#so I think I got covid again life is pain I hate

[majimasleftasscheek]

😷

[fletchingbrilliant]

🌙some wildly cheap commissions!🌙

🙃 for some even wilder reasons 🙃

hey y'all. long post thingie but it's got cute pictures so please check it out

TRANSCRIPT OF POST

hey frens got something kinda somber to talk about. most of you are very aware of the existence of my beautiful fiance and co-creator of basically everything i do. zae and i are getting handfasted (marriage for pagans) in october, and have been living together for about 10 years. in 2021, zae got really fucking sick, and after a few false starts, was diagnosed with a rare for of vasculitis called granulomatosis with polyangiitis, GPA for short. it’s an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in blood vessels and other tissues, ultimately stopping blood from getting to the parts of the body that need it, affecting many areas, but primarily the respiratory system. while the cause isn’t known, it usually presents in people in their 50’s or 60’s, but complications from a third bout of covid-19 appears to have made it emerge way earlier for our boy. at least, that’s what we think. his case is extremely aggressive, advancing faster than anyone could have expected. in zae’s case, it actually attacked his kidneys first, and then went after his lungs, causing both to threaten shutting down for good. he was extremely anemic and needed a ton of transfusions, narrowly avoiding dialysis, and we spent weeks in the hospital keeping him alive. he was placed on two different kinds of chemotherapy to combat the disorder. he lost his hair, went through even more fatigue and pain on top of what the disease had already put him through, and had to accept a plethora of changes to his life that will last forever. a lot of you out there have harrowing experiences of your own when it comes to chronic and potentially terminal conditions, too, I’m certain. “it’s not fun” is an understatement. though there were a couple of really fucking close calls, zae’s GPA went into remission. his hair grew back fuller and more luscious than it had ever been before. (i later learned these are affectionately referred to as “chemo curls.”) remission for gpa is usually expected to last at least 5 years, potentially up to 20, before any symptoms resurface. but zae’s case was particularly aggressive, so of course he’s not so lucky. he’s relapsing now. his symptoms have been slowly returning, and it’s been decided that he’s going back on chemo. it’s no surprise that this shit is expensive, even with insurance. we’re still paying off the care he received last time because ‘murca. being disabled myself, work has been… let’s call it inconsistent, yeah? yeah, that’s a nice and comfortable thing to call it. no one’s doing well financially these days, so we of course have to get creative. long story short(er), i’m doing a commission special! for the next MONTH, i am offering fast commissions at crazy-low prices to try and help us create a cushion to keep us afloat and relatively comfortable while we begin the chemo process again. there’s several options for a variety of budgets, because i really hate the idea of seeking something for nothing, and i absolutely abhor having to reach out in this way. it makes me feel vulnerable and icky and… i’m sure you all understand that, too. i can’t thank you all enough just for following me, and engaging with mine and zae’s work. it may sound trite, but that really makes a difference to us, especially when we’re dealing with something so painful. so if you can’t or don’t want to partake of the sale, please know that you are still a huge help to us, and we seriously appreciate each and every one of you. like, so fucking much. thanks y’all love, fletch

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[vaperarmand]

Initial hopeful DM anon here. Sorry it took me this long, I tried picturing Daniel's turning and my mind just got stuck in the moment when the penthouse door closes after Louis and Daniel realizes that he's alone in a closed space with the vampire who tortured him for 6 days and who must be furious with him now and Louis's threat is likely useless cause Armand is way powerful to be killed. And suddenly the flashbacks flood Daniel's brain again and his heart is pounding and he can feel the stare of Armand's eyes on his back - khm yeah, anyway.

I really like your interpretation of Armands spite and I also like the other anon's idea that he'd punish himself this way. I'd be happy with either honestly, they both make sense in their own way. Here's my 5 cents.

Old Daniel is different from his younger self. He might be the same desperate and needy person deep inside (and I'd love to see that portrayed by Eric), but the Daniel we've seen so far in Dubai wouldn't beg for the dark gift the way he did in the books. He doesn't remember past DM, so he'd also be too afraid of Armand to demand it. There's also an issue of trust - i don't think modern day Daniel would trust Armand enough to let himslef be drained. Armand definitely wouldn't force it upon him.

Which means in the show it was Armand who offered the dark gift to Daniel. I think this wouldn't be a departure from the books, because there (correct me if I'm wrong) Armand didn't just agree to Daniel's constant pleas, he decided it was finally time, because he couldn't risk Daniel dying.

Now, walk with me. Armand is aware Daniel's life is in danger because of 1) the great conversion in combination with the book (which Daniel is definitely going to publish) and 2)Parkinsons in combination with covid.

Past DM definetly happened and however it ended I'm sure it was painful. The past two weeks have also been living hell because Armand remembers, but Daniel doesn't. And now Armand is left alone with himself, he just lost both Louis and Lestat, he has no coven, Daniel is all he's got. Daniel, who's about to leave too and then he could die at any moment and Armand wouldn't even be able to protect him. Then he'd be truly alone.

Now imagine if Armand, being torn apart both by Daniel's betrayal and by the fact that Daniel doesn't even recignize it as betrayal, terrified of Daniel's possible death, had to ask Daniel to trust him and let Armand turn him because this is the only way to esure Daniel's safety.

And then Daniel would be both too scared and too snarky to trust him. So Armand would be the one to beg. He would have to tell Daniel about past DM, maybe give back the memories, knowing Daniel will despise him for taking it all away, but at least it would mean he could protect Daniel even if he'd hate Armand for eternity.

I LOOOVE THIS. well i mean for starters i love the idea that armand would have to beg. like that the frantic desperate energy he uses to talk to louis sort of continues as he gets daniel to stay and talk to him and accept the gift. honestly would be so fun to see daniel come around to it too, going from warily intrigued to nervously accepting.

i also love it in the way that it recalls armand as coven leader which is something i don't see a lot and something i myself have a sort of difficult time extracting to put into his character! him doing it out of love and protection is so awesome. he's like by the way you are my firstborn AND my coven now. no take backsies

[zuzsenpai]

mental health update

I've been having a pretty shit year as far as mental health goes. I mean, I had an actual mental health crisis in February that was one of the scariest times in my life. It was all because I was trying to taper off a psych med and apparently that was a BAD idea.

In the months that followed, I was able to avoid a bad depression spiral thanks to getting back on that particular med. But I've been getting more and more exhausted, and when I have anxiety, I have it REAL bad. Like shaking and chest pain bad. Thought I had covid and nearly passed out waiting the 15 minutes for the test results. Zuko was sick and had surgery and I was in a constant state of misery and shaking and dizziness. I know I should probably get like... Xanax or something for this. Maybe I will in the future.

Anyway, my focus is almost non-existent these days. During and after Zuko's health crisis last month, I have been at a point where my brain just can't move. I think I've spent the last 30 days scrolling tumblr because that and projects at work (the ones with deadlines) are the only things I can actually get my brain to do.

I want to work on fanfic. So I open a project, but then am immediately like "no I can't get myself to mentally be on the same page as this project". I think about a different project and my chest feels tight because I both want to do it and don't want to do it. It's painful. I accomplish nothing. I want to play a game or watch a show but the thought of putting effort into those things destroys my ability to do them. I just sit and continue scrolling tumblr. I long for conversation but when I'm actually conversing with someone, I can only manage a few words and I hate myself for it. I long for validation or praise on past projects to help motivate me into writing fanfic again, but I know that's selfish and I know it doesn't motivate shit.

This is where I am right now. I don't know how to have fun or relax. I don't know how to focus on anything. I don't know how to want to focus on anything. I waste entire days fretting about doing nothing.

