#she's always had some and my therapist has talked about the fact that my case has an element of folie a deux | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

maximoffcarter · 10 months ago

Text

Happier.

Pairings: Casey Novak x reader, Past Olivia Benson x reader.

Summary: The moment reader met Olivia, she knew it was over for her. Two 'straight girls' loving each other behind everyone's backs was meant to be cute and the perfect love story, but it doesn't always work that way. And then, there was Casey Novak.

A/n: Here is the winner of the poll! Once again, bestie here @saurgaeee giving me the ideas. I really do have to give her most of the credit because this amazing girl is pushing me to write all this great ideas and keeps me writing everyday and I love every moment of it, so please thank my bestie here. I gotta say that...I kinda feel bad for Olivia, but if you ask me...I'll always choose my wife Casey Novak. If you got any requests, please don't be shy and drop them at my ask box or message me, I’m kind of getting over the requests and ideas and I do wanna write more haha! Enjoy and leave your comments, reblogs, hearts, whatever you'd like, will be very much appreciated🫶🏻

*not my gif*

“Hey! Y/n is here!” Elliot smiled as y/n walked to them.

“Hi guys.” Y/n smiled softly as she stood beside Olivia.

“What brings our favorite therapist here?” Munch said as he sat on his chair, offering a smile.

“Don’t let Huang hear you or he’ll be hurt.” Fin joked.

Y/n rolled her eyes. “We have different but similar professions. I don’t think Huang will mind.” She grinned as she looked at Munch. “I was on my way to court, but I thought you’d need a copy of my report from the Lopez case. I have some time before I need to be there.” She placed the file on Elliot’s desk. She then smiled as she looked back at Olivia. “Can I talk to you?” She whispered softly, enough for Olivia to hear.

Olivia nodded as she offered a small smile. “Sure.” She looked back at the guys and smiled. “Be right back, gonna walk y/n out.” She placed her hand on y/n’s back and walked with her.

Truth was that y/n had not only stopped by the precinct to drop off the file, but also because she has been wanting all day to go visit Olivia. They had been secretly dating for a whole year and whenever they had a chance, they’d visit each other, Olivia more often than y/n since they had not told anyone about it. The moment y/n met Olivia, she knew she was screwed because Olivia was in her mind 24/7. Y/n sighed softly as they walked to one of the offices that were pretty much empty, and the squad wouldn’t be able to see that they had gone in there. As soon as the door closed, Olivia placed her hands on y/n’s waist and pushed her against the door, kissing her lips softly. Y/n sighed against her lips as she kissed her back, her hands going to Olivia’s neck to pull her closer, but when she felt Olivia’s hand going under her shirt, she pulled away and looked down, placing her hand on Olivia’s chest to stop her.

Olivia furrowed her brows as she looked at y/n. “Is something wrong?”

Y/n shook her head as she huffed a chuckle. “Liv…we really need to talk about us.” She looked up at Olivia.

“What about us?” Olivia asked softly as she took a step back.

Y/n nibbled on her lip as she looked away for a moment, shrugging as she scoffed. “The fact that after a whole year together…you’re still pulling me into empty offices so you can kiss me, but whenever we’re out of the apartment or the office, it’s like you barely know me.” She looked back at Olivia. “I don’t want to pressure you into coming out. I don’t want to be that person that pressures you into telling everyone that you’re dating a girl, because I am not that person. But Liv…how long is this gonna keep going?”

Olivia took a deep breath as she looked away. She shook her head softly, trying to find the right words to say. “I- I don’t know. I just…I’m not ready.”

“Olivia is not like I’m asking you to put it on the papers. I’m not asking you to tell the whole precinct that we’re dating. But I just cannot be a secret anymore. I want to hold your hand, I want to be able to hug you without you being tensed, I want to take you out on dates, I want to be your person. I want to tell you that I love you without being cautious of who is listening to us.” Y/n sighed as she walked to Olivia and held her hands. “Olivia…I hate to be this person, I really do. But how much longer are we gonna keep pretending that we’re nothing to the world?”

Olivia sighed as she looked down and shook her head. “I just can’t do it.” She looked up at y/n and shrugged. “I’ve told you before why I don’t want to go public.”

“I know the risk of your job. But we both know that’s not the real reason.” Y/n smiled sadly. She then sighed as she leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. “I’ll call you later.” She turned to leave.

“You’re not coming over today?”

Y/n turned to look at Olivia as she opened the door. “I don’t know.” She stared at Olivia for a moment and then left the office.

Y/n knew better than to pressure someone to come out, she had treated so many people before who had told her about how hard it was for them to come out to their families or friends, how it could ruin their life or their jobs, she’s had so many people asking for advice on what to do, and she’s heard of others who have admitted that even if it would affect their lives, they could and would come out. She herself had been hiding who she truly was since she could remember, and the reality was that Olivia had been the person that made her break that idea that she was straight.

She knew what she was getting herself into when she started dating Olivia, she had been in denial of falling for the ‘straight girl’ when she herself had considered herself to be one, but the more she spent time with her, the more she wanted to be with her and the fact that Olivia flirted with her every possible chance, gave away the fact that neither of them were straight. So, she gave them a chance. And no, she didn’t regret it, she had fallen for Olivia, and she somehow knew that Olivia felt the same, but lately, it had been more obvious that Olivia had no intention of mentioning that y/n was her girlfriend. She hated the position she was in, asking Olivia to not be a secret anymore, but she had lived in the dark for so long that she didn’t want to be stuck in there more time.

********************

Olivia knocked softly, looking around as she waited for y/n to open. Once she heard the door opening, she smiled softly as she looked at y/n. “Hi.”

Y/n offered a small smile. “I figured you’d come.” She said softly.

“I couldn’t just leave our conversation like that.”

Y/n nodded and stepped aside to let Olivia in. “I know.”

Olivia walked into the apartment and waited for y/n to close the door. She turned to look at her and offered a smile. “Have you eaten?”

Y/n nodded. “I just finished. I have some leftovers if you want some.”

Olivia shook her head. “I’m good.”

“Anything to drink?”

“I’m good.” Olivia cleared her throat as she looked down at her hands. “Y/n, I-“

“I can’t do this anymore, Liv.” Y/n whispered softly as she looked at Olivia, her eyes watering.

Olivia looked up at y/n, feeling a pressure in her chest. “Y/n…please don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry…” Y/n bit her lip as she tried to hold back her tears. “Olivia, we can’t keep this going. I don’t want to be the reason you push yourself to come out. I hate to be that person, and earlier I figured out that I was, and I felt like a hypocrite. I don’t want to pressure you, I don’t want to push you to do that. But I cannot do this. I can’t be hiding again, not when I did it for a long time, I cannot go back to that.” She sobbed softly as she shook her head. “You made me realize who I truly was, and maybe it was me that I just felt safe enough to put it out there, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to do the same. You’re…you’re amazing, Liv. I don’t want us to end up in bad terms. So I’m setting you free.”

Olivia shook her head as she walked to y/n, her hands going to y/n’s cheeks and kissing her forehead softly. “No. Y/n, please. Don’t do this. I just…I can’t. I’m just figuring out who I am, and what I want. This job…I need you, y/n.” She pulled away enough to look down at y/n.

Y/n closed her eyes as she tried to avoid Olivia’s stare. “You don’t have to do anything, Olivia.” She looked at Olivia as she sobbed, tears now rolling down her cheeks. “You can do this at your own pace, and I’ll be here if you need me. But I cannot be part of it anymore. I cannot go at your pace anymore. I need to go at my own pace. And if we keep pushing, if we keep trying…we’re just gonna keep hurting each other, Liv.”

Olivia closed her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head softly. “I’m sorry.” She whispered softly.

Yn smiled sadly, kissing Olivia’s forehead softly. “I’m sorry too.” She whispered and pulled away to look at Olivia, her hands grabbing Olivia’s and kissing the back of them softly. “I’ll be here.”

Olivia nodded as she took a deep breath. “I should go…”

“Okay.” Y/n nodded as she let go of Olivia’s hands.

Olivia opened the door and stood there for a moment, looking back at y/n. “You know I love you, right?”

Y/n smiled sadly. “Yes.”

Olivia nodded one last time before she walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind her.

********************

Casey groaned as she looked down at her watch, waiting for the doors of the elevator to open. She thought she had more time to get to court but it seemed like destiny was not on her side that day and the traffic had been worst than it usually was. So now, here she was, standing right in front of the elevator, hoping that she could make it up in the next 5 minutes. As the doors opened, she went inside and pressed the buttons to close the doors and to the floor she needed to get to, but before the doors closed, she heard someone yelling to stop the doors, and even if she wanted to be selfish that day, she knew that she’d want someone to hold the doors for her if she was the one yelling, so she did just that.

“Thanks.” Y/n breathed out as she literally ran into the elevator, offering a small to Casey.

Casey nodded as she returned the smile. “Floor?”

Y/n looked at the floors and smiled. “Going to the same one.” She looked at Casey and for a moment felt her heart stopping as she noticed the redhead. She cleared her throat and looked at the doors, trying not to look at the redhead again.

Both of them fell into silence as they waited to get to their floor, but again, it seemed like destiny was not in the mood to be nice that day, and suddenly they heard a loud sound coming from the elevator, and suddenly it stopped. While y/n pressed herself again the wall grabbing her cellphone, Casey cursed under her breath and tried to press any button, but nothing was working, groaning as she realized that she’d not get to her arraignment in time. She pressed the emergency button and then got her cellphone out, calling someone to let them know that she was stuck in the elevator, and she wouldn’t make it.

“Guess destiny is not on justice’s side, huh?” Y/n joked as she looked at Casey, a faint grin on her face. “Unless you’re here for the defense?”

Casey huffed a chuckle. “The first one sounds right.” She turned to look at y/n and smiled. “You?”

Y/n shrugged. “I was supposed to testify but…guess that won’t be happening today.”

Casey chuckled softly as she nodded. “Yep.” She put her cellphone back in her briefcase and sighed. “Well…guess we’ll be here for a while.” She offered a smile and extended her hand. “I’m Casey.”

“I’m y/n.” Y/n smiled softly as she took Casey’s, for a moment her breathing stopped again as she held her hand for a little longer than she expected, noticing Casey’s faint smirk on her face. She let go of her hand and cleared her throat, putting a strand of hair behind her ear. “So…uh…ADA?”

“Yeah, actually. I recently started in SVU.”

Y/n scoffed as she looked down at the floor. “I’m familiar with it.”

Casey’s smile fainted a little as she looked at y/n. “Oh. I’m-“

Y/n looked back at Casey. “No! No, I mean…I’ve worked with them. I’m…I’m a therapist. I used to…to treat some of the victims.”

“Oh! Yes, I…heard Huang mentioning you once. They really miss you.” Casey grinned.

Y/n shrugged as she grinned. “Can’t say I’m not better than Huang but.” She chuckled softly.

Casey chuckled as she nodded. “Well, I’d definitely love to work with you if you ever think about going back.” She grinned.

Y/n stared at her for a moment, a smile appearing on her face without her noticing. “To see me or to actually work with me?”

Casey shrugged. “Maybe both.” She nibbled on her lip as she tried to hold back a smile.

Y/n’s eyes landed on Casey’s lips, suddenly she was left speechless. Her eyes went back to green ones, her smile widening. “We can always go for a coffee, or…lunch?”

“I was thinking the same thing.” Casey smiled, looking into her briefcase, and getting a small card along with a pen. She wrote something on it and then handed it to y/n. “That’s my personal number. We can arrange a day and time.”

Y/n looked down at it and smiled softly, nodding her head as she looked back at Casey. “Sounds like a plan.”

Before they could say anything else, the doors to the elevator opened, making them turn their heads and look at the officers that had forced the doors open. Casey mentioned that she had to run but that she’d see her again soon and then exited the elevator, leaving y/n with a smile on her face as she watched her go. She walked out of the elevator and looked down at the card in her hand, smiling as she saw her name and the phone number. She had told herself that she would only focus on herself after the heartbreak that she had gone through 6 months ago, but she was not about to lose a chance to go on a date with a pretty redhead. Maybe after all, destiny hadn’t been as bad as she thought.

********************

“Do you really need to go to that conference?” Casey pouted as she looked at y/n.

Y/n chuckled softly as she walked around the desk and pushed Casey’s chair back, so she was able to sit on her lap, wrapping her arms around her neck and pecking her lips softly. “It’s just for 2 days, and I won’t be too far away. I’ll just be in Chicago.” She ran her hand through Casey’s hair. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Yeah, well, I got a lot of work so that’s good.” Casey smiled softly as she looked up at her girlfriend. “I can take you to the airport in the morning, I got some time.”

Y/n smiled softly. “I’d love that actually.” She chuckled as she leaned down and kissed her lips softly. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?”

“You know we are, wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Casey whispered against her lips. “But, I do have to go to court right now. I got some motions and need to pay a visit to Petrovsky.”

“Of course you do.” Y/n chuckled as she stood up.

“You wanna come with me? We are going the same way anyway.” Casey stood up and grabbed her briefcase, looking back at her and smiling.

Y/n smiled softly and nodded. “Sure.”

It had been a whole year since Casey and y/n had started dating. Y/n had been more than nervous once things started getting serious with Casey to say the least, after their first date, y/n thought that maybe Casey would want to leave it there and they wouldn’t go for a second date, but Casey had been so sweet and charming, looking at y/n in a way that made her feel butterflies in her stomach and she was pretty sure that the whole date, she had been blushing like a teenager. The date had been longer than she had expected, they had stayed at the coffee shop for so long, and then they walked around for a while until they got back to y/n’s. The second date, Casey had taken her to a fancy and beautiful restaurant, and y/n felt like she was in heaven by the way Casey was treating her, everything was just perfect.

Y/n really found it pretty hard to think that she had someone like Casey in her life, things seemed too good to be truth and when Casey confessed she wanted them to be more, y/n felt so scared to be a secret again, but there was not turning back now, not when she was falling hard for Casey, and she wanted nothing more than to give their relationship a chance; and she had taken the best decision ever. The first time she thought Casey would only introduce her as a friend, was one time that Casey had invited her to the batting cages; y/n had told Casey that she wanted to see her play or at least practice, so Casey had invited her to come with her after work. What she didn’t expect was to find some of Casey’s colleagues that also happened to practice there, and when Casey had greeted them, she had thought about stepping aside and wait until she was done talking to them, but to her surprise, Casey grabbed her hand and pulled her to her side to introduce her as her girlfriend.

Y/n remembered the way her heart almost burst out of her chest at the love and happiness she felt, for a moment she believed she was dreaming, but when Casey wrapped her arm around her waist and pulled her closer, she knew it was real. That’s when y/n figured out that Casey was not ashamed of showing her off and that she really meant it when she said she was in love with her. She had told Casey about her failed relationship with Olivia but never told her it had been with her, just told her what had happened, so she thought maybe Casey wanted to show her that she was willing to make their relationship work. That was the first time that y/n had felt truly free, not afraid to show who she was and to show the person she loved, it was when she figured out that she couldn’t imagine her life without Casey, and that she’d do anything to keep her in it.

“Please call me once you’re in the hotel.” Casey said as she placed y/n’s suitcase on the floor, wrapping her arms around y/n’s waist and smiling. “And please be safe.”

