#she doesn’t feel like she has to prove something (herself/her worth/her identity) anymore

[tragedykery]

babe wake up new oc lore just dropped (aka long ramble about hira under the cut)

the thing about hira is. she grew up in an orphanage in the western earth kingdom. she was left there as a baby with nothing but her name. she doesn’t know who her parents were, where she’s from, and when her efforts to figure this out prove fruitless, it hurts. she longs for family, for knowledge and identity and culture, only spurred on by the feeling of alienation from (and perhaps jealousy towards) her peers.

(and maybe she conflates those different types of longing, maybe she thinks if she discovers what nation her parents were from she’ll find a new family there.)

so when she finds out she can airbend, she’s overjoyed. she throws herself into learning everything she can about the bending and the culture. she makes plans to go to the temples when she gets off the ship. when she gets there, she’ll finally have a family. she’ll finally be at home.

and that is one of the reasons she struggles so much when she realises she actually likes it on the ship. she likes being with these people, these pirates who have actually begun to feel like some sort family to her. the ship feels like home. and that’s why, eventually, she stays.

(and also, she’s scared. she’s scared they won’t accept her at the temples, that she isn’t air nomad enough. that she doesn’t know enough. she’ll go, just later. not yet.)

she stays, and keeps learning. she learns to meditate, to write air nomad script and speak air nomad languages, to cook air nomad recipes, all under the tutelage of sita (though for the last one, chusak helps too). she’s almost a bending prodigy.

and then she discovers she’s the avatar. and she refuses to believe it.

because being the avatar would mean being not really an air nomad. it would mean a duty to the world, and with that, an inability to fully comply with air nomad philosophy. the avatar can’t stay detached from worldly matters or choose not to harm.

so she denies it.

eventually, with the help of her friends (her family) she learns to separate the concepts of family and culture and identity and bending. she learns her worth doesn’t depend on those things, that she can be multiple things at once, that she doesn’t have to choose. she can do her duty as the avatar and still be an air nomad.

can bend any of the elements and speak both the languages of the eastern air temple and a small village in the west of the earth kingdom and prefer her tea the way it’s served in tea houses decked out in green but prefer her bread the way it’s eaten by nuns and have it be okay. she doesn’t have to choose or change or be perfect to be loved. her family is a motley pirate crew made up of people who find their origins in all four corners of the globe, and they celebrate all their wonderful differences.

so indeed, I think more than anything, wind in the sails is a story about identity & culture & personal growth.

[theonlypterydactyl]

Adora, not your typical Chosen One

!!SPOILERS!!

Adora is piled with expectations. She's the Failsafe, Shadow Weaver's Prodigy, She-Ra, and Force Captain. All of these duties she has had to put over herself since she was a child. She is denied her agency.

Shadow Weaver only took her in because Adora had this power that she could harness and use for herself. Before she could even think for herself or even speak her future was decided for her. She may have been Shadow Weaver's favorite, but that doesn't mean Adora has privilege. She was given conditional love and was taught to be ashamed of Catra.

Catra was Adora's first expression of her personhood. She chose to be friends with Catra. Catra is the only flaw in her perfect pet project. So, Shadow Weaver tortures Catra in front of Adora just so she knows that Shadow Weaver doesn't approve of the person she cares about. Adora was taught to be responsible for the actions of others. Attachments are a detriment to her responsibilities.

Adora was raised on conditional love, denial of agency, and favor handed out like breadcrumbs. She finds this sword that turns her into an 8-foot tall warrior and suddenly everyone loves her. Adora cannot let these people down, so she does anything she can to help them, even if it costs Adora her life.

She-Ra is not the same person as Adora. She-Ra is invincible and strong and loved. Adora is an ex-horde solider who's broken. In the second episode she presents herself as She-Ra, not as Adora. Queen Angel accepts She-Ra into Brightmoon, not Adora. What's Adora to think besides that this is conditional acceptance. If she wasn't She-Ra she wouldn't be allowed in Brightmoon and no one cares about Adora, they just care about She-Ra, the mighty warrior who will save them.

What Adora can do will always take precedence over Adora herself, and she's been taught that since she was a girl. Adora isn't important. Love, care, and acknowledging herself isn't useful because it is hard to control.

Adora realizes that her attachments make her who she is and that she's fighting for them, but she doesn't need help giving love to others. She needs help giving love to herself and accepting the love of others. She can't seem to see that Adora and She-Ra are the same person, in her mind She-Ra is something she wields and something she wields can be taken away.

