#and we also barely even text anymore. sometimes i reach out and then it can take over a day for her to answer and it just feels shitty

[madesofgold]

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[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 77

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe: Military School

Words: 5K

Masterlist

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Saturday, April 2; 1:50 PM - Downtown.

Time is passing. Only one week remains before the holidays. I'm eager to get there. Lucy and I have agreed that I will give my all during these last weeks so that I can relax afterward. It's tough. I'm barely with my friends at school anymore, but I want to be ready for the big day. They know and understand that. Another thing that's hard is that Lucy doesn’t show me any affection at school. Ever since Wiegman found out, she's been very cautious. Sometimes she hugs me in the evening or gives me a kiss or two, but that's it. So, I'm glad it's the weekend. At least now, she doesn't hold back.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asks me.

"Of course," I chuckle. "It's not the first time I've been here."

Today is the second Saturday I'm going to work with Grace at the gallery. She wants to make sure we can work together and that we both enjoy it. Personally, I loved being here last week. It didn't feel like work. Grace has a much more modern style, thanks to street art. Mine is still very classical, so I understand why she said she could teach me a lot. We complement each other in a way. She asked me to come back today, and she'll give me her decision tonight. By the end of the day, I'll know if my future has a chance in this field. I sincerely hope so. It's the only concrete offer I have. I know that if I get my degree, I can find work in administration, but let's just say that’s not what I want.

"True," Lucy replies. "Will you text me when you're done?"

"Like last time, yes. Say hi to everyone for me."

Lucy is going to meet up with her friends at the venue. They need to clear out the last few things before next week. I think they still have a lot to do. I regret not being with them. I enjoy lending a hand, but I have other responsibilities today.

"I won't forget," she says with a smile.

"And tell Ale I'm supporting her with all my strength for tonight."

Lucy laughs, nodding. Leah party is tonight. I sulked about it for a long time. I felt a little guilty for not being there since I haven't been spending much time with them, but I can always count on Lucy to lift my spirits.

"I'll tell her. Now go. You’re going to be late again."

"How about a little kiss first?"

She smiles and leans over to kiss me.

"Have a good day, my love," I say before getting out of the car.

I close the door and walk toward the gallery. I know Lucy won't leave until I’m inside. And that's exactly what happens. I enter the gallery, triggering the little bell hanging on the door. I take the time to close it, and only then do I see my girlfriend's car pulling away. I smile at that but quickly refocus.

"Ah, hey Ona," Grace greets me.

"Hey," I reply.

The first thing she asked me to do last week was to speak informally with her. I must admit it’s a relief. She's young, probably around Lucy’s age. At least I’m sure I won’t mess up. It also makes me feel more comfortable.

"How are you?"

"Good, and you?"

I smile and approach her for a cheek kiss. The gallery she owns is nothing like Mr. Fields'. It's smaller. Much smaller, but I love it. It's very cozy. It's dark, with occasional light accents here and there. I recognize her style from Nyko's paintball artwork.

"You came at the perfect time. I was trying to hang a painting, but it’s up high, and I couldn’t manage alone. Can you help me?"

"Yeah, of course. I’ll just drop my stuff in the back."

"Oops, sorry, poor you," she laughs. "I'm already piling on the work. Go ahead, I’ll wait."

"Oh no, don’t worry," I giggle.

"Meet me in the back."

I nod while taking off my jacket. The gallery is shaped like an "L." It's on a corner, which is lucky. This way, each piece displayed is lit by the large windows. Grace had the entire place renovated, and I must admit it’s brilliant. Passersby can see inside without having to come in. I go behind the counter to reach a back room. There’s about 20 square meters of space here, which serves as a workshop, storage, and even a dressing room. I hang my bag and jacket on the coat rack before joining Grace at the back of the gallery. Now I understand why she needed my help. She’s waiting for me at the top of a stepladder, with a huge canvas on the floor.

"Wow, it's beautiful," I comment.

The painting is a street art piece of the city of Seattle in multicolored hues. I can totally recognize Grace’s style in it. It’s truly stunning.

"Did you make it?" I ask, just to be sure.

"Yeah," she smiles. "I want it to be the centerpiece, but as you can see, it’s quite big."

"Yeah, I can see that," I chuckle. "Hold on, I’ll lift it for you."

No sooner said than done. I lift the painting so she can grab it where she’s standing. I hold it until she manages to hang it from the suspended ceiling using hooks. Unlike the rest of the room, the ceiling is made of white oak beams. It contrasts nicely with the anthracite walls.

"Phew, thanks."

She climbs down the stepladder, and we step back to see how it looks.

"Not bad, huh?"

"It looks great," I reply. "I think the painting’s just a little crooked."

"Yeah, I just noticed that," she giggles. "Can you stay below in case it slips?"

I nod, and we adjust it until it's perfectly straight. Meanwhile, several people have entered the gallery. Most are just curious, but I think some of the paintings catch their eye. Grace told me that most people come back later for a painting that caught their attention. I guess business isn’t doing too bad.

"Have you sold more paintings?" I ask, noticing some empty spots.

"Yeah," she says with a smile. "Can you help me replace them? Then we can get back to the painting you started last week."

"Sounds good to me."

"Not like you have a choice," she teases.

I laugh and shake my head. We head to the storage room to get the new paintings. I’m supposed to stay until closing, but I can tell we’re not going to be idle. That’s fine with me. I prefer this to sitting around doing nothing.

Saturday, April 2; 5:20 PM - Gallery.

"Well, I think it’s time to stop," Grace tells me.

I check the time. It’s almost 5:30. I’m surprised. The time flew by.

"Oh yeah. I’ll text Lucy so she can pick me up."

"Don’t you have your own car?" she asks.

"Not yet, but I think it’s coming soon."

"That would be better, indeed," she smiles.

I text Lucy to let her know I'm done, then I start putting away the tools I used and wash my brushes in the sink. I haven’t finished my painting yet, but I’m sure I’ll have another chance to work on it. Grace’s advice has been really helpful. She has a completely different method than mine, but I appreciate her feedback. Once I’m done, I return to the front where Grace is behind the counter. She managed to sell four paintings this afternoon—and not just any paintings. I think she’s doing pretty well for someone who just started out on her own.

"All done."

"Great," she says. "I promised I’d give you my answer about next year, so here it is," she says, handing me a form.

I pick it up to see what it is. A small smile forms as I realize it’s an application for the Seattle School of Art.

- Does this mean…?

- These two half-days with you were cool. You’re nice, you know how to do good work, and you’ve got talent. That’s all I was asking for.

- Wow, I say, not knowing what else to say.

- I was able to enter one of your pieces into the school's last enrollment competition thanks to my contacts, and you’ve been selected, she tells me.

I’m having trouble understanding. She entered me into a competition without me knowing?

- You…

- Sorry for not asking your permission, but I didn’t have a choice, she giggles, seeing the look on my face.

- It’s no problem.

- You’ve still got a lot of work to improve, Ona, but you really impressed them, so… she shrugs. Welcome, I guess.

Unable to hold back, I hug her. It’s really the least I can do. She just saved my entire future.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I’m so relieved. A huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. She giggles at my reaction, but she doesn’t realize what she’s giving me. I’m finally going to be able to live my dream. Just six months ago, I thought this was impossible. All my life, I’ve been told I couldn’t make a living from this, and yet here it is, happening. It feels like a dream. I release my new boss when I hear the doorbell chime. I smile when I see Lucy walk in.

- Well, it seems like there’s good news here.

- Oh yes! I exclaim, handing her the application form.

Lucy looks at it for a moment, then glances between us with a smile forming on her lips.

- Ah, yes, I see now. That’s really amazing. Thank you so much, Grace. Ona can finally relax a bit.

- Oh, it was my pleasure, Grace replies with a small laugh.

I go to Lucy and slip into her arms. She kisses the top of my head while still holding the form.

- Do we need to send this to the school? she asks.

- Uh, it’s better if you bring it back to me. I need to return it as soon as possible to my contact at the school.

- Alright. Well, do you have a little time? We can fill it out now.

- Oh, that would be great, yeah. I’ll get you a pen.

As soon as she leaves for the back, I let out a little squeal of joy. Lucy laughs, holding me tighter.

- Can you believe it!?

- Yes, yes, she giggles. This is really amazing, babe. I’m proud of you.

She kisses me softly. I feel like I’m floating on a cloud. I can’t believe all of this is happening so fast. Just a few weeks ago, I imagined myself sorting papers at a desk.

- You know what you have to do now, she whispers to me. You absolutely have to pass your exam.

- I’m working on it. I think I’m doing pretty well.

- Yes, that’s true, she smiles. Who would’ve thought you’d get serious one day…

I stick my tongue out at her teasing. Grace comes back with a pen, and Lucy helps me fill out my part. I realize I don’t even know her address, and it’s about to become mine soon. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to move in with her and call it my home too. I already feel at home there, but it’ll be more official. We’ll be there every day, together. Just thinking about it makes me feel strange. The form is easy to fill out. I double-check that I haven’t forgotten anything before copying the information onto the other two forms. I sign them and hand them to my new boss, who smiles mischievously.

- Well, you’ve just signed your death warrant. You’re under my command now, she jokes.

- Oh, there are worse things… I hope, I giggle.

- You’ll have time to form your opinion, Lucy comments. Well, shall we head out now?

- Great idea. I’m heading home as well. My boyfriend is taking me out to dinner tonight.

- Lucky you, I say with a smile. Well then…

I don’t finish my sentence. I’m not really sure what to say. Now that I’ve signed the papers, what’s next? Grace seems to understand my dilemma, as she says:

- I’ll contact you for the next steps. I’ll give you the details of when you start working here and when your classes start too. You’ll probably need to come back to sign a contract.

- No problem. I’m close by, after all.

- Great. Well, have a good evening then.

- Have a good evening too.

I head to the back to grab my things and return to Lucy. We say goodbye to my new boss one last time before heading out. I feel like a ball of energy. Everything is falling into place now that I’ve signed that form.

- What are we doing tonight?

- Well, I may have reserved a table too…

- Really?

I turn to her sharply. She smiles, amused by my reaction.

- Yep. I thought it would be nice to celebrate the good news.

- Oh yeah? And how did you know, huh? I just found out myself.

I smile as she presses me gently against the car when we reach it. Her hands rest softly on my hips. I relax as her lips tease mine.

- You should know I never doubt you…

- Why are you so perfect? I murmur, wrapping my arms around her neck.

- I’m not.

- Yes, you are, at least with me.

- Well, that’s because you make me that way. Because I love you.

I groan and lean in to kiss her, but she pulls back, keeping me just out of reach. I pout. I don’t like it when she denies me a kiss.

- Don’t make that face, she smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I wanted to apologize, because I’m not as perfect as you think. I’m denying you a night with your friends tonight.

I step back at those words. I can see a hint of sadness in her eyes. It’s partly my fault. I guess I made my disappointment a little too clear about it. I smile, caressing her cheek.

- The most important thing is that I’m spending the evening with you, my love.

- Really…? Because—

- You’re the most important person to me. I know you’re anxious about meeting them.

- What—

- Don’t take me for a fool, I interrupt her with an amused tone. I know you hide your fear behind the idea that we have to be discreet at school. But we both know you’re just scared of meeting them as my girlfriend.

Lucy opens her mouth, then closes it. I love when I can leave her speechless. It’s so rare. She sighs, shaking her head, and tries to pull away, but I hold her close. Our chests are pressed together. I can feel her heart beating a little too fast. She doesn’t like being caught off guard, and I get it. I feel the same way when she surprises me.

- You’re right, she whispers. I’m sorry.

- Don’t be. I totally understand. It must not be easy to meet your students as my friends.

- No, not really. I tend to know what everyone thinks of me at school.

She’s not wrong. Even now, everyone asks me how I can spend so much time with Lucy. They can’t see her as the woman standing in front of me right now, and it’s such a shame. I slide my hand under her hair, gently stroking her neck. My touch seems to calm her down.

That’s true, I murmur. But they don’t know my girlfriend. I know it must be scary for you, but it’s important to me. I want people to meet my girlfriend. I want to show you off. To say that you’re mine, like you do.

- Like me, huh?

- Oh yes. Do I need to remind you of the number of hickeys you've given me? You love to claim that I belong to you.

- Yeah, that's true... There's still a bit of me missing on you, though.

I giggle as her lips brush against my neck.

- No, Lucia! I replied, gently pushing her away.

- What, you don't like my marks? she teased.

- Stop it. That'll be the first thing they tease you about.

- Really? I bet they'll mock my commander nickname instead.

- You want to play that game? Alright, let's make a bet then.

- A bet, huh? OK. If I'm right, I get to do whatever I want with you for a whole evening, and vice versa if you're right.

- Hmm... OK, I'm in.

- Good, she said, pecking my lips. Now let's go. We'll be late for my program otherwise.

- Your program, huh? What do you have planned for me this time?

- A romantic evening, she announced as she walked around the car. I had to make up for the event we're not attending tonight.

- You didn't have to, but I like it. I enjoy going out with you.

- Don’t expect anything crazy. We're just going to have dinner, and I thought we could go to the movies afterward, she said once seated behind the wheel.

- I particularly like that plan, I said while fastening my seatbelt.

- Perfect, then.

We exchanged a smile before she drove off. She took me to a restaurant I didn't know, one fancier than the places we usually go to.

- It's a French restaurant, she whispered as a waiter guided us to our table.

- Really? I asked with a small smile. What gave you the idea?

- Nowhere, I just enjoy coming here.

Lucy had everything planned. She really booked a table, and we were lucky enough to get one on the restaurant's veranda. I wondered how long ago she made the reservation.

- Thank you, she said to the waiter.

- You're welcome. Here are the menus. I'll be back to check on you later.

- Thanks, I added as he left.

I looked around. It was particularly beautiful here, and we were lucky that the sky was clear.

- It's beautiful, I whispered while staring at the starry sky.

- I booked last week... when Grace told me she'd be watching you.

I lowered my eyes, mouth slightly agape.

- Y-you knew?

- Well... yeah, she replied mischievously. She just wanted to keep you waiting a bit longer, so you'd keep giving your best today.

She laughed while I sulked. She knew before I did. But how could I hold it against her when I saw where we were now?

- You're lucky I enjoy surprises.

She laughed and intertwined our fingers. I brought them to my lips for a kiss. This moment of relaxation felt particularly good. I felt exhausted from giving so much, but now that I knew where I was headed next year, I was even more motivated to ace my final exam, which was fast approaching. I’d already had a preview with my recent tests, and I hadn’t done too badly. Next week, we have mock exams. I'm looking forward to them because at least I’ll know exactly where I stand before the real ones.

- What are you thinking about?

- A lot of things, I answered with a small smile. How will things go from here?

- Well, as planned. You’ll take your mock exams, then we’ll go on vacation.

- I can't wait, I giggled. I’m so done with all this.

- I bet, but it'll be fine, she reassured me.

- And after that?

- After that? she asked, tilting her head.

- Well, after... after school...

We were interrupted by the waiter who came to take our drink orders. I trusted Lucy and chose the same as her, a non-alcoholic cocktail. We waited for him to leave before I turned back to Lucy. She shrugged.

- After school... well, we’ll go to Barcelona, and then we'll come back here.

- To live at your place, I murmured.

The idea seemed so surreal. Yet, it was what was going to happen in just a few weeks. After all this time.

- Have you changed your mind?

I snapped out of my thoughts at her question. I could see a hint of concern in her eyes.

- What? No, no! I was just thinking... maybe we could make things more official...?

- What do you mean?

- It might be too soon but... I’d like, I don’t know... to co-own the apartment? We’re going to live together, so I want to contribute to the expenses.

Lucy nodded before sinking into her chair, crossing her arms.

- That’s indeed a big step, becoming a co-owner.

- I don’t want us to move. The apartment is great, but... I want to invest in it, you know?

- I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

I opened my mouth, but I closed it when Lucy raised her hand to stop me from arguing.

- I trust us, I know how you feel, but you never know what could happen. There could be complications between us, and I wouldn’t want the apartment to become another relationship issue to deal with.

- I’m not planning on leaving you, I said, pouting.

Lucy laughed and leaned toward me. She grabbed both my hands, pulling them under her chin.

- I know, love, but it’s too soon. Tomorrow, we’ll celebrate two months together. I know we both feel like we’ve been together longer, but it’s only been two months.

- That’s true, I muttered.

- How about we see how living together full-time goes? I don’t think there will be any problems, but it’ll be a big difference from just weekends.

I nodded, feeling a little sulky. I didn’t like how right she was. After all, we were just at the beginning of our relationship, but I craved more. I needed more, I think, but I didn’t dare say it.

- Hey, she murmured.

She lifted my chin, forcing our eyes to meet. I hated facing her gaze. It made me feel so vulnerable. There was a determination in her eyes that sometimes made me wonder how she got to where she was.

- Don’t make that face. We have all the time in the world now, okay? There’s no need to rush. That’s how we’ll crash into a wall.

- Yeah... I mumbled.

I hated that she was right. The last time I rushed, it ended badly. I wanted to do things right, but at the same time, I wanted to speed things up. The waiter returned to bring our drinks and take our order. Since I hadn’t really paid attention to the menu, I agreed to Lucy’s suggestion that we share a dish—cheese platter, actually. She sold me on the idea, saying it was really good, so I accepted. As the waiter left, I still felt uneasy, but Lucy remained unfazed.

- Honey, one day, I’m going to make you my wife. We’ll buy a big house together, and maybe even have kids. I want all of that just as much as you do. Don’t think otherwise.

- I know, Lucia...

I blushed slightly at her words. If she wanted them to affect me, well, it was working. Wife and kids were big words, perfectly expressing our future together.

- So be patient. First and foremost, we need to learn how to live together and build a stable future. It all starts with a good job. Neither of us knows what our work experience will lead to, and it’s good to focus on that before jumping into anything else. Don’t you agree?

I sighed but nodded.

- Yeah, fine, you win.

She chuckled softly.

- Come on, give me a kiss.

I leaned in to give her what she wanted. I could never deny her that.

- Can we enjoy the evening now?

- Yes.

Our cheese platter finally arrived, and I had to admit it was a good choice. Lucy really knew what was good, and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

- I wonder how things are going with Alexia, I mused as we started eating.

- No idea, my girlfriend giggled. But she wasn’t feeling well this afternoon. I had to comfort her.

- You, comforting her? Now I’ve seen everything.

- Well, yeah. I like her, surprisingly.

- That’s good news then, I teased. At least one of my friends you like.

- Oh, stop it, she rolled her eyes. I like Mapi too.

- That wasn’t the case in the beginning.

- We were both jealous, but I think she’s starting to understand where her place is with me.

- Yeah, I think you're right.

I sipped my drink, reflecting on the conversation we had a few weeks ago. Mapi had defended Lucy regarding what she didn’t yet know about Feli. I think she has indeed figured out her place with Lucy, even if she struggled to admit it. After all, she was my only close friend before I came here.

- Thinking about something in particular? Lucy asked, noticing I was lost in thought.

- No, I said, blushing. Just that you're right. She defended you not too long ago.

- Really? About what?

I shrugged. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.

- Something unimportant...

I know I’m a terrible liar, but I didn’t want to ruin our night with negative thoughts. Lucy stayed silent for a moment but eventually nodded.

- Okay, she whispered. You know you can tell me anything, right?

- Of course, I said with a small smile. But it’s nothing important. I just wanted you to know that she defended you, and I was the first one surprised.

- Alright... well, I guess things are changing.

We shared a smile. I knew she realized I wasn’t telling her everything, but I appreciated that she didn’t push. The evening continued without any more unsettling topics.

[somejazzinthemorning]

tightrope. 01

Pairing: Carlos Sainz x Original Female Character Warnings: Language, I guess?  Word Count: ~4.253

— Just hold my hand. If you are afraid, you can hold my hand.

And it was so cold, my hand froze when I pulled it out from under the covers to extend it towards him. Carlos was on the bed across from mine, his hand stretched out toward me. The beds were far enough apart that I could barely reach him with my fingers. We both got as close as possible to the edge of the bed, the whisper of sheets spreading through the room. I grabbed two of his fingers. He smiled at me. And we fell asleep like that, with our fingers intertwined, hovering over the face of my brother, lying on a mattress between the beds. Eventually, after I had fallen asleep, I let go of his hand and hid it under the blankets. When I woke up, I had both hands on the pillow, but his was down on the side of the bed, his fingers still outstretched—not towards me, but pointed at the floor. And there was no longer a storm and I was no longer afraid.

Chapter 01

Looking back, it warms my heart to remember moments like those.

We are so much older now; Our lives took a major turn and we barely speak anymore. I don’t even know if he remembers that episode, but I think about it a lot.

The idea of him appears in my mind in moments I don’t expect, like when it’s raining, and, in the search for comfort and warmth in my pockets, I remember how warm his hands always were and that’s when I realize how much I’ve missed him.

How much I’ve missed having him around.

And the fact that I couldn’t just text him and ask him to hang out made everything worse. I knew I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but sometimes it was hard not to.

Especially when the present was so lonely.

We gradually stopped talking when he signed for McLaren. He had a lot of responsibility on his shoulder and he would spend a lot of time in the factory, or London with his teammate. He had to train more, learn more, read more, help more. He was a mentor, now. At least, that was what he told me — always the same excuse, no matter the occasion.

“I’ve been so busy”, he would say. “I’m sorry, but I know you understand.”

And I would nod.

I went to the Spanish GP in 2019. We didn’t get to talk. He was busy, it was a busy weekend. A lot to do and a lot of people to meet.  I know you understand. The same happened in Monaco and Silverstone. He promised me then he would show up for my birthday party, happening some days after the Grand Prix. And just hours before the dinner, a text.

“I can’t make it. I’ll send you something over the mail.”

I stopped caring. Or, at least, I pretended I did.

That’s just how it is with some people.

You grow apart and move on. That’s fine. That’s life.

But I couldn’t help but wonder if he ever thought about that stormy night and how we fell asleep holding hands. Or if that also disappeared in time.

I resented him for a lot of reasons and, to be honest, looking back I was quite happy about the separation the universe forced upon us. I resented him more than Rio, my brother, ever did. Their friendship only grew stronger. But Rio was a better person than me. He welcomed the uncertainties and he was grateful for them. He found wonder where I just found pain. I was more melancholic, driven by nostalgia and memories.

Thinking about what would have happened if we had gotten a place for Rio in GP3 consumed my days. Not enough money and not good enough sponsors shortened his chase for the dream.

Carlos, on the other end? We all know how it went for him.

He used to call Rio and tell him about what he was doing, the simulators he got to try and the drivers he worked with. My brother was so happy for his friend that I think he forgot to be sad for himself.

So I was sad for both; Each year sadder, because distance grew with time until Carlos stretched it to a point that nothing seemed capable to make us fall back into place.

There came a point in my life where I accepted that things were going to stay like that.

I would see him once or twice a year if he bothered to show up to the occasions, and we would be civil. And we were. Always civil. Polite. He would talk to me as one would talk to a stranger. I would do the same.

Didn’t take long for us to become strangers. And suddenly, I became the one that didn’t bother to show up to family dinners when he was in the city. He stopped going on our annual ski trip to the Alps.

That being said, I absolutely didn’t expect to meet him that way, around midnight, in the dark cold garage, with his hand outstretched towards me, frozen in the air, to assist me in getting out of the car.

It felt like an eternity before I could come back to myself again after seeing him. I was still seated in the driver's seat, my helmet covering my head and the visor blurring the lines of his face. My eyes were desperately attempting to draw new lines across his features, but it was a tough task to make sense of the chaos. I kept looking at him, trying to find something that I could recognise, something that would make me feel at ease. But nothing seemed to be familiar.

It was like looking at a stranger, a stranger with a face that I once knew.

Rejecting his assistance, I got out of the car and, from the corner of my eye I saw him sliding his hand back into his pocket. I couldn’t find myself saying or doing anything. I stood there, taking him in, rejecting the idea of taking out my helmet and seeing him clearly.

A year had passed. Of course, I had seen him on television, on social media, on posters and photographs around the circuits and streets, but—

“It’s been a while,” he broke the silence.

“Yeah,” I wanked off my helmet and balaclava. “It has.”

Arms slightly apart, a silent invitation for a hug I knew I didn’t want to give him. I turned my back on him, closed the door of the car and left my belongings on one of the counters of the garage. On the chrome of one of the cabinets, the reflection of his face.

Different, but the same. Older, but his eyes had the light he had as a boy. But he was a man, now, not the boy I once really liked, the boy I thought I was not capable of living without.

Anyways, he was still Carlos.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, my body tensing up, twisting around itself, turning back to him.

“I came to see you,” he replied, a hint of a smile in his voice. His hands were still in his pockets, his eyes drifting from me to the car. “I heard you’re doing well in the championship, so I wanted to see how you’re really doing.”

I nodded my head in a polite gesture, though my mind was still reeling from the surprise of seeing him again. I muttered a simple “I’m fine, as you might have heard, too.”

“Glad to hear that.”

The bright red of his team polo shone through his black puffer jacket. He was probably there on behalf of his team, for some PR duties, most likely. I reached up to my neck to undo the velcro of my suit and unzip it slightly.

Despite being the middle of July, when summer is normally at its hottest, the evening air was chilly. I could feel the cold breeze of the night, making my skin feel clammy and sticky with sweat. My hair was plastered to my face and neck, and I shivered as the chill settled in my bones.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked, my fingers undoing the band that hold my braid together. After that, I passed my fingers between the strands of hair.

“Well… I saw the schedule online,” he finally moved. Walking towards the car, a black, red and yellow Ferrari 488 EVO. “Rio just confirmed you were here.”

My mechanics were still inside, packing up tools in the carts and cleaning the oil-stained floor, that the too-bright lights did nothing to hide. The smell of rubber and oil lingered inside the garage, perhaps even in my hair.

“Why didn’t you come to see me before?”

“I don’t know,” he said. His voice carried some kind of serenity and tranquillity that was making me as mad as nauseous. He turned back to me. “I was waiting for the right moment, I guess.”

"And what made tonight the right moment?" My eyes didn’t leave the red of his polo, peaking through the jacket.

Convenience made it the right moment.

"I don't know," was his response. The cadence of it rang hollow, underwhelming some expectations I didn’t know I still harboured.

Suddenly, I felt the attention of some mechanics fall on us, curious eyes discreetly lurking at us, or better, at Carlos. The Ferrari driver standing in my small team’s garage. The newest Formula One race winner. Carlos Sainz.

I started walking out, to the pit lane, and he, circling around the car, but not lifting his eyes from it, followed me closely.

“Just felt like it was time.”

“Time for what, exactly?”

He caught my arm and I stepped outside, turning me around and making me look at him. I don’t know if it was the breeze or the piercing gaze he held, but something shifted inside the second my eyes met his.

“To talk to you,” he answered to the question I had honestly forgotten I’d asked. “Can we do that without you running away?”

His hair was longer and slicked back. The beard was not too long, but not clean shaved either. At this hour, with only the garage lights brightening half of his face and the heavy shadows of the night weighing down the other, he looked even more handsome than I remembered.

I felt my heart skip a beat. That feeling I recognized too well. His effect. His aura, his gaze, his perfectly drawn face and his fucking voice—so deep, so earthy. Something about him, only him.

“We’ve nothing to talk about,” I finally said, looking down at his hand; long fingers wrapped around the black sleeve of my suit. He let go. “We’ve moved on, we’re both doing great. Congrats on that win, by the way.”

“Eva.” I always loved the way my name sounded when he was the one who voiced it. “Come one. I just want to talk to you.”

