#since i dont want to rely
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I miss drawing daily on my iPad but at the same time not drawing on it is a bit of a relief
#i still have sn ipad but#bc of no internet#cant use it as much#so kind getting me to draw more traditionally#since i dont want to rely#on the ipad#no matter how convenient it is#ramble#delete later
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devotionduo so codependent that when they try to be less so they end up hurting each other what if i kms
#mine.txt#zam hated being relied on so Heavily in s5 so now mapicc values team interindependence to a level that i dont think?? hes had before#which means hes taken more liberty in grinding for himself and his teammates a lot more than he used to#and because zam places a lot of value in himself in being the team grinder he feels useless and unneded#and since zams a huge grinder it means mapiccs main method of helping him is through violence but since hes a pacifist this season#and while technically zam is fine with other ppl killing and most importantly killing For him; he doesnt really have any beef that requires#killing as a form of revenge which means mapicc cant do the main thing that zam (and anyone else really) uses him for#and they both want to do and be more for the other but theyre stuck at a standstill cause theyre in uncharted territory#cause theyre friendly but not teamed (or even pseudo-teamed like in early s5)#i will say tho mapes more active in trying to find ways to hang out with zam#but if there isnt a clear opportunity to do so hes so Weird about it lmao like he basically just kinda. hovers over him lmao#whether in chat or otherwise#but when an opportunity Does present itself tho he seizes on it basically immediately#like the stalking is easy pickings but theres also gaias hand and literally anytime zam asks him to kill someone for him#ok but seriously tho the fact that mapicc basically declared them as teammates (even if its not official)#after he finished with the stalking was so sdfsdklaghsaljh#like bruh why does zam even have doubts about mapicc prioritizing him above everyone else he doesnt even do all that for his actual team 😭#devotions
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so are we gonna talk about how blindfold brothers and wemmbu kinda just treat the empire as on call fighters for zam bc of mapicc. he's zam's scary dog privilege LMFAO
#lifesteal#devotion duo#prince zam#mapicc#like is mapicc zams scary dog privilege or ?#its funny bc I do gen believe mapicc would help zam#no matter what but also esp bc hes incapable of not teaming w his friends and caring for them#like look at ro and zam#bro ends up at LEAST allying w them in some shape or form in every season regardless of if theyve been enemies or not#and if mapicc asked i do think most of the empire would back HIM up#though i dont think zam realizes that he CAN rely on the empire due to his importance to mapicc#or maybe he doesnt want to? or he doesnt consider it an actual stable reliance since theyd be fighting to help mapicc#and bc its a common enemy and not necessarily FOR zam himself#lifesteal spoilers
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I love 2p japan
CHINA: 日本さえ恋がしたいということ、考えられないことではないねぇ。(It’s not unthinkable that even Japan would want love, right?)
JAPAN: 闭嘴。(Shut up.)
#hetalia#hws china#hws japan#aph china#aph japan#2ptalia#2p hetalia#china speaking in japanese just to make japan mad so japan responds in chinese just to retaliate LOL#as always please let me know if theres any errors with the translations! with regards to japanese esp since i always want to improve it.#i am totally lost with chinese however so i am forced to rely on short simple phrases that are easily verified... such as shut up.#and its always so fun to read about other languages. like apparently italians dont use many acronyms#and korean has a tendency to just drop pronouns and make you infer the subject... according to my bro who is studying it currently.#ENOUGH ABOUT REAL COUNTRIES LETS TALK ABOUT HETALIA !!!#with regards to china... i really want to make him kind of floaty strange offputting... hes so old and hes seen so much...#a mix between 'ive seen so much it doesnt matter' and 'you never really go numb'...#but hes also silly and a little volatile...#yeah hes smiling but inside hes [GLASS SHATTERING SFX] What was that..#china isnt well elaborated upon even in canon so im excited to put him thru the wringer here...#he should constantly have a smile and dead eyes. ouo <-- like this#hes so old you guys hes so tired.#anonymous#2p china#2p japan#ask
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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Sort of a ramble, sort of me just writing my thoughts out while I'm stuck with writer's block, but I keep thinking about how Fulcrum was in stasis for roughly 3 million years??
