#<- that is but one example of a consistent pattern of mental/emotional abuse i endured. my mother was heavily enmeshed with me

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going through this schema therapy pdf and relating so hard

[medranochav]

my moms been living with us for 4 months now. her stay was initially tolerable but is now triggering and I find myself regressing in a lot of ways. Her grief has evolved into torment and per her m.o. she'd like for her issues to take first priority. Except, my sis and I are grown now, and as a therapised household (literally we've all been in counseling, babies included) though we still lean on each other for support, we ultimately don't function codependently.

And beeecause that's not how we grew up, I think my mother is now having to contend with the reality that she has to do the emotional work of surviving her many traumas (and currently her many dramas) on her own. We support her but we can't fix it for her.

Currently, it's a crisis a day and she's spiraling into mini catastrophic states everytime. Which was sufferable at first because despite my labored support, I still maintained my boundaries and didn't adopt her distress as my own. The problem now is the increasing frequency with which these crying spells are taking place. Not to mention the fact that she's been doing so in front of the kids; something that would normally be acceptable because my sis and I make space for feelings (even our own) in our home. The difference being, we do so responsibly. We listen, we talk, give affection and/or space but always with the fundamental knowledge that our emotions belong to us individually and only we can be accountable for them. A gentle reminder that though part of a unit, they still have agency and accountability.

This interdependency makes way for a more compassionate exchange. Whenever they see us cry or be vunerable, the kids have the wherewithal to approach us without attaching themselves to our emotional circumstance. It's an empathy that perceives our emotional reactions as relatable but still not their responsibility. I've seen our work proven time and time again.

One example is when my sister's [redacted] died and the boys spotted her crying on the couch. Without being prompted, they approached her independently, commiserated, hugged and kissed her and shortly after went back to playing on their electronics. It was such a graceful display of emotional validation that demonstrated their love for her without sacrificing their own desires in doing so. Truly remarkable, that at ages 5-8 they maintained boundaries while still being there for their mom.

They're also there for one another but it's seldom a sinking ship. And when emotional support is rejected they respect that as well, without taking it personally [tbh that has more to do with concepts of mandatory consent that we impart on them, but as is evident, it applies. #intersectionality] It's an ongoing practice that I'm proud to be a part of, considering the kids have codependent figureheads in both their maternal and paternal families. WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK CYCLES HERE.

Yes, our home is a safe space for emotional processing but always leveraged with the emotional balance of self reliance, awareness and resiliency. The kids have proven to have the capacity for this and through teaching them, so do we.

It's human to have outbursts, but my mother's pattern is proving to be less intrinsic and more deliberate. She needs an audience in order to experience catharsis. A potentially reasonable behavior except for it's her only one. So it's imbalanced and seeks refuge in the reliance of our total empathy.

Furthermore she's disingenuous in her emotional performances. When approached out of concern, she responds with the proverbial, "I'm ok." Like, its subtle but super manipulative to say that, when we can CLEARLY see she's not. The kids see and hear her, the least she could do is not gaslight them. And I'm not saying her tactics are successful but it exposes the bby's to unnecessary dysfunction and covertly teaches them to assume the responsibility of communicating her emotion for her. She's also non verbal and unpredictable and tho not at her best rn [like, literally who is? this year has wrecked us all] she and we deserve proper communication.

The mind games are soul sucking and triggering for me in a way that is not for my sister. Though we share a mother, the repective versions of her that we experienced as children differ greatly.

My sister's the eldest and spent the first couple years of her life as the only child to a very young mother living alone in America after being displaced by the civil unrest in her native El Salvador. By age 3, with the addition of a new baby sister (my moms 2nd) she was sent to a country fully at war. My sisters would spend the next half decade of their lives in sunny wartorn tropics, watched over and raised by our family of four women. A blissful antithesis to their future with our mom. Upon the return to their forgotten country of origin (USA) and severed from the only family and community they've ever known, the girls were whisked away by a mother they barely remembered and a baby brother they had never met... marking the beginning of my mom's descent into single motherhood.

My mom resented having a brood of kids, namely her 2nd and 3rd, who's father was abusive and absent. Don't know much of the facts outside of what she would ritualistically berate my siblings about during her brutal tantrums -as if it were their fault they simply existed. The second born, my other sister, left home at 12 and has been estranged ever since and the third, my brother, has recently severed bonds abruptly claiming a new life with a woman he's known barely a year yet now calls wife. Proving that despite being raised by the same woman we all had different mothers.

Since my siblings endured a childhood with a volatile, violent woman who managed her emotions thru physical abuse... when she wasn't, she was neglectful of them, turning her attention onto me... the youngest (four years removed from the rest of the pack). I bore witness to said abuse until I was 5, when it was litigiously exposed, forcing her to abandon corporal punishment and rely solely on mental/emotional abuse. That's the version of my mom I got.

I was 10 when my sister left for college. Just my brother and I remained. Similarly to each other we both lived in service to our mother. Whereas his duties were more physically laborious, mine consisted of full on emotional labor. I spent most of my childhood navigating a homelife that was so saturated and occupied by my mother's opera of a life, that there was no room for my feelings, thoughts, desires or identity. I was her plaything, a person sans agency. My age and vulnerability proved advantagous when grooming me. I learned to behave in ways satisfactory to her needs. I was made to react to (and collect) her emotional distress, endorse her judgements of others, perform well in school as a testament to her rearing, and accept her violations of me as normal. I was a shackled spectator, whose own emotions were mere reflections of her dramatizations. I was tailored to be the MOST convenient. So I kept secrets and coped alone. I knew just enough abt myself to remain human but lacked the vision to actualize it. And because emotional abuse is so insidious in its indoctrination, I was really none the wiser until I too moved away years later.

