#so I'm finding joy where I can ;-;
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple and how “ability users” (opposite to “normal people”) learning to accept themselves through the acceptance of their own abilities is a queer metaphor of acceptance of own's sexual orientation and gender: an essay by me
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#About: Dead Apple. Watched this a while ago with a friend and it was a lot of fun!!!#If you're reading this: thank you so much for hanging out with me I had such a good time (ㅅ´ ˘ )♡#Next to general considerations: wow they were right that Bungou Stray Dogs movie sure can Bungou Stray Dogs#It's always nice to see the detailed animation and elaborate backgrounds of movies. The animation quality compared to the manga is–#definitely noticeable and it's nice to see. That said... I still like the season 2 art style more? And I'm speaking strictly of art style.#The s2 one looks more soft and smooth while the da one is so much more rough.#The plot is... Very bsd-esque I don't think there's anything to add.#In my opinion Kyouka's arc is the one that turned out best tbh. I really like her narrative development and personal growth in this movie.#I like the complexity of her state of mind. how full of contradiction she is. I especially appreciate the recurring small changes of–#expression that indicate how she thinks differently from Atsushi even if she doesn't voice them. The fight between her cynicism and her–#kind nature. It's all very interesting.#Atsushi's development is interesting too. Although all the open questions about his ability we still have kind of leave me frustrated#I don't feel very strongly about Akutagawa in this movie? I mean‚ he's there. The ss/kk scenes are always great and in character and a joy–#to witness no matter what they do. He just doesn't shine particularly? Or at least personally I dont find the “proving my strength against–#myself” narrative arc to be particularly interesting. Imo it was a lot better flashed out in the da stage play! With the complexity that–#the dialogues with Chuuya added to the character. Dazai attacking him. And especially Aktgw understanding that Rashomon wasn't testing Aktg#but rather only expressing that unstoppable rage that is also Aktgw's own. About that I checked out the play and I really liked it!!#I only watched highlights (aka: ss/kk and chuu/aku scenes) but there's some stuff I really like. I like the conflict between Aktgw and–#Chuuya and how Chuuya messes up with Aktgw at first maliciously and then amiably. It's interesting how Atsushi himself observes that Kyouka#and Akutagawa get along. And especially the sskk almost-handholding and Atsushi saying Akutagawa has a nice profile were cute akjdhbsawhjb#Next. Da really is shipping paradise (╥﹏╥) Sorry but... It is. oda/zai. daz/atsu. ss/kk. s/kk. fuku/mori. chuu/aku. It really has everythin#and the moments are so good!!!! What else. Wish we'd see more of Tsujimura. And Christie. And women in general tbh.#Also‚‚‚‚‚ Atsushi's tiger form in this movie is ATROCIOUS. I've said it before but it's crazy how a franchises that relies so heavily on–#fanservice came up with something this hideous. Man the movie overall was pretty but Atsushi sure wasn't. Firmly stand by the belief–#that only Akutagawa would find that form attractive.#Oh last note. honestly if we're ready to accept a movie where an antidote has effect AFTER the person has effectively died then we really–#can't complain about any kind of insanity the manga brings up#random rambles
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I was personally assaulted (honorific) by this essay on ambition. It's very good.
#megs is reading#I would've linked it as a full link but it didn't parse right. which probably means it has some settings against AI which. good for them!#hilariously I was complaining immediately before reading it that SO MUCH of the discussion around burnout and overwork are like#'well you should train yourself to enjoy things and live in the moment and say fuck work and not worry about it making you more productive!#and like. as a writer. as a person whose brain will eat itself alive if I do not write. NOT because augh productivity#but cuz [that one post about how if you don't draw the images will clog up inside you and make you sick]#this does not ever spark joy. I want to do the work I enjoy and find fulfilling! I want that work to be valued enough to let me do it!#where is my discussion around burnout for people who like. can in fact sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea or cooking a pot of soup#that's not the goddamn problem here. the problem is that not all labor is valued and in fact very little labor if any is valued.#the products are labor are valued. the labor itself is an inconvenient stepping stone that it would be nice to not have to take.#ANYWAY I'm just going to go try to finish my fucking book draft now. and convince myself that it matters.
