#should I try to get my old job back?
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I just found a clinic nearby that does gender-affirming surgeries so top surgery might actually be a feasible thing for me in the near(ish) future
I found a job that seems to have all the stuff I liked from one of my last jobs without the extra bullshit I didn't (can't apply for it currently but that kind of job exists and that's reassuring)
Things might be starting to look up for me
#personal#i would have to use the money i saved up for college for the surgery and i dont know what kind of wait list they have going on#but i dont have enough money to get the kind of degree i want anyway here#so i might as well drop that money on something meaningful to me instead#not having much luck figuring out the getting back to therapy thing atm and im not going to assume these things on their own will fix me#but damn if they wouldn't help#and if i can get back into work i can move back in with my old roommate#(as far as i know my room's still available id just have to talk to him about it once ive got money to offer for bills again)#and with this kind of 'stay at home until there's work' job itll mean im not spending all my energy trying to survive the day#so i should still have some left over for doing the things i love doing (without having to worry about those things being able to make mone#god i havent felt this hopeful about my prospects in a long fucking time#maybe i can still make a place for myself
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My dad, jokingly: "I'm badman"
Me: "haha sure" (not thinking he's anything like batman)
My dad: *left/ separated from my mum when I was a teen, started a GTA gang that helps bullied kids, ended up emotionally adopting like 8 kids and helped them through bullying, suicide, abuse, etc.*
Me: *was hurt by an abuser and had to deal with said abuser being forgiven by family around me*
Me: *gets into Batman lore*
Me: ...
"Wait a second..."
#I guess this makes me Jason Todd lmao#I love him don't get me wrong#but he's also literally Bats here with the leaving and then coming back with eight adopted kids#and me going through a whole thing with wanting to cut off certain people#having anger issues#and having a complex relationship with him and at first feeling a bit like I was replaced#Like damn#He really is Bruce and I'm way too much like Jason#Also thinking about hoe my older brother feels overly responsible and tries to act like a leader#He's so much like Nightwing/ Dick Grayson#Overly forgiving and trying to be more of a leader than he should be and the family oriented type of guy#Don't get me wrong I love him too#Buuut as the younger sibling it's my job to pick on him a bit#Our relationship is a bit like Jason and Dick with comradery but with jabs at each other and not always agreeing with how to do things#He's more of a moderate liberal tyoe too#Wants to save everyone on all sides whereas I'm more of a radical leftist who can hold a grudge#Yeah I can definitely see the batfam in us lmao#Idk what middle brother would be#maybe a bit like Barbara with trying to be the smartest? He's not exactly an overachiever but I think he longs for our mum's attention#I mean we all have sure but I think he's in deeper with that#Me and the oldest one were/ are the more rebellious types or I guess the ones that questioned our parents more#Whereas he kinda goes along with everything and backs them up and seeks a lot of approval#Not a bad thing but can make him sort of dependant and try to seem stronger and smarter than he is/ or needs to act#And ofc out of all us I'm probably the most rebellious#less so when I was little but after not being believed when I said I was abused by a certain old shithead was a big c#*shift for me#Made me trust their judgement a lot less and look for my own path ig#So very similar to Jason there with seeing flaws in Batman's morals and rejecting them because of how they got him hurt#Sort of like how I rejected/ reject the moderate “all sides” standpoint in my family#there's a lt of forgiveness given to people who don't really deserve it in our extended family
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This is a start, anyway. Lots of research and work ahead.