I'm almost 30 now and I'm a mess. I can't establish enduring relationships, I'm fat, I'm broke, I'm debilitatingly avoidant, socially inept, codependent, confused and lack significant self worth. I spent the past decade delving deep into undoing all the work done to me to keep me a reliable supply for my mother and coming to terms with all the time lost in doing so. I've had glimpses and proof of another life but this year sent me back to old coping mechanisms and devastatingly familiar relationships. I read that by its very nature, all pandemics have to end and I thought I was strong enough to share a definite time&space with my abuser for the foreseeable future.... but with no end in sight, I kind of really wish I had established a clearer version of myself and where I stand in this family, to her.

Similar predicaments flung us both to the south and having her here is like a screen forging images of the same dysfunction I exhibited upon my arrival 7 years ago. There's so much I wish I could tell my former self, namely, "it's not your fault. you're not alone. you don't have to try so hard and tomorrow is another day" And perhapz it's this layered vision of myself as seen thru her that compels me to want to save her, but doing so requires me to get too close to a flame I've yet to extinguish. Im not foundationally sound enough to go up in flames and rebuild afterwards, I need a few more rounds of therapy for all that. I'm a stitch away from coming apart at the seams. Weak construction, but I'm still standing. I have more life to live and can't risk the breeze of my mother's chaotic whims to topple what's taken years to forge. I love her, because she's the only mom I got and because she's the kids' only access to our motherland. How can I reconcile this version of me with this version of her?

[barbicha-imaginaria]

The cycle of Villanelle: an essay

In this essay, I will delve into Villanelle’s mental state and study the cyclical patterns of behavior that she seems to exhibit in relation to the emotional attachments she forms. All information taken from the show will focus on Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s version of Killing Eve (the first season), to maintain coherence. I will also consider events in Villanelle’s past that are uncovered in later seasons, as it has been stated several times that PWB already had Villanelle’s backstory defined and so it is likely that she contributed her vision to the events of, for example, S03E05.

“I know you’re a psychopath” - definition of psychopathy

First of all, a disclaimer: mental disorders are not neatly compartmentalized things, where someone is diagnosed when they fit every single criterium. These disorders manifest differently in each person, and often combine (for example, there are several disorders that increase the likelihood of developing anxiety) to form a set of symptoms that will resemble the “ideal” profile of a disorder but usually deviate in one way or another. This is why a diagnosis typically occurs when at least a certain number of the total symptoms is present, rather than only when they all occur. This is not a deviation from how the disorder manifests, but rather one of the many ways in which it can manifest.

This is particularly evident in the case of personality disorders, characterized by enduring maladaptive patterns of behavior, cognition, and inner experience, exhibited across many contexts and deviating from those accepted by the individual's culture. You will notice that there is a large internal component to this, a necessary internal logic, coherent to the individual but not consistent with social norms, which will of course be very difficult to define objectively by an external observer.

Psychopathy, which would be such a personality disorder, is not an actual diagnosis sanctioned by any psychiatric or psychological organization. In the DSM, we have its counterpart in antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), whose criteria for diagnosis focus more on behaviors than personality traits, as the former are easier to identify objectively. ASPD is characterized by a long-term pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others, a low moral sense or conscience, as well as a history of crime, legal problems, or impulsive and aggressive behavior. It seems pretty clear that Villanelle would perfectly fit this profile.

As psychopathy isn’t an actual diagnosis, we find that its definition is subjective and in fact, there are several different tests, checklists and definitions for it. One particularly interesting definition in this case is the separation of primary and secondary psychopaths. Taken directly from Wikipedia, and based on the paper [Vaughn, M. G., Edens, J. F., Howard, M. O., & Smith, S. T. (2009). An Investigation of Primary and Secondary Psychopathy in a Statewide Sample of Incarcerated Youth. Youth Violence and Juvenile Justice, 7(3), 172–188]

The subtype known as "primary" psychopathy refers to individuals who are completely rational, lack anxiety and have high levels of interpersonal charm. Whilst these behaviours appear incredibly adaptive, primary psychopaths are also prone to dysfunctional and pathological traits such as an inability to learn from past mistakes and a lack of responsibility

"Secondary" psychopaths are individuals not dissimilar to primary psychopaths in the sense that they still share many of the same characteristics and traits. However, unlike the primary psychopath, the secondary psychopath is more likely to suffer from intense emotional arousal and psychological issues. As well as this, research conducted on adult psychopaths has suggested that secondary psychopaths are more prone participate in drug abuse, suicide and interpersonal aggression. Overall, what differentiates secondary psychopaths from primary psychopaths is their destructive behaviour as well an increased reactivity and impulsivity and an inability to control their emotions effectively.

Recalling that Villanelle is a fictional character and we can assume a certain leeway to her characterization in the name of entertainment, as well as the vague nature of all psychopathy diagnoses that has been established, we can arrive at a tentative description: Villanelle is mainly a primary psychopath, with diminished emotional reactions and a comfortable, stable personality, but a secondary psychopath pattern of behavior can be triggered by specific conditions. These triggers are studied in the next section.

“I know something happened to you” - timeline of Oksana / Villanelle

Based on the information given to us over the course of the show (under the conditions mentioned in the introduction above), we can establish a timeline for Oksana’s (and later, Villanelle’s) life.

1) Early childhood

Spent with parents and brother. Clearly already exhibited traits of psychopathy, as evidenced several times in S03E05. 

Tatiana (mother): “The orphanage phone me and say… you burn place down.”

Oksana: “Why didn’t you leave [Pyotr at the orphanage]? All he did was cry.”

Pyotr (brother): “Look, Oksana. You punching me in face.” 

Showed no affection for her mother or brother, but seemed attached to her father.

P: “What was he like?” O: “Funny. Strong. Taught me how to fight. He was much better.” P: “Than what?” O: “She was mean.” P: “You were mean.” O: “You were annoying.”

