#shitty way to start the new year
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I have been without internet for over a week and am so fucking restless right now. It's insane.
#wanna write?#all my wips are on docs and not set to offline mode#wanna draw?#cant access any of my references or share with my friends to give me advice#wanna play a game?#all the ones i want to play are online#and worst of all#wanna work?#CANT BECAUSE MY JOB IS ONLINE#shitty way to start the new year#im so streased
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Here is lady pics from when I was MIA
#alek insanity#using this time to rant about my personal life. my dad had a medical emergency but he should be coming home soon#i spent a while at my aunts house it was fun they have a cat named harold hes so fatness#my stepmom has been staying with my dad up there and magically our heater broke#the hvac guys came (like 10 minutes ago) but they cant really fix it it just needs 2 be replaced atp.#and its been getting below freezing these past few days behhh#but its all good bc im gonna get popeyes soon#doodle (the lady) is sitting on my as i type this#and i decided to start drawing everyday !!! around 2 hours at a time is my goal. i used to draw until id get numbness in my arms#carpal tunnel speedrun? but ive realized its best for my joints if i draw for 1-2 hours. also if i draw everyday im more motivated#ive been trying to pace more too. i used to get 10k + steps a day but kinda. stopped doing that. oopsieeee. just aiming for better habits#fixed my sleep schedule too behhh#my friend has a christmas party on the 21st so im excited 4 that. also christmas in general bc im gonna get a new laptop#mine barely works and is held together with duct tape 😭 and im gonna get a ton of money#my friend is planning a h×h zine so thats exciting + there's a lot of ninjag0 ones around the corner. big things brewing#i think next year will be a good year. this year kinda... started off really shitty#hoping to get my drivers liscense next year. ive been studying for my permit but stuff keeps getting in the way#Also im gonna get new glasses soon after TWO YEARS hfgdhd . idk the future looks bright yall#and i got this fatness woman on me rn so happy times now too#shes trying to sleep on my leg . but ... i have to eat food ... doodleee lady
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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can someone please tell me what yhe fuck my mothers problem is
#wdym she was complaining about there being a black man in doctor who and LAUGHED when someone startrd speaking a different language on tv#also her children (the ones she had with . genuinely one of teh most disgusting men on earth whobshe decided to get with for some fucking#reason??? and is also like 13 years older than her) are actuallyvso stupuf#like wdym a FOUR YEAR OLD can barely soeak and cannot follow simple instructions???#probably becauee she is a shitty parent like empty threats are NOT the only way to get kids to do something#and why does she feel tye need to comment on EVERYTHUHG she sees and ask the most stupid questions#she has no right to wabt to know everything about me when jt was her who made me have to live iwth my fucking grandmother#honestly im not sure what would have been worse#she also has no right to claim the new year like . i dont wantbto strt 2025 with her the start of a new uear belongs t9 ME
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i Need to take up embroidery now rIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#walmart didnt have a starter kit and hobby lobby is closed RRRRUHHUERHRHRRRR#i was always like i love it but its simply somebody elses thing my whole life until like 1 am last night my brain unlocked#the things i could make with practice and patience i need to seeeE CONSARNIT shit would be SOOO COOL#i want to just have fun with it and be jovially shitty at it for a while until i pick up on things#ive forgotten everything ive learned throughout my life when it comes to sewing & that of the like but i feel like itll click after a while#itll definitely be a lil side hobby bc holy FUCK i dont have time to really sit down and invest atm but still#maybe my small new years resolution is get better at embroidery and see my progress bc i lov that shit#plus when im like 60+ yrs old imagine what crazy shit i could do if i start now#ANYWAY ill get to those asks eventually theres some that i simply want to draw for but brother im sniper focused on getting this damn comic#done and DONE so i might have to answer them way later tbh unless its super easy and quick to answer imma have to put off asks cause im#hellbent the comic should be done by early february
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re: your tags in your reblog about how taylor hasn't felt the need to fly back to the states during the euro leg and how travis was the one to go to her during his off season and the surprise pikachu of it all for her. think there are several things that have elicited that reaction from her where she's realized no, it didn't have to be the way it was despite maybe being made to feel the opposite at the time
Yup.
