#she reminds me a lot of my own mom
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O1: Ruins
O0: Fallen Down
#part 2 of a phone background set#more info in post 00: fallen down#this one features everyone’s favorite goat mom#I didn’t really think I’d like her#but I really do#she reminded me some of my own mom#this was a common theme#characters in this game reminding me of my family#it really helped me bond with them a lot more#but I’ll talk more about that in my next post#thanks#undertale#undertale fanart#toriel#toriel undertale#toriel fanart#phone background
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guys what if i told you ive been thinking about dess and actually i think dess/chara might be able to work out in the drkau...like ive been doing some thinking into dess and her reasons and why she does what she does and how she cares about people and im starting to nail down the role i want asriel to play, and. and.
guys i think dess is actually going to be able to change. i think dess figures out how to change but asriel never does....
#chatter#its about like. okay azzy's big thing is normality right.#ive decided hes our monster representative for the prophecy#(which i could make a whole post on but these tags are not the place)#which means dess ISNT which means dess isnt stuck by that#which means like. god this needs so much context i dont have time to give but.#in order for asriel to change he has to come to terms w the fact that a lot of things are his fault#like if he had reacted differently dess maybe stays#or at least doesnt take kris with her#and DESS comes to terms w this. dess is aware that she sorta fucked kris's life#and no shes not their mom but she does love them and care for them#and eventually would start to realize like. i have to be there for them#it wont be perfect but i can TRY even if trying is really really scary#and its this idea of like. what dess-chara-kris-frisk have#is family that could NEVER fit into what society sees as 'normal'#but they have each other. and they want to try. so they make something good#vs asriel chasing normality and pushing everyone away and at the end of it all like#that cant make you happy. all it does is make you Alone. and i dont know if he like#changes. cause hes so deep in he cant admit he was wrong cause then what was any of this for?#anyways let me remind you that noelle is our main character--#(though tbf since azzy is her brother and has a huge impact on her life its fair he gets a focus too)#I LOVE MY OWN AU <3#drkau
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this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately
#marzi speaks#I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO EARN GOOD BOY POINTS HOLD ON LET ME. EXPLAIN MYSELF HERE#obvs we're in kinda a tense political climate rn#and i'm noticing trends have been getting . increasingly misogynistic lately?#in like . a subtle but for sure still noticeable way#and women are being dismissed and all this awful shit#and ppl are going. completely mask off about it when the woman happens to be a trans gender#and it reminds me of when i was a little girl. and how my mom spent so much time in my childhood#training me to not stand for and take misogynistic bullshit from anyone. and to defend other women too#she taught me to assert myself in professional or academic environments. she taught me to stand proud and take up physical space#once as a kid my great uncle (who's always been a nut) didn't let me come on a fishing trip because i was a girl#when i came to my mom crying about it because i loved boats and fishing and my family she just about murdered him. completely tore into him#my whole life my mom has been there to tell me that people will try to put me down. they will try to overlook me or dismiss me#or make me feel smaller. and if i dare to get too confident i'll be labeled bossy or a bitch#and that no matter what i do i cannot let those pieces of shit win. i cannot let that stop me#and that i'd have to fight so fucking hard for it my whole life and it won't be fair but i will do it because i have no other option#and i'm seeing a lot of transfems having to navigate that now too#but they didn't get the privilege of being trained in this since day 1. they have to figure it out on their own#and the demonization right now is so strong that a single misstep can be. so dangerous#and it makes me so mad. all of that built up anger from every time i've had to learn how to not take misogynistic bullshit comes to a boil#the little girl scout in my brain who grew up forcing people to see that a girl can do whatever the fuck she wants fuck you is ACTIVE rn#she's angry. she's so angry. because she's seeing the same bullshit she dealt with in middle school being repeated again#anyways. transfems. i love you so much. you deserve so much fucking better.#i hope you can safely advocate for yourself. until then i will fucking yell and scream from the rooftops because this shit is so unfair#you should be allowed to succeed and you should be allowed to fail. and you should be allowed to take up as much goddamn space as you want#and wear whatever the hell you want. transfems i love you and i am so so angry on your behalf. modern feminism has failed you#and i am going to kill someone over it#remember to be loudly and unapologetically yourself as much as you safely can. do not let them crush your spirit
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only need to survive 3 more months and im finally out of this house
#however mom is currently still making everything a hell#aka currently talking about killing the cats because i'm going away for a week in a lil more than a week#and she's just a fricking lot#she loves to talk about how she can never leave the house on her own because she doesn't trust me#or because i do stuff#she can she just wants to make my life worse because she can#all this because she doesn't have a single friend to talk to and if i want to do as much as leave for a few days its hellfire#can't wait to be out of this house#i may not have much money over after paying rent and such but at least ill have some type of freedom#just have to remind myself it'll be worth it in the end
