#she feels so distant but i don't want that. i don't want us to be like that
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if there's one thing you know about yourself is that you shouldn watch your mouth when you're drunk.
but you're out with your friend, and she looks beautiful when she laughs, and it's so good to see her not stressed from work, and it's great that you finally get to hang out after such a long time, and you can't help but ask her:
"why?"
"why what?"
"why do you humans keep wasting so many resources trying to make that earth planet habital? i don't get it."
she gets this somber look in her face. the laughter stops. she looks like she might cry.
you feel terrible.
"i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have... you don't have to answer that-"
"my grandma was born there, you know that?"
you stop talking. she looks distant.
"when i was a kid, she told us all about how it used to be, before everything. when she was little, she lived in a small house with her parents, and her mom grew crops in the garden, and they had a tree that gave them bitersweet fruit on the summers. sometimes birds would make nests on that tree, and she and my great grandma would set up little houses and playthings for the babies to play with.
she was always fascinated by birds. all animals, really, but especially birds. i've never seen a bird in my entire life if not for her drawings, and she always regretted the fact that she never got into coloring to show us exactly what they looked like.
she has pictures of her and her college friends visiting waterfalls and running together in the wilderness. she used to camp, like, a lot, really camp, in the middle of the woods, just her and her friends, like we read in the books. it's different from camping in vr, she kept telling us, we had to actually learn how to not die in the woods.
she married my grandpa at the beach, and... it's so different from the simulations. the sunset was beautiful in the pictures she showed us, but she told us that it was even better in person. she looked so beautiful with her sunburnt skin, even though she was in pain, and we never have to worry about burning our skin because of the sun, everything is all so protected and artificial, we don't even see the sun anymore.
my grandparents promised each other that when they got older they would have a farm. my grandma always wanted a few birds and a big dog. but then, when my parents were ten years old, the planet was so screwed that they had to populate other planets. she kept telling us that she was one of the lucky ones, because my grandpa was in the military and they helped people evacuate, but that most people like her died on earth.
everyone thinks it's our fault, you know? we doomed our planet, why would we even be trying so hard to restore it? i don't know. my grandma did it because she didn't want my parents to grow up in this place, where everything is made up and she did it all for nothing, because we're still here and we know nothing different from it. and to be honest, it's kind of hard to believe it was her fault in the first place. she really did her best. she saved water. she planted trees. she protected birds and other wildlife. she protested.
the truth is: no one listened. no one important enough, at least. no one cared about the little people like her, who were just trying to live their lives in a doomed world, and kept doing her best. the big guys wanted the money and they fucked everyone else over just to have it."
"i'm sorry, i-"
"i guess now that we've lost everything people are finally learning to miss what we used to have. our lives weren't so bad. and we want to go home, even though that doesn't make sense. i don't know what home looks like. i don't know what a bird looks like, or what it's like to stand on a beach and feel the waves lap at your feet, or what the forest smells like. but i keep trying to go back anyways."
she takes a sip of her drink.
you stay silent.
"You humans have hundreds of planets under your control, so why do you waste so many resources trying to make that Earth planet habital? I genuinely don't understand."
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Mel and Jayce Deserved Much Better
After experiencing horrors and walking through valleys and shadows, I truly hoped Mel would break down this season and unleash her emotions. Especially since she spent the entire season unlearning hardness with Jayce being so openly affectionate and emotional. This final act was honestly a slap in the face.
The one person she hoped would offer her that safety net to do this completely shuts her down. Mel was always cognizant of his feelings, constantly looking out for him, advising him, and teaching him. She shared with him her deepest insecurities and vulnerabilities. I can understand if Mel and Jayce are both going their separate ways because of the Noxus plot but to have him be this cold, and distant, and show a lack of understanding toward her plight is bizarre.
Mel comes back with a changed appearance and a different demeanor, and he doesn't even ask what happened. He seems to not care. Jayce isn't even giving her a chance to explain herself and just keeps coming at her and you can see the moment when Mel puts all her walls back up. Don't even get me started on the fact that he held the hammer in his hand for most of the time.
Their interactions during this act paint Jayce as one large hypocrite. He benefitted from all of Mel's teachings, from her providing comfort and affection, to her investments in Hextech. Asking her why she didn't save Viktor like she had something against him was wild.
This is the same Mel who offered comfort to Jayce when Viktor was severely injured during the explosion. The same Mel who immediately understood why Jayce left after their night together, recognized the importance of Viktor to Jayce.
If Mel could protect everybody in that room, she would. When she explains her lack of awareness of her abilities to him, he just keeps going on and on.
And the apology with the "passenger" line was just bad. It lacked a certain level of remorse that I would expect from Jayce of all people. Where is that good-hearted man who could tell when people aren't feeling their best, that person who always wanted to help people and make their lives better?
I think the Survivor Jayce is not the Jayce that Mel fell in love with, this is another man. The Jayce she fell in love with died at the bottom of that cave. The survivor Jayce is Viktor's passenger.
Jayce abandoned not just Mel but also his mother who protected him many times to be with Viktor in the afterlife?? In what universe is Jayce pulling that shit?
Now Mel's heading off to Noxus. A nation that doesn't align with her values and morals and would most likely have to harden herself to rule or have influence there. I hate it all. I hate that Black women always have to be strong. We actually had an opportunity to see a Black woman who grew up in that environment slowly shed those walls with a man who actually loved her and was openly affectionate and vulnerable. I'm so sad that it was taken from us. I'm sick and tired of the strong Black woman trope.
With how mischaracterized her motives and actions towards Jayce are, I for one cannot say that I'm excited for a spin-off series with Mel as a main character. Not with this writing team and this fandom.
To me, this show ended in season 1 with Zaun becoming independent, Jinx not firing the rocket, and Mel and Jayce growing together as individuals and as a couple.
#Mel Medarda#Jayce Talis#MelJay#Mel x Jayce#arcane#Let Black women be in love#I'm tired of the strong Black woman trope
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The Engineer
I catch a glimpse of the pilot as she is wheeled towards the med bay. Her eyes have that telltale glaze of just having been wrenched out of herself.
I've never spoken a single word to her, but for a brief moment as the gurney slides by, those eyes briefly clear, ice blue pinning me to the spot. She raises an emaciated arm and her hand almost seems to beckon to me before something in the gurney clicks and whirs and she slips back into catatonia.
That brief moment of clarity, that piercing gaze, unsettles me. She recognized me.
It's neural bleed. I know it has to be. She doesn't know me, but Morrigan does.
Good god. In the pilot's present state of post combat haze, she probably doesn't even know where she ends and the machine begins.
Does neural bleed work both ways? Is it her head that I'm about to climb into?
My wrist strap buzzes. I have a job to do and I am late.
The pilot is a problem for the med team and the psychs.
The machine is my problem.
I hurry down the corridor, keeping my head down, avoiding the eyes of every passerby.
I don't like people.
I don't like how their eyes follow me. I don't like the whispered gossip that follows me.
One of the techs is waiting for me at the vestibule.
I don't know his name.
All clear, he says to me. Time to work your magic.
He says it without sarcasm. Others have been less kind.
Even so, he can't quite hide the leer as I strip down to the skinsuit. I don't have the physique of a pilot. My body hasn't been subjected to the stresses that ravage their bodies. Unlike them, I have fat and muscle and the skinsuit clings to every curve of my body.
I force a cursory smile and try to forget him as I walk barefoot to my destination.
The vestibule is small, windowless. It's impossible to assess the scale of the machine from here. The only part visible to me is roughly four square meters of pitted and scarred metal plating framing the access hatch and the pilot's cradle beyond.
