#I don’t KNOW okay I don’t know if I’m aromantic or just too traumatized and avoidant to be capable of intimacy. but I have no friends and

[thriftdyke]

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[hazel-da-basil-deactivated]

Hazel Muses about dead peoples romantic/sexual lives and if they were queer or not.

So Like trying to put labels on people isn’t the best. But I’m trying to figure out this whole Sylvia Fine Danny Kaye thing and its like historical curiosity I guess. Like in the time and place they lived you couldn’t really talk about these things and knowledge of them sometimes just wasn’t there.

Like looking at Danny Kaye, traumatized youth who became a funny guy to survive. just pretty normal human stuff. But also learning to dance in like 6 months for a movie, becoming the top non-asian chinese chef, learning to pilot planes, learning to conduct despite not being able to read music, able to replicate accents well enough that native speakers would be really confused they couldn’t understand the utter nonsense he was saying with the accent, etc. This seems to me like he was probably autistic. Not that uh thats what I’m getting at. just a tangent.

So Danny was married to a woman named Sylvia Fine. And this seems to have been primarily a business/friend relationship. They did have a child, but only one. Danny was known to cheat on Sylvia, but I wonder if it was actually cheating, because really from what I can tell Sylvia seemed mostly okay with it. Other than a long affair Danny had with Eve Arden early in their relationship anyway.

So I’m kind of wondering if they were polyam or at least open in their relationships. I’ve seen no mention of affairs on Sylvia’s side. This could be because she was more discrete than Danny, or because she didn’t have them, or just because I have so little info.

From descriptions of her I at first felt, was she a lesbian? But the more I think about this I kinda feel like she was ace. Like she just wasn’t really interested with Sex, but since Danny was she let him go out and have sex. I’m not sure the two even had a strong romantic attachment. I’ve seen stuff that says they didn’t here. And descriptions kind of make me feel like Danny was aromantic/demi romantic. And maybe Sylvia was as well. Like they had a light romantic connection, a strong bond that many people wouldn’t necessarily recognize as romantic.

But I have no way to know really. They’re both dead. I can’t ask them. They’re daughter is still alive, but how aware are most children of their parents sexual/romantic lives?

This could also just be me just not wanting Danny being some Philanderer who was constantly Breaking Sophie’s heart and torturing her over their long marriage.

Anyway I feel like they were a queer couple. And looking at all this old music, you just see so many examples of queer people, that we just pretend weren’t. And because we pretend they weren’t the fact that they were gets lost to history, so that later generations don’t realize they were. So it seems like queer history is empty. It always looks empty.

But we know a lot of these people were queer. I don’t mean like by analyzing and wondering like I’m doing here. We know that one of the Andrews sisters was queer. Her long time partner has talked about it. Billie Holiday was bi apparently. It wasn’t even really a secret at the time. Not to people who knew her at least. But this history is hidden. Sure today it’s not too hard to find if you go to look for it. Details perhaps are lacking, but I don’t need to know the names of Billie Holidays various lovers. It’s just so strange that all of this is shoved back and hidden in the depths of a dusty old broom cupboard. Like queer people have always existed. People that you love, whose voices have moved you, whose acting has brought a smile to your face are queer. But you can’t love that part of them? You have to hide it and pretend it doesn’t exist? How can you love queen’s music, and not acknowledge that you love a queer person? You pretend that Freddie Mercury wasn’t bi when you listen to it. Most of you think he was gay, but you know he was queer. But you pretend that he wasn’t when you listen to his music. You hate queer people, oh but that Freddie Mercury you love his music. How? I just don’t understand how you can love someone like that, but hate such an integral part of them.

How are people homophobic, when they love so many homos?

[redley-of-many-noodles]

Let me start this by saying that I fully support aspec individuals as members of the queer community. They have consistently been unfairly punished for our own inability to think of relationships beyond romantic or sexual contexts. I cannot claim to understand what it’s like to be asexual, aromantic, or anything else. I’m just another allo transfem who just wants to find a person to cuddle and hug and kiss and whisper sweet nothings to in bed.

Let me also say that I’m sure that you’ve been through a great deal of shit due to our poor understanding of aspecs, OP.

And know that I direct what I am about to say not at your asexuality or aromanticism or your identity — but directly at YOU, OP, and everyone else who says shit this dumb. (Or maybe I’m the dumb one; I’ll find out soon.)

Fuck. You.

Like, why can’t we just appreciate the art? Or is the character being drawn “attractive” all that draws you to it?

Bitch, how DARE you assume that just because I think someone’s OCs are attractive I can’t APPRECIATE THE ART. And YES, I read OP’s pinned post so that I could insult them in the correct gender. In fact, Imagi actually seems like a pretty cool person! But they can still SHOVE THIS POST UP THEIR ASS REGARDLESS.

I get that it may seem like we make everything about love and sex. I get that so many of us just don’t know how to think outside of those boxes. Believe me, if nothing else, I GET that humans are dumb little shits.

But we don’t.

Not everything is about love or sex to us.

We can stop to smell the flowers for no better reason than they smell nice. Same as you.

We can stop to watch a sunset simply because the colors are pretty. Same as you.

We can listen to the sound of rain on our windows for no other reason than because it’s relaxing.

Same as you.

We can look at a piece of art and see that it is beautiful.

Same. As. You.

I have seen so many aro/ace posts like this recently. And don’t mistake me, I love you little shits! But why, WHY do you do this? Allos are still human beings that go through life just like you. We’re not manic sex-cult fiends that can only ever think about love and sex. Allos are normal and valid. Aspecs are normal and valid. ALL OF US ARE VALID. OKAY?!

I keep forgetting allos exist.

Do you? Do you really?

Then why do I see so many aspecs needing to constantly repeat that?

I’ve seen SO MUCH shit like this on my dash from other aspecs who — like the OP here — seem really cool as people! Which, in fairness to Imagi, their post was only the final straw for me! Basically since I first got on Tumblr I’ve been seeing these things. So I APOLOGISE FOR THE YELLING OP, IT’S NOT JUST YOU I’M MAD AT, BUT I AM PISSED OFF AND TOO DAMN SLEEP DEPRIVED TO FILTER MYSELF PROPERLY.

I am SO SORRY that so many people like me have treated you like GARBAGE and left you traumatized, when they should have been the ones there to SUPPORT YOU AND GO TO BAT FOR YOU. But I see so much shit about “i dont understand why allos x” or “did you guys know that allos y” or “i forgot allos existed!!!” AND IT PISSES ME OFF. IT PISSES ME OFF THAT SO MANY OF YOU SEEM TO JUST HATE ALLOS NOW. WE FAILED YOU, I KNOW. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OF US THAT ARE NOT THOSE PEOPLE. THERE ARE SO MANY OF US WHO THINK YOU’RE AMAZING AND WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU. THERE ARE SO MANY OF US WHO ARE NOT BIGOTS, I SWEAR ON MY NAME.

I’m probably way out of line and being incredibly offensive, but I reiterate, I have no sleep and I must scream. In case I didn’t realize I was accidentally being wildly aphobic at 3 am when i typed this i wont tag it with anything but trigger warnings. But just… listen.

I cannot scroll through aspec tags without seeing casual condescension like this, or veiled slights at the intelligence and/or emotional range of allos. Yeah, I know, we’re a bunch of pigs who just can’t appreciate life for anything but love and sex. But please, for the love of garlic bread, hate the bigots, not the allos. Or better yet? Don’t hate. If your heart is strong enough for it, just don’t hate anyone. It causes so many problems.

Part of me suspects it’s mainly the more love/sex-repulsed aspecs who actually do any of the stuff I was talking about, but I stand by my point. I don’t want to be made to feel inferior because of my tendency to feel horny. I want to be an actual community with you, like we were supposed to be. I want to see you set aside your anger for joy. I want us to march together in the streets and be proud. I don’t want to alienate you or hurt you. I just want to be friends with you.

So fuck you.

Fuck you for dismissing me out of hand.

Fuck you for making me cry angry tears at 3 AM.

Fuck those of you who are immediately going to tell me to cry harder now that I’ve said that.

Fuck you for making me feel like the weird one for feeling these attractions. We’re both weird, asshole. That’s the point.

Imagi, I feel like I stopped addressing you and started addressing aspecs in general a while ago. But I’m sorry for going on an angry tirade on one of your posts and possibly triggering you as a result. And fuck you for implying that allos can’t actually appreciate art, even if the rational side of my brain says it was probably unintentional.

I will not take it personally if your or anyone else decides to block me after reading this. I know damn well I shouldn’t be writing angry, especially while already sleep deprived, but I can’t help myself.

But what I ultimately want to say and could’ve said much sooner is:

Please stop “forgetting” allos exist.

Please stop loudly wondering how our brains work.

Please don’t shun us all for the actions of those who didn’t try to understand you.

I think I’ve written it all out of my system. I don’t really know what else to say. Just… I don’t want to be belittled for being allo anymore than you all want to be shunned for being aro/ace. Okay?

I look at art and go "Aww! That's so pretty! How you drew the characters is cool!"

Then I get confused when people go "Hot!!"

I keep forgetting allos exist.

Like, can't we just appreciate the art? Or is the character being drawn "attractive" all that draws you to it?

Yes, I can agree that a character and/or the artstyle can make a character...attractive? Like I want to crawl into the picture and hug the character, maybe give them a kiss on the cheek.

But, really?

"Hot?"

It baffles me beyond belief.

[fandomele]

hello, want me to write a thesis on how sexless love is seen just as terribly as loveless sex, from an aroace person who knows both as seen as pure horrors by most? watch out for comments about aphobia, whether it’s arophobia or acephobia

I saw a post that I didn’t want to derail with complaints, that was talking about how sex without love is demonized unfairly (agreed!) and it goes against aromantic people in particular who are accused of using people for sex and that comes from a sex-negative place (I agree but it also comes from sexism, from wanting to control other people’s lives, from amatonormativity)  

but it also said that, and I’m paraphrasing, it’s not like the opposite, romance without sex is accepted  

and just... no? Unless it’s a temporary state in which the two are ‘pure’ and waiting for the right moment? If anything romance without sex can be equally unacceptable to society. In fact there are some rare cases when someone being ‘single for life’, usually a man, becomes an admirable quirky special person who isn’t ‘into romance’**, there is basically no case in which someone who has a stable romantic partner and admits there is no sex involved isn’t met with horror, pity, judgement, suggestions on how to fix it, as well as having their partner be told: it’s not real, you are both sick for accepting it, you are being cheated on, you are being mistreated and must leave the other person.  ( **Note that this is only acceptable if he doesn’t admit he never feels romantic attraction unless he’s like a tv genius who says he’s just too focused on his passions. But even then there is some eye twitching because YOU WILL, it’s part of being human! It has to be a phase and then it’s okay.)

Unless you talk to people who are very well-versed in lgbtqia+ matters, of course, then you may get a ‘cool’. 