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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#im probably gonna be spending a lot of my life mourning my sisters and my relationship#we were so close but now we dont really talk outside of gatherings#i dunno#we're both living our own lives and it takes two to be distant#theres a lot of things i hate about her and its probably mostly stuff that hits my own insecurities#i used to come to her with all kinds of things#now its like she doesnt respond to my lil reachings out so like i dunno#we work for the same fucking college for fucks sake#im prolly always gonna resent her for applying and moving here without telling me and just having me hear second hand#like yes im not blameless but also like fuck her#i continue to prove i dont need her but also i miss her#we only hurt each other when we do talk#the fact my old coworker reminded me of her so much was probably part of why i hated her so bad#fuck people who think theyre better than me (read people i think are better than me)#my mom called today and thats whats got me thinking like this#im great#people love me#im loved#honestly my familys where i get all my abandonment issues#im better off without all of them but by god if thats gonna stop me from like feeling the ache of their absence like a phantom limb
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Thank you guys for helping make one bad decision ! But I made 2 NFKDBJDBDND
#i had to wait cause a woman needed help finding an album#and I turned around and saw more albums ! so I snoop around#and saw a Monsta album I was really sad of not getting on Christmas#so I couldn’t leave it there before it disapear again you know it contain 3 of my favorite song what did you want me to do ???#2****#IGNORE IT ?!?!?! noooo#my mom reminded me she owns me money so actually feel better about it fkdbjdd#she owns me a lot so I’ll just put it back in the side money !#alex.txt
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Thinking abt band swap Kasumi again. Girlie with Issues <3
#rat rambles#band posting#band swap au#she is so. she is so. <3#gotta love me excusing making toyama mom a backstory so I can include elements of it in band swap kasumi backstory#aka toyama mom's shitty friend who in my canon hcs got arrested ages ago but in the band swap au managed til kasumi was abt 13#and in fact got arrested for attemted murder on kasumi (and asuka sorta)#she was a therapist before and hoo boy was she a bad one#shes been gaslight gakekeep girlbossibg toyama mom for years upon years rip#theyre all doing a lot better now but things obviously arent perfect#but hey kasumi has friends now to thats pretty cool even if one of them is rimi fhjdydh#rimi uh. is a bit of a messy person in this au dhsjgdjdh#shes not a bad person she just has her own issues and has very bad coping mechanisms for them#thinking abt all of them reminds me that I still need to develop saya more#I have like. a basic idea for her. but Im not sure if I like it anymore tbh#but at the same time I dont wanna leave her more so untouched since thatd also make things tricky thanks to rimi#but ya arisa is basically identical to canon arisa to start and she and kasumi meet in a similar way#but yukina is also there and now arisa has two emo kids who keep breaking into her home to fart around#kasumi is still doing kasumi stuff ofc and ends up getting into music basically the same way as canon#but yeah after arisa starts coming to school she pretty quickly gets incorperated with the rest of the friend group minus rimi who still#insists on eating alone and saya and tae both end up getting attached pretty quickly#and they agree to help kasumi practice at arisa's place and arisa is like hey you cant just do that whenever since did we agree on that#smash cut to arisa's place with her showcasing her new keyboard and all that#eventually rimi catches on that theyre all doing this and is like what the fuck tae what are you doing saya why are you performing with#them but still refusing to join kasumi hiiiiiii bestie ^-^ and who the fuck is that blond bitch#tae and saya are both like this is arisa shes ours now can she join the band too#and rimi is like absolutelu the fuck not I will not allow ametures and they like but kasumi. and shes like no thats different.#but then kasumi is like I actually would like arisa to join us if you would be ok with that and rimi is just like. >:/. fine.#and arisa is just sitting there like hey hey I never fucking agreed to this either but its too late shes a part of the band now
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Ughhhhh ever since I woke up from my nap I've been in such a bad mooddddd
#my mom said some absolutely wack shit to me earlier#it's crazy bc I've been defending her to friends and such for months now being like#'oh she's actually not that bad'#turns out she's not that bad when I'm#preforming exactly how she wants me to#sighhh#turns out being scared and traumatized from ongoing medical trauma isn't acceptable for her#which is ok#whatever atleast she acted like a weirdo about it while I have a lot of support from friends and other such loved ones#and not like. days before surgery#or while I'm recovering from surgery etc etc#so now I have ample time to prepare for recovery without her bitch ass#she really sees any member of the family as someone to perpetuate her trauma it's wild#I have no beef with her in the slightest either#ive directed no malice to her or anyone im literally just suffering for my own reasons#the reasons being the fucked up matter of my health and trying to get care#it mainly just sucks bc I let my guard down enough to be like oh she's ok and I don't want to go no contact right when I'm able to#so she reminded me why I still want that lol#it's weird etc etc
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And another thing. I know it’s unpopular right now to criticize individual choices as contributing to waste and pollution and overuse of resources and climate change, etc. But I am going to.