#still unsure what i can do when adhd brain doesnt let me do my hobbies in the little free time i have#but in the other hand if i can be sure that if i got a health insurance plan thru the ACA on the state market#that it would still cover me even if the ACA gets slashed - including thru the following enrollment period (that they wont be able to drop#me due to 'preexisting condition'. then i can leave my job and have a lot more time to be active and involved with this stuff.)#like I'm gonna do what i can anywY and I'm not gonna assume i cant do anything bc i have a strong motivation w this so adhd brain might be#chill w letting me do something#it feels like theres no time left tho but I'm trying to ignore that#but i just got my work schedule for Thanksgiving week and between the wk before and wk of I'm working 7 days straight. bc I'm dumb and#volunteered to be the one to work on Thanksgiving Day (why. bc i didnt want to make the 60+ yr old do 7+ days in a row or the 20-yr old.)#(shouldve asked if the kid was willing tho tbh. I'm gonna be burned tf out so badly.)#and i shouldve asked for the rest of the week off tbh but only got the 29th and 30th off. boo.#anyway abd then its december and we're gonna be busy busy with stupid Xmas stuff plants decor etc...#I'm just. worried I'll blink and itll be january.#but lets try lets do..something somehow#id like to find a way to squeeze the eye dr. vaccines. and dental extractions and healing time in before January#as well as getting involved in this stuff#and trying to overcome my intense social anxiety to do so#and looking into health insurance stuff#and RESTING too. need to do that. somehow.#but my whole November is booked now bc of work.#id love a 4 day workweek instead of 5 at least tbh but cant be floral specialist if I'm not full time amd cant stay on the insurance thru#work if I'm not fulltime either#and somehwere in the midst is...thanksgiving hah. and hanukkah which is Very important especially noe#now*#one story of hanukkah is of a small group fighting back against oppressors and succeeding#so.#idk where I'm going with this. but this day off is half over and.. i did this list thing yesterday actually but added to it today.#today ive also...devoured all current pages of a miraculous ladybug fancomic. put up one load of laundry. and opened the door#dor some fresh air and commection grounding etc..#i should call the eye dr guy so i can get a basic eye exam sooner than later and get new lenses ordered bc my glasses are at least 2 yrs ood
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Fuck dysphoria, dresses are the coolest shit ever and I need to start wearing them more
#i wont because i dislike my body but right now i can believe#i love dresses. the aesthetic is so lovely and cool and i just want to look nice in a dress#im wearing one right now as i type this post#because its part of my ren faire outfit. in addition to a cute corset belt thing#so i wanted to try them on together and holy shit#i look really hot#i own dresses i just never like my body enough to wear them which is tragic#im stepping outside of my comfort zone with this ren faire outfit quite a bit#mildly related but i need to cut and dye my hair again. and im not dyeing my hair a fun color just going back to natural brown#im in hell about it but i have a job interview tomorrow so i need to look normal. and my hair is getting scruffy and needs a trim#wish me luck in the interview bcuz i actually want the job#its at my old workplace (a big grocery store) but i used to be a bagger. the interview is to be in the deli#i love a nice kitchen job. kitchen is my ideal work environment#i should probs be okay because they remember me from when i used to work there. but still#but back to the dress. fuck i look cool. fuck i wish i was more comfortable with my body. i got hit with body image issues and dysphoria#double the fucking problem when i want to look nice#i love being nonbinary but i know if i want to look cute in a dress then ill only be seen as a woman (moreso than usual)#curses and drats. but its whatever
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Libraries are just about the punkest places in existence and ppl wanna be transphobic in them? Not on my watch fuck you very much
#literally that bitch at the recption desk asking me for my document name#bitch you're obligated by law to respect my chosen name even if it isn't on my ID#you bet your ass I filed a complaint directly with the library administration the second i went through those doors#and you guess what else#that hag had the gall to ask me if I complained about her#“yes ma'am I did” is what i replied to her#A LIBRABRY SHOULD BE LITERALLY THE INCLUSIVE SAFE HAVEN FOR ALL PEOPLES AND THIS BITCH TRYING TO TREAT TRANS FOLKS LIKE THAT??#BITCH FUCK YOU#if you wanna be transphobic you're gonna need to find a new job bc a PUBLIC LIBRARY is not the place to play your stupid hurtfull games#and the way she insisted on checking my books just so she could ask me that when there were three other people available to check them is#just so grating on my cheese#if she were a decent ignorant person she wouldn't have asked to check my books and wouldn't care to interact with me any more than she abso#lutely had to#but nooo#she simply had to ask#that tells me she was just being a mean old bitch bc of pride and prejudice#and picking on me specifically#(book pun heheheh)#bc this was not the first time she did that#and if she acts a fool again#I'll record her and complain again#and I'll go to the fucking cops about it too#gosh I wish she would get fired#her career should be as an insufferable catholic school hall monitor of vice principal bc she's just a mean old hag w no joy in her life#nothing better to do than to pick on minorities and you just know she wouldn't be the actual principal bc ofc she wouldn't#anyway this bitch made my day worse but joke's on her coz I got myself a treat for doing the right thing#which was complaining#but i was seriously considering not going back to the library and omfg#she should really be fucking fired#can you imagine scaring someone off coming back to a PUBLIC FUCKING LIBRARY
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Honestly I think the #1 thing about moving into the professional space that I wish I learned about sooner was the importance of finding a true mentor in your field. There's so much talk about network network network but having a few people with knowledge and experience truly ride for you beats the thousands of linkedin connections ten times out of ten.
