#so I’ll get no relief
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I am. Miserable
#off the cusp of a panic attack because I’m horrible with scheduling shit#but my girlfriend is literally a saint#she’s wonderful and helped me out of it#BUT N O W#I am nauseous. and uncomfortable. and exhausted#I have shit due tomorrow for a class that I’m failing that I’ve never failed before in my life#I have so much anxiety#I seriously feel like I’m going to throw up#but I know I’m not#so I’ll get no relief#just. fuckin#pepto bismol’n it up over here#I’m so tired#I’m so so tired#I just want. to stop existing just for a little while#yknow?#not die but. just. Stop#stop feeling like shit all the time ig#ANYWAY#SORRY FOR THE VENTING SPREE#vent tag#rip
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Bakugou asks you to join him during one of his photoshoots for a pro hero campaign. he doesn’t understand the point of it, nor why he has to only be in his underwear, but he doesn’t mind it much when he gets to look over to your shy little face.
you’re propped up in a corner on an old couch, laptop perched in your lap, its glare bright despite the way you never really look at it. you’re supposed to be catching up on some work, but you’ve been distracted by the glorious sight that is the love of your life.
when he looks at you, do you duck down, eyes suddenly focused on your screen again. it only makes him smile a little, step away from the assistant of the photographer who comes up to him, calls out your name.
“Huh?” your head whips up with a quickness neither of you expect, goes to show just how invested you really were with your work. but Bakugou only grins at you now, jerking his chin over to you as he grabs the bottle of oil the assistant was trying to pour over him.
“C’mere and gimme a hand, won’t ya?” he asks you, boyish smile gracing his face as he tilts his head at you. immediately, your face warms as you put together the request that’s suddenly dropped in your lap. everyone in the studio looks at you, with both envious and excited gazes, and it only makes you shrink in on yourself.
“I hate you.” you mutter under your breath when you finally rise up from your place on the couch, which he somehow hears. but Bakugou only laughs at you, grabs you by the waist when you’re close enough to kiss you breathless in front of everybody, before he’s handing off the oil to you.
“Such an attention whore,” you whisper when you’re close, the air between the two of you thick. everyone tries to look away, give you guys a bit of privacy, but it’s hard when such a soft and amused look passes over the usually rough and hardened hero’s face.
“Only for your attention.” he grunts back to you, holding his arms out for you to start dripping the oil down his skin. it’s a sensual gesture, the softness between you two sliding into something more, something that you only ever reserve for the bedroom.
you tip the bottle over his shoulders until it drips down his chest, massaging it all in with your hands in crude, circular motions. you can see the way he bites his lip, ignore the way he looks at you down the bridge of his nose lest you two create a scene not meant for the public eye. you gather more oil, warm it between your palms, kneeling in front of him to help massage it into the defined muscles of his stomach.
you ignore the twitch in front of you, swallowing thickly, glancing up to Bakugou who hasn’t taken his eyes off of you yet. you mouth at him to behave, but he only grins, something feral.
“We only need it above the waistband.” the photographer suddenly calls out, snapping you back to attention. you stand on shaky knees, nodding with your eyes casted low, ashamed, that your freak of a man had you doing something so…so—
“Go wait in my dressing room, yeah?” Bakugou asks you, pulling you in close to peck at the corner of your mouth. “Gonna wrap this shit up.” he promises you, and you can only nod silently, mind going a mile a minute. but before you go, you remember to grab the oil. just in case.
#I hope this makes sense and sorry that it’s This.#I’m sleepy and having an allergic reaction and it’s HELL!!!!!!!#and I’m also coming on my cycle life just won’t stop beating my ass#on the other hand I really enjoyed my schoolwork this week which was a nice relief#I have a week left and I’m so happy bc I’ll finally have more time to write what I want again!!!#bakugou treats! 🍬#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#also I’ve talked about model bkg before but I can never get enough of him I fear#him as a model or even just modeling in general does something to me#mr pretty face with such a terrible attitude and such a brat bc he wants only you for everything#I need him terribly so
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Another desperate strike at the art block and a tribute of sorts: super rusty linocut to reinitiate me into the world of printmaking. It’s not as attuned to my working style as intaglio was, but this is fun, tactile, and enough of a departure from my way of thinking that is super welcome.
