#i can handle both of those things here and there btw i just dont like it when its Constant. like how it was at (chain drugstore)

[mimikinyuu]

(ooc post: activity may once again be spotty due to work stuff, plus im mostly playing legends arceus in my free time rn. its really fun :D)

[firstdivisiongirl]

OH MY GAH HIIII !! I SAW THAT YOU DO MATCHUPS SO I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD A REQ FOR THAT BUT W TOKREV CHARACTERS ??? :DDDD i dont mind anyone tbh so dw abt choosing :33

ok i'll just drop some background info abt myself here :33

i'm aromantic + nonbinary, i am an entp 7w6 and i'm a pisces !! i like to draw, listen to music (either metal or just mainstream music i listen to whatever atp) and dance in my freetime !! :3

based on my personality ::

my friends tend to tell me that i'm the embodiment of the quote "dont judge a book by its' cover" cuz on the outside i act like a full on metalhead and really passive aggressive but at home i sleep next to a whole tower of plushies 💀🙏 and i collect stickers of silly little cats and otters (not my fault that they're so cute oml) i'm usually the clown of the group !! i tend to be hyperactive but my emotions change a lot- one second talking to me is like trying to get a toddler to pay attention to your teacher and the other is like trying not to get bitten by a rabid dog (my friend's words not mine). i tend to be a loud mouth srry . . . i do try to be quiet if necessary but if i get excited when talking i am a walking speaker . . . i get rlly excited if my favorite things are mentioned ?! like i would get rlly happy, smiley and would talk about it until i forget to breathe !! i like to consume horror media ?? idk if i can say that without sounding like an edgelord sobsob im sorry . . . i just love consuming those types of media (as a former kid w unsupervised access to the internet-) and i tend to ramble abt them along w other philosophical topics !! i like to discuss abt meaning of life, whether there are other universes, abt the capabilities of the human mind, etc. they're just so interesting!!! :] i guess im proud to say that my best trait is my humor 😋 maybe im overconfident abt this one cuz i just have pretty dumb sense of humor if im being honest frfr i tend to say things out of context . . . i like terrorizing my friends by saying the most outrageous things and overexaggerating them for the fun of it :333 though sometimes i kinda mean what i say

for my ideal partner ::

i'd say i would like someone who's fun to be around but at the same time they gotta be interesting for me to find them fun . . . like they gonna have smth to them that makes me wanna observe them like they're a lab rat being experimented on and being put under observation :33 ppl like that make me wanna see whats inside them and how they see the world around them !! i just love those kinds of ppl aaaaa ik im overdramatic for this one but like . . . i need someone who can handle me- as in my emotions and sometimes my way of loving . . . cuz if i did love someone, i would obsess over them and would dream of dying w them out of euphoria cuz being w my partner is the only thing that keeps me alive and human 😞 i wanna feel genuine happiness and pure bliss w my partner so thats why after that i think we should die together, that way we both know that finally we lived our life to the fullest (in my pov, 'the fullest' means you finally reach the climax of ur happiness/u live to the moment where you're the happiest you've ever been) (idk if that makes sense but that has always been my fantasy LAWD IM RAMBLING) need someone whos as crazy as i am :333 if he aint insane i dont want him fr i need to make him worse /j

i think thats all abt me :333 pls take ur time and make sure to put urself first btw !! aside from that, its ok if you ignore this one cuz at the end of the day its up to u <333 have a wonderful day/night mwah you're super cool

Hello! Of course you can have a matchup. Thank you for the kindness. I would like to warn you that I picked a somewhat controversial character. I hope you like it!

You Got...

Tetta Kisaki!!!

If boy can handle the chaos the is Shuji Hanma, he can handle you!

You wanted crazy...

Would love to see you smile when you get super excited about something! His favorite thing is to see the person he loves happy.

He is really really smart. So you would have very intellectual and philosophical discussions.

Would love that you aren't all you seem. Because he is the same way. You two can be badasses when out, but totally different when it is just the two of you (and Hanma sometimes when he is being Hanma and not leaving you all alone.)

Movie date nights. He'd let you pick it. If you're happy, he's happy.

[zonerz]

your alvi character is soooo cute and cool looking i love him…

OMG 🥺 TYSMMM He’s my pride and joy and I love him so so much!!! I have sm I still wanna do with him and I'm so so excited for KHML to get him back into the action! 🫶 Unfortunately that also means he will, on some level, being Going Thru It but that's a small price to pay for more content of my boy <3 <3 <3

I hope u dont mind me taking this moment to ramble abt his general deal and vibe bc I feel like my thoughts are all scattered throughout my art with him 😭🙏 Will add a cut and reading past is ofc optional but TYSM for the interest in general! His design is so fun to doodle and he’s got a whole Dreamhouse Closet of fits 👍

But!! Basically in UX my boy joined Vulpes and got his keyblade on his bday, Dec. 25th when he turned 13-14 or so :] he started out on his own and was pretty quiet but very compassionate which paid off in the long run and got him some good friends (both in the form of Ephemer and co. and then with my friends' keykids Vivian and Vial--highly rec checking out their art too btw !!! @thequibblingking13 and @thatalien404 I love Vial and Vivi so so much as well 🥺)

As he pulled in these new friendships (and in the case of Vivi and Vial, practically family/siblingship) Alvi ends up having that compassion fuel him to become more skilled with his keyblade, learn more about how to best guilt and use medals, the best ways to Raid, etc. in order to be able to both protect/keep the people he loves safe as well as to be a teacher. He loved exploring new worlds and helping people in general and I think would end up being the kinda general Big Brother FigureTM who other kids could run to with questions--especially as he got into his later teens.

He ends up learning quite fast and scaling up pretty exponentially compared to some of his peers and, in general, ends up fairly competitive with the weekly rankings and PVP (friendly still, but ready to give it his all) and with that, he ends up taking that protector role more seriously as he becomes more competent. By the time the War really comes around when he's like 15-16, he ends up sticking around to fight in the hopes of shouldering as much weight as he can in the place of others, as well as wanting to shield Vivi and Vial as best as he can.

Though things definitely do get murkier as he gets stronger. I think that he'd always been a bit more open/neutral to darkness as a concept. He knows it can corrupt but would use it in small increments, however those would become larger and be used more often as time passed in trade for more strength--more capability. It would culminate at it's most out of control/chaotic when fighting with the Foretellers (shoutout to Ira who reflected every light attack BTW. like okay bro. u asked for this ig 😐) where he'd really just let loose and give it all, though it'd leave him weak and also pretty freaked out. Plus the whole almost dying thing definitely adds to that 😭 so he'd rein things in dramatically after waking up from the war.

As for the amnesia about the war, things shift a little bit here and I think he'd sorta wake up to reality pretty quick, especially with the nightmares. He loves Chirithy but his was never the best at lying, and despite whatever bumps in the road he and Ephemer had, he doesn't anticipate that he'd ever lie straight to his face. So when he confronts Skuld and Ephemer about it all? Well, they hesitate enough to tell him something's up at the very least--as he suspected. He's sympathetic to his friends' new position as defacto leaders though and, being a pretty natural leader-type himself, knows how precarious of a situation it is regarding information on the war. It's horribly distressing for him to remember everything to say the least, and he figures himself pretty capable of handling it, so the thought of having so many of the other kids remember en masse and just start hurting despite it being over just leaves him feeling sick. He doesn't like lying either though, and it feels wrong to hide such a huge event--which the others sympathize with bc damn they're dealing with that conflict too 😭 But, ultimately, Alvi agrees to remain quiet about the whole ordeal--even to Vivi and Vial whom he shared everything with. Which creates. Problems. 😬

In the weird mundane time they spend in the digital daybreak before things start glitching and life is just continuing "as usual" Alvi ends up inadvertently pulling back from Vivi and Vial (as they can tell something is Up) and gets closer to all of the Union Leaders! I really think he'd get along well and have unique but fun friendships with each and every one of them :> There's already that like Besties Bond with Ephemer and Skuld, but I think he'd really love Ven, Brain, and Lauriam, too. He and Lauriam would be the tallest two of the bunch and I think would lowkey prod each other about it in a mini competition as they both continued growing, he would ADORE Ven and love carrying him on his shoulders and such, and I think would just be chill and funny with Brain. Put them in a room together and the sarcasm level doubles 🤝

When Vivi and Vial finally figure things out abt the War tho, and that Alvi was actively lying to them, ehm... 😬 Things begin going downhill FAST from there. He doesn't really have any good explanation for himself as he just wanted to protect them at his core, but it was still not the best way to probably deal with it. That said though, what's WORSE is how he responds to the question of whether he'd do it again and uh. Well. 🤡🤡🤡

So suffice to say, Vivi and Vial feel pretty damn betrayed and generally angry at him but Alvi has hope they can patch things up and get it all sorted out. But with each attempt to be more transparent about things, Alvi keeps having to clam up because a lot of the stuff he's been doing have been with the Union Leaders and needs to remain kinda lowkey, so he ends up being unable to really tell that much which just comes across as condescending at best for Vivi and Vial. And then the glitches start showing up 🧍‍♂️

Alvi, in the midst of trying to both apologize and explain once more to them both, gets pulled away to go help Ephemer investigate what's going on at the Clocktower. He leaves his little siblings with the promise that, the very moment he comes home, he will tell them everything and share everything about all the worlds he's seen since--just like how things used to be. They have his word! And it's still shaky ground but a potential light at the end of the tunnel! But, well, then he and Ephemer end up in Game Central Station and things get very out of hand very fast. The end of the game unravels faster than they can keep up and the last "interaction" Alvi has with his siblings is Vivi crumbling in her own fight across town as the feeling of Alvi getting that hit to the heart from Ephemer echoes through to her oTL

The end of UX makes me SO. AUGH. I feel like I've already talked a lot but there's just So Much in my head for my poor little guy and MAN. His end would follow the canon ending of the game pretty closely. He'd stick around with Ephemer and Skuld and help see the other Leaders off in the Ark with the intention to go grab Vial and Vivi and get them inside to safety before things go wrong again. One little thing I wanna draw or poke at somehow tho is that like, I think he'd give little mementos/gifts to the others before they send them off in the ARK. To Brain and Lauriam, he'd give them each one of his earrings, Elrena would get his neon bracelets, and Ven would get a moogle chain he always kept on his dufflebag :>

As for the final fight. MANNNN. I think that Alvi would be able to put on a pretty convincing act and, somewhat bitterly, kinda goes down the line of like "Well, I really am a liar lately, so what's one more?" and he'd go all-in to ensure Ephemer was pushed to his limit. WHICH SUCKS AND HURTS MY HEART TO THINK ABOUTTT. But he'd pull it off, and he'd get that shot to the heart, and I think in that fight it's poetic if he was fighting more in a stance like YX than usual. Smth smth foreshadowing also legacy etc. 🫶🫶🫶 He'd go out proud and happy, even if it was immensely bitter knowing the last memories his friends all shared with him.

