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s-and-n-writes · 4 years ago

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another long day

crimson and bluebell: part two

summary:

Marinette Rossi is tired of everything: from Lila’s constant berating and Madame Rossi’s preferential care of her ‘angel-like’ daughter, to how everyone at school (even Alya) seems to believe her evil stepsister over her.

It’s like she’s Cinderella, except without the fairy godmother and the happy ending. She doesn’t even have a prince.

Or so she thinks.

Between the appearance of a new boy who seems to have captured her heart, and a gala run by her fashion idol Gabriel Agreste, Marinette hopes for an escape the constant ignorance, workload, and bullying she endures, and get a blissful life of her own.

With the help of one tiny god and a meow-velous partner, she might finally get a chance, but not everything is that simple.

They say ladybugs are lucky, so will being the elusive Ladybug bring Marinette the luck she oh-so-desperately needs?

quick links:

< previous chapter | first chapter | next chapter >

| miraculous masterlist | series masterlist |

a/n: so hi again, it’s me, n! im so so so sorry that i didn’t post for a long time, school caught up with me and everything’s getting v stressful these days. regardless, my new year’s resolution is to post more of these, and i’ll actively make an effort to do that hehe, in the meantime, enjoy!

also i’m appalled at the fact that this was 15 pages long and took more than a month to write how are you doing

Marinette had thought that the whole coffee spill, glass breaking fiasco would be relatively easy to clean.

She was wrong.

It takes her all of 10 minutes to clean up the glass, and another 20 minutes to try and clean up the coffee.

Key word: try.

Marinette ends up at school 30 minutes late, the coffee-stained carpet rolled off to the side at home, effectively ruined. She hasn’t even thought about the cracked glass table yet, which she hid by placing a tissue over top of it after Lila left.

Needless to say, all of this puts a little bit of a damper on her day.

As Marinette walks up the staircase of Francois Dupont, the school she goes to, she spots Alya Cesaire inside. Alya is Marinette’s closest friend, and despite having moved to Paris only a year ago, it feels like Marinette has known her for their entire lives.

“Girl, girl, girl…” Alya sighs as Marinette walks through the doors. It’s a free period, and students litter the area. Marinette spots Lila walking with one of her friends on the other side of the school, and luckily, Lila doesn’t see her.

There’s one good thing about school that Marinette adores: she doesn’t have to see Lila. Lila’s always had Madame Mendeleev for homeroom, and Marinette’s had Madame Bustier. Because of this, their schedules never interact, which allows Marinette to avoid Lila for the duration of the school day.

“I’m so sorry!” Marinette pleads, running up to Alya and shrugging her backpack off her shoulder. “There was a coffee spill, and glass broke, and-OH GOD I MISSED THE MATH TEST!!!”

“Marinette, chill,” Alya laughs. “The math test got rescheduled, but Ms.Bustier is pretty mad about you being late,”

Marinette sighs. “That’s a relief,”

“But you still missed a lot of news~,” Alya says, singing the last word.

Alya aspires to be a journalist, so on the occasions that Marinette wasn’t late, Alya would give her anything and everything interesting she’d dug up that week.

"I know, I know," Marinette sighs, fingers loosely picking at her shirt again. The seams stay intact, but Marinette's mind doesn't. The coffee spill and the glass breaking is constantly on her mind; she's not sure what to do.

"Nice shirt, girl," Alya smiles, breaking Marinette away from her thoughts. Alya's good at that, and she notices when Marinette lets her mind wander, something that happens a little too often for her tastes. "Did you make it?"

Marinette bursts into a grin. "Yes! I used that gorgeous thread that Sabine bought last week for my birthday, you know, the one I kept talking about, and it was absolutely amazing! I had to make this! What do you think? Do you like it?"

The shirt is simple; a white base with flowers of varying sizes lining the edge. Marinette pairs it with her old, pink jeans (the fabric for the flowers on her shirt came from some leftover ones she had when making the jeans) and a dark-gray blazer that Lila used to own.

"It's beautiful," Alya smiles, "But hey, I’m more excited for you-know-who’s reaction,"

Marinette rolls her eyes, hiding her face as an involuntary blush rises to her face. "Alya! You know I don't like him like that!,"

Alya grins. "Just teasing,"

“Well, anyways, tell me what I missed during lunch, I’m off to the classroom, before Ms. Bustier comes looking for me,” Marinette smiles, turning and running up the stairs.

“Good luck, girl!” Alya says, waving goodbye and pulling out her phone.

The day passes quickly, and lunch comes sooner than Marinette expects.

She meets Alya outside of Francois Dupont, and they both head to Ville de Soirée, a cafe which isn’t nearly as expensive as the others in the area. They both order their usuals, and sit in one of the booths as they wait for their drinks.

Marinette sighs and leans back. “Ok, ok, tell me,”

Alya, who is most probably on the verge of exploding from her excitement, gears up. “Ok, so you know Nino, right?”

“You mean the boy you’ve been obsessing over since we met him?” Marinette teases. “Oh hey, I might have an inkling,”

Alya blushes, her cheeks tinting rouge. “Shut up,”

Marinette giggles. “Ok, go on,”

“Anyway, Nino texted me yesterday that his parents finally agreed, and he’ll be starting school starting Monday next week!”

“Ah! That’s so exciting! I’m so happy for you!” Marinette laughs. “Now you can actually make a move!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I’ll let you play matchmaker when the time comes,” Alya laughs, “there’s also something else, and this one I know you’ll be even happier about,”

The barista interrupts Alya, placing two steaming drinks in front of them. They both reach for their drinks, with Marinette holding the cup in her hand and Alya taking a sip. She grins.

“Nino’s friend, you know, Adrien Agreste, is also coming too,”

She pulls back, looking smug as she tries to read Marinette’s face.

The girl in question sighs, shaking her head. “Who even is Adrien, and why does everyone keep mentioning him to me?”

Alya facepalms, groaning.

“Girl, sometimes I swear you live under a rock,” Alya sighs, shaking her head. “How do you not know who Adrien Agreste is? His ads are literally everywhere!”

Marinette pouts. “Well maybe I just haven’t seen him,”

Alya rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Ohh no, there’s no way you’ve missed him ,”

She pulls up her phone and momentarily scrolls as Marinette waits.

“Here,” she says, “That’s him,”

The photo on Alya’s screen is from last February, Marinette recognizes. She remembers how Lila bought a copy of the magazine it came in, although she wasn’t allowed to see it.

But the boy is familiar. His face is similar to someone’s, but Marinette can’t pinpoint who it—

Oh.

He’s Gabriel Agreste’s son.

Marinette leans back.

“That’s Monsieur Agreste’s son! I should’ve known, how could I have missed it when Madame Rossi told us about him?”

Alya squints her eyes. “Wait what?”

“There’s a fashion show that Adrien’s dad is hosting, and the embassy’s holding a huge event to greet all the fashion officials that are coming. Madame Rossi got us all passes to go,” Marinette says.

“That’s the one my mom’s cooking for! It’s next weekend right? She would not stop talking about it all weekend. I can try and score a pass, to you know, keep you company?”

Marinette gasps suddenly, burying her face in her hands, “Ah! I forgot! I won’t be able to go, since Li— I mean I, spilled coffee all over our new carpet,”

Alya raises an eyebrow.

“Fine, fine, I cracked some glass too,” Marinette sighs, face growing redder. “Madame Rossi’s gonna ground me for sure!”

Alya shakes her head. “Somehow I can believe it. You are the clumsiest person I know,”

She nods thoughtfully, fingers closing around the fox necklace on her neck. “Well I can’t deal with the whole glass situation, but maybe I can help with the coffee stuff? Happens to my mom all the time,”

Marinette perks up. “Really? Would you? Oh thank you Alya!”

Alya laughs. “No problem girl, I’ll come by after your shift at the bakery,”

Marinette pauses. After work would be...when Lila comes home.

Alya has always been a fan of Lila, but despite knowing Marinette, she’s only admired Marinette’s less-than-wonderful sister from afar. This means that so far, Marinette has managed to keep Alya and Lila separate.

Does she really want to risk that?

Weighing in the situation, she sighs. Would she rather have a shot at attending a potentially life-changing event, or safely escape Alya meeting Lila?

Knowing the both of them, Marinette remembers, they’d be a deadly combo.

But Marinette really wants to go to the event so, maybe this time, she might just give in.

“Great!” Marinette says, happiness laced with fear. “That’s...great!

Alya nods, smiling, watching as Marinette giggles.

“Now about setting you up with Nino…”

Alya turns away, blushing, “Marinette!”

Today

Lie-la 😒: sup loser

Lie-la 😒: im going to the mall with my friends after school

Lie-la 😒: if my mom comes in early

Lie-la 😒: you know what to say

Lie-la 😒: type, maribrat. use those lousy fingers.

You: yea, sure lila.

Lie-la 😒: good.

Marinette sighs and pockets her phone. For today, she is safe.

And that’s all she has ever wanted.

Marinette’s day ends with her feeling happier than when it began. Alya’s coming over to wash out the coffee stain, Lila won’t be there when she gets home, and she’s heading to her shift at the bakery!

It’s normal for work to not be exciting to most people, but for Marinette, it always is. Heading to the Dupain-Cheng bakery is always the highlight of her day, and working there is even better. The owners, Sabine and Tom, are like the parents she never had, what with them spoiling her with all the food they give and teaching her how to bake. Customers even tell Marinette all the time that she looks strikingly similar to Sabine, but she doesn’t see it.

In truth, she’s only ever even thought about becoming a designer because of the Dupain-Chengs, and if it weren’t for their motivation, she’s sure that she would be in a much different place right now.

But that’s not what Marinette worries about right now. Despite school ending early and the bakery being right across the street from where she is, she still manages to be late.

She exchanges a quick goodbye with Alya, who chuckles at her frazzled state, and dashes off towards work.

“I’m here!” she shouts, running into the bakery, the familiar jingle of the store’s door’s bell ringing in her ears. “Sorry!

Sabine laughs as she hands a box of pastries to a customer, waving as they leave. “Just on time. Hello Marinette,”

Marinette winces as Sabine holds out her apron. “Sorry again, Sabine!”

Tom laughs from the kitchen behind the store, the sound booming through the bakery. “Marinette!”

“Tom!” Marinette says back, her lips curving into a smile.

Sabine eyes Marinette as she ties the apron behind her, quickly joining the older woman behind the counter.

“So?” she asks. “What’s new with you?”

Marinette sighs. “Not much, not much...oh! Madame Rossi has an embassy gathering to welcome a couple of famous people into France. And not just any people, people who work in the fashion industry!”

Sabine nods, smiling at Marinette’s delight. “And why exactly are these people coming?”

“It’s for the Gabriel event. I don’t know when it is, but apparently Gabriel Agreste is holding a huge gala, something about searching for a fashion assistant?,”

Sabine perks up at fashion assistant. “Marinette, you should enter!”

Marinette gasps. “I couldn’t! There’s no way! I mean, my designs are barely adequate, let alone Agreste worthy!”

Sabine shakes her head. “Everyone knows that isn’t true. Don’t put yourself down like that!”

Marinette blushes. “Thanks Sabine,”

The woman smiles. “Well, anyways, are you allowed to go to the embassy event? It’s a great opportunity, you wouldn’t want to miss it,”

“I mean, Madame Rossi did invite me and Lila, but Lila spilled a bunch of coffee on the carpet, and cracked the dining table this morning. It’s all a stunt, she did it on purpose. She’s blaming it on me, which means I’ll get grounded, and I won’t be able to go, and you know there’s nothing I can do about that,”

Sabine sighs, placing a hand on Marinette’s shoulder. “Oh dear. The next time I see Lila, I’ll tell Tom to get that girl and her mother arrested!”

Marinette laughs. “As much as I’d like that, where would I live?”

The rumble of the oven from behind the store dies down, and Tom walks into the main room. The room seems friendlier all at once, his large personality filling the space.

“Here, with us,” he declares proudly. “You’re like a daughter already,”

Marinette giggles, her cheeks growing red. “Alright guys, we’ll see,”

Sabine and Tom laugh as Marinette runs away to help a customer. Their afternoons with Marinette pass by quickly, and while they wish it was longer, you know what they say: time flies when you're having fun.

By the time Marinette gets off her shift, it’s 5:30 in the evening. Paris’s sky starts to fade from its normal cotton-candy blue to a marmalade orange. The hustle and bustle of the busy streets start to die down, and once she texts her address to Alya, Marinette makes her way to the bus stop.

While her time in the bakery is her favorite time of day, her time on the bus doesn’t prove to be too bad either. She likes the quiet silence, and enjoys her time away from the world around her.

The bus is probably her favorite mode of transportation (but her only one as well). When she volunteered to work at the bakery after school, Madame Rossi decided that ‘the streets were too dark at night for Marinette to walk alone’, and she was given a bus pass.

It was a small and random act of kindness that Marinette wouldn’t ever get again. It was also the only gift she ever got from her adopted mother, and despite not being too fond of Madame Rossi, she did treasure the gift.

Madame Rossi paid for her bus rides until Marinette was actually hired at the bakery. It was then that she decided to have Marinette pay her own bills, an action that most certainly helped Marinette for the future.

The sound of tires skidding against the pathway jolts Marinette out of her thoughts. She turns to see her normal bus waiting in front of her, and grabbing her bus pas, waits in line behind a couple others to get on.

That is, until she sees what’s about to happen.

Marinette watches as a man across the street tries to cross. He’s old, as his grayed hair and aged face tells, but his most identifiable quality is the red Hawaiian shirt he wears, embossed with a white hibiscus floral pattern.

Besides that, there’s also a car coming straight for him, and though it’s a little while away, there’s no doubt that he’ll get hit.

Marinette does the only thing she can think of. She runs.

The street is narrow, and Marinette manages to pull the man across the pathway before the car comes. She huffs, turning to the man to smile.

He has an odd look in his eyes, lips curved into a mysterious smile as Marinette quirks her eyebrow.

“Thank you, young lady,” he nods.

“You’re welcome!” she smiles, turning to look at the bus, which has started leaving. “Goodbye and stay safe, sir!”

The old man watches as Marinette just manages to catch the bus, stopping it and shouldering her backpack as she climbs on.

Marinette seats herself as the bus starts once more, and turns to her window to look for the old man.

But by the time she does, he’s gone.

Alya gets to Marinette's house at just the right time. When she reaches, Marinette has done a couple of her chores, cleaned up the living room, and put out the carpet in the first floor bathroom. Against the white rug, the coffee stain is obvious, and Marinette sighs as she inspects it.

How were they ever going to get it out?

There’s a knock at the front door, and Marinette knows it’s Alya. Smiling, the girl heads to the living room to open it.

Alya gasps as she sees the house. From the marble kitchen to the hickory-brown wood flooring, everything is pristine and clean, as if the Rossis live in a mansion.

(They don’t, but the house is still fairly big. Marinette sometimes has to clean it all as part of her chores, but luckily that hasn’t happened in a while.)

“Dang girl,” Alya sighs, “you rich or what?”

