your bones…’”

“ Kriff , Cara… It’s not a sexual thing… and keep your voice down…” you whispered.

She cocked her head to the side, now even more confused by you.  “How is it not sexual?”

“Because it has nothing to do with sex… It’s more sensual - the way you would enjoy a massage… and there’s just something very satisfying about the idea of allowing someone you trust to be intimately familiar with your body.  It doesn’t have to lead to anything more…”

She looked at you pointedly.  “It sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought…”

“Well,” you started timidly.  “Kissing and cuddling are nice, but it’s been the same thing for years.  I’d been itching to try something new - but terrified to ask…”

Cara sighed and wrapped an arm around your shoulder.  “Unfortunately, I don’t think I can offer much help, friend.  If I’m touching breasts, it’s definitely a sex thing…  But anyway, talk to him .  You two are good at that.”  She squeezed your shoulder once more in support.  “Come on.  Karga’s probably chomping at the bit waiting to show you the back of the house.”

————————————————————

“Now this ,” Karga announced dramatically, “is the most impressive feature of the home - my idea - and customized just for you, Mando.”

Din went to put his helmet on before stepping out onto the screened-in back porch, but Karga stopped him with a hand to the forearm.

“You don’t need that.”

He showed you both that you could easily view your surroundings through the screens, as if you were sitting outside, perfect to enjoy the sun on clear days - and then demonstrated that those on the outside couldn’t see in…  It was a one-way view.

“You see - perfect for a man like yourself who needs some privacy, and you can sit out here together in the evenings without the helmet.  You like it?”

Din shook his head in wonder.  “Greef, this is… thank you…”

Karga embraced him by the forearms.  “After everything you’ve done for our little planet, it is my pleasure… and I understand the significance of allowing me to know your face… so thank you … Din.”

The two separated rather abruptly soon after the exchange, self-conscious masculinity winning out.  But it had been a rather sweet moment between these two hardened men, and both you and Cara couldn’t help but smile.

As your friends prepared to leave you to your first night in your new home, Din insisted that he should cover the cost of all of the furnishings Karga had provided out of his own pocket, which the older man adamantly refused.  You supposed if throwing his money around was Greef Karga’s love language, then so be it.

————————————————————

“How does it feel to be in your own home?” you asked Din, head resting against his shoulder, as you sat together on the back porch admiring the Nevarro sunset.

He shrugged noncommittally.  “I haven’t had a home like this since I was a young boy in Aq Vetina.”  He paused and took a sip of the expensive wine Karga had left as a housewarming gift.  “But as far as I’m concerned… home is where you are.”

Ah… be still your heart.  

“That’s an incredibly sweet thing to say.  I feel the same.”

“Well, it’s the truth.”  That was Din for you, just telling it like it is.

“So…” you began hesitantly, the alcohol ameliorating your nerves just enough to broach this difficult conversation.  “What exactly is going on here?  Are we retiring?  Selling the ship?  Forgive me, but this is a bit of a turnaround for you…”

He huffed quietly.  “I don’t think I’m quite ready to give it up yet… but maybe we can slow down a little and lay low here between jobs… Would that be alright with you?”  He turned his head to look at you, gauging your reaction.

“Of course,” you replied.  “That’s all I've been asking for, really.  What changed your mind?”

He paused for several moments, numerous emotions passing over his face that you couldn’t quite decipher.  “I saw you crying… when you were cleaning out the storage compartment a few weeks ago.  It was the box we’d brought my armor home from the med center in - the one with my bloody flack vest… wasn’t it?”

You nodded - being reminded of him lying there on that base in a pool of his own blood had made you suddenly emotional.  But you hadn’t realized that Din saw you that day.

“In Mandalorian culture, we’re only worth as much as we provide for our tribe.  I was so against slowing down because… if I couldn’t provide… then what use was I to you?”  The emotion in his voice was clear - he’d been dealing with a huge internal conflict these last few months.  

“But seeing your reaction that day,” he continued, “reminded me that you just want me alive and well by your side… and it helped me to see all of it from a different perspective...”

“I understand,” you replied softly.  “And this is the first, small step in slowing down… I get it.”

He chuckled lightly.  “You always do…”

You felt the heavy weight that had settled around your relationship lifting then.  You’d both been dealing with some demons as Din recovered from his nearly fatal injury, and it understandably took some time to find your rhythm together again.  But it felt really good to be back in this place.

You spent much of the evening just sitting together talking, slowly wrapping more fully around each other’s bodies, your arm winding around his middle and his around your back, finally finding the physical closeness that had been so lacking recently.

Eventually, when things were feeling comfortable again, you broached the topic you’d been avoiding out of embarrassment - and maybe a bit of fear.

“Din, I want to ask you something…”

He tilted his head down at you and gestured for you to go ahead.

“Why have you been avoiding being intimate with me?  It’s been ever since… a certain inadvertent grabbing incident…”

Despite his guilt, Din was glad you were bringing this up - it had been eating him up inside…

“You reacted like you were upset…”

“I wasn’t, by the way,” you interjected.  “Even if I was being a little weird…”

Well, that was good to know. 

He continued, “And the last time I touched you there… like really touched you, besides some accidental brush… was almost a huge mistake… and I’ve been so afraid that I had hurt you somehow, even if it was an accident…”

The last time?  

Oh… He was referring to what happened just before his duel with Bo-Katan, less than a year into your marriage.  His death felt imminent at the time, and a whirlwind of fear, panic, and a desperation to feel close to each other one last time had fostered a sudden and unexpected desire.  

You’d put a stop to it, sensing it would be a mistake.  But by the time you got your bearings, your shirt was open, pants were coming unfastened, and hands were drifting into places they’d never been before and hadn’t been since.

“You’re talking about what happened before the duel with Bo-Katan…”

He nodded.

“Din, that was five years ago…”

“And I still feel guilty about it… If I ever did something to traumatize you, I would never forgive myself… and I was so afraid I’d done it again…”

You put a hand to his chest and looked directly into his eyes, needing him to really understand this.  “Stop that.  What happened back then was a two-man job… you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly, letting out a relieved exhale.  “Okay…”

“And Din, I would never fault you for an accident.”

He opened his eyes and looked at you, this time less guiltily and more confused.  “But the way you reacted…”

You cleared your throat nervously before revealing the truth, asking, “What if I told you… I would like it…?”

“If I touched your…”

You nodded, not sure what else to say here.  You needed to gauge his reaction first.

“I would be… surprised…”

At least he wasn’t shocked and appalled…  

“Cyar’ika,” he started again carefully, “Explain this to me…”

“Okay…” you exhaled.  You could do this .  “I don’t mean any offense - our kissing sessions are extremely enjoyable - but physical intimacy has felt a little stale recently… always the same…”

He nodded along as you spoke.  Apparently, he had similar feelings.

“I don’t want sex - that’s still true… But there’s a lot of territory in between… and I’m interested in exploring that if you are…”

He was interested - you could see that in his expression, but so much here was an unknown for you both.

“Can you give me some examples of what you’d be comfortable trying?  I don’t want to make any assumptions.”  Respectful as always.

“Uhhh…” You tried desperately to sound casual, like you hadn’t spent hours thinking about this and making yourself weirdly self-conscious.  “Maybe just… existing together in fewer clothes… or no clothes… like when we go to bed at night… or removing the limits on where we can touch… or someday doing as Cara suggested and use the shower together… stuff like that?”

He didn’t respond for several long moments, and you were afraid he was disgusted with you.  But then he smiled.  “Alright… but I’ll need to work up to the naked thing…”

You chuckled in spite of yourself.  He was up for anything as long as he kept his clothes on - that was so very Din.  

“Deal.”

You looked at each other, smiling, truly content after a long period of feeling somewhat estranged.  And it was sort of exciting, the prospect of trying something new.

Even so, it surprised you when Din suddenly rose and held out a hand in your direction.  “Come on.”  He gestured toward the door which opened to the inside of the home.

And suddenly you were nervous.  Already?  Right now?

————————————————————

He led you to the master bedroom and stood before you, leaning in to rest his forehead on yours as he wrapped your hands around his chest plate.  “What do you say we re-dedicate this thing?”

Stars… He wanted to consummate your marriage a second time… The idea was very fitting.

You laughed softly and whispered back, “Yeah, let’s do it.”

You were much more familiar now with the armor than you had been the first time you’d done this.  And that allowed for this to be a more intimate moment, kissing him gently now and then as pieces of beskar came free and were placed on the bed behind him, while he ran his ungloved hands up and down your arms and over your shoulders.

It had been so long since you felt close to him like this.  And it felt wonderful .

When the last pieces of beskar were removed and the flight suit pulled off, leaving him in the thin shirt and pants he wore underneath, he walked backwards to sit on the edge of the bed and moved to pull you into his lap. 

Ah… he was recreating those first moments of your truly consummated marriage years ago.  

But you had another idea…

He looked up at you in confusion, not having expected resistance to his gentle pull, but you moved forward to stand between his legs, smiling mischievously down at him.

“When we started working together and sharing the bunk, I started wearing extra clothes to bed at night - for your comfort…”

You took his hands and held them in your own.

“But taking off the breast band at the end of the day is glorious… and by the way, I hate wearing pants while I sleep…”

You slid his palms up under your top until his fingers just brushed the bindings at your chest.

“I’m thinking it’s a boundary that we don’t really need anymore, and if you're comfortable with that… maybe you’d like to do the honors…”

It was an admittedly silly reversal of the disarmoring you’d just performed on him, but it was genuine and a low risk way to ease into a new kind of intimacy.

He surprised you, though, by letting out a huff of laughter, hands still bunched up under your tunic.  “Cyar’ika, you’ve been uncomfortable in your own bed for a full decade on my account?  Maker…  You can wear whatever you want…”

He was laughing so hard that you couldn’t help but giggle - he was never like this.  “Be that as it may, riduur,” you said, trying to sound serious.  “I was going for something playfully alluring here…”

Oh, he was getting it now - this was an intimate thing… and one that had no other expectations attached to it.  This was what you meant…

He was still shaking his head in amusement as he fumbled around underneath the fabric to find the knot and untie it, eventually allowing the thin band to fall to the floor.  And then his hands moved to the waist of your pants as he looked up at you for permission.  You nodded, and he proceeded to unbutton and pull them down over your hips, leaving you finally in just your tunic and underwear.  

You were still fully covered, only your legs somewhat bare, but he could understand why you wouldn’t have wanted to wear so little when he first came to live on the ship.

You took both of his hands in your own again and brought them slowly enough to hover over your chest that he had plenty of time to pull away if he wanted to - but he didn’t, curiosity passing over his features.  Finally, you pressed his palms firmly into your cloth-covered breasts.  

“There - now we’ve broken the ice… so there was absolutely no harm done…”

You pulled his hands away from your body then and asked with seriousness, gesturing to your relatively underdressed form, “Is this alright?  Comfortable?”

“Yeah…”  He shook his head, adding, “You are so soft…”

You chuckled and finally sunk into his lap, legs straddling his hips, wrapping your arms around him in a tight embrace.

“I’ve really missed you, sweetheart,” you whispered softly into his neck.

He squeezed you tighter, replying, “I’ve missed you, too, riduur… Can I kiss you?”

You pulled back to look at him, recalling certain memorable moments of your marriage - the shocked expression on his newly revealed face when you’d kissed him for the first time the day you took the vows, the pride you’d felt the first time he’d kissed you of his own volition a few weeks later, and the contentment he exuded that night on Tatooine when he’d realized that kissing you could be an intimate act unto itself - one that didn’t have to fundamentally change anything else about your relationship.

How could you have ever thought that this had just become routine?

And so you did, and you made up for the lost time, too, kissing him long and slow…

Din, for his part, was realizing that the unspoken limits that had been placed on your relationship years ago now, back when all of this was brand new and unfamiliar… didn’t really need to exist anymore… 

So if he wanted to slip his fingers underneath your tunic to caress the soft skin of your back while he kissed you… he could simply do it…

And he did.

It surprised you for a moment, but it was not at all unwelcome.  This was, in fact, exactly the kind of intimacy for which you’d been longing.

So you responded in kind, reaching up to run your fingers through his hair, the one simple pleasure that could make this hyper-alert man fully relax in an instant.  And then you took advantage of his slack-jawed state, your tongue meeting his through parted lips.

For the first time, you felt entirely free to let go and fully enjoy every part of this, wherever it led you, not worrying that if hands inadvertently wandered or arousal unexpectedly reared its head that it might then lead to some irrevocable change in the nature of your relationship.  

It wouldn’t… because the decision to allow such things to fade away without further action was predetermined… and without judgment…

Like, for example, when you grew tired and reluctantly pulled away, shifting your weight so that he tipped backward on the bed, and your body rested atop him - he wordlessly grabbed you by the hips and pulled you several inches further up his torso, removing the stimulation of your pelvis pressed a bit too firmly against particular parts of his anatomy.  

It really didn’t have to be a big, uncomfortable thing if you were on the same page…

Anyway, you were totally unbothered, completely relaxed on top of him now… and you appeared to have no intention of moving.

“What is this , Cyar’ika?” he chuckled softly.  “Are you falling asleep on me?”

“Hmmm…” you sighed, contented.  “I’m tired… and happy…”

He smiled broadly, even though you couldn’t see it, your eyes closing as you began to nod off.  “I’m happy, too, riduur,” he whispered.  “I’m glad we found our way back to each other.”

You mumbled something then that sounded like an agreement, but sleep had fully taken you at this point so he gently rolled you onto the mattress by his side before wrapping his body protectively around yours and succumbing to sleep himself.

————————————————————

Your first awareness the next morning was of warm flesh against your bare stomach as your eyes opened to an unfamiliar ceiling.  It took several moments to fully put it all together.

“Good morning, cyar’ika,” Din greeted you, and you turned your head to look at him.

“Hey, sweetheart.”  You lifted a hand to smooth your thumb over his beard.  “You look well-rested.”  

You took stock of your own state then.  Your tunic had bunched up during the night, baring your abdomen, and Din had taken the initiative to try something he’d never done before without the barrier of clothing, brushing circles on your stomach with his knuckles.

So he’d been itching to try out some things, too, it seemed.

“Is this okay?” he asked, a bit insecure in this new territory.

You nodded and smiled before taking his hand and laying it flat against your skin.  “You’re welcome to explore further…”

He froze and looked at you, curiosity in his expression mixed with some healthy trepidation.  He needed your explicit permission before he did anything else.  He wasn’t sure what ‘further’ even meant… 

So you showed him, covering his hand with yours and sliding it up under the fabric until his fingers were splayed across the middle of your chest.  “You can touch… if you want to…”

While your words and actions last night had certainly fostered quite a lot of curiosity about this exceedingly soft part of your body… all of this bare skin was a bit overwhelming for him if he was being really honest.  This felt like something he’d need to work up to…

He hoped you weren’t disappointed.

But you were nothing of the sort when he drew his hand back down to rest on your stomach.

“I…”

“Hey, no…” you interrupted him right away.  “You don’t have to explain.  I don’t ever want you to do something that you don’t enthusiastically want to do.”  You solidified the point by lifting his hand to your lips and kissing his palm before laying it over your heart, this time on top of the fabric.  “We’re okay?”

