#since my dog has been sick and i worked little and in a state of great exhaustion the whole time i had forgotten to upload it to GitHub fo

[girl-debord]

River's 13 Punk & Metal Albums of 2024

13. Paprika - Let's Kill Punk

As one of the more conventional hardcore albums on this list, Paprika's debut LP stands out by doubling down on everything I love about the genre. The bass is rough, rough, rough, and the vocals sound like they were recorded in a storm drain, giving the album an almost-live quality. The only thing it loses points for is being so short, but even that's in the spirit of hardcore.

Favorite track: Greasy Pig Disease

12. drive your plow over the bones of the dead - tragedy as catharsis

I know, I know. Yes, Gen X followers, it's an emoviolence album. If the high-pitched vocals & aversion to capitalization don't scare you off, I think you'll enjoy how this sound is pushing the powerviolence formula forward. It is possible to be sad & kick ass at the same time.

Favorite track: arrangement

11. Traumatizer - Traumatizer

This is a 12-minute/7-song hardcore debut that won me over almost instantly. The vocals remind me a bit of early Nausea, and the bass-forward breakdowns are scratching that NJ hardcore itch that I've had since Sick Shit broke up.

Favorite track: Outnumbered

10. Paysage D'Hiver - Die Berge

Paysage D'Hiver embodies that horseshoe theory approach to atmospheric black metal--when you make something noisy & lo-fi enough, it starts to sound ambient. To put it a different way, this album has more in common with a lot of my favorite dungeon synth releases than most conventional metal. It uses repetition to its advantage & really gets that bleak, wintry vibe across. That being said, how often do I have nearly two hours to dedicate to a single album? Maybe a girl with a longer commute would rank this one a little higher.

Favorite track: Transzendenz II

9. Thou - Umbilical

It's been way too long since we had a proper Thou album. Needless to say, I was stoked about this one. Umbilical is overall less sludgy, often speeding things up for more hardcore- and grunge-adjacent tracks, but it keeps the vocal style and metal guitar sounds that Thou is so known for. It doesn't feel as thematic or directional as most of their earlier releases, but it gets at the stuff I like without being similar enough to feel stagnant.

Favorite track: I Feel Nothing When You Cry

8. Poison Ruïn - Confrere

Poison Ruïn left themselves big shoes to fill with last year's Härvest, but that's one of my favorite albums of all time, so I'm trying to cut them some slack. The new sound they bring with Confrere is a little less focused on stenchore-nostalgic riffs and has more in common with old-school hardcore. It works really well on a few notable songs--like the title track--but the rest of the album feels a bit like filler (even the dungeon synth parts, which are still pretty strong). I think there's just not enough going on on this album to turn a few great songs into a great album--but damn, those great songs really are great.

Favorite track: Execute

7. Bootlicker - 1000 Yd. Stare

I somehow missed this album when it came out in May, so when I finally listened to it a couple weeks ago, I had to totally rearrange this list to fit it in. It's worth it--Bootlicker brings an unlikely combination of clunky d-beat production & oi-tinged vocals that ended up sticking with me more than I expected it to. The band also seems to have hit its stride in using the military/military-fetish theming to maximum caustically-ironic effect.

Favorite track: Mercy Dog

6. S.H.I.T. - For A Better World

Some of the best drumming from this year in the vehicle of an extremely short lo-fi hardcore record. It feels like a Discharge demo tape performed with a sneer and stimulants. I only wish it was longer, even just that last track could keep going for 10 minutes & this might be my #1 pick.

Favorite track: Imminent Destruction

5. Lagrimas - A Life of Destruction

I've been keeping up with Lagrimas for a few years and I'm excited to say that their first LP cashes in--and improves--on everything I love about their recorded material up to this point. The grind drum licks, the lacrimose emo guitars, the post-rock song structures--it's all here & turned up to 11. The Habak features are great, but the band really stands on its own now. If I had to pick something to complain about, it would be the extended dialogue sampled in the middle of the album, but even that contributes to the overall tone. More than anything, I'm really excited to see people my age doing something new with the crust punk genre.

Favorite track: Cultural Destruction.

4. Trhä - ∫um'ad∂ejja cavvaj

Damián Ojeda's project Trhä had crossed my path before with albums that combined black metal & dungeon synth with a mix of softer electronic sounds and danceable drum machine tracks. This album, on the other hand, is much more traditional, but I find myself drawn to it because of that--it seems to descend into a primordial era of black metal where the realms of crust punk and death metal aren't so far away. Maybe that's only the hallucination of a poor traveller lost in the world of Trhä's atmospheric invention, missing her precious d-beats, but the madness this album has afflicted me with isn't going anywhere. The tremolo picking starts to sound like bowed strings & juggles minor and major keys under howling vocals. I'm totally entranced.

Favorite track: ah qältak da £ä Kado£ m £ä Nahatlav

3. POLLUTE. - Microplastics, Massive Profits

https://pollute.bandcamp.com/album/microplastics-massive-profits

POLLUTE's demo tape back in May had already put them on my list of acts to keep an eye on. This album is everything I had hoped to see from them, and so shortly after that first release too. In a genre as niche as d-beat punk, it's impressive to get so much variety on a single album--at only 20 minutes long, no less. "Castle Freaks" does something to the style I've never heard before, and I can't wait to hear more innovations like it--and that's not even the high point of the album for me. POLLUTE's got the right mix of cruster craziness & hardcore deliberateness, bringing very controlled breakdowns to their most off-the-walls tracks. It rules.

Favorite track: Cancer They Create

2. Lifeless Dark - Forces of Nature's Transformation

https://lifelessdark.bandcamp.com/album/forces-of-natures-transformation

The first time I heard this, I stood there with my mouth open through, like, the first three tracks. I just can't believe anyone is making music like this in 2024. Holy shit. The reverb-y vocals, the Bolt-Thrower-esque riffage, it's all perfect. Lifeless Dark doesn't just worship the stenchcore gods, they understand them.

Favorite track: Feeding the Light

1. Kriegshög - Love & Revenge

https://lavidaesunmus.bandcamp.com/album/love-revenge

There's nothing like a band you've never been super attached to releasing a completely flawless album. From the first note I just couldn't believe what I was hearing--it's an incredible balance of being legible and--dare I say it--catchy while being totally uncompromising on the drive of d-beat hardcore. The vocals are shouted with just a hint of a shriek that gives the lyrics an urgency unhindered by language barriers. The guitars are fuzzy and distorted but kept under tight control, passing melodies back & forth and dropping out to let the drums shine at key junctures. It's beautiful. It's Motörhead a few decades after being abducted into a post-apocalyptic alternate universe when the bloodlust has really started to sink in. I hold Kriegshög fully responsible for making me start working on a new spiky leather jacket & knocking over college kids in the train station, plus any other acts of depravity from this year not fit to print. This album has become my mantra, my pulse, my anthem.

Favorite track: Grey Agony

[coffeeworldsasaki]

Well I wanted to take a break on bg3 until they got a patch out to be a bit safer but I had a fucking nightmare day so fuck it, hopefully nothing will break but I'm going to play because I need to relax

[londonfog-chan]

Emperor Caracalla x Reader: Asklēpiós

A/N: I promised one day I would write for my precious little lad. Now that day has come.

Also, if you’re not nearsighted and legally blind without glasses like me, you are now. Congrats.

Warnings: mentions of abuse and neglect, prostitution, STD/STI mention, Female Reader

Credits: dividers by @strangergraphics

“Come now, Agapi, won’t you be agreeable?”

Caracalla’s lips pressed tightly together into a thin line. Head turned to the side in defiance.

Slender fingers tapped against his pock-marked cheek— a gentle coax to open that pretty mouth of his. But as usual, he scrunched his aquiline nose and shook his head in vehement protest. Night time was a gamble with Caracalla. One never knew what version of him they would get. Would you have the monster with enough physical strength to turn over a lectus with someone laying upon it? Or would you have the sniveling, crying angel, who buried his face in your breast and begged for affection.

“You promised, Agapi.” you said, running a finger along the length of his nose bridge, “You said you would take your chinaroot for me.”

“The horse piss herb?!” He whined, swatting your hand away, “I don’t want it!”

“You did promise me you would take it as I asked.” You said, using your calloused fingers to brush his strawberry blonde bangs from his forehead, “Or did you lie to me, Agapi? Me, of all people.”

Pink lips pouted in quiet contemplation. You could see the conflict in his slate blue eyes. Below the surface of his pink cheeked charm, a feverish, maddened mind was working to determine whether or not to deny, lash out, or seek forgiveness. Treading carefully when it came to your emotions, you knew he was warring with his own impulse.

Since his affliction, the other concubines of the realm refused to lie with Imperator Geta’s brother or even go near him at all. Not since they had given you to him had anyone bothered of late to reciprocate his touch. The isolation was fraying his nerves. He became moody, volatile. Constantly lashing out when he called out for pleasure, and only got you instead.

“I want pleasure! Not this piglet!” Caracalla screamed that first night.

You were frozen under Geta’s clutching of your shoulders, and gasped softly as you were pushed forward into Caracalla’s furry chest.

“You’d infect our courtesans with your disease, take what I give you and be grateful for that at all!” Geta had growled back, a cupful of wine to the face enough to silence his brother as the both of you were drenched in sanguine liquid.

You were not stupid enough to question your place. They gave you to Caracalla as a joke. Lesser goods for the lesser brother. You were not comely and lithe like the others. Admittedly you were rather plain, a Hellene from Chora who had been treating the infected in the concubine’s quarters. More of a servant’s apprentice than a vessel for the imperator’s bastards, and for a time you preferred things as they were. Treating the sick. Nursing them to health. It was a peaceful existence.

Not even the praetorian guard dogs wanted to touch you. Another aspect of the general disinterest was the semi state of blindness you lived in. It got steadily worse from childhood until now, when you could not perceive eight paces before you, without the world dissolving into an unfocused blur. Everyone either pitied or despised you, believing that your affliction was something to be controlled. You made your peace with it a long time ago, just as you made your peace with being Caracalla’s pleasure dregs.

“… As you wish, give me your piss herb.” He finally acquiesced, lower lip stuck out in a pout.

“Thank you, Agapi.”

But unlike the others who fled from his touch, you were gentle with Caracalla, and you would continue to be. The coldness of his stormy blue eyes softened and became ensconced by pupils dilated in affection, his cheeks a blushing rose pink as you held out a bronze cup steeped with the juices of a dried rhizome.

Even in his feverish state, he could tell the difference in care. You treated him with tenderness. Not like he was an invalid, but more with affection and respect as a spouse would for an ailing husband. You kept his cubiculum tidy. Carefully selected his ensembles of jewelry and silks for the servants to dress him. Every other day you bathed him in milk, scouring his body with a pumice and then moisturizing him with beeswax and oils. Dressed his wounds and perfumed him with patchouli, even going as far as to perfume his breath by having him chew clove and mint on occasion.

Subconsciously, the co-imperator picked up on your kindness. Instead of raining blows on your head with freakish strength, the man would reach out and cling to your stola. Speaking tender words of affection, and seeking at some points to make you pleased with him.

“You’re a wicked harpy.” He huffed, his soft hands over yours on the bronze cup.

“I know.” you murmured, gently coaxing the lukewarm liquid between his lips, “But I am a harpy that plucks at the mites between her nestling’s feathers, seeking to soothe his itch. Now drink.”

The chinaroot did not go down smooth, it never did. Caracalla gurgled and gagged the liquid and rhizome all the way down his gullet, slender hands wrapping around a pale throat as he chewed and choked. It was painful watching him try to swallow, but he had to. Without the chinaroot, the regression would have only gotten worse, and he would have succumbed to the infection from his chancres.

“It’s like gargling a goat’s testes!” He whined as he pulled away.

“You gargle them well, Agapi.”