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i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….
#or maybe my time here ends w this month…i’m not sure i guess it all depends on how i feel but as of right now#everytime i think i'm fine i open tumblr and immediately am sad again the whole app has become my doomscroll at this point#i got a notification on a random talking post from a while ago and it felt like reading the words of a completely different person#lately i find it difficult to find any joy here at all when it always feels so lonely… a type of loneliness i’ve never experienced before#everyone always has ppl interacting w them who are interested in their stuff or are always sent things that are reminiscent of them....#i’m always praised for remembering stuff abt other ppl but i wonder if anyone remembers anything abt me#what is it about me that is so forgettable am i dull am i uninteresting did i not solidify myself enough do you guys just not like me lolz#but i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping or being ungrateful to what i do have because ik comparison is the death of joy but#it's still hard to watch when it's so in your face and it makes me think if ppl only talk to me because they feel obligated to#because anyone can say empty words.... i wish my perception of things didn't turn bitter i wish i hadn't become so jaded but#over and over i've felt irrelevant cast aside overshadowed and i cannot exist in a place where i feel like i'm a ghost in the corner#idk i've never felt like This before and i'm at least glad it's something i can walk away from by just....leaving...#sad that this used to be somewhere i can run away To but now it's become somewhere i want to run away From#i don't know...even if i get over whatever this is...things will never be the same for me... i just don't think i belong here#if only i had never made this blog then i would have saved myself a world of turmoil
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Wanted to make an adoption kryk au,
BUT GODDAMN IT ADOPTION LAWS IN JAPAN ARE STRICT ASF 😭😭
They wouldn't be allowed to adopt unless theyre married... which is a problem since same sex marriages aren't recognized or acceptable..
So im thinking they'd have to adopt internationally like from the US and it'd probably just be under a single parent (most likely kuroo) and the other would be involved but unfortunately just not legally have any connection to their baby.
Or i say fuck it and just make the fictional au pure fiction and screw complicated laws and regulations bc I want my ship to get to experience parenthood BC GODDAMMIT THEY WERE MADE TO BE PARENTS
#kuroyaku#kryk#they definitely would fight hard to adopt tho#i can just imagine the relief and joy they felt to finally bring home their baby girl#plss i just them to be a happy family#from what i was researching a single japanese man can adopt from the us or whatever countries allow it#but a single parent wouldn't be able to adopt in japan unfortunately#a realistic family au is hard bc thats just how life is :')#I'm sure there are more rare cases where something is possible but I couldn't find any immediate answers that allowed an easy solution#also this au is a bit angsty so this adoption process just makes it angstier lmao
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y'all folks already in 2025 better tell me what the vibes are
#still an hour away where i'm at#also#i am so very grateful for all of you#can't manage sentiment in the main post so we're doing it in the tags#working on sts has been a phenomenal delight in a particularly chaotic period#it has been an honor and a privilege to write something so many people can find comfort in#thank you all so much for your support#the people i've met? the communities i've joined?#UNPARALLELED#UNMATCHED#2025 is gonna be rough but we will make joy regardless#may we always keep making art
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//ooc posting: I NEED to find more fun/silly things to do with my two they are Not meant to be all agony all the time I swear- I just have a penchant for the dramatic and they're a little in the torment nexus o(-< but on god they will Have Fun too