I was brushing up some environmental stats/discussion questions in a kids’ activity packet for work the other day and when I was looking for some up-to-date and sourced things to sub in for what was in there, I found a National Geographic study from I think 2008? (Ironically I don’t have the source available to me right now because I was at work) that found that the average American- based on surveys of regular people on individual consumption, right, not stuff done by American corporations or celebrities- uses between two and twenty times as many material resources in a year than somebody in the rest of the world. Twice as much as someone from France. Twenty times more than somebody from India. There were other countries surveyed and mentioned with numbers between that that were all inarguably developed/industrialized/“first-world” countries.
I saw a post on here this evening that asked “what’s a little luxury you buy when you can? Something a little bit fun or expensive that you just can’t have enough of?” And I was all set to talk about the chai latte concentrate I like to splurge on from Costco which is much more expensive and I go through it more quickly than tea bags but it’s just really delicious. And then OP finished the post with “mine is phone cases.” What????
You’re buying and collecting phone cases? Something you can only use one of at a time? Made of plastic and cheap enough that they’re definitely primarily made by people being paid next to nothing for their labor? Something that is not going to be usable long term because phones do not last more than I suppose several years at best? And that having lots of them doesn’t like convey any sort of utility or advantage because I can think of barely a handful of vague situations where one phone case might have different features from another that makes one more or less convenient in different situations and you might want to switch them out. But only if you couldn’t find or afford a phone case that included all of your desired features at once, which if you’re wasting who knows how much money on “never having enough” phone cases, you could have done.
And like, I don’t know if OP was American. And I know tons of things use plastic and are useless in one way or another but it just struck me as such a specific example of such specifically wasteful behavior like. You don’t need that. Nobody needs that. And there are worse things and more wasteful things and yes corporations are bad and everything else. And I am more environmentally conscious of small things like that than most people I know (and yet I still drive to work every day because the bus would take two hours. Curious I am very intelligent meme etc.) and it’s unrealistic to expect everybody to do everything all the time all of that I know all of that.
But this study had also talked about how Americans, the most wasteful demographic on the literal planet, are also the people a.) most likely to believe that individual choices and consumption do not make an environmental difference, and b.) least likely to feel any guilt over their use of resources.
People who use and waste less than half of the amount of useless junk each of us uses in the US feel more compelled to pay attention to and limit their use of energy and material resources than we do. And not hypothetical billionaires or corporations or whoever. Regular people.
We live on a planet with a lot of finite resources! And we are wasting so many of them on dumb useless bullshit like single-serve individually packaged fucking idk pudding containers or getting a new cell phone every six months or buying your kid a rubber duck or three every time you go to target and a hundred other small things that people in specifically the US just don’t think about and they SHOULD. And I know we can talk about how some people need those single-use plastic squeeze tubes of apple sauce, and I’m sure it’s true. I’m not saying anyone should go around to individuals and question and harass them about their choices. But we should all be thinking way, way more about our own personal choices and the choices made by our families and social circles because the fact remains that 90% of kids would be just fine with a bowl of apple sauce poured from a big glass jar.