Suffice to say I have SOOOO many thoughts abt him and I am SO excited for Missing Link to do a round 2 bc I have a rough idea of what I wanna do for his arc/character-wise on his second time around and I am also so hyped to get Brain back 🥺🥺🥺 I think their friendship is going to be so so crucial to Alvi in ML and I cannot WAIT to get into it!!! And OFC THE WHOLE RAISING OF XEHANORT??? MANNNNN. He would love Xehanort with everything he had. It's so bittersweet that he would've passed before Xeha started learning how to do a whole lot with the keyblade and got all manipulated by destiny bc like. Alvi would not be perfect, but he would've loved to train him himself. Which like also ik I'm #Coping and whatever but I'm just gonna say that Alvi, after passing in KHDR, is just chilling in Quadratum bc I'm sorry but he's far too stubborn to die and just leave his son behind so soon 🫶 I only have memes with them so far but I truly believe that Alvi and Xeha have a Like Father Like Son dyanmic thang going on. A long line of guys with something wrong with them 🫶💖

ANYWAYS IVE ALREADY TALKED SO MUCH AND COULD GO ON, APOLOGIES, BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY LITTLE GUY AND ALL THE PREQUEL KEYKIDS SM ‼‼‼💖💖💖

[mythica0]

I cant whait for you to come back!! I LOVE UR posts and its makes me feels so glad beacuse this is on my " happy things to do when ur sad" list anyways IF u dont have an idea on a rottmnt fic heres one! The turtles are bored and then they remember that they were playing hide and tickle game soo they decided to play it beacuse of boringness! Btw write this when u come back beacuse u deserve a small break!

A Memory

🎂:ROTTMNT

🧁: Leo, Donnie, Raph

🍫: Mikey

Summary: it’s one boring day and the turtles don’t know what to do, until Mikey gets a memory of a game they used to play that’s sure to cure the boredom right up…

A/N: thanks for the request! Sorry about the delay and enjoy!

Tw: a single cus word

A Memory

Nothing was happening. Nothing bad, but nothing good either. And the group of mutant turtles in the sewer were bored.

They were kinda slumped over eachother, Donnie was zoned out and Mikey softly humming to himself.

Leo finally broke the silence by saying what they were all thinking. “Ugh, I’m so booooreed” he groaned out.

“Me too.” The others chorused in a deadpan.

“Maybe we could think of something to do?”

The four thought about it, trying to come up with anything to get rid of this boredom.

Mikey suddenly had a memory come to him, from long ago.

——FLASHBACK————

It was early, and Mikey was hiding. They were playing hide-and-seek(with a twist) and Raph was the seeker.

He heard the oldest brother approach and started to giggle, covering his mouth so he wouldn’t be heard.

But, it was for not, as Raph heard the muffled sounds.

“Aha! Found ya’!” His young voice echoed.

“C’mere!” The Snapped called, pulling the still-giggling Mikey in and scratching his sides.

“Ehee! Rahahahahaphie!! Stahahap!”

“But this is my reward for finding ya~!”

Those were always fun.

——END FLASHBACK————

Mikey felt a smirk grow on his face. “What if we play hide-and seek like we used to as tots?”

Leo, Donnie and Raph all nodded, but the ladder quickly whipped his head around to face the youngest with a questioning look.

“With or without the twist?”

Mikey’s smirk grew and it was all the answer they needed. “You guys have 20 seconds. Use it wisely.”

They all scattered in different directions and Mikey started counting down loudly.

He could tell he was growing a ler mood as he counted. Like a yawning hunger only the laughter of his family could satisfy. (A/N: is this at all accurate to ler moods? I have no idea)

As soon as he yelled out, “ONE! Ready or not here I come~!” He eagerly went out on his search.

He searched throughout the lair, looking(and listening) for any signs of his brothers.

And eventually, he heard something. Quiet muffled giggles coming from underneath Leo’s bed.

Ah, such a classic downfall. Mikey snickered and dropped down the the floor, spotting Leo underneath his bed.

“Really, Leon? Under the bed? You’re smarter than that!”

“Shuhuhut ihit tihihiny!” The slider giggled out.

“Oo~ name calling?~ I hope you know you just made this so much worse for yourself.”

Mikey smiled as he spoke, pulling Leo from under the bed and grabbing his knees.

“MihihiKEHEY! DOHO NAHAHAHAH-“

He got cut off by his own laughter as Mikey moved down ti squeeze at his thighs.

“Oh~ can you not handle the tiickless~ Tough luck!”

“OKAHHAY I GEHEHET THEHE MEHEHESAGE!”

Mikey halted his attack and stood up. “You’re lucky I have two other turtles to find!” He called with a boop to Leo’s snoot.

Leo stood and walked to the common area to wait, giggling quietly. Both from leftover phantom tickles, and at the knowledge that his older brothers were about to suffer the same fate.

Mikey continued his search, and it didn’t take much longer till he found Raph in the bathtub with the curtains closed.

It was one of the only hiding places that could fit the poor guy! Could you blame him!

“Found another one! Man you guys are dropping like flys!”

Raph sighed light-heartedly as he climbed out. “Just get it over with.”

“Whatever ya say big guy!” And without another word the youngest started to scribble against Raph’s spikes.

The snapper burst into loud laughter at the feeling, squirming slightly.

“Aww~ your spikes always were so ticklish Raphie~”

The oldest’s face dusted red at the words, but he didn’t respond.

“Nothing to say~ that’s okay!(A/N: Rhyming!:D)

I’ll let you go now~”

Raph stood up all the way and chuckled to himself before going to join Leo in the common area.

Now Mikey only had one victim remaining, and he had a feeling he knew where he was.

Y’see, Donnie had this.. habit… of hiding in his lab under the table. Why? Mikey didn’t know. Maybe the comfort of familiarity? Maybe because he knew they wouldn’t forget to look for him if they knew where he was? It didn’t matter.

What did matter was that Mikey was heading to check there now. He didn’t sooner because Donnie doesn’t always hide there, sometimes he spices it up. But, Mikey hadn’t seen him yet so he just knew that was where the soft shell was.

Mikey walked into the lab with a call, “Donnie~ I know you’re in here~”

He perked under the lab table and saw a familiar face underneath it.

“There you are~ get out of there!”

The boxer dragged Donnie out of his hiding spot, The soft shell fighting him the whole time.

This left an opening that Mikey took advantage of, shoving his hands under the genius’ arms.

Donnie barked out a laugh before falling into fast giggles.

“Tickle tickle tickle~”

“SHIHIT!- Dohont sahahay thahahat wohohord!”

“And you don’t say that word, mister.”

Despite the situation he was in, Donnie couldn’t help but be snarky. “Thahahahat wohohord!”

Mikey giggled at the sentiment, moving his hands down a bit to Donnie’s ribs.

“Silly goose.”

Donnie’s giggles died down a bit, and eventually stopped entirely as Mikey ceased his fingers.

“All done! You get to seek next! Too the common area!”

The two walked in the common area, where Leo and Raph were idly chatting as they waited.

“Oh! Welcome back!” Leo called.

“It’s my turn to seek.” Donnie spoke in a slightly threatening monotone. “Better start running.”

The three ran off again, and as they did so Leo whispered to Mikey, Donnie’s counting echoing over them as they spoke.

“What made you think of this game anyway?”

“Oh, nothing much, just a memory.”

“TEN! NINE!”

Mikey ushered off Leo to a different spot as he hid, giggling quietly.

Now they were making a memory.

———THE END————————————————

[ventrue-in-control]

Jackie Mczyne

since I never made one before cuz im bobo the fool

Name: Jackie Emanual Abdul Mczyne Pronouns: he/him they/them age: 25 forverer but 70 in total (30-7) Nationality: British-Tanzanian Species: Vampire (VTM) Clan: Ventrue Sect: Camarilla Location: Andover (primarily) and Swindon (secondary) Personality: egotistical anarchistic idiot Partner: @misericorsalvator Sire: @keeper-of-lions Notes: This man is a germaphobe and has a bit of OCD. Also can NOT handle physical toutch what so ever. If he was a bird he would be an impundulu

There are no specific rules for interacting with my blog! Just dont be focking racist cuz ill feed your kidneys to the dogs

THINGS ARENT TAGGED SO BE WARNED OF GORE BLOOD AND WHAT HAVE YA NOT you can of course ask me to tag certain things I will appologize because I may very well forget orz plz do remind me.

More rambles under the cut off

You've unlocked the extra rambles! congrats! Im so sorry as this may just be incomprehensible

first of all Hi! Im birdy, 24 years old, a black trans animator from the netherlands. I do da drawing and da makin of da gaymes. I stream on twitch you are always free to reach out to me here in DM's or else on discord The-Nerdy-Birdy#0918 <- JUST BE AWARE I was terrible social anxiety and I may be slow to respond THAT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU PLEASE KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU Im just silly :3 and have my moments. I promise ya tho I love to talk and ramble.