#//ooc#even in the torment nexus there's spots of brightness!! I need to start playing with them too I'm not a grimdark writer I swear!!#I have ideas for softer bits and pieces. sibling stuff. cute things. I will get to it somehow hell or high water o7#T-E purrs!! they can do that!! it's part of their genetic alterations and I want to play with that too as well as the horrors!!#now don't get me wrong either The Horrors are one of my fav things to write but it's chiaroscuro y'know you need the contrast#it can't be a fight for personal autonomy all the time sometimes it needs to be T-E's huge kitty eyes or Helios being a dork#all this might be unnecessary I just get a little self conscious sometimes about how full-grit my writing can be wehh#holding my creatures in my hands. they are capable of such a beautiful joy. it's actually vital that they are#since I'm rambling anyways: huge part of what I want to do with T-E's pre campaign rp is start pulling them out of their shell#they start the planned game still stuck on their rules but it's talking to people that's gonna put them in a place where like#they know there's something else out there. they want it. they feel so much guilt for wanting it but it's the WANTING that's important!!#helios can't do that on his own because he doesn't know either. neither of them know jack about what exists beyond their narrow purview#making a HA clone to me is in part an examination of how miitary as industry will always result in steadily increasing dehumanisation#it's the commodification of a human body to ever increasing heights. soldiers to products to nothing but parts to be scrapped#military as an endless churn less for the sake of any kind of protection and more for the sake of resources. capital. money#it's part of what makes HA so fascinating to me y'know? the way it takes that concept to a far flung conclusion. how bad can it get#the other part is playing someone realising for the first time it's possible to break from what's expected of them#the wonder. the guilt. the disbelief. all of it carefully hidden. it's a huge part of what's so compelling about writing them to me#three huge cornerstones of T-E are: masking - military - the horror of having to exist in a body.#that last one is my taking the weird sensory relationship I have to Flesh/mind and doing horror with it dw too much about that njbkhjv#okay okay I think I'm done this got a little out of hand I'm just like#there's so MUCH about thirteen/T-E that makes me insane. alas I'm tired and it takes me like 4 hours to write a simple post sobs#anywaysss that's my ramble. I like them#helios too I like him. guy absolutely dead set on finding reasons to smile amidst the Horror
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2024 Singapore GP | x
#hi everyone I'm sorry I vanished for a few days#this weekend has been hard here with irl family things and in my heart in the world of F1#I feel so so so so much for Daniel and I keep riding a roller coaster of anger that RBR let this happen and sorrow if this is it#then I swing back to hope#not just in 2025 (which I still believe in!!)#but that he can find joy and fufillment and love somewhere better#he deserves so much better than the callously cruel weekend from a sport he's given so much of his life to#I'll be a Daniel fan no matter where he goes next#but my trust in RBR is irrevocably shattered as it is for many (not that I had much to begin with!)#but he was thrown to the wolves and I'm just so angry and heartbroken this happened#but then the possible last lap of his potential last race given to Max#thank you Daniel#and I'm hopeful til the end#I hope he gets what he wants but he deserves so much love#and seeing the love from fans and the people in his life who DO care#I'm a newer fan but I have become so fond for Daniel so much and the anticipation is killing me#let him and fans have peace (even if the goal is Checo retiring after the Mexico GP then at least give some closure for the month between)#just a hard weekend#and the FIA absurdity with Max too ugh#and Carlos' crash in quali ahhh just an awful weekend#with that and an overwhelming family weekend I just couldn't bring myself to post anything#but thank you everyone for this space#I need to catch up but I have seen so many folks echo how I feel#it is upsetting and needless and uncerimonious and cruel#I'll be hopeful forever there is a chance#but Daniel deserves to be happy and RBR proved how heartless of a place they can be#I'll savor the silver linings of Max and Daniel's bond and those on the team who lifted him up#I'll be away again for a work event today but I looked around insta a bit last night#I'll post and tag for the GP if anyone wants to not see it!! still hurts but it'll all be okay in time I know it ❤️#autumn posts
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talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"
like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like
imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.
i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.
