#shitty way to start the new year
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I have been without internet for over a week and am so fucking restless right now. It's insane.
#wanna write?#all my wips are on docs and not set to offline mode#wanna draw?#cant access any of my references or share with my friends to give me advice#wanna play a game?#all the ones i want to play are online#and worst of all#wanna work?#CANT BECAUSE MY JOB IS ONLINE#shitty way to start the new year#im so streased
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It's actually so heartbreaking that in the temperance ending Johnny just.. leaves. Gets all these calls, maybe even texts, from people who don't know the extent of what happened. Who are accusing him, that are mad at him. Especially in the frame of reference that this was V's last wish. That it was V who gave the body up. That it was V who wanted this, wanted to save Johnny, Johnny essentially powerless to stop them ('just scared for ya').
And the thing is.. Johnny just lets everyone. Lets them make their own conclusions, lets them be mad at him. Lets them blame him. Lets them think, that after the love of his life the person who's ever wholly understood or cared about him the most like no other ever could had 'died', that it's his fault, that he could do that to them... Or just lets them think the worst of V as their final lasting impression or mark on this world. Doesn't try to defend himself nor V. He just leaves. Just takes it.
And you would think. You would think the one he would at least tell is Kerry. That the one to actually understand the most would be Kerry. I don't think any of the other love interests could get the whole engram situation like him, they don't have that personal history or connection to the code on the relic like he did after all. Kerry knew Johnny. Enough at least. But Johnny doesn't tell him, and Kerry just thinks V ghosted off on him and Johnny just lets him think that. And it just makes you wonder.. why would Johnny do that? Why would he do any of this?
#is this his way of grieving too? what is he getting out of this? does he want anything out if it? is this what he wants? was this?#wish i could say something more profound about it#but i literally woke in a cold sweat thinking about it 💀 and just needed to get this out#this is also obvi under the scenario of high affinity + v giving the body up willing for johnny + silverv (bc i said so)#(UGH and the way that it can always be argued that V giving up the body willing is just the engram doing its job#rewriting enough of their consciousness. far enough in the convergence. to influence them that this is what they wanted.#and YOU KNOW johnnys torturing himself over that the next few months in that shitty apartment holed up#and grieving in a life and world that has changed so much in the years he was gone with no remnant nothing of his previous life#no support system no friends no V#just him and the ghost he carries the face of and the impression theyre not really gone that they're still there)#((the horror of your life revolving around the tragedy of a loss of autonomy so great it creates an obsessiveness that gets you killed#just for someone to 'willingly' give up their autonomy to save your life.#your life (the fresh start of a new one at that) yet again hallmarked by a loss of autonomy so great it is unquantifiable#things coming full circle. the tail end eaten by the other.#the kind of grief that spurs from a debt so unpayable. so big.#the grief and horror and tragedy of being saved by the thing that killed you the first time around.))#(((ANGUISH)))#it makes me SICK thinking about these two in literally any capacity#they could be in the most dullest archetypal domestic ass conventional relationships n ill still find reasons to make myself sick over them#silverv#cyberpunk 2077#johnny silverhand#v cyberpunk#masc v#fem v#female v#male v#nonbinary v#kerry eurodyne#ult speaking
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Here is lady pics from when I was MIA
#alek insanity#using this time to rant about my personal life. my dad had a medical emergency but he should be coming home soon#i spent a while at my aunts house it was fun they have a cat named harold hes so fatness#my stepmom has been staying with my dad up there and magically our heater broke#the hvac guys came (like 10 minutes ago) but they cant really fix it it just needs 2 be replaced atp.#and its been getting below freezing these past few days behhh#but its all good bc im gonna get popeyes soon#doodle (the lady) is sitting on my as i type this#and i decided to start drawing everyday !!! around 2 hours at a time is my goal. i used to draw until id get numbness in my arms#carpal tunnel speedrun? but ive realized its best for my joints if i draw for 1-2 hours. also if i draw everyday im more motivated#ive been trying to pace more too. i used to get 10k + steps a day but kinda. stopped doing that. oopsieeee. just aiming for better habits#fixed my sleep schedule too behhh#my friend has a christmas party on the 21st so im excited 4 that. also christmas in general bc im gonna get a new laptop#mine barely works and is held together with duct tape 😭 and im gonna get a ton of money#my friend is planning a h×h zine so thats exciting + there's a lot of ninjag0 ones around the corner. big things brewing#i think next year will be a good year. this year kinda... started off really shitty#hoping to get my drivers liscense next year. ive been studying for my permit but stuff keeps getting in the way#Also im gonna get new glasses soon after TWO YEARS hfgdhd . idk the future looks bright yall#and i got this fatness woman on me rn so happy times now too#shes trying to sleep on my leg . but ... i have to eat food ... doodleee lady