Y/n chuckled softly as she wrapped her arms around Casey. “I will be, Novak. I’m a big girl.” She smiled.

“You’re still my baby.” Casey grinned as she kissed her forehead softly.

Y/n blushed slightly as she looked up at Casey. “I’ll miss you.” She grinned.

Casey smiled, leaning down to kiss her lips softly. “Just 2 days, and then I’ll pick you up and we’ll go for dinner.”

“And dessert?” Y/n raised her brow playfully as she smirked.

Casey chuckled as she leaned down. “That one will be when we get home.” She whispered in her ear and nibbled on her earlobe.

Y/n bit her lip and pushed Casey’s back enough to look at her. “Case!” She chuckled softly. “I cannot wait.”

Casey smiled and pecked her lips one more time. “I love you.”

Y/n smiled softly. “I love you more. Be safe yourself.” She pecked her lips and then grabbed her suitcase. “Try not to miss me too much!” She yelled as she walked away.

“I’ll try my best.” Casey chuckled as she watched her girlfriend go.

*******************

“Thanks for coming for a drink with me.” Olivia said as she looked back at Casey, offering a small smile.

Casey shrugged. “Of course, I knew you needed one, and I never say no to one either.” She grinned.

Olivia chuckled as she looked down at her drink. “Elliot told you what happened in there, huh?”

“Yeah...” Casey offered a sympathetic smile. “I don’t blame you for going off on him.”

“He was so proud of wanting to marry a fifteen year old.” Olivia scoffed. “Fifteen, Casey. And he swore that because he offered a good life, it was okay. And he called me a bitter bitch.” She chuckled as she took a sip of her drink. “Though…he might be right.”

Casey frowned. “What you mean?”

Olivia sighed. “I had my chance…to have a good relationship. Someone who really cared about me, didn’t mind my job or hectic hours. They looked out for me, always. They made sure I was okay and made sure I knew I was loved.” She smiled sadly as she looked up at Casey. “I lost it, because I was stupid enough to let them go.”

Casey tilted her head as she listened to Olivia. “We all make mistakes, Liv.”

“I was an idiot, Case. I’m sure they’d have done everything for me and, I just…blew it.” Olivia sighed heavily as she played with her glass, staring at it. “It took me a while but…I figured out that they could’ve been the one.” She looked at Casey and smiled. “You got someone waiting for you?”

Casey smiled as she nodded. “Well…she’s on a trip right now but…I do.”

Olivia smiled. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Would you give up everything for her?”

Casey smiled softly as she looked down at her drink. She nodded softly then, looking up at Olivia. “I would.” She said softly. “I cannot imagine life without her. It’s the first time in years that I actually feel loved and the first time in years that I actually am willing to give everything for her.”

Olivia smiled. “She’s a lucky girl.”

“I’m the lucky one.” Casey chuckled.

“And who’s the lucky girl? Someone I know?”

Casey tilted her head. “Actually-“

Olivia looked down at her phone and groaned as she picked up. “Benson.” She sighed as she stood up. “I’m on my way.”

“Everything okay?”

Olivia shook her head. “Apparently not.” She was about to reach in her pocket to get some money.

“Hey, it’s on me. Go.”

Olivia offered a smile. “Thank you.” She said before she left the bar.

********************

“So, we have nothing?” Casey looked back at them.

“It’s bull. He’s not mentally ill. He’s trying to trick us.” Elliot said as he looked back at Casey. “Let’s wait for Huang and he’ll tell us that he’s manipulating us.”

“Huang said he asked for a favor, he can’t come.” Cragen said as he walked to where the squad was.

“Who is it?” Olivia asked but before Cragen could answer, they all looked at the doors.

Casey smiled. “Baby, what are you doing here?”

Olivia turned to look at the person that Casey was greeting, and she felt her heart dropping as her eyes laid on y/n. Did she hear Casey say baby? Was that…shit. After Olivia and y/n had broken up, y/n had decided to not accept any more cases from SVU, she had asked Huang if he could find someone else because she wanted to fully focus on private practice, and SVU cases were taking a lot of time from her, so she never really saw Olivia again. Even though she had said that she didn’t want them to end on bad terms, y/n couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Olivia and working with her when her heart was completely broken. As for Olivia, she had tried to call y/n a bunch of times, but she never answered again and after hearing that she wouldn’t go to the precinct anymore, she knew then that y/n wanted nothing to do with her. So seeing her here after so long, almost 2 years later, and now knowing that she was the girl Casey had been talking about, broke Olivia’s heart even more.

Y/n stared at Olivia for a moment but then decided to walk to Casey who was already walking to her. “Huang called me. Asked me if I could cover for him.” She smiled as Casey kissed her lips softly.

“You and Novak. That is unexpected.” Fin grinned as he looked at both women.

“What can I say? I won the lottery.” Casey said as she kissed the side of y/n’s head.

Y/n smiled as she looked at Casey. “We both did.” She said softly as she kissed her cheek. “Alright. Anything I need to know?”

Olivia only stared at both Casey and y/n as they updated y/n with the case, giving her some information so she didn’t walk into the room in blank. She knew she had to focus on the case, and that y/n was here for the perp, but the fact that she was dating Casey pissed her more than she expected. She was sure that sooner or later, y/n would find someone who could fulfill y/n’s needs, that would love her and that would look out for her the way Olivia was not able to. But the fact that it was Casey Novak who made her happy, who was able to kiss her, hold her, go back home to her, it was pissing Olivia off. Y/n then walked into the interrogation room, and they all stood in Cragen’s office, looking through the window and focusing on their conversation.

“It’s been a while since we’ve had y/n here. It’s nice to have her back.” Elliot said as he smiled.

“My girlfriend is good at what she does.” Casey said softly as she grinned.

“Could you not talk? We’re trying to listen.” Olivia suddenly snapped, looking at Casey and then back at y/n and the perp.

Elliot frowned and looked at Casey who looked back at him, but right after they shook it off, focusing on the conversation. 20 minutes later, y/n had gotten more information than they had done in the last 2 hrs, Casey turned to Elliot and asked him to check his phone record and make sure to find anything at all, leaving Casey and Olivia alone in Cragen’s office. They both stayed quiet for a little longer, y/n looking at the window a while after to let them know that she was about to finish with him.

“She only needed 20 minutes to get him to talk. Isn’t she amazing?” Casey said proudly as she looked at Olivia, a smile on her face.

“Yes, Casey. We know how she works. We have no doubt that she’s good. Or she didn’t tell you that she used to work with us?” Olivia snapped as she turned closed the blinds and turned to leave the office.

“Do you have a problem, Olivia?” Casey frowned as she walked to Olivia.

Olivia turned to look at Casey. “No. I have no problem.”

“You just…completely changed in an instant. Is there anything bothering you or-“

“Look, Casey, we’re really not friends for me to tell you about my problems or go to you to talk. So, don’t pretend like you want to know if I’m okay or not.” Olivia scoffed as she shook her head, turning to walk away.

Casey scoffed as she shook her head. “Oh, now we’re not friends? What happened to that night weeks ago when we were having a drink and talking?”

Olivia shrugged. “We’re colleagues, colleagues do that.”

Casey nodded as she looked away. “Got it.” She offered a smile. “I’m sorry that I thought we were friends.” She passed Olivia and opened the door to walk out of the office.

Olivia sighed heavily as she looked up and found y/n going to Casey, giving her a kiss on the cheek, and smiling at something Casey told her. If she thought she had a chance to get y/n back, now it was long gone. She had found happiness, she had found her person…and Olivia…well…she was wishing she was in Casey’s place.

********************

Olivia knocked on Casey’s door and leaned against the door frame. Casey looked up from her notepad and offered a small smile. “Can I come in?” She showed Casey the bag of food she had in her hands and smiled a little. “I brought Chinese.”

Casey huffed a chuckle and nodded. “C’mon in.”

“I thought you might want a little help in the Duvall case.” Olivia smiled as she sat down and placed the bag in a place where it wouldn’t mess with Casey’s paperwork.

Casey nodded. “Yeah, just going through notes.” She sighed. “But that’s not the only reason you’re here, right?”

Olivia shook her head as she smiled. “I’m sorry about what happened a few weeks ago. I never got to say I was sorry.”

Casey nodded. “I figured you were just going through something, and I made you snap.”

Olivia shrugged. “Maybe, I still shouldn’t have reacted that way.”

“Well, you brought me dinner, so you’re forgiven.” Casey smiled.

“Y/n is not coming?” Olivia asked as she grabbed the bag and looked inside to get the boxes of food.

“Uh, no. She was invited to present a class in Columbia, so I told her I’d meet her at home.” Casey smiled.

“Good.” Olivia looked up at Casey and smiled. “You really are lucky, Case.”

Casey frowned slightly and then smiled. “I know.”

Olivia knew it was not her place to talk about the relationship she had with y/n, not if y/n had not told Casey anything about it. As much as she wanted to tell Casey that y/n had been the person she was talking about back in the bar, she knew that if she mentioned it, it might cause problems between Casey and y/n, and the last thing she wanted, was to have Casey coming after her or y/n getting hurt, so she decided that the best option was to continue as if nothing had happened, and be in good terms with Casey, after all, they were working together.

After an hour or so going over Casey’s notes and the files, Olivia decided to go get some coffee, seeing the hour and realizing that they would definitely spend more time in Casey’s office than they wanted to. She knew that because of the hour, she’d have to walk for a bit to find an open coffee shop, taking her around 30 minutes to get the coffee and go back to Casey’s office. Once she was back, she frowned as she noticed the lights in Casey’s office were now off, for a moment believing that Casey had gone home.

“Casey, I had to go three blocks to find the open coffee shop, if you went home, I’m gonna kill you.” Olivia huffed a chuckle as she opened the door but then she noticed it was completely dark and quiet, frowning again as she reached for the switch of the light and turning it on, finding Casey passed out on the floor. “Casey…” She whispered softly as she dropped the coffee and knelt on the floor to check Casey’s pulse. She got her phone out and dialed 911 asking for a bus and to be quick cause Casey was not responding. She put her phone back in her coat and tried to check if Casey was bleeding from anywhere else, panic suddenly taking over.

After the ambulance and the police arrived, she told Elliot that she’d ride with Casey and to call y/n if he had the chance. The whole ride to the hospital, Olivia kept staring at Casey and hoped that she’d wake up, but she kept hearing that she was not responding but there was a pulse. She held Casey’s hand the whole ride, mumbling a prayer, or anything at all for Casey to wake up and to be alright, she felt guilty for leaving her there and taking so long to find the coffee shop. Once in the hospital, they got Casey right into surgery and they asked Olivia to wait in the waiting room. She kept pacing around as she waited, her mind filled with thoughts as she tried to remember if she saw someone or anyone that could’ve hurt Casey, and then it hit her that they had sent flowers, and for a moment they had joked that maybe y/n had sent them, which in all honesty, it made Olivia feel a little jealous, but she didn’t say anything. So, if it hadn’t been from y/n, someone else went to Casey’s office and attacked her. As was lost in thought and pacing around the room, she didn’t notice y/n walking into the waiting room, calling for Olivia until she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to find y/n right in front of her.

“Y/n…” Olivia breathed out.

“Where’s Casey?” Y/n asked almost out of breath.

Olivia took a deep breath as she tried to focus back on the present. “She’s…she’s in surgery. She has a concussion and I think…broken ribs. I don’t…I don’t really know.”

“What happened?” Y/n’s voice trembled as she looked at Olivia, her eyes filling with tears.

“We were…we were going over the case, and we were just talking about it and going over the options, and I offered to go for coffee. I left for…for 30 minutes. And I came back, and she was passed out on the floor. I don’t know-“

“Is there a suspect? Is there someone that wanted to hurt Casey?”

Olivia looked at y/n and shook her head. “I don’t know, y/n.”

Y/n sobbed as she turned away from Olivia, her hands going through Casey’s hair. “I should’ve gone to her office instead of home.”

Olivia sighed as she tried to place her hand on y/n’s shoulder. “Y/n, we didn’t know this would happen-“

“You left her alone.” Y/n turned again to look at Olivia, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Why did you leave her alone?”

Olivia was taken aback by the question, looking at y/n with disbelief. “Y/n…I didn’t know this was gonna happen.”

“Are you sure?” Y/n snapped.

Olivia scoffed. “What? You think that because I found out you’re dating Casey, that I decided to, what, let a perp or a random person go to Casey’s office to attack her? Are you even listening to yourself right now?”

“Oh, please. Casey told me the way you acted the day I went to the precinct. You were rude when she doesn’t even have any idea about you.”

“I called you. A million times. I regretted so much to let you go so easily. And you never answered!”

“I moved on, so what, Olivia? It’s been almost two years. You thought I’d sit around and wait until you were okay with coming out and telling people that you had something with me? You had no right to treat Casey like that, she did nothing to you. If you wanna take it out on someone, it should be me. Not Casey.” Y/n started to raise her voice as she stared at Olivia.

“I should be the one making you happy and holding your hand! I should be the one loving you, not Casey!”

“You had your chance! I gave you a chance and you took it for granted! I moved on, and I met Casey, and you know what?! Casey is the best thing that has happened to me! I love her like I have never loved anyone! And if I lose her, this will be on you, Olivia!”

“That’s enough!”

Olivia and y/n turned to look at Elliot standing just a few feet away from them. Suddenly they both remembered they were in the waiting room of the hospital and a few people that were there were now staring at them. Y/n swallowed hard as she looked down at the floor, trying to calm down as more tears rolled down her cheeks. Elliot then walked to them and placed a hand on y/n’s shoulder.

“I’ll go ask for Casey, to see if she’s out of surgery.” Y/n whispered softly, walking out of the waiting room.

Elliot stared at Olivia and placed his hand on her shoulder. “What was that about?”

Olivia looked at Elliot with tears in her eyes. “I blew it. I lost y/n a long time ago, and now it’s too late.”

Elliot sighed as he nodded. “You two were dating back when she was helping us, huh?” Olivia nodded. “Why you never told me?”

“I was not sure of who I was or what I wanted, I was confused. I’m not twenty anymore. I was just-“ Olivia shrugged. “I don’t know.” She sniffled as she shook her head. “And I blew it. And now she’s happy with Casey, and I’m still here wishing that it was me.”

“Liv…you need to let her go. She was out of line, what happened to Casey had nothing to do with you, it’s not your fault. But you need to let her go.”

Olivia stared at Elliot as she tilted her head, more tears rolling down her cheeks. “I know.” She whispered softly.

********************

Casey opened her eyes slowly, turning her head as she noticed y/n leaning over her arm fast asleep. She smiled softly and slowly moved her other hand to run her fingers through y/n’s hair. Y/n took a deep breath as she opened her eyes and looked up to find Casey staring at her. “Hi sleepyhead.” Casey whispered softly.

Y/n’s face softened as she smiled. “Welcome back, baby.”

Casey smiled. “I fell asleep as soon as I talked to Olivia.”

Y/n nodded softly. “You did. But that’s okay…you need all the possible rest.” She smiled softly as she got up and leaned down to kiss Casey’s forehead softly. “Do you want some water?”

Casey shook her head slowly. “I’m good.” She sighed. “Can I ask you something?”

Y/n sat in bed and brought Casey’s hand to her lips, kissing the back of it softly. “Anything.”

“It was Olivia, wasn’t it? Your heartbreak.” Casey said softly, almost in a whisper as she looked at y/n.

