#she doesnt know when to quit ever >:)
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solargeist · 3 months ago
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oh no im stupid i just checked their heights again
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jacksprostate · 8 months ago
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Things I won't forgive the fight club movie for regarding the character of Marla Singer, entry C:
The manic pixie dreamgirlification of her own struggle with life and death. The narrator gets to have a serious issue driving his alienation but Marla gets her cancer removed so her pithy statement about the tragedy of death being that she doesn't fall over dead randomly is just a bit Offbeat And Interesting And Edgy haha! She's a real tourist, really, nothing ever stated to be wrong about her. Sure she overdoses. Sure you can see she's got a shit life. But she doesn't get backstory. She doesn't get a life beyond fun little statements that, when her own reason for saying and thinking them is removed, mostly just reflect the narrator. In the book, it is very, very clear. Marla does what she does because she has cancer and is afraid of The Slow Death. The Wasting. The Struggle. By taking that away you even reduce her suicide attempt. It puts it all in this context of nothingness. Sure, you can assume a depth, but I don't think we should be uncritical about the fact that they chose to remove it. Marla Singer is more than an object that bothers the narrator out of the support groups and gets fucked by Tyler Durden. Marla Singer is a person in her own right in the book, and in the movie she's just... not.
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whumble-beeee · 1 month ago
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Hermanitos
The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping | Cont'd from Part 16
Content: mentioned drugging, mentioned torture, mentioned murder, begging, guns, lady whump kinda?
* * * * * * * *
Excerpt from: The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping; a self-help guide for villains and bounty-hunters
[‘But what about the police?!’ you may ask in your extreme naïveté. Don’t you even worry your silly little head about those ineffective dweebs! The police may be a problem for small-time criminals and villains who fail to think past tomorrow, but luckily you have the advantage of this book on your side! Simply make sure to set aside part of your budget to pay off the police, and they’ll gladly unsee any shady dealings they may have previously seen. They’re very good at it.
What do you do if you don’t have such funds? Worry not! While this does often muddy the waters and it is advised to simply pay off prospective arrestors if possible, it is not the only way! Overall, it’s very simple and easy to have the police on your side, and an invaluable resource when you find yourself in a tough spot; You may kidnap a loved one or otherwise blackmail a person in a position of power, seduce them, or any of the other very effective tactics! (Refer to Chapter XX: Blackmailing and Manipulation for more information!)]
* * * * * * * *
For this chapter, dialogue translated from Spanish to English will be bracketed and italicized [like this] for ease of understanding.
Also, I made Officer Kalis Brooks and Officer Frida Galleta girlfriends now, instead of Kalis having a one-sided crush like I hinted in the previous chapter :D I might go back and change the previous chapter to reflect that. Eventually. Probably.
* * * * * * * *
“DECLAN CANSANO, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”
The bounty hunter groaned next to Kalis, cowboy hat flown off somewhere into the aether. “Aughhh, fuck me… Fri–Frida?... What're you–...?”
Shouting, spotlight, police sirens, sounds and colors and oppressive darkness all melding into one. 
Was Kalis dead? 
That car must have hit her. Yes. Because otherwise that meant that the bounty hunter had saved her WHILE trying to kill her.
And that didn't make any damn sense.
She couldn’t keep track of what was going on around her anymore, the world spinning much too fast for her to comprehend, blackness crushing her in on all sides, threatening to swallow her whole as it crashed over her in tumultuous waves. 
She laid her head down on the pavement with a small groan.
She'd just… sleep for a moment. 
Frida was here. 
Everything would be okay now…
Officer Galleta slid over the hood of the car with practiced ease, shouting and swearing like a sailor as she landed on top of the bounty hunter, literally straddling his legs while still pointing her gun at his head. He dazedly tried to shove back from her.
“I cannot believe you!” she bellowed. “Out of all the selfish, horrible, ungrateful things you've done, that has got to be one of the worst! Killing my girlfriend?! You absolutely dense motherfucker, you bitch, you–”
“Is… is that… Frida?...”
“Si Cabrón, obviously! Who else would it be?!”
“Frita-hermanitaaa~” he giggled in a daze. “Since when do you have a girlfriend?”
“Don’t you ‘Frita-hermanita’ me, you fuck! Take that stupid fucking bandana off, you look like you’re wearing a Halloween costume!” Her voice shook with barely kept-rage, teeth bared and eyes fiery red as she plopped down on the stomach of the bounty hunter and ripped the bandana off his face with venomous fervor. He let out an ‘oomph’ as her knee dug into the soft flesh of his stomach, along with a whiny ‘go away, leave me alone.’ Although the hunter didn’t seem particularly disturbed by it. More… pissy.
“Stop wavin’ that thing around, you’re gonna shoot someone,” the mercenary groaned. He made a half-assed attempt to grab at the gun just as the muzzle shoved into the vulnerable underside of his chin, another hand pinning him to the ground by the lapel of his shirt. He grew still.
“I should be so lucky,” Officer Galleta growled.