Again this is probably veering close to territory I don't/shouldn't get into on main because ultimately I don't think there's anything to add and it's all stuff we'll never know.
That being said, lol, I think there's been a lot in the last year that Taylor's discovered that has made her wonder about why she felt she needed to do things the way she did, and I don't even just mean in terms of her relationship. We've all kind of seen her blossoming in ways I suspect surprised even her.
But relationship-wise, I wouldn't be surprised if the way things seem to have felt easy and secure from the start with Travis made her wonder why it couldn't have been with other people in the past (ahem) and more than a little angry for a bit about how easy it is for her current partner to be supportive in a way that comes naturally when her previous one(s)... was(were) not. Obviously I can't speak for Taylor, but I certainly would have a moment of Petty Betty-ness for a little bit.
#Pouring out my heart to a stranger but I didn't pour the whiskey#Anonymous#i still wonder if that's part of why there were some low-key clapbacks last fall#between the surprise songs and some media responses and--#you know#lol this feels analogous to when I started my new job after getting laid off from my old one that I'd been at for nearly 10 years#and how I spent years being underpaid and having shitty schedules and ending up with like actual months-worth of vacation time#because i was never able to take it#and it was just the way it was but I stayed for so long because it was like 'family'#and then i started my new job (albeit in a new field in some ways) and I got paid way more and better hours and a super supportive boss#who like nurtured my desire to grow and move up#instead of my old boss who I considered a friend who was like 'lol we're cutting your hours so that you're not full time anymore#but you're a super valued member of the team and we can't do this without you!'#anyway i nearly cried the first time I heard it's time to go and then got laid off weeks later lmao#and I had a crying breakdown after I started my new job because i was like 'things can be this easy????'#'i don't have to struggle paycheque to paycheque and i don't have to work 7 days a week on the whims of others' schedules???'#'and I can actually have a life and not feel guilted for not being a team player???' anyway lol
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#HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!#i cant believe i made it through#2024 was hell#almost died a lil bit#but i survived#and im so happy that i did and so proud of myself for making it this far#things have finally taken a turn for the better for me#im growing and changing in a lot of ways#i finally realized that i cant keep waiting for the good part to start#i have to make now the good part#anyway#heres to the 2025 being a little less personally shitty#hopefully Things In General dont get too bad but we'll see#but either way#we'll be alright#i love you all#thanks for being the little guys in my phone#you got this. i believe in you. you are strong enough to face any challenge you find in front of you.#btw i posted this at 11:59pm of 12/31/24#so that the “this year” would be grammatically correct#im entering my “embracing being obnoxious phase” so get ready#im already considering making a fursona#and you know if i do ill be posting about them#plus i want to create more in general#like write and draw and such#so that might be going up here as well#and i foresee a lot more rambling in the tags#anyways happy new year
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When I get over my yucky feelings for the pair Drew and Willow are so funny because it's like, predicated on the notion that Drew was the big hero in her cancer storyline when I barely remember the role he played in it. Wasn't he off on some wild goose chase or something? Liesel is and always has been the hero of that story to me since she ended up being her donor.