Y/n sighed as she looked at Casey’s hand and then up at her again, nodding softly. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Y/n shrugged. “I didn’t think it was important. Olivia and I…we broke up and after that, we tried to continue working together but it wasn’t easy. And I stopped talking to her and going to the precinct. We lost contact until that day when I went to the precinct again.” She bit her lip softly. “I didn’t mean to hide it from you, Case. If I would’ve known that Olivia was going to act that way-“

“You have history with her. I don’t blame her. I can’t say that I wouldn’t react the way she did.” Casey grinned.

Y/n huffed a chuckle as she shook her head. “Still, she had no right to treat you like that, Casey.”

Casey shrugged. “I can handle it.” She smiled. “So…are you really over her?”

Y/n tilted her head. “You really asking me that?” She smiled. “Case, I’ve been over her since the moment I met you. Even before that. Yes, what I had with Olivia…it was something. She was the first woman I was with, but things didn’t work with her. And I have you, Casey. And no, you’re not a rebound or replacement or anything. I love you, Casey. And I’d do anything not to lose you. I can’t imagine my life without you.” She felt her eyes getting teary as she spoke, afraid that Casey would tell her that they had to break up.

Casey sighed softly as she pulled y/n closer, signaling her to lean down. “I’m not going anywhere, my love. I love you too much to let you go. But…I just needed to know.” She smiled once y/n was resting her forehead against Casey’s carefully. “You cannot get rid of me.”

Y/n chuckled softly. “I better not. I mean it, Casey.”

Casey nodded. “And I mean it too. I love you, and I’d do anything for you. I cannot imagine my life without you either.” She grinned. “We’re too cheesy.”

Y/n laughed softly. “We’re disgusting.” She smiled as she kissed Casey’s lips softly. “Please, never leave me.”

“Not planning to.” Casey smiled as she kissed her lips again.

********************

Y/n took a deep breath as she walked to Olivia’s desk, thankful that the rest of the squad was gone. She cleared her throat softly, making Olivia look up at her. “Hi.”

Olivia sighed. “Hi.”

“I uh…I wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry if I didn’t call before.”

Olivia shook her head. “It’s okay. You want to go somewhere else?”

Y/n shook her head. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I was stressed and worried about Casey.” She sighed. “I really didn’t mean to tell you all those things.”

“But you were right.” Olivia stood up and leaned over her desk. “I shouldn’t have snapped at Casey. I shouldn’t have told you all those things. You had every right to move on.”

Y/n nodded. “You meant so much to me, Olivia. You really did. And you always will.”

Olivia smiled. “But you found your person.”

Y/n smiled. “I did.” She whispered softly.

“I can see that now. And I am so sorry. I’m happy that you’re happy. I truly am. And I hope we can move on from this and…maybe start over.” Olivia smiled as she extended her hand.

Y/n nodded as she held Olivia’s hand. “I’d like that.” She smiled.

Olivia let go of her hand and smiled. “Good. I’m really happy for you, y/n. And I am sorry about what happened to Casey.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault.” Y/n smiled. “I know you’ll find the right person, Liv. Just…live your life as you want it. Don’t overthink it too much.”

“I will.” Olivia smiled. “Take care.”

Y/n smiled. “You too.” She squeezed Olivia’s shoulder before she walked away.

Y/n knew that what she had with Olivia had been special, she had helped her figure out that after all, she had been living in denial her whole life and she had been hiding her true self. Sadly, what she had hoped to have with Olivia, had not worked out the way she wanted, and she believed that somehow, it could’ve been fate telling her that Olivia was not the right person. As cheesy as she thought it was, she knew deep inside that Casey was her person, and the one that she wanted to spend her whole life with. Olivia would always hold a place in her heart, but Casey was her person, and she wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

#casey novak x reader #casey novak #olivia benson x reader #olivia benson #svu fic #svu #law and order svu

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cfr749 · 9 months ago

Text

Initial Thoughts on Chenford in 6x07

All right... I'm feeling... a lot at the moment, so just sharing my initial reactions before seeing anyone else's. I'm sure my feelings will evolve. Also this turned into a GD essay and I'm sorry.

The Good

Grey acknowledging that Lucy was going through a lot ABOVE & BEYOND the break up. I just wish he'd mentioned the shooting, too. Lucy deserves to be more than her relationship with Tim and I need to actually see that in the future.

Lucy laying out 2 key things in her conversation with Grey - how easily Tim walked away and that he had no right to make that decision for her

Prior to the last scene (see The Ugly below), I thought Tim's interactions with the therapist were reasonably well done; if only therapy was that easy in real life lol

"You've always got a home with me" - I loved this final scene between Lucy and Tamara. I don't really have feelings either way about Tamara at this point, and this still hit me right in the heart.

Smitty's poll made me laugh, but also another solid indicator that these writers / producers do in fact really enjoy laughing at the expense of the fandom and shippers (which, whatever, I don't care that they do, I'd prob do the same; but it does irk me when people act like these writers should be worshipped because of all the things they "give" us)

The Tim

"I'm not depressed. I broke up with her."

"I was her TO." Not her friend, cuz god knows Tim has yet to deal with the fact that he started banging his former Rookie I suppose.

I dunno whether to put this in The Good or The Bad at this point; it depends on where they take it, so instead Tim gets a section all about why he's a dick.

To be clear, I do not like that Tim is a dick. But I actually do kind of like that it is very clear TO THE AUDIENCE that Tim is being kind of a dick. Do I still think people will bend over backwards to defend him? Of course they will.

From my perspective, I love Tim, I understand that he thinks he's doing the right thing, and has lots and lots of trauma. I've never seen Tim as a character that magically healed at some point between Seasons 1 & 5 (please see his storyline with his dad, his ongoing issues with UC work and unwillingness to confront or deal with them, his feelings about therapy historically, his inability to dump Ashley, etc. etc.). He's never been perfect and he doesn't need to be.

All of those things are true. None of those things give him a free pass to be kind of a dick. He still has to take accountability for how he treated Lucy (which, to be clear, was like sh*t).

The Bad

Lucy being petty AF with the invites to Tamara's dinner - let her be ANGRY, but give me villain Lucy over this dumb sh*t.

Lucy having no one other than Grey to talk to.

Others acting like Lucy is actually kind of pathetic (why do these writers love sh*tting on her so much? girl could not be down and kicked any harder at this point) -- Celina / Nolan and the double dumping crap, Lucy thinking Grey paid actors and him telling her she was out of her damn mind

The last interaction between Lucy and Tim. I am so angry for her. I needed to see that from her, but instead it felt kind of like her being dumped / a kicked puppy all over again. We got it, thanks. What's next? Lucy being incredibly happy with the hottest man on earth? I'm here for it tbh. Lucy plotting Tim's murder? Also here for it at this point. LOL.

The Ugly

I could not hate the implication of that final scene with Tim and the therapist and the door shutting more. There was ZERO reason they couldn't have had him show up during the day, and it actually disgusts me that they are pushing this line again, but especially with Tim. I am literally NEVER this dramatic, but in this case I really hope they did that to just get a reaction, because if anything were to actually happen between Tim and the therapist, I'd be 100% done with this ship and show as would a whole lot of the audience (I think). If I kept watching, it would only be to see Lucy be absurdly happy without Tim.

Well, what'd I miss? What did y'all think?

#chenford #the rookie #the rookie spoilers #see lana ramble #no one tell the writers that women can have storylines that are not about BABIES

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kikker-oma · 1 year ago

Note

LU HEADCANNONS FOR EACH OF THE BOIS

ALPHABETICAL ORDER

Four

Looks at his feet ALL THE TIME while walking, he doesn’t wanna step on a minish. Speaking of which, aside from Legend, is the only one fluent in more than one language because he knows the picori language

His hair looks brushed? Nah, it’s not. He tried brushing it and it always gets tangled, but the knots are just so fine it doesn’t even look like it’s tangled, so he only brushes the top layer of his hair.

Hyrule

Keeps the peace. One of the only reasons that the chain isn’t at each others throats. Part of the reason is that he doesn’t know what half of these debates is about, but is very good at making each side seem like he agrees with them, even though he’s confused.

Memorizes facts about everybody’s Hyrule to be prepared. Is VERY keen on being prepared. Even though he may come off as chaotic, he always has a plan for whatever will go wrong. Very much belives in murphey’s law.

Legend

ANGSTY GUY. Seems talkative but NEVER talks about what he truly thinks just talks because he feels the need to show people that he exists and is strong.

Claims that he hates children. Yet he will hug any baby he sees. Absolutely adores children if we are being honest. He even got Sky to teach him embroidery so he can embroid little blankets for babies 🥹

Sky

Hopeless romantic. He will wax poetry about Sun for 25 hours seven days a week if you let him. He shares literally everything he’s interested in with her.

He sometimes (this is so OOC but idc) sends post cards of him and Fi to LD-301S Scrapper to make him jealous. He absolutely hates that tiny robot.

Time

Cryptic. Will spill traumatizing memories of his past but will make them so cryptic that nobody will understand WHAT he’s saying.

(I think we can all agree) a father at heart. He knows eventually he will have to bid his goodbyes to the other 8 members of the chain but REALLLLY doesn’t wanna.

Twilight

Will eat table scraps

Is either REALLY good at getting women or REALLY bad, depends on where and when. Even though he is he regrets everyone because he’s still sad about Midna.

Family therapist. He knows everybodies problems and never shares them to anybody else, he’s always there for everyone.

Warriors

Even if he flirts with women, he never wants to date anyone. He’s still kinda… traumatized about Cia. He is more of a “take you out on a nice date but remains just friends” guy. He knows it may come off as toxic but he has best intentions.

He actually got his scarf enchanted by a great fairy. It as a defense boost and attack up. There is a reason he wears it, gotta be fashionable and practical.

Wild

LOADED, like 999,999 rupees. Because of this, for each era he goes to, he buys a yard of fabric for his home era. He will find use for it… some day.

As much as he and Flora are… alright together. He is still salty about her. He knows that she was struggling with finding her own destiny, but he still doesn’t like how he was treated.

Wind

Do NOT challenge him to any card game. At all. He will win he will take all your rupees and there is nothing you can do to stop him. And by the rare case that you DO beat him, he will pull the “young innocent baby boy” card which makes you want him to win and end up revoking your winner status.

A mischievous boy. Will poke people with his wind waker and finds it hilarious ever. Single. Time. The amount of times Wars literally had to hide it from him as he kept using the “control” power (idk what to call it) is uncountable. People would think that he taught Aryll all of this, but nope. Aryll was the one that taught him all those tricks. It runs in the family.

Ooohhhh these headcannons are so fun!!!

Fours little fairy knots in his hair is oddly adorable

Hyrule being the peacemaker instead of sky is really refreshing and I feel like more on oar for his character tbh!

Legend embroidering baby blankets has my heart MELLTIIINGGG😭❤️

Sky being a gremlin to Scrapper is also VERY true to his character. Sky is the best little piece of crap 🤣🤣

Time being SO cryptic hahaha and why shouldn't he be? It's so much more fun that way LOL.

Me feeding Twi all my scraps

Poor wars, Cia really is disgusting😠

Wild being rich🤣YES HAHA and they would be so shocked too lolol

Wind will BANKRUPT wild in a game of cards haha that would be a night to remember lol

#sweet blarefordaglare #linkeduniverse #linked universe

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briefinquiries · 1 year ago

Text

Luke Alvez x Reader: What You Deserve

Description: Feeling undeserving of luke's attention and affection.

Word count: 5.3k

Warnings: low self-esteem, negative self-talk, internalized fat phobia

A/N: I wrote this back when I was super insecure about my weight (i.e. this is how i felt about every guy i dated). but just saying i lowkey hate the insecure plus-sized reader trope and want to write better plus-size reader fics in the future, but this is all i have to repost for now!

You were ten when you sprained your ankle on the playground at school and wound up at the doctor’s office with your mom. The doctor was nice and distracted you from the pain in your ankle with some funny jokes. He even let you listen to your own heartbeat with his stethoscope.

But at the end of the visit, once you had a splint on your ankle, he turned to your mom and mentioned the term overweight.

“She’s on the high end of her age’s weight class,” he said matter-of-factly. And maybe it was just a simple matter of fact. You’d never thought much about your weight before that day. You were happy. You loved to play- especially outside. Your favorite game was capture the flag, but it didn’t matter. You were active and healthy.

Your mom listened to his advice intently, because he was the professional after all. Who was she to question his word on your health? And when you get home you were immediately placed on what she calls a diet.

“That means no more ice cream after dinner, and we’re going to cut back on the popcorn, too.”

And maybe the doctor was right, you started to think, as you took a long look at yourself in the full length mirror behind the bathroom door that very same night. You pinched the skin protruding from your stomach and watched as the fat around your thighs jiggled. Maybe you were too big, too fat. You thought of your friends at school and for the first time, (but certainly not the last), you found yourself wondering, why don’t I look like them?

“The diet will help,” your mom told you reassuringly.

Except it doesn’t. Instead, you wound up gaining more weight, this time at a rapid pace, because you’ve found that when Mom says you can’t have ice cream after dinner, you wind up sneaking into the kitchen after she’s gone to bed and eating it anyway. But you don’t stop there. You eat some of the watermelon that’s left in the fridge, too, and some crackers from the cupboard. Just enough from each box so that she doesn’t notice, but enough altogether, that you go to bed with a full, aching stomach.

This becomes a pretty standard part of your nightly routine until your mom caught you digging through the pantry one night, while she had come downstairs quietly for a glass of water.

The look on her face was shock, followed quickly by disgust. You felt embarrassed and ashamed and humiliated.

“I can’t believe you’ve been doing this,” then, “it’s no wonder you’re gaining all that weight.”

…

You’ve always had a difficult time loving yourself, you’ve always looked in the mirror and not necessarily liked what looked back at you. Sure, there were days where you thought to yourself, I look pretty today. But in the back of your mind there was always that voice that would add, for a fat person.

When you’re in your twenties, you finally break the habitual pattern of binge eating that you’d been doing since you were a kid. As you ticked off the number of days it had been since a binge, you sighed. You really would have thought that by stopping consistently overindulging, you’d lose the weight. But that wasn’t the case. Instead, your body has plateaued. No more dramatic gains or losses- it just is. The weight, for the most part, stayed on.

By your thirties, you’d come to an understanding, a blind acceptance, with your body. You didn’t always like it, but you appreciated it. Neutrality, your therapist had encouraged. And that was good enough.

Regardless, you had other things going for you besides your looks and your weight. You had a great job and infinite career goals to focus on. Not everything had to be about being beautiful and desirable, you learned.

…

Your favorite thing about being part of the BAU were your coworkers. You never expected how close you’d get to them, but before you knew it, they felt more like your family than anything else. Something about constantly facing life-threatening situations with one another created an everlasting bond encased in mutual trust.

You and the rest of the team had a rare evening off, which normally, you’d spend waiting skeptically by your phone, convinced that you’d get called in for a case any minute. But not tonight, Emily had promised. All cases were on hold until the morning. You were sitting at home, contemplating what to do with your precious time when the text came through.

It was Tara messaging the group chat, asking if anyone was up for drinks and a night out. It didn’t take long before Luke’s name came flashing across your screen next. It was impossible to ignore the butterflies fluttering rampantly in your stomach as you read the words that he’s typed.

