#My life has been RAPIDLY spiralling downwards since school started | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

soldrawss · 4 years ago

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I’m literally begging. I need more of your human aus. They’re so wholesome!!!!

I am always up for more BBM AU so! Here’s a mini-story I wrote when Zach asked if Raph has any underlying ptsd or fears about being alone!

Raph was fine till he was about 7. He doesn't remember his mom, and he barely remembers dad, and Mikey would sooner have a heart attack than leave Raph ALONE alone, so Raph didn't really grow up with the fear of being alone cause he's never really experienced it. He’s always had Mikey. He’s always had Leo and Donnie. It’s never occurred to him that that could ever change. That he could ever not have his big brothers there by his side. But it's during one, late-night when everything kinda just lets loose to the idea that Raph COULD be separated from the rest of them, and really it all goes downhill from there. It's the night Leo came home with a black eye and bruised jaw. Leo said he just got into an accident, to not ‘worry about it, bud. I’m gucci’, and since Donnie didn't say anything about it and Mikey got to stay home for the night to be with them, Raph didn’t worry about it. Cause if his brothers said it was all OK, then it was, because it always had been before, and Raph figured it always would be like that, cause big brothers just had that power to make everything better. They’d never lied to Raph before. This was no different. But then he wakes up that night because he has to go to the bathroom, and he slides himself out from under Mikey's arm. (they had fallen asleep on the couch to a Lou Jitsu marathon, which was rare, cause they never watched dad’s old movies cause it made Mikey sad sometimes to remember dad. But he was in a reminiscent mood, so they threw a couple on and wow, Raph was kinda star-eyed and soft gasps, cause dad was kinda AWESOME) And Mikeys snoring gently, so tired his body is like a dead weight on top of Raph, and Raph's arm is a little numb from where Mikey was drooling on it. And as he's walking through the dark hallway, knowing the layout by heart so he didn’t bother risking turning on the lights in case he woke up Mikey, he tiptoes on sock-clad feet, until he notices a light coming from Dee and Leo’s room. And there are soft voices coming from the barely cracked door, and Raph is super never one to snoop, but theirs a curiosity bubbling in him and he can't help but detour from the bathroom ever so slightly, because he DOES have to go to the bathroom, but a few seconds of listening in won't kill him, and his big brothers NEVER let him in on their secret conversations. So Raph leans in, his ear pressed as close to the crack as he dared- "It was stupid, that's what! Do you know how much trouble you could have been in? You could have been expelled, Leo! It could have gone on your permanent record!" And oh... that was Donnie's voice... and he sounded... well, he sounded mad... but more than that... he sounded... scared. "Well, it didn't. And you worry too much. Nothing was gonna happen. It wasn't like I got into a fight with the principal’s kid! They didn't do more than a slap on the wrist and a few weeks detention." And Leo.... Leo got into a fight? Raph didn't know that. Why didn't they tell Raph that? Why did they... lie to Raph?

Raph pressed himself closer to the door. The bathroom long-forgotten behind him.

"And that's the thing! YOU don't worry at all! God, you're so self-absorbed! Do you really not get how bad this could have been?" "Look, I said I was sorry about getting involved, but I'm not sorry for slugging Tatsu in the nose. They BROKE your glasses Dee, you can't expect me to NOT to get mad about that." "This isn't about that stupid fight with some bullies, Leo-" "Then what is it about Donnie?! Because you've been riding my backside about it all night, but haven't said a word why! Why are you still so mad at me about this?" "I'm not MAD at you, I'm-" "You’re what then? Is this about what they said? About Mikey and me? You’re mad because I stepped in and threw a punch before you could? You’re mad because I made you the victum here? Look, I know that you hate it when I meddle in your business and try to fight your fights for you but I’m-” "I’M SCARED YOU COULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY, YOU ASS HOLE!" And Leo seemed to be just as surprised as Raph felt. They had been talking in pretty quiet voices up until Donnie practically screamed that last part, and it sent an electric shock through Raph's whole system. And Raph couldn't see their facial expressions, he didn't dare move an inch closer to the door to peek inside, but he could tell from the hitch in Donnie's voice. Donnie was crying now. "You could have been.... You could STILL be.." Donnie sniffed, and Raph felt his own eyes sting in proxy. "Tatsu's dad didn't this time, but he could have very well made an issue out of this. He could have brought this to the attention of the school board. And then the school board would have had to call Draxum, or worse, Bishop, and you KNOW child services don't need a reason to separate us! Bishop will take one look at your black eye and blame everything on Mikey and then they'll take us AWAY Leo! Don't you get that?" And that... what did that mean? What was Donnie talking about? Take us away? Take us away where? Who was Bishop? What was child services? Raph's mind was spinning, like car wheels on ice with no traction to go anywhere. His feet felt planted to the floor, sunk right there into the carpet. "Wait.. wait what?... Bishop? He's still a thing? I thought he got switched out for that other agent?” "Just because he doesn’t do house visits anymore doesn’t mean he still isn’t our case holder. He can still ruin our lives just as easily from his cubicle," And Donnie didn't sound like he was crying anymore, but there was still a raw roughness to his voice that Raph was whole years not accustomed too. "Raph's a baby. Heck, WE'RE still considered babies in the eyes of the law. It won't take a whole lot for them to take even the slightest infraction to deem Mikey unqualified. And then what would happen? We could probably manage to stay together cause people are kinder on not separating twins, but what about Raph? They'll take Raph for sure and ship him off to the other side of the country and there'd be nothing we could do to stop it and-" And Raph stopped listening after that. because... Because... What? Raph could be sent away? There are people out there that could take Raph away from Leo and Donnie? Away from Mikey? And that easily? And why? Because Mikey wasn't good enough? That... That didn't make any sense? Mikey was the best! There was no one better than Mikey in the whole world! How could there be people who didn't see that? And didn't they know that Raph couldn't go anywhere without Mikey? It didn't make any sense. None of it. But there was a pounding boom in Raph's chest that made it hard to breathe. His head spun, like he was just gone 4 rounds on the merry-go-around on the pier, and Raph couldn't THINK straight. He ran back towards the living room, he didn't care if he made any noise. He didn't care about anything really, at that moment. All he cared about was... Mikey. Still asleep and drooling on the couch from where Raph left him, and Raph practically jumped on top of his chest and clung onto his big brother for dear life, pressing his tear stained face into the front of Mikey's shirt. "Ouuufff! Hey- Hey Raph. You ok?" Mikey says in a startled slur, eyes blinking rapidly to tear away from sleep. His arms wrapped around Raph instinctually, like his body new what to do before his mind could catch up, and it felt like the most natural security blanket in the world to Raph. He cried harder into Mikey's chest. "Hey shhhhhh-shhhhhhhhh, buddy, it's ok. Breathe." Mikey was sitting up now, sleep all but forgotten as he stared down at the 7-year-old attached to his front, rubbing slow and gentle circles into Raph's back. "Raphie it's ok. You're ok sweetheart. You're safe and sound right here. Was it a nightmare? Did you have a bad dream?" And it sure felt like it. The world was spinning rapidly in a downward spiral of breathtaking hurt, just like a lot of Raph's nightmares. Except the monsters were real. They were real and practically right outside Raph's door and they could take Raph away any SECOND and Raph couldn't respond to Mikey. He wouldn't respond days, even weeks, later, when Mikey askes about it. All he can do is cry. Cry like his heart is breaking in half, and cling onto the safest and only lifeline in the world that he knows.

Thus spiraling Raph into a "clingy" stage, where he's terrified to be left alone for too long. Terrified to be separated in the grocery store, INSISTING Mikey hold his hand the entire time. Terrified to go to school and be away from his brothers for too long. Terrified to even SLEEP alone in his bed. And it's so wild to Mikey, because at first, it was kinda cute how a little bad dream made his baby brother all clingy to his side, and Mikey kinda enjoyed the endless attention.

But then it started getting a bit too close to real, actual hysteria and paranoia that Raph was dealing with, and it took a mental breakdown on Raph's part, after Mikey had been a little late picking him up from school one day, because Leo and Donnie both had extracurriculars, and usually Raph just hangs out in the playground and waits for Mikey to come. But this time, he's crying his eyes out, pale and breathless and endlessly fussy with his teachers by the time Mikey arrives, and he clings unto Mikey, like he'd never see Mikey again, and Mikey HAS to have a talk with him, because what on earth could scare his brother as bad as THIS? And when Raph finally tells him, Mikey doesn't know what to do but hold him to his chest as tight as he can and whisper pretty half-truths to Raph to make him feel better. Because Mikey couldn't blindly let himself believe the "Of course! Nothing will ever take you away from me Raph, it's all ok! You have nothing to worry about! Your big brother will make sure all of you are all safe and ok! I promise kiddo. No one is taking anyone away. I won't let that happen." How could he? This was a very real fear. It was Mikey's Biggest fear on the daily. But he couldn't let Raph feel like this. To carry this fear and burden. That was too much for a 7-year-old. Mikey didn't even realize Leo and Donnie were aware of their situation to that degree.

And it puts seeded pits of fear in his chest, taking root in his heart and feeding into something dark and cold and fearful. But Mikey does his best to push it down. Push it away. Out of sight of Raph and Leo and Donnie. And he smiles and laughs and presses kisses to Raph's temple and carries his baby brother piggyback all the way home, because he'll carry whatever weight his brothers are dealing with. Take on any fears. as long as they don't have to face them alone. As long as Mikey can still protect them, for as long and as hard as he can, then when the day comes that Bishop DOES show up at their door, he'll be ready for him.

#bbm au #big brother mikey au #rottmnt #rottmnt human #oh opps here some sad now

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angerissuesandrews · 5 years ago

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Hello! Welcome to the Reddie Fic Rec!

Please make sure you read all tags on fics before reading!

Have fun and enjoy :)))

Created by Evan (@iwannadie4000 on tiktok)

And special thanks to Charlie (@hippityhoppe on tiktok) for helping!

*CLICK HERE FOR THE GOOGLE DOC REC LINK!*

1. ON POINTE

by tossertozier (rednoseredhair); Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12519724

“Eddie was a freshman at Boston University of the arts, majoring in dance with a concentration in ballet. He went to sleep early, woke up earlier & took nothing for granted. He fucking hated his dorm neighbors, loud, obnoxious idiots who got drunk all the time. They didn't even know where the library on campus was. He didn't have any idea how the three of them, especially the one with curly hair, even GOT into that school.

2. BRIGHT AS YELLOW

by speakslow; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12786678

Highschool AU, Richie’s loud Eddie’s annoyed what do you expect

3. WONDER VIOLET

by belby; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13179045

Eddie’s friends with Richie’s sister ,,, you know what happens

4. GO WEST

by ssstrychnine; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12327069

“1996: Richie and Eddie finish school, drive to San Francisco, change their lives ft. hair braiding, a fake las vegas wedding, waterfalls, bumper cars, and approx. 3300 miles.”

5. I LEFT MY UMBRELLA AT HOME

by hippityhoppy; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22775233

“By 1996, the Losers are well into college. As they often do, life and time have distanced them in more ways than one. Richie, in an attempt to cling to the normalcy of the past in what feels like a steep slope into a downward spiral, ends up on an unfamiliar doorstep of an all too familiar friend. As if Eddie didn't have to deal with enough on his own plate. The both of them, they quickly come to find out, are unprepared for the storms to come.”

6. LOVESONG (A SERIES)*

by WaxAgent; Mature-Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/series/852234

“They're all connected, sure, but nothing comes close to the iron bonds between Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak; they have their ups and their downs, but they always have each other. A look at their lives from leaving Derry to being dragged back by a promise than both of them had long forgotten.”

*(OKAY EVAN HERE!!! I LOVE THIS FIC/SERIES SO MUCH BUT IN PART 2 IT HAS A STRANGER THINGS CROSSOVER WITH MIKE AND EL BUT I SAY SKIP THAT AND GO ON YOU DON'T MISS MUCH AND WE ALL KNOW IM SO ANTI-CROSSOVER OKAY BYE)

7. WHENEVER I’M ALONE WITH YOU

by stellarbisexual; Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12182691

“Losers in college. Richie's in an alternative rock band, and Eddie has flung himself into the queer scene.”

8. SAY THAT YOU’LL STAY

by speakslow; Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12474044

“Richie works at a shitty amusement park for the summer and meets some new friends. Set in 1997”

9. STAY FOR THE STORM

by inoubliable; Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15442848

“Richie and Eddie had become friends almost on sight. Since they met, most of Eddie's time in Los Angeles has involved Richie in some way.

It's a little different, now that they're both famous.

It's a little different, now that they're sleeping together.

Well, to be fair, they've been sleeping together for a long time, but. No one knows, not even their friends. Eddie has been very careful about that. It's just not the sort of publicity he needs.

So when Beverly calls him that sunny Thursday morning, the last thing he expects her to say is, ‘You're fucking Richie?’”

10. COFFEE AND CARNIVAL BEARS

by StarshipDancer; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12325209

“‘Eddie Kaspbrak knew how many germs were in a person’s mouth, and he would only swap spit with his fucking soulmate.’

Finding your soulmate should be pretty straightforward, but not for Eddie. Not when there were two possible candidates, and he had no idea which one it fucking was.”

11. LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY(S)

by Kandakickas; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12372279

“In which Richie and Eddie go to different colleges, and all of their friends are curious about their unnamed significant others - right up until those significant others come to visit and everyone is both shocked and confused.”