#i wish i was told at 18/19 about really leaning into people you admire/who believe in you instead of burning yourself out for tons of ppl!#ive been really lucky to have amazing people in my corner throughout my university years in my jobs who have really looked out for me!!#my research supervisor is the one who gave me the job i start friday (!!)#bc i talked to him about my short career history and fears of this tight job market and uncertainties etc etc#and he gave me this opportunity saying 'i know this isnt what you want long term and i will support u searching for what that is but for no#- i think you should push yourself to try something different!#and my old mentor who was my absolute ride or die just messaged me about coming back to my old job in a closed off industry rn#basically sat with me for an hour the other week just catching up hearing my plans talking about what i want for my career#hoping to line me back up with my old team to hopefully break the market and then help me move around once im in#to get to where i'm really passionate about#i know im soso lucky to have people like that in my corner and a lot of that just came from happenstance that personalities seem to click#but its such a weird falsity we push about#'grow your network full of these strangers at conferences! but never dare admit youre only doing that for a job opportunity!'
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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on
#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is#but doing what makes you happy#and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures#+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck#while hurtful as fuck too#and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that#confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that#and it feels like it’s not gonna get better#like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love#feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me#and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face#I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible#my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man#I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria#and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone#should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot#I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine#because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too#and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after#and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous#I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t#it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain#but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time#what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore#I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????
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read 100 pages of an actual book in the last few hours which is about 100 more pages than i did in almost a year :)
#guess having to embarrassingly lay in the bathtub for 5 hours cause it’s the only place i can now be alone in#cause i no longer have a room and this house has become a sensory overload hell#and ofc that no one seems to try and understand and after all the progress ive made im getting told im the crazy one again#i seriously need to someone to help me know how the fuck you go abroad#cause let’s face it post concert depression is tough but it’s not the only reason my anxiety goes the fuck up when i come back from a trip#but then oof the guilt of leaving man#it already kills having to share time with each parent and leaving my siblings with That#i am also having a huge ass gender crisis hehe#you think they won’t look me in the eyes cause they saw my old ways coming back or#cause i mumbled im not a fucking girl when my sister said girl calm down 🙃🙃🙃🙃#literally so sick of being so lost in life#i don’t know what i want i should find a new job but i can’t bear the idea nothing appeals to me i don’t want a fucking career#if you read this woosh 🪄 you forget it#x
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im starting my yearly birthday existential crisis week early
#I’m also on my period so that might be why#so I’m taking some English classes so that I can speak English a practice and do something#most of my classmates are university age (17-23) and there are a couple who are older than me (or at least in schedule that I chose)#and one of them asked for my Instagram and he’s like 17-18 and I’m turning 26 next week#and that’s just weird ok#i know I have a baby face and I can easily look like a 18-20 year old#and i also find it so funny whenever they ask what I’m doing and I tell them that I’m looking for a job and/or applying for a phd#their faces are so funny#but it also reminds me that I don’t have a job where I can be with people my age (or at least from 22 onwards)#and then i remember that my all of my cousins have jobs and most of my friends and they seem to have it all figured out#and while I have sort of a plan I’m still on the planning part of it#but then i also remember that if I want to get a phd I have to wait and apply in the next couple of months to start next year#so it’s ok to be sort of directionless and not doing anything concrete#also I might start German classes soon and I found a university that gives classes strating from beginners and it’s close by so that’s good#and when it comes to university requirements my English is pretty much native (apart from pronunciation) and my gpa is really really good#also i think I’ll give journaling another try bc I know writing helps me think and unwind#just dumping my thoughts on paper or even here helps me get it off my chest#also I sort of rediscovered Noah kahan and Florence and the machine#so them plus hozier plus my period and my birthday coming soon equals a whirlwind of emotions#and i know that i should try to embrace it and ride the wave instead of push back#and my cat might be sick but I’m not sure#he hasn’t been eating well since yesterday and he has been sleeping more that usual#but my dad isn’t worried and thinks we should wait before taking him to the vet (he’s a doctor and that’s what he does whenever one#of us gets sick)#and my mom is working#and i dont want to take him in a taxi bc he gets very very anxious on the drive there#it’s kind of a lot#mariana.txt