WITH THAT OUTTA THE WAY MY BOI OH HOW I LOVE HIM SO HE CAN SOMETIMES BE A BIT OF A BITCH AND I AM SORRY. HE CAN BE MEAN. ITS JUST A CHARACTER THOUGH BUT IF I EVER GO TOO FAR LET ME KNOW PLEASE I DONT WANNA HURT NOBODY

anyways, quick summary about jackie.

Jackie went through a lot in his living years! going through the 50s to the 80s as a black man in the uk certainly was something! He used to be a genuine sweet and caring kid and now he still cares but hes very jaded by the world. He used to be part of the british black panther party and he has many opinions bout stuff and politics! but he has quited down quite a bit after his embrace.

he has a bit of a shortfuse cuz folk keep threathening him and hurting him so he is quite defensive. sadly he does not have the brains to see yet that he himself also hurts people and he should be a bit nicer to folk sometimes!

He cares tons about his friends and those who he considers fam. he does not enjoy seeing folk get hurt but.... if push comes to shove he will always choose himself. hes all he has. and all he can rely on and nobody is worth destroying himself over. atleast he'd like to think that. he does however often finds himself choosing his friends over himself and he hates it.

EHHHH FASHION WISE. He basically runs a GIANT company called SALMON which both makes ready to wear as haute couture. he is not the sole designer of it al. but he is most well known. he is a bit of a control freak with his company (not much better outside it either) so he will pick up more work than he should resulting in him always stressing about something.

he has many other companies also and a whole buncha other lore PLEASE ASK ME BOUT ME BOI HE IS ALMOST 10 YEARS OLD AND HE MEANS A LOT TO ME.

EHHH IDK WAT ELSE TO ADD SO U GET SMALL FUN FACTS!

Jackie is terrified of moths his handwriting is actually a perfect typewriter font he is really good at math! unlike me! cant see shit without his glasses was part of the british black panther movement HIS FEEDING RESTRICTION IS FOR ME TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIGURE OUT TEEHEE He wishes to become prince someday fave color is salmon of course.

HAVE SOME MORE ART OF HIM ALSO

HIS COTERIE BTW HOW COULD I FORGET! He is actually from a still active chronicle! though I most things on dash arent like canon lol In order the characters are: Tommy Riley Jackie Ada and Chris. they all hate each other and they has an awful time together :)

[hometownrockstar]

I’ve been wanting to read new books/comics do you have any suggestions? I wanna broaden my horizon and try out works I haven’t had the chance to get into!

yeah sure! ive been reading quite a bit lately, mainly horror and disturbing books/mangas so obviously trigger warnings for those ones i can elaborate on specific ones if u ask but i'll keep it short... iunno what specifically you might want so i'll just shoutout my favs recently

Berserk has been the latest manga ive been reading, probably one of the hardest ones to read bc its VERY sad and disturbing but is an incredible story nonetheless. i am not phased easily by written stuff but berserk was the first thing to have a scene that i had to look away from so proceed with caution... Berserk is interesting bc it has Nietzschean tragedy themes and structure, portraying a world where evil and pain happens for no reason despite humans fearing not pain but pain without purpose, but it also holds a sense of compassion and realism to both the good and bad, exemplifying how Nietzsche saw tragedy as beneficial to enjoying and valuing the good parts of life. Sorry this got long but a lot of horror stuff i feel can be boiled down to "Super fucked up bad things happen in it" which doesnt give the whole scope of how a specific media might handle or portray it, so i wanted to explain how it feels to me, rather than just saying its gratuitous.

Something different is the manga Ultra Heaven! this was like finding gold when i discovered it, its short and unfortunately incomplete but i highly recommend it just for the incredible illustration work and playing with paneling and crazy mind stuff. its written by a guy who does drugs and often points to psychadelics as a heavy influence for his work, and its extremely apparent in this one. if you love beautiful artwork and surrealist mind-fucky narratives (like perfect blue or eva) then i cant recommend this enough.

ok i cant let this get too long ummm Animorphs! throwing a curveball but its still horror, just kid's cosmic horror. and war. and its really good, even tho i read it as an adult for the first time i loved it. actually rlly good commentary on the ethics and grey morality during war. Heres where u can download every book, the megamorphs and alternamorphs are required for the plot btw theyre listed in the order u read them in-between the series books.

A good horror/comedy manga is Franken Fran, i INSTANTLY took to it when i picked it up its my style of dark comedy exactly. i really liked black jack for the episodic chapter style, n this is like black jack but with dark comedy body horror and i love it :3

Back to books... I'll list these together, Come Closer by Sara Gran and Confessions by Kanae Misato. I stayed up all night on two separate nights reading these bc they had me hooked so well lol... I wouldnt call them horror, more like thriller/tragedies. come closer has a great writing style, its a rather sad book about a woman being possessed by a demon, really good sparse prose that emphasizes details. Confessions is just... u gotta go right into it, its GREAT. really intriguing style and premise, love the epistolary format, SO good with details.

The Melancholy of Anatomy by Shelley Jackson, short story compilation. i talked abt it best in this post so i'll link it

Bonding by Maggie Siebert is a great short story horror collection as well, the horror feels like aching and emotionally palpable in it, very well done one of my fav horror books ive read so far.

These next two things are about more abstract writing so dont expect completely clear narratives -w- but I read Amygdalatropolis by B.R. Yeager and i SUPER loved it but i might have to reread it a couple of times to get the hang of it. his newer book Negative Space has good reviews so i'll check it out soon but thats more of a grounded narrative, Amygdalatropolis juggles surrealist imagery, forum text, symbolic elements in a truly hypnotic way.

Umm finally i have been really into books of poetry by Sam Pink lately :)! theyre rather short and like some are more story-related but theyre absurdist and really like, good and resonating in a personal way, i really super enjoy it, i read You Hear Ambulance Sounds And Think They Are For You and a bit of Person and i like them a lot :)

[alyssalikestoreadbooks]

If Only I Had Told Her - Laura Nowlin

"If only I'd told her that I loved her years ago, then I wouldn't be here now.

Finn has always loved Autumn. She's not just the girl next door or his mother's best friend's daughter, she is his everything. But she's not his girlfriend. That's Sylvie, and Finn would never hurt her, so there's no way Autumn could know how he truly feels. 

Jack, Finn's best friend, isn't so sure. He's seen Finn and Autumn together. How could she not know? And how is he supposed to support and protect Finn when heartache seems inevitable?

Autumn surrounds herself with books and wants to write her own destiny―but one doesn't always get a new chapter and fate can be cruel to those in love. 

Told through three different perspectives, If Only I Had Told Her is a love story brimming with truth, tragedy, and the unexpected bonds that heal us."

Read Date - October 2024

Length - 416 pages

Genre - Romance, Contemporary Romance, Mental Health

Rating - 8/10

Stars - ★★★★☆

Notes - The start of the book was a bit slow, but it was a great introduction into seeing finny again after the first books original release a few years ago. I just read it a few months ago so all of this is fresh in my memory still. Seeing the glimpses of Finns point of view was a sweet thing that i think played out nicely. The way the perspectives are split into three is actually really cool. I caved when i first bough the book a week ago and read some bad (and good!!) reviews. Some people really HATED the three-part-pov thing. I think it’s very creative, and i’ve personally never seen a book laid out in this manner before. It’s smart. I really do like finns perspective, though. Getting to see the relationship through his eyes is opening in a way i didn’t expect. He ALWAYS loved her, and he fell first and hard. Unrelated but related to the book, I’ve sort of falled in love with morally grey characters like “accidental” cheaters (there is no accidental cheating btw but you get my drift) who are just like finn, who have girlfriends but are romantically engaged in another person. This could be physically, like finn, or even just romantic feelings. It’s morally grey. It’s up to opinion. I hate cheaters in real life but in media i find them very fascinating and dynamic and i think it gives them a lot of character they have to grow from. The reveal that Autumn didn’t know he loved her made sense for me. After reading the first book, we know she settled for Jamie. She didn’t love him the way she loved Finn, the way Finn loved her. They were both blinded. I kind of think Finn and Autumn are perfect together, and make so much sense. If i’m being honest, i dont exactly remember jack as a character from the first book (as i said, its been a couple months) but i like whats being depicted of him in Finn’s chapters. I also saw that people were upset that Jack gets his own dedicated section, so we’ll see how that plays out. The confrontation scene from sylvie was strong and needed, especially after the cheating. She handled herself very well, which is almost not accurate, but there WAS anger there. It was just..well handled. The accident makes sense with the rain, but i don’t understand why the death... was retconned? I always imagined he died IN THE CRASH from the first book. Maybe im a bit illiterate, or maybe it’s just been a couple months and i forgot. there’s a lot of maybes. maybe Laura Nowlin just wanted a better explanation for his death, and a thrown wire explains it. At least, thats the only thing i can explain “electrocution” for. I’ve finally decided that Jack’s chapter was an important part to include. Sure, he’s “just his friend” but its an important chapter of grief that shows how EVERYONE is coping, not just jack. Finns story ended short. Autumns story is about pregnancy. But Jack? His story is the one about the aftermath. It was needed. Necessary. This book would’ve contained TOO much had it not been split up the way it was. The grief is strong throughout this book, and i think it was beautifully written. The way people handle it differently, and the way all react is so poignant. The way Alexis gets Friend Broken Up with by Sylvie was so justified. I feel like, personally, Jack could rely on Sylvie if she allowed it. it’d give them both a chance to grieve before leaving for college. The reveal that everyone doesn’t really want to be friends with Jack after the accident is a shocking reveal, but it makes sense because they’re all just processing in their own way. The talks of Jack having to go through college without Finn are so tough. Usually when college students are upset, its because theyre homesick, they miss family, or they want to go home. It’s hard, but Jack’s is different. He just wants Finn back. Brett and Jack bonding together was so sweet for me. Brett sharing a similar story with his twin brother dying helps him connect with Jack, when previously, jack just thought he was an asshole. Autumn attempting suicide was another darker moment in the book, and the reveal that she’s pregnant made it 10x darker for Jack to process. He see’s pieces of Finn in autumn, and if she died, it’d be like the rest of Finn dying. It’s selfish, but it’s true. The end to jacks part was sentimental, and sweet. The reveal that Autumn is still struggling even while pregnant is, again, tough. Autumn choosing to keep the baby for herself and not just finny was a strong moment to include, and i’m shocked it was if im being honest. I didn’t think the topic of abortion would be addressed at all. The dynamic between Angie and Dave is... interesting.  He’s kinda toxic. I like that Sylvie is supportive, and doesn’t blame Autumn. I know she IS to blame, but so was Finn. And she was mad at finn, not autumn. The therapy sessions are also interesting and i’d like to see how it progresses. Autumn likes her therapist but doesnt exactly vibe with the people all that much-- yet. I like the dynamic between Brittaney and Autumn. They make a good grouping of people, but i dont know if i’d call it a friendship. They’re just there for each other. The reconnection between John and Autumn is cool to me because he genuinely seems to be trying as hard as he can, while still failing. It’s his fault, and it’s not his fault. It’s very hard. The baby having a hole in her heart feels very symbolic for me. People die, and you cant stop it. Your children, the people you love, your friends, everyone dies, and if we see risk everywhere, we’ll never outrun it. She’s missing a big piece of her life (this baby) and she’ll have to learn it from those around her. Jack and Sylvie getting together was my DREAM SCENARIO!! if you remember, i SAID THEY WERE PERFECT!!! I like how the book ends with Autumn still in therapy, still depressed, but working through it. She has this big support system, and eventually, a baby. It’s very sweet. 