I've also never been more exhausted in my life. I got bloodwork done on vitamin D, B12, iron, and thyroid. All are within normal range. So I'm getting a consultation with a sleep doctor (I get about 5% deep sleep per night, which is NOT good). We'll see how that goes.

I'm starting an exercise routine soon. I'm hoping that does something helpful. But I keep pushing the date back in my mind like "let's start exercising next week"... so you can imagine how that's going.

[mitzymossy33]

Jinx is my comfort character, here’s why;

So, ima be real with y’all for a second , I’m nit someone who likes to go on and on about trauma and dump my issues into other people, but I feel the need to post this, before we start, TW for mental illness, SA, childhood trauma, etc. Read at your own risk. So, Jinx, is my comfort character, and you may be asking why? While I don’t have schizophrenia or schitzo-affective disorder or anything else that would enable me to have hallucinations, Unless you account taking 12 melatonin gummies in one night, (I did that ONE time, ONE, okay?). But anyways, enough with the jokes, while I personally don’t have hallucinations, my mom did. A little backstory, my mom has pretty severe mental issues stemming from lots of childhood trauma, first off, SA, her dad left, she started smoking and doing drugs at like 11, got sent to a CATHOLIC boarding school labeled for troubled girls in the 80s-90s (you can tell how that went down) and whole lot of other stuff. Anyways, yeah, a lot. That’s why I feel for Jinx so much, her hallucinations, where erratic behavior, everything, because it feels so real, I’ve seen a bit of discussion on whether or not Jinx is a good representation f mental illness and I have to advocate for yes, I’ve seen first-hand what mental illness and trauma can do to a person, and it is not pretty. I remember days when I my mom used to hold me and ‘I can’t see you, I can’t see you’ and at the time I didn’t think much of it, but now that I understand what she went through, my stomach churns thinking about it. Most of my life my face probably looked distorted to her, even my dad’s did. Imagine a world where you can’t see the faces of your loved ones. Anyways, I appreciate the realism of Jinx, the delusions, the hallucinations, the mood swings, the impulsivity, everything, it’s just portrayed so tastefully and I could not be more grateful, with a lot of ‘crazy characters’ for example Harley Quin in the Birds of Prey movie, well, yes, she’s supposed to be crazy, she lacks actual mental illness, or it’s just played for laughs. It feels shallow. Watch a few Harley Quin scenes where she’s supposed to be acting unstable and you’ll see what I mean. The problem with the manic pixie dream girl, is that she lacks, well, mania. With Jinx, we see that, we don’t just see ‘oh haha crazy=funny=sexy’ we see her struggle, it’s scary, terrifying, all the other characters have to walk on eggshells often so she doesn’t go off the rails, like in the dinner scene, they all know one wrong move and someone ends up dead, and someone did. She flinches and reacts at hallucinations, which to others may seem odd, but it was the same with my mother, she would always grunt and put her arms up in a defensive position, reliving that pain, and that trauma over and over again. It’s genuinely sad, but unfortunately, you can’t just have someone be fixed, it’s a tragic reality, and that’s why Jinx’s behavior feels like a lunch in the gut.

Another thing is Jinx’s identity thing, and while my mom didn’t start going by a new name, I personally relate to it, you see, because of my mom’s mental illness, and me being homeschool by her until sixth grade, it caused me to not have the best childhood myself. After I got out, and started processing and realizing what happened, I wanted to escape, I did this through maladaptive daydreaming, escaping into my own world where I was a new person, free of of what happened, someone who went through much worse and still came out on top, and that gave me comfort, because if she could do it, why couldn’t I? Anyways, at my worst in my mental health, this got taken to a new extreme, I started hating my birth name, wanting to separate myself from it and be a new person entirely, I went Cass, Cassie, Cassandra, and Moss, until I settled on Mossy. It was my way of reclaiming my freedom, saying that I wasn’t that same little girl who was so isolated that covid felt like nothing changed. That I wasn’t that little girl who had to listen as my mom had mental breakdowns, as my parents relentlessly fought, as my mom shook me and told me god’s an A-hole. It was a separation of identity, kill the past, embrace the future. And while I don’t hate my birth name anymore, I still choose to go by Mossy online for sake of privacy, as well as it just being my nickname. I feel the need for freedom from the Jinx and Powder thing. I love how realistic Jinx is, and I can only wish for her to have a happy ending, even though that is extremely unlikely. But, if you stuck it out this far, thank you for sticking around and I hope you didn’t mind my bit of trauma-dumping, just really wanted to pour my personal views and experiences into the amazing show that is Arcane!

Anyways, I hope you like my analysis, I wanted to go more in depth, but my memory was fogging up due to my brain blocking out what happened. Maybe I’ll edit this or update it somewhere in the future, but for now, this is what I got.

[muttfangs]

my ongoing chronic illness shit is incredibly tiring and painful my ongoing mental health shit is incredibly tiring and painful its impossible for me to make connections w/ ppl irl. I'm trying. autism is hell. people read me as an arrogant cis man and then immediately hate me and are icked out by me. nobody takes covid seriously and it's also fucking impossible to find covid cautious spaces. it's impossible for me to find a partner and I think at this point I have to accept I never will. I want to fucking slam my head through a wall seeing all my various online / irl friends get married or have long term loving relationships. ive been single for 3+ years with dozens of failed attempts. ppl I think things are going well with just ghost abruptly. I don't know why. i'm never told why. or, I attracted ppl who emotionally / verbally abuse me and I obviously will not stay there. it's hell. i'm in fucking hell. I have no family support and never will. I have no therapist bc they abruptly were discharged from the practice. I'm too burnt out and too fucked up and I already know precisely whats wrong with me and it can't be fixed by talk therapy any more than medication can only do so much to "balance" my rotted fucking brain I'm poor. I live in fucking squalor. can't really afford groceries the way I need to. my apartment looks cluttered and small no matter how hard I try. I dont have a proper bed. I've been sleeping on a futon for the past 3 years. I dont have room for furniture. I have basically nothing but my apartment always looks cluttered. my job makes me feel like i'm not a person. by the time I get home I don't even want to speak, leave my apartment, or socialize. and then I have to do it again. and again. and again. I'm stuck in the time loop from hell. I'm being left behind and only tolerated as a 'pity' by my irl friends here. I set my boundaries down w/ one of my friends numerous times for being a creep to me to the point where id have to actively avoid him at his own house parties. he decided that was unacceptable and he never did anything wrong, so I'm the one who got kicked out of the friend group. seeing pictures of my irl friends at his annual halloween party that ive been at the past 4 years. life moves on without me. I'm being punished for saying 'no'. at home alone. no parties. no friends. fuckin rules. I hope I die

[laineystein]

(Prompted by your post about leaving for work.) Do you enjoy your work as a physician? I've been a nurse for 10 years but am desperately trying to change careers to something outside of healthcare. (Oh, how I'd love to have one of those jobs people were able to do from home on their couch in PJs during Covid. I think they just read spreadsheets all day or something.) I'm burned out. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of taking care of other people. But it makes me feel inferior to my healthcare colleagues because they're ~passionate~ about ~caring for people~ and I don't hold that same passion 😅

First I’ll say that even the people that love their jobs have bad days and doubts. That’s life. But this is a tough question.

Do I enjoy my work as a physician? Yes, mostly. I love emergency medicine and working in an ED. I am absolutely passionate about being able to help people during some of the worst moments of their lives. I’m proud of how hard I’ve worked to be where I am in my career. I love my unit and my hospital and my team. I’m phenomenal at my job and I couldn’t picture myself doing anything else. However, COVID completely changed my life. Something that I loved became something I hated. Things have definitely gotten better the more time passes but the pandemic gifted me with moderate PTSD and it can flare depending on various factors, which can make working in a hospital nearly unbearable sometimes. I think the great part of emergency medicine is that when things need to happen, you just do it. Anxiety and flashbacks and pain go out the window when you’re helping someone else. But sometimes after a code or after hours in the trauma bay, when everything is stable again, the situation hits me and it can be very triggering. I understand this isn’t everyone’s experience but for those of us who worked in healthcare during COVID, we are forever changed.