#general hospital#And like obviously she can't have a romance story with a relative#(Casha say nothing 😗👌)#but it could have been about her finally having a chance to connect with her blood family or smth#Willow has always had a tumultuous relationship with family and with her adoptive mother gone it could have been a chance at a new start#normally biology vs found family stories in soaps make me roll my eyes bc they'll always prioritize blood no matter how shitty they are#This is one instance where it could have been organic and made sense but because they don't want Nina to be TOO likable#Or else become a bigger maternal figure for her than Carly#They keep having Willow and Nina go back and forth between getting along and being at each other's throats#Or more accurately Willow being sanctimonious and Nina looking like a kicked puppy about it. At least post reveal#Anyway did y'all peep the possible tease at a Chillow reunion? I guess if people are right about Brooklyn and Dante that's gonna be a thing#lol. lmao even#You guys burned all the good will people had for Chillow and Misha YEARS ago. Why are we revisiting that now.#Why did you make Sasha pregnant when Michael's on his way out and no plan to recast the character?#Why do you keep fucking her over in particular#I'm getting off topic this was supposed to be about Drew and Willow lol
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Ugh I was excited for today until I found out I'd have to spend it with people that actively make me hate being alive hate the future and drain me off all energy physically mentally spiritually like a vampire I can't stand to be around her she is the definition of stupidity and even then that's generous as fuck this bitch has filled her brain with so much garbage I watch her brain cells die at alarming rates every single time she uses her vocal cords her giggles make me want to jam a sewing needle into my ear repeatedly so I can never have to hear it again its a friendly reminder that my parents decisions this time my dad's constantly makes me want to die
#i cant even shes just so dangerously stupid#she thinks energy drinks with natural caffeine are safe to give people who have been told by doctor doing take caffeine with thia meds#ahe thinks of a child is CHOCKING to lie them face down n rub their back#she has the evangelical woman voice worse then women I've met n that cult ahe giggles constantly and behaves like the stereotype lil german#boy just got a lollipop over.... everyone and everything whe acts likw an 11 year old I just got the first boyfriend and all they could talk#is how perfect their boyfriend is and they're so pretty good for that I pulled a boyfriend is and it's like a God thing that they met how#SOOOOOOOOOO in love while constantly nonstop touching ahe has to be touching him her hand on his thigh her atm linked with his her heaf on#his chest she has to be in her lap they make out all over the place IT'S DISGUSTING AND EMBARRASSING STOP SWAPPING SPIT#she started a i. hwr words 'love diary of their love journey' they hadn't been dateing 2 months her kids are spoiled fake Instagram bitches#with such shitty views on politics SHE'S A TRUMP FAN GIRL SHENLOVES TRUMP MY DAD BROUGHT IN A TRUMPIE#there's so much i cant even say because even admitting it on tumblr is too embarrassing i wanted.to.likw her i liked her the first day but#THE MORE I GET TO KNOW GET THE MORE N MORE N MISS RED FKAGS#she threw away all my siblings clothes school books toys uniforms for sports their in toys i bought them that week make up jewelry#in the disguise of helping clean house#while i was at the hospital the kids call me in tears i call her beg her to wait and nope.ahe didn't i found the bags by the curb i brought#my dad sided with hwr because 'she didn't mean any harm she didn't know sje was throwing them away'#my mom hasn't bsen dead a year he started dating right after ahe died#hes talking about marrying this woman this woman who has never had an honest educated thought once in her life#WHO ASLO SPEMDA MONEY LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR AHE CAME FROM A WITCH FAMILY HER LAST TWO HUSBANDA WERE TOUCH SHE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE COMMON#SHE SPENDS LIKE SHE STILL HAS MONEY WHEN SHE DOSE NOT AND IT'S LIKE YOU DID NOT JUST SPEND OVER 180 DOLLARS N PASTRIES GOD#SHES SO FUCKIN STUPID AND EVERY HOLIDAY SINCE MY MOM DIED WVERY FAMILY GWT TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK OR.DO ANYTHING WITH MOM'S SIDE#OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE SHE'S THERE EVERY WINGLE MOTHER FUCKIN WEEKEND SHES HERE I'M EXHAUSTED SHES PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINING TO BE ARO#OUND SHES LIKE IF SOMEONE TOOK A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A DIET OF JUST FUCKIN COCAINE LITTLE GERMAN BOY WITH LOLLY AND CRUELLA DEVILLE AND FUSE#THEN TOOK A STRAW AND DRANK ALL THE SMARTS OUT OF THAT BEING#UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGH MY DADS GOIN TO NARRY RHIA BITCH SHES GOIN TO TRY TO BE A MOTHER TO ME AND MY SIBLINGS AND THEY'RE GOIN TO#be so fucked up because her kids are not ok SHE FUCKED THEM OVER BAD SHE HAS FOUR KIDS ALL ADULTS THEY'RE JUST WOW#I HATE MY LIFE I HATE WHAY FUTURE MY FAMILY IS GOIN TO BE THE GOOD THINGS IS I WON'T HAVE TO STAY I CAN GO N MAKE A NEW ONE WITH MY WIFE#FOR ME BUT MY SIBLINGS ARE FUCKED AND ANYTIME I WANT TO VISIT MY FAMILY YANDERE GOLDEN RETRIEVER BITCH WILL BE THERE WORMING HWR WAY IN#SHES CONSTANTLY CALLING N TEXTING MY DAD NONSTOP OF SHE'S NOT NEXT TO HIM AND IF HE CAN'T RESPOND INSTANT SHE FREAKS OUT N BUGS ME
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midnight....its new years eve
