#she looked too fine last week
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Carpe Diem, Joker Out | Slovenia, Eurovision Song Contest 2023
#eurovision#eurovision 2023#esc#joker out#slovenia#slovenia '23#carpe diem#another one that underperformed I guess#but I'm sure they'll be fine#how have you guys been? today I had an interview for a job I'm pretty sure I don't actually want#it's too far away and it's in 3 shifts#I could do either but both?? we didn't talk actual €€ but I don't think it'll be worth it#driving more than 45 mins to start at midnight?? I don't think so#I got there and the hr person is actually a woman my age I went to high school with (and same university too)#and one of the other women also looked familiar and that's because she went to the same high school too only she's a year older#ofc the job I actually want has been silent since last week when they did confirm they got my resume#idk it doesn't take that long to look at it and conclude I don't fit the profile (and I don't)#and just tell me 'no thank you'
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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So if The Fates wanted to eat me alive I'd be okay with that.
#is this too much sorry#but also its true and I'd probably thank them#god this show is the best#ages like a fine wine every time I see it it does not fail to get better than the last time#if i had infinite money I would see this show every week#Not one of the Fates looking me dead in the eye and asking “Wouldn't you do the same?” in Gone I'm Gone#also not the Fates wearing veils and acting liek they grieve Eurydice as she descends to Hadestown like girl omg#and Hades was giving me the side eye at the beginning of Why We Build a Wall ugh yes#CAN WE TALK ABOUT YOLA AS PERSEPHONE BECAUSE OH MY GOD. PHENOMENAL. NO NOTES. STAY FOREVER.#i still have a soft spot fot Betty Who tho she wouldnt stop staring at me during Our Lady of the Underground 💅💅#and anyone who knows me knows I ADORE Amber Grey#they never fail with these casts is2g#gosh I got *so* into this show tonight I love this music with all my heart. i love that I'm able to let myself be absorbed in this story#it can be super difficult for me to maintain focus during plays but I rarely have my focus pulled when im at Hadestown#i could sob I love this show so much. and i got to take my friend to their very first broadway musical tn and I'm so happy they loved it#Hadestown#The Fates#Eurydice#Hades#Persephone#musicals#also as always the band killed it. It is always such a treat to be able to listen to this music live. like genuinely I'm so grateful.#OH YEAH and current Hermes was FANTASTIC#Hermes#everyone was fantastic really such a great and talented company
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Everything got whiter...💀💩✨
#... including her nose#:( sad#:( why#stole this off of facebook#but have noticed it since her appearance last week#that is not growth bro#pinched noses don't come from growth lol#her cheeks hollowing out and her lips losing volume are both growth things#and the slight loss of her chin cleft#...that all can be attributed to ageing#age lines too#but the nose#is a whole other thing lol#don't come at me bro#“if u don't like her why are u commenting on —” because i'll comment on the 'celebrity' aspect and sometimes that includes what a celebrity#does to themselves out of insecurity and self-loathing#it's weird how utterly diff she looks from just a couple years ago#but a subtle pinching/sculpting of that already cute puppy nose is just never necessary...and whatever weird crap that's making the skin#look ✨plastic✨ and unnatural#out of the three appearances 2023 looks the most natural/comfortable for ya#yeah i'm fine#wednesday#jenna ortega
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What a stellar event ☀️ (Patreon)
#Doodles#Only *checks calendar* two and a half weeks late to the reaction party lol#It's fine I'm nothing if not constantly fashionably late#Is that what I'm calling it now sure lol#As you can see I was away from my usual tools! I straight up Forgot to bring them while Definitely still being subject to Inspiration Brain#And also the eclipse but really that was secondary#Lol no - the eclipse was amazing! :D I genuinely am so glad and grateful that I got to experience it firsthand :D#I actually - smol and I were apart so we experienced it separately - but she apparently read the safety warning on the sides of the glasses#I did not lol I was not particularly careful about how long I spent staring through them haha#It was just too cool to take my eyes off of! And I didn't end up with any spots or dots in my vision so it's fine probably >.>#I did hurt my throat from I guess compressing it from looking up while standing lol?? Good job evolutionary body design#I guess we're not made to stare at the sun normally but hmph I wanted to look!#It was very cool <3 If you're ever in the path of totality 10/10 experience would recommend to anyone :D#Also speaking of smol and my experience lol I'm usually the data person between the two of us and she isn't#But she kept very detailed notes! Like hour-by-hour and then eventually like minute-to-minute :D Really really cool!#This was the extent of my note-taking lol#As for the last one lol I was also like lightly annoyed that day pfft - just irl Kaiein nonsense#It was funny but also like - I don't trust them even now that they've explained ugh whatever lol it doesn't matter#The eclipse mattered and it was extremely cool <3
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My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.