“Why?”´

“I don’t know,” again. A pause. “I just missed you, I guess.”

You guess.

Almost three years apart, one year without being in the same room. I don’t know why it didn’t make me happy to hear that. After all, I had spent the last few years waiting for him to say it. At the same time, the realisation that if he missed me, it was only his fault and he could survive another day away from me, from us.

But, surprised by my own words, I let out an "I missed you too.”

And he smiled.

God, that smile. That same smile he had as a teen. That same smile I kept seeing on every video, in every interview. That same smile that once made me fall for him. I liked him. I really did. I used to confess, only to myself, that I loved him.

I loved him in the way children do, in a way so genuine and pure that it actually seems and feels like a fairytale. I loved him in the way little girls do, in the blushed cheeks, weird sentences, poor jokes and a lot of giggles way.

My heart would explode each time I laid my eyes on him, which happened a lot because we basically grew up together.

And that hasn’t changed.

My heart was racing. Its sound muffled any thoughts in my head and soothed the rage boiling inside. He had grown up and become a man and, at that moment, looking at him and his smile, being hypnotised by his gaze, I went back to being that little girl.

I had never stopped caring. I’d never stopped loving him.

One thing had changed, though. I had grown past that middle-school crush and I knew that no matter how much I’d missed him we would never come back to that pure, simple, naive version of ourselves. The memories I had were nothing more than fragments of the past and I could not let myself fall into the traps of my hopelessly romantic patterns in an attempt to find them.

I took a deep breath.

The smell of burnt tires and the noise of the rattle guns woke me up from my trance.

Over Carlos’ shoulder, Rio’s silhouette grew bigger as he sprinted down the pit lane. Fast-paced with a big smile on his face and holding his iPad in his hands, he positioned himself beside Carlos, not before patting him on the back.

“So, you found her,” Carlos nodded at my brother’s words, his hands back in his pockets. “Is everything okay?”

Carlos and I exchanged looks. He was still smiling and, for some reason, I felt defeated. Through the silence, Rio could probably hear my thoughts. He fixed his gaze on me, those deep green eyes, forcing an answer out of me.

“Yeah,” I finally burst. “Everything’s fine.”

“Nice,” he took my side and extended the iPad out to me.

Tiny notes in red and blue were written across the outline of the circuit, with numbers and words coupled around the corners. Graphics and reports on the following pages, just the distraction I needed.

“It’s looking good, Evita,” my brother said, excited. “Seems like winning tomorrow won’t be too difficult.”

My pace in the race simulations during the morning testing was great and we had gathered enough data to not be too worried about the next day's race. Besides, the small issues I’d found with the wheel were quickly fixed by the team. Nothing to worry about.

“I’ll be going now,” my eyes moved up from the screen, finding Carlos’. His gaze seemed to be waiting for something, and after a beat, he said, “Unless you need any help.” His words held an almost pleading quality.

I looked back down at the screen, trying to kill the tug of sympathy he’d awoken just then. “We don’t,” I said; from the corner of my eye, I saw Rio looking at his friend, an apologetic look on his face. “I’ll see you around, Sainz.”

And then, he was gone and Rio didn’t even try to confront my attitude. Carlos stopped walking when he was just a black shadow against the strong light of a spotlight positioned at the end of the pit lane.

“If you have plans, you can go,” I said.

“Wait for me for breakfast, tomorrow,” Rio slid up the zipper of his jacket. “Try to get some good rest, tonight.”

Some kind of weight forced my head down, until I was more than sure they wouldn’t be there when I looked up.  Alone in the pit lane, I looked at the iPad, trying to find a distraction to avoid processing what had just happened—just like he used to do before, he inebriated me with his presence and stripped me from any shield I had held against him.

For a brief moment, I hoped to win the next day’s race, not just to win it, but to see him under the podium. Show him I was doing good, in fact, showing him that I was doing great. But then, like the universe was punishing me for my thoughts,  it all came crashing down. I was not there as he celebrated his maiden win. He didn’t deserve to the there tomorrow. He didn’t deserve to be here today.

That night, when I lay down to sleep, nostalgia was running in my blood. My skin burning like his presence had started a fever that was taking me whole. Fingers tingling. Soul aching.

I tried so hard to convince myself it would have been better if he hadn’t shown up but at the same time, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, he had taken some time for me, and that was everything I had desired for a long time.

Just some time. Some attention. To feel that I mattered to him.

And I finally got it and, having it, relief came accompanied by a whirlwind of doubt. That encounter wasn’t nearly enough to fix anything. He shouldn’t be there. He didn’t deserve to be there, to be around. He had to do more for me if he wanted to mend something.

And that sparked another idea: if that’s all I needed— everything I'd done for him to be repaid, then I'd never loved him. Because this wasn't the love, in its purest form, that I’d once thought I felt.

That was not caring. That was not love.

Love is not selfish. Is not needy. Is not asking for too much attention or being content with a small fraction of someone else's time. Love is about commitment, and not about expecting the same in return.

I was not okay with being an option, I was not okay with a fraction of his time. I was not okay with being a past-time for when he finds the time, but I was also not okay with the idea of losing him, again. Not that I ever had him, not that I had him just because he came back, but at least, I had a bit of him. And I was not okay with the idea of losing him completely. To disappear from his world. To be forgotten by him. Again.

I was not okay with the idea of moving on without him.

I was not okay with the idea of him moving on without me.

I was not okay with any of this, but I did not know what to do. Too quickly, I failed my own promise. I was too deep in the memories and my mind was already finding ways to chase them. I felt lost.

That night I dreamed about the stormy night. I pictured his adult form on the bed in front of me. The adult me was still scared of thunderstorms. Our hands were extended towards each other, but this time the beds were too apart, and I couldn’t reach him.

He made no effort to reach me.

__________________________________

Of course, he was not there.

Rio pushed me into a thigh hug as I got off the car, muttering words of praise in my ear. “So proud, so proud, you’re amazing.” Fucking hell, it felt amazing. There wasn’t a moment when we thought we weren’t gonna win that race, but each corner was an opportunity to take risks and increase the lead. The gap to the second car stretched with every lap, the machine roared around me in an amazing symphony. The track was amazing. The light rain only helped. The team was ecstatic. Hugs, victory songs, a lot of laughter.

Another win. Three in a row.

Mugello had an incredible public and an incredible atmosphere. Red and yellow all over the place, prancing horses in every hat or flag. I stood on the podium, watery eyes when the crowd joined the Italian anthem that played on full volume. I looked for him—I should know better, but of course, I looked for him—and he was not there. The champagne washed away any pain the disappointment had caused and my brother's smile, celebrating on the pit lane floor alongside the entire team, made me forget about anything other than the race I had just won.

After that, a long shower followed. Half drunk on champagne, we rummaged into the town, finding rivals and friends amongst Italian teens in the nightclubs.

Another podium and I had my championship. Two races left. It could not escape.

And after three wins in a row, a podium seemed an easy task.

And those were enough reasons to celebrate like tomorrow would not exist. We danced the night away, flirting my way through the bottles on display in the club’s bar. We stepped outside well before 6 am, the sun already peaking between the old beautiful buildings.

“Not that you really care, but I won.”

In my defence, I was pretty drunk when I sent that to Carlos, drunk enough to think into it but apparently sharp enough to escape any typing mistakes.

Rio was trying to find us a uber to take us back to the RV, but he was taking his time and I was bored and drunk and with a loose tongue. The alcohol was siding with my anger, the rage making my stomach twist. Very quickly, the status of the message changed from “sent” to “read”, but there was no sign of a response.

He read the message. He was awake.

Impatient as always, I called him. He picked up right away.

“Hey,” he said. Hoarse, deep voice. I can’t lie and say it didn’t make my stomach twist even more.

“Hi,” my brother looked back confused, likely trying to figure out who I was talking to. As quickly as he had turned around to me, I turned his attention back to his phone. “I’m drunk.”

“I can tell.”

“I want to talk to you,” I heard a sigh on the other end and the ruffle of sheets. “Maybe later?”

“No, no,” he rushed to say. I heard him breathe, and then his sleepy voice spoke again. “Talk about what?”

“The past.” A pause. “How it hurts to know you’ve always had time for Rio.  You go out every. time. you’re in Madrid.” Another pause. My gaze fell on a pigeon walking around in front of me. “Why were you sooooo busy to see me but always had time for him?”

“I was an idiot. That’s how.”

“You were.” I was nodding, although he could not see me. “Oh, God, you are. And I am too. And I was because you were so… shitty to me sometimes, and I always forgave you because I understood your life and because I understood your work and I loved you. Oh my God, I loved you. And you were a fucking idiot. You didn’t even s—”

“Eva… I’m sorry. I—”

“No, I don’t want your apology.” The pigeon took flight, as my voice burst out to stop him from talking. “I just want you to know it hurts. And coming were on the night before a race? For real?” I paused. “Also, think about all the conversations we had on the phone when you moved to the UK and you were feeling homesick. All that time, I used to think I reminded you of home.” I chortled at my own stupidity. “And I was so fucking stupid,” a short laugh erupted through my lips again, “so so stupid because it took me months to realize you only called me because I was the only person that would pick up the phone at any time. You knew that, you used that, you used me.”

“That's not tru—”

“Don’t! Don’t interrupt me, please.” He mumbled a fast apology. “Until today, I felt like you owed me something. But… “ I took my hand to my stomach, feeling sick all of a sudden. “It’s not your fault I had all these expectations.”

I said too much, too fast, and my stomach was aching, my mind was rushing and the world was spinning around me. Carlos then started talking but I couldn’t hear his voice clearly. I put the phone down on the step I was sitting on and leaned forward. The only thing I could see, besides the cobblestones and the pigeon that had come back, was Rio’s feet, rushing back to me.

“You okay?”

“Drunk as fuck,” I replied and, as an answer, I got a small chuckle from him.

I lay down my head on his shoulder, my eyes closing for mere seconds; the soft sensation of his lips against my hair made me open them again.

“Just please,” he paused and stroked my back gently, “please, don’t throw up in the uber.”

A tired chuckle managed to drag itself from my lips, an antithesis to my watery eyes and sick stomach. A car stopped in front of us and my brother’s firm embrace accompanied me there. Settling down on the too-hot and too-smelly car, I opened my eyes to collect the last image from that weekend: the first rays of sunshine dropping over the Santa Maria del Fiore Cathedral, its dome painted across the periwinkle sky, the lines of it experimental and incoherent due to the layer of tears that blurred my vision.

Next Chapter: 02.

_______

Hello there, soooo I hope you enjoy this. I’ve been writing Tightrope for like 5/6 months, now? It’s been a while, I know. I have a few chapters ready and I’m loving to write Eva and Carlos so much that I feel it’s time to share them with the world.  I’m thinking about doing weekly updates, maybe sunday nights? If I’m not talking to the void, you can give me your opinions on that.  Also, English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for eventual mistakes. 

All the love, Bru 🤍

[mountain-dew-tickledpink]

Reflection

hesitant to call this boyfs but it kind of his but also isn’t lol

It’s not like Michael ever truly hated Jeremy for the incident junior year with the play and the stupid computer pill. He couldn’t do that, but that didn’t meant that he didn’t need space from Jeremy for a while.

The space ended up being more than he expected. A week grew into a two weeks and then a month and then six months and now he and Jeremy barely talked. It made Michael feel kind of bitter at first, why wasn’t Jeremy doing more to reach out?

But he hadn’t been doing a lot either, and eventually the six months turned into a few years. College happened, new friends happened. But Michael couldn’t help but still think about Jeremy sometimes.

Whatever brought up the conversation he didn’t remember, but Michael was in one of these new friend’s living room on the couch and talking about Jeremy.

“We were best friends for twelve years,” he laughed a little, not focusing on the TV anymore as Eleanor, the friend, listened. “I actually can’t remember a time when I was younger that he wasn’t there.”

There was a pause. The curly brown haired girl squinted her eyes slightly. “Go on…?”

Michael just looked up at the ceiling and shrugged. “And it’s weird because he was kind of my whole life? But I didn’t really listen to him that well.” He took a breath. “I just always assumed we would be on the same page about everything, and we were at some points, but I guess I didn’t realize how he wanted to do things outside of me?”

“That’s what she said.” Eleanor’s eyes opened wide right after she said that. Maybe she realized that wasn’t the most appropriate time to make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke, but she stuffed some more popcorn in her mouth.

“Anyways, he eventually got a girlfriend and we had both needed some space. And then the spacing just kept… space-ing?”

Michael took off his glasses and started to clean them on his shirt as he continued. “Things were just complicated, but you know what’s funny? I think he was in some ways my first heartbreak.”

“So you liked him?” Eleanor asked, handing the popcorn bowl back to Michael once he had his glasses back on.

“I mean, yes and no.” He tried to explain. “Like, I would’ve done anything for him. We did kiss a few times in middle school out of curiosity, but I already knew I liked boys before him. We would hold hands, and he was honestly cute, yeah..”

“It kind of sounds like you’re still in love with him…?” Eleanor raised an eyebrow. Michael shook his head.

“No, we haven’t talked in maybe six years.” Technically, they had talked. They still wished each other well on holidays and texted each other for birthdays, but nothing beyond that. “But it still really hurt when we stopped talking.”

“I can imagine.” The girl nodded and then grabbed some more popcorn from the bowl. Michael did too.

It was all complicated. Michael hadn’t even been mad about the squip anymore, or for being left behind. If anything, for a while he had been more upset with the confused feelings he felt like he had been left alone to deal with.

Did he leave Jeremy alone with these feelings too, Michael would often wonder. It’s not like he meant to, he would never hurt Jeremy so badly on purpose.

“After we stopped talking, it felt like losing a limb at first. He had been pretty much everything to me and then was gone?”

Had he been in love with Jeremy or had he just been scared of the change that would’ve happened if Jeremy left?

Was it really a crush or did he just so happen to like holding and giving Jeremy kisses on the cheek and letting him rest his head on his lap?

Why was he thinking so hard about the codependent relationship he used to have? Okay, that wasn’t fair, that relationship had been one of his most important ones for most of his life.

Eventually Michael had been quiet long enough that Eleanor just focused on the movie again, and he pulled out his phone and went through his messages.

He clicked on Jeremy’s name after some scrolling and just stared at the last message. It had been one from himself, just a “you too” after Jeremy said for him to have a good birthday.

Hello

Michael typed out before pressing the backspace button and just putting his phone away.

[yunhowifeu]

Decide

Word count: 2k+

Warnings: none

About: two guys, one decision

__________________________________________

Me and woo young have been friends for a while now, I’ve had a crush on him for a bit tho and idk wether he likes me or not because u see, woo young is flirty w everyone including me, and idk what to think of it. Yeosang has also been my friend tho and I’ve also started liking him, he is just so sweet and thoughtful but I like woo young more and well it’s a bit complicated. I have another close friend, his name is woozi, I tell him all my boy problems, it’s not like he wants me to sometimes but even then he listens to me and comforts me or gives me advice, he actually listens to me ranting abt anything. He is a really busy guy tho and it’s quite hard to find times that will work for both of us to hangout. I work at a convenient store, I work the night shift except Saturdays and Sunday’s tho so I basically have all day to hangout but well he has a lot to work on for the group and well I’m understanding of it but sometimes we go months without talking and that honestly worries me. Anyways tho back to my first topic, woozi told me to try and make a move on woo young to see if he likes me back or not but honestly I’m too scared to do that, he could either like me back but might not be able to get together cuz he is an idol or he dosent like me back and we stop being friends cuz I made it weird. Gosh why r crushes so hard for me.

One day I decide to make a move, I felt bold, so I texted woo young-

[7:05pm] me:

hey woo, wanna come over and watch a movie?

[7:20pm] woo:

I’m hanging out w a girl rn but I’ll lyk once I’m free

Ofc he was w a girl, he always is, recently I’ve barely had any time to hang out w wooyoung.

I felt upset and felt like ranting to woozi abt how upset I am at wooyoung and how excited I was to make a move but now I can’t cuz I’m not always this bold. I text woozi-

[7:23pm] me:

Jihoon, can u come over? I wanna talk

I waited for his text for an hour and still no answer. I decide to text Yeosang next. They r my only three closest friends and well Yeosang was my only hope at this point.

[8:30pm] me:

Yeo, can u come over pls? :/

[8:31pm] Yeo:

Sure, is everything okay?

[8:32pm] me:

No, but I’ll tell u once u come over.

[8:33pm] Yeo:

Got it, I’m omw

I eat chips and scroll through TikTok while I wait. I don’t have to wait long cuz he gets here pretty quick.

I open the door and pull him in by his hand, I close the door, and I hug him. He returns the hug. “So what’s up” he says. I sigh and I say,“Wooyoung situation”.

I had told yeosang abt my little crush on wooyoung before but not abt the making a move plan.“What did he do this time?”he asked. I grab yeosang’s hand and bring him to the living room. We both sit on the couch. “I was gonna make a move on him today cuz I was feeling brave and all but look”, I said as I showed him the text messages w wooyoung. ”that sucks”, he says as he rubbed my back for comfort. “It’s so unfair, it’s like he dosent get the hint, this is so annoying, he is so annoying”, I say covering my face w my hands. “Well wooyoung can be stubborn at times, don’t overthink it, he probably like u back, everything will be fine” he says. I hear a ding coming from my phone, I take my hands away from my face and reach for my phone from the table. “Wooyoung texted me” I say. “What did he say?” Yeo asks.

[8:59pm] woo:

Can’t come over, I’ll be staying over at the girl’s house tonight

[9:00pm] me:

I figured 😒

[9:01pm] woo:

Sorry🤷🏻‍♂️

[9:02pm] me:

K.

[9:03pm] woo:

Don’t be salty y/n

[9:04pm] me:

Wtv I didn’t expect any less from u anyways, u always do this, u never have time for me anymore

[9:05pm] woo:

It’s not like ur my gf, calm down, no wonder u don’t have a bf

[9:06pm] me:

Wth do u mean by that?

[9:07pm] woo:

I mean ur so clingy, u always want me around, I have my own life too yk and I don’t appreciate u sticking on me like a bug

[9:08pm] me:

So I’m just a bug to u now? What abt our friendship? Does that mean nothing to u? Friends give friends attention

[9:09pm] woo:

I’m literally giving u attention rn, ur wasting my time tho, I could be getting closer w this girl yet I’m here texting u while ur acting childish

“I can’t believe him! That jerk!” I put my phone back on the table, leaning back on the couch, forgetting yeosang was even there cuz of how into the convo I was w wooyoung, I felt like crying. “What happen?” He asks. I look at yeosang. “Read the messages” i say and I lean my head back again. Yeosang picks up my phone and checks the messages. Yeosang has my password since we r close anyways and I don’t make passwords a big deal w people I consider close. “Wow” he was putting my phone back and opens his arms indicating for a hug so I hug him tight. “Let’s watch a movie and eat snacks? Yeah? How does that sound?” Yeosang offered, he was always so comforting and caring, and that day I just fell for yeosang more. We get comfortable on the couch eating some popcorn and chips watching some movies. After a while I fall asleep and so does yeosang, we wake up in the morning to loud knocking at the door. I open the door and see wooyoung. He slightly pushes me without saying anything, walking in the house. He goes up to yeosang. “Get up, hongjoong wants us Al back in the dorm by 10 for a meeting” he tells him. Yeosang gets up and shuffles his hair a bit and fixes his clothing as he stands up. I go up to wooyoung. “A may I come in would have been nice yk” I say. Wooyoung and yeosang don’t say anything as they just walk towards the door then yeosang turns around and smiles “see u” he says waving. Wooyoung turns around and says, “Oh btw, tysm for yesterday, ur such an amazing friend” sarcastically. “What r u talking abt? Ur literally the one who ruined my night”I say. “The girl I was w saw me texting u abt that nonsense and thought u were my gf” he says slightly raising his voice. “How is that my fault?” I raise my voice too. “Would u just quit being so clingy, I expected the conversation to end after I told u not to be salty, grow up, ur just ruining my chances w actual good women” he says raising his voice more. “U Moran, I liked u! I just realized tho, that u have always been so selfish, u never actually cared abt me, u never actually took my feelings into consideration” I say

“How was I supposed to know u liked me?” He asks. “I was so obvious abt it!” I say madly. “Ok guys let’s not do this rn please” yeosang says slightly moving between me and wooyoung. “Respectfully yeosang this is none of ur business” says wooyoung. “Come on it’s almost ten anyways, we gotta go” yeosang says dragging wooyoung out the door. Wooyoung let’s yeosang drag him out but then turns around again and says “we aren’t friends anymore, don’t contact me ever again, and don’t even think to come over to the dorms cuz I don’t feel like even seeing ur face around”. I slam my door and I sit on the ground crying.

[10:07am] woozi:

Sorry I was busy and forgot to respond

[10:08am] me:

It’s fine

[10:09am] woozi:

I have time rn tho, want me to come over?

Typically I would say yes but honestly I wanted space at the moment.

[10:10am] me:

Sorry, not today

[10:11am] woozi:

Oh alr that’s fine, and I’m sorry again

I ghosted people for a while cuz wooyoung’s words got to me and made me think I was too clingy to everyone. After some weeks I hear a knock at my door so I opened it and see hongjoong. “hey, I heard what happened and I’d like to apologize from wooyoung’s behalf”he says.”but also, we don’t want drama so I come to ask for u to not be seen around any of the members atleast until the scandals from the fans calm down” he says. “Oh I get it” I say.

Days later I hear another knock at the door but this time it’s wooyoung. “What”I say. “I’m sorry for everything I said and did”he says. “Did hongjoong send u here to say that or smth?”I ask. “No, I’m genuinely sorry” he says. He continues,”and well I actually liked u too”. “What r u talking abt, u literally broke my heart that night and we weren’t even together, yk how hurt I was” I say. “Look ik u might not believe me but trust me I did like u, hongjoong forced me to act like that, the manager saw how people online were already shipping us and everything but they didn’t want any scandals so the manager told hongjoong and we’ll hongjoong told me to act like I wasn’t interested in u and everything, I wasn’t even w a girl that night, it was all made up, u can ask yeosang tho, he didn’t know at first but after leaving ur house I cried and I told yeosang the whole thing, that’s why I started distancing myself aswell but it hurt me to do it”. He said. I was in disbelief.”but if u really liked me u would have broken the rules a little bit or smth” I say. “Y/n, look, I’m an idol, it’s not that simple”he said. “Well is that all u wanted to tell me?u can be on ur way now if that’s all” I say. “No, wait, abt rule breaking” he pauses then continues”I’m willing to bend the rules a bit if it means being w u”. “What do u mean?” I ask, “I mean will u be my girlfriend?” He says. My eyes widen. I been thinking abt getting even closer to yeosang after a while but now wooyoung is asking me out. I didn’t know what to do. “Idk woo, can I have time to think abt it?” I ask. “Alright, but lmk please” he says as there is an awkward silence and I nod then he leaves. I had started liking yeosang more lately but wooyoung confessed and I used to like him more, what if I got w wooyoung? Would I like him again?would I be happy?but yeosang is so caring but idk if he would be willing to even date. Gosh idk

I call yeosang and ask him to come over. He gets here a few minutes later. “Hongjoong would be mad if he saw me here rn” he says. “I’m sorry but I just need to talk to u abt smth that’s been on my mind lately” I say.

We sit together on the couch. I sigh and say “ok yeosang, well, wooyoung confessed and asked me to be his gf even if it meant breaking the rules”. “Oh well what did u say?” He asks. “I said I would think abt it but actually I’ve liked someone else for a while and I think I like them more now but idk if he likes me back and if he is willing to break the rules too” I say. “Is he a K-pop idol?” He asks. “Yes” I answer. “Well who is it?” He asks. I hesitate but then say it “you”. “Really?” He asks looking surprised. “Yea, it’s been a while that I moved on from wooyoung and I just couldn’t stop thinking abt u” I say. “Well r u suggesting we date?” He asks. “Yes” I say scared what he would say next but instead he didn’t say anything, he just pulled me in for a kiss. I had my answer right there. I was so happy. I hugged him tightly. He giggled and hugged me back tight. “Yk, I’ve actually liked u since a few years ago when we had first met” he says. I look up and smile. I was really happy but now I had to figure out a way to tell wooyoung no.

I invited wooyoung over. He came over and sat down to yeosang and I. “I have the answer” I say. “Well I’m sorry, I just don’t like u as much as I used to, and well I’m dating someone now” I say. “Who?” He asks. I hold yeosang hand and hold it up to show wooyoung. “Oh” he says seeming disappointed.

Time passes and word got around but I convinced the manager to let us stay together and the fans actually liked the fact that we were dating quite a lot except there was one scandal abt how me and wooyoung should have been the ones ending up together and well yeosang got a bit insecure but I comforted him and we have been happy together ever since.

[endlessbittersweetdreams]

"Broken & Beautiful" Chapter 22

NOTES: Kudos to @peageetibbs for providing some insight into Simone's behavior as far as the manipulation is concerned. Although I don't know Simone's motives, the input helped me flesh out the Dr. Wright segment of this chapter.

Also, bear in mind that (A) Lilah has no idea about what Simone did to Jake when he was younger (the s*xual a*use and gro*ming). If she did, she wouldn't even try to understand Simone. She only knows what she told the psychiatrist; and (B) Simone's behavior can never be justified, knowing what we know about her.

     It’s Thursday morning, and I wake up with a feeling of dread in my stomach. I know I need to seek an outsider’s opinion regarding my situation with Jake, but I’m afraid of what Dr. Wright will tell me. What if she advises me to step away from the relationship? What if she says there’s nothing to be done? Not to mention the fact that I feel guilty for planning on talking to her about this; like I’m betraying Jake. I know, deep down in my heart, that he would be none too pleased if he learned that his dynamic with Simone is the reason why I’m seeing Dr. Wright today. In fact, he’d be livid. But I feel like I have no choice. I can’t just talk to him about it because I’ve seen how loyal he is to Simone. Yet I can’t function like this anymore.

     Jake fell asleep on his back, with his arm under me. This means that I don’t have to pry myself out of his grip. Don’t get me wrong. I adore the fact that he’s a cuddler. Sometimes, there’s nothing I look forward to more than waking up in his arms. But I have to get ready for my appointment, and I don’t have a lot of time on my hands.

     I crawl out of bed, dressed in my cami top and sleep shorts, and take some fresh clothes into the bathroom. I take a quick shower and brush my teeth, all the while thinking about my appointment. By the time I exit the bathroom, dressed in a pair of jeans and a nice sweatshirt, Jake is already sitting up in bed. I sit down next to him, reaching out to play with his bed hair. “Morning.”

     He rubs the sleep out of his eyes, sounding a little groggy. “Morning. Glad I caught you before you left.”

     I lean over and kiss his bare shoulder a few times. “Me, too. I have to leave soon, though.” I lean against him. “Thank you for being so understanding. I know I haven’t been easy to deal with.”

     “You have been pretty hard to take,” he says, smirking at me.

     “No argument from me. But hopefully, Dr. Wright will help.”

     “I still wish you’d tell me what’s going on.”

     “I know. I just don’t want to be a burden.”

     “You’re not a burden.”

     My phone beeps, letting me know that I have a text message. “Looks like my ride is here. I love you, and I’ll see you at work.” We exchange a quick kiss before I get up and head for the door, stopping to look back at Jake when he speaks to me.

     “Hey. Sit with me and Simone at Family Dinner.”

     I fight the urge to cringe when he mentions Simone, offering him a smile and a nod. “Okay.” Who knows? Maybe after my appointment, I’ll be able to handle being around her without wanting to claw her eyes out.