Caracalla coughed, throat puffing out in a gag as you wiped his chin with a clean scrap of linen.

“It’s awful! It doesn’t work!” He croaked.

“Have you been hurting or noticing new sores?” You asked.

There was a penetrating silence. So still was the air around the room, you could hear the flame licking against the wick in the oil lamps, as well as the fire crackling in the imperial hearth. While allowing Caracalla to answer, you stood from the bed, shuffling to the diminutive night table– equipped with a brass bowl of hot water that now cooled– to take a brief moment to scour your hands with hot water, natron, and vinegar.

You knew the answer, even within his silence, your beloved was as transparent as blown glass.

“No…” Caracalla admitted ruefully, “But that doesn’t change things. I don’t want it anymore! You said it is medicinal, but it tastes of utter shite and I hate it! I hate you!”

“I love you, Agapi.”

Your voice was so low it was almost a whisper. A breathy squeak that made him stop his fuss, and lean in. The stormy gray of his feverish eyes focused entirely on your form as you wiped your clean hands on a spare piece of dry linen.

“You… you love me…?” Caracalla whispered.

“Yes.” You replied earnestly, “I do. That is why I treat you.”

The sick man leaned back into his pillow, rolling onto the side. Curling up like a pill bug at the slightest hint of a threat, he lay there contemplating your words in the finery of his linens and wool blanket. Crawling on all fours back to the imperial bed, you followed him to lay down. Draping over his hunched back like a rucksack, you lay your head beside his, fingers stroking the cold skin of his shoulder and leaving goose pimples in the wake of your touch.

“No one has ever loved me before…” he mumbled into his pillow.

“I know, Agapi.” You murmured, nuzzling his hair and inhaling the sour scent of vinegar, “And that is very sad. Everyone is deserving of love, my darling, even you.”

His trembling hands pulled your arms around his chest. He held your hands in front of him, whole body shaking.

“Everyone is repulsed by me. They avoid me, they won’t touch me. My own brother pushes me away. But not you… why?”

“You’re just ill, Agapi.” You replied softly, “The rash, the chancre sores… It’s just an illness, like any other. Would you push me away if I told you I had a chill?”

“No.”

Caracalla rolled onto his side. Blue eyes boring into yours as he cupped your cheek tenderly. He pressed his forehead to yours, the two of you inhaling in unison, as if absorbing the essence, the life breath, and sharing in it.

“No… I would never push you away… I would make you rest in my bed, and lay your weary head upon my goose down cushion. I would feed you the piss herb, and tell you stories to make you feel better whilst you choked down the bitter broth.”

You smiled at the innocent sentiment, enjoying the softness of his hot lips as they brushed against yours.

“Just as I did with you when Geta first bade me care for you.” You said, “Remember, Agapi?”

“I remember.”

To placate his brother’s demands for sex even in his feverish state, Geta summoned his manservants to rouse you from your bed at all hours of the night to give yourself to the youngest of the co-emperors. You knew even then he was dreadfully ill, and despite your pity you did not want to get infected yourself. While they dressed you in a shrunken gossamer stola woven so fine the dark of your nipples could be seen, you steeled your heart and prepared for a battle with your leather pouch of herbs.

Geta threw you at his unkempt brother, delirious with fever. Instead of fighting him, you talked softly to him. Coaxed him into letting you care for him by washing his weeping sores with vinegar, sprinkling natron to keep them clean, and ripping his bed linens into bandages to dress the open wounds. You even made a brew of the dried chinaroot rhizome, and after holding his mouth closed and rewarding him with chewed sugarcane to cut the taste, the youngest co-emperor learned to expect the sweet after the bitter.

From then on, Caracalla was your creature. Wholly and entirely.

“You wanted to look after me, even though Geta made you wake from your sleep to pleasure me…” he said, his tone lucid.

“I did it because I love you.” You said softly, showering his bumpy cheeks with kisses, “And I know you love me too, even if you say you hate me.”

“I didn’t say it!” He whined.

His cry was so piteous, like a kitten, that it was easy to forgive the lapses in memory whenever it came to his more biting comments.

“I didn’t say I hate you… I would never…! I love you… I… I don’t know what I would do without you.” Caracalla choked, the warm of his tears staining your stola.

You understood this better than anyone else.

You knew he didn’t mean his vitriol.

“I know, darling…” you whispered, and you fully embraced him as he began to cry, “I know… You shall never have to worry… for I will never forsake you…”

It was one truth you knew you could say and mean, despite your talents as a concubine, a soothsayer… You might have been the only soothsayer in all of Rome who meant it when she said she cared for the youngest, forsaken co-emperor.

[tardisscans]

Hino Yusuke's Live (12/30/24)

I've been extremely sick so I haven't subbed anything, but I wanted to at least give a quick rundown of what Hino said in his last live!

Hino is really really excited for the Terebi-kun special.

The number of fans from China has increased a lot!

Initially there were more female fans but Hino thinks it's 50/50 now.

Hide arrives at 12:57 and Hino gets excited and asks if he's watching.

Hino starts rambling about how he feels lonely without Hide even though they've been together for a year.

He also states that he doesn't know how many days he won't be able to see him again after they finish Gavv, so the feeling is similar as to when he was with his idol group.

Both laughed at the "Sukipi Doshi" scene (すきぴ同志; translated by some as "lovebirds", "lovers" or "crush". I'll keep it as "sukipi" to simplify things lol)

Hino goes and describes the whole scene of Ep16 where Shouma and Hanto "sacrifice" for each other, but says he couldn't help himself and laughed when Shouma remembered Sachika's words about the "sukipi"s.

For Hanto, Shouma is really special, and for Hino, Hide is special too.

He talks about Hide having an unrequited love for Hino, and how clingy and embarrassing is lmao.

Hide actually comments a " ?? ".

"It's a bit troublesome to be so loved"

Hino says to not ask for spoilers, he's afraid of people getting angry at him lol.

Miyabecchi has been more cheerful lately!

He thought she was very serious and quiet at first but she's actually pretty lively! Hino also praises how talented she is and that she was chosen as Sachika for a reason :)

"Oi, Hide, don't just comment. Say something interesting."

Hino's favorite hero is Den-O and he watched every episode of it.

He also liked Kabuto and Kiva.

His parents told him he had the Den-O belt but he only remembers playing with Kuuga's belt lol.

19:03, Honoka (Shiita) seems to be watching the live too! :)

(Proceeds to complain about how hard is to make a live)

Hide asks if Hino has something he wanted to do before the end of the year but wasn't able to.

Hino says he wasn't able to go on a date with Hide.

He explains it's because they see each other all the time on set, but they go out to eat together, or go to each other house's too.

He kinda likes the idea to go travelling to different places for the FLT.

He also wants to get a driving license.

Hino likes the idea of picking someone up and having a "driving date" but I think people kept thinking he meant Hide?? (He was talking about him just seconds ago) so when he read "a date with your "sukipi doshi" he just talked about how much he wants one until he realized what the fans meant and said "Ah, sorry. Yes. It's Hide. My sukipi is Hide." lmao

"I swear it's not only a work relationship!" Hino keeps telling us how they are also good friends irl and outside of work.

He changes the subject and reveals Hide has him pinned to the top of Line, and how "weird" it is but also really cute.

In a more serious note, he finds Hide's pureness cute.

Comment: "What do you like about Hide?"

Hino: "He's like a dog. And his face."

He explains he replies really fast when he gets the notification, so he doesn't really have a need to pin anyone.

Comment: "Does Hino-kun have Hide pinned to the top too?"

Hino: "Hino-kun only has managers pinned!"

He does have a Gavv Staff group pinned though.

"Anyways, let's say Hide has an unrequited love."

(Unsure of what he means, but I think Hide comments that Hino actually does have him pinned to the top too???)

He also says that when he was in high school, he had a soccer event and went on a 2-3 day trip, and when he came back, his parents had already adopted a dog, so he had to get use to it lol.

Comment: "Hino-kun, are you a dog person or a cat person?"

He explains he was afraid of animals since little (to the point of moving sidewalks if someone was walking their dog), but after staying at a friend's house (who had cats) he became a cat person.

People asked him about meeting someone (Unsure of who they are- I'm really bad with names, sorry.) but Hino says they're really nice and friendly.

He changes to Hide again lol.

Hino mentions how he likes pickles but Hide doesn't eat them, so he always eats them for him.

At first he asked Hide to just give him what he didn't want, but nowadays Hide just finishes his bento and gives him the rest. (Because he's a child)

27:00, Ruito (Jeep) is here too!

"Ruito-kun is too cute!" - Hino.

He says Ruito is really cute while working (on stage) and he even thought he was a girl, but in private he's extremely funny, "He's just an ordinary boy".

Ruito is his favorite among the cast and says he has been seeing him lately (...Is that foreshadowing?...)

"I'll give you my pickles next time" - Ruito.

(Hino complains but accepts it anyways lol)

Gavv it's like an all-boy's school. (He feels sorry for Honoka and Miyabe)

He says he can't drink with Hide cause he's underage, but he can with Shoji and he's been hanging out with him lately and they went to karaoke! He address him between formal-casual, and even though he's a senpai and older, he feels like a friend instead of an older brother.

"Do you like Shoji-senpai?" (Laage9/Vram)

Hino says even though he joined midway, (he doesn't know if it's bcs he worked on toku before), Shoji blended perfectly fine.

Hino was determined to not go to his hometown for new year (I'm guessing to prepare for his role as Hanto.)

He says to look forward to who is he gonna spend his time with in New Year? And I think someone on the comments said it was Hide, but Hino says it's not, that it's okay for Hide to be separated from him in holiday season lol.

He then states that once in a while you just need to have some time to realize how important someone is to you, and to let Hide think about how having time with Hino is a precious thing.

"It's not Shoji either!"

Actually, back to the Hide, Hino hopes Hide can take him to Okinawa.

Hino talks about how he hated his own voice but that a producer told him he had a distinct sound and it was his strength.

Please do not treat him as a Hide's middleman!

He explained that it's as if it were Valentine's Day and they called him to meet at some place and he arrives, sees them fidgeting with chocolates in their hands, and his heart starts racing, and then they just tell him "Can you please give these to Hide?"

He talked with Director Sugihara about wanting to change his name, but Sugihara was like "It's you life, do what you want." (lol), but after chatting a bit, he suggested to check out Takebe P's other works (Producer of Gavv).

He says he tried LupPat and Zero-One (But Takebe didn't work on them, so I'm not entirely sure why he mentioned them. Prolly bcs of Sugihara working on Zero-One or Komura...)

At the end, he just thanked the producer, director, Hide, toku fans, and children, and said how grateful he feels to work on such a popular work, and that he will work very hard!

He then clicks on something and keeps getting distracted with the filters for like 10 minutes lol.

[refigiowen]

Process of Ruin

Chapter 0.11 : Die Unvollendete

The harshest of winds blew into my face, as if it was telling me to give up. The darkest of nights was cast onto the city, obsoleted by the blinding neon billboards and city lights. Nothing in this godforsaken city was gonna stop me in my tracks. I ran and ran, dripping wet from the rain, carrying my son in my arms.

"Father... do you see it..?"

"S-See what, buddy?"

"That ghost right there..."

"Dear, that's just a billboard..! Stay with me, we are almost there!"

And so i told him to not waste more energy as i sped up even more. I ran through crowds after crowds, dodging people left and right. I was set on getting my son to the hospital. He had been sick ever since his first day and had to take all kinds of medicine to simply survive. But despite his frail body his mother and i loved him more than we could ever have loved ourselves. We lived in a shabby, run down apartment as most of our money went to our son's medicine. But despite all that, seeing his frail body and his pale face light up was enough to wash away any and all fears we had. Me and my wife worked at a small office that produced weapons, it didn't pay all that much but it was enough to sustain the three of us. I did not have a good life, no one in this city ever did, and this family of mine was the only thing that i had that was worth living for.