I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃
#hi bg mutuals 👋 i'm gonna vent about this from time to time. if any mutuals dont want to see it block the 'apostake' tag#trying not to read too much into it b/c I think I did last time something like this happened#and i dont want to make an ass of myself even if neither time would actually be in front of my parents#but like...i know that they know that one of my sisters is clearly PIMO#they went through her phone a couple weeks ago and i have no idea if they read my texts w/ her#but if they did they probably saw the conversation i had with her about some of the really common shelf-breakers#and telling her to take looking into it at her own pace b/c it's scary and overwhelming#(a conversation SHE started btw)#and when i talked to my parents about the larger context of that whole situation i talked about not having space to step back#and their response was that they give plenty of space b/c they dont make her go to seminary???#that's not the same thing as letting her openly question & potentially leave the church idk what to tell you#like. besties i dont know for sure what caused it (which is NOT making things better. it just feels potentially passive aggressive)#but from my end? it sure looks like it might be a reaction to that. probably not JUST that (friends exist) but.#if you think I'm whispering anti-mormon rhetoric into my siblings' ears just ask me. i'm very much NOT doing that#i'm just. talking? to them? when and if they come to me with questions?#and not making my answer 'well there's a reason our parents raised us in the church! ☺️'#(an actual argument given in the article my mom sent)#hate it. thanks#apostake#jay rambles#ok to interact#im not challenging anyone's faith. my patience though? INCREDIBLY challenged#gotta figure out how to work my way around a 'hey please dont send spiritual thoughts to the gc *I'm in*' talk tactfully#they've been pretty chill about me leaving over-all?? at least to my face#haven't pushed me to go to church w/ them; was fine with me not visiting for easter; didnt try to convince me to not drink coffee; etc#it's just. frustrating that they're not giving my siblings that still live with them that same grace#my sister's 17 ffs#it's very possible im way overreacting to the article. but what is tumblr for if not screaming into the void#religion#mormonism
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#guess whos back in therapy bby 😎#the lady i saw was nice. 1st appointments r always a lotta blah blah blah so much to cover#and im always like bleh whatever im not that bad but when u put it all down on paper it is sorta a lot lol#i got the comment. hm u seem to kno a lot abt the dsm. and like listen. i have been meticulously categorizing my problems for the last 4#years. and i like to learn so ya kno. also said yea it sounds like u r having hypomanic episodes.#and asked if bipolar was a possibility and like if i was bipolar that would absolutely blow my god damn mind. im pretty sure its just pmdd#but whatever. im open to the possibility. mostly i wanna hear someone else perspective on this#i feel like im collaborating on a project. like gimmie ur notes i wanna see if were on the same track. bc im insane like that#i always feel bad when they apologize for asking invasive questions. like neh its fine. i got nothin to hide and i dont give a fuck#also i told a class of my peers that my distraction from research is drawing narut0 fan art. again bc i do not#give a single fuck. Professors response: hopefully we get to see it some day. bro. if u ask me i will show u. i do not care#i mean. probably nothing too weird but i feel like most of my stuff is safe to share. i just come off looking like a weeb i guess#but yea back in therapy bc my mum reminded me bc the ppl around me irl r also worried for my well-being based on my behavior lol#i mean its just bc i complain that im in like psychological pain a lot. so lots and lots of bitching abt my brain ^^#the lady i saw did fall a lil bit into my trap. like what woulf ur life look like if u had everything under control? bc it seems like ur#here and ur starting a phd what more do u want? and im like mwahaha but u see i can do school#i can do school so good. i am the best at school and thats it. i am otherwise barely functional#so i can be successful on paper and dysfunctional when it comes to having a life :-]#but whatever. well see what she wants to follow up on next week bc i threw a lot at her#also went to my office for the 1st time. it is really nice to sit in a working lab and watch ppl interact. but also i do feel like im#dying if i try to sit in that room with 2 other ppl lol. so well see how it goes. i may find somewhere else to hide#unrelated
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my mom hates the house, hates the neighborhood (can't walk to anything/have to get in the car for everything), can't find stuff she packed, doesn't have good places to put her stuff, her big desk doesn't fit in the "office alcove", the cat is days away from being put down and so he's clingy and sad...