“We’re okay,” he nodded.  “I just need to take this slow… but it does feel good to explore stuff with you again… like old times…”  He referred to the early days of marriage, when the ability to be with you sans armor and helmet opened up so many possibilities for physical closeness that he’d never experienced before.

You smiled.  “Like old times.”

You were interrupted then by a knock at the front door, and Din grabbed his helmet before getting up to head into the main living space.  “Who in the galaxy would that be?”

————————————————————

You heard the front door sliding shut and figured it was safe to emerge from the bedroom, Din probably having sent the unexpected visitor away.

“Hey, Din, who was at the…” 

The words died on your lips as you took in Greef and Cara’s bewildered faces.

Kriff… you weren’t wearing much, and the thin fabric of your tunic left little to the imagination.  

Greef’s eyes immediately turned to the floor as he fumbled over a morning greeting, while Cara’s lips turned up in a delighted smirk.  Din stood there, helpless, having no idea what to do in this uncomfortable situation.  

You yourself looked like a bantha in the headlights.  But Cara Dune, cool and collected as always, grabbed you swiftly by the arm and dragged you into the bedroom. 

“ Maker… ” you muttered.  “That was embarrassing…”

Cara chuckled, endlessly amused.  “I’m not sure Karga will ever look you in the eyes again.”

You groaned and immediately reached for your bags, digging around for a fresh set of clothes.  

“So…” Cara started cheekily as you pulled on a new pair of leggings.  “Looks like you two had a great night…”

You ignored the innuendo and simply answered truthfully, peeling off your tunic and looking around for your breast band.  “It was a really great night, honestly.  We talked... and I think we’re in a good place…”

“So good that you dropped your pants and underclothes right here at the foot of the bed?” she asked in response, making note of where you finally found the missing breast band.

“It was… a little extra intimate last night… but nothing too risqué by your standards.  The sexual stuff is just not who we are - as I keep telling you ,” you replied, tying the fabric in place and pulling a fresh shirt over your head.  “Case in point… I’ve just now spent more time naked in front of you than in front of my own husband in the entirety of our marriage.”  You shrugged.  It was just a fact.  “If that helps you understand.”

“Alright, I get it.  But jokes aside,” she inquired genuinely.  “You guys are really okay?  I’m not going to have a heartbroken Mandalorian crying on my shoulder?”

You shook your head and smiled.  “We’re okay.  I promise.”  

————————————————————

Meanwhile, Din was facing a similar inquisition and pretending as if he had no idea what Karga was talking about.

“Din, your wife just walked out here wearing almost nothing…”

“She doesn’t like wearing pants while she sleeps.”

Karga scoffed.  “So you cuddled up with no pants on, and you’re really telling me that the conditions of your relationship haven’t changed?”

Din looked him straight in the eyes and answered simply, “Nope.”  He shrugged, adding, “ I was wearing pants.”

Karga shook his head in frustration.  “You’re being evasive, Mando.  Dune will tell me.  You know your wife is in there telling her everything, don’t you?”

“Yup.”

“Okay, then.  Keep your secrets…”

————————————————————

Over breakfast, Karga told you about a job he’d recommended you both for - a rather harmless target whose crimes were of the white collar variety - and who also happened to be very good at evading bounty hunters.  It was low risk but still worthy of your skills, and for the first time in months, you and Din agreed on something in regards to your work.

You’d leave tonight, knowing your new home was here waiting for you when you finished - a safe haven where you could relax together and rest your aging joints and enjoy time with your little found family of close friends.  

Maybe in time, you’d be here more often than not… 

And you and Din… Well, you were discovering new, small ways to feel close to each other every day.  The possibilities, it turned out, were endless when trust and honest communication prevailed.

It might have looked strange to an outsider, hovering over an invisible line without ever crossing it… but it was satisfying for both of you, and that’s all that mattered…

Because as Din so eloquently put it… as long as you were together, you were home .

————————————————————

THANKS FOR READING!

Post-note: If you want to read the referenced pre-duel scene and the original consummation of their marriage, check out chapter 5.

I feel like I’m often toeing the line with this fic, but I figure if sexual relationships sometimes need to be spiced up or rekindled, then why can’t a more sensual one go through that same evolution?  Basically, they’re establishing that they can actually explore more intimate things without any implication or expectation of sex hanging over it.

And - this relationship is not entirely free of conflict because no two people can be together this long without some misunderstanding or difference of opinion.  But their strength, as Cara mentions, is in their ability to communicate and feel safe doing so.  That is how they overcome life’s obstacles together.

Also, it was subtle, but if you didn’t catch it - lesbian Cara all the way!

Next chapter

[thats-it-im-fallingdown]

Alrighty! after finishing the prequel trilogy and the clone wars, here are my initial thoughts on season 1 of Star Wars rebels, which I also had not seen.

Spark of rebellion duology

-oh, ezra is straight up Aladdin but without the orientalist (so far. i have low hopes) imagery.

-Hera and kanun are going to become my favorite characters, I’m calling it now. i can just tell

-my only knowledge of sabine comes from the mandalore arc, since i wanted to be up to date for the mandalorian. I won’t pass judgement on her character yet, a single episode (at time of writing) is not enough have a full read on her. what i can say is that I’m always happy to see female Asian (coded) characters get to be something other than a racist caricature. she reads as southeast asian to me, but that’s probably me projecting [redacted story about Vietnamese family member explaining why i get that vibe] and not an intentional choice on the designers part.

-going into this, i know via osmosis that rebels is not as suitable for older audiences as clone wars was. I’m going to do my best to let this show stand on its own and not make comparisons. but no promises on how successful I’ll be!

-there’s going to be romantic tension between Ezra and sabine and i doubt I’m going to enjoy it much. i can already tell from the swishy helmet removal.

-the stormtrooper helmets look so wrong. i think it’s the shape of the mouth thingy? it makes the whole thing look terrible and bizarre

-how is kallus getting away with that facial hair. totally against military regulations and fashion laws

-zeb you’re a seemingly seasoned rebel, you know damn well the empire never goes easy on anyone. my boy is getting the pg version of having your fingernails torn out.

-where.. where was he hiding that holocron from the imperials?

-the wookiees also look uncanny. their faces are bigger and it’s like they’ve been stretched out. I’m trying not to compare rebels to tcw, buuuuuuuuut tcw adaptation of Wookiees worked better for me

-yes, I’ve been nitpicky. i have been a wet blanket. i admit to the good women of the jury that I’ve fallen short of the cinemawins attitude i strive to maintain here as i maintain a ruthlessly optimistic attitude in my lived life. in my defense, your honor, the characters have hooked me, ezra, hera, and kanan are especially promising to me

Droids in distress

-man, i miss being able to organize these posts into multi episode arcs. so clean and neat. hey, it’s a fair trade for getting an episode order that matches the chronology

-the Spanish translators didn’t seem to know what to do with sentient being used as a noun. can’t blame them, it’s not like I know either, but creature doesn’t seem quite right. actually fluent Spanish speakers please feel free to offer your opinion in the notes

-threepio looks fucked up too! i grew to tolerate tcw styles though, so it’s only a matter of time

-i mean, Garel’s sky looks lovely

-i was not expecting zeb of all the characters to be a genocide survivor, I’m glad he gets to be more than just The Big Guy of the band. hope the show runners follow up on zebs relationship with kanan

Fighter flight

-if it wasn’t Star Wars this would be a show about shitty shitty roommates

-Ezra’s slingshot is cute, but someone needs to give that boy a blaster

-sabine, top contender for worst roommate on the ghost for her use or spraypaint, which is especially effective at inducing headaches when recently applied

-this is kind of a filler episode, but I’m fond of it! there’s a little bit of Ezra’s background in there (the farmers knew his parents) and zeb and Ezra have settled into an older/younger brother dynamic that i like a lot.

Rise of the old masters

-if either zeb or Ezra had been a woman, the way they fell on each other would have been textbook anime romantic tension

-maybe do or do not there is no try is just what you say when your padawan is whining

-i knew that luminara wasn’t going to be part of the ensemble cast, she’s too firmly rooted in the prequels for a show that seems focused on the imperial era, but using her dead body as a trap is.. dang, okay. was not expecting this from the fruit stealing show I’ll admit

-ughh the skinny lightsabers. girl they look like they’d snap like a pencil if you dueled with them

-and the spinning too naur

-making kanan an insecure jedi because he didn’t get to completely become one is such an inspired choice to pair him with ezra

-you’d think the stormtroopers have never seen grenades before. did you guys not learn to get out of the way in basic training?

-they are playing space baseball <3 i am loving it

Breaking ranks

-ezra became heroic.. too quickly imo. i feel like a little more time should have been spent on that part of his character

-seeing how leonis could reappear at some point is kind of neat. i don’t really have much to say about this episode though? it’s not bad, but it’s a little bland for me

-take kell, for example. Ezra betrays him in a challenge so he can work with leonis, but except for kell initially thinking the inquisitor was a trick, it never comes back up again. I’m not expecting anything profound, but i would like follow up on stuff that walks and talks like a checkovs gun

Out of darkness

-I’m not a fan of this “the imperial academy didn’t allow questions” being equated to how intel sources need to remain confidential. so the fulcrum intel underestimated imperial defenses, but got everything else correct. I’m not convinced that enough of a reason to suspect it’s reliability, so it makes sabine come off as a brat to me

-but I’m looking forward to Sabine and Hera development, so I’m trying to let it slide

-argh sabine it’s so obvious fulcrum is working from inside the empire stop complaining about secrecy. sabine is physically coded as Asian but not at all culturally, and it’s not because she’s a mandalorian. if i spoke to any of my older Asian (not even east or southeast specifically, I’m talking west to south to east) relatives like that I’d get shouted into the next year

-okay, at least she apologized. sure, she’s still being an annoying teenager about it, but I’m a kettle, she’s a pot, etc etc.

-ahh, this isn’t about trust, it’s about Trust. I’m cheating a bit by knowing Sabine’s weapon thing, but at this point, i don’t think sabine really knows why she’s with these rebels. to stick it to the empire, sure, but that’s not enough. you’ve got to have goals, or principles. sabine is a Mandalorian, I doubt she cares about bringing the republic back, and i don’t think she knows what she’s doing beyond simply clawing at the empire anyway she can. or maybe I’m way off the mark and I’ll be shown up by the end of the episode

-tumbeasts in their natural habitat, not in captivity

-that base looks like it’s been abandoned for a while, so i wonder what those things eat when tasty tasty rebels aren’t on the menu

-alright, so things between ezra and sabine haven’t been unbearable, mainly bc it’s mostly comedic and also one sided

-oh I was reading way too much into the sabine/Hera/principles thing. still, an interesting enough train of thought to warrant leaving it up there

Empire day arc

-kanan, not forming attachments was uh. one of the main Jedi things. right below lightsabers and above wearing beige robes. but then it seems like he contradicts himself when he tells ezra not to hold on to his past— in other words, don’t be attached to what’s come and gone

-kallus = callous. it took me way too long to realize that

-is there an in universe reason that trackers aren’t registered by shields?

-i didn’t realize how badly the obi wan kenobi shoe fumbled reva until watching rebels. the spinning lightsaber is stupid, yes, but the writing is solid. this pau’an dude is a welcome addition where reva felt rushed

-this ezra being being vulnerable to the dark side is shaping up to be really interesting. I’m a little surprised to say this, but i think Ezra’s my favorite character at the moment.

-aw, the ending was so sweet

Path of the Jedi

-i wonder if the Jedi we see who have visible connections to their native cultures (depa billaba, luminara, barriss, shaak ti, ahsoka, etc) received some amount of training at temples on their homeworlds. if there’s an outpost on an outer rim out of the way planet like lothal, there could have been temples almost anywhere. we focus on coroscant in tcw because that’s where the action is, but that’s just one temple in a big galaxy

-I’m digging the temple design a lot

-disembodied yoda voice looks like qui gon jinn before he completed his force ghost training, but I’m almost certain he’s still alive on dagobah at this point?? it’s probably just a coincidence, or they didn’t bother doing a different mystical effect

-I’m usually not into dream/illusion sequences for doing character development at speed easily, but this one is doing well enough for me to be okay with it. i can’t help but enjoy force shenanigans

-declaring it now: kaiburr is a better spelling than kyber, and I will be sticking with the Spanish version for the foreseeable future. i will not accept any criticism at the time thank you

Idiots array

-technically, it’s a fine adaptation of lando put to animation but.. his mojo isnt there. I’m not convinced that this is a man who has sex. i simply am not.

-I’m not convinced his voice actor has either, honestly. where’s the smooth confidence?

-Jedi were statistically speaking, rare even before order 66. lando has canonically met three.

-this gambit he’s pulling with Hera.. L3 would never have allowed this to slide

-yes! beat his head in with his own gluttony! have I mentioned how much I like hera? because I like her a lot

-the fucking. puffer fish pig. lando slapping it like a car. if i wasn’t slightly loopy from the heat of my period cramp hot water bottle i would probably think this was dumb, but it’s really, really funny. unreasonably so.

Vision of hope

-p a d a w a n j a b b a

-trayvis is really beginning to seem like he’s working with the empire… i could be wrong, maybe he’s just a little incompetent

-aha! i was right, i have a good nose for genre conventions from all the Star Trek and x files I’ve watched

-for example: i can sort of feel that there’s still a twist about the Bridger parents that hasn’t been revealed yet

-have i mentioned how much i love hera?

Call to action

-a tarkin episode? let’s see how this plays out

-his animated model is more facially exaggerated than in the clone wars, which is.. I’m not keen on it, it makes him feel off, but it isn’t stopping me from enjoying how shady he is to the grand inquisitor. just like in tcw, all this hocus pocus gives him a headache!

-some times it’s like this show was made in a lab specifically to appeal to people with absent fathers. congrats laboratory, you’ve succeeded

-I’m glad there’s (kind of) an in universe explanation for why the rebels of the ghost aren’t as violent as in other shows. obviously it’s because of stylistic choices and age targeting, but tarkin saying that this group must have more pacifist principles relative to other cells makes things click more

-from five minutes is my optimistic estimate to three to you only get one minute. the life of an engineer.

-kanan, you say you’ll be right behind ezra but the sacrifice music is playing

-man I feel for ezra. weaponizing comms against the empire is how he lost his parents, and now it’s happening to his father figure despite getting a bad feeling about the mission

-tarkin in that helmet is so cursed

-hey, we’re going to see how the rebels form the alliance in this aren’t we? that’ll be a fun plotline.it’s crazy that this is the same era that Andor is taking place in.

Rebel resolve

-walking robots are always way, way, way harder to program, build, balance, design, and drive than something that’s wheeled. i shudder to imagine what piloting one of those walkers must be like.