Marinette nervously laughs, cracking her knuckles. “Uh, I don’t know,”

“I’m joking,” Alya smiles. “But, random thing, where’s Lila?”

“She’s out. Doctor’s appointment for her, um, wrist,”

“Aw, that’s too bad. Tell her I said get better soon!”

Marinette sighs. She doesn’t like lying, but it’s far better than what would happen if she told the truth.

“Yea. Anyway, how are you getting the stain out? I tried all morning, but it was stuck,”

“Just watch me, girl,” Alya smirks. “Before we start though, you already blotted the stain,right?”

Marinette furrows her eyebrows. “Blotted? What do you mean?”

Alya demonstrates with her hands. “Like, did you take a paper towel and try to get as much of the stain out as you could?”

Marinette nods. “Yeah, that’s why I was late this morning,”

Alya nods. “Ok, so now we just have to make the cleaner,”

Marinette raises an eyebrow. “Make? This is getting a little crazy,”

“It’s really not,” Alya laughs, “I’ve done this a thousand times before. My sisters knock over my dad’s coffee way too much,”

Marinette laughs. “Alright then, show me what to do,”

Alya makes her way to the kitchen, filing through multiple cabinets. “Where’s your dish soap?”

“Bottom-left drawer next to the sink,” Marinette points.

“And your white vinegar?”

“Fridge. Anything else you need?”

“Just water,” Alya replies. “Warm, that is. And two cups of it,”

Marinette nods. “Got it,”

Alya takes out a steel bowl from one of the cabinets. “And can I use this?”

Marinette nods again. “Go ahead,”

“Great,” Alya says, pouring a spoon of dish soap followed by a spoon of vinegar. She waits for Marinette to get the water before adding that in as well, and then mixing. “That should do,”

“Work your magic then,” Marinette laughs.

“Just watch and see girl, I totally will,”

Alya finds a cleaning rag from a drawer in the island, and she runs over to the carpet. “Grab yourself a rag, Marinette, and let’s get started!”

Marinette laughs, and runs over to help. The time passes quickly, and by the time the coffee stain is gone and the carpet is dry, two hours have gone by. Their hands are sore and their legs are tired, but both can say that they had fun.

In the midst of it, Marinette almost doesn’t notice when Lila texts her.

Today

— 2 New Messages —

Lie-La 😒: open the back door

Lie-la 😒: im right by my house

Almost.

“Alya!” Marinette gasps, both sitting on the couch after the carpet was rolled back underneath the dining table. “It’s so late, don’t you have to go at 7?”

Alya tilts her head, confused. “No?”

“Oh well then I must have said it,” Marinette laughs nervously. “Yes that’s right! I’ve got work, haha. Bye!”

Marinette practically pushes Alya to the front door, while Alya looks lost and puzzled.

“Didn’t you already have work?” Alya asks.

“Yep, but gotta save up for uni right? Haha. Haha,”

Alya nods, squinting her eyes as she walks out the door.

“Um, bye? See you at school, girl,” Alya nods, quietly laughing.

“Bye!” Marinette smiles. Once Alya is farther away and out of sight, Marinette runs to open the back door. She can faintly hear the sounds of Lila’s friend’s car pulling into the driveway, so she dashes back upstairs as fast as she can. The last thing she wants to do is talk to Lila, much less be alone in a room with her.

She hopes that Lila won’t try anything while she’s in her room.

Sighing, she smiles when she stops at the attic door, and heads inside.

Before Madame Rossi found her and decided to take her in (how she came to that conclusion, Marinette would never know), the attic was all set to be Lila’s playroom. The entire room was painted pink from head to toe (even the carpet was a light shade of pink). There was a wooden wardrobe for all of Lila’s toys, and a desk with markers, painting supplies, and coloring pencils galore.

But then Marinette came along.

For one reason or another, she was given the attic as her own room. Out went the ideas of toys and tents in the room, and in came Marinette.

Madame Rossi didn’t give her anything. From the age of 2 till the age of 4, she slept on the ground, the lack of a bed present to her each night.

Until Lila outgrew her bed of course, which was then given to Marinette.

It was simple. Since Marinette was smaller than Lila, and slower at growing, she was often given Lila’s old things. All the clothes that Lila didn’t want, Marinette had. From her bed to the old beanbag in her room (one of the only things Lila gave her as decoration) everything was a hand me down from Lila herself.

Marinette sighs, and then flops into the bed. She’s lucky that Lila doesn’t bother if Marinette doesn’t get on her nerves.

Hopefully, until she can get out of this place, she’ll manage without angering Lila too much.

Standing up, Marinette locks herself in the attic, a faint click of the door behind her, and gets out her phone. Opening up Spotify, she starts her playlist, and goes over to the desk.

For the next hour, she does homework and finishes a project, all while sketching out designs for new dresses.

And hey, if she’s lucky, she might just be able to make one for the gala.

Marinette shuffles through her desk drawers, pop music playing through her earbuds. It’s nearly 8 PM and she’s searching for the special gold thread she had bought a couple weeks ago. It cost nearly a month's pay, and she’s been saving it for a special occasion.

With the dress she was sketching, she wanted to know if it was now.

She’s still searching through the drawers on the left side of the desk when she finds a box.

One that she feels might not have been there before.

(Then again, she rarely looks through all her drawers, so there’s always a chance that it could’ve been.)

Marinette feels confused. The box is made of a dark brown wood, and shaped like an octagon. The top of the box is embossed with a red design. Glimmering red circles meet wavy, thin lines, but Marinette is preoccupied with figuring out what the box is for.

In the end, she decides to open it. There can’t be much inside, can there?

Turns out, Marinette is wrong.

The moment she opens it is a frightful one. In that second, there’s a bright flash of light. It swirls around her as Marinette gasps, dropping the box onto the carpet as two solid-black earrings fall out.

That’s not the amazing part of it all though. After a second, Marinette comes face to face with a spotted red creature.

Needless to say, she screams.

“Hi Marinette!” the spotted creature says. “My name is Tikki! It’s nice to meet you!”

“Mouse!” Marinette hollers, “Bug! Bug-mouse! Talking bug mouse!”

Marinette scooches back, her hand grabbing books and papers off her desk as she throws them at Tikki.

“I’m here to help!” Tikki says, dodging the objects. “I’m here to help you!”

“Liar!” Marinette calls, searching for more things to throw. “This must be Lila’s version of a joke ! I can’t believe her!”

She takes her water-bottle from her backpack, and quickly moves to trap Tikki in it.

“It’s ok Marinette, I won’t hurt you,” Tikki smiles. “But if this makes you feel better, then this is ok!”

There’s a pause, and then Marinette sighs and chooses not to answer, leaning back, and quickly grabbing her school tablet off her desk. She points it at Tikki, trying her best to look intimidating.

“Who are you?” Marinette asks, “and what do you want?”

“Like I said, my name’s Tikki! I’m a kwami!” the tiny bug says, (still trapped in the bottle but floating in midair, Marinette notes) “And I want to help you!”

Marinette sighs, lowering her weapon tablet. “Did Lila send you somehow?”

Tikki furrows her forehead in place of her eyebrows. “No? Who’s Lila?”

Marinette bitterly chuckles, standing and throwing her arms into the air. “This. This. This is why you can’t help me. No one can. Anyone who meets Lila thinks she’s an ‘absolute angel’, and no one else knows her. How is someone supposed to help me if no one knows that my problem exists?!”

“Marinette,” Tikki sighs, “I promise you, I can help, if you’ll listen to me. Please let me explain, and then you can decide if you want to trust me or not, ok?”

Marinette pauses, considering the situation, and sits a fair distance away from Tikki, keeping her tablet in her hands.

“Ok,” she responds, facing the little bug. “But you have 5 minutes,”

Tikki smiles again. "And that's all I need,"

quick links: < previous chapter | first chapter | next chapter >

a/n: i resolve to post the next chapter soon lmaoo, thanks for reading! have an absolutely amazing day, you deserve it!

taglist:

i’ll be tagging the people that i had tagged before, along with a couple others who liked the previous chapter for this series. if you don’t want to get tagged, i’m very sorry! just shoot me a private message, and i’ll take you off the tags. if you do want to get tagged, just tell me with a private message or an ask and i’ll add you to the taglist. thank you!

@reddragonofemeraldflame @nomiegnome @18markers @katbab @emmathedestroyer @bluesesameseed @cyborgcandy @karukofox21 @aestheticnpoetic c @magnificentcrapposts @miraculouslylee @lonestarfangirl2014 @lambdaarietis @miraculous-twilight @miraculous-twilight @silver-twilight @emmarosemary11 @whiterosequeen23 @whatschooldoesntteachyou @shaykaleen @itswelphereiamuniverse @seraphichana @ladynoirotphell @tinynuggetofterror @tinkabella256 @coopermaggie

#ml #mlb #fanfic #marinette-dupain cheng #miraculous ladybug #miraculous #adrien agreste #adrienette #adrinette #nino lahiffe #alya cesaire #lila rossi #lila rossi bashing #lila #lila exposed #lila rossi tag #marinette tag #crimson and bluebell

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kumoriyami-xiuzhen · 4 years ago

Text

Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Hajime Chapter #7 English Translation

My translation of the 7th Ginsei no Shou chapter for Saito... It’s probably because that this is my favourite chapter from the game and one that I found especially enjoyable to read (and had more of an understanding of it before getting translations for this lol) that I somehow translated this in record time when compared to all the other things I’ve worked on....

Unlike Kazama’s final Tsukikage chapter, the dialogue for this wasn’t all separated line by line in the CN TLs I found for the Saito chapters [NAMELY BECAUSE I WROTE EACH DAMN FUCKING WORD OUT FOR THAT CHAPTER], so some of the text in this remains lumped together. Also, huzzah for google translate providing the translations of place names since I wouldn’t have been able to translate the Japanese words that had been left in the original tl for this otherwise. I don’t usually make adjustments based on the original JP text until I start editing for the video... which will be done later.

All images used in this post were screencaps of game footage I recorded through vlc... also is it just me who feels that my English comes across as a lot more archaic when I stick to the original tl sentence structure...? lol. Anyway, as always, my translation may not be 100% accurate since I do not translate from Japanese.

PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR ANOTHER GINSEI NO SHOU SAITO CHAPTER... one that I do not intend to translate right away... well I also include it in a note about what chapter it refers too. lol. it’s right below the cut.

Enjoy~! OR ELSE! MWHAHAHA!!

(jk, lol. plus, i’m too lazy to think of anything. oh and im currently working on the subtitle positioning for this now as the file got transferred recently since i finished the first round of timing [i need to do this multiple times to get the fade in/out of my subtitles to match the timing of game text’s fade/in... or to at least have them as close as possible] before having all of these tech problems.)

--------------------

Forward Notes

Based on what I remember from tokio-fujita’s notes (sorry but I didn’t check since im kinda busy rn, and the internet on my laptop is kinda unstable as I’m still transferring files... 17.3 gb remains from the dramas transfer) on Saito’s position in the Shinsengumi after leading them to Aizu, I’ve left his position as taichou in this translation due to how the only English translation for that is ‘captain’ which doesn’t show a difference in roles from when he was the Third Division captain ‘kaichou/kumicho’ [note to self: include this along with the link to the page in the post description later. also i will probably just change this to ‘captain’ anyway when i do my subtitle video].

Chapter 6 and 7 occur in Aizu

Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Hajime Chapter #7

Translation by KumoriYami

7th month, 4th year of Keiou, after the Shinsengumi left for Sendai——

The Aizu, who had offended the Satcho were engulfed in the bitter flames of war.

When Shirakawa Castle was attacked, it would be a lie to say that I wasn't worried then.

Hijikata-san, Heisuke-kun, Shimada-san, and Souma-kun.

It was no longer possible to fight alongside the people who we deeply trusted since the beginning.

However……

I still have Saito-san.

Saito-san also me, although/even if/despite how I can't fight alongside him.

We relied upon one another, setting out for Shirakawa——

Shirakawa Castle, which had become the headquarters for my father's rasetsu—— we confronted him and Kazama Chikage there.

As Kazama-san had the overwhelming strength of an oni, if the fight was drawn out, Saito-san would have no chance of winning.

But, we still had....

Comrades we could rely on.

Even if [they] leave. Even if [they/they've] choose/chosen different paths.

As long as they maintained/followed their own bushido, everyone was still heading in the same direction.

I believe that as long as we moved forward, one day, our paths will surely cross again, and we will fight to the very end.

If only/I wish that everyone could see each other one more time, I could only pray that everyone would be safe……

Saito-san once again returned to the battlefield.

4th year of Keiou, 8th month

The Aizu Shinsengumi under the command of the Aizu, fought at the Bonari Pass——

After that, they fought bravely to stop the New Government army from entering Aizu Castle.

By the ninth month however, there were not many members left of the Aizu Shinsengumi, yet they still set out to defend/protect Nyoraido [refers to chapter 6] .

This is the story of what happened while I was waiting for Saito-san after he left.

Fourth year of Keiou, Ninth month

Saito-san and the other members of the troop left camp to protect Nyoraido.

Following his instructions/In accordance with his wishes, I accompanied the men who were seriously injured in battle to the rear of the formation.

Yukimura: Please wait a bit longer, I will treat you immediately.

Soldier:……At the most crucial moment, to be unable to help Saito-taichou, I'm terribly sorry.

Yukimura: ……There was no way you could, you are wounded after all.

Soldier: The taicho, is he really okay?

Perhaps it was because his wounds were too painful, that the soldier continued to weakly repeat himself.

Yukimura: Saito-san will be fine. He will surely come back alive.

In order to reassure the soldier, I spoke decisively/resolutely.

Yukimura: That's why, you need to focus on recovering right now.

Soldier:......Okay, I will.

Three days later.

The soldiers who had stayed in Nyoraido, none of them had come back yet.

The news from the front lines had also been cut off.

All that we knew was was the hopeless information brought back by the wounded.

There weren't enough bandages and medicines, and the wounded kept pouring in.

The soldier's and my worries became more intense.

It was at this time——

Aizu soldier: This is terrible/Bad news! Apparently Nyoraido has been completely surrounded by the enemy! The Shinsengumi in Nyoraido might have completely wiped out.

Yukimura:……!

The moment I heard such a dreadful announcement/news, it felt like the blood had been drained from my entire body. [news/information might be changed for ^^^ sentences. might use intelligence, communication]

A commotion spread throughout the entire formation [camp sounds more appropriate].

Soldier: Yukimura-san……

The wounded soldier looked at me with an anxious expression.

Previously, the instant I heard such news, I probably would have broken down into tears.

But, now——

Yukimura:……When such fierce fighting is going on, all sorts of rumours will be flying around we can't assume that everything is accurate before receiving an official confirmation.

Hearing what I said, the soldier seemed to calm down.

Soldier:……That's right. Before figuring things out, we'll still believe in/continue to trust the Taichou, and wait until he returns.

Even if Nyoraido has been surrounded by the enemy, the Shinsengumi may not necessarily be completely wiped out.

Shinsengumi——they, along with Saito-san, I don't know how many times they had escaped from death.