MA'AM. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS DESPERATE TO MOVE. BUYING THIS HOUSE HAS BEEN IN THE WORKS SINCE JULY OF THIS YEAR. "MOVING" AS A CONCEPT HAS BEEN THE SUBTITLE OF MY LIFE FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS. YOU DO NOT GET TO BE A PISSY TODDLER NOW. THIS IS LITERALLY ALL YOUR DOING.
#the secret world of merry mac#and she keeps yelling at Arthur to leave her alone but he's fucking dying. he barely eats and he's cold and has balance issues#the poor cat is existing in his final week on this planet and she's just mad at him and taking it out on him#i have basically no furniture (none of it matched and so i didn't mind giving it away/selling it)#so that means my things are all shoved into precariously stacked boxes and i'm sleeping on an army cot#i'm depressed too!! i left a decent paying job doing something i really liked! i would have been fine moving to a different house in town!!#she wanted (1) trader joe's (2) kaiser permanente and (3) her own swimming pool#she got (1) trader joe's 2 freeways/30m drive away (2) no kaiser and (3) no pool#this is how we always move; my mom gets the itch and then we leave. it's not that she wants to move TO somwhere-- it's just AWAY from here#(wherever 'here' is)#so i spent my entire last paycheck on furniture that won't even be here for a week or more#i also hate the (brand new) fridge that came with the house. it's a side-by-side and it's simultaneously stupidly spacious#but also the space is used in such a stupid way that you can't even lay a frozen pizza flat on a freezer shelf#she also collects screws/nuts/bolts/nails/washers like a fucking magpie and so no two are the same#and she doesn't use the correct things for the job and she just put two ROOFING NAILS into the wall to hold a magnet board up#she sucks at home repair (made worse by the aforementioned WRONG TOOLS FOR THE JOB) and so everything is done#with extreme frustration and it turns out half-assed and looks bad#she doesn't wait and/or think about where she wants stuff to go so she's just spent the afternoon hanging things up badly#and the house is going to look like it was decorated by some clown who needs to hang every piece of art they own all at once#we have picture rails so we can swap artwork/photos according to mood/season/etc but no... she just puts EVERYTHING out all at once#anyway i'm so sad and tired and frustrated and angry and it feels really unfair to keep my mouth shut when she says 'i wish we never moved!
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Bro why are legal websites in the UK so badly designed and clunky and why do they say they’re going to send you a verification email and then they don’t and why is there no button to say “hey I didn’t get my verification email, can you send it again?”
