#so anyways here is some humor to cope with my trauma!

[kaythefloppa]

Am I doing this dark humor thing, right?

[ghosts-bandwagon]

Hi, your last post about reader not knowing that it was sa, I saw that and I wanted to request something. What if reader knows that she have been through it but she mentions this as a joke, she says it and just keep going like she said something silly. How would the boys (141 + konig) react?

(I do this sometimes and I don’t like it, but it feels like some kind of copying mechanism)

I’m sorry if this was too much, do not feel that u need to write this.

Anyway, thank u so much and take care

Honestly I make out of pocket jokes about my own trauma all the time, so I feel this

tw: mentions of trauma, brief mentions of sexual assault- nothing graphic or descriptive, humor as a coping mechanism, comfort

Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley:

Whiplashed so hard his neck is broken

“You bein’ serious?”

You explain what happened but you’re a little too blasé about it, he understands humor as a coping mechanism but this is a little serious

And by ‘a little’ I mean very

“Love, you can’t just drop a bomb like that.” He tries to soften his tone but his rage at what you’ve just told him is starting to seep through

He doesn’t realize he’s being a little hypocritical, we’ve all heard his “army humor” so he really doesn’t have a lot of room to talk. But the fact that it happened to you has blinded him to that fact. It’s not that you can’t make jokes, it’s that you shouldn’t have to because it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

He doesn’t even let you apologize before he’s pulling you into his arms, hands shaking, doing his best not to imagine what kind of sick fuck would do that to you

“Simon, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.” His tone is firm and he’s refusing to let you go, so instead of arguing, you opted to melt into his embrace. Hands running up and down his back and as he’s kissing the crown of your head he’s wondering how worthwhile it’d be to give the fucker a visit. Maybe teach him a lesson or two.

John ‘Soap’ MacTavish:

Laughing with your joke at first but then it hits him like a ton of bricks

“Beg your pardon?”

You explain the joke and the context with a dismissive laugh before going back to what you were doing and he’s just frozen in place

Someone… hurt you… in one of the most awful ways imaginable, and you’re laughing it off?

He’s not sure if he should be in awe at your resilience or concerned at your choice of coping mechanism, so he takes a gentle approach

“Bonnie, you know you can talk to me, aye?”

“I know, I just… don’t want to burden you with it. I mean, it’s not like it’s your fault it happened.” He’s holding your hands in his, gently massaging the space between your thumb and your index finger,

“Aye that’s true, but it’s you. And I love you, good and bad included.” He gently held the back of your head and kissed your forehead,

“Anytime you feel like talkin’ I’m here. Copy?”

He doesn’t usually bring work jargon home but he knows it gets a laugh from you, and sure enough your little giggle proved him right

“Copy.”

John Price:

The whiplash also broke his neck

“Sorry, what?”

His heart broke when you explained yourself and whined that the explanation ruined the punchline

“Sweetheart, that’s no laughin’ matter.” His tone was gentle as he approached you, hands hesitantly coming to rest on your hips, suddenly unsure of himself

“Honey, I’m fine. It’s how I cope.”

“I know, and there’s nothin’ wrong with that. Just, maybe, talk to me about it instead, yeah?” One of his hands came up to cup your cheek and you closed your eyes and leaned into the warmth of his palm, trapping it between your cheek and your shoulder

“I don’t wanna be a downer, John.”

“Never. I’m more concerned for your well-being than bloody mood. Am I clear?” As you looked in his eyes, you saw nothing but honesty and genuine concern, so you nodded

You closed your eyes and kissed his palm before he pulled you in to a tight embrace.

Kyle ‘Gaz’ Gerrick:

He heard you say it and weakly laughs before stopping as he chews on the words a little more

“Wait, what was that?”

And when you’re passively explaining it to him in the same way you’d talk about the weather he is in shock

He’s not sure if you’re trying to put on a brave face if you’re as nonchalant as you seem. He’s inclined to believe it’s the former.

“Babe that’s no joke. That’s kind of serious.”

“Don’t sweat it, Kyle. It’s how I’ve dealt with it. I’ve got it.”

He’s unsure but at the same time if it’s really worked for you so far then there’s no harm in letting it continue right? Wrong. He’s a little uncomfortable but it’s more so because it happened to you, someone he loves so deeply and he can’t fathom the idea

“Well yeah, I get that. But maybe we can talk about it when you feel like joking about it?” He shrugs, his words cautious and carefully chosen as he makes his suggestion

“I just want you to be alright. Ok?” His arms are rubbing yours before he’s pulling you into a hug, “I’ll always be here for you, babe.”

König:

Not a single chuckle from this man as he’s chewing over the words in his head

“Schatz, what’d you just say?”

When you explained what happened with a shrug and an all too casual tone, he’s tasting iron in his mouth from how hard he’s biting his cheek

He doesn’t want you to think he’s angry at you, never in a million years, but jesus christ schatz, surely there’s no way?

It’s not that he doesn’t believe you, he just can’t believe it happened to you, you’re the light of his life, his reason for existing, you’re the morning sun and the midnight moon, he’s truly in shock

“König?” Your voice snapped him out of his thoughts and in two short steps he was in front of you, sinking to his knees and hugging your middle. He’s buried his face in your shoulder as your arms wrap around his shoulders and you run your fingers through his hair.

“Liebling, please don’t make those jokes anymore, ok?” His voice is so small and fragile, you almost felt like it was a child talking instead of the 6’ something behemoth at your feet, “I can’t stand to hear that you’ve been hurt like that.”

“König it’s ok, really. Humor is how I cope.” You kiss the crown of his head and your chin against it,

“I know, liebling, I know but I’d much rather you talk to me ok? Please? For me?”

[untaemedqueen]

At Your Service

Escort!Jeongguk x CEO!Reader

Genre: Strangers to Lovers!AU, Angst, Fluff, Smut

Chapter 23.

Series Warnings (Will Be Updated): Angst, Fluff, Cold Heartedness, Emotional Trauma, Healing, Smut, Dark Humor

Warnings For This Chapter: TEA

To step on campus again feels like stepping into a past reality that Guk isn't so sure he's comfortable with.

The month that Joon was supposed to be gone turned into two and Jeongguk found a niceness in having a regular schedule… until he ended up coming back, of course.

The annoyance of seeing the blonde man started to creep up once again once he came back. Joon seemed like he was coping well until he wasn't. His personality and his actions reverted right back to how he was before he went on vacation. You attested it to Namjoon breaking up with his vacation fling but Jeongguk couldn't forgive him for acting in such a way.

So when you bought him a car and you told him to enroll once more to Stanford, he was relieved in a way. But now as he steps onto the green for his first classes of the semester, he's having scary flashbacks to when he was last here.

Leaning against one of the big trees, he takes a deep calming breath. The last time he was here, it was a distressing mess.

Moving out of his dorm room, saying goodbye to all of the girls that used to pay him… it hurts his soul to think about.

Guk is excited for his classes though, to think about experiencing learning his favorite things once more without having the struggle of escorting excites him.

Taking a deep breath and looking over to the science building, he can only smile to himself. "Okay, let's go."

The walk isn't long, it's nice to take in the fresh fall air as the wind whips around him soothingly. The sounds of excited college students talking all around him fills him with determination.

"Excuse me?"

His head turns slowly, having to look down at the girl who has tapped his shoulder.

He gives her a small friendly smile, unsure what he can do to help her or why she's called him but she seems incredibly confident in her pink and white houndstooth dress. There's something elite about her in a way, maybe it's her confident smile or maybe it's how she crosses her arms.

"Do you need help finding your building?" she inquires.

There's a heavy bit of flirting on her end, smoothness curling off of her tongue to no avail. Just behind her are two other girls, people that the father of your child assumes are something of a posse for this girl.

"Oh no, thanks. I got it," he breathes, once again giving a smile to be off.

When he goes to turn around, she stops him by pressing her perfectly manicured hand to his bicep. "That was my way of asking you if you wanted to hang out."

He hums knowingly, fixing his shoulder bag. "Oh, I know. I'm just not interested. Thanks though."

"Excuse me?" she grumbles, blinking at his words.

College will forever and always be the same, Guk guesses.

"Have a good day," your fiance says curtly, taking off towards the science building.

"Are you kidding me?!" she gasps, laughing aloud.

"I'm married," he calls back to her, not even turning around.

"Girl, you didn't see him in the tabloids? His fiance is like mega rich or something," one of the posse guffaws, earning a smile on the father of your child's face.

Some things never change. Only people do.

Jeongguk has missed this so much. The satisfaction of learning his favorite subject is simply awe-inspiring. As soon as he sat down in his first lecture of the day, he realized just how much he needed this. He needs to learn, he needs to use his brain and more than anything he needs to have like minds around him.

How could he ever have gone so long without using his mind like this? How could he ever have been an escort when his calling is physics? And the only reason he could do all this is you.

He has been getting weird looks all day, not because he's new (he doesn't think so anyway) but because both him and yourself have been slapped over news articles for the past two months.

Once he started working at your company, once you started really showing off his baby, the media began to eat it up. He can still remember tabloid headlines now, the quick witted words stuck in his brain like gum on a shoe.

The Queen Of Wine Wraps Her Vines Around The Perfect Man.

Self Made Millionaire Grabs Handsome Man As Prize For Her Own.

Aloof Millionaire Finally Finds It In Her Heart To Settle Down.

Wine Owner Comes Down From Her Tower, Pregnant And Barefoot For The World To See.

You seemed to only mind that they were talking about Guk without his permission but he didn't care. He has you and his son, he has happiness and love, who is he to care?

Putting his laptop back into his shoulder bag, he takes a look around the lecture hall he sat in so many years ago. Everything is the same, the wall paint, the large podium, the projector screen with the thinnest crack in it -- everything.

