#since 4 fucking pm
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i have had one of the mentally worst days i’ve had in a while and still made dinner for everyone and am managing to study for an exam in between bouts of crying and having mini-breakdowns. meanwhile my roommates went rock climbing and now they’re too tired to do the dishes.
#i’m gonna be physically fucking violent#oh wahhhhhhhh poor youuuuuuuuuu#i’ve been fighting for my fucking life to not just spiral out of control and give up on everything#and i STILL made y’all dinner and am staying up studying even tho i’ve wanted to just go to sleep and end the day#since 4 fucking pm#i don’t think they even ate the food i made.#i WAS going to text them and be like. y’all. i can’t make dinner tonight it’s an emergency fend-for-yourself night#but i didn’t. because i pulled myself together enough to spend an hour doing that#which translates to an extra hour i’ll have to stay up studying#but i did it anyway. bc it was my responsibility and i figured they’d need it after having school and work today#and then they just didn’t eat it 😁 or do the Two Pans of dishes. that’s it#two pans. not even 5 minutes of effort#and ohhhh they’re sooooo tired after rock climbingggg they’ll just do it tomorrow instead#and watch. they won’t do it tomorrow. it’ll still be piled on the stove when i go to cook dinner again tomorrow#fuck off. just fuck straight off#and one of them had the nerve to call *me* the self-entitled bitch a few weeks ago#HUH! W E I R D!
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my muse
#my art#cersei lannister#asoiaf#valyrianscrolls#heyyyy been a while since i grabbed my drawing tablet. wanted to wind down 4 a bit#i also upgraded to rebelle pro. i missed nanopixels so fucking much#we're so fucking back#inspired by maria felix btw#this is messy bc it was just like#a warmup piece hehe. big things coming <- said by a person whose bedtime lately has been an average of like 10 pm
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free day / the moon will sing
#serennedy week 2023#serennedy#luis serra#leon kennedy#resident evil 4#resident evil#starishsky draws#starishsky vid#hey what's up everyone it's 11 am and i'm queueing this for like. 5 pm#i haven't slept since 4 pm yesterday bc i was worried i wouldn't finish it on time + i wanted to be done with the video#i almost cried a little shading the last leon's hair. the art juice ran out right around then.#i'm going to hibernate for a week now.#(fun week btw. if the sw mods are reading these tags. probably not though.)#thank god i don't have any strong feelings abt any other ships bc this and chreon week took me the fuck OUT#i'll probably post some of the still images later
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my class schedule where I have to wake up at 7 to get to an 8:30 class and then go home and kill 6 hours before having to return to school for a 4 pm class is already killing me. class schedule designed specifically to torment me
#chatter#normally i don't take classes that early or that late but i had no choice bc i need both of these classes to graduate this year#annoying as fuck honestly i'm at my most productive 10 am to 4 pm so basically the entire range of time when i am not in class. great#at least it's only on mondays and wednesdays since i'm technically part time this semester
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WAIT!!! I just remembered something. Core memory unlocked but like-- slightly bad one. Is there long lasting damage to the stomach from being starved for long periods of time? I think my stomach got fucked cuz of that actually.
#aria rants#i was just listening to music and then sudden thought occurred to me like: ''whoa... wait a minute-- is my fucked up stomach a result#of the consequences of my actions in the past?'' it isnt as bad as it sounds-- i think-- but basically when i was still going to school#i REALLY DESPISED the school bathrooms. id go during the first year in elementary and HATED IT A LOT ever since so to make sure#i Very Rarely or Not Ever use it at all. id rarely eat. cuz my logic during then is: dont eat = dont need to drink water = no bathroom use#it was alright during elementary cuz school only lasted until 12 pm during then so i get to eat properly still (eat breakfast at home)#but it got worse during junior high. cuz id be going home in the afternoon around 3 pm? 4 pm? smth and yet-- i still continued to not eat#id eat only breakfast at home before going to school and never again unless i got Really hungry that id eat some snacks and proceed#to not drink anything at all. that continued on until senior high but its less bad cuz the bathroom in that school was Way Better#it was cleaner and less dirty so i didnt mind that one but i still refused to go anyway so id still rarely eat and drink#my mom would be packing foods for me to eat at school as a just in case i would eat em but i still didnt so id just eat those at home#the consequences of my actions haunts me even though years had gone by...