So yes, I’m also burned out and forever exhausted. And I know so many of my friends in healthcare feel the exact same way. I was supposed to be on a bit of a sabbatical then October 7th happened and now I’m back in the hospital for 24 hours/wk. But I am passionate about what I do even though it’s different now. I’m so passionate about what I do that my favorite part of my week is the remaining 20+ hours where I get to teach emergency medicine to students/soldiers that haven’t been disillusioned by a pandemic and the overall state of healthcare.

Please know that so many in the healthcare field are burned out and exhausted like us. It seems to be the norm. But it sounds like your malaise may be more than that, and that’s okay! I’m proud of you for recognizing that nursing may not be a great fit and I hope you find something that more aligns with what you’re looking for and ideally makes you happy. I know “starting over” can be tough so it might be advantageous to look into more clerical nursing jobs - case management, insurance review (in the US), recruiter. The change of pace/scenery might spark the passion that initially got you into nursing (it can be difficult to think clearly when you’re knee deep in the problem) or it might show that you need a complete change and I have faith that you’ll find it. All the love and best of luck! 🫶🏼

[write-kin]

Greasy Spoon

Finch has a bad time with the resident cannibal of Pike's Peak.

DISCLAIMER: i have covid and this was not beta'd at all.

CWs: burning, injury, kidnapping, torture (?), grievous misuse of the back of a fast food restaurant.

-

“Let me guess,” Duke says, perched on the counter. Staring down at Finch with blue eyes that seem to reflect light just a little too much, “you never worked a customer service job in your life?” Finch pulls at his binds, not answering quite yet. He’s hogtied on the floor, head to the side so he can look up at that smug bastard sitting above him. 

“No, your girlfriend covered all the money you’d ever need. You moved in with her right out of high school, and she paid for your every whim.” He hops off the counter, walking around Finch, who is staring at his legs whenever they enter his field of vision. How the hell did he get here? No matter how he moves or how long he lays here, the tile floor of the dark kitchen he’s trapped in remains freezing cold on his chest. 

“Top surgery. Hormones. When you had to get your appendix removed. All paid for without having to think about it. You got an easy job at a multi-million dollar company. Cushy work in an office where everyone loved you. All you had to do was stay in her good graces, huh?” Finch’s attempt to respond is cut short by a heel in the small of his back. “And you still fucked that up.” “What’s your- your point here?” God, Finch hates how his voice shakes. He’s scared. Terrified for his life. And it shows, it shows like nothing else. He’s not ashamed of it. He’s not ashamed that he feels things, that he’s not infallible. 

No, what makes him hate it is how Duke laughs. Reaches down to grab the rope that connects Finch’s wrists and his ankles. For someone almost half a foot smaller than Finch and with far less visible muscle, he’s strong. Finch feels like little more than a bag of feathers as he’s dragged further back into the kitchen, with no regards for his physical discomfort. 

“All I wanted to point out was that you missed a fairly universal lesson learned in a small town like this.” One last sharp tug, and he stops moving. There’s a heat to one of his sides, but Finch is too scared to turn his head, to move himself to try to look at it. 

“You’re not making any sense.” “Finch. You can’t be that stupid.” Finch’s instincts scream at him to snap at Duke, to tell him he’s being purposefully obtuse to have some kind of faux-intellectual superiority. Instead, he shuts his trap and looks up at that smug face before Duke speaks again.

“Where are we?” “The back of a restaurant.” “Good, good. What does this restaurant serve?” “I don’t know. I haven’t been here in years.” Duke laughs a little, comments under his breath that if this was his restaurant, he’d have slit Finch’s throat for that sort of comment. 

“No,” he says, “luckily, we’re just in the back of some shitty chain burger place. If I killed you somewhere I owned, could you imagine the media circus? Nobody will miss this place once it shuts down after a dead body is found in it.” Through his terror, Finch thinks that Duke really seems to enjoy the sound of his own voice. 

Any thought he has after that is cut short, though, when something hits his back. 

His nerves refuse to register it at first. 

And then they do, and several pinpoints on his back are on fire. Burning. The heat seeps into him, and he can’t hold back the sharp gasp. The cry of pain. 

“Someone forgot to turn the fryers off,” Duke explains, a smug tone seeping into his voice, “which is unfortunate. A fire hazard.” 

Finch turns his head, trying to figure out what was going on. He was met with Duke holding the basket of a deep fryer, shaking it onto his back. The droplets hit his back. His arms, One flew onto his cheek. The pain took a moment to register to him, and when it did, he wished it hadn’t. 

Another. The last set hadn’t had a chance to cool off enough to stop hurting yet. He can’t see it, but Finch can feel those spots turning an angry red, rising up in burns. Some of them stop hurting, but there’s no solace in those, because the nerves have simply stopped responding. 

Instinctively, he tries to pull himself out of the position, the ropes around his wrists and ankles chafing as he tried to pull out. 

Another. More this time, harsher, some on his neck, some on the rope burns he’d just created. Finch screamed, and only earned himself the heel of Duke’s sneaker in his back again, pressing into the burns and making it worse. 

Another. Another. Another. One after the other, Duke’s expression a lazy contentment as Finch loses himself, his voice, his mind in all of the screaming and sobbing and begging. He doesn’t know how long it’s been. Just that every time there’s more, every time it’s worse and there’s never enough of a break to calm down or to brace himself.

He’d tried to confront a cannibalistic serial killer on his own. What the hell did he think would happen, Finch chides himself? An apology? “Oh, sorry, you’re right, I’ll stop kidnapping and eating people.”

Finch is sobbing, and shaking, and when he looks up, through bleary eyes, at Duke, he’s met with a smile. A hand in his hair, pulling his head up. 

“Oh, you look nice like this. Were you going to tell me you looked so handsome when you cried?” 

He can’t respond. His voice is long gone, somewhere with his confidence and self-respect. 

“You’ve been through a lot. But I think I’ve come to like you. Tell you what. You survive this, maybe I’ll keep you. You don’t, and I leave your body here to be found tomorrow morning. Okay?” Duke clearly takes the strangled noise Finch makes as an okay. 

He sets the fry basket down on the floor in front of Finch, and all Finch can hear is some clanking behind him before Duke makes a noise of approval. 

And then, the sound of boiling oil on hot metal. This time, it’s not droplets. It’s a sauce-pan, which Finch unfortunately and unceremoniously finds out when he’s met with a wave of burning, scalding pain. His arms instinctively jerk, which only serves to make the entire situation several times worse. 

It’s hot pain, and then the feeling of his head hitting the tile floor, and then nothing. 

Duke takes his time. Cleans any fingerprints he’d left. Makes enough of a mess it looks like someone had ransacked the place. Takes the cash from the unlocked register where the teen employee had slacked on closing up. 

Grabs the still-bound and still-barely-breathing Finch and drags him out the back door. About time he became a missing persons case, anyways. 

[hoosurdaddy]

Chapter 9.

Pairing: post covid!Stan Marsh x post covid! Reader, post covid! Kenny McCormick x post covid! reader.