His professor is not the same but he finds comfort in that. He wouldn't want his old professor to see him once again and be weary of his dedication to learning.

As the rest of the students depart, his professor calls his name without looking away from his binder. "Jeongguk Jeon?"

Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he tilts his head. "Yes, Professor Haleford?"

He descends the long set of stairs, minding a few other students who give him curious glances on their way out.

When the room is empty, Haleford looks up. "I see here that you've taken this class previously for a year before dropping out, not just of physics but the whole college."

Guk chuckles awkwardly, running his hand over the back of his neck. So much for comfort and no awkwardness.

"Yeah, I…I couldn't afford it back then. But now that I can, I want to dedicate myself to this subject and everything it has to offer. This is my passion," your fiance breathes, looking down at his shoes.

"Interesting. Y'know, the professor before me, Professor Albastone, he wasn't so much of a forward thinker. He had his ways about him and his strict thinking, always wanting to be the next Hawking, but y'know… this is theoretical physics! You can't be set in your ways, your mind has to always be expanding! You have to always keep your mind open!"

Jeongguk nods, immediately entranced by the man's words and yet confused on what else there is to say.

"I did end up coming across the mandatory papers Albastone made you all right during your first term. And I remembered your name almost immediately because your paper got me thinking. The words you wrote, the theories of why sand is so fluid, why certain elements transform into sound, already known structures and yet sand is a mass unlike others, got me thinking. And to be quite honest, I like that. I like your outlook and your ability to question even the most simple of things. It takes an expansive mind to do so."

Widening his eyes, the father of your child smiles. This professor is complimenting him when he himself proved that quantum geometry is sound and concrete.

"Oh," Guk breathes airily, "Wow! Thank you so much."

Haleford gives him a small smile, nodding to himself almost as if he's determining something right then and there.

"I look forward to working and learning with you, Jeongguk."

"Yes! Me as well, Professor! Thank you!"

They shake hands, Guk's being maybe just the slightest bit too sweaty and over excited but his face is beaming with a large smile.

"I'll see you tomorrow, maybe sure you bring that brain with you. Hmm?" Haleford grins, grabbing his briefcase.

Your fiance nods enthusiastically, reaching for the strap of his shoulder bag and looking around the lecture hall once more.

As the door slams shut and as he sighs brightly, his phone begins to ring. The vibrating in his pocket is endless and he raises an eyebrow. You're probably on your way home from work by now. Hopefully you're alright.

When he pulls out his cell, At Your Service is easily readable and he simply blinks at it. Maybe Jimin or Taehyung are calling to ask him how his first class of the year went?

"Hello?" he answers, making his way out of the room.

"Big dog!"

Guk tilts his head confused, eyebrows pinching at the voice.

"Hey Tony? How can I help you?"

Why on Earth would Tony be calling him?

"Hey dude! I just have a quick question for you, if that's cool. I know you're all shacked up with your pregnant mama bear and what not."

Guk immediately cringes at his words, face scrunching up like he has just smelt the worst shit of all time.

"Uh," he breathes awkwardly, "Yeah, sure. What do you want -- What do you need? Sorry."

The laugh his former boss and college mate gives signifies he has absolutely no idea what kind of person he is and in a way Jeongguk finds that hilarious.

Rolling his eyes, he exits the science building.

"So, you know that we do questionnaires and wait lists to become a client for At Your Service, right?"

"Yeah, sure. That's why we were always so reputable," Guk agrees, heading to his car.

"Right! Exactly! Oh man! I fuckin' miss you, dude… Anyway, a lot of the time, rich cronies will often add in a reference client that they know to help quicken the process. As you know, Applehyme only got in as fast as she did because she had Ada Steinberg's reference."

Your fiance nods, placing the phone between his shoulder and ear to dig through his bag to find his car keys. "Uh huh."

"So I was going through the applications this morning and I found one that has your name as a reference!"

Guk immediately stops moving, blinking at Tony's words curiously. "What?!"

"I know, right?! I was like, 'Damn, I'm never gonna get away from this handsome kid!' So that's why I'm calling, for your reference."

"Hold on," Guk breathes, opening up the driver's side door and throwing his shoulder bag onto the seat beside him. He puts the phone on speaker and leans back into his seat, folding his arms.

Who the fuck would use him as a reference? He doesn't even know anybody!

"Okay. Sorry, I was getting in my car."

"Niiiiice, big dog! What're you driving these days?"

Oh God, please… not small talk with Tony. Anything but this.

"A Ferrari F60 America," he mumbles, turning on the engine.

"Oh damn! Pregnant mama bear has some coin! You lucky son of a bitch!"

"I am lucky, yes… Who was the person who put me down as a reference?" Guk asks, taking a sip of his water.

"Oh! Right! Some kid named Jasper… Hyde?"

The words make the water come flying out of his mouth at high speed and he coughs loudly, throwing his head back.

"It's weird too. The guy works for Albion Motors, it's not like he's a businessman or anything. He has no assets and nothing to get in but your name."

Your fiance still continues to cough, wiping at his dashboard with a weak hand.

"O-Oh my God!" he croaks out, lowering his window for fresh air.

"So… Should I process his form?"

Guk takes in a large breath of air before settling. "I gotta tell Y/-- Hold off, I have to speak to someone about it first. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Yeah, no problem, dude. It's not like I'm going anywhere. And neither is he."

"Great! I gotta get on the road, Tony. I'll call you back."

"No problem, big dog. We'll talk tomorrow. Take it easy. Say hi to the pregnant mama bear for me."

When the line goes dead, Jeongguk starts to voraciously laugh aloud, eyes practically watering as he replays the conversation in his mind.

"I gotta get home," he chuckles, putting on his seatbelt.

As soon as your fiance opens up the front door to the mansion, Hawking is there to greet him with big paws and an open excited mouth.

"Hey, buddy!" he hisses softly, the sound getting swallowed by the opera music in the background.

The scent of chicken and spices sings through the air, alerting him of your cooking and he simply smiles at the thought.

Pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, probably burning something.

He sets down his shoulder bag on the entryway table and sets out towards the kitchen with his Great Dane in tow.

When he sees you, leaning over the pot curiously with your face practically shoved into the hot metal, he smirks. Leaning against the wall, he folds his arms to take in this moment.

You have your hand wrapped protectively over your seven month bump and you're in a black one shoulder dress that screams expensive.

Goddamn. He's lucky as fuck.

"Hey beautiful," he calls out, hoping not to scare you.

You still screech, grabbing the metal spoon beside you as a weapon and he simply snorts at the sight.

"Very menacing," he teases, striding over and planting a gentle kiss to your lips.

You giggle softly, setting down the spoon and leaning back against the counter so he can rub your belly like always.

"How's my boy?" he inquires, looking down into the large pot. "Jesus Christ, what the hell are you trying to make? A bomb?"

You guffaw, folding your arms. "Chicken Cacciatore. Your son would probably like it."

"Doubt it," he murmurs, pulling the pot off the flame and into the sink, "I told you I was going to cook for you when I got home."

"Well, I wanted to surprise you on your first day of classes!"

"That's very sweet of you, baby. And I appreciate the gesture but let me take care of things like this. You worry about my boy. Go sit down, your ankles must be swollen," he orders, kissing your temple and grabbing a side towel to sling over his shoulder.

"Fine," you grumble, making your way around the open marble kitchen to sit at the bar in front of him.

Guk opens the fridge, expertly grabbing ingredients without hesitation.

"How was your first day?" you inquire happily, rubbing your belly in soothing motions.

Once Guk grabs the sharp kitchen knife, he widens his eyes and slams it down. "You're never gonna believe what happened!"

You tilt your head curiously, leaning forward on your elbows already enthralled by his words. "Tell me, tell me!"

"Well, one, I'm brilliant. So Professor Haleford immediately recognized it. He read one of my previous reports on why sand flows through objects like water. He said I have a very expansive mind."

You remember his excitement all those months ago before you got together. You can remember how inquisitive and bright he looked, so you simply nod. "You are brilliant."

He leans across the bar to sweetly boop your nose before going back to his story.

"Then… When I was leaving… I got a call," he hisses, grabbing one of the onions and slamming it down onto the cutting board.

You're hanging onto his every word, the pauses for dramatic effect making you lean closer and closer.

"From who?!" you gasp, putting your fist beneath your chin.

"Tony," he breathes, widening his eyes.

"That asshole from the escort agency?" you ask, tilting your head.

"Yes! The asshole from the agency… he said hi, by the way," he replies, grabbing the knife.

"Hello, asshole," you murmur, leaning closer, "What did he want?"

"At the agency, people need to have applications to become a member. And most of the clients that get in have references from other people. Like your application had Namjoon as a reference, remember?"

You nod once more, back into the enthralling mood like a fly to shit.

"So Tony calls me and tells me that I'm somebody's reference on their application!"

"What?!" you hiss, seeming confused.

"I know! I felt the same way! I was like who the fuck is using me as a reference?! I don't even know anybody!"

When he suddenly slams down the knife again, you widen your eyes curiously.

"Guess who it fucking was," he hisses, looking up at you.

"Uhhh," you breathe, looking around the kitchen and trying to pull a guess out of your ass in hope that you're right.

Guk simply smiles, watching how badly you want to get this right but he knows that it's a long shot for you to guess this. You don't even think about him anymore.

"I-I don't know," you reply sullenly.

"Do you wanna know? Do you want me to tell you?" Guk chuckles, cursing his hand over your cheek.

"Yes! Tell me! I'm literally dying to know!" you whine, stomping your feet against the bottom of the bar stool.

"You're never gonna believe it," he guffaws, waiting an extra moment for dramatic value, "Jasper Hyde."

"WHAT?!" you yell, widening your eyes.

"Mhm," he replies sassily, grabbing the knife again.

"Oh my God, why would he want that? Adi is whore. She'd let him piss on her chest if that's what he wanted."