-I’m not sure why telling vizago that kanan is a Jedi is a big deal? if it’s already a rumor, and you’re telling to somebody people probably won’t trust as far as they can throw, there can’t be much harm, especially if clues to kanans location are on the table

-assuming vizago is a devaronian with an unusual skin tone, he still looks very devilish when he cuts a deal with ezra

-really playing up the Hera as a mother figure with the particular way she gets angry when her son ezra gets mixed up with a bad crowd

-ships with folding parts, my beloved. you make Star Wars worth it

-so chopper just straight up threw that other droid out into the sky. okay, jealous much

-how would kanan know about mustafar being where Jedi go to get royally screwed up? i must be forgetting some fight that isn’t the obi wan-darth Vader/anakin duel

Fire across the galaxy

-I love the implication that sabine regularly tags and then blows up the empire’s stuff at this specific base

-aha, the starbird in the smoke. glad to see the animators having a good time with it

-sabine has the art style of a homemade racer I love this character so much

-if the inquisitor could force push him back on that bridge over the chasm, why couldn’t he just… force shove him off of it to his death

-tie fighters are much bigger on the inside than I remember them being for some reason

-so I was fucking wrong when I thought that fulcrum was an inside agent within the empire

-darth vader seems kind of overkill for a planet that’s supposed to be a backwater

But this season was a fun ride! I’m weak for tv shows that are more episodic and less.. overarching plot focused. (Think Star Trek snw vs Star Trek discovery. episodic vs main plot heavy. both are good, but episodic is getting rarer and rarer as seasons have less and less episodes) rebels delivered on that, though I expect subsequent seasons to have grander narratives now that ahsoka tano and darth vader are on the playing field. Overall, a solid setup that sold me on the ensemble!

[bitimdrake]

Out of curiosity, as someone who has never read asbr, what makes people so sure it was unintentional? Just because Miller's other work is so serious? Like, I hate Year One and have mixed to negative feelings about The Dark Knight Returns. But I have mixed to positive feelings about Miller's Daredevil. Even Year One effectively tells the terrible story its trying to tell. It's not like Miller was a totally incompetent writer. Did he just get worse as he aged? So it being this bad is believable?

You know what, you ask a fair question. I have nothing but negative feelings about Miller, but as much as i hate BYO, I still fully agree ASBR is on a whole 'nother level. But I'm convinced it was totally unintentional because--

First off....yes. He did just straight up get worse as he aged. This point comes with a grain of salt because I haven't personally read any of it myself, but a lot of Miller's later work has gotten horrible reception. The DKR sequel comes to mind as another piece that has really terrible reception and apparently bonkers takes on the characters. (Dick is the evil villain because Bruce abused him and therefore Bruce is the victim or something?? Again, I've never read this, but everything I've heard about it is so bad.)

Second, hyper conservative toxic masculinity Miller is exactly the kind of guy who I would believe could write someone as off the shits as ASBR Bruce and still believe he's the hero for being so cool and violent and idk let's say "decisive".

But third--I could maybe buy the idea that it was intentional if this was a elseworld's piece where, perhaps, we were meant to reveal Bruce as the real villain the whole time. But from everything about it I have read, ASBR was intended to be the actual new origin story for Dick--something that could broadly fit into continuity enough to be read like the Year One brand of comics as a prequel. And that is just--fucking wild. There is no way child kidnapping tryhard deadly irresponsible ASBR Batman could ever work as a predecessor to the real thing, which pretty well convinces me that Miller never fucking realized how nightmarish this Bruce is and thought he was just dialing up the cool.

And finally, even after all the bad reception and horrible reviews and universal criticism of ASBR, Miller apparently still intended (intends?) to go back and finish the story because boy howdy does he think he's got a great ending for it. And zero self-awareness.

[demenior]

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons: 

I love talking about my own work and 

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and 

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories. 

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God. 

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’. 

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency. 

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics. 

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression. 

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question. 

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”. 

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish? 

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent 

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult 

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance! 

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired). 

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc. 

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years. 

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did. 

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.) 

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

[mxillusion]

Just let me love you.

➝ pairing: im jaebum x reader  

➝ genre/warnings: angsty fluff, roommate!AU

➝ words count: 2600+

➝ summary: After sharing one bed with your flatmate, everything seems to be different. You try your best to not show your confusion, but another incident makes everything even worse. Yet here you are, with a racing heart and dead certainty he’ll break your heart. Read the prequel here!

It's only been two days. Two days and you weren't able to think straight anymore. Jaebum was on your mind twenty-four-seven lately, and there was nothing you could do about it. In actual fact, this was nothing new to you, but since he spent the night in your bed - somehow cuddled up to you - your head was spinning. You expected you wouldn't get any sleep this night, but as soon as you woke up the next morning, you realized you'd slept like a baby in his arms.

He was awake already, looking at you with a soft smile on his lips as you slowly opened your eyes. You still laid in his arms, able to hear his uneven heartbeat while his scent was indulging your senses. Feeling his warm body so close to yours was somehow hard to handle, your mind too tired to be able to process.

Jaebum's fingertips ran up and down your arm while he was only looking at you. You blushed under his gaze, furtively closing your eyes again to savor this intimate moment. It just felt like heaven on earth.

But soon, it got awkward for no reason. Neither of you knew what to do now. You had spent the night together, and even though it has been absolutely PG-13, you somehow felt overwhelmed. And so did he. After what felt like an eternity of silence, you managed to leave the bed, excusing yourself with some lame plea. In record time, you rushed through the bathroom only to leave your apartment without looking at him again.

Great.

The day has been just as awkward as the morning, as you came back home pretty late. Jaebum was sitting in the living room, watching some tv, yet you immediately gained his full attention as soon as you walked in. You managed to exchange a few words but ended up hiding in your room, hoping he would even leave you be.

And so he did.

You didn't get a wink of sleep that night, debating with yourself if you should ask him to sleep at your place again. But since you had no idea how to accomplish that, you refrained from it. There was no way to ask for this without looking like a total idiot since you, in a way, ditched him in the morning.

Today you felt horrible because of the lack of sleep and walked through your day like a zombie. You hurried, so you would be back home before he was.

With a sigh, you closed the door behind you, leaning against it as you closed your eyes for a second. Your heart was racing just by the thought of your flatmate, and soon you realized, you had to do something. And you only had two options: pretending as nothing happened, or straightaway confess.

Your head started spinning again, so you decided to take a quick shower as long as you were alone. Thoughtlessly you threw a few of your clothes directly onto the couch while you made your way to the bathroom. You locked the door behind you, stripping off your underwear to step into the shower.

The warm water ran down your frame while your forehead rested against the cold tilework, your eyes closed. In your mind's eye, you saw him smiling his unique smile, which made your heart jump in excitement. Whenever he was smiling at you, you somehow forgot how to breathe. If you had to be honest, you had a crush on him since forever, but you were able to hide it pretty well. But that one night changed everything.

As you stepped out of the shower, infinite time later, you firstly heard sounds out of the living room, immediately knowing what caused them. Or, to be more exact, who.

And that's when you realized you had made a big mistake. Your clothes were still in the living room, where you left them, just as Jaebum was by now. Shit. You forgot to pick new clothes, and now you were locked up in here with nothing but a towel and old underwear laying on the floor.

Great.

Frantically, you thought about what to do now. But quickly, you concluded there was nothing much you could do besides stepping out of the bathroom and run for dear life. So you wrapped your towel around your body as tight as possible, hoping it would stay at its place long enough for you to get yourself out of harm's way.

Carefully, you opened the door, hoping he wouldn't even notice you. Maybe he was watching tv or listening to music on his phone like he did most of the time, so either way, he wouldn't be able to notice you.

However, he did none of this. Jaebum was standing in front of the windows, staring through the glass into the distance. He seemed in deep thoughts, making you assume you'd be safe.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

You were halfway there, just as he turned around, his eyes widened as they caught you. He gulped, surreptitiously biting his lip while he constrained himself to look away.

"I'm sorry, I, uh, had no idea..."

Your face turned bright red as your fingers almost painfully clung on to the fabric wrapped around your body. Thank god it was big enough to cover most of your skin, even though there were some parts it couldn't quite reach. It seemed to be barely enough back in the bathroom, but now, you felt exposed, as if you would stand in front of him in your birthday suit. - Which was pretty accurate, in some way.  

"L-let me put on s-some clothes real quick, okay?" you gasped, praying to God Jaebum would just let you be. This whole thing between you was embarrassing enough, yet it didn't need to get any worse.

"Okay."

You perceived an audible sigh out of his direction, turning away from you just to spun around again a second later.

"No, sorry. I have to say this now before I don't have the guts anymore."

Awkwardly, you tried to adjust yourself while standing there, shifting from one foot to another. This whole scene was beyond embarrassing, no matter how hard you tried to keep cool.

Jaebum ran a hand through his already messed up hair, visibly searching for the right words. Just a few seconds ago, he was quite sure he would be courageous enough to spill the tea. However, he now felt mesmerized, unable to think straight anymore.

"So, what is it?" you dared to ask, even if you weren't sure you wanted to hear the answer.

"About the other night. I just wanted to say -" He let out another sigh, because, once again, he was unable to express his feelings for you. Why the hell did this have to be so damn hard?

These few words made your heart beat a lot faster, unwillingly giving you a glimpse of hope he maybe would feel the same about you. The next second, however, this hope was smashed into pieces as he shook his head in silence.

"Ah, its nothing. Let's forget about that. Okay?"

Your heart was aching painfully, in the act of consent tacitly. Staring at Jaebum with widened eyes, you felt like an idiot for having any hope at all. He just slept in your bed, yet nothing happened that night. So what were you expecting now?

"Sure," you breathed before you hurried to disappear in your room.

Closing the door behind you, you leaned against it, closing your eyes as your head was resting on the wooden frame.

Fuck!

This whole thing has gotten worse and worse. Suddenly you cursed that stupid night no matter how good it felt that second, it seemed to be nothing more but a big mistake. You never intended to let things get out of hand, yet here you were with a heart that was beating to your neck, although it got shattered to pieces a few seconds ago.

At this point, it felt quite impossible to get back on track with him again. Jaebum was acting differently now, so you were pretty sure it wouldn't turn anywhere near normal again.

You managed to put on some clothes and somehow get ready to leave the apartment directly afterward. There was no way you would stay here, acting like nothing ever happened. You were way too emotional to hide any sort of emotion from anyone.

As you fastly walked through the flat, you felt his gaze on your back, but you acted like you wouldn't notice. You had to get out of here before he would have the chance to become aware of anything.

Jaebum was staring at the door after you slammed it shut behind you.

"Fuck," he hissed, kicking the bookshelf nearby him. He knew he screwed it all up by now, even though he tried so hard not to. However, it felt like mission impossible at this point. It always looked so simple in any movie, yet here he was, feeling like a total idiot.

He never would've guessed he'd fell in love with his flatmate, basically because he always tried to control his passions and think straight before falling for someone head over heels. Yet this was just what happened with you.

It was already late at night, as you finally came home again. Simultaneously as you opened the door, you've been looking out for him, yet he was nowhere in sight. You concluded, he had left the apartment too.

Thank god.

Actually, you wanted to stay the night by a friend, but sadly she hasn't been home, so you had no other choice but to walk home again. Maybe you were lucky enough to be alone this night, anyway. Maybe Jaebum would stay away instead.

You lay awake the whole night, unable to control your thoughts or emotions in the slightest. He was still on your mind like he was before, maybe even more after that incident earlier.

Somewhere along the line, you heard a noise outside your room. Of course, Jaebum had to come home again, but you'd hoped so bad it wouldn't be tonight.

You held your breath as if he wouldn't be able to tell you were home too.

As it knocked at your door, you flinched while your heart was about to leap out of your chest. You had no intention at all to talk to your flatmate now, so you decided to simply not respond.

But he was knocking again, silently calling out your name.

"Go away," you sighed, hoping this would be enough to get rid of him again.

"Please, can I come in?" he asked, his voice muffled through the wood.

"I'm already sleeping."

"No, you're not."

You sighed, pulling your blanket over your head as if you'd be able to disappear. A part of you wanted to hear what he had to say, but you felt way too anxious at this point, so you didn't dare to answer again.

That's when the door opened a crack, Jaebum's head peeking inside. "Y/N? Please?" He sounded agonized, almost begging you to give him a second chance to explain himself.

"What is it, Jae?" You slowly got yourself out of bed to approach him, keeping a little distance between you.

"I'm sorry," he pleaded, hanging his head.

"About?"

He exhaled heavily. "Everything."

You felt another sting deep in your chest, right where your heart was. Whatever Jaebum was about to say now, would only make it worse, you were sure of it.

"You don't have to be. It's okay."

He shook his head a little too rashly. "No, it's not. Listen, I never wanted things to get that difficult between us. I feel like I ruined everything by acting like a total idiot."

Something in the way he was looking at you, caused you to feel his pain too. Jaebum was suffering in a way you couldn't quite comprehend yet.

"It's okay. Really. Now go get some sleep."

"You don't get it. I can't! I'm unable to fall asleep. Not since we slept together," he babbled, causing your eyes to widen. The way he was talking almost implied you two had sex that night, even though both of you knew you hadn't.

"I don't mean... Well, I guess you know what I mean."

Muted, you simply nodded, incapable of saying or reacting in any other way. You only hoped he would hurry up now. He was about to break your heart, at least that's what you thought, and you were pretty sure it would be best to make it fast.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to stay. I was too dizzy, still half asleep, and - obviously - I didn't think before I spoke."

Now it was his heart that shattered a little. Why would you say that? Was he that wrong with reading between the lines?

"What? No, I -"

"I get it. It didn't mean anything to you, and that's fine. Let's just don't make a big deal out of it, okay?"

Jaebum blinked in confusion. "Can you please hear me out now?"

You just nodded, still preparing yourself for the worst. At this point, it was pure torture, and your heart barely couldn't take it anymore.

"It is a big deal for me, okay?"

"W-what?"

Silence spread across the room while you two were eyeing each other. Out of a sudden, a part of you was scared, yet the other part didn't seem to get what was happening right now.

You felt his hand on your waist, and everything was happening quite fast. Jaebum spun you around to turn your back against the wall. He stepped up to you to pin you against it. And that's when his lips crashed upon yours.

Immediately, your body was reacting on his own. You placed your palms on his shoulders, your fingers clung on to the collar of his shirt, while he kissed you hungrily. His body was pushing you closer to the wall, it almost hurt, yet you couldn't care less.

One of his hands placed next to you against the wall to support himself, the other still on your hips. Slowly it ran down your waist, along your thigh only to grab it so he could wrap it around his middle.

You clung on to him for dear life while he deepened the kiss a little more, making your legs shake. Everything he wasn't capable of saying, now mirrored in the way he kissed you. There was no doubt anymore that this night meant a lot to him, and finally, you realized he indeed felt just the same as you did.

Infinite time later, he pulled away, leaving you both breathless and panting for air. Your body was trembling while you were glancing up at him as he brushed your hair out of your face.

"I'm sorry," he repeated himself. "I wanted to say so much to you, but I just couldn't. Not when you look at me like that." He chuckled lightly, tilting his head. "And especially not when you're standing in front of me in nothing but a towel."

You had to laugh as you felt heat rushing in your cheeks while you thought about that stupid situation from earlier. Jaebum was right. Maybe this hasn't been the best moment to confess to you.

"Don't worry. You already made it up to me by now," you breathed before you quickly kissed him again.