#2024 was. all things considered one of the best years ive had in a very long time#i had lows. heartbreaks and shitty job stuff and the awful awful feeling of What Am I Going To Do With My Adult Life. I Have No Purpose#but i also had some fantastic highs that made everything i went through this year worth it#i fulfilled my promise to myself to start being a more disciplined artist. i've improved so much and i've created some amazing things#i finally got fully medicated!!! and its improved my life so much!!!!#i got a new job that treats me so much better im making plans for my future im giving things a second chance and its opened me up to so much#joy in life that i never thought i'd see#i hope 2025 is just as kind to me#i have a long way to go but i'm learning to live the life i deserve#skip speaks
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my mom [not here but just, in general, very very frequently]: I didn't do christmas cards on time/ at all, I am SUCH a piece of SHIT, LMAO
her sister: you know I've often wondered if we're not all neurodivergent, which would explain everything 🤔 either way it's completely understandable and absolutely okay that you're doing the best with what you've got💕
#it's so funny how much of my shame is inherited from my mom loudly decrying herself constantly and without provocation lmao#my mom: haha look at us rocking back and forth like we're CRAZY lmaooo something's WRONG with us LOL#me who hadn't even noticed until that very moment that other people don't sway back and forth while standing still: wh. okay???#thanks for leaving me out of THAT insecurity until I was an adult and old enough to think you're being weird instead of absorbing it#my mom often does an... understandable thing that I also feel the reflex to do sometimes#which is acknowledge my shortcomings so people understand that I Know I'm being [shitty/ disappointing/ frustrating/ etc]#but man she does it SO much and leans on it SO hard with no concept of collateral damage#my mom: I forgot to do that thing because I'm a STUPID DIPSHIT ASSHOLE MORON. GOD. lol.#me who also forgets things and is unintentionally inconvenient and frustrating sometimes: ........ yeah#most of my 'you SHOULD Just Be Able To Do Thing and should be ashamed of yourself if you can't because it's EASY'#comes not from neurotypical people who don't get it but from my mom who feels the same way about herself :Ia#anyway I feel like there was another time on facebook that more clearly illustrated#this really specific dynamic of my mom going 'haha I also do that! because I'm stupid and terrible!'#and then my aunt commenting directly after her like 'I also do that! I think the whole family's Just Wired Differently and it's okay'#uh in unrelated news I don't even know if I'm gonna manage a card this year. I haven't started one :')#just being alive has been too overwhelming this season and it's really frustrating but whateverrrr#about me#posts from facebook
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i think one appeal of gachas is that the fandom is more likely to stay highly active for years and years
#thats one of the things that get me stuck tbh#fandoms for vn games that have a definite ending eventually die down and a lot of ppl move on to the next thing#when ur gacha game is just endlessly pumping out content....#its like....yea im gonna stay here!#my fav character is saying new shit ever month!#this thing i like is giving me endless shit#and i can talk to ppl about it nonstop#unfortunately after a certain point most gachas become completely shitty story wise and money wise#cause...i mean theyre trying to make more money each year#and the best way to do that is lower quality and increase price#luckily i dont like the stupidly popular gachas so theres hope for me to at least start cutting most of the ones i play out#ill never be able to stop with tw/st tho#i havent spent a dime on it and the story is good#i have no reason to stop playing#also dress up games#like im trying to find a replacement for TP#so improbably just gonna end up going to that new nikki game#which im sure is gonna have gacha elements#the dress up game genre feels so niche yall#u have like very few options that are really fleshed out that arent just mobile games
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#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over#stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that#the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no#way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try#to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying#things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she#just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was#spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she#didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively#asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a#bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i#didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end.#but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to#embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my#brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going#to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave#she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this#i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad#delete later
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the apartment we looked at today was really bad - like, one room was missing half the flooring and they (the landlord) just put carpet over it. luckily it was only the current tenant there, though - she told us about the landlord and that she's... not great. so even if the apartment had been decent we wouldn't have been interested after that.