#i know and love so many people who have intense anxiety about their ability to create art and who are so hard on themselves about the result#and i think that's a REALLY easy thing to feel because creating is also vulnerable & physically difficult and there is SOOOO much to master#but i think for me the people who churn out 300 colored pencil front facing hands behind their backs oc doodles on lined notebook paper-#are the ones with the right idea. they're the ones i aspire to be like#i'm not saying i never struggle either bc tbh#as someone with depression and adhd there are times where the Act of Having Fun is simply not possible#sometimes i CAN'T enjoy things because my ability to feel joy is locked behind a barrier of my mental illness#so i don't think it's an Easy thing to do by far and I don't think you can just Magically Make Yourself Happy And Having Fun#but i DO think that experimenting in a low-stakes low-pressure manner until you find something that clicks in your brain helps#doing things for the sake of doing them is the only way to figure out which ones WILL be fun to you#not all of them will. some things will feel like a slog#but i think you have to look for the passion before you're able to face the slog#if you jump right into the parts that are Hard and Challenge Your Limits it's easy to spin your wheels and get stuck#but if you focus on the super small stakes and the things that are thoughtless and focused more on Sensation-#the sensory experience of mixing paint or the scratch of pencil on paper or the smooth way a specific pen makes lines-#then you can lose yourself in the physical aspect of it FIRST#and then once you've started really ENJOYING those sensations you can start learning new ways to use them#because now you have the drive to want to do more#now you have the desire to find new ways to apply this thing you like doing#long post#even longer tags#art#drawing#artists#art advice
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I just have to remind myself sometimes that no matter what anyone else says, the way a piece of media makes me feel and the positive impact it has had on my queer identity is valid, and that tearing myself apart thinking I have to defend it or questioning my own place within queer communities is not at all important when compared to the almost tangible sense of 'rightness' that piece of media helped me to feel about myself.
#just something i've been pondering the last few days#kind of like no matter how much people debate or i suppose theoretically deconstruct media featuring queer stories#the most important thing is how it makes a queer person feel#and I do think it is of course a good thing to ensure queer stories are executed with respect and authenticity#but there's this grey area in fandom spaces in which people may have found rep from a 'unreliable' source i suppose#or something which is queerbaiting- sherlock springs to mind for example yet if people have been able to explore and nurture their own#queerness through that media does that therefore mean their experience is invalid? i don't think so#and my worry is the more we focus on theory the less we focus on emotion and therefore the actual queer experience itself#and sure theory can inform the queer experience and ensure the media is a 'healthy' site of queer identity formation and identity aid#but at the same time scorning or being rude to those who have found certain media an aid is not the right approach to be taking#especially as queer experiences are so wide ranging that one person's idea of 'good' representation is someone's else's of 'bad'#and that unless a piece of media is clearly offensive in its portrayal of queer experience there has to be some benefit of doubt#I think we're still in a period of progression in media espc tv where queer creators are coming to the fore of their own stories#and we've got to 'live and let live' a little about where people are finding sights of queer validation and joy#and perhaps this a naive and simplistic way of thinking but i think queer people can either recognise when something isn't the best rep#but was helpful for them anyway and therefore in a way confer 'ownership' of the media to themselves in how they engage#or there is variety in queer experiences represented in media so that perhaps not everyone finds a 'site' of rep but that does not#therefore invalidate it or make it 'bad' representation#this is just my opinion and it'd be hypocritical for me to not now mention this is only formed from my own queer experience lol#so i'm not trying to tell anyone how to feel or anything just something i'm pondering
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you absolutely already know this, but i adore your work. i think it's hard to avoid the pressure of being surrounded by people we might consider "true artists," but the fact is that, frankly, everyone who makes art is an artist.
before this year, i hadn't drawn a complete piece in nearly three years. the line work i did produce felt abysmal and i was tempted to give up. then, i saw your comic and i thought, "wow, that's really cute, and it looks like a fun style to emulate."
i drew you, pondering me, eating grass. and it WAS fun. i forgot how fun it could be. i can draw lesbian horses, or pony!WWX throwing a chicken, or me eating grass. i can even make shitty memes! and all of it, no matter how good or how bad, is fun again.
you bring a lot of fun to people here. that's something equally as important as people who cultivate fancy line work or expert level digital painting. i'm sure that's something you know, but i hope it never hurts to hear it.
happy first season, friend! i can't wait to see the rest.