Triggers: 18+, cheating, smut,gaslighting, fighting.. Reader is married to Stan, bad grammar, short.. Rushing this so I'm finally finished a series

--

Stan had been staying at Kyle's while you took time to think on your decision. Stan wanted to drink himself silly so he wouldn't remember what this whole week had entailed, but when he looked at the bottle, he couldn't bring himself to do it. If he couldn't have you, than no one could, especially not Kenny. Never Kenny. Stan wanted to do something mean and hurtful, like you had done to him. He had thought about texting Wendy to see what she was up too, but everytime, he remembered your wedding and he couldn't. Maybe you could, but he couldn't. He had given you an ultimatum on Saturday. Today was Monday, You only had a day left to decide.

He had decided to go into town to find something to do since he was cooped in Kyle's bachelor pad. As he walked through the town of South Park, he noticed a stupid orange hoddie in the window. He didn't even stop himself as he walked straight into the coffee shop and up the ex lover, who was sitting with Heidi Turner.

Kenny looked so fucking stupid. His bruising had gone down, however, the yellow and purple scarring made him look like a fucking whimp. Stan would 100% do it again, given the opportunity. But instead, he was staring him down.

"I bet you're happy." Stan started as he stared at Kenny. "You got to make yourself look like a big hot shot the past few days, but in all honesty, you look desperate." He pressed his hands against the table. Kenny didn't reply, he just stared at Stan back.

"She hates you, I hope you know that." Stan laughed. "I know this was you getting back at me Kenny, I know you've always been jealous."

"Oh yeah?"

"You're mad cause I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful home with my wife, a successful job, good friends.. Let's see, didn't you and your family share pop tarts for dinner? Did you split a twinkie for dessert when you were good?" Stan picked up Kenny's hot coffee cup, observing how they spelt his name wrong before slamming it back on the table, a little bit of hot coffee staining his hand. "Stay the fuck away from Y/N."

"We work together, dumbass."

"Not anymore." Stan laughed when he 'accidentally' knocked over Kenny's coffee this time. Heidi had pushed herself back before the hot coffee touched her and rushed to get napkins. Kenny stayed in place, letting the coffee burn him. "She cried and begged for me to forgive her. She told me what a mistake you were. I say around the third time I made her cum, with her big tits in my face, she told me you both were finished."

"You're a fucking liar, Stan." Kenny didn't need the imagine of Stan fucking you. He didn't want to hear about the touches you gave to Stan. He felt violence running through his blood.

"Tut, tut, tut. Behave McCormick."

Kenny watched as Stan patted him on his bruised cheek, making him hiss in pain. "You and Y/N? You're finished. You're both done. You will never look, speak, or even think about her, understood?" Stan stepped away to let Heidi clean up the spilled coffee. He threw Heidi a wink before exiting the Starbucks. Going home to you doesn't seem so bad now.

--

Since Saturday, You had been doing a lot of thinking about your marriage, about a divorce, about the affair, about all the mistakes and wrong doings all your life. You knew you were never the perfect, but damn, you felt really fucking selfish. You felt so lost. You knew Kenny had always been a big part of your life since high school. He was your first friend, the best man at your wedding, your first crush, and your last too. Apart of you never wanted to end the affair with Kenny, he gave you a job and a sense of freedom like you had never experienced before. This feeling went deeper than just a quick fling.

But it was different with Stan. You had both been together since you were 17, high school and college sweethearts. This was the person you wanted to have babies with, and grow old with grandchildren. You couldn't help but bite down on your nails as you looked at the clock 3:20, Monday. This week seemed to be dragging. You had called in sick this morning, but even Butter's knew right well what a lie that was. But you didn't care. You needed the space to make up your mind.

At around 4:30, you decided to go on a drive and maybe go for a walk down Stark's pond. When you arrived at Stark Pond, you must of walked the lap of the pond five times before you felt your shoes getting wet from the snow. It wasn't until you heard your phone going on, you checked the message. It was Stan. And he was sending you pictures of the potential apartments you both could buy when you move to Wyoming. You frowned, putting your phone away.

You hated this, hated it more than anything.  You knew that it was your fault, but still, you hated it. The only sense of comfort you felt was being at Stark's pond right now. It felt like torture when you were alone in the bed. To anyone else, this would seem like a easy decision. Choose your husband. It wasn't that easy.

Regardless, you felt guilty. Guilty cause you were caught, otherwise you and Kenny would still be a thing. As you walked around the pond one more time as you were pretty sure you had some frostbite, you remembered how you and Stan would go on walks with Sparkie when he was alive, or during the summer when you and you friend group would come down to the pond to mess around.. Kenny, Stan and You were always together in one way or another.

You sighed, making your way back to your car but inside, you done nothing but sit there, thinking. You had made mistakes before. Such as when you hooked up with Trent Boyett at Bebe's house party, or that time you jumped off the window into the swimming pool at a frat party (thankfully you only broke a leg and was unconscious for a few hours). But never a mistake as bad as this.

It was not like the romantic movie love triangles. This was the furthest thing from romantic. You had no idea how you were going to fix it, or who you were going to fix this broken relationship with. Why couldn't there just be two of you?

Groaning, you rested your head against the steering wheel; when suddenly it made sense. How could you of been so stupid? Of course this was the right decision.

You started the car, speeding off, feeling the most hopeful you have been for a while.

--

"Y/N, what are you doing here?" Butter's asked as you ran through the office. Ignoring him, you ran into Kenny's office and slapped the room shut. Kenny nearly jumped three inches off the ground at the sudden appearance. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I love you." You started.

"What?"

"I love you." You repeated. "You were so right when you said I wouldn't of kissed you back or slept with you if I didn't feel something. It was obvious the entire time."

Kenny paused for a moment. "But?"

"I love you, Kenny.. But I love Stan too."

Kenny felt his entire body and office burning and crumbling around him, he felt like he was breathing in toxic fumes as you. Kenny stood up slowly to not startle you. "Please don't," Kenny's voice was trembling and dry.

“You haven't even tried to see what we'd be like a couple." Kenny continued, his shoulders fell in defeat. His hair was mess and he looked like he hadn't slept in a week. "You just said you loved me."

"And I do Kenny." You continued. "But Stan.. He's the love of my life."

Kenny shook his head, finally seeing what he had blinded himself for years from. You were Stan's wife, Mrs.Marsh. He had been warned by you a couple of times but Kenny had rose tinted glasses at all. His heart hurt. It made sense; of course, no matter how much Kenny loves you, you'll always love Stan more.

"Sweetheart." Kenny pleaded.

You shook your head, stopping Kenny by raising your hand. "And I'm quitting, I'm moving to Wyoming with Stan."

Kenny, this time had to sit down to stop himself fully collapsing. "But.." Kenny's voice trailed on quietly throughout the room.

"But nothing. I am going to Wyoming with Stan, we are going to start our live over again.. The life want." Kenny felt bile bubbling in his stomach acid being dragged up to his throat, his eyes widened. It took everything to stop the sob coming from his mouth.

"The good life, right? A home, a loving partner, kids? You have that here already, in South Park. The good life? why can I be the person to give you all that." Kenny was begging a woman he has been inlove with since high school for something, anything. 'I love you' wasn't enough. He understood you had responsibilities but with the pitiful look on your face mirrored his and Kenny knew you had your mind made up.

“Stan is giving me a second chance in a new place away from South Park. I have to do this, I want to do this." Kenny remained quiet, his heart racing. You, on the other hand, weren't sure how you managed to get through a full conversation with Kenny without crying (you wanted too of course but managed to stay strong). Tears brimmed in Kenny's eyes, he quickly blinked them away.

“Bye Kenny. Wish me luck"

Your name left Kenny's lips as you left, but you didn't turn back to see what he wanted. Instead you allowed to be carried away from Kenny McCormick once and for all.

Wyoming here you come.

[hislittleraincloud]

Sigh.