It’s nothing special and definitely technically lacking (over-inked block and such) but it’s something, which is a big deal lately. Also it’s my favorite species of fish and we all know Kuhli loaches deserve all the tributes we can give.
#printmaking#linocut#Kuhli loach#kinda sorta art#love the carving process even though this is only the easy carve block so it’s soft#I have some of the firmer stuff too for future works for better detail#wanna do a cecropia caterpillar#actually wanna do a bunch of little precious invertebrates#art is so hard these days I will take what I can get#I’ll figure it out i promise#this is redemption for the horrid woodcuts I did during my relief printmaking class#miss it so much
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In a sudden turn of events I am going to be okay!!!
#I’ve officially dropped AP art#You know what that means? :D#I get to sleep!#And hang out with my friends!#And go for runs!#And spend more time studying Physics and Chem!#I am quite literally bawling my eyes out right now#I have not slept or eaten in like#two months#My emotions are going wild right now#Huge sense of grief or maybe loss but also#Just… so much relief#I finally get to take care of myself#And do the things I enjoy#And focus on the important things#My life has been RAPIDLY spiralling downwards since school started#But now it’s going to get a lot better#And I’ll be happy again#I’m going to be okay chat#I’m gonna be okay
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is there any actual catharsis in the boys or is it all just suffering and scrambling for a crumb of relief
#bc i cant handle whump without a bit of silver lining#its why i didnt like game of thrones#theres just so much suffering and the entire time you want just something to go right for the characters you like#but its just bad thing after bad thing#and the people you dont like keep getting worse and getting away with it#i already know homelander will exhaust me#theres enough celebrities and rich people that do horrific shit and get away with it in real life i dont need that in my shows too#like for a while? i can deal#but season four is airing and this mother fucker is still adored even if he is being sued or something#i know its not the type of show with clear cut good guys and bad guys thats not what i mean#but yeah is there any relief? or any good things?#or is it just it starts off bad and gets worse and thats the point#i need there to be a reason for all the suffering you know?#so far i like black noir (though i know what happens to him) butcher and a train#and a little bit of the deep but i can also see him annoying me for long chunks of time#is it bc elliot knight is in the new season and i can do a cod crossover with it? maybe so#either way i’ll probably end up not watching it and just watch vicariously through gifs and fic lmao#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#the boys#homelander#billy butcher#soldier boy
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I have too many WIPs good grief 😅
#Just looked at the healthcare au stuff and was like#Wow I haven’t written anything for this in a while#But also haven’t updated blood of the hero for a while#I usually just follow my muse because this is all for fun and stress relief but#Sometimes I feel bad because people follow me for certain stories and they’re not touched for ages#*cough cough breath of the Sky cough cough*#Man that story is hard#And it’s so annoying too because like#I used to love writing it#whatever I’m sure it’ll be fun again someday#Ooooo I just realized advent starts next week SWEET#I’ll be doing a hiatus for it again but in excited to start prepping for Christmas and getting my life a little more together#Ok I think I’ve rambled enough#Maybe I’ll write something Healthcare before my hiatus#random rambles
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girl help i got offered two jobs today at the company i already work at. and i have to email one of them back to reject them even though i already kind of accepted and started to ask them questions about starting training. but then i can call back the other one and accept. it’s higher pay and a permanent position so it’s definitely the better choice.
#the temporary customer service specialist role was the same pay as i currently get but i figured it would be nicer than what i’m currently#doing. and it would look good on my cv. BUT the other role that i’m actually gonna accept is actually a promotion. it’s only a relief#position so i’ll still be doing my regular job a lot of the time. but when they need me i’ll be part of the supervisor team. and on those#days i’ll get paid at a higher rate. so yay#lilith.txt
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Just listened to Bayo3’s Moonlight Serenade and it just hit me again how absolutely furious I am about this game. Waiting 5 years since the announcement and then 2 further years before I could finally play it just to be met by that was… I don’t even have words for it.