     I arrive about fifteen minutes early. After filling out some update paperwork and then checking in, I sit down and look through the magazines that are spread out on the table in front of me. I find one that peaks my interest and flip through it, stumbling upon a relationship quiz. I am about to answer question #6 (“Is there anything you’d like to try with your lover?”) when I look at the clock and realize that I have just five minutes before my appointment. I glance around the room to make sure I’m not being watched, and then quietly tear the two pages out of the magazine. I fold them up and put them in my purse, giving the receptionist a small smile when she looks my way. Seeing as this magazine was released in 2014, I’m pretty sure it’s okay to tear out two lousy pages.

     My name is called, and I toss the magazine onto the table before I follow Dr. Wright into her office. I take a look around, noticing that she’s made a few changes since our last appointment. “You redecorated,” I comment, my eyes immediately gravitating toward the fish tank in the corner. “And you got some fish!”

     “I did.” She sits in her leather arm chair while I sit down on the couch. “I’ve found that they help create a relaxing environment.” She crosses her legs, getting her notepad and pen ready. “It’s been a while since you’ve come to see me.”

     I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, already feeling nervous. “I know I should come see you more often. It’s just ... things have been busy for me. Thank you for seeing me ... and for not dropping me as a patient.”

     “You’re welcome." Dr. Wright takes a look through her notes as she continues. “The last time we talked, you said that you had experienced something that triggered memories of your mother’s death. Have you experienced any recurrences?”

     I shake my head. “No. I mean, I still think about her all the time. That’ll never change. But ... nothing has triggered me since that incident.”

     She updates her notes and then looks at me expectantly. “So, what would you like to talk about today?”

     Now I’m fidgeting. “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve been seeing someone for a few months now. He, umm ... He’s actually the one who helped me through that first night. You know, when I was triggered.”

     Dr. Wright looks through her notes again. “Jake?”

     I nod. “That’s the one. Anyway ... like I said, we’ve been together for a few months. And somewhere along the way, we actually fell in love. It caught me by surprise. Up until last year, he was the last one I thought I’d fall for. But after ‘the incident’ ... I don’t know. We just suddenly formed a connection. We became friends, and then ... more than friends.”

     “And how is this relationship progressing?” I blink at her, and she elaborates. “Would you say that it’s healthy?”

     “Oh, yes! I mean, we totally respect each other. We’ve got each other’s back. It’s not without some bumps. But overall, it’s great. It’s just ...” I hesitate, fighting the urge to chicken out.

     “Go on.”

     I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “There’s this woman. Simone.”

     “Do you think he’s having a relationship with her?”

     I gesture wildly. “Oh, no! No! No! Definitely nothing like that. It’s just ... She has this hold over him.”

     “How do you mean?”

     I choose my words carefully, not wanting to reveal too much. “Jake’s mother ... left him when he was eight-years-old, and Simone’s family took him in.”

     “That was very kind of them.”

     “Yeah. It was. Except ...” I’ve stopped fidgeting, and now I’m bouncing my leg up and down. “Well, her parents didn’t exactly raise him. Simone did. She was only fifteen at the time.”

     “Where were her parents? Why didn’t they raise Jake?”

     I shake my head. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know much about Simone’s family, really. It’s just ... ever since he was eight, Jake has lived with this fear of abandonment. He thinks of Simone as a mother figure. Which, I guess, is understandable. I mean, she did raise him. But Simone ... It’s like she uses his fear of abandonment to keep him around.”

     “Care to elaborate?”

     “For months, Jake talked non-stop about starting up a business with one of our co-workers. It was supposed to be a bar-slash-restaurant. He was so excited about it, and they even found a space that could work. He and Simone were supposed to sell her parents’ house on the Cape, and he was going to use his share of the money to help start up this business. And then, Simone pulled him aside one day and ... all of a sudden, he decided that he didn’t want to start up the business; that it was a stupid idea and it never would have worked.”

     “And you feel that Simone has something to do with this?”

     I nod. “Yes. Jake told me that she was willing to give up the house; that she encouraged him to use the money to start up the business. And then, he said that she brought up their childhood; how shi ... Sorry. I mean, how rough it was for them. Next thing I know, Jake is involved in this shouting match with Scott because he doesn’t want to go into business with him.”

     Dr. Wright stops taking notes long enough to look at me. “So you believe that Simone, while claiming to support Jake, intended to change his mind about his plans?”

     “Yes. I have a feeling that she’s - I don’t know - addicted to him needing her. And I don’t know what to do. I mean, I can’t exactly talk to him about it.”

     “Why do you say that?”

     “Because he can’t see what’s right in front of him. He is so obligated to her that he doesn’t realize that she manipulates him.”

     “It is true that many people have a difficult time seeing what is obvious to others. Some never do, and Jake may very well be one of those people. Then again, there may come a day when his eyes are opened. If Jake truly doesn’t want to listen to you, there isn’t much you can do other than love him, listen to him, and support him. But remember to set clear boundaries, Lilah. As important as Jake is to you, your mental and emotional welfare must be a priority as well. And ... I know you care for him, but it is not up to you to rescue him.”

     I bow my head and stare down at my interlocked hands, answering quietly. “I know.” It’s a hard pill to swallow, and I hate feeling helpless.

     “And as far as Simone is concerned ... I don’t know much about her. But going by what you’ve told me, she’s been a mother figure for Jake since she was 15-years-old. That is a great responsibility to take on. Especially at such a young age. I don’t know much about her childhood. Only what you’ve told me. But if what you said is true, it sounds like it was a very lonely one. For a time, it may be that Jake was her entire world. And now, even though they are both adults, she may be struggling with letting him go entirely.”

     Dr. Wright pauses, and I allow her words to sink in before she moves on. “There are some mothers - or, in this case, mother figures - who find it difficult to let go once their child has come of age. It may be that Simone feels that she is protecting Jake; that she doing what is right by him. And if this is the case, perhaps she doesn’t realize that she is depriving him of his independence.”

     I nod. “I never really thought of it that way. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

     “I hope it helps,” she answers, closing her notepad and setting down her pen. “I’m afraid our time is up.”

     I stand up and sling my purse over my shoulder, while she opens the door for me. Before I head out, she advises me to consider using my day off to take a mental health break. “Do something that you enjoy,” she says. “Or even something you’ve always wanted to try. Whatever you choose, make sure that it relaxes you. Remember: your mental and emotional health should be your first priority.”

     I nod, giving her a small smile. “I will. Thank you for seeing me.”

     Thankfully, it doesn’t take me too long to hail a cab. During the ride to work, I think about everything Dr. Wright said. All this time, I’ve hated Simone because of what she’s doing to Jake. But I’ve never really thought of her as an actual human being who, like Jake, has been damaged. It’s been easier to think of her as nothing more than a villain who keeps Jake where she wants him because she’s looking out for her own needs. Maybe, in her own way, she has been trying to protect him. And if that’s the case, then that means that what she said is right: we are similar.

     I arrive at 22W about twenty minutes before my shift starts, which gives me plenty of time to get ready and figure out what I’m going to do with the insight I’ve gained. While I don’t see myself ever becoming friends with Simone, I don’t have to be at war with her either.

     I’m adjusting my tie when Jake wanders into the room, carrying his bicycle. I watch as he sets his bike down before he kicks off his shoes. “Look who’s on time.” I close my locker and walk over to him, shaking my head in amusement. “Complete with pillow marks, I see. And I love the slight case of bed hair.”

     He hangs up his jacket and hoodie. “Yeah. I slept through the alarm. Barely had enough time to take a shower and get ready.” He slips out of his shirt and reaches for his dress shirt. “How was your appointment?”

     I lean against the lockers, watching as he buttons his shirt. “It was fine. I feel better. She helped me quite a bit.” He’s about to slip out of his jeans when I touch his arm. “Umm ... You haven’t said anything to Simone. Have you? You know, about me seeing a psychiatrist?”

     He furrows his brows at me, confused. “No. Why would I?” He shoves his jeans into the locker and pulls on his work pants.

     I shrug. “I don’t know. Just thought I’d ask. It’s just ... I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I don’t tell a lot of people about it.”

     He gives me a smile as he buckles his belt and zips up his pants. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”

     “Thanks. And just so you know, I’m going to work on being a little less worried. You know, about you. Will. Sasha. Ari. Maggie. Pretty much everything and everyone.”

     “Oh, yeah?”

     “Yeah. It’s exhausting, for starters. And it helps no one.”

     “Ain’t that the truth?” Jake jokes, straightening his tie before turning to face me. “Seriously, though. I’m glad you feel better.”

     “I do. I mean, I’m not fixed. Like you always say, no one is ever fixed. But I feel lighter.” I stand on my tip-toes and pull him in for a kiss. “Thank you for being so patient with me. I know I can be pretty annoying when I’m in one of my moods. I promise you that I really am going to try to lighten up.”

     “You’re welcome.” Jake puts on his shoes, and we make our way out of the locker room. “Are you still going to sit with me and Simone?”

     “Yeah.”

@anastacia-lynn

@mypsychoticlove

[changing-future]

How is it that I have more friends and people who I do know care about me than ever in my life. Yet I feel lonelier than ever. As I know I’m cared for but truly also secondary in everyone’s thoughts at the same time. Even my partner. I love her, and I know she loves me, and cares for me deeply. But I also know she has no sexual attraction for me. But she does for others. I know that it’s because I don’t have a vagina. She’s said as much. And that things would change when I eventually do. But things didn’t start this way when we got together. She just sort of came to realize things but it hurts still. In its own way. To know that the thing I don’t have, and want, is part of why she never wants to have sex ever. And we’re poly yes. So I know we can go to others and everything. But I truly don’t have time, neither of us do, to meet new people, and none of my friends are into me in that manner, which is fine, they’re under no obligation to. But some are into her. And it hurts. To again feel secondary. Even the friends of mine that I’ve known longer than anyone else no longer message me first about hanging out or talking or anything. They message her. It’s no one’s fault. I’m just always a secondary thought to most people I guess. No one ever messages me first, or reaches out. No one pursues me. No one ever seems to want to continue conversations with me when I do try and reach out. No one calls me. But I know all of my friends do text, call, and reach out to each other. Cause they all talk about it when we are all hanging out. And just. I know I’m cared for by them. I know they do want me around. But it hurts in its own way. Knowing and feeling that in every way. I’m always a secondary thought. They always ask for hanging out through my partner. She’s always the one who people call, and I know she reaches out to people as well; but still. It hurts in its own way. When I do try and reach out, and never get much of anything in response. To feel incredibly lonely. As everyone else of my friends all get closer and talk about it. It feels like being left out in the cold in some ways. And I just. I don’t want anything much really. I just want my friends to actually reach out sometimes. To ask how I am. But no one ever does. No one ever just asks if I’m okay. If I want to hang out. Just me. None of my friends ever check in on me, even as I reach out and try and check in when I know they are struggling and it hurts more cause I know I’m not obligated to reach out either and I know they aren’t as well. No one is required to do so. But it hurts so much. It just hurts feelings so so secondary. As the enjoyable afterthought to be included by virtue of others. Yes I’m wanted. But I’ve never been shown by anyone that I’m actually wanted as much as everyone else. I know all of my other friends hang out more without me. I know they do things in small groups. And I just. I just want to stop feeling so alone even surrounded by people I call my friends and loved ones. My partner is rather touch averse too. So we barely cuddle and she normally sleeps in another room. I know she loves me. And I truly care for her deeply. But even still. I feel so distant from her sometimes. We have deeply intimate conversations but we barely cuddle, we barely hold hands. I just. I want to feel desirable. In any way. As a friend. As a partner. As anything. I just feel so broken. And secondary. It feels like it’s my fault. And even when I bring it up lightly. It’s always refuted, and I’m told I’m wrong. But never once have I ever seen behavior change, or anyone try and just reach out more. I just want to feel like people actually care I guess? Idk. I just. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Never have I felt as lonely as now. Even with so many friends who I know care. I just feel like a very transactional friend. Like someone who is there by chance and is fun. But never the person who you truly seek out for their company. Is that just too much to ask? That literally any one of my friends reach out sometimes to just? Ask if I’m okay? If Id want to hang out?

I just. I don’t know how to explain how much deeper the loneliness feels now that I have people, than it ever did without. I hate this feeling. And I don’t know what to do.

Ignore this for everyone also. This is just a personal rant and venting. I know no one will see this. This is just to get things out.

[addictivepsychology]

Day 106

What a week it’s been

A storm, everything is a mess,

But somehow clean,

And better than before, ready to grow,

I really appreciate all my friends and support through everything, I can’t do life without you,

You all are how I live without going crazy,

Jed,

We went to dinner and drinks,

Shot some pool and I actually beat you in some games,

You’re amazing but out of practice,

We talked about our past lives and current ones,

About my emotions and about

Your non existent ones

I was previously in love with a diagnosed psychopath

Without knowing it,

He says I knew him at the worst time in his life,

He said he isn’t the same person

And will never be that rude again

He says he is surprised a suck around abcs that he said some weird things,

That the previous “soulmate” was toxic,

And that I should’ve at least felt wanted by him, but I hadn’t,

He said he loved me,

That I’m one of his favorite people,

That in another reality we would be married for life,

The closure is so sweet,

I knew that I knew you so much more than you’d known,

You say you should’ve trusted my words, but you were

Paranoid

I love you and always will

You said you loved me as we hugged outside of the bar,

I’m glad you’re better,

I’m glad you feel better

And healed

The chapter can somewhat close and I can have peace on it,

It wasn’t me,

It was you

It was always you

Work takes up so much of my life

And I barely even enjoy it

It feels useless

But it won’t be on my resume,

Head teacher,

It sounds so good,

But worth so little compared to my sanity

You texted me this morning, saying

Your day is yours, it’ll be great, sending good vibes,

But sometimes I need to vent and cuss and get it out

I don’t always need positivity

And I know you’re not all rainbows and sunshine inside either

I always felt it was kind of a front,

Even just to you,

You say your phone service is shut off and you’re looking for an hourly job

“I’m not in the best place to date right now. I love all your love and support, but I don’t want to drag you down.”

As much as I wanted to say it’s fine

It’s not fine

It is too much on my plate right now

You need to get your emotions and your life in order before adding anything else

I’m sorry

But I’m not anxious anymore, trying to figure how I feel or what to do about you

You were trying to reach out and see how I’d respond

I’m sorry I didn’t respond how you wanted

But I’m not sorry

I think you were surprised as well since you didn’t text back

But you also need to be honest with yourself

Fully honest

And feel everything without reservation

So that chapter is closed

We haven’t been able to talk much it kind of sucks

When I go to bed, you’re waking up,

When I go to work, you get off work then

By the time I get home, you’re sleeping ,

Our window to talk seems to close on me work days

Vacation was so nice

And I feel bad if you feel I’m being distant

But you say you’re just here for me wherever I am

And I’ve never done that before

So it feels kind of odd giving away things without knowing what you look like

But the freedom is also freeing

Princess,

What a whirlwind,

You got a hotel for us next weekend and I’m so exited

I can’t remember the last time a man planned something for me

They usually don’t

I usually have to do the work,

Maybe I’m meeting the wrong men

Are you a right one

I’m so excited to see you,

We talk on the phone for hours every time,

I just got home at 3am, hungover

I went out with 2 of my girlfriends and we drank

And laughed and danced

I love them so much

I’m so grateful

I’ll buy a ring tomorrow

We will see

It’s so cold, but who’s more frozen,

I can’t wait to eat tomorrow, I’m so hungry

As usual,

But hungry is a good feeling, it means I’ll stay skinny

The alcohol helps so much

But I would never depend on it,

I love being sober

My mornings are so peaceful when I’m sober,

But I won’t get that tomorrow sadly,

Maybe we will,

I can’t wait to see Mari tomorrow,

She will help me shop

I’m drunk

And I love you all for the support and love you’ve given me,

I wouldn’t be here without you

[mtndewpitchblack]

if you see this no the FUCK you don't but having said that. no reblogs vent under readmore

IF AT ANY POINT YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN PARSE THE IDENTITIES OF ANY FOLLOWING SUBJECT ALIASES [3, 4, 5, 5², 5³, 5⁴, 5⁵, 7] EXIT THE READMORE!!!!

It feels like all of my friends are so busy right now. Everyone I know and hang out with has something else going on, and it's not their fault. I can't blame them, life is busy! I get that! It just feels, really strongly, like they're all finding time for things, though. Just not me. [7] and [5] are busy as hell obviously but it turns out they, well, at least [7], is hanging out with [5²] despite saying that [7] and I would hang out like last week :(. And I tried this weekend and [7] was, again, busy, after I canceled plans with [5³]

post canceled i just need friends with not 5 letter names

post uncanceled. anyways i canceled rave plans with [5³] bc i just had a long emotional conversation with [5²] and even THEN i felt like I was ignoring the stuff I felt and wanted to say just to make [5²] feel better AGAIN. because it's not like I've been doing everything I can to make other people feel better for the last like 5 years of my overactive guilty conscience!!! but I had to make [5²] feel better, of course, because IM not the most hurt one here, but then, it turns out [5²] was JUST HANGING OUT WITH [7]!!! IVE BEEN TRYING!!!!!!!! [7] HAD [5²] HELPING [7] CLEAN [7] APARTMENT!!! LIKE I HAVWNT BEEN TRYING TO TEXT THE GC FOR TWO WEEKS TRYING TO SEE [7+5]!!!! [5] isn't even replying anymore, and I KNOW [5] is busy but fuck ME if it doesn't seem like it's just ME Specifically Getting Ignored!!! I shouldn't have to text [5] individually just to get some kind of response (note I have not actually done that yet. If [5] is ignoring me for some reason that's HIS thing to navigate.) but like. three years or so. I've been trying to be helpful and nice amd funny and interesting and trying so hard not to talk too much about my interests because I've already made [7, 5²] involve themselves in my interests a fuck ton as it is, and [5] doesn't always do well with recommendations, which I have been trying so hard not to take personally because I know [5] doesn't mean it!!

Anyways I canceled the plans with [5³] to relax and not break down and because I also was supposed to hang out with [5⁴] and either watch my fav movie, a new show [5⁴] showed me, or I'd get to show [5⁴] one of the abandoned buildings nearby, which are all activities that LITERALLY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FRIDAY then. [5⁴] wasn't feeling good. so we raincheck for sat. Well now, it's sat, and [5⁴] has to go home to visit [5⁴] family, so we put it off for Sunday, and then it's Sunday, and [5⁴] gets back, barely texts about how [5⁴] water just got shut off and how there's an errand [5⁴] has to run, then about how "I'm sorry I'm so exhausted" which I GET bc it's your PARENTS HOUSE trust me brother i understand. so i try to reach out to literally any of my friends that I'm pretty sure might have time. See previous for results on this test with [7]. I didn't text [5, 5², 5³] or [5⁴], bc [5] isn't responding, I canceled with [5³], i still need time and space IRT [5²], and [5⁴] obviously canceled on me three days in a row which means [5⁴] MAY have lied about not being tired of me. But it turns out [3] was busy, and doesn't really ask me to clarify much on what I'm upset about, and ofc I'm not reaching out to mom and dad about this shit, and [5⁵+4] were supposed to play minecraft with me like ALL WEEKEND AND [4] kept canceling because of his late ass work shifts (ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED) and [5⁵] was barely on, bored, and isolated the whole time, and that was only like, Saturday, the only day anybody beyond myself alone played!! [5⁵+4] aren't even replying in our group chat sometimes!!! [5⁵] was just sitting AFK in the nether all day yesterday which means he was ONLINE SOMETIME BEFORE I GOT ON AND DIDNT TELL ANYONE DESPITE ME AAKING IN THE GROUPCHAT IF ANYONE WANTED TO PLAY YESTERDAY!!!! This shit is why losing friends always hurts me so goddamn much, because it seems like no matter how long it takes someone always eventually decides I'm too much and they start to step away. And what am I supposed to do, bring it up? Get my attention back out of guilt?? What kind of fucking egomaniac would I have to beeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! And sure there's inevitably a healthy way to communicate this stuff, but if they're BUSY I don't want to BOTHER them and if they're IGNORING ME then it doesn't MATTWR WHAT I SAY I GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mahpaiam]

march 28, 2023

I feel like I am the problem.

It's spring break. I finished my linear algebra midterm. Yesterday, I attended a Beabadoobe concert. i met this guy there who was pre-med at UC Davis. He likes the same music I do, specifically also Pheobe Bridgers. He looks like a dream. But it's just another silly crush, he's going back to his school anyway and has a ton of pretty girl friends. I can't compete.

I've been thinking about that lately, I really cannot compete with all of these pretty girls. This is bad to say but I get envious when somewhat cute guys outwardly hit on my friends, like Emily and Kelly. They're so much prettier than me and I know guys don't like me the same way. I'm just not like that.

I also think my friends hate me. No one has reached out to me to hangout which I'm not upset over, just usually when we have breaks we hangout. I just didn't contact them myself because I wanted to see if they liked me outside of being forced to hang out context. Tri didn't even reply to my text when I asked him for advice.

Maybe I'm just sensitive but I get so sad when friends don't reply to texts. I know it's too much to ask for constant replies but when it's almost every time I text, it makes me feel bad.

Today has been hard. I slept immediately when I got home from work and was so tired I didn't manage to get out of bed til 9. I felt so physically tired. I always feel so tired all the time. I think I'm becoming sad again. I know I should be more optimistic. I'm scared God won't be happy with me if I'm not. But this level of misconstrued religious beliefs is crazy. God loves me, I know that. But I put so much immense pressure on myself to keep my thoughts in align and don't let myself feel anything. It's crazy and not at all what I should be doing.

This sadness is getting worse and I don't know how to fix it. I try not to feel sad and do what I like. But i never have time anymore for anyone or anything. Not even things that I like. I just feel like I'm not smart. But I know I shouldn't fear because God loves me.

I wish it was summer. Then I could read books and lie in bed and watch movies and do things I like. I'm so scared about all this. I feel so overworked and tired sometimes. Mornings are hard and I'm late to almost everything. I can barely get myself out of bed and a mere second glance or snide comment from someone sends me into extreme anxiety.

I really want a partner. I feel so alone sometimes and I just want someone who loves and appreciates me. I know I should work on myself first because it's not really a partner that I want, just someone who loves and appreciates me. And is cool. There's been a lot of times this week where I've sat down and been thinking about my past love experiences and feel even worse.

He really abused me. He really did. I can't even type out his name out of pure embarassment and horror. He was truly evil. The "nice guy" who just abused and broke me. After much rumination, I can't hid from the truth anymore. He really really tore me down. He took everything from me and ruined all my boundaries. He told me all the time how no one else could love me or handle me, that he was practically my savior. I feel so gross and disgusted with myself for running into his arms. I traded my home life for another horror. And now I'm scared in the most unrecognisable way possible and I'll never be the same. He took all I had and crushed it up. I feel like a bone that's never been healed, just still worked on. Everytime now when I see an unhappy girl in a relationship who's lost herself, I empathise. I feel so bad for her.

And I feel so alone. I've asked God for the past few years for a partner to help with this but I just feel alone sometimes. I know it means I'm not ready but I just feel like this wound hasn't stopped leaking blood. The past few years have just been a journey on seas. The occasional calm waters admist a storm but never solid group. Islands pass me by as I read for them but the waves just pull me farther and farther away. It's a bit cruel.

But I know it's for the better.

I'm trying hard to keep my head up. I'm trusting in God's hand

Tomorrow is my CSUF Raise interview. From what I've heard, if you've got the interview, you're already in. This is just for mentor match up. That's good and I feel a lot better that I've got summer plans secured. I've been thanking God for it. I know with His hand I will also get the Berkeley internship.

Anyway, I'm gonna try and sleep. Here are some good things in my life: Cassidy, Emily, meeting people, miffy bunnies, the office, and my room. See you next time

[avatar-of-the-web]

Every time I close my eyes all I can think about is how badly I don't want to be a ghost anymore...

The thought of everything I have to do to change that terrifies me. It terrifies me because I can't realistically afford it, but what I can afford even less is waiting until I can.

So little by little I have to subject myself to these terrors and agonies without a secure base, if I had been unwilling to do this I'd already be dead. I'm still barely alive.

But as terrifying as facing my mistakea and socialising and connecting through it is, as reaching out to people that don't reach out to me as much—I'm frequently at a social disadvantage; they don't need me as much as I need them, so they oft don't afford me the time of day until I find myself occupying their mind regardless—nothing terrifies me as much as the thought of dying unknown, of continuing to be a ghost forced to watch time pass me by, to continue missing opportunity after opportunity simply because I couldn't afford to pull it together.

I'd rather go insane and shatter my psyche and trigger encephalitis and come near death again, and again, than to just let life keep passing me by—and I have been doing exactly that.

There is no easy way for me and there never has been, and sometimes I don't think there ever will be. I understand where the platitudes come from, a well-meaning place, but I've learned better than to hold my breath for miracles I simply do not receive.

If my life improves and one day I no longer have to micromanage every single detail of my psyche and life only to still be far behind everyone and to have to still fight for my life in order to do anything—if that happens, good.

But for now, that's just a fantasy, and telling me to hold on for a fantasy that people have been telling me my whole life would surely come eventually—well, that's just cruel.

Intentional or not.

I'd rather receive a text that includes a meme or a sharing that they thought about me. I'd rather receive reasonably plausible well wishes. I'd rather hear “I hope your pain isn't as bad today” or good news about their own life or good news about science or politics. I'd rather hear about a cat you met or something new you've been trying or a smaller excerpt of your writing that you're proud of when I'm in one of my bouts of illiteracy.

Rather than dreaming about a day I'm healthy that could be months or years away, I wish I'd receive more patient help and consideration; to not be the only one that thinks of ways that I could be included within my limitations.

I don't want to be so isolated by my disabilities and my awful life anymore. And since my brain became unable to handle practically any extra burden anymore, I simply stopped being able to do much with anyone, because I don't have it in me to beg for consideration after being chased out of space after space or flaked on or otherwise the room simply wasn't held open for me.

I know it wasn't personal I know they just have their own lives. I know I should've spoken more. I know I should've thought of solutions sooner.

I'm greatful that I can even begin thinking of solutions now, that I can push myself to socialise even when it's hard, that I have at least 1 friend I can reliably text that isn't my husband.

For all my complaints here, I know that if my 15 year old self saw how many friends we have in comparison, he probably wouldn't have nice things to say about the fact that I still can't help but self-sabotage a bit, that I allow myself to ghost. Or maybe he'd surprise me with his patience, but I know he'd be surprised. I know he'd think to himself that he didn't think we'd ever have so many friends as we do now.

But I also know that the current state of my life beyond that would probably have nade his suicidal ideation worse. And that stings.

I have my weak moments where I say things I don't mean, like that I want to die. I don't want to die. Despite everything I love being alive. Despite the agony that just won't end, despite the fact that I never experience reprieve. I know that my flesh is tired, that my flesh wants to sleep.

But my will is too strong to allow it.

I won't be leaving, I can't.

My life doesn't belong to me anyway. It belongs to the Earth, and She isn't done with me, so I'm not done with Her.

[buttercream-squad-imagines]

Tinder in Real Life

Pairings: Harry Lewis x fem!Reader, Sidemen x platonic!Reader Word Count: 2k Warnings: Language some people may find offensive, sexual themes, recycled lines from Sidemen Tinder in Real Life because I'm not at all creative Request: Hey! Could you do reader x Harry imagine where the sidemen do a collab video with the reader who is also a big youtuber and Harrys celebrity crush. And during the video the reader is very flirty, leaving Harry a flustered mess when the flirting is directed towards him, but very jealous when its with any other sidemen.