#i’m JUST trying to find out if my friend’s stupid ex got sentenced for burglary yet and if so; what he got#i don’t even know if they sentenced him on the spot because i didn’t get to attend the trial#i went in thinking that i was going to sit in the gallery of the court but i ran into my friend (who was the witness) and we were like ‘hey!#and the usher was like ‘oh she’s your friend? you can keep her with you as your support person if you want’ and my friend said she wanted#to do that. so i obviously wasn’t going to let her sit in a featureless room drinking watery tea alone#anyway her ex pleaded guilty because he knew her evidence would’ve got him sent the fuck down anyway lol#so we went and got thai food#neither of us ever saw any of the trial like i said. which is fine because i honestly didn’t want to look at that man#not that i’m intimidated by him or anything. he’s just ugly#but now I DON���T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED#googling his name brings up nothing which is no surprise as he’s a petty criminal. in every sense of both of those words#the magistrates court in our town is seemingly too small to warrant a proper website. plus none of the legal websites are cooperating#with me. i joined one only to find out that all i’d be able to see is the court schedule for that day#which would literally only be useful if i was a lawyer; magistrate; aspiring to be one of those; or was going to be in court that day#also it only shows THAT DAY. i can’t even look at last week when all this happens#the website that i THINK will actually show me such cases is the one that’s not sending me a verification email#i’m losing my mind here. the kicker is i know neither of us will ever find out what he got unless I; ME; do all this research#she doesn’t even know what to google or how to spell it. like she would fall at the first hurdle#the only other thing i can think to do is get her to call the courthouse and see if they’ll tell her since she was the witness#but they might not have had the sentencing yet#next thing is i’ll get into this website finally and it’ll just show a guilty verdict and no sentence. and i’ll be like I KNOW#the prosecutor told us personally. i KNOW he pleaded guilty because if he hadn’t; we probably wouldn’t have been able to get thai food#in a timely manner because my friend would’ve been getting asked about the world’s most ill advised phone call#well maybe not the most but. you get what i mean. who calls up their ex; who hates them; while they’re committing a crime. bizarre#personal#rant
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milkmaid diluc anon here (this is not the legacy I wanted nor expected but OH WELL!) if u want me to fistfight that anon LEMME AT EM
I don't get why people feel the need to be so entitled on the internet tbh :// like it's THEIR individual experience on the internet so they're supposed to curate it yourself, and if they don't like something then it's literally so easy to block or mute and scroll away. you keep doing you, ms. kaela! we got your back (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧
also ALSO work was tiring but rewarding! I hope you and your cows are also doing well ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ
thank you legendary milkmaid diluc anon <3
it just strikes me as so odd that they must have went out of their way to come to tumblr FROM twitter because you can’t see my followers here. this is not my main blog. so that anon had to come to tumblr, the only major social app that has anonymous messages, to tell me this. weird. should have just said it to my face without hiding behind anon lol
#u are so sweet ty for reaching out#the cows have been good this week#compared to last week 🗿#TW animal injury/death >>>#last weekend someone shot one of my cows in the head#it was either a hunter or someone looking for easy food#but they shot her at the front of her skull so it didn’t get past her bone thank god#she’s fine#probably just has a horrible headache and i’ll treat her the best i can#2nd time this has happened#and one of my bred heifers#her name was Juliet … i loved her so much but she suddenly died last weekend too#maybe an embolism.. stroke#i’ll never know but i miss her a lot and i wish she had more life to live#anyway this got deep for a simple “how are ur cows” i’m so sorry about that#but thank you so much asking#and i hope work continues to treat you kindly#asks#anon#milkmaid diluc anon#not art
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wait, Derin how did your leaving make the hospital shut down?
I used to work as a live-in nanny for a pediatrician.
Now, the thing about hospitals in my country is that they are massively understaffed and massively underfunded. This is especially true outside the major cities. The staff are worked to the bone and receive little to no help in things like finding accommodation or childcare, making working in rural areas a very uninviting prospect; staff come out here, get lumped with the work of three people (because there's nobody else to do it), burn out under the workload and leave, meaning that those remaining have even more work because that person is gone. It's unsustainable and the medical staff are doing their best to sustain it, because people die if they don't, so to the higher-ups it looks like everything's getting done and therefore everything is fine.