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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can someone please tell me what yhe fuck my mothers problem is
#wdym she was complaining about there being a black man in doctor who and LAUGHED when someone startrd speaking a different language on tv#also her children (the ones she had with . genuinely one of teh most disgusting men on earth whobshe decided to get with for some fucking#reason??? and is also like 13 years older than her) are actuallyvso stupuf#like wdym a FOUR YEAR OLD can barely soeak and cannot follow simple instructions???#probably becauee she is a shitty parent like empty threats are NOT the only way to get kids to do something#and why does she feel tye need to comment on EVERYTHUHG she sees and ask the most stupid questions#she has no right to wabt to know everything about me when jt was her who made me have to live iwth my fucking grandmother#honestly im not sure what would have been worse#she also has no right to claim the new year like . i dont wantbto strt 2025 with her the start of a new uear belongs t9 ME
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i Need to take up embroidery now rIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#walmart didnt have a starter kit and hobby lobby is closed RRRRUHHUERHRHRRRR#i was always like i love it but its simply somebody elses thing my whole life until like 1 am last night my brain unlocked#the things i could make with practice and patience i need to seeeE CONSARNIT shit would be SOOO COOL#i want to just have fun with it and be jovially shitty at it for a while until i pick up on things#ive forgotten everything ive learned throughout my life when it comes to sewing & that of the like but i feel like itll click after a while#itll definitely be a lil side hobby bc holy FUCK i dont have time to really sit down and invest atm but still#maybe my small new years resolution is get better at embroidery and see my progress bc i lov that shit#plus when im like 60+ yrs old imagine what crazy shit i could do if i start now#ANYWAY ill get to those asks eventually theres some that i simply want to draw for but brother im sniper focused on getting this damn comic#done and DONE so i might have to answer them way later tbh unless its super easy and quick to answer imma have to put off asks cause im#hellbent the comic should be done by early february
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went through that switch 2 posts tags (which was a bad idea) because i really hate people’s holier than thou attitude when they say “i don’t get why people still care about video game consoles when they could just get a gaming pc or laptop” as if the lowest price (which is NOT recommended) isn’t $500 which is on par with the switch 2. even if you were to pirate all the games on your pc you’d still have to buy some more things (keyboard, mouse, headphones, monitor, etc depending on what you’re getting into) to go with your pc. plus you have to have space in your place for a desk and chair which can also cost a lot of money if you don’t search around for ones second hand.
#like i agree i guess it’s maybe less expensive in the long run but i also have watched a lot of streamers who buy brand new expensive pcs#and have them start having issues within a year or two after purchase#like let’s just all agree that gaming is becoming way too expensive of a hobby#i miss you arcades 😔#autumn rambles#me and my shitty chromebook that i regret buying and can’t run any games vs the world
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#HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!#i cant believe i made it through#2024 was hell#almost died a lil bit#but i survived#and im so happy that i did and so proud of myself for making it this far#things have finally taken a turn for the better for me#im growing and changing in a lot of ways#i finally realized that i cant keep waiting for the good part to start#i have to make now the good part#anyway#heres to the 2025 being a little less personally shitty#hopefully Things In General dont get too bad but we'll see#but either way#we'll be alright#i love you all#thanks for being the little guys in my phone#you got this. i believe in you. you are strong enough to face any challenge you find in front of you.#btw i posted this at 11:59pm of 12/31/24#so that the “this year” would be grammatically correct#im entering my “embracing being obnoxious phase” so get ready#im already considering making a fursona#and you know if i do ill be posting about them#plus i want to create more in general#like write and draw and such#so that might be going up here as well#and i foresee a lot more rambling in the tags#anyways happy new year
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When I get over my yucky feelings for the pair Drew and Willow are so funny because it's like, predicated on the notion that Drew was the big hero in her cancer storyline when I barely remember the role he played in it. Wasn't he off on some wild goose chase or something? Liesel is and always has been the hero of that story to me since she ended up being her donor.