The Sidemen were one of the biggest groups on YouTube and one that you were very familiar with. At the age of 23, you were a fair bit younger than some of its oldest members but yet you had a close relationship with JJ, whom you had met through YouTube.

You had started your channel when you were 17, just under four years ago, making makeup videos, which was a passion of yours when you were younger. Not that you were any good at it back then. Those videos quickly become unlisted when your channel started blowing up in late 2016, now nearing 20 million at the present time.

It wasn't long before you expanded your horizons and had started making different sorts of videos, including vlogs of your everyday life - which wasn't and still isn't that exciting in your opinion - and those where you just had a laugh, attempting to do stupid challenges that were so popular back then. It was those, however, that grew your channel. Your fans seemed to love them and so you gradually started to make more.

As your small channel began to grow significantly, it caught the attention of KSI, a member of the Sidemen, who reached out to you to for a collab. You were ecstatic. You couldn't believe it at the time, why would someone like KSI with 20 million subscribers want to collaborate with you? By that time, you couldn't exactly call yourself a small channel anymore, with almost 5 million subscribers but it still didn't make any sense to you.

You and JJ quickly bonded after filming together. You had a very similar sense of humour and interests. As the years went, the older boy became one of your best friends, the nature of your relationship being very teasing and flirtatious but the both of you knew it was a joke. It was just the way you both were.

Though despite having known him for nearing 3 years now, you had never met the rest of the Sidemen, with the exception of Simon, as he lived with JJ. Which is why when he texted asking you to collaborate with the Sidemen, you couldn't turn the offer down. You were a fan of the group and the content they were producing. You thought the videos that they made were exceptional, that they were pushing the envelope of the standard of content on YouTube and often found yourself excited for new videos.

He had explained that they were filming another of their 'Tinder in real life' but a YouTuber version with the likes of BambinoBecky and ChiWithAC. You were so excited. You were finally going to meet the rest of JJ's friends and you had the opportunity to be a part of a Sidemen Sunday.

You arrived at the studio the boys were filming at in the afternoon, finding and greeting JJ before he introduced you to the other sidemen in addition to Lux, Freezy and Stephen.

"And you've already met Simon." He finished.

"Yeah. Nice to finally meet you all. JJ tells me a lot about you guys." You laughed.

"Because that's assuring." Ethan pointed out with a chuckle, the other boys letting out agreements.

"Not all bad, I promise." You teased, winking at him. Ethan felt the blood rushing to his face, immediately becoming flustered and stumbling over his words. You found that you often had that effect on people as you could be very direct and flirtatious even when you didn't mean it. To you it was just friendly banter.

"Geez Y/N, stop flirting with people you met literally five minutes ago." JJ rolled his eyes.

"You sound a bit jealous, Jide." You smirked, a teasing grin spread across your face.

"Nah, allow it." There were eruptions of laughter around the room, coming from the boys. You were quick to notice Harry standing out of the way and was significantly quieter than the others, with what seemed to be a forced smile on his face.

Harry was in his own head, barely paying attention to what was going on around him. When JJ had told him that you were going to be in the next Sidemen video, he panicked. You were an accomplished YouTuber who he was quite fond of to say the least. Well, that would be an understatement, he had a fairly large crush on you. A crush that no one but Freezy and Lux knew about.

He knew that JJ had been friends with you for some time now but never considered the possibility of even meeting you. His anxiety acted as a barrier to even the thought of it. But he was currently in the same room as you and had said nothing more than a short 'hello'. He longed to have the confidence Ethan had to speak to you, even more so for you to look at him the way you were.

Already you were flirting with JJ and Ethan, something that caused a pit to form at the bottom of his stomach. He wouldn't admit it, but he could slowly feel the jealousy forming. Not that he had anything to be jealous about in the first place!

You continued to speak with the boys as you got your mic set up, telling them stories you were sure would embarrass JJ.

"Y/N, stop." The older boy whined. He could be like a child sometimes, but it was one of his more endearing qualities. He simply wouldn't be JJ if he wasn't.

"No, carry on." Simon laughed.

"Oh, don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from." You teased.

"I think it's time we started, don't you think?" Harry grumbled.

"Right." You smiled at the boy, who's cheeks became tinted red. He ducked to hide his face and walked around to stand in the line, hiding himself in the middle.

"Hi, I'm Y/N, I'm 23 and I'm from Y/H/T." You spoke to the camera once you were given the go ahead.

"I'm Simon, I'm 28. I like to practice safe sex."

"Always a good start."

"I could tie you to the bed, so you don't fall off." He finished with a giggle. You acted like you were pondering it for a moment before letting out a laugh and swiping right.

"I'm down for that." You teased. The boys all let out rumbles of laughter

"Hi, I'm Ethan, I'm 26 and kiss me if I'm wrong, but you're gonna swipe right."

"What would you rather?" You joked. Ethan shrugged his shoulders and walked closer to the board, sticking his head through with his lips puckered, eliciting a cry of protest from Harry that this wasn't allowed. You laughed and made an over exaggerated motion to swipe to the right, causing him to pout playfully but walked over to the right anyway.

"Hi, I'm Josh, I'm 28. KSI has a top ten single, but you're the only hot single I can see."

"Wow, that was smooth!" You said with a grin. "Definite yes from me."

"I'm Callum, I'm 26. Are you into fitness?" Freezy asked.

"Can't say I am." You replied, unsure of what turn this could take.

"How about you fitness dick in your mouth?"

"I wouldn't get too excited babes, I gag on my toothbrush." You laughed. "We could try though."

You swiped right on him, chuckling as you watched him let out a yes before joining Simon, Ethan, and Josh. You frowned slightly, a crease forming between your brows as you saw Harry whisper something furiously at his friend but ultimately got distracted by Vik stepping up to go next.

"I'm Vik, I'm 25. My ex-girlfriend always said I'd never do better than her, wanna prove her right?" You could hear the cries of the boys in the background, some scolding him, others laughing.

"Man actually said prove her right. Not wrong." JJ shrieked with a shocked look on his face, holding his head with his hands.

"You need to find someone for that." You snarked, swiping left on the boy, who shrugged and walked off.

"Damn! You got told!" Lux cackled.

"Uh hi. I'm Harry. I'm uh 25, no I'm not I'm 24." He stumbled. "Are you sure you're a muggle? Because that ass is magical."

"You should see how magical it can be." You spoke before cringing at yourself and laughing, swiping right to avoid a reply. The boy's face grew a bright shade of red, closely resembling the colour of a tomato.

"Geez, is that an offer?!" Freezy yelled from the right side. You laughed, observing how Harry whispered furiously to the boy to stop and winked at him once he had could see. Your laughter only increased as you watched JJ step up.

"I'm JJ. I'm 28 and are you a raisin? Cause you're raising my dick." The boy in question stood in front of you so confidently, hands clasped together in front of him so seriously that you just lost it. By the time you composed yourself, there were tears almost falling from your eyes.

"A* for effort." You laughed, swiping right eliciting a cry of success.

You had wrapped up filming your segment of the video, which conveniently was the last of the day. You found JJ who you spoke to whilst the other boys were otherwise occupied talking to each other.

"Cheers for coming, Y/N/N. You've been great."

"Anything for you." You joked.

"Don't tempt me." He laughed. You could feel eyes on you, eyes that were burning into your side. You turned your head to see Harry staring you and JJ down before looking away after being caught in the act, and suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

"Does Harry not like me or something?" You whispered to JJ, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden.

"Not that I know of." He frowned looking at the younger boy. "He can be a bit awkward at times and gets flustered a lot."

"Right." You agreed. You excused yourself before sauntering up to the boy in question, calling his name to snap him out of the daze he appeared to be in.

"Oh, um hey Y/N." He stumbled.

"Hi." You smiled gently. "I uh, I was just wondering, do you... have I done something to offend you?"

"Offend me? Why, uh, why would you think that?" He rambled.

"It's just... it's nothing, it's probably just me overthinking things." You waved it off, feeling like a complete idiot.

"I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I don't like you. I don't not like you, in fact I really like you! Oh, um I mean I like you, you're very pretty." The boy couldn't stop rambling which made you laugh. "No, wait."

"You think I'm pretty?" You blushed interrupting him. Harry felt his mouth go dry, not being able to get anything coherent to come out. "Well, Harry, I really like you too."

"What?" His eyebrows shot up so far it was almost comical. "Really? So, you don't like the other guys?"

"What? No." You laughed. "That's absurd. Why would you think that?"

"You seemed very..." The boy trailed off, not wanting to offend you after you had admitted to liking him.

"Flirty?" You finished, causing him to nod. "I'm like that with everyone, I don't mean to be half the time."

"Oh."

"Well, how about you give me your phone number and when you finally grow a pair, you can ask me out?" Your confidence levels had shot up spontaneously.

"Uh, sure." His cheeks had become a dark shade of red as he passed his phone to you so you could put your number in. You kept looking up at him as you typed, putting your name under 'Y/N x' in his contacts before handing it back to him.

"Y/N! Come on! We're going to Nando's!" JJ called from the other side of the room.

"Call me." You winked. Your bottom lip was caught between your teeth and was currently the only thing from stopping the wide grin from spreading across your face. A grin that hadn't disappeared from your face for the rest of the day, much to the curiosity of JJ, who was disappointed when you refused to tell him why, or more appropriately who, had put the smile on your face.

[hamburgerhelpersotherhand]

Would you be open to writing a short oneshot for joe x fem!reader x love. Maybe Love and Joe have been busy with dubious activities lol. And the reader feels they don’t want her in the relationship anymore so draws away from them. So then Joe and Love confront her and when she tells them they have to explain that they y’know…suck. But the reader is like ‘i knew that??? I thought you guys just didn’t want me around anymore. Honestly, the fact you were burying bodies is s relief’. And the other two are like ‘wtf’ but kinda into it (especially Joe because she knows and doesn’t hate him like Beck did and isn’t a murderer like Love).

Idk, maybe just something with their fucked up mindsets and a reader who knows. Obviously you don’t have to write this! I’d love it if you did though! I’m honestly desperate for content, So i’ll take 100 words ag this point lol.

Babe, you practically did my job for me ?? 💀

I feel like a major appeal to YOU is Joe’s perspective (more specifically the perspective of someone who’s batshit — even Love’s perspective could be fun), but I can try to make it as interesting through the Reader’s eyes…

It’s not exactly what you wanted and also not much at all, but I think it’s honest work!

Warnings: Implied kidnapping.

~

I don’t stay over much anymore. How could I, when they’re barely home? The few times I do find myself in their house and greedily taking up a seat in their kitchen or living room, I leave before bed. The nearly silent dinner dates, safe for the subtle clinking of utensils, are quite good at breaking the mood.

They’re my partners, right? Love and Joe? Joe and Love? But the truth is… they really never belonged to me. I’ve always been the odd one out, and I know I had never belonged. After all, their gleaming wedding rings speak louder than any vow to me ever could. It hurts to admit it, so I leave it in the back of my mind as the world we had built for each other falls apart.

But, I can't help myself. When I’m alone in my own home, I think about it — about how awful I feel in regard to our relationship. Am I a burden? Was I simply an easy way to rekindle something lost between the two?

When I did care — did try to involve myself more, I found it fruitless. Love works all day, and when she finds the time, she sits by the window and pretends to read. I would know, because her bookmark hasn’t left page 56 in over a week. I can tell she’s been nervous about something, but she’s unapproachable like this. Believe me, I’ve tried to pry but she doesn’t budge. I don't feel like I'm of any help, anymore, especially as Love suggests we talk later. We never do.

And what about Joe? He’s barely home, now. He leaves early in the morning but comes back before dawn, nearly every day. I see him in town sometimes, baseball cap and all. Maybe I’m just being pitiful but I don’t bother to say hi anymore. Even if I tried, he'll brush me off and insist he’s busy.

That’s when I stopped reaching out.

I became distant. It wasn’t fair before, but now we were even. Some things weren’t worth saving and, quite honestly, this was definitely one of them.

I didn’t tell them anything, but I think they understood things were over.

After about a week of radio silence, — missing a few previously planned dinners and refusing to respond to texts — Love began to leave me long voicemails, the majority of which I could barely understand. She'd use Joe's phone, sometimes, but he remained silent. I blocked their numbers after a few days, noticing the effect these constant messages were having on me… but it wasn’t until she began ringing my doorbell that I began to realize how bad things were.

I looked through the camera, but never answered the door. Love looked erratic on the front steps, fidgeting with her phone and shifting her weight from foot to foot back and forth. She’ll eventually leave, but not before exclaiming “sorry” or “things can be different”.

The third day I heard the doorbell ring, I almost decided to call someone, until I noticed Joe standing there alone. Being the only reasonable person out of the two of them, I thought it through before answering the door.

We’d talk it out, maybe share a heartfelt story or two but if it ever happened again, I’d involve the police.

And when he answered, we almost did just that. We spoke briefly, he gave a few apologies and excuses… but I did say almost, right? Before we parted ways, his hand stopped the door.

“I hope you understand,” he tries to reassure me, but I’m already stepping back. “but Love’s not going to let me leave empty handed.”

[dreamescapeswriting]

Stray Kids Reaction | Another Member Takes You In [Request]

A/N: I tried to get these as different from one another as I could so I hope this is okay for you lovely anon! Also I didn’t want to make the endings super fluffy just because with angst there isn’t always a makeup lmao

Chan:

This fight felt like it had been going on for hours now, both you and Chan just bickering back and forth at one another. All this because he was cancelling on another date with you, normally you were patient with him but today was different. It was your anniversary and he'd just cancelled again, last-minute with little to no explanation as to why. 

"I get wanting to cancel, you're busy but tonight is our anniversary Chan...C-Can't you just stay home for once?" You questioned calmly as you looked into his eyes. For a second you thought he was going to agree with you, his facial expression softened but it snapped back to the cold one within a matter of seconds. 

"I'm busy! You knew what you were getting into when we got into this relationship Y/n, I don't care about some stupid anniversary dinner." He mumbled as he turned away from you going back over to his laptop to start working. Normally you wouldn't get too worked up about it, you knew how much this all meant to Chan and you loved how passionate he was but calling your anniversary stupid hit you hard. 

"You think our relationship is stupid?"

"And pointless, it's never going to go anywhere!" He yelled as he turned back to face you, tears were beginning to form in your eyes so you nodded at him not knowing what to say to him. 

"Just get out of my face! I don't want to see you right now!" Chan yelled from across the apartment with his back to you he was back on his laptop, you stared at him for a couple of seconds to see if he was being serious. Empty threats were something he'd done in the past but when he turned around to face you you could see it in his eyes that meant it. 

"Y/N! I don't want you here, get out of this apartment! I never want to see you again... It's just easier if we break it off now." He was turning red in the face with anger by now and you panicked. Whenever someone yelled at you all you could do was cry and hide so you just backed out of the apartment without a second thought about it. Rushing out onto the busy streets of Korea with no idea where you were going or what you were going to do. Your phone was up in the apartment along with your keys and clothes so you didn't know what to do. The wind was bitter and cold outside so you pulled your arms around yourself as you began to walk around, trying to find a small cafe you could sit in for an hour or two while you figured out your next move.

(X)

Felix walked down the streets towards Chan's place after getting some weird text messages from his friend, something about breaking up with you and that he needed help getting your stuff sorted. He was about to head down the street to the apartment when he saw you sitting on the floor in front of a shop. He almost hadn't recognised you at first but as soon as you looked up at him you knew it was him, 

"Y/n!? W-What are you doing out on the street?!" He panicked as he reached down to help you up from the floor. He noticed tear stains running down your cheeks and you were shivering, 

"Here," He slipped off his large coat and wrapped it around you, 

"It's pitch black outside and below freezing, you should be back with Chan-" As soon as Felix tried to usher you in the direction of the apartment you shook your head violently. 

"H-He kicked me out...H-He doesn't want to see me," Felix frowned as he looked down at you, 

"What-"

"He told me he never wanted to see me again...T-Threw me out." Your voice was starting to crack as you could feel yourself getting sick, 

"Come on...I'll take you back to the dorms then," He whispered as he pulled you in the opposite direction. Sending Chan a quick message, 

Seungmin's sick. Going to look after him. sorry. 

He wasn't going to give him a better explanation than that he didn't deserve it, he knew Chan was his friend before you were but throwing you out into the streets while it was below zero outside.

"Where's your phone? You could have called me..." He whispered as he continued walking you in the direction of the dorms, 

"It's at his...I-I just left like he told me too...Everything is there." You began sobbing into your hands as Felix guided you through the streets trying to comfort you as best as he could while he walked. 

(X) 

A week had passed since Chan had kicked you out, Felix had made an attempt to go and get some of your things from the place but all he'd managed to get were some clothes and your phone without Chan noticing. You'd been staying in Chan's old bed while you tried to get back on your feet, you'd been sick for the last week since you'd been outside for so long without a coat. You were asleep in the bunk when Chan walked into the room, he was looking for one of his old hard drives in the room and jumped back when he heard someone roll over in the bed. 

"Y-Y/n?" He took one look at you and knew you were sick, guilt rushed over him at the thought of you being sick because of him. 

"L-Lix?" Even your voice sounded awful, you rolled over to see whoever it was staring at you when you jumped a little. 

"C-Chan?!" Your voice cracked as you stared back at him, he looked at you properly now. You were dressed in one of his old shirts he'd left here.

"What are you doing here?" You tried to question him but he shook his head at you reaching out to touch your forehead, 

"You're sick?! Do you have any meds? Are you okay?!" You moved away from his touch and he frowned, 

"Y/n....What's wrong?"

"Why are you trying to play the concerned boyfriend role? Y-You weren't all that concerned when you threw me out onto the street." He shook his head at you mumbling about how he'd just been stressed out at work and he didn't mean the things he'd said but that didn't mean they weren't stuck in your head. 

"Chan, you called out relationship pointless, that it was never going anywhere." He shuddered as he remembered what he had said to you. 

"I didn't mean it though..." You stared at him and then down at your phone. Crawling out of the bed you made your way to the kitchen with Chan close behind you watching your every move. 

"What are you doing?"

"Taking medication, I'm sick. I need to take the meds or Felix will kill me." You swallowed two pills before making your way back to the bedroom, Chan still following along. 

"Come home, I can look after you. I-I'll make sure you get better." You shook your head at him as you got back into the top bunk, snuggling down into the sheets. 

"C-Chan we're over...You told me it was pointless, I don't want to be with someone who sees our relationship as stupid and pointless..." You yawned looking at him, he was about to say something when the door to the bedroom opened. 

"I got you your favourite cough drop and-" Felix stopped when he realised Chan was in the room, 

"Come to see the damage you've done?" He snapped at Chan, you hissed as you sat back up. 

"Don't. Don't fight because of me, you're the best of friends don't ruin that over me." You mumbled as you coughed into your hands, reaching for the hand sanitiser that you'd secured onto the bed.

(X)

A few hours later all of the boys were home and surprised to see you out of bed, walking around in full clothes instead of the shorts and top you'd been wearing all week. 

"Soup on the hob," You whispered as you could barely talk, Chan looked over at the boys who were all frowning. By now they'd heard the story of what happened between you both and wondered why he was there.

"Y-Y/n and are decided to try and be friends...Makes things right and easier with everyone." He admitted as he looked at you, friends was better than cutting him out of your life and making yourself hate him. It had come to you both after talking with Felix for two hours straight, trying to figure out a way to get through all of this without either of you being the bad guy. Friends were the best way forward...Even if it would be hard.

Minho:

The only problem with living with Minho at the dorms was that you had nowhere else to go, he would be practising sometimes at the dorms so you would have to go into the rooms but even then you felt like a burden to the other boys. Which was why you were fighting tonight, Seungmin had just come into the apartment to grab his house keys for his trip home when he heard the screaming coming from the living room,

"You're so fucking annoying to everyone! Not just me!" Minho screamed at you as you stood as still as a post staring at him, you didn't even flinch as he came closer to you and yelled.

"You're a burden! All you do is distract us, do you have any idea how disgusting it is to just turn and see you everywhere I go!? Not even a second of peace!" You looked down at the floor not wanting to cry in front of him or any of the other boys who were now coming to see what was going on. Watching you as if this was just some kind of drama on the TV as if you weren't currently having your heart ripped out by the love of your life.

"I don't want you around me anymore, all you ever do is whine about things. Everyway I turn you're just there! Fuck!" Wasting no time on hearing him talk anymore you rushed into his room, shoving clothes into a bag while Jeongin looked at you nervously. Wondering if he was supposed to say something or just avoid looking at you. He chose the latter as he rolled over on his bed to face away from you.

"Leaving?! Good!" Minho spat as he watched you rush towards the dorm front door, tears streaming down your cheeks as you slammed it behind you.

"Hyung-" Seungmin tried to say but Minho just stormed off into the bathroom, ignoring everyone around him who were trying to speak with that Seungmin left. Catching up to you outside as he smiled weakly,

"Come on," He whispered as he nodded over to his waiting taxi.

"Seungmin you're going home- I can't-"

"Don't say you can't, you have nowhere else to go. I'm offering a place." You smiled weakly as you walked over to the cab, getting inside with him as he smiled back at you. Seungmin and you had always been close friends, he was one of the reasons you and Minho had met in the first place. Taking you in was not a problem for him, his family loved you anyway.

(X)

Staying with Seungmin and his parents felt like you were just having a larger sleepover, Seungmin's mother had managed to get you a job interview with a store down the road from her workplace which you'd nailed. Landing the job instantly,

"Seungmin?" You called out as you walked into the house, his parents were still at work and his older sister wasn't home for the break yet.

"Seungmin I got the...job..." You slowed down your speech when you walked into the living room to see Minho sitting there beside Seungmin. Both of them looked like they had been engaging in a deep conversation before you walked into the room.

"You've been hiding them out here?" Minho snapped as he turned to see you standing there, he looked like a wreck. His hair was a mess, he was dressed in dirty clothes and honestly looked like he hadn't slept. Unlike you who seemed to be doing better than ever now that you weren't cramped up in the dorms all of the time.

"Don't bring Seungmin into this, he took me in when I had nowhere to go." You mumbled, putting your bag down onto the floor as you glanced at Seungmin,

"I've been worried sick about you." Minho tried to defend himself but you shook your head at him,

"If you were that concerned you wouldn't have kicked me out, treated me like trash in front of our friends." You mumbled to him as you turned away from him,

"I didn't mean what I said, I was just behind on the dances and then you were there. You were the first person I passed the blame onto..." You stared at him as if he thought that it would be okay just because of how stressed out he was.

"You think that makes it all better? Because it doesn't! You played on my worst insecurities and you know that." You argued as he stared at you, his eyes filling with tears as he thought back on all of the things he'd said to you. The moment he locked himself in the bathroom that day he broke down, he'd done everything he could to find you but you'd blocked his calls, ignored his texts. What else was he supposed to do?

"I tried to make things right! You ignored me!"

"I ignored you because you broke my heart, you embarrassed me in front of everyone Lee Know," The full name came out and he knew he was in trouble, he turned to look away from you.

"C-Can I ever make it right?" His voice was calmer now, his body language was slumped as he looked at you.

"No. Nothing you say or do will ever make it right..." It was the truth, nothing in the world could take back what he had said to you, you loved him with all of your heart but there was no way you could go back to someone who would use your insecurities against you like that.

"Can we at least be civil?" Seungmin watched as you both stared into one another's eyes, nodding as you reached out your hands to each other and shook on it.

"I-I'll get the rest of my stuff when I get my own place." You whispered as you stared into Minho's eyes, your hands still shaking even though the deal had already been made.

"Okay...Sounds like a plan," He mumbled sadly as he realised this was probably going to be the last time he was going to get to see you properly.

(X)

All of your boxes were moved into the new apartment, a small studio just up the road from your workplace.

"That's the last of it." Minho and Seungmin cried out as they dropped off the final boxes in your kitchen area,

"Looks cosy," Minho whispered as Seungmin went to go and lock the car up,

"Feels it too," You looked at him as you bit down on your lip. Things with Minho had started off rocky, neither of you could stand to be in the same room as one another for longer than ten minutes but after a while, you relaxed into the friend's thing. But now...It was four months later and it seemed as though everything was forgiven between you both.

"I hope you can be happy here," He whispered as he stepped closer to you looking into your eyes as he smiled at you,

"I hope so too." You looked up at him as he began to lean down into your personal space, you closed the gap between you leaving a small kiss on his lips before pulling away. The sparks and feelings all still there from before,

"I'll call you...We'll talk," He whispered to you before leaving another kiss on your cheek before turning to go and meet Seungmin outside.

Changbin:

Something was wrong with Changbin and it had been bugging you all week, he'd done nothing but avoid you and act weird when you tried to get romantic with you. Pushing you away, telling you he wasn't in the mood or would just leave whenever you tried to kiss him.

"Did I do something to upset you?" You questioned when Changbin got up again, you'd joined him in the living room to watch a movie. Sitting beside him when he got up to leave.

"Why would you think that?" He mumbled staring in front of him instead of in your direction,

"You haven't looked at me, you keep pushing me away...Whatever it is I did I'm sorry..." There was nothing you had to be sorry for though. This was all on Changbin but you didn't know that. You figured you'd done something that upset him not meaning to.

"You need to leave." You frowned when the words came from his mouth,

"Changbin what are you talking about?" You laughed nervously thinking this was his idea of some kind of joke which wasn't funny in the slightest.

"You have to leave. I don't want to be around you anymore." He turned to face you this time, his expression was cold as he stared down into your eyes.

"Leave? I-I don't-" You tried explaining that you would have nowhere else to go, none of your friends lived in Seoul and it wasn't as though you could go out and find an apartment to go and stay in right now.

"Get out! We're over, this relationship is finished!" He yelled out cutting you off midsentence causing you to flinch a little,

"Changbin-" He stormed away from you going into the bathroom leaving you to get up and start packing some clothes into a bag for the night or two. You just thought he would need some time to cool off and everything would be okay, there was clearly something bothering him he wasn't ready to talk about yet.

(X)

"Changbin text me when you're-" He slammed the door cutting you off instantly and you felt your heartbreak, he'd thrown you out like you were nothing but trash to him. The moment Changbin slammed the door in your face he regretted it but it had to be done, he laid his head on the wood of the door before sliding down it and bringing his knees into his chest.

"F-Fuck." You mumbled as you got outside to see it snowing, you dragged your phone out of your pocket to see if there was a hotel nearby when you saw a text and missed calls from Jeongin.

"Hey, what's up?" You tried to play it off as though you hadn't been crying on your walk out of the apartment,

"I was calling to see if we were still on for game night...We were supposed to be battling the boss tonight?" You'd completely forgotten about that, all week long you'd been promising to help Jeongin on a boss battle on a game he was stuck on.

"I erm...I don't-" Sobs interrupted your words and instantly Jeongin felt panicked, you were like an older sibling to him and to hear you crying like that down the phone to him he wanted to come and get you.

"Where are you?" He got up from his bed as he changed into some clothes,

"Outside a cafe on Changbin's street." You mumbled defeatedly, you knew running to one of his friends would end badly but with nowhere else to turn it didn't seem like you had another choice.

(X)

"He just kicked you out?" Minho questioned as you ate food with them, Jeongin had come to get you and picked up dinner on the way back. Both of you going over everything that had happened with Changbin in the apartment you shared,

"Said he didn't want to be around me anymore, that we were finished." You stared down at the noddles you were holding on your chopstick, it was taking everything inside of you not to cry out about it again.

"It doesn't sound like Changbin..." Jeongin said as he passed you some water, all of the boys nodded in agreement as they stared at you.