And so i ran. I ran like the world was about to end. And soon i stood before the black and green hospital, the letters that are now forever burned into my mind stood before me:

"Asiyah Association".

I ran inside the hospital, still carrying my son in my arms. I looked like a stray dog with no home, my suit drenched and covering the floor in water. I yelled, begging for someone to help my son. I looked at the woman behind the reception desk.

"P-Please! My son has been sick since birth, p-please help him, i beg you! His medication stopped working! He will die if not treated!" I said and was met with a half assed smile.

"Yes, of course. I will need to ask you to provide your ID to proceed."

I quickly rummaged through my pockets and gave her my ID.

"Mister Reed, Diveroli Workshop, correct?"

I nodded.

"Y-Yes, correct."

For a minute or so the woman began typing things into her computer, looking a little too relaxed given the situation.

"Excuse me, miss.. I don't want to come off as rude but my son is in danger so PLEASE, hurry up."

And no response. I was no stranger to the way these big corporations treat others, i worked for multiple of them myself, but to think that even when a child's life was on the line they would act like this. I was disgusted.

"Alright, Mister Reed" She began, "after thorough inspection of your public profile, i am afraid that i must tell you that we can not treat your son."

My heart shattered into a billion pieces.

"The...fuck..?"

"Considering the state of your son's body, the Asiyah Association has deemed it as not worthy to save your son's life. He may live but will never be able to work like others, as such he is of no use to anyone. The Association may be able to treat him if he was born in a wealthy family but given your background, Mister Reed, that is not possible. Should you have any more questions, i will be happy to answer them for you."

"Y-You can't be serious..He is a CHILD FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" I said as i took a step towards the counter.

"I am aware of that fact, sir. And i have told you everything you need to know. So please, leave at once." And before i could speak another word, i was escorted outside into the rain by the guards. I tried to get past them, to push them away. But it was as if i was fighting a brick wall.

I looked into my son's eyes and began to cry. I apologized for not being able to save him, for not being a more wealthy man. For simply being me. And before i could speak another word of sorrow, his hand reached for my cheek.

"Father... the ghost will take care of me. You and mother have done enough for me..."

And it was almost as if i could see the life leaving his eyes.

"N-No! Buddy, stay with me.. please, i-i will find somone who can help you PLEASE!"

I begged, to no avail. His hand fell down to onto his chest, his body went limp, his breathing stopped. My son had died in my arms, right before the corporation that promises to tend to the weak. The irony was so incredible that i could not help but laugh out loud.

I forgot how much time passed between when i resigned from my job and when my son had passed. So much happened in between that i forgot to count the days. I could not bear the guilt of telling my wife that our son had died in my arms, so i sent her a letter. She shortly hung herself afterwards. I was told to "keep my head up" by my coworkers. It was obvious that no one cared about me or who i was. No one except my only friend the Butterfly. She was a coworker and my only friend. She was there for me when i needed her most and she is the one who threw the idea of resigning and starting anew into the room.

I thought about her suggestion for a while and ultimately did resign. I was paid my final paycheck and said goodbye to the Diveroli Workshop and my past life.

Well, there was not much to say goodbye to. I promised to stay in contact with Butterfly and walked out the door.

The life in this city is bleak and monotonous beyond words. You are a gear in a system that deems you as worthless the moment your performance does not meet the insane standards of the giant corporations. You either die poor, as the next lunatic's meal, or slightly less poor and as a slave.

With my last bit of money i bought a single room apartment near the Outskirts from a small office called Sunny Day Real Estate and decided to move on from my previous life.

I often had nightmares of my past life, of the time i spent with my family, my wife and my son. As much as i tried to move on, all attempts were fruitless. And so i cried myself to sleep night and night again, my health decreasing and my body caving in under the stress. And one night it all became too much for me to handle. I felt the walls of my room coming closer, i had to go for a walk.

Going on a walk was a good idea, it gave me time to reflect on everything in a different environment. I looked around me, the city and it's people were as ugly as ever. Soon, i reached a crime scene. Briah Security forces had already arrived on the scene and had everything under control. A woman had stolen medicine from a Asiyah pharmacy for her husband who suffered from leukemia. She was shot dead while trying to escape by the pharmacist.

The woman was poor, the pharmacy owned by the Asiyah Association. The pharmacist was a free man and the Briah Security Forces took the woman's corpse with them. And it was at that moment that i understood it all. That this is all but a game we cannot win.

I continued my walk until i reached a bridge. I looked over the railing into the deep dark depths of this hell, and i could feel it's gaze on my body. I shuddered. I finally understood that i was not alone. That these corporations had spun a net that would ensure that any and all atrocities they commited could never come to stab them in the back. This world is infested with parasites that feast on the minds and bodies of the people until there is nothing left. Asiyah, Klepto, Briah, any and all corporations in this city are guilty of it. They took my son, my family, they took my happiness, and destroyed any and all things that could have been in another world.

"In another world..." I mumbled to myself.

I felt a sense of longing build up within me. A longing for a distant, far away world where my happiness was still with me. Where these parasites were nothing but monsters under a child's bed. Endless dreams and possibilities flooded my mind, so much that i began to scream. I could feel my NeuraNet-System overload and overheat, i begged for someone to help me.

And suddenly i found myself within the depths of my own soul. It was a dark, decrepit place of sorrow and loneliness. Yes, it was my soul. Before me was a door covered in thorns. From within the door spoke a voice that sounded like that of my son.

"You have suffered enough, far too much. They tried to trap you in their Net of falsehood and false promises. But you escaped, and for that you shall grant yourself the power to enact revenge on them. Grant yourself mercy, Gabriel. Forgive yourself and become the first to take his destiny into his own two hands. And soon, the city shall be set ablaze by a force only a king could control."

Almost like i was controlled by utter instinct i began to rip off the thorny vines on the door, soon all were ripped off. And i opened the door, a blinding light took me in as i felt my body disintegrate.

I know not what happened to me exactly. But i found myself in a body that i did not know previously. I was taller, i was stronger, and i felt more like myself than i ever did before. Upon my awakening i was given a greatsword. I had never wielded a weapon before, only built them, and yet i knew how to fight with it like it was given to me as a child. It was large, covered in thorny vines from hilt to about the middle of the blade. And in it's blade i could see thousands, millions of worlds. This power i was given was a tool, a weapon for me to use against those who took my happiness from me. I will enact my revenge, build a new world and burn down every corporation in this city, have them all be consumed by my rage.

Shortly after i had begun my crusade, i was given the name "Erlkönig" by the Graycloak Office and classified as a threat to the population. Every major corporation in Eden then began to invest more into their security out of sheer fear.

But their hands will tremble, their skin shall become pale in the presence of a king.

[nnnyxie]

Izu hc’s but it’s insecure!izu and reader comforting him- I just need to know about his sad days and what he needs us to do for him because I’ll so anything to get that smile back on his face<3 God I love Izu sm I could cry

SOBS!!! my heart!!!!

first of all. he’s so ‘i bet on losing dogs’ by mitski core. that song is just so him because i said so!!

our lovely boy has always worn a brave face. only ever being truly vulnerable with his mom, all might, and yourself.

he’s truly strong in many senses— physical, emotional, and mental. but sometimes, he just can’t do it. sometimes he doesn’t feel strong enough to hold himself up high yk?

and that’s okay!! because he doesn’t need to constantly overwork his emotions just so his friends and others could be happy!! he needs a break too and you need him to understand!!!

it’s always heartbreaking to see him cry though— you’re an avid supporter of expressing your emotions in a healthy way!! but, he’s your izuku and you always want the best for him.

one day, he doesn’t show up to all might’s training lesson— that in itself is a worry. but, maybe he’s feeling sick? you know he gets sick easily— especially since he trains in the cold a lot and somehow still hasn’t built a sort of immunity against it.

though— even if he were to be sick, he’d still show up. so maybe it’s bad? and that worsens your worries. so, you drop your training with ochako and rushed to him.

you knock on his door, softly the first time. the second time, it’s a little louder than before. still no answer. the third time is loud enough to wake his classmates three doors down. still no answer.

you try his door knob— unlocked? that was unlike izuku. he was slightly paranoid (especially ever since the cheese incident). so you were quick to barge in, what if he had gotten hurt?

when you turned to see his bed— you saw him curled into a ball, holding one of your sweatshirts. he liked doing that so you felt a bit relieved.

“izuku?” you asked but, all you got in return was a sad whimper and a sniffle. you were quick to rush to his side.

“what’s going on?” you rubbed his back— he had been facing the wall. “i just—” he let out a sob.

oh. it was an episode.

“it’s alright, izu. you don’t need to tell me right now. just let it all out.” you moved yourself so that you could hold him from behind. his body shook— it was so heartbreaking to watch— and feel.

the two of you stayed like that for at least an hour— izuku sobbing with you rubbing his arm and kissing his shoulder in comfort.

“i don’t— i don’t feel like i belong in UA. even after all this time i still— i still feel so inferior to everyone. i feel so behind in everything.” he said, still hiccuping from his breakdown.

he was calmer now, thankfully. but, tears spilt now and then. “izu, you worked so hard to get here, you’re far beyond what everyone here has become. you worked for hours and months to eat a damn hair that could’ve easily torn your limbs off.” he laughed a bit at that.

“you built yourself from the ground up. you worked your ass off to get here. you’re so much stronger than anyone here. and i really mean it.” you kissed his shoulder again and pulled him closer.

“thank you,” he said in a raspy voice, he moved so that he could face you— still clutching your sweatshirt.

“you don’t need to thank me, izu. i’m stating what i believe, i’m stating the truth. you’re the strongest,” you smiled at him— and good lord he almost killed you when he smiled back.

SHAKING SOBBING CLAWING AT THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE!!!!

[tornprince]

Hey, so not to leap into your ask box as a total stranger, but you mentioned in the tags that you were willing to answer questions about phalloplasty. I’m still figuring out if I want it, and if it’s not an inconvenience, I’d like to hear about what it’s like, or any common misconceptions or things you’d be ok with sharing. You don’t have to answer it publicly if you don’t want to, or answer at all. No pressure!

Howdy, I’d be happy to! This turned out a lot longer than I thought it would so sorry for the little essay lol

Since there are a lot of little variations on phalloplasty both in the type you get and the “stages” I’ll explain that first.

I got RFF/forearm flap phalloplasty with urethral lengthening, clitoral burial and a full vaginectomy. My first surgery was a hysterectomy and partial vaginectomy, about 6 months after that I got the phallo itself, urethra lengthening and the rest of the vaginectomy, and then a couple weeks after that I got glansplasty. I’m scheduled to get the erectile and testicular implants later this month. All of this was covered by insurance.

I am overall extremely happy with my phallo, it’s really been everything I could have wanted. I’ll just give a kind of random run down of some things:

Healing: If you count the time for all of the above surgeries I took roughly 2 and a half months off work. 2 weeks for the hysto/vaginectomy, 6 weeks for the phallo and another 2 for the glansplasty. I’ll be taking a week off for the next one.

I spent 5 days in the hospital after the phallo, those were by far the roughest days. Like the first day after surgery the big thing they had me do was just sit up in bed, and even that made me feel very dizzy and sick.

By far the most painful parts of healing were the vaginectomy and the thigh graft. I had a catheter for 6 weeks which was a pain in the ass, and the forearm graft needs daily dressing changes for several weeks. Once you get past those first few days though, it’s kind of surprising how not terrible it is. I was walking my dog after like 3 weeks.

The part that has the highest complication rate is the urethral lengthening, I was told by my urologist that the percentage of urethral complications after surgery was somewhere between 60-70%, I was basically told to go into surgery kind of just expecting there would be some sort of urethral complication.