Jaebum smiled against your lips before wrapping his arms around your frame, lifting you to carry you to your bed. There was no way any of you would spend this night alone anymore.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior 10/1/21: VENOM: LET THERE BE CARNAGE, THE ADDAMS FAMILY II, THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK, TITANE, MAYDAY, THE JESUS MUSIC

Yeah, so I haven’t had the time over the past couple weeks to write a column, and I kind of hate that fact, especially since I’m coming up on a pretty major milestone for me writing a weekly box office column and reviewing movies. In fact, that milestone comes next week! And once again, I’m struggling to get through the movies I was hoping to watch and write about this week, because I’ve been out of town and once again, very busy over the weekend. Let’s see how far I get...

Before we get to this week’s wide releases, I’m excited to say that my local arthouse movie theater, The Metrograph, is finally reopening for in-person screenings, and they’re kicking things off with a 4k restoration of Andrez Zulawski’s 1981 thriller, Possession, starring Sam Neill and Isabell Adjani, who won a Best Actress prize at Cannes for her performance in the film. I actually saw this at the Metrograph a few years back, and Metrograph Pictures, the distribution arm of the company is now distributing the 4k restoration. There’s a lot of exciting things ahead at Metrograph, including an upcoming four-film Clint Eastwood retrospective, including White Hunter, Black Heart (1990) and A Perfect World (1991) this Friday. Also, Lingua Franca director Isabel Sandoval will be showing her fantastic film from 2020 (a rare chance to see it in a theater and I’ll be there!) as well as program a number of other favorites of hers. Sunday will have screenings of Ingmar Berman’s Scenes from a Marriage (1973) in its full four plus hour glory, Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park (1993) and John Carpenter’s In the Mouth of Madness (1994).. In other words, the Metrograph is back!

Moving over to the weekend’s three wide releases, the first one up being Sony’s VENOM: LET THERE BE CARNAGE (Sony Pictures) with Tom Hardy returning as Eddie Brock aka Venom, joined by Woody Harrelson as the psychotic symbiote, Carnage. Taking over the directing reins is Andy Serkis, who has only directed two other movies, Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle and Breathe, but as an actor, he’s been heavily involved with the CG VFX (and performance capture) needed to bring the characters in this Marvel anti-hero movie to life.

Venom has been one of Spider-Man’s most popular villains and sometimes allies for quite a few decades now, starting out life as a cool black costume Spider-Man found on a strange planet during the first “Secret Wars,” which turned out to be an alien symbiote that had malicious intentions. Spider-Man got the costume off of him but it then linked up with Eddie Brock, a sad-sack journalist whose emotions drove the alien symbiote to become the Venom we known and (mostly) love, thanks to one Todd McFarlane. Venom continued to play a large part in the Spider-Man books before getting his own comics, and not before a super-villain was created for him in Cletus Kasady, a vicious serial killer whose infection by the symbiote turns him into Carnage. And that’s who Harrelson is playing.

Being a sequel, we do have some basis to go on, although the original Venom movie, released in early October 2018, also arrived at a time when it was only the second time the character of Venom was brought to the big screen -- the first time being Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 3, in which the character was received without much love as Ryan Reynold’s Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. And yet, Venom did great, opening with $80.2 million and grossing $213 million domestically, which is more than enough to greenlight a sequel. (It made over double that amount overseas, too.) For comparison, the Wolverine prequel opened with $85 million but at the beginning of summer, so it quickly tailed away with other movies coming out after it. Venom: Let There Be Carnage has to worry about the new James Bond opening a week later, so it very likely could be a one-and-done, opening decently but quickly dropping down as other big movies are released in October (basically one a week).

I’ve already seen the movie, and by the time you read this, reviews will already be up --including my own at Below the Line. Social media reactions seem to not be so bad though, so maybe it’ll get better reviews than its predecessor, which was trashed by critics, receiving only a 30% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But if you look at the fan ratings, they’re higher with 81%, although it’s hard not to be

I’m thinking that bearing COVID in mind and the law of depreciation since the previous movie, Venom: Let There Be Carnage will probably be good for around $50 million this weekend, maybe a little more, but however it’s received, I expect it to drop significantly next week, though a total domestic gross of $135 to 140 million seems reasonable.

Another strong sequel to kick off October is the animated THE ADDAMS FAMILY II (MGM), which is following up the 2019 hit for MGM/UA Releasing with most of the voice cast returning, including Oscar Isaac, Charlize Theron, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Finn Wolfhard, as well as Nick Kroll, Snoop Dogg, Martin Short, Catherine O’Hara, and Bette Midler voicing the popular characters from the New Yorker cartoons, a popular ‘60s TV series, and two Barry Sonnenfeld movies from the ‘90s.

The 2019 animated film was a pretty solid hit for the newly-launched UA Releasing, grossing $100 million domestic after a $30.3 million opening, making it one of MGM’s biggest hits since it was restructured under UA and became its own distributor again. Who knows what’s going to happen with Amazon’s plans on buying MGM and whether the latter will remain a distribution wing, but MGM still has a number of movies out this year that likely will be awards contenders. But that doesn’t mean much for The Addams Family II, which will try to get some of those people who paid to see the original movie in theaters back to see the sequel… and if they’re not going to theaters, MGM is once again offering the movie day-and-date on VOD much like they did with last year’s Bill and Ted Face the Music, which opened much earlier in the pandemic (late august, 2020), so it far fewer options to see it in theaters compared to this animated sequel.

It’s highly doubtful that The Addams Family II was going to open anywhere near to $30 million even if there wasn’t a pandemic, and it wasn’t on VOD just because MGM just doesn’t seem to be marketing the movie as well as its predecessor. You can blame COVID if you want, but it’s also the fact they’re distributing the company’s first James Bond movie in six years, No Time To Die, on their own vs. through another distributor, ala the last few Daniel Craig Bonds. But we’ll talk more about that next week, since that’s going to be an important movie to help cover MGM’s expenses for the rest of 2021. (I haven’t had a chance to see this yet, but it’s embargoed until Friday, so wouldn’t be able to get a review into the column regardless.)

We’ve seen quite a few family hits over the past few months even when the movies were already on streaming/VOD, but parents are probably being a bit more careful with kids back in school, many younger kids still not vaccinated, and the Delta variant still not quite under control. Because of those factors, I think The Addams Family II is more likely to do somewhere between $15 and 18 million its opening weekend, maybe more on the lower side.

Third up is THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK (New Line/WB), David Chase’s prequel to his hit HBO series, The Sopranos, which went off the air in 2004 but still finds fans on the new HBO Max streamer. Ironically, this prequel will air on the streamer at the same time as it's getting a theatrical release, which probably won't be a very tough choice for fans.

Chase has reunited with director Alan Taylor, who won a Primetime Emmy for his work on the show in 2007 before moving onto other popular shows like HBO's Game of Thrones. Taylor has had a bit of a rough career in film, though, having directed Marvel Studios’ sequel, Thor: The Dark World, a movie that wasn't received very well although there were rumors that Taylor butted heads with the producers and maybe didn't even finish the movie. He went on to direct Terminator Genesys, which honestly, I can't remember if it was the worst Terminator movie, but it was pretty bad.

What's interesting is that because this is a prequel set in the '70s and '80s, none of the actors from the show appear on it, but it does star Alessandro Nivola, a great actor in one of his meatiest roles for a studio movie. It also introduces Michael Gandolfini, son of the late James Gandolfini (who played Tony Soprano, if you didn't know), playing the teenage Tony, plus it has great roles for the likes of Jon Bernthal (as Tony's father), Vera Farmiga (playing Tony's mother), Corey Stoll (playing the younger "Junior” Soprano), and Lesile Odom Jr, as the Sopranos key adversary, even though he ends up coming across like the good guy of the movie. It also stars Billy Magnussen, who oddly, also has a key role in next week's No Time to Die.

I'm sure there's quite a bit of interest in seeing where Tony came from and to learn more about his family, many who were dead long before the events of the HBO show, but will that be enough to get them into theaters when they already have HBO? I already reviewed the movie for Below the Line, and reviews are generally positive, which might get people more interested in this prequel.

As with most of Warner Bros’ movies this year, Many Saints will also debut on HBO Max and unlike some of the studio’s other 2021 offerings, it will actually make more sense to watch this one on the streamer since that’s how most people watched The Sopranos. That seems like a killer for Many Saints, and it’s likely to keep it opening under $10 million, where it might have done better on a different weekend (like sometime over the last two weeks).

This is what I have this weekend’s top 10 looking like:

1. Venom: Let There Be Carnage (Sony) - $50.4 million N/A

2. The Addams Family II (MGM/UA Releasing) - $16.5 million N/A

3. The Many Saints of Newark (New Line/WB) - $9 million N/A

4. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (Marvel/Disney) - $7.5 million -44%

5. Dear Evan Hansen (Universal) - $4.1 million -45%

6. Free Guy (20th Century/Disney) - $3.3 million -30%

7. Jungle Cruise (Disney) - $1.1 million -35%

8. Candyman (Universal) - $1.3 million -48%

9. Cry Macho (Warner Bros.) - $1 million -52%

10. Malignant (Warner Bros.) - .7 million -53%

Opening in select cities is French filmmaker Julia (Raw) Ducournau’s TITANE (Neon), the genre thriller that won this year’s coveted Palme D’Or at the Cannes Film Festival. It stars Agathe Rouselle as a young woman who has an interesting relationship with automobiles, but she also has psychotic tendencies that leaves a trail of bodies behind her. On the run, she decides to pretend she’s the missing son of a fireman (Vincent Lindon), who has been missing for 10 years, and things just get weirder from there.

I honestly wasen’t sure what to expect from this although I do remember walking out of Ducournau’s cannibal movie, Raw, just because it was so gross, even though so many of my colleagues and friends swear by the movie, and this one, for that matter. Sure, there’s a certain “prove it” factor to me watching a movie that wins the Palme D’Or, because it’s very rare that I like the movies that do win that benchmark cinema award.

After a flashback to Agathe’s character Alexia when she was an obstinate young girl kicking the back seat of her father as he’s driving. They crash and she’s forced to get surgery that puts an odd looking piece of metal in her head. Decades later, she seems to be a pseudo-stripper at weird punk rock car show -- I guess they do those things different in France -- and hooking up with a fellow “model” afterwards. Agathe is actually a very popular model/dancer but when one fan gets too grabby, she pulls a knitting needle out of her hair and stabs it through his ear, killing him. Oh, yeah, she then has sex with a car and seemingly gets pregnant, but that only happens later. First, she goes on a bit of a killing spree and then goes on a run and decides that by strapping up her breasts and breaking her nose, she can pass off this fire captain’s son… and it works!

So the second half deals with acting great Vincent Lindon’s absolutely bonkers steroid-addicted man who seems to be sexually attracted to his own son, and most of his fellow firefighters knows that he’s gay but in the closet, but I’m honestly not sure what that matters. He’s a pretty disgusting character whose 70-year-old ass we see way too much of, and even those who might find Rouselle to be quite fetching, there’s a certain point where her nudity is not alluring but quite horrifying.

Oh, and at this time, Alexia (or Adrien, as she’s now going) has also gotten significantly pregnant, but it’s not a normal pregnancy because what should be milk from her breasts seems to some sort of motor oil. That’s because she FUCKED A CAR earlier in the movie!!! What do you expect when you fuck a car and don’t use protection, girlie? The fact Alexia/Adrien is trying to hide the fact she’s a pregnant woman from a station full of men isn’t even particularly disturbing. The part that really got me was when she broke her own nose to pass off as this guy’s son -- I actually had to look away for that part.

Listen I’m no prude, and I think I can handle most things in terms of horror and gore, but Titane just annoyed me, because it felt like Ms Ducournau was doing a lot of what we see more for shock value than to actually drive the story forward. There just doesn’t seem to be much point to any of it, and once the movie gets to the firehouse, and we see her interaction (as a young man) with her “father” and his colleagues, it just gets more grueling.

It’s as if Ducournau had watched a lot of movies by the likes of Cronenberg or David Lynch, or more likely Nicolas Refn or Lars von Trier, and thought, “I could be just as strange and horrific as those men… let’s see what people think of this.” And way too many people fell for it, including the Cannes jury. While I normally would approve of any good body horror movie, especially one with cinematography, score and musical selections as good as this one, I doubt I’d ever want to watch this movie again. And therefore, I don’t think I can recommend this movie to anyone either, at least no one I want to remain my friend.

As far as the movie’s box office, NEON is opening the movie in 562 theaters to build on buzz from various film festivals, including the New York Film Festival earlier this week. I think it should be good for half a million this weekend, although maybe it'll surprise me like NEON's release of Parasite a few years back. I just don't see this getting into the top 10 but maybe just outside it.

And then we have a few more movies that I got screeners for but just couldn’t find the time to watch, but might do so once I finish this verdammt column.

The faith-based doc THE JESUS MUSIC (Lionsgate) by the Erwin Brothers (I Can Only Imagine, I Still Believe) takes a look at the rise of Christian Contemporary Music through artists like Amy Grant and Stryper and everything in between, featuring lots of interviews of the artists’ trials and triumphs. Even though there isn’t much CCM I ever listen to, I’m still kind of curious about this one, since I generally like music docs and this is guaranteed not to be the sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll of most of them. I have no idea how wide Lionsgate intends to release this but it certainly can be fairly wide, because the Erwins have delivered at least one giant hit for Lionsgate, and I Still Believe may have been another one if not for the pandemic. It actually opened on March 13, just days before movie theaters shut down across the country, so it's little surprise it only made $7 million domestic. That said, the acts in this one have a lot of fans, and if Lionsgate does release The Jesus Music into 1,000 theaters or so (which is very doable), then I would expect it would make between $1 and 2 million, which would be enough to break into the Top 10.

I haven't seen any of the movies based on Anna Todd's YA romance novels but the third of them, AFTER WE FELL, will play in about 1,311 theaters on Thursday i.e. tonight through Fathom Events, and may or may not continue through the weekend. These movies just kind of show up, and again, having not seen any of them, I'm not sure what kind of audience they have, but this one stars Josephine Langford and Hero Fiennes, as well as Stephen Moyer, Mira Sorvino and Arielle Kebbel with Castille Landon directing.

Grace Van Patten (Under the Silver Lake) stars in Karen Cinorre’s action-fantasy film MAYDAY (Magnolia), playing Ana, a young woman who is transported to a “dreamlike and dangerous” coastline where she joins a female army in a never-ending war where women lure men to their deaths. It also stars Mia Goth, Havana Rose Liu, Soko, Théodore Pellerin and Juliette Lewis. It will be in theaters and On Demand this Friday.

The great Tim Blake Nelson stars in Potsy Ponciroli’s action-Western OLD HENRY (Shout! Studios/Hideout) about a widowed farmer and son who take in an injured man with a satchel full of cash only to have to fend off a posse who come after the man, claiming to be the law. Not sure who to trust, the farmer has to use his gun skills to defend his home and the stranger.

The romantic-comedy FALLING FOR FIGARO (IFC Films) is the new movie from Australian filmmaker Ben Lewin (The Sessions), who I’ve interviewed a few times, and he’s a really nice chap. This one stars Danielle Macdonald, Hugh Skinner, and Joanna Lumley, and it will be in theaters and On Demand this Friday. This rom-com is set in the world of opera singing competitions with Macdonald playing Millie, a brilliant young fund manager who decides to chase her dream of being an opera singer in the Scottish Highlands. She begins vocal training lessons with a former opera diva, played by Lumley, where she meets Max, a young man also training for that competition. Could love blossom? This actually sounds like my kind of movie, so I’ll definitely try to watch soon.