"That's what happened...He's been off all week long..." You were going to explain in more detail but the doorbell rang, Seungmin rushed over to the peephole.

"Changbin's here," He whispered over to you guys, you scrambled up from the table rushing into the bathroom to hide until he eventually left.

(X)

You'd barely left the dorm since arriving there, you'd called in sick to work not wanting to face anyone yet and Jeongin had been bringing you food into the bedroom. Despite Chan's disagreement with having food in their rooms.

"Y/N! I know you're here!" You woke up instantly as you sat up in the bottom bunk hitting your head on the slab above you,

"Son of bitch," You grunted as you rolled off the bed and went to see what they were yelling about, you opened the door to see Jeongin trying to hold back Changbin who looked like a state. He looked worse than you did and that was saying something since you'd barely changed out of the shorts and shirt you were wearing,

"C-Changbin? What-" You stopped when he rushed over to you, grabbing onto your arms and staring down at you, he moved his hands up to cup your face,

"You okay? You look like you haven't been sleeping. Why haven't they been sleeping?!" Changbin asked in a panicked tone as he stared down into your eyes not looking away for even a second.

"I-I haven't been sleeping well...It's hard to sleep without you, Why do you care?" You tried to move away from him but he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer not wanting you to go.

"Please...Hear him out..." Jeongin mumbled from the front door, he was getting ready to leave for the day when Changbin had barged in trying to get to you.

Once everyone was gone and it was just you and Changbin he began to explain what had happened and why he'd pushed you away the way he did.

"You have to know I never wanted to...I had to...If-If I didn't they could have started on you next and I didn't want that." You frowned as he spoke to you, you were trying your best to follow along but it was hard when he was making little to no sense.

"Who would have started on me? Changbin what's going on?"

"Someone was threatening to expose us to everyone...Not just to the company but to everyone...They had photos and videos of us..." Your heart sunk at the thought of someone else knowing about your relationship, you worked for JYP it was written into your contract that you weren't supposed to date within the company.

"Changbin..."

"I found them, as soon as I found them I went to my manager. I told them that they were threatening me with illegal obtained photographs and videos and they were fired." You stared at him as he told you all of this,

"I told my manager about us..." Your heart began to pick up in speed at the thought of them knowing,

"You can keep your job but we have to- Well you're not allowed to work closely with me anymore. You'll be moved onto a different team," Your eyes lit up as you looked at Changbin,

"That's it? That's all? Just move to a different team...W-We can still-" You were going to say still date but Changbin cut you off, you'd been dating for so long he could practically read your mind.

"Only if you want to." Without a word, you wrapped your arms around his neck and brought him into a passionate kiss.

Hyunjin:

"How could you be so fucking stupid?!" Hyunjin called out as he laughed sarcastically at you, you looked away from him as you felt the tears in your eyes beginning to well up. You'd been fired from work that morning after making a huge mistake, that wasn't even that huge. All you'd done was drop a tray full of someones food order onto the floor smashing into the ground but your boss was temperamental and fired you on the spot. Wasting no time on embarrassing you in a restaurant full of customers, some of whom recorded the entire thing.

"It was an accident, I tripped over someone's bag and I-"

"You're so clumsy and stupid! Do you know that?!" There was that word again "stupid" he'd thrown that word around a lot since you told him you'd be fired and why exactly that was.

"How do you think you're going to support yourself now? Do you think you're just going to rely on me?! Because you're not!" He snapped as he turned to look at you, you wiped the tears away from your cheeks as you began explaining your plan to get another job but it wasn't good enough. Nothing was ever good enough when Hyunjin was in a bad mood.

"I want you out of this apartment. We're done. Over. I won't date someone who can't even hold down a proper job!" At first, you thought it was some kind of empty threat he was making but when he turned to see you standing there he repeated it.

"I pay for this apartment. Get out."

(X)

Changbin was doing his afternoon run near the Han River when he noticed you sitting on a bench clutching onto a hot chocolate and shaking.

"Y/n?" He frowned pulling the earbuds from his ear, you looked up at him and then back down to your drink not saying a word.

"What happened? It's freezing, you're out here with nothing but a thin jacket." He hissed wishing he brought along his own jacket so he could warm you up.

"Hyunjin and I...We had a fight." You mumbled, not wanting to go into details about what had happened and what Hyunjin had called you.

"Come on. I'll take you to mine for the night, you know Hyunjin. He's probably just being dramatic." When Changbin went to reach out to help you stand up you moved away.

"I-I don't need your help, you're his friend not mine." Changbin stared at you with raised eyebrows wondering if you really meant that.

"Y/n. You're coming with me. End of discussion." He mumbled to you as he took your arm in his and began walking in the direction of his parent's place. He was staying there while the dorms were being redone.

(X)

"He threw you out because you lost your job?" Changbin questioned as he placed a plate full of food down in front of you, his parents were in bed, his sister too so you were free to talk openly about this without fear of someone hearing you.

"Yeah," You managed to say before silently letting the tears roll down your face, you covered your face with your hands not wanting Changbin to see you like this.

"I-It's silly but it hurts, I-I was going to get out and get another one but he just kept calling me stupid...That he couldn't be with someone without a job." Changbin moved closer to you as he wrapped his arms around your shoulder, you sobbed into his chest silently as you tried not to make too much noise.

"It's alright...He's probably just as upset as you are right now..."

(X)

Hyunjin walked into the studios the next day to see you sitting beside Changbin and writing something down,

"What are you doing here?" His tone of voice came out meaner than he had intended it too, he'd hated himself for throwing you out the night before and he didn't want that to be the end of you.

"Changbin's helping me...I'm- I kind of got an internship." You mumbled not looking in his direction as you continued noting down everything Changbin was saying to you about the system you were using.

"So you're just...Fine then? You're not upset about yesterday?" Changbin stopped talking as he turned to look at you, he was trying to see what you wanted him to do so you nodded over at the door which was his cue to leave you alone.

"Depends..."

"On what?" Hyunjin whispered as he sat down on the small sofa in the studio, you looked at him for the first time his hair was strewn in every which way, he had bags under his eyes and you were pretty sure he was in the same clothes he was in yesterday.

"What you have to say for yourself," The moment you'd walked out of the apartment Hyunjin had felt nothing but guilt about what he'd said to you. He knew it was the one thing you were most insecure about, being called stupid for things everyone messed up on.

"I was an idiot, I shouldn't have said everything I did...I-I should have been the supporting boyfriend instead I decided to play the idiot card." You stared at him as he looked down at his hands,

"An internship though, that's great." He whispered looking up at you,

"It is..." The air was awkward now, you didn't know where you stood with him now that he'd said sorry...Was the breakup real? Did he still want to end things?

"Come back...Tonight...Come back with me. I didn't mean what I said I was just-"

"Hyunjin I...I don't know if going back tonight is a good idea." You admitted as you looked into his eyes,

"You don't want to be back together with me?" His voice cracked at the thought of it and you shook your head at him,

"I-I do! I just don't think moving right back in is good...Maybe some time away from one another is good, w-we'll still be dating but not around each other all of the time." You whispered to him as you waiting for his opinion on it all. He reached out and took you by the hips,

"That sounds good to me." He whispered softly before leaving a small kiss on your lips.

Jisung:

Everyone knew how quick-tempered Jisung was when it came to things so when he heard rumours floating around at the JYP building that you and Minho had been spotted kissing he flipped. Of course, it wasn't true but that didn't mean Jisung was going to listen to reason about it all.

"Jisung we weren't kissing! I was showing him pictures of cats!" You yelled as he began throwing your clothes into a suitcase, you'd only moved in together over a month ago and he was already trying to get rid of you. Ignoring everything you were saying in your defence of the rumours, no excuse was going to be good enough because to him that's all they were. Excuses. The rumour was true and that was that in his mind.

"Sungie." You breathed out trying to get him to calm down but he shuddered at the name, zipping up your bag and walking it to the front door.

"You're not even going to talk to me, you're just throwing me out?" You questioned as he opened the door and pushed the suitcase out into the wall, he stared up into your eyes and you frowned waiting to hear something from him but instead, he just shut the door on you.

(X)

"Hey, I was just about to call you," Minho said as he opened the door to his place to see you standing there, the huge smile that was there vanished as soon as he saw the tears rolling down your face.

"What happened?" His eyes travelled down to the suitcase you were holding behind you,

"C-Can I stay here for a few days? He kicked me out....B-Broke things off." You mumbled as you tiredly waited for an answer. You'd been walking around the streets looking for some hotel that would take you in but with hardly any money and no cards they weren't going to take the chance.

"Sure, c-come in." He moved out of the way and you walked into the apartment greeting Sooni, Doongi and Dori as they came wandering over to see who was here.

"What happened?" He questioned as he walked into the kitchen to make you both a hot drink,

"He's convinced I'm sleeping with you, there's a rumour going around that we were kissing." As soon as you sat down Dori curled up in your lap snuggling into you as you waited for Minho.

"Why would he believe something like that? You just moved in together," He mumbled as he brought the drinks over on a small tray, setting them down on the table in front of you as you did your best not to cry over it.

"Hey, it's okay...He's probably just upset right now, he'll realise how dumb it is soon." Minho only ever showed his sweet side to certain people, you were one of the lucky few that this happened to.

(X)

The next day when Minho walked into the building he saw Jisung walking with Chan and Changbin,

"Jisung!" He called out making the boy turn to face him instantly,

"What's your problem? Y/n came to mine last night crying their heart out, why are you being such an idiot?" He hadn't meant for it to come out as harsh as it did but he was mad at Jisung for believing in petty little rumours like that one.

"I'm the idiot?! You're the one kissing my partner!" Chan stood between them both as he could see how angry Jisung was growing as Minho stared him down,

"Studio. Now. Both of you." He said through gritted teeth as people turned to stare at the pair of them yelling at one another in the hallways.

(X)

Jisung walked into Minho's apartment after getting the key from him, he was coming to say sorry for everything. Once Minho explained what had happened and what was actually happening when you were supposedly "kissing" Jisung seemed to calm down. Regretting everything he'd done by kicking you out, he'd tried calling you but you were ignoring his calls and ignoring everyone.

"Y/n? I came around to say sorry! Y/n?" Jisung pulled the door to the bedroom open to find you sobbing hysterically into the pillows, all three of Minhos' cats laid behind you as though they were trying to comfort you.

"Y/n..." He breathed out as soon as he caught sight of you, you whimpered as you looked over at him turning away but he rushed over to your side. Sitting beside you as he pulled you closer to him.

"I'm sorry, Minho explained-"

"I tried to explain it. You ignored me and kicked me out." You hissed at him trying to get away but he kept his grip on you, not wanting you to leave him again now that he had you back in his arms.

"I was upset, I wasn't listening because I-I thought it could have been true, you deserve someone better." He mumbled, his own tears rolling down his face as he thought back on it.

"Jisung. I love you. I moved in with you. Not Minho. You." You sat up facing him, Dori looked between you both as though she could tell what was happening before jumping off the bed to go and eat.

"I'm sorry...I was just upset and insecure, and I thought maybe there was a possibility." You shook your head at him, reminding him once again that he was the one that you loved. No one would be able to replace him in your heart.

"Will you come back?" You shook your head and Jisung felt his heart break at the thought of you never coming back over a small mistake,

"I promised Minho I'd catsit." You giggled at the expression on his face, a little payback for what had happened the night before.

"You'd rather hang out with cats than me?" You shook your head at him, getting up from the bed to go and make lunch for Sooni, Doongi and Dori.

Felix:

"Do you have any idea how idiotic you sound!?" You yelled at Felix as he threw your bag down the stairs, you'd come home from work to find him packing all of your clothes into bags and throwing them down the stairs like this.

"Tell me then! Where did they get the photo?!" The photo. The photo he was talking about was of you and another idol "making out" in the middle of the JYP building.

"Are you actually asking that?! It looked as though it was photoshopped by a child Lix! I would never cheat on you!" You yelled out as another bag was thrown down the stairs hitting into the photo frame you'd gotten him for Christmas. The smashing sound made you both freeze as you rushed down the stairs to go and clean it up, the image was of you and Felix on your four-month anniversary dinner both of you had giant smiles on your faces.

"Get your stuff and get out." He mumbled before slamming the bedroom door behind himself, where he slid down the door bringing his knees into his chest and crying at the thought of you cheating on him.

"Lix I didn't...I-I would never cheat on you!" You yelled up the stairs as you tried to clean up the glass from the floor so he wouldn't hurt himself by coming down later. As you went to pick up the largest shard you cut your hand open a little bit making you hiss out in pain as you pulled your hand away from the glass and into your chest.

"Shit," You mumbled rushing out of the apartment when you realised just how deep you'd cut into your hand with the piece of glass.

(X)

You'd called Hyunjin on your way to the hospital, your Korean wasn't the greatest so the thought of going into a hospital alone seemed like a daunting task.

"What happened to you?" He questioned while you waited together in the waiting room to be seen. It was packed full of people so you didn't think you were going to be seen any time soon.

"I cut it by accident...I was cleaning up broken glass." You whispered to him as you looked at him, he had a baseball cap pulled down so no one would be able to tell who he was unless they sat really close to him.

"I meant with Felix..." He'd probably already told them all what had happened but you just stared down at your hands,

"He thinks him cheating on him with someone else in the company, there's a badly photoshopped photo of it." You mumbled to him looking away from him and over to another person going in to see a doctor before you, Hyunjin raised your hand up so you could keep the cut-up instead of down.  

"He seems pretty adamant it's real." He whispered to you as you began to tear up more at the thought of it, Hyunjin sighed as he realised just how upset you were over it.

"He'll realise it's fake...He'll come crawling back." But you didn't want him to come crawling back, you wanted him to trust and believe you.

(X)

Staring down at your phone you debated calling Hyunjin to come and get you from the hospital, he'd spent most of the night there with you but once it got to 3 am he had to go home telling you to call him to come and get you later.

"Hyunjin's phone, how can I help?" Felix's voice flowed through the phone making you smile out of habit he must have picked up without checking the screen name,

"Y/n?" He questioned when you didn't say anything, you bit down on your lip as you thought about it all telling him where you were and what was happening. But you hung up quickly, making your own way to the exit to try and get to a hotel or something somewhere else. Your phone buzzed in your pocket so you looked down to see Felix's name on the screen, every muscle in your body seemed to tense at the thought of answering it but it was mind over matter and you answered.

"Why are you at the hospital?! Hyunjin said he left you there last night? A-Are you okay?!" You could hear the panicked tone in his voice as well as jingling of keys as he tried to get out to his car as quickly as possible.

"I'm fine. Tell Hyunjin I'm ready to leave. I'll get my stuff from the apartment and leave." You answered plainly as you waited outside in the parking lot,

"I'm coming to get you. Don't. Move." You shuddered at the thought of Felix coming to get you,

"I love you Y/n...Please wait there for me." His voice seemed to soften on the last sentence before he hung up and you felt your heart crumble into different pieces.

(X)

When Felix finally arrived on the scene you stared at him through the window,

"What did they do?" He questioned when he noticed your hand was bandaged up,

"Stitches, it's nothing." You lied as you got into the car, acting as though you hadn't cried the entire time they stitched your hand up for you.

"Y/n...I-I-" You shook your head as he tried to speak, there was nothing he could say to you that would make up for what he did and he knew that.

"J-Just take me home Lix...Please?" You looked at him with pleading eyes, hoping you were now welcome back at the apartment instead of being shut out for something you didn't do.

"Movies, snacks and cuddles." He promised you as he began driving out of the parking lot and the direction of your shared apartment.

Seungmin:

You couldn't even remember why you and Seungmin had started fighting in the first place, you never fought so it was jarring to have him come out of nowhere and kick you out of the apartment the both of you shared leaving you to wander alone. The streets were dark and cold as you tried to find another hotel that would take you for the night. If they weren't full none of them would take you without your ID which was back in the apartment you'd been kicked out of.

"Y/n? What's wrong?" Chan asked down the phone as you called him, he was the only one you could think of calling right now since he would be in the studio instead of back at the dorms.

"Can you do me a huge favour? U-Unless you're busy?" You knew you sounded pathetic right now but it was the only way you were going to find somewhere warm to stay tonight.

"Sure, anything...You name it." You sighed to yourself before explaining everything that had happened and that you needed him to get you a hotel room that you'd pay him back for.

(X)

The hotel room was perfect, not too big and not too small which was great since you didn't know how long you were going to be here for.

"What did he say to you?" Chan questioned as he came out of the bathroom, he was doing an "inspection" to make sure it was as nice as the man at the desk said it was.

"I can't even remember...H-He just flipped out over nothing, started screaming at me about how nothing is ever done when he needs it done and then he threw me out." You shuddered thinking back on Seungmin yelling at you, you'd never seen him angry before and it was nerve-wracking to think about.

"It was like he was trying to pick a fight over nothing. It was such a small thing Chan..."

"I'll talk to him...Find out what's bothering him. It doesn't sound like Seungmin at all." Chan reassured you as he made his way out of the hotel room, you stood by the door talking to him.

"I'll bring you some food, just stay put until I can figure out what's going on." You didn't say anything and he walked away, leaving you alone to overthink everything that had happened between you and Seungmin. The fight was over the dinner not being done...You think. It was something so minor that it shouldn't have bubbled over the amount it did.

When Chan went to see Seungmin he found him broken. Crying over you being gone despite him being the one sending you out of the apartment.

"What happened? You were so good together..." Chan stated as he waited for Seungmin to explain his side of the story to him.

(X)

After a week of staying at the hotel, you were getting fed up of eating noodles and take out all of the time. Chan hadn't come by since the first night to bring you food so you just assumed he'd talk to Seungmin and it resulted in him not wanting to speak to you. Running low on food and drinks you knew you had to venture out into the world soon so you grabbed your things and headed out of the door only to come face to chest with someone else.

"S-Sorry I wasn't-" You stopped what you were saying when you saw Seungmin standing there, his eyes bloodshot and bags under them.

"S-Seungmin? What are you doing here?" He pushed you back into your room before sitting you down on the bed,

"You have to listen to me, you have to listen and remember that I am sorry." You frowned as you heard the panicked tone in his voice, you gripped onto his hand trying to reassure him that it was okay but he cut you off.

"Someone exposed us...I was doing my best to keep it under wraps. I-I broke it off, I even found out who took the photos of us but it was too late." You shook your head as you moved away from him,

"What are you talking about?" As you walked over to the hotel room window you looked down to see reporters flooding the parking lot of the hotel waiting to see if they could get a glimpse of what was happening inside.

"S-Seungmin..." You breathed out as you stepped away from the curtain backing up until you hit his chest,

"I know, I know I'm sorry...I know you didn't want to come out as a couple yet b-but we don't really have much of a choice right now." You frowned stepping away from him again,

"W-We aren't a couple. You broke it off." He sighed as you brought it up again.

"I only did it so we wouldn't be exposed but we got exposed anyway...Are you telling me you don't want to come back." All of this was giving you a headache, you stared at him from across the room jumping when something hit your window.

"Seungmin. You broke up with me. You threw me out with nowhere to go. Now you expect me to just jump back into your arms because "you thought it was what was best" ." You used quotation marks as you spoke to him but he took your hands in his own nodding his head.

"I understand if you don't want to come back...I thought I was doing the best thing, I know you were so scared of telling people but it's out. There's nothing we can do...W-We either go out there as a couple or we go out there single. But I don't want you out of my life..." He admitted as he reached up to cup your face in his hands, you snuggled into his touch you'd missed him.

"O-On one condition." You looked up at him,

"Anything..."

"Never yell at me again," You whimpered before hugging into his chest, smiling when he finally wrapped his arms around you.

Jeongin:

One thing you never thought Jeongin would ever do would be to raise his voice at you, start a fight over seemingly nothing but that was just what happened tonight.

"You're being ridiculous." You mumbled as Jeongin continued to ask you to leave the apartment, you'd only moved in together less than two weeks ago and already he was kicking you out like you meant nothing.

"Do I mean nothing to you?" You questioned as you got to the front door, tears were rolling down your cheeks as you stared into the younger boy's eyes. He stared back at you blankly as he nodded his head.

"Nothing but a fling." A stab hit you through the chest as you turned to walk out of the apartment not wanting to talk about it anymore. The door closed loudly behind you and you headed out to the streets to try and find somewhere to stay for the night. There was a small bookshop down the road with a lady who seemed to like you a lot she'd probably let you stay there for a while.

(X)

Your phone kept vibrating on the floor made you wake up and roll over to see what was going on, Jisung's name and photo flashed over the screen and you groaned as you answered it.

"Where are you? You're late! We were supposed to leave an hour ago and Jeongin is being all weird about it, telling us to go without you! He went in the other car, did you guys fight?" You pulled the phone away from your ear to check the date and time and groaned as you remember what was supposed to be happening. A week away with the boys, camping and gaming out in some private camping ground.

"I-I can't come. I have work." You lied as you wiped your eyes, tears already falling as you remembered the fight from the night before. The thought of Jeongin passing you off like you were nothing, saying you were nothing and then acting as though nothing had happened with the boys.

"Bullshit. Where are you?" You heard a car door close and drive off in the background but Jisung was still in the street,

"I'm at the small bookshop near Jeongin's place. Bring food." You mumbled to him as you heard your stomach growl at you.

When Jisung arrived he was carrying bags of food and two drinks in his hands,

"Explain everything." You shook your head at him telling him that there was nothing to explain, it had all been blown out of proportion.

"One minute we were fine, the next he's kicking me out and saying our relationship meant nothing to him." You mumbled as you sipped on the drink he was giving to you, none of it made sense to either of you since Jeongin had strong feelings for you. He'd been the one to ask you out so finishing it all seemed weird.

"Maybe he's stressed. I know it's not an excuse but i-it's a possibility." You shrugged your shoulders at Jisung's comment and then sniffled,

"I don't know but I need to find a place to stay. W-Would you mind putting up with me for a few days while the dorms are empty?" He shook his head promising you that it would be fine with him.

"Just don't tell Innie...I don't want him to know I'm there...It might cause friction between you all." You whispered to him as you got up from the floor.

(X)

You'd been at the dorms for two days and things seemed to be going well, you found a small apartment just outside of the city which was a train ride away from your job. Jisung told you not to go and view it, that Jeongin might clear his mind when he comes back but there was little chance of that happening. The way Jeongin looked at you the other night still sent shivers down your spine, thinking of the way he said it meant nothing to you sent you into a crying mess.

"I brought us some food, I also went to the apartment. I'm going to be a deposit down next time I get some cash-out." You called out to Jisung not realising he was on the phone to someone.

"Yes, it's Y/n. No, why would I care?.... You left them out in the cold with nowhere to go why would I do that?" From the tone of Jisung's voice, you knew it was Jeongin on the other end of the phone so you looked down at the floor.

"Tell him not to worry. I'll be out of his hair before he knows it and he'll never have to think of me again!" You yelled over Jisung who sighed at you before the line went dead.

"Y/n... You're not seriously going to leave right?" Jisung questioned as he looked at you, you unpacked the food onto the table.

"I'm going to shower."

(X)

"Fuck of Sungie I'm trying to sleep." You groaned as someone kept shaking your leg to try and wake you up,

"I said fuck off!" You sat up ready to be angry at Jisung but you came face to face with a worried looking Jeongin.

"I-I'm leaving." You mumbled as you got out of his bed, as much as you'd like to say being without him was great it wasn't. You found it hard to sleep without smelling him, or cuddling up beside him.

"Don't." He whispered pulling you back down into the bed beside him, wrapping you up in his arms as he spooned you from behind.

"You kicked me out." You answered with no expression in your voice, you didn't snuggle back into him like you normally would either.

"I-I have no excuses for what I said and did. You shouldn't even want to talk to me right now but being away from you and hearing that you were going to get your own place it-"

"Made you realise how much of an idiot you were?" You teased as you slightly relaxed back into him, feeling at home as soon as you breathed in his scent.

"I wouldn't have used those words but yes." He mumbled against your neck as he left a small kiss on your skin.

After laying there for a while he smiled at you, kissing your cheeks.

"I sort of...Need to go back to the camp ground. I stole the second van and there's no way they'll get home without it." He whispered to you as you turned around to face him,

"C-Can me and Jisung come?" You whispered looking at the watch on his wrist, it was almost 3 am but a long night drive sounded perfect right now. 

Tagline: @taestannie @kneel-begyourpardon @channiewoo​ @minholuvs​ @lkwonmj​

[azaleavi]

“All of the songs are about you”

Requested by anon: Hi, first of all I want to thank you for all your amazing work that you share with us, I absolutely adore everything that you write!!! Secondly, I was wondering if I could request something with Sebastian, where reader is a famous singer and younger than him, and when they reveal their relationship, people start saying that he is only using her and he gets worried that she will leave him for someone her age. Once again, thank you! 😚

Word count: 2k

Author's note: Thank you for your kind words dear nonnie! I hope you like it.

Warning(s): language

Feedback is always appreciated and don’t forget to reblog and like if you enjoyed it and want to see more. Thank you!

Masterlist

Both of you being famous wasn't easy with you being a singer and Sebastian being an actor. Especially when you wanted to keep your relationship a secret and you were quite younger than him. You have been dating for a while now and you couldn't be more in love with him. He was your muse for many of your songs, but the fans didn't know that. They did notice though that you started writing more love songs than before. You got questions about it almost every day, but you never answered them. They had their speculations, but you never confirmed any of it. It might be selfish, but you wanted to keep him all to yourself and both of you agreed to wait a little more before going public. He was promoting his new movie and you didn't want people to think that you announced your relationship only to give more publicity to it. But sometimes the universe doesn't care what you want.

It was a normal day, like any other, when you were at Sebastian's house and you started craving some McDonald's. The weather was nice for the time being past 10 pm so you decided to go out to buy it instead of ordering. It was dark already so you weren't afraid that anybody would see or recognize you. It was a five minute walk from his house and you thought it would be nice have a short walk. You waited for Sebastian to lock the front door then started walking down the street hand in hand. It probably wasn't the best idea, but you really didn't think that any paparazzi would be near you. You went into the fast food place to buy what you needed, then started walking back to his place, laughing at a story he was telling you. You loved these late night walks, the dark giving you a sense of comfort.

"Baby" he stopped walking as still giggled, making you stop as well. You turned to him, eyebrows raised in question, a smile still on your face. "I love you" he blurted out, intently looking at you, waiting for your reaction. He never said it before, despite dating for almost 6 months now. You didn't say it either yet, not wanting to make him uncomfortable or rush him. After his last relationship he wanted to be extra sure when saying the three words and you understood him. Your heart skipped a few beats at his confession, the smile widening on your lips.

"I love you too, Seb." you beamed, stepping closer to him and pulling him into a hug.

"Thank god." he mumbled into your hair, making you pull away.

"What do you mean 'thank god'? How could I not feel the same way about you? Haven't you heard the songs I wrote lately?" you asked jokingly in disbelief, but knowing he didn't mean it like that.

"You know what I mean" he blushed under the light of the streetlamp.

"I do" your arms going around his neck you pulled him down into a deep kiss. When you broke apart you walked back to his house to finally eat.

What you didn't realize was that there was a paparazzi following you, getting the perfect angle of your kiss, taking a series of photos.

The next morning you were woken up by your phone essentially exploding with calls and messages. You groaned as you reached for it, barely being able to touch it as Sebastian refused to let go of your waist.

"Why is your phone waking us up at the ass crack of dawn?" he groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"I don't know" you unlocked it to see at least 25 calls from your manager and another few from friends and family. Around the same amount of texts were sent as well, making you sit up in bed, confused. "Something is wrong." he sat up at your tone to look at your phone. You dialed your manager, putting it on speaker. She picked up right away.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she almost screamed into the device, making Sebastian look at you.

