#so I’m rlly anxious
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ITS HECK WEEK(the week before hell week)IN THEATRE SO I MIGHT BE MIA
BUT REST ASURED IM HERE IN SPIRIT
also I need to memorize my 8 counts and I am so *tired*
#hell week#theater#theatre#we’re doing#chicago the musical#it’s my first time doing a show#so I’m rlly anxious#and all the others are older than me#so theres a disconnect#but eh whatever
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i hate gay halloween what do you mean you were monokuma from danganronpa
#sorry no face reveal i’m insecure and anxious#also i was on an edible so i look rlly high LMFAO#halloween#danganronpa
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so I’m realising my intense anxiety for Hilda’s third season to come out is PROBABLY an autism thing
#like. it’s been 2 years of it being the same#the fandoms been in the same place and the show has too#and now it’s gonna change and it is giving me so much anxiety#when the special interest is so intense that you feel physically ill at the thought of new content because it’s just so overwhelming#<- that’s not my usual exaggerated ‘I’m so unwell’ thing either like I have layed awake at night feeling#sick LMAO#bc of s3#which is so frustrating because I’m excited! I love this show! I want more!#but because it’s so important to me. new content is going to have a big effect on me#and I don’t want it too cries#does that make sense? no? sick#it’s either an autism thing or there’s just something wrong with me either way I’d like this feeling to go away please it isn’t fun#hilda#textpost#it’s like I just want it to come out already so I can watch it and know what’s happening cause I hate not knowing what’s going on#i need to have. my information organised#and rn I don’t#and that makes me rlly anxious lolz#like I’m anxious for season 3 in a good excited way#but also in a geniunley bad way#I wish my brain was. normal lo#l#this got more venty than I meant it to sorryblads#might delete later#I’m sad hilda is ending bc it’s over and I don’t want it to be but#also it’s weirdly comforting to know that I don’t have to go through this intense anxiety again#cause I don’t get like this with other fandoms! dr who for example I’m living new content#but for Hilda I geniunkey feel unwell#it’s the same with the idea of there ever being new ducktales content#I care so much that it’s. bad for me lol??
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meow more meow moew meow moew
meow
#feeling rlly good these past couple of days overall#feeling rlly good abt that#i am not gonna b “knocking on wood nor#waiting for the other shoe to drop…. the bad things will happen anyway#and yes ofc i feel worried and stressed quite a bit but tbh overall things have felt good in my brain for the past couple days#and like let me focus on that !!!!#most of the time my brain is focusing on tho gs that r upsetting & stressful & fearful of the future#so like idk i’m j trying to focus on how things feel in the moment#and currently overall they have been feeling p fucking good#like yes i felt exhausted and stresssed and anxious at some points thru out the day today#but horbslty those were j moments and the other moments i felt excited and happy and st peace and content and idk man!!!!#idk i’m not making sense i guess i don’t need to intellectualize it all at all….. im j feeling things#me
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inspired by @colap1nto <3 and posting here to hold myself accountable: writevember! attempting to write something every day no matter how much and what it is
i am however inventing stipulations for myself so i cannot weasel my way out of it, which includes a valid definition of “write”:
actively put words into a document in the form of a proper fic!!! too many wip not enough hands!!
poems (actually laughed at me coming up with this but maybe i will go back to my roots)
research/meta/primers
tag stories are permissible IF i actually compile and edit them into a readable document that day
editing to post to ao3 (the optimism) is also valid. it takes me so long
i do have concrete arbitrary deadlines for one and a half fics that i would LOVE to finish and post in november (dewey^2 and [redacted :)]) so i’m hoping this helps!! also, this is secretly just a sticker chart where i get to put down emojis for each fic i worked on and check off boxes but a win is a win
day 1: 🪻🐈⬛
day 2: 😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜)
day 3: 🫃2️⃣
day 4: 🍎
day 5: 🫃2️⃣
day 6: 📑, 💌
day 7: 🫃2️⃣ AND ☁️💧. who is she
day 8: 🪻🐈⬛
day 9: 🫃2️⃣
day 10:🫃2️⃣