And the worst part is - I was having so much fun playing it! Sure, it wasn’t on the level of Bayo1 or Bayo2, but it was still a delight to play! I loved the new designs, I loved the new weapons, I loved the music, I loved the new flow of combat, I genuinely had such a great time! Alright, the writing wasn’t exceptional, but the idea of parallel universes was still fun to explore - and I’m not fond of the enemies’ design in general, but I had a blast fighting them once I figured them out, and I appreciate the fact that they tried to do something different once again (after fighting angels in Bayo1 and demons in Bayo2). I even loved Jeanne’s little spy levels!! They were so cool and charming and so much fun to play through!
And I liked Viola! The narrative really didn’t do her justice but she was still such an endearing character! Her fighting sections were different but still enjoyable, and I enjoyed everything about Cheshire, which made her levels even better.
And I just - to take all that potential, all that joy, and squander it so completely and maliciously right at the end was just… devastating to me. I know Bayonetta isn’t made for the girls and the gays, but that’s not even the point - I would’ve at least enjoyed a Cereza/Luka ending if it had been written properly! Instead they decided to assassinate the characters we all knew and loved, spit on all the established lore and themes of the previous games, stomp on all the newly introduced characters, and all to shoehorn in a fated-lovers narrative that doesn’t even work on its own, without taking into account everything that contradicts it in the previous instalments.
And as if that’s not enough, they forced it into the most depressing, most nonsensical, most malicious finale I have ever witnessed. Why are you punishing me for winning the fights? Where is the reward for getting to the end? I was waiting at the edge of my seat for the entire game to see how Cereza would turn the situation around, how she’d overcome the impossible odds and come out dancing on her enemies, and instead they told me no, she saves almost no-one, she dies a pointless death she could’ve easily avoided so we can get a) the stupidest romance ever seen and b) a new protagonist that we spent no time developing, and nothing you did in this game had any meaning at all, fuck you.
Sorry for the rant, but I’m just… I’m so disappointed. I really really wanted to like this game and instead the finale ruined the whole experience for me. I literally sat in silence as the final scene and credits rolled out because I just couldn’t fathom what I was watching. How do you take such a great cast of beloved characters and decide that this is what you want to do with them? With a 5-year development time, no less? They deserved better, Cereza especially deserved better, and we all deserved so much better.
#I’m sorry but I just. i can’t deal#like. this is bayonetta!!! her whole thing is that she gets into impossible situations and comes out on top with a smile on her face!!#she literally fought GODS in the first two games and WON!!!#I’d understand if they didn’t want to make any more games. I’d get it! I’d even appreciate it!#but give her a proper conclusion instead of… whatever this was#they literally scrapped everything that made her work as a character#wrote the hollowest personality imaginable#and slapped it into cereza’s walking corpse#and did the same for jeanne and luka#where are my competent confident witches? where’s my silly comic relief boy with a lot of heart and even more luck??#when jeanne and the bayos reappeared during the final fight I remember being like ‘oh there we go! they werent really gone!’#‘this is when the narrative turns around finally!’#but NO#they were just ghosts and bayo gets obliterated by gomorrah instead.#i just… why. just why. don’t make the game if you hate everything about it just saying#idk if theres an anti-bayo3 tag#if there is lmk and i’ll add it#i dont want to spread any hate but I’m just so disappointed still
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i need more friends
#i hate being alone with my thoughts. i am so sick of it#i feel like i’ll go fucking insane if i have to continue on like this#i don’t even want to invite anyone new into my life because i am so terrified of loss but feeling this isolated and alone is#going to be the end of me if it goes unaddressed#like it can’t continue. waking up every single day feels like a punishment#and life around me just continues like normal. like nothing is wrong#i want to die and i still have to work. my family is destroyed but people are around me laughing and joking#how do i stop being consumed by this misery i don’t understand it. and i don’t want to guilt anyone into checking on me or feeling bad for#me. i just want to stop being in so much pain all the time every single day#there is no relief literally ever. it just continues to progress and get worse#literally i look up ways to *** every single day dude and i just have to like. live that way#feels like a cruel joke to me idk. laugh out loud#anyway if you read all this thanks for caring