I had to explain why Afterburn hasn't been finished yet, so I'll repeat part of how I responded to this really awesome (I mean that...I love all my fans 😭) fan, but here with harsher lang because I have hate for this fucking bitch who hasn't even given me a "Thank you" for anything and has just fucking ghosted me after she got out the last time:

1. The Junkie Neighbor and The Cat. Her fucking going in and out of rehab fucked up my creative process because I had to take care of the cat and her apartment every night for long stretches at a time. I've posted pics of kitty, and will post the last one I think I'll ever take with him (😭😭😭😭😭 I raised him from a kitten) under the cut. This bitch was supposed to be my friend, but she has fucking...problems with herself and her personality disorder. I have zero idea why she hasn't responded and I don't even know where the fuck she is. So if she's reading (I think she knows of this blog), the YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME, BITCH. And what you're doing right now is fucked up.

2. My 17yo dog is on his last legs. I've written how he's had seizures, but I haven't written how his barking after a seizure can get me a noise complaint from my shitty building manager, so that shit makes me anxious. I hand feed him, I help him get water the same way Peter Griffin helped Old Brian in that cutaway:

I wrap my boy's pills in gummies, not PB and beef 💀

LOL Except I don't have to push his tongue into the water like that. And I have to do it every...day...when he's awake. This is a disruption in my creative process too, because I REALLY wanted to pass out around 4PM today to be able to map and write all night but couldn't because he just would not settle. Dogs with dementia are like people with dementia, but less propensity towards violence when you try to help them (at least my old dogs are...they're small dogs and don't have any teeth left).

I didn't even mention my own health problems, in my explanation about how Afterburn's creation got messed. I've got Stage 4 CKD (kidney disease) and only 1 working kidney (lost the other to cancer in 2016). My kidney issues began when I was in France in 1986 and they failed on me because I ended up having HSP (and the strange nature of HSP and the possibility of certain vaccinations bringing on HSP in a few people has left me practically defenseless against COVID). Another HSP flare up would literally kill me (because there would likely be kidney involvement, and since I only have one left...the first time was Hell on Earth, I was pissing and shitting blood — stool is black when that happens...and my urine was bright red — and my parents thought I was gonna die), but I've been masking since January 2020 and have no intention of unmasking.

Having one kidney leaves me utterly exhausted to do any simple thing, so most of my energy goes to taking care of my boy/my girls. I'm on BP meds, PTSD meds, and pain meds (for chronic pain; I suffered through childhood arthritis that just ended up continuing into my adulthood), and when the Big Pharma pain meds don't work, I use cannabis. I don't really talk about or complain about it as explicitly as I am now bc it's tiring to explain over and over again why I'm a useless sack of 💩. I worked a "normal job" until I couldn't anymore; I am physically disabled.

Besides my seniors, the one other bright spot in my life is the baby. I have an Ask that wants more pics of her (I got it shortly after I posted her "Lookit me, I'm Jenna Ortega 🤓🤓🤓" glasses pic LOL), and I was going to do a whole post on her but I'll just slip a pic or two under the cut with the others.

I'll stop yapping and do that. Dogs under the cut.

This is my life now:

And before anyone gets on me about "HE NEEDS WET FOOD!", he gets wet food, but he likes his dry food. I try to spray it with water for a bit of moisture, but if I spray it too much, he won't eat it.

The orange on his face is pasta sauce (he likes licking cans...and he gets what he wants).🫠 It's sometimes hard to clean. He is always wearing pajamas (he has 6 different ones) and his elephant hoodie (he's got 3 of the same, so I can switch them out). Weird story but...one time several years ago I got him a simple elephant costume (the hood had the trunk, the body was thin jersey material but it also had 4 plush legs and a tail 🤣) and he LOVED it so much that he basically wore it out. He would get sad when it wasn't on him and excited when I would hold it up after it dried/after washing. He's fkn weird, okay? So I looked online to see if I could find another one but instead found the elephant hoodie. It doesn't have legs or a tail, but it has the trunk and it's soft and he likes it as well. Having him clothed really helps when I need to hoist him up onto the couch or help him drink. He doesn't have loose skin and even if he did, I wouldn't want to grab onto skin. It's my job to make him as comfortable as possible, not to hurt him.

Now this little (17yo as well) old lady here:

I inherited her from a nasty (racist) old bat who died right before the pandemic. Bat had CKD as well, but she went into kidney failure at some point after she wouldn't listen to me about fixing her diet (she had uncontrolled diabetes too...her blood sugar was over 400 at one point when I was visiting her at her physical rehab with the dog 😨).

She is blind, but even before she went blind, she was freaky about being handled when she didn't used to be. She can't walk outside because she gets disoriented, so she uses the pee pad set up I have for the seniors. I do love her like my own, as she is my own now (my last screenplay actually features a dog just like her). She was part of the same dog group as my boy in the rescue that I worked at...my other boy from the same rescue passed in 2021 and devastated me. His passing led me to find this little baby here:

She only wears jammies when it's cold in here.

I had never gotten a puppy before, but I was in a really dark place when my other boy died. I was seriously contemplating taking myself out too (God knows I have enough drugs here to do so). But I channeled my grief into cleaning up this place and finding another pomchi/chion (we were never sure what he was, but I think he might've been part Papillon because of his ears/fur/tail)...and I found one, albeit chocolate instead of white. I've had her since she was 8 weeks and a day, and thank the gods that she's the sweetest and pretty low maintenance. I raised her on Harry Potter 1 and 2 and Victoria Stilwell videos, and she somehow picked up what good behavior is vs. bad behavior from the Stilwell videos 😶. She used to howl at Harry Potter during the Neville scenes and the Quidditch matches (and the Mandrakes scene). I didn't want to raise her on Potter, but I chose it because it was kid's thing and as soon as I put it on her eyes were glued to the TV. She also likes Stranger Things and is okay with Wednesday. She's spoiled af, so she's got toys from all of those (she ate off the legs of her fave Harry Potter plush, adores her Eleven squeaky toy, and loves her Enid plush...yes, the Kid Robot one that came in a set with Wednesday and Bianca, the latter of which I kept for myself because it's fkn Bianca).

Anyway. That's what's up with me. I have no one here to help me anymore, so it's just me and the dogs. If I fkn die, no one will find my body for days unless one of the dogs starts barking, and the baby doesn't normally bark (she wheeks like a guinea pig). I will likely ask one of the ficwives if they would be willing to at least know my notes for Afterburn in case something does happen to me. They know the general trajectory of the story for Afterburn 2, so they already know what happens with Wenovan, but they don't know the details of the whole (the Goodmen, Joseph Crackstone & Goody, OG Nightshades (Morticia, Gomez, Larissa, Chancellor, Vincent, Mina (the Twins' mother), Francoise, Osamu (Yoko's father), the Petropoluses, and Grandmama Addams (the oldest living "local" Nightshade)) story. I've yet to decide on a few other Elder Nightshades, but I've got ideas. The Nightshades and Wednesday's power as one are a BIG focus of Afterburn 2, so maybe now you get my irritance at the fkn show deleting 2/3 of them.

My boy's sleeping now so I guess I ought to sleep too, otherwise he'll wake up when I'm about to sleep and THAT fucks me up even more.

ETA: Forgot the pic of the cat.

My buddy, Prince (the name he was given when he was born, so ✨I✨ kept it, but his weirdo mom named him "Tennessee Tuxedo"). Wow, Tennessee... I just now realized that.... To me he will always be Prince Ovaltine of Meowcatsia, a cat who adored playing tag with me. 💔💔💔💔💔

[princessaurorasdiary]

Diary 2/26: life update cause it's been 6 months at least

Hi 👋🏼, It's been a long time, about 6 months about. I'm 23 now

I have a lot of up and downs and haven't felt like writing, and my main creative outlet has been TikTok because to be honest, I feel less alone when I can see that people saw my video, and maybe ever gave it a like or comment

I guess I'll talk a bit about the last 6 months, I work at a craft store now, quit my old horrible job that mistreated me constantly, got COVID soon after quitting the old job, went and saw a medium sized artist I like in concert, second ever concert, her name is Tessa Violet, dragged my bff with me cause we planned it for her to come down and visit me during Spring Break.