Your fiance breaks out into a loud laugh, steadying himself on the marble countertop.

"So what did you say?"

"Nothing," he breathes, chopping up the onion.

"Why not?!" you inquire, now placing both closed fists beneath your chin.

"Because, one, I wanted to tell you first. And, two, I am going over the choice."

"There are choices?" you ask, watching his majestic knife work.

"Oh yeah. I'm still not over what he said about you at his wedding. It's like one of those things that I think about right before I go to sleep at night. I always think, 'Damn, I should have punched him in the fucking mouth for even talking about you like that.' Rumination is a pain in my fucking ass sometimes. So I'm thinking about telling Tony to let Jasper in."

You hum in agreement, watching him scrape the onion into a new pot.

"The first escorting gig a client goes to gets photographed, y'know. It didn't happen to us because you ended up not being my client. But someone follows you on your first 'date' as a precaution so that the escort is safe. So if I could get pictures of Jasper and whichever escort he chooses. That'd be premium content right there."

"Diabolical," you chirp, earning his eyes on you.

The wicked smile he gives you makes you snort and you simply lay your head down on the cool marble beneath you.

"Man, I really turned you inside out. That's some shit I would do," you announce with a laugh.

"First I think I'll have Tony call him for an interview. I wanna know what's going on in their little sad marriage."

"Man, we are so fucking nosy," you hiss, looking at your nails.

Jeongguk simply shrugs, grabbing a bell pepper. "It's called research, baby. I'm a college student again. I have to do my due diligence and see my expansive mind's theories to the very best of my ability."

You simply laugh, shaking your head at his ridiculousness.

But then again, you're incredibly curious yourself.

[frownyalfred]

*busts down your doors* HEY! Long ask for ya

okay so I was rereading your fic where EMS showed up because Dick couldn’t flip on the trampoline (rip) and it got me thinking about routine trauma.

So here’s the thing: I am not EMS. I know three people who are EMS, but my extent of EMS experience comes from one (1) ride along and lurking on EMS subreddits. Those guys are a hoot. Great memes. Anyways.

A comment stuck out to me: “You haven’t truly lived the job until you’re eating a gas station burrito next to a dead body”. I’ve seen a bunch like that. Nonchalance and dark humor because well, that’s their job. Gore is the norm. Sure, depending on the area, your usual calls might just be lift assists, but other areas are neck deep in gang violence and violent crime.

A pretty common post on that subreddit is also, sadly, “I just got a call that’s never bothered me before but all of a sudden I’m broken” or “I’ve never had a problem running this type of call before but all of a sudden it just hit me.” Delayed trauma is a bitch. Someone pointed out that if a civilian saw a fatal car accident with multiple corpses, they’d be in therapy and given support and it’d be a huge deal. With EMS, they’re just expected to deal with it. (EMS mental health is getting better- there are helplines and resources and first responder focused therapies- but it’s still a developing field)

ANYWAYS, now that I’ve given you a crash course on the EMS mental health crisis (someone should really write a feature on EMS in Gotham those fuckers would be crazy and I love them already), my point is, how would this apply to the bats? Seeing bodies is treated as very much the norm to them, but do you think it ever just… catches up? The impact of seeing corpses day after day? Do you think they have to fake being fine and tough during those times because well, “everybody else in the family is fine with it, I’m not going to be a liability/burden/weak/etc”

Do you think Bruce, the goddamn batman, who shouldn’t be ruffled by anything, ever just feels something crack inside when he looks at a little boy who could have grown up healthy and strong like his Jason, had (Bruce) someone been there for him? and then he can’t work cases with kids for a week?

This is such an excellent ask, thank you so much for gracing my inbox with it!

It's a very good question. I'm also on a lot of those subreddits (needed to do some research for that fic) and the discussion in those forums and on TikTok is like you described, a kind of practiced desensitization to all gore and suffering in order to survive in their job.

What I've seen from those discussions (and my EMT friend) is an almost sub-conscious trend where they allow themselves the "thing" that breaks them, and they push a lot of that trauma and emotion onto that thing. Like an EMT saying they don't do kids, or they don't do gunshots to the eye, etc. And they'll sob like a baby on those calls, while remaining stone-faced and level-headed through the triple homicide.

I'm just theorizing here, but I imagine the Batfamily uses similar coping skills -- pushing all that trauma and suffering into a box which cracks only under limited, defined circumstances. And they break or snap only under those conditions, because, subconsciously, they allowed themselves to.

So yes, Bruce might be 99% fine with most of the bodies he sees, but there might be a little boy who has a detail (like Jason's dark hair) that just slams into him out of nowhere.

PTSD and trauma literally change the structure of the brain. Individuals react differently to trauma after that, but there does appear to be a "desensitizing" effect with repeated trauma, as the body tries to compensate.

I agree that the Gotham EMTs must be some crazy motherfuckers. They probably deal with 6x the normal shit EMTs deal with in other cities. They probably take on a lot more trauma and burn out quicker than other EMTs, too.

Anyone else have thoughts on this? I admit I don't cover PTSD explicitly in a lot of my fics.

[punkeropercyjackson]

Before i forget again,here's the Flowerghost(Jason Todd and Miles Morales)parallels + They are BROTHERS and Jason's a canon pedophile killer so fuck off if you ship him with canon minors

Black and red-coded

Genius'

Nerdy interests(classical literature for Jason,anime for Miles and video games for both)

Caused great controversy for taking over longheld mantles because of being minorities(Jason poor,Miles afrolatino)but are now widely beloved

Mama's boys and the mom's in question have brown hair and a deep grip on their cultures in a positive way when the writers aren't being ass

Can't flirt but have big rizz

Type in women is woc(Gwen is Miles' only white girl one and to me she acts more black mixed than anything else and imma do my own thing like Miles and say she's canon afrolatina + Jason's never shown interest in white girls fullstop and actively rejected Kory specifically because they deblackified her)

Poor social skills

Very similar sense of humor

The guy they're closest to is a black troubled kid who grew up in a dystopia but only let that make him kind and optimistic,an instigator and a freedom fighter on a team that all share a title(Duke and Hobie).Do not come at me with 'Hobie is Miles' older brother' bs though,that's Jason's job and Hobie is Miles' boygirlfriend

And the other person they're closest to is a black biracial girl with a ghost motif and abusive dad who's also a pastel punk,very sweet and tender but also has anger issues and no hesitance to get brutal in fights and is their counterpart yet also their foil(Stephanie and Gwen + Imma also do my own thing with Stephanie because people think she actually takes pride in being blonde for some reason + This is reverse of the above because i'm a Ghostflower lover and a J*ysteph hater out of reading comprehension)

Eh,i'm gonna say it-They're both afro-caribbean and nonblacks and gringos can't stop me since they love lying about Jason's canon traits but get upset when comics readers tell the truth about him and my take actually makes a lot of sense with him unlike theirs and i've got like every fellow afrolatino DC fan agreeing with me on it anyway

Autistic,adhd and anxiety-coded with trans swag that can be read in any direction

When they were 15,they went to a far off place to find themselves thanks to an important woman in their lives only for it to turn out she was betraying him and this caused a major shift in their narrative-Although Miles was lucky enough to have his be with good intentions while Jason's very much did not

Robin!Jason was a soft ray of sunshine boy like Miles is and Miles G is a goth asshole and a vigilante to cope with trauma like Red Hood!Jason is.He even has green eyes like he does which is very interesting and fitting difference

If we're being specific with Eras:Into=80s Batman,Across=A Death in The Family,Miles G becoming The Prowler=Lost Days,Beyond=Under The Red Hood and Spidey and His Amazing Friends=Wayne Family Adventures(but good)

Not quite the same thing but their animal variants are a cat and a dog so they match

This

[bleue-flora]

https://www.tumblr.com/bleue-flora/754276889628213248/before-becoming-a-ctommy-apologist-im-one-of-the?source=share

ahh intrestingg I never realized that csap, cdream ect would have felt betrayed by ctubbo but that makes a lot of sense, also explains why they burned down his house. Also I really need to watch those sam lore streams because I've only ever seen brief clips of it, do you know how I can find them?

for ur q, I can definietly understand why people hate ctommy both in lore and out. I started enjoying him around the pogtopia to exile era when I saw how he was trying to help cwilbur snap out of it, and I saw these morals that I hadn't noticed in the character before. And, the part where he and cdream were working together in the battle of the lake and he kept insisting that they were friends for once I just found it interesting that the shift went from him despising dream to being open to being allies and friends which that part kind of made me realize that he is open minded.