#it also helped us further narrow down which places/villages we'll consider from now on#it's basically just down to three places now.#and they're the same ones we would have preferred the last two times we moved.#but damn I'm just really not willing to go through all this work again just to end up in *another* shitty village that I know I won't#really like.#I'd rather stay with my mother for a couple months if it means we find a good place.#(it'd have to be my mother and not my in-laws because we're pretty sure they wouldn't want our cats in their house. so)#like it'd SUCK but I can. not. keep moving somewhere new every fucking year#especially since it takes me a year to start feeling sort of at home#we've been thinking we *might* be able to start thinking about maybe possibly mayyybe buying a house at some point. if I find a job and if#it's one that pays enough and so on.#and we would really rather not move again until we can do that.#(if we can. it's only a very vague idea at this point. but we've realised it's the *only* way we'd actually feel fully comfortable somewher#we're bad at living in a house with other people 🙃)#(and there are *no* houses for rent that aren't absolutely huge and/or way too expensive)#personal
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JUSTICE PREVAILS THE GREEDY OLD MAN RUINING MY SCHOOL HAD 800-100 VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE AGAINST HIM!! HIS REPUTATION IS SHATTERED GET HIM OUTTA HEREEEE
#this is the best news since i came to college#and the first day i was on campus#BEFORE CLASSES EVEN STARTED#they announced with his plan a TON of vital and prestigious programs in the school were being discontinued#like thats a REALLY shitty way to start the school year#so hearing that the fauclty agree with the students and want him OUT is so relieving#i really hope this keeps moving forward and justice is served and wrongs are righted!!#becca rambles#academic adventures
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if anyone needs me i will be rewatching trigun 98 and tristamp over and over until my brain explodes
#had a bad time in therapy today sigh#first time i cried in front of the new therapist wooooooooo#and we havent even started talking about the painful stuff yet. how tf am i gonna handle that#(spoiler: im not <3 we dont have to talk abt it if i never bring it up)#also being. slammed with nostalgia (/neg) and i cannot get rid of it and it fucking sucks#got a. bad taste in my mouth. from like. everything rn#anyway. if anyone needs me i will be bolting myself into a shitty tin can and sending myself to the bottom of the sea.#not to see the titanic bc im not dumb and full of hubris. but just like. in general#im down there now. i want to fucking explode#sorry bad joke <3 i wanna kms so bad. i wanna wake up tomorrow and be in a universe that is Not This One#aaughrggghrghr. im angry and j dont know what im angry at . i wanna. fling myself into space#so instead i will watch trigun and if i start posting about max in the next day or so well can you blame me.#i hope someone draws him for artfight. specifically. hes rlly cool#i have his page uploaded already but im sooooo bad at making descriptions#oh fuck i also learned how to fucking tag things on artfight now omg. i didnt know that was a thing.#how did i do three years of this shit and not TAG anything. what the fuck#anyway. wish i was a guy covered in blood rn. maybe i should watch hannibal instead#is it time to bring out ol reliable and watch the stab scene from mizumono on a loop again#and perhaps i will listen to sodikken misery meat and people eater. idk. spice it up a little#girls when they say they want to be held: screenshot of the way hannibal holds wills face before gutting him like a fish#im feeling rlly normal rn if you cant tell
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