(Though honestly I’ve found in my experience many lgbt people will say ‘aww cute’ if there is sexless love because it sorta proves how much a couple is in love if they are willing to be together without it, and hate the idea of loveless sex if the loveless part is permanent, while many straight people will accept loveless sex but despise sexless love. I could write some hypothesis about it, connected to how lgbt people go through some awful sexual experiences before figuring out their sexuality that they are told they didn’t have to go through, and inability to love the person you are having sex with in a romantic way is a reminder of those?, while straight people and especially straight women who have awful sex encounters are told that’s just life, sex is fundamental and that’s how it happens, and if it’s missing then there is no love, so maybe that’s why sexless relationships are seen as a crime. It also probably comes from instinctively infantilizing too much the people who don’t want sex but want love, and criminalizing the ones who don’t want love but want sex, also due to media’s influence: the villains, the monsters, can’t love, the traumatized and the innocent souls like children can’t have sex. Nothing good in these stereotype either. Because we go back to the fact that yes, you are seen as evil for not wanting love, but unless you are a literal child you must either be very mentally ill to not want sex or be equally evil because you owe it, or not in love because love is sex too) Normally, people in general without particular lgbt knowledge will just hate both concepts: loveless sex and sexless love. You must be able to fall in love and eventually fall in love, and you must have a ‘moderate’ amount of sex with multiple partners and then find the one person for you. That’s society’s standard for human interaction. And don’t tell me that society wants you to stay a virgin, society TELLS you that’s what society wants while simultaneously telling you there is something wrong with you for not having had sex by age 16. Earlier in my country, maybe a bit later in the US, I don’t know. And society sure as hell doesn’t want anyone to be a virgin after marriage. Society wants you to have sex while feeling more or less ashamed about it depending on your gender, while also desperately looking for love especially in your sexual partners, because you must want both.    

now obviously sexism plays a part in the sex-shaming people going after aromantic who dare to have a sexual life, if a woman loves sex and has a lot of it is going to be shamed for it way more than a man, though both women and men can be ‘allowed’ to have some no-strings attached flings as long as they make clear that they want to eventually have romantic love, and after all women and men will both be told that eventually they’ll settle down even if they just said they don’t want to have a relationship. Like, you can have a loveless life but don’t tell anyone you don’t feel romantic attraction, how dare you? Even as a man, there must be something wrong with you. Suddenly even the people who were just looking for some fun have been robbed of your potential ability to fall in love with them and have been hurt. Even if they didn’t want it either. Ah well. It’s not good, if you are aro you go through a LOT of pain, I’d know, I’m aroace, and people will tell you that love makes you human, and that you will find someone no matter what, you must want it and accept it in your life, and maybe you are a bad person for having perfectly consensual sex with people who agree that no feelings should be involved, because this is meant to be a ‘phase’ but ultimately you must want love and if you don’t, then you are using people, and all other bullshit that we are told even though we are all adults in the equation 

so don’t get me wrong: not feeling romantic attraction, not wanting to have romantic love in your life, is still seen as horrible, is still going to be met with hate, especially if you want to have sex with people, even if those people know it’s a no feels type of thing, and you are expected to eventually be in love and married especially if you are a woman (but men go through pressure too)

HOWEVER

don’t tell me that on the other hand romance without sex is acceptable, because people will question your sanity and humanity and will tell you that you will have to have sex with your partner whether you like it or not. Otherwise it’s not real. Otherwise you are depriving him/her. If you are a man and don’t want sex, obviously there is something wrong with you, ‘all men want sex’, and your partner may feel the same way. If you are a woman and don’t want sex... well, maybe that’s part of being a woman but still, not really your choice, you have to do it whether you like it or not, and again your partner may feel the same wat. Your romance without sex is not valid in the eyes of anyone except other asexual people and very few other people who know about this orientation and accepted it. By law, at least in Italy but I bet I can find similar things in the US, your marriage without sex can be not only made null, but also terminated with you being found ‘at fault’ with all the consequences of it including not being allowed to ask for anything from your ex partner no matter your situation, just as if the divorce happens over cheating or abusing your partner.  If for any reason you disclose you are asexual, which most people will have never heard about, unless you are still willing to have sex you are going to be told you have to be cured. It’s not normal. It’s selfish, it’s evil. You are meant to love the person you are with, right? So how can you not give it to them? 

Now, you don’t have to tell people you don’t feel romantic attraction or that you don’t feel sexual attraction unless they are people you are getting into a relationship with who should also be able to consent to a loveless/sexless encounter/relationship, but if you get out of the closet it’s game over for the both of you. And yes, as tumblr always reminds us, ace people can have sex, but this is about romance without sex so we are talking about those like me who will never have it. Because somehow we went from people needing to be told that asexuality isn’t about behavior but about attraction therefore ace people are free to have sex if they want to to people now expecting ace people to be able to do it and needing to be reminded that some people don’t want to, ever.

Final statement just so we are clear: the whole thing is bullshit: aromantic people having sex are doing exactly what straight people do when having casual sex. Aromantic people entering in relationship that involve consensual adults aren’t hurting anyone. Romantic love doesn’t make you human. If someone wants a romantic relationship with you and you don’t, you aren’t personally abusing them, whether you are aromantic or simply don’t like them, and the only thing I can suggest is that if there is any doubt it has to be discussed first so the other person knows what’s getting into. If they can’t handle it, they shouldn’t. That’s all. Consent is part of every type of relationship after all.

Asexual people wanting a relationship without sex aren’t depriving their partners of shit, and there consent applies too: the partner has consented to be in a relationship without sex therefore they are fine. If they change their mind it’s hurtful but that’s also their problem, you can’t force yourself to have sex if it repulses you, so it may be a deal breaker but nobody is at fault there and especially not the person who states their boundaries. Asexual people are just as human, sex doesn’t make you human either. 

Both face discrimination, of different kinds, from lgbt and straight people alike, and it would be impossible determine who has it worse and what’s worse, also because the ‘stay in the closet, then’ has never been a solution for anyone ever. Society doesn’t accept sexless love and loveless sex, not if they are permanent. Society can go to hell. 

[novoaa1writes]

everything

pairing(s): yelena belova x reader summary: yelena says “i love you” for the first time. just fluff, really. oh, and a bit of protective!yelena. 

word count: ~700

rating: teen

warnings: brief mention of yelena’s canonical traumatic childhood/adolescence, but beyond that... none? i think?

notes: idk just needed a break from other stuff.. my harlivy wip and the series i’ve been working on lately where everything be long asf. also yelena can get it so

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edit: this was written before it was brought to my attention that yelena is canonically asexual (and arguably aromantic). i will not be writing any other yelena fics which feature her in a non-platonic dynamic for the time being. please feel free to private message me if you have any questions, or wish to shed some light on this discourse!

— —

“I don’t want to go,” Yelena tells you, lips pushed out to form an adorable pout. 

Petulance rolls off of her in waves. You’re sure that if you weren’t currently in her lap right now, she’d have her arms crossed like a sullen kid who didn’t get their way. 

“And I told you, that’s okay,” you reassure her, tucking a stray lock of dirty-blonde hair behind her ear and reveling in how she doesn’t flinch away from the contact. It’s taken you the better part of a year to get to this place—this place where you can reach out and touch and she’s not thinking about Russia or the other dancers or about how touching only ever used to mean violence where she was concerned. “You don’t have to come with me. I’d never ask you to do something you didn’t want to do.”

“But you’re still going.” It’s not a question. 

You shrug, tracing a mindless pattern along the nape of Yelena’s neck to soothe her. “I promised Ellie I’d swing by, even if only for a bit.” 

She knows this, and you know she knows this; you’d spoken about it earlier this week. 

Still, you’re more than content to indulge playing out the same conversation a hundred times over if it’ll give Yelena some peace of mind. 

“I don’t want you going alone,” Yelena says firmly. “It’s too dangerous.”

“I won’t be alone,” you assure her. “Ellie will be there.”

“Ellie once took ketamine before going on a Tinner date.”

“Tinder,” you correct her gently, though you can’t help the way your lips tug into a fond grin at Yelena’s recollection. You remember telling her about it, but it was late and she was half-asleep and about a minute after you finished your story, she started snoring. 

“Whatever,” Yelena grumbles, pale cheeks tinged with pink, her accent a little heavier than it was before now that you’ve flustered her. “My point is, she’s unreliable, and I don’t trust her to keep you safe.”

“You worry too much,” you tell her honestly, even if you know it won’t make a difference. 

“I’m going with you.”

Wait. What? That part was not on the script. 

You raise your brows, searching her for a hint of insincerity. “Baby, you hate parties.”

“I do,” she agrees, her features a mask of hardened resolve. “But I hate not knowing if you’re okay a lot more.”

Warmth blooms in your chest at her admission. “Yelena…” you trail off, brow creased with worry. “I don’t want you to come with me just because you think you have to, and then end up having a terrible time.” You tilt your jaw up to place a feather-light kiss on her nose. “You hate parties,” you repeat once more, your voice scarcely above a whisper. 

“I hate parties,” Yelena concedes. “But I love you.”

And God, but the look in her eyes is just so damn warm and affectionate and raw, your heart feels like bursting through your chest. You almost miss the fact that she’s never said—

Wait. Did she just say she loved me?

“Wait. Did you just say you love me?” Smooth.

Yelena swallows thickly, jaw tightly clenched, her eyes never leaving yours. “Yes,” she says softly. “Is… Is that alright?”

You want to say ‘Yes.’ You want to say ‘That’s more than alright.’ You want to say ‘I love you, too, Yelena. So, so much.’ 

But the words don’t come. For the very first time in your entire life, you’re at a loss—well and truly speechless. 

All you can manage is a frantic nod before crashing your lips into hers, bruising yourself with a kiss that’s open-mouthed and messy, fumbling and desperate in every way. 

You think you groan or maybe she does, but it’s muffled and her mouth is so warm and the slow drag of her tongue against your own is fucking glorious, and… Fuck. 

You’ve never been the best with words, but right now, you don’t have to be. Right now, the way she’s kissing you—like you’re oxygen and she’s desperate to breathe—is everything.

ø ø ø ø ø

end notes: uhh i wrote this like a couple days ago and it’s just been sitting in my notes.. figured i’d post. also i made myself laugh writing the tinder part because i think i’m hilarious. also this one girl i know did in fact take ketamine before going on a tinder date and she ended up yakking all over the dudes d**k. <3 anyways—

link to masterlist

[echo-tries-writing]

okay, so i posted about the story i’m writing and asked if anyone wanted to hear about it, and a couple of people responded that they did which makes me so excited because i love talking about this!!!

i’ll just start talking about my characters because they are literally like my children

my very traumatized children

alright

https://picrew.me/secret_image_maker/TUpt5gokcYbd7w1d

the picrew i used^

-

The main characters:

Prince Morgan Fox Chamari (I made the picrews a while ago, so they might not be up to date, but it’ll do for now) (also they didn’t have that many option for make up and stuff, so i just drew on a lot of it)

He sounds like a snob but he’s really not

He’s 5’8, uses he/him, caucasian, pansexual, a leo (yes astrology is swag), he is way too nice for his own good, and trusts people way too easily (which might turn out to be a problem)

He has light brown, curly hair, green eyes, and he’s a prince, so probably like expensive clothing

Morgan does have magic, but I’m not really sure how it works yet, I only know that he kinda sucks at it at first, and he needs to find some kind of scepter to help him with it

Willow Ivy Stara

5’1, she/her, black, aromantic asexual, a virgo, also a nice person in general, but she’s not an idiot about it, you know? She is probably the one that keeps the single braincell of the team in place

Dark, coily hair, dark skin, brown eyes, the prettiest smile you’ll ever see, and she likes wearing dresses and flowers in her hair! She’s also a very gifted healer (maybe i’ll talk more about powers in my world later)(because she doesn’t just have healing, she can do damage too (basically the opposite of healing) which is really rare in my world, but it also strengthens her healing powers)

She joined the team because she ran away from her parents, because they were forcing her to marry another healer (cus she’s aroace right) (and the other healer is a gay man who she later finds out also ran away, and joined the villain!)