God, she’s so hot, Kalis oggled. Pretty pretty.
“I should shoot you right now for what you almost did,” she hissed.
“Oh calm down, you and I both know I wasn’t gonna actually kill her, ya baby. Your fuckass car definitely would have though. I saved her ass. You’re welcome.”
“Right! And now I get the honorable privilege of shoving my gun down your throat instead of watching you slit hers. So yes, thank you Declan, for your extreme altruism.”
“That’s how I roll. I’m sure your girlfriend is grateful too! You should take her out to a lovely candle-lit dinner while I finish my job and take a 20-hour nap. Now let me up.”
Officer Galleta let out a sharp laugh into the chilly night air, bouncing off the trees around them, crystal clear and all-encompassing. “You want me to just let you go? After all that?!”
He opened his mouth, only to stop short, eyes flashing briefly over to Officer Brooks’ half-conscious form. He propped himself up, wholly disregarding the gun shoving into his trachea as he leaned in closer to Frida’s rage-etched features, voice dropping to a gravelly fast mumble.
He whispered, “[Frida, what’re you even doing here? You know what will happen if my boss finds out we talked to each other.]”
“Oh that's rich–”
“[No, Frida!]” he urged. “[Look, I know you’re angry and I’m sorry I made you come all the way out here, but you know what Lana’ll do if she finds out! You’ve seen what will happen, you’ve felt–]” he reached up and gently grasped her shoulder, where Frida immediately slapped his hand away and gripped at the site defensively. “[–what will happen! And look I’m sorry for scaring you and your girlfriend, but whatever you decide to do tonight, I’m leaving with my hostage, because I’d rather not see anyone maimed again, or KILLED, by some cutesy pastel psychopath–]”
Frida shoved her gun further into his neck. “[Shut UP, Declan, I know! I’m gonna let you go, I was just… ]” She took a deep breath, barely restraining her anger. Then she didn’t. She slammed her fist down on his chest, hard. 
“[GOD, FUCK YOU and your terrible life choices!]” 
Declan barely flinched. His hand fell to the melted and twisting flesh that shined off his cheek, his jaw, his neck, his arm in the spotlighting headlights of the police cruiser. Eyes vacant. He sighed, letting himself look past the Frida and stare dead-eyed upward at the cloudless sky. 
The stars look so pretty tonight.
So far removed from the torment of humanity…
“... Can’t say I disagree.”
Frida’s gaze softened slightly. 
He shoulders untensed
She sighed. 
“[Deccy, we… you can’t keep doing this.]”
His gaze flicked downward. He sighed. “[Can you get off of me?]”
“[What would it take? How do I get that woman off your ass?”]
[“Frida, there is no ‘getting her off my ass.’ She knows everything about me, she knows all my secrets, she knows who you are, she knows who I am, what I am... She’ll tell everyone.”]
An unbearable pause.
[“Would that really be so bad?”] Frida finally pleaded. She had no other solution. Declan shot her a look.
Yeah…
“[I’d have to shoot her dead to get rid of her,”] Declan resigned. [“And her bitchy little boyfriend, and whatever fail-safes they have in place. You know that the police won’t help me–]”
“[But I can help you!]
“[–and YOU’RE certainly not allowed to help, because before you say anything, I’m not letting you risk your life for me like that. Period.”] 
Frida went to argue with him, but she just barely caught that stupid little sparkle returning to his stupid red eyes. God dammit. “[Your girlfriend, on the other hand… I mean if you were willing to hit her with your car, maybe she–]”
And Officer Galleta’s spirited anger returned tenfold, voice soaring high above the trees. “You really don't know when to quit, do you?!”
He laughed. “Nahhhh.”
“I’m just trying to help you!”
“Don’t need it, thanks. Let me up.”
“What if I shot you right here and now?”
“Fuckin’ do it! Finish the job your girlfriend couldn’t! Shoot me. Be her knight in shining armor, you won’t!”
Officer Brooks’ eyes shot open. What was all the shouting about?
“All this talk about saving our lives, and you don't even want to save yourself!!”
“Wait, wait, so… huh?” Kalis tried to interject. God, her body hurt so much. Were they… Were they whispering at each other just now?  “What is happening, I don’t– Why were you speaking Spanish?” Kalis groaned, forcing her head to leave behind the cotton balls and clouds. “What did you say?”
“Look, either shoot me or let me up, Frida,” the man deadpanned. “Kill me. I know you want to.”
Frida growled, every muscle in her body tensed, on fire, shaking as she shoved the muzzle of the gun even further into his chin, forcing his head back to grind further into the asphalt. She kept it there for a long while. 
So long. Too long. Holy shit was she actually gonna–
Officer Galleta suddenly yelled out, an enraged howl, and bounded off the bounty hunter, kicking a couple of rocks into the ditch sidelining the road. “Augh, this is just like you! Every single time I try to talk to you, you deflect and refuse to talk even though you’re– AUGH!! I just want to help you Declan! And you pull me into your illegal, unethical bullshit–...” She charged back over to him, holding out her hand for him to grab. “Get up. Now.”