B0-987T the stenciled lettering reads. And below, in flowing script, is “The Morrigan”.
She's a Javellin class, medium weapons fire support unit. She isn't meant to be on the front lines in a skirmish, but one-on-one, she can hold her own against a Wraith. Which is exactly what happened only a few hours ago.
I place a bare palm on the bulkhead. She thrums with some distant vibration. Her reactor is still online, still in the early stages of drawdown as she transitions to dock power.
“Hey beautiful,” I say to her.
I think of the pilot. I think of piercing blue eyes and I think of neural bleed.
I flinch my hand away.
The tech looks at me, asks if I'm alright. I'm fine, I tell him.
I climb through the hatch and into the cradle.
I feel like an interloper here. The cradle isn't calibrated for my body. Everything still smells like the pilot. Mingled with the smell of the machine is her sweat and her adrenaline and the particular scented soap that she prefers.
There is a faint whirring as her cameras track my movements from a dozen angles. The access ports open to receive me.
Against my better judgment, I imagine eagerness for this exchange.
This is immediately followed by an all too familiar sense of inadequacy. The engineers’ rig is not nearly as all encompassing as a pilots’. It's only the most basic neural interface. No haptics. No neurotransmitter feedback. No access to the suite of sensors studded throughout her hull.
I can't interface with her the way her pilot can.
My rig is a remnant from basic training. The pilot corps wanted me for my exceptional ratings in synchrony and neuro-elasticity, but after serval training exercises, they determined that I didn't have the temperament for the battlefield. I froze up too easily.
A neural rig is a massive investment and removing one will fuck a person up a hell of a lot more than installing one. The selection process is designed to weed out washouts before we even get to installation, but some of us still slip through the cracks. Most end up reassigned to logistics, operating loader mechs or piloting long haul supply frigates. But my aptitudes made me ideal for the engineering corps, so here I am.
Morrigan senses my mood and the cradle shifts slightly, aligning itself to my dimensions. Her eagerness to connect morphs into a sort of tender reassurance. It's a slippery slope, ascribing human emotions to these machines, but she does seem genuinely happy to see me.
I can never be part of what she and her pilot have, but I can be part of something in my own way.
The pilot knows about me, she would even without neural bleed. Does she envy the relationship I have with her mech? Does she envy that I can exist both together and apart with the machine?
Is she jealous of us?
Morrigan slips her jacks into my rig and my mind enters hers and I feel tension leave my body. Some dull ache that I wasn't even consciously aware of ebbs within me.
My senses dull and my visual cortex is fed a series of diagnostic logs and telemetry streams. The techs have access to the exact same data, but Morrigan highlights particular data points that she and the pilot flagged. I log them in the engineering report.
A wireframe schematic of the battlefield spreads out in my awareness. Green markers for our battlegroup. Red markers for the pack of Wraith interlopers.
I hear the ghost of music, strange and ambient, like whale song. The first time I heard it, I asked the techs about it. They had no idea what I was talking about. One even suggested I get an eval for some psych leave.
Later I realized Morrigan was singing to me. Or rather she was interpreting tightbeam comm links as something my brain could process. A human mind can't possibly interpret the full datastream, but with Morrigans's rendition, I can suss out the basic meanings. The battlegroup is a choir and Morrigan is playing me their song.
I caused quite a stir when I first made that connection and started flagging battle events the analysts had missed.
I survey the battlefield before me, reconstructed from feeds from TacCom and all the individual mechs.
Morrigan and I have done this enough times that she knows my preferred display layout, but she holds back, allowing me to pull off the virtual displays on my peripheral vision. There's an odd sort of intimacy to it, her letting me take charge like this.
God-knows how many tons of metal and ceramic and miles and miles of wire and optic fiber and see waits eagerly for me to start the playback sim. She wants to show off. She wants me to assess the actions of her and her pilot and tell them they did well.
Other engineers, few as we are, have mentioned similar experiences with their assigned machines.
“Alright,” I whisper so that only she can hear. “Show me the dance. Sing me the song.”
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I think my roommate cares more about me than my boyfriend ever did.
Sfw for now. The next one will not be. MDNI 18+
Cw: mentions of a break up, roommate!Eddie, College!Eddie, Eddie comforts you, Usage of weed and alcohol.
1.9k words
The landline phone on the kitchen counter rang, its sharp tone pulling you from your thoughts as you struggled to focus on the mountain of homework in front of you. The red numbers on the clock read 8:45 p.m., and you had a sinking feeling it was your mom. You and Brian had been trying to make the long-distance thing work for a while now, but recently, the calls from him had been fewer, and his letters, the ones that used to come weekly, were starting come in more like monthly. Something had been off for a while, but hearing this was like a punch to the gut.
"Hello?" you answered, your voice betraying the exhaustion that had been slowly building up for days.
"Honey," your mom's voice came through the receiver, calm but laced with concern. "I just saw Brian in town with another girl. They were kissing. Holding hands. Everything. He wasn’t even trying to hide it."
Your stomach dropped. The rest of her words blurred as your mind scrambled to process what she had just said. Sure, you’d noticed the late-night calls growing sparse, the missed visits, and the feeling that he was becoming more and more distant. But this? This was something else entirely.
"Are you sure?" you whispered, though you already knew the answer, deep down.
"I wish I wasn’t, honey," she said softly. "But I had to tell you."
Your fingers tightened around the phone, your chest tightening not from heartbreak, but from the realization that someone you had trusted so much had been hiding something from you. It wasn’t even about losing him anymore. It was the disrespect.
"Okay," you said quietly, your voice almost too small to hear.
You didn’t even notice Eddie walking into the room until his hand brushed your shoulder lightly, a soft, comforting gesture. You had left your door open. The world felt strangely muted, your mind still reeling from the conversation. He noticed your face was flushed and eyes teary.
“You okay?” he asked, his voice gentle as he slid onto the bed beside you.
This wasn't out of the ordinary. You and Eddie had a roomie rule: If the door is open you're welcome in. This just helped you not isolate yourselves. Sometimes you want to sit in bed. It also didn't help that he heard your voice crack when your mom told you.
You didn’t answer right away. Instead, you handed him the phone, still gripping it like it was the only thing holding you together. Eddie took it without question, speaking briefly to your mom, assuring her that you were fine and didn’t need any more details. When he hung up, he turned back to you, his usual teasing grin replaced with something softer, more protective.
"Don't be broken over him. You're not, are you?" he asked, a slight smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
You shook your head, swallowing down the hurt. "Not him. Just… who the fuck cheats instead of breaking up? It’s like he couldn’t even give me that much respect."
Eddie paused for a moment, studying you. Then, that familiar grin spread across his face, though it was softer now, almost tender. "You know what I think? This is your wake-up call. The trash took itself out, sweetheart."
A small laugh bubbled up despite yourself. "God, you’re terrible."
"And yet you’re smiling," he quipped, his grin only widening. "You’re better off, Darling. And you know it."
---
The next few days felt like a blur. You buried yourself in your homework, but your mind constantly drifted back to Brian and what had happened. You weren’t relieved, and you definitely weren’t just sad. There was a deeper, more complex feeling that lingered in the aftermath of what Brian had done. Being cheated on wasn’t just about losing him. It was about the crushing realization that someone you trusted had shattered the very foundation of the memories you'd built together. The things you thought were special now felt tainted, like they never really meant what you believed they did.
You spent the next few days sulking. The betrayal was more than just an ending. It was a reminder that you weren’t worth enough for him to just tell you the truth, to have the decency to break up with you before he started something new. You felt the weight of that. The sense that he’d never even given you the chance to move on gracefully, to let go before he had already moved on himself.