#general hospital#And like obviously she can't have a romance story with a relative#(Casha say nothing 😗👌)#but it could have been about her finally having a chance to connect with her blood family or smth#Willow has always had a tumultuous relationship with family and with her adoptive mother gone it could have been a chance at a new start#normally biology vs found family stories in soaps make me roll my eyes bc they'll always prioritize blood no matter how shitty they are#This is one instance where it could have been organic and made sense but because they don't want Nina to be TOO likable#Or else become a bigger maternal figure for her than Carly#They keep having Willow and Nina go back and forth between getting along and being at each other's throats#Or more accurately Willow being sanctimonious and Nina looking like a kicked puppy about it. At least post reveal#Anyway did y'all peep the possible tease at a Chillow reunion? I guess if people are right about Brooklyn and Dante that's gonna be a thing#lol. lmao even#You guys burned all the good will people had for Chillow and Misha YEARS ago. Why are we revisiting that now.#Why did you make Sasha pregnant when Michael's on his way out and no plan to recast the character?#Why do you keep fucking her over in particular#I'm getting off topic this was supposed to be about Drew and Willow lol
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Ugh I was excited for today until I found out I'd have to spend it with people that actively make me hate being alive hate the future and drain me off all energy physically mentally spiritually like a vampire I can't stand to be around her she is the definition of stupidity and even then that's generous as fuck this bitch has filled her brain with so much garbage I watch her brain cells die at alarming rates every single time she uses her vocal cords her giggles make me want to jam a sewing needle into my ear repeatedly so I can never have to hear it again its a friendly reminder that my parents decisions this time my dad's constantly makes me want to die
#i cant even shes just so dangerously stupid#she thinks energy drinks with natural caffeine are safe to give people who have been told by doctor doing take caffeine with thia meds#ahe thinks of a child is CHOCKING to lie them face down n rub their back#she has the evangelical woman voice worse then women I've met n that cult ahe giggles constantly and behaves like the stereotype lil german#boy just got a lollipop over.... everyone and everything whe acts likw an 11 year old I just got the first boyfriend and all they could talk#is how perfect their boyfriend is and they're so pretty good for that I pulled a boyfriend is and it's like a God thing that they met how#SOOOOOOOOOO in love while constantly nonstop touching ahe has to be touching him her hand on his thigh her atm linked with his her heaf on#his chest she has to be in her lap they make out all over the place IT'S DISGUSTING AND EMBARRASSING STOP SWAPPING SPIT#she started a i. hwr words 'love diary of their love journey' they hadn't been dateing 2 months her kids are spoiled fake Instagram bitches#with such shitty views on politics SHE'S A TRUMP FAN GIRL SHENLOVES TRUMP MY DAD BROUGHT IN A TRUMPIE#there's so much i cant even say because even admitting it on tumblr is too embarrassing i wanted.to.likw her i liked her the first day but#THE MORE I GET TO KNOW GET THE MORE N MORE N MISS RED FKAGS#she threw away all my siblings clothes school books toys uniforms for sports their in toys i bought them that week make up jewelry#in the disguise of helping clean house#while i was at the hospital the kids call me in tears i call her beg her to wait and nope.ahe didn't i found the bags by the curb i brought#my dad sided with hwr because 'she didn't mean any harm she didn't know sje was throwing them away'#my mom hasn't bsen dead a year he started dating right after ahe died#hes talking about marrying this woman this woman who has never had an honest educated thought once in