I also confessed to my crush, they said they like me too and have just as long as I have but she thought me flirting was pitty compliments cause ADHD runs through both of us lol, it's been moving really slowly cause things keep happening to her, the universe is just slapping her weekly bro.

I don't hate my job at the craft store, but I miss doing a version of my chosen career as a baker/cake decorator, really wish that place wasn't so toxic and that I had a car already.

I'm still trying to get a car, it took me 3 months to get a new job after quitting my old one, the COVID thing was a month of that but also just this job market sucks, origami current job was seasonal, but I have really good numbers on the register and I'm good at the other parts like stalking and sorting and fixing things on the shelfs so I got kept on. I make sure not to give a ADHD 100% anymore, it killed me at my old job and whenever I only had a normal person's 100% they acted like I was failing when I was just doing a normal amount instead of a crazy amount, so I learned not to grind myself to the bone.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this, probably not tho, I go to a weekly crochet club for months now, it's all older ladies and me but it's better than nothing with how I don't really have friends other than my best friend. They care about me and I care about them and it's nice to talk to others once a week.

I kinda ran outta steam for finding friends the last 2 months, I was trying and trying and I'm just tired after months and months or trying 🤷

I think about making a post all the time, but also feel like I'm writing into the void, which has been terrifying me lately, the void that is, long story short, I was stressed AF and couldn't sleep for days the day before Halloween and tried to smoke to fall asleep, but before I'd just taken a hit or two of my brothers sleep type vape, but actually smoked it that night for the first time and instead tripped horribly and it's still affecting me mentally, the memory of the horror that was that night.

Editing a note: I was basically trying to test for a bit if a sleep strain of weed would help with my at the time rampid insomnia since sleep meds either don't work on me or give me bad side effects, but after that night I'm probably never touching it again so ✌🏼

I also am just not feeling great medically, I just got my broken tooth pulled through and did my wisdoms at the same time and already feel better even with the jaw pain, so hopefully some of the not feeling well was because of my teeth, I've been working on trying to finally fix my teeth as well and I think it might actually happen now

Anyways, it's after 3:20am so I'm gonna go lay down even if I don't sleep till 4 cause laying down is better than nothing

[marshmallowprotection]

Slight tw for sort of health stuff and blood mentions

GE Saeran or Ray bc...my babies...with an Mc who is sort of a Germaphobe? Recently I have this awful habit of scrubbing my hands in the sink for super long, until they crack and bleed 😭 because I have a crippling fear of getting sick, I hate it its the worst ever, I have other chronic health issues caused by covid and ever since I've been just insane about germs. It's bad but sometimes I even scrub my hands raw just after holding or playing with my dog (and I hold and love on him FREQUENTLY) I have this like contamination thing, even the slightest brush up against something I deem unclean, i'm at the sink. it's bad. My hands look so gross and are in so much pain I can hardly move them from how much I wash them.

It's a bad habit and I know it needs to be fixed. I'd love some Ray or GE comfort about it ❤️ your writing always makes me feel better.

GE Saeran knows a compulsion when he sees one.

He isn't sure how many times he would have to do something for the sake of doing it so he wouldn't feel like he was going to be punished. It doesn't matter if it didn't make sense to anybody else in the room. He had to do something to make sure that it didn't feel like the walls were going to cave in on him.

For example, one way for him to gain control in a situation is to take a cold shower.

He will always revert to doing this even as he moves forward in his healing journey, because the only thing he can think to do to stop himself from feeling negative, is to shock himself. It's definitely not the best coping mechanism in the world but it's better than some of the others and he can learn how to find a better way as he goes forward.

It might not be the same as the compulsion that you deal with for your OCD, but he understands the sentiment. Understanding some of what you're feeling, it allows him the opportunity to be able to empathize and figure out the best way to help you feel comfortable again.

Sometimes, you can't help yourself and you have to go through with the compulsion otherwise you're going to feel like the end of the world. You have to follow through until you come together again. You don't need to feel ashamed of yourself for doing all the things you need to do to feel safe.

Even though it can be very distressing to know that you shouldn't be doing this to feel better. If he does know anything, it's that telling somebody that they shouldn't be doing something and that they should feel bad about it isn't going to help them. The best way to help somebody you care about is to treat them with kindness and respect in their moments of vulnerability.

So, in what ways does he try to make things better? Well, when you need to wash your hands, he has lotion ready so they don't dry out and cause further pain. That's the last thing he ever wants you to go through. It's hard for you to navigate your comfort in the long run, but minimizing any aftershock is essential to him.

It's a small thing in the grand scheme of it all, but it's better that he is able to understand what you feel and why it's not okay to force you to change your coping mechanism when you're not ready for it. This situation needs time and care, both with a therapist to help you with immersion therapy and the support of someone you trust in your life who won't make light of your pain.

"My love, I know people want you to think this is all in your head and that you've got control over it... but, I understand this isn't something that you can stop overnight. You need to breathe and forgive yourself for the hard days... I know you'd never let me feel ashamed when the compulsions I experienced suffocated me for so long... I want to be there for you the way you were there for me."

[unicornachos]

personal post!

hey hi I’m alive sorry for abandoning my blog for like 1.5 yrs??? I had a bunch of health issues and mental health stuff too :’) 

Like very full on... god what HASN’T happened. 

My body had a weird reaction to the covid vaccines in 2021? I ended up in hospital etc and was sick with mystery fatigue and shit for months and months.... I think I went to hospital like 4-5 throughout 2021? My body seems fine with the MRNA boosters I’ve gotten so maybe something in my body just hated the astrazeneca vaccine?? I’m kinda bitter about it bc of the ambulance bills I had to pay, but still, thank god for vaccines amirite

then, the apartment I was living in and loved got bought by someone who then wanted to move in, so I had to leave the place I loved living to somewhere still nice but way more expenno, and my health issues kinda continued?

then I started a new job

then my mental health got REALLY bad over the 2021/2022 christmas period to the point where I had to call an ambulance for myself bc my mind was in such a bad place. 

Then I started taking SSRI’s for depression/anxiety, but I had this weird reaction to the drugs and we think I had serotonin syndrome because of its interaction with the asthma meds I’ve been taking all my life? But at the time no doctors would listen to me and basically gaslit me into thinking all the pain was just a physical manifestation of my anxiety. Anyway, it caused some of the most horrific pain i’ve ever experienced in my life, in particular nerve and muscle pain in my legs, and I had to shower sitting down for weeks, couldn’t walk much around the house, and needed super strong meds to knock me out so I could sleep. 

I slowly healed and could walk again and do normal stuff for me around... late April?

While I was recovering I stayed with my mum but still paying rent in Sydney bc all my shit was there, so in June I killed my lease, put most of my shit into storage with a friend’s parent’s mini warehouse they use for their business (absolute legends and wholesome humans and I sent them money every month lol) and moved back home.

I started studying a certificate level course I’d been wanting to get over and done with for ages, so at the end of June I started studying.

Then once again mental health got bad, I tried SSRIs again, thinking it was me who was the problem last time I took them. BUT ACTUALLY, NO. Same physical reaction to the meds as last time, if not worse. It wasn’t my brain making shit up, it was an actual fucking drug interaction issue that ppl had tried to tell me was my anxiety and/or imagination!!! Queue horrific pain, weird symptoms, and once again the inability to walk or clean or work from anywhere but the couch.