I’m in, he said simply.

Luke was the newest member to have joined the team. Just months prior, he transferred to the BAU from the Fugitive Task Force. As soon as Emily brought him into the conference room, you knew all bets were off. He was tall and handsome, with a clean cut, thick beard and dark skin. While he was given personalized introductions, you had noticed his bicep flexing as he extended his arm out to shake everyone’s hands. When he was introduced to you, his large hand engulfing yours and his dark eyes scanned the length of you, and you knew instantly that Luke Alvez was a catch.

It was pointless and childish and arbitrary, and you knew it. But you couldn’t shake it, no matter how hard you tried- no matter how many times you told yourself he’d never be into a girl like you. A fat girl like you, the voice in your head said. You tried to challenge that voice- fought back and argued with it occasionally just like your therapist had encouraged, but it still found ways of insisting that you weren’t worthy of attention or affection from someone like Luke.

So, before your insecurities could convince you to decline Tara’s invite that night, you typed back a quick, I’m in, too.

…

It turned out most of the team decided to join your night out. And it was fun, or it would have been, if not for the critic in your head being abnormally loud.

Look how skinny JJ looks in that top- you could never pull that off.

Don’t eat the nachos, they’ll think you’re fat.

Eat the nachos, because if you don’t, they’ll know that you know you’re fat.

As always, it was exhausting and all consuming- a never ending battle in your own mind. And while you knew your team didn’t give a shit if you ate the damn nachos or not, you couldn’t stop obsessing over it.

You tried your best to enjoy yourself- to push those thoughts to the back of your mind, but it took effort.

Tara had picked the spot, it was a small pub that serves drinks and food. There was music, but not so loud that you couldn’t hear each other talk. You sipped your vodka lemonade, the straw pinched between your thumb and pointer finger, and watched as Emily and JJ were taking on Rossi and Matt in a game of pool.

Across from you sat Tara and Spencer. They were having an in depth conversation about Jean Piaget, when suddenly, Luke slid into the empty booth seat beside you. Your senses were instantly overwhelmed momentarily by his cologne, strong but not overpowering. His arm brushed yours, the warmth from his skin sending an electrical current through your entire body. You tensed up, if not just from the shock of it all. But as soon as you let your guard down, the voice in your head crept back in. He can feel how fat your arm is- pull away. So you did.

If he noticed, he didn’t comment. Instead he smiled, his white teeth on full display. “Having fun?” he asked.

You took another sip of your lemonade and nodded. “Yeah, it’s nice to have a night away from..” your voice trailed off as you thought of the word.

“Crime? Murder?” Luke smirked. “Serial killers?”

You chuckled, “How about all of the above?”

Luke nodded. “They say crime never sleeps, but we finally will tonight.” He set his drink down and scratched his beard in contemplation. “I’m thinking at least eight hours tonight.”

“Eight hours?” you gawked, “You’re living large!”

Luke laughed. There was a brief pause in the chatter, and you took another sip of your drink awkwardly. You were about to make a joke about the competitive pool game going on in front of you between Rossi and JJ, when Luke leaned over and said quietly, “You look really nice tonight.”

You faltered, you didn't know how to answer, and you couldn’t even bring yourself to look up at Luke’s gaze, because you weren’t sure you could handle it. And while you knew that you should say thank you, you only curled into yourself as if what Luke said was just a snide, nasty remark. Compliments like that were so foreign to you and you felt like you didn’t deserve them, so you had a hard time believing that what Luke had to say was actually genuine. You knew he wasn’t the type of person to ever poke fun at another, but wasn’t that what made the most sense? He certainly wasn’t hitting on you- so maybe it was a pity remark, or just a way to fill the awkward silence.

You ended up just offering him a curt smile, pretending that you didn’t see the way his face fell.

…

You were happy most of the time. Not as carefree as some on the team, but still. You joked with Tara and Emily and had meaningful conversations with Spencer. You asked Dave about his weekends and listened with intent as Matt told you stories about his infinite amount of kids.

But then there were days where you’re nowhere near that feeling.

There were bad days. And when they came, they were always so sudden and unexpected, it almost took your breath away.

You were away on a case with the team in Colorado Springs when you had your first really bad day in a long time.

The case, for the most part, kept you busy, and for a while you were able to ward off the negative thoughts. Instead of fixating on how worthless you felt, you thought about the four victims that had gone missing in the area, you thought of the Unsub and ways your team could find them. You thought about ME reports and patterns in each abduction, it was enough of a puzzle that you were able to stay occupied.

But when you were back at the hotel, the rest of your team in their own rooms, and left to your own thoughts, that’s when the quiet consumed you.

As a child, you learned that the one thing-the only thing- that helped when you were feeling this overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread, was to binge. It helped you stuff the negative thoughts so deep down within yourself, that for at least a little while, you were numb to all the pain.

You knew you shouldn’t- you hadn’t in so long. But just this one time would be okay, right? Only this once, just to feel a little better, and then you wouldn’t do it again.

The battle inside your own head raged on. You took deep breaths, you tried to journal what you were feeling, but the feeling didn't subside. Only when there was a knock at your door, and you were forced to pull yourself back to reality, did the argument get placed on the backburner. You blinked back tears that you didn’t even realize were there before hastily making your way to the hotel door.

“J-just a minute,” you tried to make your voice sound normal, like the debate going on inside your mind about what you were about to do would be obvious to whoever was at the door. You quickly wiped your cheeks and brushed your wrinkled shirt off before hoisting it open.

“Hi,” you managed to smile as you opened the door.

Luke was on the other side, to your surprise, holding two brown paper bags and a couple of bottled drinks.

“Hey,” Luke answered, his eyes lingering on your face for a brief moment. You wondered if he could tell you’d been crying.

“What’s up?” you drawled, as if to politely ask, why the hell are you knocking at my door at eleven pm?

“Everyone else was asleep and I was hungry-” he held up the bag of what was apparently food and shrugged. “Except, I bought way too much, I’ll never eat it all. Are you hungry?”

You gave him a confused look. “I-”

“It’s just burgers, some chicken and some fries, nothing fancy- but I didn’t want to eat alone and I saw your light on..”

You sighed, but then stepped to the side, a gesture for him to come in. Luke gave you a relieved look before entering your room. He headed to the bed, which was the only place to sit.

“Do you mind?” he asked, motioning towards the mattress.

You shook your head, “No, go for it.”

You closed the door behind him and joined Luke, barely noticing that the dread in your stomach from earlier had been replaced by a light, fluttering sensation.

As Luke began unloading the greasy food from the bag, you hesitated. Was this a trick? Was he secretly trying to see how much food you could put away? Was he going to go back and tell the team how much you’d eaten?

Luke picked up on your apprehension.

“Is everything okay?”

You don’t answer quickly enough before he asked, “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Goddamn these intuitive profilers.

“Nothing,” you said. But somehow, Luke heard the lie.

“I know I’m the new guy,” he said, “and it’s probably gonna take some time before you trust me, I know that. But I want you to know you can talk to me.”

“Yeah.. it-it’s nothing,” you managed to say, because you couldn’t talk. Not about this and not yet. Maybe not ever.

“Okay,” Luke nodded. “Sometimes, it’s tough being the new guy. I can see how close you guys all are and I just want to be a part of that eventually, you know?” His eyes bore into your own and you caught a glimpse of the sincerity behind his words, and that was when you started to feel guilty for ever thinking he was here to make fun of you. Luke was here for a friend, for comfort of his own.

You sat on the bed next to Luke and took a fry from the basket. “You are part of it.” You assured him. “Everyone here adores you.”

Me included, is what you didn’t say.

“You wouldn’t be included in our group chat if we didn’t.”

That made Luke smile, his dimple evident in his cheek.

He stayed in your room for a while, the two of you laughing and talking throughout the night. You never realized how much you didn’t know about Luke. Like that he had a dog, for example, or that he grew up in Arizona and moved around a lot once he joined the military. He kept you laughing, his jokes and sarcasm thrown intermittently through his speech.

You shared the chicken and fries with him, not even feeling self conscious when you reached for more to put on your plate. You were too wrapped up in whatever story Luke was telling and the way his eyes lit up as he talked about the things that interested him, to be insecure.

Luke took the last drink of his bottled water before sighing. “I suppose I should head back to my room, and try to get a little sleep.” He lifted his arm and looked at the watch on his wrist. “I’m definitely not getting my eight hours tonight,” he laughed.

You nodded in agreement, the two of you standing up in sync, and you walked Luke to the door.

Luke stepped into the hallway before turning to face you. “Thanks for the company,” he said.

You smiled, “Thanks for the food.”

There was a brief, awkward silence, where neither one of you knew what to do next. But then, it happened quickly. One minute, you were studying the way Luke’s warm, brown eyes were trained on you, and then, before you could predict what would happen next, he stepped forward, one hand planting itself firmly on your hip and the other cupping your chin. He paused briefly, like he was giving you the chance to pull away. But you didn’t- and so the next thing you knew, Luke was pulling you closer to his body and his lips were pressing against your own, their warmth spreading the entirety of your body.

Fat, fat, fat- your mind suddenly screamed. You suddenly became hyper-aware of his fingers digging into the soft, fleshy part of your hip, and wondered if he’d be repulsed by what he felt. But if he was, he didn’t make it obvious.

There had to be a catch, you thought- some alternative motive for him to be kissing you like this. Guys like Luke didn’t go after girls like you. Fat girls like you, the voice said.

He just wants sex.

He’s not thinking straight.

He’ll regret this tomorrow.

You pulled away, breathlessly, your heart suddenly racing. Before Luke could suspect that something was wrong, you offered him your best smile. “I should get to bed,” you explained.

Luke could sense the shift in your tone, you imagined that he wanted to ask what’s wrong, but you were already stepping away from him. Instead he nodded, trying to hide his confusion. “Okay, yeah. G-goodnight.”

“Night,” you whispered before shutting the door.

…

Luke hoped he hadn’t fucked up.

That was his first thought as soon as he saw the door close in his face. He bit his lips, they still tasted like you, and slowly backed away.

His feet drummed against the cheap carpet floor of the hotel as he paced the few doors down to his own room.

He really thought you’d liked him- thought you’d reciprocated the kiss even. But judging by the look on your face when you closed the door, he thought that he might be terribly mistaken.

He didn’t get his eight hours of sleep.

In fact, he barely got any. Instead, he spent the night trying to figure out where the hell he could have gotten things so wrong.

When Luke’s phone started buzzing loudly, he felt exhausted and not even close to ready for the inevitably long day ahead.

Regardless, Luke got ready quickly. The one conclusion that he had come to after contemplating all night was that he wanted to find you and clear the air. Despite his obvious feelings for you that were now right out in the open, he couldn’t risk your friendship, or making things awkward at work. Once he was showered and dressed, Luke departed the hotel in search of some coffee.

He remembered that you liked it hot, with just cream and a hint of cinnamon. This would be his peace offering, an apology for crossing the line, the promise that it wouldn’t happen again.

…

You were answering a text from Emily on your phone, directing you to go to the ME office, when you heard a voice calling your name.

Your head snapped up, and there, sure enough, like he was waiting for you in the lobby, Luke came jogging over. In his outstretched arm was a cup of coffee.

“Hey.”

For a moment, you wondered if maybe Luke really was into you. A kiss one night and coffee the next morning? Surely that meant he wasn’t just looking for a hookup, right?

You accepted his offering with a smile. “What’s this?” you asked dumbfoundedly. Could you really be this lucky? Could he actually be interested in you? The butterflies in your stomach started flying rampantly as you quickly got your hopes up.

“I wanted to apologize-” he said, his head falling, like he was ashamed. “For last night.”

Your heart sank.

“I crossed the line, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Your friendship means a lot to me-”

And there it was. You were no stranger to the friendship line. Guys used it all the time as a way out. After going on dates, after hookups- it was always the same response from them when they weren’t interested- I like you but I don’t want to risk our friendship. I really just want to be friends. I’m not ready for a relationship, can we just be friends?

To you that translated as, you’re not good enough for me.

You were a fool for ever getting your hopes up- for ever thinking that someone like Luke could actually be interested in someone like you.

You took the coffee and tried not to meet his eager gaze.

“Don’t worry about it,” is all you could manage to croak out.

Luke could sense the shift in your tone. “I really am sorry,” he said.

But you shook your head, and feigned your best smile. You backed away from him, not wanting him to see the glistening tears evident in your eyes.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, your mind was screaming at you. “It’s fine,” you said instead, your voice cracking slightly just as you turned to leave the hotel lobby.

…

Luke knew he had fucked up.

The peace offering that he had made was nothing short of a disaster, and now he’d have to come up with another way to make up for what he’d done.

That much was obvious as he was left standing alone in the hotel lobby, gazing at the doors you’d just walked out of.

...

Three days later, on the jet ride home, Luke could barely get you to even look at him. Not that he had made much of an effort, but still. He wanted to give you space. Hadn’t he done enough damage already?

He knew he’d have to think of a way to talk to you about what had happened. Maybe if he just explained himself, you’d understand.

But how was he supposed to talk to you when you wouldn’t even look at him?

He finally got his chance when the jet landed and the team was back at the BAU. He found you at your desk, hunched over a stack of paperwork. Rossi, JJ, Tara, and Spencer had already left for the night. Matt was gathering his belongings from his desk and heading out the door, meanwhile Emily was barricaded in her office with the door shut. If Luke was ever going to get a minute alone with you- it was now.

He shuffled cautiously over towards your desk. You gave him no indication that you’d heard him at all, but nonetheless, he cleared his throat before getting too close. He didn’t want to startle you.

You didn’t even look up from what you’re writing.

“Hey,” he said. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“I can’t right now,” your tone is flat.“I have this whole stack I need to do before tomorrow.”

Luke felt frustrated and dismissed, but he bit his tongue. Instead of pushing, he grabbed half the stack of paperwork from atop your desk and took it back to his own desk. Before you could protest or argue, he sat down and flipped open the first file, ready to work.

…

The entire floor was eerily quiet. Besides the occasional clicking of keys and scratching of a pen, you and Luke worked in complete silence.

You felt bad. You really didn’t have to finish all of this paperwork by tomorrow. That was just your excuse to avoid talking with Luke. But now, it was almost 1 AM and you were nearly finished with it all.

You heard his pen click and you knew that was his indicator that he was done with his stack. Your heart clenched in your chest anxiously. You heard him approach your desk. There was a sudden thump when he threw the stack back where he found it.

“There,” he announces. “Can we talk now?”

The man was persistent.

You set your pen down lightly and sighed. Admitting defeat, you nodded.

Luke pulled Spencer’s chair out from his desk, which was right next to yours. He scooted it closer to you.

Your gaze remained hyper focused on your hands, which were cupped and laid neatly in your lap. Luke ducked his head down, trying to catch your eyes. Begrudgingly, you looked up and made eye contact with him.

“Listen,” his voice was soft, “I am really sorry for kissing you the other night.”

You groaned frustratedly. “Will you stop apologizing?” you finally said. “I get it, you didn’t want to kiss me. It’s fine- But I don’t need this- this pity.”

Luke instantly looked taken aback by your frustration, but it was the most you’ve said to him in the last three days, so he took it all in. As your words played back in his mind, he frowned. “I never said I didn’t want to kiss you.”

