#snicket five

[non-plutonian-druid]

[ID: A drawing in a style imitating the illustrations of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. The Characters are gathered in a library, largely not interacting with each other; Patch and Diego, both teenagers, are speaking to Jill, the librarian, at the front desk. Allison browses a bookshelf in the background. Viktor reads a book on the floor in the room behind them. Luther climbs a staircase in the foreground. Ben is watching Jill from halfway up the stairs. Klaus is smoking a little ways above him. Lila is lurking in a hallway behind them. End ID.]

A look at our characters of the ATWQ au before Ben disappears and Five arrives. Jill is the local librarian - actually a college student who was supposed to be an intern and instead has found herself the only employee - and Ben has a huge crush on her. Klaus doesn't like libraries much but can find things to do to entertain himself for a bit while Ben does his nerd stuff. Patch and Diego are investigators, Viktor is a regular, and Lila is new in town.

[laurrelise]

currently fucking sobbing over lemony snicket quotes in the context of five and delores

lemony snicket what is wrong with you. do me a favor and stop writing the most devastatingly beautiful love poems to ever exist on god’s green goddamn earth

[aseriesofunfortunatetexts]

incorrect ASOUE

[snckt]

In many ways, the lives of the Baudelaire orphans that year is not unlike my own, now that I have concluded my investigation. Like Violet, like Klaus, and like Sunny, I visit certain graves, and often spend my mornings standing on a brae, staring out at the same sea. It is not the whole story, of course, but it is enough. Under the circumstances, it is the best for which you can hope.

it has been seventeen years since the conclusion of the baudelaire investigation. what an unfortunate anniversary ✨🍎 🐍

[vfdinthewild]

"But fortresses are also placed up high, with views for days and Napa Valley wine farms don't usually come with security patrols and electric fencing and five stories of underground bunker."

-from Afterland by Lauren Beukes, pg. 133

[evilmark999]

I love these four movies, as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence, and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong...

If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you know the feeling; otherwise, well, you cannot possibly understand...

Are you still reading this?

For those who don't know: I paraphrased these remarks from Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events...

You're welcome!

[archerygun]

Dr. Monty Montgomery from the Netflix tv show is straight up one of the best examples of Doomed By The Narrative I’ve ever seen and I need to ramble about it for a bit because therapy will not cover the emotional damage The Reptile Room: Part One did me as a child.

For one, this version of Monty is arguably the most competent even if he is still flawed. His biggest mistake comes from the misunderstanding about Count Olaf’s identity, and rather than that be a result of him not listening to the children, it seems to be more of a general misunderstanding? He knows ‘Stephano’ is bad news. The kids think he’s figured out who ‘Stephano’ is and has it under control. He hasn’t. Oh dear.

You’re told from the start that Monty is going to die. He’s screwed. So watching the episode, you begin to almost get the feeling that he knows that too. Like he knows he’s only got that episode’s runtime but maybe, just maybe, it will be enough.

He clings to life so furiously, the narrative has doomed him but he is kicking and fighting the whole way. He jumps out of the back of the van where he was supposed to die almost like he’s saying “I can do it. I won’t let you take me. I won’t die today. Just give me today, please.”

He jumped all the hurdles and then fell before the finish line. He pulled all the right strings, he outwitted the twins, he had the right people on his side.

He was almost perfect. And that ‘almost’ was what killed him.

It feels like he’s looking up at the writer and begging “Not tonight. Let me have tonight. I can do everything I need to do. Just give me tonight.”

Monty Montgomery is locked in a battle of wits not just with Olaf and his goons but with the story itself. His tenacity is what MAKES the tragedy, many good people die in this series but Monty Montgomery just HITS you. The optimistic lull ends with his death, so it has to be one of the most emotionally impactful. But GOD.

The almost time-loop vibes of Lemony Snicket mentioning how the Baudelaires replay that day again and again in their minds even in their later lives thinking about all the ways they could have saved him - and all the ways they couldn’t. Like it’s just a fact that in every timeline, Monty Montgomery dies that day. There was nothing he could do. And still he did everything.

The Reptile Room: Part One gives me too many feelings. I left the room five minutes from the end when my sister and cousin were rewatching it because his death just DOES that shit to you.

Thank you for your time I am in agony. Have a nice day.

[moldygreenblue]

(Lack of) Impulse Control

(Day five prompt for Woevember, created by @asouefanworkevent.)