Raine Dayla-Jules

Probably the character I’ve put the most effort into, which also means she’s one of the characters who gets the most traumatized (love you Raine)

5’8, she/her, caucasian, lesbian, a leo, on the good side, but leaning towards morally grey, extreme trust issues, she is broke and homeless and a thief, says she is an orphan, but really just doesn’t want to get into her tragic backstory

Lots of blonde, curly hair, blue eyes, freckles, various scars all over her body (which she mostly gets through the story)

She had a normal childhood until she was six years old, when she was kidnapped (because of her powers, hydrokinesis and cryokinesis (is that what it is in english? idk, ice and water like a waterbender), she hasn’t seen her family after that (but she will at the end, I’m not that evil)

I mentioned enemies to lovers on the last post, and Raine is part of that<3

Ember Aurora Ilani

The villain with redemtion arc, because every story needs that, but believe it or not she’s actually a pretty good person, and she does what she thinks would be the best for everyone

5’6, she/her, asian, demisexual lesbian, a scorpio, she has pyrokinesis (again, hope that’s the right word), and that’s where the arson i talked about comes from, occasionally borrows that one braincell from Willow

Like, yes, she technically is a good person, but that will not stop her from setting a house on fire on purpose

Dark brown, long and straight/slightly wavy hair, hazel eyes, tan skin, terrible childhood of course

Like, ‘older brother dying in a fire that she accidently caused, parents hating her and abusing her because of it, running away at age 10, becoming best friends with the villain’ kind of terrible childhood

The other part of the enemies to lovers! (Don’t worry, it’s gonna be a slow-burn)(the burning part might be literal)(but it’s gonna be fine, we have lots of character development and no power imbalance, they both hurt and help each other)

Hawke Edavine

Typical badboy, poor but wholesome family, I might kill his dad though, because all of the main characters has all their parents intact

6’1 (I like that it’s a foot height difference between him and Willow), he/him, latino, straight (I guess they needed some rep too), a capricorn, probably nicer than he looks

Dark messy hair (like, think Percy Jackson), brown eyes, tan skin, bushy eyebrows, think about what a straight woman would find attractive in a man (what do straight women like? Flynn Rider? Think that, just younger)

Used to be best friends with Raine when they were like 11-14 years old maybe, but drama happened, they fell out, they will spend the first few chapter hating each other (also we all know and hate queerbating, so obviously I’m gonna straight-bait these two at first<3)

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i think that’s all i had for now, but there’s so much more

if you read all the way down here, congrats (and also thank you?? i care so much about this, i love when other people listen)

like, if you wanna hear about the villain (aka Morgans twin sister, princess Sienna Aurelia Chamari), or about these characters, or other characters, their families, pinterest board of their aesthetics (yes i made that too) and also im currently trying to make playlists too, just please lmk because i will serve

i didn’t even talk about their body types or disabilties or mental health issues or other quirks or favorite animals or pets either, but just know i have it all

i just love this, hope you do too!

[that-was-anticlimactic]

📂 hmmm let's see... how about Toph?

aw Toph Beifong, how I love you,

Okay. So. First:

Obviously, Toph can tell when people are lying, but much like how the gaang always forgets that she’s blind, they forget that she’s a living lie detector. After the war ends, the kiddos are all obviously traumatized and always ask each other how they’re doing and they usually always say “fine” and Toph can feel that they’re lying but she just... doesn’t do anything. Sometimes it’s obvious a person is lying, but sometimes they can really pull it off and Toph is the only one who knows. She just lets them be, though, because she would want to be left alone too. In her mind, if it was a big enough deal, they wouldn’t say that they’re fine (also because that’s the reasoning she gives herself to not talk about her problems). She doesn’t want to push them.

Eventually, and let’s use Aang here because poor kid suffers so much trauma and no one really talks about that much (myself included, I need to pay more attention to Aang), Aang’s mental health really starts declining and everyone is really worried but Toph always lets it go because she doesn’t want to push him or stress him out. One time, it’s so bad that they ask Toph to out Aang for lying and she just shrugs and says “he wasn’t lying” even though he definitely was.

After a week or two like this, Aang kind of just breaks down and Toph instantly feels guilty because deep down she feels like she could have prevented it, but she didn’t. It’s one of those times when she learns that letting people believe a lie, no matter how good intentions are, is worse and more hurtful than telling the truth.

It kind of starts making her more honest than before. She began by calling everyone out on every little lie until she realized it would probably be better to talk to people in private and I just... mmm... I feel like Toph wields so much power after the war because everyone will always say “I’m fine” and she knows, she knows, they’re lying.

And now for an angsty Toph-related headcanon because I said so:)

Toph’s parents. Mmmm. I have not read the comics and also I heard they were... iffy... so we’re disregarding comics here. Toph’s parents kind of suck. Like, once she talks to them after the war, they treat her like a helpless child again and not the LITERAL HERO she is. She doesn’t live with them, but she wants a relationship with them, even though she physically cannot make her say it out loud. So, eventually she blows up at them and Earthbends and her parents are like “okay, if you’re not a child, then start acting like an adult” and COMPLETELY misread the intention behind what Toph was saying. Ontop of that, they constantly complain about everything to her. Like trivial things. They complain about trivial things to a traumatized child (not to mention they did like nothing during the war smh, they just sat there and were rich). Like, they complain about each other to Toph say all of these things that she never wanted to hear ever and that no parents should actually burden their child with. Eventually she just... stops.

She just never answers letters, never returns to the city, much less the house. And it just... it kills her because she wanted to fix their relationship. She wanted to try and be a family again and she tried. She tried so hard but her parents never pit any effort in.

It was actually Zuko (or Azula...) who kind of made her realize. Like, I’m just gonna say: Sokka and Katara HATE Toph’s parents, like, with a burning passion. Toph offhandedly mentioned some of the terrible things her mom said about her dad and vice versa to the gaang and Katara was about to go give them the biggest lecture they had ever received. Katara lowkey got all mother hen (but sometimes Suki would have to drag her back and be like “you’re smothering her” so Toph wouldn’t feel like Katara was acting like her parents) (and again, Toph would never say it outloud, but she could never think of Katara in that way ever. She’s SUCH a better person than her parents could ever be) and would try and... not be the mother Toph never got to have, but give her the support she never had.

Anyways, Zuko or Azula talk to Toph and are like “take it from one abused child to another, your parents are abusing you” which just confirms the suspicions she had deep down but refused to believe. She was just filled with so much rage because it’s not fair and she was trying so hard but her parents really don’t care about her in the way that they should of and she gave them so many chances to be better but they never took it.

okay so, sadness over, let’s make Toph happy:)

Toph is asexual (and maybe aromantic, unsure as of right now) because I said so:))

Toph takes great pleasure in going to The Jasmine Dragon and just... listening to make sure no one is ever rude to Iroh or any of the other employees ever. If they are, she causes trouble so they can feel ashamed for being mean to people in food service.

no you know what? Am I going too overboard? Yes. Do I care? No. One friendship Toph headcanon for everyone in the gaang.

Aang: Toph and Aang both help remind the other that they’re children because they both forget sometimes. Toph is great at taking Aang away from work and making him take breaks and spend time for himself rather than others. Aang is great at giving Toph the “having friends as a child” experience she never had. He teaches her games he learned from all four nations as a child and sometimes they do really ‘childish’ things like playing bending tag or even like regular tag with each other just because it’s nice.

Katara: oooh the Toph and Katara friendship is one of my favorites in the show. The two are both ridiculously competitive. Like. Out of everyone in the gaang, they are the most competitive (let’s be real, Sokka is too petty and WE NEED TO FOLLOW THE GAMES RULES to be competitive and Zuko just gets angry and rage quits). But eventually, they learn that they’re stronger when they work together and make a competitive truce. So whenever people need to team up for games, they immediately go to each other and they destroy everyone.

Sokka: Sokka and Toph ahhhhh I love them so much. Sokka adopted Toph as his daughter-sister, as in he can’t choose whether he wants to replace her dad and be her dad or be the protective but not overly protective older brother she never had, so he calls himself “father-brother” and everyone hates it, but Sokka was never good at naming things. Also, one time they were really bored, so they decided to try and invent a language that is never spoken, but can be interpreted through Earthbending. Like, different methods of bending meant different things and stuff. It worked... kind of? Sokka likes learning and Toph likes kicking dirt and making people confused about what they were doing. They both have short attention spans, though, so they didn’t get far. They each still remember s=certain things and still talk through it (since Sokka is not an Earthbender, he taps his foot on the ground or kicks dirt a certain way. It’s kind of like morse code, bit different because only Toph can feel the taps).

Suki: Suki Suki Suki I love you! Suki is Toph’s go-to for fake relationships. Like. These two have been in a fake relationship with each other too many times to count. Toph’s parents invite her to a formal event but she needs to bring a date (and also she doesn’t want to go but she wants to repair the relationship)? Suki is her date. Suki needs to attend a royal event because she’s the highest Fire Nation palace guard (because I said so)? Toph comes as her date. A random person is hitting on either of them and they don’t know how to respond without unnecessary violence? Find the other and kiss their face.

Zuko: Zuko and Toph, what a pair. They both find beauty in nature (in different ways, obviously), so they’re walking buddies. They’ve gone on hikes together, like week-long hikes together. They’ll walk around the palace together... sometimes they’ll just sit together in silence because they don’t always need words to be friends.

Azula: (because yes, I am including the three girls): y’all. These two together can scare the entire world. Not just because they are actually insanely powerful, but because they make the most horrific self-deprecating jokes known to man and say it with intense seriousness that everyone has been genuinely worried at some point before they caught on (if it’s serious, they say it as a joke). One time, they both made these depressing jokes at lunch and Aang choked on his food. He didn’t die, but like. He was so unprepared that he choked. What I’m saying is, these two have a really weird relationship that takes place entirely through insults at each other, theirself, and everyone they love.

Ty Lee: Toph was actually scared of Ty Lee at first because of her chi blocking abilities. Not like terrified-scared, but like if you even take one more step towards me I will smash you with a boulder no matter your intentions-scared. Also, Ty Lee was so perky and kind of loud and Toph found that suspicious at first. It wasn’t like an Aang perky or loud, it was like... well, Toph couldn’t explain it (as in, I, op, cannot explain it), but it was a bit overwhelming? And then one time Ty Lee just. randomly visited her at her parents’ house even though they “weren’t friends” and Toph was just ????? but let her come in for dinner anyway because she kind of wanted to see how her parents would react to this peppy girl. Her parents ended up making a kind of snide remark at Toph’s expense during dinner (which was the usual but Toph didn’t realize it was a b u s e) and Ty Lee went off. That’s when Toph knew there were reasons to be terrified of this girl, but she would never be on the receiving end of her fury unless she really deserved it. They have very different family situations, but take pleasure in actually talking about it to each other. Because Ty Lee is a very open person and Toph is not. Toph thinks it’s nice to just let Ty Lee ramble on (kind of like Mai) and Ty Lee thinks Toph gives really good advice and has good insights (plus strives to help her feel more comfortable with her feelings). They become spontaneous buddies and randomly show up at each other’s houses when they’re living at home and it’s just nice.