12. MEET ME HALFWAY

by ShowMeAHero; Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20667038

“‘Richie,’ Mike says sharply. “Who are you with? Why are you in Derry?”

‘Tell him,’ Eddie whispers again.

‘Is that Eddie?’ Mike asks.

‘Tell him, Richie,’ Eddie says again, louder.

‘Jesus Christ,’ Mike says, and Richie snaps, throwing his phone hard at the kitchen wall opposite them. The back smashes and the battery falls into a bowl soaking in the sink. There’s a beat of silence where Eddie and Richie stare at the battery floating in the soapy water.

‘Good work, Kobe,’ Eddie says.”

13. DREAMBOAT

by weepies; Not Rated

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14073438

“‘What are you? A third grader? What the fuck is this?’ Eddie asks. He looks at Richie, confused.

‘A list of fun stuff to do, duh. Can’t you read? I thought you were studying creative writing.’ Eddie glares at Richie, who raises his hands in surrender as he chuckles. ‘Okay, okay. Hear me out. Your professor tells you to write what you know, and you said you don’t know anything. Well, sugar, here’s your opportunity to learn something about yourself.’

Dumbfounded, Eddie cannot tear his eyes away from Richie, his mouth agape. ‘You’re insane,’ Eddie says.

‘And proud,’ Richie replies.

...

In which Eddie Kaspbrak is a writer with no ideas, and Richie Tozier is a coffee shop employee bursting with creativity.”

14. TO THE GUY AT THE BUS STOP:

by Ragno; Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12809109

“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, especially if the other side of the fence is Ireland and the grass is Eddie living his own life for the first time ever away from his mom. An International Students Exchange Program is what he needs to finally stand up for himself and doing what he really wants. Who cares if he won't know anybody there? Who cares if he'll be alone in a foreign country? Who cares if he won't have his car and will need to take the bus to go anywhere?? Okay, maybe Eddie does care about that last one…But, hey, at least the real grass is really greener there. Right?”

15. CLOSER THAN MOST

by tozierbraks; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14934062/chapters/34598660

“Richie was panting slightly when he reached out an arm and grasped the man’s shoulder a little too hard. He spun rapidly, stumbling backwards away from Richie, his deep brown eyes wide in shock.

‘Eds.’ Richie breathed, his stomach twisting.

Eddie’s wide eyes narrowed in confusion while his brows knitted downwards. He pulled his shoulder out of Richie’s grip

‘Sorry, do I know you?’

college au + forgetting!eddie fic”

16. SIGNED, SOMEONE

by roughentumble; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21096380/chapters/50195051

“A secret admirer/love letter AU. Richie starts leaving anonymous love letters in Eddie's locker.”

17. CLUE(LESS)

by endversed; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12468440

“Every person on this sorry planet wakes up on their seventeenth birthday with a soulmate mark somewhere on their body – but it’s not always easy to figure out. It’s not their name, or their first words to you, or even some kind of matching shape. It’s not anything clearly indicative; nothing concrete (at first).

No, all this mark gives you is a clue.”

18. FOR BLUE SKIES

by sunsetozier; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13978821

“Just as he’s beginning to shake himself out of his daze, his phone buzzes in his hand, a notification popping up at the top of his screen that makes his entire body freeze, reading and rereading it to make sure his eyes aren’t playing a trick on him. When the words don’t change, his jaw drops, an anxious excitement tingling just beneath his skin.

@trashmouthmusic followed you back!

[In which Richie posts anonymous covers on Twitter and Eddie is instantly infatuated with his voice.]”

19. OUR HOUSE, IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR HOUSE

by orphan_account; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12458046

“Whatever song your soulmate has stuck in their head is resultantly stuck in yours. Eddie, long suffering through mattress commercial jingles and old rock hits, imagines he would kill his soulmate if he had the chance. Or, he would, if he didn't think revenge was a better answer.”

20. MAYBE, MAYBE

by lisscor; Not Rated

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12841593

“The light was on again. The one in room 307. Richie wondered, not for the first time, who was up there.

Maybe one day, he would find out.

In which two insomniacs who have never met find comfort in the last place they would think to look - each other.”

21. MOST BELOVED

by idaemilia; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12160854/chapters/27598224

“‘But he had eyes like rain

and hair like waves

and a soul as vast and deep as the ocean

and I guess I didn't mind drowning in him’

-xvaniex on tumblr

Eddie keeps pining for Richie who is too blind to see it. But maybe he already knows.

*previously named Philtatos*”

22. TO WHAT WE MIGHT DO

by MacksDramaticShenanigans; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21709897

“He looks scared. More scared than Eddie’s ever seen him before. He looks nervous, too, and Eddie didn’t think it was even possible for Richie Tozier to get nervous.

But there he is. Looking like he's going to shit his pants or throw up all over himself. Eddie would be more worried about that if he still thought Richie was drunk.”

23. CROOKED HEARTS

by killerqueer; General Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13093371

The Monday before Christmas break, Eddie comes to school to find a yellow rose and a letter from a secret admirer taped to his locker. He's convinced it's a prank until the same thing happens the next day and then continues the rest of the week. He's determined to find out who is doing this, even though he's convinced himself that there's no way it could possibly be the one person he really wants it to be.

24. THE THIRD DATE RULE

by tinyarmedtrex; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13059960

“Bev drags Eddie along for her tattoo session, telling him that her artist is sex on a stick. She's right, Eddie likes him immediately- if only he wouldn't talk so much.

AU where Richie is a tattoo artist and Eddie pretty much just wants to work in HR and be left alone.”

25. PARENT TEACHER ASSOCIATION (PTA)

by reddiebitch; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13773060

“In which Eddie is Richie's kid's first grade teacher.”

26. FAKING IT

by domino1234; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18023273

“The obnoxiously pretty boy with the filthy mouth across the hall manages to convince Eddie to spend spring break pretending to be his boyfriend at his family’s lake house. Can Eddie put his unrequited crush aside to play up the charade for a week or will his feelings inevitably get in the way?”

27. Nightmares

by MargotCelvin; Teen and Up Audiences

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15515028

“Richie Tozier is trying to start over in New York. He left California behind and wants to leave his old life there as well. The only thing holding him to his old life are the nightmares that have plagued him for so long. But is there something in New York that can cure him of this disease?”

28. FREAKING OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD

by bearkwans; Explicit (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19342543

“Richie thinks that this is what being a father is like. He sure fucking feels like a father, dropping all of his plans to take care of his pet, making very specific google searches and running around his apartment like a madman, grabbing toys and a blanket and a few mice in a tupperware bowl. He knows logistically that everything he’s grabbing is useless and what he really needs is a chill pill and maybe some whiskey to soothe his shaking hands, but Richie can’t help the way his paternal side wakes up and takes control of his mind.

“[or: richie's pet snake is sick and he goes to see vet eddie ;) ;)]”

29. SUGAR, HONEY, HONEY

by thefutureisbright; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17376344

“Eddie works in a bakery. His life was finally simple. He loved his job, he loved his friends, he loved his shitty little apartment with its shitty little balcony. He loved the plants he kept on his balcony. He loved that he could see the New York skyline when it was an especially clear day. He loved that he lived nowhere near his mother. Eddie loved his quiet, simple life.

Until he met Richie fucking Tozier, and his life was never simple again.”

30. THE BLIND BOX

by tinyarmedtrex; Mature (18+)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13728915

“Eddie works at Gamestop and a dark haired stranger comes in and starts flirting with him. Eddie doesn't think much of it until they keep meeting.

Another College AU! Because why the hell not”

#reddie #fanfiction #reddie fanfiction #fanfic rec #richie tozier #eddie kasbrak #richie and eddie #it #it chapter two #it chapter 1 #it 2017 #it 2019 #fanfic #ao3 #archive of our own #richie x eddie

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calamity-callie · 4 years ago

Text

New Beginnings ~ Wiztober Day 1

Edited by @spiralcompendium

“So.” The single, stern word broke a heavy silence that had been present since their private airship left the port in Hamamitsu. “How was your first year at the Imperial City Dragon Academy?” Alia flinched. They had been hoping and praying that this question would never come but knew it was inevitable. ‘Why did it have to be this soon though?’ they cried internally, cursing themself for not already having a full speech prepared for this. “Well?” their mother snipped impatiently, interrupting Alia’s thought process. Under pressure to deliver positive results, they opened their mouth to reply and a flood of words poured out.

“Dragon Academy? Oh, it was great!!! The Imperial City is such a cool place, and I loved seeing the inside of the Imperial Palace - did you know it contains 75 bedrooms?! 75!!! Also -”

“Alia,” came the first interruption.

“Also it turns out I have a natural talent for gardening! See I joined the gardening club and I was the only first year in the history of the school to actually raise a maelstrom snap dragon to elder! A Maelstrom! Snap! Dragon! That’s senior level stuff!!! Oh oh also -”

“Alia…” their mother interrupted again, this time with slightly more insistence.

“- alsoalsoalso it turns out I’m real good at alchemy, too! So much so that a potions vendor in the city took me as an apprentice! My first job, and something I love too! Can you believe it?!?!? Also also oh oh also also also -”

“ALIA!” The third interruption came as a full on yell. They gasped, taken aback by the intensity. “You know exactly what I mean. I don’t care about your extracurricular activities, your clubs, or how many bedrooms the palace has. Your grades. Let me see them.”

“Well, I got one A, uhhhh...” Alia trailed off, panicking. Their off-the-cuff plan hadn’t turned out quite how they hoped. As they desperately tried to brainstorm ways to stall for more time though, their mother, growing ever more impatient, demanded yet again, “Show me your grades. Now.”

Defeated, a crestfallen Alia opened up their bag, pulled out an official looking envelope, and handed it off without a word. The seconds felt like hours as their mother peeled off the wax seal, opened the top flap, and pulled out the parchment inside. Her face morphed from concentration, to confusion, to rage. She opened her mouth as if to yell, but at the last second changed her mind. Putting the sheet back into the envelope, she simply said, “We will discuss this with your father when we get home.” Not a single word was uttered for the rest of the flight.

Some hours later, the two arrived at their home in Kembaalung. Their father initially greeted them with a smile and open arms, but their mother quickly trotted over to him and they began talking in hushed tones. After a moment their father turned with a grim face and said, “Alia. Go to your room. We will call you when we are ready to talk.”

“Talk. Great. They want to Talk.” Alia laid on their bed, speaking their thoughts aloud, thankful for the magical soundproofing their parents tended to use during their private conversations. Looking over at the bookshelf on the opposite wall, they contemplated how things ever got to this point. The shelf was full of thick tomes on dragon magic: grimoires they could remember being forced to read and memorize for hours at a time, beginning as soon as they learned to read. They had every word of every thick volume on that shelf memorized, but not a single line made any sense. This collection of facts served them well enough to pass the entrance exam though, and they held out hope that maybe actual teaching would be the missing link; maybe seeing these incomprehensible concepts in action would be all it took to help them finally understand this strange breed of magic. Unfortunately as the school year wore on, they only found themself falling farther and farther behind, and though they aced every written test, they never managed to cast a single spell.

“I really just am a failure aren’t I,” they muttered, burying their face in a pillow. Their mind began to race with all sorts of possibilities. “I’m going to get lectured, I’m gonna be confined to the indoors for the whole season reading these awful books again and again, I’m gonna be kicked out, they’re never going to want to talk to me again, I’m a disappointment to the whole family…” Their thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a loud knock. Jolted out of their downward spiral, Alia slowly crawled out of bed and opened the door. Their parents, stiff and stern as ever, marched in as Alia sat back down on their bed. The silence was thick with tension when their father opened his mouth to speak.

“We are… disappointed in you, Alia. You failed every class.” The lecture began in a smooth yet stern tone, but Alia wasn’t fooled. The escalation was imminent. “I just… I just can’t believe you failed every class!” A thick lump began to form in their throat as his speech heated up. “You studied those books every day! You had everything memorized and aced the entrance exam! All of our hopes were riding ON YOU, ALIA!” As the lecture finally escalated to full on yelling, they felt tears begin to well up but tried their best to force them down as the lecture continued. “Have you forgotten that we are the oldest clan of warrior monks in all of Mooshu??? And now thanks to THIS-” he held up the parchment, displaying all seven failing marks, and the single passing grade “- OUR TRADITION IS OVER!! OVER!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU HAVE FAILED US??? WHERE DID WE GO WRONG!?!?!?!”

Alia stood up and burst into tears. “I don’t know what more you want from me okay??? I read your stupid books, I memorized your stupid facts, I did everything you wanted me to do, but you never even cared about what I WANT!” Her father prepared to yell in response, but before he could Alia shouted again, “I never wanted to be a STUPID FUCKING WARRIOR MONK ANYWAY! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!” With that, they stormed out of the house, leaving a deafening silence behind.