(AO3 link is here.)

Klaus keeps quiet as he heads towards the in-bookstore café, bag in hand. While he was prone to do impulse purchases, most of the time they were limited to clothes shopping, having unexpectedly finding the perfect accessory for his usually plan outfits (mainly bowties; his fondness for them hasn’t waver over the years).

This impulse purchase though, was due to unexpectedly seeing proof of what Violet and Sunny told him weeks prior. Violet mentioned hearing the familiar name of–

SNICKET

–on her day to pick up Sunny and Beatrice from school. Sunny saw–

SNICKET

–on a list of potentially banned books at the school library. In both cases, the context of–

SNICKET

–relates to a book series. A book series that revolved around them, in the time period the three siblings agreed to be the most unfortunate phase of their lives. And it was damn fitting that the series itself was call ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ written by Lemony Snicket.

Lemony Snicket, the brother of Jacques and Kit Snicket. The man who Violet would have been name after had she been a boy. The man who was thought to be dead by Kit Snicket on her deathbed, and to the Baudelaires themselves for years since their return to the mainland.

Research told Klaus that the man had been mistaken for dead several times before—especially by The Daily Punctilio. Butthe last report of death didn’t come from that dreadful newspaper. It came from a different source, The Ace Times. However, The Ace Times mentioned how the official report couldn’t make it a proper identification; Snicket’s dental records for some unknown reason couldn’t be found for comparison. As such, there’s a fifty-fifty chance Mr. Snicket may have in fact, written the first book of the series inside Klaus’ bag: The Bad Beginning.

As Klaus approached the counter, he looked up at the menu hanging above the barista’s head. The barista gave him a nod, and spoke in a clear voice.

“Hello, sir. What can I get for you today?”

“May I get an ice coffee with whipped cream and caramel sauce, please?”

Considering his book purchase, Klaus plans to go all out with his drink today.

[ohmyeyesmyeyes]

IT'S NEVER OVER | s.crosby

Sidney Crosby and Nat Brooks loved each other once. They'd loved each other through the most crucial parts of adulthood: Sid becoming a hockey superstar and Nat leaving for college in New York.

And then it fell apart.

But perhaps the most painful part of it all was that they still understood each other. Years had passed, and with that came breakups, marriages, failed relationships, changed careers...they'd lived completely separate lives for fourteen years, strangers in every sense of the word. They were different people, but the very core of their soles were still tangled.

Sometimes you just needed a little bit of courage. And what did it matter if they'd lost each other during the race if they crossed the finish line hand in hand?

note: f!oc x sidney crosby; exes to lovers/second chance romance; single mum trope

sneak peek | prologue | pinterest board

chapters

prologue

if anyone asked sid, he wouldn't say that he liked pittsburgh more after meeting nat. no, that would be absurd.

chapter one - of all people

nat was about to repaint her house when she got the call from the school: evan had another scare. sid had been coaching a small group of kids from a local school when one of them was pulled out by the school nurse. the next time he'd see him, evan would be sitting on the reception desk with nat...the nat brooks, of all people.

chapter two - rex records

coming soon!

chapter three - girl talk

coming soon!

chater four - carnegie museum of natural history (i don't know what you like because you kept saying you weren't bothered)

coming soon!

chapter five - untitled

coming soon!

epigraph

" i will love you if i never see you again, and i will love you if i see you everyday

i will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close that we could slip the curved straw, and the long, slender spoon, between our lips and fingers respectively

i will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory. i will love you no matter where you go and who you see, i will love you if you don't marry me. i will love you if you marry someone else and i will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all, and i must say that on late, cold nights i prefer this scenario out of all the scenarios i have mentioned. that is how i will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way."

an excerpt from lemony snicket: the beatrice letters

<all photos taken from pinterest>

[pep-tides]

i finally got around to watching the TV adaptation of a series of unfortunate events, i'm like five episodes in and here are my thoughts so far:

good lord what a stacked cast. i didnt know all these famous people were in this

i desire montgomery montgomery carnally (may he rest in peace)

it's been many years since i read the books but as far as i remember? they fucking NAILED the spooky mysterious slightly-off vibe. i love it

the sets and costumes are great too

poe is so much more irritating in this aghhhh hes so stupid

the theme song is stuck in my head so bad

i can see this plot twist coming and it's still going to hurt me so bad i just know it