The second season of “Welcome to Blumhouse” the horror movie anthology kicks off on Amazon Prime Video on Friday with the first two movies, Maritte Lee Go’s Black as Night (which I’ve seen) and Gigi Saul Guerrero’s Bingo Night (which I haven’t), and actually I’ll have an interview with Ms. Go over at Below the Line possibly later this week. The former stars Ashja Cooper as a teen girl living in Louisiana who has a bad experience with homeless vampires, along with her best friend (Fabrizio Guido).

Also, Antoine Fuqua and Jake Gyllenhaal’s remake of the Danish film THE GUILTY will begin streaming on Netflix starting Friday after premiering at TIFF a few weeks back. I never got around to reviewing it, but it’s pretty good, maybe a little better than the original movie but essentially the same. I’d definitely recommend it if you like Jake, because he’s definitely terrific in it.

Also hitting Netflix this week is Juana Macias' SOUNDS LIKE LOVE (Netflix), a Spanish language romance movie that (guess) I haven't seen!

A few other movies I didn’t get to this week, include:

STOP AND GO (Decal) VAL (Dread) BLUSH (UA Releasing) RUNT (1091 Pictures)

Next week, it’s not time for James Bond, it’s time for James Bond to die… no, wait… there is NO TIME TO DIE! Also, a very, very special anniversary for the Weekend Warrior….

[quillyfied]

Fanfic Writer 20 Questions

tagged by @shakespearevillain! Much thanks!

My AO3, because that's the only link I have the energy to provide, folks :P

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

135, according to the internet. That seems like a lot.

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

957,125. Oh heck guys that's not too far off from a truly staggering number that I can't process XD

3. how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Um...thirteen, if you take out the duplicates. In order of content, it's Homestuck, Good Omens, Dice Camera Action, The Adventure Zone, Avatar: Legend of Korra, Twilight, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Powerpuff Girls, Red vs Blue, Sherlock BBC, Avengers, Pokemon Sun and Moon, and Harry Potter. Mind, this is just what's posted on AO3...though even the stuff that's not on AO3 and never will be is mostly here. I think there's some various anime fandoms that got some stuff. Maybe some Phineas and Ferb, some Kick Buttowski.

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

Let's see...

1. Snake Children, or Snildren, (Good Omens, Wiggleverse)

2. Snake Cottage, or Snottage, (Good Omens, Wiggleverse

3. Comfort and Joy (Good Omens, Wiggleverse collab with OlwenDylluan)

4. running into the sun (but i'm running behind) (The Adventure Zone: Balance)

5. Broken Crowns (Homestuck)

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

I try to! Don't always succeed or have the spoons, but especially sweet or thoughtful comments I try to give some semblance of response to. I cherish every single comment, even if I don't always respond.

6. what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Ha. Um. Probably "Ashes", a Twilight fic from Marcus' point of view about losing Didyme. Entirely canon-compliant and canon-driven, which is probably why it ends so sadly. If we're talking off AO3, I'd have to go digging and I have no such time.

7. do you write crossovers?

No, not really; I've done it by very special occasional request. Of course, you have to define a crossover these days, bc to me, a crossover is shoving two fandoms in the same space and making them interact with each other, but some people tag their AU fanfics as crossovers when it's just "insert characters from fandom A into world of fandom B" and that's...not a crossover. That's an AU. Regardless: no. I don't write these.

8. have you ever received hate on a fic?

Kinda? Had one comment where someone said "i am going to kill you" and that's it so I had no context for if it was a playful jest or a statement of intent and I reacted as if it were the second XD (Also had one fic where the story didn't turn out how a reader was expecting and my collaborator and I knew from their comments that they probably weren't going to like what was coming up and they didn't, and there was some small bit of friction over it, but that wasn't really hate.)

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

No.

10. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Kinda? I had someone post a fic from forums/deviantART to FFN because I was young and thought I needed parental permission to make an FFN account (which I did not have, dad said no) and I had a reader who insisted the FFN crowd needed to read it and started posting it without my permission, but they didn't say it was mine until the author's note at the very end of the last chapter; at that point I finally had made an FFN account on my own and tried to insist the poster take it down since I was there now and could post it myself but they didn't reply. I reported it on FFN but nothing was ever done about it and the poster never replied to my messages. Far as I know it might still be there and I'm resigned to it.

11. have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! Would be cool, but I'm not holding my breath XD

12. have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh yeah, all the time now!

13. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh boy. Coming from a veteran shipper, this is quite the question. Naruto/Hinata (from Naruto) and Toph/Sokka (from Avatar: The Last Airbender) were my first big OTPs and I will always love them and have a special place in my heart for them. But I don't know if I can pick a FAVORITE. All my ships are precious.

14. whats a wip that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I wish I could have finished Broken Crowns and its prequel (and maybe the possible sequel I was toying with). That was a fun experiment in flying by the seat of my pants, and the first thing I've ever written that was so big it broke Spellcheck, but ultimately falling out of the Homestuck fandom and losing interest in the project were the death of it. I'm glad I was able to provide a "here's where this was going" chapter, at least, so many fics that fall by the wayside don't get that and it's such a great thing to do for readers.

15. what are your writing strengths?

I think I'm best at character voices and dialogue, and maybe the occasional witty turn of phrase. Also technical polish; sure, my plots are contrived and the characterization might be dodgy but by gum at least my commas are mostly in the right spots and everything is spelled correctly XD (Given that as a reader grammatical errors are what throw me off and distract and irritate me most, I think my own writing evolved to not distract myself with that, at least.)

16. what are your writing weaknesses?

Oh, boy. Settings, I think. Describing settings. And finishing long-form work that's in any way original. Long fic based off another story/movie/whatever? Easy peasy, got an outline all ready to go and tailor-made. Long fic based off my own random ideas? Um...help??

17. what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

Since I only know one of them, I am scared stiff to try it XD Google translate can only take you so far.

18. what was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Very, very first? Probably either Disney or Luigi's Mansion. Published on the internet? Harry Potter.

19. what’s your favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Oh, gosh. I have such love in my heart for many of my own works, which is pleasant and comforting and a nice change from visceral self-loathing, but if I had to pick a few (because heck no I can't just pick one)...the Sherlockbound series I wrote for Homestuck, "i have loved the stars too fondly" for The Adventure Zone: Balance, Suboptimal Omens for DCA, and probably a million oneshots along the way that have helped me work things out and figure myself out as an artist and as a person.

20. who do you tag?

I tag anyone who's looking at this and thinking "gosh, that would be fun." You can even tag me in the post. Blanket permission. Do it!

[thoushallnotfall]

Hi! Would you say David was obsessed with Michael or had real feelings for him? I saw a girl talking once about how David, even after his brothers getting killed, still talks to Michael to "stop fighting him" and still asks him to join them. I was thinking about that and I wondered if this was just a form to David to tricky him again or he was really trying to convince Michael to give up and stay with him? And if so, would it be because of feelings or because he hates to not get what he wants?

Real talk? 100% honest opinion? David is a repressed bisexual wreck and this movie is as gay as the Fourth of July.

Now I feel like I’ve touched on this a little bit in some of these previous “deep dive” questions (thank you guys so much for continuing to send me these I swear I am on cloud nine right now) but honestly what I personally feel the characters themselves would realistically do/feel/how they would react to things as real beings with complex emotions/backstories, and how this 1h 38m horror/comedy movie treats their reactions are not the same thing.

Look, as much as we love the characters and as writers and fans have expanded on them as much as we can and actually care about them as individual characters with like, actual thoughts and feelings--they’re the monster antagonists of the film. This was also the 80s. They’re not really meant to have complex motivations. 

Even when I read the prequel script Schumacher literally cares so little about developing the personalities of the other lost boys that aren’t David he just kind of throws their names in at random when they have to talk, and I know that because at the end when the fifth lost boy that was just in the prequel script had died, they still gave him a line postmortem because they literally don’t care who says the line--they just plug their names in at random. 

All the personality we get for the other boys comes 100% from the actors, from how they developed their characters. Yes, they get direction and I’m sure Schumacher had an idea of what he wanted for each one, but I think it was only at a surface level (I would murder someone for a copy of Lost in the Shadow so I could read more about this, but c'est la vie). They’re background props in the movie; I mean I don’t even remember hearing Dwayne’s name in the movie. He’s got like, maybe three lines? One of which we all just choose to ignore as writers because it’s so out of character for him. (I cringe whenever I get to that scene in the movie every. single. time) It took the actors actually caring about their roles and trying to develop them further for us to be able to pick up on all the little things and wring out what personality we can from their performances.

So as far as the David/Michael dynamic. I would say David 100% has feelings for Michael. No doubt in my mind. This movie is gay to the max. I already talked about the reasoning behind David changing Michael in relation to Max. I think he brought him into the cave with the intention of having Michael be Star’s first kill, but I think David and the boys genuinely enjoyed hanging out with/messing with Michael and on a whim David changed his mind and decided to turn him. But if we’re being real I think David was repressing a mad crush he was forming on Michael at the same time.

That is the face of a conflicted bisexual man who’s suddenly realizing, “Oh no, he’s hot.” I don’t make the rules.

Seriously though, I think David genuinely had feeling for Michael. It’s not like David and the boys hang out with other guys on a regular basis aside from each other, and I see their relationship with each other in a more brotherly way rather than sexual, particularly when you look at their relationship from the prequel script (are you guys tried of me talking about the prequel script yet?). So for David, this would be the first time in probably 80ish years that he’s actually just hung out and had fun with another guy that wasn’t one of his brothers. He’s probably feeling a lot of repressed feelings coming to the surface and Michael’s a good time, so why not? Plus he’s a snack. So I agree with the movie on this part, I think David would have gone through with turning him for his own reasons (not because of Max).

But after his brothers were killed I don’t think David would have still been trying to recruit him. I think the movie is sincere in this line though.

I think movie!David is still trying to get Michael on his side, most likely because of Max (again, from my previous post, I really think the secret villain reveal hurt the characters in the movie more than it helped) because Max still wants Michael to join them because he wants Lucy. 

I think if we’re being fair to the character though, no matter how heartless people might think David is, even when it comes to the other lost boys, (I’ve talked about that too) he’s not. This is an 80s horror movie, this is before the villains/monsters were allowed to be complex and have real feelings (fun fact: that tear David sheds in the movie after Marko dies and the Frogs/Sam flee the cave? It was actually because the glass contacts Kiefer had to wear. You could only keep those things in your eyes for like 5 minutes before they dried your eyes out really bad, hence the tear; but Schumacher liked that it fit the scene so he kept it in the movie. That’s the only reason we get even an inkling of emotion from them post-Marko death.) so we don’t get to see the complexity of his character as much as we’d like. I do think Kiefer, the absolute king he is, really did an amazing job of trying to throw in a lot of layers to the character. 

So to wrap up my rant here, I personally think there are two answers to your question.

I think, in the movie, David is genuinely still trying to get Michael to join him. Whether it be for Max’s benefit or not I can’t say, but I think, for the sake of the movie, yeah, that’s what that scene was trying to do. I think movie!David is totally crushing on Michael and that’s why he turns him, but I don’t think that has anything to do with why he’s still trying to get him to join after the boys are dead. Pretty sure that ship sailed; it’s all business now.

But if this character was allowed to exist outside the sphere of a 90 minute movie? If he was allowed to deviate from furthering the agenda of the “secret villains” plot? No. No way in hell would David still be okay with Michael after what he’d done to his boys. He’d being flaying him alive. 

Thank you so much for the question! It was such a good one! ❤️ Feel free to send me any more! I am always down to answer these kinds of questions. (I’m genuinely surprised anyone actually want me opinion on this stuff. It’s bonkers. You guys are amazing.)

-Rachel

[kiwiana-writes]

for the fic writer meme: 6, 9 & 10 for kinkverse please and thank you 💖

Thank you so much for this! I love that this question encompasses like a quarter of my total wordcount, and I’m going to pretend that’s why my response got so long and not just because I’m incapable of shutting up 😂  Putting the answers under the cut because... kink.

[10 Questions Every Fic Writer Secretly Wants to be Asked] || [ASKS OPEN FOR THESE]

6. Which scenes did you cut, and which were added in kink!verse?

Technically, every single story after the first one is an added scene considering it was supposed to be a one-shot 😂 But in terms of specifics, I don’t really have an outline for any of these other than a like, kink or theme for each episode, but some stuff that changed while writing include:

-The service top/let’s explore what gets you off conversation originally happened in person and it just. wouldn’t. work. Honestly I can’t even remember HOW I had the idea now to switch it to phone sex but once I did I wrote the whole thing in, like, four hours.

-The very quiet sex fic was on the outline as a different kink -- it did start with the silence thing, it just then segued -- but I just couldn’t make it land in a way that I was comfortable with, so I ended up scrapping a huge chunk of the fic and just expounding on the whole “stay quiet” thing. It’s still probably my least favourite of the ‘verse for that reason 😂

-The attempted con-non-con was originally going to be a lot... not darker, exactly, but a much tougher read, with David actually asking to be tied up and Patrick having a full-scale panic attack. But, look. The world sucks right now, and fanfic is ultimately my happy place, and trying to write it was just not good for me mentally. So again, cut a bunch of stuff out and rejigged it.

9. Which idea came to you first in kink!verse?

-So the very first part was a prompt: You know what I want? I want sub David going to a club in Toronto to get his fix of being being whipped and told he’s a good boy, and finding brand new babydom Patrick, who has never done this before but DAMN does he want to put David on his knees. Which I, uh, may have some real life experience with 😅so I was like “yeah sure I’ll write that why not.” But the first thing that made me go “oh, okay, this is going to turn into a series isn’t it” was thinking about stay here and think about what you’ve done because... come on. 🔥 

10. What are some facts readers may not know about kink!verse?

-Readers who found it after it was already a ‘verse might not realise that the first part was absolutely intended to be a standalone! (And in fact, if you read some of the earliest comments, my responses to people asking for more are oh, maybe... fucking el oh el.) I think it took me, like, 12 hours to say fuck this is going to be a series isn’t it, and five days before I realised I was going to end up writing a fic for every episode. (At the time I said a fic for every episode, maybe an exception for 4.08 because I’m allergic to angst, unless I can figure out how to sexily write, like, sad self-flagellating masturbation or something and, uh, that’s basically what I did end up writing for 4.08 sooooo.

-I know I’ve talked about this before but I am functionally incapable of writing in order. Before I published part two of kink!verse I’d written snippets from 6.02 and 6.08 and what eventually became 4.12, and I TRY to mostly write in order now (at least in terms of writing the next episode; within that, scenes are still all over the place lol) but I’m one of those people who HAS to get something on paper when I’m thinking about it or it floats out of my brain forever.

-My intention was to stay in David POV for the whole series but 5.01 and PARTICULARLY 5.02 were... not going to work from David’s perspective without it getting real uncomfortable real fast. So I switched it up, and it’s probably going to bounce around a bit from here on out because like I said, some future episodes already have chunks written.

-I wrote 500-ish words of part one from Patrick’s POV for a Tumblr meme a while back.