Mai: last but never least, Mai and Toph! These two. feel for each other. so much. Rich kids, only children, parents who ignore them, ahhhhh, do you smell that? The repression of feelings:) Sometimes, they prefer to just be around each other because everyone else can kind of be overwhelming. They can communicate through few words and they both like throwing things, so they like sparring together a lot, It gives them a chance to throw things with another person who likes throwing things. For them, sparring is like this connection and it’s own method of loving each other (as friends do) and it’s just really nice for both of them.

Okay. I am done. Thank you, Grace, for fueling me.

I love Toph and I don’t give her enough attention.

[writing-with-olive]

A few tropes to avoid: LGBT addition

Note that this is not a complete list, but rather some tropes that I tend to see a lot that are tiring if not downright offensive and hurtful. This turned out to be a very long post, so most of it ended up below the cut. Press J to skip.

Gay/Lesbian

[id: two flags. The one on the top is the lesbian pride flag. The one on the bottom is the gay pride flag /end id]

Anything hypersexualizing

It’s just... not good representation. No one likes to be hypersexualized. Ever. 

The one gay/lesbian in the heterosexual friend group

This tends to come across as tokenism. Not real representation. Also, people tend to be friends with people they connect with. This is why a lot of LGBT people form groups. It’s actually far more likely in the real world for there to be a gay friend group with one straight person.

The homosexual dies first

Yay there’s a gay/lesbian person! Representation! oh... they died five minutes in? That sucks. 

Look, if there’s a lot of death happening in your story, it’s fine if a gay person dies, but please stop making the first death a gay person. And if you decide to kill of a gay person, make sure it’s not the only one.

The gay that refuses to admit he’s gay but he’s super feminine so he has to be

Femininity does not equal being gay. I’m not entirely sure where this trope (and general misconception) came from, but it’s tiring to see it getting beaten into the ground

Femininity is fine as a trait, but it should not be the tell that a character’s gay. Finding other dudes attractive or being attracted to other dudes should be the main tell.

(Bi/pan, Trans, Nonbinary, Genderflux/genderfluid, Ace/aro all below the cut)

Bi/Pan

[id: two pride flags. The one on the top is the pansexual pride flag. The one on the bottom is the bisexual pride flag /end id]

Anything hypersexualizing

See above. I’m tired of it. It’s not good representation.

The bi/pan character is a cheater

Bi/pan people aren’t any more likely to cheat than anyone else. The fact that the general pool of people bi/pan people are attracted to is larger doesn’t really change that. Please don’t make your bi/pan character a cheater.

The “no this character is with a [guy/girl] now so that means they’re [straight/gay] not bi”

This is bi erasure. Bi/pan people are still bi/pan when they’re dating a dude. Bi/pan people are still bi/pan when they’re dating a girl. Bi/pan people are still bi/pan when they’re dating a nonbinary person. Period.

The “this character can’t be bi/pan - they’ve only slept with one gender/they’re a virgin”

Being bi/pan is about being attracted to people of two or more genders/being attracted to people regardless of gender. It doesn’t matter who they’ve slept with. If they’re bi/pan, they find more than one gender attractive.

Trans

[id: the trans pride flag /end id]

“Hi I’m John, but I used to be Jane.”

In no world is this realistic. Trans people are not going to introduce themselves to anyone by using their deadname (their name given at birth that no longer applies to them). There are lots of other ways to show a character is trans.

Trans dudes have to be hypermasculine, and trans girls have to be hyperfeminine

This is just untrue... being a more affeminate trans dude doesn’t make him any less of a man. Being a more masculine trans woman doesn’t mean she’s any less of a woman. Not conforming to the most stereotyped version of their gender does not mean they’re not a valid person

“He - she - did the thing” when referring to a trans woman and vice versa for a trans man in prose.

I specify in prose because if someone has just come out, and characters are tripping up over pronouns but trying to learn and correct themselves, then that’s usually fine (though make sure to research what’s acceptable around this and what isn’t).

The whole calling attention to someone’s pronouns by misgendering someone and then flamboyantly correcting yourself when they’re trans thing can actually be kind of transphobic. When you’re writing prose, you don’t have any excuse so don’t do this.

The trans guy finding a bunch of ace bandages (or something similar) and using them to bind his chest

Yes, this is realistic. Yes, a lot of people do this, but it is an extremely unsafe way to bind. If your character binds, do your research. If they bind unsafely then SHOW THE NEGATIVE RESULTS of binding unsafely (difficulty breathing, cracked ribs, spinal problems, etc) they can be pretty severe. A lot of people don’t know how to bind and take cues from what they see in the media. Don’t perpetuate false information.

Nonbinary

[id: the nonbinary pride flag. /end id]

The nonbinary character has to be flatchested and vaguely masculine in order to be nonbinary

Nonbinary people are still nonbinary when they’re feminine. Nonbinary people are still nonbinary when they’re masculine. Please reflect this in your stories, as people take cues for how society works based off of the cumulation of the media they recieve.

Misgendering during an argument

This is actually really damaging to nonbinary people. What happens is that people see that it’s okay to misgender someone if they’re mad, when in reality, pronouns are a right, not a privilage to be stripped away whenever you get mad. If you were really mad at your country’s leader, you wouldn’t misgender them when you rant. You can hate them with all of your being and you probably still wouldn’t misgender them. Why is it any different with nonbinary people?

All the nonbinary people were AFAB (assigned female at birth)

It’s not inherantly wrong to have AFAB nonbinary folk in your story, but it is nice to see AMAB (assigned male at birth) nonbinary characters as well. There’s a lot less representation for them, so the more representation the better.

Being nonbinary is a phase - you’re actually binary trans or cisgender

Some people identify as nonbinary and do later find out that they identify more with a binary gender, but there’s also a lot of people who are just... nonbinary. It’s hugely dissapointing when a character that’s meant to be representation turns out to actually not be. Especially if they were the only nonbinary character.

Genderfluid/Genderflux

[id: two flags. the one on the top the genderfluid pride flag, and the one on the bottom is the genderflux pride flag /end id]

The one character in the background who’s genderfluid/genderflux in chapter three and then never seen ever again

Just include a genderfluid/genderflux character that’s actually relevant. It’s not that hard, and it’s really not that confusing. Their gender changes sometimes. They might switch their pronouns accordingly. 

The genderfluid character who’s short, vaguely masculine and has brightly died hair.

This one isn’t exactly offensive, per se, but it does feel like this is the only representation of a genderfluid character that I ever see, and that my friends ever see. Diversity is more than just having people who use different labels. It’s also about showing the different walks of life within those groups. There are a lot of genderfluid/flux people who don’t look like the stereotypical genderfluid/flux person, and they deserve representation just as much as everyone else.

The genderfluid character is the alien

This is a cop-out. It’s fine if you’ve got a race of genderfluid/flux aliens. Awesome, actually! Just add a genderfluid/genderflux human character too.

The genderfluid person who wakes up in the morning and “decides” if they’re going to be a boy or a girl today.

There are a couple things wrong with this. The first is that genderfluid people don’t just “decide” which gender they are. Their gender is more of it’s own entity. There’s not much of a choice with it. It just is.

From my own experience I can assure you that genderfluid people don’t just wake up in the morning with a random gender and then that’s their gender for the day. For me personally, my gender will change somewhere between once every three hours and once every three days, but it’s surprisingly rare that it’s overnight. It can even happen in the middle of conversations and stuff like that.

Genderfluid people don’t just switch between being a boy and being a girl. There’s a lot of space in between: nonbinary, maverique, agender, just to name a few.

Ace/Aro

[id: two pride flags. The one on top is an aromatic pride flag, and the bottom is an asexual pride flag. /end id]

The character’s horrible backstory turned them ace/aro

This is not to negate the fact that some people do identify as ace/aro after a traumatic event. That being said, most ace/aro people are just...ace or aro. There wasn’t any backstory. That’s just the way they are. Seeing that a lot more represented would be awesome.

The character’s got a mental illness because they’re ace/aro

Being ace/aro does not mean you have a mental illness. The idea that it does being spread through the media people consume is very harmful and it increases the stigma around being ace/aro, in a place where there really shouldn’t be. Yes you can have a mental illness and be ace/aro, but they’re not usually correlated.

The ace character can’t be ace because look they’ve got a partner!

Ace is short for asexual meaning you don’t feel any sexual attraction. That does not mean you can’t feel any romantic attraction. Therefore, your character can be hella ace and still have a partner that they’re romantically attracted to

If your character was aroace (a term that’s short for aromantic asexual), then they probably wouldn’t be interested in having a partner.

The character who’s aro/ace but then “finds the right person” right at the end

If they’re demisexual/demiromantic, then that’s different, but it does make it feel like the “flaw they were overcoming” was being ace/aro, and that’s both damaging to the community, and it’s also just dissapointing. There are a whole host of other flaws that your character could have that are much more worth the reader’s time.

[babycharmander]

Okay so I finally watched Aggretsuko season 3 and I needed to get some thoughts out.

Overall I really really liked this season--it had a lot of laugh-out-loud funny moments. It went in directions I did not see coming at all and gave me a lot of pleasant surprises... and ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING SURPRISES, THOSE LAST FEW EPS??? OH MY GOSH????

And then... there was... Haida.

(I’m going to warn you right now--I am really not into Haida/Retsuko. I don’t think anyone’s wrong if they want to ship it, or that you’re bad if you ship it, or anything like that--I just dislike the ship myself with the way the characters are right now in the show. If you really like this ship and don’t want to hear me going on about this, go ahead an click back now--I’m not trying to argue or get folks angry, I’m just getting my thoughts out.)

Okay so I like Haida as a character just fine. He had a lot of funny moments and occasionally moments where I felt for him, but like... honestly I mainly feel a lot of frustration with him.

Retsuko rejected him, and he needs to accept that.

Admittedly since I’m coming at this as an aromantic who doesn’t quite understand romance there’s likely some stuff I’m missing here, but I just find it very frustrating that he keeps stewing in his own feelings and endlessly pining over Retsuko and really doing very little to try to change that. I also wasn’t really big on how the others were still kindof pushing him toward Retsuko (at least, when they were) when she had rejected him, but I guess it’s possible they don’t know (it’s been a while since I’ve watched the movie and season 2 so I can’t remember if Fenneko knows--I don’t recall if Haida told anyone until season 3, so if he didn’t, that’s not as bad).

It’s especially frustrating when Inui liked him, and he liked her, but still chose someone who rejected him over her. Really?? But I mean, I was only just feeling frustration there. And then we got... the last episode.

But let’s hold that thought for a moment. I want to take a second to talk about Retsuko here because it’s important.

What she went through was absolutely horriific. Being stalked was creepy enough, but then the handshake thing happened and like...

The show doesn’t shy away from swearing or cruder language, but everything the stalker said to her felt like the worst language used in the show yet. It was horrifying. I was in tears. With the stalker grabbing her hands and verbally abusing, and, let’s be real, sexually harassing her for five minutes straight?? GOOD GOSH. This show can get terrifyingly realistic at times, and this scene was no exception. (though why the heck didn’t they get someone to throw him out?! like, seriously??? no one thought to grab him or call the police then and there?? or... man, maybe (and this is even worse) the others gave her looks like “you want me to do something?” and she just subtly shook her head at them since she was afraid of the very real possibility that the situation would turn more violent than it already was...)