her life#WHO ASLO SPEMDA MONEY LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR AHE CAME FROM A WITCH FAMILY HER LAST TWO HUSBANDA WERE TOUCH SHE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE COMMON#SHE SPENDS LIKE SHE STILL HAS MONEY WHEN SHE DOSE NOT AND IT'S LIKE YOU DID NOT JUST SPEND OVER 180 DOLLARS N PASTRIES GOD#SHES SO FUCKIN STUPID AND EVERY HOLIDAY SINCE MY MOM DIED WVERY FAMILY GWT TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK OR.DO ANYTHING WITH MOM'S SIDE#OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE SHE'S THERE EVERY WINGLE MOTHER FUCKIN WEEKEND SHES HERE I'M EXHAUSTED SHES PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINING TO BE ARO#OUND SHES LIKE IF SOMEONE TOOK A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A DIET OF JUST FUCKIN COCAINE LITTLE GERMAN BOY WITH LOLLY AND CRUELLA DEVILLE AND FUSE#THEN TOOK A STRAW AND DRANK ALL THE SMARTS OUT OF THAT BEING#UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGH MY DADS GOIN TO NARRY RHIA BITCH SHES GOIN TO TRY TO BE A MOTHER TO ME AND MY SIBLINGS AND THEY'RE GOIN TO#be so fucked up because her kids are not ok SHE FUCKED THEM OVER BAD SHE HAS FOUR KIDS ALL ADULTS THEY'RE JUST WOW#I HATE MY LIFE I HATE WHAY FUTURE MY FAMILY IS GOIN TO BE THE GOOD THINGS IS I WON'T HAVE TO STAY I CAN GO N MAKE A NEW ONE WITH MY WIFE#FOR ME BUT MY SIBLINGS ARE FUCKED AND ANYTIME I WANT TO VISIT MY FAMILY YANDERE GOLDEN RETRIEVER BITCH WILL BE THERE WORMING HWR WAY IN#SHES CONSTANTLY CALLING N TEXTING MY DAD NONSTOP OF SHE'S NOT NEXT TO HIM AND IF HE CAN'T RESPOND INSTANT SHE FREAKS OUT N BUGS ME
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the apartment we looked at today was really bad - like, one room was missing half the flooring and they (the landlord) just put carpet over it. luckily it was only the current tenant there, though - she told us about the landlord and that she's... not great. so even if the apartment had been decent we wouldn't have been interested after that.
#it also helped us further narrow down which places/villages we'll consider from now on#it's basically just down to three places now.#and they're the same ones we would have preferred the last two times we moved.#but damn I'm just really not willing to go through all this work again just to end up in *another* shitty village that I know I won't#really like.#I'd rather stay with my mother for a couple months if it means we find a good place.#(it'd have to be my mother and not my in-laws because we're pretty sure they wouldn't want our cats in their house. so)#like it'd SUCK but I can. not. keep moving somewhere new every fucking year#especially since it takes me a year to start feeling sort of at home#we've been thinking we *might* be able to start thinking about maybe possibly mayyybe buying a house at some point. if I find a job and if#it's one that pays enough and so on.#and we would really rather not move again until we can do that.#(if we can. it's only a very vague idea at this point. but we've realised it's the *only* way we'd actually feel fully comfortable somewher#we're bad at living in a house with other people 🙃)#(and there are *no* houses for rent that aren't absolutely huge and/or way too expensive)#personal
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I love just sitting and working in small, local coffee shops for hours at a time. Even though it’s hard for me to sit still, it’s really fun to get to see all the people who come in and to get a better sense of the community as a whole. I love half listening to conversations, seeing how people interact with each other and with the baristas, and who even is drawn to the location in the first place. I don’t usually feel like paying $2 - $6 for a coffee or tea is really worth it except on special occasions, but the value of getting to be around people in a pleasant, safe, open environment like that really adds so, so much value to the experience. I like to feel connected to the people around me, so it makes me happy!