This did happen to me and I got a stricture (urethra healing tight enough you can’t pee through it) twice. The first time they fixed it while I was getting the glansplasty, the second time I had to go in for an extra minor surgery to fix it. Since then I have had no issues.

Here is what my urologist had to say about the urethral complications when I asked for details: in quite a few cases they just heal on their own with a little additional time using a catheter and they never need surgical intervention. He said if it ever became necessary, they could just “disconnect” the new urethra and have you go back to peeing the way you did before surgery.

He also stated that they had never had that happen and had always been able to get the new plumbing working, even if in some cases it took longer.

Sensation: I did not lose any clitoral sensation, it’s just buried in the base of the phallus so you have to kind of rub/squeeze harder to get there. I was able to orgasm as soon as I was cleared for sexual stimulation after surgery, which I believe was 2 months?

My surgeon said that although the degree of sexual sensation a person has after surgery can vary, they had never had anybody completely lose sensation or be unable to orgasm after surgery.

I won’t get too detailed on this public post but it has been less than a year since my phallo and I have enough sexual sensation on my penis to orgasm just from it being touched, the buried clitoris doesn’t have to be stimulated (though it does help!)

Visual: I don’t have too much to say here but I’ve often seen people say that phallo dicks “look weird” or whatever. Mine looks….like a normal penis. It has been seen by many people of all genders and sexualities and nobody has ever said anything was off about it.

Really there is enough natural variation in native penises that I don’t think you’d end up with anything that wouldn’t be possible on someone born with a penis.

Hope this was helpful! If you have follow up questions feel free to bug me

[guard-1225]

video journal log #184

[watch] ignore

Evbo takes a few steps back after starting the recording.

“Hey everyone, I know it’s been SUCH a long time since I’ve done a video journal update, I was sick and then a lottttt of other stuff happened so I have so much to catch you guys up on.” Evbo says to the camera, taking a moment before continuing. “I’m pretty sure some of you guys follow my boyfriends page hahah, yeah he mostly does this q&a type thing but he started doing videos too lately, but anyways, he’s been posting a lot of updates on what’s going on so if you do follow him you already know what’s up.”

“First of all I knowwww all of you guys must be soo worried about me and why I haven’t been doing journal logs, but don’t worry I’m fine now I just had a cold for a few days. We also went to Christmas dinner at Julie’s place with Raymond and the other diamond swords. Her place was pretty cool too but obviously not as cool as ours, I mean she doesn’t even live in a Pvp mansion.” Evbo chuckles and decides to sit up on the counter next to the pillar, preparing for a pretty long video journal session.

“It was really fun to hang out with the other diamond swords, it’s nice to have actual friends… at least I think they’re my friends—“ Evbo looks away for a moment to think about it, before snapping back to his camera personality. “Anyways! After that was Ray’s birthdayyyy…” He giggles to himself before even saying anything. “Yeah we had a LOT of funnnn hahaha… Read his blog if you want to know more about that.

“I also gave him some new shades for his birthday so he can have a different pair other than the one he spawned in with. I think he looks really cool in them, but honestly I think he looks good in everything, like he’s just really good looking in general I kinda wish it was hotter in here sk maybe he would take off— Hahaha what am I even saying anymore, sorry I got a little off track there.” He laughs to himself awkwardly, trying to hide the blush that crept up on his face while thinking about his boyfriend shirtless. Something resembling a chuckle can be heard from the background, where Raymond is sitting on one of the chairs at the window.

“Anyways the main thing I wanted to tell you about is actually so insane, you guys are not going to believe it… Raymond figured out a way to fix his shield, and it actually works like real durability! He managed to get it back up to full like it’s brand new again, and it only takes off one when I hit him! I think we could fix other weapons too, we haven’t had time to try yet but—

A sudden purple flash of lights can be seen from the left side of the screen where Raymond had been previously sitting on a chair. Evbo whips his head around and quickly jumps down from the counter to sprint over to his boyfriend. The purple particles all dissapear in a few seconds and Raymond is sitting on the chair just like before. He drops the phone from his hand and jumps up to run to the back of the room.

“WHAT THE FUCK.” Raymond can be heard even from how far away he is from the video journal machine. He runs back up to Evbo, who’s been standing in the middle of the room completely dumbfounded. “What do I do?!” Raymond pants frantically, shaken from whatever he just saw.

Evbo stares at him, then lets out a chuckle.

“You’re a dog.” He states, laughing more with confusion.

“Evbo this isn’t funny, what do I do?!” Raymond continues to pace around the room, and it’s clearly visible on the video now that he has a tail. Evbo goes to get his boyfriend’s phone from the ground to look at the message.

“Ray don’t panic, it says here this will only last for a day—“

“A DAY?! That’s so long!” Raymond cries out frustratedly. Evbo sighs and puts a hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

“It’ll be okay, you don’t have to go anywhere tomorrow, I can stay here with you too.” Evbo smiles at him genuinely, caressing his arm before suddenly looking down and letting out another chuckle.

“What—“ Raymond follows Evbo’s gaze down and notices his tail wagging side to side. “OH MY GOD, This is so humiliating!” He whines, covering his face with his hands.

“I think it’s cute…” Evbo tells him, but he still can’t hide his giggles while saying it.

“Oh fuck you— and stop the recording, oh my god!” Raymond says and scatters to hide from the camera, running to the back of the room to their bed and getting blocked from the video by the pillar. Evbo laughs as he walks up to the video journal machine.

“I’m sorry guys, I have to end this one unfinished too since I think we have a bigger issue right now. I swear I’ll do an actual update once I have the time. Byeeee!” He smiles into the camera before reaching for the button and stopping the recording.

[previous] next

[amisalami03]

cave mommy headcanons :D [this is my first time doing this help]

i'm gonna flip the script a little with this one, I think shes way more chill BUT will troll at any time >:)

she walked past pickle and sprayed him for no reason which resulted in a mini brawl , it was swiftly ended when cave shawty picks pickle up and suplexes him, so in celebration she beats her chest then goes to sleep in a nearby tree

she's definitely omnivorous in my book but she will eat meat and acts like a leopard by hiding her game in trees and pissing on those who walk to close to her territory this isn't a piss-kink thing I swear she's literally feral and piss is her prehistoric version of pocket sand

ironically enough though she and pickle are mated but he can not stand her ass sometimes, but she literally doesn't gaf and will lay on top of him (because she can.) and pickle does not seem to mind his woman using him as a mattress he will growl lowly but eventually puts himself to sleep since her warmth, scent and breathing patterns make it impossible to keep him awake lol (also its a sense of familiarity and comfort of her being the only thing he left of the past, so he willingly tolerates it)

because of her retsu's hair has been let down to its full glory and she even gave him a beautiful restyle :3 (lots of stick and shiny rock so cool |:) <- cave mommymoji) pickle didnt like it and wanted to fight retsu but a swift kick upside his head thwarted that act of petty conflict

she has no clue whats going on but is happy to see such small little guys doing complex things

she fucking LOVES pinwheels and windchimes hell yes little trinkets for her pretty please, even pickle is entertained when she shoves a pinwheel in his hair and shows him her stolen hardware store collection of chimes and shiny glass lawn ornaments used to water flowers -> |:) [her proud face]

she scratches her head like a dog and prefers to stay quadraped, which threw the boys off when she finally decided to stand on her two legs

katsumi told retsu he saw her walking on two legs before everyone else did and retsu called him a liar stating that she simply hadn't "evolved" to do that yet, as soon as he was done saying that she walked right passed them with various lawn ornaments in her arms, farted and continued walking without breaking a stride. retsu was stunned and katsumi just put his hand on his shoulder to console him.

I like to think she has a fighting style similar to dogwatch man from one punch man, which makes her a very hard opponent to defeat since her speed and agility far surpass her bipedal descendants

baki used her as a shield until she force-fed him a handful of grubs and ever since then shes been wondering where he's been |:( his ass ran away from her for about a week

she found him eventually and frantically fussed over him while holding him in a tight embrace, she thought she lost her baby again

Please keep her away from vending machines and claw games, to her they are like giant see through crustaceans she can crack open and benefit from, her and pickle will leave a wake of litter and shards of glass to get whats inside

Loves fountains, they are like vertical waterfalls to her and she’s mesmerized by how the magic water goes up 24/7

She draws cave paintings and is very proud of her work

Absolutely blown away by crayons, completely opened pandoras box for her wait until she learns about paint and markers

Keep scented/colorful soaps and chemicals away from her…she will try to drink them and get sick…no she probably wont die, but she will shit and vomit alot, pickle didnt wanna take the risk to drink fabuloso after that

She has an underbite snaggle tooth that sticks out

This is all I can come up with

This is all I can give you…for now

[canirove]

Broken Hearts Football Club | Chapter 9

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

"And that's how you come back from a suspension! Two goals and two assists for June Maxwell!" Andrew said.

"And look at that smile on her face! She has definitely missed it” Jacob added.

"That's the face of someone who loves football" Ben said, trying very hard not to smile. She was back. The June Maxwell they all enjoyed watching, was back. "Though they should give her the fifth goal and make it a hat-trick."

"It was an own goal, Chilly."

"I know, but…"

"I barely recognise you, Chilwell. You are saying nice things about Maxwell. Again!" Andrew laughed. "Anything you would like to share with us?"

"It's just that after seeing what happened in her last game, I realized we should spread more positivity instead of negativity. I still think she is overrated and has a lot of work to do to be as good as you all say she is…"

"That's more you" Jacob chuckled.

"But there has been so much hate everywhere and especially online, that I felt I was adding fuel to the fire and that wasn't sitting well with me. Football players have to deal with a lot of pressure already, and sometimes we forget that they are human beings with real feelings just like anyone else."

"They all are, Chilly. They all are. Well said.”

"So yeah… I may start to go a bit softer on her. But just a teeny-tiny bit" he laughed. 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"That was the last interview, June. You can go shower."

"Thank you" she smiled, starting to walk towards the changing room.

"Maxwell! Wait!"

"Chilwell?" she said, turning aroud. "What are you doing down here?"

"I wanted to speak with you."

"Again?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Yes, again. I wanted to congratulate you for today's game, you played really well."

"April's Fools was last week, Chilwell."

"I'm not joking, June. I'm being honest."

"Sure" she chuckled.

"I am. I even got you something."

"Something like what? A present?"

"Kind of."

"Oh my God, another Kinder egg?" she laughed. "Is this your new way of bullying me? Giving me treats to make me feel as if I was a dog? Wait, is this your revenge because I called you dog?"

"It's just a nice gesture, June."

"You and being nice with me don't go together."

"They may start to" he shrugged. "Are you taking it or not?"

"Is it poisoned?"

"June…" Ben said, rolling his eyes.

"Ok, ok… I'm taking it. Thank you."

"You're welcome" he smiled. 

"Wait, no. I know what your new plan is. You want to send my fitness to hell by feeding me chocolate."

"Dear God, Maxwell" he sighed.

"I was just teasing you, Chilwell" she laughed. "Thank you. For this and for what you said on tv. Someone from the team told me."

"You're welcome. And I meant it. I'm not going to stop stating my facts…" he smirked. "But I won't be as mean or ruthless. I promise."

"Ok, good. I... I should probably go shower, I don't want to get cold and risk getting sick now that I'm back."

"You also happen to stink."

"What?"

"Just stating a fact" Ben shrugged, trying very hard to hide a smile.

"You… whatever. See you around, Chilwell. And thank you for the present."

"You're welcome, Maxwell. Again. See you around."

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"What is that?"

"Uh?"

"That toy" Lauren said, pointing at the little lion June was playing with.

"Oh, it's from a Kinder egg."

"You have Kinder eggs? Where? I want one!"

"I don't have any. Someone gave me this one."

"Someone? Who?"

"A fan. They wanted to cheer me up."