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bedtime
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the founder of edgenunity can suck my big fat 11" cock
#hamilducktrash#OMG DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE#that bitch is 65#i dont believe in calling a woman a bitch#but her bitchass can fucking suck my dick#i hate her ass#ive been doing edgenunity for 6 hours#since 4 pm#and i still have to do 2 more hours more#but the work is due at midnight#honestly#idgaf about some of the work. ill js get most of it done#anyways high school is going great. if you cant tell#also im joking#but im js so tired#edgenuity#suck my fucking dick#i hate high school
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Killing murdering screaming waiting for my cousin to text me back whether or not he can drive me to the airport tomorrow or if I have to order a taxi WHICH NONE OF THE TAXIS ARE OKAY WITH LESS THE 24 HR NOTICE THIS IS FINE IM FINE IM NOT GONNA PUKE. look I'm gonna call em ANYWAYS to see if I can get one if he can't but please. Please. Just put me out of my fucking misery
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#this whole trips been a fucking blood bath of anxiety#booked trip w auntie going up and then that gets cancelled. THEN we organize for tuesday.#then i get a email late sat being like youre not actually on the flight sorry uwu#and so i have to get upisland my self which involves a 4 hr b#bus ride and staying over at my cousins/aunts now since i cant get up w my aunt. and i need to now figure out how to get to the damn fucking#plane but im not getting answers from ky cousins whose OUT and my aunt isnt here EITHER#and ive also not heard back if ive got a ride for up the rivee#im not fine about this#its an earlier plane too fuck this shit#its almost 10 pm now please
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There's this nearly 4 hour movie I've been meaning to watch for a while and I was like "ah maybe ill watch it tonight hehe 🥰" and then I remember...quali is at 9 🫠
#i actually despise abu dhabi being the seaosn closer ngl#basically since Japan the race time has suited my timezone pretty well#1 am. 1 pm. 3 pm. 4 pm. 12 pm. 1 am.#<- like look at that. look at they absolutely delicious schedule#every race for the past 2 months has been at an ideal time and ive really settled into it#wow you mean i can sleep in on weekends and actually wnjoy the schedule!? oh boy!#and then they put fucking ad at the end which is at 8 am. who wants to wake up that early on a sunday#it would be fine if it was earlier in the season bcs during the middle i got pretty used to waking up before 9 bcs all the European races#but to have this one at thw end is literally horrible#its really down to timezones but fuck it really does bother me#bcs wow youve made me have zero desire to watch the season closer! thanks!!#id sooooo much rather brazil be the season closer still#like whh do you have to completely switch timezones right at the very end. its terrible#i think ill do waht i did last season and take a bit of a nap beforehand#it makes it much worse that this on a holiday wknd too. yeah bcs i rly wanna spend the last two days of my break waking up in the morning#sry im being ultra salty rn but i really dont wanna wake up for it but i hate missing race events UGHHHHHH#last yr i literally fell asleep during the first lap of AD 😭#yeah im concerned abt if nando will retain p4 or not but...waking up before 8 am...??#yeah idk i just rly dislike this scheduling#i actually kinda like AD as a track but its position in the season makes me resent it#catie.rambling.txt
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#the sun went down at 4 pm and I am once again having an existential crisis#I went to a bookstore and saw stupid romance book covers and started thinking about how I’m probably gonna ‘die alone’#whatever the fuck that means#I don’t KNOW okay I don’t know if I’m aromantic or just too traumatized and avoidant to be capable of intimacy. but I have no friends and#I’m lonely as fuck#and I don’t want to date but I want someone to be committed to me and I want someone to fuck but I don’t trust people and I#am pretty sure if I fucked someone I would burst into tears bc of how long its been since I’ve been touched#I want a family. like that is one thing I know for sure I don’t know exactly what that even means or looks like#but I want a FAMILY. and not the one I was born with#I don’t mean kids I mwan commitment and fucking. People#and the universe is not on my fucking side girl. she’s not I don’t care what you say#I thought I had a found family in college and look where that is now. dust#and I’m 25 years old#and I’m missing so many milestones#and maybe it doesn’t matter maybe dating and fucking do not give you worth yeah yeah okay#but this is not the life I thought I would have at this age. and I feel like I should be entitled to grieve that#not like I want to. I want to be normal and I want to be over it.