When the next episode started and Retsuko was acting overly-cheery, I immediately knew she was not okay. I’ve been there. Not in her exact situation, but I’ve been there.

And then the murder attempt happened, and... I mean, I’m really glad that Haida stepped in--that was incredibly brave of him and I’m glad he did the right thing there. Inui was great, too--she handled everything very maturely throughout the whole season and I kinda feel bad that she fell for someone as dumb as Haida.

Then we see that Retsuko, very understandably, is suffering from this very real trauma of nearly being murdered on top of being verbally/sexually harassed. She also, very understandably, moves back in with her parents while she’s trying to piece herself back together.

And then Haida... pulls... whatever the heck that was. Forcing himself into her house unannounced, dragging her off to the karaoke bar, and then screaming in her face how much of a chicken she is FOR BEING TRAUMATIZED.

SCREW YOU, MAN??

And like, I am so glad Retsuko called him out immediately because my GOSH that was awful. Like, genuinely, truly awful. That is not how you handle someone who is traumatized. Basically everything Retsuko said back to him was right and I am very glad she said it.

I will give Haida points for one thing: “so let’s punch back.” That was the right thing to say, and what he should have led with the entire time.

But everything else he said? Trash, garbage, horrible, why would you even THINK that was a good idea, that sucked, holy crap. He doesn’t know Retsuko at all, let alone how to deal with someone who is working through trauma.

I just... like... I’m not criticizing the writing of the show or anything--I just really really really am not liking how Haida is handling things. He’s incredibly immature and not a good fit for Retsuko at all, at least not with how he’s standing right now.

I don’t know. I think I might wind up writing a fanfic or something to sort this out for myself.

[whirlwindsworld]

On Adaine, asexuality, aromanticism, trauma, and how much I love Siobhan Thompson

Siobhan recently answered my question on Adaine being ace/aro on the fireside chat stream, and boy do I have emotions and a lot of things to say.

I had my worst traumatic experiences when I was fifteen. They involved school and many panic attacks. I am also on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, so yeah, Siobhan’s answer means a lot to me. Adaine’s story surrounding anxiety has always hit really close to home for me, and hearing a well thought out acknowledgment of the way mental illness and trauma can affect orientations almost sent me bawling. So few people ever mention asexuality, let alone aromanticism in storytelling. Doing both in the same breath as talking about trauma is just wonderful beyond words.

I’m aspec, and while I love it, if my labels change one day, that’s alright with me. If Adaine considers herself aspec, that’s amazing and that representation matters. It’s also okay if her labels change as she grows older, because knowing that she had that journey is representation too.

I’ve followed Siobhan since her time running Anglophenia (my favorite video is the accents one) and the more I’ve seen of her, the more I admire her. As a writer, as an actor, as a roleplayer, and as a person, she continues to astound and inspire me with her talent and thoughtfulness.

I’m MistyPower, a handle that was previously chosen at random, but I feel like redefining it now. It’s now in honor of one of Siobhan’s other wonderful characters, Misty Moore.

I don’t know if Siobhan will ever see this, but I was quite serious when I said I love you in the chat. A good friend told me to remember that I am resilient as hell, and maybe it’s the projection, but I hope Adaine recognizes that quality in themselves too. Thank you for everything.

[aroarolibrary]

Oh man so, first off: congrats to angel/dean shippers on getting your canon thing in spanish but secondly:

Man this whole thing that’s been happening with this show over the last few weeks has 100% reminded me that this show and Sherlock were the two fandoms that made be super romance repulsed because of all the internalized self-hate and trauma they caused me. Like. I was romance repulsed before but those fandoms?? Jacked it up to 100% for years in which I couldn’t interact with any romantic stories or fandoms at all.

Story time!!!

Tw for: self harm, self hatred, hypersexuality, mental health issues, child neglect.

So imagine you are me: a young person who has just graduated high school and, very suddently, went from being “single mother of your little sister” who you had essentially raised on your own for the last four years when she was 5 to 9 yo to “every day college kid that sees their sibling that they raised for the last four years maybe once a month.

Also imagine that, out of all of your high school friends, none of them are attending the same university as you and so. Well.

You’re feeling pretty lonely and depressed.

Now also imagine: you didn’t really have a chance to consume media I HS because: parent. In fact 90% of what you watched was kids cartoons for your sibling +bonus Inuyasha at 3am as a...Uh....treat.....(that’s the kind way of saying ‘setting an alarm at 3am to check to make sure the parents actually got home from wherever TF they vanished to nearly every night).

But hey! You are free now and can watch/read what you want between classes! Only, well, where to start? You go to a book store and find a Sherlock Holmes book and think “okay ya I’ve always wanted to read these!” And proceed to consume them in one week flat.

They are amazing. The relationship between Sherlock and John reminds you of your and one of your best friends/honorary cousins that you haven’t seen in a while and it brings you comfort to read, but now you are out of stories so, you do what any person this day in ages does: you find fanfiction. Now, Sherlock wasn’t a thing at this point and so nearly all the fanfics were based on the books and, of those, 80-85% you gen. No romance at all. Just relaxing stories about friends and solving mysteries.

Then Sherlock happens and, don’t get me wrong, I was definitely a fan when the show started, but suddenly fanfiction was no longer mostly gen, it was shifting, becoming more and more shipping and romance related and it became harder and harder to find non-romantic stories.

Then a person I was living with suggested supernatural. “It’s a story about brothers and it focuses on them.” They said “very little romance. You would probably like it.”

And so I watched it and, they were right, I did. And ya, that one wasn’t exactly like the early Sherlock Holmes fandom, it had a lot of shipping from the get go, but I could also really easily find gen fics that focused on siblings and familial relationships and ignore the rest since there was a pretty even 50/50 split with a slight favor on the gen side.

(Keep in mind there is a LOT of other irl trauma going on in the BG of this story which I know I’ve talked about before. A lot of which is also feeding into the romance repulsion and my avoidance of romance in fandom spaces along with my “blossoming” hypersexuality)

Anyway, the familial relationship in spn was a comfort. At the point I moved from Sherlock to SPN I was in my second year on university and was doing a bit better mentally (in the “sadness” front at least) but I was still missing seeing my sister a lot and so SPN was a comfort in that sense. It was something to relax with that didn’t have romance or anything of the sort that, at that point, was only driving me further and further into hypersexuality (I was dating my first ‘official’ partner at that point and, while I can recognize it now looking back, romance in shows and movies made me feel inadequate as a partner. Like I was failing and not doing enough. Was not romantic enough. Was not showing affection enough. But physically I also couldn’t bring myself to do those things either. What I could do was sex. And, well, when that’s all you have to offer...)

ANYWAY: spn was the one show I knew of on TV that was low to no romance and that the fandom was also decently low on romance, instead focusing mostly on family and the brothers.

Cut forward a few years, I’m back into a depression, I’ve failed at a relationship again because all I can offer is sex and that’s really not enough for people that are looking for actual romance and:

And supernatural introduces an angel character to the show. It’s interesting but I’m pretty depressed and not really all that interested in the show anyway at this point-

But then the fandom happens and it’s like a flood. The romance pours in from all corners along with the absolute hate for anyone that doesn’t see anything romantic happening. It’s like watching a wild fire go through a fandom, what was once a fandom that mostly was just about siblings all of a sudden became all about this angel character and Dean. So much so that it over shadowed everything and any attempt to just enjoy the show as a gen thing or as a family-centric show became impossible.

It was also around this point that a lot of...idk what to call it really because it wasn’t exactly hate, it was like a “this is the only way to read/be in this fandom and if you aren’t we are going to harass you non-stop until you see things our way”. If you couldn’t see the romance between these two characters it was because you were homophobic. If you preferred gen it was because you were homophobic. If you focused on just the brothers and their relationship it was because you were homophobic. If you couldn’t see that Dean was better off in a romantic relationship then with his brother who he had an ‘unhealthy’ relationship with then you were homophobic.

(Keep in mind at this point I was out as bisexual and had attempted to date a woman at this point. I say attempted because, well, again: aromantic even if I didn’t know it then)

It was intense and, from the POV of an aromantic person struggling with being unable to understand even basic romance: it was traumatizing.

I tried to see it, to understand what these shippers were seeing that I couldn’t. Yes, I could see how Sam and Dean’s relationship could be viewed as unhealthy, but as someone who had lived a similar life to theirs as a kid, and to suddenly be bombarded with this idea that the “healthy” way to cope with that is a “romantic relationship” it was a lot. And by a lot I mean a death spiral.

There was...a lot of one night stands and sex and half-attempted relationships after that, in that desperate attempt to understand. There was also panic, nausea, fear that my own relationship with my sister was unhealthy. Was causing both of us harm. That the only way I could keep from hurting her further was to find a “healthy” romantic relationship instead because siblings aren’t meant to be close, not even those where one raised the other alone for years on end.

I had no context outside of fandom about what a healthy sibling relationship looked like and, hell, most TV shows at the time painted sibling relationships as antagonist 90% of the time and with them only interacting when necessary. My parents both had siblings but my dad talked to his maybe once a month and my mom faught with Hers a lot. I had never faught with my sister. We got along perfectly, mostly because from the ages on 13 - 18 I lived for her alone and so I was used to putting her first no matter what.

But this fandom, that had been a comfort for me for a while, suddenly said that was wrong. That instead romance was the way to go and I...

Well. I am conscious of myself enough now to know that I was purposely hurting myself. A lot. Punishing myself over and over and over again, not just because I couldn’t figure out how to “feel” romance like I was supposed to do but also because I was a terrible sibling. Because I had failed my sister some how and had ended up in an “unhealthy codependent” relationship with her since, if Sam and Dean’s relationship was like that according to fans, then obviously so was ours.

(God and don’t get me started on the spiral that the new Inuyasha Sequel put me into a few months ago. I’m STILL not out of that spiral yet. These last few months have not been good for the “romance isn’t important/is unnecessary” front)

I would like to say that I soon realized how terrible the fandom was for my mental health and that it was causing me to harm myself but that isn’t how this story ends. How it ends is that I Eventually I ended up not being able to watch SPN any more. Every episode was just another dagger in my side. Another failure to press my face into. Another series of interactions where I couldn’t see. Couldn’t understand. Another episode that would let to another desperate one night stand/attempt at understanding how this was better. Healthier. How this was how things were supposed to be. Another night of not talking to my family or friend and another few days of not talking to my sister because talking to her too much was wrong.

So ya. This story doesn’t end nicely. It just slowly fades to black. To a point where I hate myself so much that I can’t bring myself to interact with the fandom or internet at all. Where everything just kind of...goes away and vanished but where the trauma still exists. Where stories that start out about family and, suddenly, introduce love interests leave me nauseous and choked. Where my romance repulsion gets so strong that I can’t sleep because I just keep remembering my failures. The fact that it’s not healthy to focus or care about your family. That there must be romance. There must There must there must. Because with out it all other relationships are bad/wrong/unhealthy and you are bad/wrong/unhealthy for only having those.

Just the endless mantra. All night long.

Bad.

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Bad.

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Bad

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Over and over and over again.

[orange-waterfalls]

Say It Back (2/2)

The Host x gender neutral!reader

@thekillingjoke-haha ty for the request(still)

Part 1

A/N: ok i know i made a playlist called "songs to cry to" and listened to it while writing a sappy fic but..... I didn't think I'd actually cry??? I had no idea how to end it I'm sorry ahvsgsvs. also I feel like should point out that I do headcanon that Host is on the aromantic scale, so that's why you are the literal only person who he has fallen in love with. Because. You're special???? I guess????? But uh I hope u like this. Rated T for cursing. Enjoy???