My friend (and boss) worked one week on, one week off, swapping out with another pediatrician. This was necessary because it would not be physically possible for one person to handle the workload for longer periods of time. The one single pediatrician had to hold up the entire pediatrics ward, which was not only the only public hospital pediatrics ward in our town, but also the one that served all the towns around us for a few hours' drive in all directions. I regularly saw her go to work sick, aching, tired, or with a debilitating 'I can barely make words or see' level migraine, because if she took a day off, twenty children didn't get healthcare that day, and some of these kids' appointments were scheduled weeks in advance. She'd work long hours in the day and then be called in a couple of times overnight for an hour or two at a time (she was on-call at night too, because somebody had to be), and then go in the next day. Sometimes she would be forced to take a day off because she physically could not stay awake for longer than a few minutes at a time, meaning she couldn't drive to work.
Cue my niece's second birthday coming up in Melbourne. I'd been working for her for about 3 years, and she (and the hospital) had plenty of advance warning that I (and therefore she) needed one (1) Friday off. That's fine, we'll find someone to work that Friday, the hospital said. Right up until the last week where they're like "oh, we can't find a replacement; you can come in, can't you?"
No, she tells them; I don't have anyone to watch my kid that day.
Oh, surely you can hire a babysitter for this one day, they say. Think of the children! We really really need you to work that day. I know we said it'd be fine but we need you now, there's no one else to do it.
There are no other babysitters, she told them. Unless you can find one?
That's not our responsibility, they said.
But I'm not changing my plans, she's got plans by now as well, the hospital knew about this one day weeks in advance, and with absolutely no reserve staff they're forced to reschedule all pediatrics appointments for that Friday. Not a huge deal, it happens on the 'physically too overworked to get out of bed' days too. I go to Melbourne, she goes back to her home in Adelaide for her recovery week, all should be on track.
My niece gives me Covid.
This was way back in the first wave of the pandemic, and there were no Covid vaccines yet. The rules were isolate, mask up, hope. I had Covid in the house, and it would've been madness for my friend and her toddler to come back into the Covid house instead of staying in Adelaide. There was absolutely no way that a pediatrician could live with someone in quarantine due to Covid and go to work in the hospital with sick children every day. And no support existed for finding another babysitter, or temporary accommodation, so the hospital was down a pediatrician.
The other pediatrician wasn't available to do a three-week stint. They were also trapped in Adelaide on their well-earned week off.
Meaning that the only major pediatrics ward within a several-hour radius had no pediatricians. They had to shut down and send all urgent cases to Adelaide for the week. To the complete absence of surprise of any of the doctors or nurses; of course this would happen, this was bound to happen, it presumably keeps happening. But probably to the surprise of the higher-ups. After all, the hospital was doing fine, right? Of course all the staff were complaining of overwork and a lack of resources in every meeting, but they could always be fobbed off with the promise of more help sometime in the future; the work was mostly getting done, so the issue couldn't be too urgent.
It's not like some nanny who doesn't even work for the hospital could go out of town for a weekend for the first time in three years, and get the only public pediatrics ward in the area shut down for a week.