He grabbed her hand back and popped right up to standing, dusting himself off as Officer Brooks stared at them, mouth literally agape. She hadn’t– She just– 
“You look like shit, by the way,” Officer Galleta commented. 
“I feel like shit," Declan chuckled. "Haven’t slept in like three days–” 
“And you’re fuckin’ high, too.” 
“Ehhhhhh, you caught me.” 
“Frida?... What’s going on?” Kalis tried to interject again. Her voice felt so small. She could barely hold back her tears, her chest felt like it was splitting open. 
Frida was a dirty cop…?
“Can you at least pretend to care about your own life as much as I do?” Officer Galleta snarked.
He scoffed. “Yeah, care so much that you’d pull a gun on me and threaten to kill me?”
Her mouth fell open, speechless for a moment. 
”I– I–... You–”
“Wouldn’t have actually died? Just like your girlfriend wouldn’t have?”
“No! I-I wasn’t actually gonna shoot you!”
“Right,” the mercenary deadpanned. “You were just gonna hit us both with your car so I couldn’t even save her.”
“Well it worked, didn’t it?!” Galleta cried. “You saved her from getting hit! And no one had to die at all! This isn't just about your life, asshole! It’s about mine, it’s about my girlfriend’s, our family’s, the people that you kidnap and torture!”
“Oh fuck off, Frida. Having to deal with you is worse than having to torture people, truly.”
“Stop doing it and you won't have to deal with either!”
“Or,” Declan spat. “YOU could leave me alone. Like I keep asking you to!”
Frida’s jaw might as well have been on the floor. “I'm not leaving you alone just because you can't get away from some psycho bitch you fell for ten years ago!”
The bounty hunter’s eyes went wide. “Oh! Sorry for thinking I could actually love someone countless years ago! So sorry for my naivete! Maybe you should inform your secret girlfriend of the Cansano family curse before she gets tortured and murdered too!” 
“Oh no, you’re the one who let her get into your pants BEFORE you knew she was fucking insane and then find out about your stupid little secret–” 
“No, I’m the one trying to make sure you don’t get turned into a lab rat or brutally tortured and murdered because you don’t understand how fucking insane she can be–” 
“–and saw an opportunity to exploit your ‘oh I can’t actually KILL people, I’ll murder them with my stupid little cowboy gun–” 
“– even though you were literally there when she threw acid on us and I protected you–” 
“–then make them feel better’ BULLSHIT WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT COULD BE USED FOR SO MUCH GOOD BUT INSTEAD–” 
“–because that’s what family DOES INSTEAD OF BECOMING A FUCKING TRAITOR–” 
“–YOU BENT TO HER WILL UNTIL I LITERALLY HAD TO CHANGE MY NAME–”
“–WHO SELLS OUT YOUR HER FAMILY JUST TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT–”
“SHUT UP!!” Kalis screeched out, hands pressing into her ears to block out the dizzying noise. Both their attentions turned to her at once, their childish shouting match thankfully screeched to a grinding halt. A dirty cop and a bounty hunter, staring at her. Enemies. Villains.
“Frida!” Kalis cried. “I-I– I don't– what's going on with you?”
Frida’s face melted into a mask of terror as she took in Kalis’s prone form, still sprawled out where the bounty hunter had dove them both out of the way of her oncoming car. “Kalis! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, are you okay?”
Kalis skittered away from the cop. “What is happening?! Why– Why are you talking to him like that?! Why were you yelling?”
“I–” Galleta’s breath petered out. “Kalis, I know this looks bad–”
“You’re a dirty cop!”
“I’m not a dirty–”
The bounty hunter scoffed under his breath: “You kind of are though–” 
“Shut up!” The two cops yelled at him in unison. He flipped up his hands in surrender and turned to walk away.
“Hey, no, get back here!” Kalis yelled.
The hunter stopped in his tracks and sighed. “Can we please get on with this, I have places to–”
“No! You’re going to prison!” She turned to Officer Galleta. “Look, Frida, I don’t know what’s going on with you and him, but– but– He kidnapped and tortured a boy, Frida! You can’t tell me you’re on his side! I don’t care if he’s like, I don’t know, a love affair, or he’s blackmailing you, or whatever you’ve got going on, but you can’t just sit idly by–”
A barking laugh echoed up and down the highway, a sound that rang off the asphalt and successfully started fringing on Kalis’ absolute last nerve. “Love affair!” the mercenary snorted. “Fuckin’ love affair, holy shit, a love affair! She thinks I’m your boyfriend, Frida! God, no, that would be the day! Shit man, fuck that, fuck that…”
Kalis narrowed her eyes on the cackling man. “I don’t see what’s so funny.”
He shook his head. “She’s not my girlfriend, chica. She’s my sister.”
Another pause.
Oh.
Oh. 
Wait, no. 
What?
“I–...” she looked over to Officer Galleta. Frida. Her love. “Huh?” 
Frida took that small step toward Kalis. “I can explain. But I’d never hurt you, and I’m not on his side. I’m on yours. I promise.”