Adora has a crisis of identity. She was told to not be like Mara, she was the She-Ra who went nuts. Now she has to live up to her legacy. Adora was the successor of a She-Ra so burdened by a warped narrative it preceded her. Adora witnesses how cruel this type of rewriting can be, because it’s happening to her while she’s alive.

In Hero, Glimmer blatantly tells her that she failed and hasn’t done enough. This destroys Adora. Friendship with Glimmer is off the table to Adora, Glimmer doesn’t want to be friends with her because she failed and she’s not useful anymore. Adora doesn’t feel like she deserved love and she’s so disconnected from herself. There is a difference between a friendship that is fixable and one that isn't. Her relationship with Glimmer is unfixable and she's lost yet another person.

But, she has to connect to the world and to herself in order to connect to her powers. She has to admit that she’s human and deserves love. If she realizes that she is worth being loved, then she’ll learn that she never had to prove herself to earn it and it is accepting her innate value as a human.

Adora is sacrificing herself all the time because they want what Adora can do rather than Adora herself, or that's what she thinks. She can't help but wonder if they would've been her friends if she wasn't She-Ra.

Beast Island is the first episode where we see Adora's eyes glow before the sword. The sword hadn't been working all episode and when it does the light comes from her eyes rather than the sword. Adora powers the sword. But, it's easier to be calm and confident if there's something to rely rather than rely on yourself, because she's insecure about herself worth. If she can't become She-Ra, Adora is no one.

Adora chooses to smash the sword. She chooses to not be given a destiny. She wants to choose who she will be. Without choice you aren't a person, you are stripped of your identity. Adora has to live with the question, Who is Adora without the sword? She has to live with the consequences of losing She-Ra.

But, she's at war with herself. She choose to break the sword but how can she reconcile destroying what gave her purpose and worth. So, she starts neglecting her health and sleep. If She-Ra is gone that means Adora has to work harder to make up for her actions. She continues to struggle to intergrate She-Ra (duties, usefulness), her aspirations, and her self worth.

“I AM She-Ra.” “Okay She-Ra, I know YOU’RE in there.” “I don’t know I just lost HER.” “I hear Horde Prime’s looking for ME. Figured it was time we met.”

Adora either wields the power or she is the power. Something she wields can easily be taken away, but something she is cannot be stripped away that easily.

Catra is in the hands of Horde Prime. Prime's light strips everything of choice and identity. Adora allows herself to make a personal resume mission to act on something that matters to her, Catra. She chooses to save Catra without She-Ra and she accepts her identity and choice. During "Save the Cat" she allows herself to feel grief, not only for Catra but who she was with Catra, the Adora Catra knew. The first expression of her personhood. This is the first time we see Adora's self-actualized She-Ra form, fitted with Glimmer's boots, Bow's heart, and Catra's headpiece.

Even with her new She-Ra form, Adora can't decide if she is She-Ra or if she wields She-Ra. When she meets Melog, she says "You're magic aren't you? Me too." In She-Ra magic typically represents the authentic self and self-actualization.

Shadow Weaver is the one who convinces Adora to take the Failsafe. Adora is She-Ra, she'll hopefully, ideally survive. No one else stopped her. She was dead set on saving Etheria and she's broken enough to want to sacrifice herself. Adora is determined to ignore her humanity, but Catra's last appeal to her hits her.

"What do you want, Adora?"

The others might have given her unconditional love, but Catra's works. Catra is the only person who knew her before she was She-Ra. She was the first expression of Adora's personhood. Adora wanted Catra.

In Adora's future wish, she's surrounded by the people she loves and her responsibilities and humanity are balanced. Adora found peace.

When she believes she least deserves it, she's failed and she can do no good no more, Catra yells and she listens. Catra tells Adora that she is loved, but she always has been. So, she chooses to save herself and she chooses Catra.

Adora’s story is one of self-sabotage. She constantly betrays herself for the expectations of others. There will always be people telling us what to do or who to be, but we can’t let them tell us what to do. Adora doesn’t understand that her identity is hers to make and that she is allowed to have a say in what happens to her. But, the cycles and patterns that come with a child whose mind is in trauma mode are hard to break. She has to learn that she has agency, something that she’s been denied since she was a baby. Just because you have this power within you doesn’t give people the right to use you to their advantage. Adora has to learn that the opinions of others don’t have to control her, that you can’t define yourself by what someone else is saying. Only you can define who you are and what you want to do.

(my own interpretations backed up five by five takes)

[whisperingwisterias]

Neon Genesis Evangelion Part 2 and Embracing Queer Masculinity

Where the beginning of Evangelion sets up Shinji as a character who goes against the concept of the traditional hegemonic man, the rest of Evangelion shows Shinji struggling with his own identity as he tries to become someone who he doesn’t hate anymore.