"I was sleeping. It's 7 am." you explained.

"Care to tell me why is you and Sebastian kissing plastered on every news site on the internet right now?" your whole world stopped at her words.

"What did you say?" Sebastian spoke up as you were still frozen in your spot.

"Oh your partner in crime is there too? Great. I don't have to say this twice." she was being sarcastic, but you didn't care. You just wanted an explanation.

"Tell us what is happening, please" you pleaded.

"There are multiple pictures of you going around. They are claiming that they took them last night." she explained, but that wasn't enough.

"What pictures?" you asked.

"Pictures of you holding hands and kissing." you ran your hand through your hair.

"Fuck" Sebastian sighed.

"That's an understatement." you heard shuffling on the other side. "So I recommend you guys figure out what you are going to do and do it real fast because it is getting out of hand."

"Yeah, sure we will do that." he took the phone from you. "Thanks."

"Just doing my work." she ended the call with a sigh. Sebastian looked at you as you stared at your legs, deep in thought.

"Hey" he brushed his hand up your back, shaking you out of your mind.

"Yeah?" you looked at him, startled.

"We need to do something." he explained.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. What should we do? Go public? I mean we don't really have any other choice." you furrowed your brows.

"Do you want that?" he wanted you to be hundred percent okay with whatever you were going to do.

"Yes, I just hoped it wouldn't happen like this." you sighed. "Do you want that?" you asked back.

"Yes. We already talked about going public so I guess we will have to do it now." he shrugged.

"How are we doing this then?" you stood up to get dressed, getting ready for the day.

"Posting a video on TikTok?" he grinned.

"Absolutely not. We are not posting on Tiktok." you shook your head, laughing.

"So where do you want it? Facebook?" he raised his eyebrows, joking.

"No." you laughed. "I was thinking about posting a pic on Instagram." you threw out the idea. Both of you used the app a lot so it would be the best choice.

"Okay, let's find a picture." he also stood up.

"Ah-ah" you held out your hand to stop him. "You talk to your manager while I pick out a picture to post on my account and you can post one on yours if you want to. Mine is going to be a surprise." you grinned, already having one in mind. It was your favorite picture of you, taken by a friend without your knowledge. You were in a parking lot at the beach, you sitting on the hood of his car while he was standing between your legs, kissing you. There was a second picture, where you were leaning your forehead against his, both of you laughing at your friends shouting at you to get a room. Both of your faces were clearly seen on them so you decided to post both of them.

'All of the songs are about you' the caption read. In seconds your notifications were blowing up with comments from fans. You didn't want to read them, because you knew how people on the internet could get and you knew that you being younger than him would bother some of them. Sebastian came out of the bedroom to sit next to you.

"You posted it?" he asked, taking out his phone.

"Yep" you smiled. You leaned your head against his shoulder as he opened the app, waiting for his reaction. He immediately searched up your name and tapped on the photo. His thumb froze on the little heart as he read the caption. He put the phone down and grabbed your chin to pull you to his soft lips in a kiss.

"I love you." he mumbled into your lips.

"I love you too." you giggled. He pulled away to pick up the phone to leave a comment. 'If I wrote songs mine would be about you too' you snorted at it. "You are cute"

-

A few days later you had enough courage to check the comments people were leaving online. Maybe it wasn't the best idea.

'Jesus. Isn't he like 12 years older than her?? Gross'

'He is definitely using her lmao but I can't blame him, get that coin king'

'Y'all think she calls him daddy in the bedroom kjsdnhs'

'She is just using him to write songs'

There were nice comments as well, calling you cute together and wishing you well. The mean comments always stuck with you more though and you didn't want Sebastian to read them. It was enough that you went through them. Both of you were a little insecure about your age gap, but you loved each other so you helped the other through the harder times.

You got to his house and walked in as he asked you to not to knock anymore. You found him sitting on his couch, phone in hand. Hoping that he wasn't doing what you thought he was doing you sat down next to him. He had instagram open.

"Seb" you sighed, taking the phone out of his hands.

"What? I just wanted to see what they were saying." he tried to defend himself.

"You shouldn't read these." you shook your head. "So you wanna watch a movie?" you changed the subject. He agreed with your suggestion.

The movie had been playing for a half an hour when he pulled away from your cuddling.

"What if they are right?" his voice was so quiet so almost didn't hear him. You paused the movie to look at him.

"What do you mean?" you asked, confused by his sudden outburst.

"The comments saying that you could do so much better than me" he kept looking at his feet. You sat up and grabbed his chin to turn his head towards you, your heart breaking at his words. This was exactly why you didn't want him to read them.

"Baby" you sighed. "They are not right. Not even by far. I could not find anyone better than you even if I tried. But I'm not trying because I have you with me and you are the best thing that happened to me in a long time. So get that thought out of your head." you stared into his eyes to get your point across.

"But don't you want someone your age?"

"No I don't." you shook your head. "I am perfectly happy with you and I don't need anyone else." you held his cheeks between your palms. "Plus I like it that you are older." you smirked making him chuckle lightly. Climbing onto his lap you pulled him closer. "I love it that you are more experienced." you pressed a soft kiss on his cheek. "I love it that you are taller." a kiss under his ear. "I love it that you are always so so sweet to everyone you meet." a kiss on his nose. Your right hand went into his hair as your lips kissed down to his neck. "And I love the way you make me feel when it's just the two of us." you whispered into his ear, your breath hitting his skin, making him let out a moan. He grabbed your waist in a strong grip. "I love how big your hands are." you nipped at his skin on his neck earning another noise of pleasure and his fingers digging into your skin. "But most importantly" you pulled away so you could look into his eyes to show your sincerity. "I love you. All of you. With everything I have." his eyes softened as he pulled you into a passionate kiss.

"I love you too."

Permanent taglist: @byatomoe

Sebastian Stan taglist: @wobblymug @sleutherclaw @toms-spiders @sarcastically-defensive17 @allforkook @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @mrsbarnesinmyimagination @bbl32 @wakandabiitch2

get added to my taglist

[kimvvantae]

puzzle; 8 (FINAL)

➜  you and jungkook are best friends of a lifetime, even though your personalities are like unmatching pieces of a puzzle. the line between friendship and something more has never been crossed between you two - but that changes after a break up and a drunken night, when you not-so-accidentally cross this line to something much more. what happens when after this accident your non-matching puzzle pieces seem to match in a way you’ve never imagined?

pairing: jungkook x (f) reader

genre: smut, angst, comedy; friends with benefits au; college au

warnings: lots of swearing, alcohol consumption, unprotected sex

rating: 18+

word count: 16k

A/N: finally the last chapter! i am actually feeling very emotional right now. i enjoyed writing puzzle so much and it received so much love since the beginning! your feedback always kept me motivated to write. thank you so much to everyone that followed these two dorks and waited patiently for every update. i hope we can meet again in future works! 

hmmm, a little rec?? but i listened to sweet night by taehyung as i wrote this chapter. maybe listening to it will enhance your experience too!

enjoy!

➜  Chapters: check up masterlist in bio!

« playlist »

You don’t know how long it has been until Taehyung finds you.

It’s cold. The tears have finally come to a halt, but you’re still sobbing and sniffling. You should probably get up and go home. It’s late. Not safe to be alone on the street like this. You should probably call an uber or something. 

Yet, every time you think of Jungkook’s tears, it seems that your own eyes well up with tears all over again.

What makes you snap back into reality is the sound of shoes walking down the stairs.

You get up in a jump, feeling your legs ache in the process, and turn around to see the person you least expected to see right now. Taehyung stops some steps ahead. The light pole behind him marks his silhouette with a halo.

“I finally found you,” he says after a few seconds. He sounds hesitant but somehow relieved. 

It makes your heart clench even more.

You make an immense effort to speak, as if words ran over inside your throat and made it stuck. Well, they did, in a sense.

“Taehyung, w-what…?” is all you can stutter. You don’t really need to finish the sentence. What are you doing here? Why did you come after me even though I hurt you?

He looks down and caresses the back of his neck. You notice that he’s nervously fiddling with his car keys on the other hand. Oh. He probably didn’t want to be around you, either.

“Well, you ran away down the street like that. I got worried.”

You shouldn’t.

“It’s… not safe to be by yourself on the street like this. I’m taking you home.”

Please, don’t be kind to me. 

It will be much harder if you’re being kind to me.

“Taehyung, I…” you feel yourself squeezing your purse against you, just as nervous as he is. You don’t want to bother him with your presence anymore. “I was about to call an uber. You don’t need to…”

“It’s alright. I’m already here anyway.” He starts to walk up the stairs again without looking back. Without giving you a chance to disagree. “Let’s go.”

It seems that your legs forgot how to walk as you watch him. You don’t want to get inside his car. You don’t want to face him, not right now. 

When Taehyung reaches the top of the stair alley, he finally looks back at you in silence. 

That’s when you realize that you have to face him. You were never one to run away from the consequences of your actions.

The newest consequence is staring back at you in quiet sadness.

You inhale deeply before going after him.

An awful silence hovers in the air during the entire ride home.

You can’t help but shrink on the passenger’s seat, hugging your own arms tight, your head leaning on the window. Taehyung does not make any attempt to engage a conversation. His presence is suffocating.

Something cold sets in your stomach when he parks the car in front of your apartment’s building. There’s nothing out there to distract you anymore. Nowhere else to run to.

You inhale again.

“Thank you.” you say softly. 

Taehyung doesn’t say anything as he rests his hands on his lap. You watch him intently as he gulps, his eyes glued in something ahead.

“So.” He starts, his voice as low as yours. This is painful. It was never your intention to put him in that situation, never. “I don’t want to take a drunk man seriously.”

It’s your turn to gulp. You really really don’t want to explain everything to him in detail. “Mike is a son of a bitch. He got it all wrong.”

“It seems that he got one thing right, though. Judging by Jungkook’s reaction.”

It’s getting difficult to breathe again.

Taehyung turns his head slowly to look at you.

“Are you guys…?”

You honestly feel like jumping out the window, but your feelings for Taehyung make you stay still. He’s a kind friend. He deserves to hear it clearly.

So you take a deep breath before speaking.

“Jungkook and I, we… we were never a real thing. Not really.” It hurts to say this out loud. It seems that you can still hear his broken voice…

There was never anything real happening, right? We were never real.

“B-But recently I realized that I have feelings for him.”

Taehyung nods slowly and sinks on the driver's seat. He rests his chin on his hand, letting a shaky deep breath out.

“Why did you call me today, then?”

“To tell you the truth.”

He gasps softly and shakes his head again. Taehyung has completely broken eye contact with you and his body language looks protective - building an almost visible wall between you and him in seconds.

“Wow. It seems that I was the one who got it all wrong.”

You feel like touching him to give him even a little bit of comfort, yet you know that you’re his main discomfort in the moment. You turn your body in his direction, pleading.

“Taehyung, it wasn’t meant to happen this way. I didn’t want to hurt you, not at all. I know that an apology won't be enough...”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” He cuts you. His voice sounds strange, so different from how he has ever talked to you. He’s very quiet, but you can feel the anger and hurt lying underneath. “We never had anything anyway. I was the delusional one here.”

No, not again. You don’t think you can take more guilt for one night. You didn’t just delude him going on that date; you deluded him every time you talked, every time you texted each other. Taehyung saw something more when there was nothing at all - he felt something more, and you were too confused with your own feelings for Jungkook to notice what you were doing.

“Taehyung…”

“I’m feeling very ashamed right now.” He admits with a shaky exhale. “Could you…?”

He doesn’t finish his sentence, but you know very well what he meant. Leave.

You nod and open the door into the cold night. You still stand there on the sidewalk hesitantly for a few seconds before whispering a shy “I’m sorry”. Taehyung doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even look your way.

When you shut the door, you know very well that from now on, your friendship with Taehyung is also shut. 

You’ll miss him really bad.

It feels like you can barely carry the weight of your own body as you slowly make your way to your apartment - which is weird, because you feel empty right now. 

Your apartment isn’t as empty as you expected when you open the door, though. Seulgi is standing on the kitchen counter and she smiles wide when she sees you. She looks excited in a way she hasn’t been in months; it seems that she’s about to say something.

Her smile dies as she sees your puffy face and your red nose and eyes. 

“Y/N, what happened…?”

For some reason, when you look at her, you start crying again.

Seulgi wides her eyes and runs to where you’re standing, shocked and confused - probably because you have never cried in front of her yet. Never. 

“Oh my God, Y/N! What happened?!”

You can’t answer because the sobs won’t let you. You can just rest your face on Seulgi’s shoulder as she hugs you, patting your back. She is so confused that she can’t really think of anything else to do.

After a few minutes of restless crying, Seulgi manages to lead you to sit on the couch and runs back to the kitchen to take a glass of water. She sits by your side and hands you the glass, caressing your hair sweetly.

“Can you talk now, babe? What happened?” She asks again quietly as you try to drink a little bit of water.

You wipe the tears away once again and sniff. This place reminds you of him way too much. It feels that he belongs here, even though it’s not his home. And maybe… maybe he won’t ever step inside, ever again.

“I-It’s J-Jungkook.” it’s hard to speak between the sobs.

“Did you guys fight?” You nod weakly. “Was it that bad?”

Yes. Yes, it was.

After months of pretending, you finally open up to Seulgi. There’s no reason to keep this from her anymore. After Mike’s scandal, that’s probably everything the whole campus will be talking about in the next few days (you saw a lot of familiar faces at the bar).

It seems that Seulgi’s eyes will pop out of her face as you speak.

She stares at you, jaw dropped in pure shock.

“You and Jungkook what?!” is the first thing she exclaims. “Since when?!”

You rest your back on the couch and gaze at the ceiling. The sobs have finally stopped, at least. “Do you remember when I broke up with Mike? When we went to that club?”

“Yes, and you spent the night out…” Seulgi trails off as realization hits her. She stares at you as if you’ve grown a second head. “That guy you were talking about was Jungkook?!”

You just nod.

Seulgi gasps and rests her back on the couch right by your side, your arms touching. She’s speechless for a while.

“But, like… how many times?”

“I don’t know.” She gasps again.

“That many times?”

You nod. “It was almost daily at some point.”

It seems that she can’t close her jaw anymore. “Where?”

“Here. His apartment. His car.” You frown. “Sometimes a cheap hotel downtown, when you and Jimin were both home.”

Seulgi stays quiet for a little longer.

You side eye her. “You didn’t suspect?”

She shakes her head slowly. “I thought you guys were acting strange for a while now, but I never thought this was going on.” She looks back at you. “Did someone know?”

“Jimin caught us once.” you decide to omit where he caught you. It’s embarrassing to say that you fucked inside Joy’s bathroom out loud and it makes you feel even worse. “But he promised to not tell anyone."

Back to silence. You can almost hear the engines inside Seulgi’s brain trying to process everything you just told her.

“But why did you guys fight?”

You take a deep breath before telling her the rest. Taehyung, Joy, Mike, Yeri. It’s quite painful to explain, but it’s also relieving.

If you thought Seulgi looked shocked before, now it looks like she just found out that Santa is real.

She completely turns her body in your direction, eyes super wide. “Do you like Jungkook?”

You nod softly, staring at your own fingers.

“It’s more than just liking him.” You admit sheepishly.

Then she’s quiet for a long, long time. You decide to finally look up at her.

Now you’re surprised.

“Why the hell are you smiling?”

Seulgi hides her mouth with both hands - as if this wouldn’t let you see the big ass grin on her lips. “I’m sorry. It’s… it’s cute.”

“Cute?” you quirk one eyebrow. “My suffering is cute to you?”

“That’s not what I mean.” she waves her hand dismissively. “I always kind of shipped you two, okay? It’s just that you two looked really good together and you always had such good chemistry and all. But I tried to stop thinking this because, you know, I thought it was wrong to assume that a man and a woman can’t be just friends… and it never looked like you had feelings for him, not at all.”

You stare at her as if she has a second head growing now. “You shipped us?”

“You can’t judge me.”

You cross your arms and sink on the couch even more. This is kind of shocking. “You never thought I liked him?”

Seulgi shakes her head. “Never. Jungkook, though…”

You turn your head to look at her so fast that your neck almost breaks. “What about him?”

She hesitates a little bit before speaking. “Well, sometimes… sometimes I caught him looking at you in some type of way.” 

There it is again. The fast beating of your heart. It’s ridiculous that, even though you’re this miserable, you still feel this spark of happiness inside of you. 

For fuck’s sake, Y/N! I’m in love with you!

You press your lips tight in an attempt to hold back the uninvited smile. It’s not appropriate to feel happy now; it feels that you don’t even have the right to feel happy at all. But his confession is hitting you just now. Hitting you like a truck. 

God, if only you could go back in time. If only you could just make him shut the fuck up and listen to you. Why did he have to be so damn dramatic? 

I love you too, dumbass! Now stop being a cry baby and kiss me!

What if Jungkook never gives you a chance to explain yourself? He can be hard-headed when he wants to. What if Jungkook never lets you get close to him again, what if your intimacy finally dies, what if you get so distant that when you’re in the same room you can’t bear each other’s presence anymore? What if from now on, there won’t be any Jungkook to steal your fries when you’re not looking, or to let you steal his clothes even though he pretends he doesn’t know you’re taking them, or to help you understand a difficult assignment, or to annoy you because he’s bored at 4AM, or to tell you the things no one else would be brave enough to tell you or to just be there when you needed someone the most?

Your brain can’t even comprehend what life without Jungkook is.

A mix of despair and hurry makes you get up in a jump.

“I’m going to his apartment.” Your breath is irregular, adrenaline taking control of your actions. “I-I need to talk to him now.”

“Hey, hey!” Seulgi gets up in a jump and puts her hands on your shoulders, forcing you to stop. “Y/N, you’re not okay. And you said Jungkook is drunk. Do you really think you’ll manage to have a civilized conversation right now? He’s probably still angry, maybe he won’t even listen to you.”

“I don’t care. I’ll shout on his door until he listens to me.”

Seulgi holds you in place again when you try to free yourself from her grip. “This is not a good idea and you know it.” She looks at you very seriously. “Take a shower, Y/N. Go to sleep. Tomorrow you’ll both be cold-headed and able to talk.”

“B-But,” you feel the tears coming back. Fuck. You hold Seulgi’s arms weakly. “But he needs to know the truth. He needs to know I like him back.”

The black-haired girl frowns. “Like him back…?”

You nod and look down. “He… he said that he’s in love with me.”

“Really?!” Seulgi huffs and taps your forehead lightly. “Then why are you so desperate?! He loves you back, dummy!”

“But I’m scared, Seulgi.” You sniff.

She rolls her eyes and pushes you into another hug. “Everything will be okay, Y/N. There’s no need to be worried. You already know the most important. Tomorrow you go talk to him, alright?” She chuckles softly. “Never thought I’d see you acting like this.”

You sniff again. “Now you understand how it is to deal with a stupid lovesick roommate.”

“Ouch.” You notice how she pats your back a bit aggressively. “But for real, Y/N… I’ll always be thankful for what you did today to me and Irene. Even though it was none of your business. And I’ll probably beat you up if you ever intervene in my life like that again-”

“Wow, I really see how you’re thankful, Seul.” She chuckles again.

"And I'm kind of offended that you hid this from me for so long."

"We promised we wouldn't tell anyone about this!"

"Alright, alright." She sighs. “I love you so much, you crackhead. And Jungkook loves you, too. You don’t need to be sad anymore, okay? Just take a shower and go to sleep now.”

You nod weakly.

Maybe she’s right. You’ll have enough time to talk to him tomorrow.

But you don’t think you’ll get any sleep right now.

***

[you]: jungkook

[you]: can we talk?

[you]: we really really need to talk

[you]: can i go to your place?

[you]: please

[you]: i know you’re reading 

[you]: stop ignoring me

[you]: jungkook

[you]: JUNGKOOK

You sigh heavily. This is so frustrating. He didn’t even leave you on read - you’re sure he’s just reading the texts on the notifications and swiping them away. He didn’t block your number, which is a good sign, but this is already getting on your nerves. You’ve been texting since early in the morning (because you couldn’t sleep) and it’s already 5PM.

“He’s ignoring my texts.” You whine to Seulgi as you enter the living room. 

“You said he had things to do today, right? Maybe he’s actually busy.” She says as she checks her makeup on the mirror. It’s been a long time since you saw her getting all pretty like this; she did her nails, made curls on her hair, put on that green skirt she bought months ago but never wore it. This is what being happy and in love looks like. Pretty, well-dressed, nice hair, healthy skin and all.

Meanwhile, your hair looks like a bird nest, you’re wearing the ugly Naruto t-shirt you have since middle school, your entire face is swollen and you have bags under your eyes. This is also what being in love looks like, unfortunately.

“Why don’t you just go to his apartment already?”

“You told me not to do it.”

“I told you not to do it yesterday. Today he’s not drunk anymore.”

You cross your arms. “I’m… I’m still kind of nervous.”

Seulgi turns around and looks at you and quirks her eyebrow. There’s the ghost of a smirk on her lips. “I never thought I’d see you nervous because of anyone. You look like a teenager…”

"I swear to God, if you say that you think I look cute one more time I'll fucking kill you."

Seulgi laughs and runs to you again, putting her hands on your shoulders. "Y/N, do you remember how you were always telling me that I was complicating simple things?"

"Yes."

She lifts her eyebrows. "So."

You roll your eyes and huff. "But it's not that easy!"

"Now you understand how I felt, huh?" Her eyes soften again. "For real, though. If you show up at his door he won't ignore you, I'm sure. Just go."

You sigh again and nod. "You're right. Just… let me build some courage, okay?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" She looks a bit worried. "I could go out with Irene another day."

"No, no. Go on your date." You wave your hands. "I'm not gonna die. Also, your pussy must be dusty after so long-"

She smacks your shoulder a bit too strongly as you let yourself laugh for the first time today. 

When Seulgi leaves, you still stand in the middle of the living room for a good while. Like a Sim whose action has just been cancelled.

Whoever is playing you is really evil for putting all the wrong people in the wrong places past night.

You know that you’re not being rational. You should have gone to his house a long time ago… but something holds you back. Perhaps because now there’s no turning back. You know what you feel for Jungkook and you know what he feels for you - your relationship got completely out of its comfort zone, and now you can’t even pretend anymore. Things won’t ever be the same. 

Maybe Jungkook is ignoring you because he’s embarrassed of what Mike did. He basically exposed you two in front of his friends. Sure, that’s none of no one’s business, but still… Jungkook didn’t want anyone to know about it in the first place.

You stare at your phone for a good while. Your reflection on the phone’s screen stares back at you in disgust.

For the hundredth time today, you unlock it and open Jungkook’s number. Your thumbs hover over the keyboard hesitantly.

[you]: jungkook i know youre mad at me and you have all the rights to be but

You frown and delete the text. It doesn’t sound good.

[you]: can you stop being dramatic and just text me back already?

You feel tempted to send this one, but if Jungkook’s angry, this will only make the situation worse. You sigh and try again one more time

[you]: i just really want to talk. you didnt let me speak last night. i know youre probably busy but please. i wont take much of your time

This one sounds about right. You tap the send button.

Then, your fingers mindlessly type one more text. It makes your heart beat fast just looking at it.

[you]: i love you too

You want to send this one so bad.

But you don’t.

Because this isn’t something to be told by text.

Coward! the angry voice of your consciousness yells in your mind. Stop being a coward! You’re an evolved human being, not a stupid teenager! Get this ass up the couch and go meet him!

You get up in a jump.

“I’m not a coward!” you say out loud. If you weren’t this out of your mind, you would have noticed how stupid it was to scream encouraging words by yourself in the living room.

But you don’t care right now.

You don’t care that your face is all puffy and the dark circles around your eyes make you look like a raccoon. You don’t care that you’re wearing your ulgy Naruto t-shirt with old ketchup stains, and you don’t care that you’re wearing the sweatpants that fall down your butt as you walk, and you don’t care that your hair looks like a living animal.

You just straight out leave your home and march to his. Flip flops and all.

Your heart beats at a stupid race as you walk, the sun already disappearing behind the buildings. The anxious part of your brain keeps reminding you that you don’t know what to say when you meet him and you don’t know what his reaction will be, but you shut this whiny voice up. Being with Jungkook always meant that you didn’t have to think a lot in the first place. Being with him is natural, it takes no effort. When you see him you’ll know what to say. You’re sure.

Yet, you can’t help but feel more and more nervous as you enter his apartment building (you never needed to ask permission to enter). You close your hands in fists, gulp multiple times, your heartbeat sounds like drums on your ears.

Your hand hovers over the door.

“Shit,” you whisper to yourself. It’s real. It’s happening. Come on. Don’t be a coward.

After taking one more deep breath, you finally knock on the door.

There’s noise inside. Steps. Fuck, you’re shaking.

You hear the sound of the door unlocking and you hold your breath ready to face him-

Jimin.

He widens his eyes and blinks.

“Oh. Hi, Jimin.” you say awkwardly. Why is he looking at you this way? “Hm, is Jungkook home?”

Jimin looks hesitant for a moment.

“No.”

It’s your turn to widen your eyes. So that’s why he isn't texting you back. This makes you a bit relieved.

“Is… is he working?” You can’t hide your disappointment.

“Not yet. He starts tomorrow.”

You put your hands on your waist and walk from side to side as Jimin just watches you in silence.

“Jimin, at what time he’ll be home tomorrow? Do you think it’ll be too late in the night? I really need to talk to him, but that fucker keeps ignoring my texts.”

You don’t like the face Jimin is making now.

You really don’t like it.

He scratches the back of his neck and frowns. “He… he didn’t tell you?”

This makes you stop.

“Tell me what?”

Jimin exhales and gulps.

“He told you that he’ll start working for Mr. Choi, right? That director.”

“Yes.” Each word of his makes you more and more worried. 

“So… this project he’s involved in…” Jimin licks his lips before continuing. “It’s overseas.”

You stare at him in silence as this information sinks in.

“Overseas?! Are you telling me he fucking left the country?!”

“Yes.”

You can’t believe what you just heard.

“B-But- yesterday Jungkook and I were planning to go out! This makes no sense!”

“Well,” Jimin looks hesitant again. “In fact, his flight is tomorrow morning, but he left earlier because we kind of had an argument.” He sends you an apologetic gaze. “He was drunk yesterday and all and I was trying to calm him down and I might have accidentally let it slip that I knew about you two, and this kinda pissed him off even more because, well, he was drunk and you know how Jungkook gets stupid when he’s drunk, so I think he left to his parent’s house and he’ll head to the airport tomo- wait, are you crying?!”

You sniff and hide your face behind your hands.

“Oh my God,” Jimin sounds confused and borderline panicked as he watches you start sobbing again. “Y/N, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“B-Because h-he-!” you can’t fucking speak anymore.

Jimin puts a hand on your back and guides you to sit on the couch. He brings some tissues and pats your back awkwardly as you cry and sob like stupid. 

“W-Why didn’t he tell me he was l-leaving?” you ask yourself. 

Jimin sighs. “Y/N, it’s not like he’s leaving forever. It’s just for this project. He’ll be back by the end of the week.”

“B-But he would’ve told me something so important!” You blow your nose. Jimin frowns. “I didn’t know this project was so huge! What, is it a movie or something?”

“It’s a music video.” You stare at Jimin in disbelief. “Jungkook has been around the recording studio with Namjoon and Yoongi a lot. He ended up meeting Mr. Choi, who has been directing some music videos for Big Hit Records’ artists. He liked Jungkook’s work and invited him to work as an assistant… I mean, the assistant of the assistant, as Jungkook himself said.”