“Well- whatever you did or didn’t say, I get it, okay? I get that it was a mistake and it didn’t mean anything. It’s fine.”

But Luke continued shaking his head. “I never said any of that-” he protested.

You remained quiet, but he continued. “I never said any of that. Is that how you feel about it?” he asked, hands clasped tightly together.

You shrugged. Your cheeks felt hot- you were insecure with Luke’s eyes trained so intently on you. You wished you could just forget this whole thing happened, wished you could just disappear. But Luke kept pushing.

“Is that how you feel?” he repeated. There was a brief pause. “Because that’s not how I feel,” he said. “I don’t regret kissing you. I like you and I wanted to do it. And I thought you wanted to, too. If I had known you didn’t- I never would have done it. I regret making you uncomfortable, and I regret making things awkward between us, but I don’t regret the kiss.”

Luke’s words swam around in your head, but they were a jumbled mess. You tried to piece them together slowly, in order to process what he was saying. Did he just say he liked you?

There was a part of you that felt like this whole thing had just been a cruel joke. But yet, here he was- sitting in front of you with the most sincere eyes you’d ever seen, and suddenly, you started to wonder if maybe this was real. Maybe, for God-only-knows what reason, Luke actually had feelings for you- was actually attracted to you.

“You like me?” you asked, your voice low.

Luke laughed- like actually laughed- and when you looked up at him, his eyes were squinting as his lips were curled into a wide grin. “Uh, yeah- I thought I’d made that blatantly clear.”

But you shook your head. “I- I didn’t know..”

“I kissed you-” he said, like it’s obvious.

“I know, but I figured you just wanted to hookup- I didn’t think you actually liked me-”

“But I brought you dinner- and coffee. Did you think I just do that for everyone?”

You remained guarded, because you still couldn’t entirely trust this. “Yeah,” you said. “Kind of, I guess.”

“Okay,” Luke nodded. “Let me spell it out for you then. I like you.” He said each word carefully and slowly. “And I liked kissing you. And I’d really like to date you. And if you don’t feel the same, that’s okay. But I’d still like to be friends, and I’d really like for things not to be awkward at work.”

You stared in awe, not able to believe any of this was really happening. You wanted to ask why. Why did this handsome, kind, honest man like you? What made you even remotely good enough for him?

But you didn’t ask. Because did it matter right now?

“Your turn,” Luke urged. “Since I seem to have such a hard time reading you, can you spell it out for me too?”

You hesitated. You’d never flat out told someone how you felt about them. You were insecure and terrified of rejection. And even though Luke had flat out told you rejection wasn’t a possibility, you were still embarrassed to tell him how you felt. You didn’t like how vulnerable that made you- how open to the hurt that made you.

But Luke’s smile was so reassuring and kind, you tried not to think too much before telling him quietly, “I like you too. I have for a while, actually.”

He chuckled, which you think might just be your new favorite sound. “So why’d you pull away the other night?” he asked longingly. “Why have you been so distant?”

“Because- I didn’t think someone like you would ever be into someone like me.”

The moment the words left your lips, you regretted it. And when Luke’s face contorted into a look of confusion, and then hurt, you regretted it even more.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

You fumble with your words, because you weren’t sure how to explain. “I just thought someone like you would be more apt to go after someone that looked more like Tara or JJ or Emily is all.”

“What’s the common denominator there? Because Tara, JJ, and Emily look nothing alike-”

“You know what I mean,” you protested. “I thought someone like you would be more apt to go for someone-” you paused before saying the word, “someone skinnier than- well... me.”

Luke’s face fell, but you laughed it off nervously. “Just makes me wonder why, is all,” you said.

“I like you-” he assured you. “I like you because you’re smart and you’re thoughtful.”

Luke’s managed to scoot his chair increasingly closer to you without you noticing. When you looked down, you realized that your knees were practically touching. The first thing that ran through your mind is, oh my God, your thighs are bigger than his. But you shook the thought away. You weren’t going to let that voice ruin this- not again.

“You’re intuitive- the best profiler.”

The way Luke was looking at you made everything else melt away. All you saw was him and those unimaginably warm eyes.

“You’re kind and generous and you make me laugh,” he paused. “You’re beautiful.”

You remembered how soft his lips felt against yours when you kissed days ago, and all you wanted was to taste him again.

Thankfully, you didn’t have to wait long for your wish to come true. Luke leaned in, closing the gap between you two. Just when he was only inches from your face, he grinned. “I could keep going, you know?”

You ignored him and his cheeky grin and instead you leaned forward, and without thinking, cupped his face between your hands and pulled him closer.

His lips were exactly as you remembered, soft and smooth and all-encompassing. Luke’s hand landed just above your knee and when you started to wonder whether or not your leg felt fat underneath his touch, you were able to silence it. Who the hell cares? Certainly not Luke, that much you were learning quickly. In fact, you wondered if maybe he even liked it. The thought passed quickly, and you were able to focus on the man in front of you instead- the one who was quickly claiming you as his own. The one you deserved.

#luke alvez imagine #luke alvez #luke alvez x reader #luke alvez x reader fic #luke alvez fic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds x reader #luke alvez x reader fanfic #luke alvez x reader imagine

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vorenado-m · 7 months ago

Text

happy disability pride month! please consider helping me take back my life as a disabled person!

the TL;DR is that for the last 3 months i have had an absolutely soul-sucking miserable minimum wage retail job that, due to the way scheduling works (and the app being broken as fuck) has prevented me from having access to literally any of the life-saving mental health/medical care i need as a disabled person.

my disability is best managed through a combination of medication, therapy, and casework-- not a single one of which i have had since march! :) contextually, up until i got this job, i took three daily medications and had casework once a week and therapy once or sometimes twice a week. these services are offered at an affordable cost to me through a local organization that is threatening to close my case due to lack of participation.

ill make another, more detailed post later with some of the services i can offer for money (i draw! i code! i write!) but until then here is a code you can scan if you have a few dollars to spare:

there are more details beneath the cut (idk about you guys but im kinda nosy so i wrote some more stuff in case anyone else is also nosy) but thats the gist of it. you can also always ask for details. i dont have a therapist right now so it might feel good to say things.

my plan is as follows: i would like to take the month of july more or less "off" from work to get my affairs in order, starting with scheduling appointments for therapy and casework and getting back on my meds. i am actively looking for a job, but i would like the ability to be somewhat picky instead of applying everywhere i think might have me for the sake of having money coming in to pay rent.

for the last two years i have made less than $800/mo and i can survive on roughly $600-$650 a month. my july rent ($550) is paid and my august rent (at least $500) is most likely also squared away, through a combination of some cash i was hoarding, a previous donation, my last expected paychecks from my current job, and my brother generously offering to cover whatever is left over. the extra $100ish is for roughly a months supply of the food that is part of my daily routine that i get cranky without (i have tea every morning, for instance.)

i have a fantastic roommate who is not struggling as much financially who will do everything in her power to make sure i have access to staple foods (rice, eggs, etc) so i really just need to buy the things only i consume (kimchi, milk, etc.) there is a food bank i go to, so i am not worried about food, but i can only go to it once per month. we have a barter system where i trade her the things i dont want from the food bank and she buys me things i will eat; alternatively, i sometimes give her things i get from the food bank (eg meat) that she turns into meals for both of us.

i live independently/"alone" with roommates and do not have support from my family pretty much at all. they have never been particularly useful for emotional support and have openly denied me financial support since i was a teenager. moving in with them/getting help from them/talking to them is not an option.

i have emailed my caseworker at the mental health organization i work with as well as my caseworker with the disability vocational program i work with to help me find a new job that is "back of house" and requires less customer interaction. i did this over the weekend, so i expect to hear back from them sometime this week. in the meantime, i am searching for jobs on my own in places like indeed, jobhat, careerbuilder, etc. as well as checking company websites of places like chain grocery stores to see what is available in my area.

my job pool is a bit limited due to the fact that i cannot drive (due to both my disability and the medication im supposed to be taking for it) but i am very well-versed at taking the bus, which is free. getting to and from work is not a concern for me; it is being able to do the job without being driven to the edge of a mental breakdown that is the problem.

the disability vocational program is my ticket out of poverty! last month i had a follow-up evaluation (i had to call out of work for it, but frankly i was at the end of my rope then too) where they approved my career goals as a web developer and we are in the process of deciding what my next steps are! the program will likely (depending on what route i take) help pay for vocational training, too, but i obviously have to pay rent while in training. which i think i can do if i have a job that doesnt make me want to die.

i have some other things that make my life a bit harder (im mixed race, i am nonbinary + gay, etc) but i would say those things dont really impact my ability to get a job as much as the disability does LOL which is why i did not feature them prominently in this post. like, the reason i cant get a job isnt because people dont want to hire me because i have blue hair and pronouns, its because im obviously disabled.

if you have any other questions, no matter how intrusive you think they might be, feel free to send a DM or an ask, and i will try to answer.

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doraambrose · 8 months ago

Note

When it comes to the Victim Blaming Grief coping one of the big things that makes it an issue is that he actually did it to Jason's face (in Hush as it was retconned to be Jason he said that too).

And, when Jason comes back it stops being grief for the dead, it becomes grief for the wounded. And people victim blame people who were hurt too. This is how they cope, however this coping mechanism always hurts the victim and is a genuinely bad coping mechanism that shouldn't be used. It's harmful. It's harmful to the victim and it is harmful for the other people who might be grieving. It's probably one of the most selfish coping mechanisms.

I've experienced people using this method in real life and it's rough. And it's toxic. Saying you can't criticize the way someone grieves is flawed because you are rarely the only one grieving and I personally have been harmed during a period of shared grief. And I am sure other people have been too because grief brings out the bad in people but that doesn't mean all is forgiven.

Like, imagine if Jason was just comatose and all the victim blaming happened and then Jason just woke up and found out all Bruce had been saying about him? Would Jason's feelings be justified then?

Also, saying the deceased person doesn't matter when they die disregards a lot of religious and spiritual beliefs around honoring the dead.

I feel like Jason is as justified as any other person harmed when someone copes with toxic way in being upset. Jason's death is also a traumatic thing that happened to him. Centering Bruce's feelings while disregarding Jason's as unjustified doesn't feel fair. Especially considering the incident where Bruce took Jason to Ethiopia to try to trigger Jason's memories of what brought him back without his consent.

(Sorry if this was a bit much, I've experienced a decent amount of the bad sides of grief in my life and feel strongly about it)

Okay, so I feel like I need to re answer my previous post because I was struggling to find the right words and also at work, but I think I've figured it out.

One thing to keep in mind is when we talk about feelings, grief, and emotions, there's not a set right or wrong. I also mentioned that I don't like the word justified in this case because it sounds like right or wrong. I did use it at the end, but I'll get into that here. This is a very gray area subject matter and that makes it tricky and you're never gonna find an answer that everyone agrees with because it's not really as fact based as if I said "batman wears a cape sometimes" or "dick grayson is nightwing".

The first thing that comes to mind for me is what my therapist tells me when I feel guilt over feelings. She would tell me "anything you're feeling is valid, you're allowed to be upset, angry, sad, jealous, etc. It's how you act on those feelings.. something I can't remember atm lol". So when I say jason isn't justified, I'm saying that he's allowed to be upset and angry and his feelings are valid, it's not right to actively take it out on the family and hold it against them and be sort of malicious or harmful. And i know theyve done that plus some towards him, but its important to remember that you can only control your own actions and even if someone is being toxic and harmful, that doesnt mean you should too. I think I didn't explain that right and there was some miscommunication. I also wanted to explain why I felt that jason would be angry.

As for this comment, both of these asks were right. Grief can be harmful and toxic. And before I say what I'm going to say next, keep in mind that I'm discussing grief alone and not any of the stuff post utrh that Bruce has done to jason that's harmful and abusive. This toxic kind of grief doesn't make the person a bad person. They can't help it. It's your brain going crazy to try and cope with something traumatic. When my dog died, I wanted to sue my vet, even though they didn't really so anything wrong. It's easier to have someone in front of you to blame. I'm not saying it's right or okay, but it does happen and it can be harmful, but you're not a bad person for it. (In Bruce's case, he's a bad person for all the other shit he's pulled outside of this)

I think these two asks are like at the opposite ends of this topic and I think it's something that you can meet in the middle with. So basically

Yes, grief can be toxic and harmful, but it's also very much a subconscious phenomenon and it's extremely personal and different for everyone and alot of times, people are unaware of what they're doing.

Because of that, jason can be hurt by it, he can be angry,etc. His feelings are valid, But it's not fair to activey hold that over Bruce forever, which he doesn't, this seems more like a fanon thing btw. But it also doesn't hurt to apologize afterwards.

I think when you say that the idea of not critiquing the way someone grieves is flawed, it comes off as unempathetic. Because as someone who has had to grieve alot of the past few years, it's the worst feeling. And your brain is literally scrambling to cope with it so you don't actively lose your shit and sometimes it ends up with some unhealthy Coping mechanisms. And you're usually unaware of what you're doing. I feel like you're not thinking of how the other person is feeling or what they're going through. And fair is fair, they need to see what you're feeling too and actively try to remedy things at some point, there just needs to be more patience and empathy all around and trying to remember that this person is not always intentionally being malicious.

I'm a religious person. So I see where youre coming from, but nobody said the deceased doesn't matter. I think the point was more that you don't have to worry as much about how that person is feeling or thinking because they've moved on to a better place, you should focus on self care and doing what's best for your mental health.

I am also 100% not trying to center around Bruce's feelings and discredit jasons, in fact, the last post was 100% about jasons feelings.

In summary, there's not "justified" or "right" or "wrong". It's super complicated, varies from person to person, and is a tricky subject matter. Everyone's feelings are valid and there definitely needs to be more empathy and patience on all sides, but there are still actions that have been made on both sides that aren't the best and can be hurtful or toxic. I hope this all makes sense and I worded it right :)

#batfam #dc comics #jason todd #red hood #batman #dc universe #dcu #bruce wayne #dick grayson #nightwing

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dr-spencer-reids-queen · 8 months ago

Text

Reckoner: Part Three

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.9k

Summary: Your world is turned upside down when you get in trouble for something you didn't even do. The entire team is in uproar over this but Hotch says he will take care of it. Can he? Or are you doomed to live out the rest of your days in misery?

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

The next day, Allison and her father showed up to Long Island to talk to Detective Gil and the team. Drew talked to his ex-wife as soon as he landed on Long Island so he's aware of what's actually going on. By the time he gets to the police department, he's not too happy.

"I spoke to Heather as soon as we landed. I knew for a long time something was off, but this—Why didn't you tell me?" Drew asks his daughter who has been silent the entire time.

"Mr. Sandweiss, Allison is the victim here," JJ says.

"I just want to know the truth from her, for once."

"I told you, I don't know what they're talking about."

Emily and JJ look at each other with the same look because they are thinking the same thing: She would open up more if you were here.

"Allison, we have the pictures your stepfather took of you."

Maybe it's Emily's gentle tone because she looks down at her lap in shame.

"He was always home before mom. We just talked at first."

"Why didn't you tell your mom?"

"I knew she'd tell Dad, and he always said he'd kill anyone who laid a hand on me," she sighs shakily.

"Did he?" Drew asks.

She nods and Drew has to remember where he is. It's not a good idea to punch the wall in anger in a police station.

"Allison, did you ever tell anyone about what your stepfather was doing?" JJ asks.