Then exile came and dear lord I started hated him again at first like I was completely pissed with what happened to cgeorges house and I blamed ctommy entirely and then I noticed cdreams little :) in the whisper chat provoking him so then I kind of shifted to a grey view then my friend pointed out that ctommy tried to stop the fire. During exile itself, I started projecting a lot since abandonment issues is something I got and I did some projection because I cope in a similar way to how he did like using humor as a coping mechanism like also that stream when cwilbur and cquackity were arguing the whole time at las nevadas and ctommy was just acting naive and childlike making dumb jokes to cope with trauma and how cwilbur and cquackity yelling was distressing him. Idk it just hit close to him for me. I think the personality being so inconsistent is also relatable like sometimes very open minded (that one butterfly quote I forgot), sometimes destructive craving war, sometimes craving peace, hyper empathetic, cares about people that hurt him like cwilbur who he wanted revived at one point even though cwilbur manipulated and hurt him. Also, The prison arc like ctommy visiting cdream and rather than showing his fear, he instead just makes stupid jokes and tries to annoy cdream as much as possible. the dick clock joke like. Ik it was cc mucking around but I saw some deep traumatic response there about how ctommy was being annoying to make sure cdream couldn't pull an exile again if that makes sense like if you annoy someone trying to manipulate you then what are they gonna do, it kind of reminds me of spongebob with the strangler. to put it more into perspective, I also rlly like gumball, cuphead and others I forgot... impulsive loud childish characters that have abandonment/validation issues and cause lots of problems. I was a huge trouble maker in the past and the consequences of it were traumatizing [I guess I could have just said that to sum up why I like ctommy 😭]

actually that reminds me that I have ctommy and cdream both on my kin list lol Both of them have fear of abandonment and problems with agency, wanting simpler times and doing bad things for good reasons or even good things for bad reasons, both of them are hated, both of them have strong attachments. my god my writing is a mess can you tell this wasn't preplanned . I hope I explained it well enough

Indeed, and I don’t think they were the only ones who felt betrayed by people like Tubbo joining L’manberg, as I’ve said before I think Punz certainly felt betrayed and left out…. But anyways, here is a playlist with all the streams and there are transcripts online too if you feel so inclined just google dsmp transcripts and the website will pop up.

lol yes you could just say projection. XD That’s always valid. I can hardly argue with that point. That’s what I do after all. ;D And you have the absolute utmost right to feel and project as you want and those are valid reasons for liking a character. (Not that you need valid reasons or anything) No condemnation from me, just to be clear. I appreciate you answering, especially with such honesty. I’m sorry to hear that it’s been so hard for you, that sounds pretty awful and traumatic. I hope, unlike Tommy, you can find real healing. <3 <3

Having said that, because I can’t help myself, even though I asked the question, I hope you don’t mind me poking some holes in your reasoning.

Ahh open minded and friends when it benefits him, after Dream gave him a set of armor and even I think his own bow too. Yeah, fighting an entire army by himself in the Battle of the Lake would be very motivating to be friends and isn’t that how he (they) used Technoblade - as a blade, a resource to get what he (they) wants. - ‘Thanks for the nethrite, big T. Wait did you have an opinion or something this whole time?!’ - yea I’m not sure open minded would be a word I’d choose to describe Tommy is any sense. He certainly doesn’t listen to people, and I don’t see him trying new ideas and stuff. How many times does Tubbo try and keep the peace and tell Tommy something is not a good idea, but he never listens. He doesn’t change his ideology about L‘manberg when teamed up with Techno, he doesn’t even gain a deeper understanding of Techno being a person while sided with him. How can he be open minded?

Yeah the whisper in the chat always throws me off, too. My view is that he wanted Tommy to be exiled for burning down George’s house to protect George and set an example for anyone else who tries to mess with George, and so he wanted Tommy to lash out. But there’s also the thing of Tommy constantly bad mouthing him the whole time so yea it would feel good to have some comeuppance. And how many times has Tommy whispered to someone to rub it in there face or piss them off? But it’s different when it’s Dream huh…

Oh how noble to stop the fire you started. Did he also return the things he stole? Or apologize for the damage he did? Try and fix it? No?… yeah, sure he took the blame for Ranboo, but I think that was the end of his nobleness.

Doesn’t he always joke? Eh not important I guess, he does a lot of sulking too though to be fair… Hyper empathetic is quite a choice of words. Especially because I’m not sure Tommy even feels empathy (but that’s probably a topic for a later time). Like honestly, I can’t think of one instance where he emotionally connects to someone… like heh? He cares about people. - Does he? Does he care about people that hurt him? How bout, Eret? Techno? Does he care about them? Outside of Wilbur, who has he done something for. Or is it just Wilbur, who as you pointed out has manipulated him into a twisted familial relationship.

lol to be fair, Tommy is always annoying, is always telling jokes, is always antagonizing Dream. Like as far as I can tell, when it comes to that behavior I’m pretty sure there was hardly a difference between pre exile mocking Dream and post exile mocking Dream. Just saying…

Umm well depends on the context of that honestly, manipulation is a diverse tool in many situations. Part of the manipulation could even be pushing someone to be annoying like he does in the staged finale for instance. Being annoying isn’t necessarily a deterrent, though it could be to remind himself that he hates Dream in contrast to his feelings in exile so perhaps that’s what you meant.

Yeah, I haven’t seen those shows well I do know the video game cupheads, but I get the idea and you’re not alone in that. I guess perhaps my childhood experience was just different and that’s one of the reasons I don’t get it… in any case, I’m glad you found a good character to project on (it’s very therapeutic) even if I don’t quite get it. XD <3

[yellowjacketslesbian]

What do you think Van's relationship with religion is like, before and after the crash?

hey!! I love this question because I actually have a whole hc for this!!!

pre-crash I hc that Van was raised catholic and went through catechism (with Nat & Laura Lee). I think she partially did confirmation because of family pressure, but also because I think she has always been someone who searches for meaning in the world around her, and I think she looked to the church as a way to find that meaning as a kid because it was all she knew. (I think Van's parents were probably more along the lines non-practicing catholics, and only really went to mass for major holidays, but they still really pushed for her to get confirmed to keep up appearances with extended family).

I think Van left the church sometime in middle school after she fully realized / came to terms with being a lesbian. (I personally hc that Van's dad left when she was 12 or 13 and her mom's issues got worse after, so she also didn't have the same family pressure to stay in the church). however, I believe she still held onto some of the mysticism of the church / saint lore, etc. she grew up with and she more was rejecting an organized religion she knew wouldn't accept her, rather than all of the beliefs (though I don't think she would necessarily admit that to herself).

as far as immediately pre-crash, I think Van probably used humor to cope and deflect from any religious trauma by high school and probably would have described herself as a recovered catholic / atheist, if it ever came up.

I also think having that common background of being raised catholic and rejecting that upbringing was something she bonded over with Taissa pre-crash (it's canon that at least Tai's grandmother was catholic). I can definitely picture them being their sarcastic selves together and making quips back and forth through an entire Christmas Eve midnight mass they both got dragged to.

I also think having that common background adds some additional context to their fight in the attic in S1E10. like if rejecting religion and supernatural explanations for the world around them, is something they bonded over, there's an added layer there when Van suddenly believes in this supernatural thing and Taissa is still firmly an atheist.

(I could write a whole thesis separate thesis here on why it makes so sense that Van believed so fervently in the supernatural element and embraced the cult practices as a way to make sense of that terrifying time in the wilderness, assuming a catholic upbringing. tldr: in my personal experience, it's fairly common for people who have dealt with specifically catholic religious trauma to be more susceptible to that type of influence because of the beliefs we were raised with).

anyway, post-crash I think Van struggled a lot to cope with the things they did in the wilderness and kind of just completely shut off all belief in anything instead of actually facing what they did. I also think she's going to go back to her belief in the wilderness after being cured of cancer in S3 because she never actually worked through any of her trauma, and therefore, is still very susceptible to falling back into that acolyte role.

also, if the crash never happened, I think Van would've been the type of recovered catholic who gets into like spirituality as a way to make sense of the world (tarot cards, astrology, etc.)

tldr: I think Van was raised catholic but is an atheist both pre and post-crash

[ffxv-chocoheadcanons]

2024 Wumptober Masterlist

So, I'm not fuckn dead… Just i have been so sick and away from everything, i was okay for a while and drifted away because i thought i had a health relationship, sadly it all fell apart and over 4 years with them the kicked me out and i'm back at 0, so to cope im going to spiral back down into fanfiction for a escape

So i guess i'm back for a while until i disappear off the face of the earth again in like a month idk, i have a bad habit of this shit

Anyway i really love Whumptober, so i'm going to start late on this and spiral down, as yall know i love my Poly bros x reader, so we are gonna have a Poly bro x Reader and MAYBE i may slip my specialty into it of my Omegaverse cause why? Cause im a simp, and im lame, i am a SUCKER for ABO soooo, hang on and lets gooooo!

Note: i might be adding some humor, idk im just following the prompts, im just suprised and happy im doing this.

1- Race Against The Clock - Panic Attack

2- Trust Issues - Friendly Fire

3- Set up for Sailure - Wrongfully Arrested

4- Hallucinations - Hypnosis

5- Sunburn - Heatstroke/Healing Salve

6- Not Realizing They're Injuried - Adrenaline

7- Only for Emergencies - Magic with a Cost

8- Sleep Deprivation - Forced to stay awake/Time loop

9- Obsession - IDK Yet work with me here

10- Blow to the Head - Slurred words/Passing out from pain

11- Seeing Double - Venom

12- Starvation - Underground Caverns

13- Team as a Family - Shivering

14- Left for dead

15- Childhood Trauma

16- Wound Cleaning

17- Nowhere Else to go - Ruined Map

18- Revenge - Bait

19- Blood Trail

20- Emotinal Angst

21- Spirit Possession

22- Bleeding Through Bandages

23- Forced Choice

24- Collapsed Building

25- Surgery - Stitches

26- Nightmares

27- Voiceless - Muzzles

28- Denial

28- Fatigue - Burnout

30-Rocovery

31- Help

Right now im making a massive google doc of all of these and my goal is to upload them as the days go so i got to catch up on 13-14 days, wish me luck as of when i am posting this

[something-pithy]

Notes and an Update: Astarion, Tav, and Trauma in Stories

Pictured above: actual footage of trauma response from Astarion (j/k! kinda!) to catch your eye :D

Hey glittercats and cosmic kittens!

So I've definitely been neglecting the updates here, which I'm going to try to do better with.

We're up to Chapter 11 on this bad boy, and I've adjusted the anticipated chapter count to 30 (but honestly it's probably still all lies because I have absolutely no sense of how much writing each point on my outline ends up being loool).

I have a DOPE beta who's fucking amazing both in terms of conventions and idea partnership and I'm telling you right now, this story is so much better for having their hands and eyes on it.

SOME CONTENT WARNING STUFF RE: THIS CHAPTER:

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

.

.

.

MORE DETAILS ON THIS -- SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So hopefully that's enough room for people who don't want to be spoiled to escape!