#I had to get a new key for my car and my headlight replaced so I walked to a random coffe and boba shop in a shitty looking strip mall#that was about 10 mins away from the car dealership. I was there for 2 hours and two small groups of people came in during that time#first over the first 15-20 mins I was there three or four men in their 30s -50s came in and were talking with the barista#I discovered that the barista (also a 30-50 year old man) and all of the men were part of the local Slavic community#cause they were speaking what I think was russian (I only know how to say yes and no in russian and I heard those words lol)#they talked for about 30ish mins before each man left individually. the shop was empty for about 15 mins before an elderly couple came in#their friend Jim joined them - they seemed to be regulars possibly - and they talked for about 20 mins and were still talking when I left#when I took a phone call it directed to my hearing aides and they thought I was taking to them so after I was done I apologized#they were very nice snd chatted with my briefly about my aides and people thinking I must be talking to myself with them (which DOES happen#but also I do talk to myself out loud all the time lol) and when I left the coffee shop I said bye to the barista and the elderly group#they all said bye back. it was such a pleasant experience#it was also SO different than I expected cause the coffee shop not only does coffee but also does bubble tea and matcha???#so I assumed it would be an Asian owned business not a Russian/Slavic one lol#overall a great experience. 10/10. a wonderful way to start the morning#googoogajoob
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JUSTICE PREVAILS THE GREEDY OLD MAN RUINING MY SCHOOL HAD 800-100 VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE AGAINST HIM!! HIS REPUTATION IS SHATTERED GET HIM OUTTA HEREEEE
#this is the best news since i came to college#and the first day i was on campus#BEFORE CLASSES EVEN STARTED#they announced with his plan a TON of vital and prestigious programs in the school were being discontinued#like thats a REALLY shitty way to start the school year#so hearing that the fauclty agree with the students and want him OUT is so relieving#i really hope this keeps moving forward and justice is served and wrongs are righted!!#becca rambles#academic adventures
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did nothing yesterday so i do need to do some actual cleaning today and also plan out the rest of my life
#i sort of have like no life goals or plans for the future except like get surgery which is like okay but what do i do after that?#like that can't be the end goal of my life lol#paying off my student loans is also a shitty goal lol so i need to think of some like actual positive things to look forward to#i guess i sort of always hoped i would have someone else to like plan a future with and have been waiting around for that#but its like way past time to let that go and start planning for a just me future...#do i really want to stay around here for the rest of my life... hmm i don't know.. for the next four years i probably will have to tho#i am not brave or strong enough to move somewhere new... it's too stressful on top of everything else#and going back to school is not an option but my brain keeps being like *beach boys wouldn't it be nice* every time i think abt it#yes it would be nice lol in like a dream world where i am normal and don't have a ridiculous amount of debt and low self esteem lol#anyways... need to figure out what i want my life to be that is more than just surviving
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nawt the one tooth I had gotten fixed one year ago suddenly loosing some of the material that went over the cavity hole or whatever
#i mean just in time for the yearly dentist visit#side note i was not made to have one definitive dentist going back tot he clinic that rotates dentists lmao#love the surprise of getting there every year like hey can i get an appointment with doctor y🙂↕️👆#and theyre like doctor y no longer works here#young new dentist that do things by the book but are most likely under shitty contracts im sorry but yeah#but all the other dentists ive gone to by someones recommendation suck#also in general everything is starting to suck and just get done in shitty ways like im sure the products dentists use have lowered in#quality live everything else#and ill tell a dentist if we can do something for my health and theyre like well i cant do that but i can do x thing to make your smile#prettier.... girl who cares about a pretty smile if its not going to make me better😭#anyway and then she told me to see her expert worker and he was like your mouths ugly and i was like thanks i was born with it and no health#profissional ever told me about the treatments i needed and that now are way harder to get🫶
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the strugglerrrrrrrrr
#for context i need to finish editing c8 of my heart so i can get it posted#and it’s always such a struggle to get started#bc once i actually get get into the groove i’ll finish it up and it’ll be fine#also the way there’s only have two chapters left after this 👀#i feel like i’ve been working on this fic for forever#but maybe that’s because i’ve used it as escapism to deal with my personal shit#bc i tend to do that#it’ll be weird when it’s over#it always is with any project#i say as i’ve still got three chapters including 8 which is half finished#but ya know me always thinking about the end before it’s even upon me#bc i’m kooky like that ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#but it’ll be onto the next shitty lil fic (affectionate) <3#whatever that may be#i have some ideas#i have like a choice of like three wips to pick from#maybe i’ll do two at once who knows#but like as if i don’t struggle with just one at a time#so why not give myself more work and get in my own head about it#but eh we’ll see i guess#i’m not planning on doing anything like immediately after i finish my heart anyways#was planning on trying to get my heart! finished by new year’s#might still happen but we’ll see#at least early in the year if not#i still have a while i suppose so i’ll figure something out#but yeah i’ll try to maybe do some work tonight#and it’ll be posted as soon as i can#gwen rambles#gwenposting#gwen’s fics
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