"I told my therapist. He said I act out because I crave attention. I'm so sorry, Daddy," she cries.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

He sits next to her and pulls her to his side.

"We need the name of your therapist."

"Jerry Sorum."

Derek immediately has him come in for questioning that he's super nervous about. It's normal to be nervous in the presence of authority, but Derek doesn't know if it's excessive or not.

"Am I a suspect?" Jerry asks when he's placed in the interrogation room.

"Not yet, Mr. Sorum. What is your professional opinion of Allison?" Derek asks.

"You mean was she sexually abused by her stepfather? No question."

"Did you report it?"

"Of course."

"To the police?"

"Absolutely."

"How far did they take it?"

"They had it reviewed by the state."

"Did the police interview her?"

"They came to my office," Jerry sighs. "Allison wanted nothing to do with it. Case closed. Just like the 380,000 cases of child abuse reported in this country each year. Less than one percent gets to trial."

"Does that make you want to even the odds?" Derek asks accusingly.

"Every time I listen to a child vividly recount the most horrific acts of abuse done at the hands of a father, an uncle, or someone they're supposed to trust... It's all I can do not to break down, but that's all I'm capable of. After that, like you, I trust in the justice system."

Some justice system. Not only does it not protect people like how they're supposed to, it doesn't look at the facts of a case. Police see one thing and assume something else. If both of those things have something in common, then they must be connected. Instead of looking at the facts and asking What If instead of having tunnel vision, then you wouldn't be here.

The door to the interrogation room opens and you look up from the spot on the desk you've been picking at.

"Your lawyer is on his way over here."

"I want my phone call."

The officer sighs and uncuffs you from the table so that you can use their wall phone dedicated to people and their one phone call. The one person you want to call is Spencer to tell him you're okay but you end up calling your father. He's more likely to get shit done if he knows his daughter is in trouble.

He answers on the first ring.

"Hey, baby girl."

"Daddy? I'm in big trouble here. I've been arrested."

"What? What happened?"

"They're saying I'm responsible for the murder of seven people. Dad, I'm scared. I didn't kill anyone." You make sure to keep your voice low. "You gotta come here and help me."

"Don't you worry, baby. I'm actually in your area for business right now. Where are you?"

"Virginia Police Department. The one by the beach by the BAU. I don't have my phone so I can't send you the address."

"I know where it is. Don't worry, sweetheart. Daddy will take care of it."

You hang up the phone and are escorted back into the interrogation room. You're only in there for five minutes before the door opens again. This time, the arresting officer walks in with your dad.

"Dad!" you gasp. You want to get up and hug him but you're handcuffed to the table. The officer only allows him to stay in here alone because the mirror in the room is two-way glass so they will be watching you very carefully. "When you said you were in the area, I didn't think you were right down the road."

"I came as fast as I could. I couldn't believe my ears. You're framed for murder?"

"I don't know the details. Greg is coming down to help me."

"Greg, our lawyer?"

"Yeah. You and Mom use him all the time for your adoptions."

"No, you can't use him."

"Why not?"

"He's not that kind of lawyer. I mean, he doesn't deal with murder cases and isn't a defense lawyer. He's more of a mediator. Plus, he's already on another case. I called him earlier."

"I don't know anyone else. What am I going to do?"

"Don't worry. I told you I would take care of it. I know someone else who is just as good."

You have no choice but to listen to what he has to say. An officer escorts him out of the room so you're all alone again, and you go back to picking at the end of the table.

You're in the mind of everyone on the team but they still have a job to do even if they don't like prioritizing this over helping you. Rossi talked to one of his contacts who just so happened to be a mobster back in the day. He's in the criminal enterprise that is being threatened to shut down since the FBI is closing in on him, which is why he's lying low. If a hitman is killing people, then Ray Finnegan might know something about it.

Ray took one look at Ben's crime scene photos and knew the guy who's been doing this. His name is Bosola and he's been operating for twenty years. Most people know him to be a ghost because he's that hard to find. He promised to bring in Bosola so that the FBI could apprehend him, but they have to hide out in secret before they can go in. If Bosola knows the FBI is waiting outside then he might not show.

Rossi and Hotch are in one car and Emily and Derek are in another down the block. There is also another car with two unknown agents near the car Hotch and Rossi are in. There are also plenty of officers in undercover cars spread out up and down the block. Penelope and Spencer are tuned into comms just in case the team needs their help.

"When he dims the lights, we go in," Rossi says to everyone over ear comms, and he turns to look at Hotch. "No bullshit. What's going to happen to Y/N?"

"I honestly don't know. I tried talking to the Captain, and from what I gathered, all the murder weapons are from her apartment, and her DNA was found on all seven victims."

"Did she know them?"

"No. She's never met them in her life. I believe her, but we all know what happens when the facts line up."

Spencer hears Rossi and Hotch talking and grows quiet. Penelope looks at him to see tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

"How's Reid taking it?"

"About as well as you'd think."

"I saw Prentiss and Morgan up the block, but the two agents in the sedan are not with us."

"I know. They're the counter surveillance in case Foyet is watching me. For which, apparently, there's no more money."

"Yeah, I heard."

"Did somebody call you?" Hotch asks.

"They're concerned."

"What did you say?"

"What I'm telling you. An attack against you is an attack against all of us. Just like with Y/N. When we're done here, we'll focus on her." Rossi's phone rings and he frowns when he sees Ray is calling. "Why are you calling? Are you okay?"

"I hope you got some good guys out there. This man is a mean son of a bitch."

"We're all over. He's not gonna know what hit him."

"Hey, that smart kid you mentioned earlier... I could use a little help," Ray says and looks at his crossword puzzle.

"Reid?"

"Yeah?"

His voice sounds so small that it breaks Derek's heart.

"Crossword question. Ten letters. Crater creator," Ray says.

"Crater creator?"

Penelope looks over at him to see not an ounce of concentration on his face. He's not even trying.

"Arctangent," she answers.

"Did you get that?" Rossi asks.

"Damn, she's smart."

Ray hangs up the phone and Rossi looks at the restaurant in thought. There is a flash so quick that Rossi didn't think it happened. He looks at Hotch who doesn't look like he saw it.

"Did you see that flash?"

Once again, the flash happened but it's more prominent.

"I saw that. He's already in there. All units, go, go, go!"

Everyone who is staking out the restaurant leaps out of their cars and rushes inside the restaurant but it's too late. Ray is slouched over in his chair with two bullet wounds on his body. One in the heart, one in the head. Bosola was here, lying in wait. Derek takes a car and canvasses the area in case Bosola stuck around to see the aftermath. CSIs come in, Long Island officers come in, and just about everyone else who is available to work the case.

"We had the streets, the building, and even the damn roof covered. How the hell did he get through us?" Rossi asks.

"Garcia traced Ray's phone calls. He made one at 4:38 p.m. to a pre-paid cell and another one to you at 11:41 p.m.," Emily says.

"We gave Bosola seven hours to prepare. I think he was here before we arrived."

"He heard Ray call me. This is all my fault," Rossi sighs.

"Now he knows we're onto him."

"He's not the only one. Whoever he works for does, too."

Now that the team knows who the unsub is and what kind of killer he is, it's time to give the profile.

"Each mutilation represents the crimes the unsubs believe these three individuals committed. There are two unsubs who are both male. Unsub 'A' is 'The Planner'. He works in the criminal justice system. We're looking at both defense and prosecution attorneys, judges, and even cops. We believe that The Planner has experienced a devastating personal tragedy of some sort, and because of the sophisticated nature of the scenario, we believe unsub "A" is in his late fifties or sixties," Hotch starts it off.

"The Planner likely met unsub 'B' or 'the enforcer' within the court system. He's been hired to carry out justice. Now, this type of justice does not come cheap. So, The Planner has access to substantial cash."

"Absolutely no attempt was made to hide the mutilation. This suggests The Planner either doesn't care what we find or he wants us to find it. Now, The Enforcer, on the other hand, has no such intentions. He should be considered armed and extremely dangerous."

"Thank you," Rossi concludes.

"Alright, let's go people," Detective Gil says.

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds angst #criminal minds series rewrite #criminal minds season 5

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mcytcontent · 10 months ago

Text

Hello.

This is my personal analysis of the recent situation about Wilbur Soot and Shelby Shubble. (I don’t want anyone to go to extremes and insult any of the streamers/youtubers)

I tried to stay as neutral as possible to write this analysis.

I also want to say that I have been following Wilbur for a long time (4 years) and in this situation I already have the right to my word. (After one comment. I follow Wilbur 4 years, not watching)

Tumblr has a limit on photos, so I divided it into parts.

I am not dependent on Wilbur, but I support him. I'm not a big fan of him at all. I stopped watching all MCYT for 2 years after the death of Technoblade, and before that I didn’t really watch Wilbur a lot.

(1/4) over parts on my profile

First I want to attach my time calendar that I made to highlight important moments for 2021-2024

Let's start from the very beginning, namely with Shelby's stream about her experience in an abusive relationship.

Immediately after the rumors began to spread, Shelby decided to delete this stream. You won't be able to find it on her Twitch channel. But fortunately or unfortunately you can view his recording on YouTube (This video has been blocked or made restricted. Unfortunately, I didn’t find another neutral recording without any additional information from the author of the video, but you can watch the stream using another link, but I want to warn you that the subsequent indications of the time of this stream in my post are the same as the original Shelby stream and not this one from YouTube.)

First we will start with the inconsistencies in the Shubble story from this stream.

I keep trying, and it's unfortunate that a lot of my dating history there were a lot of bad people that tried to manipulate or control me, but that's not to say that every person that I've dated has treated me poorly, some people just weren't the right. (3:59-4:19)

‌I never thought that I could be the kind of person to end up in a situation like I did. I never thought that could happen to me and so, for me this is important, because it could help anybody else see the signs sooner than I did. (4:40-4:55)

‌ I just thought I was so much smarter. I was like if someone ever laid their hands on me I'd leave immediately, it would never happen a second time, but it just kind of happened so slowly over time, and got worse and worse until the point where there's no way to deny, the fact that he was hurting me and he knew, and didn't care...» (30:52- •••)

The inconsistency in this case is that Shelby at the very beginning said that she had quite a large number of people who used her, but in the end she said that she did not think that she would be used a second time.

Speaking out about my bad experiences has never felt as important as it does right now, because silence has always brought me peace, and this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace. (4:21-4:39)

Shelby has had a lot of bad people in her life. At the beginning of the stream, she said that she really likes to share her experience, but she decided to talk about abusive relationships only now. She rarely talked about other relationships, the only thing we know from her past relationships is that her first boyfriend raped her and she dated some youtuber/streamer guys.

It took me 10 months after to heal. I spoke with multiple therapists and tried different forms of therapy. I tried sematic therapy, that one was actually really good for me. That one actually helped me release a lot of um builtup anger I was having over the last year. (5:40-6:06)

How come Shelby was in therapy and said the name wrong? Shelby said that she went to Sematic Therapy, although there is only Somatic Therapy, and Somatic Therapy is aimed at processing the reaction to fear attacks and removing them, and not at releasing anger.

Somatic trauma therapy — a psychotherapeutic approach to working with symptoms and conditions such as attacks of fear (“panic attacks”), acute reactions of grief, loss, and post-traumatic reactions (PTSD). The primary goal of SE is to modify the stress response associated with trauma through bottom-up processing.

But the most important thing is why Shelby went to different therapies, why didn’t she settle on one specific one that helped her. There may be several options, but the most possible is that Shelby was not helped by the therapies she went to.

I shared my story with a lot of friends after I started talking to therapists. (6:25-6:30)

‌I was so mad at myself, because I was lying to a certain point to protect this person, because I knew that if I told my friends the truth it make him look really bad. (7:16-7:28)

‌«... and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying and it wasn't fine, because I would go home later and I tell him how uncomfortable I was...» (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌I have though caught him in lies before, but usually it was small stuff, and I again, I didn't want to it wasn't anything that ever seemed worth rocking the boat over, which isn't normal for me, I hate lies. (16:44-16:58)

‌I ended up lying for him, but he had lied about big things and he had also been caught lying by his friends numerous times, so this is something that he feels is acceptable to do. (16:59-17:11)

‌I abandoned my personal morals, neglected friends and lied for this person.

Shelby first says that she told the whole story to her friends while she was in therapy, but then she herself says that she lied during the story to protect Wilbur. And then she claims that she went against her principles because she hates lying.

She later says that Wilbur always lied about small things, but then refutes this by saying that he lied about more important things.

He always cared more about how it looked and that was really important not what was true and it was really subtle. (7:37-7:48)

Wilbur never hid his inclinations, people just romanticized him too much because he was handsome and a musician.

When I hear about physical abuse I think of hitting and punching, so I thought that this wasn't violent enough. (7:54-8:05)

‌He's not hitting me and it didn't start as something that he did to hurt me that he did to hurt me, he had this habit of biting, which is so weird to me now, but he said that he had this habit since he was a kid and even his mom said that was true and he said it was just affectionate and that might have been. I mean, I think that might have been true maybe at the start, but I also feel that I have good reason to believe that every part of it was a lie but that's just my personal opinion. (8:16-8:46)

‌I had no problem with just biting, that isn't even the most uncommon thing, but he did mention something early that I should have taken as a red flag, and he wanted to make sure that I was okay with him biting me because he didn't want me to come back later and say that he abused me, which I thought was really weird, considering he had never hurt me before and so why would I call it abuse and why was he thinking about that. (8:47-9:16)

Physical abuse — the use of physical force and violence, beatings, assault with the aim of subordinating the behavior of the victim, fulfilling the demands of the aggressor.

Daknomania (from ancient Greek δάκνω - to bite, μανία - attraction, passion, madness) is a tendency to bite others and oneself. Over time, due to imperative (verbal) hallucinations, as well as Kandinsky-Clerambault syndrome, it can transform into an impulsive and also violent tendency.

According to psychotherapist Andrei Khavanov, the desire to bite, pinch, beat a person for whom there is an acute attack of love is widespread and seems to depend little on the cultural context. This phenomenon is called cute aggression.

«He disguised it as this really quirky part of our relationship and was so comfortable sharing it with his friends, to the point that he would do it in front of them, he thought it was this really funny story to tell and a good bit to take my arm and bite me in front of everybody until I literally shout in pain and then I have to laugh it off because I'm so embarrassed and I don't want to cause a scene in front of all of our friends and I'm sure everyone was a little bit uncomfortable, but as long as I was saying that it was fine nobody really felt like they needed to be concerned... » (10:38-•••)

At first Shelby says that Will's friends were there, but then she says that their friends were there.

«... and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying and it wasn't fine, because I would go home later and I tell him how uncomfortable I was, how much I didn't like being hurt all the time and I needed him to really stop biting so hard, I didn't like it and I tried telling him over and over again, he said this is who he is he isn't going to change those. (•••-11:40)

‌I was constantly nauseous gagging daily, on occasion throwing up, because of the pit that was in my stomach, I never told him about that, though I was going and running away quietly to throw up in the toilet and rejoin our group of friends. (13:19-13:34)

‌That's just the kind of thing that I keep repeating to myself when I'm like "But was it bad enough, what it wasn't violent enough", but I was being hurt multiple times every single day for a month at a time in a row at a time in a row, and I'm not even speaking on most...»