Word Count: 2.4k

Requests are open!

--

“Host, what the fuck are we doing?” Illinois asks with his hands on his hips.

Host sighs and stops pacing the floor. He turns to the egos- excluding Bim, who is behind him- who he has lined up in the living room. A day has passed since you went on that date with that guy. Host has no idea who he is, but he doesn’t like him.

“Host needs you all to help him,” Host states, his voice managing to stay flat though he was experiencing many emotions at the moment. Not all of the egos were present. The more serious/dangerous ones(i.e. The Googles, Darkiplier, Yandere, etc.) were not there. He’d also kicked out the ones he didn’t trust with something this important(i.e. Ed, Silver Shepard, King of the Squirrels, etc.). There is still a fair amount of them, however.

“Help? Wit what?” Yancy asks. The Host takes a deep breath.

“Host… wants to tell Y/N he’s in love with them…” A series of cheers, groans, and sounds of money being passed follow his statement.

“Okay, but what do we have to do with this?” Dr. Iplier gestures to himself and the nearly identical people next to him.

“Host… is not the most familiar with romantic relationships…” Host explains softly, “He does not know what to do… he needs help…” The room is silent and the Host’s heart beats softly in his ears.

“Oh, hell yeah!” Bing cheers. The other egos join and agree to help. Host swells with joy. These people are maniacs but, dammit, they’re family. Basically, anyways. “So, what do we do?”

“Hm?” Host is snapped out of his thoughts.

“Well, what are we supposed to do? Is there a plan or something?” Host stares at Bing. He… hadn’t thought of that. A plan… would be useful… in this specific situation… hm…

“Uh…” Host scratches his neck while he thinks. Bim rolls his eyes.

“Oh, Christ. Fine,” he pulls a chair up to the coffee table in front of them while the others sit across from him on the couch and in the seats.

“Does… Does Bim have a plan?” Host’s eyebrows raise in surprise.

“I have a lot of free time and believe you me, I knew you wouldn’t be able to do this yourself,” Bim explains. Some of the egos chuckle while Host blushes.

“Now,” He leans forward, as do the rest of them, “Here’s what we’ll do…”

--

Host does not know how he let himself get into this situation.

He is holding a bouquet of flowers, standing in the middle of your house, wearing a bowtie, of all things, waiting for you to get back. And when you got back, he’d take you to the movies, then to dinner, then the park and he’d finally confess his everlasting love for you while you watched the sunset. And then he’d go in for the kiss. Perfect.

Except… not perfect. Bim neglected to explain what he was supposed to do while all these activities were taking place. He didn’t do romance! He didn’t know how to talk to people! What is he supposed to talk about? The weather? His job? The goddamn election? What?!

Host took a deep breath to slow his beating heart. He could feel the blood threatening to drip from his eyes. He squared his shoulders and faced your door. You should be here soon. Bim said you’d be here soon.

Bim had a plan. Like, a plan plan. An “I have been waiting for this moment for so long that I already have every single detail planned down to the letter” plan. Illinois and Yancy would pretend to get in a fight outside your work. You’d go outside and break it up. You’d ask them what the fight was about, they’d give a stupid answer and you’d tell them to go home. Then Eric would show up, tell you that he thought he left something at your house the last time he was there and he really, really needed it. You’d tell your boss you needed to go home. You’d go home, open your door, and boom! Host takes you out. On a date.

Bim, King, and Dr. Iplier would take care of the rest. Bim would make sure the theater was clear… by doing whatever he does… Dr. Iplier would call the people who reserved a table at a fancy restaurant that they’re dying and need to get to the hospital immediately. King would make sure the park was clear by getting his squirrels to scare people away. It was perfect.

...

What the hell is he doing? He isn’t… like this. This is false advertising for what would actually happen if you two are to date. He’d probably spend a whole day writing and then hug you when you went to bed. Maybe a kiss.

But this? Movies(that he can’t watch)? Fancy restaurants? Watching the sunset? This isn’t him. Is it too late to cancel?

Host stiffens when he hears your car pull into the driveway.

30 seconds to make a decision. A) He can stay and go through with the plan or B) he can throw himself out the window.

He hears your keys in the lock and there is apparently an unforeseen third option where he walks out the back door like a sensible person. He breathes heavily once he’s in your backyard.

Okay. Bim’s plan is officially ruined. Great. What now?

He can go home and tell the other egos how he’s an absolute failure and literally cannot do a single thing right.

Or…

Or he could ask you out. His way. On his own, without any help from Bim. He heard you walk around your apartment, talking with Eric.

“So, what did you leave?” You ask. Host feels the dopamine flow through his brain at the sound of your voice. Unknowingly, he smiles.

“I-I-I don’t know. B-But it w-was i-important!” Eric stutters. He’s a really bad actor…

“Okay, it’s okay, we can look,” You respond gently. Host clutches the flowers tightly. You’re so… gentle. You’re so wonderful with Eric, so patient with the kid. You know what he’s been through, and you try to help and understand him. You did the same thing with Host. Maybe that’s why he likes you so much…

“U-Um, I-I think this is it,” Eric says after a few minutes of rustling around.

“Really? I thought this was mine…”

“O-Oh, uh… m-maybe i-it’s n-not--”

“No, no! You have it! Better safe than sorry.”

“O-Okay… um… a-are y-you sure?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I can get another one, it’s fine.”

“A-Alright… thanks!”

“No problem. Bye, Eric! Have a great day! Don’t forget to take your meds!”

“Okay… B-Bye, Y/N!”

Host bites his lip to suppress the happy chuckle that threatens to come out. He thought your interaction was the purest thing in the world. You’re… so… great.

Great? Really? That’s the best word he can come up with? Not “exceptional”, not “tremendous”, “marvelous”, “magnificent”, “stupendous”, “extraordinary”, “outstanding”...

He’s an author, for Chrissakes!

How was it that you took away all of his cognitive ability by just… being you?

Goodness, he had it bad, didn’t he?

Host jumps at the buzzing on his thigh. He takes the phone out of his pocket and answers. He hesitantly brings the phone to his ear. He has a feeling about what’s going to happen.

“Um… Hello?” He whispers.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Yancy yells. Host flinches at the volume.

“I-”

“What the hell happened to the plan? What is your problem?” Illinois interrupts.

“Well-”

“Dude, we were rooting for you!” Bing takes the phone next. Host frowned, starting to get annoyed.

“If-”

“We’re trying to help you,” Dr. Iplier said, calmer than the rest.

“Everything was ready,” King said from somewhere in the background.

“Host,” Bim finally took the phone, “What happened?” Host was silent for a minute. “Host?”

“Oh, is Host allowed to speak now?” He teases. Bim chuckles.

“Yeah, sorry… Just… what happened?” Host sighs.

“Host… realized… he wants to do this… his way. Without help. He doesn’t need it. Y/N will either like him, or they won’t. All this… fancy stuff won’t change that. Host needs to do this on his own,” Host explains. The phone is silent. He’s begun to realize that silence does not equal upset. Bim snorts.

“Well, you could’ve fucking said that before we convinced that young couple that they’re dying,” He laughs. Host flushes and he’s glad no one’s around to see it.

“Host is sorry…”

“Eh, it’s fine. I’m sure if I ask Wilford, we can do all the shit you were supposed to,” Host can hear Bim’s smile when he talks, “Good luck Host.” He hangs up, and Host is left sitting on your back porch.

Ok. New plan.

Host tears the bowtie off and throws it in your trash, along with the flowers. Hopefully, you wouldn’t mind.

He straightened his back and cleared his throat, raising his fist to knock on your door. He paused.

Wait. What if you didn’t like him? What if you were already dating the guy? Did romantic relationships work that way? He wouldn’t know.

He shook his head and knocked three times. He’d deal with that when he got to it.

The door opens to reveal… you. You’re wearing sweatpants and a Pokemon hoodie. You raise an eyebrow at him, a slightly annoyed look on your face.

God, you’re perfect.

“Host? May I help you?” Your face softens when you see who it is. The Host swallows nervously.

“Uh… may the Host come in?” You nod and step back, allowing him to step into your house. His knees would have buckled with the sheer smell of the house if he hadn’t been here before. The whole place smells like you and he nearly collapsed the first time.

“Would you… like a drink?”

“No, thank you.”

“Okay, well…” You both stand across from each other, a few feet apart. “What would you-”

“The Host likes Y/N,” Host blurts out. You blink at him, hand in mid-gesture.

“What?” You ask quietly. The Host takes a shaky breath and grounds himself. He is going to get through this, no matter how embarrassing or traumatizing it may be.

“The Host… I… I like you. I love you. I am… in love… with you…” He says slowly, not fully comprehending what’s coming out of his mouth. “I like you. Say it back, please.”

“Say it back, please”? Really?! Could you sound any more desperate?

He looks up to see your head tilted slightly. Why were you so cute?

“Okay…” You furrow your eyebrows, “Elaborate?” Host takes another breath and swallows. His throat is very dry. Maybe he should’ve said yes to the drink…

“Host… is in love with you. He has been for a while. He’s not sure when it started, but he knows it’s a very strong feeling. He loves to hear Y/N talk and laugh and… walk around and… do anything. And… he thinks they are such a wonderful person and he wants to be the one to make them happy… he wants to be the one they go on dates with and come home to… because… he loves them…” Host holds his breath while he waits for the response. The suspense might actually kill him at this point.

“I… like you,” You finally say. Host knits his eyebrows together.

“What?” He asks.

“You… you said to say it back…” you whisper, “And… if it happens to be true… that’s not my fault…” Hosts eyebrows raise as high as they can go.

“What?” He repeats, barely louder than a whisper. He hears the floor creak as you walk over to him and he breathes heavily in response. What’s happening? What are you doing? What’s going on?

His breath hitches when you take his hand and intertwine your fingers with his.

“I love you too, Host.” You whisper. The Host feels extremely light headed. You love him? You love him? No, no, no… but…

“But… date… with… guy…” Host murmurs. There goes the brain function.

“I went out with him to try and get over you…” you admitted, “I didn’t think you actually liked me…”

“Why… not?”

“I’m not… anything special--”

“Yes! Yes, you are!” He raises his voice, “You are… exceptional! And tremendous! And marvelous, magnificent, stupendous, extraordinary, outstanding… and… so much more!” You stifle a laugh.

“You really think so?”

“Yes!” You chuckle. You shift your hand so that you’re holding his fingers in your hand. You rub your thumb over his knuckles. He begins to shake slightly. Too much. He was going to pass out.

“So… what now?”

“Hm?” Host turns his head from your hand holding his to your face.

“What do we do now?”

“Host is not sure, he didn’t think he would get this far…” You laugh out loud this time and a smile appears on the Host’s face.

“Well… do you want to awkwardly kiss?”

“That… It would be nice…”

You shuffle forward a bit so you’re very close to the Host. He stands completely still, not exactly sure what to do with himself. You lay a gentle hand on his cheek and kiss him. Not deep, not… sensual, just… a small kiss. Host still gets very flushed by it and his cheek is very hot on your hand. You pull back after a few seconds.

“How… was that?” You squeak.

“Good… it was… it was good…” He pants. You both stand there, unmoving. Then, you start to giggle.