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why are glasses so expensiveeeee
#glad they do the 2 for 1 thing here bc I'll need a lab pair I can put in a safety goggle frame & and a general use pair#got my eyes tested and yeah my astigmatism is a lot worse LOL well it has been forever since i last had em checked#and i was wondering why looking at screens is so difficult and why my vision is sooo bad cycling at night i get crazy glare#well. one week til i can pick them up and then hopefully no more headaches and i wont get into any car accidents lmao#i mean my vision isnt THAT dire I can see fine without glasses just uncomfortable innit. esp if i have to focus#picked up my mail too so thats done... dont rly wanna leave the house again until climbing tn so im just gonna chill#also bought myself mouthwashing as a treat... it is my week off after all :3 i think im gonna watch a movie first tho so i can sort out#admin stuff and update my planner......and maybe journal a bit i have some shit I wanna work out#mildly annoying i wont be able to pin my roommate down to talk over the next few days bc im going out tn and tmr night#and we were gonna hang during the day bc she has time off work too but shes said she'll be too tired so she'll just be in her cave#and then idk if she did make plans for the weekend in the end but tbh if I cant talk to her abt shit beforehand I'll cancel for this time#I'm tired of every group social thing w her being tainted by this I just wanna have fun & not feel shit for being alienated for once#it was my friends birthday this week and id like to do smth nice w them but if we both go together ik she'll just upset me#unintentionally bc i havent been able to talk to her abt it yet. but still.#maybe ill just make separate plans w our friend then i dont wanna be an asshole to them bc i have a problem with someone else entirely#anyway. its not that deep just need to clear things up. fucking hell can my stomach stop COMPLAINING its not lunch yet!!!!#its okay. grrrrrrr. maybe if i have a snack itll calm down. i rly need another drs appt to bring up my physical issues but whatever#dealing w the depression is the priority hopefully my digestive system and menstrual cycle wont kill me in the meantime#okay thats my oversharing done for this thursday morning love u guys bye#.diaries
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having the worst fucking week of my LIFE i can't do this anymore.
#4 days straight government events at my internship. thesis got fucking overhauled by our adviser.#because he's using us to compete with his colleagues at the office.#had to juggle those two (+ my event. ill get to that later) that i got SICK what the fuck.#had the event ive been planning for about two months earlier. the fucking uni's general services office were assholes and caused us major#delays#which led to us getting fucking RAINED on so we had to CANCEL it HALFWAY and all of my kids#work on the stage and venue design got soaked in the rain#on top of all of these.#when i got back home after half a day of thesis. half a day of org work. my mom tells me#that rini and woong got taken by their mom and she can't find them anywhere#their bitch of a mother that leaves them starving all day to fucking sunbathe!!!!#i was bawling for a good thirty minutes last night UGH im pretty sure she just took them to the back of the house somewhere.#my mom's gonna ask help from the neighborhood kids to look for them huhuhuhuhu.#id be fine with it if the mom takes care of them. i seriously never tried to bother them too much until this weekend because i thought the#mom has been taking care of them but she hasn't so i had to feed them myself and sHE TOOK THEM AWAY 😭😭😭😭.#god i'm having the worst time.#and now i have to clean the aftermath of this ti#week's hell before i can finally fucking relax in my room.#i hate it here.#at least i'm hot.#event costume was an emo tiefling with a nearly six foot tall axe.#wore it while commuting to uni!!! loved the stares that i got it was very validating!!!!!!!!!!#gonna add that since this week has been pure shit#the only things that i had looking forward to at the end of every day was seeing my cats and feeding them and id feel instantaneously better#but now they're not around!!!!!! so i'm extra fucking sad!!!! god i feel like sobbing again!!!!!#there were only two things that i asked from the lord today.#that it wouldn't rain. and that i'd get my cats back.#neither of those fucking happened!!!!!!!!!! my event was thrown to hell and i still miss my fucking cats!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#uuuuummmmmm hypomania? bitch what? like huh? huh?????????#fucking hello???? like that's fucking like clearing whats happening at this moment#like i mean. im still grounded but like high energy. notably elevated mood. deminished need for sleep. im like fucking on right now#and but like i really really should not b. like hello?#but like its weird bc like what does that mean? like it happens every so often like too much energy that feels unhinged#but like it doesnt really affect my life too much it just feels kinda wild and upsetting to me bc its like not in control#but like i mean right now this is notable with respect to what i normally experience. like energy higher and mood higher than normal#like its midnight and im not even a little tired after having a fucking week like what???