‌Entirely why he switched to biting my legs, so no one would think I looked abused. But he continued to hurt me. (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌My issue was not with being bit. It was with being HURT. (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌I loved him and he told me he'd try to stop hurting me.(from Shelby's twitter post)

Shelby herself hid the fact that she was vomiting because of the bites.

Shelby, when she was dating Wilbur, thought that biting wasn't that bad. And if Shelby was against biting, she would not have given him her legs. When you can just grab your arms, you need to stretch out your legs so you can bite. And as Shelby herself said, Will never hit her, but only bit her. Also, Will tried not to bite her as much as he claimed.

Other people with the same problem say that the force of the bite is difficult to control.

This is Google translation since I am not an English speaker and English is not my 2-nd language

In fact, he was telling me the exact opposite every day, he would tell me he still wanted to be together, he wanted to work on all of the problems, he wanted me at the end of everything, he did not want to break up, he made that very clear. (16:27-16:40)

Shelby says that Wilbur changed his mind every day, but she only lists what he said before, and then that he repeated it every time and never changed his mind. Wilbur also did not hide the fact that he had problems, he even promised that he would work on them.

He said that the relationship was starting to feel like a responsibility towards the end. So it wasn't a responsibility the whole rest of the time to him and he was at this point basically flaunting that he would never prioritize me over anything. I wasn't even asking for literally even the bare minimum, I was asking for so little and I was watching him give exactly what I was needing in the relationship all over the place to anybody else who just happened to ask and just wasn't me. (18:39-19:24)

‌He was never going to prioritize me over anything over anything that would give him more fame or money in fact, he said that himself, that was exactly why he was not going to compromise at all for a solution, for us to be together, because he said he wanted to see how much fame and money he could get. (19:30-19:51)

Neglect, neglect; lack of attention to someone or something, lack of proper care for someone or something.

It can also be noted that being on stage was Wilbur’s most cherished desire since childhood and giving up all his dreams for someone is quite stupid (in my opinion (surveys on the Internet also confirm that the majority are of the same opinion)).

I'm good at remembering words and especially his wording I became really good at remembering, because he was constantly contradicting himself. (11:51-11:58)

‌I now struggle with memory problems and extreme anxiety. (from Shelby's twitter post)

Shubble herself said that she has memory problems.

I didn't even want to, because I couldn't even see for such a long time after what it really was that had happened, that he had abused me and in fact we left things, as we want to be friends and he can never imagine not speaking to me again, and then he never spoke to me again outside of like a couple of exchanges where I needed to ask for my clothes to be shipped...»

Abusive relationships — relationships in which a partner violates the personal boundaries of another person, humiliates, and allows cruelty in communication and actions in order to suppress the will of the victim. In this type of relationship, the victim and the aggressor do not change places; the victim, for a number of reasons, cannot leave this relationship.

Shubble said that she and Wilbur no longer communicated or even corresponded. Shelby left Will around the time his concerts started, but she was still in touch with him. For example, her Instagram, December 15, photo with some members of LoveJoy, Quackity was also present in the photo, on the same day there was a Vine stream 22.

From there we can understand that Shelby and Wilbur were still seeing each other -> clip of the song cmwyl February 10, 2023, where Shelby present.

Later, Shelby said on the stream that their relationship ended in January 23, which completely coincides with her story about Wilbur’s trips, and the fact that they could not see each other from several days to a month.

«...I didn't block him till 10 months later because I wanted an open door still, I really thought I wanted to be his friend.

The entire time she was in therapy, she did not block Wilbur, despite the fact that he “abused” her. She also admits that she still considered him her friend.

I stayed locked in a house I had no key for and didn't even try to leave anymore. People ask why we stay, and it's so hard to explain ourselves because we've abandoned all our reasoning. (from Shelby's twitter post)

Shelby, if she wanted, could open the window and escape.

Shelby herself admits that she did not want to leave home. By house, Shubble could mean an apartment. Although this is still strange, since Wilbur, according to her, had ants. This does not happen really much in apartments, and there cannot be 2 or more baths in an apartment. It follows that Wilbur had a house, and if it was a private house, then Shelby could easily climb out of the window if he locked it, or call the police.

In one LoveJoy vlog, Shelby can be heard in the background asking Will for the keys to the house, he gave them to her, which confirms that she did not have keys to the house.

I do believe he was bottling up so many emotions and he would never talk about how he felt, I think he admit that he felt, like, he couldn't say it any sooner, like there was just no possible way to say how he was feeling sooner than the absolute last possible chance like not even a chance. (22:09-22:27)

The template on the stream confirmed that she did not know what Will was thinking, and that he was very good at restraining his emotions.

There was this one time that he pinned me down and asked me to try my absolute hardest to get him off of me and I couldn't do it obviously and he said something to make the point that he was so much stronger than me, that I wouldn't be able to fight him back. (23:25-23:42)

Shelby isn't the only one Wilbur has pushed against the wall. The most famous example is Niki. (I won’t talk about this topic because I don’t know Wilbur and I’m not a psychologist and it’s not for me to judge his actions)

He had stopped giving anything to the relationship and he said that why was, because he was just waiting for things to change on their own. (23:57-24:05)

‌He said he also didn't have the time or energy anyway to do the things that I was asking for, but then would constantly make any bit of time and energy for anybody and anything but me, and he would say he wanted more quality time, so then I would try to arrange things for us to do online, because we were long distance, but then he would complain, he doesn't want to spend all of his time on the computer anymore and then we'd be there in person, and all he wants to do is stay inside, play games on his computer, watch movie, he doesn't want to go out, and I'm not saying any of this next part to be mean. (24:06-24:44)

‌He lived in filth, I've seen filth, this was the worst, he would spill things on the floor and never, literally never, clean them up, he got an ant infestation once and wasn't going to do anything about it, because he said bugs are normal in British houses, so I had to buy ant killer. He wouldn't clean his bathroom for months and months, but would constantly complain about how bad it smelled and I would tell him that's mold. He complained about being tired all the time, too which, I don't know if that was a lie or not, but mold will do that too, but he would insist that it wasn't somehow without having cleaned in months, but it's not mold. (24:45-25:36)

Mild depression is characterized by the presence of several symptoms over several weeks or months. In this case, patients often experience a feeling of fatigue, insomnia, loss of interest in life and activities, bad mood, and decreased self-esteem.

2021, Fundy`s vlog, Wilbur's house - bathroom, 2:49 minutes. From the footage we can see that this is Wilbur's personal bathroom. Only that the window in the next room was broken and a piece of wallpaper in the bathtub itself was torn off.

In 2021, Wilbur also began coming to therapy.

When I met him, he was washing his clothes without detergent, just wasn't using that at all and I don't know for how long before I met him he was just running it with water and then hanging it on his filthy kitchen cabinets, and I felt bad, because I felt like he needed someone to help him learn how to be cleaner, I thought he just didn't know how and I listened to all of the struggles of his upbringing, and I was like, he just doesn't know how, someone just needs to show him. (25:39-26:08)

Negligence — a form of violence when the vital needs of a person that he cannot provide on his own are systematically ignored.

Wilbur also said that when he lived with his father, he slept on the same mattress on the floor with his dog, did not bathe too much and slept in his school uniform.

But not more disrespectful than not even saying my name. I believe I am referred to as "ex girlfriend" so if you don't know who he's talking about, you might not find out what he did.

From the outside it is clear that he does not want to touch on this topic on the entire Internet; if it is discussed, then it should be discussed in person in front of each other. Also, at the beginning of his tweet, he wrote that those who read this probably know that they began to accuse him of abuse. And who could not know about this, if it was literally in the top search results on Twitter for several days. Moreover, this spread so much that even some Chinese began to insult Wilbur without knowing the full situation.

If Wilbur had started addressing Shelby on a first name basis, he would have also been confronted about why he was so careless about her name after all.

Of all the possible options, Shelby chose to make it public that she was abused and gave too obvious hints about this person to the entire Internet. She wanted to take revenge on the man. She clearly said it herself

«...because silence has always brought me peace, and this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace...»

She directly said that she wanted revenge. And in the end she just got hyped, and in 11 days with 967k she got 1m on her YouTube in a 10 year career.

The company that presented the Shubble merch went bankrupt, and as a result, the merch still has not arrived to some people who have already paid for it.

Shelby’s fans also started spamming everywhere so that people would support the YouTuber with subscriptions rather than words.

⬆️ screenshot taken on March 29th. A month ago, Shubble had 469,705 followers.

#wilbur situation #wilbur soot #shelby shubble #analysis #shelby situation

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sulphuricgrin · 2 months ago

Text

Gonna talk about my year and how I think I'm in a more optimistic place compared to last December. Warning: mental health, mentions of self-harm but not elaborating how, mention of previous attempt but not mentioning how. ramblings of a person who wants this outta their head.

i'm bewildered by how I got to where I am now

Let me start off with the fact that September-December 2023 was a low point. Heavy anxiety, long manic episode, taking lots of overtime, being the best in my little department but my manager refusing to do a yearly review, and a relationship I didn't know how to end led to a severe anxiety attack.

I took a month off work to work with my psychiatrist on my medication. Within two hours of my first day back, my coworker triggered my C-PTSD. Unable to flee, can't fight, I do the only thing to control my emotions - self harm. Long story short, HR notices and sends me to the hospital. I'm sent back out of work and start a partial program.

I've done this before in 2011. I do my best at the program, stayed there for a month. We change up my medication. They help me find a therapist for when I finish the program. I had some hang ups with the program. Music therapy would make me want to harm myself. I told my case worker the truth and they told me I can leave those sessions when I want.

I hate positive affirmations. I won't use examples because they're valid to other people and I don't want to be negative to what might help others. To me they always felt hollow, insipid, childish. It never clicked, no matter at what age I tried it.

I've mentioned several times that I like philosophy. During the program, I brought with me Medications by Marcus Aurelius to read during lunch or the few minutes between sessions. Quotes on stoicism became my positive affirmations in sessions.

"The happiness of you life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength."

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

Anyways, I got better, or so I thought. The day I "graduated" as I drove home, my mom told me my dad finally died. That's a complicated situation, with complicated emotions. Anyways, I spiraled. Self-harm and isolation. By the end of the week, I was forced into inpatient.

Inpatient was immensely worthless, except for one bit. My whole ward was shut down because of fucking Covid. So you were stuck in your shared room with your roommate, no sessions, no walking around. Little stimulation. The longest 3 days of my life. I've done inpatient 2 times before, 2012 and 2017 (for suicide attempt then), so I know 72 hrs is the minimum and that as long as I'm not a risk I can leave. Thank fuck my mom was able to give me a philosophy book to read. And that I was able to get access to a pencil that I had to return at the end of the day, so I could draw (and not with crayons). I did start writing for Fate-Touched when I was in the ward.

Anyways, they helped figure out with blood tests that my Tegretol and Seroquel interact. Therefore my Seroquel has to be doubled. And they put me on Gabapentin for anxiety. I can safely say it's helping now a year later, besides upping the dosages about 3 times since. I occasionally see my therapist who's pagan. First therapist I've ever clicked with, one who believes my feelings are valid, one who doesn't think I'll change my mind about children in the future. I'd see her more often if I didn't have to pay out of pocket. But she's noticed my improvement.

a year later, I am single and happier

a year later, I work for myself. While I'm not crazy about that, it's proving to be healthier. (I didn't quit my job. they illegally fired me over my disability. Yes, I've suing)

a year later, I'm back to being creative. Similar to the levels back in 2013 and before. People are even buying my art?!

a year later, I have people I can call friends (I'm genuinely trying not to cry writing this- never mind, I'm crying)

a year later, I'm living more in the present.

it's not all perfect. I try not to think about the near distant future. I try not to think about the existential dread. But I'm trying. And it gets better.

“What we do now echoes in eternity.”

#sulphur rambles #tw self harm #tw mental health #I'm sorry if you actually read this whole thing for nothing #this is stupid #no worries guys #i'm just throwing this to the void to get this off my mind #might delete later

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ukthxbye · 3 months ago

Text

Confession

(new fic from me. Very much wanted to write some solid Sherlolly smut for my friend. I think someone else requested some recently? This is how it is done then. )

He’ll probably not notice.

Molly knows the risk, and how to hurt her own feelings. An old unconscious practice. Akin to the knife’s first slice into a cadaver’s chest. Molly’s therapist told her so, a mundane habit she could do in her sleep.

“I don’t know what you expect. We’ve gone over this and I remind—”

“You’re so good at reminding me… Like I don't know what to do.”

And her therapist would sigh and move on. Talk about her mother or her job or… but no they haven’t talked about her and Sherlock’s past in a long time.

It’s more familiar than what we are now.

Her therapist was clueless Molly, and Sherlock slept together. Any of the times. Dinners. Overnights. Tea and then lunch. More than work and one step ahead even if it feels the same.

“I’ve only got twenty,” he checks his watch. “Actually forty minutes, I’ll be honest. This case needs another intelligent mind. John has none, so you’re it.”

“Always,” she says, her fingers running down the edge of the tie like a stim. Black, dull silk, fine in its quality even if plain. She couldn’t say now why she stole the tie at the moment. It’s end sticking out of a drawer. But it cleared in her head a day ago, an image she can’t push aside.

A breath between them, his squint unyielding.

“That's my tie.”

“Hmm?” He likes me innocent at first.

“Why are you wearing… it.” His voice drops lower, his stare on her chest and she pulls air sharply through her nose to counteract the instant heat and pressure under her sternum. Should’ve skipped breakfast.

“Hmm?” She stares down, shuffling a paper, looking at anything but his eyes. “Oh this. I had a staff meeting, and I needed to look more professional. I saw it there the other day and —”

“No.”

“I’m sorry?” She dares a glance up, swallowing her thickened spit in a slow gulp. Why do I forget his effect every time until it's too late? “What are you—”

“That's not why you wore it.” His voice bounces in her head, direct… with no hint of confusion.

She snickers while her insides contort, knowing it's a game he’ll win. “Contrary to your ego, I do things that have nothing to do with you.”

“But it's… my… tie.” He speaks each word softer than the next as he steps beside her. “And I said nothing other than that, which is true. In fact. But… that’s not a clue. The Molly I know would always ask, not take… like a thief… but that circumstance is irrelevant to the reasoning. Now…” his gloved fingers tap on the table near her hand. “I need you to tell me what it is… you want or … is that the game?”

She shakes her head slightly. “What?”

He sighs out as he flexes his chest, glancing down at the table, “The game… Your game. Please own this… it's much sexier. You’re of like mind, but that means…” his eyes travel up her form and meet her stare, “We must use words. Is that not what we discussed, my darling?”

Blank. Her thoughts slip away with that “my darling” dripping in the sweetness, almost like begging that he whispered in her ear only two days ago… when she stole the tie.

I have two options… keep playing or play with him.

“So what?” Okay so I play.

“So what what?” The tiniest growl under his tone sets her spine alight.

She sniffs and shrugs, looking away at her paperwork. Perfect. “So I stole your tie.” Her index finger and thumb stroke down the tie.

“Yes, we’ve established this… move on.”

“I’m wearing it.” She loosens it at the top. She spies his eyes on her throat.

“Are we in the mood for the obvious?”

“Does it bother you?” She holds his stare. He also likes me like this.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

He flinches, and she smirks.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” She only offers a raised eyebrow.