At first we see him use Asuka as a model for who he wants to become. Asuka is a direct contrast to Shinji’s character; where he shies away from violence, Asuka is not afraid to use it and is even proud of her ability to do so. When one of Shinji’s classmates starts hitting on her, she has no hesitation in smacking him to teach him a lesson. She also does not wait for Katsuragi’s permission to start fighting the angel like Shinji wanted to do, but instead gleefully seizes the opportunity to fight and prove her capabilities. Asuka herself also notices the difference between who she is and who Shinji is and often mocks him for it. When she first meets him she says later that she expected him to be so much more but instead she’s disillusioned and thinks he’s a letdown. She also scolds him for being a wimp for being afraid in battle, and as she gets to know him better, starts telling him off for always apologizing and taking on the blame too. With help from Asuka’s constant mocking of his character and the confidence boost from doing well in a battle simulation, Shinij tries to go against his natural disposition and “man up” in a sense, becoming the strong, confident, leadership-taking hegemonic man. He proclaims that fighting is a man’s job and that he can lead the other EVA pilots without problem, but when he takes his confidence too far and becomes trapped within the angel, he comes to the realization that that kind of person is not who he is at all and that trying to be so is an impossible task and only makes him hate himself more. In the end his inner self tells him that he needs to embrace who he is rather than run away from it.

We see him begin to take the first steps in accepting himself with Kaworu. Kaworu right off the bat is someone who seems very similar to Shinij himself: he is soft-spoken, effeminate looking, and gentle. He constantly assures Shinij, validating his wants and feelings that the others might have called cowardly or foolish, and tells him that having a gentle personality and a delicate heart is not a bad thing, but a strength in its own way. He understands and sees Shinji in ways that no one else has before, which is part of why it hits Shinji so deeply when Kaworu told him that he liked him, something no one else had said before. Even after Kaworu betrayed him and had to be killed by Shinji, Shinji proves both how deep his own self-hatred goes and how much he admired Kaworu as someone who has grown confidence in not being a hegemonic man by insisting on how much better of a person Kaworu was than him and repeating softly that Kaworu was the one that should have survived, not him.

Up till the very last episode Shinji still feels a disconnect between who he is and who he thinks he needs to be to be wanted or of value to anyone. Within his consciousness he states that he feels like everyone would be fine if he disappeared and that at his core he is an unwanted child. He insists that he has nothing to be proud of and even wonders if he even has a real self. His only worth, he feels, is being an EVA pilot, something that he hates being. These deep-rooted insecurities seem to be confirmed by his friends, who shout at him that he’s self-centered and a coward and runs away from people and refuses to believe that they want him. When they say that they hate him and can’t stand him, he agrees with them, saying that of course they’d hate him when he already hates himself. He says that he wants to give everything he has into being an EVA pilot because that’s the only thing people see any worth in him for, and when warned that he will lose himself by doing it, he says that there’s nothing of himself that he wants to keep to begin with. However, the only way that Shinji is able to leave this space of insecurity and self-hatred and loneliness and depression is to finally accept himself for who he is and realize that it’s okay to not want to change who he is, that it’s okay to want to be himself and be confident in being himself, even if it differs from the norm.

I think what Evangelion tries to teach us is that our identity isn’t something that can be defined by society’s guidelines. When Shinji tried to act like how society said a man should act, he was miserable and only got himself into more trouble. When he still felt like he wasn’t measuring up to who he thought he should be, his self-hatred crippled him and made him think that he was worthless. It was only when he became comfortable with his differences that he was finally able to break free from his doubts and join his friends on equal footing. Likewise our identity should not be based on society-determined standards but instead should come from who we truly want to be and feel comfortable being.

[dalgursbate]

Dame Aylin's Home for Wayward Girls (6/?)

Summary: Isobel swears she didn’t mean to start a commune. She’s not so sure about Aylin, though. Or, how a celestial and her reanimated girlfriend help the heroes of Baldur’s Gate process their trauma.

Rating: E WC: 20,515 Pairing: F/F/F, Isobel/Aylin/Shadowheart

part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4 || part 5

Shadowheart knows a thing or two about complicated pasts. She also knows a thing or two about complicated presents.

Behind her stretches a yawning void, an expanse of blackness interrupted only by the teachings she has now forsaken. They slide around in her mind still, slimy and unwelcome like the illithid tadpole that foretells her complicated future. When she reaches into that abyss to grasp at what lies hidden within it she comes up empty-handed. Or worse, her fingers brush against something sharp and brutal but undefined, leaving her with no concept of its shape except the knowledge that it is painful.