So I'm going to copy/paste the end note on the story, and expand on it a little bit.

So, although Tav is a "good drunk," as Frank Gallagher might put it, she is 1000% engaging in pretty serious substance abuse, or to be more specific in this chapter, alcohol use disorder. I'm not going to go into the way this story is going to approach mental and behavioral health disorders and trauma; hopefully it will speak for itself. Suffice it to say substance abuse and trauma are not the central subject of this story, but also, Astarion and Tav as they exist in this little pocket dimension of the BG3 universe have been impacted by the trauma they've each experienced both together and as individuals. In general, the impact of trauma can look and feel a lot of ways. Sometimes it's horrifying, sometimes it's heartbreaking, sometimes it's rage-inducing - but let's be honest, sometimes that shit is funny, too, because humor is such an incredible survival tactic / coping mechanism. Even if sometimes we're laughing at shit that shouldn't be funny. (Maybe especially then.) This story isn't going to be an after-school special or a PSA. It's a story about people, and sometimes people are fucked up (literally and figuratively). Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. If this has activated you, or you have earnest questions or concerns about what's going on in this story / with these characters, or you just want to shoot the shit, hit me up on my tumblr. There might be more notes there on this eventually, but for now, this chapter actually took a lot out of me and I'm still out here with these perpetual COVID symptoms, so... lol NOT TONIGHT. As always, thank y'all for reading, kudosing, and commenting.

OK, so I may have lied about the no notes part... but honestly, in re-reading that note, I think it kind of gets to the point.

But ALSO...

I've been a geek on the internet for a long, long time. I've engaged with different fan-based writing and roleplaying communities (tabletop, chat-based, forum-based, butt-based -- EVERYTHING) for pretty much the entire time.

"The Tragic Backstory" seems like it's been A Whole Thing since people started creating characters whether for roleplay or stories.

I think times have changed somewhat, but back in the day I ran in circles where a lot of thoughts about writing, creating characters, roleplay, etc. coexisted somewhat peacefully, but an old chestnut that consistently (maybe without fail) turned up in any conversation that involved Writers of Quality was a contingent of folks who had deep disdain for The Tragic Backstory.

I'm talkin' some deep, scathing, elitist shit, my beautiful people.

And I'm not gonna lie to you! This is approximately ten thousand years ago (no but seriously, decades), and honestly, I was up in those conversations, too, throwing around my disdain, assured by my fellow elitists that even though I frequently employed some form of Tragic Backstory, it was OK when I did it because it was good.

I mean in retrospect, it's kinda bullshit. There's always gonna somebody who's gonna think your shit's good, and there's also always gonna be somebody who thinks they're a Better Writer Than You who's gonna think your shit is... well, shit.

Not gonna lie, I still have very strong and particular preferences when it comes to the fic I read in general, and that includes backstory.

But over time, I got progressively less insecure (not just about my writing, but in general) and consequently less concerned with judging writing that's not my flavor as "bad" or "shitty" or "juvenile" (looool seriously, I was a dick) and more concerned with finding and creating writing that is my flavor.

However, and I don't think I'm going to apologize for it, some dickish tendencies linger in my soul. I'm going to try and frame these thoughts in terms of what compels me in a story I'm reading and what I do (or try to do) in my own writing.

This is a very long way of saying if something I say (or have already said) makes you feel like I'm coming for your neck, please know that I'm not.

My thoughts and/or opinions may cause you or someone you love to feel Some Type of Way. That is not my intention. I have no desire to:

Yuck anyone's yum

Contribute to or activate the crippling self-doubt that plagues almost every creative I've ever met

Be a dick.

Having said all that, I do have Thoughts on This Matter.

People write for a lot of reasons, but I'm fairly convinced that nobody's doing it with any level of purity. There are tons of incredible, beautiful, moving stories that feature a whole-ass Self-Insert, maybe even the dreaded Mary Sue.

(lol lookin' at you Dante's Inferno, Tyrion Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire, and countless others lol)

People write to explore topics and themes that interest them, that compel them, that they see recurring in the world around them and/or their own lives.

One of those things is trauma.

In my writing, I approach trauma, disordered behaviors, dysfunction, dysregulated emotions, etc. (topics both of great interest to me and, not coincidentally, ones with which I have a great deal of personal experience) from a place of wanting fervently to tell the truth.

And I'm pretty good writing some things that feel true.

But I know that in some ways, I've shied away from harder truths; from using my writing and the characters I create not only as reflections of what I see in the world, but as accurate (rather than idealized) reflections of myself.

Because of this, while I've explored redemption arcs in roleplaying games (where being cheesy or facile or juvenile or fulfilling personal fantasies felt much safer than on a page), I've skirted neatly around it, I think, in my writing (for the most part). Because I absolutely was the girl who wanted to "save" or "fix" the wounded (and emotionally unavailable, and/or abusive, and/or toxic) lover. I wanted stories about it. I wanted to roll around in that narrative, bathe in it, eat it up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

All while occupying the role/perspective of The Good One / The Good Girl whether in a game or in a story I was consuming.

But it's not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least. Not for me, anyway.

My admiration, respect, regard, and all the other good words for the writing and acting in Baldur's Gate 3 cannot be overstated. Each of the "origin" characters (and honestly, any character "Tav" has the opportunity to even have a conversation with, much less spend a significant amount of time with) is thoughtfully and truthfully written. I see this more in some than others, but that depth and breadth of understanding about human beings -- sorry, sentient beings -- shows up all over the place and honestly I almost can't stand how much I love it.

I'm not going to say that there's no character I feel this as deeply with as Astarion, but... idk, sometimes.

But there's no need to quantify this. Astarion is one of a number of characters from the game that I'm low-key obsessed with.

As such, when I decided to take on the story outcome in which, in my opinion, he throws all the growth, all the processing, all the truth and reconciliation I saw him moving toward in the game into a fucking woodchipper, I did not want it to be easy.

I get wanting it to be easy, and there are delicious, delicious fics out there that go this route. I think anybody who writes Ascendant Astarion at least flirts with it.

And it's not a binary; it's not either, "OMG this is completely uncomplicated, I love you I'm your spawn and it's just like if you hadn't ascended except your SUPER EXTRA POWERFUL AND SEXY AND HOT AND WHOOPS THERE GO MY PANTIES" (which, tbh... lool I'm not mad at) or "ASTARION IS IRREDEEMABLE LET ME WRITE OF HIS TRAGIC DEMISE AND TAV'S TRAGIC WITNESS TO IT / ENGINEERING OF IT." Which I'm ALSO not mad at, because THOSE THINGS CAN BE TRUE.

But while I'm subscribed to some stories that follow those paths or ones like them, and when I get that notification it's time to STOP THE PRESSES bc mama needs to READ, for me the challenge of this is if I'm going to continue Astarion and Tav's love story (or rekindle it lol), I want to honor the four years of intense character work Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney and honestly the whole goddamn BG3 team from soup to nuts have done by considering "What would really happen here" as brutally as possible.

Komo, my incredible thought partner-cum-beta, can tell you about the pages of back and forth between us about "fml, how can we make this story work and maintain fidelity to the integrity* of these characters???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

*not personal integrity -- meta shit. The integrity of their arcs, development, personalities, histories, traumas, etc.

SO. Back to trauma.

I said in my end note for chapter 11 that this story is not an after-school special (which looool probably at least some of you are like wtf are you talking about my dude and I'm like looooool omg life before kids were a whole target demographic unto themselves - kind of lol) or a PSA.

Which alludes to the fact that YES, I want to tell the truth about the ugliness of this relationship and the individuals in it with nuance and empathy and sensitivity; that I want to write about the pain and harm and longing and ache and all of it in ways that are neither hyperbolic nor diminishing.

But also, look, my darling motherfuckers, my comrades in fuckery, whoever's made it this far into this rambling monster of a -- whatever the fuck this is lool -- PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAUMA ALSO HAVE FUN.

SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE ENGAGING IN BEHAVIORS THAT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO THEMSELVES AND/OR OTHERS.

I don't think I've sufficiently unpacked this part to dig down much deeper into it, but what I will say is that this is not going to be a passion play about Poor Tav or Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay? or anything else.

What this is going to be (or at least, what I passionately want it to be) is -- framed with a delicious little fake-dating muffin of an emotional MacGuffin -- a portrait of some people in all (or lordt jebus please let me achieve at least MOST) of their complexity.

ALL OF IT.

Lordt Baby Jebus, Allah, Milal, Great Spaghetti Monster, ANYBODY

(not Lolth lol)

hear my prayer!

Aight, that's all I've got for today. <3

If you made it this far, PM me and tell me something you want to see in the story! I'll make you a treat.

And if it don't fit in the story, I might be able to make a li'l drabble happen.

COMING SOON to Writing Notes Storytime:

Identity in this story and in stories in general

The Good, the Bad, and the Neutral: Alignment and Astarion (and some other ppl, too!) in BG3, DnD, and This Story lol

Stuff I'm forgetting bc I'm STILL not over this never-ending COVID fuckery

[macawritesupdates]

Have you ever read Gideon the ninth? I'm reading it for the first time, and for some reason, the relationship between the two main characters reminds me so much of your sukuita. Like damn if harrow was tall and buff with a big ass she and sukuna could be mistaken for twins they're both emotionally repressed super powerful nerds who love decorating with bones. They're both obsessed with and paired up with a slightly horny charismatic jock with so much repressed trauma and kicked puppy energy, which drives them to become badass as they cope with the horrors through humor. The jock in question is also completely unwilling to bow and kiss their partners ass despite differing power levels and social standing, they take no shit and give as good as they get. I think that this might just be the greatest relationship dynamic of all time. I am eating up your fics and gtn. I really just love the way you write sukuita. I could read a thousand fics with the two of them and not get bored if you were the author. You're so good at writing them as complicated people while still keeping them funny. They're so human. I really love how you bring them to life they never feel like cardboard cut outs or dolls in any of your fics you always give them so much depth that it feels like they both have a rich internal life. I also love how that same rich internal life complicates things for them they aren't perfect people who have mastered therapy speak they're very fucked up emotionally but that's what makes them interesting and loveable. I am always rooting for them to learn to understand themselves and each other better by the end of the fic and I love the growth they have to go through to get there. The way you write sex is also good but the moments that gut me are all the little interpersonal things like In historically inaccurate when yuuji realized that the sukuna of the past was able to thrive in their relationship because yuuji was the one to take the lead and show him how oof that was devastatingly beautiful to me. Anyway, that turned into a longer ramble than I had intended, and if I don't cut myself off I'll be here all day typing out my favorite parts of your writing haha.