More importantly, Saito-san cannot die yet.

——flashback——

Saito: Yukimura, I wish to make you a promise.

Yukimura: A promise for me......? What is it?" Saito: No matter what happens in the future....... I will protect you with my life. This decision is not because of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata-san, or an order from the Aizu....... but of my own volition.

——end flashback——

At the time, he promised……

Even now, I can still clearly remember how we kissed after.

Saito-san, he made a promise to me.

He will come back to me.

I repeated those words in my heart over and over again, as if to convince myself......

But my heart was beating wildly, and cold sweat dripped from my forehead.

This wasn't able to eliminate my sense of unease.

Yukimura: …………

I truly wanted to rush over to Nyoraido, to immediately go to his side.

But, my duty right now, is to treat the wounded here.

So…… I could only trust/believe in him, and wait here.

After, I continued to focus on treating the wounded while waiting for Saito-san to return.

But, reports on the situation in Nyoraido, they never came again,

The sense of [them being] defeat[ed] became more intense, and the dreary mood gradually enveloped the entire formation [will probably use "camp"]. [The feeling that they had been defeated became more intense, and...]

Soldier 2: Yukimura-san, isn't it time for you to rest? You look very pale.

Yukimura: No, it isn't time to rest yet/it's not the time to rest.

Soldier 2:……Under these circumstances, if you collapse, once something happens, there won't be anyone to depend/rely on [for what you do]. Even if it's just a short nap…… please, for everyone's sake.

When faced with such a strong request, I couldn't refuse.

Yukimura: Okay. Then I'll go and nap/sleep for a bit.

I decided to go find a corner to go nap in .

Perhaps it was because I was so tired, but once I closed my eyes, I immediately fell asleep.

As I slept, I had a dream.

Yukimura Nn, nn......

I didn't know where I was in this dream, the surroundings were hazy as I looked around.

Where……is this?

Yukimura: Is this the Aizu's…… camp……?

……Right.

I was waiting for Saito-san to come back…… then……

My head felt numb and heavy as I looked around again……

Saito:……Yukimura.

Yukimura: Saito-san……!

The person I wanted to see suddenly appeared before me/Now that the one I wanted to see suddenly appeared, I immediately got up.

Yukimura: You're back from fighting at Nyoraido! Where are the rest of the soldiers……

Saito:……In regards to this, I have something that I must tell you.

Yukimura: Eh……?

Hearing him say such ominous remarks, I couldn't help but feel confused.

Saito: Even now, you have always been at my side…… My gratitude towards you goes beyond words. If I didn't have you, I wouldn't have been able to continue fighting until now.

Yukimura: Thanks for what [reword later]……

Why was he suddenly saying such a thing?

Yukimura:……To speak of thanks, it's too much, I don't need it [It's too much for you to speak of thanking me/it's unnecessary for you to thank me]. Because, you and I……

We are no longer outsiders [/We can no longer be considered as outsiders/strangers...not sure what i’ll go with here] ——I just wanted to say that.

I don't know why, but I couldn't say anything.

The Saito-san before my eyes/right now, there was a subtle sadness to his expression, as if he was extremely sorry.

He…… wasn't like the one [man] I knew at all.

In this unnatural atmosphere, he spoke solemnly.

Saito: I……there is something I must tell you…… No matter what happens, no matter what you experience/encounter/face…… but now I [reword later]……

Yukimura:……!?

I was too late to ask him——

Saito-san's figure was already starting to fade away, then completely disappeared into the darkness of night.

Yukimura: Saito-san, don't go! What are saying to me——

I shouted out then/and lost consciousness.

When I opened my eyes again, my entire body was drenched in sweat.

Yukimura: Just now, that was a dream……

The foreboding feeling/premonition made my heart beat wildly.

Why was it at this time, that I dreamed of Saito-san?

Furthermore, in my dream, it seemed like he had something to tell me.

I had a bad hunch/felt a sense of foreboding, but there was nothing I could do.

Looking around everywhere, Saito-san and the others still hadn't come back.

Although/Even if I dreaded to think so……

Just now, it was just a bad dream, it shouldn't be a sign that something bad would happen.

Saito-san and the other soldiers, what happened to them?

……No, it couldn't be.

He promised me, he would surely come back.

But, if that wasn't the case?

……If I continued to wait here, would he really come back?

I……

Choices

【Search for him】【Believe in him and wait】 <-

Although I wanted to immediately rush to Saito-san's side……

I still remembered what he said before.

——flashback——

Saito:......As time passes, things change. The world, ideals, and even the Shinsengumi. Even so, that does not mean that everything must change. As things change with time, so too will there be things that do not change. And I...... I believe in the things that do not change.

——end flashback——

……Saito-san had never gone against the promise he made me/never broke the promise he made me.

Regardless if it was when he left the Shinsengumi to join the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb, or when he was defeated at/during the Battle of Toba-Fushimi.

Also, there was when he ended up fighting Kazama-san.

In the end, he always came back to my side [me].

So, as he promised, he will certainly come back to me.

So, I too——

Yukimura:…………

An incredible feeling swelled in my chest.

It wasn't because of panic, rather it felt like the stars were whispering to me……

This feeling pushed me out of camp.

Outside of camp was a forest that always looked the same at night [reword later].

Although I didn't know if any of the soldiers would return, I thought……

I felt somewhat dejected, and couldn't help but look up towards the night sky.

It was full of stars, quietly twinkling.

Long before I was born, these stars, they must have been watching the world in silence/been silently watching the world.

No matter how many years passed, these silver stars would always shine in the night sky.

Yukimura: Me too……

Under the allure of the dim starlight, I couldn't help but say this/I was unable to restrain my emotions.

Yukimura: I also…… believe in the things that do not change.

Even if the path forward was covered in darkness, the light that pointed towards the future still shined.

Yukimura: I believe——no matter what happens in the future, you will not change.

Just as I muttered this to myself.

There was the sound of movement through foliage.

I froze, staring attentively in the direction of the sound.

After/Then……

???: Is.…… someone there?

The moment I heard that voice, I burst into tears [or: almost burst into tears].

Shortly after, a single silhouette flashed in the woods, and its figure gradually became clearer.

Saito: Chizuru…… is that you?

My beloved/The man/The one I loved was calling my name, I could no longer/was no longer able to control myself.

Yukimura: Saito-san…… Hajime-san!

I shouted his name, throwing myself at him.

Yukimura: You came back……! Hajime-san……!

I wanted to welcome him back with a smile.

I didn't want to be crying when we were reunited.

If I cried, that would make it harder to see Hajime-san’s face……

All sorts of thoughts that I had been repressing came bursting out of my heart.

Saito: Ah…… I'm back, Chizuru. Didn't I promise you that I would return? Why are you crying? Could it be, that you didn't believe me?

Hearing Hajime-san's question, I shook my head.

Yukimura: How could I not trust you. However, I was always worried…… [and] when I heard the bad rumours at camp, my heart felt like it was going to crack/split open. Also…… I had a dream, a dream where you went far, far away……

Saito:……I see.

As I cried, Hajime-san awkwardly embraced me.

His uniform, it was completely dirty……

Although his uniform was black, a single glance showed that there were bloodstains and bullet holes everywhere.

Just from seeing him like this, I could tell he had seen a fierce battle. [ or "it was as if I could see a fierce battle." check jp mtl]

A moment later, Hajime-san showed a bitter expression.

Saito: When [we were] surrounded by the New Government Army, I was prepared to be completely wiped out/defeated…… At this time, one of the seriously injured/wounded soldiers told me: we've all been injured [been completely beaten... or some other word that i think of later that implies helplessness] and can no longer be of use to fight. Leave us behind and get out of here with the rest of the troop members——

Yukimura:……!

The decision that had been before Hajime-san, the weight of it left me speechless.

Saito: The me from before, perhaps I would have accepted this proposal. But…… the me now, it was impossible [reword later]. Hijikata-san entrusted me with the leadership of the Shinsengumi. Additionally, I could not leave those who trusted me and stayed/chose to fight together with me when the Aizu were abandoned.

Yukimura:……Nn.

I looked straight into Hajime-san's eyes, and nodded approvingly/nodded in agreement.

Hearing about the changes in Hajime-san's heart, I felt delighted/happy, as if it was my own affair.

Saito: If I had accepted that soldier's proposal, I likely would have returned sooner…… Carefully leading the troops back, it took longer than I thought…… I'm sorry for making you worry about me.

After listening to Hajime-san's words, I shook my head.

Yukimura: I……that's not important/it doesn't matter. As long as are you are like this, and as long as you come back to me…… that's enough.

Saito:…………Yes [alt I see/is that so. check audio].

Yukimura: What happened to the other troop members/soldiers?

Saito: Because they're moving while carrying the wounded, I think that it will probably be a while longer before they catch up. But they will certainly catch up.

Yukimura: So it's like that, that's good……

Just by/from feeling Hajime-san's temperature [warmth] and his breathing, I was already very happy.

As long as he was like this now, and alive [As long as he lived like this now]…… being at my side, it was enough.

From the way he was looking at me, I could clearly feel that he felt the same way I did.

Saito:……Even for myself, I find it/feel that it's incredible/unimaginable.

Yukimura:……?

I tilted my head, not understanding what he meant.

Saito: Previously, I thought, the ideal wish of a warrior/samurai [check audio] would be to die in battle. However, I now fight for the sake of my comrades, so as to survive [so that we survive/live. chck jp mtl].

Indeed, if it was the past Hajime-san, when faced between choosing life and death, he likely wouldn’t have hesitated.

But......

Yukimura: I.......love the you now....... and I love the you back then. No....... no matter however you are, I will always accept you.

Hajime-san's eyes narrowed in satisfaction.

Saito:……You once told me before. The answer, the one I painfully struggled to find, whatever it was, you would accept it.

Yukimura:……Nn.

Saito: The one who changed me, it was probably you, Chizuru.

Yukimura: Eh......?

Saito: At the most dire point/height of the fighting, I thought of your face…… and my determination to not die grew stronger. Furthermore, every time I thought of how you were doing everything to help the wounded at camp, I kept thinking that these soldiers must not die here.

Yukimura:…………

Carefully listening to my lover's voice, his words, made me feel infinitely happy. [Listening to my lover's voice, his words made me feel extremely happy.]

When Hajime-san was desperately fighting at Nyoraido, if I was able to provide him some courage……

Nothing could make me happier.

After a short while, Hajime-san slightly tilted his head, almost as if he was urging something.

There was no need to ask what would happen next.

I closed my eyes, quietly responding to him.

After a pleasant wait, our lips were pressed together.

This kiss, it was very restrained, just like how he was.

My heart was beating loudly.

These thoughts became increasingly stronger in my heart, how I wish the two of us could stay in this forest at night forever. [check jp mtl. i’m probably going to go with something to the effect of: How I wish we could just stay forever in this moment, alone and encompassed by this forest at night.*this sentence is pissing me off lol.]

No matter what happens, I will never leave him again.

Saito:……From now on, I will never let you be this sad again. So, let me see you smile/your smile. In order to see your smile, no matter what happens, I will always return to you. [check jp mtl]

Before, I once asked him what he would do one day if he had to drink the Ochimizu for the Shinsengumi……

The answer that came from his lips without any hesitation, was to 【drink it】.

Yukimura:…………Nn. Hajime-san…… Hajime-san, as long as you stay by my side, I will always be happy.

He had asked me to smile, but i couldn't help but to continue crying...

As a result, I was smiling and crying in front of the person that i loved.

About half a month later, the 22nd of the 9th month——

The Aizu-han, which had been firmly resisting the New Government army, surrendered.

——End——

--------------

well, I probably could have made it easier for myself if I just copied the flashback text from SK/KW/EB... but I just couldn’t bring myself to look up the games to copy said text (had to uninstall them from my old pc for space to take stuff off my passport) since it’d really bother me knowing if I copied something than said it was my translation... which is why i didn’t. ah well. as a translator, the idea of taking credit on something that i didn’t translate really doesn’t sit well with me... but I still think that what I did for those parts came close to what I remember from the games...

gotta say though: I really dislike the word 「隊士」. In both Chinese and Japanese... and that, as a translator, i really don’t like how the Gregorian calendar names the months lol. it’s just so much easier to just leave the date as what it says based on the old Japanese calendar... with the era name and month number. let’s me not worry about doing research to ensure the accuracy of things (i require that all of my videos be precise when it comes to dates)...

also, i wish it’d snow everyday for a week. id get motivated enough to finish a chapter with that.... tho it’d need to be a heavy snowfall so it’s very visible. lol. maintaining my motivation on one thing for a long period of time just doesn't come easy to me... especially when it’s something that has +4000 words in it.

#Hakuoki #Hakuouki #Saito Hajime #Hakuoki Ginsei no Shou Translation #Hakuoki Game Translation #Yukimura Chizuru #hakuoki shinkai

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criquette-was-here · 4 years ago

Text

Long Awaited Replies

Hello everyone! It’s been awhile since my last activity here. Stuff’s just got real last few months and I am now experiencing some heavy RLS which makes the future of the whole Feverfew project quite uncertain. I’m very annoyed by the fact I have to move the release date over and over again, but, fingers crossed, I’ll be able to manage to make it this year. But before I post any updates, I need to answer my inbox!

@landgraabsims said:

feverfew is absolutely gorgeous!! is it inspired by any real-life places or towns? i live in england and it reminds me of a few in-the-middle-of-nowhere villages i've visited c:

Thanks @landgraabsims! Yes, Feverfew is based on British countryside aesthetics without any towns or villages in particular. It has a bit of everything, really. It’s a fantasy place after all. But I do use a lot of real life references for making landmarks for it.

Anonymous said:

any idea of the date of release for feverwood? just redownloaded sims 2 and im in loveee

Hey Anon! I’m glad you like it! I really hope to make it happen this year.

Anonymous said:

i would die (or pay) for zagoskin omg it looks like TS3

Oh, thank you, Anon!

@katzengirl said:

Hello Criquette! I don't have a challenge or a question or a request. I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate the things you've shared with us! I hope you're having a good day.

Hello Kristina! That is so sweet, thank you ^___^ I hope you’re doing fine too!

Anonymous said:

Hi there, Criquette. Been having fun with your Rural Charm set and the Better Lighting. Ran into one small problem with the RC. One of the narrow curves picks up the texture from a road section with a crosswalk, so that looks a bit odd (30degree inner?). And a question - is there a Better Lighting for the Iron Bracket street lamp with the seasons banner? Thought the iron bracket would work, but it's not. Anywho, Thank You for ALL the work you put into making our hoods look fantastic!

Hey Anon! Thanks! Depending on the road DR you’re using, there can be some texture issues here and there since Rural Charm is optimised for road texture without any markings (apart from the broken white line). As for the Iron light post with a banner – no. I’ve only made 2 Maxis’ base game lamp posts.

Anonymous said:

It's amazing how this one game embraces so many different types of players. I'm planning to create my very own nh from scratch, and I'd be a liar not to recognize how your game pics inspired me to the task (not to mention your ever impressive work of hood deco cc throughout these years). For all that, as much as I'm just another anon, thank you, sincerely. But that left me wondering: do you also/still play with the other ts2 game modes or they no longer interest you?