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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive
#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy#been feeling weird as hell these past few months#like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days#or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day#idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this#just thinking#meposting#I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying#I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult#I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever#I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that#dissociation#me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though#she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety#and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time#I’m so solid now#so stuck in the ruts of capitalism#fuck capitalism#I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled#sorry I love talking#and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing#I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school#bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude#I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time
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#talks#kind of rambling#but I remember when I was young that getting married looked so good#but then I started to put myself in those shoes and being in the spot with everyone looking at me started to fill me with fear#so I put off the idea of being married when I was young#it’s a concept that I thought I had to get over#when I learned that you could sign a paper to get married#the whole wedding idea died in my heart and I never felt such a heavy relief#weddings are cute in my eyes but I will never have one of my own ever#those things suck#a reception however… we’re getting blasted#my friends know I hate weddings haha#they demanded a reception and I agreed#a little party get together and were dressed up nicely getting drunk#now that my dream#there’s nothing going on in my life nor am I getting married LOL#just had to write these down#hope someone can somewhat relate to this#the fact my dad knows I’ll never have a wedding always makes me laugh#thank god the expectation isn’t there#ramble#:P
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oh THANK GOD
there are only three quests you can use for an infinite rings exploit and the way they work is that you get rings in the text before the reward screen, so if you close the app after getting the rings but before the reward screen, it resets that part of the quest. the first one (know your friends, i think it’s called?) needs your mc so you can’t really progress the main storyline, and the second needs ezra, like so:
he’s not required for any important quests until much later, but i’ve still got about 5 side quests sitting there that need him.
but the third one, do you know julian, DOESNT need any of the main characters. i forget if it needs any other classmates (i just know that i used it in my original game and it was sustainable), but ezra is FINALLY free!
#ok well not quite. i’ve gotta DO the quest first#but god what a relief. this is the PERMANENT ring exploit quest#the first two were just to tide me over until this one#hss#personal#oh that’s right the last req is ‘complete a party with julian’#now watch me get one of the questions wrong so i don’t get the reward#it also has infinite coins and books. all of them have coins but the ezra one doesn’t have books#so i’m starting to get low on them even after the hundreds of thousands i saved from the first quest#oh you have no idea how much of a relief this is i can finally relax#but things are picking up with hss:#i’ve decided i’m only gonna get one of each gender of classmate unless absolutely necessary (so far i’ve needed 3 jocks and that’s it)#and this week i finally got the skater girl i needed to progress the main quest#(with infinite rings i know i could just buy them but i’m committed to partying. rip ever getting a prom queen lmao)#i also unlocked kallie yesterday (and i understand why nobody ever talked about her. that took WAY TOO LONG)#(i bought pencils in my original game but the server’s shut down now. had to do it the slow way. it took MONTHS)#i feel like there’s something else i did that was significant…….#oh yeah just now (at the same time i unlocked this quest) i finished the party that officially gets me one of every classmate#of the types i can get that is. don’t have rebels yet rip#i should look up which classmate i’ll need two of next so i can start working on it#the rarer ones can take weeks (or months. but i don’t think i’ll need a homecoming/prom queen for a quest?)#sometimes i forget i played this game for YEARS and only got by with exploits (and lbr spending WAAAY too much real money on it)#(hwu was worse because you couldn’t exploit it)#but i never paid rings for classmates. i always partied#sometimes i rushed parties but i still did them#wait. hold on a second. i have phoebe. she’s a prom queen. it’s the prom KING i don’t have lmaoooo that’s easy#when i say i only get a boy and girl of each that doesn’t include main characters or vips so i’ll still eventually party for a prom queen#but yeah i do have one lmao