“I don’t–” She wanted so desperately to believe her. So, so bad. “Are you a part of a crime family?...”
“No, I’m–”
“Technically you are–”
“Declan!” Frida snapped. “I swear to god, shut the fuck up.” 
He rolled his eyes and turned his attention elsewhere, while his sister purposefully looked toward her baffled partner. “Look, please understand, I’m not letting him go because he’s my brother, there’s so much–”
Kalis’ eyes widened. “Who said anything about letting him go?”
The color drained from Frida’s face. 
“I– I mean… I’m not–...”  She took a deep, shaking breath, then started talking at about a million miles a second. 
“Look, just listen for a second, you have to understand, lives are at stake here, my life, your life, Declan’s, so many others, I need you to understand I’m trying to make sure no one gets hurt–”
Officer Galleta’s voice faded into the back of Kalis’ mind, static filling her head like thousands of angry bees, only directed by the thunderous pounding of her own heart. It was a strange case indeed, the case of the Traitorous Girlfriend and the Bounty Hunter. The facts and the lies were strewn up across the wall as one, connected haphazardly with spools of knotted red string. Too much, too fast, Kalis couldn’t handle it all, help help–
Stick to the facts, detective:
Frida had a secret villain brother. She was in a crime family? She was a dirty cop. She was a liar. She was just trying to help. Apparently. But what are the promises of a liar if not absolutely meaningless, that of a scoundrel, a fiend? She also wanted to send that boy to his death. She wanted to let a man who captures and kills and tortures set free. She wanted to let him go. She was a liar. She didn’t care that he tried to kill Kalis. She betrayed Kalis. She lied. She just wanted to keep her loved ones safe. She’s a liar. A dirty cop. A liar. A criminal. A liar, she lied, what else had she lied about, was she capable of more, was she capable of killing? Would she just stand by and let her brother kill her girlfriend? Would she help, would she help him torture, HAS she helped him torture, she would kill, liar, killer, betrayal–
Frenzy, frenzy, what was up or down, was was going in with the world–
Human life at stake?
Stan.
Stan was at stake.
Save Stan. That’s all that mattered. Who cared about her stupid life anyway?
She grabbed Frida roughly, desperately grasping at her shirt and yanking her toward the car that held the prisoner. “Frida! Please! He's a kidnapper!”
If she could just show her. 
If Frida could just see.
“He kidnapped a boy, he kidnapped a super, he tortured him, you should see the things that he’s done to that boy! You can’t let him go, you haven’t seen what he's done, he’s a monster!”
“Not a boy,” the bounty hunter lulled, popping back up from where he’d apparently disappeared behind the cruiser that almost hit them. With that stupid fuck-ass cowboy hat on again.
“Excuse me?” she asked incredulously.
“He’s not a boy,” he repeated, meandering back to them. “He’s 22. He’s an adult.”
No no no no no no no, Kalis, stay focused, he’s trying to throw you off your game.
She grabbed her love’s sleeve, pleading. “His name’s Stan, Frida! Stan! I met him, I talked to him, he’s scared, he’s hurt, he’s drugged, he doesn’t even understand what’s going on right now. You brother, that man right there, he tortured him, Frida! He’s bruised and bloody and he has broken bones, he’s collared so he can’t use his powers and your brother dragged him around by that collar he’s a monster Frida, please, we can save him!”
The bounty hunter’s face shifted in her periphery. Angry. Tense.
Focus on your love. You can save the boy, you can save them both.
Frida tried to reason with her, voice slow and pleading: “...Kalis… I know. I know what he does. What he's done–”
No no NO NONONONO!!
“What happens when I see that boy on the news one day?!” Kalis pleaded, literally grabbing Fridas hands and sinking to her knees. “That he was found dead, when I see the report of every gruesome torture he was put through before he was found, and I see him there and knew that I could’ve done something about it, but I let him go? What do I do then, Frida?”
No response. Not some smartass retort from the bounty hunter, not some vile, pleading words to understand from Frida. 
Nothing.
“I promised hi-im,” Kalis wept. “I promised him I’d save him. Please Fri-ida. I-I can’t do this without you, I can't, I need you.”
Frida stared at the ground. She shivered.
“I can’t–” Frida took a large gasp in, voice shaking almost as much as her body. “I can’t– Let–... You. Die.”
The wrathful bounty hunter himself piped up: “I’ll do my best to make sure he’s treated well, yeah?... That’s the best I can do. That’s all I can do.”
His voice was so gentle.
The voice of someone who cared.
The voice of someone placating.
The voice of someone trying to get their way.
Her jaw clenched, so hard she thought her teeth would shatter.
“You… are both… under arrest,” she whispered. 
She reached for her holster. Empty. Shit shit shit shit shit– she jerkily fumbled around her pocket and crashed up to her feet in a frenzy, barely managing to get a proper hold on the mercenary’s confiscated gun before brandishing it directly at the bounty hunter and the dirty cop, the traitor.
The mercenary’s eyes widened. Then narrowed. “That’s my gun.”