Oh, that is so kind, Anon. Thank you! Yes, I do love to actually play the game. I enjoy building/decorating lots as much as live mode. In fact, I often get carried away during playtest sessions and just keep playing in lot mode and that’s why there are lots like ‘The Tower Inn’ or ‘The Moose & Beaver’ or sims like Tilda Phidbach, WHT-FC28 servo and their field lab.

Anonymous said:

Criquette, do you know something about this project? thesims1master tumblr (the idea is to make the game look like the beta version. I ask, because I liked it so much, but I haven't been able to find the person behind it and I'm very curious to see more or download it, as well as his world, which I've been waiting for since last year lol)

Hey Anon! Oh, I don’t think I know anything about this project, no. But it looks rather interesting!

@forever-evenfall said:

Hey Criquette! I just downloaded your Lighting Remedy (because I only just realised I needed to change the txt file and not just download it lol) and when I placed your lighting text in the program files, the lighting itself worked, but the terrain itself was flashing red. Do you know what I did wrong? I literally don’t think I can play without the fix lol. I am using UC and I placed it in the Fun With Pets/SP9/TSData/Res/Lights folder. Should I have put it somewhere else?

Hello Eve! I might be wrong, but isn’t it Mansions & Gardens SP that stands for UC? Anyway, flashing red terrain is really weird consequence for just replacing a txt file. Neighborhood terrain doesn’t have any dynamic light. It has a light map instead which comes with Lighting remedy too. If you only just replace the lighting txt file without putting LR light map into your ‘Downloads’ folder, the only issue you should get would by unsynchronized light directions for hood decos and the terrain itself.

Anonymous said:

I'm having a problem: not all the decorations I put in the neighborhood are showing up in simulation mode, even with the fade off and the long-range vision on. I think there is some code that I need to add to the game files to make all the decorations appear. But I can't find how to do this: c Can you help me?

Hello Anon! Basically, there’s only one type of hood deco that isn’t showing up in lot mode and that is neighborhood effects. All the decals, flowers, fields, all the animated stuff (except for texture animation, e.g. Maxis’ marquee sign) is not showing up in lot mode. There’s nothing we can do about it. Yet. If you think that there’s a proper hood deco that isn’t showing up in lot mode, please PM me with some screenshots and we could try to sort it out.

Anonymous said:

Hello--Anon who asked about additional pieces for the Rural Charm set--I see now, thank you for explaining about the floating intersections. Is there anything you recommend then, to add on to existing roads? Otherwise, thanks for taking the time to explain.

Hello Anon! Oh, you’re most welcome. There is a tedious way to replace a texture on the existing tile of the real road, to make in into intersection so that it would connect better visually with decorative road pieces. But that takes time. What you have to do is to determine the tile you want to edit using technique described in this tutorial and then you have to change the texture name in the corresponding line. The texture names for the intersections (their index name parts) can be found in any road DR beforehand.

@sunradersimblr said:

Hi, I'm just wondering if you've ever done hood deco of a highway rest stop like the type we see in the U.S. along interstates and state highways, just a green space, usually, with toilet facilities and a place for a picnic and parking lot? I need one for a story and thought I'd check with you. Thanks for all the great work you share!

Hello Sunrader! That would be really nice addition for the highway set, but I haven’t made it. Thought it’s quite possible to make something similar if you use ‘One side exit piece’ from the motorway set and add some picnic tables, umbrellas and benches using street tables & benches set. There’s also many 4t2 deco conversions for toilets and other small size decos that would help to create a decent resting stop.

@nataliepop said:

Hi there Criquette! There's a new game called Townscaper which I think you'd like. The architecture has an English aesthetic and you build cities or towns but it all starts on an ocean. It's in early access, so I hope by the time it officially releases they add boats and piers. Look it up on Steam or Youtube. I saw it via someone who usually does Cities Skylines videos. Btw, have you ever played that? Also, apart from sims what else do you enjoy playing? Anyway, hope you are having a good day!

Hey Natpop! Thanks for a lovely game suggestion! I’ve checked it out and it looks really fun. Can’t say I’d play it though XD All my free time (which I don’t have atm) is reserved for simming hood deco making working on Feverfew ^^

Anonymous said:

hey~ i love all of your stuff, you're so talented (๑♡⌓♡๑) i wanted to ask, do you think you'll ever release feverfew's sc4 map?

Thank you Anon! That’s very kind. I’m not sure if there’s any point in releasing SC4 map I used for Feverfew because it’s completely differs from the way it looks now. The road layout is different, there’s no canal, no islands on the river, hills are different, etc. It has been heavily terraformed and edited during development process. I’d recommend just to wait till the Feverfew neigborhood release.

Anonymous said:

Hi! Do you have any idea of when Feverfew will be released? :)

Hey Anon! It will be released this year, hopefully!

Anonymous said:

Hello :D Is it possible to get your linden trees as lot objects in build/garden section? I love them and they beautify my neighborhood but could really use an option to select them on lots too :)

Hello Anon! Yes, that’s possible, though I can’t say if I could make it myself. What I can say though, is that there’s a linden trees redux coming soon. It would make linden trees look better and highly optimised so that it would only take 4,5 Mb instead of 60 Mb without any losses in texture quality and resolution.

#replies #anon #Feverfew #nataliepop #sunradersimblr #forever-evenfall #katzengirl #landgraabsims

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imaginexmeintheuniverse · 5 years ago

Text

Resurgence

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader

Warnings: ANGST

A/N: okay so damn this has been in my wips for so long because i got a burst of inspo one day and i kept waiting to be in just the right groove to finish it and i finally did and holy cow so much angst... im thinking of doing a part 2 just to give a full resolution??? But idk let me know what you think!

The war has been over for a little over two years now. You've lost friends and family, but so has he— Draco Malfoy, that is.

You haven't seen him in person since the battle of Hogwarts. You didn't care to keep up with any gossip amongst peers and press either, preferring to spend your time grieving for your lost loved ones and trying to move forward. As much as you didn't care too much about keeping up with current affairs, whispers and hushed words about the platinum-haired heir found their way to you ears anyways.

Draco Malfoy, the boy who thought he had no choice— a title that would follow him for the rest of his life. Because the family defected, none of the Malfoys faced any charges. However, the Malfoy boy searches for a new home; a new life. One where he can rebuild himself and make his own choices.

The day he disappeared through the crowd of wizards cloaked in black, the day you lost so many friends and family, was the day you resolved to focus on being in the present and grieving what you lost, instead of torturing over what could have been.

You feel that right now, as you stroll down a rainy Diagon Alley after some errands and taking a small detour to check up on George. You could simply disapparate to avoid the increasing precipitation, but there's something about today that makes you want to take in every bit of mundane magic— without literal magic.

You had woken up to the sun shining through your windows making your sheets all bright and warm, an owl delivered a letter from each of your best friends, George actually smiled like he was getting back to managing mischief, and each drop of rain that falls on your skin is a reminder that you're alive— and you're happy to take it all in. Today is the first day since the war that you feel like everything is real and everything is going to be okay.

That is until you see something— err someone that makes you stop in your tracks and question if he's real. You almost drop your shopping bags in the puddle you're standing in. The fact that you're staring at him like a deer in headlights, or that the rain is soaking through your every layer of clothing, both become after thoughts as your eyes lock with his. You blink a few times, not knowing whether to trust your eyes.

It can't be.

The same face you've only seen in papers for the last year, stands a few meters in front of you, shielded from the down pour under a black umbrella that matches his usual perfectly pressed suit. He gives you a curt nod, but you stay frozen, taking in every detail of his being. His overall look is as put together as ever, but the dark rings under his eyes and the silver pools of his irises that seem to only contain the remains of shed tears, would tell a different story.

You feel as though someone has nailed your feet to the ground when he starts walking towards you. His pace slows the closer he gets until he comes to a stop a few steps from where you stand.

"Good evening, Y/N," His tone is formal, but it falters slightly with a tinge of discomfort.

You remain unresponsive, letting your eyes bore through him as he feels his breath shorten at the possibility that you can see right through him, and you always have.

"O-Oh, r-right, if I may—" He takes a step into your personal space to offer you coverage under his umbrella, but you flinch backwards, opting to stay in the cold showers. It's the only thing that feels real right now. Looking to the ground, he takes a deep breath, swallowing down whatever it is that seems to be inhibiting him. His eyes make their way back up to yours and you see pain. "Y/N, I would like to apologize- I-I'm sorry- f-for everything—"

"Oh, you're sorry?!" you cry out, your voice full of very real anger that covers up all the very real hurt inside you. After all these years of waiting for him to show some real emotion— you were rooting for him, hoping he would prove everyone wrong and show that he isn't just some cold-hearted snake, and you wanted nothing more than for him to acknowledge and apologize for all the shitty things he's done. Yet here he is, at your mercy, doing just that and it's not enough. "You can't honestly think that saying 'I'm sorry' will suddenly fix everything that's happened— everything you've done!"

Your sudden outburst startles him, and his eyes widen from the shock, but he's not surprised. He wants to make amends, but he also wasn't going into this expecting anything.

"I understand," he mumbles, keeping his head low.

For moment, the sound of raindrops falling on the cobblestone and pattering on the rooves is all that can be heard. To Draco, it's deafening, and not knowing what else to say or do, he gives you another curt nod before turning to leave.

"You coward!" You call after him, your feet never moving. He stops cold in his tracks and flinches as your familiar words sting him just as they did the last time you saw him. "Why do you always- fuck- wh-why don't you just stay and fight for once in your life?!"

You don't even know exactly what you mean by that in your conscious mind, or what you're really asking of him, although a part of you, deep down, must know. "All those years, you've hidden behind your father and that shite personality of yours- you-you have a choice- y-you always have a choice- w-why didn't you—" Your words become less and less articulate as your emotions completely take over and your left stumbling in your words. The rain might mask the tears you feel burn your cheeks in contrast to the cold droplets, but they can be heard clearly in every break in your voice. It isn't fair. "All those years— all those fucking years!"

His head turns first, locking eyes with you once again, before the rest of his body follows. He sees that same fire that's always been present in your eyes. He's always found it to be terrifying, but also incredibly beautiful.

"All those years," he repeats, starting in a small voice, gradually growing in volume as he steps closer to you. "I know I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the planet! You gave me endless chances to do better and I took you for granted, and I'm sorry- I'm so sorry for that—" He knows he deserves every harsh truth you just spat at him. You were always secretly there to support him, despite how terribly he always treated you and everyone you love— you tried to help him and what did he do in return? You've never backed down from him— or anything from that matter and it's something he both admires and envies deeply. How is he supposed to tell you all that now without sounding pathetic? "If there's anything I regret most in my life—"

His whole body comes to a stuttering stop only a step away from yours. Either of you could close the gap with a single stride, and yet, there seems to be an invisible barrier between the two of that always seems to appear the second you become too close.

Draco Malfoy hangs his head once again as he realizes that brave words weren't meant to come from his mouth. You continue to watch as platinum strands fall over his forhead to shield the weakness in his eyes. The barrier only seems to grow thicker as your owns words get caught in your throat and the two of you just stay there.

If anyone were around to witness this scene it would seem cinematic; almost romantic. A tall handsome man and his beloved caught in the rain who could take one step into the shelter of his umbrella. The warm light from the lamposts and shops reflects off of every wet surface creates a glowing atmosphere. A perfect reunion scene that would be. But that's not the case.

#draco malfoy x reader #draco fanfiction #draco malfoy #hp #hp imagine #draco malfoy drabble #drabble #potatowrites #draco malfoy imagine #harry potter imagine #harry potter fic #hp fanfic

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narilgc · 5 years ago

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*:･ﾟ✧* new year, new nari

… in which 𝐈𝐌 𝐍𝐀𝐑𝐈 becomes a better version of herself ! ( gif credit )

word count: 1,253

at first the camera displays nothing but an empty wall, no sign of a trainee in sight. however, a strand of hair slowly emerges, before curious eyes slide into the view of the camera. “ boo ! ” she whisper-yells, and it’s once the trainee doubles over in her familiar laughter that she’s revealed to be im nari. “ hi everyone ! ” she greets, bringing both her hands up to wave at the camera. she’s clearly comfortable in front of the camera, a sign of her years of both acting and similar vlogs that were sent to her family in damyang. still, her eyes are more sunk back and her voice is more groggy than usual, a sign of her exhaustion from waking up so early. she’s bundled up, her entire torso up to her chin covered with a black winter coat. it’s a little odd, seeing that it’s approaching springtime, but her next few words explain her intent further.

“ so ! when tasked with this whole ... resolution thing, i wanted to pick up a skill i’m not too familiar with but have a genuine interest in ! ” she speaks rather slowly, mindful of the way she’s speaking to ensure her jeolla dialect isn’t to prominently peaking through. i really should’ve worked on improving my seoul dialect, she thinks to herself. “ anyways, i was thinking about how i wanted the new skill to make me feel, and i’ve decided. i wanted something that makes me feel graceful, calm, like ... ” at that moment, she exaggerates her movements to make them more flowing, her dramatic interpretation of -

“ a swan ! i wanna feel like a swan, you know ? ” her eyes light up in excitement, similar to a child’s, as she envisions the gracefulness she aspires to have. “ so that’s why today ... at 6 am ... ” speaking as if she’s about to announce something very important, she shows her smart watch to her camera, the clock indeed reading 6:05. “ ... we’re heading off to the skating rink, where i’ll learn ice skating ! ta - da ! ” doing jazz hands at the camera she beams, her energy slowly rising as her body starts to wake up more. a part of the motivation for her enthusiasm was the idea that her family would be watching, though this time on a much more professional platform and on behalf of the company. it evoked a sense of pride, as it was some of her first proof to them that things were truly going good in seoul, and that she was becoming a true part of the legacy team.

“ i had to wake up so, so early today ! ” giving a loud yawn and leaning over to the camera, she tries to emphasize her fatigue. it was a bit of a bummer to have to be up so early on the only time she had off, but she figures the publicity would be worth it. sure, she wakes up around this time for school anyways, but she decides to maintain the illusion for the sake of entertainment. “ but the skating rink is pretty far away, so i had to wake up early ! and on that note - i’m gonna be late ! let’s go ! ” with that, she does the transition she sees other youtubers doing, bringing her camera to cover the screen with some self-made sound effects.

when they’re pried away from the camera again, however, nari’s in a very different setting - a large, white skating rink with a female by her side. “ this is my teacher for the day ! she’s going to help me to become an olympic gold medalist ! right, teacher ? ” the teacher gives a quiet response, but the look on her face is anything but promising. “ i’ve still got my regular shoes on, but now i’m going to to switch into skates and learn to get comfortable on ice ! ” the next clip is of her sitting at the stool, cooing at how cute she thinks the shoes look. she comments that she wants to skate more often, because of how nice the skates look on.

following that, a first person view is given as nari holds her phone which was recording the whole thing, the camera pointed to the ground. it’s clear this part wasn’t supposed to make it into the final cut, but did for one embarrassing reason. “ hey, this is pretty easy ! do you think you could record the video for me while i sk - ” all of a sudden the camera starts wobbling, and a loud gasp is heard before it begins crashing to the ground. it’s black, but only for a minute before a laughter arises, so much so that she finds it hard to breathe. once she’s sitting upright, she lifts her phone to reveal her flustered face, shaking her head in disbelief. “ okay, okay, so ! ah ... wow, what do i even say to that ? ” the natural flow she usually possesses is replaced with a taken aback sort of amusement, and all she can do is continue laughing. “ well, i definitely just fell flat on my face. maybe from now on, we’ll let my teacher take the lead ! ”

following the embarrassing moment is a montage, showing the teacher guiding her around the rink. slowly, she begins to teach simple skating techniques, and though the video is heavily cut down, the viewer’s begin to see her slow progress. there’s still the frequent falls, however, but all of them end with her giggles. they won’t see her having a bad attitude, she’s persistent on that.