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Someday I’m gonna live in a place that’s all mine and I will drink on my porch and laugh at the kitchen table surrounded by love and I will be happy and I don’t know when it’s gonna happen and I don’t know how I’ll get there but it’s out there on the horizon somewhere and I’m sure if I keep going forward someday I’ll reach it
#having no solid plan whatsoever for moving out vs spending all of my time both happily imagining moving out and also assuming I will die#if I ever live alone like I’m so excited and I want the best for my future self but I don’t trust me to be alone I’ve met me before I’mscary#but also a house full of love and getting old and rotting away alone it’s all I want but I dread it at the same time#I have to only consider the short term in order to enjoy the fantasy but then the short term loops back around to having no solid plan other#than working and saving money and looking online at apartments and that’s it#I’m so unprepared my brother had this whole college experience to live on his own (with roommates) and learn how to budget and work hard and#have fun and social vs work balance and all that and he’s three years older than me and I feel like I should have all this stability by now#cause he was in college when he was my age and he was living on his own and my mom doesn’t shut up about me and my brother moving out she’s#always making jokes about it it sucks anyways I will never stop trying to live up to my brother and then hating myself for having normal#goals like some other people my age like get an apartment hold a steady job move away from your mom#the normal stuff
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i am so much more mentally ill than i was last year but also in different ways. the problems i had a year ago have not gone away but i care significantly less now #growth unfortunately my current problems are now worse.
#i dont havé the mental fortitude to look at the long ass new years resolution list i made in my notes app when my phone was dying on the bu#s back from school#but i saw someone posting abt their resolutions and i remembered tjem and man everything i cared about was so stupid likr none of it mattere#d all my problems were so small#i mean i remember the state i was in around this time last year and thays not entirely true i was dealing witj scjool and a job etc but most#of my resolutions were just to stop caring so much abt things that#i never should have cared about in the first place#not that my problems are that bad now. many of them would be solved by not having a fever and not pmsing#some of them tho. are representative of larger issues. but i handle them#i just want to mot have to handle them for once i think having a fever is my body’s way of telling me to slow down and relax and not try to#have everything together but ive been sick for so many days that its getting old and i want to be done and there are legit things to do like#fucking finals#but i will survive life goes on etc#im not usually a new years resolution person but i think it might help to be more thoughtful and introspective instead of repressing#everything so perhaps i shall try again this year
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Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.
And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.
#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that#doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything#I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and#people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it#like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs#ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons!#bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It#i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it#i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration.#I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th#the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time#and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism.#i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been#able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance!#i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc#I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it#and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky.#bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call#bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm.#and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and#helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday#and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job?#i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with#like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd#to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid#and j hate the corporatism and the leadership#bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need#anyway.#i just... want something different.#i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit
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after the vehicle hunt has been a big flop (the few vehicles I was interested in drove terribly on the test drives :( and car salesmen waaaay highballing cars worths which is. A crazy thing to do when I can literally look up the average worth of a car in 2 seconds??) after going to so so many websites and irl dealers. i found a van I really really love the look of and it’s only like an hour away!! (vintage van-rv combo!! Small enough to not be insane on gas while combining my many years long obsession with having a small rv-like thing AND my nostalgia for my now gone first van…)
And the thing is actually low priced for its type… but insanely out of my budget still 10,000 more than what I have. It’s insane how much vehicles cost. This thing is like 10 years older than I am and it still costs that much?? Wanting a thing really bad will have u googling shit like what body parts can I sell legally 💀