Villanelle believes she had a good relationship with her father, but her mother saw it differently.

T: “You took everything from me. You took him. You could control him. He would do anything for you because you had a darkness! (...) He thought you would do something to us.” 

O: “You are the darkness. You have always been the darkness. He wasn't scared of me. He was sick of you.” 

Seems to have been left in an orphanage by her mother after her father left the family in some way. Her brother believes that he died, but it is never mentioned how. In S01E07, Anna mentions that “Her mother was dead. Her father was a drunk”, which suggests he never died but rather became an alcoholic and left the family, but in S02E08, Villanelle says that her family "are all dead". In the orphanage, she was later told the rest of her family died. 

2) Adolescence

Spent the next years getting into trouble with the authorities. Arrest sheet (seen in S01E05) shows that she was in a juvenile delinquents centre, 2001-2006 (ages 8-13). After this, she entered the school where Anna taught. Their history is revealed mainly in S01E07 and S01E08

Anna: “We were told a new student was coming. History of violence. Antisocial behavior. (...) She arrived at the school and… everyone stepped back. Everyone. So I stepped forward. Extra time. Extra lessons. Extra love.”

Oksana exhibited typical manipulative behavior in getting more and more attention from Anna, moving on to demanding time alone with her and becoming jealous of her husband, who was seen as a rival for Anna’s affection. 

Eve: “This... isn't "a few" letters, Anna. This is…” Anna: “She had a... fixation.”

A: “Well, then she wanted more lessons after school. She was good at making you feel bad, so she was here a lot. And it was clear that she didn't like Max, but I thought it was because she didn't trust men.”

A: “No, but she sent me gifts. Clothes, perfume. She must have stolen them. Expensive French designers.”

Anna presents this as one-sided fixation in her conversation with Eve in S01E07.

A: “He said he was aware of my relationship with Oksana - she had been spinning lies again.”

E: “Did you ever have sex with Oksana?” A: “No!”

However, in her confrontation with Villanelle in S01E08 it becomes clear that the feelings were reciprocated in some way.

Villanelle: “The best sex we ever had was on that chair.”

Irina: “Did you two use to go out?” V&A: “She seduced me.”

Eventually, Oksana removed the obstacle in their relationship, Anna’s husband, by castrating and killing him. She expected this to be taken well, but it naturally led Anna to turn on her and she was arrested.

Anna: “There were balloons everywhere and a huge cake, and she was jumping around and... then she showed me what she had done. And she said it like it was a good thing. I went mad. I told her she was evil and crazy and... and then she was picked up by the police... and arrested.”

3) Rebirth as Villanelle

After 3 years in jail, Oksana was recruited by Konstantin to work for the Twelve (revealed by Nadia in S01E06). The organization faked her death and she moved to Paris to work as the assassin Villanelle. Konstantin became her handler, the only person with whom she had a continued relationship. This seems to have created a sort of attachment that differs from the usual fixation by being much less intense, becoming rather the psychopath’s version of a friendship.

In the course of her work, Villanelle met Eve. At first, her obsession with her seems caused by transference: her hair, very similar to Anna’s, caused the woman to fixate, as seen in S01E02.

Jerome: “So, Villanelle... [in Russian] Do you still have dreams about Anna?” Villanelle: (distressed) “That’s not Anna.”

As Eve is revealed to be in charge of the task force devoted to finding her, Villanelle became more interested, and over the course of Season 1, Eve’s actions further fueled her fixation. Eve clearly admired her, wanted to become closer to her and was able to surprise and challenge her. This both fed her ego and maintained her interest.

The season comes to a close with their confrontation in Villanelle’s Paris apartment. When Villanelle was certain that she had drawn in Eve, as she did with previous fixations, she was instead stabbed in the stomach. In a rage, she fired her gun at Eve then ran away.

“I think about you too” - Villanelle and emotional attachment

Circling back to the first section, where we established that there are certain triggers that lead Villanelle to a more emotional and unstable psychopathic profile, the timeline of the previous section seems to establish quite clearly that these triggers are the rare emotional attachments she forms: to her father, to Anna and then to Eve. These attachments take the form of a deep and obsessive fixation, which is still marked by lack of remorse or empathy, but which causes her to feel emotions deeply.

Either because the emotions are indeed felt to an extreme, or because she is simply not experienced with emotions and thus is easily overwhelmed, anything she feels due to these attachments is felt too intensely too ignore or process healthily, and in this way, she comes closer to the behavior of an extreme narcissist, in that she considers herself and her feelings as the most important thing at all times. This can also lead to a feeling of insecurity in the relationship, or like she isn't getting what she deserves, a fair treatment. Because she still lacks empathy and remorse, she will lack intrinsic motivation to make her attachment happy, and will only try to do so when not distracted by her own wants and desires in the relationship. She will also usually act from her own perspective, rather than try to think of what the other would want. 

Actions which a neurotypical individual clearly sees as wrong and to be avoidable, on one level because it would hurt their partner, and on another because it is simply not ethical, seem perfectly fine to her if motivated by her own internal logic. For example, hurting the members of the family that she doesn’t care about or forcing them away so that they won’t compete for her father’s attention, stealing expensive clothing to offer it as a gift, killing Anna’s husband or Eve’s partner Bill. Not only is she not bothered by guilt or remorse over it, she most likely sees nothing wrong with it in the first place: if she is as important to her attachments as they are to her, they won’t have a problem with her actions, as they only serve to deepen their bond. If her attachments react negatively, due to concern for other people, she will be hurt and betrayed, and feel that her deep feelings are not returned.

In this way, Villanelle is indeed capable of feelings, and of being hurt and even crying, but she will most likely never make a healthy partner, and will have no problem engaging in toxic and manipulative behaviors if they are in line with her goals. 