“ we’re going to end the day with a very special performance ! i will be skating perfectly to one of my favorite songs, violeta by the legacy trainees ! ” it wouldn’t hurt to give her company a little promotion - she wasn’t sure she had much of a choice, anyways - but the song genuinely was one of her favorites. as she presents her performance as “ perfect ” her voice is clearly satirical, and it’s evident she’s certainly joking. “ i know i haven’t been the easiest student, but thank you for all your help today ! ” she says, gesturing towards the teacher. “ but thanks to you, i might just become the next yuna kim ! ”

the performance is ... entertaining, to say the least. of course, a couple of hours of practice don’t turn her into the olympic medalist she’d hoped for, but she’s able to do a few laps around without falling to her doom now. so she does just that, and rather than show true promise in skating she uses her performance skills to up the entertainment. finally, with a cry of “ violeta ! ” she attempts the last move she was taught - the spin. and, as expected, rather than pull off the challenging move she’s sent spinning to the floor.

just as she hits the ground with a large thud, the song ends, and only the whirring of the air conditioning can be heard as the coach looks on with slight horror. slowly, nari peers up, though her body stays planted in the ground. her look of embarrassment quickly transforms into a childish grin as she begins to speak.

“ thanks for watching ! ”

#( if you knew my story :: development. )#lgc:secondvlive

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goodvibesatpeace · 6 years ago

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Astrology: Finding Happiness

Aries: Know Who you Are

Aries rules our face, our heads, our identity. Without a strong purpose or identity in life, an Aries may not be happy. Ruled by the planet Mars, Aries is our natural leader; they are the fighters, they are the rebels changing the rules.

I can’t help to think of Billy Idol’s Rebel Yell video, when I think of an Aries. They need a Cause, a Purpose, and they need to understand who they are. Quiet your mind Aries.. look deep within. Silently ask yourself “who am I?” and wait for the picture to come alive.

Once you focus on what you want, keep that fire burning behind it, you’ll get it.. and your looks will help too.

Taurus: Strong Self-Worth

Through Taurus, we understand what we value the most. Without a strong Self-worth, a Taurus may not be happy. Ruled by the planet Venus, our Goddess of Love, and the finer things in life, she is the manifesto for all these things, including our own personal finances.

Once a Taurus can communicate what he/she needs clearly through the part of the body they rule, which is the throat, they will become stronger, and instantly get what they deserve. They are the true Manifestoes.

I am reminded of the Fairy God-mother from Cinderella; all you need to do is wave that wand, and see the picture of what you want. Make sure it is aligned with your true Values, and bippity-boppity-boo, it will come true.

Gemini: Communicate Freely

A Gemini that is silenced, or repressed in expressing themselves may not be happy. They need the freedom to express their feelings and emotions through the best way they can: Words. Words are Gemini’s best friends.

Mercury is the ruling planet here: the planet that rules our minds, our thoughts, and all forms of Communication. In Gemini, it makes them the natural writers, poets, musicians, and speakers.

I am reminded of George the VI, who wasn’t supposed to be appointed King, and had to overcome his speech impediment. Then, once he had the courage, he became an inspiration to many. We know your dualistic, beautiful-mind has lots to say, and the World is waiting to hear it.

Cancer: Home is Where the Heart Is

A crab without a safe & cozy shell, where they can be themselves, may not be happy. A Home to call your own; a place where your emotions are free to flow with the people surrounding you(immediate-family, spouse, or children), that understand YOU, and will allow you to be just ‘You’.

This is the foundation of Cancer: The Happy- home. Create your sanctuary. You are the most emotional of all signs because you are ruled by the Moon, that controls the Ocean-tides. Resolution with mother/ father, and finding peace with your own upbringing, if there is karmic ties that need to be cleared.

If there are things that need to be said, say them now. I can’t help to think of the Brady Bunch; how two families had to live together in harmony under one roof, and they did because emotions were always talked out.

Leo: Express Yourself Bravely

A Lion without a Pride, may not be happy. A Pride has a purpose, and they look to the King for direction. An audience always needs to be around this gracious, Social- being; they are the Center of attention, ruled by the Sun.

The Sun is the light shining bright through our hearts, like most signs, but especially for Leo’s; they must discover what they love through Creative, self-expression. This usually revolves around overcoming some fear.

I think of Simba from The Lion King, who has a many lessons to learn, and overcome, but in the end, we all knew it was his destiny to rule. Allow your insecurities to fall by the Way-side. Do what you love, and do it with grace and passion. You are the Natural-born star.. its your time to shine.

Virgo: Love Yourself First

A Virgo without a good routine, physically and emotionally, may not be happy. It is not because they lack discipline, or are seen as lazy- quite the contrary. Its because they think of others first. They are the natural-born Givers, and Teachers; they are the Mother Theresas’, and the Gandhis’ of our world.

By giving up their life for others, they may neglect what they must do for themselves. Ruled also by Mercury, you have a naturally-organized mind, a ‘to do” list in your head of 100 things perfectly departmentalized.

Learn to Love yourself first. Focus on you, and then others will follow, and appreciate you more. Your family will understand that you need to workout for 20 mins before breakfast is started, and the dishes will wait without the dust running away. It will all be there for you when you get back.

You’ll feel so much better once you get the YOU routine in order, and STAY on track.

Libra: Balance of Energy

Unhappy relationships equals unhappy life for these loving, Bright-beings. It can be through business, or in personal relationships. A Libra without another person in their life(a close friend, relative, or a significant other) may not be happy.

Ruled by our planet Venus, this is where love and marriage is highlighted. They are the Scales of life; the ones who need to balance their energy the most, to feel alive and in good spirits. Work, social, and personal Time is all crucial to your well-being.

Don’t give too much of yourself to your partner in life, and don’t spend too much time in isolation. Im reminded here of Bridget Jone’s character; focused on her career, but has the support of close friends, and family around to guide her love-life, that is highlighted by a decision of two men.

Can she choose the one who represents her energy the most? Vibes attract your Tribe; stay positive, and do you, and the right people will arrive in your life.

Scorpio: Commit to Your Passion

If a Scorpio is not Passionate about anything in particular in their life they, may not be happy. The sign most associated with Sex, the Mysterious, and the Mystical ones. They are creative beings ruled by not only Mars, but the deep, transformative, icy-planet- Pluto.

The most Powerful sign, they see beyond the surface, and through it all. A Surface-partnership, Project, or Life will just NOT do. They strive on big-business and big-deals. They are not scared to explore the depths of the cold-ocean so many are fearful of.

I think of Martin Scorsese; taking chances of ridicule by bringing us movies like Taxi, Casino & Raging Bull, that explore the darker, aggressive, passionate-side of cinema. Death and transformation, is a big part of these movies, and that is what Scorpio must become comfortable with. The idea of killing a project, ego, or partnerships, to bring to life new people, projects, and a more awakened-self.

Boredom is Death to a Scorpio. Learn to Let Go. Be obsessed with what makes you feel alive. Be in Love with those who connect with you at the deepest level, and Be the Phoenix that rises from the grave, to bring your gifts to light.

Sagittarius: Keep Learning

A Sag that is not learning something new, or discovering new lands, may not be happy. You are the Philosophers, the Inventors of the world. You can do anything you put your mind to, and you need to trust yourself enough to Think Big.

Never allow yourself to become complacent. Jupiter, your bad-boy, big-ruling planet, wants to gift you with everything you Desire. When you travel, you expand your horizons, every place you visit will become a part of your essence, and Teach you much more about yourself.

It’s at this time that Saturn returns to your sun sign once more. Can you think back 30 years ago? What major changes in your life occurred then? Maybe you’re just learning NOW, the lessons that Saturn has bestowed upon you.

Its time to grow up, and see that the big-Changes have started to come into your life, and are for the better, if you can just- Believe. Your beliefs: Thinking of the movie Big Fish; many could not believe if his story was true, but it didn’t matter because the Inspiration it left us with was enough to feel like magic, that still exists in this world.

Capricorn: Keep the End In Mind

A Capricorn without a big-Goal, may not be happy. Our Goats of our Zodiac climb high, and steady, as they reach the Top of the mountain. Capricorns are ruled by our Time-keeper- Saturn.

Our Rule-maker, and even as the goats climb sideways, we wonder “How do they do it?” They believe it- that’s why. They know if they just Focus with the end in mind, they will survive, and get there one day, regardless of how much pressure they need to put themselves under. Hard-work, and perseverance never fails.

I think of the lead role in Shawshank Redemption to escape his demise; he made his way slowly digging a hole, little by little, year by year, not allowing himself to be distracted, or discouraged.

You of all signs understand that life cannot be measured in a year, or a day, and if a set back comes your way, you know you will make it to the top of the mountain again, just try NOT to take life so seriously, and learn to yodel along the way.

Aquarius: Stay Connected

An Aquarius in Isolation, may be not happy. You can be sitting in front of your computer, and connected to thousands.. You might even be conjuring up the new Facebook technology of the next generation, but you need Personal connections in this life, outside of the internet.

Community-work comes to mind, and being with great friends or family, is important to an Aquarius, even if they don’t seem to show it. They connect very quickly to many, and can disconnect just as quickly when a new topic, or new surrounding comes their way.

This is just their way of life; they are not being rude, or dismissive.. they are just learning through US. Ruled by the planet Uranus, their minds work overtime, and see things very differently than most. Sudden change, and big-moves seem to happen in an instant, and it’s how You handle them, that make all the difference.

Know that you will always be okay, with strong connections that last longer than others, and will always be there to re-energize you. Social networks like Meet-up, were invented for you, OR maybe you’re working on creating your own.

Pisces: Know that You Know

A Pisces that doesn’t Trust their Intuition, and seems lost at sea, may not be happy. You are the seers, and you probably know the next words I’m gonna write before I even print them. Neptune, your ruling planet keeps you connected naturally to the Ethers, but as you are the two fish swimming in opposite directions so quickly, you can Choose to disconnect this Strong-power.

Whether you use drugs, alcohol, or just convince yourself that they don’t know the truth hearts desire is you can’t run away from the truth. You are here to help others and guide us with your inner knowing.

Don’t slip away into the dark depths of the ocean-tides. Come back to us, take a deep breath and rise up through the surface and let everyone see what a miracles being you are. Your intuition will always guide you. The more connected and sober you go through this life with a spiritual practice in mind, the happier you’ll be.

#astrology #happy #zodiac #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

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gyoomie · 5 years ago

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1) i eased back into reading manga regularly after like. 3+ years? i think it helps that ive branched out to other genres outside of shoujo, such as yuri, BL, isekai and even webtoons. im still not great with long series though, so i usually stick to manga with 1 to 3 volumes (unless theyre REALLY good) ww

standout manga (ongoing): jibaku shounen hanako-kun (♡♡) / colette wa shinu koto ni shita / sachi-iro no one room (cw: emotional/physical abuse and mature themes)

standout manga (completed): ohayou, ibarahime / yagate kimi ni naru / vanilla chocolate cigarette

standout BL mangaka: furuya nagisa / suzumaru minta (nsfw) / hinohara meguru (explicit nsfw)

standout webtoons (ongoing): july found by chance (korean) / starting with a lie (从谎言开始) / to be or not to be (穿越成反派要如何活命)

※ im not linking to any manga sites bc uhh. piracy (pls support the original artist if u can ;w;) but if u need help finding anything or want more recs just drop an ask !!

2) those who follow me on twitter may know this alr but i started dabbling in a bit of kpop this year!! it honestly started with me reconnecting with a friend by supporting what she likes (and a bit of curiosity ngl), then it quickly spiralled out of control aha,, some friends have shared song recs so i do know other grps besides the ones listed below, but im still a casual lost person most of the time sjdsdjd

mamamoo ☀️ 26.02.19 standout songs: gleam (cf song) / gogobebe / 4x4ever

oneus 🌙 24.11.19 standout songs: lit / valkyrie / plastic flower

queendom final - album standout songs: destiny (mamamoo) / lion (g-idle) / sorry (AOA)

seventeen - by proxy standout songs: happy ending (japanese) / fear / flower

※ most of these are links to official mvs (if the song has one), which have english CC subs available! happy ending has an official mv but it doesnt have subs so i linked to a colour-coded vid instead lmao

3) ive always had this habit of just knowing about a series w/o actually getting into it, so its great that i finally got into some new stuff... even if a lot of it is still by proxy (^”: its kind of nervewracking to work with canon personalities and NOT au the shit out of everything, so thats a change of pace... still not giving up on vocaloid though !!

haikyuu!! - anime 3 drabbles

persona 5 - game by proxy 2 drabbles / 1 longfic

※ speaking of vocaloid, i was considering if i should share some recs... but decided against it or else this post is gonna be 32928 miles long orz,, i might do it next time? maybe? no promises

4) in terms of uni - jesus, where do i even begin. its been a trainwreck of grp projects this sem but thankfully my grades are still intact, and bc of a screwup with the mods my graduation has been pushed back by a whole year (thx @ uni, REALLY fueling my will to live here xoxo). its gross, it sucks, we dont stan, but what can u do, huh

… i mean i say that, but i cant deny the underlying frustration. i had only 4 mods left, was a little terrified of the idea of graduating but getting used to it, and now i have to wait a year to take my last mod. all the ppl i know in uni are graduating except me. its just... upsetting. sometimes i feel like im always the one who gets left behind.

but yea. i try not to think about it. again, what can u do but move on?

5) in terms of personal life - i know ive had like 3 major breakdowns (and some small ones in-between) over the past year. i fell out with a friend bc of my own insecurities, ive done my fair share of inexcusably shitty things, and im sorry. im working with my current counsellor to better myself. maybe im handling things a bit better than i did before, maybe im not. its a work in progress.

as for new year resolutions... i usually dont have any sdshdsjds i just hope next year will be kind. please @ god no more shitty grp projects my heart cant take it anymore

and thats 2019 - thanks for sticking around, and heres to 2020 (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

#or: what be goin on in 2019 in a nutshell #i had this saved in my drafts for a while now but added some new stuff tonight for new years #so ye tl;dr: manga recs + kp/op recs + new fandoms + irl updates under the cut #gyoomiebabbles

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bcdyhigh-blog · 6 years ago

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hey y’all !! i have this queued and everything bc my forgetful ass prob won’t be around for the soft opening.. rip. anyways i’m lia, twenty, a rpdr and retro future enthusiast, and i’m hyped as hell to introduce my Kids ! admittedly gyuri owns my heart more than max so, you can have her first, you’d prob thank me for it shortly anyways DKSLGFJ you can find her bio HERE, i also have her PLOTS and STATS pages up, so check them out as well ! and if you wanna plot, just hmu over at discord !