It made you feel… ugly. Not in the literal sense, but in a way that went deeper. It was the kind of ugly that went beyond physical appearance, rooted in the emotional messiness that crept in when someone you cared about treated you like you didn’t matter. The time and energy you’d spent on him...on waiting for those calls, for that attention, it felt like a waste. You could have been doing so many other things, meeting new people, finding someone who would appreciate you for who you were. Flirting back with your roommate. Instead, you spent it waiting for a boy who didn’t even have the decency to respect you enough to say goodbye.
The thought that all those months, hell, maybe even years that had been wasted on someone who didn’t see your value made the hurt ache even more. There were guys in college, guys who could have been better, who were probably waiting for a girl like you. But you were here, tangled in a past relationship that wasn’t even worthy of you.
The quiet frustration and disappointment gnawed at you. And no matter how much you tried to distract yourself, the feelings wouldn’t let go. Brian had taken more than just your trust. He’d taken a part of you. Something that felt like it might never come back.
Eddie, however, didn’t give you space to sulk for long. He checked in, just enough to let you know that he was there without pushing you too hard. When he noticed the melancholy hanging around you, he showed up at your door, a pizza box in one hand, a six-pack of something sweet in the other, and your favorite movie The Princess Bride, determined to break through your self-imposed isolation.
You didn’t feel like laughing, and you didn’t want to feel better, but somewhere deep down, you also didn’t want to keep spiraling. Eddie’s presence felt like a small thread that might pull you back to something lighter, something that wasn’t so tangled in disappointment.
He never pressed you to talk about it. He just let you be, and in his quiet way, he managed to give you the comfort you needed. A movie, a shared pizza, and him just being there. It didn’t fix anything, but it was enough to make you feel like maybe, just maybe, you weren’t entirely alone in all of this.
Minutes later, you found yourself curled up on your bed with Eddie, a slice of pizza in hand and a bottle of something too sweet but just right for the moment. The comfort of his presence started to chip away at the sadness, the heaviness you’d been carrying around. Slowly, you began to relax, and the sounds of laughter, both from the movie and from Eddie’s constant, hilarious commentary, filled the room.
Halfway through the movie, Eddie leaned in close, that mischievous spark back in his eyes. "You know what this needs?" He pulled a crumpled baggie and rolling paper from his pocket, holding them up like a prize.
“Seriously?” you asked, laughing despite yourself.
“Absolutely,” he said, grinning. "I’m just saying, Buttercup and Westley’s love is even more epic with a little help. But only if you’re in."
You hesitated, then shrugged. "Why not? Worst-case scenario, I get hungry again."
“That’s my girl," he said, a grin spreading across his face as he expertly rolled the joint.
The first puff made you cough, and Eddie laughed so hard he nearly dropped the joint. "Oh, sweetheart, you’re adorable. Rookie mistake."
As the high settled in, the tension in your chest loosened. The movie was now ten times funnier. Who thought it could be possible? Every line had you both in stitches, and Eddie’s constant commentary didn’t help.
"Fezzik’s totally the real hero here, no doubt," he said, grinning. "The guy’s got heart, muscle, and a sense of humor. You can’t beat that."
“You’re ridiculous,” you said, snorting as you passed the joint back to him.
“Ridiculously charming,” he corrected, winking. “Don’t pretend you’re not impressed.”
By the time the credits rolled, you were sprawled against him, pizza crumbs on the blanket, your cheeks aching from laughing so hard. You glanced up at him, and for the first time in days, you felt a warmth spread through you not from the weed, but from the way Eddie looked at you. Like he had all the time in the world, like he was just happy to be here, making you smile.
“Thanks, Eddie,” you said softly, your voice sincere. "For this. For you."
His grin softened, and for a moment, there was a quiet sincerity in his eyes. "Anytime, sweetheart. You know that." He rested his head back against the pillow, and the world outside seemed just a little less heavy. In this moment, with Eddie by your side, it felt like maybe everything could be okay.
Everything would be okay. You're not going to sulk anymore. In fact, you may act on some feelings you've been holding down. Maybe it was the sweet drink or the weed, but you felt brave, very brave. Eddie wouldn't have done all this if he didn't at least like you a little. You'd pushed these feelings down to remain faithful to Brian. But you'd be lying if you said you'd never thought about Eddie before. He has a naturally flirty side to him.
My girl. Sweetheart. Darling.
These were things he'd call you in passing. You had hung out with Eddie around people before and he reserved those only for you.
He went out of his way multiple times to hang out with you on those nights you waited by the phone that wouldn't ring. The first couple of weekends this happened he'd go on about his own plans. But he came home too many times for comfort to you teary eyed holding the phone in your hand still waiting on it to ring.
"Oh sweetheart how many weekends are you gonna spend by a phone that won't ring? Come with me to the Hideout."
"Nope you're not doing this again. Mandatory roomie movie night."
"Heard that it's nation ice cream cone day. I'm buying and driving. Get up lets go."
These were just a few of the many excuses he made up to get you away from the phone on the weekends. You were free for the first time to act how you wanted. No reprocusions.
"Hey Eddie?" your voice soft and inquisitive.
Eddie's eyes flicked onto yours. "Yeah, sweetheart?"
"You're not um.. busy tomorrow and you don't need to go to bed soon or anything, right?"
"No, I'm not cleared out my weekend just for you. Had to get you out of this funk. Besides its still early. Only about 7 o'clock" he was checking his wrist for the time.
You nibbled at your knuckles mindlessly. You were nervous but quickly asked your question, "Do you wanna play a game?"
Eddies eyebrows raised and his smile softened "Uh yeah, absolutely. What game?"
Your nerves buzzing "Uh, I don't know just truth or dare."
To be continued..........
#eddie munson#eddie munson fanfiction#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x you#eddie munson fluff#eddie munson comfort#eddie munson x female reader#the princess bride#eddie would love the princess bride.
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You utilized the exact same words i used with a friend when i was talking about this with them. I'm a very analytical person I don't put two man ( or any other couple actually ) together just because they are sexy and im not delulu, like i can tell when the story mean something or not, of course if I want to ship it i ship it in any case, but I'm mature enough to understand if something is meant or not because i do care about the canon events especially if they are well narrated. I saw this thing they have at the very first time, from act 1 Season 1 to act 3 Season 2 and Jayce's relationship with Mel actually helped me, who watched the series as an aroace person so i don't really know personally how love works lol, to understand what Jayce truly wanted. It was so, so obvious for me in Season 1 and Season 2 just confirmed Jayce's feelings, because the character himself realized them. He loved Mel, but because Mel is a Mirror, she reflects other people desires she...she was the reflection of Viktor. Jayce saw something of Viktor in her. These are not the eyes of someone in love who believes in their partner
And I choose these screenshots not to negate the fact Jayce felt genuine attraction for Mel (as i already said) but because these moments are moments of "tenderness" with your partner. But why are you so..distant? It's because Jayce unconsciously knew that Mel is not Viktor and she'll never could be but he still cares about her. And..well THESE are the eyes of someone in love, who believes in their partner knowing they want to stay by their side, for eternity at this point. Look how Jayce shines, AND in the very first time you can see the emotions in his eyes just talking to a stranger. Viktor gives him hope. Those eyes are so so intense when he's look at him
And the feeling is mutual, but Viktor is more subtle because he was so stucked on the belief he wasn't worth it...And then happened what happened. But even after all of that Jayce is here to remind him he's the most beautiful creature in the world in every sense possible, and he believed in him till the end. I really know what brotherly soulmates mean, it's like as you and another person were born from the same ovum, that strong connection between two twins and this is definitely NOT the case They are partners Science Partners Partners in crime Partners in love, with the difference their love it's expressed differently from simple kisses and carnal passion, they loves in their unique way that's why their relationship is so BEAUTIFUL There was no Kiss, not an "I love you" because those things are so..bland if you compare them to everything else, the touches, Jayce's words as you arleady said OP
And this for me, as for you OP, this makes Jayvik CANON And never won't change my mind because the voice actors believed in it. The animation team believed in it, because they showed us EXACTLY this type of love.