"Well, they've been very successful at it, because you haven't stopped smiling since we got into the bus."

"What?" June chuckled.

"You've been smiling like an idiot."

"Yeah, sure."

"You have. Was he cute?" Lauren asked.

"Who?"

"The fan who gave you the Kinder egg. Because you have the smile of someone who is thinking about her crush" she smirked.

"It was a kid, Lauren" June said, feeling her cheeks get warm.

"Did the kid come with a dad? Brother? Uncle?"

"It was just a kid, ok?"

"Ok, ok. No need to get mad. But I thought we were friends."

"And we are."

"Friends tell each other when they fancy someone."

"I don't fancy anyone" June chuckled.

"You… ok, fine" Lauren sighed. "You don't fancy anyone."

"I don't."

"And I said ok. Will you wake me up when we are getting close home? I want to take a nap."

"I will, don't worry."

"Thank you. Night night, June."

"Night night, Lauren" she smiled. 

"Friends tell each other when they fancy someone."

"I don't fancy anyone."

Because she didn't fancy anyone, did she? And especially not Ben Chilwell. 

Yes, him showing up today and giving her the chocolate egg had made her feel all fuzzy inside. It had been a very cute gesture, but it was just because it brought really good memories from her childhood, of her dad always buying her one after her Sunday games.

And the other day when he had told her that he cared about her, her heart had skipped a beat, yes. But just because it had caught her by surprise.

Though while she had been suspended and bored as hell, she had kept thinking about Ben telling her he would never date her, his words coming back and making her feel… weird. Kind of disappointed.

And then, of course, was the fact that her mind would randomly go back to their make out session on New Year's. To when she had kissed him. Twice. Thoroughly enjoying it. 

And then…

"Fuck."

"What?" Lauren asked, already half asleep while her head rested on June's shoulder.

"Nothing, nothing. Go back to sleep."

But it was definitely something, because June had just realized that she did fancy someone. She fancied Ben freaking Chilwell.

[look-at-the-soul]

A new kind of love 🐾

Tommy Shelby x Reader one shot

🐾 I wrote this story as part of my 900 followers celebration 🥰 as you know by now, one of my dogs (and light of my life) got sick with pancreatitis back in December and my baby girl was hospitalized at the vets clinic for two nights, she had never been sick before and it felt horrible to not have her home, she’s doing so much better now, taking her meds so well and back to her usual self 💞 around those days I reached 900 followers which is crazy so I thought that making a celebration involving pups would be a good idea, and so far, I’m quite happy with the response! Thank you all for keeping her (us) in your thoughts!

Warnings: none just this got a bit longer than I expected 🐶👑

“Charlie?” You looked at him through the rear view mirror, he was so serious, so unlike the chatty little boy he usually was.

He flicked his green eyes at you, uninterested.

“Do you want to get something to eat? I could stop on the way back home for a hamburger or”

But he really wasn’t in the mood. “No, I like what Frances cooks.”

“Do you want to tell me how did school go?”

“Fine.”

Turning off the music from the car, you tried to find a way to get more information from Tommy’s son.

“Do you need to buy anything for your homework?”

“Nope.”

He was harder than his father, at least with Tommy you could bat your lashes, or make him talk during sex, but the same technique couldn’t be used with Charlie.

“How about you invite Daniel on Saturday, we can go to the country house and ride the horses?” You proposed.

But Charlie’s face showed you sadness instead of the excited reaction you were hoping for.

“Daniel is not my friend anymore.” Charlie stated looking down.

His tone worried you. Passing your arm to the seats behind, you offered your hand to him. Charlie doubted at first, but his little hand reached yours.

You cared about him deeply, after losing his mother and the long hours his father worked, you couldn’t help but get attached to him, he was a great child and it was a natural thing to love him.

“How about we go for a walk?” You proposed pulling over in an empty parking spot, changing your original plans to go back home. There was a small stream close, a spot you found by chance in one of your daily runs.

Charlie sighed, nevertheless he walked by your side in silence.

“I come here every time I need to clear my head, people don’t seem to stop by very often.” You pointed out gently after a few moments.

Leaning on the small bridge, you thought it had been a while since you visited this place.

“Don’t tell your Dad I do this or he will send one of his bodyguards with me.” You joked earning a surprised look from Charlie.

“My Dad doesn’t know about this place?”

“Nope, he’s too loud for this peace.” You winked. “Should we keep this as a secret for us?”

Charlie nodded throwing a rock to the water.

“Daniel told me his Dad got a girlfriend after his parents divorced and she’s mean to him and threatened to send him to school overseas.” Charlie confessed after sitting on the edge of the bridge next to you.

His confession took you by surprise, why was his serious attitude related?

“Y/N… would you send me overseas? If I piss you off?” You saw him rubbing his leg, the wind moving his blonde hair.

Suddenly it clicked in your mind.

Tommy and you got married a few months ago after dating for two years, Charlie had the time of his life at the wedding, since the beginning he was the most adorable bonus child you could ask for, he stole your heart from the very first time Tommy cooked for you in his country house and Charlie was so excited to show you the reading room his father made for him.

Touching his shoulders gently, you moved him to face you.

“Charlie has your Dad ever raised a hand on you?” You saw him shaking his head. “Has he ever lose his temper with you?” Again, the same answer. “He shouts at other people, yes, but he has never put a hand on you… just like him, I could never do anything to hurt you, because I love you.” It broke your heart to see the tears accumulating in his beautiful eyes. Gently you wiped them away from his cheeks. “I would never send you somewhere else. I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Bringing him close to your chest, you rocked his body from side to side.

“I want you to always trust me okay? And I need you to understand that I would never do anything to get in the middle between you and your Dad.”

“Daniel told me you would be just like his step mum and he laughed when I told him you were the coolest.”

“Daniel is fighting his own battle, and unfortunately we hurt people in the process, but you don’t have to worry abou-”

Your words were interrupted by something moving behind Charlie.

“What’s that?” He asked turning around to see better.

A little creature appeared sniffing around.

“It’s a doggie!” He shouted and tried to get close to the animal, but you pulled him apart.

He was small, but he could be dangerous or hurt Charlie.

Taking off your sweater, you wrapped it around the muddy pet, feeling it shake and wriggle under your arms.

“Where did it come from?” Charlie asked walking next to you, trying to keep up on your way back to your vehicle.

“I don’t know, looks like this little friend got lost.”

“Can we keep him?”

Reaching your car, you took one of the boxes you bought to use as storage for the Christmas decorations you just took down.

“Charlie, the owners will probably want their pet back, first we’re stopping at the vet.”

Taking the dog to the vet, they informed you it was a female Yorkshire Terrier, little over a year old probably and seemed to be in a good condition. But as you tried to look for a number you realized there was no necklace.

“What if they never look for her, Y/N?” Charlie asked looking over at the dog resting in the box curled on your sweater. You left your number at the vet’s clinic in case someone asked for a lost dog.

Stopping the car in front of the house you were more worried about Tommy’s reaction.

“We’ve to keep trying buddy.”

“But Y/N, we rescued her.” Charlie pouted again.

“I know sweetheart, first we need to give her a bath, so go to the kitchen and bring me a bowl, I’ll meet you in your room.”

“Mrs. Shelby would you like me t-” but the maid stopped mid sentence when she looked at something moving in your arms. “Prepare you something to eat?”

“Just a sandwich Frances, please.” As she kept her eyes locked in your arms, you explained. “Let me handle Mr. Shelby, you didn’t see anything.”

But your answer and wink worried her even more.

“I’m afraid of his reaction.” Frances stated.

“Relax Frances, is only a tiny pup, Tommy has worse problems than this.” You tried to hide your nerves. “He won’t even notice.”

But he did notice when you rushed out of your bedroom with the front of your blouse wet holding the hairdryer in your hands.

And now he was pacing from one side to another as you and Charlie were seating at the last step of the stairs. While he scolded you both.

“What was I supposed to do? Leave the poor dog there? Or at the vet?”

The dog sneezed, probably from the bath, but as you and Charlie told her Bless you, Tommy rolled his eyes.

Tommy looked down at you, hands on his hips, his cigarette hanging from his lips.

He knew that look in your eyes so well for your own good. It wasn’t only that his son wanted to keep the dog, you wanted as well.

���How many times do I have to tell you we can’t keep the dog?”

The small Yorkie yawned as Charlie tried to cover her ears.

“But Dad is small, she will be good.”

But Tommy was already shaking his head.

“We have to find a way to give it back to the owners.” Tommy stated as if he was planning his next move in a business.

“No! If they wanted her, they would’ve taken care of her.”

“Don’t raise your voice.” Tommy pointed his cigarette at his son. “We can’t -“

“You’re mean! You don’t want me to be happy!”

You were torn between comforting Charlie or calming Tommy as the kid went outside.

Sighting, you tried to reason with him.

“What damage could a small dog like that cause?” You touched his tie, deliberately playing with it. “I think it could benefit Charlie.”

“What if the owners want the dog back? Have you considered that Y/N?” He asked walking inside his office. You following his steps.

That seemed to take you by surprise, Charlie had been very adamant of the fact that the fluffy dog found you both.

“Unfortunately for the owner, there’s no phone and name…” You knew you had to choose your battles carefully, but you also knew you were on Charlie’s side in this one. “We can’t give it back without it.”

“We’re so busy all the time,” he tried to make you see his point, “dogs need time, patience, effort… who’s going to clean up the mess? And don’t think of Frances, she’s already busy.”

“I can help.”

“Food, daily walks, vet check ups, we can hardly keep up with everything we do, Y/N.” Groaning, he leaned back on his chair. “I’ve a zoom meeting with a vendor in China.”

Truth is his meeting got delayed, but Charlie’s words were on repeat inside of his head.

He didn’t want his son to look at him as a monster who didn’t care.

But having a dog wasn’t part of his plans either.

Pouring himself a drink, Tommy looked at the window, to the front garden. He could’ve gotten the penthouse, but you chose this one because you fell in love with the view to the fountain and garden.

Outside you joined Charlie and the dog as you allowed the small black creature to sniff on every flower. After a couple of seconds, Tommy saw his son posing with the dog in his arms, smiling for your phone camera as you clicked several times, trying to get the dog’s attention.

“Y/N, do you like dogs?”

“I do Charlie.” You answered while petting the adorable yorkie’s head, it had little parts of golden hair. “They’re one of the purest creatures out there. They give back all the love they get.”

“Why don’t you ask Dad to keep her?” Charlie asked as the dog licked the back of your hand, showing gratitude for the head scratches.

“Because your Dad doesn’t like dogs.”

“But he likes horses!” He folded his arms against his chest.

Motioning the boy to follow you back inside after spending the afternoon out, you told him; “Charlie is not nice what you said to your Dad, he wants you to be happy. You’ll need to apologize to him.”

“But is only a little dog.”

“Is not a toy, they’re a huge responsibility.” Running a hand gently over his head, you tried to ease the tension. “Maybe we can ask your Dad for a couple of days, while we find her family or someone who wants to adopt her. You can enjoy her as much as you want in the meantime.”

Charlie wasn’t convinced, but reluctantly he agreed. Over dinner, he kept asking endless questions about the dog, who wanted a bite of your food. And after helping him to pick up his things, you took the pup with you to the living room, in front of the fire, so Charlie could go to sleep. Tommy was still working locked in his office.

“Where did you come from ey?” You asked the cute pup, enjoying the soft hair against your palm. Using the brush you bought for her at the clinic, you brushed her hair, she seemed to enjoy the pampering session a lot, because once you stopped, she looked at you with pleading eyes and with her cold nose, tried to make your hand touch her again. “You’re so cute you know?”

It had been a long day, so you went to your room to change your clothes for something comfortable to sleep, taking your time to remove your make up as well, but as you went back, the little yorkie wasn’t sitting on the couch as you left her, no, she was curled in a ball next to Charlie, who brought his sleeping bag to the living room and the pair were sleeping together.