“You’re under arrest, you’re both–!” she pointed the gun at Officer Galleta, who took a few shocked steps back. “ –under arrest! For attempted murder of an officer, for aiding and abetting, for corruption, for betrayal, for lying, for everything! Both of you! On the ground! NOW!!”
Silence.
A look passed between the siblings, from the bounty hunter to his partner in crime.
A certain gleam in their eyes,
“Drop your weapons, and get on the ground. Now!” 
“[Frida, that gun doesn’t have any bullets in it,]” the bounty hunter muttered under his breath. 
Officer Galleta’s eyes went wide. She looked to her brother. He nodded. 
She knew that sparkle in his eyes.
God. Fucking. Dammit.
“[I better see you again. Fuck you.]”
“[Love you too. Thank you.]”
“Shut up!” Officer Brooks shouted. “No talking, put your hands–”
Officer Brooks screeched in surprise, in fear, in heart-pounding, blood-racing fear as Officer Galleta broke into a sprint and lunged at her. 
And she accidentally pulled the trigger of the deadly gun grasped in her hands.
At the one she loved.
No.
NO. 
NONONONONONO–
She screamed.
Click.
And she slammed into the ground, all breath knocked out of her violently, her girlfriend scrambling on top of her to pin her down, Kalis scrambling and screeching under that to get up, grappling and shrieking until the muzzle of a standard-issue police gun dug into her chest.
She froze.
Done.
It was over so quickly.
From so close, Kalis could see the tears in Officer Galleta’s eyes.
Her voice cracked.
“Frida… Please… Don’t–”
The bounty hunter swooped by, crouching down just enough as he sprinted to grab his gun and kept running toward his truck. He didn’t look back.
“NO!!” Kalis screamed into the inky black nothingness of the night, into the ghostly white and shadowed and tear-stained face of the person she had trusted most in this world, loud enough that it woke Stan up from his drug-induced haze for the shortest of moments and made him look around in confusion at the sorrowful screams that surrounded him, make him struggle as the driver side door slammed open and shut and Declan scrambled with almost unbelievable abandon to get the engine to turn over.
And Stan cowered away from him, insurmountable fear worming through his mind: He’s going to hurt me again.
“Frida!” Kalis gasped. “Frida, Frida, please, we have to save him, we have to save that boy, we still have time we can still save him let me up let me go please please PLEASE DON’T DO THIS I PROMISED!! I PROMISED HIM FRIDA! I PROMISED I WOULD SAVE HIM I PROMISED PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME A LIAR–”
Officer Galleta didn't say anything. She couldn't. She was frozen to the spot, paralyzed. Except for the minute shudder of her chest, except for the tears that started to fall.
And they stayed like that until the truck of Declan Cansano rumbled to life and screeched off into the night.
* * * * * * * *
Next (when posted)
AND if you'd like to know what's happening in the sludge that is Stan's mind during this scene, check out this drabble!: This Edible Ain't Shiiiiiii~~ (*enters warp space*)
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itspileofgoodthings · 5 months ago
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tags continued from prev post.
#and all of this is true while it is ALSO true that her songs age incredibly well#even debut or random soundtrack songs or endgame#whatever song people try to put on the worst Taylor songs list NEVER QUITE BELONGS#it doesn’t feel right. and to some extent occasionally in mercurial flashes I feel the same about her BEST songwriting list#I can never rank anything of hers ever because she can write better than she has written#if anything finds her own songwriting dead it’s what her future self will be able to achieve#and I think sometimes even the public can SENSE this about her and it’s part of why people are sooooo hard on her in a brutal way#and in a way they never are with other artists. who have reached the limits of their potential#Taylor has not reached the limits —that’s the simple way of saying it#in some way she is still figuring out the artist she is going to be#and I really do think that it is going to be absolutely astonishing#because in some ways (this is going to sound crazy) she is still distracted by her success and her tour#she’s NOT but I mean. the canon hasn’t been fully set free#there are still somehow things holding her back#and we’ve watched her outstrip so much of those early confines that fame and the business of the music industry strapped around her#we’ve seen her say ‘that doesn’t apply to me’#but actually she’s going to and she needs to and I believe she WILL continue to move into rarefied air#my mom helped me give me the final piece of this feeling (and it’s just a deep gut intuition/brain chemical thing for me)#when she said one day almost in mild exasperation: maybe one day Taylor will grow into a Dolly Parton#and something CLICKED#in my brain. and I don’t agree with my mom in terms of her non-interest in Taylor (as much as it has pained me to do so)#I think she’s worth loving and paying attention to now#but that gap that exists between people who love her and people who don’t (full time haters internet trolls do not interact)#I think it’s going to close with time as her work stretches out and out and grows and changes#like I think by the end of her career we are going to have something so astonishing#and to loop it back for a second to a previous thought. I think that’s why sometimes a taylor song can sound disjointed to me. because it#will hit the Depths of the Depth for a second. it will transcend and then it will go back to merely being an excellent pop song#those flashes are everywhere in her work but I think she is going to work and hone them into being conductors of light in a more steady way#the older she gets. does this sound INSANE. idk sometimes I think it does and then sometimes I think it DOESNt. so who knows. but yeah#it’s hard to say because I know it will read as more critical of Taylor than I mean it to be. when really I mean it with so much awe
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months ago
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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arlathen · 1 month ago
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oh i made myself sad thinking abt amadea. like her best friends in the inquisition are.
solas (left). varric (barely remembers shes a person). cole (returned to the fade). dorian (left).
she gets to talk on the fantasy phone w dorian but legit the only person who might canonically spend any amount of time w her is blackwall.