I know I'm most definitely not the first one to talk about this but truly I believe that if queer people identify with a ship/character then that makes them queer.
That being said, Viktor and Jayce are most definitely queer to me. Their love definitely defies the bounds of any normal "romantic" or "platonic" relationship and that in itself is inherently queer. Defying societies expectations of a given role, like, how is that not queer?
It genuinely baffles me that it's claimed they're "brotherly" because there are WAYS to code brotherly dynamics, or really close friends, without romantic undertones at all! That's possible, and those relationships are present in arcane! So why is it that Jayce and Viktor feels so queer? because they fucking are! You have to think, one person who worked on arcane does not define a relationship that has been worked on by a shit ton of other people. Their relationship is queer coded even if unintentional, it is there. and when characters are queer coded, they ARE queer.
Jayces confession was such a beautiful way to show his love for Viktor, they don't have to kiss, or explicitly say "love" for that to be the implication. It's there. half the people who watched that scene thought they were going to kiss. there's a reason for that! I hate pulling out the argument "what if one of them was a woman?" but sometimes you genuinely have to use that argument because SO many people would be on board if Jayce or Viktor was a woman and the other was a man.
Jayce is genuinely so devoted to him and it's so so clear the entire time! Because yeah! He chose to go through that with Viktor! He chose to hold him by the neck and hold hands with him! Because he loves him! That is true love no matter the intent! He loves everything about Viktor and never once did he falter in that love because it was such a big part of him!!!!! Like I cannot imagine watching the Finale and not coming out of it like "Jayvik is canon" because to me it is canon. like. legitimately canon. and I will be referring to it as canon because that's how I see it.
Okay thanks for listening to my thoughts lol I love queer relationships in media
#Arcane#Jayvik#SORRY FOR THE WALL TEXT I WAS SO INVESTED AND I WANTED TO EXPAND YOUR WORDS#for me it's a really a pure demostration of love what they have#gottago cry again lol
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OKAY HEAR ME OUT i know your bio says you like angst but no one has sent you anything except fluff and smut skfkskfkskf so could i pretty please req an unrequited love trope w/ lara? (or who you prefer) like maybe she has feelings for reader but reader is with another member already or somerhing like that? 🥺
“love is a drug that I quit”
sypnosis -» each passing moment, each heartbeat — guilt gnaws lara knowing she had a crush on her best friends girlfriend
beware! -» angst , touch of fluff , breakup , established relationship, toxic/cheater!sophia , swearing, crying, eventual mutual liking , guilt, I think reader is also kinda toxic in here
talks -» hey babes idk if you wanted a good ending or bad one so I give you a somewhat okay one , also thank you for requesting angst!!! , lovesick girls reference on the title, I think I went off the request a. tad bit hope it's okay though :((
taglist (open) : @nyssalvr @ohmyhaely @vrtualstar @jellaaa @c-yerim
knowing lara she would never ever ignore you on purpose — yet here she was being distant , it didn't bother you much since she was only a friend , right?
sophia invited you to stay the night in the girls house , it wasn't out of the normal — what was out of the normal was a lipgloss that sophia and yoonchae didn't use, it was near sophia's bed , at first you didn't look into it thinking maybe it was lara's or maybe megan's lipgloss
yet something in you tingled , something that told you it was someone elses
so without thinking much you asked the girls around the house if they used this specific brand of lipgloss
"manon— do you like rare beauty lipglosses?" you ask the eldest "no.. I kinda like lip oils better" she replied after so you thanked her
"hey do you guys use rare beauty lipglosses?" you ask the youngest duo while they play a video game "nope!" they both replied after so going back to their game
the same response was heard from the middle kids aka lara and daniela , now your actually seething who the fuck owned this gloss then
"sophia elizabeth laforteza—who the fuck owns this gloss and don't try to lie to me!" you scream startling her to stop using her laptop , your hands were fisted , everything felt warm or too hot as sweat dripped down from your forehead
"baby I don't know—maybe it's megan's" her voice trembled as she focused on other things rather than looking at you — she was fucking lying "are you fucking with me?! — she doesn't own this! she told me earlier!" you scream at her , she stood up and tried to calm you down but you swat her hands away
"baby—its no ones I swear" sophia tries to reason out using her soft voice that could've worked but god your tired of her lying to you, "soph don't fucking lie to me—ill find out one way or another"
you snatch her phone opening it , she tries to get it back but you push her off you , scrolling thru her dms you stumbled upon a mysterious number opening it you were not so warmly greeted with a exchange of heartfelt messages , between your girlfriend and some bitch named gabbie
"sophia I'm not gonna do this anymore — why the hell are you talking to gabbie? and why the fuck are you both so lovey dovey?" you angrily threw her phone to the floor — she looked pale almost as if she saw a ghost
"baby it's not what it seems!-"
"no sophia I'm done with you and everything — I thought maybe just maybe giving you a second chance would work , yet here you are back to your old schemes" you cut her off , your eyes blur as tears start to threaten leaving your eyes , you couldn't think properly, you packed up your things with sophia still trying to defend herself , trying to stop you from leaving
she wasn't the sophia you fell in love with certainly not the sophia you're gonna stay with
"I'm sorry — I love you but if you love me too sophia you would let me go" you said trying your very best just to look or even sound composed
now sitting in your car crying like a kid — you couldn't even bear going home when all you can think about is sophia , her hugs that made you comfortable, her kiss that made you melt especially the moments you both cherished
♪
nights passed — sleepless ones even and you still think about her , it wasn't getting any better , the more you cave in the more you became a wreck
the girls all heard the conversation — honestly it was very sick and twisted for sophia to even think of cheating on you, the girls especially lara who was very close to sophia started to distance themselves often times only getting close for fanservice
each passing moment, each heartbeat — guilt gnaws lara knowing she had a crush on her best friends girlfriend
well now ex best friend and ex girlfriend , lara didn't know what to do , whether to pick you or sophia
she wanted to approach you , to talk to you not even in a way to date but just a way to make sure your okay
so she did with her not so impeccable social skills chatting you one random night
freedom girl: y/n? can we talk? I know you're not fully healed yet but I would love to just sit down and talk with you even for a few minutes
you: sure , meet you at the studio?