#mine#rant#environmental stuff#ughgggghh#I work at an org that specifically teaches recycling and waste reduction to kids (as part of what we do) and my boss came into work a couple#of times last with iced coffee in a disposable plastic cup when SPECIFICALLY one of the lines in our new show is about ‘maybe if I remind#mom that she has a reusable mug she won’t throw away so many coffee cups’#last year our education director got us Xmas gifts which was nice of her but it was a big plastic reusable Starbucks travel cup and it’s#like buddy you see me every day I already own two (ceramic!) travel mugs plus one I borrow from my mom when the dishwasher hasn’t been run#and I need a third for my rotation. I do not need or want this.#and we work! at an org! that promotes environmental consciousness!#and I know that a lot of other people just don’t think to think about stuff like that the way I do I guess? but I also do not understand why#oof#long post#sorry
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its easy to blame mental problems on yourself but the good thing is! it only takes one sentence for my mom to blow up and show me where i got it all =w=b
#its awesome that were all so closely connected by our anger issues <33#obvs not saying its her fault at all. very much not!!!!#but it does always. remind me.#i have a good home life. were all fine. and being a mum must be EXHAUSTING and something that i will never understand.#but its.#i dont know.#sillyposting#its difficult.#i was trying to explain why her saying “ohh did you eat a lot today” to my brother might sound accusatory and bothering. (in more context)#but its IMMEDIATELY taken as my trying to be nosy and butting in. not even one sentence i get to explain.#which. fair. it shouldnt be my business. but were having dinner. were all here. my brother is UPSET aswell (same anger issues <33) so.#i try to calm us all down. but ofcourse its not taken like that.#she always takes it like were all against her.#and to some extend thats right.#me and my brother and my dad often talk over dinner about tech stuff because we all like it.#and often in the middle of it she butts in with “okay enough debate.” while we are. just talking.#albeit indeed passionately.... it still is just a conversation over dinner.#there is my youngest brother but he is very much walking the same path as my other brother and i.#and it must be incredibly isolating to be alone in your own home. to feel so left out.#i do feel bad. it is not her fault. but again.... it explains a lot.#i do wonder how much little me has been affected by it. could things have been different??#i dont want to admit that her worst fear is true but.#i shouldnt say. its not nice.#i wont.#my mom is good. she tries really hard. it very much could have been worse.
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i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much
#marzi speaks#it’s worse with my brother but he’s doing more to actively work on improving that#my dad however has very subtle internalized ableism that i don’t think he recognizes is there#which is. fun#like earlier. either last night or this morning i don’t remember#i was talking to him about how while ideologically i have nothing against accepting needing help and things like that#in practice it’s very challenging to adjust to being disabled even temporarily. and that if i do end up with a diagnosis that’s gonna be#a lot to handle. both mentally and just with the lifestyle changes i’ll have to make#and he makes a bit of a face and goes ‘i wouldn’t quite call you disabled. i’d just say ‘ill’’#and i just sort of look at him. and i blink. and i go ‘i am physically Un-Able to do things i am normally able to do’#‘i can’t walk long distances at all. i can’t sit in chairs for too long without causing pain’#‘i’ve spent the last 24 hours staring longingly at my computer because i want to draw but am currently Not Able To’#he didn’t argue with me but i can tell he was still unnerved by the idea of picturing his daughter as disabled#also like . illness and disability are not mutually exclusive? several disabilities are or involve chronic illness#i shouldn’t be surprised though. i mentioned considering starting lexapro#and he went on his ‘you’re an adult and it’s your choice in the end but i wouldn’t recommend it’ spiel#(he’s anti-psychiatry bc he doesn’t like the idea of breaking the brain down into smth so purely physical)#(and also doesn’t like the idea of someone being dependent on pills their whole life)#(which i’m giving him some slack on rn bc he is a just-got-clean recovering opoid addict. so)#(btw before any of you say SHIT abt my dad he took his pills legally prescribed for chronic pain and did not abuse them)#(and even if he DID that would give nobody a right to make a moral judgement on him. ok cool)#i then reminded him that my mom takes anti-anxiety meds and they really really helped her#and he just goes ‘true.’ and moves on#king u got some shit to unpack#it’s fine if u didn’t want to start antidepressants when it was recommended to you meds aren’t for everyone#but like come on now. u don’t gotta be so fundamentally against it when literally ur own wife who you adore takes psych meds#anywho my mom handled me making the disability comment much better. she was basically just like ‘ur fear is totally understandable’#‘u have a good support system we’ll help you through it’#which. thanks mom 👍 that was very kind of her to say
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Why is O Superman (Laurie Anderson) so incredibly comforting but also I’m sobbing my eyes out at 12am over the line “and when force is gone, there’s always Mom (hi, mom!)”?