Dusk began to fall as Alia sat on a bench next to a frozen lake. Though it was the middle of summer, Kembaalung was always cold and snowy, and this night was no exception. They huddled in a blanket and began to sob uncontrollably. How had their life come to this? Through the frozen tears their mind began to wander into dark places again. “Where will I spend the night? Nobody here will take me in, they’re all monks… I don’t even have any friends… Does anyone even really care? I could just sit here on the bench and freeze…”

Their thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a splash of green in their peripheral vision. They turned to look and, despite the freezing temperatures, a single young plant had sprouted out of the snow. Alia got up, walked over to it, then kneeled down, cupping their hands around the base. “You understand what it’s like, don’t you?” they muttered. With a pang of empathy, they cupped their hands closer and started softly singing. The snow around the plant began to melt as a single sunbeam materialized, piercing the night seemingly from nowhere. Alia sang louder and closed their eyes, truly becoming engulfed in their song, letting the melody flow through their entire body. As if channeling power from old Bartleby himself, the sprout grew, slowly at first but then quite rapidly. When the song came to an end, Alia, feeling calm and peaceful for the first time all day, opened their eyes. Before them was a now tall, proud sunflower towering in defiance over the whole cold landscape. They stared in awe for a short time, but were again snapped out of it upon hearing footsteps in the snow from behind.

“So it seems you do have a knack for gardening then.” The sharp voice instantly brought Alia back to reality. They turned their head and saw their mother standing there, arms folded. “I’ve come to collect you. Now, come.” Alia began to protest but realized that they didn’t have much choice. They grudgingly began following her back to the family home.

The next morning, Alia trudged downstairs, awaiting the fallout of yesterday’s scene. As expected, both parents were seated and silently gestured for Alia to join them. As they sat down, their father began speaking. “Your mother told me of everything that happened at the lake last night. You channeled the Song of Creation, didn’t you?” Alia gasped, but before they could speak, their father continued. “We have decided you will enroll in Ravenwood, effective immediately. You are free to choose your own path from there.” Alia’s face lightened up for a moment as her father continued. “But there will be conditions. You may no longer associate yourself with our family. You no longer share our last name, you no longer share our lineage. You will be welcome here for short visits until you come of age, at which point you will be expected to find your own way. Do you accept this arrangement?”

Alia sat, dumbstruck at what had just laid out before them. Leaving their home forever was a terrifying proposition, but after only a single minute of thought, they confidently said, “Yes. I accept.”

For the first time in their life, Alia saw shock on their parent’s faces. It was soon wiped off and replaced by the typical stony looks, but it was unmistakable. “V-very well,” their father stammered as the shock wore off. “We depart immediately. Your first day is tomorrow.”

------ One Week Later ------

Alia sat alone at a table in one of the many Wizard City student dining facilities, again deep in thought. “Was it even worth coming here?” they asked themself. “Classes are fine I guess, but I haven’t met any friends here, I don’t know anyone who lives here at all, my parents will probably never want to see me again… Oh, what have I gotten myself into this time… Maybe they’ll take me back if I ask -”

“Mind if I sit here?”

The voice snapped them out of their spiral of thoughts as a girl who looked to be about the same age as them sat down. “First week’s rough, huh? I struggled to adjust at first too, but don’t worry, it’s gonna be great! Heyyyy, now that I think of it, I’ve seen you in some of my classes, haven’t I? You’re Alia, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” Alia responded somewhat hesitantly, holding out their hand to shake.

“My name’s Keira,” she said as she ignored the hand and went in for a full hug. “And I can already tell we’re gonna be best friends!”

#wiztober2020 #w101 #wizard101 #wizzy101 #wizzy fanfic #Alia is my smallest oc I love them #and Keira is my gf's oc!

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probably-writing-x · 5 years ago

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Two sides.

Polo x Reader

Request by anon: Request // from ep 1 polo’s entrance returning to school after the incident, the reader can’t choose a side between her best friend (polo) and her other friends (everyone else) i hope that makes sense

Gif is not my own

Requests are open 🤍

The tension that fell around school felt like enough to bring the walls crashing down around you. Everyone silenced. So much so that the lack of sound felt deafening. Nothing. Nobody dare utter a word at the sight of who stood before them. Slowly, but with such cautious certainty, Polo came walking down the stairs. He looked like he should be the boy from before. He still had the rucksack over his shoulders and his uniform pristine as always. But the cold, deathly look on his face sent a shiver down your spine. Like he was void of all emotion now.

“Come on (Y/n), he’s not worth our attention,” Lu encourages from beside you and you notice then that the rest of the group had started leaving. You’d been frozen to your spot.

“Right, yeah, lets go,” You shake out of your daze, trying to avoid taking another glance in Polo’s direction.

The group blend into chatting about something and you force yourself to remain involved, laughing whenever they do even if your responses are a little delayed. Before it had been revealed that Polo was the one responsible for Marina’s death, you’d always been the closest of friends. You’d known each other since you were little, been the one to get him with Carla in the first place, and slowly fallen for him whilst he dated her. When you’d found out what he’d done, it was like that whole opinion of him came crashing down painfully quickly. You were reluctant to call him a murderer. How could you possibly give such a title to one of your best friends?!

“What do you think (Y/n)?” Carla speaks up, “Don’t you agree?”

You glance at her and feel yourself fighting against the urge to scream at her for betraying him in the way she had. She’d convinced him that he was no longer good enough. Maybe that had been what had triggered his downward spiral. That he had become so caught up in proving his worth to Carla. Or maybe there would never be a valid way of excusing what they boy had done.

“Yeah, sure, excuse me,” You stand up from the table and head out into the empty corridor, wanting nothing more than to catch your breath from the mental marathon youd been trying to keep up with.

An empty corridor might have been a slight exaggeration. In fact, there was one other person that made these corridors feel far from empty. Sat on the stairs that he’d made his entrance on only moments ago, was Polo.

“(Y/n),” He says, standing up when he sees you.

“Hey,” You respond, folding your arms over yourself, “How are you?”

“As okay as I can be,” He replies, “You?”

“Likewise,” You force a smile.

“I would’ve told you I was coming back but it-“ He stops himself, “You know what my Mums are like.”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess so,” You nod, pulling your arms even tighter around your torso like you somehow wanted to protect yourself.

“Listen (Y/n), I...” He strifes one step forward and it’s simply instinct when you flinch back, practically cowering away from him.

Your heart races unnaturally in your chest as you glance back up to meet his eyes.

“You’re scared of me?” He speaks it as though it’s a question but the drop of his shoulders tells you he already knows the answer.

You look over your shoulder to make sure there’s nobody else around to see you conversing with the sworn enemy, “I should go.”

“So this is how it is now? Them over me?” He questions as you turn your back to him, “I’ve lost you too?”

Your path away from him tells him an answer louder than your words could’ve done.

You take your seat back at the desk and try to relax back into the class as though your best friend accused of murder was not just one walk away. Guzmán turns in his chair and looks at you with a frown settling between his brows.

“Everything good (y/n)?” He asks quietly, quiet enough that nobody else had to hear.

You look at him and force a gentle smile, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He reaches back a hand and squeezes yours in a friendly manner, “You know where I am.”

You couldn’t imagine how he was feeling. Understanding that one of his closest friends had ended his sisters life sounded like something overwhelming to even think about, let alone be living in. What scared you was that you were now becoming real friends with him, whilst your best friend had been the one that caused all of his suffering.

- - - - - -

The next day you’re sat around for lunch with everyone, adamant that today could just be a normal day. Ander makes a joke about something and Lu makes a sassy comment in response. Somehow, it feels like you could just settle into this group and feel no guilt or remorse for what had happened with you and Polo.

That doesn’t last long in a place like this.

“(Y/n), can I speak to you?”

The words are simple but they feel like a dead weight falling flat on the centre of the table. Everyone stops eating like the food has become completely sickening. And you all simply just freeze for a second that seems to last forever.

When you turn around, Polo is looking at you with pleading, lonely eyes.

“Please, (Y/n)...” He trails off, “I need to talk to you.”

“Share with the group, Polito,” Lu encourages, gesturing around the table, “We’re all friends here.”

“Just leave Polo,” You say quietly, “Please.”

“(Y/n) I just need to-“

“She told you to go,” Guzmán speaks up beside you, his words like daggers through the thick settling of tension.

“It’s okay Guzmán,” You try to assure him but his eyes are already red with fury.

“She told you to fucking go!” He raises his voice, standing up from his chair as he gets a grasp on Polo and shoves him back.

The weakened boy stumbles against the force and has no hope of fighting back. Or maybe just sees no reason in doing so.

“Stay the fuck away from me, away from all of us. Do you understand me?” Guzmán yells through seething anger, “You’re a fucking murderer!”

Polo flinches and cowers at the words. You stand up like you have any hope of doing something but you’re not really sure what you would do if you could. Would you reach out for Guzmán and tell him it’s okay, even hug him if he got upset? Or would you pull him away from Polo and take that boy as far away as you could? It terrifies you that you even have to consider the options.

“It’s okay (Y/n),” Guzmán sighs as he sits down beside you, “He won’t be bothering you anymore.”

You sink back down into your seat but it doesn’t feel the same. You stick out like a sore thumb around this group without the boy that had always been by your side. Lunch doesn’t feel the same when he’s not there to hoover up any leftovers you have or share his drink with you. Your food is left untouched and your words kept to yourself, simply just holding the fork in your hand until you feel the first tear drop against the reflective metal. You’re thankful when nobody says a word, all wrapped up in their own silence just like you.

- - - - - -

It’s as you’re walking into school the next day that things change. Polo rushes over and grabs your arm just as you’re about to walk through the doors.

“(Y/n) please just talk to me...” He sighs, a frown falling between his brows and accenting the lonely shadow of his eyes.

You glance around you and finally back to him, “Not here.”

With that, you lead him away and round the back of school where the two of you find a dry spot amongst the grass to sit on. You pull your knees to your chest and pray that you aren’t as scared as you were last time you were alone with him.

“I’m completely alone (Y/n). I’ve lost Carla, Christian, Guzmán, Ander... I’ve lost you,” He shakes his head, “I’m supposed to be coming back to school to continue a normal life, this feels far from normal.”

“Can you blame us? You were accused of murder, Polo!” You raise your voice a little bit drop it to a hushed tone soon after, “I apologise if we’re all a little shaken up by that.”

“Do you think I did it?” He asks, brows furrowing as he looks at you so intensely you feel like there’s nobody else in the world.

You take a deep, shaky breath and look at the boy you’d managed to flip your opinion of so rapidly that it scared you, “I want you to tell me if you did. Be completely honest with me Polo. Because I’ve got people convinced that you have and people convinced you havent. And I need just once for someone to tell me the fucking truth.”

He’s silent, consumed so heavily by the words that would follow, “I didn’t mean to do it... I never wanted to...”

“It was an accident,” You state simply, already knowing the answer he’d just spoken before the words left his lips, you’d known long ago, “But that still doesn’t change the fact that you killed Marina.”

“I never wanted to hurt her... I just-“

“Polo stop,” You stand up instantly, “I can’t do this, I need to get to class.”

“So what is it then?” He speaks up, your back now facing him as he does, “Them over me?”

It pained you to think it but that was the case. Despite never being 100% certain that Polo had killed Marina, you’d chosen that group. The innocent over the possibly guilty. It was the easy choice of course. Did you have an obligation to remain loyal to Polo? Maybe. But sometimes obligations have their exceptions. And as you walked away from him, you took it as the complete biggest exception that you could.

When you walk back up to school, Guzmán is stood near the lockers. He smiles when he sees you and waves, walking to catch up with your path and walk beside you.

“Everything okay?” He asks, offering you a little frown as he must see the fear in your face.

You glance to him and blink a few times to try to focus on anything but the idea of a murder confession happening on the grass outside of school.

“I’m really sorry about Marina, Guzmán. I don’t think I’ve ever fully said that to you.”

He stops in his tracks and frowns, “What are you talking about?”

You swallow the lump in your throat, “I guess I just felt guilty, like I had some part in it because of-“

“Polo,” He states for you, “What did he say to you (Y/n)?”

You look towards the doors that have just opened as Polo walks inside. So oddly calm after such a confession.

“What did he tell you?”

“I’m so sorry Guzmán,” You whisper, giving him the confession he didn’t need to hear before he’s launching in the direction of his past best friend. Those words had given him more than he needed to know. Everything he’d been reluctant to accept.

Polo glances up and swallows the lump in his throat, his eyes not faltering to leave yours. In that moment, he’s completely certain that he’s too far gone now. He’d never get his best friend back.

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nottskyler · 5 years ago

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Dear In-Laws,

I gave you the pamphlet about Transgender people from the National Center for Transgender Equality in hopes that you would understand more of what I’m going through and why I decided to transition. I honestly feel like you never read it because how could you read it and then decide that continuing to use my dead name and pronouns was a good idea?

What I want you to know was repeated several times in different ways: “Trying to repress or change one’s gender identity doesn’t work; in fact, it can be very painful and damaging to one’s emotional and mental health.”, “Telling someone that a core part of who they are is wrong or delusional and forcing them to change it is dangerous, sometimes leading to lasting depression, substance abuse, self-hatred, and even suicide.”, “For some transgender people, the difference between the gender they are thought to be at birth and the gender they know themselves to be can lead to serious emotional distress that affects their health and everyday lies if not addressed.”. Or in my own words, I’ve been broken and lost all my life and I found the way to heal, be supportive and love me in my efforts. I would not dare walk down this path if it wasn’t so that I could be made whole through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I realize a major issue that leaves people from understanding what it means to be transgender is that all the definitions and explanations out there talk about it in scientifically sterile terms. That’s their job since individual experience is varied. I also think the major discourse around whether or not a person has gender dysphoria has been a major negative in this realm as well, leaving people to believe that people are doing this just for fun.