Dr and I decided any meds that effect my serotonin levels are a no-go probably forever, and so I’ve been looking into CBD oil over the past few months to see if that will work for things instead.

Now I’m about... 2 months from that reaction, and started CBD oil 2 weeks ago (no reaction, side effects, or really anything yet) and can work at my desk as long as I have a big ass XL foot rest under my legs to keep them propped up, because I get nerve pain if I sit normally :’) I still can’t really go anywhere or walk anywhere other than around the house and for super short periods of time.

Also I powered through and finished my course just last week, so that’s out of the way at least! 

Other than that, I’ve just been like. Sleeping, reading, watching shows, napping, sleeping more, trying to eat well.... my job is a bitch but I’m trying rly hard to skill up so I can do more of what I’m interested in! I kind of don’t have energy for much else at the moment??

I have no idea if I’ll post again as regularly as I did a few years back, but I love Tumblr and I always feel glad coming back here and spending time in this place for a bit. These days I mainly only post stuff on my locked private twitter lol. But I have always preferred Tumblr’s longer format and vibes hehe.

ANyway that’s all for now! I hope anyone reading this has been doing ok. These past few years have been fucking tough and if all you have energy for is working and sleeping... you’re valid, dude. 

And if you plan to take SSRIs for your mental health, just be wary of serotonin syndrome!!!! Not enough ppl talk about it and a lot of doctors seem to have no idea it exists or also know little about it, but there are lots of cases of it in settings where ppl have been taking other meds and been given SSRIs! I’m not saying don’t take meds if you need them, but just reaaaallllyyy do your research first if you can about adverse reactions and interactions :’)

[trashboatprince]

As always, I make a little list at the end of the year to document the interesting things (be them good or bad) that had happened in the year.

Well, here’s 2022.

-My gf got to spend more time with me than originally intended for her holiday! :D 

-I caught covid right after she left, I think someone at work gave it to me

-Most of January and February are complete blurs, I legit cannot remember them like I can the rest of the year

-Around the World in 80 Days premiered in the states and I haven’t been the same since (also, my gf got to watch a few episodes with me! Hooray! She watched me make a silly fool outta myself while looking at my favorite pathetic blorbo, Phileas Fogg)  

-I went to the zoo for my birthday with my siblings, it was a lot of fun

-I fucked up my foot in April and have no idea how I did it, so now it’s a strange, horrible pain that comes and goes. My cane from when I snapped my other foot in half two years ago is still in use because of this. 

-Got the fucking official Good Omens 2 poster! 

-Went to a convention for the first time in years, along with a trip to Seattle and hung out with my aunt and cousin.

-Met amazing actors at the con. I met Christopher Eccleston, Billie Piper, Con O’Neil, and Harvey Guillen (who were all very lovely and all loved my birth name)

-Had to call 911 for the first time in my life and I hated every second of it :) 

-Lived on my own for a full year, which was trippy 

-Created a bunch of ships on my sideblog (this only appeals to me and the people who like my nonsense, but I’m rather proud of said nonsense)

-Was very productive in terms of art this year, wow, that was not expected 

-Got two new kitties 

-I watched the building across the street from my apartment go up in flames and the insides cave in. This was on Valentine’s Day. I still have photos on my phone of what I saw. 

I dunno what to expect in the new year, I just hope to go to the con again for my birthday and meet David Tennant, along with finally seeing Good Omens 2, the new Doctor Who specials, and to hopefully see my amazing gf again irl 

Oh, and, like, hopefully better health because I’m leaving this year with the fucking flu. Delightful. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

Is it currently raining where you are? No, but it was raining all day yesterday. I loved it.  

What's something that you have been wanting to say to someone? *shrug* What's your favorite thing to do at the end of the day? Well, I take my nighttime meds around 1030 or 11PM (it’s wild that I actually go to bed at a decent time now like most days I’m asleep before midnight thanks to my sleeping pill lol), so we have dinner around like 7 or 8 and my mom and I, sometimes my brother as well, watch TV until then.  When did you last use a lighter or matches? I don’t use them because I’m a scardy cat.  Do you or anyone you know have covid or the flu? My grandparents and one of my cousins currently have COVID. 

Do you have a hard time letting things go? Yes.  What did you last have to eat? A couple of Reese’s. I’ve always loved those, but these past few months I’ve literally been obsessed. Like, I have a couple (or a few, ha) just about everyday. I’ve gone through so many bags... :X Are you allergic to anything that is unusual? I’m allergic to tangerines, which is kinda random.  When did you last feel fear? Currently. I’m still dealing with health stuff and there’s certain things I’m afraid of happening.  What did you last drop? I think it was a roll of paper towels.  Have you ever been to a Halloween themed amusement park? No. What's something about your health that you would like to change? Everything? My health has taken so much from me. I haven’t felt like myself in SO long. This whole year was stolen from me. I want to be able to do things again and not have to be so dependent. I feel like I’m just wasting away. When did you last look on the mirror? Earlier when I brushed my teeth. I avoid looking into mirrors as much as possible cause I’m so self-conscious, so it’s only briefly when I really need to. I honestly prefer to use something like the back of my phone case that allows me to see enough, but it’s not a clear or full image like looking in a mirror. Yeah, I have issues.  When did you last have to go to the doctor? This past Thursday.  What color is your favorite shirt? Most of my shirts are black. What last made you smile? My mom brought me a bag of Reese’s.  Have you ever walked through a sunflower field? No. How often do you listen to music? I rarely do anymore, it’s so weird. For most of my life I always listened music, like not a day went by without it, but for the past couple years I’ve hardly listened to it and I don’t know why.  Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? What's your favorite song from her? No. Would you be happy if you got a lifetime supply of the last thing you purchased? I would love a lifetime supply of Reese’s, haha.  What's something great that has happened to you recently? I got positive news from my last doctor appointment, which was great. Finally seeing some real improvement with something I’ve been dealing with for years. Having a feeding tube and getting a lot of my nutrients that way, plus normal eating, has certainly made a difference. The progress has been slow, but hey it’s progress and I’ll take it.  How old were you when you had your first best friend? I was in preschool, so like 4.  Do you believe that anything is infinite? Well, I believe in life after death.  What did you last order from a fast food restaurant? My usual Taco Bell order: a bean burrito with no onions and extra sauce and cheese, a Doritos Loco taco supreme with no lettuce or tomato, a couple Cinnabon Delights, and a side of guacamole and sour cream. I’ve been obsessed with Taco Bell, too, which some of ya’ll may recall my obsession a few years ago lol.  How often do you have to purchase shampoo and conditioner? My mom stockpiles it cause she gets a discount at her job, so it’s been awhile since we’ve needed to.  What was the last pain you've had on your body? My back.  Is there anything currently bothering you? At this current moment I’m hot. I hate it because it’s been cold and my family is like wrapped in blankets all the time, but for some reason I’ve been hot most of the time. Last year I practically lived in my heating blanket, but I can’t even imagine needing that now. Although, I was really sick last year (worse than I ever knew, which I already thought it was pretty bad) so that’s likely why. I was so frail. :/ Would you ever paint your bedroom bright blue? Certain shades of it, perhaps.  What's your favorite way to eat rice? I like Spanish rice in my burritos sometimes. I’m not a big rice fan, though. Do you currently have a window open? No. I kinda want to open mine since I’m warm, but it’d get too cold for my family.  What kind of jacket do you like wearing most? I like my puffer coat.  Do you own a sherpa blanket? No. Are you currently wearing something green? I am, actually. I have a green shirt and a green bracelet.  Have you recently lost something? No. What's something that has really impacted your life? The incident that made me a paraplegic when I was 7 months old. That led to countless doctor visits throughout my life, several surgeries, and many health struggles.  What scents can you currently smell? The hand sanitizer I used earlier.  What did you last have as a snack? A couple Reese’s.  Are you currently listening to music? No. Would you say you're a strong person? I feel like a weak person, physically and emotionally, but I know some would say otherwise.  What's something you miss from the past? I really miss my childhood. It wasn’t without struggles, but honestly I think of more positive things when I look back on that time. I miss being a kid.  When did you last rush for something? I had to kinda rush to get ready for my appointment the other morning.  Do you require a lot of personal space or do you enjoy being around people often? I do like and need my personal space, but I also enjoy time spent with my family.  Have you drank enough water today? No.  Do you like lima beans? Blech, nooo.  What was the last lie you told? Uhhhh. What did you last plug into an outlet? I don’t remember.  Do you have anything due soon? Yes, but I paid all my bills for the month already. I need to hurry up and finish my Christmas shopping, though.  How many bottles do you see from where you're sitting? Two.  What was the last thing you took a picture of? It was a screen shot of a possible gift idea for my brother. 