As a chronic perfectionist, it's been a long journey for me to accept that 'done is better than nothing' and that the worst critical voice is my own. Sure there's people who've gone to professional art schools, and those with a more than a decade of experience on me, but honestly? Would I tell a child their sonic drawing isn't art? Just because they have no 'experience' or 'technique'? Absolutely not. So I'm no longer saying my efforts should not count as art.
At the end of the day, art is what we choose to make it. We have the power to create whatever we want. And we are going to use it to have fun! We never lost the love and fun for creation we all had as children, we just told ourselves it wasn't enough. But it really is B*)
#ask#non mdzs#Thank you so much for this very heartfelt message B'*)#This kinda hit hard for me cause this blog isn't actually my first attempts at art (started with the classical florals and life drawing)#but it stressed me out immensely. All I could see was flaws and it made the process miserable knowing I wasn't going to succeed#So I stopped trying. I didn't draw for *years*#The point of Poorly drawn mdzs was always 'it doesn't matter how it looks it matters that I just keep going'#and it made art fun! I was making comics for ME and no one else. The bar was so low and I really could only go up from where I started#I think art block might be 50% fear of failure and 50% the weight of expectations. *That's* why art is perceived as 'hard'.#I'm gonna be fully honest here; your art is GORGEOUS!!! I'm glad you didn't give up B*) Though I understand the feeling.#I have greatly enjoyed chatting and collaborating with you! Thank you for so so many things#I hope to see more of your work again in the future!! I hope you keep finding the joy and fun in the act of creation!#is it not so amazing we can make something out of thoughts in our heads?#Lets all remember that art let's us draw ourselves eating grass and realize how wonderful that is
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getting into a new fandom and finding 0 fics for it on ao3 😭 is it over
#delete later#it's 4am where i live and i cannot sleep which is v frustrating bc i have work as always#and i will truly private this when i am more awake and embarrassed but the fandom is k//ill//er p//et//er on we//bto//on#aka k//ill//er p//ie//tro depending on the translation scans site#it's only ~30 (scrollable webcomic format) eps so far... very action-y and digestible#but man. the titular character...#..............#seasoned assassin who succeeds despite the crazy odds stacked against him out of sheer competence and experience#what if he had a cold 🙁🙁🙁#i was actually reading it for reference for something more action-oriented i'm working on to familiarize myself more with the genre#my personal investment was not part of the plan (🤡)#i don't think i can be the one to post the first ever fic on ao3 and have it be a gratuitous sickfic 😭 i don't have it in me#also i think it would not quite live up to the joy of reading someone else's thoughts about how he'd operate when unwell... but sadly there#is 0 demand for it except for me and it's also not the kind of genre where we would ever get that arc in canon#...next time i need to find something with at least 1 sickfic on ao3 before i get emotionally invested
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spontaneously watched marahuyo project in one sitting and cried my eyes out, it's just that good i appreciate so many themes and topics it's managed to raise, but the difficulty of being queer in a small town, being queer in a place that was and still is scarred by imperialism/colonialism is something that resonated with me the most. this show felt so comforting and filled me with so much hope
#marahuyo project#part of me finds queer pride/joy shows very hard to watch#because i don't even feel like a i have a voice#and having a safe space where i can help build an open community feels more like a faraway dream#i always have to remind myself that i'm doing my best in my circumstances#and someday things will change#and i don't have to leave the place i've grown so used to#that i love a lot#just to have a chance for a better future
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...Not gonna lie, I've been re-examining a lot of things as of lately in regards to past IC events, and I honestly get the sense that the reason Vivian feels so uncomfortable with being called a 'lesbian' or having her relationship be labelled as a 'lesbian relationship' is because she feels it not only denies her lack of monosexuality outright/reinforces the idea of monosexism, but erases her pansexuality entirely. Now, for some sapphic women, they do not mind using the term 'lesbian' to refer to themselves even if they don't fit completely inside that box and seriously do not find this to be such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but for Vivian, well... receiving the assurance she is indeed a lesbian upon expressing her insecurity over her queerness not being monosexual brings her much discomfort, for deep down inside, she knows that she will never be attracted to just a single gender her whole entire life.