How could a small fluffy thing like that steal your heart in a blink?

It was a beautiful scene that melted your heart.

Tiptoeing into Tommy’s office, you pulled him by the hand without telling him anything.

“I didn’t have the heart to wake him up.” You turned then, to kiss Tommy on the cheek and left him to fight alone his own battle.

Several minutes passed by as Tommy stared at Charlie sleeping peacefully next to the dog, he couldn’t wake him up either. So instead, he took off his coat and placed it over the sleeping bag.

One brown eye spying on him, checking his every move, once she decided Tommy wouldn’t hurt them, she turned her back at him and with a loud sight, she got comfortable again against Charlie.

****

Saturday was the same, Charlie asking his father to let him keep the dog, Tommy ordering to let the dog locked in a room since he didn’t want any accidents on the carpets, if something was going to smell bad, it would be Charlie’s room.

The apartment was one more time, a battlefield. He got even more mad at you when he saw the dog wearing one of his socks as sweater, you took one with the pair missing and using some scissors, you opened three holes for the front paws and head, for the size it fitted her perfectly, but Tommy thought differently.

You though he was acting a little bit irrational and exaggerated, but by now, you knew him better than that, so you really tried to keep things as smooth as possible.

The following morning, Tommy woke up to an empty bed. It was something unusual that you were up before him, specially on a Sunday, but either way, he got ready but just as he was stepping out of your bedroom, he heard your voice.

“Look, we should be grateful that it will be us taking care of her at least for these days.”

Without making a noise, Tommy got closer to listen the conversation, staying outside of his son’s room.

“I just don’t understand, if she’s a good pet and alone in this world, why can’t she stay with us? I mean, I have you and Dad, and my aunts and uncles, and Frances! But she’s alone.” Charlie pouted showing his hand to the black and gold dog, as she stretched her neck, Charlie caressed her gold chest. “We should take her and go live somewhere else.”

You chuckled at his proposal, he simply didn’t care you were married to his father. Trying to keep the hair away from her face, you brushed it and did a little bun at the top of her head. She looked at you with those beautiful eyes.

“She has been a really good dog, to be honest, but Charlie, we can’t hold a daily fight with your father over it, he’s got his reasons and we need to do as he says.” The dog then walked over you and getting comfortable, she walked in circles three times only to then laying on your lap, she turned her belly at you.

“She likes you.” Charlie smiled as your fingers tickled her stomach.

“When they do this is because they feel secure.”

“When I grow up, I will buy my own house and have lots of doggies!”

Standing up, you asked him to keep an eye on the pup. Opening the bedroom door without a notice, and that’s when you found Tommy startled.

Playing with your necklace, you avoided his piercing blue eyes. “I hope you find someone soon, because it’s going to be harder…”

It was so hard for him to see you serious like that, he could tell you were getting attached.

Was he acting extremely strict? Selfish? Perhaps.

Frances announced he had a phone call waiting, so Tommy walked towards his office. Spending most of his time there, he could hear outside Charlie playing in the hall, other voices and laughs at times, focused on the email he was typing, he thanked Frances for the tea she brought at some point.

By the corner of his eyes, he saw the heavy door moving, but no one walked in, a little sound made him stop, looking suspicious at the door, if the windows were closed, why was the door moving?

Slowly, he took his gun from its holster, pointing it at the door, alert.

Then he heard a little cry, as he looked down, he found the small yorkie walking in, wriggling its tail and jumping excitedly towards him.

“Ah it’s only you, ey, was going to fucking shoot you.”

Standing up in her little back paws, the pup scratched his leg.

“What are ya doing here little rat? You don’t look like a real dog.”

As the dog looked at him with her bright brown eyes, he stared back, trying to scare her. But it didn’t work.

“Y/N really likes you, so does my son… they’re both a little off with me because of you.” He felt ridiculous talking to a dog, but she tilted her head to the side, as if she could understand what he was saying.

“Should I let you stay?”

Another head tilt.

“Your puppy eyes, do nothing to me, ey?”

A little whine came out from her, as she was trying to get comfortable on Tommy.

Walking out from his office, he found Polly chatting in the kitchen with you.

“I really don’t want to push anything Pol…”

Both of you stopped your conversation as Tommy appeared in the room, but it wasn’t because of him, you were surprised to see him holding the precious doggie against his chest.

“I found this little gatecrasher in my office.” Tommy cocked an eyebrow. “She asked me if she could stay with us permanently.”

“Y/N…” Charlie entered the kitchen looking pale, “I can’t find-” the kid gasped as his eyes found the puppy in his father’s arms.

Then, everything happened in slow motion; Tommy looked at the dog, and the dog looked back at him, then a pink little tongue could be seen and the pup licked Tommy’s cheek.

Polly’s hand dramatically came to rest over her mouth, while you held your breath.

But as you saw Tommy throwing his head back and letting out a loud laugh, your heart skipped a beat.

“I think that’s a yes,” he announced handing you the puppy. “But there will be some rules, though.”

Charlie started jumping around, he could barely hold his excitement.

“Listen to me carefully, you’ll take care of cleaning her mess, and she’ll need training…” Tommy warned, but Charlie wasn’t listening, his arms circled his father’s body.

“Thank you,thank you! I’m sorry I shouted.”

“I’m sorry too son.”

“Aunt Pol! Can we go and buy a bed? She needs a leash… oh! And a name too.”

As Charlie pulled Polly by the hand, you walked towards Tommy, smiling.

“Really? All I had to do to see you smile like that was getting a dog?”

“Thank you.” Your hands moved up and down his chest, kissing his cheek with a playful look.

“It doesn’t sound like you’re extra grateful you know?” He joked winking at you, pulling your hips towards him, kissing you with passion.

Until a little bark interrupted your kiss.

“You already know the love you feel for Charlie, and it’s different from the kind of love you feel for me.” You told Tommy. “But now you will learn about a different kind of love.”

“Really? You think a dog will love me?” You smiled at his doubts, he really didn’t know.

“Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we didn’t know we had.”

****

Master list

A/N: if you made it this far, thank you!!!! ♥️ it means a lot, I hope you enjoyed this pup celebration as much as I did!

Tag list: @lyarr24 @runnning-outof-time @cillmequick @gypsy-girl-08 @datewithgianni @cloudofdisney @gretelshelby @lespendy @onlydeadcells @fastfan @stevie75 @prettylittlehoneyeyesxoxo @esposadomd @strayrockette @the-forest-witchh @elenavampire21 @forgottenpeakywriter @zablife @peakyscillian @evita-shelby @raincoffeeandfandoms @midnightmagpiemama @moral-terpitude @babaohhhriley @ange-thoughts @shelbydelrey @shaddixlife @sloanexx @cilliansangel @rangerelik

[fuj0wuj0]

Hiiiiii!!!!! Disaster Husbands facts?? Ramdog facts?? Random Oc fact?? 👉👂👈 I am. Perceiving Auditorily :) No pressure btw!!! Regardless I really hope you are feeling better and your sickness is letting you get some rest :D

OMG HI GALE HIIII!!!! 💕💕 Thanks for the concern!! The sickness has been. horrible. but I can BREATHE right now so maybe this week's the last?!?!?! I hope so...

Every time you ask me an OC related question an angel gets its wings btw thank you for letting me talk. this is enrichment to me

Reply under the cut as to not clutter the dash of those who care not 😌😌

Okay, so let's start with ramdog <33 My OGs

We all know that Sherman has like. Separation anxiety right. 😭😭 It was not intended to be canon at first, but after the iconic Piano Piece, I just figured it'd be really funny... Not for him, though... At least he gets some good work done when he's broody, right…? Haha...

Their families love their respective partners so much... Sherman's mom and sister pretty much immediately adopted Obi because he matches their energy 100%. Obi's parents almost passed out from happiness when they met Sherman because HOLY SHIT THEIR SHITASS SON BROUGHT HOME A DECENT GUY. Ms. Katsura loves having him over for dinner. Real pleasant guy 🥰He gets so many jars of pickled food when he visits with Obi that they can barely carry them to the car. They also both hang out with Hana (Obi's sis) pretty regularly! :D

They have beef with their elderly neighbor. Not because she's homophobic, but because they're legit unpleasant neighbors (Obi smokes in the shared corridor + Sherman plays the piano very early in the morning) 😭

They get married post-canon (quite a while after all the gang shit is resolved) :DD [I'm sorry I know all my OCs are getting gay married all the time, no one's surprised. I have a bias 🙏🙏]

As I've stated some time before, Sherman doesn't usually let others see his ears. Yes, Obi has seen them multiple times. Yes, he teases him about it a lot. (all in good fun, though - and Sherman usually gets back at him immediately. Like ok dog, tough words from someone within Tail Grabbing distance)

Since Sherman is usually home more, he kind of assigned himself housekeeper (fair enough, Obi's a slob). They don't need to cook super often though, Katsura keeps giving them tupperware full of food so they usually live off of that for 5 days a week HAH

Sherman hates smoking, but he often has cigarette breath. Go figure 😏

At the beginning of their relationship (familiar, not romantic) Obi almost never uses Sherman's name. He just calls him Mozart, Chopin or Wolfgang 😭 It pisses Sherman off, so Obi just switches to Sher when he's trying to be less of a little shit. The actual name is reserved for y'know. Emotional vulnerability and all that. (Later on, 'Mozart' stops being an irritating nickname. It kinda grew on him...)

RAAARGH many thoughts about them but I'm not hitting the post limit 2nite. Okay Disaster Husbands go!!

Funny story, both Ulysses and Kallen were totally different in their first "drafts"!

OG Kallen was much more... Open? And a little sassy? Like, still very much straight-faced, but he didn't have that professional air 24/7. I'd even say he was pretty open with his emotions. Emotional outbursts weren't above him, dude really knew how to argue in a heated moment. I like to think that this is how Kallen would be if Orso didn't make him into a living weapon 😭 The current Kallen is also freakier (😏)

And OG Ulysses...Oh my god. God, ew. When I say "CEO in a wattpad fanfic", this is what I mean. Dude was insufferable. Aggressive, broody fellow with unresolved anger issues who thinks he can do and have and say whatever he wants. An now he's a tiger? Hell no. Match made in hell. Incompetent Dork Ulysses >>>> Angry Baddie Ulysses, any day.

Ok onto actual little trivias--

Ulysses loves buying his loved ones gifts. Kallen doesn't know how to accept a gift gracefully (didn't like getting stuff from Orso, neither).

Catpeople don't control when they purr. And Ulysses purrs LOUD. (imagine trying to be subtle and act like you're not bothered by that Pretty Guy On Your Couch but you sound like an industrial drill. yeah.)

Their glasses clank together when they kiss sometimes <3 #goals

I don't see them going out on dates much, BUT I think Ulysses would order some good tiramisu and they could cuddle on the couch maybe.....

Kallen kept his identity hidden from the press/tabloids for a while out of habit (not that good for a sniper to be out with their face plastered on celebrity gossip, afterall), but when the dust settled they eventually made their wedding public. Ulysses would probably stay a little anxious about it, always making sure that Kallen's okay with being out in public / on camera 100 times.

I think they could have another kid in the future..? I have this faint idea of them having a daughter by the name of Roma, but that feels a little on the nose with the...italian-greek parent combo 😐 We'll see, though! They're content with just Juno rn 😌

and as some extras, not related to the couples:

Kallen's afraid of making a kid feel like he did with Orso (unsure whether they're loved or not). I can totally see him being a little overprotective/overbearing.

Aaahhh, that was a lot...Honestly as I was writing this I realized that disaster husbands are kind of hard to write about in trivia form?? Maybe because they're _relatively_ new...