I CANT STOP HEARING KRONK WHEN SNICKET TALKS. THATS KRONK. HELP

[non-plutonian-druid]

[ID: a three color drawing (black, white, and teal) in the style of Seth’s illustrations from the Lemony Snicket series All The Wrong Questions. Five and Viktor (both about 13) are seated at the counter of a diner, talking. Luther (in his 20s), who is a patron seated next to them, looks concerned about what he is overhearing. Grace stands behind the counted holding a coffee pot and gazing into space. A missing poster for Ben is taped to the counter. In the mirror behind the counter, a reflection Diego and Patch (both 15) are visible in a booth. End ID]

i really should leave time between art posts for them to breathe and accumulate their fair share of notes, but also i need something to do while im waiting for my onions to caramelize.

In this installment: Five and Viktor meet over breakfast to discuss business, Luther is a Concerned Citizen, Diego and Patch also meet over breakfast to discuss business but in the background, and Grace is NOT a robot and this diner is NOT fully automated no sir. Also as usual Ben's face provides some ambiance, thank you Ben.

[jew-flexive]

“Why are you here?” He snaps, leaning heavily on his doorframe. There are a hundred answers to his question, each less admissible than the last.

Because Jacques told me it was necessary. Because someone told Jacques to tell me it was necessary. Because I’m the only person besides B who might turn you human. Because I’m the only person besides B who still thinks you’re human. Because you’re brilliant and mad and still so goddamn useful. Because tattoos stay permanent no matter how many fires you start. Because I think you start fires just because you know I’ll be the one to put them out. Because you’re laughably easy to lie to. Because I didn’t kill your father but I might as well have. Because you didn’t kill my brother but given half a chance you would have. Because you loved me for five years and still only hate me a little.

Because I want to be. God help me, I’m here because I want to be.

“We should talk,” is all she says, stepping past him through the door.

[It’s a year before the Baudelaire fire. Kit has always been a very useful volunteer.]

[overthestars-and-offtoneverland]

So something I just realized is that I think Lemony Snicket helped me unmask some of the abusive narcissists in my life.

One specifically.

And it appears to be on accident.

Let me explain.

There are so many times in my childhood where my mother would get so damn offended by my intelligence or "otherness" to her and a weird amount of these memories are ASOUE related.

In chronological order:

I referred to Sunny as an infant. Like they do in the books. My mother, ever thinking she knows everything and I must be wrong. was insistent Sunny had to be a toddler because of the way I described how intelligent she was. (It's fiction, but okay Becky). I explained, no, they describe her as an infant. She can't even walk or talk. Unfortunately, my mother took this as an instance of me questioning her authority and intelligence (as she often did when I corrected her on factual information) and insisted I had to be wrong (even though I was reading the damn books and she wasn't) and that "infant" always meant "newborn." No, Becky. It's a synonym for "baby." It was being used as a synonym for "baby." I and Daniel Handler were both using it as a synonym for "baby." In fact, in some terms in psychology, you're an infant until you're freaking five. Why is this something you want to fight with your 8-year-old about you freaking child?

Got offended that I was reading a book where all the adults were stupid. (I'm gonna let that one speak for itself)

She made me put wrong information on school work because she refused to even look at physical evidence she was wrong. What was she so adamant about? The bitch thought there was a "T" in the word "Orphan." You know, the word I had been seeing every couple of sentences for months at the point. I pointed out that I definitely spelled the word "Orphan" right (I was doing a book fair project on The Bad Beginning) and she was getting pissed I wouldn't change the spelling to "Orphant." Why did she think this? "It's Little Orphant Annie!" Newsflash, no it isn't! It's also "Orphan" there. I even showed her the book and typed it into a spellchecker to show her the "this is misspelled" line that came up underneath. SHE PHYSICALLY REFUSED TO LOOK! So yeah, I looked stupid and spelled a word wrong on my homework so my mother would quit having a tantrum.

Got it in her head that I wanted her and my father to die because I mentioned the description on Briny Beach did actually sound pleasant. (I was literally only saying that an overcast beach where there aren't a lot of people crowding around was nice. Made the mistake of admitting I got the description from ASOUE and she went off the fucking handle screaming about how I wished my parents were dead. I do now, Becky, but it has nothing to do with fictional orphans. In fact, I think the fictional orphans kept me sane.)