You exhale, feeling your shoulders drop. “Why didn’t he tell me this?”

Jimin’s eyes soften. “Your friendship hasn’t been in the best shape these days, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”

You rest your elbows on your legs and hide your face behind your hands again. You didn’t want to be crying this bad again, yet you just can’t stop. You don’t even know why you’re crying anymore. Jimin just caresses your back in silence as your sobs start quieting down.

“You were right,” you say at some point.

“What?”

“When you told me not to hurt him. I was hurting him and I didn’t even realize. I’m so stupid.”

Jimin tilts his head. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, Y/N. You were both stupid.” You side eye him.

“Jungkook said that he’s in love with me.” This makes him quirk his eyebrows.

“Oh.”

“You don’t look very surprised.”

“I’m not.”

“Did… did he tell you?”

“No.”

“Was it that obvious?”

Jimin presses his lips together hesitantly. “Do you want me to comfort you or do you want me to be honest?”

“Be honest.”

“It was pretty fucking obvious that he’s in love with you. At least for me.” 

You exhale and swipe your hands over your face. “I’m so stupid!” you repeat.

“Look, Y/N, to be honest, I think Jungkook is the most stupid. He was torturing himself with this fuck buddies thing, you know? He agreed to it in the first place. Everyone knows that this type of thing shouldn’t involve feelings, but he was the one to throw himself into it while he already had feelings.”

“It’s not like he’s the only one, though.”

Jimin seems about to say something, but he stops and stares at you, jaw-dropped.

“Wait, what do you mean?”

You rest your back on the couch. “I mean that I was also stupid enough to throw myself into it while having feelings.”

He’s quiet for a few more seconds.

“Do you mean that you like him back?”

You don’t answer. 

Much like Seulgi, it looks like Jimin just discovered something world-shocking. “Since when? Have you liked him since the beginning?”

You sigh sadly.

“No, I haven’t. To me, it was just fun. Until I realized that he was getting too far from my reach and- and I realized that Jungkook has never been too far, never, and I don’t know what to do when he’s not around.” You sniff. You’re not talking to Jimin anymore at this point; you’re talking to yourself. “Y-You know, now that I think about it, I… I guess I understand why it was always so good. Not just because he fucks good or because of his big dick-”

“I don’t need to hear this, do I?” Jimin whines in disgust.

“-but because it was him.” One more tear rolls down your cheek. “It was good because it was with him.”

The way you always felt comfortable to be naked in front of him. How it was always lighthearted and fun and exciting. You had good sex with other people before, but never like this. Maybe because these other people didn’t have Jungkook’s handsome smile or because their eyes didn’t gleam with excitement the way his does or because they didn't smell like baby powder. Or maybe because it was never scary to be exposed in front of him because he already knew everything about you - there wasn’t really anything else to expose. 

Jungkook felt like home.

Now, you feel homeless.

You wipe the tears away once more and look at Jimin-

“Why are you smiling?”

Doesn’t this scene look familiar?

“I’m sorry, it’s just that- wow, I don’t even know what to say.” Jimin doesn’t even try to hide his smile. “I’ve been waiting so long for this. Like, I kind of suspected that you had feelings for him, but I couldn’t be sure because you’re a hard bitch to read. To be honest, when I saw what you two were doing I wanted to kill you because you couldn’t be this blind to not realize how he feels about you-”

“Can you stop being honest for a moment?”

“Oh.” Jimin gulps, but he can’t stop smiling. “I’m sorry.”

You sigh again and cross your arms. “What if he never lets me explain myself, Jimin?”

“Stop the drama.” Jimin’s voice hardens suddenly. “You two are very similar in this sense, you know? I’m sure that Jungkook will listen to whatever you have to say. And he’ll be away for just four days! It’s not like he’s leaving forever.”

You sit there in silence for some moments. You’re sure that if you tell that you’re scared to talk to Jungkook, he will probably beat you up. He never had that much patience.

Jimin exhales heavily and gets up. “Wait a minute.” You watch as he walks into Jungkook’s empty bedroom, frowning. He stays there for a little while. When he comes back to the living room, he stops in front of you and hands you something.

“Jungkook’s gonna kill me when he finds out, but I don’t care.” 

“What is this-?”

“Just take it already. And watch it when you’re back home. It’s so personal that I got uncomfortable the first time I watched it.”

“Then why are you giving it to me-?”

“Just fucking take it, Y/N!”

You take the small device before Jimin makes you swallow it. 

He smiles sweetly.

“Everything will be fine, okay? Don’t worry. I’m always right.”

You stare at the small black pen drive in between your fingers.

This time, you genuinely hope he’s right.

You had honestly forgotten how it feels to get drunk. 

At the same time that the dizziness feels familiar, it's also hitting you like a truck. Your friends didn't believe you when you said that you'd stop drinking, yet you've been loyal to your word. Of course, it's not like you didn't drink anything in all those months, but a single beer isn't the same as a pack of beer.

The way your body's responding to the alcohol in your system isn't right. Your stomach is already tangling around itself, you can't walk a straight line from the couch to the kitchen counter without feeling that there's holes opening on the floor, and your thoughts are more incomprehensible than usual. You'd usually not get drunk so fast - and surely not with just beer. You're the girl that was still very sober after many tequila shots that time a random date of yours was trying to get you drunk - he ended up drunk after a few shots, of course, and you left the son of a bitch alone while he vomited on himself.

Being in love sure has changed you a lot.

Look, it's not the first time you drink to forget about your problems. You've been doing that since high school and you're tired of hearing Jungkook say how this behavior is unhealthy (he's right, as usual). This time, though, you're not forgetting about your problems, you're just thinking about them more.

It doesn't help that you're listening to Seulgi's playlist on Spotify called "i miss you irene." You laughed your ass off when you found out she really made a heartbreak playlist and named it like that. "You're torturing yourself, Seulgi," you told her. I mean, why would someone sad listen to songs that will only make them more sad?

Well.

Here you are now, laying on the carpet as Spending my Time by Roxette is blasting on the speakers.

People really knew how to write heartbreak songs back in the 90s.

"Fuck you, Jungkook." you mumble, staring at the ceiling. "I'm shoving alcohol up my ass. You can't tell me what to do."

Jungkook, that fucker. Why didn’t he listen to you? Why didn’t you shut him up? If there was a way to go back in time you’d do it. You wouldn’t have kissed Taehyung, you wouldn’t let him get the wrong impression. You wouldn’t have encouraged Jungkook to be with Joy. Fuck, if you could go back in time you would have woken up that first morning in Jungkook’s bed and said that it meant a lot to sleep with him, that you were willing to not be just friends anymore.

(Of course, back then you didn’t feel that way, but you’re drunk and sad. Give yourself a break.)

Now, you can’t tell him what you feel because he’s somewhere overseas. He probably bought new clothes for such an important occasion. You imagine him being in a real set for the first time, his eyes gleaming as he watches the staff working, him trying to hold his excited smile back because he’s supposed to look professional and-

You sniff. You have a stuffy nose. Fuck.

You're so drunk that you can't really control your actions anymore. If Seulgi were here, she would probably stop you. But she's not here. She's somewhere with Irene.

So you take your phone, tap the Instagram app and start typing.

[@you]: hell o 😅😂🤣😊

[@you]: its been a log time how u doing???

[@you]: what if we meeet????

And unfortunately, she replies.

[@yerimiese]: hi 🤗

[@yerimiese]: yeah, sure!

[@yerimiese]: when can we meet?

It’s the back pain that makes you wake up the next day because you slept on the floor. You’re dizzy and confused, your poor brain trying to understand what’s happening, why you’re on the floor, why there’s so many empty beer cans around you and why your phone is flashing with notifications from last night.

When your sight finally adjusts to the light your phone screen produces, your eyes widen and you stand up in a jump, making your back ache even more.

Did you seriously DM Yeri and she seriously agreed to meet you?!

It’s currently 11:40 AM - and you agreed to meet at noon. 

You run to your bedroom so fast that it makes you dizzy and you end up hitting your hip against the doorframe and it feels like you fucking broke it. You just have time to wear the first clean clothes you see laying around, tie your hair up and run to take the first bus you see.

You could’ve just told Yeri that you weren’t going anymore, of course, even though she agreed to meet you and it would’ve been kind of rude. You know it’s going to be the most awkward moment ever to see her after so long, especially now that you have feelings for her ex. Gosh - you’re already feeling so much embarrassment that you feel like jumping out of the bus and running back home. Why the fuck do you always end up doing stupid things when you’re drunk?!

But again - it’s that same chaotic side of you that makes you stay inside the bus and meet her. This chaotic side takes a good portion of your personality, it just gets more outgoing when you’re drunk. The same chaotic side that made you start some friends with benefits bullshit with your best friend just because you liked the idea of not being caught and the same chaotic side that made you passive aggressively flirt with Taehyung when you didn’t really want anything with him-

How the fuck did your friends even stand you?!

You’re forced to stop the existential crisis when you see that you arrived at the park. You feel a shiver run down your spine.

Yeri is sitting on the bus stop. 

She looks prettier than you remember; her hair is short and blonde now, which makes her look more mature. Yeri was always one to walk around well dressed, but right now it feels almost humiliating that she's all pretty when you literally look like a scarecrow. 

She smiles awkwardly and gets up. You didn't even say anything yet and it already feels awkward.

"I’m so sorry, Yeri,” is the first thing you say as you approach each other. “Did I make you wait too long?”

“No! It’s alright. I also got a little bit late.” She says, smiling prettily. Pretty is a word that overall describes her very well. “So, how you’re doing?”

“I’m doing fine!” You’re doing anything but fine at the moment. “What about you?”

“I’m fine, too.”

Silence.

My good Lord.

You start to regret all of your life choices right here and right now. You don’t see this girl in almost a year, you’re not close anymore, you know nothing about her life. Why the fuck did you even come anyway?! The awkwardness is so big that you can almost touch it.

There’s also a small and annoying thought that grows as you watch her - a thought you try very hard to ignore, but you can’t - that this is the girl Jungkook used to fuck before he started fucking you, that he used to go down on her and that he used to be inside of her and that those pretty lips of her once were around his cock and for some reason you start getting really angry-

“Do you wanna have a drink?” Yeri suddenly says.

You blink. “Hm… it’s 12PM.”

“And?” She quirks an eyebrow.

She’s perceptive, this one. Nothing’s better to break the ice than alcohol. 

You don’t even know what you’re doing here anyway, so who cares?

“Sure. I know a bar nearby.”

Yeri slams the empty glass on the counter and stares at you, shocked.

“Mike did what?!”

You nod and swallow one more shot. Your tastebuds are so used (even calloused) from this bitter taste that you don’t even scowl as the drink slides down your throat. “Yeah. It seems that he was cheating on me for a while with that bitch. I caught them inside the lab.”

Yeri stares ahead. She looks speechless. “I will be honest… I heard that he was cheating on you, but I never thought this happened.” She shakes her head slowly. “Why the fuck were they inside a lab anyways? Are they stupid?”

“The lab was deactivated. That part of the science building was being renovated.” You sigh. Reviving those memories is kind of painful right now, especially after what Mike did to you some nights ago. Honestly, he could die and you wouldn’t care. “I was looking for him. His friends told me he went in that direction… well, kinda weird that they snitched on him like that. Maybe they really didn’t know. Anyways, I still don’t know how they got the key to the lab.”

Yeri nods. “Wow… I am really, really shocked. You guys were a pretty couple.” She gesticulates with her hand. “One more shot, please.”

“Me too, please.” You say.

The bartender looks at you two with visible worry. There’s no one else in the bar - who the fuck drinks so much this early? Wait, why is this bar even opened this early? - so he’s obviously hearing your whole conversation. You wonder what’s his opinion on your fucked up love life.

“Are you sure, girls? Shouldn’t you slow down a little bit?” He asks hesitantly.

You wave your hand dismissively. “Nah, we’re good.” You’re still not dizzy, just a little talkative. Getting drunk yesterday seemed to awaken all of your high tolerance superpowers. Pretty Yeri also isn’t one to get drunk that easily.

“We’re strong girls.” She reassures. The bartender shrugs as he prepares two more shots. “You seemed to like him a lot.” 

“I did.” You admit. 

“And he seemed to like you, too. I never expected that. Well… to be honest, Jungkook sometimes told me that he didn’t like Mike and that he was sure that he wasn’t a good guy.”

The sudden mention of his name makes you freeze. You realize that Yeri freezes, too. It seems that she’s also surprised for bringing him up like this. Yeri looks down at the new shot the bartender just placed in front of you two.

“It seems that he was right. As usual.” She finishes in a much lower voice, drinking her shot in one go.

This single sentence makes you realize that “Jungkook” is still a delicate topic for her. Of course it’d be - you don’t know much about their break up, but you sure know it was anything but friendly. Jungkook got pretty fucked up for a few weeks after their break up - and the fact that he refuses to talk about it to this day is enough of an indication.

Shit.

“Anyways, it didn’t stop there.” You decide to go back to your suffering for now, so she can get distracted. “The day before yesterday I bumped into him. He was drunk and made a scandal. Called me a bitch in front of everyone.”

Yeri gasps and looks at you wide eyed. “What? Please, tell me someone punched the fuck out of him!”

“Yeah, my friend did before I could.” You’re not telling her which friend, of course. “It was satisfying. Still made me feel really bad, though.”

“You shouldn’t. You did nothing wrong, Y/N. He’s the son of a bitch here.” Yeri reassures. 

You nod and drink. “But enough of talking about my depressing love life. What about you?”

Yeri sighs, holding the small cup with both hands. “I’m doing fine, I guess. Didn’t really get serious with anyone yet. I’m seeing a guy, though. I don’t think I like him yet, but he’s about right. Who knows?” She says, shrugging.

You nod slowly. We’re getting into dangerous waters now. “I’m glad we’re both moving on, I guess.”

Yeri goes quiet for a while.

“Yeah. I guess so.”

A deep silence settles after this. You stare at the empty cup blankly, feeling the tension building up.

"I… have to be honest." Yeri starts quietly. "It was surprising that you called me after so long." She taps her nails on the counter slowly. "And I have the feeling that you called me for a very specific reason."

You nod slowly. She's not stupid. "You're right."

Yeri hesitates for a second. "You didn't… Jungkook didn't ask you to come here to talk to me, right?"

You almost gasp. Jungkook doesn't even dream that you're with her right now. "No, no. He didn't. You know I'm kinda nosy, but I have my limits too."

Yeri quirks her eyebrows and nods. You really hope that this tiny thing you saw deep in her eyes wasn't disappointment. You really hope that deep down Yeri doesn't still like him.

"So… why did you call me, then?"

You sigh. She came all this way just to meet you, so you have to at least be honest right now.

"I was drunk yesterday when I texted you."

"Oh." Yeri widens her eyes. "I thought there was something wrong with you by the way you were texting."

You chuckle. "But… I did call you because of Jungkook, somehow." You say carefully, She stiffens. "I know it's kinda cruel to do this. If you want to simply leave or if you want to slap me, I won't judge you. But… we had a really ugly fight these days and I don't know what to do. I was hoping that maybe… maybe you could help me understand him."

Yeri goes very, very quiet after this.

"Did you guys fight because of me?" She asks after a while.

"No and yes." Yeri was one of the things that got you overthinking anyways. "I… I really need to know. Again, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. But… why did you guys break up?"

Yeri turns her head slowly to look at you. There's something very serious and hardened on her eyes.

"He never told you." It wasn't a question. You shake your head. "Well, I figured he wouldn't." She looks back to the cup between her hands; you can see she's thinking hard. "Y/N, I always admired your friendship with him. What you have is something truly special. Maybe you won't want to know why. Maybe I don't want to tell you because I don't want to destroy your friendship."

"My relationship with Jungkook won't ever go back to what it used to be anyways. I don't care." 

Yeri looks surprised. She still hesitates for some moments - what makes your blood boil in expectation - but finally sighs and nods.

"Alright, then." She crosses her arms. "I broke up with him because of you."

You stare at her, jaw dropped.

"What? What did I do?" You ask, genuinely confused.

"You did nothing." She chuckles drily. "That's why I couldn't hate you, you know. And I tried to hate you really hard."

You don't know what to say. Some girls Jungkook had some sort of relationship with were very jealous of you, you knew, but Yeri was different. "Were you… were you jealous of me and him? But Yeri- you know we weren't like that."

This is not a lie. You weren't like that while they still dated. You were too stupidly in love with Mike to notice the person that was standing right by your side all along.

"I know." She nods. "I know you didn't. But Jungkook did."

You freeze.

"What?"

Yeri finally looks at you again - clear sadness on her eyes.

"Jungkook loves you. Not in a way a friend does."

You’re absolutely speechless.

Your heart is beating so fast that you think you’re about to faint. Your brain malfunctions and it seems that you lost the ability to speak for a few moments. This shouldn’t shock you - Jungkook confessed his feelings himself not long ago, and Jimin also said how he knew about Jungkook’s feelings - goddamn, even Seulgi noticed it a little bit. But back then? When he was still dating Yeri?

“B-But Yeri-” you hate the way you’re stuttering and you hate how Yeri is telling you something she obviously doesn’t like, but you still feel so fucking happy and fuzzy inside. “Jungkook was in love with you. I’m sure.”

“I thought so, too. And he thought he was in love with me.” Yeri stares ahead again, and in this moment you realize that yes, it still hurts her. “You know… Jungkook was too much like a dream.” She chuckles to herself, as if she can’t believe in what she’s saying. “He was perfect in every sense. His good looks, the way he was always so sweet… God, even the way he’s in bed.” Yes, he’s unbeatable in bed, you want to agree. “Too perfect to be true.”

Yeri goes quiet again for a while. She stares at the cup as if it’s showing her something important she can’t look away from.

“I started to realize why it was so perfect.” Her voice sounds painfully fragile. “He was trying too hard. Always trying his best. At first I thought that it was a good thing… We all want someone that’s always trying their best for you, right? But then… then, I started to watch how he acted when he was around you. Y-You know what’s worst in all this? It’s not like you two gave me actual reason to be jealous. You were never touchy around each other. You were even dating back then, and you two avoided going out together because Mike and Jungkook never got along well. I know it.” She sounds like she wants to cry. It makes you feel really, really bad. 

“But… fuck, it was the way Jungkook acted with you, the way he talked to you, the way he looked at you, that smile he just showed when you were around. With you, he wasn’t trying anything. He didn’t need to try. I saw how he was so comfortable around you and… well, I didn’t need to be a genius to understand that he was so stupidly in love with you that it got him blind.” Yeri inhales and exhales deeply. “Jungkook was too much like a dream. But everyone has to wake up sometime, and I didn’t want to be there when he woke up from his. So I left him before I could get any more hurt.”

You can just stare at her, jaw dropped, adrenaline making your breathing shaky.

“Yeri, I never… I didn’t…” you stupidly stutter.

“I know you didn’t.” She nods. “I even pitied Jungkook, you know. Because he didn’t want to see what he really felt, and because you obviously didn’t feel the same.” Yeri chuckles. “That’s why I can’t hate you. That’s also what gave me some sense of revenge. At least he’s suffering a little bit.”

You’re both very, very quiet for some time.

“I’m sorry.” You say quietly. She doesn’t know you’re apologizing for putting her under the torture of telling those memories that are still painful for her. You weren’t expecting that Yeri still felt so affected by her past relationship even after so long. 

“You don’t need to apologize.” She shakes her head slowly. “It wasn’t meant to be. That’s all. We would both keep suffering like that.” Yeri exhales again and looks at you. “Well… I guess I’m going now. I really hope I didn’t completely kill your relationship with him.”

She didn’t.

She quite helped to save it, actually.

Yeri takes some money from her purse and puts it over the counter, paying for her drinks. As she gets up from the stool, you say:

“Thank you for telling me, Yeri. I really wish you all the happiness you deserve.”

The blonde girl opens a small smile. You see why Jungkook fell - well, at least thought he fell - for her. Maybe Yeri doesn’t know it, but she also looks like a dream. You just hope she’ll find someone that will wake her up to see the most beautiful, warm and lovely reality.

“Thanks. See you around.”

She leaves.

You just sit there, all alone, staring at the counter.

Well- not exactly alone.

The bartender is furiously side-eyeing you.

“What?” You ask drily.

He presses his lips together. “I don’t think I should say anything…”

You tilt your head. “Go ahead. You heard everything anyway.”

The bartender stops in front of you. There’s something wise about him. That’s probably the result of hearing hundreds and hundreds of love stories every night - day, in your case.

“That dude you guys were talking about,” he says. “Your friend. You like him, right?”

You stare at him seriously. “Why would you think that?”

“Because your eyes lit up so much as she talked that I thought you were going to explode.”

Fuck. You can’t even pretend anymore. You avoid his gaze, embarrassed, and nod. “I do.”

He lifts his eyebrows. “Then, and excuse my intrusive ass, what the fuck are you waiting for?” He almost looks annoyed, as if he’s having to explain something painfully obvious. “Go after him, woman!”

You stare at him. 

He’s right.

What the fuck are you waiting for?

Oh, right. You’re waiting until he comes back, because he’s fucking overseas.

It makes you so, so angry. After everything you just heard, after everything you’re feeling right now, you wanted nothing more but to run to him and make him listen to you. You want to see him, to hug him, to make him understand that he’s your most important person in the world, that you can’t see yourself in a world where he isn’t around.

But guess what - you’ll have to wait three days to meet him. 

You look so grumpy on your way back home that people deliberately avoid looking at you. Seulgi and Irene are there when you arrive; Seulgi looks worried, Irene looks confused, you just decide to say you’re alright and lock yourself inside your bedroom because you can’t physically look at a happy couple right now.

You throw yourself on the bed and scream against a pillow.

If someone told you you’d be feeling so many things when all of this started, you wouldn’t have believed. You were always someone to continuously keep the fuck it button pressed - or at least, you pretended you did. Like that, you could trick your heart into believing you weren’t hurt by some jerk who cheated on you, that you didn’t feel like a piece of shit for drowning your problems in alcohol, that you didn’t care that most of your “friends” just cared about you when it came to parties and having fun, that there was never really anyone that truly took you seriously in a relationship.

It’s really easy to pretend those things aren’t real. But it’s just like Yeri said - one moment, everyone has to wake up. To you, waking up means facing the consequences of your actions, to face your feelings.

And it really hurts right now.

It also reminds you that the person you’d usually let your guard down for was Jungkook. You were never embarrassed to be weak in front of him - and it was the other way round. You were always in tune. Always in synergy.

This makes you remember the little black pen drive laying on the nightstand.

You sit in a jump, taking your laptop and the pen drive. Just feeling the device between your fingers makes you feel nervous… that’s why you still didn’t check what’s inside of it yet. Jimin said it was something personal. You’ve been hesitating to see whatever it is.

It can’t be bad, can it?

You plug the pen drive in your laptop. 

The files tab pops up. There’s actually only one file inside the pen drive - a video. It’s called euphoria final test i swear to god. 

You chuckle. This is so Jungkook. 

Your finger still hovers over the touchpad hesitantly. It looks like one of Jungkook’s test videos - you’ve seen plenty of those. Nothing new. Nothing to be scared of. You double click. 

The video opens up and fills up the screen.

It’s a vertical video recorded on selfie mode. Jungkook is walking down the university hall; he has a playful smile on his lips. The video shows you walking by his side, a grumpy expression on your face.

You remember this. He actually posted this on his Instagram stories around one year ago. His hair was way shorter back then. Why does he still have something so silly?

“Y/N’s team lost the championship.” Jungkook says. Of course he looks happy. He roots for the rival team. “How are you feeling right now?”

“Fuck you.” Is all you say.

Jungkook laughs loudly.

Another video.

A song kicks in.

It starts with the sweet melody of a piano. You frown, not recognizing this song at all. 

Then the voice of the singer kicks in, and you feel your whole body freezing.

It’s Jungkook’s voice.

He sounds soft and angelic as you’ve always known - only this time, through professional mics and mixing. This itself is already shocking. You always felt blessed for being one of the few people to know of Jungkook’s singing ability, but this is different. He sounds like a professional singer, someone that makes a living out of it.

You remember Namjoon’s voice.

Hah, Jungkook didn’t tell you yet? He has been working with us! We’re doing a good job. He lent his voice to record some demos.

You then remember what Jungkook told you.

I… I kind of helped them write a song. I felt kind of inspired. It was just for fun, though.

Maybe I’ll let you listen to it any other day.

Is… is this the song he was talking about?

Jungkook’s sweet voice sings:

You are the sunlight that rose again in my life

A reincarnation of my childhood dreams

I don’t know what these emotions are

Am I still dreaming?

Your breathing is irregular. Your fingers are shaking slightly. 

Because as if his voice wasn’t enough to singlehandedly make you feel completely lost, the video is still passing on.

Videos of you.

You sitting on the university’s library, reading a book. You crying that time you ate tacos that were way too spicy, Jungkook’s laughter from behind his phone ringing softly over the song. You playing Just Dance with Seulgi, ridiculously trying to follow the doll’s moves on the TV. You running after Jungkook down the hall as he laughs because he stole your last cookie. You dancing around your kitchen as you prepare breakfast. You and him singing to Staying Alive that night at Burger King, both of you visibly drunk. Your shocked reaction as you watched a plot twist unfold on the TV - an anime he insisted so much for you to watch that you ended up watching.

I hear the ocean from far away

Across the dream, past the woods

I'm following this clarity

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria

You remember some of those videos. He posted some of them on his Instagram or Snapchat. Some of them you sent him yourself. Some of them, though, you had no idea that existed. Videos of you doing… nothing. Scrolling down your phone. Reading a book. Watching TV. Some of them look more professional - those are from the times you accepted to be his “model” so he could test his techniques, yet he never let you see any of those videos.

Just you.

You, you, you and you.

Were you wandering around

Looking for an erased dream too?

It’s different from what destiny suggests

We share the same painful views

Won't you please stay in my dreams

Yes, both of you had erased dreams. Your erased dream was Mike. His erased dream was Yeri.

Jungkook thought that you would never be more than friends. What he felt, though, was different from what he thought destiny suggested.

The way you drifted apart from each other. The pain you went through, watching your friendship slowly die. You shared the same painful views.

You don’t know at what moment you start to cry, but now, tears are freely dripping down your cheeks.

Even if the earth crumbles

No matter who shakes this world

Don't let go of my hand

Please don’t wake me up from this dream

You remember that time you were looking at the pictures Jungkook took at a wedding, and you noticed how the groom looked at his future wife with overflowing love. You wondered to yourself if someone has ever looked - or ever would - look at you the same way.

Well, sometimes… sometimes I caught him looking at you in some type of way.

It was the way Jungkook acted with you, the way he talked to you, the way he looked at you, that smile he just showed when you were around. 

You’re not seeing him in this video.

Yet, it shows how Jungkook sees you. And you can’t help but think… in his eyes, you look beautiful.

He sings beautifully. Passionately.

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria

Euphoria

Close the door now

When I’m with you I’m in utopia

As the song slowly ends, the screen shows a last shot from a very old video you didn’t even remember. It’s from your graduation day from high school… actually, a video your mother recorded. The difference is clear from how shaky the camera is. You can’t help but think you look too goofy in your old school uniform.

“Y/N, it’s your graduation day! Next year you’ll live by yourself in a big city!”

“Thanks God. Less bills to pay for,” you hear your father jokingly say somewhere out of sight. You roll your eyes, but still laugh.