Still, it was fun to write it all out!! Thanks for the question as always, Gale <33

[self-indulgent-paw-patrol]

You know how you always apologize in the tags when you go on a Paw Patrol rant? Well, I for one really enjoy your little essays, I love how unashamedly passionate you are about Paw Patrol, how you overanalyze and theorize about it just like I do, it's why I love this blog so much, I love nerding out with you over these cute cartoon dogs

How dare you do this to me when I'm sick and emotional (/j) 😭🫂💜 I'm gonna cry (edit: ok I actually did, a bit XD)

Seriously now, thank you so much too. Every time I see you popping up around in any of my askboxes I go like "OH MY GOD COTTON CANDY SENT ME AN ASK AGAIN AAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THEM SO MUCH LET'S SEE WHAT IT'S ABOUT THIS TIME" - really, Blue and Eryx can confirm, I go nuts for a whole minute or two in our little Discord server XDD it's always a joy to see you around.

I guess I tend to apologize because it's a little like an automatic reaction... It wasn't THAT MUCH or that bad, but I've been told numerous times I shouldn't focus so much on things that are soooooo not for my age. I always have to remind relatives and their friends that it's people my age or older who get to work on producing these things in the first place. And I know people hear these things since early on too, it's annoying, like what the hell, let us live our little lives, we're not actively affecting yours XD

I still find it funny, how passionate I got about Paw Patrol, because when I started watching it, I wasn't expecting to get SO INTO IT.

When I stop to think, most my profile pics on social media/messaging apps are now of Paw Patrol. I've been watching it since January, right after my dog Dakota died. I got now two blogs (and a half bc I'm sorta "helping" Eryx with her askblog of Everest/Tracker/Rex so I was added as a mod there) only for Paw Patrol stuff instead of mixing it around in my personal blog like most my other interests/fandoms. My Telegram art channel has been 90% Paw Patrol arts this entire year so far, except for commissions. I met amazing people in this fandom and even got one hate comment LMAO there's this old Tumblr saying that states your blog hasn't truly started until you get a hate message 😂 Heck I even bought three toys so far! It's been AGES since I last bought anything fandom related for myself, on anything at all. The one thing that comes to mind is the Lightning McQueen origins storybook last year (still gotta remember to buy Jackson Storm's and Cruz Ramirez's too). I usually make/paint/craft my own stuff instead of buying (one of the several reasons I relate to Rocky!).

I just, wow? It's real. I got this whole thing going on and it makes me smile every day and I don't want it to stop any soon. I started watching the show as a way to soothe myself and relax my stressed brain after Dakota's passing. Didn't expect to get so far. I'm glad I did and that I'm here with you guys.

Thanks for being part of what makes it so special for me too, Cotton Candy. You're amazing and I love it whenever you show up bringing more stuff for me to talk about 💜 PAW PATROL IS ON A ROLL, MY FRIEND, LET'S GOOOOOOO

[banannabethchase]

Okay so if someone you lived with has been sick, working 9-10 hour days, and has gotten both the flu and COVID vaccines, and today had their first day of winter break, and they've stated, "I think I need to do nothing for today and nap until I feel okay", do you think it's reasonable to, in this order:

Yell at the dog

Do some weird banging cleaning routine in the bathroom outside the tired person's door

Watch TV downstairs at full volume

Tell the dog, at the top of your lungs, "I can't wait any longer. You'll have to wait down here because Sara won't wake up."

Slam the door to the house as you leave.

Note: not once did this person text or ask me, "Hey can you keep an eye on my dog for a little bit?" Nor did they leave a note, or tell me their day plans, or ask for any help.

Tl;Dr I live with a child and that child is my mother who I've been parenting since I was 14.

[questionablemeap]

so, little story time.

i’m really sick right now, it’s not covid but with the conglomeration of chronic illnesses i have, the illness is being a little bitch.

basically long story short, my stomach doesn’t want to work, like ever. have you ever had a package that said they’d deliver in 5-10 days? and you’re like oh five to ten days, that’s just a week or so, not bad. and then a week passes and you’re like, okay where’s my package? so you check the website, and you realize it said 5-10 business days? so now you’re waiting for a package that instead of taking a week to deliver, it’s going to take a month and a half?

yeah, that’s my stomach, but also add in that because of my stomach not working, if i’m not careful i will throw up everything i eat and not truly consume anything for months on end. anyways, because of this and a bunch of other things, my immune system is constantly in a state of that one meme with the dog sitting in the middle of a fire saying this is fine.

so i have some sort of cold, or something of the like. no big deal, i’ll just be sniffly and coughing for a few days. hey remember how my immune system is total shit?

my symptoms have been as follows. coughing fits, repeated dry heaving with no actual throwing up, just the painful feeling of retching with no relief, a sniffly nose so bad i can’t taste anything but mucus, extreme nausea, stomach pain, scratchy throat, headaches that turn into migraines, and fatigue.

y’know what you do when you’re fatigued? you rest, obviously. i don’t have the energy to walk down the stairs more than once a day, so i’m limited to my bed and two or three bathroom trips a day. i’ve been in bed all week. all. week.

now when you’re restricted to your bed for a week, feeling like utter shit with very little motivation to talk to anyone, you get bored very easily.

now what’s a good thing to do when you can’t move, but are really bored? read. i have been consuming fanfictions at a rate i haven’t done since i was in middle school. i’m in the middle of churning through dark matter on ao3 like it’s the last thing i’ll ever read.

hey. hey guess what happened. you’ll never guess. you’ll never guess what happened.

ao3 is down for maintenance. now that’s fine, i can be without fanfic for five minutes or so, so i go to scroll tiktok and get lost in a rabbit hole of frogs and mushrooms. thirty minutes go by. i think, oh well ao3 has got to be up by now!

it’s not. i check ao3’s tumblr. nothing. i get so desperate, i even check *shudder* twitter. and you know what i find? ao3’s been having trouble lately. too many 500 errors are randomly appearing. they have the site down to fix it. they have the site down for maintenance.

so i’m here, fuming in my bed, incredibly sick, and ready to throw hands. i’m so ready to throw down, i spend a good twenty minutes writing out this tumblr post.

long story short — im sick, and i’m feral, and i need my fanfiction

[covid-safer-hotties]

What Exactly Is Long Covid? — ITT Episode 37 - Audio Interview - Published September 11, 2024

Listen at the link!

The millions of people worldwide who are suffering from a vast array of disabling symptoms long after being infected with SARS-CoV-2 may eventually benefit from a new consensus definition of long Covid.

Rachel Gotbaum: This is “Intention to Treat” from the New England Journal of Medicine. I’m Rachel Gotbaum. Today, we are going to talk about the millions of people who have been struggling with baffling and often disabling symptoms since being infected with SARS-CoV-2. There has been no standard definition of what exactly long Covid is or how to diagnose it, until now. Recently, the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine came out with a comprehensive definition of long Covid, calling it a chronic, systemic disease state with profound consequences. Long Covid can affect any organ in the body and can attack one or multiple systems, and includes some 200 symptoms and hundreds of conditions, such as lupus, cardiovascular disease, fibromyalgia, and cognitive impairment. The hope is that with this new definition, clinicians, researchers, and policymakers can finally help the patients with long Covid who continue to suffer.

Tiffany Brown: I’m Tiffany Brown. I’m 56 years old. I got Covid in August of 2020. By December, I started to feel ill again. I was having trouble concentrating and focusing. The headaches and the full body aches are sometimes so bad, you just don’t want to get out of bed. You just want to lay there because you hurt so bad.

Susan Miller: My name is Dr. Sue Miller. I am 51 years old, and I have had long Covid since my only Covid infection, which was in May of 2022. So I was sick for about 2 weeks. I had a lot of GI symptoms. I had a fever, a terrible sore throat, and I had hallucinations.

After that, my energy level never recovered. I was having headaches and terrible fatigue, and I would forget things. I was a practicing neonatologist at a community hospital, and the thing I noticed when I went back to work was that I couldn’t multitask. And my job is one big multitask.

Tiffany Brown: I started to feel so ill that I went back to the doctor, and I wasn’t getting any results. The doctor took blood work, would always tell me basically, “That’s a lot of symptoms, and it doesn’t sound like you actually have a specific illness.” I felt that they implied many a times a lot of it may be in your head, and they would tell me something like, “You could lose weight, you could eat better, you could start exercising.” And I walked daily for years, and after having Covid, I could not do that. I still can’t.

Susan Miller: I was an extremely high-functioning, athletic, smart, overachieving person. So I would take call for 24 hours, I’d go home and run six miles, cooked my family dinner, walked the dogs, read books, and all of a sudden, I couldn’t do any of that. And it was scary.

Tiffany Brown: I realized that I wasn’t getting any better, and I went to a bigger hospital out of state and had a full interview and many tests done, and I was told I had Covid long-haulers. I had never heard of the Covid long-haulers before, and it was very, very helpful and some relief to know there was a name to what I had and that it wasn’t just in my head.

Susan Miller: One night on call, I was called to see just kind of a routine check of a baby, and I left my call room, and I forgot my glasses, my ID badge — so I couldn’t get back into the call room — and my stethoscope, and I walked out and I got lost a little bit. And it was that moment that I knew I just, I couldn’t take that chance. I took an oath of do no harm. My whole life, I wanted to be a physician. I was at the peak of my career, and I lost all of that because of a virus.

Tiffany Brown: I no longer have my job. I worked for 27 years for the county that I live in, and when I was off work, I was told if I didn’t come back in a certain time, I would be relieved, and they did so. And I had been there so long and knew so many people that it just felt like I had lost friends and family that I would never get back.

Susan Miller: I saw my internist. She ordered a bunch of basic labs and an MRI of my brain, and all of that came back normal. She had no idea what was going on with me. She said that there’s nothing that she can do. All she could offer me was a hug. And now, 2 years later, I realize that that’s really common. Most doctors, they don’t know anything about long Covid.

Tiffany Brown: It was hard, very hard, because most people look at you and you look like you’re OK. They don’t see your pain. So it was very disheartening.

Susan Miller: I had been on a waiting list for a year and a half, and I saw a new neurologist. He was reading my MRI. I had asked him a pointed question about my hippocampus because they’re both small. One’s smaller than the other, and that’s abnormal. They shrunk. They have atrophy. And so I said to him, “Well, this is something that is seen with long Covid,” and he said to me, “Yeah, you probably know more about that than I do.” So me, the brain-injured neonatologist, knows more about how long Covid affects the brain than the neurologist, who is a specialist in the brain. So I called and reached out to every long Covid clinic. I basically just tried to get in anywhere I could.

Tiffany Brown: After I was diagnosed with Covid long-haulers, I applied for the state disability, and I got rejected. No long information, just that “We don’t feel you’re disabled at this time.” Susan Miller: So what I found at the long Covid clinic is that from a psychological standpoint, I have huge validation and a lot of support. What I did not find is that there were actual experts there on this postinfectious syndrome that I have. We can’t tell you why some days your fatigue is so bad that you just have to lay around all day. We can’t tell you why you get bruises in weird spots. We can’t tell you why your toes turn blue all of a sudden. And we don’t know what to do to make it better.

Tiffany Brown: I took out my retirement to have something to live off of, so I was very frightened, from one minute to the next, if I would not be able to pay my gas and light or keep my home. What are you going to do once your money runs out? And I went and got a disability attorney, and through the attorney, I was able to get disability. I didn’t, at one point, think I would be able to go through it. I just thought I would just give up. And it’s still hard day to day.

Susan Miller: I think the biggest problem is that medical providers are not engaged in long Covid. It’s not on their radar. The amount of money they have put into research for long Covid is like spitting in the ocean. Long Covid needs to be in the discussion, the everyday discussion for physicians, for medical professionals, for researchers, for our government. We need to understand that this is a public health crisis. And it’s not going away for some of us.