#long time followers will recall back in 2019 me rv posting CONSTANTLY the yearning is so real#I never looked for class b rvs bc they are insanely priced usually but this one is considered cheap (which is still insane)#with my measly part time job it will be many many months before I have that money#by then I’m sure it’ll be sold which makes me want to cry#I’ve applied to other part time jobs so maybe I could work 2 remote jobs…I’m at the point where I feel like I’ve been running on a hamster#wheel nonstop and it’s not getting me any results like I feel very. stuck and impatient#it’s frustrating!! and what if I somehow save up and it’s not bought then it also drives like shit 😭#I’ve never really minded being cooped up but lately it’s driving me a little crazy#maybe I’m just bad at saving I don’t know. like I genuinely don’t know how anyone manages to make it like this tho#but no bank or credit union will give me a loan for it bc of how old it was (I checked Friday) even tho I have good credit :(#I feel like the first half of this year was so awesome and it’s just been going downhill so fast it’s really. discouraging#sanchoyorambles#anyway all that to say if possible I might donate plasma or something despite how squeamish I am#I hate money and I hate having to need it and how stressful it is to spend it on big things like a vechicle I hate it I hate it#everything should be free and easy forever#I’ll probably end up with a stupid boring little car that I’ll hate bc that’s what I can afford. but it’ll be fine if I slap a cute sticker#on it or something. I thought my van kinda sucked af first too despite how proud I was to have bought it#and I still got reaaaallly emotionally attached to it so! who knows what’ll happen#but yeah. can someone explain WHY class b rvs cost THAt Much it’s stupid . things I want should be a lovely little 1000$#car and housd should be 1000$ for me because umm I’m nice and I’m trying really hard? 😔🤨#and it is a luxury that I can even wait a bit to decide since I have a remote job. I’m grateful for that but I’m also going stir crazy#it’ll be fine I just need to whine and Lament#fellow adults that drive sometimes….are we feelin this pain ….car shopping is evil
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(ooc post: activity may once again be spotty due to work stuff, plus im mostly playing legends arceus in my free time rn. its really fun :D)
#op#ooc:#probably going to find a new job#like my job is ok. i like it. i work at a vape store and the business is slow enough that i can chat with customers#which is WAY better than when i was working at (chain drugstore) bc tht was so overwhelming#but i got a new manager and they r THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!#my old manager was fantastic we r still friends and i literally applied Because i wanted to work w my old manager. theyre fantastic#but i HATE MY NEW MANAGER THEY SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!#every time my old one comes in im like ‘i dont want you to actually come back bc ik u dont like it here but PLEASE COME BACK’#im probably gonna apply for another vape shop or a dispensary or something idk#i get really overwhelmed by 1) young kids and 2) large crowds of customers so im trying to find a job to avoid those two things#i can handle both of those things here and there btw i just dont like it when its Constant. like how it was at (chain drugstore)#should i add cw tags for my tags?? i will to be safe#drugs cw#weed cw#smoking cw
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I am very stupid and I hurt myself on the trampoline at the house we were just visiting for a family get together.
The only good news about this is that my left knee hurts SO FUCKING BAD right now that I can no longer perceive the constant pain in my right.
#real shit#work is gonna be hell tomorrow#every time I try to go play outside I get hurt#last time was at my old job and they wouldn't let me sit down in back drive so I came in on crutches the next day#like last time I literally heard something tear in my leg#this time it just hurts like hell but I can still bend it so I guess nothing's broken#moral of the story is I should stop playing outside playing is for children apparently#and not almost 25-year-olds with definite joint issues
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not me forgetting i switched shifts with a coworker and showing up an hour early for work ✌️😌
#i am so stupid#better than an hour late tho#in a way im making back an hour of the time i took off for tomorrow for my doctor's appointment#but i missed an opportunity to sleep for an extra hour that i really needed lol#i love working closing shift bc i dont have to be in until 8:30 but im always middle shift on monday so i didnt even check 🤡#ugh#also a baby fell out of my lap when i was stopping another kid from pulling a different kids hair and the baby cried sm#and later he got a little bloody nose probably from that 😭#gonna kms#hopefully nobody is mad at me abt it but im so upsettt :(#we were sitting on the floor so he didnt fall that far and i kind of expected him to catch himself with his arms when he shifted#but instead he faceplanted :(#he's old enough to crawl and is almost walking so i literally didnt think he could have been hurt until he was :(#but i literally had to stop the hair ripping immediately bc that kid pulls super hard#but i should have taken the two seconds to move the baby from my lap to the floor#but i honestly didnt even expect him to leave my lap when i leaned forward i thought he would lean forward a bit and be fine#anyway#i hate myself#i love the kids but this job is a bit stressful#its like being a lifeguard to 16 fragile humans with no braincells or self preservation instincts whatsoever#and we dont have enough teachers#all day long they try to eat rocks and climb things they shouldn't and push eachother off of the tallest stuff they can get access to#and also bite scratch pull hair etc#the most violent kid is thankfully moving up to the big kid class next month thankfully#he literally hurts the other kids all day long for fun#this has been a shitpost#anyway i still have to close even tho i showed up for middlenshift so its gonna be a loooooong day
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