“Thank you so much, Dad. I see how much you love me.”

“But I love you, sweetie!”

“Shut up, darling. I’m trying to do an interview.” Your mother shushes him. “So, how do you feel, Y/N?”

You look thoughtful for a moment. That stupid teenager on the screen looks so full of hopes and courage. So young, so naive. “I’m a little bit scared, but I’m excited.” You say. 

Then you smile, as if remembering something very important.

“Besides, Jungkook will live next to me, so I’ll be alright.”

The video ends.

You just sit there, sobbing uncontrollably for the next few minutes.

When you clicked that file, you never expected this.

You never expected to feel so loved with just a video.

At the same time, it makes an urge - the strongest urge you’ve ever felt in your life - flow through you. You need to tell Jungkook how wrong those lyrics are.

He doesn’t have to keep dreaming anymore. You’ve woken up from your own dream - and you’re ready to show him the real world in which you love him back, unconditionally.

Irene and Seulgi look worried as they see you marching out of your bedroom, sniffling, tears streaming down your cheeks. Before Irene can say anything, you put both hands on her shoulders and look at her seriously.

“Remember when you said you owed me one? That you’d help me with whatever I needed?”

Irene starts to look scared. “Yes.”

“Were you serious?”

“Of course!”

“Good. Then I need you to buy a flight ticket for me. Today.”

“Are you sure that’s the right hotel, Jimin?” you ask out of breath, your phone almost falling as you balance it between your ear and your shoulder, your hands busy holding your passport and flight ticket. You, Irene and Seulgi run inside the airport, looking like three crazy women in a dangerous mission - which isn’t too far from reality.

“I’m sure, Y/N!” Jimin says through the phone, starting to sound a little bit annoyed. “God, you asked me this a hundred times!”

“But I need to be sure! Can’t you ask him once again?”

“He will start to get suspicious. I already had to make up one hell of an excuse to make him tell me which room he’s in without sounding creepy.”

“Room 23, right?”

“Room 32!”

“So, is he sure that’s the right hotel?” Irene asks.

“Yes.”

She clicks something on her phone. “Good. It’s not too far from the airport. You’re lucky there was a room available!”

“Are you sure about this, Y/N?” Seulgi asks, looking borderline panicked. “You’re not going to die if you wait a few days until he comes back.”

“Yes, I am going to die if I wait any longer.”

“So dramatic.” Jimin says over the phone. You can even see him rolling his eyes.

“Shut up!”

“Why are you telling me to shut up?!” Seulgi asks, offended.

“No! I was talking to Jimin!” You finally hold the phone with your hand. “Okay, Jimin. I’m hanging up. Thank you so much for your help.”

“Don’t fucking die out there.” Jimin says, but you can hear the smile on his voice. “Good luck!”

You shove the phone inside your back pocket and turn around to look at them.

“Y/N, I don’t trust you alone in a foreign country.” Seulgi says. She does look panicked.

“I don’t trust myself either, but it’s alright.” You reassure her - but she only looks more nervous. You didn’t even bring a suitcase, choosing to just take a backpack with a few clothes and extremely necessary items. 

Irene takes something from her wallet and hands it to you. “Here’s my credit card. I will text you the password later.”

You widen your eyes. “Irene, that’s not necessary…”

She shrugs in a dismissing demeanour. “Of course it is. How will you survive out there without money?” This kinda reminds you that this is only one of her credit cards and that whatever money you spend won’t really mean much to her. Still, you take the card hesitantly, making a mental promise to not spend more than the utmost necessary. “Your room is booked. You can ask a taxi to take you directly to the hotel. There’s no way to get lost.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that…” Seulgi says under her breath.

“Seulgi, I will fucking beat you up.” 

“Sorry! I’m nervous!” She admits.

Your gaze softens. “I promise I won’t die, okay?”

She steps closer and hugs you tightly. “Be safe. Huh, you’re so stupid, but this is so romantic! It feels like I’m watching a Netflix romcom movie in real life!”

“Why do you always have to bring Netflix up?” Irene wonders under her breath. Seulgi sends her a menacing glare as she steps back again. “Anyways, if you need anything, please call us. Call us as soon as you get out of the plane. Keep us informed.”

“Okay.” You jump over to hug Irene; she gets visibly surprised, not really the type of person to appreciate a lot of physical contact. “Thank you so much, Irene! You’re saving my life!”

“The same way you saved mine.” She giggles. “Now go, unless you want to lose your flight!”

You wave them goodbye one last time before walking to the check-in area.

Yeah. You know that this is very, very stupid to do. You could wait three days. But when your impulsive, chaotic side takes control, you can’t really hold it back. That’s why you get inside the plane even though you’re really fucking scared of flights, going to a country you know absolutely nothing about. 

But it’s alright. You’ll be with Jungkook, so it’s alright. Even if he rejects you - it’s alright.

Your chaotic side says that you’ll annoy him until he at least listens to you - and this time, you don’t think your chaotic side is all that wrong.

You get lost.

Which is dumb, because there were lots of information boards around the airport. Maybe that’s why you got lost - too much information, your peanut-sized brain couldn’t process all of that. After walking around the gigantic place for a good thirty minutes, only stopping to buy something very important on a vending machine, you find the exit and the taxi area. The taxi driver sees how desperate you are and it looks like he pities you.

Irene was right; the hotel is only twenty minutes away from the airport. It’s not a super hotel, but it looks like it’s much more expensive than you’d be able to pay (you couldn’t even pay for the flight tickets anyway). 

You get more and more and more and more nervous at each passing minute. You feel like you’re about to fucking explode as the receptionist types something you can’t see. When he gives you the key card for your room, you feel goosebumps run down your spine.

It’s now.

Getting inside the elevator, you press the button to Jungkook’s floor. You don’t even want to drop your things in your own room before meeting him. You’re so nervous that, if you wait a little bit more, you’re sure that you’ll pass out.

Every step of yours on the corridor’s carpeted floor echoes in your ears. Your heart beats furiously. Your hands are trembling slightly and you feel cold in your stomach.

Room 23.

You stand in front of it, frozen.

Oh my God.

As expected, you don’t know what you’ll say when you see him. You tried to plan a speech the entire flight as a way to forget you were thousands of feet away from the ground and how fucking scared it made you, but you couldn’t think of anything.

You inhale and exhale deeply. It’s alright. It’s Jungkook who you’re talking about. You’ve always known how to act around him. Right now it’s no different.

Finally, you knock on the door.

“J-Jungkook?” You call, your voice failing slightly.

No response. 

Weird. Jimin made sure that Jungkook wouldn’t be working anymore at this hour.

“Jungkook, it’s me. Can we… can we talk, please?” You say a little bit louder, knocking on the door once more. You can't hear any noise coming from inside the room. Come on, Jungkook. You have to open the door before any security guard can drag me away from here. 

Your breathing is difficult. Your hands are trembling slightly. It feels that the floor is opening holes under your feet.

"Jungkook, I know you're mad at me. But please… please, let me at least explain myself." It's stupid how you already feel your eyes welling up with tears. Since when you became such a cry baby? Your chest tightens, hurts. "Y-You can't just leave me outside your room like this. Stop being a jerk. I need to tell you… I-I need to tell you that I lo-"

"Y/N?"

You freeze.

You turn around, looking at the exact opposite room in the hallway.

It's him.

Jungkook still holds the doorknob, indicating that he just opened it. He's barefoot, wears shorts and a long sleeved shirt, all black. His damp hair falling slightly over his eyes indicates that he probably just took a shower.

His eyes are so widened that it looks like they're about to pop out of his face.

He sincerely looks at you like you're the weirdest thing he has ever seen in his life. 

"W-What-" he stutters, looking like he can't form a coherent sentence. "What the fuck?!"

You're still frozen in place.

You turn around again, looking at the door you were knocking on.

Room 23.

You look back at Jungkook again - the sign on his door.

Room 32.

"Oh." Is all you can say.

Shame suddenly makes your shoulders weight. You really, really hope there's no one inside Room 23. 

You both stand there, staring at each other with widened eyes like two scared chipmunks. Your neck and face feels very, very hot.

Jungkook looks like he's recovering from the shock. He didn't hear anything you said, apparently. 

"W-What exactly are you doing here?" Jungkook asks, tilting his head to the side. He frowns, looking at you like you're an exotic species. 

"Oh." You repeat. Your brain is malfunctioning. You step closer, simply showing him the plastic bag you're holding. "I-I brought you this."

His eyes go from you to the plastic bag and to you again. 

"It's banana milk." You explain hurriedly. He widens his eyes slightly. "I mean- it's this country's equivalent of banana milk, I guess. It's the closest thing I could buy in the vending machine."

Jungkook raises his hand slowly and takes it. He's moving carefully, as if this exotic species can jump on him and bite him at any moment.

"Did you take a 5 hour flight just to buy me banana milk?" 

"Yes." You agree mindlessly. You feel your entire body burning now. "A-And I also came here to talk, because your dramatic ass didn't let me speak the other day."

Jungkook quirks one eyebrow and crosses his arms slowly. "Alright. I'm listening to you now."

He stares at you very seriously. 

His gaze is overwhelming. It almost feels that you're getting small under his eyes. Gosh - you've been wanting to see him for days, but right now, when he's right in front of you, you can't say a damn thing, your brain completely overheating, your braincells melting. You thought you'd know how to act when you met him - but ha, guess what? You don't.

And that motherfucker is just standing there, waiting for you to speak. Just staring at you.

You hold the doorknob in a swift moment and close the door on his face, just letting enough of it open so he can still hear you.

"What-?" He gasps from inside the room.

"Shut up, okay?! I just can't speak looking at you right now." You hold the doorknob so tightly that your knuckles get white. You hate the way your voice is trembling and you hate the way your sight can't really focus on anything around you - that's just how nervous you are.

Jungkook doesn't say anything. You feel him leaning on the other side of the door, waiting patiently.

You inhale and exhale heavily.

"You got so fucking angry at me when I said you were my best friend that night.” You start, not really knowing where you’re going with this. You don’t even know if it’s possible to convey everything you feel through words only. “But you know, it’s- it’s true. You are my best friend. But what you didn’t let me explain is that you’re not just my best friend.”

Your heartbeat thunders on your ears at each word. You can’t see Jungkook’s expression, and at the same time it helps you keep talking, it also makes you more anxious. 

“Y-You’ve been with me through everything. You were there with me when I broke my arm when we were kids, and you were there to help me when I thought I wouldn’t get into college, and you were there with me to celebrate when I got into college. It’s even embarrassing that you’ve seen all of my lowest moments.” You rest your head on the door, staring at the carpet under your feet. The first tears roll down your cheeks. “You know everything about me and sometimes I hate it. You’re like… fuck, I hate how cheesy this sounds, but you’re like a part of me. A-And you’re the best part, because- I don’t know how to explain, but you’re always the one making my average self want to be more.”

Normal you would never say something like this. You’re far from being an emotional person and you’re shit with words. But right now you’re crying and sniffling and trembling and you can’t shut your mouth anymore.

“Please, you have to believe me. I would never purposefully hurt you. Whenever I see you sad I die a little bit inside, and to know that I was the cause of your sadness is fucking killing me. It’s killing me.” You sob. “I don’t want to be the cause of your sadness ever again. I-I want to return all the good things you’ve done to me. So, please… I know I’m a pain in the ass to deal with, b-but if you’d let me be by your side… if you’d just bear me a little bit longer until I become someone that you’d want to be with-”

Jungkook opens the door. 

You hear him whispering under his breath wait, wait, wait, interrupting you. Gently, he puts his hands on your arms and pulls you inside the room, closing the door right after, so now your back is against the door - right in front of him.

He stares at you, lips parted, eyebrows slightly knitted together. He looks stunned. Very, very confused. And very hopeful.

His starry eyes are welling up with tears.

“What… what do you mean with all this?” Jungkook asks softly. He almost sounds scared. “What do you really mean?”

You stare at him in silence. His beautiful face. His beautiful self. 

You’ve never been so sure about anything in your life.

“I love you.” you confess, your voice cracking slightly. “I-I fucking love you. I’m sorry that I took so long to realize.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen.

The next thing you know is that his lips are against yours.

He drops the plastic bag full of banana milk on the floor, holding the back of your neck with one hand and pressing your body against his with the other. He tastes like toothpaste and tears; you can barely breathe, adrenaline rushing through your bloodstream, your fingers grabbing the strands of his damp hair.

When he finally lets go of your lips, you’re both out of breath and trembling.

Then, he smiles - and it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

He wipes the tears away from your cheeks as his own cheeks are wet with tears. His eyes are smiling too, and you think that you want to keep that smile forever.

“Y-You have… you have no idea of how long- how long I dreamed of hearing this,” Jungkook says quietly, his voice cracking a little bit. He giggles, frowning his eyebrows slightly as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing right in front of him. “I can’t believe you took a fucking plane to bring me banana milk! How can I stay mad at you when you do this type of thing?!”

You start giggling too. His warmth, his scent of baby powder, the way his eyes are shining as much as diamonds - this is something you didn’t know you needed, you didn’t know you’d ever have.

“God- I fucking love you, too.”

Your heart feels filled.

You smash your lips on his again.

It’s desperate and intense and makes your senses completely dizzy.

You feel the backpack dropping from your shoulders right before Jungkook lifts you up as if you weigh nothing and you circle your legs around his waist. Without breaking the kiss, he carries you to where the bed is, sitting down with you on his lap. 

Adrenaline and excitement washes over your body in anticipation. It’s even familiar at this point - his gaze clouded with want, your heavy breathings, hands grabbing and caressing everywhere they can find. Jungkook moans quietly against your lips as you grip his hair tightly, humping your clothed core very slowly against his growing erection.

“I missed you so fucking much,” he whispers in that deep voice that makes goosebumps run down your skin, his lips against your neck as he kisses and sucks it. You giggle.

“We fucked just a few days ago,” you point out.

“I miss this everyday. All the time.” 

You hold his face, forcing him to look at you.

You might be shit at words, you might not know how to express yourself that well. But one thing you know better than anyone else is how to make him feel good.

So, softly, you push him back until you’re hovering above him and he’s propped up by his elbows.

You don’t say anything. You just smile and start to take his shirt off.

He doesn’t complain.

Your hands roam his exposed skin as you kiss and suck his neck gently. While your lips are still glued on his neck, one of your hands travels to caress his clothed member. Quiet moans come from the back of his throat. Slowly, you kiss your way down his chest and stomach - until you’re kneeled in front of his opened legs.

Jungkook is breathing heavily in anticipation. Maybe it’s the sole sight of you biting your bottom lip as you manage to get his member free from his boxers and shorts that makes it throb. He has to gulp when he sees you spitting on his dick, the feeling of your spit trickling down his member making goosebumps roam his skin.

You hold his member and start to bump it slowly at first - which makes waves of pure pleasure wash over Jungkook, stunning his senses. He hisses when your lips envelop the head of his cock, sucking it. His eyes are half lidded, lips slightly parted, Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulps. He looks so beautiful as he’s being pleasured.

You start taking more of him inside your mouth until you feel him on your throat; Jungkook moans louder. You bob your head up and down his length, taking turns between sucking and bumping his member with your hand, your spit making it easier and producing obscene sounds. Jungkook hisses and groans and moans and then he’s grabbing your hair, making you take more of him inside your mouth. You don’t complain. You just want to make him feel the best he has ever felt.

This time, though, it’s being much quieter than what it usually is. Jungkook just swears a little under his breath. No dirty talking. 

His face and neck are covered with blush, a thin layer of sweat covering his forehead, his face distorted with pure pleasure. His moans are getting more constant and louder. You wouldn’t mind if he cummed in your mouth right now, but Jungkook hisses and takes his hand off your hair.

“Oh my God- stop. Stop. Come here, babe.”

You decide to just do as he said. As soon as you prop your knees on each side of him, Jungkook sits up again and starts to get rid of your clothing hurriedly - first your pants, then your coat and shirt. When he unclasps your bra, he immediately takes one of your breasts on his mouth, making you moan quietly. His hand pushes your panties to the side to meet your already wet core; you moan louder as he gently caresses it. You unconsciously start moving your hips against his hand, his movements adding more pressure over your clit, his lips still licking and sucking your breasts.

Jungkook decides this was enough to get you wetter. He pushes your panties to the side, holds both sides of your hips as you guide his member to your entrance.

Both of you moan as he enters.

You close your eyes tightly, the feeling of being stretched by him so familiar and so delicious. Steadying yourself on his shoulders, you start to guide yourself up and down on him, never breaking eye contact, watching him carefully. Every deep moan coming from him makes you shiver. The pleasure, the sound of skin hitting skin - how many times have you done it before? You don’t even remember. Yet, right now, it somehow feels fresh and new. 

Maybe it’s because there’s more in Jungkook’s eyes than just lust. Maybe it’s because you notice how he watches you with adoration. And maybe it’s because you watch him with the same intensity, the same feeling.

Jungkook grabs the skin of your hips tightly as you increase your pace. He loves your face contorted in pleasure, he loves the sight of your boobs jumping at each move, he loves to feel the soft skin of your ass on his hand. He loves it. Both of you are really sweating now. You kiss him deeply, never decreasing your pace, your tongues entangling around each other, grabbing the strands of his hair.

God, how much he loves it.

He loves it much more now, because he sees how this time, he’s not the only one feeling something beyond physical pleasure. He knows you too damn well. It’s just like that morning at your house. You’re feeling it, too. 

You love him, too.

Thinking about it makes him smile. You think it’s simultaneously the hottest and the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen.

Jungkook simply circles his arms around your waist and completely switches positions, throwing you on your back on the bed, which makes you giggle. He finally gets rid of your panties and hovers over you, thrusting inside of you once again.

His pace is fast and steady from the beginning. Your moans get higher and higher, louder and louder. You love how his face is so close to yours, how strongly he’s hitting you, how he tightly intertwines his fingers with yours (Jungkook really is the type to intertwine his hands when having sex!)

It’s ridiculous how you feel your eyes welling up with tears in a moment like this.

This moment… It’s not just bodies connecting - it’s souls. 

You used to think you and Jungkook didn’t match; you were opposites in many ways. Jungkook is an introvert, you are an extrovert. Jungkook prefers quiet places, you prefer parties. Jungkook works out, you’re too lazy to do so. Jungkook hates coffee. You can’t live without it.

But, it’s in this moment - when he’s inside of you, when all of your senses are stunned by pure pleasure, when everything you can smell is him and everything you can hear is the sounds of bodies against bodies and when everything you can see is his beautiful starry eyes looking right back at you - is when you realize how wrong you were all along.

You’re like two jigsaw puzzle pieces. They need to be different to match. They are different, but when you put them two together, they complete each other.

You’ve always matched.

Seulgi didn't expect to find Jungkook standing in the kitchen when she came home.

Of course - you told her that the flight back home was scheduled at night and you'd probably arrive in the morning. This shouldn't be surprising. Yet, Seulgi still widens her eyes when she sees Jeon Jungkook cooking breakfast, his hair a mess, his face slightly swollen - an indication that he just woke up - wearing shorts and a white t-shirt.

He turns around and smiles. "Oh! Y/N didn't tell me you were coming back so early." He sounds a little bit surprised.

Seulgi notices it immediately.

That smile on his face and those gleamy eyes are just shown by someone that had a long, steamy and tiring night of sex.

Sure, Seulgi knows that you and Jungkook made up - and that you've been fucking for months now - but damn, it's still shocking to see it with her own eyes, considering that you only looked like good friends.

"I didn't know I'd come back early, too." Seulgi says, sitting by the tiny kitchen counter. She was expecting to spend the weekend at Irene’s penthouse, but she had to work. This is one of the reasons why Seulgi loves Irene; Irene could just enjoy her fortune and do nothing, yet, she decides to actively work for the company. She’s admirable.

"Do you want breakfast?" He asks over his shoulder.

"Well… I already had breakfast, but this is smelling really good." She admits. Jungkook nods and proceeds to prepare one more portion. She just watches in silence as he works around the kitchen (and she's also surprised that he knows where everything is, every pot, every spoon, literally everything). He hums quietly, that tiny satisfied smile never leaving his lips. 

Seulgi thinks she has never seen him so happy.

It's kind of adorable.

"So, how was your job?" She asks.

"It was great!" Jungkook says excitedly. He chuckles. "I thought I was going to be the assistant of the assistant, but actually I was everyone's assistant. I didn't really do much, but it was great anyways. It's totally different to study about it and see how things work in real life."

Before Seulgi says anything, she sees you coming from your bedroom.

Your face is swollen and your eyes are barely opened; it seems you're not even seeing where you're going. Your hair is a complete mess. You wear one of Jungkook's shirts and Seulgi suspects you're not wearing anything under it.

She watches as you walk on a beeline straight to Jungkook and hug him from behind, burying your face on his back.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" At least that's what she thinks you said, because your voice sounds muffled.

"Because you looked so funny that I didn't want to wake you up." He says softly. Seulgi can hear his smile. "You were drooling and all. I even took some pictures."

"You didn't."

"I did." Jungkook giggles when you punch his back, but still keep your body glued on him. 

"Fuck you. What are you cooking anyways? It smells too fucking good." You mumble.

"It's my special recipe." Jungkook moves to take something on the cabinet. You go along. "I can't cook if you keep smashing me like this."

"I don't caaare."

"Since when do you like hugging so much?"

"You didn't know girlfriend Y/N. Girlfriend Y/N likes long hugs."

Jungkook chuckles again. "Nice to meet you, Girlfriend Y/N."

Seulgi just stares, jaw dropped. From all the things she thought she’d see in her life, this is the most unexpected.

This is so cheesy. So not you. Not even when you were dating Mike you were like this. 

And Jesus- she has never seen you look happy like this.

You turn your head to look at Seulgi, and she watches awkwardly as you let go of Jungkook and proceed to walk in her direction. You kind of look like a really happy zombie.

“Oh, good morning, Seul. Don’t be jealous. I love you toooo.”

And you throw your arms around her shoulders, hugging her so tightly that she almost falls from the stool.

The only person that doesn’t get shocked at your relationship is your mother.

You casually called her just to talk and gave the news. What she said?

“Well, finally.” 

Everyone else is utterly shocked.

When Hoseok saw you kissing each other goodbye the other day - it was just a peck - his eyes got so wide that it seemed they were about to pop out of his face. He stared at you and him, completely shocked, as Jimin just laughed. That was pretty much everyone’s reaction.

You and Jungkook were never the type to be too touchy. It’s still kind of awkward to hand hold in public or call each other things like babe or love. You physically cringe just thinking of calling him “babe”, honestly.

It’s weird, because you’re “officially” dating now, but your relationship isn’t all that different. All the overwhelming awkwardness between you is gone (thankfully), so now you do what you always did; you swear at each other, you have your violent ways of showing affection, he still ghosts you because he’s too busy playing whatever game. The only difference is that now you can fuck without feeling guilty (and oh boy, you’ve been fucking a lot these days) and there’s a lot of kissing. There wasn’t that much kissing back then.

You thought it was impossible, but sex is even better now. It’s more exciting and even funnier - especially because there’s no awkwardness weighting in the room after you both reach your climaxes. Instead, there’s giggles and hugs and soft kisses. You also sleep at each other’s places now, which is good.

To be honest, if you think really hard about it, you’ve been lowkey dating for years. It’s just that now, you fuck a lot. 

When you tell him this, Jungkook just chuckles. You don’t think he’s really listening to what you’re saying, though - nor you’re thinking straight anymore. You went out with your friends at a karaoke and, as expected, ended up drinking way too much; you and Seulgi had a singing competition in which none of you won (Irene just sat there looking absolutely embarrassed), Jimin sang a little bit but disappeared at some point (Jungkook said he noticed some hot guy in the side room), Hoseok got so emotional singing Haru Haru by BigBang that he started crying as Seokjin laughed so hard he almost choked, and Jungkook didn’t sing at all (because everybody knew he’s actually good at it and he would humiliate everyone else), until Jungkook silently asked if you wanted to leave (and you did) and you two left before anyone could notice (they were too drunk to notice anyway).

Since he’s drinking, you took a bus. The wrong bus. You’re at the other side of the city now, sitting on the bench of a park, watching the sun rise. It sounds romantic, but really, everything you see is heavy traffic and the grey pollution line in the horizon, almost blocking the sun.

Not that you care.

“We did everything backwards.” Jungkook says, his voice low and a little bit husky. His eyes look heavy because of the alcohol. You love how his hair is tied in a tiny ponytail. “People usually are friends first, then go out on dates, then they fuck.”

“We jumped straight to the fun part!” You say as if it’s obvious. He giggles again. 

Peaceful silence. Jungkook watches your intertwined hands sitting on his lap, a small smile on his face. You can see that, even though he’s right by your side, his mind must be far, far away. He’s clearly sleepy. It’s silly - you know this guy almost your entire life, you already have memorized each detail about him - but you can’t take your eyes off of him right now.

You inhale.

“You know.” You start absently. “I saw the video.”

Jungkook frowns and looks at you. “What video?”

You’re trying really hard to hold back a smile.

“I think it’s called euphoria final test I swear to God.”

His eyes widen.

“W-What? Who showed you?!” He groans. “Jimin. Oh my God- I’m gonna fucking kill him!”

You start laughing as you see blush creeping on his cheeks and ears. He hides his face behind his hands and moans painfully.

“Why are you so embarrassed?” You ask, endeared, trying to get his hands off from his face, but he won’t let you.

“You weren’t supposed to watch that! It’s- it wasn’t- ugh!”

“But the song is beautiful, Kook!” You try, still laughing.

“Yeah, the song is alright, but the video?”

“What’s wrong with the video?”

He finally side eyes you for a few seconds. The blush on his cheeks gets redder. He hides his face again, groaning.

“You weren’t supposed to find out about that. Shit, I can’t look at you anymore. I wanna fucking die.”

“Stop being so dramatic!” After a lot of effort, you finally manage to cup his face with your hands. Still, he avoids your gaze. “Hey, hey. Look at me!”

He does.

He looks sheepish and it’s adorable.

“I loved it. Every second of it. You’re so damn talented.”

“B-But I didn’t write the song alone… Namjoon takes most of the credits with the lyrics. I just helped a little bit. A-And you know, it was just for fun, it’s not an official demo or anything-”

He’s forced to shut up when you peck his lips.

“I love you.”

He knits his eyebrows a little bit.

“You like to say this a lot.” He notices quietly. “I didn’t know you were this type of person.”

“I’m not.” You agree. “But it’s because it’s you.”

You’ve been “officially” dating for, what, almost two weeks now? People usually don’t say “I love you” this early. But this isn’t the beginning for you two. It’s more like a progression. It feels natural, like it has always been with him.

It feels like home.

Jungkook avoids your gaze again. The blush hasn’t gone away. “I don’t know what to do when you say things like that- why are you crying?!”

It’s Jungkook’s time to laugh at you as you try to wipe the tears away. He pulls you to rest your head on his chest, hugging you tightly.

“I am supposed to be the emotional one here, not you.” He says, still laughing.

“Shut up. I’m drunk.” 

“Yeah, sure.” His laughter slowly dies until it’s just a quiet giggle. You feel his scent, hear the beating of his heart. Jungkook kisses the top of your head gently, caressing your back. “I’m gonna be so embarrassed when I remember I said this tomorrow,” he says softly against your hair. “But I think I’ve loved you ever since that first day of school when we bumped into each other on our way.”

You bury your face on his chest even more.

Everything around you is blurred and distant. It seems that nothing really matters besides right here, right now - as if you’ve never realized what you’ve been waiting for your whole life. This moment.

Him.

The puzzle is finally complete.