And here's the thing that solidified that my mother did not care about me. I got The Puzzling Puzzles. I was so excited to share it with my parents (because I didn't realize they were abusive yet and did that kid thing where I wanted my parents to love me and thought they did) and my mother straight up turned around and said "Nobody cares about that but you" because I was annoying her and my father.

And they wonder why I never shared anything I loved with them. Now, my father in an abusive pos too. If I had to actually call anyone my personal Count Olaf, it's him.

The difference is, I would rather be stuck in a room with Count Olaf than be anywhere in driving distance of my father. At least Count Olaf sort of has a motive for his cruelty. My father is just a monster.

But my mother, she's the one I realized first. And a weird amount of the inciting indicants were ASOUE related. (And it irritates the hell out of me that they tried to bond with me in my adulthood when the Netflix series came out because now they didn't have to pick up a book. 20 years too late. And my father laughed at Klaus getting smacked which was way too familiar for me...)

Sorry, Carmelita, but from experience you don't want to be raised by Olaf and Esme. It's not a pleasant experience.

[snckt]

why does grosgrain ribbon increments go from 1 yard to 50 yards ??? 🤨

[triflesandparsnips]

Good Omens Book Club

So I have, in other fandoms, talked about the importance of what an audience can actually see on the screen. Specifically: When a constrained format (like, say, between 45 to 56 minutes of a single visual/audio input) is telling a constrained story (like, say, something that must start, climax, and resolve within some kind of structure), it's useful for the audience to pay attention to what gets given the valuable real estate of camera/story time.

So when time is given and effort made to show the actual titles of actual books... well.

Figure 1. Local bookshelf weighted down by an over-abundance of literary allusions.

This is a screenshot from episode 3 of Good Omens's second season, as Jim is reshelving all the books in Aziraphale's book shop by the first letter of their first sentences. He's about to shelve Jane Austens's Pride and Prejudice ("It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.") and the red sideways book, that he is about to pick up, is Good Omens itself ("It was a nice day.").

But, unusually, we can see the title of almost every other book on the shelf. Several of them appeared in the advertising poster, too, as I outlined previously (if you click that link, be advised that I am very proud of several bits of that essay and also let's not talk about how my go-to for musical references is Middle English folk rather than, say, Buddy Holly). Anyway-- with this in mind, and the understanding that time, effort, and celluloid have been spent on getting this shot to the audience, it would behoove us, I think, to actually look at these books.

Figure 2. A pair of showrunners providing not-so-subtle ancillary notation suggesting the same thing, so really, this is a no-brainer in terms of meta fodder.

Okay, Trifles, so what about the book club

Technically, this isn't my idea. It's Neil's and Douglas's, so jot that down.

What I figure is, I can provide a list of the books shown, their first lines, and a VERY brief summary of each. Those are below. And as I rewatch the show, I may reblog this post with additions, but also...

I've read some of these, but not all of them, and not recently -- with at least one of them, though, I remember enough to know that the first line and summary do nothing to showcase the heartrending possibilities the book may be alluding to for the overall Good Omens narrative.

And further-- as I collected these summaries and first lines, I started noticing some compelling commonalities. Which I, for one, would like to confirm and dig into more deeply.

So while I'm going to start reading these, it might be a Nice Idea for other folks to do so as well. The more write-ups we can get, the greater the concordance of Interesting Insights might be available. (And if you tag me in your write up, or otherwise draw my attention, I will gladly link your essay up here for the edification of others omfg.)

ANYWAY

The "Jim Shelving" Book List

From right to left (which feels odd, but it's the actual alphabetical-by-letter arrangement), and summaries from various internet sources:

Herzog, by Saul Bellows

"If I am out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog."

"Herzog is a 1964 novel by Saul Bellow, composed in part of letters from the protagonist [...] The novel follows five days in the life of Moses E. Herzog who, at the age of forty-seven, is having a midlife crisis following his second divorce."

A Series of Unfortunate Events, (series) by Lemony Snicket

"If you are interested in happy endings, you would be better off reading some other book."

The first book in the series, The Bad Beginning, "tells the story of three children, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, who become orphans following a fire and are sent to live with Count Olaf, who attempts to steal their inheritance."

The Catcher in the Rye, by J. D. Salinger

"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."

"The novel details two days in the life of 16-year-old Holden Caulfield after he has been expelled from prep school. [...] From what is implied to be a sanatorium, Holden, the narrator and protagonist, tells the story of his adventures before the previous Christmas."