Here is what it really has been like. I have had depression as long as I can remember. I don’t remember too much past puberty, so I think that was the start of it all. Beyond after school activities and school and homework, I had no life because I was depressed. My “hobby” was to take naps which was really to cry or just lay there without the strength to do anything. This is why I pushed myself into so many different activities because I knew I had no strength to do anything on my own. My fun-loving personality that loved to sing and dance and do exciting things was rapidly eroding.

I simply assumed that it was simply the ails of being a teenage girl in a world that hated teenage girls. I ate up a lot of feminist ideology and thought that my dissatisfaction with being female had to do with society at large because that’s what everyone says. I didn’t realize that normal girls did have some comfort in their own skin alone because that was when I felt it the worst.

I don’t think people understand how terrible it is to feel like a stranger in their own body, how alienating, how it hinders you from existing how you are want to exist. The experience in and of itself is terrible and people with body image issues really need to get help because it hurts and prevents you from living your life. Then, on top of all of that baggage, comes the debilitating depression and suicidal thoughts that I’ve fought the majority of my life. I’ve had therapy and I’ve learned how to cope and handle these thoughts, but they still keep coming no matter how much I try to avoid negative thinking and the downward spiral.

Turns out what triggers those thoughts and feelings is my body. Any movement or seeing myself in a mirror or any reminder of what I am on the outside send this feeling my way no matter how much I try to change my perception of myself and my body or my identity and the gender assigned to me at birth. I have tried so hard to be comfortable in my own skin, but it is my own skin against me. I had no power and I was losing more and more of myself every day, laying in bed without the energy and motivation to get up and face a new day.

Then I discover that what I am experiencing is gender dysphoria. An idea I had avoided my entire life because being “trans is a choice” and “trans women/men aren’t real women/men”. I knew I was a goner when I was standing in a changing room full of women and wished they saw me as a trans woman. I knew at that moment that my perception of trans people was wrong and that I was in their same shoes. In that moment, I committed to living my life as a woman because I felt that was what Gd wanted from me, but Gd sent the challenge from President Nelson to read the Book of Mormon so I would quickly learn that I was wrong in that regard as well.

Without cultural pressures within the Church and the conservative environment in which I was raised, the choice would be between being in bed all day, depressed and unable to get myself to do projects that took more than a few hours or take a bold step and begin to transition and start to have a life again. It wouldn’t be a question without the beliefs and worldview that trans people are lying and pretending just to get places.

If there is a choice in being trans, it is choosing to live instead of dying every day. I wanted to be present in my own life and made this choice. Gd understood what was necessary to get me on the path and gave me all the spiritual blessings and change of heart that I’ve been seeking my entire life to show me that this was my path, that this was the only way for me to gain my own exaltation. And it is clear how this is true because I can’t serve when I’m stuck in bed, I can’t radiate the spirit of love when it takes all my love to keep me living, I can’t experience the joy of the gospel when I am living in despair. I am choosing life and you are rejecting me for it.

I know the truth of my existence challenges your worldview and that is something difficult to cope with, but I had hoped you had enough love in you to choose love over being right. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is about changing your worldview, repentance would be incomplete without it. You are rejecting me and the Gospel of Jesus Christ by choosing to dead name me. Nothing you do will be able to take my testimony of my identity away from me. The only thing you can do is harm the relationship and trust we had.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is about agency and choice. You have the choice to love me for who I am or to support ideologies that are not founded in doctrine or science. You have the choice between distancing yourself from your son and his spouse or embracing a new understanding about the world and yourself. You have the choice to take a step of faith and trust or to spurn it in favor of the familiar and comfortable. I ask you to reconsider and to change course.

Sincerely,

Your son-in-law

Skyler

#dear mormons #lgbt #trans #Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints #rant #i am dreading thanksgiving with them #i couldn't sleep because this was on my mind #i really want to tell them this to their face #but I will have to talk to my husband about how they would take it and if there is a better way to relay all these feelings #i'm so done with the i'm just gonna use your deadname because anything else makes me uncomfortable #try feeling that 24/7 and then having everyone refuse to help you heal #i might say more about the people 'not having gender dysphoria' being trans discussion #but finding the words to properly portray what I feel on the subject is difficult

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handle-with-utmost-care · 7 years ago

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Cheerleader/Soccer player PART 5

Ok so I wrote this series years ago (i think like 4 yrs lmao) and I had a very uncharacteristic urge to finish several stuff I have lingering about..

and this was one of them…IDK If anyone is still interested in reading? Lol or even remember? Or maybe you’re new here bc of riptide but lmao surprise I wrote this cringe drabble that turned into a 5 part fic :)

I am like...70% embarrassed by this fic bc i hate mostly every previous part. it was hard to continue bc I had to get over my crippling distaste for sudden POV changes. maybe someday when I’m not too caught up in my own procrastination I’ll go back and rewrite and flesh out this mess and post it on AO3, but for now this’ll have to do.

to the person constantly harassing me to finish it YOU KNOW WHAT ANNIE I FUCKING IFNALLY DID IT OKAY. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU ASS! @cherylsbosom

also apologies for any typos

PART 5

“Alright, status report girls.”

“I thought we were dropping the fancy lingo?”

“Yeah it’s kinda confusing to keep up with.”

“Status report,” Ally Brooke repeats, sharply eyeing the girls on her bed.

She had invited Dinah and Normani after school to continue discussing a potential plan B.

But from the looks of it, Ally’s got the distinct impression that that’s the last thing on their minds. If their giggling over Dinah’s phone was any obvious indication.

Ally clears her throat pointedly. When that has no effect, Ally stomps her foot. “Girls!”

Dinah drops her phone and Normani’s laughter immediately tapers off.

“We have to focus here. Lives are at stake,” Ally says, as she flips open to the newest empty page in her notepad.

Normani gives her a look of disbelief. Ally almost flushes at the expression, because, okay, maybe she is still getting a bit carried away with this Operation Camren thing.

But she had convinced herself that Camila and Lauren were both too stubborn to realize the obvious. This was all for the sake of love.

And Ally was a firm believer in doing things for the sake of love.

Her eyes glance down at the notepad in time to realize she had already spelled out the mortifying title. She hastily scribbles it out before the girls can see. Normani’s expression turns into an annoyed eye roll.

Fortunately she doesn’t comment, much to the Ally’s relief.

“Mila’s not doing so well,” Dinah says, finally returning her complete attention on the topic at hand. “She’s been ditching soccer practice lately and she never wants to leave her room whenever I try to invite her to go out.”

Ally figured as much. It’s been almost a month since that awful incident at the party, an incident that Camila has been very close lipped about.

Ally had lost count of the number of times she tried to get the girl to open up. Inevitably, each time had always ended in a very indignant frown and an annoyed: “Just drop it Ally, everything is fine, okay?”

Ally wouldn’t press after that. But it was clear that everything most definitely was not okay.

“Lauren is bitchier than usual and I don’t think it has anything to do with the freshman cheerleaders fucking up the pyramid formation,” Normani admits after a while.

Ally sighs at this. She’d been aware of the head cheerleader’s mood swings, witnessing a firsthand account of it yesterday when Lauren completely chewed out a freshman for missing a step in the routine. An honest mistake that really didn’t deserve such a harsh scolding.

Ally had tried to calm Lauren down at the time, but she was having none of it. Instead, Lauren had chosen to stomp off and cut practice short.

Normally, this wouldn’t exactly worry Ally. It wasn’t anything new for Lauren to throw tantrums when things weren’t going her way. But for the tantrums to be so closely followed by a complete emotional 180 was something to be concerned about. And recently Ally had caught Lauren in a state of severe melancholy.

It was a draining experience hanging out with the girls only to have Lauren bringing the atmosphere down with the frequent amount of times she would frown sadly. Or respond sadly. Or even just breathe sadly. Ally had lost count of the sudden urges to shake Lauren and demand what was wrong.

But then, Ally would catch Lauren staring at Camila.

And she had decided that perhaps leaving them alone really was the best option.

Ally plops down at the edge of the bed, defeated.

“And I really thought this was all going to work out.”

“Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,” Normani offers, as she inspects her nails. “Even though their horoscopes say they’re totally compatible.”

Ally doesn’t question how Normani even knows Camila’s birthday.

Another month passes. Another month of the same strained atmosphere. Ally is sure the rest of the cheerleaders have picked up on their leader’s flip flopped mood swings. The girls on the squad learned to leave a wide span between themselves and Lauren.

The soccer team wasn’t faring much better. Ally had noticed Camila’s performance out on the field had suffered drastically to the point that she’d been sitting out on the bench more often than not.

It was a dreary month for all of them, despite the rapidly approaching homecoming game. Something that she, Lauren, and Normani had excitedly talked about at the beginning of the school year was a topic that had been seemingly forgotten.

Yet the school didn’t share the same sentiment. Everywhere, people were buzzing with pregame excitement weeks before. Hallways were adorned with bright posters and decorations. The school’s PA always made sure to add a final comment reminding students to buy their tickets. Many conversations between classes were heard predicting the outcome of the game.

Today isn’t any different, Ally thinks as she pushes past a group of guys on the football team hyping the other up. She rolls her eyes. The action makes her stop before the cafeteria. She wasn’t like this. Usually she’d join in on the hype. Relish in it.

This whole Lauren and Camila is seriously putting a damper in my mental well being too.

She sighs, pushing through the double doors leading to the cafeteria, feeling a wave of despair at the thought.

The cafeteria is loud and rowdy. More than usual, Ally notices. Her eyes flit over to the source of the noise to find a growing throng of students near the far end of the room.

The shouts and jeers echo across the cafeteria walls, mixing into a cacophonous mess. Ally can’t exactly discern what is being said or cheered. But from the school spirit that’s been thrust in her face recently she thinks she has a pretty good guess.

For a moment, Ally panics that this was a planned lunch event she forgot about, or in one of Lauren’s irrational moods, she’d decided to have an impromptu pep rally to punish the squad.

Ally quickly rifles through her bag, pulling out her weekly planner. After flipping to the latest date, relief spreads through her chest.

No. No scheduled event.

More students gravitate towards the crowd. Ally pushes through several people, in the opposite direction, until she finds Normani.

“What’s going on?” Ally questions, sidling up beside the girl. Normani simply shakes her head.

“I don’t know.”

Ally opens her mouth but Normani quickly cuts in.

“And no, I don’t want to know.”

Ally pouts at her indifference.

The both of them make their way to their usual table. And when Lauren joins them a few moments later, she makes no indication that she’s noticed the unusual overly eager students.

Well that rules out an impromptu pep rally.

Lauren takes a seat. Ally immediately feels a wave of sympathy upon seeing her friend. She takes in Lauren’s miserable frown, the distressed knit of her eyebrows and downcast eyes.

This was probably worse than the random angry outbursts the past month. Seeing Lauren so dejected always managed to pull at her heartstrings.

“Hey girl,” Ally greets, moving to take the seat across from her. Lauren barely lifts up her gaze as she tosses her food with the fork in her other hand.

“Hey,” she answers, casting her eyes down upon the untouched food again.

“You want some of my fruit salad?” Normani probes.” My mom put in some mangos, I know you like them.”

Lauren doesn’t even flinch at the uncharacteristically nice gesture.

“Maybe later.”

Ally and Normani exchange a look. This behavior had seemed to be going further and further into a downward spiral as the weeks progressed. Ally was almost tempted to go through with her intervention.

Look how your meddling turned out.

Maybe Normani was right. Maybe it would be just best to leave them alone.

Ally sighs, before pulling out her own lunch.

The crowd continues to go on strong. The jeers and sneers reverberate throughout the lunchroom even more so than before.

Ally begins to notice that the majority of students are starting to swarm the crowd. Her eyes glance around the people trying to determine the situation. That’s when she realizes something that makes her stomach drop.

“I think that’s the soccer team’s table,” Ally says. The tone of her voice grabs both girls’ attention. She watches as Lauren’s eyes dart towards the crowd and the similar conclusion comes to her. Her expression instantly sparks to life.

Lauren is out of her seat before Ally has time to register anything. She doesn’t even have time to tell her to wait because in the next second Lauren is shoving people out of the way and disappearing among the mass of students.

“Come on,” Ally blurts out, tugging Normani up from her seat to chase after her.

Their process is a lot less effortless than Lauren who had people parting like the red sea after her aggressive pushes.

It’s probably because of the hastily muttered excuse me’s that fall from Ally’s lips. Eventually Normani becomes so frustrated that she just hollers a very loud MOVE.

The students finally part, allowing them to push through until they reach the table…. only to realize that they’re too late.

Ally feels her blood turn cold when she sees her friends.

Slowly, her senses come into focus. And she realizes, dizzily, that cheering she heard earlier were actually people chanting FIGHT.

Dinah and one of the freshmen on the cheer squad are in an intense hair pulling scuffle, while Lauren is on the floor trying to aim a punch on another beneath her, who Ally suddenly recognizes as the girl Lauren chewed out at practice what felt like forever ago.

Ally lunges forward trying to pull Lauren up from the girl, as Normani attempts to pry apart the two other girls beside them.

She manages to get Lauren to her feet, not without a ridiculous amount of struggle. Because then Lauren keeps attempting to hit the girl on the floor. The victim of Lauren’s assault isn’t making things any easier for her either, as she continuously claws at them until Ally gets caught in the fray.

Ally feels her hair being yanked in an awkward angle painfully.