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orcelito · 4 months ago
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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daughterofsarenrae · 8 months ago
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oh i would love to hear about syzygy and jj 👀👀👀👀 and in case you’re like me and want to talk about OCs but don’t know where to start, i’ll ask a more specific question: what are they to each other, how did they meet and what’s their relationship?
aaaaaaaaaaa ok!!!!
so syzygy's real name is elena, syzygy is her superhero name. she and jj are half siblings! elena is 17, jj is 27, and they hadn't met and barely knew about each other until their mom died. jj came to the funeral and instead of having to worry about the logistics of elena being a minor w/out a guardian, he stepped in to fill that spot for the year. elena is working on senior year of high school...part 2. she ended up having to repeat senior year bc she was the sole caretaker for her mom in her final year, which meant her grades fell completely by the wayside. she skipped a year of school when she was younger but then repeated the last one so she might as well have not skipped. oh well
jj is...trying his best! he's trying to be a good brother and he's doing pretty well at it, but it's hard to find work and elena is looking at colleges and money is hard and he doesnt necessarily have a stable career, he does a lot of odd jobs and free-lancing but. listen. villain henchman gigs pay pretty well... he'll just do a couple here and there. nothing serious. no one has to know
elena is really into physics and engineering and she's been interning at a research lab that's working on developing hardlight tech. [at an unspecified point with an unspecified driving motivation] she steals the tech and incorporates it into a suit, giving her the ability to form hardlight platform projections she can use to. well not fly. but run across in the sky, so it's kinda flying if you squint! and also she can form it into weapons (which she's not very good at) and use it as a shield. she's still ironing out the kinks on using more than one of those at once. eventually the head researcher at the lab makes the connection between elena and the newly debuted syzygy using their tech and confronts elena. they end up teaming up for a bit, the researcher helping to really refine things and train elena
but also uh-oh, the researcher is a minor villain working under a (so far undiscovered) mastermind villain and steals the suit just as elena realizes this. elena is left powerless to stop things just as she's realized the scope of the plot & also gotten used to being able to DO something. insert more contrivances i havent ironed out yet where the only way to stop the researcher involves melding with the hardlight tech itself as opposed to interfacing w/ it through a suit and she loses that defined line between elena and syzygy, which is not something she would have agreed to do if you had asked her before things got dire
and of course there's also a confrontation that happens somewhere in all that mess where some henchman have an injured syzygy backed into a corner but then syzygy looks up and there's jj, and he realizes it's her as they lock eyes, and he throws the fight so she can escape safely but it's quite a blow for syzygy who didn't need more trust issues
anyway that's the basic gist of those 2, there's also multiple more heroes in this verse (including twins sophie & hardy ware, aka software and hardware, who are very diy hacker (for soph) and gadgetry (for hardy). they are horrible teenagers with a main motivation of creating chaos and i love them) but also a lot of them belong to my roommate martin and idk all of their details. i need to sit down and actually Create Tangible Things to point to for this verse bc it's captivated me for like a year now but. as im sure u realized reading this word vomit, it's not at all fully developed yet. but i love them anyways
ALSO! syzygy playlist || jj playlist
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malkaviian · 2 years ago
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random oc facts, of the "they have problems" flavor
#oc talk#1- luca developed claustrophobia from the time he was locked in the school's bathroom by her bullies#2- chase got his depression from his mom; who also has it; except she goes to therapy and has meds so its now somewhat controlled#he was quite the spoiled kid by both his parents but his mom was the one who would always agree with him and give him everything#even if he was in the wrong and the worst piece of shit he could be. she felt guilty about him getting clinical depression for 'her fault'#so she wanted to 'compensate him' for 'ruining his life'. he was still pretty harsh with both of them so.#one day he told her to kill herself and go to hell over a minor thing; that same night he went to see finnley#so he never knew his mom actually tried to kill herself if thats what he wanted. his dad was kinda bitter for a few days#but eventually forgave him. and as i said none of them told him anything so he never knew.#3- maverick still gets nervous when he sees cops or hears police sirens - hes always on the edge#whether theyre going to actually arrest him some day. he doesnt know if zachary's body was ever found as he avoided tv for that reason#like he hid it in an abandoned house. it was a horrible hiding place but it was the closest he had and he was panicking with a dead body#so its not like he could do the smartest things in that state. also of course he left his dna everywhere- finding him would be really easy#but it never happened since zachary came back before anyone noticed his disappearance. and with a new appearance#its was like the old zachary people knew just stopped existing entirely. you cant do a murder case without a body#so it was just labeled as a sudden disappearance. however mav is paranoid over it when in his non-empty state#and when hes empty hes so focused in finding someone new to obsess over he stops caring- maybe he could even find someone on prison!#4- rafael doesnt talks to his family due to charlotte manipulating him into believing theyre all horrible people who hate her#and in fact they hate her! mostly his sister. they hate what she did to their son/brother but hes so blind and easy to manipulate#they stopped trying to knock some common sense into him. his sister was afraid this would happen eventually bc he was always gullible#SPECIALLY when hes in love. and well guess what happened!!#5- on the topic of charlotte; she has both tried to kill herself AND kill someone. well; her 'suicide attempt' was more likely#wanted to get hospitalized but not *actually* ending her life. in her mind that would make her parents notice how much they hurt her#with their 'favoritism' towards raven. girl they literally never had a favoritism YOU are the one who think so!!!#she never got what she wanted though-- she ended up vomiting the pills and suddenly got too embarrassed to talk about it#and guess who she wanted to kill? exactly; raven! they would sometimes see each other on family reunions and it was weird#she bought anti-freezer and brought it to a reunion-- she has been on a barista course so technically no one would think anything#if she made drinks for everyone. but raven was just so insistent on seeing the process-- due to actual curiosity-- that she couldnt do it#so she came home with an anti-freezer and incredible frustrated lmao. she was 17 though so its not like it was thoroughly planned#but you know. the intention was there.