“I really liked you” - the cycle of Villanelle

Now looking back on her past relationships with her father and Anna, we find a common evolution in all of them: Villanelle develops an interest, which is returned. Her obsessive attachment grows, which puts a strain on the relationship. She is possessive, needs all her gestures of affection to be appreciated and returned. At some point she crosses a line which pushes the other away, and on both cases this leads to her being forcefully separated from them. 

This creates in her mind a narrative that the people she loves disappoint or betray her, so that every time she opens her heart, it leads to heartbreak. Add to that the fact that she gets no closure (or, more likely, revenge) and you get someone who is very volatile around love, liable to explode at any rejection, but also insecure from past experiences and thus more likely to see something as rejection.

Part of Oksana's rebirth as Villanelle, which marked her escape from her troubled past and transition to a life where she is in control and wants for nothing, was to bury the part of herself that “fell in love”. Oksana was fragile and Villanelle is not, and this is one of the ways in which Villanelle wants to manifest that. In the terms we use in this essay, she wants to fully become a primary psychopath, finding refuge in the stability of that unemotional mindspace. 

Unfortunately for Villanelle, she does not actually have control over which facet of her psychopathy manifests. Thus, when her attachment to Anna (never resolved, as mentioned above) transfers to Eve and is then reinforced through several interactions and encounters, Villanelle doesn't really seem capable of or interested in resisting. Rather, due to Eve's particularly reckless behavior, she is more encouraged than ever before, and will easily be given to believe that Eve will be "different" - a belief that the audience is more and more likely to share as the season progresses and especially towards the end of S01E08.

The end of Season 1 completes the cycle of Villanelle's emotional connections by having Eve do the same as her past attachments: betray her. As they come to a moment of intimacy, where Villanelle has let her guard down, Eve stabs her. The shock of the rejection is compounded with past experience and trauma to create an instant and intense feeling of betrayal that does not allow for any form of reasoning or further processing. Thus, it makes perfect sense that Villanelle would then revolt against her, try to shoot her, and finally run away, regardless of the fact that Eve immediately regrets her actions and tries to help her. 

“I want to kill her” - the aftermath

The case of Eve has one crucial difference from those of Villanelle’s father and of Anna. As mentioned in the previous section, in both cases, Villanelle’s attachment was forcefully ended and she was immediately removed from the situation. She has never been able to avenge herself of the wrongdoing she suffered, or come to terms with the situation in any way. She claims to move on, and later on seems perfectly capable of killing Anna, saying that she no longer loves her, but it is more likely that she has simply internalized both rejections rather than processed them.

In this case, breaking the pattern, she has not been taken from Eve and Eve has not been taken from her. She can get her closure as soon as she is recovered. This would be a way to step away from her cycle of emotional attachment and possibly set free some hangup in Villanelle's mind that has lingered since her childhood, and so it is very probable that Villanelle herself would latch on to the idea. In addition to the desire for revenge naturally originating from Eve’s betrayal, which would most likely be enough to make her fixate on returning to Eve, there would also be the desire for recovery, fueled by the belief that she can become a better version of herself (more Villanelle-like, less Oksana-like) by going through the ritual of closure, not only from Eve, but from all past rejections.

This leads us to the final conclusion of this essay. At the end of Season 1, we are at the final and lowest point of Villanelle’s cycle, and through analysis of the character of Villanelle, find a strong prediction for how she would behave in the aftermath: to seek revenge as soon as possible, almost as a fixation, due to past trauma on the subject. The way in which this revenge is sought would define Villanelle’s trajectory for the rest of her life, determining in one way or another the end to the pattern of behavior and experiences that has marked her first 25 years.

In this way, the narrative followed in Season 2 becomes unsatisfying in two ways: its beginning and its end. 

The beginning: Villanelle does not desire revenge, but instead believes that Eve hurt her because she loves her. This deviates from a pattern of 25 years for no evident reason, and thus seems to hinge on a lack of internal consistency of the character of Villanelle. However, we have established that even someone with a personality disorder will show this consistency, although in a way that isn’t compatible with the outside world. Psychopaths are not erratic, and would not change their minds on something as fundamental to their development, and a belief so emotionally charged, unless they were significantly challenged.

The end: As the season progresses, Eve and Villanelle are pulled tighter and tighter together, until the explosive finale, when Villanelle opens up in a moment of vulnerability and Eve rejects her. Then, she does seek revenge as soon as possible, by shooting Eve. You will notice that, thematically, this is the exact same progression as the end of Season 1. Inevitably, the viewer is left with the feeling that the showrunner simply ran the plot line of Season 2 through a loop to finish the season at the same point as it started, in order to avoid having to deal with the fallout of such a confrontation.

[semirahrose]

I hear some people are accusing Sam and Cas of abusing Dean to get him to do what they wanted, what do you think about that?

 My reaction: Utter befuddlement.

(gif credit: sebstans)

I haven’t seen the latest episodes, so I can’t go in and take a critical look at whatever supposedly “abusive” behaviors Sam and Cas are displaying, but I’m gonna guess—as has been the pattern for a long while now—that one or both of them vehemently expressed their disagreement with Dean’s plan, probably more than once. They were probably sad. They might have even *gasp* shown their emotions. (How very dare they) And Sam punched Dean. ** Not something I’m comfortable with, to be honest, but that’s personal and is neither here nor there.

Part of why I love Sam so much is this: as much as he can, to the very limits of his endurance, he tries to trust in people and respect their decisions. He is (despite his lack of faith in himself) slow to wrath—or at least outward expressions of wrath. He is calm, and he is faithful, sometimes even to his own detriment. (Sam has never been able to deal well with losing Dean, though. That’s a long established canon fact.)