God, if she wasn’t a pacifist she swears she would –

“Stop! Stop! Stop this immediately what on earth are all of you – girls STOP IT!”

The sound of the principal makes them all spring apart from each other.

The six girls are huffing and red faced, attempting to catch their breaths.

Ally’s hand instantly comes to gingerly rub her sore scalp, before scowling at the culprit for the hair pulling. The freshman’s eye is already swelling, and Ally tries to quell the silly surge of pride towards Lauren for getting her good.

She glances at Lauren, sighing in relief that her friend looks unscathed for the most part. Her eyes then come to Dinah and Normani. Dinah is pouting as she tries to fix her mussed hair and Normani is pressing her fingers to her bottom lip in search of blood.

Ally sighs again, and that’s when she remembers the last girl. She searches in a frenzy for Camila, praying she wasn’t a part of this. But then she sees the soccer player, gaping wordlessly at them …completely covered in food.

The principal turns his attention towards them all.

“You seven. My office. Now.”

A month’s worth of scraping gum off the cafeteria tables seems a lot better than a potential suspension. Ally will take what she can get, she decides as they all disperse from the principal’s office.

The two offending freshmen pull Lauren aside to beg for forgiveness. Though from Lauren’s stony expression, Ally figures Lauren is already planning to kick them off the team. But then is momentarily shocked when Lauren accepts their apology stiffly, followed by a malicious threat to stay in line.

(Later on, Ally would find out the girls’ had decided to go after Camila in a misguided attempt lighten up their captain’s somber mood).

“Did you see that girl’s eye? You got her so good, Laurenzo. I’m kind of proud,” Dinah compliments, after the two girls slink away. Lauren’s lips tilt into a small smile.

“Yeah but you practically pulled out her entire weave. That’s impressive,” Lauren responds, a smile finally breaking out.

Not that Ally condones fighting, because, like, she so doesn’t, but it’s nice seeing them get along. Albeit for the wrong reasons. But there’s something so amazing seeing Dinah nudging Lauren in that friendly manner. As if they’d known each other their entire lives.

“You both are ridiculous,” Normani snaps. “I literally just got my nails done yesterday and this happened.” She lifts her hand up to show off a broken middle fingernail. They both laugh and after a while Normani cracks a grin. “But okay, yeah it was kind of bad ass.”

“Kind of? Did you see the other girls?” Dinah demands.

“I don’t really understand how you’re all so happy. We got a month’s detention because you guys can’t communicate like normal people.” Camila’s voice pierces through the lighthearted atmosphere. Ally almost forgets her presence because she had been so silent during their walk through the hallway.

She watches as Camila pulls out a spaghetti noodle from her hair and flicks it to the floor.

“We were defending you,” Lauren mumbles after a while.

“I didn’t ask you to,” Camila snaps. “I was handling it.”

“Clearly,” Lauren mumbles sarcastically.

“You know what?” Camila whirls around. “I don’t need your sarcasm. And I don’t need your stupid sympathy, okay? Today wouldn’t have even happened if you weren’t such a bitch.”

Lauren visibly recoils.

“Mila,” Ally begins but the soccer player shoots her a glare.

“No, don’t do that-“

“It wasn’t my fault,” Lauren begins hotly.

“Like you didn’t plan to have them dump the entire squad’s lunch on me. I have spaghetti noodles in places there shouldn’t be!” Camila snaps.

“Mila, she didn’t know that those girls were going to do that to you. You really think she would send those cheerleaders after you?” Dinah questions.

“It wouldn’t be the first time.”

It’s the statement that does it. That plunges the atmosphere completely into a subzero level. That makes Lauren look completely heartbroken. That actually breaks Ally’s heart.

It’s another week of radio silence between the two. Another week of Ally and Normani (and now on occasion Dinah), watching Lauren sigh dejectedly into her food during lunch. Sometimes she’d cast a few sad looks over to the soccer team’s table. And the girls would look upon her sympathetically.

Lauren didn’t know which was worse.

The pity or being ignored. While one was infuriating as hell, the other just…hurt.

This morning in particular was brutal. She had run into Camila in the hallway, accidentally knocking her duffel bag from her shoulder. When she tried to reach down to grab it, Camila scrambled to pick it up herself and hurried away head bowed. The exchange – or lack of one – left Lauren feeling like she was a ghost.

“Would you just talk to her?” Normani groans exasperatedly after Lauren recounts the events to the three of them in Ally’s room after school.

“She practically hates my guts.” Lauren mutters into her pillow.

“Look, as much as I love kicking you especially when you’re down I don’t think I can take any more of your moping. It’s actually starting to depress me,” Normani sighs, sitting down beside Lauren on the bed. “And I doubt she hates you.”

“Yeah, it’s impossible for Mila to hate anything,” Dinah chimes in from her spot on the floor.

“Except me.”

“She’s just really upset right now, Lauren,” Ally supplies. “And rightfully so. You really did a number on her. What the heck did you even say to her at the party?”

At this, Lauren feels her face redden with shame.

She had toyed with the idea of telling them, but she feared that they would hate her more than she hated herself. And she wasn’t ready for any more negativity.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lauren mumbles. “It was…it was really bad. And I feel really shitty for it too.”

“Then tell her that,” Normani snaps.

That’s easier said than being done, Lauren thinks. She makes a small grunt that earns an eye roll from her friend.

Ally comes to sit next to her and places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Lauren, we’ve all seen the way you look at her.”

Lauren freezes at this. It’s the first time they all sort of acknowledge the big pink elephant of the room that is her more than platonic feelings for the soccer player. And she almost expects mockery or insults. But when she glances up to find them all staring at her supportively, she feels a deep seated worry slowly dissipate.

“And we’re all more than positive she feels the same way,” Ally continues, saying just the right thing to settle her confused doubt.

“Really?”

“Girl, of course she does,” Dinah adds in. “She looks at you like you put the pineapples on her pizza.”

“That’s disgusting, Dinah,” Normani retorts with a fake gag.

“Well where else are you supposed to put pineapples?”

“Um, not on a pizza.”

“It’s called Hawaiian pizza.”

“All that should be on my pizza is pepperoni and cheese,” Normani argues stubbornly.

“How can you not like pineapples on pizza? Who doesn’t like pineapples on pizza?” Dinah demands turning to look at them incredulously.

“I like Canadian bacon,” Ally says unhelpfully.

Lauren tunes the rest of the conversation after the two decide to settle the matter by ordering pizza. Her thoughts stray to the soccer player. And a pang of guilt hits her.

When the pizza arrives twenty minutes later, Normani demands (through a mouth full of Hawaiian pizza) that Lauren take her self-pitying ass next door and grovel for forgiveness.

Dinah agrees, and Ally rephrases that advice in a more encouraging manner. The thumbs up did little for her self esteem as they all but threw her out of Ally’s room and confiscated her phone lest she try to uber it back home.

And that’s really how she finds herself on Camila Cabello’s doorstep, desperately trying to think of ways to get out of knocking.

It’s stupid. This is dumb. There’s no way – absolutely no way Camila would even want to see her. The past week, the soccer player has been pointedly avoiding her.

No, that was an understatement. Lauren was getting the cold shoulder. That blatant icy treatment that left her feeling even worse than before the stupid cafeteria incident.

The last thing Camila had said to her was still plaguing her mind. Camila had insulted her, offended every nerve that could possibly be offended and yet Lauren knew she deserved it. Dinah may have been right – it wasn’t possible for Camila to hate anyone. But reducing Camila to the type of person who could be so incredibly harsh to another person just made the situation all the more worse.

Camila hated her. It wasn’t even something to debate.

Lauren hesitates ringing the doorbell. Her fingertips ghost across the button, brushing the smooth surface uncertainly.

A hundred and one things filter through her head and they all revolve around the girl somewhere behind the door.

She doesn’t get a chance to summon up much courage because in the next second the door is flying open and the Camila Cabello is standing before her.

She doesn’t look as surprised as Lauren feels, which is more than a little disheartening, but she tries not to let it faze her. Instead, she straightens up, almost to the point of rigidity.

Relax Lauren. Jesus. Okay. Here we go-

“What are you doing here?” Camila asks just as Lauren begins to form the apology that was burning to in the back of her throat ever since she Camila ran out of her bedroom crying.

Lauren hesitates, suddenly feeling the little flicker of confidence she fabricated fade away. Camila looks all around unimpressed with her display and this only serves to turn her nerves into jelly. Abort, Lauren. Abort.

NO. You will fucking stay and say your peace or so help me god you dumb shit.

“I asked you a question,” Camila snaps. It seems strange, so completely out of character seeing her so angry. There’s a venom that wasn’t there before in her voice, in her sharp expression that leaves Lauren wishing she had come better prepared for this.

A stab of guilt pricks at her chest as she realizes the only person who made this happen was herself.

Lauren swallows thickly, fiddling with the bracelet on her wrist. The attempt to occupy herself with something besides Camila’s steely gaze is pitiful. But then again, she is a coward. She’s not even sure she can look the girl in the eye anymore.

“Look, if you’re not gonna say anything you might as well just –“

“-I’m sorry!” Lauren blurts out. The desperation of the outcry overwhelms her. She’s not going anywhere until she makes Camila listen – to everything. Because she knows deep down this is her only chance. Her only shot at fixing anything that she’s so despicably good at fucking up.

Camila’s glare softens slightly. It’s very miniscule but it gives Lauren the hope she needs.

“I’m sorry, Camila,” she says again, internally quivering at the name that rolls so effortlessly off her tongue. It comes out so naturally, almost as if it had always sort of had its own place in her voice. As if she was supposed to say it over and over again. Which, admittedly she would do…in the privacy of her room…in the dead of night…where literally no one would be able to hear.

(Of course she would deny ever doing that if anyone asked her).

But it’s the first time she’s ever called Camila by her name. Well the first time non insultingly. And it’s something that doesn’t go unnoticed by the both of them. Lauren feels her face flush suddenly, and Camila’s eyebrows rise.

“Camila,” she pauses, feeling the nervous little buzz building in her stomach at the name. “I didn’t – look, about what happened at the party – I didn’t mean it.”

Camila’s eyes narrow and the walls are back up again.

“It sure didn’t sound like it. Just because you defended me last week, which I didn’t even freaking ask you to do by the way, doesn’t mean I’m going to be welcoming you into my life with open arms,” Camila says. “You humiliated me.”

“I know.”

“No. I don’t think you do, Lauren. It hurt. Like a lot, okay?” Camila blurts out. “I’m not even sure I can forgive you.”

Lauren feels that little glimmer of hope crash dive. This isn’t going as planned. Oh what did she know? There weren’t any plans or any go-to instructions for this kind of situation. How were you even supposed to convince the girl that you’ve been stupidly in love with for four years that you want her?

She flushes at the thought and the familiar wave of denial bubbles up in the pit of her stomach. She can barely even admit that fact inside her own head. How could she possibly even begin to explain it to Camila?

The girl practically thinks she hates her, which she doesn’t. Oh god, she doesn’t even hate her at all.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, Camila,” Lauren begins, feeling her voice tremble. “I really don’t. I just – I just wanted to explain.”

Camila stares at her expectantly.

“I didn’t know what people were going to think if they found out,” Lauren mutters and Camila rolls her eyes.

“That’s not enough.”

“I was scared.”

“That’s still not enough.”

“Camila, please.”

She sees the girl’s expression soften again, the aggression slowly crumbling away. It gives her the courage she needs, the motivation to bring down her own stupid barrier preventing her from being vulnerable.

And this time, when Camila speaks her anger has soundly melted. “Don’t be scared.”

It’s just a small request, not even louder than a whisper but Lauren can hear it. The conviction behind the three words. The ounce of moral support beneath them. The figurative hesitant arms being slowly opened for her to walk into and it’s enough.

Lauren takes a deep breath, her heart pounding. She swallows thickly and tries to calm the rapid beating.

“I really didn’t mean what I said to you at the party,” she begins

Lauren almost anticipates Camila to make another sarcastic comment, but she simply stares at her so she continues.

“I didn’t mean it when I told you that there wasn’t anything that would happen between us. I didn’t believe it in the slightest because…I wanted something to happen,” she admits in a rush. “And all that stuff about you being no one was just about the shittiest thing I’ve ever said and I feel terrible. It’s not true at all, Camila. Not even a little bit. I was just – I wanted to hurt you because I was the one feeling like the loser. I’m a shitty person know I am.”

“You’re not a shitty person Lauren,” Camila sighs wearily. The admittance makes her hesitate. Makes her stop and stare at Camila keenly, feeling her chest ache suddenly.

Even in her anger, Camila will still defend her. Lauren isn’t even sure if this should please or upset her.

“I am though. And it’s not even about the night of the party. I know I’ve put you through hell for like years. I’ve just been such an idiot about all of this because I was just so fucking scared of what it all meant.” She stops and runs a nervous hand through her hair. “Because I’ve never felt this way, like ever about anyone and I knew, deep down that you had the power to hurt me in the worst way. And I just, like I just refused to give you that power so I thought that if I hurt you first…” Lauren trails off, shaking her head. The shame that’s kept her up all night for weeks manages to creep back up.

She averts her gaze, feeling the all too familiar burning stinging building. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of Camila.