-There’s a reason I keep hammering home not taking kink advice from fic, there’s a reason I was not willing to tolerate any comments about how if Patrick had been pegged he’d have realised he was gay earlier on the fic that mentioned that he’d tried pegging before, there’s a reason I’m as careful as I can be about making sure everything that happens in my fics would be acceptable in real life (while also trying not to write 8000 words of really boring discussion every time): I actually worked in a BDSM-focused sex store for a year, and part of my job was literally to educate people who were new to BDSM on stuff like safewords and aftercare and safe/sane/consensual vs risk-aware consensual kink and all sorts of practical things like that. Turns out even years out of that job it is really really hard to switch my brain off when it comes writing that stuff.

-I am definitely keen to write a Patrick/Rachel prequel in this ‘verse but probably not until after the canon series is complete. And I know views are a lot lower on anything not David/Patrick hello Elevate fics but sometimes the heart wants what it wants 🤣 

[gffa]

Just want to say your take on opinions is really refreshing. I too have my issues with the sequel trilogy but I hate when fans make their opinion out as if it’s fact. For instance, one of my unpopular opinions is that I think Rebels is better than clone wars and I hate when folks try to argue with me on it. Folks should be able to enjoy what they can. So thanks for being a source of positivity and not one of unnecessary conflict. The true Jedi way.

It can be really difficult to walk a fine line between having strong, passionate feelings and stating things in a strongly opinionated voice without coming across that you’re trying to overwrite others’ opinions.  And we’re all going to fail at that sometimes, no matter our intentions, but I’m really glad and thankful that I’ve come across that way to you!I try to actively avoid adding “I think” or “in my opinion” or “well maybe it might be” when writing my own meta because I long ago decided that women get told to soften their approach instead of stating things with confidence and so I wanted to correct that in myself.  Though, I will use a lot more softened tone and deferring when in response to someone else, because that’s a different arena than writing my own thoughts down.But, generally, trying to navigate the waters between, “I’ve done my homework, I’ve given this thought, here’s where I stand and why I stand here.  I’m sure of this.” and “No, you’re wrong if you don’t see it my way.” is a hard one, but very worth the effort to stick to the former rather than the latter.I’ve been on the receiving end of the “you just don’t know how to READ THE NARRATIVE” comments often enough (war flashbacks to my time in Bleach fandom go here) that I know how off-putting and alienating that can be.  That it never once has gotten me to listen to someone when they’re telling me that I’m wrong for how I interpret things.  That it’s not just disagreement or that they see things differently, but that I am actively wrong about it in my views.So I try not to pass that on to others.  I’m far from perfect about it, but I do try to make an effort not to and I apologize genuinely if I came across that way to someone, when it honestly wasn’t my intention.  I mean, yes, of course it’s more complicated than [waves hand] all of the above, especially in regards to some things that are stated plainly in the canon, but in terms of preferences and reactions and viewpoints?PEOPLE LIKE WHAT THEY LIKE.  THEY DON’T LIKE WHAT THEY DON’T LIKE.  What people do/don’t like is nothing of a reflection on me!  Rebels is amazing and I’m glad that it’s your favorite because that means you can tell me all the things that make you fizzy and joyful about it, what makes it be The Best Star Wars Thing For You.Just like me thinking the prequels are better than the sequels means nothing to someone who thinks the sequels are better than the prequels, so long as we both give room to the other to go, “Yeah, that’s cool that you see it that way for you!” and mean it whole-heartedly.  I absolutely can see why someone would think Rebels is better than TCW or why the sequels are better than the prequels.  And, so long as you’re not crapping on my favorite thing, I want to hear allllllllll the reasons why you love those things, because THAT’S WHEN I LOVE SW FANDOM BEST.(I’m sorry that people have tried to talk you out of thinking that Rebels is better than TCW.  I mean, not even just that you prefer one over the other, but that maybe you think it’s better written and better structured and better animated, etc.  That is totally a perfectly legitimate opinion and I’m glad you stuck to your guns.  ♥)

[venus-says]

Kamen Rider Drive Movies and Specials

This is the end of the road.

To finally close the Drive chapter in this journey here we are with the post about the movies. And this time it's extra special because I'll be talking about some of the specials for once, I usually never do those because it's too much of a hustle to go looking for them and I don't have that much time to watch them either, but to download some of the Movie Wars movies I had to download them from TV-Nihon batches and they include the specials on them so I thought, why not? Of course I did that before I had watched Drive and I saw that I didn't like it very much but oh well, they're on my hard-drive already I must as well watch them.

Anyway, there's a lot of stuff to go through so let's get to that right away.

Kamen Rider Drive: Surprise Future

This movie... oh this movie... I feel like this movie doesn't work at all after you've finished the TV series. And even if you haven't finished the series I think it doesn't work very well either because they expect us to have some sort of connection to a character that hasn't been around for more than 15 minutes, and whatever connection we have with this character also dies very soon when the revelation that he's actually a Roidmude happen so... Again, Drive doesn't do family drama all that well. Also a lot of recycled things from the show, like another evil Drive? Really? And Shinnousuke apparently dying and the belt being destroyed again? How many times did that happen in the show again? Another thing that watching this movie after the show kinda ruins it is the treat of the Global Freeze because after we see the show it's obvious that the Global Freeze is useless, heck they didn't even care to explain what it is and how it works so seeing that being the treat was just irrelevant to me. Also that ending when they "revived" Krim was such a dumb Deus Ex Machina, I was just rolling my eyes at that point.

Well, at least Chase had a good bad-CGI scene where he destroyed a big thing that I don't even remember what it was. And Proto-Drive Chase or whatever it is called was kinda cool as well. But the rest? Pretty meh I'd say. Also, this movie had a Ghost cameo?? That really surprised me seeing that he appeared twice in the show?? it felt a bit excessive, but oh well... whatever.

Drive Saga - Chaser

THIS MOVIE. IT HIT REALLY HARD ON THE FEELS. And I don't if it's because is centered around my favorite character or if it's really that good, but I really loved this movie.

I think they've checked all the right boxes when making a story for Chase and it was very well rounded, if I had to say a point that they lacked I'd say it was in the action, but I feel like that wasn't really needed because this was so focused on working on the characters so, in the end, the only thing that comes as weird from this movies was the uncomfortable comedic close-ups, the weird erotic scenes, and Chase bleeding that much to remove the feather from his chest, I'm not sure if an android would bleed like that, but it doesn't hurt the experience.

But they do hurt your heart, because seeing Chase get close to that kid was really adorable and seeing that he doesn't remember it at the end HURTS and hurts A LOT. I felt sadder for that moment than I felt for Chase's death, heck this movie made me feel more things than in the 48 episodes and 2 movies I've watched at this point. Gosh, it's so good. I also like the villain they chose for this movie, Angel was a very interesting Roidmude, of course, I'd rather if she didn't look so psychopath right at the beginning so it wasn't so clear that she had bad intentions, but for a one-off villain, she was great. It was also very fun seeing a "softer" Chase, props to his actor he was so different but he still felt in-character, you know? It didn't seem fake or anything, it was weird at first of course, but It was really good. I bet his vocal cords also really appreciated the chance of speaking in a normal tone for a change. XD In the end, this was really enjoyable, Chase once again being the best thing of Drive.

Oh, I almost forgot, another thing that was really fun was seeing Ryu again, that was really great. It also makes sense that the rider who can transform into a bike made a cameo in a show where the theme is vehicles. You know, I didn't really like Ryu during W but everything else that he has appeared he has been so great?? That's so weird. Also apparently now he has a child with Akiko???? What???? You know, for all the crap I give to crossovers and such even I must admit that seeing Ryu and how his relationship with Akiko has been developing is really awesome. I still don't know why anyone would want to marry Akiko and build a family with her, but if he's happy, good for him. XD

Drive Saga - Mach & Heart

You know, this one was probably the one I was less excited about, and it surprised me, but it also got me very disappointed. This was totally a mixed bag. I wish these were more connected, for Heart's part to work Gou needed to be there and that worked really well, but aside from the villain Gou's part had very little involvement with Heart's part and it felt like a letdown.

Heart's part was quite good, the set-up was great, the story was pretty decent, and I really liked the payoff. As I mentioned in my posts about Drive I didn't really care for the Roidmudes or for the rest of the cast in the Special Crimes Unit, but seeing Heart and Genpachi work together was quite awesome, I had a lot of fun. I'm still kinda meh about that amalgam Roidmude being a thing, it is a good villain I'm just picky about how this guy appeared, and I'm not the biggest fan of Heart's rider design, but Heart's portion has enough things on there that make easy for me to overlook them and consider it a solid especial. I like that he came back as a fluke, and I like that he has Brain and Medic on his head too, I like that Shinnousuke appears because of the thing he had with Heart, and the emotional bits between him and Genpachi worked beautifully.

The same can't be said about Gou's part because they decided to make a love story, and they also decided to put family in the mix because Drive really knows how to touch in family discussions, and this was just underwhelming as hell. It gave Gou some development, and at least that's good because the show lacked a lot in that department, and it's always great to see Chase again even though it was just some weird supernatural thing, but I really couldn't care less about the other stuff going on. But if you like Gou maybe this will great for you because you'll be able to see the dude becoming happy, so...

Drive Saga - Brain

This one was surprisingly good, I don't know why but I came into this thinking this would be a serious thing, but I was wrong because this is a special for Brain so of course it would be a comedy. I thought seeing that it was just a comic thing would throw me off of it, especially because I wasn't the biggest fan of Brain in the show, but here it worked quite well. It still has the things I don't like about the comedy in Drive, but for some reason, they didn't bother me as much here. I think what I like the most is that it knows that is something ridiculous, and it owns it, like there's a moment during the fight in part 2 where one of the villains says "but this weapon ain't yours, it's just a recolor" and I cracked the hell up, I loved the joke that Brain has only 600 Giga in his hard-drive making him even weaker than my previous computer, and the fake-out he did on the final villain where his final blow was a headbutt rather than a kick was just marvelous. I got a few spoilers from villains of Ghost and Ex-Aid, but it was worth it. This was fun, Brain's design as a rider was freaking cool as heck, it's a shame but also very funny that the comedic rider got the best form of this entire season, and I like that this serves as either a prequel or a sequel to the Mach & Heart movie. If you want something quick and fun to watch go do it because this one is great. 

Drive Secret Missions

So these secret missions are kinda whatever, most of them aren't that good, but also most of them aren't that offensive, they're pretty mediocre. I think from these 5 only 2 are worth watching. Type ZERO is kinda okay, it doesn't add anything new so it's not that necessary, but we get to see Proto-Drive properly and that's really cool, his design is awesome, but that's pretty much the only interesting thing it has going for. Type TV-KUN is like a prequel for Drives episode in Movie Wars Full Throttle and isn't that good. Type HIGH SPEED is probably the worst of them because it's one of those Hyper Battle DVDs who have no purpose at all and are very boring, this one is even worse I feel because they try to make a full-length episode out of it and there's no need for that. Type LUPIN is another Hyper Battle DVD and while I love Lupin's design this one was pretty underwhelming, I'd say it was completely unnecessary.

Type TOKUJO, though, was pretty good, probably the best out of them and maybe the only one worth watching. Honestly, this story is so good it should've been in the TV show, I mean this gives inside on why each member joined the SCU, it's a fun case (despite the resolution being kinda dub, again), and also establishes that Bannou was inside Brain's tablet so it would've been perfect for it, I'd take this over any filler plot in the entire run of the show. I had a good time with it.

And that does it for Drive! Wow, this was very long, thanks for sticking with me until this far. If you have any thoughts, don't be shy, share them in the comments, I'd love to read them. Drive is over but this "marathon" isn't, and if everything goes right, the post with Ghost's first episodes plus his crossover movie should be out a few minutes after Super-Hero time finishes on Saturday (or Sunday, depending on where you are in the world). Once again, thank you so much for reading, I'll see you all around. Bye~

[bettsfic]

wip list

i’m hoping that by listing out all the things i want to finish, i will actually finish them. unfortunately this new job is still kicking my ass and i am exhausted all of the time + annual summer writers’ block + self-esteem through the floor = not very creatively productive. 

if there’s a number in a bracket beside the fic, that’s my top 5 priority list/potential posting order. i’ve stalled out on a lot of these because they’re rare pairs and i’m not confident anyone will read them, which sometimes bums me out when i feel like i spend too much time on something/end up liking it a lot.

this list doesn’t include ofic, which is a much, much longer list.

>75% done

[3] retrieval (the rain, martin/simone), 4k -- post-canon angst fic in which martin is tasked to go back into the zone and rescue the remaining survivors. needs probably a complete rewrite, but all the plot pieces are there.

[4] a long way (game of thrones, jaime/myrcella), 14k -- canon-divergent fic in which cersei dies and jaime has to escort myrcella to winterfell to marry bran. just needs the last couple scenes and a final read-thru.

ace of spades (star wars, kylux), 62k -- modern au in which ben and hux are bffs to lovers. i started this in 2016 and then grad school got in the way and i haven’t picked it up again. i’m hoping episode ix gives me some inspiration to complete it.

~50% done

daisy chains (the 100, octavia/marcus), 14k -- modern au in which marcus is octavia’s step dad and she’s in love with him, side order of blakecest. i started this fic over a year ago and a lot of the aesthetic turned into training wheels, but it’s still its own story and i’ve been wanting so badly to finish it. 

new girl (the 100, octavia/jasper), 4k -- high school au in which jasper and octavia start dating, but bellamy is annoying about it. unfinished km fill.

hacker au (the 100, bellarke), 2k -- modern au in which clarke is a porn addict and bellamy uses russian spyware to watch her get off. unfinished km fill. 

just started but shows promise

[5] dares (the 100, bellarke), 2k -- modern au in which bellamy and clarke are step siblings spending their final summer together. i was given this prompt during my last prompt spree and i never finished it.