#hermit shouts into the void#I guess I’m dropping lore in the tags instead of just adding it to the post#but I had to go no contact with my parents back in October#my wife and I had come out to them as a trans woman and bisexual respectively a year prior#I spent several days arguing over text with my mom#who accused me of lying to her#to my father#to god#to the priest who officiated my wedding#because i didn’t come out before my wedding#to be clear my wife didn’t realize she was trans till almost a year after we were married#she blamed me for my father getting blind drunk and screaming obscenities in the snow in some unfamiliar town when she told him#when I finally saw them both in person a week after initially coming out I was told how I’m delusional#how I’m like the prodigal son who they’re waiting to turn from my evil ways and come home#my mom told me that during the week she wouldn’t speak to me she ‘thought I was cutting her off’ even though she stopped responding to me#she told me that they had considered removing me from their health insurance since they ‘thought I was cutting them off’#but decided not to because ‘they’d never cut me off like that’#I endured a year of being reminded that I was delusional#I heard from friends whose parents were friends with mine how my parents are counting on my marriage failing l#bc I can’t possibly be happy married to a woman (I am)#during 2023 I spent a lot of time unpacking childhood trauma#but that’s a longer story for a different post#I have never sobbed harder than after sending my goodbye message and blocking my parents#having to cut off a family member for your own safety and peace doesn’t erase the love you held for them#I am the same age as my mother was when she had me#I am her eldest living child and was her 5th pregnancy#I look at the picture I have of my parents with me in the hospital and think about a lyric from Stick Season (Noah Kahan) a lot#‘I’ll dream each night of some version of you that I might not have but I did not lose’#and I wish I knew the version of them from that photo#I found out recently that they did end up removing me from their health insurance
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good night
#finally in my own bed . i cried when i got in i msed it so much#this song reminds me of my moms friends we met because she . had monkeys#its been hard doing so much and having to face all the grief and like . reliving a lot of painful stuff#ok i wrote a bunch of stuff here ab my visit but . it feels too perosnal i deleted it all#but imagine#⛄️
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last day in Rome probably ever
#didn’t see the Vatican or statue of David but hey ya win some ya lose some#I still would not be surprised if I get a huge text from my friend after I leave saying that we’re no longer friends#I think I’ve said all of this stuff before#and it wasn’t even that like. I actively wanted to go home and was sad outwardly the whole time#my posts may beg to differ but I think like three days in it became a wanting to go home situation to be away from here#not back to where I wanted to be#I did go to a few churches and those were amazing every time and the one museum I went to was also very cool#maybe I also associate a lot of stress with my camera#I think my friend is also maybe just a bit narcissistic?? Ik everyone is the main character in their life but like. reminds me of my mom#when she exaggerates how scary something was or how a story only happened because of her#my friend always tells the story wrong of how we met where she makes herself the one who instigated the conversation but it actually was me#and I slightly helped my friend make mashed potatoes for thanksgiving and she made direct eye contact with me and said she did it all by#herself and the potatoes were actively trying to kill her#she also misgendered and deadnamed our mutual friend to her other friends and again I just#I’ve said this before and I know it is fucked but I am thankful and privileged that my gender fuckery is not so extreme that I can be#deadnamed. bc it really is your own people! and sure everyone is learning but!!!#and I also have not always been the ally I need to be and corrected people in the moment#that’s also its own thing of who people are out to so I’ve gotten better about asking if they use their pronouns with everyone or just with#friends at whatever point in their transition. even at that yanno#I think it’s called a red lie? where it hurts someone but benefits you? bc there were also times I didn’t want to have to explain#who is trans to my mom. depending on the day she’ll either be so phony and welcoming or just refuse to get it. anyway#half of that doesn’t relate to my current situation#I also do sometimes worry though if I’m coming off as self centered/ narcissistic if I take up space in convos or if I’m not checking on#people/ if I’m actively making a situation bad for others. the cop out answer would be to say that there’s a learning curve to this stuff#but I still need to be actively trying. I think I need to not be a bitch when I’m planning things bc sure even tho I sometime get stressed#it’s for all of the people I love that also love each other to hang out. what could possibly be bad about that#I’m gonna get up now
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what a weird fucking day. it’s like bad news on top of bad news and then shit hit the fucking fan and literally all of it is out of my control so I’m just. here. drawing.
#ringmaster of the shitshow#my sister was half joking but half not when she demanded to know why I didn’t remind her about our mom’s bday#like girly tread lightly that is so not my responsibility and like I organize everything all the time#I’ve been literally going insane for months like we should be glad I remembered it on my own lmao but also. sis.#like why do I have to call my brother and be like was drinking at the football game more important than mom bc that’s what you communicated#he’s such a dumbass too I was like what is your plan. and he was like I’ll just let her be mad and she’ll get over it eventually#I lost my mind like NO IDIOT you’re going to get some flowers delivered and come home to see her#y’all I’m so tired. I’m so so tired. this isn’t even my fault I did nothinggg wrong but it’s my problem UGH#and my nanny baby is sick so I haven’t been working which means I haven’t been making much money and I’m im I’m#it’s all going to be okay I just don’t want to drag my bf and dog into a starving artist era with me :(#he might get a promotion tho so hoping for that bc. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.#a lot is riding on this weekend’s market going well. I really really really need it to go well.
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