[calumhoodgoss]

re: arzaylea accusing the friend group of racism or whatever, just reminded me of a phenomenon that I feel like you kinda have to live to understand but as a fellow aussie you'll probably get more than most: and it's that sydneysiders are fucking bullies

and i mean like insults being the norm, in ways that comes out to look like, for example, far worse racism than what actually happens, and there's a lot of lateral racism especially coming from poc but also that weird comradery of living in the same area too. same way in which queer and neurodivergent folk i grew up with use the worst slurs against both those groups but then are also out there tryna help it get better. idk, that's just what I grew up with and my area wasn't too dissimilar demographically from where they were, working class areas with people with a lot of generational baggage all trying to interact together. and if anyone wouldn't get it it's if you grew up a poc in the usa where conversations about activism happened a lot earlier and are a lot more performative, and from a rich family. like obv we haven't really been taking seriously anything she's said in that era (which on principle I hate treating anyone this way btw, but i'm also protective of luke and sometimes it's just not the time to pick apart everyone) and sometimes it's best to just move on from it all

but in case it does come up, I know this (what I've described above) isn't really the image they put out but 7-9 years ago they were a lot fresher out of oz and you can tell by the way they used to interact with each other. and i feel like i'm always defending the boys and yes there's always gonna be areas they're not exactly role models in but i've seen far too many 'racism' allegations that pick apart wordings of things said by them and their circle rather than look at the bigger picture culturally, and how we all come from a background of racism we're trying to unlearn collectively (which I feel like aussies get rn as we scramble to understand Indigenous rights and reconciliation) and then there's also the fact that no one ever acknowledges the fact calum's half Maori and it would impact him and his experience with all things colonialism and race. and they all do care about him, they care about sierra too--rant's almost over but i just wish we had better conversations about how to actually unlearn racism together rather than just accusing each other of being racist when it's like, no one's completely innocent but the only way things are ever gonna get better is if we all do the work as part of a movement and stop picking each other apart (especially in culturally insensitive ways) and infighting. anyway. disgruntled aussie I guess. i'll get back to real life activism and leave arzaylea alone

very interesting concept. i definitely agree to a certain extent that the cultural difference between American and Australian humour could not be bigger. i feel like over here (particularlyin middle to lower class groups), there is a general understanding between friends that things we say as jokes are not our true feelings on the matter. rather, we discern whether someone respects us through their actions and tone. we very much have a culture where everyone is on the chopping block, no matter what culture or hardship you have

i can totally understand though that these are not the same underlying nuances in America. and the boys not having known that could have said or done things that caused actual harm to people. was that their intent? probably not, but the result is what matters. i have no idea how those situations were handled or how those conversations went; but the least we can expect from them is that if they said something insensitive theyd own up to it and make a conscious effort not to make the same mistake again

yes its a cultural difference for sure, but it doesnt completely absolve them

i dont know the full situation and as you mentioned, arz has been widely accepted as an unreliable source. so who knows how they truly act and what their real attitudes are, but this is an interesting take and worth mulling over for sure

[c03xistentw01]

yo

ayo i goooootta write i gootata write.

Its kinda embarrassing now idk what to say. so today when it was raining and i was walking in portello towards mensa with michele and we were both under the same umbrella guess whom i saw yes ofc the one i always see alone when im with michele: Giorgio. He always has this worried/upset look that I think stems from a lack of friends to hang out with on a saturday night. He seems quite harmless tho. anyway.

during lunch michele kept asking me about traditional ways of eating/dining in iran. he was like so do u guys have actual traditional meals i was like yea there are like stews with rice. he was like so is it just that? how about desserts? how about drinking coffee after/before meal? how about aperitivo before a meal? what are the products that we here in italy imported from "your country"? at some point he was like so yea this one time i was out i had this saffronish dessert with some marmelatta on top of it or he also said one time (or maybe some time when he goes out for eating) he might order some pasta and idk tbh? i lowkey felt like after the dessert thing he kinda expected me to be like so yea btw where was that one place to went to for the saffronish dessert? and he would like oh yea it was xxx i be like oh damn fr? he be like yea fr if u want we can go together once and and and andd....wow. people are actually patient with what they want? like are we sure that they exist? [yes. u just saw one today.] so like.....people don't just give u a poem they wrote for u 2 weeks ago on the first time of hanging out? like oh bro fr? deymn brother.

i miss you. ehem ehem.

anyway. i went to the lab afterwards. but no.

before that i went to math and it was a rainy day. at the entrance i saw soldier looking at his broken umbrella with so much confusion. swinging the bare empty handle in the air. all accompanied with so much confusion. the whole time i was looking at him i was about to throw up cuz he so damn adorable its unbelievable.

after that i went to lab and after making myself promise that when stefano was like yes for the meeting "absolutely" I'll be there today in the lab, it means that he would "absolutely" be there so imma wait until as late as it can get just to get answers. and i did and i was blessed with his emergence. he had his umbrella or hat or sth in his hand. he said "hiiii" with a really lovely tone tbfr and was like "i put this (pointed at this hat/umbrella) for a second then I'll come back" and he legit did come back in a second. he came and sat next to me and bro has zero notion of personal distance (which ehem ehem tbfr? kinda um? kinda um felt kinda um? NoIcEEEehemhehmhem?) anyway bro legit came sit like a hurricane and got too close his legs were touching mine and imagine me who's always overwhelmed over simple fucking existence of mere beings, was trying to run the fucking tiago shit. which i did in the end. tbr at first i tried to move away my legs away a bit because i was like maybe he did it cuz he dont have enough space left so i did it move my legs away but my BRO IT DID NOT WORK? so then i thought ok maybe if i continue doing it he be thinking this one lil weirdo is doing wtf? so i stopped and tried to focus on the tiago shit. i dont remember much more. he was like ok do this do that he gave me the big image of my thesis once more in detail and then said something like that what u achieved until now with moving the whole robot and shit is good and all dont panic and all u aint no behind my child. and was like the lil reports u send every now and then are good keep doing those they will come in hand when u wanna write the thesis itself. and bro. when we were talking while seated, i felt weird about his head. like his head and hands looked way bigger when up close. and also eyes ehem eheme ehemehere. i couldn't tell whether they green or brown or hazel.

yea that was it. lowkey intense. u can use that as the starting point for a future hentai plot.

also on the way out i almost bumped into daniel (fusaro). he said oh scusa...ciao!!! (cuz he saw me leaving) i said ciao but then i saw him bumping into the open window and dropping his notebook on the floor i turned back and was looking at him he said a posto i smiled he left. u know what i like? the fact that he felt the need to reassure me that it/he era a posto. man how much i liked that.

[update]: HELP. my virgin-ass has not been having it AT ALL OK? I can so NOT pretend like I did not get turned on. ok? I've legit had 4 0rga3mz in the last 36 hours and I'm just...helpless. I was trying my best not to google you. AND not to daydream which i successfully FAILED at both. so apparently u were doing your [continuous?] master's at Polimi from 2011 until 2017 so that makes you 31/2ish? you went to EPFL and ETH Zurich ... oh fuck it. i just learned on my intensive Facebook cyberstalking journey that you are in a relationship (and seem to have been since around 2011ish?) and tomorrow when i regain my emotional strength I'll get back here (i go die slowly, thinking of how you were playing table tennis naked).

anyway. what i mainly wanted to say is that the fact that you were so comfortable being physically close to me stems from (as a result of at least 48 hours of intensive deep analytical-hierarchical reasoning) the fact that you are so highly sure of YOURSELF that it can not possibly even BEGIN TO MEAN anything to you. While me, on the other hand, was so acutely unsure of myself that i kept keeping my distance. but hey, it could be worse. I will still have (hopefully) such small physical interactions that well, as we all know by now, can not mean shit to you and to me, they have the full potential to brighten up even just a bit, this current doom and gloom era of my life. I think I do feel privileged to entitle myself to seek (not desperately) this occasional pleasure. To not essentially feel the closeness, but to notice myself enjoying the satisfaction of adoring you under the hood. [update]: I was so sad a while back i wanted to be shredded to pieces and vanish into thin air. I wanna let go of fear so bad but the more you try to run away from it the more it catches you instead. Ethical or fucking not, we are declared fully free to think whatever thought we want right? This weekend I felt loved and thrilled to the core. I felt loved because I felt like I could simulate what it could be like to receive it from you. I kept tweaking the parameters in my head to align my imagination with the "most probable" scenario. It was an oscillatory stochastic process but it was worth it, i enjoyed the short ride, with "you". The memories of the brief frenzy still smoothens my ever-shaky soul, puts it at ease. oh man. how many times did i imagine kissing you or nervously running my fingers on your neck grabbing your waste and feeling my legs between yours but above all, how many times did I try to make myself feel "accepted" by you? enough times i bet. no matter how free we appear to be in our own "mind castles", I was still way too unsure to give in to my vulnerabilities with you. Although I did not deprive myself from feeling like I'm a kite being flown by you. Keep flying me don't let go of the leash can't get enough of the height or the wind or the view oh the view for sure most of all . .