“We… are adults… and we’re acting like teenagers…” You laugh. Host smiles.

“That… we are…” Host starts laughing as well. You laugh at each other and how ridiculous you’re being before you remove your hand from the Host’s. He immediately misses the contact. You wrap your arms around him and hold him tightly in a hug. Host hesitantly wrapped his around you. You stood, swaying a bit, feeling very comfortable.

“This is nice,” you sigh.

“It is.”

“What do you wanna do now?”

“Host is… a bit hungry…” You snicker.

“Alright. I’ll make something.” You pull away and Host chases after your warmth. You lead him to the living room and sit him down on the couch. You go to the kitchen, leaving the Host alone with his thoughts.

You… like him. You… love him. How long have you loved him? Why didn’t he know? Is he really just that stupid around you?

He sighs and traces his knuckles with a finger.

He loves you… you love him…

He couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy...

[aropippin]

hello this is a long post, sorry. don’t feel like you need to read it.

this may be incoherent, it’s kind of a mind dump and to be honest i’m a little tipsy writing it. this is probably a little tmi and no one is asking for this explanation but it’s something that’s been lingering in my mind for a while. also i talk about things through the lens of summer vs. fall vs. spring because i was in college for most of this and that’s how our semesters worked (and how i categorize time).

i feel a little bit of an elephant in the room since returning to tumblr (now more than ever since i’m online more frequently than i have been for a couple of years) when i talk about certain things in my life and particularly my boyfriend. 

the last time i was really active was over three years ago. at that time i was still 100% identifying as aromantic and asexual (i’ll say aroace from here on out), it was something that was very important to my identity. i very actively talked about it on here and it was an active part of who i was. i very genuinely did not have any interest in dating and experienced pretty much no attraction to people outside of aesthetic (and a lot of that went hand in hand with my dysphoria, i saw other men and wanted to look like them). at this point i was sex repulsed and honestly pretty romance repulsed as well. 

i’d be identifying as aroace for at least four or five years after breaking up with my high school boyfriend (put a pin in that thought). i was very stable in that identity including through questioning my gender identity and that first few months of me knowing i was trans.spring of 2017 was interesting because i developed a crush for the first time since i was  freshman in high school (so it had been like five years). i won’t go super into it, but for the first time i was interesting in pursuing a relationship. it was something i thought about a lot and i liked him a lot. in the end, it kind of fizzled out after a couple of months but we’re putting a pin in this too. 

after it ended i didn’t think about it too much. this was the point that i publicly started transitioning. when we came back around fall of that year, i noticed a shift. i wasn’t really attracted to anyone nor did i really want to date but i was jealous of my very close friend. this was maybe seven months into her relationship at the time and i was jealous of her boyfriend because we had spent so much time together the previous year but it felt like i was barely seeing her. i thought i might have had a crush on her and even told a few close friends that i thought i did but to this day i’m not really sure. i had similar feelings growing up (middle/high school) with my close female friends. i think i really was looking for attention, not in a negative way but just in general; i saw that other people had people looking at them and liking them and i wanted it too. and to be fair, i got a little bit of attention at parties from girls it was super affirming to me and felt great.

at this point i felt like i couldn’t really identify as aromantic anymore but i still felt very asexual; the lines were very blurry but that’s kind of where we were at. well late next spring me and the guy who didn’t work out last time agreed to actually try and date. to be honest, it was a hit or miss experience; he just wasn’t really int he place to date but we wanted to give it a try. the biggest takeaways were that it was barely romantic and 0% sexual but it was a relationship and 100x healthier than the last one i was in. in the end, we just decided that it wasn’t working and we’d be better as friends. i ended it and didn’t expect to be in any other relationship any time soon. i was wrong.

within like a month of breaking up with that guy, i met my current boyfriend whose name is josh. we met fall of 2018 at band. we talked a couple of times at camp but it wasn’t a big thing and then at our second party, he got crossed and i spent a lot of time taking care of him (and he spent a lot of time soft flirting with me). i had been a little fixated on him during camp, which is generally how my feelings towards people (platonic or romantic) had manifested in the past but it wasn’t a Thing until he started texting me afterward. i had such a strong response.

it was a interesting time that i won’t go super in depth with, but he wasn’t out at the time and i wasn’t sure he was into guys. i quickly found out that he was and that he was into me. and i ended up being into him. it was a very strange experience for me. i had dated two guys before but both of those were slow burns, we were friends and hung out and then months later started to date. but with josh i had met him and within about a month we were dating. it was messier and more complex than i’m getting into but it happened. and i was more than okay with it, i was happy. pretty early in i sat him down and told him how sex repulsed and that i had some traumatic dating experiences in the past and he was very open and supportive of however this needed to go.

but like, not to be tmi but within a month of dating we had sex (both for the first time) and while it wasn’t great to begin with, it wasn’t the traumatic experience that i thought it would be. and it generally only improved over time. i got much more open about it and we figured stuff out together.

okay, so here’s the pinned thought. in high school i dated a guy for two years. at this point i was not aware that i was trans so this was a “straight” relationship. he was terrible to me for a lot of it. to be fair, i was dealing with a lot of dysphoria that i couldn’t place however he was pretty constantly pushing my boundaries on what i felt comfortable with physically. he would either freeze me out or just get upset if i didn’t want to do things he wanted to do and would even do this while i was having a panic attack and couldn’t function out of fear. he and his friends made fun of me and called me frigid and a prude and said that our relationship was meaningless because we didn’t do enough physically/sexually. i left this relationship pretty fucked up and that’s without taking the dysphoria i was dealing with into account. he continued to be emotionally abusive to me for years after that.

and if i’m being honest, i think a lot of that played into my feelings and identifying as aroace. i think the majority of it was because of my traumatic experiences but my dysphoria played into it too. and honestly i hate that. i feel like i betrayed all of the people that i used to talk about it with when i stopped identifying that way, but it got to the point where it wasn’t something productive in my life anymore. 

if i were to psychoanalyze myself and go into micro-identities, i’d say i probably still exist on both the ace and aro spectrums. i really have such limited physical attraction to other people and i really don’t know that i could identify it really as sexual attraction. and even romantically, i still think that i probably experience some level of being aro but i don’t think either term serves me anymore. they used to be important, they made me feel safe and understood which i desperately needed, but now they don’t.

i don’t define my sexuality in any strong terms. i’m queer. i say i’m bi for the functionality of it, but in the end i’m just not straight. i’m into people, gender doesn’t play a big part in it, and that’s just kind of where i’m at. i know this was long and convoluted, but some part of me felt that it was important to talk about the shift i’ve felt over the last few years. i feel guilty because aro and/or ace people often times are faced with people saying, “oh you’ll grow out of it” and i feel bad for playing into this narrative but it’s where i’m at. especially after transitioning, defining my sexuality became a lot less important to me because i was more comfortable with myself.

anyway, mostly unrelated but i am not changing my url (i have a brand to maintain) lol and pls like this if you read to this point

[aro-culture-is]

1)I'm aro & even tho I came to know about that term just recently I've alys had the 'aro' personality & those who know me knows it. I'm 23 & never been in a relation. I'm also introvert so I don't really have close friends & i don't desire other's company whether romantic or not. When I was 14 I had this guy frn & I guess we were pretty close. I stopped talking to him over some argument about he wanting me to be his gf. I wasn't planning on not speaking with him forever but he died a week later

2)So since I'm in 20s and suddenly everythings about finding the missing piece crap I always get pressured into seeking it. I tell my mom time and again that it's not for me but she keeps pointing out that I'm shy introvert and I don't know what I'm missing and the story of that guy. I honestly don't have much memory of him now but she tells me that I was devastated and she was worried sick for me cause she thought he was my bf. So now I'm confused and try to look at myself w/o those things

3) but I can't. I don't know if I need therapy and this aromantic is sth in me that can be fixed. I don't mean to degrade the word. And I don't know if I want it fixed even if it's fixable. I don't know how to answer to my mom bringing up possible trauma that may be possible for me being aro. There has to be other people with similar situation. What is on the other side?

4) sorry this this getting too long but I want to add about how he died to get a gist of how fucked up it was. I used to help him with studies and we often had extra classes where I used to go with him insisting that he go since he had difficulty getting decent grades. That day I didn't call him as I said I wasn't talking with him. He had gone for swimming when we had class. He drowned in a river nearby. It was never known if it was accidental or not.

--

TWs: trauma, implied suicide (as a possibility), internalized arophobia

okay... so, i’m going to preface this with the fact that regardless of the aromantic side of things, the language that you used throughout this would make me inclined to suggest therapy regardless. i’m not a professional, i’m just a 20yo who’s seen a lot of the growth of the aro community on tumblr over the last 7 years.

the reason i’m saying this is specifically that you mention “i guess we were pretty close”, “don’t have much memory of him now”, etc., especially paralleled with how you keep mentioning that you’re getting info about this from your mother. again, i’m not a professional, but that speaks to me of a traumatic situation (aka: something that you were not emotionally capable of processing when it happened) in which you either didn’t form memories well (a stress response, but this seems unusually severe in my limited understanding) or possibly have repressed it to some degree. both are totally normal responses, but nonetheless it might help to speak to a qualified professional about your experience with this if it’s distressing you enough to ask me, a random internet blog, about it in this detail.

additionally, in all honesty, i’m concerned that your only source of info seems to be your mother. while i’ll say in full disclosure that my view is impacted by my own (shitty) relationship with my mother, many parents want their children to lead what they picture to be a perfect life, to the point of causing damage in their attempts to mold their children into those lives. if this specifically is only being brought up when you talk about being aro / in conjunction with conversations about dating, that would lead me to suspect this is the case.

with regards to the aromantic side of this ask:

1) being aromantic is first and foremost about attraction. if you don’t think you’ve ever, or rarely, felt romantic attraction? you’re aro. you don’t have to claim the label if you don’t want to, but I think in your case it sounds like you do want to.

2) with ppl assuming that you were dating someone especially when you were 14, i’d disregard anything they say. at least in USA culture, mothers especially are poor judges of who is and is not dating in my experience, and typically assume any friends who happen to be a guy and a girl must actually be dating. literally it’s so rare for parents, especially mothers in this culture not to assume that that i actually cannot think of a person who i know who didn’t have their parents make that assumption at least once when it wasn’t true.

3) the relationship between aromanticism and trauma is often personal. ppl who have experienced trauma that they believe caused them to be aro are still aromantic if they chose to label themselves such, and it is directly unhealthy to take that control away from a trauma victim. while again, i am not a professional, i was given basic training about how best to support a victim of trauma, and the number one thing is that you must give them the reigns. they ultimately must have power over what happens to them. empowerment is extremely important.

that said: studies do find that the average alloromantic person experiences their first crushes around the age of 10. if you personally don’t recall having had any crushes before this experience, I wouldn’t be quick to describe your aromanticism as stemming from trauma. if you did have crushes, but you recall picking a person to have a crush on, that’s not what an alloromantic person calls a crush, that’s what an aromantic person who is trying to fit in calls a crush. so. there’s that to think about.

4) from the last point: “curing” aromanticism. if and only if your lack of attraction stems from trauma do i believe there is a chance that therapy could help to unlock any form of attraction you used to have. in all honesty, though, I would strongly advise that if you do believe this is the correct course of action for you, you cannot go into this with a therapist who isn’t respectful of queer identities. you cannot go into this with the expectation that everything will “return to normal”. trauma is complex. therapists with no knowledge of aromanticism could easily do harm simply because they aren’t familiar with the fact that people who don’t experience romantic attraction can live fulfilling lives.