I have not read that novel but it sounds interesting c: I haven't had as much time to read as I used to which is a major regret of mine ; w ; Usually when I'm reading, it is mostly research things, like write now reading about world history and politics 83;;

But I'm really glad and honored you like how I write! I LOVE to write and have been writing stories since I was a small thing, especially in fandoms! I just like to speculate about characters and step into them for a bit and I've really enjoyed my time writing JJK fanfic <3

I think what has helped my writing is that I LOVE to RP. When I get a good RP partner, I love to play with angst and fluff and one of my core ideas of RP is no character is perfect and every character has their form of baggage. Yuuji and Sukuna individually have so much to explore, same with Megumi and Nobara, just things I don't think the canon will ever let us get into, so gives us fanfic writers room to explore so much <3

Again, thank you for the comment, I was very touched reading it ; w ;

[emsprovisions]

gus!!

Send me a character

character: GUS GUS GUSSSS!!!! I love him so so so so much he is my PRECIOUS

ship with: Matt hehehehe <3

brotp: Hunter, Willow, Vee, and Luz

general opinions: Where do I begin? Gus is perfect (end of essay 😂). I will admit he wasn't my favorite character from the show until about last October, after TTT aired, but he definitely is now. He's just so damn cool. Like, you have this 12/13 year old hanging out with people 1-3 years older than him and he not only holds his own but he's the coolest fucking 13 year old I've ever seen. He's so so smart and powerful, he's mature, and he is way way more than just the comic relief or whatever stale takes I've seen about Gus online. There's nothing wrong with being funny, and there's nothing wrong with using humor to cope with trauma. He's still a young kid going through puberty, and being stuck in the human realm (when it's been his dream to see the human realm) hits him the hardest out of everyone. But people take that scene and really infantilize him over it. He's a single child with a single dad, which makes him a lot like Luz in a way (and I bet they have some shared traumas they can absolutely bond over with losing a parent), but just because he's dependent on his dad and missing him does not make him a small, weak child. He's a kid, yeah, but he's a damn tough kid, and if you're sad, you can bet your ass he will be the first one to try and make you smile. If WAD doesn't have a gus-centric focus y'all will see me on the news! also only Gus would be able to train matty let's be real here LMAO but I love Gus so much and I think he's very relatable to us former-gifted kids, who always felt pressure to surpass everyone's expectations of our skills in school. He has an incredible support system in place with Willow and Hunter, I love their dynamic so much, he really deserves friends like them and Matt!! Because, while yes I do ship Gus with Matt, I hc that they build up such a strong and solid friendship first, which is how any great relationship should be :) Anyways yeah, Augustus Porter is awesome <3

blog rate: 100000/10

[hebimoonlightwrites]

heyho~! sry for going anon, but i really love your writing and ive been following you for a while but i also wanted a way to support you so here i go!!

i was thinking a bit (a lot) about who to request for cause i dont really have a favorite in hypmic… lets ignore the fact that ive been a crazy hypster for 4 years! anyways, i was wondering if you could pick a character for me based on some info about me? think of it as like one of those “which character from __ would be your s/o” except this time youre making the decision! sorry for being so indecisive dbdbcbejd but it would make me really happy if you had fun while writing this, if even a little! (btw if you cant/dont want to deal w/ this rq, dw!! and also sry for any spelling errors TT)

she/her pronouns! angst to fluff preference, s/o relationship!

some tidbits about me: i enjoy singing a lot! i also voice act a little, mostly for rhythm game fandoms! im a member of a professional choir part time, and i sing vocaloid songs a lot mostly when im alone! i hate singing too loudly though, especially in front of other people. i have a social anxiety disorder, which makes it hard to do a lot of things, im quite open, cheery, and light/soft hearted if you get to know me, and a bit of an airhead i have to admit- but i really do care for others even if it doesnt seem like it. very quiet in front of people i dont know well, and i come off as a bit gloomy and harsh to people im not familiar with, so i dont have many friends or people im close to at all. love/hate relationship w/ the idea of “love”, since i didnt really grow up around people who expressed that at all. but id be a very compassionate and dedicated lover. a bit hesitant for physical contact due to trauma and ptsd. only fine around people i can really trust. still a bit hesitant though, sometimed it triggers bad trauma. i dont like talking about family stuff since it was sorta abusive and not pleasant. i really enjoy vocaloid and utauloid, and cute j pop w/ mesmerizing dark backstories. i dress in mostly oversized vests/sweaters, in an attempt to make my frame seem smaller. some of my other intrests are: psychological horror games, pokemon, animanga, hypmic, enstars, milgram, given, sasaki to miyano, sanrio, etc etc :D i really like astrology and reincarnation stuff a lot! i can read people’s thoughts easily, which is kinda a pro/con alike. my sense of humor is… limited? i usually dont really show my feelings to other people. i lash out quite a lot… i really like soft plushies, stickers, sleeping, and sweet stuff! bubble waffles, taiyaki, hard milk candy, ice cream, konpeito, to name a few! i loveee stars, and hearts too! if im not listening to music or sleeping, im probably spaced out somewhere! i really like people who arent afraid to approach me, rather id be delighted if anyone came and just said a simple hi! people who can look past my quiet demeanor and can help me cope w/ some of my pain are the best! maybe just someone nice ig?? and someone w/ a lot of empathy! (bonus if they are a good cook cause my cooking… uh…) my favorite animals are cats, otters, foxes, anything cute! some characters i kin from various fandoms are: ramuda, hifumi, yuno kashiki, chuuya nakahara, mafuyu asahina, mika kagehira, ai hoshino, etc! i really like the colors pink, red, purple, and black! i want someone who can just tell me that i will be loved, and im important!!!! i think? not even sure if im capable of loving someone even- hehe just a silly thought though

thank you so much hebi!!

sending lots of love and stars your way!!

-neru

also i forgot to add this but, i HATE bugs. kinda scared of them too. especially the small ones. btw gl on exams hebi!! -neru

Writer's corner: Hi, sweetheart! Of course I can do something like this! You're the first one requesting about it, so I'm sorry if there's something you maybe don't like! (feel free to tell me and correct me!♥) Also, you really seem a nice person, actually!! Feel free to text me each time you want to, dear!!♥ I'm going to develop this like a kind of description and explanation of the reason why I chose that character, okay? Of course, feel free to tell me if there's something you want me to fix! Plus, if there's something that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry! It's not my intention, dear♥ qwq

Warnings: So sorry! It's the first time someone requests me something like this! So sorry if it's bad qwq♥

⭐𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐘𝐏𝐌𝐈𝐂 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬/𝐨⭐

As I got the information about you, I immediately understood what kind of precious person you are..

⭐First of all, I got the idea that you are that kind of woman (maybe girl? idk, but I prefer using "woman" in general, since I don't know if you're younger or older qwq) who prefers to get lost in her own world, in those things and thoughts that are able to make her happier! You seem that kind of woman who seems a bad one, but who is actually compassionate and selfishless! You say that you're harsh towards the others, but I think you are so, not because you're a bad person, but because you are afraid instead-- Yes, afraid that someone could hurt you in any way!

⭐You said that you have some traumas, and well.. then it's because you went through so much pain that you're afraid of showing your true self! Because I seriously think that other people are sure that what they see is your true self when it's actually a kind of mask- oh better, an armor- you're using to protect yourself! You're both a strong and weak woman: you've gone through a lot of pain but you are still keeping going on!♥ You only told me that you like to sing and to voice act, but I bet that you do those things perfectly and that you're very talented! Maybe even the greatest singer among the choir!!

⭐In short, you immediately gave me some BusterBros!!! or Bad Ass Temple vibes, since you even mentioned your being otaku and your love for astrological things and reincarnation! Plus, the fact that you love plushies a lot and that you are very capable to understand people around you deeply and easily, well.. You're literally someone I'd ship with one boy among BusterBros or Bad Ass Temple!

⭐But to be sure to choose the perfect one for you, I really need to focus more on what you'd like to have in a relationship... ...also I don't really know about your age, so... I'm imagining you're like... 20-25..

But what do you want in a relationship?- You told me you'd like to have someone who can understand you, who can let you cope when you need to get out of your chest that pain you've inside.. and someone who can cook!!

---->If we take a look at all the BusterBros and Bad Ass Temple boys.. well:

⭐Jiro: I don't think he can actually cook and he also doesn't like horror stuff (while you said you like horror and psychological games). But he's well-versed in anime due to Ichiro, soo... I guess you could get along well with him anyway!