Like, that's a long time, even for Cybertronians. Not a really long time, not an entire lifespan. But still, it's a large chunk of a normal lifespan just gone. Poof.
One second you're crawling across the pockmarked terrain of an alien planet, surrounded by the sound of gunfire, and the shouting and screaming before and after each earth shuddering impact of another k-con hitting the ground. And then it's quiet. You're not there anymore. You're drifting somewhere between not alive and just asleep. Preserved somewhere in the background of a doomed body, ignored by time and space, still here, but also not.
And then there's sound. Not gunfire. Not shouting or screaming. Not the sounds that'll haunt you till your dying days, your own death sentence pounding in your head. No. Just voices, talking, standing out against a silent, dead world. Wondering. Joking. Bickering. Familiar. Just, not familiar to you. And you're awake. Pulled back from the nothingness you've been frozen in, consciousness tugged forwards with the yank of a fuel pump and the nearness of life.
These two moments are roughly 3 million years apart, but only minutes, maybe even seconds, to him. From a hectic harrowing battlefield, to an old silent graveyard in one blink.
How long did it take to really sink in? I mean, he seems to just roll with it. He doesn't seem particularly bothered. But like, what happened outside of what we see? How did he really feel?
Also, his body aged without him. While his mind preserved itself, freezing him as he was right then, his body was left to weather Clemency for all those years. No wonder it crumbled to dust when he jumped off the world sweeper. It's probably a miracle of some kind that it didn't just fall apart each time someone leaned on him.
And even after they rebuild him, give him a better, newer body. His spark, it's casing, all the irreplaceable core bits that make up their inner bodies, it aged in the time without him. Does he feel it? Does it make his body even more foreign to him?
Then he's also a technician with information that's 3 million years out of date. Lucky him that the scavengers probably weren't working with top of the line material. But still it's gotta be weird when faced with anything brand new, because a lot can change and progress in 3 million years, and now some of the knowledge he once prided himself in is obsolete.
Besides those things, his view of the galaxy, of the war, of their kind, of other kinds, is one of the few things actually pointed out when it comes to him being stuck in the past. So, how often were his old views challenged? Facts of life he held close proved to no longer true? There's 3 million years worth of new science, new beliefs, new words, new terms, new views.
And sure, some of it can be familiar, because they're an ever evolving kind, and they have patterns, core beliefs, repeating behaviors, but a lot of it's gonna be unfamiliar at the same time, because it's 3 million years worth of catch up, it's not like missing last week's trend.
In a way, it makes him a living relic of a bygone era for Decepticons. It would've been really interesting to have had that explored a little more.
#rq i wanna say i love seeing others thoughts on these if you have them. esp those that have thought about it longer than i lol#like. im still just starting to sink my teeth into the lore and put things together. so your thoughts are much appreciated#sometimes i wish that i could turn these rambles into those really well worded. slightly pretentious. but in a fun way. character metas?#but i dont think i can organize my thoughts that well. so. rambles it is lol#not to say rambling is lesser or smth tho. i love a good ramble. love to read them. i support ramblers#speaking of rambling-#idk why it fascinates me so. but theres just something rlly interesting about fulcrum being somewhat stuck in the past#i think it could've played interestingly into his and kroks dynamic had it been explored more?#like. the past and history play big parts in their lives. krok having studied it. and fulcrum having been fast forwarded thru it#it would've been interesting to see them talk more about it? since logically fulcrum wouldve gone to krok for more of the 3mill year rundow#and its like. krok is shown to be really knowledgeable on not only history. but cultures as well. theres and others.#so certain eras of their own culture would probably be a slight interest of his. esp decepticon ones.#and then theres fulcrum. who pretty much got plucked from the empire era only to land in kroks lap (metaphorically) ((...unless?))#so heres this walking talking piece of history. and a dude that has a sort of passion for history. why not explore it more?