freedom girl: yes be there in 30
you got ready , you knew damn well that you needed to talk to someone even if that meant it was lara — just because you didn't like her friend doesn't mean you didnt like her
driving there was quiet, no music just the gentle breeze of the air-conditioning in your car , your comfort was soon just silence
"hey how are you?" lara greets you as you park infront of the studio
the weather was cold yet in her presence everything felt warm and comforting
"I've been okay—how about you?" you replied as you both walk in the studio , soon sitting down in front of some equipment as you talk heart to heart
♪
it felt like you two were dodging the obvious topic , the break up or was it that? , or the obvious liking towards you by lara
you noticed it the minute sophia introduced you to the rest — yes you found it icky but when you first broke up with sophia she was the one to reconcile you two now for the second break up she was the one who also talked to you
she was the only one who truly cares more than sophia, the one who would actually go to war for you
yet you couldn't find it in you to date her or even confess the confusing feelings you felt , "can I tell you something?" lara suddenly stops you from thinking
"yeah anything" you replied , you look at her face trying to analyze even the smallest tug of her lips or the blink of her eyes
"you changed my perspective on a lot of things—the time you told me that love can be found anywhere, or maybe the time you helped me in my dark times" she then follows "even when you didn't have to"
you felt like a billion bricks were lifted off your shoulders — at this moment you even forgot about sophia, time was stuck and everything was right
"I'm glad I made you feel that way—you make me feel the same , I really hope this doesn't sound weird but I really love you" you mumble not thinking about the words that spewed out of your mouth and frankly you didn't care , you felt safe with her you felt like living again
"I love you too" she replied in a whisper like tone
the line was crossed , boundaries were broken and you're thankful you did
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ANALYSING GAMBIT's SYMBOLISM IN D&W : Logan's feelings and his love, and how they relate to wade's feelings of love:
Logan and Wade's feelings in Deadpool 3 are represented with the characters of Gambit and Althea. Let's analyze the two characters of Gambit and Althea quickly first.
Althea represents wade's love and feelings. which are blind . his feelings can't see other people, their hearts, traumas,feelings,their 'fangs'. they can only hear and touch them, etc. she's also fragile,kinda unhealthy and defenseless.
Gambit represents the feelings inside of Logan. They're pretty powerful, full of magic and tricks, never got the chance to show themselves properly. Explosive, at first unassuming. very pretty! a smidge younger also, which would make them more innocent.
Logan's feelings never left his headspace, he never allowed people into his life, his defenses were extremely high, so his feelings of love are very innocent inside of himself, actually.
its just a lot to get through to them, damn!!
WHILE on the opposite wade's feelings are double his own age, it's like his feelings are soooo worn out...they lived two lives more than wade.
emotionally he's a wiseish, matureish person, I think when he's at peace he's actually wise and mature though, compared to logan's innocent feelings. he knows more, he knows how to treat people, he also knows that he'll probably get hurt if he lets logan into his life. he's a bad boy....he's troubled....he's stronger and bigger than him
like his presence, his importance, his bluntness, i think he's not the nice sweet stripper vanessa, he's a big deal and i don't think wade is too ready to be a big deal, or wants to be anymore, to be deadpool, he just wants to hide. and with logan as your lap cat it's pretty hard to hide! but you gotta nurture him and take care of him cause you love him damn!!!
he's like a really angry important nuclear cosmic bomb of importance in your apartment.
wade's been through it in every way okay, and he WILL do it again. very easily. very easily.....
wade has been through IT. logan has been kinda through less emotional hardships than he could be at his age, even in comparison to wade or other logan's.. they're just different types of people that way.
one is out of his mind, one inside his mind. both can manage some things better. of course love master wade will help logan out.
Logan's feelings, Gambit, were also born where he met Wade. And his feelings never saved anyone before because he was born in a bad, tough place... but that will change!
Wade meets Logan's feelings:
Wade meets logan's feelings in the form of Gambit, and basically says, your feelings are useless like they won't help at all. Feelings don't matter, ever! Especially wade's, that's why he's projecting onto logan.
he's also projecting his less than premium feelings(althea) to logan's feelings who are quite young and healthy, and powerful (gambit). logan is just fine, and useful actually.
it doesn't matter how much wade loves something, it will usually leave him. or something bad will happen, because of his sick mind. his mind will win over his own frail feelings.
wade can love someone as much as he wants but as long as he's selfish, distant, self sabotaging, anxious,insecure,etc.etc. his feelings will never matter. they're not strong enough to help, he has to help them and they have to help him.
while outside forces are destroying the peace in his mind. wade can't handle life anymore. his feelings are literally old, near the end. his heart, his unvierse, it's falling apart.
he will continue hurting because of his feelings, while he sabotages himself, and while the world moves on from him and leaves him behind.
that's why he's always being rude to althea basically. he's scolding himself constantly on how his feelings are and how they act, etc.
Gambit doesn't even have anything special or high quality about them to wade (close up magic joke), so wade probably sees Logan's feelings as pretty dull and bleh, probably because logan is so closed off and stoic, and aggressive... he's unsurprising and uninteresting to wade emotionally.
and mean, and wade doesn't see anything past the surface most of the time. And if you don't treat him well, even though he's a jerk to you, he won't like you.
But logan's feelings have explosive tricks up his sleeve for wade.
So the first thing Wade does to speak to logan's feelings is lie, complimenting them on how beautiful and gorgeous they are, but wade's feelings can't see other peoples feelings. and the first time gambit walks in, he doesn't even talk. so there's nothing to compliment, since he didn't hear him talk.
wade also can't understand gambit, which translates to him not understanding logan's feelings , he constantly needs clarification. and he's very confused.
while his feelings (gambit) yes they attack wade for what he's done but they also quickly calm down, they attack logan for drinking as well. so logan is angry at himself for drinking and not dealing with his pain, but he can't stop himself ALONE.
wade can only HEAR peoples feelings straight forward when they tell him. he can't read vibes and body language, etc. can't see things for what they are.
and logan's just been threatening and yelling at him, at best responding with silence. wade can't process subtle emotions in others, he can barely handle them when they're straight forward. So he sees logan as an aggressive jerk who won't help him, who won't save him. but he needs people to constantly save him and make him feel good.
he doesn't quite understand peoples complexities, or gives a damn to figure them out mmuchhh...
so wade is straight up lying when he says gambit is gorgeous and beautiful. and it's working very easily on gambit he's smitten, but quickly realizes wade is kind of a sociopath jerk. so logan sympathizes , then wade stars wadeing and logan gets mad.
(but the second compliment could be true, since if he understood a little of what gambit was saying he could be complimenting him genuinely, while being frustrated at the same time at them)
then wade starts trying to connect to logan's insides by sharing how he feels in clear words, like how he himself likes being told about other peoples feelings.
and logan's feelings respond very well to straight forward emotions. he immediately gets smitten again ' it's like you're speaking to my soul'
so logan empathizes with wade a lot, immediately after wade's screw up, even though his heart and FANGS, elektra and blade, won't admit it and act tough, his feelings give him away.
wade hearing logan's feelings:
the first time wade really HEARS logan TRULY understanding him and connecting with him was when logan finally speaks up on how he feels and repeats what wade told him and says
"i understand that you didn't mean anything bad by dragging me here and you truly thought my world can be saved too. to your deadpool core i can see that i've been to your core. " it could be that he's just endearing and dumb to logan probably like thats logans pet deadpool he gave up fighting it.
thats the first time wade HEARD/saw logan's feelings. like could have logan just said that...for it to be a nice farwell to a new friend, maybe. but i think he saw those deadpools and he was like they're so simple and...hopeless they can't do anything ill save the planet i guess.
but it could also be, and what i think it is, like once you dig enough to find the well of logan's love you will be rewarded by innocent, pure, strong, magical love. logan could be very innocent in this regard and love very very easily.
his feelings are hard to understand and tricky,
but obviously...wade is a master of love he's been through it all he will trick you in the end and hit you over the head with a fire extinguisher. he hits you over the head with his love its not like.....tricky or hard to understand or hard to find. he's just like i love you dude ill say it straight up to you how i feel. there's nothing to hide behind.