... scusa ma ho troppo sonno ok

[elysiuminfra]

OK HIII here’s what i originally wrote before tumblr decided i couldnt post this. oh hi. ngl i got scared seeing this suddenyl pop up i thought de fans were going to GET me for that one but no i can explain. btw thank u for being thoughtful and respectful i appreciate it this isn't about kim's character at all. i feel like ppl would hang me if i commented on kim's character because i have seen people suibait over de discourse. i think the writers clearly understand systematic racism and the impacts of it. however . the worldbuilding on the other hand..... so seol (the country seolites are from, aka the fantasy equivalent of asia) is described as "protectionist and isolationist", which off the bat is very iffy because if we're talking real world correlations this is like, kind of a historical stereotype about japan and china. ppl talk about it being only a japanese and korean equivalent but a lot of the in-game discussion is very much about historic misconceptions about china. further reading: look up anti-chinese propaganda from the british colonial era and youll see the similarities in how seol is talked about in-game there are very much real-world correlations between the cultures of disco elysium. Iilmaraa, for example. many of the names (bashir being a group of people in iilmaraa) (a notable person baring the name samir) have direct correlations. these examples are of arabic and sanskrit origin, and certain people of iilmaraa are noted to participate in fasting and wield scimitars, both things correlating to real-life arabic culture (fasting being, yknow a major part of muslim holidays) (and the scimitar having been a common tool in those countries and further turned into a symbol). also digging into this specific lore and portrayal of arabic culture is like umm questionable too but like it definitely deserves its own separate post for it. my take so far is that its bad anyway seol specifically. its not... a "specific" asian country or represenative of a single culture in asia. it has like, traits of many many different asian countries (china, japan, korea) but then uses names that are korean and japanese. like it doesnt have a real-world correlation beyond "asian". becuase it just mixes everything together. kim's name for example. kim is a common korean name, kitsuragi is a japanese name. BOTH of these names are described as being seolite. the writing itself does not give you any insight into the country beyond "exotic and isolationist" which i guess is the point since youre in harry's brain and harry is like, racist already (another trait fans like to ignore apparently) but this like.... just kind of shoots itself in the foot because we do not see any discussion about seol as a country beyond racist misconceptions. so like ????????? hey de writers whats going on in there. why are you portraying an already generalized country in a way that doesnt even give any insight into anything beyond "it sucks and people are right to dislike it." but like u do not need me to tell you that korea, china and japan are all very, very diffierent countries with very different cultures (INCLUDING a history of colonization, exploitation, and imperialism of the korean peninsula). which leads into the point like. grouping all of these cultures together and generalizing them is.... ignorant at best, downright racist at worst. like i think its extremely irresponsible worldbuilding to take aspects of very very different cultures and throw them together because theyre all in asia. like i think the game is very good at handling how racism impacts people. but it still falls into the fantasy worldbuilding problem of treating asian cultures as a monolith, which is in fact a very common problem.  no one is immune to racist fantasy worldbuilding like dont get me wrong. i like disco elysium ( a normal amount.). it does something new. the way it treats addiction and mental illness in particular speaks to me, a mentally ill addict. but people really need to think before they praise the game fully because despite its strengths it is still deeply flawed and falls into the regular pitfalls of racist fantasy worldbuilding. long story short: the anti-racism game is still racist guys and i think we should talk about it more without killing eachother over it. because the behavior of a lot of disco elysium fans has caused me to believe that some of them are just not normal about it (literally they are maiming eachother in the poorest little meowmeow polls right now its crazy) (also the way i see almost everyone treat kim as a character) i kind of dont think you can claim to be anti-racist if u dont even stop to analyze the racist writing of ur favorite games. and given the fanbase of de i KNOW ppl call themselves leftists in there but like this is just my take on it and its not even an original take. i also fell into the hole of blindly praising disco elysium without analyzing its racist writing before i actually started listening to criticism about it and actually doing my own research. anyway shalom hava good one

can you expand on that (about disco elysium)? I’m not done with the game yet (a little less than halfway thru but I don’t mind spoilers) but I was under the impression that the world building was meant to reflect reality and the reason you have the options to be racist and fascist is bc that’s a part of the world and a part of Harry and you also have the option to be communist and everything. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I just would like to hear you out! no pressure to respond if you don’t feel like getting into it though. I understand it’s not fun dealing with fans who will go all out defending what they enjoy regardless of morals.

hold on im just testing this rq bc its likterally not letting me post this ask

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Am I the only one who doesn’t get why some (tw) are shitting on Haru and Rin separately just for the fact that they reciprocate each others feelings? Because it’s not the feelings they wanted them to reciprocate? Just curious because I'm new and recently entered the fandom. And since when miscommunication in between means that they don't deserve to be happy at the end? Because you're an idiot when it comes to love, doesn't mean you're a bad person. I came from chinese bl and it's weird to me.

Hehe welcome to the madness, perfect time to join! Yeah, tbh that's the thing in the fandom that always bugged me the most. The fact that some act like if you don't reciprocate someone's feelings, it makes you a bad person. I always found it incredibly cringy when ppl in real life for example make ppl feel guilty for not feeling the same way and make you feel like shit bc of it. I don't get why you have to apologize for that or feel bad, if you never ever gave him any hope or anything in the first place.

Nowdays it's thankfully a rare sight already in this fandom, bc most already grown and see perfectly what's truly healthy and unhealthy, it's just tbh only the same 3 accounts ppl keep sending me that are still on that, who also think that Haru is literally possessed in the last movie so I don't see the point of like arguing with ppl like this. It's just they're always getting extremely angry when Haru wants Rin as if it's his fault that he feels this way and always go about it like he is inconsiderate of Makoto's feelings. Implying that they're mad that he doesn't feel that way about Makoto, while Makoto does. I'm same as @tododeku-or-bust for example said here (idk what fandom brought this on, but just in general) also do not get what's appealing about this kind of relationships in the first place.

If they shipped it in terms of like it's mutual I'd get it, but they go on about how Rin or Haru are bad friends bc they're not in love with their best friends... like ?????? I didn't know you owe it to your friends to have romantic feelings for them.

In real life if you found out that your bestie feels that way for you while you don't reciprocate, it's a burden, that'll make you feel uncomfortable and at times guilty when you shouldn't technically feel that way. So putting on someone a burden of "I was pining for you all along", when you know they don't feel the same is giving me this feeling of cringe. So I personally do not get what's enjoyable at seeing it like that in Free. But to each their own kink lmao.

It's like... is Haru at fault for the fact that he was Ikuya's first love too? I do not get it really. Like he doesn't have to take responsibility for everyone who falls for him and he doesn't owe anyone to reciprocate their feelings. Even to Rin. Like if he didn't feel the same way for Rin, it wouldn't be his fault either. But since he does feel the same way for him, it's like... good, great, happy for them.

Like once again if someone believes that Makoto and Sousuke are unrequitedly in love with Rin and Haru, that's not rinharu fault. Haru literally never ever lead Makoto on EVER. He never ever did anything that would make Makoto believe that they're more than friends. He was always honest about everything. Like when Makoto thought that he went out to see him, but Haru just wanted to see the sunrise, he told him just that. He never encoraged anything, he refused to live with him and never wanted. I do not get why it's supposed to be his fault that he doesn't like his friend in that way. If Makoto has some unrequited feelings for him and decided to hang up on this, it's his own life choice in my opinion.

It's like saying that Onodera and Takano for example don't deserve to be together just because they unintentionally hurt each other and got separated for 10 years bc of misunderstanding. This argument is like typical Yokozawa life position aka "but I was there when he left you heartbroken for several years, that means you MUST pick me". As I've said before, that's just not how it fucking works. And just bc they couldn't explain things to each other normally, doesn't mean that they don't deserve be happy now. Being idiots is not a crime.

Or if you came from chinese bl, lets go "Guardian" for example. Zhu Hong also was on about how "why you love Shen Wei, not me, I always did everything for you and I was always there, I even wore heels bc you once said you liked those etc". Like he never asked her to do this, he never gave her any hope, he was beyond rude and open about the fact that he's not interested, he never did anything to make her think she had a chance since the beginning. Just bc she decided to dedicate her life to false hope that maybe one day something might change is not his fault. It was her choice. Why Yunlan should feel like shit bc of that I do not get personally.

I'm just buffled bc like Haru for example is the most caring about other ppl's pain person, but they call him selfish and rude bc of the way he is with Makoto at times, not even realising that it IS in fact what means being kind sometimes.. to not give someone a chance when you know you don't feel it. I was always saying this like since forever, being kind doesn't mean for example giving everyone second chances, loving everyone, wanting to be friends with anyone etc. In some situations it's not being kind, it's being stupid or even not being a good person. Once again... offering someone friendship after he openly dissed your friend and you see that he's not in any position to talk back is not kind. Or if someone cheats on you constantly, but you always forgive them it's also not you being kind. It's you being stupid. Sometimes you have to be harsh. It's for the greater good.

And like I saw several times stuff like someone under scenes where Rin has his eyes for Haru only, commenting like "oh great, look at Rin being inconsiderate of Sousuke's feelings again. Can't believe you guys find this romantic." I mean, if in their opinion Sousuke is in pain from being Rin's friend, he can end it, it's his choice. It's not Rin's fault that he thinks of him as just his friend. So thinking that Rin is an asshole bc each time he simply hangs out with Sousuke he's a selfish bitch is fucking insane. I'd feel extremely bad if my best friend was seeing it this way for example. It's like hella ugly.