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zemnarihah · 2 years ago
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started moving some of my shit over to my new apartment today adn well. its moving.
#i hate moving so bad. i hate the fact that this is like my 5th(???)time moving in the past#like 4 years?#also like. i doooo think this new place WILL be better but also i really liked my current place:( like i probably wouldve chosen to stay#here but my roommate rlly hated it.#this was the biggest room ive ever had it was sooo nice i love having space.#the new place will be nice bc its v close to my school and my friends and fam like ill be able to walk to school. where i live rn its like#a 20 min drive. and itll be nice to not have to deal w parking at my school bc those parking lots are literally hell on earth. and im gonna#be spending so little on gas#it just is like. well im literally done w in person class until fall semester. so all of that quite literally doesnt matter at the moment.#the only immediate change happening is that. its gonna be smaller#also its gonna be just me and my bestie. which will be good i mean our other roommate isnt that bad by any means but i think it will be#nice to have it just be the 2 of us#also im gonna sneak buttercup in bc its also more expensive and no way am i paying more for a smaller apartment and ALSO paying pet rent#pet rent is insane anyway but especially for buttercup like SHES A CAT.#but yeah they asked if we had pets and i was like no:) and the girl at the desk goes#okay just let us know if that changes bc if we catch you:) theres a fine:) and idk if she like noticed the cat hair im always covered in or#smth but i feel like she knew. but im not worried lol it was funny though#anyway. i will have to oceans 11 heist smuggle her in (take her on saturday when management isnt there)
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valfruits-archived · 2 years ago
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(in the context of the like constant comparisons about whether which one was worse or more justified btwn venat & emet) the only framing (of venat's actions as terrible) that i can get behind is that it was the final nail that resulted in this entire civilization/culture being gone/lost and how thats always a tragedy. but even then the text (prior to some things ew did that im ambivalent about) presents the situation like the ancients were already on this unstoppable path to tragedy (continuously sacrificing their own dwindling numbers in attempts to fix things) and venat & her group were basically responding to that by putting their feet down and saying "you cant do this anymore" and thats very different from the situation w emet & his fellow maladjusted pathetic evil sad men. like i think its disingenuous to compare venat/her group looking at their own civilisation & saying they would oppose it because it was going down a path they thought was unconscionable vs the ascians condemning multiple other worlds/cultures/etc to extinction bc they thought it was worth it if they got theirs (this is a comparison i see a lot and its frustrating bc theyre really not the same situation at all & yet...)
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qqqqqqqqqqq0 · 11 days ago
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#i have nothing to show you so i just chose the last pic in my camera roll to rant#my best friend and i both accidentally posted big ass essays on our favorite indie horror games at the same time#like quite literally at the same time in the middle of the night. almost in the same minute#both of us encouraged others to play our respective fav games because we're extremely enamoured with them so we made a deal#i will play her game if she plays mine. sounds fair and fun#my game is this very philosophical bizzare thing that forces you to think about life and death#despite the gloomy visuals and the tragedy tag its not creepy and/or disgusting at all. i would even say its cozy at times#perhaps this game even warms my heart a little. its called pathologic#her game on the other hand. i dont know what to say about it except that its triggering as fuck#after contacting with such things you want to go into boiling water just to get rid of the palpable dirt on your body do you get what i mean#but no matter how much you try to scrub this dirt off yourself it wont ever come off. because it had grown into your bones#no matter how clean your body and surroundings appear to your eyes the dirt will never really go away#but i guess the thing i talk about is not the game itself but the things i went through that it reminds me of#perhaps i just described the triggering process#i didnt even play the game i just read the summary and watched a little of a gameplay but it made me physically nauseous#when im forced to witness some form of abuse without being able to do anything all i feel is rage. not even a hint of sympathy or sadness#this is dumb. i dont get it. why would you willingly want to witness... this. is it some sort of a kink or something#its called mouthwashing if you're interested#i get the symbolysm and all that but dude. i guess this tells a lot about our society#i told her i hate her game and she told me she hates mine so i guess it makes the two of us#we're so different in almost every possible aspect possible but at the same time so painfully similar to each other#but not gonna lie if a person i just met told me this is their fav game i won't talk to them willingly ever again#this rant doesnt really have a purpose i think i just got really surprised this thing triggered me this much#so i got uncomfortable and decided to ground myself in this safespace
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brainrotzora · 2 months ago
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recent ffxiv livetweeting. spoilers through the end of arr patch quests btw.