Rachel Gotbaum: This is “Intention to Treat” from the New England Journal of Medicine. We’re now joined by two people who helped shape the new National Academies of Science definition for long Covid. Karyn Bishof is president of the Longhauler Advocacy Project, and Dr. Wesley Ely is a professor of medicine and critical care at Vanderbilt University. So Dr. Ely, you’re an ICU doctor, you do research. And at first, you’ve written for NEJM and said that you didn’t really believe long Covid existed. Tell us about your experience with that and how it transformed.

E. Wesley Ely: For 25 years, we’ve been studying survivors after the ICU and diagnosing them with this disease state called postintensive care syndrome, which is an acquired disease of dementia and post-traumatic stress disorder and depression, and muscle and nerve disease. So as an ICU doctor, I’m taking care of all these Covid patients in an ICU setting, on ventilators, immobilized, on high-dose sedatives, and I’m thinking they’re getting out of the ICU, and they just have PICS, postintensive care syndrome, and all these people are talking about these prolonged symptoms. And then we started getting calls into our research center here at Vanderbilt University, and these are people who are telling us, “We have prolonged symptoms. We were never in the hospital. We got Covid and never even got admitted to a hospital.” So now we have a new set of people coming to us, saying, “We can’t think well. We have blood-pressure problems. We have heart rates that are through the roof. We have GI problems, all kinds of joint problems — I mean, this whole constellation that we now know of as long Covid over 200 symptoms — and we were never put in a hospital at all. What can you do for us? What is this?”

And so I had to start thinking to myself, “Wes, you need education. You need to learn. And most importantly, you need to listen to these people.” And as a medical insider, we are taught to not diagnose something unless we understand what it is, to not label something unless we understand what it is. And when we don’t understand something, we feel uncomfortable. And that’s the way I felt. I felt like, for example, part of the disease of long Covid has a lot to do with the symptoms of myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome, and that ME/CFS is a disease state that many people don’t believe of in Western medicine. There’s no diagnostic test, there’s no treatment, isn’t even real, and many doctors label such patients as psychosomatic or having psychological illness and suggest that they go get psychiatric help, and it’s all stress related. So that’s where I was coming from as a physician. Am I willing to lay down my diagnosis and call it a real thing and have other doctors in my circles say, “Wes, are you losing it? Do you actually believe this stuff?,” and in the end of the day, I fell heavily on the side of, “Yes, I believe in this. And call me a quack, but I think we’re going to prove that this is a real disease state, and we’ve got a lot to learn from the patients and about the science.”

Rachel Gotbaum: Karyn Bishof, you were a firefighter and a paramedic when you got Covid and then became disabled with long Covid. Tell us about your experience and how you found this community and started to do advocacy.

Karyn Bishof: It started to become evident to me that I wasn’t recovering as much as my coworkers and something wasn’t quite right. I ended up losing my dream career as a firefighter paramedic because of these health issues, and really early on there was no information. I literally went online and Googled “prolonged symptoms from Covid,” and that is how I found the article, talking about long Covid for the first time. That’s how I found an online community of other patients. Up until that point, I thought I was completely alone. There was nothing about this on the news, nothing about this in the media. This was the first time hearing about it, after 3 months of being completely isolated with all of these new symptoms and health conditions that nobody understood. And seeing all the stories from patients like myself, like people being unable to work, people experiencing symptoms that are not being talked about on the news. We now know that there’s 200 symptoms, as Wes already stated. And part of that picture is that umbrella picture of long Covid, which none of us really recognized and knew how large that umbrella was at the time.

I started doing these patient surveys, saying, “What symptoms are you developing? What conditions have you developed? What clinicians are you seeing that may be helping? Have you lost your job? What are your employers saying?” And seeing the responses from so many people across the globe, coming together, trying to figure out what is going on with us, and what can we do to raise the alarm bells for the public and for clinicians and researchers to start helping us and prevent others from becoming like us. And I started to form the Covid-19 Longhauler Advocacy Project. And to date, we’ve now grown to 60 chapters across the U.S., in every U.S. state and territory, and we have chapters for pregnancy and family planning, teens, BIPOC, LGBTQ, caregivers, labor force union, bereavement, and more, because we find that our role is really identifying the gaps and our needs and bringing that to the stakeholders who make the decisions and who can implement the changes that we need.

Rachel Gotbaum: Do we know how many people have long Covid?

E. Wesley Ely: There are fairly good data to say that at least 6% of people who get Covid end up with long Covid. That still translates, by the way, into globally over a hundred million people, and in the United States, 15 to 20 million people. I think that qualifies as a public health disaster right there.

Rachel Gotbaum: So let’s talk about what’s happening, because we’ve talked about 2020, but this is more than 4 years later, and we finally have a definition. What is happening for patients? Karyn Bishof: I think one of the biggest barriers that we still face all comes down to the foundation of education around long Covid. And many in the patient community are still facing these barriers and the stigma from providers who can’t imagine that a virus is causing all of these issues, or think that there has to be something wrong, or there’s comorbidities, or preexisting conditions in these patients, and that’s why they’re developing long Covid. But as the 2024 NASEM long Covid definition points out, anybody can get long Covid, regardless of demographics, regardless of you’re an adult, regardless if you’re a pediatric, regardless if you have prior health conditions. And I think that’s one of the things that has been overlooked during the pandemic as a whole. E. Wesley Ely: I think that what’s happening is that we’ve got millions of people suffering from a disease state, who have either never been acknowledged to have that disease state by a medical professional or have been acknowledged and are getting grave difficulties at finding any real help from the disability and income perspective. So most of these patients who have a severe, progressive form of this, or even a moderate form of this, have lost their livelihood, have lost their ability to make money, they’re disabled, and many of them in our support groups, for example, come to us and say, “OK, I’ve now lost my housing,” and that really puts people in a state of despair. So it’s a public health nightmare, quite frankly. And the public health nightmare is that we have not met these people where they are to help them find Social Security disability income, we have not helped them find the medical needs that they need because doctors haven’t yet, without a definition, felt comfortable making this diagnosis. But we hope that this 2024 NASEM definition will allow the doors to be opened for both medical professionals and the public at large to find a way forward.

Rachel Gotbaum: So Karyn Bishof, the lack of an understanding of this condition has created major barriers for patients to get help.

Karyn Bishof: In terms of the barriers that long Covid patients are facing, when many patients are seeking benefits like Social Security disability, or food assistance, or Medicaid, or housing assistance, they have to rely on a doctor’s documentation of how their illness impacts their activities of daily living, how it impacts their ability to work, how it impacts their ability to attend school. And many of these patients can’t even get that initial documentation from their providers to do that. So in education, I mean, educating not only the patient community, but the very clinicians who are responsible for identifying long Covid in the first place. And the same thing goes for payers and insurance. Many of the medications that we need are not approved for long Covid. Long Covid has no approved treatments, no cure, no anything. So patients are having to also get the diagnoses for, say, conditions like POTS in order to get beta-blockers, or conditions like MCAS in order to get needed medications, and access to many of those specialists are few and far between. So access to clinical care and the type of clinicians needed to get the documentation we have to address in order for the long Covid community to move forward and recover.

Rachel Gotbaum: So how do you think we got here with this lack of attention to this problem?

E. Wesley Ely: I think we are where we are in terms of the societal unacceptance of long Covid and the medical community’s essential unacceptance of long Covid — broad-sweeping brush strokes here — because this pandemic occurred, it threw us all for such a loop, it scared everybody dramatically, we had millions of deaths, and we all want it to be over. We want to forget about this and move on with our lives. And the last thing we want to hear, as a society, is that there is an infection-associated chronic condition resulting from this virus that doesn’t go away for people years later. But honestly, everybody I’ve asked, “Have you ever heard of long Covid?,” they all say, “Oh, yeah, my cousin has it,” “Oh, yeah, my best friend has it.” Everybody seems to know somebody who has long Covid, and yet the government and medical community is not talking about this very broadly. One of my patients applied four times to Social Security, got rejected every time. She has a medical diagnosis of long Covid. She has all the chart documentation that you could ask for. And yet she can’t get the help that she needs. We’re just way behind on acknowledging the realities of this public health disaster.

Rachel Gotbaum: So Karyn Bishof, what is it like for you today? How is your functioning now?

Karyn Bishof: Unfortunately, my health continues to worsen since developing Covid. I’ve been diagnosed with lupus, eosinophilic esophagitis, chronic migraine and new daily persistent headache, GI dysmotility, insomnia, and many other things. I mean, my daily medications are well over 15 to this point, and I’ve probably seen over 40 or 50 different clinicians over the last four and a half years. My typical day, unfortunately, starts with hours and hours of nausea and vomiting every single morning and GI upset. It doesn’t matter if I ate the day before or 3 days before. It happens every single day, and absolutely wipes me out. I mean, I spend my day in bed, sometimes make it down to my couch in my living room. But something like attending my son’s soccer game on a weekend means that I have to commit myself to doing absolutely nothing for 3 to 4 days before and 3 to 4 days after in order to just attend a 2-hour event. And at that 2-hour event, in order for me to go, I have a chair that has a leg lift on it, it has a canopy, I have to bring ice packs with me because I’m not able to regulate my temperature, but I also have to hide from the sun because I have lupus. So it is a cascading, vicious circle of trying to manage, and a lot of the times, unfortunately, we’re not able to prevent. We’re more so chasing, chasing, chasing, and we’re always behind the eight ball.

Rachel Gotbaum: So how will this new long Covid definition help improve the lives of people like Karyn Bishof and so many other people living with this disease? E. Wesley Ely: OK, I’ll say three ways that this definition really improves things — clinically, from a research perspective, and from a policy perspective. Doctors can now see a person in an office that they would have listened to their symptoms and said, “Gosh, I don’t know if I should be out on a limb, making this diagnosis, when I don’t even understand what the disease is, or even to call it a disease.” Now, the doctor can hear their patient and say, “Wow, you meet this 2024 NASEM long Covid definition very clearly. You meet the criteria. I’m putting in your chart that you have long Covid.”

Doctors before wouldn’t have done that because they didn’t want to be out on a fringe and be called a quack, OK? So that’s the first thing is clinically. Now the patient also has achieved a great accomplishment, now that they can be believed and be heard. Then second, from a research perspective, doctors like me, physician-scientists, can design randomized control trials with explicit inclusion/exclusion criteria based on this definition, and get the right people in, exclude the wrong people that won’t help to answer a specific research question, and get the public answers about the right therapies for this disease state. And then third, the policymakers can say, “Ah, finally, I get it. That’s what this is? Let’s change the way we determine disability income rights for patients to meet this definition.” So all three of those are huge things we think can be affected by the publishing of this definition.

Karyn Bishof: This definition helps to get everybody on the same page. Now, we have a standardized, consensus definition, that if adopted government-wide and implemented, will help start shaping these programs to benefit the long Covid community. But the most important thing to emphasize is that it’s actually adopted and implemented. Having this definition is a great starting point, but unless these people and these programs begin to implement that, the long Covid community sits and waits in the same position we’re in right now.

Rachel Gotbaum: Thank you both so very much.

Karyn Bishof: Thank you for having us and for raising awareness about long Covid.

E. Wesley Ely: It’s a privilege to be part of this process of discovery and, hopefully, to find patients who are suffering some answers. Rachel Gotbaum: We had help from Associate Editor Cliff Rosen and Producer Brigid McCarthy. Our managing editor is Debra Malina, and our engineer is Adam Straus. Next time, researchers say it may someday be possible to communicate with more patients in a coma or vegetative state than previously thought.

Speaker 6: I think that this indicates that there’s probably a substantial population of people who we see just no evidence of responsiveness at the bedside, and yet something’s going on in there. Rachel Gotbaum: That’s next time on “Intention to Treat” from the New England Journal of Medicine. I’m Rachel Gotbaum.