[1] vigilance (the 100, bellarke), 3k -- modern au in which bellamy and clarke are patients in an 8-week therapy program. just prompted a couple days ago. hoping to have it finished today.

not started

[2] tbd (the secret history, henry/richard) -- canon fic in which henry watches richard masturbate while talking about fucking camilla. prompted by @drawsaurus. i plan to start writing it after i post vigilance.

in the blood (the 100, bellamy/octavia) -- prequel to in the water. this one has been on my list to write for over a year. it was my very first fic idea for the fandom, and i think that’s why i haven’t written it yet. it’s so perfect in my head.

cruel intentions au (game of thrones, braime) -- 90s au based on cruel intentions. originally this was prompted for bellarke but it works so much better with braime. i’m not sure if i’ll end up writing this one because it seems like a lot of work, but i’m dying for more braime in my life.

eoe sequel (harry potter, albus/draco) -- the next installment of A Very Thorough History in which scorpius makes erised on the DL and albus finds out. maybe i’ll start this one in winter?

abandoned :(

only sharing to show how many ideas just don’t end up working, or turn into something else. i’m only going back to 2016 on this, up to ace of spades. i’ve abandoned a lot of fics prior to that, but since then i’ve gotten slightly better at completing stuff/figuring out quickly whether something will work out.

secrets to a successful sale (the 100, bellarke), 4k -- modern au in which clarke is trying to sell her house and bellamy is her handyman. abandoned because a lot of the themes are moving to vigilance and i have no idea how to end it.

storms (the 100, bellarke), 5k -- modern au in which clarke and octavia are best friends, and clarke has a crush on bellamy. abandoned because it later merged with daisy chains and turned into training wheels.

the ring (the 100, bellarke), 2k -- canon fic in which clarke lived on the ring for six years instead of bellamy. abandoned because i do not have the patience for longform canon fic, and i feel like this premise has probably already been written better than i could do.

virgin bellamy (the 100, bellarke), 4k -- canon divergent fic in which wanheda is a sex worker who gives bellamy the girlfriend experience. abandoned because it got way out of hand and someone ended up doing a very similar km fill.

river sequel (the 100, bellarke), 2k -- sequel to run me like a river. abandoned because a girl can only write so many noncon piss fics before she gets a reputation. also i don’t like writing pwp sequels.

within cells interlinked (blade runner 2049, joi/k), 3k -- canon divergent au in which joi is turned into a 7 series and is unwittingly k’s prison guard, but she thinks they’re married, as a means of imprisoning/torturing k. abandoned because it was too goddamn plotty, even though i think it has so much potential, and i really did want to finish it :(((

there’s a total of 125k unposted words here, but tbh this helped a lot to write. i thought i had a way longer list and had abandoned a lot more. i’m hoping to post the top five in the next few weeks to help push through my writers’ block. 

[lazygeisha]

A Little Less Conversation. Perfect.

@weilongfu and @andwebegin, this is what I have, will probably never finish and wasn’t going to post anyway. I dunno, I think I’ve lost my mind. @somewhatavidreader read all of this before - I haven’t corrected anything you suggested yet, I am still so grateful you read it 💗, I’m just brain dead. @fkyb read this when it was RAW RAW RAW, not that this is better, but whatever. It’s not finished. I know how it’s supposed to finish, I can see it. but I just can’t get it done. As in get it from my head to the keys, the tone keeps changing on me.

Chu Shu Zhi liked being Guo Chang Cheng’s boyfriend, liked it so much it was perilously close to being called ‘love’. He’d been in a couple of relationships in the past, nothing that ever felt like this, never where he’d been content to finish the night the way his dates now ended. At the beginning of their romance he definitely loved the shared glances, the soft touches, the heady feel of spending all night only kissing and touching. Gradually, though, he’d wanted to take their relationship further, sharing more satisfaction than mind blowing-kisses and exploring hands gave them. And conversation. God, they had a lot of conversation, not that he minded conversation, conversation was great; he’d learned about his K-pop addiction, which drama actor were his favourites, who were his celebrity crushes (and that one he wished he could un-know), how he preferred cats over dogs. It’s only that… He wanted to bite Xiao Guo, taste his skin, run his tongue over every inch of him those loose clothes covered. Wanted to feel himself enveloped in his heat and tightness, wanted to worship at the altar of Guo Chang Cheng. Simply… wanted. Period. And he knew exactly what the obstacle was: his boyfriend. Well, more precisely, what was inside his boyfriend’s head.

Over one dinner, Chang Cheng told him about his first crush, how he’d mocked his ‘scrawny, puny’ body in gym class. “I guess he had a point. I mean, I’m not athletic, like you or him, not built to save a world or anything. I completely understand why he wouldn’t have been interested in me. I mean, who would…” He’d absently pulled his sweater closer over his chest as if attempting to camouflage his body from view. Shu Zhi wanted nothing more at that moment than to track down Xiao Guo’s school crush and destroy him. Since that wasn’t an option, he’d merely raised an eyebrow at the phrase ‘who would’ and pointed a finger at himself. “Me?” There was something like sadness colouring the sigh that escaped his boyfriend, along with an uncertain “Yeah…” Needless to say, the night, and several more after that one, had ended with no more than kisses.

Plan forming in his head, he had no intention of letting the person he cared for most in the world do this to himself, to them, any longer.

~~~

Guo Chang Cheng knew he was on dating on borrowed time. Either way, he was one hundred percent sure his relationship would be ending; whether Chu Ge would dump him because he was tired of solely kisses, or that his boyfriend would be disappointed with what he found when his clothes were off, it would still end. And it would hurt so much more than almost anything else he had ever experienced in his whole life except the death of his parents. It would be the death of his soul, of all the little fantasies he had of their future. Because he wasn’t enough. Again.

When he closed his eyes and thought about what might happen if they’d go that far, he could almost see the look of distaste on Chu Ge’s face; probably similar to the one the boy he’d liked had when he’d seen him in his swim trunks. “Scrawny, puny weakling.” It had hurt when he’d heard it all those years ago, it would shatter him to pieces now.

Worse would be kindness, his Chu Ge being kind to him through his dissatisfaction, trying to fake pleasure and attraction. It had been some weird sort of relief when he’d told him about that gym class, like now they both knew that he knew he wasn’t sexually attractive. So that ‘me?’ comment hurt a little more than maybe it should have, given him a taste of the feeling that would devastate him if he were kind. God, he hated thinking like this, maybe he needed a cookie. A cookie and some time with kittens.

~~~

He was on his fourth cookie - a chocolate chip peanut butter coconut cookie that shouldn’t have tasted good but really, really did – playing with three of the kittens currently working in the café when the text came.

<3ChuGe<3: Tonight, 6pm, my place, dinner. Ok? *heart emoji* <3ChuGe<3: Please?

Here it comes, the ‘thank you and goodbye’ talk. He nearly sent back a message saying he was busy, but what could he possibly have been busy with? He’d know it was a lie, and really it was probably best to get it over with so he could go home and die in the shower, then go to work the next day as if nothing had happened. Sucking it up, he texted back:

 Yep. See you then!

A couple of seconds later, another text:

<3ChuGe<3: What’s wrong?

Frustrated, he texted back

Nothing. Everything is fine.

Thus began what could only be described as a ‘polite argument’ through texts.

<3ChuGe<3: Everything is *not* fine, what’s wrong? You’re at the cat café eating cookies again, aren’t you? Xiao Guo: Yes, but everything is fine. <3ChuGe<3: Now I know everything is not fine because 1) you didn’t send back an emoji and you emoji EVERY text 2) You only go to the café alone when you’re upset. TELL ME. Xiao Guo: Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. I wanted a cookie and a cuddle. <3ChuGe<3: I would have cuddled you I keep cookies in my desk now. For you. Come here and I’ll cuddle and cookie you.

Reading the last text, the pressure in his chest receded somewhat. His boyfriend wouldn’t have offered him his precious stock of cookies and affection if he were going to break it off with him tonight. That would be cruel, right? He wasn’t cruel, he wouldn’t be in love someone cruel. Totally, completely and insecurely in love with not-cruel Chu Shu Zhi.

He sent a final text:

*heart eyes emoji* I’ll see you tonight for dinner. *heart emoji* *heart emoji* *heart emoji* I’m really fine. *blowing kiss emoji* I have kittens to cuddle. *pusheen heart emoji*

He wasn’t all surprised to receive an answer a minute later.

<3ChuGe<3: I call overuse of emojis. *laugh emoji* See you tonight. *heart emoji* *heart emoji* *heart emoji*

~~~

The door opened in the middle of Guo’s second knock, the hand poised to rap again snatched to pull him inside. Chu Ge’s warm, gentle smile was enhanced by the soft glow of candlelight lighting the apartment; so many candles were lit, he'd have suspected a power failure if he hadn't seen the hall light working perfectly. His boyfriend’s outfit was different than the usual clothing he wore; snugger if that were possible, the not-quite-buttoned button up shirt showing off more of his chest than the normal tank top.

“Hi.” The word was spoken softly, seductively, prequel to a lingering kiss which left them both a little dazed, despite several months of dating and innumerable kisses. “Mmmm.. Are you hungry?” When it was spoken in a provocative growl against his lips, it felt like there was more to that question than was asked, the breathy “uh huh” an answer to the underlying question.

“Confess, how many cookies did you eat?” Chu seemed to enjoy the flush creeping over his boyfriend’s face. “Two.” When the silence lingered, he sighed and admitted, “Five.” Guo Chang Cheng found himself pulled into an affectionate hug, a joy-filled kiss pressed to his hair with words that sounded very much like “God, I love you” said so quietly he almost missed them. Startled, he pulled back enough to search Chu Ge’s face for any sign of sarcasm or joking. All he found was a pair of mocha eyes gazing back at him with adoration, sort of goofy tilt to his expressive lips. “Yeah, I do”, a hint of surprise in his voice.

~~~

He’d not meant to confess, he didn’t realise he’d slipped into love until his boyfriend tried to lie, badly, about his cookie intake. He’d never felt love for anyone before except his brother, hadn’t ever had the intensity of feeling like this, the urge to protect, to possess someone entirely, to make someone else happy no matter what it took to do it. There was something in Guo Chang Cheng that triggered a homing instinct in his soul, that instant he knew without hesitation that there would never be anyone more perfect for him, never be anyone who with a simple glance of those cinnamon eyes could reduce him to a mass of quivering want. He knew that his words were unexpected when disbelief shown on his boyfriend’s face, in a way that slightly hurt. He’d tried so hard to show him that he was loved, cared for, and yet he hadn’t seen it. Had fled to his safe, happy place to eat cookies and play with kittens, alone. “So, next time you’re hurt, come to me. Or take me with you. I like cookies and kittens too. But I love you.”

Xiao Guo moved his mouth to reply, nothing came out. Those gorgeous cinnamon eyes glittered with tears, some of which overflowed and slid down his face. Shu Zhi cupped his jaw with careful hands, brushing his thumbs to wipe away the moisture before pulling him in for another kiss. After a moment, he felt more than heard “I love you too” against his lips and hands slide up to pull him deeper. Tongues teased languidly as if they had all the time in the world, small sounds of passion slipped out and echoed in the apartment, caresses exchanged; all of this wasn’t new, now, however, there was deeper emotion behind it.

Before it got out of hand, he kissed his way along his boyfriend's jawline to lightly lick his ear. “I promised I’d feed you, so we need to stop.” Snorting at Xiao Guo’s grumble of dissatisfaction, he stepped out of his arms to pull him towards the sofa. “Luckily you’ve eaten five cookies so you won’t be starving. This isn’t actually really dinner, more of a demonstration.” He picked up a black piece of cloth off the sofa and held it up. “You need to wear this over your eyes.” Those cinnamon coloured eyes widened in outright shock. “Um, what?” Chu repeated himself. “You. Need. To. Wear. This. Trust me, okay?” He cajoled, “Please?” when Chang Cheng paused, then given a hesitant nod of the head.

He removed the ever-present shoulder bag, dropped it next to the sofa and turned him around. “Let me know if it’s too tight. I don’t want you to be able to see, okay?” Slipping the cloth over his eyes, he tied a firm knot. “Good?” A quick nod in response. “Okay, sit here for a moment, don’t touch the blindfold.” Chang Cheng was gently placed on the floor, back to the sofa. “I’ll be right back.”

~~~

He heard Chu Ge move off to do whatever, feeling a little weird with a black cloth covering half his face. Tonight was both wonderful and slightly strange. He was still buzzing with the confession, nerves thrumming with both the aftereffects of the kiss and the fact that he was sitting on the floor in literal blind trust while his boyfriend prepared him for something. All of that overlaid with a feeling of being home, wanted. Maybe he could finally work up the courage to take his clothes off.

The sound of returning footsteps alerted him to whatever was going to happen next, the thunk of plates being placed on the low table in front of him sounding louder in the silent room than it should.

“Okay, scootch up a bit.” Hands pushed him a little forward, he felt Chu Ge slip in and sit behind him, his legs bracketing his own body. “Comfy?” Comfy? Try turned on? Excited? Nervous? “Um.. yeah.”

Whispers in his ear, accompanied by the touch of a bristly chin sent shivers over his skin. “Good. Now, taste this.” He felt something cool and damp against his lips, scented lightly like peach. He opened them up to let his boyfriend slip it in, feeling a thumb brush against his closed lips. “Chew and swallow, please.” The finger continued to caress his lips as he did as requested. “Try this.” Another cool, moist piece of peach was placed in his mouth, this one more fragrant, again asked to chew and swallow. “Which one was better, Xiao Guo? First or second?”

Trying to speak was proving difficult. “Um, the second one. It was sweeter.” He felt arms come around him and hug him quickly. “Good, good. Now try this.” A small, round object was placed against his lips. “Open.” Blueberry. Again another round object was placed against his lips, smaller this time, again was requested to taste it. “Which one did you like more? One or two?” Chu Ge seemed very happy that his answer was two, it earned him a kiss on the temple.

And so it went for the next few minutes; asparagus, shrimp, strawberries, raspberries. Each time a request for Xiao Guo to tell him which tasted better, each time a reward for the ‘right’ answer. Finally, the blindfold was removed and Chang Cheng blinked against the soft candlelight, re-accustoming his eyes to the light. In front of him on the low table were all the things he’d sampled, two of each kind, one larger than the other. He turned questioning eyes on his boyfriend, saw a slow smile steal across his lips. “Every single time, Xiao Guo, you chose the smaller one. You said the smaller one tasted better. Do you understand now that bigger isn’t always better?” Chu Shi Zhi stood up, pulled him to his feet, wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, mocha eyes gazing into cinnamon ones. “Smaller things are as good, if not often better, love, than larger things. That idiot in gym class couldn’t appreciate you for you. It sucks for him and I’m sorry he hurt you, but I’m happy for me that I grabbed you and he didn’t.”

Xiao Guo gave up even trying to hold back the tears. Unable to express his overwhelming emotions, he simply clung to his boyfriend like he was the only thing keeping him alive and let them flow. Soothing hands swept up and down his spine, calming, reassuring; utterances of love and comfort washing over him, easing the storm. Finally, he relaxed against Chu Ge, mumbling quiet apologies into his shoulder. “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to turn into a mess.”

He felt a small kiss on his forehead. “It’s fine, don’t be upset. You know I had an ulterior motive for this, right?” His boyfriend wiggled his eyebrows in what was supposed to be a provocative way. “Ugh, please don’t do that, you look like Chief Zhao when you do that and it kinda kills the mood.” He did not want to think about his boss when he was contemplating getting naked with his boyfriend.

“Oh, god, sorry, no!”

Xiao Guo tightened his arms around his Chu Ge, now definitely his Chu Ge, hitched up onto his body and wrapped his legs around an apparently surprised boyfriend. He felt hands on his bottom, supporting his weight and maybe copping a bit of a feel. “There is one thing, though, that being bigger is much better at than being small…” As he breathed the words his lips caressed Shu Zhi’s ear. “You can carry me into the bedroom so much easier than I can carry you.”

~~~

It wouldn't surprise him if his heart’d stopped. He turned to examine Chang Cheng’s face for signs of hesitation, reluctance or anything that would have prevented him from going further. “Are you sure? Because we don’t have to…” He sighed and closed his eyes, seeking the right way to say what he felt. “This wasn’t about me wanting to get into your pants.” At a quirk of an eyebrow, he blushed a bit and admitted, “Okay, maybe a little.” He swooped in for a quick kiss. “I need you to be aware though, that it’s you, I want to be with you because it’s you. How you look, or think you look, isn’t important. But, by the way, you're really stunning, just so you know.” Another quick kiss. “Don’t let some ass’s opinion from all those years ago stay in your head, make you think that you’re not good enough. I may be your first relationship, but for me you’re the relationship, do you understand? There is no one else I would ever want, you fill all my empty spaces.”

