#paying off my student loans is also a shitty goal lol so i need to think of some like actual positive things to look forward to

[swankpalanquin]

did nothing yesterday so i do need to do some actual cleaning today and also plan out the rest of my life

[jendoesjapan]

My Mental Illness Story (LONG)

WARNING: POSSIBLE DEPRESSION & SUICIDE TRIGGERS, FOUL LANGUAGE. Last night I received news that a female JET in my community committed suicide. Though we had never met in person, we chatted through Facebook several times and of course I recognized her at various JET events. I remember that I saw her standing alone at an ALT conference last month and thought that it would be the perfect time to introduce myself. However, I did not because I was too shy. Now, I am filled with regret at my decision. I will write about my depression story tonight in her honor and just in case it helps even one person.

I have struggled with depression since I was 17 years old (I am 32 now) and have been on and off medication over the years. Growing up, I blamed my parents for a lot of things, mostly for their lack of attention towards me. I would say that my anger towards my parents was the biggest reason for my depression for many years. It was not until I got older that I realized that parents are not perfect - they are human beings. They did the best they could raising me and my brothers. They both had to work full time to support the family and I never gave them credit for that. Also, I did not acknowledge my own faults either. I was a bratty, entitled teenage girl with wild mood swings. I was no picnic. It’s a miracle they never threw me out. 

Once I started to forgive my parents, my life got better. However, there was a dark cloud that had been (and still is) hanging over my head since I was 19 years old. The cloud has a name: Student Loan Debt. I have been drowning in over $50,000 of student loan debt for more than 10 years. This debt controlled almost every aspect of my life: my job, where I lived, the car I drove, what I was able to buy and do on a daily basis, etc. 

So let’s fast forward to when I was 28 years old. There I was, stuck living at home with my parents because I couldn’t afford not to, working 40 hours a week at a job that was not a good fit for me, taking night classes and online classes at a community college trying to better myself, living paycheck to paycheck every month, barely able to pay my loans, not sure what the future held for me. I felt like a complete, worthless failure. Then something started happening. I started waking up every day completely dominated by one emotion: anger. 

I was angry at everything. Angry at what I felt was a shitty lot in life, angry at myself for allowing things to get this bad, angry at the crooks who run private student loan agencies, angry at slow drivers, angry at people who got in my way at the grocery store, angry at my customers for blaming me for their broken cars, angry that I left the house 10 minutes early to get Starbucks and sat in the drive-thru for 20 minutes, angry at literally fucking everything. And the worst part was, I couldn’t turn off the anger, no matter how hard I tried. 

I started to hate myself. I’ve never been the most self-confident person in the world, mostly because I’m too aware. I’m aware of all my faults and every little stupid thing that I do or say. But this was different - I was starting to think that there was something truly, irrevocably wrong with me. I was a defected human being and maybe the world would be better off if I wasn’t around.

I became interested in suicide. I started watching documentaries on it and reading articles. I watched a documentary about people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, just a two hour drive from where I lived. I started thinking about suicide a lot. Could I do it? If I was going to do it, what method would I choose? What would happen after I did it? Would my family and the friends I barely talked to mourn for me for a few weeks and then forget about me?

I can tell you now that there is no way I would have done it. This is because I do not know what happens after we die and the fear of the unknown is more than enough motivation for me to not take my own life. Many religions have beliefs on where we go after we die, but I have been skeptical of religions for a long time. Many people are blessed with a little something called faith and I simply do not have it. If I can’t see something with my own eyes, I have a very hard time believing it. 

Once I realized that I was spending way too much time thinking about the concept of suicide, I called the doctor’s office to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. The woman on the phone told me in a bored voice that the doctor was booked two months out. 

“Umm, I’m having...thoughts,” I told her. My voice broke on the last word. She instantly changed her tune and booked me an appointment for the next day. I met with a doctor and got back on antidepressants. However, the medication made me even MORE agitated at first. I took charge and went back to the doctor again. I fought him tooth and nail to change my prescription. 

“I hate people, I’m angry ALL the time. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!” I shrieked at him. 