“Why should I do anything?” he snickers low as he leans back against the counter, folding his leather gloves hands across in front and his face drops back into flat serious. “You made your decisions. You want me to do something about it… but…”

He sighs so faintly, and she matches. So maybe this was silly. It was fun but … is this us?

He leans to her, without a word, and she waits wide eyed as he gets closer, stepping around the counter running his fingers lightly on it. His eyes stay on the tie and she holds her breath, waiting, each scuff of his step ringing in her head.

So much of what she imagines never comes true. Even now, this all seems like a dream. Did she imagine his hands on it this morning as she tied the knot? Yes. God, yes.

His hand brushes her breast as he slides it up the tie and grips, tugging her to him in one hard snatch.

“Tell me what you want with this,” Sherlock says. His eyes betray him, darkened now.

“Beg me,” she says, letting the fire settle in her chest. Her own voice is unfamiliar to her. Low and clear like his.

“Ah… well,” Sherlock says with a click of his tongue, his fingers wrapping the tie around his hand. One turn, then another over his hand. “Let me do what you need… what you want…what fantasy has played in your head…and to this end… please. Rid me of this riddle. Give me the answers.”

She closes her eyes, the heat of his face so near hers now. “I could leave you stiff and cold.” She heard the tremor in her voice, the pressure hard at the back of her neck.

“You can…you have before.”

“I’m glad you remember that.”

“Yes… I remember everything.”

Molly’s memories flash like lightning, dropping into her body, and her eyes flutter closed.

“Tell me what you need… tell me the game.”

She licks her lips meeting his dark gaze. The animal inside him growling under his teeth set, his hum low as he slips his gloved finger down her jaw, gentle and rough in his grip, the leather soft but with pressure. “What… do… you… want?”

“Turn and go into my office and wait. Sit in the chair that is uncomfortable, the old chair you complained about when I made you sit an hour in it… you’ll sit and wait… gotta throw off suspicion…yes?”

“Good girl.” He says low, his fingertips falling from her face, down and across the tie and her breasts, somehow finding her nipple. She stifles a gasp.

And he’s gone, pulling his coat close around him and his steps increasing as she watches him sneak into her office and close the door with no noise.

“That's right… I am. But I’m bored of that.”

His eyes spoke of curiosity before he left her… It looks a lot like lust. She’s always seen that in his drive for answers. Passion in bed is better used in a case, he’d all but said. Others never spotted it, but she did.

But I’ll make him too tired to care about the case. You can thank me later, John.

“You will…” her fingers lightly travelled up the tie to her throat, a glitter painted nail tracing along the collar and he doesn’t blink, “Do exactly what I tell you. I’m gonna take my tie off… oh sorry… your tie.”

He licks his lips, his blue eyes darker, steadily staring at her fingers.

She counts breaths between each pull. 5…4…3…2…1

The tug is unyielding at the nape as she arches it up, throat exposure that shifts him in his seat, mirroring her with his own neck.

The knot slides out, and she grabs both sides. God that pull feels like his hand the other night... But focus…

“I need you to stand.”

He wordlessly complies.

“You will tie me to the chair.”

“We could do this somewhere more enjoyable—”

“Did I say speak?”

He shakes his head. The slight lift at the corner of those perfect lips strikes her core, blood pooling. She knows each tic and gesture like a well-worn textbook. Years and she uses it to her advantage now.

She sits slowly, not releasing his gaze, letting him see down her shirt before she leans back.

“You like it when I tell you what to do? Nod… but if you have any pretty words as you tie, then say them… make me ache if you can.”

“I don’t have to speak… in fact my words are worthless. But my hands do valuable work… and my tongue… if you want them, they will serve you better.”

“Shut up then and get to work.”

His leather hands, like a criminal tying her up, crosses her mind, and tingles in her skin. He’s no angel, as he said before. But serene in his steps behind her taking her arm’s weight into his hand, the leather thumb softly tracing the vein down her wrist, tugging her arms back.

And he binds hard, with speed and she whimpers at the pressure just before dangerous. So precise it almost makes her come.

“Kiss me… my lips, my eyes, and my jaw.”

He lingers his gaze before beginning his set path and she squints at its tenderness. Has she seen it before? Before now, many years ago, his lingering glance, so happy that she’d moved on like he instructed strictly her on the night he left to be “dead”.

But I tired of doing what I was told to…

Everyone told her to never look back, never settle, never sleep in his bed and never think he could…

His lips’ caress so faint, she almost wishes her hands could slap him. He knows, oh he knows, and it's worse.

“Stop being so docile,” she says, irritation creeping into her tone and settling in her tightening chest.

“May I speak?” he says in a low whisper, resonating in her jaw more than her ear.

She nods, and he persists for kisses on the same path before leaning back and securing her stare with his.

“Reverence is not as foreign to me as it would seem. An object of desire before me. A game and a case all her own. So speak.” He pulls in a ragged breath, her eyes falling to his chest, watching it rise and fall before his words snap her attention to his mouth. “Tell me your desires. Your requirements for this sacrament… it is not any less worthy than any other rite.”

Her lungs betray her. But she builds fire from it, “Unbutton my shirt, slowly, and kiss anywhere you want. But only if… you tell me what you are sorry for.”

“Hmm?” A pinch of confusion tightens on his brow.

“Say your apologies.”

“A confession?”

She nods with a heavy breath out her nose, the fantasy now real washing over her. And he blinks slower as his mouth crooks up.

He sneaks a kiss below her jaw and she allows it only because the distinct sound of his glove pulled off and hitting the floor strikes her to her core. Oh god he’s going to do this… all of it I ask. His hand to the buttons of her shirt and she counts each one in her head, mapping his path and the seconds turn into minutes. Her body drops into a state of awareness and surprises her.

Her eyes flutter closed, his breath dancing along her sternum, and his hands plant on the chair’s edges, not touching her thighs but so close she senses their heat. Is he being careful or is he… god just grab me… but no. She rights her mind, reminding this is the fantasy she wants. She says, “Yes, like a confession… if you want to bring religious kink into this.”

A joke to lighten the mood.

He sighs, and she turns her attention to watch his lips as he says with his usual grin. “I can’t argue with its power.”

“Can’t imagine you in church.”

He sighs into her skin and she can’t breathe. Why am I feeling this way now? She’s had sex with him. Though mostly more passionately, fast, or angry. Scratching an itch. But this is like surgery.

“You go to church often?”

“Well, no—”

“Except that night.”

She leans back, and he obliges and mirrors, each looking fully at the other.

His eyes say what he doesn’t. He was there the night she slipped in the church to pray in desperation for his safety. A god she can’t believe in but she needed any help she could get.

“If I could I’d slap you.” It’s worked in the past.

“Oh… but you can’t.”

“Wipe that smile off or you get nothing.”

“My apologies.”

“Then get on your knees.”

She catches the flash of the shape of his cock in his pants as he steps half a step back and falls to his knees before her with a dull thud and a grimace.

“Molly… if I’m allowed, I will confess my sins… while I commit others.”

“As long as you do as I say, absolution is yours.” Her smile grows as she speaks, a new fire building in her core with the words she’d only heard in her head before.

“Beautiful words but…” His darkened stare on her chest and she knows he cheats, counting breaths and rise and fall to know his effect.

“Some things are involuntary, Sherlock. I’m exposed in my office. That's why my heart is up and my breath—”

“OH… of course.”

“Moving on. You’re confessing… not me. I need no forgiveness.”

“Then please forgive me…” he licks the corner of his lip, his gaze straying down. “I forget my place. May I lay kisses on your chest as an offering with my confessions?”

“Yes.”

Her thighs in his hands as he leans over, his hot breath on her skin now so close as his lips caress just below her collarbone. “Forgive me, Molly, I have sinned.”

The kiss moves over to her clavicle and he speaks low into her throat, “I knew of your affections…” Trailing down her sternum and she knows her breath informs him of her want to him. But she can’t control them now. Her arms ache now tied back

“I confess I thought all affection dull… but not yours…” He smiles into the kiss over her heart, the pressure of it and the organ reaching for each other through her sternum.

Wait… what?

But his lips trail over the swell and his nose nuzzles the edge of her bra, the heat of his breath sneaking through the black lace, finding her nipple and she gasp as he says “I confess I saw advantage at first… then it turned to fascination and then guilt… but nothing would rid me of it… not until you let me find my own.”

Get back under control. She lets the images of him breaking because of her wash over and give her ammunition. What could he say now? Was he even serious? She can’t decide if she wants him to be or not, but she’ll test it.

“What is your confession, then…that you loved me all along?” she says with a light snicker. Does he think I’m dumb? Is it to make me feel better?

The air shifts, and she swallows hard as he leans back and lifts his eyes. Their stares meet, his eyes steady where hers search. He licks his lips. “Yes… though I confess I was confused. But genuine confusion never stays long with me.”

Every nerve sends fire to her spine as she sits still in shock… hopes long dead racing through her mind and the look in his eyes… she recalls each memory, each time she said to herself, “no… do not believe.”

She squints, her mouth screwing up. “Then why did—”

“Why did I do anything?” His face lifts, looking to the ceiling as if I appeal to heaven but returns his darken stare to hers. “I’m selfish, Molly. Seeking the ends to the means. I’m ill equipped at human emotion out of the abstract… you deserve more… so much—”

“Shut up.”

And he does, his face falling into a kind of serenity.

She expects him to argue after she says it. It's his favourite defence mechanism she’d indulged until now. It made for some amazing foreplay recently. But he surprises her again as he pulls his lips tight closed and only nods with a slow blink.

“My trousers…” she sighs as his long fingers find the button immediately, and with precision he drags the zipper down. “Prove what I deserve.”

She shivers as his fingers slide inside her waistband, one hand gloved and the other not mixing sensations along her hips. How many times she’d seen those gloves hold evidence. Now tracing the lines of her bones like reading religious text, reverent. Much slower study than the previous times, none of the fervent pawing. Has he had his fill before, so now he’s patient? Her mind settles with his calmness, and she knows what to say.

“Meet it once more, but now worship as it was meant to be… in—OH,” she says soft but yelps out he lifts her, grips her trousers and knickers in one snatch down to her knees and then looks her in the eyes as he pulls the rest of the way down slow and off.

Bit of both then.

She should have more thoughts. This is her fantasy, after all. What a time to tell him what she wants, he so perfectly compliant. The cool air of her office floats across her exposed skin. His hands cover her knees, and he pushes them apart and her breath catches.

“Just touch me,” she blurts out, everything in her core aching.

“I’m but a humble servant…,” he smirks as he says it, but it doesn’t make her want him less. “You must tell me what you desire most of all… what you need… my hands or my lips.” He slips the gloved hand roughly up her thigh, his thumb ghosting the crease of her thigh and her cunt.

“I… your hand first. You can kiss me everywhere else.”

He grabs her bum with his gloved hand, the leather tightening with his grip into her flesh, and she sighs into the building pain. But it only builds her hunger and impassioned fervour overwhelming her and she hears the hitch in his breath, a consecration declaring her power and his want.

His lips and teeth pull at her bra and her nipple slips out with coaxing. His lips and tongue work and she forgets where his hands are until the ungloved one slips up, gripping her rib cage tight as it slips over the other breast.

He moans, sucking her nipple and half her breast into his mouth until she arches, the tie tightening on her wrist and she matches his moan. Her mind clears with the perfect combination. Nothing else in the world but these sensations. Wetness spreads across her hard seat as she shifts. For a moment, the discomfort grounds her in the reality of her fantasy coming true. The smells of chemical mixing with their own scents, and the sterile hospital air.

Spoken low into her chest, his voice and her heart skipping along with the words. “Intercede for me, my beloved Molly. Let your grace pour out for me, but also your mercy. I do not deserve this honour… I denied myself it because of that truth… yet you bless me. Let me bless you too.”

He put his fingers in his mouth, wet them with a glisten and then found her cunt, slipping in with ease as she bites her tongue not to cry out. It wasn’t new to her; she knows the fingers well, but the scene set overwhelming and she slides in the chair to allow him more and the tie pulls on her wrist to a deep ache.

Two fingers in pulling and curving calling her to come as she gasps, a small orgasm pulls from her. God that was fast.

“This is but the beginning of my confession. Let my tongue speak the rest.”

“Oh god—”

The words gone, his kiss on her lips hard, then soft and tongue disorientating her, his gloved hand still kneading her bum and the fingers inside her spread, his thumb finding her clit now.

She sighs and whispers into his mouth, “yes” and he laps it up.

But then he is gone and she can’t catch her breath before he pushes her thighs apart and both hands grip her ass, bringing her to his hungry mouth.

He devours her. The word “fuck” leaves her lips between heaved breaths. The growing ache in her lower belly matching the pull on her arms and shoulder.

Tongue wide laid flat licks up and finds her swollen clit and she cries out, biting her lip to keep from a loud moan.

Between licks, he whispers to her, “I confess I could drink this sacrament forever, drown if it—oh yes it has blessed me.”

His tongue laps more up and she moans her eyes closing in ecstasy. But the air cools and she senses his pause… like asking permission and she glances down to see him looking up in begging reverence. It breaks her and puts her back together.

She sighs through her heightened breath to a shudder. “Drink then, drink your fill if you can.”

“Thank you…oh bless you,” he says, a murmur only as he continues his worship.

He sucks and pulls, consuming all she releases. His tongue playing with her clit with a perfect speed her mind goes deliciously blank. Only the rolling sensation in her body, his touch and mouth and nothing else.

“Drown me, my darling.” His shudder, the pitch rising, and she knows his want, sensing it in her core.

“Like that yes god please yes” she wishes she could pull his hair, but the tug of her requested restriction like reverse psychology and in her frustration her want grows.

The groans come deep from him, echoing into her cunt, and she shudders as he whispers, “I love you.”

And the orgasms wash over her, long sustains and staccato his tongue plays as his fingers enter her again. Playing her like a new piece of music. “My conversion is complete. This religion I only knew in the abstract will now be my only devotion.”

He lifts himself up, his fingers slipping inside her deeper. And he kisses her hard again. She tastes herself mixed with him, a scent mixed with his spicy cologne and she aches clinching his fingers, riding out the last of the climax. He slips out, and she drifts back into reality with her breathing.

He places his forehead against hers. “May I release your bondage now?”

She nods and kisses his cheek, still wet from her. “Only you can… my love.”

They both smile, searching in their stare for ease once again. She sighs as he wraps his arms around and kisses his neck, and he loosens the tie’s hold and rubs her arms, helping her wrap them around him.

He pulls her onto the floor with him, cradling her, and stroking her hair, pulling its sweaty strands of hair away from her neck. She lays her head on his chest, his heart’s thump a comfort. How many times she’d considered when it might stop on her. She’s seen his dead body in her mind and in a lie… and that reality will still happen one day. It's a toss up who’ll be first but she wants the living one as much as possible. Death is inevitable. So is life.

Then let’s live.

“Let me get your clothes and let's go back to… yours? You have the most comfortable bed. No ties to steal,” he says matter-of-factly but with a growing smirk. That snarky boyish charm his face always shows. He’ll always have that and she grins, grabbing his cheeks with both hands and kissing him until he moans in her mouth.

She releases him to admire his soft gaze, the only worship she’ll ever need.

#sherlolly #ukthxbye is ficcing #molly hooper #sherlock holmes #this is how you write smut #nutvember

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