The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald

"In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since."

"Set in the Jazz Age on Long Island, near New York City, the novel depicts first-person narrator Nick Carraway's interactions with mysterious millionaire Jay Gatsby and Gatsby's obsession to reunite with his former lover, Daisy Buchanan."

The Bible, (anthology) by God et al.

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth."

"25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'

26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'

27 And the Lord did not ask him again."

The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler

"It was about eleven o’clock in the morning, mid October, with the sun not shining and a look of hard wet rain in the clearness of the foothills."

"Private investigator Philip Marlowe is hired by wealthy General Sternwood to stop a blackmailer. Marlowe suspects that the old General is merely testing his caliber before trusting him with a bigger job, one involving Sternwood's two amoral daughters."

Nineteen Eighty-Four, by George Orwell

"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

"In George Orwell's iconic and prophetic masterpiece, 1984, a haunting vision of a dystopian future unfolds. Set in a world dominated by the all-seeing eye of Big Brother, the story follows Winston Smith, a lowly Party member whose very thoughts are scrutinized. As the Party manipulates history and suppresses truth, Winston's yearning for individuality and connection pushes him into a daring dance on the edge of rebellion."

[A title I cannot, unfortunately, read-- if anyone who HAPPENS to be familiar with the show and HAPPENS to perhaps also be on tumblr just HAPPENS to say what this book might be, that would be Very Much Appreciated]

"????"

[WOW I WISH I WAS A SUMMARY OH WELL]

Catch-22, by Joseph Heller

"It was love at first sight."

"Set in the closing months of World War II in an American bomber squadron off the coast of Italy, Catch-22 is the story of a bombardier named Yossarian who is frantic and furious because thousands of people he has never even met keep trying to kill him. Joseph Heller's bestselling novel is a hilarious and tragic satire on military madness, and the tale of one man's efforts to survive it."

Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel García Márquez

"It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love."

"The story, which treats the themes of love, aging, and death, takes place between the late 1870s and the early 1930s in a South American community troubled by wars and outbreaks of cholera. It is a tale of two lovers, artistic Florentino Ariza and wealthy Fermina Daza, who reunite after a lifetime apart."

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, by Mark Haddon

"It was seven minutes after midnight."

"The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time is a 2003 mystery novel by British writer Mark Haddon. [...] The novel is narrated in the first-person perspective by Christopher John Francis Boone, a 15-year-old boy who is described as "a mathematician with some behavioural difficulties" living in Swindon, Wiltshire. [...] Christopher sets out to solve the murder [of a neighbor's dog] in the style of his favourite (logical) detective, Sherlock Holmes."

The Crow Road, by Iain Banks

"It was the day my grandmother exploded."

A Scottish family drama about a perfect murder against the backdrop of the 1990s Gulf War. "This Bildungsroman is set in the fictional Argyll town of Gallanach, the real village of Lochgair, and in Glasgow, where the adult Prentice McHoan lives. Prentice's uncle Rory disappeared eight years previously while writing a book called The Crow Road. Prentice becomes obsessed with papers his uncle left behind and sets out to solve the mystery. Along the way he must cope with estrangement from his father, unrequited love, sibling rivalry, and failure at his studies."

No Woman No Cry: My Life with Bob Marley, by Rita Marley with Hettie James

"I was an ambitious girl child."

"Fans of reggae legend Bob Marley will welcome this no-nonsense biography from his wife, Rita, who was also his band member, business partner, musical collaborator and the only person to have witnessed firsthand his development from local Jamaican singer to international superstar."

I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith

"I write this sitting in the kitchen sink."

"I Capture the Castle tells the story of seventeen-year-old Cassandra and her family, who live in not-so-genteel poverty in a ramshackle old English castle. Here she strives, over six turbulent months, to hone her writing skills. She fills three notebooks with sharply funny yet poignant entries. Her journals candidly chronicle the great changes that take place within the castle's walls, and her own first descent into love."

...and because I happen to know and love this book, I'm aware of the devastating last lines...

"Only the margin left to write on now. I love you, I love you, I love you."

[fruggin-bitch]

NEW FICCC

i spent the last month working on this ASOUE fic!! its a reunion of the Baudelaire's and Quagmire's five years after the series ends and moments inbetween!

pls read and lmk if you like it!!