#to be perfectly fucking honest. I wish I could wake up tomorrow#and fall in love with someone and have a boring normal happily ever after.#I wish I could be the person who’s capable of that and I know that’s a naive and childish and unwoke desire to have#but I’m just being so real with you chief. I do not know how to live in this world being who I am.#and I don’t want to fucking be alone.#not because it makes me less worthy but because I’m just fucking sick of being lonely. okay.#anyway. I’m probably deleting this#p
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how am i expected to have hobbies when there is homework
#im sorry i cannot with this#girl i get home at like 5:00 every day since school lets out at 4:05 and the buses are always late as hell#and! it does not help that i am the last stop#i cannot be expected to bave a hobby when by the time i finish things like dinner and shower and homework#it is like. 9:00.#and thats without accounting for time to study!! like!!#i should not have to wait till like 10 fucking pm to actually do something i enjoy sorry#lmao. anyway thats sort of why ive been posting less art </3#but im also like barely keeping up with reading rn as well#i simply cannot focus on my silly little books when im about to collapse with exhaustion
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Im all better i think i was just greasy
#in denial about how bad his problems are ^#inthrum bickerman#system babbles#positive#vent#ok to rb#i showered and now im not ill#i dissociated real fucking bad for like 7 hours tho maybe more. like actually no now im looking at the time aint no WAY its 5 am nearly#what the fuck this has been going on since about 4 to 5 pm. its been like 12 hours not 7#holy shit why was i so messed up oh my god? im not like. great now but im BETTER. FUCK. I GOT SO BAD.#and suddenly was fine? what happened. it wasnt socialization bc i went back and forth with no affect#food didnt contribute. didnt THINK the shower did considering i was fucked up during it but like. right afterwards. idk.#wierd. im gonna be in denial about this#memory issues#dissociative disorder#im really. really struggling lately idk whats wrong with me#ptsd
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ig one sleepless night bc of the heat was bound to happen :)
#Perception of 85 degrees at 4 in the morning. fuck this heat wave this is insane#ive been lying here wide awake since 11 pm#giulia.txt
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god i fucking hate group projects
#this project is due at midnight tonight#and I still don't have the footage i need from one member#girl i still need to edit the video together#i cannot wait forever for you#getting closer and closer to just using my placeholder in the submission#and maybe adding an extra part saying she didn't turn in her fucking footage#I've had everyone else footage since 4:00#and it is currently NINE FUCKING PM#GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER
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I NEED to start being creative in public again the same way I was in grade school.
#I also need to start taking my fucking meds again#hopefully this mtn dew will tide me over for now since I don't wanna take prescription stimulants at uhhhhh 4 PM
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i'm so mad that arthur and roxanna interact like 3 times in the entire show.
#(so far! fingers crossed. maybe the final episode is mostly them just gossiping over crudite as is their right while graham solves the plot#every other member of the main 4 (the quatrefoil if you're a nerd like me who thinks s1e7 is one of the best episodes of the show)#has a real relationship with everyone else and actual interactions. but not those two!!!#it used to make sense since arthur was under parke-mason but ever since they fucking disappeared that hasn't been a thing#actually wait a minute. i've always assumed pm just dropped arthur's account after getting investigated by the FBI but i don't think that#was ever explicitly communicated. like that's just me inferencing. did no one think to ask that.#the art of more
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