⭐Saburo: I mean.. he would agree with you about the pda fact and about the family one.. But he would really be a good gamer/friend! I can picture you both playing video-games.. I don't know, though, if he likes horror ones.. but he likes fantasy ones for sure! In any way, I don't really know how good he could be at comforting you! Maybe he'd be the best, since he also looks kind of harsh and unfriendly while he's actually a kind boy...-

⭐Kuko: Literally the best to talk to about your passion for reincarnation stuff! I'm also sure he would comfort you and even let you cope, but after that he would even fill you with Buddhist moralistic sentences and would try his best to give you some advices as well.. BUT he doesn't seem the one who can cook-----

⭐Jyushi: I mean.. you could be his sister actually in my opinion! You like plushies, just like him. You are introverted and went through pain just like he did.. You like astrological things just like he does! I mean.. You're exactly the same! But.. Sorry, Jyushi.. I don't think you would be able to fully comfort Neru when she needs it! Jyushi would literally start crying or make the situation sadder somehow in my opinion, and you literally need someone who can cheer you up and remind you that you're amazing and worth it- not someone who makes you feel even sadder! (sorry, Jyushi- qwq♥)

⭐Hitoya: He's another one who could actually be perfect for you, in my opinion! I mean.. he's a kind-hearted man who lives for justice! I bet he would fight against your "enemies" and do his best to make you feel appreciated and loved. Also I'm sure he'd be happy to listen to you when you need, and he would be great at comforting you, but.. I mean.. it depends on your age, sweetheart! qwq♥

I know it could sound basic, but...

Ichiro would be the best in my opinion!

⭐We're literally talking about a young man who's working hard each day at the Odd Jobs Yamada only to keep letting his brothers go on studying! If we think about it, it's really generous, actually! Ichiro is literally the one supporting not only himself and his own economical needs, but even his brother's ones and the apartment they all live in!!!

⭐The perfect boyfriend and husband, in my opinion!

⭐Also, he's kind-hearted! I'm sure he wouldn't mind listening to you while you're coping and letting all your pain out of your chest. He would definitely stop doing whatever he is doing only to get to you and comfort you! I'm 100% sure that he would also tell you something like: "Cry if you need to, love.." and would also be capable of turning around if you prefer to cry alone, without showing him.

⭐Otherwise, if you ask him to comfort you by hugging you, he would do it without any hesitation! On the other hand, he would respect your time and would avoid to get some PDA if you preferred not to get it!

⭐You could also play some games together or even read mangas too!

⭐I bet he would also cook your favourite dishes and sweets as well, maybe even teaching you how to cook! I'm 100% that Ichiro would also support you and tell you that your cooking is not that bad!

⭐He'd be there each time you feel like you need to remember that you're an amazing and valuable woman!

⭐"Hey, Neru! You can be yourself while you are around me! Stop being afraid of messing things up! You're amazing just the way you are!"♥

TOP 3 characters, results:

⭐1- Ichiro

⭐2-Hitoya

⭐3-Kuko

©hebimoonlightwrites_tumblr Please, do not copy my contents nor repost it without my permission.

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Tag Game Thing

ayyyye another one (but not one from when I was drifting in the timeless void of Conceptually Tuesday), got tagged by @chthonicsiren , gonna tag @melthedwarf because I can >:) (edit: tagged the wrong person first cuz tumblr autofilled the url, sorry!)

1: Are you named after anyone? Yes! My birth name/not-quite-deadname is a tribute to my ma's maiden name. Without saying what either are, I'll just say that her maiden name followed a patronymic format (ex: Johnson), and my birth name is one of the feminine variants/related named (ex: Johanna?). My chosen name, Jordan Van Daalen, is a fun one! My friend and I were in drama class together, and were paired up for an assignment where we had to write a short script (we were given random phrases to start and end the scene with). We're both Huge Fucking Nerds, so we went Overboard, basically fleshing out both of our characters (and then we napped on each other). Jordan Van Daalen was what a random name generator gave me for my character. Less than a year later I realized I am some sort of non-binary, and decided to use that lil name as my future name, as well as eventual pen name :D

2: When was the last time you cried? Uh. Okay, so, like... sometimes when I'm really tired but can't sleep, I'll start improvising a little song? Just, like, whisper singing to myself? And it usually ends up being an emotional ballad about old traumas (or, you know, stuff from whatever media I've been binging)? also when I yawn my eyes water a tiny bit? so what I'm saying is that every time I can't sleep and end up singing dumb little songs, I end up crying. how often does that happen, you ask? well, buddy, I picked this url for a good reason. (it was probably yesterday)

3:Do you have kids? Does being the oldest in the friend group (and also being the dad friend) count? because I am the Father of some of these gremlins. no? oh. well, I am going to an auncle/ent soon, so that's close enough :D

4: Do you use sarcasm a lot? Depends on my mood? I'm less sarcastic than my brother, but definitely more sarcastic than either of my parents. I know that means nothing to any of you, but hey, that's my answer.

5: What's the first thing you notice about people? Uhhhhhhh if they give off gay vibes asdfghjkl; Honestly it varies, which I feel like is a given? I look for things that stand out- colored hair, piercings, if they have any jewelry, etc.

6: What color are your eyes? Okay, well, my ID says hazel, I used to describe it as "hazel green/green hazel", and I think a poet might describe my eyes as something like "sea foam green around sandy brown". However, a Certified Dick could just as easily call my eyes "snot green with a pinch of yellow". Could also just shrug and go "muddy green?". except in some lightings the "green" part seems like it might be vaguely blue, and I have been slowly driving myself insane trying to figure out a consistent color palette I can use when drawing self portraits/inserts because I can't get a decent pic of my eye to use a reference and I'm too awkward to ask someone (with less shaky hands) to do it for me. anyway, I spent ten minutes drawing what is arguably the best attempt I've ever made at making an accurate portrayal of my eye color:

7: Scary movies or happy endings? Generally speaking I prefer happy endings, but it feels weird to separate that from scary movies. However, I don't tend to watch many genuinely scary movies? I like horror comedies. I also very much enjoy watching shitty/low quality horror movies and roasting the fuck out of 'em. Humor is part of how I cope with actual scary movies/games too, though. That and pretending to try and scare the monsters :3 running through the scary dark hallway going "a-boogily-boogily-boo!" and rapidly snapping the camera from side to side like I'm jumping out at people. the monster goes rawr? I SAY IT LOUDER

8: Any special talents? I mean, I think most folks who follow me on here know that I've got a bit of talent in several types of art/creativity (music and writing are probably my big two)? But I can also beatbox a little, my arms are weirdly flexible (possible double-jointed at the shoulders?), and I am surprisingly good at picking things up/throwing them with my feet. That last one is 50% for throwing dog toys and 50% for picking up small things I dropped when I don't want to bend over. Weird? Yes. A talent? Probably not.

9: Where were you born? I think I was born in Seattle, WA, USA. It was definitely in the Seattle area, it just might have technically been a neighboring city.

10: What are your hobbies? Other than the aforementioned artsy shit, I play a lot of video games, in a variety of genres. My favorites are probably the Mass Effect series, Fallout: New Vegas, Persona 5: Royal, Horizon: Zero Dawn, and Spider-Man PS4. I need you to know how difficult it was for me to not list over a dozen games. Please understand. THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD GAMES FUCK. Also, idk if it super counts as a hobby in other people's minds, but I love LEGOs! My room is filled with them :D

11: Have you any pets? None that are, like, fully legally mine. My household has a dog, Bella, but I am unfortunately her least favorite. She loves letting me give her chin scritches first thing in the morning though :')

12: What sports do you play/have you played? KENDO, BITCHES. GET SMACKED WITH BAMBOO

13: How tall are you? Soooooo tall. Massive. Giant. A true, genuine image of a Viking Warrior.. ... ..... in other words I'm 5 feet and 3.5 inches. the .5 is incredibly important to me. On a good day with boots I can almost pass off as 5'5" tho, soooooo. I'm also built like a shit brickhouse (yes I know that's not the correct saying), so at least tall people can't throw me (I throw them)

14: Favorite subject in school? Three-way tie between English/Language Arts, Drama/Theatre, and Art class!

15: Dream job? Writer, artist, all around generally a Professional Nuisance. Maybe taking the place of a forgotten, half-dead God at a lonely shrine, slowly restoring it until it's something worth remembering, eagerly having unforgettable conversations with the rare passerby, never gaining enough fame or worship to have any real power over the world. Just enough to be a face that lingers in your memories, in your dreams, the little voice you hear when you need it most.

[antiadvil]

what's childhood trauma au?

WIPs

So I think I’ve talked about the background of the idea here but not much about what the fic actually is. I’m trying to be mysterious because all I have is an outline and like 400 words and I don’t want to disappoint people by never finishing/publishing it. But I'll talk a bit about the premise and maybe share something from the outline.

the backstory is that my best friend did not remember having any friends growing up until her parents revealed that one of their neighbor kids came over a lot, and her parents found it annoying so they starting telling the other parents that my friend was grounded and couldn't play. Because it was more convenient for them if she was playing quietly alone in her room, I guess. Which, I don’t think I need to say, is incredibly fucked up. After her parents told this story, she remembered some bits and pieces of this, but before her parents brought it up again the entire memory was sort of repressed.

And here is where I’m going to clarify that I’m writing all this with my friend’s full permission bc it sounds kinda fucked up to jump from that to “anyway so now I’m writing a fic about that” 😭 we both have similar attitudes towards most of our trauma which is: humor and fic are really good coping mechanisms actually. So I thought she might enjoy a fic based on this premise (I was already planning to write something incredibly specifically tailored to her tastes for her birthday and it’s hard to get more tailored than this) but because it is a pretty intensive project to just drop on someone I asked if she thought it would be a good idea and she said “yeah you have to write that the author’s note would be so funny.” So here I am though admittedly I think this is too big of a project to actually complete by September and I may need a different idea for this year’s birthday, unless I start posting before I finish which I’m meh on since the outline could still change (but I’ll see how things go once I finish my hospital fic and start focusing more on this).

So, yeah, it’s a fic where Dan and Phil are childhood friends, Dan’s parents drive Phil away, Dan represses the memory, so he doesn’t actually remember Phil as anyone other than that neighbor kid, while Phil remembers being friends and then Dan just suddenly not being there, and Phil assumes it was Dan voluntarily pulling away. The story follows them reuniting in high school.