But: 

Not being able to pretend everything is all right is not abuse. Telling a person (even repeatedly, even convincingly) that you really don’t want them to do something is not abuse. People are allowed to have emotions and reactions that do not mesh with my own. Wanting something or even needing something  and showing you need it is not abuse.

Being broken, unstable, or on uncertain footing is not abuse. Needing and seeking support is not abuse. Needing and seeking support even when the person you are seeking support from is, himself, broken and in need of support you are unable to provide is not abuse. It’s tragic, but it’s not, by any stretch of the imagination, abusive.

Hitting a person is not abuse. Here’s where it gets sticky. Hitting a person is violence. It is not a healthy response and should never be encouraged. But abuse, by its very definition, is more than violence. Abuse requires a pattern (whether of violence or of financial, emotional, and/or social control) that is enacted specifically to achieve a desired result: to put the abused person under the abuser’s control. 

(Under a cut because this gets long and no one should have to deal with my disconnected rambling unless they wish to. Analysis below of whether Sam [and Cas, to the best of my limited knowledge and ability, since he’s unfortunately not part of my hyperfocus] meet the criteria. tl;dr they don’t)

So. A pattern. And an unequal dynamic. 

A pattern?

Sam is very, very rarely violent when he is in control of his actions (i.e. not possessed or under the influence of a supernatural substance). The instances where he has initiated physical violence in all 14 seasons can be counted on one hand. It does not create any real sort of pattern. 

I could talk for a long time about how Castiel’s occasional violence does not also constitute a pattern of abuse, but though I like him, I haven’t spent as much time poring over his scenes word for word and am not sure how clear it would be, and additionally, it’s a little questionable to expect a being who has been brainwashed and molded for thousands of years to be a perfect soldier to a) understand and b) act in accordance with human relationship dynamics without a lot of trial, error, and patient explanation (which he didn’t get with any consistency from the person whose ideals he clung to when he first appeared [Dean].) I lived abroad in a country whose customs and social expectations were a bit different from my own, and I had the opportunity to do extensive research in advance. I still had pretty intense culture shock and an adjustment period. There were some things I simply couldn’t fully wrap my mind around, and some things I disagreed with. And it was only some thousands of miles of land and ocean that separated us. Arguably, it can’t even be applied to Castiel in those first seasons. Asking him to relearn in days, weeks, or even years things that have been beaten into him over millennia is… ambitious, to say the least, and something that needs to be considered in any nuanced analysis.

Then the show humanized Cas. It made him make some well-intentioned mistakes while trying to seek a leader and do what he believed to be good for his family…the family he has grown up with, again, for millennia. The show took away his powers, his memories, his sanity. But it did not change his role. Castiel’s arcs over the season have specifically emphasized his discomfort and inexperience with being perceived as a leader. When he was unstable after having taken on Sam’s overflowing trauma from his broken hell wall, he was very much not in a position of power, and… if anyone was being abusive, it wasn’t Cas.

But perhaps people are talking about emotional/psychological abuse? Again, both Cas and Sam have expressed desires and tried to explain differing positions from Dean and have been under powerful supernatural influence (the Siren, demon blood, Leviathan, etc), and have made decisions on their own without seeking Dean’s permission—and, oops, that just highlighted our second criterion.

An unequal dynamic (specifically, abuser in a position of power).

Neither Sam nor Castiel is in a position of power over Dean. Only in season 11 did Sam and Dean’s dynamic start to level out a bit. The big struggle in early seasons, the one that literally carried us to the season 5 finale, was that Dean treated Sam as a kid/subordinate, not as an equal, and Sam felt he needed to seek permission to do anything. Actual quote from “Swan Song” (and I admire this development in Dean so much, even if the later seasons dismantled it):

DEAN: The whole “up with Satan” thing. I’m on board. SAM: You’re gonna let me say yes? DEAN: No. That’s the thing. It’s not on me to let you do anything. You’re a grown – well, overgrown – man. If this is what you want, I’ll back your play. SAM: That’s the last thing I thought you’d ever say. DEAN: Might be. I’m not gonna lie to you, though. It goes against every fiber I got. I mean, truth is… You know, watching out for you… it’s kinda been my job, you know? But more than that, it’s… it’s kinda who I am. You’re not a kid anymore, Sam, and I can’t keep treating you like one. Maybe I got to grow up a little, too. I don’t know if we got a snowball’s chance. But… But I do know that if anybody can do it… it’s you.

Some people will try to claim that Sam is in a position of power because he tried to go to college or because he can leave Dean and (somehow??) holds that over Dean’s head repeatedly (??????????), but if someone is in a position where, for even their own education or mental health, they’re not allowed to be apart from someone or even think about seeking something for themselves, that’s not abuse on the part of the person who seeks separation. And when Sam (young, so young), left for college, the only control he had was his own autonomy, his own two feet that brought him out that door. He was disowned for choosing to do what he needed for himself, after growing up in a family he had a hard time feeling a part of. That’s not abuse on Sam’s part. Maybe Dean did need Sam there beside him. But doing something for his own mental health and personal growth is not abuse by any stretch of the imagination. I call that courage.

The same goes for Castiel, especially considering that, despite his greater physical strength (when he was a fully-powered angel), he still tends mostly to act as if he is a subordinate or inferior, possibly from the millennia during which he was a soldier in a garrison: he was looking for a leader, a superior officer, even when he left. He found Dean.

“But what about when Sam and Cas do things behind Dean’s back??” Some people might ask. Again, I feel like (especially in the case of the Mark, where, due to its powerful influence, Dean was significantly altered and violent/controlling) if characters are so afraid to seek permission/understanding that they fear that they have to do something completely in secret… that just…. that’s not evidence that these people scurrying around in breathless terror are somehow the ones in a position of power?? Quite the opposite, I’d say. I mean, MoC!Dean literally said they weren’t a team; it was a dictatorship.