BUT that's only because before that althea(wade's feelings) opened a window to his insides, cussing at the ruckus, wishing she was deaf so that she couldn't hear logan. opening the window to wade's body and his house.
one of wade's senses for love is basically gone, he's extremely mentally unwell so he can't see peoples love, that's gone. but everything else is working well in order.
but anyway, she kept it open so that she could hear more clearly. he opened himself up to hear logan fully and got rewarded for it!
and then he's like, i love this guy ,he simply gets me. because after they save the world, logan doesn't go back to being quiet as before, he processed his feelings and now he is comfortable with wade, he doesn't leave it at 'i understand you'.
he says 'they would be lucky to have you' like not only do i see how you meant well you did really well the like most successful group of heroes on the planet would be lucky to have you. which is the highest compliment. and well kids this is a hint that we'll be able to use later.
ERM LOGAN WILL BE LUCKY TO HAVE HIM~
::: then wade invites logan into himself and logan meets wade's love for the first time(althea). and she goes from angry, distressed, hysteric, BLIND!!! to immediately being calm and happy to meet logan ^v^ ! that's how wade feels!
and wade calls her by a more polite name 'althea' ~
and he moves in with wade..... and logan he keeps trying to run away but wade wwwwwwont let that happen~ because...hes annoying..the end
also gambit aka logan's feelings are free tooo do what ever they want now they're not TRAPPED in a void where they were born in anymore wade got them out together with the rest of logan. out of logans headspace into the free world.
#gambit#text#remy lebeau#deadpool and wolverine#deadpool 3#wolverine#deadpool#symbolism#movie#film#movie analysis#film analysis#love#feelings#but thats just a theory a gambit theory#THIS TOOK FOREVER JFC sorry for the order of this but ummm i cant anymore
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Now that they can, would they want to spend a lot of time together? (Patreon)
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Fionna and Cake#Simon Petrikov#Marceline#Hhhh I feel so bad for both of them 💔#Obviously Simon misses her since she's like the one tether he still has to ''his'' time - they were both born before all the Everything#And I'm sure Marceline misses Simon too but like - even this Simon isn't ''her'' Simon. They met when he was already affected by the Crown#They clearly love each other when they see each other when Simon is as much himself as he can be!#But I can't help but wonder if it would be painful to spend time with this sad lonely magicless man - and how guilty that would make Simon#He wants to still be a part of her life! But how much of himself does he even have to offer now?#And the guilt would go round and round - she sees it in him and he sees that in her and they just both feel bad!#I really can't blame him for being a little emotionally closed and her being distant - they're not who they were#With all that said I still really love their dynamic <3 They're /not/ who they used to be but they've still got such an interesting relation#I think in the moments that they do have together where they're both trying to be good for each other Marcy would really push her humour ♪#She's got 1000 years of silliness to get out of her system to her bestie! I'm sure she's got the material hehe#Even if he still sees her as a little girl - I mean that just adds to the joke if she says something a bit blue lol#I don't think he'd actually keep the sharp teeth - it's more of a visual metaphor of how Marceline sees him in these kinds of moments#It's hard to leave it behind!
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I think I brought up some interesting topics! But maybe I misunderstood some of my views on some things by the way I pointed them out
The Sonic 2006 Gang forgot what happened:
Everything was recreated from scratch and resumed at the beginning when Sonic runs through the festival. The feeling Elise has is "familiar" but she doesn't remember the events! The images you showed demonstrate my point about it, it's as if the characters have Deja-Vu about past events, but they can't remember 100% of what happened. Sonic has the same thing, apparently, he tries to remember but the feeling is a "distant memory" just like Blaze, Silver and other characters! They don't remember, it was erased, but they feel something "strangely familiar." (deja-vu)
The issue of the ship:
Personally I don't like it, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to like it! Again in my opinion it was built in a way that was too rushed for the development of the story. It didn't unfold naturally, there are many parts that become a bit embarrassing due to how the game ended up in the final version. And Elise being human and Sonic being a hedgehog is also a reason for me to find it strange, but that's just my point of view.
The kiss:
I always thought that even if it was another character, it would be better not to have it. Even though it was based on the fairy tale, it would be more symbolic and impactful if it was a tear from Elise causing Sonic to wake up. Bringing up the issue of her finally being able to cry, with her tears being the symbolism for rebirth!
The issue of the glitch:
There are videos on YT about this! The game was very poorly polished, so there are several glitches similar to this. I mentioned the fact that even if you choose Elise, you are forwarded to Amy's decision. As if it were supposed to be her instead of Elise. The fact that this trial ultimately doesn't change anything in the story is also very complicated, but following the 2006 direction, again: They basically wanted the player to quickly become attached to Elise, so that it would be plausible for Sonic and her to be the romantic couple.
2006 an obscure game:
Yes, but personally more for the technical flaws. Was it poorly executed and rushed? Absolutely. There's no denying it! The story has holes and errors as I mentioned, but it still has a good campaign like Shadow's. Even with the same problems mentioned, his Campaign is considered the best precisely because of the way the character was worked on and had a good ending! Silver the same, even with the problems above (and the fact that we don't understand Blaze is there). Sonic's Campaign for me is the "weakest" for the simple fact that it doesn't go as deep as the other two (and the battle against Silver is painful).
About the dynamics of both and the "Romance Arc"
Parallels in the Sonic franchise are nothing new! Just look at Sage and Metal Sonic, being parallel to Shadow and Maria. Blaze and Cream (or even Marine) being Sonic and Tails, Shadow and Sonic being parallel to each other and so on! The dynamics wouldn't need to focus on the issue of a type of love. Elise is a character who is aware of her kingdom, and she has always made it clear that they were her priority. Her love being directed at several people in a responsible way would be a mature and very interesting topic to address! As I said, just like Maria was for Shadow, I would personally find it interesting if it were the same for her and Sonic! And again, I don't hate Elise. I hope she returns to the franchise in a better way, she is a character with a lot of potential and I believe she will appear again at some point!
About the Takeovers being "Canonical"
As I said, I consider them Semi-Canon! They focus on having fun and entertaining us, but they are questions selected and thought of by the team as a whole, not one person, or two, it is the team that develops them. As I said, most of them are just for entertainment, but in this way, they are content that adds to the fandom's questions! In the screenshots I took of the managers of the official Sonic account, they themselves point out "What people are most curious about" And that's my point: They are answers to expand the franchise further. They make it semi-canon because they are more details about the characters for us fans!
I hope I answered what I found strange!! They are just my point of view on :') Thank you for understanding! 🤍
About Sonic and the others forgetting the events of Sonic '06 + The Twitter Takeovers are semi-canons
Okay, here we go... I saw some people mention this answer about Sonic forgetting Elise and being upset about it, and thankful that the Takeovers are "not canon", so I'll share my point of view on that and talk about why the Takeovers are semi-canon! (oh boy a long post-) ~~~~
To start: "But Sonic forgetting Elise is absurd! He was the one who put out the flame with Elise, they both should have known about each other." No. They shouldn't have. From the moment the flame went out, everything was reset and started at the point where Sonic was going through the festival. There was no invasion by Eggman at that moment, Elise was not kidnapped, there were no Events of 2006 EVEN though the game is canon. THIS has ALWAYS been a fact since the game's release. And it keeps gaining strength with new media (Sonic x Shadow Generations and mentions that Sonic make in external media).
And I dare even more, not even Silver should know about the events. But if he knows, it's only him and Mephiles, who was ERASED from existence and ended up in WhiteSpace, the Limbo of Sonic's Universe. (As for Silver, he constantly travels through time, he could be the only one who remembers, but I doubt it a little) But the point here is: The representation of the flame going out at the end of 06 is that everything was rewritten in a new way. Things didn't happen that way and that's it.