As you can probably imagine, this wasn’t a one off thing. Dan’s parents just suck. There are a lot of weird fucked up things my parents did to me as a child that I didn’t realize were weird and fucked up until I talked to other people about it. There were many other things I did know were weird and fucked up. Living in that household caused me severe mental health issues, and I still have minor siblings who live with my parents. So, yeah, mainly this fic is about that. I literally made a list of fucked up stories from my childhood and gave them to fictional Dan. Not all of the things that happened in this fic actually happened to me (and a lot of the ones that did are exaggerated in some way) but many did.

I don't have much writing done yet (400 words is an overstatement actually) but I do have it fully outlined, here are some fun notes from my outline document (mostly actually funny even though the piece is actually very angsty because out of context none of the angst makes sense/is angsty/i wrote it in a way that sounds funny even though it is not):

phil has a friend group. they will need names.

lots of chances for gay trauma in gym class. as a treat for my hyperfixation brain i’m going to let them take a weightlifting class. phil seems like the kind of student to leave his PE credit for his senior year and need it to graduate

and finally this incredible dialogue exchange in my notes:

phil: so like do you wanna do that again

dan: RIGHT NOW?

phil: no wtf i’m trying to have a conversation about our relationship smh

(The conversation is extremely minimal)

[punkeropercyjackson]

Tysm for answering!! Also, I forgot to mention when I got called that for asking ppl to not sexualize Percy and Annabeth, this was a few years ago like during Trials of Apollo time, so at that time they were both 17 i believe :/ i completely agree with everything else you said aswell, it's genuinely concerning how normalized sexualization of minor characters is in children's media ESPECIALLY, bc sadly i tend to see this WAY more in children's media than actual media for adults.

(Side note, something also VERY deeply disturbing is that even if there WERE actual adult characters in the PJO fandom, like even if Percy and Annabeth WERE full grown adults, unfortunately u know majority of ppl would still focus on sexualizing minor characters especially those who have gone through trauma like Nico. I won't even talk abt that much bc it makes me genuinely sick to my stomach, but the amount of people I've had to block bc they made or reblogged posts making sexual references and jokes and sometimes outright NSFW about a 15 YEAR OLD (WHOS SUPPOSED TO BE 14 ANYWAY IF RIORDAN DIDN'T MESS UP HIS OWN TIMELINE) is HORRIFIC

FUCKKKKKKKK I KNEW IT(to the Toa part)AND YEAH FR😭😭😭😭Like why does NICO get sexualized most?I know it's because he's gay and people are homophobic turds but LIKE.HE LOOKS AND ACTS SO 14/15 Y'ALL PLEASE IT'S DISGUSTING HOW THE HELL DOES HE TURN YOU ON...........

And for Percy and Annaneth.I don't seek out Annabeth content too often because nobody knows how to fucking get her right but Percy's my fave and jfc the shit i've seen of him??????Idm nsfw humor regarding him since he's a young adult like me but he's EIGHTEEN,the way people do him is so fucking innapropriate??????Sorry not sorry but as a 23 year old i cannot imagine dating someone my dad's age(talking about godsshipping)and enjoying it so why would PERCY WHO'S EVEN YOUNGER????Put your pants back on pls,can this nigga get some legos and blue sweets and an Animal Crossing copy as actual coping mechanisms(the excuse that's always used)????There's been enough Pjo sexualization,let's get some agere up in here

[itgirlwritingsonthewall]

Finding Self-Worth through Belittling

I came a fourth of the way around the world to explore a potential love-interest. What was revealed to me has been anything and everything short of romance. Instead, I found myself stripped of some layers of expectation, entitlement and faced with false identities (my own) that showed up in somewhat subtle, but none-the-less a little cringy ways for me to notice. Long had these personas been there, lingering since my twenties perhaps longer, but they first made their appearance when I set out to re-invent myself when I moved abroad as an ex-pat to Beijing, China.

I discovered when visiting my love interest that this whole false-persona flex was the norm in beijing at the time. I was there circa 2005-7. My intention to go to Beijing was two fold. First and foremost, I wanted to transition from non-profit to for-profit work and I thought this little hiatus would be the perfect resume gap. The second reason was that on my bucket list (at 25) was what I thought was a nearly impossible goal- to live in another country. I studied abroad in Chiba, Japan (an hour an some change outside of Tokyo) my junior year of college- and while I loved the experience, the vast sea of loneliness I experienced probably highlighted my neediness and solidified my desire of closeness to loved ones (friends and family) as my need for connection- emotional, physical etc rose by the day.

Now to the spiritual more deeply personal reasons. I visited Beijing China (as well as 4 other parts of the country) that summer with 18 of my relatives on my mothers side. I felt myself inextricably drawn to Beijing. I felt pulled in by the city, I felt I belonged here for no real reason. This reason I would later find out through many past life healings and regressions would make sense. The only other city that people refer to as really having that pulse and aliveness is New York, where I currently reside. I have never felt this aliveness or this je ne sais quoi about New York, but Beijing- there really was just something about it. Anyway, back to my Berlin adventure.

I met my love interest in Beijing. It was fleeting- I was attracted to his intelligence, sense of humor and his passion for rooftop greenspaces- his vision has stayed with me all these years. Other conversations we had as well spanned into the esoteric and spiritual, and I never really forgot him- but not in that nostalgic way- just a we had a nice connection but it didnt work out because I moved back to the states and we both moved on.

16 years later, he visited me in NYC- connection is still there, so I decide to face my fears, put the possibility of love on one of the front burners- still hedging my bets, but definitely doing a lot more than dipping my toe in the water. I mean, at 43, 45 is just around the corner and theres about as many years behind me as in front of me at this stage in life. Still single, still not looking and this possibility presents itself to me.

So, here I am in Berlin facing my biggest fears. My childhood traumas, still alive, my illusions and behaviors to cope with my past still as active as the day they were created- ready and on stand by to insert themselves should my core-identities and world views be threatened by contrary information. My inner world view too fragile to sustain a slight crack - lest that crack become a sliver that develops into a micro-canyon and implodes my sense of self. So what is this world view, what are these identities that have held be prisoner for all these years.

The first has to do with how little I think of myself. I thought I had dealt with this previously. But sometimes, we don't get what we want, we get where we are. How we are being treated by others (esp in romantic, work or other intimate relationships) can be a reflection of how we experience ourselves. Doesn't matter how messed up, archaic, self-harming or shameful. Most of us can't even fathom having such a poor view of the self- yet it keeps showing up. Repeatedly. To the point where it can't be ignored. How did it show up for me? I didn't feel like he took my feelings and needs into consideration into importance. Or what I wanted. As hard as it was to swallow this, it was easier to write him off as selfish, belittling and unavailable. But when I really thought about it, wasn't I the one who was disregarding my own feelings in relationship to him (yes). Wasn't I the one who wasn't meeting my own needs (yes). What were these needs in this context: needs for some of the basics- water (he helped me see Im dehydrated most of the time), and is the second person to point out how little water I drink. I also needed sunlight and I couldnt seem to shake this brain/head fog which part of which might have been jet lag, but a lot of it was from not sleeping in my own bed, recently a major life changing living situation, and yes getting closer to facing my fears (although i didnt know it). Perhaps some of this brain fog, not being as mentally (and physically present) was my body's way of gearing itself up for battle, to defend my long held core beliefs about my unworthiness. As I write this, I feel sadness. Sadness for myself. Sadness for this little girl who felt unworthiness her whole life, but masked it (I created in beijing as this carefree girl who was problem free). It was easy to be that was performatively in Beijing as everything was so affordable. The part of me that so deeply wanted to be carefree was really not. She was burdened emotionally, weighed down by 25 years of neglect, abuse and self-abuse (CPTSD), but didn't know.

I realized as this carefree persona as someone who has a full life, who is happy, who doesnt need a man to take care of her but desires it was a partial truth. It was performative, but not embodied because left unexamined and separate from it - this identity and relationship goal was built on top of bodies of hurt, unprocessed pain and unfelt feelings. And that my friend, is a foundation made of unstable, ungrounded and unfounded fakeness. Inauthenticities. Facades. Costumes. Disconnectedness. It was the do to get, cheap, temporary fixes, the fast food of connection. Short lived and easily forgotten to the other party, but with the scars and hurt to unfurl for months if not years until another man came along to rip off the festering wound, and cut a little deeper, pour a little more salt. Times that by 25 years and not in the linear way. In the most non-sensical fucked up mathematical way where something is cubed and compounded kind of way. All the while thinking, I'm a good catch, what is wrong with these men. I never thought about my impact on them. They took and they ran. And they never didn't think once.

It was only once I looked up the definition of belittling (to make the other person feel small) that i realized that i make myself small. And I continued to make myself small in so many interactions. It looks like being easy going or not caring because the greater need is companionship, company, not being alone (but not admitting this). It's the road paved to cheapening your own desires and experiences. It was a guaranteed way to ensure my invalidation of showing up more fully while validating the crumbs. As I said to myself before I had this awareness, "I didn't come all the way to Berlin to chase the bread crumbing champion." What I found instead was the low self-worth and I merged with it. Merged with the illusions, merged with the smallness, merged with my insignificance and my redundancies, my passivity, and my self-silencing. Because when these ways of being are flaunting the 5% consciousness costume of "I'm a bad-ass B*, "I deserve better", or the blame game, it's self-belief trap set by the dominant mainstream advice that seeks to empower other women, without being truly present to what may lay beneath the skin-deep surface of a deeper feeling embodiement, what is behind the veil - which is for women, where the experiencer of experiences has her value. She is value and worth because she gets to have her own experiences. They are her's and her's alone unless she chooses to express them and share them, but because they are hers, and they belong to her, she has her value, her worth and that my friends is what I call "self-worth".