( KIM MINJI | CISFEMALE | SHE/HER ) I swear I saw MOON GYURI around campus yesterday. I hear the TWENTY-ONE year old is very resolute & circumspect which totally adds up since they're a TAURUS. They’re in their THIRD year and studying MUSIC PRODUCTION. you might also see them at a RADIO CLUB meeting. ( lia, nt, she/her. )

moon gyuri, a daegu native with an older sister and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

i already have an overview of her bg so i’ll stick to the basics with this copied intro gklfds

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older sister, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her sister’s still exists, it’s just that she’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from her

went to seoul arts to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! just before junior year, she transferred out of her original program, applied music with a concentration in piano, into music production and has loved it ever since

she’s making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music — going by the aliases lunar wave and leda on them respectively ( can you tell how creative i am.. seriously, im dsfggdfjk )

she’s not even close to making it big yet, having only started a few short months ago, and that being said, she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label in the future — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following for such a new acct as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

anyways she’s a member of the radio club, is usually found in either her room or some studio in the music department, and is a struggling bi baby

this is so short iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s quite a loyal person, but even she knows when to draw a line in the sand. while like i said, her relationship with her sister is Not Great, she hadn’t completely given up on her for many years. definitely for the time being, for her own benefit, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind, if her sister does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little dense on occasion and is a gentle soul overall ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal

super wary with taking risks and the like, add her stubborn nature and she’s gonna be difficult to persuade on a range of things

unwavering in her work and with those she trusts. she also is the same with herself more often than not, but she’s not exempt from having that doubtful voice in her head convincing her she’s doing a shit job in x thing to throw her off

she’s a little reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her prof or boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for class/work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? bc like i said, she’s not exempt from that Evil voice in her head and those few more.. conflicting points above, we’ll say, mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

so that being said, she’s v strong overall, takes people’s shit but if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast ( the first time around ). doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry super easily ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone and is also clumsy as absolute fuCK

uhhh

plays piano and bass guitar

prob has some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

so.. if you want in on that lmk sdgkldg

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so that’s tba rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses minji’s worn on occasion ?? rinna wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, god help her

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks between classes, prob tried to take up a creative writing class as an elective as well

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic plus her personality description is all over the place bc i’m rushing but.. i’ve gotta get to max’s info so this’ll do for now i hope ??

#sitaintro #╳┊: — welcome to chili's ! •「 ooc. 」#omg this took longer than i thought.. her pages aren't even ready yet KDLSGFKDFGL #q.

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years ago

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tfw hating life enough for a reeadmooore

‪yesterday afternoon i’d blocked out 3 pgs in my sketchbook & by that night i was thinking like well i’m so close to finished the sketchbook finally (ive been using it about a yr and a half by now) that i could just stop drawing when i hit the end there‬

but i’d mentioned the impending end of my sketchbook space a friend is already in the process of sending over some they havent ever used so that will at least mean if i stop drawing it’ll just have to be because i want to lol

like in this case it’s special b/c of course i’ve had periods where i’m like smh what if i just don’t draw anymore, but that’s tended to be about being frustrated w some element or other of it all. this time it was mostly just that every day of my life i have a tiny bit less motivation or energy or etc. yesterday i was thinking all day about offing myself, which i’d done the day before, and done today too

like, it’s nothing new, i’ve been hating being alive and wanting to kms and only moving in the direction of less disappointment to more disappointment and having to care less about things i previously cared about because for one reason or another things get to a point where it only adds frustration to my life anymore

but despite depression and wanting to die and life being miserble all being Not New, that doesn’t mean that it doesnt matter anymore, because after day after day after day after day after day of it for years and years, you’re in a worse place than you were a while back, even if you do feel the same. even a single day of wishing you were dead the whole time is shitty enough. feeling overall like even if you’re in a good mood now, you know your life is trash and you’re going to go back to feeling bad soon, is also shitty enough

like the thing that drawing had going for me is that, like reading and writing sometimes and even some other shit, it’s something i like to do. i do it for myself, really. but it helps that its the way i trick ppl into being here in the first place to see anything i’m talking about. i have really crap appeal. i mean i’m bad at being appealing thru shit i draw, but it’s still way more of something anybody wants vs like five yrs worth of my text posts. like...i have over 10x more followers than i did on a blog where i rarely drew anything ever

but anyways despite me drawing b/c i enjoy it, i enjoy enjoying things less. always in the middle of that “loss of interest in pleasure” life lol.......it doesn’t really matter how long i do or don’t keep drawing, b/c i mean, it doesn’t much matter to me whether i’m having fun or not. i can be enjoying drawing and still wanting to die, because that’s whats happening lol.....nothing that’s a personal factor of my life is all that important to me, because my personal existence is not that important to the person living it

also it sure hasnt helped that my sense of things like whether my life can get better or i’ll have the opportunity to pursue my nonexistent dreams or live an ideal version of my life that also doesn’t exist are all at all-time lows and only just getting lower day by week by month by year. the only way i can even look at cheering myself up is from a day-to-day perspective. and i can have a slightly more fun day than usual and then be extra down on the very next day b/c of how being a bit less numb means you’re crap-feeling emotions are now game too. and i’m very aware of how, if you’re not in a position that insulates you enough, if things get worse for you, that makes “things getting worse for you” more likely, and it’s an exponential drop that gets harder and harder to climb out of, and even if you move back up a notch out of good luck, you’re still just as likely to be knocked back down to where you were. the odds of me suddenly not only not fucking hating being alive but also having a life that doesnt fucking make me hate being alive? that’s a funny joke

‪also it’s frustrating that whether i feel good or miserable on any given day only really exists if i say something about it in a post like this lol... like i might feel awful one day but if i dont have it in me to spend ages writing about it, which is difficult also b/c putting feelings into words where ppl will only fully Get It if they’ve felt that way too, anyways if i dont write about how shitty i feel and post it then maybe later on when i’m feeling a little better or feeling a different kind of shitty, i also won’t be interested in being like “oh btw i felt awful the other day.” and if i don’t mention it, as far as everyone in the world knows, it was never a thing that happened, so it might as well not have. i mean, as a person i might as well not be happening, especially since i don’t want me to be happening lol‬

and like i was saying to someone the other day, its a lot harder via text to talk about shit b/c like, if you’re with a friend in person, you can talk abt boring or silly things and its easy and makes a good conversation. whereas talking via twitter means it would be clunky and time consuming to layout exactly had empty and depressing my existence is, and silly shit isn’t even worth the energy when you’re having a convo w lengthy gaps in it, so you can only really talk about the broadest, most interesting shit. which i don’t have much of, oh well

i do like talking and talking to people actually, it’s just rough when it’s all a few ppl online, even though i alsp extremely appreciate those people and enjoy the talking. it’s like, chatting to ppl online is like a piece of chocolate cake. it’s delicious and you love it, but it would be amazing if it was the extra bonus on top of getting solid meals every day, instead of it being the only thing you have to eat and you get it maybe once or twice a week and it’s still wonderful and is all the more valuable for it, but it isnt the same as getting enough to eat always, or Knowing you’ll keep getting enough to eat

anyways my social life is always its own special kind of depressing, even when i AM in the same place as friends. you’d have a hard time finding a situation where the concept of What I Have To Say seems interesting or even relevant to other ppl. and im not sure i’ve ever been in groups where i feel totally comfortable with everyone there and don’t feel out of place. so talking about the idea of knowing you always have access to someone to talk to or be with in person or having friends who you know you can hang out with and they actually like you and you still expect to have them a few yrs down the road—all that’s always been a “well, in theory i mean” or “at least, i imagine it would be like that” issue for me

tbh i generally feel the most comfortable enjoying myself when i do something alone; maybe it’s because i have more experience of ppl im around treating me really shittily than treating me well

ohhhhhh wellllllllllllllll what else do i have to talk about. hmmm the fact that feeling like i wanna die only seems to be regarded as an issue of “well are you gonna or not,” aka if you havent its a Victory and a happy situation instead of it being a matter of EVERY DAY I’M A CONSCIOUS ORGANISM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION FOR AT LEAST THE LAST HALF OF IT

like how heartwarming that i’ve been actively suicidal for how many years? 6? 8? but i havent yet!! i always want to but just never get around to it and so this time for sure lol no more fooling around!! oh dammit and there goes another birthday still alive. like this is some elusive new years resolution or novel i mean to write.

funny i mention it because there’s practically nothing anymore that i want to do. even if i THOUGHT my life would ever become okay, i want fuckall out of it. i only exist, baby............and it’s like i said earlier, whenever i try to come up with a sad amount of potential motivations NOT to die, i have to realize that none of the shit is actually for me, or directly about me, or centered on me. like, this shit lost its charm ages ago.

well anyways. i suppose thats all i can think to say now. and it doesn’t make a difference whether i talk about my shitass existence and how crap i feel or not. it just gives the chance for a bit of it to exist in the world via a few other ppl being aware of it for a few minutes maybe, because who DOESNT want to thoroughly read a shit essay by some random weirdo about how everything sucks. the end

#i was innovative and typed this in twitter dark mode so my phone could have a break from me embedding the keyboard in the screen #anyways i wanna dye 😂😂😂

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kosmicdream · 7 years ago

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im at work binging the ffak faq tag because fuck it (also its 76 pages) and I have a Q: do you think you've had any significant changes to ur influences from 2 years ago?

Omg Im so sorry, the ffak faq is in.. a desperate need of organization. Its something i want to try to get to at some point but it also really overwhelms me. Thankfully though I don’t think i’ve gotten this question!

I’d say yes? there has been a couple significant changes in my influences. I’ve been through a lot in the past 2 years and some of my tastes have reflected that. However its probably not a whole lot. I’m the kind of person that is very nostalgically committed to things, so once something has made its way into my heart at some point it pretty much just stays there forever. Even if i don’t really think or care about it that much I’ll reflect on it and what about that work might have influenced me as time goes on. I also dont really take the time to experience new media. If i do, i want to experience all of it at once in a binge reading experience and I can really mess up my schedule in the result of doing that lol.

I’d say the biggest impact has been Vinland Saga which I think I read sometime in.. I think after july in 2017 sometime..? I’m not completely sure of the date, but it was in 2017. I love Vinland Saga so much now that I think its my favorite manga at this point. A place in my heart where I used to reserve for.. Berserk, i think. Berserk used to be (and of course still is) one of my strongest inspirations but my feelings towards it have kind of gotten more and more sour and critical even though I still deeply appreciate it and I wouldnt be the same artist without -- I still want to see the fruition of that story. But. Its not really my sweetheart anymore lol. I think its a common thing to relate berserk and vinland saga as well (or at least, I’ve seen the comparison quite a lot in reviews?) despite how those two stories are actually significantly different from eachother and its probably kind of a cheap comparison to make. (i think berserk is often just Used As A Comparison To Things because Its Berserk. Its just that kind of series.)

BUT the reason why I’m using it here, is that for me-- both these comics affected me very deeply, during very dark times in my life, and unlike in berserk which almost sucked me into a deeper depression of hopelessness-- vinland saga had a resolution of sorts that felt cathartic, healing and hopeful. in a way i have not really experienced in a story before. it was genuinely one of the BEST reading experiences i have ever had and even if that story is still unfinished, the conclusion of an arc was enough for me to feel like i got a satisfaction from this story in a way i didn’t expect to come at ALL or so early. It makes me feel so happy in my heart and I love it so much for what it gave me. (I also was very fond of thorfinn from the beginning of that story, which i usually dont care for protagonists that much, its usually some other character i get attached to.)

I don’t really expect berserk to give me a ‘pay off’ at this point and so I’m kind of thankful that i have found another series that i can connect with in this very specific deep way like i did with berserk, but also kind of gave a sense of closure so that I can almost appreciate berserk more now instead of feeling bitter towards it. I dont need it to do anything more because vinland saga helped give me that already. Vinland Saga also, from a visual standpoint, inspired me a lot to work more on my art and pages. (or specifically, spend more time on my pages to make them look better.)

I think besides that comic, which is the hands down #1 biggest influence, i also have very recently read Houseki No Kuni/Land of the Lustrous and it also inspired me quite a lot but in totally different ways. I could probably go on and on about it as well but I think to summarize my feelings is that it made me excited about manga again. I want to see more stories like this which are creative, yet simple and flexible and the art perfectly compliments the narrative. It really feels like the artist knows what they want to talk about and they are comfortable drawing in the way they like to.

Other comics I have read recently and its completion are: FMA, Eden: its an endless world!FMA was very solid and I feel it completely deserves the attention it gets but i also don’t feel like I really need to think about it anymore now that I’m done reading it??? I guess its almost too polished for me? I still am thankful i finally decided to read it and I enjoyed it a lot. Alphonse is wonderful. Eden made me annoyed for... a lot of reasons LOL but I also really think its going to be a comic that ill dissect my emotions over and think about in detail. and i can really appreciate when a story might not really be my think but was different and still interesting enough to make me fuss over. Also for whatever reason the scans i read of that comic had hilarious, and i think purposefully so, sound effects and i have not laughed so hard at such inappropriate moments in a manga ever before and I think that makes that reading experience so special to me. in such a strange way. and i absolutely want to use sound effects like in that comic.. thing

I think in the past 2 years i also finished rereading Parasyte (because i never got to the ending when i first started reading it) and i also kind of feel kind of a mixed bag with that story. The premise was so exciting when i first read it years ago, i think in 2010 is when i first read it, but i ran out of volumes and never got back to it. Now that i finished it I was like oh that was it? ok i guess. and I dont really feel like i was as excited about it.I also read Devilman in the past 2 years and that was interesting? to reflect on from like, a historical significance point of view but like. I didn’t super duper get into it. It almost felt like a needed reading requirement that i had put off for way too long and Now i feel like I have a better context to the evolution of many of my favorite comics and where they draw influence from in this series. (Also it was very fun to watch the yuasa adaptation recently bc yuasa is one of my biggest art influences for his kemonozume series specifically)

Hmm I’m trying to think of anything else, but honestly Vinland Saga feels are still pouring thru so I guess... vinland saga lol.

Oh! I finally read Pluto by Naoki Urasawa in the past couple years (i think) and, like, i already love Urasawa (Monster is hands down one of my favorite comics/animes), i love tezuka (i will literally read anything he made), i knew id adore Pluto and.. i did! I think one of my new projects (replacer) was definitely influenced by pluto in a huge way.

A couple weeks ago i read Witch Hat Atelier and it was gorgeous, but short so far.

Ok I can’t really think of anything else but I hope this has been interesting/informative of what is circling around in my head at the moment! :D thanks for asking.