This annoys me also bc of the fact that Rin, the person who at the age of 12 single-handedly saved his family from falling apart after his father's death, who's an amazing friend to Sousuke and did everything to make his happy after he found out about his trauma and always checks on him first and cries about his shoulder, who in the late evenings taught Rei to swim, when everyone else gave up already xD, who was looking after Nitori during his training, who pretends to walk the same road, just because he's scared to let Gou return alone in the evenings, the most amazing son and brother, is suddenly an asshole just because Haru is in love with him, but not with Makoto. I mean, thats just... huh? Like I dont mind you ship what you want to ship, it's like to each their own crayons for real. But like dissing them and call them selfish just bc they only see their friends as friends and don't want anything more is weird to me.

As for the fact that bc of the misunderstanding they don't deserve to be happy, that's just idiotic. I mean, lets punish Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan too just bc Lan Zhan couldn't voice his real feelings back then and bc WWX misunderstood him. Lets ship WWX with Wen Ning instead. Nezumi is cancelled, he doesn't deserve to be with Shion. He left him. Takano should stay with Yokozawa, Onodera is trash. Wu Xie is trash for wanting to be with Zhang Qiling too. It doesn't matter why he leaves, it only matters that he always does. I can't believe he doesn't see that Pangzi is there with him all along xD. What an ungrateful trash of a human being I can't even.

And anyways btw both Rin and Haru are not ideal human beings in any way (otherwise I wouldn't love them this much tbh xD). But their flaws are definitely not what for example mh shippers usually blame them for. You can argue about their other imperfections easily. Like being stupidly stubborn for example. I won't point fingers here, Haru lolz. Or literally anything else.

My point is you can find what to trash them for logically, if you wanna. Do it smartly tho. Otherwise you make your ship look bad.

And I once again say what wise person said about his relationships and about the fact that not being able with someone he loves hurt him and 'why is he doing this to himself' he answered: "it's not on him. my happiness and my pain is for me to handle". Everyone decides for themselves. This is why for example Haru was so broken about voicing this to Rin and didn't have any intentions to tell him that in the first place. Bc it's not right, if you're not sure that it's requited. Technically he has no right to blame Rin for making him fall in love with him and then leaving in the first place. It's not Rin's fault really, that he made him feel what he feels for him, it's ultimately Haru's problem. That's why he feels has no right to blame him in the first place. I mean, he doesn't know that Rin feels the same, that means saying to him "you break my heart each time you leave" and making him feel bad about it is technically wrong. That's why Haru to himself said "no, please, don't say such things to him". Everyone for himself decides who deserves your 5, 7, 800 or 10000 years of your pain. It's your decision. It's your life. If Haru feels like Rin is worth it, then you have no say in that matter really. The only reason we call Rin an idiot or Haru an idiot is because we know they feel the same, so we can. But blame someone else for not feeling what you're feeling is not right.

So like even if you feel like Makoto and Sousuke have feelings for their friends, blaming Haru and Rin for having feelings for each other and not for them is beyond weird. And there's nothing wrong with putting someone you love first, every bro/sis gets it. You can say bros before hoes all you want, but like Lan Zhan might just drop his bro for his hoe, if he was given a choice. Would it make him a bad person? The fact that Wu Xie chose to save Xiaoge before Pangzi makes his a bad person? My point is it's not all that easy.

I just feel like many ppl in this fandom are very weird about many things. Either because they do not get what it's like to go through some things or maybe they just do not get that no matter how cheesy this sounds love is not that simple. I mean, for example not all selfish is bad, sometimes like in Haru's case for example not being selfish is also bad. Bc if he finally asks for what he wants, he will make both himself AND Rin happy.

To be angry at Rin bc of the aftermath of his father's death and s1 I never had it in me, after knowing everything and how adults handled it. If some of Sousuke's fans bc of Yakusoku and the fact that Rin found his salvation in Haru bc he helped him to move forward after getting his family out of this hell alone and that Haru was the safe haven that made him happy in this moment of his life, want to trash Rin for the fact that he "neglected" Sousuke, its like your opinion. I personally do not get it. Rin doesn't owe Sousuke anything. It's not his fault again that Haru's existence helped him to feel better.

Just like not everyone will get why Haru in 1x12 was so happy about the fact that he could help Rin. To be that special somebody for someone who can "save" you in moments of your life like this, especially if you love them is an incredible feeling. And no, your bestie isn't always the person for this job, no. I don't see why people do not get that I guess, that's all. But we all have our own opinion on everything, so...

We same as you do not get it since forever, but its like it is what it is in this fandom. I personally just have another life position on stuff, so I'm very far from that point of view they have.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

The Wrong Way to Put Out Fire

I wanna talk about some details about Touya, Todoroki family and the different situtions Touya and Shouto had.

Touya is introduced us as innocent, nice kid who just wants to enjoy his father.

Thats actually first difference we saw between Touya and Shouto. Sometimes children fond of one of their parents more than other one. For Touya, he was daddy’s boy. Shouto is more like mommmy’s boy. (Even their clothes are parallels. Fire, ice. Daddy, mommy.)

And let me say this;

This marriage was wrong to begin with. Quirk marriage, the fact that Endeavour decided to put his ambitions on his children is wrong.

But as a first born, for Touya, his family was normal. Children dont magically understand what is right or wrong.

He simply saw that he got his father’s attention and it made him really really happy. Training was the bond he had with his father. Touya’s thoughts probably like; I am daddy’s son, my father is really happy when i become more strong etc etc.

Even he realize his family is different from other people, he probably simply thought that it might be different but its their thing. This is why we saw Touya as happy. Touya felt special when he got his father’s all attention.

And Touya saw his mother is okay with it. He probably saw that many times even when father being disrespectfull, mom doesnt seem to mind that much. This is probably why he starts to looks down on his mother too. Its just children dont respect adults who dont respect theirselves. If child think he can get away with it, they would simply do it. Mommy allows daddy to be the boss of the house, mommy allows daddy’s to be disrespectfull to herself so its ok to disrespectfull to mommy too. Thats how children think in those situtions.

What was Shouto’s difference then?

Shouto as last born, he never think his family is normal or this sitution is okay cause when Shouto is born, everyone in family already starts to break down. Mommy wasnt okay at all.

Endeavour put his own ambitions on Touya’s shoulders, he gave him impossible expectations which is literally name of the chapter. Wrong way to put out the fire. Those impossible expectations is abuse, btw.

Everything started cause Endeavour put out fire on wrong place, his family.

And after Touya failed, he was thrown away. Touya probably felt like; his father took him to the highest hill of the building, made him feel special but then threw him down.

Touya started to get the attention he had at first place to the point he started to burn himself over and over again. Look at how terryfying he looks when his brothers were born...

At this point, he understand he is replacable which made him question why was he born at first place.

Of course, Touya wouldnt listen Endeavour when he said ‘there is a life outside of being a hero’ cause Endeavour himself doesnt live his life like that. Children arent stupid, they observe adults’s actions too. Endeavour’s words condract with his actions thats why his words didnt reach out to Touya.

Touya was in a lot of pain to the point his heigh stopped growing (Look how he is shorter than his siblings), burns himself, his hair starts to change probably cause he used his quirk too much, he even starts to pull his hair which is sign of suicide. He was literally small kid who was mentally breaking down and he expressed his pain every way he can do but he was ignored.

Fuyumi-chan didnt understand him. Natsuo-kun doesnt listen him either. (Touya thought Fuyumi-chan didnt understand her cause she is girl but the reason she and Natsuo doesnt understand is they didnt have the same expectation at first place.)

And mommy is at fault too cause she is the one who allowed daddy to raised him like this at first place. She is the one the accepted this marriage, she is responsible too.

For a child, to be understood is very important thing but they didnt get it. He realized his siblings dont understand him. Even though, Touya was so mentally unstable to the point he attack his baby brother, his parents still didnt get him help or didnt specifically take care of him, instead they constantly ignore him. They kept telling him to forget what happenned and look other way.

This is exactly why Touya couldnt hold on something else cause in deep, he knows only way to be seen is prove himself.

For Touya, his mother didnt there for him. His mother allowed this to happen too. This is why his situtions are opposite of Shouto’s.

Touya thought family is normal, his daddy loves him, this is why training was fun.

This is why he end believing everything Endeavour taught him. Even he uses same words, literally in same chapter.

‘I live in different world from others.’

Shouto realized family isnt normal and father is the one who make everyone unhappy. This is why he hated training cause he realized father is forcing him.

For Touya, mother wasnt there for him and ignored his pain.

For Shouto, his mother was there for him, this is why she became his emotional support.

This is also why Shouto tried to protect mom cause Rei at this point was really in pain and she was reaching her breaking point. Mommy is there for me, i love mommy but dad make mommy upset, dad is the bad guy here.

Meanwhile for Touya, he didnt really see his mom as sad, he saw her being okay with sitution, thats why he probably think that the way Endeavour treat her as normal cause she accepted this sitution.

All those opposite situitons made them think opposite way. Not because one is good or bad, its just they had different kind of abuse. (Also hair symbolism is nice parallel too).

Though despite opposite situtions, they were also similar too. They were so cold child soldiers who only think about getting revenge from father, just opposite way cause Shouto has.

Touya waited his father to come forest to watch him but Endeavıur didnt come until Touya was burn to death.

Touya’s death wasnt just an accident but its both also suicide and murder. Touya was suicidal, he kept burning himself but parents didnt look at him and Endeavour is the one who push him this mental state. Even Touya says himsef;

 ‘After all, the only  thing he taught me was how to turn up the heat’

Touya had to burn and reborn to get daddy’s attention again but even after his death, he was hardly mentioned by his family. I mean if Dabi never become a villain, they wouldnt even discuss this case as family.

And i honestly dislike how Todoroki handle this sitution.

Rei says everyone is responsible but Shouto, Fuyumi and Natsuo were children, its not their fault. Rei is at fault for not being there for Touya and Endeavour is the most at fault for making Touya mentally unstable. I hate how children carry the mistakes of Endeavour, it wasn their fault.