#and like. yeah. the ''history'' krok has studied is all mostly shit he lived through. but people study the times they lived through-#-because while they may have lived through it. theirs is only one perspective. a good historian takes into account multiple perspectives#idk where i'm going with this now. smth smth fulcrum relying on krok for future stuff and krok having someone to talk history stuff with#i just. augh. i wanna know what their dynamic is more. what we see in the comics is so back and forth at times#like. they seem to hit it off pretty well. but then fulcrum fucks it up ig by being oblivious and a little too ''i can fix him'' vibey#and his taste in comedy is bad. to say the least. which is apparently grounds for messy divorce#also krok is sometimes cool with selling a whole dude. at least when the dude is their befriended giant killer autobot buddy :/#that is also grounds for divorce. obviously#sorry. this is derailing the more i start thinking about how messy fulkrok could be. like. ough <3#they're a little ''i hate my wife'' coded. but in a greater scav codependent poly way. and it's more krok being annoyed with fulcrum#its like. fulcrum: ''i can fix him bcs i need to feel validated'' vs krok: ''wtf is wrong with this guy?! who does he think he is??''#i think they'd want to pick each other apart intellectually. maybe emotionally. smth smth two officers. both disgraced. and power dynamics#its fun. they're both hypocrites. they'd need couples therapy. its also 4am. shit. ok goodnight
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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I can see why some people are upset about the pit madness concept with Jason, but I still think it's a great tool for having actually literally affected his mental health. It's not about his anger. Jason's anger comes from his core, and all of the decisions he made because of his anger were his alone—but I do think the madness should fuck him up in that way that his hands shake and he gets so angry when he shouldn't. When theres no reason to be. When people are just talking or breathing or living in the background and it being irritating and overstimulating is what triggers the biochemistry that was affected by the pit to turn that to eleven. To try and make him respond like it's a threat. The smallest things set him off to a higher degree than they normally would—not every time, but often enough he has to check himself and really get a focus on regulating his emotional state. On forming a healthy relationship with his patience. It should keep his adrenaline too high, so he thinks he can keep going and going past when anyone should in a fight, and no one knows to tell him to stop because he seems fine and he genuinely thinks he is. It doesn't affect his vision, but it triggers a hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to what's around him—and the paranoia he already suffers with takes that and runs; turning shadows into people long enough he thinks to grab at his guns before he cools off.
#jason todd#like no it obv shouldnt wholly change and be the catalyst for all of his choices#but its fun to let it fuck him up just a little to the left#make all of the problems that shouldve been minor escalate and make it more difficult to fight his own mental illnesses#it puts him in danger before he even realizes and when he (finally) is more connected with his family he learns and works to regulate that#aka i have autism and i think jason should have Autism+ (Lazarus edition)#er... ig that would be -Autism since it sucks a little more KAJSJAJD#anyways heres my two cents bc im literally planning a fic abt it LMFAO#i dont think it should make him angry i think it should turn his anger into something that takes like gasoline- that he has to actively#avoid feeding or it could explode#i want it to be something that forces him to become Better than every negative emotion hes relied on to keep going.#i want it to force him to find kindness.
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#i know there is no logical reason for him to return to the gunsaber since he outgrew the need to rely on the blaster as he improved#but i miss it#i hope he has kanans and they dont make it this whole thing with him accepting a lightsaber After All This Time#but they probably will to parallel kanan#which is fine i guess and him getting by without it and becoming less of a jedi to survive is interesting i just think its a regression#anyway i want to know what the consensus is abt this#sw rebels#ezra bridger#polls#star wars rebels
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also can i jsut say im super happy we get to enter their house in kavehs hangout? bc this means we can enter anytime since we can play hangouts over and over again, now i dont have to scold myself for forgetting to take pics whenever i was in there and then later drawing smth in the house and needing ref LMFAO
#had to rely on pics and i dont like pics for references since im someone who needs to flip and rotate and turn stuff so being able to#walk in and just look at things from all angles how i want is such a huge relief#babbles#tbd#*haitham house pics from the internet which is even more annoying btw HJKBAKJ
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Also before I sleep 84 notes on the rytleo sketches is crazy 🥺 Its hard to say how much its been? Cathartic getting back into gw2 and drawing them again. I literally was drawing Rytleo in 9th grade during lunch in the cafeteria so many years ago...idk. its been like, cool sharing my art with people after all this time and its been crazy to have been told Leo has inspired people creatively when he was always such a special character to me bc of how much he means to me !!! Idk !!!! Okay goodnight!!!!