#ffak faq #ffak #feast for a king #vinland saga #i just love thorfinn #smugplankton

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jinxiaroo · 4 years ago

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1/28/21 11:53pm

im currently listening to oblivion, by rufi-o, lily potter

i feel like recently i have been in a little rut. nothing crazy depressing but ive just been in bed watching tv alot and not doing a whole lot of personal improvement. i had all these new years resolution which to my surprise i have been keeping up or at least im putting in effort to do. after a 24 hr shift, i found the energy to mvoe all my furniture in my room and switch it around, do some laundry and heat up some dinner. then today found the energy to go to the gym, did my usual routine. and i ran. i fucking ran. also very surprised by how good i felt for the first 3 mins. cause usually right when i start i feel like dying so please dont judge me. i think i found all these motivation because of this guy i watched on tik tok and i thought he was so romantic and cute. hes so charming and funny. he takes you on these walks around nature in vancouver, these little adventures in the wild. rain or shine. sometimes you get a glimpse of his life when he post the little few mins in. i think it really helped me alot. it feels like therapy. it reminds me how beautiful life is. during covid, i questioned alot of who i am and what am i suppose to do. all my purpose and honestly. i think i was in a really bad place for a little bit. i did a lot of drugs hoping the days would go a little bit faster. i was so lonely and times were just very uncertain. esp when i couldnt see my friend or family since i had to take care of covid patients. i dont blame any one but the situation was shitty. i made the best out of it. currently, we are running out of icu beds again. and honestly, i am scared. i’m scared i wont be able to see my loved ones again. it makes me so emotional that im living through this and that even though it hasnt even happened, how terrified i am even thinking about it. everyone at work is stressed and overworked. i know we make the best out of it. i do too. i try to make my nurses life easier but doing what is only necessary but we are just so tired and sick of people being sick.

but yeah i was in a little rut and he inspired me to get my shit together. i actually wanna pick up a camera again. go out and maybe just take random pictures cause why the fuck not. it makes me happy i should do it. i also think having a boyfriend makes me forget that i need to take care of myself as well. i love him so much and wish for the best and would do anything to help him succeed in life. i hope he stays in my life for a good and long time. its not the crazy infatuating love that i experienced but its this calming thing that i know everything will be okay. that even if i wont figure out i know he will be there to help me figure it out together and its a very comforting feeling. im surprised at how comfortable i am being with him. he accepts that i am so crazy and irrational sometimes. he tolerates my random burst of energy, my crazy mood swings. he just hugs me when im feeling down for honest to god no reason. i know im not the easiest person to be with, esp with my bad mood swings but hes does, i appreciate it so much. he makes me want to be a even better version of me. i see how he tries to be a better version of him and that makes me want to be a better version of me. thats probably the best part of him. also he cooks. thank god. i really hope this all ends soon. i wanted to get a type writer, just to send random letters to people. how cute would that be?

life is good, i am so lucky to be able to work and be in the position that i am. i get all the things that i want, i have great friends, a loving family, shelter over my head and a great bf. i just wanted to write this all down so remind myself that sometimes it might be a bad week, a bad month but this is such a good life and soemetimes i might not know why im upset for whatever reason but overall, this is a happy life. nothings perfect but be grrateful for all the things you have. productivity always make me feel good. makes me feel like im actually doing something with my life.

thanks for reading. just a mini update .

ps. im traveling again ! 1. rhode island 2. san fran and reno/tahoe (northstar resort) - im learning how to skiii, i got on the blue ! 3. yellowstone.

pss. got i fucking miss traveling so much. just take my money and give my travel dopamine please. im fucking sick of nyc.

#jinx'snotes

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sloblesbian · 7 years ago

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been doing a new years resolution & reflection post every year since 2014 so im gonna continue that trend.

personally this was a really great year for me. it’s very weird. things are objectively bad. if you think too much about the future things start to fall apart. there isn’t anything to rely on, outside of my own ability, and that’s limited in what i can do without support. but. it’s not hopeless. i dream a lot of finally graduating and getting a job that will keep me more than just barely afloat, and of what that could mean for me... i won’t graduate for at least 2 year (i need 56 more credits-- i think after 2 years i’ll have 2 more classes to get in, unless i manage either some summer courses or 2 semesters of 5 classes, both of which are unlikely) and even then i know finding a job is hard. theoretically i could start now but i find it difficult to work 30 hours a week and go to school. i’m also afraid that i might make less at an entry level job than at my current job... but maybe this summer i will apply at some bookstores & libraries.

also... i really love my girlfriend. she’s coming to stay with me for 2 weeks in march and i am so excited. it’s been a good year for us. every day i talk to her and she really understands and like, gets me you know? i am amazed and i fall in love some more.

also i accomplished a ton in 2017. maybe not the things i set out to (i finished 1 sock that i started last november, lol, and the only short stories i read were a few online and for school) but i transferred to RIC. i only took 2 classes because i couldnt register till june but i got As in both of them and my gpa is a 4.0 which has never happened in my LIFE. i’m excited about the classes i’m starting this month, and after i finish spanish & anthropology i should only have english classes from then on out. i wouldn’t say i love my current job but it’s miles better than working in retail. it’s less stressful and while i’m generally working less hours i am making a little bit more. it feels necessary & helpful as opposed to being in an endless capitalism machine that only exists to grind me down for unreasonable standards.

but i did read 100 books which was real touch & go for a while.. the first couple months of 2017 i barely read & felt like i had lost my ability to plow thru a ton of books, then the middle of the year i caught up & jumped ahead... fell behind, etc. i finished my last book on the 28th though. i read a lot of comics; my page count for this year is way down, but it doesn’t matter. that’s still damn impressive.

and for things i didn’t plan at all but still accomplished: i wrote 4 pieces of fiction this year. i mean. they’re all fanfiction, which isn’t really something i even read never mind write, which i think is maybe??? sort of even more impressive? i’m going to try and write some original stuff in the coming year but like. right after nanowrimo, my friends and i, who were previously in the fictional coalition of writers who don’t write, uh, all started writing. which is great. but i mean. i started writing in february? march? i wrote a 10k word fic, and then a short follow up, a short pjo thing, and i wrote another 6000 words this month but it’s not on ao3 cause it’s like... a complementary piece to something that isn’t finished yet, lol. overall about 20k words which isn’t too much in the long run but i like that i wrote 4 completed pieces. it’s nice because i had sort of let myself give up on writing because... i mostly don’t enjoy it. i don’t like scrounging for ideas. but i do like planning things out enough, outlining what i want to happen, and then writing the whole thing. it’s like writing a list and then accomplishing it which... as u know, i love. as far as i can tell uhh most people don’t need to do this. i really have to know like. the end trajectory of a piece before i start writing. i don’t have to know every detail but if i am confused to where it’s going i can’t write it. i’m not great at ideas but i am good at making things happen. it feels nice to accomplish something creative, when i basically haven’t since i uhhh dropped out of art school.

also, i wrote 47 reviews, which, damn! i (read: my bff & roommate mags) put up a new website, even if it is going to come down this month (i think. i wanna transfer everything first) and i wrote a review nearly every week and a lot of them were good. like. that’s a lot of writing, between fiction & what have u, what category do my dumb reviews fall under.

(FOOD/DIET warning i dont wanna put it in the tags of the post just skip this paragraph) oh also i cut dairy & eggs (& also gelatin & honey, i guess) out of my diet, & i feel very very good about it (also i think i lost something like 20 lbs-- i don’t weigh myself but uhhh thats good thats very good). when i stopped eating meat in 2010 i lived with my mom & my intention was to one day go vegan but like... i didn’t want to put the strain on her & also i sometimes struggle with food things. but it’s gone really well. it’s nice. feel good. love to cook. very good at it.

so like...... a really good year for me. here’s what i want out of 2018

i’m cutting my reading goal down specifically because i don’t think it’s something that can grow exponentially and i think the main reason i was able to accomplish it was because i didn’t have too much school this year. when i started setting goals for myself in 2012 my original goal was 50 books; that’s what we’re going back to.

every year (except 2016 when i was realistic) i told myself i would read more short stories & knit more. i’m hoping that having less to read (which i prioritize over all other hobbies) will give me more time. also i have a desk & a chair set up which... idk... helps? i put some knitting stuff there & grafted the toe of a sock the other day, so i hope it does, at least. i read a short story yesterday so i hope that’s a portent for 2018. i want to finish the time travelers almanac at least. i have a lot of collections and i do enjoy them. it’s just easier to get through novels than anything else.

if u follow my twitter you have probably heard me say this but: 2018 is the year of the video game for me. im, uh, terrible at games- im fairly certain i have dyspraxia, at least mildly (im wildly, wildly uncoordinated)- but for a while i was playing a few because i had done it enough that i had gotten better..... well, this year i played persona 5, which i really loved like. more than any video game in a long time. i know a lot of people were disappointed with aspects of it (rightly so) but i had never played another persona game so i think that probably shaped my opinion some, and also, i think p5 dealt with issues that i really love to see in fiction & generally don’t, even if it ultimately dropped the ball. anyway. it kind of revitalized my interest, and i want to play more. i have p4 that i want to get through. i never finished usum. i have a bunch of games on steam & mags let me sign into their steam library too & they have about 400 games (thats not an exaggeration). i wanna replay me2&3 for sid. i want to practice so i can play games that are more difficult than i usually do. (mass effect being the sole fps i can play, usually i can only play very linear rpgs (think pokemon & dragon age) and uhhh puzzle games, god i love puzzle games)

so, more concretely:

read 50 books

try to read more short stories

knit more

play video games

do well in school

that sounds good. happy new year.

#year in review #diary tag #long post

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whitegladiolus · 6 years ago

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im doing an askmeme for my three and simply answering everything lol. below the cut and the meme is this one.

morning 🌞📿

Are they physically affectionate? extremely in private and after like permission to be (time/obviousness/etc); eventually in public, too, once he’s married and like... u kno once u save the world or whatever it feels like people can get over u kissing in public even if ur using tongue. Do they have a type? Decently Attractive And Nice To Me What are their deal breakers? being called. stupid. lmfao. unwillingness to engage like emotionally. inability to take him seriously. like being too mean. Are they sub, dom or switch? i feel like this was meant to be top/bottom/switch bc like sub/dom is so... specific to a subculture. morning doesn’t really like hardline d/s stuff. he likes a little light bondage in either role is as far as he’d go. How long do their relationships tend to last? real relationships he usually lets fizzle out, so they go longer than they should. shortest was a year. but he had a lot of one-offs, or things he knew would only go for like a month. Would they ever get married? he IS married. he is married and IN LOVE. Do they give their partners cute nicknames? nothing will top honeybee he really peaked huh Are they more sensual or sexual? hard to say... he is very sexual but i guess for him with gman after like. the first few times together i wouldn’t really separate these two. What is their favorite outside of the bedroom activity to do with their partner? kind of just lay around on each other? snuggling but like when ur doing other things like reading What is their favorite bedroom activity to do with their partner? nothing in particular, i think, he’s mostly seeking out specific sounds and reactions. getting him sputtering. Are they prone to jealousy? noooot really Does their demeanor change when in a relationship? yeah... he’s... he’s already SO sweet but he gets really touchy-feely like a cat next to a heater. uhh very defensive of the other person i guess too. Do they display affection in public? What about in private? answered above Are they open to threesomes or a polyamorous relationship? threesomes yes but not polyamory he can’t manage that Do they have a certain type of person they will not enter into a relationship with? people who are Too Mean How long until they feel secure and comfortable in a relationship? LMFAO YEARS :-) Would they ever confess their feelings first? only after being EXTREMELY SURE the other person would reciprocate. sometimes u already live together and whatever before u say anything. it’s no big deal. (it is kinda) Would they ever cheat on their partner? no :( Do they want children? yes :) and he has three :) Are they a cuddler? big time baby....... absolute top tier big spoon material but likes being laid on and laying on others too. hims... a cat. Do they believe in soul mates? yes.................................................. Are they protective of their partner? yes............................................. sometimes u die in a graveyard for them lol How far are they willing to go for the person they love? sometimes ur happy to die to the king of demons if it means ur family wont deal with it :))))) Do they fall in love easily? emotionally he is an open oozing wound so yes Do they share information about their relationships freely with friends and family? absolutely not Are they concerned with the social status of their partner? nope Do they tend to sleep better when in bed with their partner? of course. of course. warm. tender touching. little sleep noises. the delight of waking up first and seeing his stupid sleep face. it’s all very good.

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sawyer 🗡️🐀

i dont know why the formatting went haywire here lmfao

Are they physically affectionate? they can be? but it’s not common or meant to express affection. they’re not really assocating “i want to hang off this person” with affection even if that’s what it might be.

Do they have a type? fast and clever and loud. somebody who can keep up with them but not like tie them down while STILL having a Okay... No point. i hate to say this. but probably fucking benny.

What are their deal breakers? too serious, not willing to break rules for the sake of fun. rigidity in general.

Are they sub, dom or switch? absolutely hates d/s stuff. in general the epitome of vers tho.

How long do their relationships tend to last? not long at all. they were married i guess three times but the longest of those was like... i wanna say three years. they’re too flighty.

Would they ever get married? for japes and fun.

Do they give their partners cute nicknames? not really

Are they more sensual or sexual? sexual

What is their favorite outside of the bedroom activity to do with their partner? i feel like crimes is too on the nose, but probably pranks and capers. just something active and fast. dungeon delving. object recovery. setting up OR solving a mystery.

What is their favorite bedroom activity to do with their partner? Weird Physical Things. changing their body around mid act. wrestling for dominance. etc.

Are they prone to jealousy? nope

Does their demeanor change when in a relationship? incidentally being sawyer’s friend is exactly like being their partner except you see them naked 45% less

Do they display affection in public? What about in private? they will in public if they think it’ll embarrass their partner. privately they have like moments of compulsion where they can’t like... help but be affectionate. like walk by and spontaneously hug or kiss their face or whatever. a random vigorous handshake. stuff like that.

Are they open to threesomes or a polyamorous relationship? yes and yes but they don’t really have the stability to do the latter

Do they have a certain type of person they will not enter into a relationship with? the answer to this is Morning, while also resolutely knowing they would 100% fuck the daylights out of him

How long until they feel secure and comfortable in a relationship? immediately, but their idea of these things is admittedly way different from normal

Would they ever confess their feelings first? i don’t think they have ever actually confessed feelings. they just kind of express things and figure they’ll figure it out or just like Know it. possibly this is why they have had three divorces lmfao.

Would they ever cheat on their partner? nah

Do they want children? not when their friends have so generously provided them with theirs :)

Are they a cuddler? in the way a cold animal is

Do they believe in soul mates? no

Are they protective of their partner? not really

How far are they willing to go for the person they love? they don’t really have separate spheres of Friends and Partners so equidistant on the terms of: Well I Won’t Die, But Someone Else Might

Do they fall in love easily? yes and no, i will not explain further

Do they share information about their relationships freely with friends and family? ajfl;ajg;ahga no they just think everyone knows what they know and don’t realize that like. if you could have a passive deception score. theirs is 25.