I’m sorry there are so few examples. Honestly, I could go on for hours and for pages and pages and pages, but I don’t have the time or the brainpower to make that post, so this is what I have. I’m sorry it’s not as complete as it could be or that it doesn’t include examples from s14, since I haven’t seen anything since pretty early in the season.

In short/tl;dr: Sam and Cas neither display a pattern of control nor find themselves consistently in a position of power over Dean. (And I cannot stress enough that Sam trying to seek his own path/seek education/do things for himself does not count as abuse and it disturbs me that people think it does.) 

In fact, the opposite is most often the case: Dean is generally in the role of the leader. Recent seasons have begun to change that dynamic a bit, but neither Sam nor Cas have reversed the dynamic.

** Re: Sam punching Dean:  I understand the circumstances and his reaction makes sense to me, but I’ll be honest: I’m personally uncomfortable with violence as a problem-solving method. So I don’t like that Sam did it, but I understand that both brothers grew up in an environment where less destructive/self-destructive methods were not consistently modeled for them. I understand that there are situations in which people might feel like words are useless and their only recourse is a physical response. I get pain and tragedy and desperation and terror and loss… but it doesn’t mean I’m any more comfortable with it.

[geoffreywalton]

Last Longer Reddit Fascinating Ideas

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How To Recover From Early Ejaculation

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How Long Does It Take To Get Rid Of Premature Ejaculation

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[itsmooglepom-blog]

How I Learned to Not Hate Myself (And Other Women)

I grew up in the 90’s, and like most other millennials, I flourished in a unique and unusual time span also known as “The Age of Technology.” With the revolution of the internet and the explosiveness of the media, it was (and still is) easier than ever to spread thoughts, notions, and ideas.

During my most formative years, I was a huuuuuuuuge “Tomboy.” Imagine: A small girl who fancied video games, comic books, action figures, and computers as opposed to the expected barbies, baby dolls, purses, ponies, and/or anything else obnoxiously pink. Don’t worry- Even as a romp I had my fair share of stuffed animals, too, you can ask my mom. She had a hay day when she finally donated them all to the Salvation Army, believe me. Not many girls were very nice to me when I was in elementary school. The majority of my friends were boys. I saw girls as these mean, catty creatures I didn’t understand. I avoided them and refused to associate myself with them. I was DIFFERENT. Even at a young age, we’re taught to compete. And in this competition, I wanted nothing more than to WIN. Even from as far as I can remember, I didn’t want to be like “other girls.” Being like “other girls” meant you were bland, boring, and outright insufferable. It meant you didn’t have any ideas of your own and you conformed to a predictable stereotype. Girls were seen as weak and incapable. If you did something “like a girl” it was seen as an insult. And, of course, I did not want to be insulted. Why would I want that? I had a lot going for me, I already didn’t like the same things I thought other girls liked, so I was good.  …Right?

These impressions became fundamentally etched into my being. They allowed me to be “The Cool Girl™” and quickly I adopted the moniker of “One of the Guys.” Because, to me, being (like) a guy was way more desirable than identifying as a girl. Sometimes, I would even say things like, “Aren’t you glad I’m not like those other girls? They’d be mad if you said/did xxxxxx thing. But not me.” I was an obelisk of obscurity, a commodity to be coveted.

Latching on to those sentiments was so easy for me. I didn’t have a great history in dealing with other double x chromosomes; it just fit like glove. Throughout junior high and high school, I had a handful of female friends, but only clung to those with similar interests. I recall very distinctly feeling both a sense of jealousy and superiority toward other girls simultaneously. Jealousy because I suffered through unsurmountable insecurity as a teenager, and superiority because I was nestled in the perfect presumption that I would always be better or smarter than them collectively. These were thoughts that existed somewhere deep, down in the darkest reaches of my being only to resurface later in life.

As I got older and matured, I found myself in some questionably abusive relationships. Often, I would agree with their misogynistic tendencies and somehow blame myself for the mistreatment I endured. These types of relationships became a pattern, resulting in a few different things: -Me hitting rock bottom in terms of dealing with my own self-esteem.

-My hatred for other women reaching an all time high.

-The eventual realization of how and why I was wrong all along.

These realizations started in my early twenties. Becoming an adult was exceedingly difficult for me, because I already had so much mental and emotional baggage I lugged with me. Around the age of 22, I started getting over an eating disorder I had been battling. Anorexia was a problem of mine that stretched from my teenage years to my early adulthood. And, admittedly, it’s all because of misogyny.

The magazines, the ads, the books, the posters; every where you looked, there was a thin, beautiful woman in your face. That was desirable. That was what I needed to be. What I needed to maintain. Sometimes, I would eat only a small sandwich and a banana in a day. Other times, I would restrict myself to oatmeal and juice. I kept justifying why I wouldn’t eat to make myself feel better. “Oh, I’ve been so busy with work. I didn’t have time to stop and eat.” I’d be with guy friends and they’d see an overweight woman jogging and it was open season. “Haha. Look at that fatty!” They would cry out, laughing.

I felt a knot in my stomach, it didn’t feel right to judge her. I mean, she was trying! Look, there she is! Making an effort!

“At least she’s running, though!” I replied, vehemently trying to defend her.

“Yeah! Running to go eat a donut, I’m sure.” One of them would bleat. I knew that feeling. I spent endless hours at the gym doing cardio to punish myself for a single cosmic brownie I didn’t have the will power to say no to. I would run and sweat and sweat and run, until my face was numb. Sometimes, I saw double. I remember looking in the mirror, blacking out, and waking up on the floor with a bump on my head. I was so dedicated to confining myself within this small body. I wasn’t allowed to take up space. Eating less and working out more was the answer. My overall health didn’t matter as long as I was “desirable.”