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#ffxivposting#suicide mention#I GUESS. SORRY#made this account 90% so i could livepost this game better.#moving off my priv twitter to here bc literally only my irl has access and i know he doesnt gaf. i love u bro<3#and im actually going to die going thru this alone to be honest chat. help#just gave my wol a haircut btw :) working on a new fit also hehehe. she's my favorite.#she doesnt have a name because i put a stupid ass placeholder name because i started playing with my Real Life Family. but shes so cutiepie#keep taking screenshots whenever she looks cute in a cutscene which is often. lovely#btw. im aware t.hancred isnt a gayboy. he's a womanizer. which is kind of a gay thing to be. also stuff did happen to him in arr#and he gets pouty about it sometimes which is funny. rip to this guy. but youknow. lol#like if you think about it it's like man that really blows for you huh? but i cant get a good gauge on how much HE thinks about it. hes too#busy w/ his scorned lovers et cetera. as things go.#where im at now is uh. let me check the msq quest list. somewhere around lvl51 msq. chat i miss flying So Bad i am so slow.#by the way i do know the race names. for the record. that guy is a gay ass Elezen(tm).#also im not trying to bully u.rianger(?spelt like that right?) he's nice. his voice IS funny though.#i have not skipped any of this story. even the parts that sucked total ass and shit. my working knowledge is. Okay.#the patch quests were sooooo rough at the start but at least near the end they started ramping up and i got dragged in.#got to yell at npcs bc they were pissing me off so bad near the end there. quite a fun time.#also starting hw story stuff is really funny when youve been playing drg. like hey! i know you!#also ive been saying his name as 'estinen' the whole time wdym it's 'e.stinien'. i hope he never takes off that helmet btw#anyway. i cannot fucking draw my wol. at all. need to get better refpics later i guess.#speaking of. i am not googling any of these guys to draw them because i dont feel like getting spoiled.#yet another L im taking.my stupid baka life. as they say.#you cant hold anything im saying against me here it's almost midnight. fuck i have class tmrw. what ever#ANYWAY. all that to say. i need to talk to someone abt this shit to be honest.#shrug.
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evvlogetarian · 2 months ago
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t _ t Missing my grandma hours ...I think tonight's service hit a little too close to home, but also what is grief if not love everlasting?
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orcelito · 1 year ago
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Tfw u were discussing a quit-risk employee JUST yesterday. And then she no-call-no-shows 😐
#speculation nation#by 'quit-risk' i mean someone who just doesnt do her job right so we cant promote her#but thinks it's her God Given Right to be a supervisor & was threatening to quit if she got written up even one more time#(she only got written up like. twice. ive actually been incredibly lenient with her.)#like theres a process to the training. you have to learn to prep things in the back. u take a test & when u pass u get trained on drinks#and you CERTAINLY cant become a supervisor until after you know drinks#girl was given her test. given all the opportunities. didnt take them. and yet is still dissatisfied.#like girl idk what to tell u. no we r not unfairly singling u out u just have not been doing ur fuckin Job#anyways she's been on rocky ground for basically since she got here. maybe she just got sick of the place idk.#she called ME. BOSSY. FOR DOING MY JOB!!!!!!#im the most lenient goddamned assistant manager ever while still Technically doing my job#i let employees get away with so fucking much.#but im Bossy for telling her to do her job 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#technically theres a no phones allowed rule on shift. but i dont rly enforce it.#i just kinda nudge ppl along to do things if things need done. but for phone use here n there i just look the other way.#but apparently expecting some1 to do the work theyre being paid to do us tooooooo much#honestly it'll probably be a good thing if she leaves. just means im gonna have 2 pick up more hours probs#but she was only scheduled like 10 hours a week or so. im sure we'll manage.
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famouslysleepy · 5 months ago
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for a horrible terrifying moment i thought i forgot my purse somewhere at Not In The House after my asshole sister kicked me out her car and drop off near a gas station yesterday
i was about to fucking lose it swear to god
but thank fuckjng christ it was just in my car (my mom drove my car to pick me up)
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