And with their talk, they made it sound like Shouto is better than Touya cause look, he became a hero and he forgave them!

I mean, Shouto didnt have much choice cause Endeavour forced him to be a hero. Even Endeavour wasnt there, Shouto had emotional support (mom) and inspiration (allmight) to be hero, he also has strong qurik so no wonder he can be hero, you know. But Touya didnt have any of it. He didnt have emotional support, inspiration to be better or strong quirk.

Not even need to mention how both Early-Shouto and Dabi obsess with revenge, cold child soldiers who dont pay attention to people around them. Just Shouto was in better environment and then he met Deku and he started to heal.

Even Shouto saw himself in Dabi, how he could be like him but he was lucky to be saved. Even their wound smbolically shows their pain. For Shouto, it was boiling water but for Touya, it was very strong fire that will burn him to dush.

Yeah, Dabi is villain but even so. To Deku, Shigaraki is completely stranger but he still thoguht that he needs to be saved. Meanwhile, Todoroki family knew what happenned to Touya. They are personally involved with him but i found it weird it how they didnt mention about ‘saving him’.

I mean maybe thats what they will try eventually but still....i think heroes are good, villains are bad sitution contnues even in this sitution cause they say Dabi is the one who needs to be stopped and Endeavour is the one who take a hand.

Shouto needs to offer that hand to Dabi, not Endeavour cause the one who needs to be saved is Dabi/Touya, not Endeavour. 

Not to mention how Best Jeanist and Hawks coldy listen sitution.

I guess, even after this, they still dont really look at Dabi’s pain cause if they saw it, at least they would talk about helping him more than stopping him...what a tragedy.

Touya, after everything he had been through is still ignored, even by his own family, remind me of Tenko’s sitution :’))).

[kamil-a]

using the last of my monthly wifi allotment to gowlandpost

dont worry it resets on monday. also this is mostly extremely scattered thoughts/tweet reposts sorry my brain is still a little fuzzy i wish i had the sharpness to do him justice rn but ah well

-you’ll forgive me won’t you, sister vs ‘do you think you can be forgiven’?

-i’m thinking about how alice's happiness in this ending depends on deciding for herself that lorina moved on with her life and would in turn forgive alice for moving on with her own life. she needs that guarantee. because as she’s said, she feels a responsibility to *something*, and a feeling of “i must not become happy”... she needs to imagine her sister allowing her to be happy, giving her permission to be happy. 

-"im going to pretend im being actively kept from seeing her cause she lives far away" and this are neck in neck for "REALLY REALLY CLOSE TO THE ROOT CAUSE". lorina is chilling and partying in the golden land, guys, its fine,

-also. i wonder if gowland has been an outsider’s guide before tbh? he seems to know a lot about the subject but speaks in a "you guys-" sort of way so i dont think its his own experience. maybe the previous outsider he met went home at the end...

-or, HUGE brain theory: baby gowland was baby blood's guide. im sure this ones definitely impossible im just saying words right now but it explains why blood knows gowland's deadname and why gowland knows so much about being a guide . but im just saying words i KNOW it cant have happened [telling myself not to get attatched to this one]

-i think the talk below is directly a talk about "escapist fiction enjoyment vs cruel reality". its been a loooong time but its bringing to mind the nitw "just shapes" bit, about mae realizing her favorite characters werent real and meaningless in her depressed state- an alice that chooses to fully throw herself into reality won’t give meaning to a pleasant dream. and he’s almost correct, but not quite- she chooses to wave it away as a dream in the truth ending not because it seems less important to her in comparison, but because she can’t handle that real live people were nice to her of their own free will.

-GHHHGHH SOMEBODY MAKE THIS CHOICE FOR ME SO I CAN NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. i REALLY wish we'd gotten this spelled out so clearly in blood route, actually, it would have made his ending click into thematic place really well (begging for the choice to be taken away from her -> him pressuring her into marriage -> she got her wish, yknow?)

-alice has been unearthing some big future-memories, but she does inevitably hit a point where she can no longer access certain things. she has the emotions all there, but the events they relate to are locked away. OOF. why DOES she feel the need (but not the want) to go home, indeed...

-btw i paid extra attention this time- its still a bit confusing for me, but i BELIEVE her ‘current’ self refers to her repressed/regressed self, and her ‘present’ self is the self that’s been through all of her experiences. obviously this is a matter of translation and i cant speak for the original feeling, but i do like that its ‘current’ and ‘present’ and not ‘past’ and ‘future’.... like, both of these words express being in the here and now. she’s all of them.

-YOU DONT EVEN HAVE ANYBODY WAITING FOR YOU, RIGHT? gowland oh my god. you got it more than you’ll ever know.

-i’m talking about this a lot in terms of what gowland does for alice, emotionally, because it’s her POV, but i think its also important to point out that he’s really attached to her and gains a lot from her!!! he enjoys her personality and is really distressed at the idea that she thinks its all a dream. the idea of “well id never really date you but if im in a zone where its all fake and my consequences don’t matter..... then, okay” is particularly distressing to him, and i totally understand why. he was having a rough time those last few events and i totally empathized ;o;

-i cant believe how much i enjoyed this route mnvnmvjvjhfvjhfvjh

[izzyliker]

Hey, asking you this as nicely as I can but can you give the immediate victim blaming a break. The absolute lack of respect you have for the people tmc abused is genuinely disheartening. Yes, he’s a shitty person, you’re entitled to hate him but immediately going “well you should’ve seen it coming earlier lol we’ve been saying this” is just ASTONISHINGLY shortsighted and cruel. Have your opinions about him and the situation all you want I would just ask that you please keep it to yourself due to the many many people he’s hurt that are still on here and can see you disparaging them.

ok, that is not what i have been saying. "well you should've known" is not an accurate summary of my feelings on this matter but apologies if thats how it came across. i have been in an abusive relationship where the person did a lot of the same things and i, too, defended that person without considering how it impacted other people. i almost lost my best friend because of how i acted as a result of keeping him in my life while people around me kept telling me to get tf out. i know.

what i am is im frustrated and annoyed by how long people were willing to publicly and passionately defend this guy while apparently fully aware what kind of shit he was doing to other people, many of which is detailed in the callout itself, and how this is now being framed as news. before the document itself was published all me (or anyone) had to go off of was vague posts that amounted to a "callout trailer" and almost all of the information on it was shit that was 100% completely public knowledge. 20+ people being aware of all that goddamn stuff and not one of them publicly stopping associating with him is frustrating. it comes across as spineless and yes, like one anon told GD, gaslighty (although i have my own issues with this being used on a large scale instead of in interpersonal relationships but i understand where they were coming from). his lesbophobia, transphobia (strange that none of the transphobia towards trans men was mentioned?), and panphobia/aphobia/biphobia were widely documented and seeing that on a callout post as if it were news was extremely tiring.

ive since read the callout. the interpersonal actions seem to have been horrible but sadly im not surprised (by which i dont mean "and neither should you" but rather. my spidey senses for this sort of behavior are pretty accurate most of the time and i did see this coming. this isnt me saying im Better than these people or that they shouldve as well but rather that i have learned to identify people of this genre.) by any of them.

also im 75% sure this is tumblr user GD. hello. if not then apologies, its just that the typing here is very similar. if it is, i think you trying to both take accountability for this and process whatever it is youre processing at the same time on tumblr is a bad idea and going to just lead to people feeling hurt and betrayed because while i truly do see where the reaction is coming from (like, truly, i understand, believe me), if you say "i take responsibility for how i acted while being manipulated" but then when people voice their negative feelings you tell them theyre victim blaming you it is going to reflect poorly on you. i dont think you understand how many people were absolutely hurt by the enabling you and your large, massively popular group of friends did for him, including the MASSIVE defense rant you typed up in defense of him when someone sent an ask to the bi jon event about him being panphobic and aphobic. whether its fair for people to expect you to immediately go into depth about it is questionable but dont invite people to do this when you obviously cannot handle it (i dont mean this in a bad way like "oh you should handle it". i mean genuinely this is how you get burnt out and possibly worsen possible future trauma. by trying to immediately placate people without having the mental resources to do so.)

i think the "we dont condone these views and never did!" without ever specifying what they were or doing any other work there is a lazy fucking cop-out. your circle was/is massively popular and a lot of people took all of you as authorities on stuff like headcanons and respectful portrayals of certain characters or identities to the point of accepting your meta as canon (something you havent really dissuaded ever), and associating publicly with someone who would constantly do this kind of shit and then defending him publicly while also positing yourself as an authority isnt something you can just "oops! we never agreed with him!" yourself out of. GD & TF specifically, you are massive blogs. you are babys first TMA blog. people in your askbox hurt and betrayed by this shit are not necessarily there to victim blame you. they are there because they trusted your word when they said "hey seraf reblogged anti pan and anti ace and weird transphobic posts" and you said "seraf is one of my dearest friends and would never do any of those things and im personally offended youd even imply that." i think you dont understand the real life consequences of the massively popular posts and sentiments he made & published and that you helped spread (despite apparently knowing that he was being a massive hypocrite and bigoted towards those groups or identities in his personal life). obviously interpersonal abuse/conflict is going to be "worse" but dear god i hope you collectively understand that "oh btw we never endorsed his views" is a massive copout and a shit apology for the hurt this association and endorsement caused. tmc has been terrorizing this fucking fandom for months with his bullshit and bigotry and you have not been passive bystandars but active enablers.

anyways, hope everyone involved gets to uh, heal i suppose, but i think expecting the people who seraf suicide baited, the groups of trans men he misgendered, the people who he targeted and harassed, the genuine fucking long lasting dysphoria he caused real people to have over his shitty takes re: transness and dysphoria, and the general shit behavior he was allowed to keep up with zero pushback from anyone in his circle of the fandom to drop all the anger or frustration they have for the people who enabled him and defended him aggressively is... unrealistic. and makes you look bad. especially when the doc doesnt even clarify which opinions you still support.