“It’s stupid I know,” Lauren mumbles. “It makes no sense – that logic. I’m an idiot and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be that person who gets scared over every fucking little thing, or the person who cares more about her popularity than the things that really matter. I just don’t care about that stuff anymore. Camila, I don’t care. I don’t even – I can’t even properly articulate how fucking sorry I am. For everything. For making your feelings seem like they don’t matter because they do, Camila. They matter so much to me. And…I’m done belittling my own feelings as well because…because they matter too.”

She feels Camila’s eyes burning into the side of her face, almost as if prompting her to turn and face her. But she’s afraid of what she’ll see. Disgust? Anger?

She doesn’t expect the softness. She doesn’t expect the understanding. She doesn’t expect the feel of her fingertips brushing against her. In comfort. Acceptance.

Camila’s warm hands come to grip hers, undoing her tight fist. She feels a palm press into hers and it feels so incredibly intimate that Lauren is almost tempted to pull away. The sudden fear springs up again. The fear of being hurt.

But when she looks up at Camila’s face again, the fear melts.

“What do you feel?” Camila asks gently.

She poses the question that went unanswered in that stuffy room during the party. She’s opening the door of vulnerable opportunity. She’s allowing Lauren a second chance. One that she knows she doesn’t deserve.

A gentle squeeze of their hands prompts Lauren to speak again.

“I feel…” Lauren’s voice dies, as a lump forms in her throat. It’s stupid to get this emotional, she thinks. But god it’s been such a long time since she’s felt anything remotely similar to this. “I feel a lot,” she finishes lamely.

Camila tilts her head. For a second, Lauren feels that she’s going to laugh at her dumb attempt at opening up. But Camila is patient, something that Lauren is beginning to feel grateful for. She’s nothing like Lauren.

“I think you should know, that I…” Lauren trails off uncertainly. She stammers on the spot for a moment. It takes another gentle squeeze for Lauren to calm her nerves. “I think you're the most irritatingly adorable person I've met. I get butterflies every time I'm even in the same room as you, or even when you just look at me because you make me so nervous. And you make me doubt everything and it pisses me off but at the same time I love it because it’s you.” She pauses, releasing a shaky breath. "You’re just – like – I don’t even think you realize how extraordinary you are Camila.”

Lauren averts her eyes. Blearily glowering down at her shoes. Shifting weight between each foot. But Camila’s hand is still in hers. Intertwined. Giving Lauren just enough courage to continue.

“And I know it’s stupid because I’ve been such a bitch to you all of these years. I know it probably doesn’t mean much to you, saying all of this now. I just,” Lauren pauses, searching for the proper words. Her pounding heart isn’t exactly making it any easier. Camila staring at her so intensely isn’t making it any easier either. “I just wanted your attention. And I didn't care if it was negative attention.”

Lauren lets out a shuddering breath. The hand in hers loosens, and Lauren quickly tightens it, keeping their fingers firmly interlocked.

“I wanted your eyes on me. I wanted you to know me. That’s what I’ve always ever wanted, Camila."

The homecoming game falls on a chilly Friday night in October. The winds send a biting chill as the sun falls into its daily descent. The bright lights of the stadium highlights the puffs of breaths exhaled from excited students as they find their seats on the bleachers.

The football teams congregate on either side of the field, huddling for their plays. The cheerleaders form a tight group on the track, coming closer for warmth behind their short, pleated skirts, awaiting their captain’s presence.

The frosty air extends past the field, curling and slithering beneath the cracks of the school’s double doors, spreading through the empty hallways. Even faintly permeating within the small confines of the girl’s locker room. Where the conveniently absent head cheerleader has dragged a more than willing soccer player away from the loud crowded football field.

Lauren presses Camila up against the locker. She feels Camila squirm beneath her weight and she gets a thrill out of it. Her lips brush against Camila’s forehead, her cheeks, her nose, her chin, finally resting upon her mouth. Lauren moves them slow and sensually, closing and parting her lips in a delicious rhythm she has become quite familiar with.

Lauren parts her lips again, taking in the Camila’s bottom lip. Her teeth close around them, almost playfully. It would be playful if Lauren’s hands aren’t currently trying to cop a feel beneath the girl’s shirt.

Camila pulls away breathlessly. Her pants beat enticingly against Lauren’s lips, tempting her to close the gap again. But Camila is resilient, even angling her body away slightly.

“Did the girls give you a hard time?” Camila asks, her hands loosening their tight grip in her hair.

“No, it’s not halftime yet.”

Camila nods and leans back against the locker again.

“Do you think they suspect anything?”

“Please. The girls are still betting on Ally’s dumb Operation Camren plan,” Lauren scoffs. Camila laughs. Lauren feels Camila’s fingers play with the ends of her hair, twirling a few strands.

The uneven pace from the kissing has melted, warming Lauren up inside, as if she had her own personal Camila sweater. The thought almost makes her cringe. When did she turn into such a sap?

“You know, without Ally’s dumb plan this probably wouldn’t have happened,” Camila murmurs.

Lauren wants to disagree. She wants to protest and go through her detailed argument of how very much it would have happened anyway. How they were inevitable from the very beginning. It was only a matter of time because they were made for each other.

But it’s stupid and makes her sound like a weenie, even in her head.

Lauren is a lot of things. But she is most definitely not a weenie.

“Should we thank her?”

“Hmm, probably not,” Camila says, glancing down at Lauren’s lips. “I think she’ll be disappointed that she couldn’t plan our first date.”

There’s always the wedding.

For a horrifying second, Lauren almost says that out loud. It takes her a moment to recover from her almost blunder. She secretly thanks the big man upstairs for gracing her with the ability to keep her mouth shut.

(She makes a mental note to go with Ally to church more often).

“I’m sure she’ll be fine,” Lauren finally responds, eyes roaming across Camila’s face. Her flushed expression. Her red, bruised lips, tousled hand blown out eyes. Lauren feels a quiver of happiness and something not quite as innocent fluttering below her waist. Her nails dance around her skin lightly. Camila shivers beneath her touch.

“Are you cold?” Lauren asks in a soft voice.

Camila glances up at her from beneath her eyelashes and Lauren swears she feels her heart stop.

“A little,” Camila murmurs. Lauren doesn’t hesitate in shrugging off her lettermen and draping it over Camila’s shoulders. “Wait, no I was kidding kind of. You can’t give me this you’re gonna get cold and plus everyone is going to see-“

“I’m not gonna need it during the routine,” Lauren reassures in that same soft tone. “And you’re my girlfriend now. Let everyone see.”

Oh god, did that really come out of my mouth? That stupid cheesey dumb good for nothing line that’ll probably make Camz totally cringe. that’s it I’m becoming a Satanist –

But then she looks at Camila and she’s is staring right back at her with an expression Lauren can’t quite put her finger on. But it easily becomes one of her favorites.

She doesn’t get a chance to speak because Camila is pulling her face down for another long, deep kiss. Their lips move at a heated pace. Lauren can feel the message conveyed in the very contours of Camila’s mouth.

I love you.

It’s not time yet. It’s too soon.

But eventually.

Ally bundles up in her letterman, standing next to Normani on the track field. The noise of chatter from the onlookers on the bleachers is a comforting sound, setting in her cold body pleasantly. Her eyes glance towards the football field, watching her boyfriend Troy in his gear, stretching by the bench, before running out into the field to replace another player. It’s the last game of the season and the excitement is tangible.

“Any sign of Lauren? The quarter is about to end. We already be preparing for the routine,” Normani complains.

As if on cue, the head cheerleader runs on to the field hurriedly, looking much too flushed for this cold weather.

“Hey,” Lauren greets, unevenly, making Ally and Normani exchange a furtive look. Lauren catches this. “What?”

“You’re all red,” Ally supplies, rather sheepishly because thinking of Lauren doing whatever she was doing (or who she was doing, rather), isn’t something she wants to picture.

“And you’re …flustered.” Normani smirks.

“Where’s your jacket?” Ally adds.

Finally Lauren snaps. “What is with the third degree? Jesus, I’m here aren’t I? You know what just get into formation.”

Both Ally and Normani resist the urge to laugh at the blushing girl.

Ally doesn’t have the heart to tease her further. Instead, she follows Lauren’s lead, falling into place with the rest of the cheerleaders.

However, as the routine progresses, Ally can’t help but notice something –someone – emerging from the very same double doors their head cheerleader had burst from just moments ago. Out comes a very flustered, but very happy soccer player, wearing a very familiar letterman jacket. And if Ally hadn’t noticed Lauren’s obvious shivering, the fact that Jauregui was engraved across the back in gold letters was telling enough.

Ally watches as Camila practically skips up towards the bleachers to sit beside Dinah, looking absurdly pleased with herself. The sight brings a silly grin to Ally’s face.

She glances over to Lauren who is too busy staring down at her shoes. But Ally notices the distinct pink tinge to her cheeks.

Her attention shifts to Normani and sees that she, too, notices Camila’s sudden wardrobe change. Normani smirks. But both remained tightlipped.

Once halftime is over, Ally watches as Lauren scurries back through the double doors leading to the locker rooms. She doesn’t even wait to have a quick debriefing of their routine, which Ally finds almost irresponsible. Well, she’ll talk to her about that later. It’s not like she doesn’t know what’s got Lauren all flouncy. Or who.

As if to further demonstrate this, Dinah approaches Ally and Normani down from the bleachers with a smug expression on her face.

“I see Laurenzo isn’t with you.”

Normani glances over Dinah’s shoulder.

“Neither is Camila,” Normani states, a matching smirk growing on her face.

They all sort of giggle at their observation.

Camila and Lauren were not discreet at all. Whatever secret they think they had was about as subtle as a neon sign. A blinking one. With dancing interchangeable lights. And fireworks lighting up in the background.

If all of the times Ally’s caught Lauren waiting by Camila’s locker weren’t an obvious indication. It’s probably the hickeys she’s absently seen as Lauren tries to hastily change into her uniform for practice. Or the nights she’s caught Lauren wearing what looked like one of Camila’s jerseys during sleepovers. Or the flowers Camila swears were from her father the days leading up to the game, (even though Ally distinctly remembers her father never buying flowers because of his allergies).

Not that she confronted them about it. At least not directly.

A little teasing maybe. Something that both of her snickering friends could agree with and had wholeheartedly participated in.

But no. No. She’s definitely learned her lesson about meddling��at least until that potential future wedding she’s begun making plans for comes into play.

Which, in that case, Operation Camren 2.0 is definitely a go.

A/N: happy 2018 !

#hwuc fics #wow i can't believe this happened #i still blame you #annie #camren

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crimsonrevolt · 7 years ago

Photo

Congratulations Alex you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Frank Longbottom!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

We’re so excited to have you back in the rp, Alex! The way you fleshed out Frank’s app was beautiful and the thought and dedication that you placed into it shone through. There’s a lot of complexities to his character, and the struggles he’s going to face in the future were completely evident. We can’t wait to see how you develop Frank further and how his story progresses in this different timeline of the Marauders!

application beneath the cut (tw: Torture, Kidnapping, PTSD, Violence)

OUT OF CHARACTER ♔ INTRODUCTION

Name: Alex

Age: 20

Pronouns: She/her

Timezone: EST

♔ ACTIVITY

6-7/10 I sam online a lot of the time however I am in college so there are some times when I get very busy. That being said I am normally online at least once a day and tend to lurk more than that. So 6-7 maybe lower than winds up being accurate but that it the minimum of how often I will be on.

♔ ROLEPLAY EXPERIENCE

I’ve been roleplaying on tumblr for over 5 years now on my River Song roleplay blog. Recently my muse from her has been a bit less so my most recent threads aren’t my favorites but I have gained a lot of experience from the blog. I love the character and writing her I’ve just been having a hard time because after 5 years the fandom has died down.

http://riverxxsong.tumblr.com/

My old Lucinda blog:

https://lucindaxxtalkalot.tumblr.com/

My old Frank blong:

https://frankxlongbottom.tumblr.com/

♔ TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

♔ HOW DID YOU FIND US?

I was in CRT for a long time! <3

♔ ANYTHING ELSE?

I’ve missed Frank and the CRT community so much since I’ve left I would love the opportunity to continue to develop his character. IN CHARACTER ♔ DESIRED CHARACTER Frank Longbottom

♔ FACE CLAIM Penn Badgley ♔ REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER First Application Reasons:

I had never really thought about Frank Longbottom until joining this group, but as I started interacting more and reading all of the threads I fell in love with Frank. Then also when Lucinda got together with Alice I fell in love with her and just because Lucinda has to lose her doesn’t mean I want to. I really love Frank’s story line and had wanted to take on the challenge of writing as a person of the opposite gender. I am really hopeful that I will get to play him and develop his character, his deep love for Alice, his dark side, his frustration with the war, and all the other things that makes him such an amazing and complex character.

I am extremely excited to play on the idea of Frank’s dark side; I think far too often he is portrayed as a big teddy bear when in fact I think he might be one of the most vicious of the “good guys”. I don’t think Frank would ever hurt anyone just for pleasure, but he sees the line between good and evil as blurry especially during war times. During school he saw far too many of his house mates tortured to let it slide without any acknowledgement. Being from the Longbottom family, one of the sacred 28, other purebloods often expected him to fall on their side, that is until he got the reputation of breaking their noses. People who don’t know him often find him jaded and aggressive and he can come off as a flirt. He is unrelenting in his pursual of a better world, but he doesn’t always see where the lines lay.