#srry for being sappy.#it just means a lot....#ive always loved leo even when i left gw2 he was always on my mind#people saying hes cool and complimenting him genuinely makes me want to cry#obviously I dont rely on the internet for self worth but theres a type of join in connecting with other gw2 people#bc people have also inspired me in turn since ive gotten back !!!! aaaaa
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crazy how i have no one
#like yes i have my internet friends and i adore them ofc#but i have no fucking one irl#and i mean no one. my mom’s side of the family is all dead and the other side is uber christian and doesnt give a fuck about us#i only have my brother#and i need help and support so horribly bad but i wasnt there for him when he needed me#so why the hell should he be there for me. he shouldnt#im going to have to rely on myself this time and i cant do that#i dont trust or believe in myself whatsoever#i think im fucking horrible and useless and repulsive#and idk how to be nice to myself bc ive never felt that and i dont know how to self soothe#i dont have the energy physically or mentally or emotionally to learn#and idk what to lean on anymore if i want to quit abusing substances#realized recently how much i do that.#and for how long. a decade. ive been acting like a 13 yo this whole time#idk how to move past and grow up. god i absolutely need to see my therapist again. if she’ll have me#i fear ill be rejected tho ive left and came back several times and last time she said ‘ofc ill take you back youre my person’#whatever that means. ive been an anomaly to every therapist/psych ive been to apparently they all mention how weird i am and how they cant#figure me out. like damn me too doc!#i want to email her so bad but i wont be able to see her until my insurance goes thru and i dont want to get free labor out of her if i dump#all the trauma ive sustained since i last saw her on her yw#but i want to get better i dont want to live like this anymore i cant do it#any of it#my coping mechanisms are all self destructive and i want to grow past that#but i need help and i dont have it. not really#whatever i guess. first step call and see wtfs going on w my insurance#i feel like i need help even for that . i feel so utterly incapable of everything snd i always have#i can do it. i can do it
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hmm after putting a couple scenes from my script into renpy with some photos as background stand-ins + the need for some cgs here and there, i def think it could work as a vn.. i think ill finish my script before i start more seriously working on it just to be sure everything would work as i want, but i think actually if i include a little bit of narration here and there (theres technically narration in my script, though its meant to describe the panels and not to actually be narration, but some v light narration in a vn could work) itd be pretty solid i think 🤔 and itd allow me to include even more dialogue LOL which ive been making efforts to reduce but i definitely could stand to put in more. both carié isle and linnion/kèravie as a whole have a tonnn of worldbuilding where i kinda had to reduce exposition to a minimum for a comic medium. but in a vn the characters could do a lot more talking about this stuff. also i had decided to make the comic black & white bc full color is too hard for a comic for me but for a vn i would get to make it full color :)
#97#narration would prob just say like..#what movements the characters are making/expressions theyre making when theyre thinking etc and maybe a little bit about how theyre moving#since they do walk from place to place a lot#but i dont need a ton of narration aside from that#i do want my characters to be very visually expressive without relying on narration to describe their expressions so much#so the task of All The Sprites thatd take is a little daunting#but also i do have fun w sprites lol so.#itd take a long ass time to get every single sprite needed but it could be fun#i might ask some friends to pose for me so i can have a bunch of pose references for specific sprites#a good idea would be to go over the whole script once im done and make a full list of every needed sprite#that way i can just get it all done in one go over a couple weeks of work#anyway just the fact i have so many detailed ass backgrounds..#itd be much much easier to draw each place once instead#except for cgs which would involve more angles#also thinking of having scene-specific sprites for when the characters are moving around the room#like theres a scene where ayda is changing and iddir goes to stand at the window#itd make sense to hide his sprite and to have a visual of him elsewhere in the room for that#also id need a bunch of copies of the sprites for placing the characters differently#like having them face a different way etc. so i can make the sprites look good in various dialogue dispositions#it is lucky that all my main designs are basically symmetrical..#id just have to switch around the buttoning on the jackets but otherwise i can just mirror them lol
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jumping from fandom to fandom rn augh