#not looking forward to when this breaks and i crash. but like whats the pattern her? how long has this been happening?#im gonna have to start tracking my mood bc idk i feel like im noticing it more now. like i dont remember this happening always cyclically#and like in the past it usually lasts like a day or ill have a few days where im like high energy but also fried and kinda up and down#but like im not going like full on way way high for long periods of time. but its hard to tell bc i have so much emotional dissonance#like ill have this like frantic energy while im standing completely still and i wanna grin in an unhinged way but its black static down#thr middle. so its like am i happy? and i depressed? fucking idk. im usually mostly depressed i think as a product of being so anxious all#the time. i don't usually go super low out of nowhere. i mean. i think its more linked to hormore stuff but i also think this is as well#idk its weird just. thoughts. i should start tracking my mood and ya kno also probably talk to a doctor#but like im about to lose my parents health care as i turn 26 and also fucking atrocious executive function#issues. like. it feels like my brain has holes in it. or i heard my lab mate say she was worried she had a brain tumor#bc its just like. something is not functional in the way its supposrd to be. ya kno? but like its fine#i mean. its not fine but like its fine#sigh. god im gonna forget to track this shit. like im already like my braun is disintegrating in my skull#can i pls be exused from being an adult while i have some sort of episode lol. but like idk#itll b fine. ive got a level head and an analytical brain and big control issues so i can keep myself on the rails#dispite the trashfire haha. ugh wtf do i do tonight tho. lay here abd try to sleep i guess#hope the mood stays up tomorrow so i dont like collapse into a puddle#ay ay ay. interesting. very interesting#im like a commit pinging around. a pinball bounding of those little pin thingys. ill meet with my boss Tuesday like yooooooo#idk if u havent clearly noticed but ive been a bit ya kno emotionally#unstable ✌️ or maybe ill b back to my normal sad sack self by then lol. idk weird vibes. real weird vibes but good 4 now#unrelated
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and so it happens once more
#i love my work. dont get me wrong#but they have the same problem as any other nonprofit ever. and even some for profits actually#they cant turn away ppl that pay them big money to keep running their business#it happened at the last shelter it happens here#board members and big donors are god i get it#but we cant sacrifice what this place means for that <- would be what they say in movies#because you can. you do.#all the time!#you have your morals and mission statements but in the end you cant do any of it without donations#and good public reputation#and when you make an enemy of someone who is a donor or board member or prolific person in the community#you lose everything#you lose your reputation your funding your ability to do what it is youre doing#im just so pissed#i knew it wouldnt be different but i wanted it to be#this time its a board member / donor / landlord for our fucking outreach program#they took in a stray kitten (which is fine-ish not great but its okay since theyre practically an employee)#they scheduled an appt for preventatives and intake which is what we always do to make sure theyre not dying#then they never showed up for it#then they complained about diarrhea but still didnt make any effort to make it here#then the week. the 7 day long period that we are moving. they finally can bring the kitten in#she is in the worst shape ive seen in a while#raw butt from diarrhea. URI and third eyelids swollen. cant hardly walk bc her ass hurts too bad. leaking shit. covered in fleas#she is in more pain than cats we've gotten that were hit by cars#and she was with a FOSTER. a BOARD MEMBER FOSTER.#im so pissed off#all of us are and we dont know what to say#she looks like she was found stuck in a sewer full of her own shit for a week she looks like death#im torn between euth with her because i dont know if the recovery she'll need will be worth the pain#shelter posting
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petition for my brain to just Not
#also my stomach because there's literally nothing in there worth of throwing up#still mostly unable to cry too so i guess i'll just sit here with it#trying my damndest to find something else to occupy my thoughts#and idek really why??#it's just deep exhaustion and shapeless despair#and sure the past week(s) have been Not Great#and i went to bed too late last night#but i did get some proper sleep finally again.#and earlier my mother called to tell me the dog is currently fine#so there's some actual tangible hope?#and here i am#feeling like dirt.#afraid to hope#fucking hell#personal#at least the constant 'i really fucked up and almost killed a patient because i didn't look closely enough' bs my brain has been on for day#has faded into nothing more than an echo and maybe a bad taste in my mouth#thanks vet i referred him to for berating me in that way#as if i wasn't already feeling bad enough#apparently she's known for that though so it wasn't even me#but it certainly didn't help
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