Of course, what manages to complicate things even further is her hypersexuality, which more often than not leads to intrusive sexual thoughts she would end up feeling guilty over, hence why she does not want to necessarily be told she's a lesbian during moments where she doubts her capacity to be a good lover. Then again, we also have to remember that not only is Vivian young, she by natural default has no prior experience to dating anyone before entering a relationship with whoever she is shipped with, so there will inevitably be moments where she feels like she is missing out on relationships with other genders regardless of whether she is with a woman, man, or gender queer person.
Due to this, there will be times where she'll experience profound sadness and go through phases of vague mourning, especially because she's still young and didn't yet have a chance to experiment with her sexuality enough to get everything out of her own system, something that most non-monosexual women who have only dated men/women might experience. Rather than a feeling of dissatisfaction, however, it's more so Vivian coping with the duality of wanting to stay committed in her long term relationship yet also wondering what things would be like with someone of a different gender... a curiosity that often comes and goes like the passing tide.
Either way, I believe Vivian's unfortunate habit of comparing herself to lesbians stems from not only her hypersexual dilemma, but monosexism and the biphobia/panphobia that is rampant within online spaces, which could be seen as recently as this thread (WARNING: the link contains biphobia, so if you are sensitive to such matters, PLEASE DO NOT CLICK IT). Honestly, upon having seen how vile lesbians and other monosexuals can be towards bisexuals and pansexuals, it explains why Vivian heavily leans more towards men in her attraction, is convinced Judith is somehow the 'only woman' for her, and has a lot of hangups around dating women in general, like for instance, how she thinks she would not be able to love a woman the same way a lesbian allegedly could.
Why, I imagine she is hesitant to even disclose her true sexuality to others out of the innate paranoia it won't be understood or accepted; therefore, she would usually bite her tongue instead of pulling a 'Actually, I identify as pansexual' moment. Basically, though, Vivian hasn't yet reached a point where she is confident in her sexuality and would rather play up her whole '2D-obsessed' shtick than openly acknowledge her queerness; after all, there's really no telling what people would do upon having access to that information.
#biphobia mention tw#panphobia mention tw#║▌ ⧼ ⸢ ʚɞ ⸣︳h̲e̲a̲d̲c̲a̲n̲o̲n̲s̲. ⧽ ― LET’S PRETEND I AM A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.#⸾ ❖︎ ⸾ ( ABOUT ) ⤹ •• 𝕧𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕒𝕟 𝕚𝕤𝕞𝕤.#⸾ ❖︎ ⸾ ( QUEUED ) ⤹ •• 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕚𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕣𝕪.#[ ngl i don't really get the sense the concept of monosexism or gold stars gets brought up a lot within the rpc?? ]#[ mainly because i guess ppl don't want to acknowledge how badly bi/pansexual folks are treated and would rather just slap the label ]#[ onto their muses for ship inclusive reasons but the reason i find it so hard to ship vivian with other muses is because more often than ]#[ not they either don't have the patience to write the whole slowburn phase ORRRR ]#[ many muns just do NOT like writing conflict due to how for them rp is escapism... and so anything complicated/painful is something they ]#[ would instinctively avoid if only because they would rather their muses be happy (unless ofc angst happens to be their fav genre) ]#[ meaning anytime a character does something that upsets them/hurts their muse's feelings/threatens a ship they carefully cultivated in a ]#[ thread they would either a) procrastinate on replying or b) put that thread on the backburner while they write things that gives them ]#[ more joy/fulfillment which while pretty understandable is still a worrying trend i've noticed within the rpc ]#[ then again for a community that is so obsessed with shipping/smut i'm not really... surprised at this point ]#[ and so i acknowledge vivian's romantic relationships will likely be doomed for failure outside of her (1) ship with hayate ]#[ which is something i now don't mind and have already come to terms with ]#[ after all vivian is honestly a lot to the point where i can understand the fact not everyone will be able to handle the idea that ]#[ what their muse says/does has long lasting consequences to the point where as a result NOT EVERY MUSE IS WELL EQUIPPED FOR A ]#[ RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN AS COMPLICATED AS HER ]