This motherfucker actually told me that I was perfectly normal and just had a “writer’s disposition.” Umm? Ok? But I have a job and bills dude, I can’t just pack up a typewriter and move to a fucking island somewhere to write my memoirs (funny story, I’m actually in the middle of writing TWO novels now, lol). But after he made his little comment, he begrudgingly agreed to treat me as a “mood disorder” patient rather than a “depression” patient. The medicine he put me on was completely different, and guess what? It worked like a fucking charm. 

Once I found the right combination of medicine, I started to feel like myself again. I was no longer angry, shit - I didn’t have a damn care in the world. I stayed on that medication throughout my time in junior college and continued taking it when I went on to university. I lost weight (until I went off the medication while living in Japan in 2015 and gained it back double), made friends at school who I had a blast hanging out with, and finally, FINALLY accomplished my goal of graduating college and getting a job as an English teacher in Japan. 

My story doesn’t have a happy ending, because it’s still ongoing. I’m living in Japan now, been off medication for about 9 months, and am still figuring out who I am as a person. I am happy to do this without medication because although it can be a wonderful lifesaver, I feel a bit foggy when I use it. 

I learned something about myself: I am introverted to a fault. Introverted people respond more strongly to outside stimuli, such as other people’s noises, actions, etc. I used to scream at my mom whenever someone did something gross like, “Ew, that guy just spit!!” And she’d say “Well stop looking at him!” But it’s not that easy for me, like I said before - I’m too AWARE. I am far too aware of other people’s actions and they affect me more strongly than they should. So while you might not notice the person standing too close behind you in line, or the guy yakking away on his cell phone while paying the cashier, I’m over here like, “What the actual FUCK is wrong with people?!” Do not even get me started on the real issues that are happening in the world today - racism, homophobia and transphobia, police brutality, TRUMP. We will be here all. fucking. night. 

I’m starting to ramble now, so let me bring it back. As you can see, my depression/mood disorder didn’t get magically cured. Mental illness is a battle, one that you may have to fight for decades, maybe even for your entire life. But let me tell you why you should: the world needs people like us. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE WOKE AS FUCK. Let me show you a little quote that my fellow English teacher who left this world yesterday has as the cover photo on her Facebook page: “People with depression score higher on tests of realism. Intelligence is positively correlated with mental illness and suicide. What this indicates is that if the mind understands too much about reality, it wants to destroy itself. Human life is existential horror.” 

Yes, it’s a harsh quote to read. But with this realization, you are all the more equipped to help yourself survive. Let me tell you how I survive: 1. I know when things are taking a bad turn, and I know when to ask for help (aka, seeking medication, counseling, etc). 2. I have a list of things that make me happy, and when I’m sad, I do something from the list (if nothing makes you happy anymore, SEE #1!!!!). 3. When the pain of the world is too much for me, I retreat (I stop reading the news for a while and bury myself in a book or movie). Note: I am a white, cisgender, straight woman. I am aware that I have the privilege of turning my back on issues from time to time because many issues today do not directly affect me. I am LUCKY. Many people are not. This tactic does not help the world become a better place, but it helps me survive. 4. I recognize when I am in my own head too much, and I GET OUT Being in your own head too much can be a very dangerous thing. Racing thoughts can lead to depression and suicide, no question. Talking with someone else or going out and doing something with someone else will get you out of your own head. This can save your life. 5. I set goals and I accomplish them They don’t have to be huge. Maybe you have small goals on your list like - “Get out of bed and get dressed today” or “Talk with one person today.”  Maybe you have big ones like “Lose 25 pounds” or “Graduate college.” Maybe you’re like me and have a mixture of both. But I swear to you, accomplishing goals does WONDERS for your self esteem. And many of us with mental illness can use as many self esteem boosts as possible. 

I’m sorry this post was so long and I’m sorry that I don’t have all the answers. Most of all, I’m sorry if you’ve ever had to struggle with mental illness as I have. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. And above all else, please, PLEASE remember: IT GETS BETTER. Maybe you’re in a bad situation and you feel that things won’t get better for you. To that I say this: it gets easier. You become stronger. You learn more about yourself - your limitations, your fears, your needs. You get better at taking care of yourself. You get better at surviving. You can do it. I swear to you, if I can, YOU can.