[troglobite]

lkasjdf

if i've deduced my own pathetic issues correctly then i think

i've craved validation my entire life for doing things that were hard for me. but not other people.

but instead i got validation for doing things that were easy for me. but not other people.

i excel at school and tests. great, good job.

but like. okay. wasn't difficult for me. (not a brag, i'm lucky in that regard)

but doing group projects. talking to strangers. sleeping and eating without issue. answering phones as an office assistant in 7th grade. nope, nobody cares. do better. it's a disgrace that you were a classroom aide in senior year and couldn't answer the office phone for your teacher and he had to interrupt class to answer it. pathetic.

good job you got into good schools! you applied to good schools! well done!

oh my god you really can't just live on campus?

wow well done you're v responsible and i don't have to worry abt you!

jfc you really can't learn to drive? it took you this long and this much time and money and concern? jfc.

and it persists to this day.

ppl compliment me on things that i know i'm good at. that i'm performing for others.

and i've said for a long time that compliments make me uncomfortable so some ppl kindly avoided giving them (while others weaponized it against me to make me stop talking in a conversation)

but the reality is. i crave compliments and validation. it's all i want. and i don't want it to be for something i did. or something that i'm just good at.

bc that's never enough.

if i get a compliment for that i get a horrible rush and a high from it and then i keep wanting more.

bc in reality what i want compliments & validation for?

scheduling my own appts.

driving to places that i haven't been before.

handling a non-covid-safe situation well.

eating food that i was ocd-afraid of anyway.

being alone for 2-3 weeks in a house infested with spiders.

emailing people i dont' know v well and dont' like in high stress situations.

managing my own sensory stuff & meltdowns.

communicating boundaries well.

handling high/intense emotions in a way that's responsible.

actually improving from years of therapy.

but then the problem becomes like. i hate myself so fucking much and i never got validation for any of that, that when i get it from my therapist, it feels like a lie. like something i paid her to tell me. something she just says to people.

it doesn't feel true bc nobody has ever really said any of that shit to me and meant it in a way other than condescending pity.

every time i do something like that for my mom, she's surprised. and then she consistently never asks me for actual help. she doesn't actually rely on me.

she only ever asks me to do things that we've established i'm good at.

that's nothing. that stuff is easy for me. it's meaningless. doing it is literally no problem, literally easy. i will always do it. only logistics for that stuff are ever remotely difficult.

it's not the same as living in my head and doing the stuff that my head wants to kill me for.

but that's not hard to her or anyone else, so no one cares.

i want validation that i'm working so hard every day. but the only person who's ever said it to me is my therapist.

my mom sees me leave a box out to break down for the recycling later, and she assumes i must be in too much pain to do it. bc the concept of "yeah i'll get to that later" isn't okay.

prioritizing parts of my health or time and knowing some things just aren't time sensitive isn't a Skill, to her, it's laziness and carelessness and inconsideration.

even though i never ask her to do the things that i put off til later, and they never inconvenience her except on rare occasions. and that's usually when i've just forgotten.

she'll compliment me for writing a good email.

that's nice.

that's not the hard part.

the hard part is sending it.

she'll compliment me for doing well learning this new project at work.

that's nice.

again, that's not the hard part.

the hard part was doing all those training meetings with a woman i didn't know.

she'll reassure me abt that teacher's aide job i applied for (all the way back in 2021) that i ended up not getting, reassuring me that i'm good enough.

that's nice.

i might've been slightly insecure at the time, but that's not the problem.

the problem is i was terrified i had fucked up the interview portion.

because doing an interview is utterly fucking terrifying.

applying wasn't the hard part. DOING the job wouldn't have been the hard part.

interviewing for it and interfacing with a new person who's senior to me and explicitly judging me was the hard part.

but she never remembers that. nobody else ever really cares or notices that.

i've just spent my whole life being complimented for stuff that came easy to me. and being told that the shit i was bad at SHOULD be easy and i'm a disgrace/failure/inconvenience for being bad at it.

and no comfort or compliments for me for when i did it well or okay. because i'm supposed to do it.

when i would complain abt things being difficult or scary, i was told other ppl (in particular my cousin w cerebral palsy) had it worse so i should be grateful.

i was told as an adult, to my face, that i'm a spoiled brat because my fear and ineptitude at certain things made me not want to do a particular job, and i was having trouble communicating that. so instead she conclude that i was selfish and lazy and spoiled, and that actually she regrets not making me have a job my entire life starting at age 14/15, or even earlier, like her.

i get complimented for doing my testimonial job well.

but not about the hard part: which is interfacing w the ppl who respond to me and demand a further response.

it doesn't matter that it unsettles me and scares me and puts me on the spot. it doesn't matter that that's incredibly high stress. it doesn't matter that i hate navigating those situations. it doesn't matter that i'm terrified of looking bad or pissing someone off.

and it doesn't matter that THAT'S why i didn't want to do this job in the first place.

i only get compliments/validation for the easy part: gathering and editing the testimonials and sending them out and collecting them on time.

not the emails. not the interfacing. not the parts that are actually hard.

so when my cousin starts baking. and giving it to my mom. and getting compliments and attention.

i break down.

bc baking is one of the few things that people will actually compliment me on. i take it, emotionally, as a threat whenever somebody is as good as or better than me at one of the few things i'm good at.

bc if i don't have that. if i'm not the best at that. what do i have?

wow look at you you can type fast. and write emails and edit basic text. you can easily problem solve things that aren't complicated.

whoopdifuckingdoo.

i have nothing. my adult life has been the winnowing away of things i'm actually good at, desperately clinging onto them and trying to scrounge for every bit of validation that i can get.

because i'm never going to get it for anything else that's actually difficult.

it always turns into a joke. i always have to explicitly ask for it. and the response is always "yep" and that's it.

and i'm so fucking broken and useless and shitty that anybody trying to fix that, like my therapist, sounds like a condescending liar to me.

bc nobody--and i mean NOBODY--in my life. has ever seen what things are difficult for me. and had nothing but judgment-less compassion and understanding for me.

it's ALWAYS been judgment. when i was a kid, it was pity and condescension bc i was young and Shy.

and when i got older, it became "what's the excuse/problem? just do it. you can do all this other stuff [school] just fine."

and now that i'm an adult it's resentment. even when i'm getting better. it's never enough.

so no, i can't get enough compliments or validation abt the things i do that are good.

bc that's not actually doing anything to address the pit of self-hatred, shame, and humiliation at the fact that just living is difficult for me.

anyway i wish i had never been born.