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it's probably the sunnier weather that's doing stuff to my brain to make me more optimistic but it's so interesting having a brain that craves a lot of self-fulfillment to the point where I can move past some hang-ups around perfection by going "oh I really wanna do that though" and then I do it well because researching how to do it right is also a rewarding part of the process
#it comes with the double edged sword of dropping projects as soon as they become a bit more involved/difficult#or when they don't feel fulfilling#but maybe it's better to take a break and come back to something with new knowledge ?#maybe it's good that my brain has a built in 'if it sucks hit da bricks' function ?#i just wish that i had more stamina for these things when they start lacking intrinsic rewards#it just feels like compared to my other family members i lose steam very very quickly and since we all have the same disorder i should be-#- 'just as capable'... but honest to god my under-activity feels SO severe#it honestly feels like compared to others my threshold for mental exhaustion is half the normal benchmark it should be#you know how there were studies done that found that 4 hours is the maximum amount of time people can work before a decline in efficiency?#i swear to god when the activity is something i have no internal reward for it takes 1-2 hours for that decline to start. and my brain -#- crashes HARD. my eyes start to glaze over. i start forgetting how to speak. my brain starts acting like it's 2-3 am and that i need to -#- sleep. i don't push myself not because i coddle myself but because i perform WAY worse. my work becomes unintelligible#or if it's some other kind of task (such as cleaning) my brain desperately tries to take shortcuts in order to get it done#i am trying to avoid a situation where i have to fix up the shitty job i did after the fact!#it's just kind of crazy to me how this is viewed as laziness LOL 'you did a bad job!' because i was pushed past my limit!#not to mention... i get burned out for DAYS if i push myself too hard. i am trying to conserve my efficiency#if you want me to do a better job... i need more time. and trust me: i'll do an excellent job if you let me rest#i am a very smart and capable person who cares about doing a good job - and i have a fine eye for smaller details as well#the trade-off here is i'll need some time to find joy and fulfillment somewhere else for a little bit while i rest. let me excel ok?#idk where this high self esteem came from other than like. realizing i wrote an entire research proposal in such short time#while receiving positive feedback with very few notes for improvement. i just sat down an added another section today based on -#-feedback and realized like 'wait. i know what i'm doing and i probably care about this far more than the average classmate'#i've been having a lot of thoughts lately and i sort of want to get to the bottom of how i have a difficult time coping w/ burnout#and i also want to figure out how to offset the costs of the stuff i need to do... it's a process
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I'm gonna take a social media break for a few days. Get some writing done. Ask box remains open (and I'll get email notifications so I'll reply to those quickly) but I gotta stop stress scrolling.
#I am. self harm levels of upset thinking mutuals are vagueing about me#and thinking about it further! will not help! I have posted apologies TWICE and that is all I can do#i cannot control what other people think about me. all I can do is correct my behavior and do better next time#it's just one of those days where I'm like Oh Yeah. Autism Is A Disability#And It Affects My Ability To Maintain Friendships#and when your special interest is *being nice to other people because you find so much joy in treating people well*#it's just. not good. because I can't and shouldn't police what other people post about#so I won't. I will apologize and step back until I can handle the idea of upsetting someone#and I will be okay
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