It is because of this more aggressive nature that Frank first became affiliated with Aversio. The group was a better match for his personal ideologies and were willing to see that the ends justify the means. Frank is often surprised that even among Aversio he is on the more aggressive end of the spectrum. He is highly impulsive and will push for, as well as take on dangerous missions, before thinking through the consequences for himself and others. He lacks a sense of self preservation and considers the war a worthy cause to die for. He fluctuates between being extremely self confident and extremely insecure depending on the situation and how long he’s taken to think.

Thinking has actually often time been a hindrance to Frank as he finds that once he starts thinking things through he’s nervous and worrying side surfaces. It is when this side emerges that he finds it harder to be a good member of Aversio and do what needs to be done. However this is in stark contrast to how is more worrisome side is seen in the Order where caution and careful planning and strategy are praised.

Second Application Reasons:

I simply adore Frank Longbottom. I think he can be one of the most complex characters in the series especially with the way his skeleton is written in our group. I have missed him since I left the group a few months ago and would love to get to write as him again. I think Frank is dynamic and real and struggles with the questions of morality which many of us don’t need to think about in our life. I think he has so much growth left in his character and in his current state he is so angry and focused, I think as he grows his views may change rapidly.

I would love to dive more into his darker tendencies because I think at certain levels he could rival some of the death eaters for cruelty. His views right now are extremely polarized, you are either good or you’re bad. He feels as though people in the Order are good but when he allows himself to be honest about what he thinks about them he feels they are cowards and are afraid to do what is necessary. Frank believes that Death Eaters lives are worthless and if they are not helping him further the goal of ending the war than they should be terminated from existence. I would love to have the people who love him who aren’t in aversio slowly bring him toward a more moderate view but I would also love for him to have one or two people in Aversio who encourage this extremist view and push him forward with his plans.

I think there could be some extremely interesting plays with insanity with Frank allowing us to see the lengths that one will go to in order to do what they see as right. Frank believes in his mission and thinks he is entirely right and righteous in his beliefs. One of the most fascinating aspects of the potencial I see with this starting point I am seeing for him is having his behaviors be almost identical to those of the death eaters but serving the Aversio agenda. Getting to write him being unaware of the extremes which he is reaching and having the characters around him see him unraveling could be fascinating.

Following this downward spiral, which I think would be amazing also having it tied in with him being newly engaged with Alice and having them be adversaries for a few months in their ideologies, I think he needs to come to a breaking point. Most people are made of a series of moments and I believe that but I also think that there are some moments which are more defining than others and I think Frank’s path will be violent and cruel in the beginning of this new era for him, I think that part of the character was lost and I became too involved in the relationship between Frank and Alice. I still am planning to have Alice be a large part of Frank’s narrative but I would love for him to have some other characters to support that. I would love to collaborate with one or two other Aversio players who also want to take their characters down this morally ambiguous path in the pursuit of a better world. On the other side I want Frank to have work friends who are in the Order and more in line with Alice’s way of thinking. I think Frank would confess to Alice his allegiance and if she couldn’t convince him to change his ways I think calling in backup of these individuals who are morally aligned with the Order, I’d love to see the fight which could even turn physical. In a huge fight like this I would love the insanity to appear in full and have Frank either injure or almost severely injure people he cares about. At that point I think Frank would break down and he’d change his allegiance leaving behind Aversio forever. However, the anger which naturally exists within him would still be there and he would still have an internal struggle over the actions which should be taken. The transitioning allegiance going quickly to be fully aligned with the Order. Additionally, what Frank would do with the information he had gained while in Aversio.

Overall, I’d love to see Frank as a character who build in extremist beliefs until it hits a point where he either would lose the people he cares for most or switch sides and I would like to have him switch sides. However, I think switching sides would be painful and he would struggle with identity and guilt and his own morals. Overtime I think he would come to see Aversio as a terrorist organization and be a major public advocate against it as well as being on a possible anti Aversio task force within the order. I would love Frank’s story to be one of misguided good intentions and the dangers of thinking that the ends justify the means and the corrupting power of a seemingly quick solution and self distributed justice.

Elaborate on why you would like to play this character. Just tell us, what made you pick this character and what made you feel in love with them. This can be as long or as short as you want to, though showing your love for the character is encouraged as it is something we look at when we can’t decide between applications. In this section you should also describe the character and how you see them. At least in a few sentences that offer additional information to what we provided in the character’s bio. You don’t have to do a complete personality analysis here, but just glimpse us of them by giving reasons for why you decided for this character. Don’t write what you think that we want to hear, but just make this character your own. ♔ CHARACTER’S SEXUALITY Heterosexual. Frank has never really had the urge to be with a man. He thinks his friends are good looking blokes but that’s about it. That being said he has no judgement about who people choose to love and encourages his loved ones to do what makes them happy. Before he and Alice were serious he was a big flirt, his lovelife consisting mainly of hookups. Until Alice came into his life, friends were his only priority and he had no interest in finding a girlfriend. He was a major fuckboy but had his own code about hooking up with girls, never spreading rumors or bragging about the people he would hook up with.

I love Fralice!

♔ PERSONALITY TRAITS Please elaborate on at least 2 of the traits listed on the bio (one positive and one negative). Explain why you believe they were assigned these traits and what they mean in the context of the character.

✓ Dependable

Frank always considered himself lucky, he grew up in a happy stable family without all of the normal stigma that came with being a pureblood. Frank is extremely dedicated to those he loved and because of that he will never fail to be there when they need him. Frank’s dedication runs to an extreme level that it never wanes even when being there for a friend could put himself in danger, in that situation he would just run faster to help the ones he cares for.

Frank will always be there to protect Alice, it is the only reason he didn’t ask for a change of partner after they broke up. He needs to be there for her, to protect her, even though it kills him inside. There is a physical pain in his chest when he sees Alice and remembers she doesn’t want to be with him, but he can’t stand the idea that she would run into danger without him at her side. ✓ Loving

Frank’s friends are a central part of his life. He would do anything for them and drop everything in his life to help them. It is this platonic form of love that has dominated Frank’s life so far and only in his developing relationship with Alice do we see how romantic love looks for him. Frank is amazingly loyal to his friends at school he would often find getting into fights trying to protect them. He is definitely what people would describe as rough around the edges, but those who get to know him would describe him as a true Hufflepuff, loyal to a fault. ✓ Ready-mind

As a Hufflepuff through and through, Frank always had an open mind and was ready and willing to learn new things. What set him apart is his dedication to his studies during school, although he was not a bookworm, he was a dedicated hard worker and would often be seen with his brow furrowed as he completed homework in the Hufflepuff common room. ✓ Unstoppable

Frank is an oncoming storm. He would burn cities to the ground for those he loves. He is not afraid of using force to get what he wants, and once he sets his mind to something you better get out of his way or get crushed in the process. This is a great benefit when you are on his side as he will stop at nothing to keep his word and protect those he loves. Those who stand against him though should be wary as when he sees someone as opposition, he feels no remorse for what he does to meet his goal. ✕ Doesn’t know limits

Frank doesn’t know when to stop. He struggles to not lose himself in the war. He finds himself more inline with the ideals of Aversio than with the Order of the Phoenix as he has trouble waiting to take action. He oftentimes has to fight to prevent the extent of his aggression from being seen. He doesn’t just want the Death Eaters locked up, he wants them dead with their homes burnt to the ground and any trace of them destroyed. He thinks they are traitors to the wizarding world and shouldn’t be allowed the privilege of having existing. He wants to see the end of their regime with no trace of it left to be built upon and thinks it is worth exterminating the entire population in order to fulfill that goal. ✕ Lacks self-control

He is highly impulsive and has a desire to take action. Frank will volunteer often volunteer for missions before thinking of the risks to himself or the others on his team. He has no sense of self preservation which adds to his likelihood of doing something that could get himself hurt.

Frank sees his impulsivity as a strength it allows him to act when he needs to and prevents him from missing a moment when he should have gone. He thinks the personal danger this lack of self control puts him in is negligible given the amount of good he feels these actions accomplish. ✕ Worrier

Frank has no regard for his own well being and is only worried about his friends and loved ones. He thinks about them all the time and is extremely concerned about their safety during these uncertain times. His loved ones are his main concern at all times, but it is often his worrying breaks his determination. In stopping to think he realizes the risk to himself and others and feels he can’t fight in the war as well. He thinks of his lack of self control as a positive and strives to not think about things to deeply in order to avoid being bogged down by his thoughts. ✕ Dark thoughts

Frank offer suffers from very dark thoughts. He doesn’t just want to win the war but he oftentimes finds his thoughts drifting to the idea of obliterating the opposition. He wants to be the type of person who is patient, kind and merciful, but he feels war is not the times for this virtues. During school he worked to always keep himself in check and to ensure he (usually) played by the rules, but war has allowed him to explore, this other side of himself which had stayed buried for so long. His only fear is he kind of likes it .

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

The following section should be looked at like a survey for your character. Answer them in character and feel free to use gifs. Or, if you’d rather, answer them in third person or OOC without gifs. Answers do not have to be extremely lengthy.

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

“I would invent a spell which allows me to locate people who use the unforgivable curses. I would have the auror department run it at all times because if we were able to know where these curses were being used it would make finding and destroying death eaters much easier.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“I would bring Alice Prewett. She’s always had my back in the feild and I know she’d have my back in the forest. I easily trust her with my life. As for an object… I would bring a flashlight, so I could have my wand ready in case I need to immediately cast a spell for self defense.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“I am worst a making decisions which involve not immediately punishing those doing wrong in the hopes of a longer plan. I understand that it may not be best to stop things when we know they are occuring, due to the sensitivity of sources but when there is an injustice occurring… I can’t help but want to take actions and when someone tells me it’s impulsive or short sighted I just find myself getting angry.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“I would never want someone to say I’m disloyal. Loyalty to the people who matter to me in my life is one of the most important things to me. My friends and family are most important to me. I am always on their side so anyone suggesting I’m not would break my heart.”

EXTRAS (SEMI-OPTIONAL) This portion is not obligatory, but it is heavily encouraged. This section can include, but is not limited to: mock blogs, future plot points, a questionnaire, your character’s wand, boggart, patronus quotes, playlists, moodboards, edits and everything else you can think of. It’s kind of a ‘everything can, nothing must’-section. Even if this section is in no way required, please keep in mind that this can be something that makes me decide for one applicant or another if I can’t decide just looking at the obligatory part. This doesn’t mean I’ll only have a look at it if I can’t decide- for that I’m far too curious what awesome things you’re all going to do-, but is something that plays great importance when I can’t decide for one applicant.

https://frankxlongbottom.tumblr.com/

PlayList:

Frank in Love (Fralice songs):

Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillet

*Come to me by the goo goo dolls*

Angel with a Shotgun by the Cab

Say You won’t go - James Arthur

Backseat Serenade-All Time Low

Frank’s anthem:

The Phoenix - Fall out boy

Smells like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

Uprising - Muse

Burn It To The Ground - Nickelback

Ready Aim Fire - Imagine Dragons

The Crimson Bow & Arrow - Jonathan Young

The World - Jonathan Young

For Alice Post Break Up Feeling

Iris - The goo goo dolls

Impossible Year- Panic! At The Disco

Young Frank:

The Good, The Bad And The Dirty - Panic! At The Disco

Girls/Girls/Boys - Panic! At The Disco

Head cannon:

Frank got into a lot of fights in school (mostly) protecting others and standing up for his beliefs.

Frank enjoys his darker impulses and worries that they will one day take him over however he also feels justified in the actions he’s taking given that he is at war.

Frank was a flirt and a player during his school days.

Frank’s friends are the most important thing to him (Alice too later)

Frank’s sense of loyalty is deeply ingrained but his impulses take control when it comes to his loved ones.

Frank is happy to die for the war and gives very little thought to his life down the road.

I think this would vary depending his state of mind but at times when he feels disconnected from most things or during some of his largest fights with Alice and during the time she left him he escalated his commitment to the cause to an almost suicidal level

I think these impulses will settle as Frank grows older but he still will not hesitate to throw himself in front of danger to protect his loved ones

Frank really struggles with his dark impulses and despite knowledge that he should want to take the moral high ground he finds himself drawn to extremely violent and extreme plans that may kill more death eaters rather than trying to break up the organization

Frank often find himself wanting to slaughter the death eaters and finds them to be irredeemable

I’d love for this to be challenged by someone close in his life where a close friend of his is in truth a DE or someone switches sides

James, Lily, Frank and Alice are couple friends and will at times go on double dates. They relate very well to each other and struggle to be newly married in a period of such chaos

James, Lily, Frank and Alice spend time talking with each other about their hopes and fears of being a new parent and rely on each other for support.

Frank will be an extremely dedicated new parent but I am unsure if having a child will lead to an escalation of his extreme thoughts to try and end the war quickly or if a child would bring him to see things from more of a moderate view to the point where he moves almost entirely to the order.

Frank is a year older than Alice so he would currently be 20.

Future Plot Points:

Flashback- Frank and guy friends at school talking about girls and the future

Flashback- Frank’s various hogwarts adventuress

Flashback- Frank’s start as an auror

Frank tries to start a bar fight with a pureblood

Frank pushes an even more aggressive Aversio

Alice finds out Frank is in Aversio

Frank and Alice move in together

Frank and Alice get married

Frank wants to start a family or Alice gets pregnant

Frank and Alice have Neville

Frank becomes a major aggressor in the war and starts trying to pursue Death Eaters to a larger extent

Frank attempts to sabotage the lives of people who he suspects to be death eaters

Frank has a few HUGE fights with people he loves about his being in Aversio (Moody, Alice, Augusta, anyone he is very close with)

Frank leaves Aversio

Frank struggles with switching over to the mentality of the Order

Frank eventually perceives Aversio as a terrorist group WRITING SAMPLE

Prompt:

The last sane night. We all know how the dreaded-end-game occurs; but what if your character had the insight to know things were going to come to a quick end for him? How would he spend his last night before he is tortured to the brink?