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anyways. i hit tag limit and now im going to go to bed late bc i have to clean the whole kitchen. but the last 48 hours have just been so emotionally intense and exhausting and painful. i relived july 5-29 2022 in 48 hours. and it was better than that ofc bc i wasn’t uhmmmm shut down and unable to express my feelings 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but it was still horrible and the worst is over but im still in so much emotional / mental pain rn and it’s gonna take a while to recover from that and i don’t have the emotional resources i need to do so obviously. yayyyyy 🥳
#purrs#delete later#the MMMMMORTIFYING. MORTIFYING. ordeal. of romy leaving the way she did. and never being able to recover from that so the wound has festered#only for someone else i love and cherish and depend on to leave. LIKE IFS INSANE TO ME. it is so crazymaking. i can’t withstand the pain of#it. but OF COURSE i can like they’re not d*ad or anything god forbid a million times they’re just moving on. but im just taking it so hard.#in ways that are so… unhealthy and abnormal and hard to carry and hard to live through. and again living in fear that it will happen one#more time and i’ll be truly alone then. but then it’s like silly tess pepprs you already WERE alone! because nobody can meet the four needs#except for you… or like a significant other if you could get around your psychic block 🥰 but yeah. i am not functioning well and i#don’t know how to get the relief and healing i need because it’s a process etc etc. i just wish this wasn’t happening. i feel so wounded and#bruised and horrible rn. like my heart physically hurts… ermmmmm 😳‼️#also im namedropping at this point idec. i feel bad about it and i shouldn’t but imgonna give myself and my future self this one today LOL
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Watched Dungeons & Dragons yesterday and what a fun movie??? I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would?? Also… Xenk… 😳 hello… Also the amount of people that bought MULTIPLE OF THOSE LIMITED D20 BUCKETS… those were at least $30 each, but they were pretty cool but damn saw someone w 10🧍
Anyway we didn’t get out until midnight and as we were walking back to the car, I realized my lil kuchipatchi plush I had hanging off my bag went missing!!! So hun ran back into the theater to look for it and found it under my seat!!! So glad he found it before the cleaning crew. Like if someone else saw it I’m sure they would’ve picked it up and kept it to themselves… or maybe they would’ve been like “wtf is this.” And throw it away AHHHHHH 😭❤️ My hero…
#ok it’s not rare but other listings of it were insanely expensive when I was first looking for this??#so to get it for $7… lucky#that blurry ass pic is so damn funny tho the insta relief I felt HAHA#I’ll never let you out of my sight again!!!#x#shrekeii
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ding dong hello it’s me at the door, it’s patreon reward time! 👯 this month we’ve got a nice wiggle arm, a cool flower coaster (!!), and a mini print for EVERYBODY on every tier because it was the two year anniversary at the end of october 🥳 get in on this by tomorrow night (nov 30) to get some mail from me!! 💌💌
#posting this at an absolutely awful time lmfao#if i get my shit together i’ll also send everybody a year in retrospective zine like i did last year but that’s looking increasingly#less likely#patreon tag#blockprinting#block print#linocut#relief print#printmaking#art tag#ftr the mini print won’t be offered at all in the store & it’s doubtful m/any of the pink arms will go in bc i didn’t print many#and if i reprint them it’ll probably be black bc the pink sucks to use#SO…… u could get some exclusives !!
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I’m kinda bored might run into traffic to feel something
#way to often do i imagine myself getting hit by a car#the only reason I still look both ways before crossing the street#is so they driver doesn’t feel any grief for hitting another person#even if I feel a sense of relief as my bones crush#as pain wrap around my body like my childhood blanket#I’ll feel the comfort of death nearing me#as the sirens come closer yet sound far#too far to do anything#but the driver shouldn’t feel grief#all I wanted was to feel#pain seems like the only option#when everything else is out of reach
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