#liv in the replies#guys are you proud of me. i put everything I would normally yap into the tags in the actual post. hashtag growth#i say continuing to yap into the tags. I don’t want to be pessimistic but I AM scared this is occurring during my monthly bout of#productivity and I will face the doldrums and absolute inability to write in 2-4 days lol#also everyone says this next systems course is GARBAGE and terrible and super hard which. okay 💗 yay 💗#I should’ve put “reply to ao3 comments’ as a valid form of writing because the comment box terrifies me but it’s FINE#if you have ever commented on my fic I love you with every unspeakable fiber of my being and there is one comment I feel so guilty about#but it’s because every time I think about it I need to go jump around in circles I can’t fangirl too hard I also cannot find the WORDS#like even typing this out i’m like. anxious butterfly but it’s because I have so much love in my heart#also i am codifying the emojis to fics for Me sorry because I think it’s fun and i’m being secretive for literally no reason.#everyone tell me to get off of here and work on an actual fic. after I have my nik-induced/enabled 2353 breakdown#we hit day five and yes I DID forcibly make myself not work on a completely different fic. i wannnntttt to finishhhhh 🫃^2 2️⃣ so badddd#& this is not a game of ‘work on a different wip every day’ even if i could feasibly do that🫡 good news is i rlly think 3 -> 1 1/2 is done?#update 11/10 (technically 11/11 but it’s fine this is how it normally works) if i write like an unhinged person which is to say at all#bc i have midterms but also really like an unhinged person i MIGHT be able to adhere to my self-imposed deadline for 🫃2️⃣. god bless me#at 1:30AM yesterday having an absolute breakthrough with a line that has been in some variation in so many different fics including mine
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end of the year rant
#what i want from the new year is to finally have friends#idk someone that actually cares about me#i’m tired of being alone#but knowing me i’ll eventually isolate myslef again because who in their right mind would want to be my friend#yeah i have avpd 🙃#i’m already dreading some things that are gonna happen next year#just hope that in between all of that something good will happen to me too#i’m happy i had my fandoms this year otherwise it was pretty meh#feel like i’m standing in one place not rlly going anywhere with my life#which sucks i mean weren’t these supposed to be the best years of your life lol#anyway nye makes me super anxious so i’ll just enjoy esc250#manifesting my favorites placing well and why not maybe we’ll have a new winner hehe 👀
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just had a v upsetting realization that sexual encounters should b a “yes !!!!!!” nd not “um i can if u want” or “okay i guess”
#my eye is twitching#did u guys know i don’t even rlly like sex How funny is that#quite literally how i amassed like 8 / 9k followers nd when i self-reflect#i made this blog bc i got out of a not good relationship tht made me 64636x more scared of sex then i already was#nd in an effort of trying to learn nd b more positive ab sex i just ended up platforminf my hypersexualization . for thousdands of ppl GEEZ#i made a wrong turn somewhere But then i learned that hey idk it seems like ppl still kinda like me Even when i’m not playing Online Gf#rip my digital footprint But idk#i am sharing so much 2day U can tell i’m havin a rlly anxious bad day when i start oversharing like this
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Why am I like- forgetting my tags for my blog? Like the tagging system. I switched acct on tumblr app bc post limit bullshit ykyk? I’m gonna pretend that’s why /hj
#sepiasys.txt#Unrelated; stomach is complaining. I *think* it’s hunger—which makes sense. But also maybe I’m digesting stuff.#Also regarding who I is; Influence from cat perhaps? But I got off call with mom. I feel like I should be one of the less anxious ones. I#say that because I can actually make eye contact. Usually we don’t really need to look people in the eye. But if I can look at our roommate#directly; then that’s significant. Yes we have to deal with a weird mix of possible limerence (that we’re actively trying not to spiral) and#apathy and stuff. Anyways I kinda wanna get food but I know it’ll still feel kinda awkward. Also I don’t really know what to get anyway.#I mean I guess I can make a shitty sandwich? Not feelin up to it. Also don’t rlly wanna make the easy microwave breakfast burrito; and dont#wanna get one of the sweet treats. Maybe I could get a drink; nobody is really drinking the pineapple+aloe (or whatever) drink much. I kinda#like it; so I wouldn’t mind it. It’s akin to the more *sweet* pineapple side than bitter but that’s not a horrible thing. It’s not sickening#I lowkey wonder what roommate’s work schedule is gonne become; he won’t have Saturdays off anymore I think. He also doesn’t seem to have to#work today. It’s nice to know a fairly regular schedule for him so I know when I have access to Elden Ring or his comp.#Plus I’m more comfortable with myself when he’s not around. Thinking about what to eat again /lh#ANYWAYS yeah regarding who I feel like? HOW I feel like? Fairly calm. chill. ‘serious���. /shrug#I know for a fact I have to have resting bitch face rn which is hilarious to think of. But I don’t think I’m mad about anything.#Stealing from a list of names I had before; I’m gonna pretend that I fit any of em. Ren. So whatever the fuck I am right now? Ren /lh#Ren feels like a green name. Probably. *Looks at this one image of various colors of sepia we have*#*Sees ‘Join or Die’ green sepia* that’s pretty rad /pf#Anyways. I wonder if there’s multiple of us that actually act/feel similarly. What if I can act like this and it’s not me but someone else?