TW: Torutre, sexul assault

The ground was cold beneath him; the packed dirt floor of the cell slowing drinking the heat from his body. As Frank stirred slowly from the numb comfort of unconsciousness, he felt as if the world was trying to pull him down to its core. The weight on his chest made each breath agony, he tried to open his eyes. His eyes seemed stuck shut at first unwilling to open,he took another agonizing breath before forcing his eyes open. The light from the hall wasn’t much, but in that moment it felt like he had stared directly into the sun. He panicked for a moment waiting for the world to come into focus, as it did he remembered, Alice. Where was Alice? The pain in his body shifted to the background as the thought of his wife came fully into the forefront of his mind. Tears welled in his eyes, the war had ended. Frank had let his guard down for only a moment, he remembered the night in horror.

Voldemort had been destroyed. The war was finally over. That was the mantra Frank had been repeating to himself since he had first heard the news. He still had trouble believing it was true, it was as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Frank knew he need to move past it. This was a new chapter in his life, the one he had been fighting for. They had won the war, and now he could relax and enjoy his family.

It was for that reason that Frank had come home late. He had just made one stop after work. Frank had bought a nice dinner for he and Alice to share together; he had even purchased champagne. He hadn’t been worried about leaving at home alone; the war was over and they had won. He didn’t even sense something was wrong until he got home.

As he walked up to the front door he saw it was open, a pit formed in his stomach his throat clenched making it hard to breathe. We’re not at war he tried to reassure himself his hands shaking slightly. He walked closer to the door stepping slowly not wanting to over react and scare Alice and Neville.

The packages fell to the ground, Frank had gotten close enough to the door to see that it had been opened by force. He couldn’t remember what happened next, but he found himself in the hallway wand in hand. “Alice!” He cried voice shaking in a panick. “Please, Ali, please answer me and tell me you and Neville are fine.” He couldn’t breathe, he should have been home over an hour ago. He should have been here. It was amidst all these thoughts that a cold feminine laugh escaped him. He whipped around staring into the living room in horror at the scene before him. Before him stood four of Voldemort’s most loyal followers, the Lestrange brothers had Alice restrained, their hands running all over the pieces of her that were only for him. Frank’s entire body shook, “If you touch her again I,”

“What will you do?” Bellatrix Lestrange stood in front of him her sharp features had grown ever more gaunt during the war, now she look somewhere between dead and alive. “We have your wife and son.” She said in a voice which was almost sweet looking down at Neville who she held in her arms. “You wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them now would you.” She then turned and held Neville by his feet waking him and starting him to start screaming. “Now put down your wand slowly.” Barty Crouch Jr. stood at the ready want aimed at him even if he were to risk Alice and Neville by trying something

Tears began streaking down Frank’s face and he slowly bent towards the floor and placed his wand down. “Please,” His voice was distorted by a choked sob. “Take me instead just leave Alice and Neville, I will do anything!” He had failed them. He had failed to protect his family at the time when it counted most, and he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to fix it.

Rodolphus looked Alice over his eyes filled with lust. “Bella, we get to keep her right? You said this would be fun.” He looked over at Bellatrix like a puppy waiting for a treat. “Yes, I did Rod. You can play with her for now. Just don’t break her… Yet.” Bellatrix replied her voice calm and cool as if giving someone permission to borrow a book. Rodolphus smiled a malicious, smile before ripping Alice’s shirt revealing her breasts now contained only by her bra.

“No!” Frank shouted, he couldn’t let them hurt her. He’d rather die than let them lay their filthy hands on her. He started to run towards he his core impulse taking control. He told her he’d always protect her and he’d be damned if he failed now.

“Petrificus totalus!” Frank had only taken three steps when he was hit. Every muscle in his body suddenly stopped he fell forward because of the momentum he had gained from trying to reach Alice. Tears clouded his vision as Crouch came over and sat him up so that he could still see Alice and Neville. There was red on Alice now, and her chest was entirely exposed. Her cream skin had been sliced by Rodolphus and he was powerless to stop it. He watched as those men continued to grab at his wife, at his Alice. How could he have failed her like this? How could he be so powerless.

Frank couldn’t believe that had only been a day ago, or at least he thought it was a day. He rolled to his side ignoring the shrieking of his every nerve in his body. He took a deep breath not focused on his own pain any longer. His mind was only Alice, he didn’t care if he lived or died he never had it had always been about her. Frank pushed himself up slowly so he was in a seated position as he scanned the room for her, his beautiful wife, the only thing, besides their son, that he had ever cared about.

He looked around trying to find her in this cavernous cell. His heart froze for a moment when he thought she might not be here but that was when he saw it. It was just a tiny movement from the back dark corner of the room but it had to be her. Frank couldn’t let himself believe otherwise. He shook as he tried to stand cursing his own body for failing him. It seemed as though he weren’t good for anything as of late. So he crawled on his hands and knees, probably looking like the broken man he was. “Hey, Al is that you?” He said as softly as he could his voice dry and raspy. He moved closer finding her small scarcely clothed form curled up in the corner.

The sight of her like this brought tears to his eyes. “I don’t deserve you. I never have.” He said softly. “Ali, what have they done to you?” His voice shook in horror as he began to notice smaller details. She had cuts all over her body and her eyes. Something had changed. “Alice, what happened? How long have we been here?”

Alice, the love of his life, his wife and the mother of his child, merely tilted her head as if confused. “Who are you?” She said her voice nervous but intrigued. “Who is Alice?”

#Accepted App

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teachanarchy · 8 years ago

Link

Erin, a suburban Minneapolis teenager, began to grapple with serious depression and anxiety in the seventh grade. By ninth grade she was cutting herself dangerously, and she spent several weeks in residential treatment. But facing hostility at school proved to be the hardest part of her struggle.

After word of her illness spread, “I lost friends rapidly,” Erin says. A barrage of verbal attacks marred her days. “I was called crazy, and kids said, ‘Why did you come back anyway? Nobody likes you. Why don’t you kill yourself? You’d be better off dead.’”

“It made me feel a lot worse and made me not want to go to school,” Erin recalls. When teachers heard the taunts, “they turned around and acted like nothing was said.” Her mother sought help from school staff but says she was rebuffed. The taunts prompted a downward spiral in Erin’s life that ended with her return to residential care. Rather than attempt to return to her school, Erin finished high school online.

Erin's experience of social rejection at school is quite common, suggests research on teenagers with mental health problems. In one study, nearly two-thirds of teens coping with mental illness reported stigma from their peers. In another study at four middle schools, just half of students said they’d be willing to sit next to a classmate with mental illness. Although hurtful stigma is only one of myriad challenges faced by teens with mental health issues, it is an area where classroom teachers can provide immediate assistance.

Adolescence is a uniquely painful time to confront mental health challenges, experts say. “There’s a great push toward peer conformity, and being different in any way is perceived as a negative; it carries a stigma,” says Joseph Allen, director of the Virginia Adolescent Research Group at the University of Virginia.

“Normalizing” challenges with mental health is the key to reducing stigma among teens, Allen says. “If they see that ‘Whoa, this is not so uncommon,’ they can feel better about dealing with their own problems and others that have them.”

A study conducted by the Adolescent Communication Institute at The Annenberg Public Policy Center showed that discovering that people can be successfully treated for mental disorders also curbed negative stereotypes. “You have to give kids facts that counter their stereotypes, and then many are open to change,” says the study’s leader, Dan Romer.

Wendy Sunderlin, who teaches life skills classes at St. Paul’s School for Girls in Brooklandville, Md., hands out a needs-assessment survey at the start of the year to find out what students would like to learn about improving mental well-being. She uses this survey to steer her teaching. And she gently evokes personal disclosure. “I have them sit in a circle, and I ask something like, ‘How many of you have been affected by depression?’ A surprising number seem to raise their hands, and right away it takes away the ‘I am alone’ shame that kids feel.”

Sunderlin also assigns students a final project about a health topic of their choice—they often select a mental health issue. Her students have built informative websites on mental illness topics that remain live after the end of the school year to continue educating the entire school community. Students have created posters and paintings titled, “This Is What Anxiety Looks Like,” and they’ve written poems about mental illness. “Their number one concern is how they’re viewed by their peers, and their number one influence is their peers. So I have them use what they’ve learned in my class to educate one another,” Sunderlin says.

At Commack High School on Long Island, N.Y., teachers decide on a schoolwide theme around a social or emotional issue every year. Often it has been a mental illness topic, such as depression, says school psychologist John Kelly. That theme is then carried out across the curriculum. English and social studies teachers incorporate the topic into their curriculum. There are plays, dance concerts and spoken- word performances. Photography students take pictures keyed to the theme. Physical education teachers may discuss athletes with mental health issues.

“Whole classes are working on this; we’re talking about it a lot. And we find it gives kids permission to express their own struggles. It breaks down the shame and fear,” says Kelly.

The credibility of slightly older classmates has proven a powerful stigma-fighting tool for Kelly Iacobucci, who teaches a ninth-grade health class at Bishop O’Connell High School in Arlington, Va. Once, an 11th-grader who was a survivor of sexual abuse volunteered to visit Iacobucci’s class.

The volunteer discussed her challenges with body image and self-esteem. “It was amazing to see how [the students] opened up and shared after she came in,” says Iacobucci. One girl disclosed that she was receiving therapy for an anxiety disorder that impels her to pull out her hair. “Suddenly, another girl across the room said, ‘Oh my goodness, I have the same thing!’ It was mind-boggling, and I said, ‘See, if we shared more often we could support each other,’ and I think they got it. I tell them, ‘All of us have problems, none of us are perfect, so leave your masks at the door.’”

Alex Winninghoff, formerly an English teacher at Federal Way High school in Federal Way, Wash., posts colorful infographics on her walls to show that illnesses such as depression and anxiety are common in young people. “That communicates I’m available to discuss these issues with them—and they do come to me,” says Winninghoff.

Like Sunderlin, Winninghoff distributes an interest survey as the semester starts to help her get to know students better and develop personal relationships with them. If a student looks down, she’ll put a sticky note on his desk that says “I’d like to chat with you after class,” and then she gently asks about what’s going on. Self-stigma around mental health problems can prevent kids from getting care, she says. “I’ve had them burst into tears and tell me about something they need help with and have been too ashamed to tell anyone.”

Monitoring strategies also can help educators identify any stigma at their school before it can cause students harm. For example, at Bishop O’Connell, students deemed to be at risk are matched with compatible teacher-mentors who frequently check in to make sure the students are faring OK. Among those mentored are students returning from residential care for mental illness, says Erin O’Malley, the dean of faculty. When harassment is identified early on, it can be dealt with before it escalates.

Kids with mental illness often long for help; they want to overcome their own shame and to not be teased about their problems, teachers say. “But they don’t want you to label them or point to this as a terrible deficiency,” adds Winninghoff.

Even one teacher can make a huge difference. Katie Williams, 21, knows that for sure. She had fought serious obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression since age 10, and by 11th grade was hiding her condition to avoid rejection. But Williams’ history teacher talked to Williams about her strengths.

“Nobody had ever done that before,” says Williams. “She told me I was so compassionate because I’d experienced so much stigma. I could help others. She asked me to become a tutor for kids who were the first in their family to try for college, and I did it. She kept saying, ‘Your illness is not you, it’s just a part of you.’ … Really, she helped me to stop stigmatizing myself, and that made all the difference.”

Her history teacher’s support prompted Williams to disclose her illness to classmates, who were mostly accepting, “and those that weren’t, they just dropped out of the picture for me,” says Williams. Her grades shot up, and now Williams is a senior at California State University, Sacramento, where she speaks to college-level classes to reduce stigma around mental illness.

“That teacher changed the course of my life,” Williams says. “She’s the reason I made it to college and am doing so well now.”

Start a Discussion Jumpstart class conversations about stigma by discussing Senate Bill 195: Mental Health in Schools Act of 2013. govtrack.us/congress/bills/113/s195

MYTHS vs. FACTS ON MENTAL ILLNESS MYTH Mental health problems are rare in childhood and adolescence.

FACT About one out of five U.S. children has a diagnosable mental disorder in any given year. Half of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by age 14.

MYTH Very few students become so troubled that they think about committing suicide.

FACT About one out of six high school students say they have seriously thought about attempting suicide.

MYTH Males and females are about equally likely to become depressed.

FACT Before adolescence, rates are the same. From midadolescence through adulthood, depression is about twice as common in females as in males.

MYTH People with mental illness are often violent.

FACT Many people with mental disorders are not violent, and most violent acts are not committed by people who are mentally ill. Overall, they’re responsible for just 5 percent of violent crimes. Those with serious mental disorders are, however, far more likely than others to be victims of assault and rape.

Sources: National Alliance on Mental Illness, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Institute of Medicine of the National Academies, Mentalillnesspolicy.org

#mental health #ability #disability #psychology #anxiety #great depression

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