Fitness and gym culture became a large influence on my day to day life. One of my other more prominent epiphanies resulted from a common argument: “Why do girls wear makeup to the gym?” At first, I assumed it’s because they want “attention.” They must be there with a full face of foundation, perfect eyebrows, and contoured cheeks because they NEED constant validation. I mulled it over and realized that my views were a result of internalized misogyny. Not everything women do is a performative action to appeal to men. Women wear makeup for a plethora of different reasons. And the fact that I wanted to knock them for it was simply out of jealousy. I wasn’t brave enough to wear makeup to the gym, nor did I ever look as good as they did while doing it. Why did I even care in the first place? What caused me to be so brash? Why did I want so badly to dislike someone for something so simple? I became honest with myself and the answers flowed in. As a result, more topics of scrutiny  began to arise. Dress codes, for example: I used to think that women should cover themselves as to avoid negative attention from the male gaze. I recalled the abuse I dealt with and how I was called a whore, a slut, a skank, you name it, for wearing a skirt, a tight shirt, and eyeliner. When discussing sexual assault or rape, people say things like, “Look how she was dressed! She deserved it!” trying to place blame on the victim as opposed to the perpetrator. I thought of myself, as a victim of rape and assault. I thought of how my abuser tried to make it my fault and how I reflected those actions unto others in the same situation. The fact of the matter is, a lot less rapes would happen if a lot less people would stop raping other people. Period.

My early twenties consisted of working in a largely male-dominated industry. I was often the butt of jokes, the target of blatant sexism, and a victim of harassment. A lot of my male coworkers expected me to balk to this behavior, but I was growing ever tired of the constant barrage of backhanded remarks and unwanted advances. I was accused of working at a video game store to “impress men.” But, I wasn’t. That wasn’t my intention at all. I loved video games. I always had. Yet, now, somehow, I had to PROVE that I loved them and that it wasn’t for attention. I saw myself as the woman in the gym with makeup, the one who wore it just to wear it, but got accused of doing it for someone else. Everything was starting to make sense to me. All of these circumstances were linked. My hatred toward women was more of a coping mechanism than anything else. It let me feel better about myself and provided me with a false sense of security. What I kept forgetting is that *I’m* also a woman, no matter how much I try to set myself apart. I couldn’t justify the disdain.

Ironically, fitness also acted as a significant step in my healing process. I connected with women who power lift and dare to look “masculine” without fear of judgement or ridicule. I learned to eat and treat food and respected my body as a vessel of my mind, as opposed to a temple of temptation. I started lifting weights and doing yoga. It was for me. Not for anyone else. And it felt great. I started wearing compression shorts, not to show off, but to be comfortable in my movement. Each time I would stretch them up my waist and walk out the door, I would recall how I used to see women who would wear them and think to myself, “How wrong was I!?”

What remains constant is that women can (and should) like what they want, but it never comes without ridicule. Ridicule is a reaction that is bred from one of three things: envy, projection, or insecurity. People are so ingrained to automatically have contempt for anything a woman does. Society takes any and every chance it gets to paint women in a negative light and perpetuate the terrible stereotype that has become commonplace. When you start seeing women as people with value, and not as objects, competition, or second class citizens to scorn, you become more satisfied with yourself as a result.

Internalized misogyny is a very real thing. It’s what caused me to see myself as less of a person due to my gender, develop an eating disorder, allow myself to be abused, and convinced me that I should act a certain way just so I could be called “cool.” That’s right, I used bigotry against other women just to gain brownie points with other people. And I’m not proud of it. What’s important is that I admit it, and hopefully my honesty will influence others to understand how easy it is to fall prey to this phenomenon.

Women are wonderful. Women are powerful. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re a woman.

[psychologicaltherapy]

A Psychological Treatment Based on The Recognition of The Truth

The true interpretation of this significance of fantasies reflects the superior understanding of their subconscious mind which produces your fantasies within an organized manner with all the aim that will simply help your conscience eventually become smarter and overcome emotional illnesses. The subconscious mind is really a therapist. Carl Jung could detect the actual significance of the symbolic fantasy language and also the psychotherapeutically capability of this subconscious guidance in fantasies.

 But, Jung's way of dream interpretation is more complicated, frustrating, and vague. His method is therefore complicated that those that follow with his psychology can't learn his way of dream interpretation, so unless they devote special consideration to the significance of fantasies for a very long time period, which has to surpass a couple of decades of fantasy therapy.

 The simple fact clinical psychology therapy Pasadena CA I could simplify Carl Jung's way of dream interpretation afterwards detecting more and afterwards healing lots of individuals to clinic for 2 decades simplifies a significant issue. Nobody would be able to study this complicated and vague technique of dream interpretation for decades to detect the actual power of fantasies. But this ability is an option that may end all human issues.

 I really could simplify Jung's way of dream interpretation because I just uttered the advice of this subconscious mind which produces our fantasies, while Jung was scared to wholly trust the subconscious mind, even with detecting that the subconscious mind is God's mind.

 The celestial subconscious mind revealed me that the full content of this mental faculties, working such as a therapist for me personally, and like a teacher. I really could detect the occurrence of our crazy hindsight, that the anti-conscience. This discovery is extremely important since it reflects the conclusion of mental disorders. The anti-conscience creates mental ailments inside our conscience.

 You've got to get rid of your anti-conscience through familiarity, so you can eradicate the absurdity you've inherited. This is actually a procedure performed through fantasy translation. All fantasies contain messages that are precious, which work just like psychotherapy and mind boggling.

 These messages also work-like spiritual purification as you do away with one's immoral and violent trends. You learn to listen to some other people's pain. You know to honour every one and become always loyal to an ethical prosecution.