His heart was clearly working because it twisted when he caught the watery smile of utter joy on his boyfriend’s face, provoking protective urges more than romantic ones. “Please stop crying or I may start? Please?” He kissed the top of Xiao Guo’s head. “I’m not sure whether to take you to the bedroom or take you home.” He let out a long sigh. “I’ll take you ho-”

“Bedroom. Please?” There was a firmness, a certainty he hadn’t heard before when he spoke.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, as sure as I’ll ever be for something I’ve never done.” A warm face buried itself in the space between his shoulder and neck as if to hide, unexpected tiny kisses pressed to Chu’s skin.

He carried him slowly to the bedroom, his lips explored the exposed surface of Chang Cheng's throat, soothing the small bites he left with flicks of his tongue. If his boyfriend kept arching against him like that and whimpering, though, this wouldn’t last long.

In the moonlit bedroom, as Xiao Guo slid down off his waist he held him close so he could find balance. His face was flushed, either with embarrassment or excitement, Chu wasn’t sure. “You okay? Do you want to stop?” His boyfriend’s head shook slightly, “No. I just… I don’t know what to do.” The scarlet flush crept higher.

“You don’t have to do anything, Xiao Guo. Relax and everything will flow, I promise.” He brushed soft hands over his jawline, nibbling the smooth skin behind his ear. “I’ve been wanting to worship you for weeks, let me?”

~~~

His ability to think crashed and burned. “You want to worship me?” In his whole existence no one had ever wanted to do anything that was remotely like worshiping him. The nibbling continued, leaving trails of sparks, tantalizing. “MMMhmmm.” Teeth nipping his earlobe, fingers skimming his skin, all he could seem to do is feel at this point. “I have been yearning to worship you for weeks. It’s been so hard,” his boyfriend teased his arousal against a hip, “no pun intended, to stop at only kissing you.” Hands slid down his back, over his bottom, pulling him hard up against an even harder body. “You can tell me to stop any time you need to and I will, I promise.” Now there was licking involved and it was doing wondrous things to his body; in a daze, he wondered if it were possible to die from sheer pleasure.

He slid his own hands up, over Chu Ge’s jaw and eagerly pulled those luscious lips back to his, frantically trying to show him how much he wanted to not stop, not ever stop. Please don’t stop. Licking inexpertly against his boyfriend’s mouth, he felt him smile into the kiss, foreheads meet. “Shhh, we have all night, Xiao Guo. No rush, let me make it the best for you I can, okay?”

~~~

Deft fingers undid buttons and zippers, pulled off clothing until he stood bare under a stunned gaze. Chu Shu Zhi couldn’t stop staring. Xiao Guo was�� Perfect. When he said it aloud, told him exactly how beautiful, how flawless he was, the flush blooming on his smooth, slim, delicious chest flowed up over his features sparked a craving to follow it’s course with his mouth. He grabbed the hands he’d tried to cover himself with, embarrassment clearly visible in the movements. “Please, don’t. I’m honestly… Wow. I can’t tell you enough how perfect you are. I keep saying that, don’t I? But you are, you’re perfect.” He knew he was babbling like an idiot, so much not like the 'suave seduction expert' he was going for.

He was in a daze, taking in the slim, delicious torso, the porcelain skin almost glowing like mother of pearl in the light shining through the uncovered windows, contrasting with the patch of hair below his waist. There was not an inch of him he didn’t want to touch, taste, tease. He didn’t know what he’d done in a previous life, but he was sure he didn’t deserve this.

“Can you- can you please not make me the only naked person here?” Awkward tugging on his shirtfront snapped him out of it, quickly pulling off his own clothes until there was nothing left between them but air and moonlight.

~~~

He was certain he must have saved the world in a previous life. There was no other way to explain why this.. this.. staggeringly glorious magnificent person wanted him. He was ordinary, unremarkable, absolutely not built like a mythical god like the man standing nude in front of him, for him.  Self-doubt must have shown on his face because he was suddenly pulled into a fierce embrace, fingers under his chin, forcing his eyes to meet Chu Ge’s. “Stop. You’re doing it again, questioning yourself. You’re everything I want, everything I’ve ever wanted. You pull me in like the tide, Xiao Guo.”

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Happy 30th To Me

So I was thinking long and hard about what I would like to do on Tumblr to mark my 30th birthday. So I’ve decided to give you 15 opinions I have about the various fandoms I live around. Some may be unpopular opinions and some may be very popular opinions. This might get negative in some parts but hey, it’s my birthday and I’ll bitch if I want to. And it’s 15 opinions because it was around the age of 15 when I became aware of the existence of fandom.

This list is in not particular order. I’m just literally listing things off as they come to mind.

1. The Mummy (the Brendon Fraser one) is the best movie of all time with the greatest otp of all time. This movie has it all – action, adventure, romance, humor. And Rick and Evie are just the cutest couple ever.

2. I didn’t care about Derek from Teen Wolf. Derek stans, don’t construe this to mean I didn’t like Derek. He was fine. I just wasn’t invested in him as a character and it really only felt like he was there to be eye candy to give the adults something to look at.

3. I will never ship canon Sterek. I get why the fandom was upset about Sterek. We all get a little disappointed when our favorite ships don’t go canon. But it always came off as pretty obvious, to me anyways, that the show had no intention of delivering on Sterek. I think fanon Sterek is a lot of fun (if you adjust the age difference) but looking at Sterek on the show, there just wasn’t enough there for me to actually really get into the ship. They had some nice interactions but nothing that really lead me to believe there was a love story between them that needed to be told. Plus, with Derek being an adult and Stiles still a minor, I’m just not into that statutory thing.

4. My favorite Taylor Swift album is Fearless. A lot of people gravitate towards Red as Taylor’s best album and that it should’ve won a Grammy but that’s not my opinion. For me, Fearless is where it’s at. While the songwriting is amazing in Red, more often than not, when I have Taylor Swift on shuffle, I find myself skipping songs from Red the most. Red has a bunch of songs that are nice to listen to but they don’t necessarily make me want to get up and sing into my hair brush in the way that Fearless does. Fearless has great songwriting plus it inspires me to belt out the songs in the shower. It’s kind of the best of both worlds, really.

5. In the original Charmed, Prue was my least favorite sister. I’m sorry, but I thought she was a really shitty sister who through her entire character arc never really resonated with me.

6. I did not like Brie Larson as Captain Marvel. And this goes just beyond the whole popular trend of people not liking Brie. Personally, I thought she gave a very weak performance. And I legitimately do not care about Captain Marvel’s presence in the MCU.

7. I actually like the Star Wars prequels. Are they perfect films? Certainly not. But I think they very much do succeed in telling the story of the events that lead into episode 4 and in an enjoyable way. Sure, there’s a couple of plot holes here and there but they’re not really that big of a deal to me. It doesn’t hinder the enjoyment of the films for me.

8. I think Disney Star Wars sucks though. I’ve found these movies to be overall pointless and a waste of time. They’re literally just telling the exact same story 4-6 did, just in a less interesting way. They do nothing to enrich the Star Wars universe, the new characters are bland and boring and I can’t stand how all the male characters have to be written as incompetent in order to make the female characters shine (it’s such lazy writing). I’m all about having strong female characters but not at the cost of the male characters being lowered beneath them. At that point, those “strong female characters” aren’t actually strong, they’re just a caricature of a power fantasy.

9. Show!Malec in Shadowhunters is awful. Yup, I said it. They have a really shitty relationship and their endgame was not at all earned. Well, let’s be honest, no one’s endgame in the show was earned. Shadowhunters was just a badly written show in general and I don’t feel bad at all that it was cancelled.

10. I don’t understand the obsession with Good Omens currently. This show has taken over Tumblr practically and I guess I don’t understand why? I didn’t think the show was all that good. It was fun, I didn’t mind watching it, but I don’t have this desire to write meta about it and analyze every aspect of it. As a show, it was fine but ultimately, I felt I could move on from it relatively quickly. Maybe this is one of those things where you have to read the books to really understand.

11. Chuck is a really good and underrated tv series. And you should totally watch it.

12. I actually dislike Josie way more than I dislike Hope on Legacies. Surprising, I know, considering I’m always complaining about Hope but really, while Hope may be this Mary Sue kind of character, I just think Josie is really dull and predictable. Even though her self-entitled personality grates on my nerves, there is a potential for an interesting character. Selfless as a flaw though, is my least favorite character trait, it’s just cheesy, and it makes me cringe, so yeah, Josie makes me cringe.

13. Power Rangers is a fun franchise. I’m not ashamed to admit that I unironically enjoy this series. And this isn’t childhood nostalgia talking as I never got into Power Rangers as a kid. I didn’t start watching the franchise until I was an adult and I found that I actually kind of enjoy it.

14. I don’t want any romantic endgames for the SPN finale. I think the ship wars within the SPN finale are really dumb. And the way THAT faction behaves in regards to their ship, is really toxic and I don’t want their ship to happen specifically because I’m a vindictive person and I want karma to roll back on them.

15. Dean Winchester really is kind of the worst.

I’m fond of saying that with season 14, me and Dean just kind of had a falling out but really, the more I think about the show, the more I realize that there’s just no way season 15 could possibly redeem Dean’s character in my eyes in a way that I would be okay with it. But knowing how the writers typically write Dean, it’s probably futile to hope Dean will face any meaningful consequences and the writing probably will bend over backwards to absolve him of guilt like they usually do.

[historyman101]

How I think Eureka 7: Hi-Evolution should have been made

Some people have asked me how I would have liked Eureka 7 Hi-Evolution to go if I was the one making it. I got to talking about it with a friend of mine one night, and we came up with a story that, frankly, I think most of us wanted to see at the beginning, but I will post them here anyway. First, a bit of an explanation.

If I ever seem disproportionately angry about the direction of Hi-Evo, it’s because a lot of the problems in this trilogy are the fault of bad writing and a poor development phase. Being an aspiring author myself, I have a tendency to pick apart story lines and can spot what does and doesn’t make sense. I do this in my own writing all the time, which is why I’m still editing my historicals for publication. If I reuploaded them now, they would read very differently.

This trilogy could easily be fixed if Dai Sato just had an editor to rein him in or tell him what works and what doesn’t. I’ll be honest: part of me doesn’t want to believe Sato is really behind this since he makes so much other good content otherwise. And if his Otaquest interview is to be believed, I think he was bent over a desk to work on this. It’s clear from his tone that he’s on this project because he has to be, not because he wants to be.

In addition, given the really schizophrenic advertising this movie trilogy has gotten and the sometimes laughably dissonant tones of the two films so far, I think this trilogy went through development hell. I will talk about this a little more later, but suffice it to say that I suspect one or both films’ plots were changed at the last minute (which would also explain the really shoddy writing) and the animation and art direction in both films make that painfully obvious.

If you’re interested to see how I would have structured this, read on below the cut (some spoilers follow).

Before, we get to my dream trilogy, we need to talk about why I think the current trilogy doesn’t work from a storytelling perspective. Don’t worry, I’ll keep this short.

Of course, HE 3 hasn’t been made yet, so I can’t say for sure how it will all tie together, but at the moment, nothing in this trilogy feels truly connected. The two entries we’ve seen feel like completely different films and one of them comes off as an original film that was changed to fit into E7 at the last minute. The first one is a rushed recap film that tells a new version of old events in the TV series, and the second one effectively renders the first one null to resurrect dead characters in the sequel as well as bringing in the lazy plot device of dimension-hopping, clearly aping from AO.

So, to remedy the problem, here is how I would have structured this trilogy, with a short explanation for each.

Hi-Evolution 1: A full “prequel,” detailing Eureka’s origins and her time in the Federation military with both Adrock Thurston and Holland Novak. The movie would climax with the First Summer of Love and Adrock’s death and end near Renton’s desertion of the Gekkostate (episode 21-22).

The first film should have followed Eureka’s perspective, not Renton’s. I mean, hell, Eureka’s face was on the fucking poster for the first film, so the fact it was almost solely about Renton is just baffling. The way the film was originally billed and marketed, this is what I and I think many others were expecting to see. Instead, we have a recap film that uses the first 20 minutes for an event that should really be used for a climax. This would also fall more in line with Renton’s supposed obsession about finding out about his father, as Kyoda once hinted at in the runup to the film.

Hi-Evolution 2: A “recap” of most of the OG series with some updated and streamlined parts, told from Anemone’s perspective. Some plot points may change such as Anemone chasing after Eureka in the skyfall scene from episode 26, and both she and Dominic deserting to Gekkostate after learning Dewey’s intentions. Chronologically, the film would end at or near the 45-47 episode mark of the original series.

Okay, now I know people will jump down my throat for this since I have criticized clipshows/recap films, but hear me out.

Recap films can work, but HE 1 doesn’t. It comes out clunky, disorganized, and rushed. But if a recap film followed a true “prequel,” it would make much more sense and be easier for the audience to accept. This particular structure would not only make use of stock footage (hopefully remastered and reformatted into 16:9) but it would also be interspersed with new footage showing Dominic and Anemone, as the rest of the anime would play out from her perspective. The “playback” motif would make more sense here as well, since it can be told post-series in the form of recollections from Anemone, Dominic, or both.

HE 2 as is just does not work. The only way it could work is if it or the first film is told from Eureka’s perspective because that way we can more easily empathize with her when she is revealed to be the villain. How it plays out originally gives the audience no reason to care about her since she is barely on-screen in HE 1 and is with Renton even less. Developing their romance is important, else it will not feel genuine to the viewer.

In addition, this film would actually build and add more to Anemone’s character, which HE 2 completely fails to do. I had some hopes for HE 2 since Anemone was always a character I thought could use more exploration. The film could have easily used its time to give Anemone a proper backstory, explain how she came to the Federation military and show us the experiments to which she was subjected. Instead, HE 2 gives us a completely different Anemone, a cutesy, peppy Japanese girl joining the military to avenge her father’s death. In other words, a generic moeblob heroine.

Hi-Evolution 3: The real “sequel,” showing events of the final leg of the OG series and events post-series, wrapping up the story for good. All characters’ fates would be resolved or explained, giving them the necessary development. Gekkostate is disbanded, Dominic and Anemone work to restructure the military, and Eureka and Renton start a new life together, maybe having a child.

This has the most flexibility, depending on how long the film would be. It would focus not only on Renton and Eureka but on Anemone and Dominic as well if the “recap” film doesn’t add any enough information regarding them. The sequel can even be told from a different character’s perspective (like Holland’s) if need be.

This would do the one thing that is holding this trilogy back: cut out all the unnecessary timelines and start from a clean slate, which is frankly what it should have done to begin with. Hi-Evolution should have just built from what worked before and what people actually liked, forgetting everything else.

I will go into more detail about why Hi-Evolution failed in a separate post once the third film drops, but for now, those are my thoughts on how this trilogy should have played out.

So, am I on the right track? Totally off base? Maybe have ideas of your own? Feel free to reblog and add your own thoughts if you have any.