[scalproie]

hot rod....

until I finally rewatch the movie and because you specified hot rod im going with the most fresh in my mind aka cyberverse roddy. Btw did you know that the only reason hot rod was absent from tv shows for so long until recently and was replaced by both bumblebee and smokescreen as the "reckless young bot who is lowkey the successor to optimus prime" character was because hasbro couldnt secure his name for toys. crazy.

favorite thing about them: love love LOVE his voice and his design, his laugh is unbelievably cute and his usual red is sooo good but the black-ish red has a special flavor to it. Love his flamethrower gimmick. His characterization is also very... cool, not a single obnoxious bone in him which you MIGHT expect from characters like him but NO, just a really cool good guy with big brother vibes. That's why he's also a bit more "mature" than you'd expect. Then there's him being a lot of the focus during the most interesting part of the show and having a really compelling arc about being put in a leadership position and how to handle it, and the show handle it really well. I'm always happy when he's on screen.

least favorite thing about them: this is literally not his fault, and this will forever be my grievance, but GOD I wish he was still a major player after the quintesson arc was done. If only cyberverse had been allowed to go on for longer.

favorite line: HDKSHDLS IT'S NOT EVEN A LINE PER SAY BUT IM ALWAYS THINKING OF THAT LITTLE "... oh." HE SAYS JUST AFTER BEING STABBED. IT SOUNDS SO GENUINE.

brOTP: aw man with bee, they have massive brothers vibes. And they work amazingly well on trios too so you can add cheetor to that list. I also love his relationships with the quintesson squad, if only there were more time dedicated to them and seeing them interact, but special mention to my girl clobber because now that was an unforeseen friendship that they managed to sell in little time, their dynamic was really fun.

OTP: take a wild guess it's with soundwave. Idk I feel Ive made my case enough already. I really felt that one.

nOTP: lol okay I dont. Downright hate anything here, its either not my thing and I'll dont care for it and ignore it. BUT if Im allowed to be mean for a second... because back in the mtmte days I was SO unimpressed with drift and with driftrod... I know it was sad/bad/whatever for comics fan but I really was like [WHEEZE] at that whole situation with drift. cyberverse really was for me I'll miss it so much.

random headcanon: he doesnt NEED to do the cartwheels to transform, we've seen him transform without the cartwheels, but he just really likes doing those. Also, post-finale, I think he would continue on his journey and become as popular a leader optimus was, and be one of the best autobot/decepticon ambassador, and encourage bots and cons cube players to mix to make new city teams. I also think he would listen much more to music, and naturally, supervise soundwave's memorial statue, even buff it every once in a while with the help of willing clones, and laugh at the situation.

unpopular opinion: I know he was never planned at all since the beginning and I know Hot Rod didnt need him and I liked that Hot Rod did his leadership journey without needing the matrix BUT cyberverse Hot Rod was extremely deserving of the matrix and I wouldve liked to see him... Rodimus...

song i associate with them: this is a bit harder to think about for cyberverse Hot Rod but "The Phoenix" by Fall Out Boys, "A Star Is Born" by Cheryl Freeman, and "Interplanetary Spark" from sega sound team

favorite picture of them: there is A LOT but. look at my boy just hanging out :)

[morizoras-cave]

Big Smile (Request)

Tom Hiddleston x Teen!Co-star!Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff

Request Description: maybe some Tom Hiddleston who is close to reader cause hes like her mentor and shes a very happy person, goofy and silly as well but nothing can make her cry. Like, it's genuinely hard to make her cry so maybe him seeing her cry for the first time? and it's pretty bad? maybe its cause she goes to a normal high school along with a catch up high school (basically a school where u go to if youre SERIOUSLY behind) and the pressure is way too much for her to handle and her emotions exploded? ty!!

Warnings: depression, anxiety about school, stress

(A/N): im very excited to be going on vacation!! dont worry ill still update, im just going to another city nothing too big (of course with the ‘rona still out here). I wrote like half of this on my phone btw so if anything looks weird that’s why

“Why would you say it like that?” you laughed loudly, falling back on your bed. Tom giggled too, watching as you got into a laughing fit.

“I’m just demonstrating that you can say each line differently!” he defended, but your laughter didn’t falter. Tom smiled and shook his head, waiting for you to be done. “Can you hurry that up, we have a couple more lines to go through,” he joked.

You held your stomach and shook your head. Finally, the laughter died down and you tried desperately not to start it again, as Tom continued helping you with the script. You forced your mouth into a frown, but that only reinforced your need to laugh. 

Tom looked and saw your expression and sighed, making you laugh again. 

“This is impossible,” he muttered, but he was smiling. He thought you were so incredibly sweet and bright, although lacking a little seriousness. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” you finally stopped laughing AGAIN, “we’re done. Those were all the lines I had questions about.”

“You sure?” 

“Yeah,” you said and both of you stood up. Tom grabbed his jacket and his bag from the counter of your hotel room. He smiled at you and hugged you as a farewell. 

“See you on set tomorrow,” and then he was out of your room. You smiled softly thinking about how much fun you two had, but the sweet moment was over far too fast. 

You had school. You’d never been a top student or anything, but before this whole movie-thing you’d been able to keep up. A couple of weeks ago you started Catch-Up-High-School, which you’d been required to start, since you grades had all dropped. 

And since then you’d felt awful. You felt so stupid and useless. And on top of that, you were stressed. With both regular high school teachings and catch up school, you seemed to spend every waking moment working, either on the movie or on school, and you’d only sleep once you were done. Which could take a while. 

It was getting to you. You were phenomenal at hiding it, truthfully. Because your personality was too bright and blinding for anyone to see anything behind it. 

You weren’t one to cry, but you felt it behind your eyes, constantly. All day, when you remembered your school situation, it started coming. You never cried, not when watching movies or reading books, you didn’t even really cry when you were sad. The stress was simply getting to you. 

You pulled out both your math books, both regular high school and catch up high school, which you had neatly tucked away when Tom came, and started doing your assignments for the day. 

Your head hurt, as you did it, and it was so hard for you to understand. You wished you could ask Tom for help, but you couldn’t tell him. It was simply too embarrassing. ‘Hey Tom, I’m too stupid for regular school, please help?’ What would he even think of you?

You hadn’t even done your assignments for long, when you started crying. You were just writing the answer to a question, when a tear slid down your face. You wiped it away as quick as it came and continued. 

But so did your tears. You cried silently as you worked, ignoring them, eventually not even wiping them away. You were just trying to get through it, chewing through your lip. 

Just as you failed to figure an assignment out, your pencil broke on the paper, and you threw it away from your, putting your head in your hands. Then you sobbed, and you weren’t trying to ignore it, you were doing it. You were sitting there, and all of your focus was on the seemingly never ending stream of tears from your eyes. 

God, what kind of person are you if you can’t even do your catch up school work? You felt so unbelievably heavy, heart wrenching and tingling. 

Meanwhile Tom had hauled down a cab, making it about a third of the way to his meeting, when he realized he’d left his phone at your place. He sighed and asked the driver to drive back to your hotel, knowing he’d need it.

Tom drove back there, and then stepped out of the cab, telling the driver to wait for him. He entered and pulled out his keycard. Your room had had two keycards and you’d given him your second one, which had made his heart melt. 

He walked down the corridor, reading the room numbers, and then reached your door. He grabbed the handle and scanned the keycard, effectively cracking open the door.

And there you were. Tom blinked rapidly, refusing to believe that that was you, so immersed in your own crying that you hadn’t heard him come in. That couldn’t be you, not the smiling, laughing, happy Y/n he knew. You were sitting there so dark and alone, hugging your legs and wailing. 

You never cried. Never. It had gotten to the point where him and his coworkers had discussed it, whether you were some robot or something. But you were crying. You were alone. 

“Y/n?”

His voice made you flinch and you didn’t have to look at him, to know you’d exposed yourself. You, although knowing it was useless, wiped your tears, before raising your head.

Tom was heartbroken. He’d never thought about how he’d actually feel once he finally did see you cry. But it was such a gut wrenching image, something he could feel in both his stomach and heart and throat.

“What’s going on?” He asked. You shook your head. He simply stepped inside and saw your regular high school math book, immediately knowing you were probably stressed. “Do you need help with your homework?”

You laughed bitterly, another tear sliding down your cheek. Tom walked to you, sitting down next to you, so he could wipe away the tear.

“What’s wrong? Come on, talk to me.. What happened?” He searches your eyes.

“I’m just stressed, Tom, it’s stupid,” you avoided his gaze. Tom knew it wasn’t stupid. If it was you wouldn’t be balling your eyes out.

“So, let me help you with it,” He heard how his voice was shaking.

“Tom, no.”

“Yes-“

“No!”

Silence. Tom pulled away from you. He was simply shocked. You weren’t you. He closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, voice breaking, as you started crying again. When you yelled at Tom, you felt your heart withering. What a horrible feeling.

“I’m sorry for yelling. It’s just- I feel so useless. All the time. I’m failing school! I mean, for God’s sake, I have mandatory catch-up-school. Do you know how embarrassing that is? God, how can I be so stupid?”

Tom finally understood why you were crying. Why you were so stressed, why you were crying like that.

It was tough.

“You’re not stupid, Y/n,” you immediately shook your head at his attempt to console you, “You’re not! I’m serious. You’re smarts come from your understanding of people, and your talents in acting and everything you love. Not from your schoolwork. Your grades are not your worth. You’re the smartest kid I’ve ever met! I mean it.”

Your crying turned to sniffles and you finally nodded. You agreed. You hadn’t felt so sure of yourself in a long time. A small smile found your lips.

“Thank you, Tom, I-I really needed that.”

“Oh, of course, N/n,” he mumbled and pulled you into a hug, burying your head in his chest. You wrapped your arms around him.

“Now my offer still stands. Do you want my help doing the homework?” This time you nodded, and the two of you spent the rest of the day doing all of your homework.

When you were finished, you apologised profusely, but Tom just smiled and said he’d do it any day. Every day onward while you were working on that movie, he’d ask you after shooting if you needed any help, and always insisted it was his pleasure. With Tom around, you never had to feel useless again.