"But it's absurd. Sonic would never forget Elise, they liked each other!"
I know that in some way there are fans of Sonelise, but I don't think it's right to support their romance so much when it was rushed and totally done in a hurry to make us get some kind of "emotional attachment" to Elise. Elise was the one who showed the most interest in Sonic, even kissing him (geez...), while Sonic, even choosing Elise in the "Trial Of Love", sometimes the game still throws you to Amy's option in a strange glitch. Which doesn't make much sense since theoretically he "would be in love with Elise."
Elise had the potential to be an excellent character and I still believe in that! She was introduced in an obscure game (just like Silver) and we can't deny that fact. She always couldn't cry because she had sealed the Iblis Trigger in herself, she lost her father and had no mother and yet she was the governess of the kingdom of Soleanna. Have you ever thought how much she could have stood out by working on this issue of pressure that she suffers in a deeper way? Instead of Sonic's entire campaign revolving around a somewhat embarrassing romance, have you ever thought how incredible it would be if it focused on how far the line of our responsibilities goes and the fear of failing everyone? Elise could potentially even be an incredible parallel for Blaze being what she is, even if indirectly! There's the other idea of Sonic and Elise being a parallel of sisterhood like Shadow is with Maria, and that's much more captivating than a romance, and I'm sure we'd get much more attached to her knowing that!
Sonic 2006 and plot holes...
Sonic's campaign is the weakest;
Elise is a character who has potential for much more than what we were given;
the time travel issue has many holes like the Blue Chaos Emerald being with Elise the whole time;
Blaze is in the game and we don't even have an explanation for it;
We're very vague about Silver and his future; So, the fact that Sonic and the others "forget" the events is something canonical since the end of the game and has always remained that way.
Now, about the Twitter Takeovers:
The Takeovers are silly and focused on humor, but that doesn't mean there aren't writers behind them!
(Social Media Manager for Sonic's official Twitter account.) This same script is thought by the entire team, since the company's characters are acting! There is a lot of work behind it, which must be recognized! In other words, the information becomes "canonical", since it covers and gives us answers about things that we don't have in the games yet. It's an expansion of the characters, the universe and the story that hasn't been told or fully explored yet, and that's fantastic! The questions are selected based on what they can probably tell us. Whether it's just about Sonic's fur or Shadow's taste for coffee, or even about the Super Transformations and the relationships between the characters. They are Semi-Canons. They are information that adds to our knowledge as fans, but they are not necessarily real, like Sonic breaking the fourth wall. As a fandom, we have to know how to separate some things! That's what makes the Sonic universe unique. Everything can be considered more clues to add to the franchise, but we need to know how to understand the reasons and whys behind it!
Conclusion
I still hope that if Sonic '06 gets a remake, they'll do a good redemption of it, because it deserves it! And who knows, maybe we'll see more of it in the future?
If you want to comment, feel free, this is an open field for that discussion. Just keep it respectful and friendly! I'd love to read and participate too!
Thank you very much for reading! Sorry for the bad English... Stay determined! 🤍
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Still haven't messaged my mom back. And I don't think I'm going to.
#you know how they say time makes you look on the past with nostalgia and that's why elderly people think so fondly of past decades? not me#there are moments I look back on with nostalgia sure but the overwhelming feeling of looking back on my childhood is just whatever I do#wherever I go whatever happens that will not be my life again. my memory is long I made a promise to myself I intend to keep I don't forget#support you having your grandkids if their mother is deemed unfit yes. take the older two myself if it comes to it yes. move provinces to#live with you to look after the five of them together where you would be my only adult connection and there's a language barrier and I have#no work history and I'd be between five hours and nine hours away from any other connection I have answer's an absolute fucking no. I've#seen how you are with my sister how you were with my brother. who do you think they call when they've had enough of you? do you not#remember most of the beatings I took was because I was standing between you and my brother? of course not because according to you you#never did beat me but if you think I'm not aware that would turn on me again the second I'm no longer distant and just visiting if you#think you'd find nothing to complain about because you've built up this golden child ideal of me in your head and want to forget how it was#when I was actually in your care you are very very wrong. I remember. I know that inconveniences a lot of people who want to forget#unpleasant things about themselves. me too to be honest I have memories I wish I could erase but I can't especially with regard to my#sister. I defended my brother but not her. not enough. and it's probably why I give so much to her now more than I should because it's#enabling but it is what it is I guess. I won't use my memories against anyone just for the sake of it but I absolutely fucking will#to protect myself or others. you want a redemption arc without admitting to anything? keep being patient and kind towards#your grandchildren even if you end up having to take them and if you can't do it for all five of them then accept that it's better for the#older two to be with me. that's it. those are your options: the older two are with me so you only have to look after the younger three or#you need to buckle down and learn from your past mistakes to look after the five of them and all that is *if it even comes to that* which#as things are it's not in danger of that! it was a regular fucking visit to monitor the situation that's all; they're not getting taken#literally every time she freaks out about something it's a 50/50 chance it's actually something or she's invented a completely#twisted version of events
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.
#I don't know how to do this#I don't know how to fucking do this#I had a fucking Hours long crying breakdown after my parents left today#bc i'll never be fucking good enough for them#but if I say anything then we're acknowledging it and maybe it's better to not acknowledge it#maybe we just go back to ignoring the distance#if I say anything then I’m the bad guy again#I don't want to have to do this I don't want to have to keep being the one who steps forward first#I just want to stop trying and let it be what it is and let it hurt in a dull distant way#i've started crying again just from thinking about it#and I don't cry. I haven't cried more than like a light sniffle in three years until today#(bc of antidepressants)#I don't know what to do#I don't want to make it worse I don't want to hurt her feelings I don't want to be the one that starts shit#and I knoowwww I’m gaslighting myself bc she trained me to do this and I Cannot ignore the. two hour bathtub sob#but god what if I *am* the problem what if I *am* instigating and actually we had a good day#what if I’m expecting too much from her and this is better so maybe this is as good as it gets#do I bear it? do I bear it because she can't?#I know it's not fair and I know i'm hurting but maybe that's better than her hurting#do I just carry it for both of us?#I’m not a kid anymore I don't have that excuse#maybe this is womanhood. carrying it so your mother doesn't have to#she's carrying it for my grandmother. maybe this is just it.#I don't know. I don't know what to do.#I’m so fucking tired and it hurts#whatever.#vent#sad kids with bad moms club
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okay ventpost time im bored and my period is late
#my mother is leaving AGAIN#to stay with my father#bhai mujhe nahi rehna akele i don't want to parent my brother#i don't want to cook or stress about what to eat and clothes and laundry and literally buying vegetables every few days#well all these things are just surface level but i REALLYYYYY do not want to live alone with my thoughts#i want to study i can't just study on my phone with no adult mere sarr pe khade hoke asking ki itna tv#kyu dekh rahi hai kya hua class kyu nahi attend kari#kar liya try bhai call me immature and childish and pathetic and dependent and undisciplined whatever but mere bas ki baat nahi hai#also ooooh listen to my moms great solution: she'll stay there and dad will come!! to live with us two!! alone!! haha.#it's sk fucking sad and repetitively traumatizing ki i don't even know how to react#my sister is the only kid both my parents like when she stays home things are mostly calm and happy#they dote on her they tolerate us#and they should i love her too but now i feel like crying because i don't want her to stay back just for me??? my stupid mental health??#she's doing enough by staying here till rakhi just because i asked her begged her to not leave me alone mami ke side#she could've fucked off and gone to live her life 10 days ago#it's not fair#the person i love and want to live with.. if she stays she's miserable and her being miserable mskes me miserable#i just. i miss her so much. she already feels so distant and busy and then she'll go abroad and totally forget about me right#who doesn't need all this constant depression holding you back weighing you down when you're living your best life#i hate that there's no solution i just have to grow up and be okay with it#i already got more time with her than i thought she stayed home like 2 years extra cause of covid#3 actually#ab why am i crying it was a good day#also i don't want to make it all about me but like. idk when i was picturing my adult life i was thinking like#night clubs and gay bars and beaches at night#i never factored in real factors like the horrifying fucking country we live in 💀💀#it's just it was the only thing that kept me going the promise of a better future#but now what.#and like#it's feels so stupid now the fact that i sometimes want to like