anyways, a late announcement, but im taking a break LMAO
college is coming close and idk if im gonna be nervous or excited
#it's mostly bc of my crushes.... my fictional crushes#i still like tomura ofc but my interest in d3mon slayer skyrocketed recently and......... kokushibo........#GODDDDDDD AUGHDHHEUDH#i want him SMOOCHED i want him SMOTHERED IN KISSES RIGHT THIS SECOND#i prommy ill make art someday but im literally just taking a break :P#i have art idea but like. i dont wanna rush myself yknow#art commissions are still gonna be somthin im considering. especially since i still have. like. two months free from classes#plus i wan monee :P#but the thing is im too overflowing w anxiety to ask ppl about it outright so imma rely on stuff online as my guide instead lol
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moments like this when im really glad im a sad little cynic who always considers the worst possible outcome and never lets herself truly get comfortable and trust the good things in her life to stay there and builds her life around trying to soften the blows of the eventual disappointments just waiting around the corner lol never leaving my edgy teenager era peace and love
#i mean if the alternative is whatever the fuck is going on with my best friend rn then hooooo boy#cancelling therapy immediately i never want to change i wanna keep my trust issues forever and ever if its gonna save me from THIS#is he a dick? kinda. yeah. and a coward because if dude was sure he didnt want it since AUGUST and didnt have the guts to end it till now#actually he didnt end it. she was the one who finally snapped. but we seriously fought twice before because she just woudlnt listen#when i said that girl this isnt gonna work and you trust him too much and you're attachment styles are incompatible as hell#your*#but nvm. the least you could do when a 7 years younger girl who's clearly obsessed with you is breaking up with you#cause she just cant take it anymore. and you can see she's still in love with you because you've been lying to her for half a year.#imo the least you could do at that point is just. dont tell her that jfc. just say you're sorry it didnt work out etc etc#dont fucking tell her you stopped being in love with her in fucking august#and just 'didnt know how to end it' and lied when she asked if everything's alright#like my god. yes ig this would never have happened if she hadn't trusted him so completely and expected love to fix her whole life#but jesus dude. she's not even 23 she has a right to be naive. you're almost 30. you DONT get to be a man child anymore#christ. okay.#anyway i wish i could help her but telling her to 'trust less' and 'never truly rely on other people' sounds horrible and cringe and edgy af#but i genuinely dont have any other advice#like babygirl im sorry but your bestie is a piece of human garbage and she's doing the best she can but her best is Not Much alas
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hhh found some photos of old disney trips from several years back and it just made me really sad that the parks are nothing like what they were back then anymore. i still feel like it was probably best in the 90s and early 2000s (from what i've seen in videos documenting that time frame, and from the few trips my fam went on as well), but i ended up visiting more often in the 2010s and i still really enjoyed it;;
i miss walking around and just drinking in the atmosphere and theming honestly. sucks that its a mess now and you're paying so dang much for lackluster quality and there's no room for spontaneous flexibility within your visit because of the stupid genie+ app and insane wait times for Everything. the fact that there's no real "off season" anymore because it's Always Busy is a terrible reality as well. *sigh*
#nothing compares to the atmosphere of the disney parks and thats what makes it so sad that it's changed a lot#i've also heard that cleanliness has degraded a lot as well#which isn't . good.#never been big on most universal IPs#so that park never interested me cuz i have no attachment to anything offered within it#but i have been a few times since i stopped going to disney and i did enjoy it; mostly just the islands of adventure#but even still i do miss wandering around epcot and animal kingdom the most :'c#universal doesn't really come close to that but hopefully the new epic universe will prove to be better than where disney's at now#anyway . i just got hit with a wave of nostalgia for a time that can't ever be replicated again i guess#i'm glad i could enjoy those trips while i could tho#spectre says#(not letting anyone reblog this because i dont want to accidentally start any Discourse lol)#OK WAIT CORRECTION.#universal's portofino hotel is absolutely GORGEOUS and i genuinely loved it so so much#and volcano bay was really fun and immersive too; mega props to them for that one#so universal does have some offerings that i really liked!!!#but as a whole i just like some of the theming of the disney parks better; mostly the stuff that doesn't rely on existing IP
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