--

this ask is complex. i’m really hoping i’ve answered it the best i can, but ultimately, all i can do is say this:

i’m sorry that you experienced this. what happened was not your fault, and you deserve to be able to move forwards with your life regardless and feel content with your life.

for as long as you want it, the label aromantic is yours to claim. no one can take that from you. sometimes, well-meaning people may try, because they don’t know better than to assume it is harming you. that does not mean that they know you better than you know yourself.

trauma is complicated, and healing from it can feel daunting. however, therapy can help you process what happened then, what is happening now, and come to a conclusion about how best to move forwards. it sounds to me like you harbor a feeling of guilt about a situation that, no matter what, was not your fault. accident or not, anyone who tries to imply that it was your fault is wrong. i know that my words as a stranger might not carry much weight, but if nothing else I want you to know that you are allowed to stop carrying this weight.

this ask is complex because in all honesty? i don’t think is about aromanticism. as someone who is currently in therapy, and who regularly discusses my own trauma with my therapist, i’m reading a lot of the same types of feeling i’m currently confronting in your ask.

best wishes

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Sometimes I feel bad about being in the aromantic community because I see so many people who feel broken and lonely and monstruous and most of the posts directed towards aromantic people are about how they are still good persons and I know it’s important but ... it doesn’t fit me . I never felt broken or lonely or monstruous . When I discovered what aromantic meant I was like “ good there’s a word for what I feel ” and went on with my life . Immediate personal acceptance . ( 1/2 )

( 2/2 ) And I feel guilty for not struggling as much with my identity and feelings as the majority of the aro community . Most struggle with their aromanticism while I’m here perfectly happy with my identity since I discovered it ( 2 years ago ) . I feel guilty for not struggling . j

sweetheart, there’s a fundamental truth of life, and it’s this: there are two kinds of people, those who say “you should have to suffer the same way i suffered,” and those who say, “i don’t want anyone to suffer the way i’ve suffered.”

i’m of the latter group, and i hope you are too. what relevance does that have here? this: i’m fucking thrilled you never felt broken or hated yourself for your aromanticism. i want to see a world built where no one ever feels broken or hates themselves because of their queerness. 

struggling and self-hatred is not the ticket you have to show to earn your way into the queer community. suffering is not a prerequisite. suffering is an unfortunate comobordity, it’s not an inherent trait of being queer, and it’s one that all of us should work on and hope to extinguish in the future. 

all of us should celebrate when someone is able to say that they haven’t suffered because of their queer identity, because that means something went right in that person’s life.

you are not less aromantic because you haven’t hated yourself. you are not less a part of the aro community because you’ve never felt like a monster. you never, ever have to ‘earn’ your identity, especially not through suffering. you do not become more aro or more ace or more gay through suffering, you just become more traumatized, and trauma is something we should want to see eradicated, not ratified into our queer citizenship like it’s a document you have to show to get a passport. 

it’s wonderful that you never felt broken because your aromanticism. it fucking sucks that other people have. you don’t invalidate their pain, they don’t invalidate your lack of it. 

let’s work for a world where no one ever has to feel broken, okay?

[full-course-identity]

Give me your thoughts on uuuh Jake

wew boy

okay. gonna word dump this, and probably other interpretation asks, so I can get the words out there.

from my POV, there’s 3 types of canon Jake + 1 fanon vers + my personal interpretation. lemme explain what they are;

Book Jake, who I don’t have enough experience with bc I STILL haven’t finished the book… >_>;

2River Jake, who is kinda oblivious and very in-the-moment impulsive (not so bad he’s jumping place to place ADHD like Rich, but like, not considering that maybe dropping everything to seduce Madeline or Christine is a bad idea when he clearly really likes Chloe). these are debatably survival mechanisms bc of his family (and wealth, if you want to go into the “being rich actually traumatizes you and locks you into dissociation” theory–but to be fair, this is partially reliant on thinking Jake is Genuinely Rich. … well, not Rich as in… yeah); ignoring any pain he feels in favor of getting dicked down and forgetting about everything for a while. very “I’m not sad, I’m busy!!!!!” 

Bway (possibly the new canon general for all Jakes since it sounds like London’s is modeled after him but just… toned down), who is still oblivious, but towards other people’s emotions instead of himself; he’s manipulative, a little impulsive but a lot more malicious about it, and he knows exactly how hurt he is about his parents. this jake’s awareness of himself makes him act worse because he knows this is the only thing that seems to help and it’s basically the only thing he actually has control of. his wealthiness is undeniably present and Bad here because the reason taking what he wants and not caring that it hurts people is his main coping skill is pretty much only because he’s been allowed that privilege all his life. i tend to think this version of him should be done by a white cishet dude (despite jake’s actor on bway being genuinely FANTASTIC) bc being marginalized in a high school should’ve curved a lot of the “endless power and privilege” he gets for being rich (Not That One). 

[i… think this jake has ‘better’/more nuanced writing in BWay… but i don’t think it fits the musical nor is it the overall direction i think it should’ve gone. BMC feels best to me when there’s a heavier element of Dark Humor that briefly nods to a Larger and more Fucked Up world behind the bit we see in the musical. making it largely a twisted comedy, maybe even ramping that up further with more whiplash lines like jake’s “which means the house is empty, so that’s fun”]

Fanon Jake is… like most of the fanon characters in BMC, a bit… “bipolar” (like, radically shifting depending on the situation). the BMC fandom has been born with heavy engagement from minors in the current fascist climate of fandom as a whole. as a result, you have three general uses of jake that as “approved of” by somehow the exact same people despite being conflicting in a lot of ways. THIS IS NOT ME SHITTING ON FANON, i actually think most of this fandom is just a casual romp for most people and that shouldn’t be snatched away from them nor mocked nor treated like you HAVE to be logically consistent when this is just a fun hobby for most… but there are still trends i notice:

1: Jake the sweet bi disaster who loves their significant other and is just a little bit hopeless in their silliness and Down For Whatever-esque personality. this is often used for shippy pictures and memes and cute little oneshots, plus, of course, fluff.

2: Jake the tragic abuse victim who is extremely sad and has to learn to love again and has always been selfless, plus or minus a permanent disability post-fire. this is of course used for hurt/comfort, plus in combination kinda with michael in the bathroom-esque posts and tragic art, often also used as an example of the squip being the worst for jeremy or rich guilt trauma. also: aesthetic and moodboard posts.

3: the one I have the least good will towards: Jake the “why does everybody woobify mlm? You can’t portray him without flaws! queer boys aren’t your fetish!!!” with an attached, clunkily written reasons why he was an asshole that is also simultaneously watered down so you don’t think he’s a Monster bc then you’d be vilifying queer men (well, more like they’d feel bad about their cutesy-er ‘emotional support’ art and writing which is Totally Different from all the other cutesy emotional support art and writing). 

basically, Meta Trying To Make Jake Reasonably Flawed But Not Evil in this fandom is RARELY genuine–it’s more often than not moralistic hand-wringing made so that they can wash themselves of the guilt for actually enjoying something with a character they portray as mlm, or otherwise the guilt of enjoying anything romantic or sexual involving men or queer people period when we’re apparently not supposed to do that anymore, as decreed by the radfems infesting our spaces. 

and, well, or you’re an mlm writing this post, you’re probably young and still feeling extremely sensitive and scared about your identity. i once saw a very wise post by a trans person who had been trans for a long time, who said that when you first come out as trans (or queer in general, but especially trans people who are beginning social or physical transition and coming to terms with themselves) you are obvs on High Fucking Alert and so you’re insecure and scared of anything, ranging from “obvious transphobia” to “just trans people enjoying themselves and exploring transphobia in fiction or else their own sexuality”. again, this can relate to a lot of identities tbh, and as such young mlm either cis or trans can get very Itchy about people enjoying mlm content.

anyway.

wrapping it back around to me: i edit jake on a case by case basis (sometimes i even make him eviler or meaner based on what’s set up during Bway, he’s just not my usual go-to villain), but i tend to think of him as a tragic Mr. Peanutbutter-y sweetheart who kinda knows he feels like shit yet also knows that if he stops to assess it, it would make his life a lot harder in a time where he can’t afford that. his relationship with chloe is extremely toxic (chloe abuses him horribly, specifically), and so he tries to claw his way out of it only to be continually back in by chloe and her bullshit. 

this is why he doesn’t really get... well. he genuinely thought the thing with christine was going to be permanent; he wasn’t jerking her around, he thought he was over chloe and wanted a girl as cool and fun and genuinely nice as her. afterward he Gets It, and so feels Really Bad--at a time where he doesn’t have his house, his legs are broken (i don’t tend to put him in a perma-wheelchair), his parents have abandoned him, and he best friend is in the hospital. guilt crashes in on him from all sides, and he just has to... pretend it isn’t, even as he can no longer stop himself from thinking about it.

if i was to do a jake focused story, it’d probably be a dating sim where you play as him and watch his life change in conjunction with his attempts to find happiness again; you can either choose decisions that help him greatly or ruin his life so ver much... hmm. lets file that under hashtag “story ideas i’ll never use even though they could be great”

to wrap this up: i like jake. i don’t... really enjoy most of the written content (fanfic, meta, sometimes even the storylines on ask blogs) in this fandom about him or... really, most of the characters, which i feel bad about--i’d enjoy it more if it was every in conjunction with my usual Wants in a fic, which is, like. extreme angst.

BUT

i do still like jake, and i can super enjoy his portrayal in memes and visual art

he’s just not my total fave, but like, the reason he tends not to come up a lot in my content is more what i’m focusing on and why. i’d be happy to use him in stories if his presence fit.

as a bonus

here’s the ships i’m happy to use him for, generally: deere, michael/jake, brooke/jake, toxic chloe/jake, and of course, different ocs/jake

his identities/labels: cis, bisexual/romantic... tho sometimes i actually go for bisexual and aromantic! outside bway and eviler jakes, i’m good with him being any race, and even then it’s just a matter of suspending disbelief re: privilege theory. also, PTSD probably, and maybe generalized anxiety as a result. maaaaaybe autistic too? adhd would be a hard sell for me since he seems super put together in a way that’d be extremely difficult for every form of adhd, but i can see him being neurodivergent on the spectrum + like dyslexia maybe. oh, and i sorta-kinda think he may be color blind? but really i’d drop that at a moment’s notice if it’d be easier to write him without it lol.

his interests: one is more or less sports in general, tho i think that, unless he went straight for track or swimming or something Olympics (which he probably can’t do now...), that’s a high school or some college only focus for him. so, besides sports, i think he’d kinda like the satisfaction and steady growth of Collecting Rare Things That You Have To Look For, like cool rocks, bugs, etc. 

as for careers... some form of doctor something, maybe a businessman of some sort but he’d likely try to curve his power in that field as much as possible; he inherits his parents' assets and company or whatever, but he probably takes a backseat to that and only really has it out of a sense of ‘it’s my job as my parent’s kid to keep the company going--without engaging in the same awful legal issues they did--for as long as i can’. one of my fave jake-is-there stories, vanceypant’s spicy bis-focused fic 1999, has him owning a restaurant, and that was cool as hell.

also jake loves dogs. especially golden retrievers. yes.