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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#i don't normally post stuff like that here but i need a place where i can just vent within it being seen by those people#anyway ok i just wish my friends were my friends more alsksjdj#i see ppl with their best friends how they talk about them what they do together and it just makes me sad#bc i want to have someone like that to do stuff and be silly with and talk and just hang out and i miss my best friend#bc we don't do that anymore#we've barely seen each other last year and when we do it's always just briefly and we never get to talk about deeper themes#some things i'm desperate to talk to her about and we've always done that but now she never has time for me#it feels like I've been replaced by her gf and they're doing everything together and i guess that's what you do you abandon your friends#no I'm not bitter or jealous. at least I'm trying not to be#she also has other friends a different group from uni that I've never met and i see she's having fun with them#and i don't have any of that and I really want to have a group of friends i just can't seem to find any#and we also barely even text anymore. sometimes i reach out and then it can take over a day for her to answer and it just feels shitty#ik she has her reasons and she's not doing it bc she doesn't want to talk or doesn't like me lol but it sucks that we can't even text#and i can't help but wonder if she does that to other people or if she's texting her gf right away and ughhhh#she feels so distant but i don't want that. i don't want us to be like that#i only have two real good friends that I've known forever and my other friend also sucks at reaching out and has her bf and friends#who i know but i'm also not really a part of that group. so basically i never see my friends and i feel fucking lonely woohoo nothing new#i want to have friends who reach out and just casually text me and i can tell them about my day and i see them at least once a week#and we can just hang out and have fun and god i sound so pathetic i don't even have that#somehow i missed the call where everyone started having their group of adult friends and a romantic partner and I'm still stuck#everyone just kind of has their own lives and I'm not a part of it#it just hit me again today i literally had a dream i met a bunch of people and we were having fun and it reminded me of how lonely i am lol#*without it being seen wow great typo in the first sentence that i can't change now#anyway i wish there were songs about this particular situation that i could listen to and be emo but i can't find any rip
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I gotta say, it took me a bit to really get into Rune Factory 3 (in fact when I first got the game and tried it out I quit after like two hours and didn't touch it for a few months just because the gameplay was a bit janky and it was missing some quality-of-life stuff I was used to having in 4 and 5 and I got really frustrated), but on my second foray into the game it really sucked me in. I might even like the story and especially the romance aspect better than the other games.
I really appreciate that the romance is a forced part of the narrative; you literally can't access the final dungeon and beat the game until you pick a girl to marry. And BECAUSE of that, this game went hard on actually developing the girls and giving you ample time to spend with them. The request system basically functions as a "route" for each girl, and while I've only completed (9/9 one-time quests done) a few of them (Raven, Daria, Marian) I've really enjoyed everything thus far and felt the relationships develop from strangers to friends to love.
And unlike 4 and 5 where I have clear favorites in terms of who to marry, I honestly don't know who I'm going to pick yet. The only girls I'm NOT particularly interested in are Carmen, Colette, and Kuruna. All the other girls are great and I'd be happy to marry any of them, though I AM leaning towards Raven, Marian, or Sakuya (who I WOULD have completed already if not for some of her events being locked behind plot progression...).
#rune factory#rf3#i find it funny that my top contenders are raven and marian. who is about as polar opposite of her as possible#literally what is my type. i've never been able to nail it down.#i will say i typically DON'T care for raven's 'type' - the distant/aloof girl.#but i think the writing for her as a character and her relationship with micah is EXTREMELY SOLID#one of my favorite moments thus far was her request where we go to oddward valley to mine ore together#and gaius catches us and it's CLEAR that they don't actually need ore. she's using it as an excuse to hang out with micah.#and gaius knows this. and raven knows that gaius knows this. but like a true bro he lets the lie go and just expects her to pay him back#with his favorite meal. i also might be partial to raven because it feels like micah DEFINITELY likes her in her requests#whereas some 'routes' are more slapstick/comedic or only highlight the girl's feelings... he's clearly into raven.#whole lot of mutual blushing and him WANTING to talk and hang out with her.#that said i'm not fully committed to marrying raven just yet. i still have to finish karina and sofia to be sure about my feelings for them#and marian is the biggest other contender. i love her design and personality. the fact that she directly confessed is WILD#and not even at the end of her 'route'! she had a few requests/scenes to go! so the looming specter of her feelings is just. there.#and while technically it's up to the player from a watsonian standpoint i find it Significant that micah still hangs out with her#and helps her after that confession. he still wants to be around her. even if he hasn't vocalized or directly reciprocated any feelings.#as for sakuya she was my early game fave. i was really digging her. and i like what i've seen of her route#but it's frustrating that i'll have to wait and delay my progress a bit if i want to pick her#and from an in-game perspective it's like she and micah had a falling out in that they hung out a lot at first...#but now they've drifted apart and he's gotten REALLY close to a bunch of other girls#so it's like. maybe she missed her chance? i dunno.
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i just want to stop feeling suicidal so constantly and i want to stop having my paranoia spirals and i want to have peaceful sleeps without night terrors and i want to feel safe in my body and in my own space and i want to eat and i want to not be so overwhelmed by my psychosis and i want to be over everything that kennedy did to me but i also really wish i could contact him again so i could deck him in the fucking face and then i call c and ask her what the fuck why the fuck did she do that and beg beg beg my family to leave the church that is so clearly harming them and dooming them to tragedies.... and so on...
#why did i write about that pregnancy why did i use my abuse for an assignment why did i delve into these memories such a mistake#whenever i remember it happened im like oh my god i could have had a 9 year old maybe i did want to be a mother#maybe i am suffering now bc i was supposed to be doomed to the same narrative like most women in my community#like maybe it was a fluke that i got here bc i don't fit in i hate myself so much i feel like everyone hates me and wants me dead and gone#if i knew any of their numbers still i would ask for ativan again i cannot fucking sleep my anxiety is never ending#i cannot tolerate the weight of the emotions i want to be numb i want to be high i want to be dissociated again#i broke out of my constant dissociation and now im here and i can feel my feet on the ground and i am living pov and it hurts so bad#i want to be in the arms of my best friend i want to be on her floor stroking the fuzzy carpet while we eat penne together#ever since she came back into my life i am so happy i have that anchor again but oh my god it makes me realize how distant i am from everyo#and how little i trust#i also miss my other best friend that i never get to see but i want to hug them tightly and we never have enough time w each other but ever#moment is so vivid and strong and they make me feel so alive and aware of the world we are in and its such a blessing that they decided to#talk to me the day they did and the friendship that came after like idk#i dont have many close friends but oh god the few i have i love th#them so much and they make life worth living but ugh yeah im fighting voices and spirals and theres a lot happening inside#ill be fine i have a lot of feelings my life is nonstop chaotic bc i have 5 bpd/bipolar women in my family and all emotionally absent men a#and our narratives weave together so close so tightly i cannot separate myself but i want to but can i? do i want to?#ezra.txt
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