Now you recognize the significance of goodness. You know the way you can be a patient one who consistently shows understanding to all humans. You quit after a behavioral patterns of anger and aggression. You grow to be an aware individual who's consistently sensitive and wise.

 Your fantasies provide you trustful information as they're natural resources made by God to safeguard your sanity and also allow you to grow. You check the wisdom in the fantasy messages whenever you interpret their significance in line with this scientific system of dream interpretation.

 The scientific writings depending on Carl Jung's discoveries and in my discoveries later continued his research are many unique from the fantasy interpretations of this dumb world.

 By Way of Example, this is a fantasy scene by a very long dream surfaced by a man:

'There has been quite a narrow and long wooden bridge over the lake. I was scared to make use of this bridge to cross over the river. I was seeking a boat. I saw an abandoned ship close to the lake '

 Fantasy translation:

'There has been quite a narrow and long wooden bridge over the lake. I was scared to make use of this bridge to cross over the river'

The bridge indicates you have to cross the river. It symbolizes challenging. At the opposite side of this bridge, you'll fulfil your anti-conscience, the uncontrolled side of one's own conscience. Which usually means you will confirm the occurrence of a foolish conscience in your brain.

The wooden bridge isn't quite as watertight as a iron bridge. The simple fact you were scared to make use of this bridge usually means your self is fearful of this practice of understanding that you need to follow, therefore you can comprehend the occurrence of one's absurd and wicked anti-conscience.

You can't accept the simple fact that a huge part of one's conscience is under developed. This approval is debilitating for you since you never desire to comprehend that people are in reality caked primates.

You prefer to feel that you're intelligent. That you never desire to feel poor as you've got an absurd and wicked conscience which did not evolve just like your individual conscience.

That you never desire to think in the presence of one's anti-conscience. You would rather feel that you're intelligent and you also know what it is you might be doing in your life. That you never desire to satisfy your own absurdity.

 ·         'I was searching to get a boat. I saw an abandoned ship close to the lake '

·         You reflect your own self in fantasies.

·         The ship reflects a study.

 The left-handed ship could be your left-handed search of a certain section of one's own personality.

 Yourself wishes to keep on the abandoned search of a certain portion of one's nature and find out about the task you need to handle in the place of crossing the bridge along with accepting this challenge without even knowing what might happen for you personally.

 Which usually means you have to create more efforts in order to relish the individual nature without feeling feeble. You've got to review more and analyze this thing for the reason that it disturbs you and you also don't need to instantly recognize the prerequisite to simply accept your ridiculous side.

 You've got to comprehend that by recognizing the occurrence of one's absurd and wicked conscience you're going to have the ability to get rid of it in the mind and mind. In the event that you'll insist on dismissing its presence, you'll be a casualty of this absurdity it arouses to a conscience, without any understanding the truth.

 You're frightened to verify that you're less balanced because you believed you're, and you don't restrain your behaviour in most conditions.

 But this knowledge may assist you to learn to develop into balanced individual being and consistently restrain your behaviour. To start with, you've got to comprehend the reality.

 After comprehending the facts, you encourage the prerequisite to modify your behaviour and quit making the mistakes enforced by your own anti-conscience, to ensure you, the individual being existing to your conscience can restrain your behaviour, and maybe not your crude conscience, the dangerous anti-conscience.

 In the event that you'll won't acknowledge the fact, you'll necessarily be a casualty of one's crazy conscience without comprehending that the strange thoughts that move across the mind aren't your ideas. They truly are ridiculous ideas sent from the anti-conscience, as when they belonged to a conscience.

 You've got to think in the presence of one's anti-conscience therefore you may possibly seriously struggle the absurdity it arouses to a conscience, with no passive victim of its own absurdity since you feel that its thoughts result from the conscience.

 Your anti-conscience invades your conscience together with its foolish notions and must participate in one's conscience. You need to discover to distinguish the notions that appeal to an own conscience by the absurd notions which can come in the anti-conscience.

 This is the reason it's very important that you handle your anti-conscience at the opposing side of this bridge.

 The recognition of this facts can be debilitating for you whether you're vain, or whether you're naïve and also you feel human beings have become intelligent animals. The celestial subconscious thoughts can help you accept the facts about your crazy nature; therefore, you can discover the way to get a distinct mindset.

 In the event you really don't desire to observe that you're abusive in most conditions, you won’t have the ability to learn just how to often be calm and serene. As a question of fact, you won’t have the ability to comprehend the significance to be calm as opposed to bursting of anger.

 Lots of men and women think their anger protects them out of the planet, plus so they don't really wish to learn the way to make calm. In the event that you'll stick to this mentality you won’t comprehend just how superior you're whenever you reveal understanding.

 Whenever you're calm, you're not infected by anger. You mechanically forgive all of human beings since you are aware they truly are imperfect creatures.

 The subconscious mind is actually a smart therapist. The subconscious mind makes it possible to comprehend just why you must leave the abusive, selfish, and immoral trends you have endured, and without thinking they truly are part of one's self-defensive mechanism. You detect a philosophical foundation behind your activities, which can help you warrant that the prerequisite to depart the previous behaviour and possess a distinct mindset.

 This backdrop makes it possible to truly feel just like a hero if you're fighting your unwanted tendencies. You know that by confronting this challenge you're evolving as an individual being. You comprehend that the significance of wisdom.

 The side of one's conflict provides you an objective. You struggle what's awful since you think in the ability of goodness. You would like to evolve. You wish in order to at all times show understanding rather than behaving like a crazy creature whenever something or someone causes your anger.

 The subconscious lessons assist you realize the need for one's own transformation. You've got explanations which allow you to change your own behaviour and eventually become more self-explanatory. You believe you are ready to at all times restrain your behaviour rather than create the mistakes that you will create in case you were abusive.