Are they concerned with the social status of their partner?nnnnah

Do they tend to sleep better when in bed with their partner? it keeps them worm :o)

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constance 🐿️🏜️

Are they physically affectionate? haltingly. he’s affectionate enough with people he likes in general - lot of casual touching, upper arms and shoulders. but that drops away once he’s aware of like. Having Feelings. gets awkward. Do they have a type? no! :-) What are their deal breakers? impatience, lack of curiosity Are they sub, dom or switch? he is a baby, he does not know these things. the only thing about a d/s relationship that would appeal to him is the aftercare part and you can just, like, have that. you can have just that lol. How long do their relationships tend to last? he’d try and make it work as long as he could, or as long as feasible. he knows people have Responsibilities. Would they ever get married? for love? possibly. in general? he will. Do they give their partners cute nicknames? only if they do first, mirrors a lot of behavior in order to figure out what feels good Are they more sensual or sexual? sensual............................ What is their favorite outside of the bedroom activity to do with their partner? he likes to rough house. share things he’s learning or working on. ideally he would do projects with his partner. just having smth to work on together. Collaborative Efforts. What is their favorite bedroom activity to do with their partner? constance............................................ makes love and i can’t answer this. the answer is sucking dick but it’s killing me to type it. my hands are shaking. Are they prone to jealousy? oh absolutely. hypervigilant towards being replaced. it’s not like great. Does their demeanor change when in a relationship? more bashful. he’s trying a lot of new things/new ways of being with people. uhh more willing to just be exuberant and enthusiastic about things, as opposed to trying to check those behaviors in order to not take up too much space/seem too affected. Do they display affection in public? What about in private? only until somebody said something, and then he’d stop. privately it’s extremely muted, small things like just some part of the body touching or whatever rather than like constant petting or etc. Are they open to threesomes or a polyamorous relationship? probably he would have a threesome under EXTREMELY SPECIFIC circumstances. not polyamory though. Do they have a certain type of person they will not enter into a relationship with? someone who’s going to antagonize (like genuinely antagonize) him for fun, make fun of his interests, etc How long until they feel secure and comfortable in a relationship? i don’t know! i think there is a comfort that comes with knowing something is going to end eventually. Would they ever confess their feelings first? nah, he’s used to just simmering on things. also he really wants to be romanced while knowing it won’t happen without some kind of catalyst from himself, but that kind of defeats the purpose of the thing. Would they ever cheat on their partner? i want to say no, but he would openly have an affair in the marriage his parents arranged. on somebody he actually considered his partner, however? no. Do they want children? i don’t know that he can separate want and will have honestly Are they a cuddler? not at first. he doesn’t really know what’s appropriate. eventually he would be but only for a little bit at a time. doing it for too long would drive him nuts. Do they believe in soul mates? hmmm.... no Are they protective of their partner? in the sense that he is for most people... but not especially so. lot of respect for autonomy. How far are they willing to go for the person they love? :-) we’ll find out won’t we :-) Do they fall in love easily? kind of. there’s handful of different little gestures that would do it near immediately. Do they share information about their relationships freely with friends and family? yeah Are they concerned with the social status of their partner? he really has a strong division between partner and spouse - for a partner, no. for a spouse, yes. he’d have to be like REALLY in love or else REALLY established individually in order to ignore it. Do they tend to sleep better when in bed with their partner? yeah, sometimes it helps just to know you make someone happy ya kno

#dusty do this #simple passion #simple violence #bloody mischancing

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scriptshrink · 8 years ago

Text

Borderline Personality Disorder: Intense/Fluctuating emotions, personal experience

Hey there. I have borderline personality disorder, depression and bulimia. Figured I’d put all that time I’ve spent analysing my emotions and thinking patterns to good use and write up how I experience BPD. This relates to how I experience the intense and fluctuating emotions.

Reminder that this is all my personal experiences. They’re not universal amongst people with BPD.

TW for cutting, suicidal thoughts, violent thoughts, violence, eating disorder, depression.

If I’m not feeling something really strongly, I’m feeling nothing. That ‘I don’t know how to like things casually’ post is really accurate. And if I feel nothing I’m really aimless and bored but without the drive to do something. I don’t tend to do anything unless someone else gives me something to do, my usual hobbies tend to be just as boring. Usually I end up sleeping or watching TV shows to pass time. A lot of my day to day life is finding distractions, because I’m bored. Always bored. So bored. To Do lists work really well for me because they give me things to do, rather than make me think them up on the spot. I guess I must have some kind of normal emotional reactions but I can’t think of any times where that happens, I’m bored. When that goes on too long, I’m tired/depressed. If something enjoyable happens, my day suddenly revolves around that or it’s fleetingly good and then I’m tired and bored.

Below are the most common emotions that I have actual ‘episodes’ of. They tend to last at least five to ten minutes up to a few hours. Rarely, a standard high will last overnight/through a sleep. Both the depression moods can go from minutes to weeks.

Highs: Standard, weird. (These are the terms I use to describe/differentiate between the types of high/up moods I experience.)

Standard highs are great. You know when you drink coffee for the first time and you get so wired? It’s a bit like that. My brain gets really energised and I come up with new ideas for things and start planning them out. I also work on existing projects, if I think to direct my energy to them, because the energy doesn’t really mind what I’m working on, creativity and drive is on 100%. Sometimes I talk a lot, in conversations or to myself. If I’m nattering to myself, I find it hard to stay on one topic, everything leads into something else or a new idea comes up and takes over. Physically, my heart sometimes races and I get a weird feeling of anticipation in my stomach. It’s really frustrating because it’s like something exciting is about to happen but nothing is and there’s no reason for it. Uh, if I’m talking to myself I tend to walk really fast, usually I kind of stroll everywhere but during highs I’m really power walking, not quite to breathlessness. I find that if I do the power walk and talking combo, when I stop walking for more than five or ten minutes the high goes away. Sometimes I clean, usually making a resolution that this time I’m going to get my life on track for real, organising everything, setting things up, maybe even cooking. Energy level wise, I feel like I could probably run a marathon but I never do much more physical than cleaning/fast walking.

Weird highs: where I have ideas and weird but funny/important/interesting (at least to me) thoughts that I *need* to tell people. It usually leads to me spamming a couple of friends with FB messages, unless someone happens to be online and engages with something I say. Like, I might send someone thirty messages in an hour or two, starting with an idea for a business, fleshing this plan out, also do you watch Daredevil because I just started and its awesome, why do shows have love interests all the time, hey so I want to touch that body but not in the sex way??? Does that even make sense? It should make sense. Im taking you off the list of people I have a crush on and putting you back square in the friend list because I need room for daredevil. Why are there spiders in my room? This is really freaky. Theres a spider on my bed noopeeee. Never going to sleep again. Hey have you seen this tumblr post. It reminds me of you. Oh did you end up eating anything? You need to eat. Hey, how do you think zombies know to avoid walking though fire? Because they do seem to know in the walking dead, which suggests they have some kind of self preservation instinct. Unless they know there’s food in the fire, then they walk in. So not much self preservation. What part of the brain would need to be functioning for that? New project for holidays: an extensive report on the bodily functions of zombies and the necessary brain areas needed to achieve them, along with the resultant emotions that they could hypothetically be feeling.

And so on and so forth. Usually with degenerating spelling and grammar. If, however, the person responded to say, ‘Do you watch Daredevil?’ with ‘omg yes, who is your favourite character?’ then the weird would probably be focused to Daredevil commentary.

Weird highs tend to simply be less coherent, less productive and with an undertone of anxiousness or uncomfortable energy. Sudden loud noises or shadows or other scary/superstition things feel a lot more frightening. Like, I *will* be afraid the Joker is in my cupboard, especially at night. Think about it like a standard high being the energy that comes from downing a dozen energy drinks and a weird high is when you’re incredibly sleep deprived to the point where you’re past tired to energised.

Anger

Anger was actually the first thing that made me think I might have BPD. I’m not actually sure if it’s triggered by anything or my brain just randomly makes the switch but I go from zero to raging-enough-to-murder-you in like, ten seconds. Like, so much angry energy inside that I have to move. I shake my hands at my sides a lot (I also do that when I’m stressing out), again, lots of power walking and talking. Violent thoughts are really big when I’m overwhelmingly angry, sometimes I’ll self harm or want to self harm to try and let the anger out. I have this idea that I’m full to bursting with this energy and cutting will let some of it bleed out. Alternatively, everything and everyone pisses me the fuck off. Like, breathtakingly angry (for some reason that phrase always occurs to me when I’m mad). Best example is from when I was on a psych ward. There was this lady, A, who did not shut up. She’d talk about herself and her husband (switching between how good he was and how he’d abandoned her), telling everyone that they were beautiful and shouldn’t be on here, getting upset (although she never yelled). She did not stop. No one liked her much because she didn’t listen, just talked. And I didn’t like her either but I work in hospitality, I have an excellent customer service face. But one night I flipped into rage mode and was pacing the ward. Mad about most of the people, about the announcements that were always going on, about not being allowed to leave or being able to get outside. And I turned a corner, saw A at the other end of the hall and was utterly furious with her because she didn’t get the fucking message, she kept talking, just fucking say something A, I fucking dare you, I will rip your head off. I was 100% ready to try and break her neck if she talked to me, my hands were like…phantom urges to do it. And she walked past me and said I didn’t look okay and I said ‘I’m not’, and she obviously realised not to talk to me. So I went three or four laps of the ward wanting nothing more than to physically rip A’s head off and wondering if today would be the day I actually did something because I’m on a psych ward, why not? (Because even when that furious, I know the difference between legal and illegal so I am aware that I can’t actually use an insanity plea. Being borderline doesn’t erase your awareness/knowledge of things.) Then I saw one of the girls who was receiving involuntary ECT and she looked like crap and I started fantisizing about suffocating her, because I couldn’t think of a way to break her out of the ward and my anger had switched to the fact that she was being forced to have ECT.

The anger mood can be good though, I tend to do my more active social justicey things in an angry state. Like letter writing or getting involved in debates. I rarely have the emotional spoons to get into conversations with centre/right wing people about politics anymore, unless I’m in an angry state. But there’s a line, sometimes the anger state becomes too much and tips over into feeling helpless rage and then I just end up spiralling from anger to depression because there’s nothing I can do. So anger can be good but it’s a fine thing.

One other thing. A few of sites I’ve visited suggest that people with BPD can have problems controlling anger. This isn’t something I have a problem with because I’m one of those people who overanalyses everything, which has helped me keep perspective. I think of my brain as split into two parts, subjective, which rules the roost, and objective, which is aware of what, why and how my subjective brain twists things and how I *should* be acting. I essentially logic myself through anger episodes because on one level I realise that my anger isn’t justified/relative to the situation. One of my psychs put it as ‘using intelligence to mitigate borderline personality’. I mention this because it was an interesting idea to me, often in fiction smart characters suffer from mental illnesses of some kind but I have never seen that intelligence used to combat it as well.

Depression: Empty, Painful. (Again, these are just the terms I use to differentiate)

Depression is weird. When I received the diagnosis of BPD earlier this year, the doctors suggested that my depression was less severe than previously thought and was exacerbated by being borderline. I don’t know. Interesting thought about interactions, I guess? Anyway, being depressed works in one of two ways. Empty, which is like…being bored but worse? Aimless, no emotions, not sad, not seeing the point of anything. Not in a suicidal way, just that there seems no logical reason for anything. The thought of suicide is more because I need to *do* something, but nothing really has any point so might as well die. It’s more of a…a logical conclusion to a series of thoughts? Empty depressed is a bit like strapping on a backpack of rocks every time you try to do anything, physically things seem to take more effort. But there’s not really a corresponding emotional heaviness. I feel like I should be sad, and sometimes I *do* get sad (not depressed, just sad), but it really is nothingness. I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.

Painful depression is a whole different kettle of fish. That hurts a lot, emotionally. I often feel like there’s something in my chest that’s hurting, but also like a vacuum, and I tend to do things to try and protect that area. Cross my arms or put something heavy on my chest (I love weighted blankets for that). Mostly I’ll go to bed and curl in a ball with my arms/toys/pillow/a wadded blanket/something pressed into my chest. If I cry, I’ll silently scream into the exhalations until I haven’t got any breath left. It’s all trying to dig whatever the feeling is out of my chest. Self loathing really digs its claws in as well, some of which is due to eating disorder thinking. Painful depression and eating disorder thinking like to go hand in hand. Physically, energy isn’t really a thing. Mainly because the emotional hurt makes it feel too hard to do anything. Lots of blasting music when I’m like this. Sometimes I binge watch TV, but usually that’s too hard and I don’t feel like I want to. Painful depression is when suicidal thoughts become a real danger for me, because it’s an emotional drive to make the pain stop, rather than a more intellectual reasoning.

Episodic vs. Everyday thinking.

Something I feel like I need to add, especially after the anger part. None of what I think/feel when I’m in an extreme is different to what I would think/feel normally. They’re just about 1000 times more intense than usual. I always have some level of ‘There’s a monster in my cupboard’ fear or ‘I want to stab this person in the face’ anger because these are things that I, personally, think and feel normally. The difference between the ‘baseline’ emotion and a borderline episode (for want of a better word) is the intensity of the emotion. During an episode, the feeling is dialled right up so the corresponding thoughts become a lot more central and a lot less casual.

Example: Fear.

Scene: I’ve missed a call from my parents. I call back. No one answers.

Baseline thought: What if someone’s died? Haha yeah right. You know, I’ll feel really bad if someone has died and I just laughed. I didn’t mean it.

Borderline thought: What if someone’s died? What if Mum’s been in a car crash or Dad’s had a heart attack? Why isn’t anyone picking up? (I’m probably calling both of my parents and the home phone at this point) Oh my god, I don’t want my dad to die. Why isn’t anyone answering me, what’s happened? What if they were all driving to the city and had a car crash and everyone’s dead? I’ll miss them so much. They won’t get to see me graduate. I’ll never watch tv with dad again. Mum won’t ever make dinner or give me a backstretch again. I don’t have this relationship with anyone else, I can’t do this without them. (I don’t cry much but I’d be feeling very much like crying because by this point some part of me is convinced that my parents are dead. This is also partially me catastophising- imagining the worst possible outcome without evidence.)

Example: Anger

Scene: Someone is walking slowly in front of me.

Baseline thought: I will stab u holy shit, why are you walking so slow? No, be patient, it’s alright. Chillax, life is a journey. I still want to stab him. Yeah, but does walking slowly really deserve death? It’s all good. You aren’t in a rush.

Borderline thought: Fucking fucker I will fucking stab you oh my god, hurry the fuck up. Right in the back, slide the knife in between your vertebrae. (Lots of visualising said stabbing, probably clenching a fist/pretending to hold a knife by my side).

[Thank you for sharing your experiences. - Shrink]

#borderline #depression #eating disorders #personality disorders #submissions #personal experiences #cutting #suicide #suicidal ideation #bulimia #violence #deductionsandmishacollinsinrome #borderline personality disorder #submission

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