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Finally met all 3 of my housemates and the sich is looking more dire by the second
#one is a total slob. like was living in filth in the house this summer before I moved in and cleaned everything#there was a ton of black mold in his bathroom apparently?? and I cleaned out his cat’s water fountain and found an INSANE. like#insaaane amount of mold. it was disgusting. and he’s so bad abt keeping the litter clean. like are u fuckinggg kidding me#I don’t want to clean after him but I can’t fucking stand people no taking care of their pets. what is wrong with u#one has an insane amnt of pets and has been describing their sex life in detail unprompted to my asexual roommate and is making her super#uncomfy#and one said a transphobic comment to me today. which is insane bc they use she/they pronouns#like it wasn’t malicious. more just bc of carelessness but it rlly rubbed me the wrong way#idk. weird situation. one of my roomies pulled out last second and we had to find some rando to move in and I just met her yesterday so.#ig I shouldn’t be so judgy buttt. the vibes r weird now. hopefully everything turns out ok#I was feeling fine abt it yesterday when we finally all met but now I’m feeling sooo anxious ugh. like my lease goes until July
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Drawing bee with acne is one of the best ideas I’ve had in a while
#I’m a lot less anxious about my own#sorta#I’m thinking about it more ig#anyways I put little dots on their face and I’m like ‘wow that’s so cool’ and I hope other people see that too#comepletely like perfect clean faces look weirder than having acne#I have like shit acne I don’t rlly wash my face or anything I look so gross and I have an obscene amount of scars from it
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does someone mind writing with me this morning? I’ve got a doctors appointment later on and I really anxious, so I’d like something to take my mind off it if possible,
#・ ˖ ✦ ⋄ . AUTHOR OF THE STARS ❝ ooc. ❞#It was a problem I went there for about 4ish months ago and everything cleared up#but it’s recently come back again and I’m just rlly scared 😭#I hate going to the doctors for literally anything so hhhhh#I know it’s gonna be nothing but my brain can’t help but make me so incredibly anxious for no reason
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a class that I have to do a speech every week WOULD be my first class of my program lol
#I’m going back to school yalls!#todays the day lol#but a speech every week? my anxiety says nope#my high school in Hawaii was rlly mean and I would fail assignments because I couldn’t go in front of everyone and I would just cry HAHAHA#but then when I moved back to California for my junior and senior year my teachers were so nice and worked#like for one class my teacher only had me do my presentation in front of him and one of my best friends#and then the next year I did my senior speech in front of everyone so see what happens when your patient with someone who’s anxious lol#it’s so funny because at work I can talk to ANYONE and give talks to all the parents etc but I’ll freak out about ordering my food lol
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oh also our neighbors are pieces of shit and there was also an awful creep roaming around the neighborhood who wasn’t caught because he hasn’t been back so that’s wonderful
#deity dialogue#I learned all this earlier today#so the the creep situation is that we’ve been hearing sounds and like rustling and shit and I heard rustling the other month when I went out#to the car one night to get something and we were all hoping maybe it was like deer cause it’s the south we have those#but the rustling was Really close to the house and apparently other ppl had like creepy experiences#and while the rustling may have been a creature I’m anxious it was in fact the creep#so.#and the person is just still out there. I hate it here I wanna move so bad#also unrelated to everything but my hip rlly hurts and idk what I even did
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i post for the girls who were called weird a lot growing up and literally had no idea what you were doing that made other people uncomfortable (still don’t!)
#growing up neurodivergent IG#the way i feel anxious in social situations if i don’t know how i’m supposed to act or what i should be doing#like with my hands? and face and stuff like#i often come back to the Am I Autistic question bc i do have CPTSD#so then i wonder if the overlap of cptsd and possible but most likely ocd play in affect#i also have pretty bad anxiety my social anxiety was rlly bad in my teen years my legs would stop working because of anxiety the amount of#times my body would just shut down and give out on me because of how anxious i was#i feel bad that i was dealing with that alone ngl 😭 i was more so scared of anyone noticing#i couldn’t move and thought i was weird like plsss#i haven’t brought it up to my therapist but like the possibility of me having autism crosses my mind a lot#p
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UR GINGER???
im sorry ophelia, but idk if we can be friends anymore </3 im gingerphobic
/J /J
Oh boy /lh/nm
#I’m trying so hard not to sound mad I pinky pinky promise I’m not mad at you I’m just tired but I have made like 3 posts addressing this#kind of joke and the post I just made about expressing my feelings was me asking my friend not to say things like this about my hair or my#autism as much anymore#I get that you’re joking I really really do#but it’s just so fucking hard to hear after the millionth time bro#and I already hate myself and my appearance so much that hearing this every five seconds really doesn’t help#I’m sorry if I sound whiny or if I’m making a big deal out of nothing I’m trying not to be a baby about it or stress you out cuz I don’t#want you to think you did anything wrong cuz you didn’t and you couldn’t have known how much I’ve been struggling with this recently#but I really wish people would stop with the hatred of redheads even if it’s just joking because after a while of people just joking it#starts to feel like they’re just hiding behind the guise of a joke and trying to express how much they hate you#and when you already have an anxiety disorder that’s rlly easy to jump to#I’m sorry if this is annoying or dramatic and I’m also sorry if it makes you anxious at all I love you ghost I’m sorry I didn’t handle this#the way you probably expected I’ve just been really sensitive to stuff recently cuz I’m kind of at a low point but I’m getting off topic im#sorry#again I’m not mad I swear I promise#ghost 🖤#🪽#/gen all of it
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Sunnyyyyy you should totally watch Castle in the Sky omg it is so sweet and it has some quality soft ghibli hugs
ohohohooo I must definitely watch it some time then!!! :D
#I would watch it rn but ehhh idk#I’m the sole babysitter of the puppy rn and she always has me on edge lmao bc you never know when she’s gonna start being whiny again#she needs constant attention 😭 it’s rlly hard to get a break without feeling anxious lmao#she’s so cute tho I wuv her 😌🥰#ask box
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