Her past didn’t always feel complicated. Before recently, it was blissfully simple. She was given a directive and she sought to fulfill it. Then, there was a firm hand tugging at her leash. To reward her when she proved her worth and to punish her when she did not. There was never a need to question what to do, what to think. Someone had already made those decisions for her. 

But there is no leash to tug anymore. When she began to serve Selûne, a part of her expected that it would merely change hands, that she might serve a different mission but there would still be a lead compelling her to follow. Instead, she feels aimless, set free for the first time to do what she pleases. Not abandoned, mind; Isobel had mentioned once that the Moonmaiden’s love was a constant companion, and Shadowheart believed her but had not been able to anticipate how that would actually feel. 

If she is being perfectly honest, it is strange. There is warmth humming under her skin where she is used to absence, and it is almost overwhelming. Overwhelming in a good way, she thinks, but overwhelming nonetheless. And now there is also an absence where she is used to guidance, and the way she feels about that is, well, complicated.

Because somehow, she has come to bear the responsibility of leading a party of desperate, doomed adventurers to what will almost certainly be a gruesome and bloody death. And the deaths of everyone, everyone, her cruel mind reminds her in a familiar, mocking sing-song, and it will all be your fault when you fail.

She did not mind taking charge of their group when she felt like she knew her purpose. But these days she almost suspects she is under some sort of Fear spell, paralyzed as she is by doubt and anxiety. It is hard enough to have to make these decisions for herself, let alone for the whole party and the rest of the Sword Coast besides. Holding the reins scares her because she doesn't know what sort of leader she is on her own. She doesn’t even really know what sort of woman she is. After she turned her back on Shar, Shadowheart had told Karlach that she did not understand herself anymore. She was wrong then; she hadn’t known who she truly was as a Sharran, either. All she knew was what they had made. 

Now, she is struggling to forge an identity, to find out what it means to be Shadowheart. She thinks she owes herself that before the ceremorphosis wipes who she could have been from existence entirely. Before she becomes nothing more than a girl who never really was. More than anything, Shadowheart is desperate to no longer be a stranger to herself; she is tired of inhabiting a body she feels so disconnected from. For once, she wants to see her reflection and feel like it belongs to her.

She is getting there, she thinks. Because in throwing that spear into the abyss of the Shadowfell, she learned the first true, untainted thing about herself she had ever known: that she would rather be a failure than a monster.

It isn’t much, but it is something. Something that, in the immediate aftermath, made her feel cowardly. It made her hate herself in a way she didn’t know was possible. But she saw the way Gale, Wyll, and Karlach looked at her as Aylin’s wings unfurled – their expressions of relief and gratitude. Their expressions of pride. People she respected and cared for, all telling her she made the right choice, the hard choice, the choice that needed to be made. Her self-hatred began to dissipate, though the terror and uncertainty only grew as she was abandoned by Shar. It felt like waking up underwater, the dark and fathomless sea stretching endlessly to every side of her.

But thankfully, though her leash may be gone, there are still hands to guide her. Softer hands, kinder hands, the sort of hands that caress instead of crush. Hands that point out the path instead of pushing her down it. Hands that are currently holding her as she feigns sleep in a brothel, lying in the space between their century-long love story.

Shadowheart keeps her eyes closed and listens for a moment to their sounds of sleep. Isobel makes hardly any noise besides the gentle, steady rhythm of her breath, while Aylin snores lightly and occasionally mumbles nonsense words. 

And lo, she thinks, yet another thing that’s complicated.

Witnessing their reunion in Moonrise Towers, Shadowheart had not known what to make of them. But Aylin seemed to know what to make of her when they met in the Shadowfell, piercing her armor with her words more fiercely than any spell or arrow.

“Much has been promised to you, hasn’t it? But what has been taken from you? What do you know of your own heart – your own life?”

Shadowheart was shaken, then, by how easily the aasimar dismantled the surety of her convictions. With just a few words, Aylin forced her to think of herself as someone with an identity of her own for the first time. She made Shadowheart question what such a thing would mean and offered no indication as to the answer. 

Shadowheart resented her for that, at first. Aylin may have been shoving Shadowheart into the light, but the shock of it after spending so many years swallowed in blackness hurt. She could see herself no more clearly than she could before, blinded and bewildered by the knowledge Aylin thrust upon her. 

Then Aylin told her about her parents, and it was like her eyes began to adjust. It wasn't just the knowledge that her parents lived; it was that Aylin gave her back something Shar had stolen from her. A piece of Shadowheart’s past became hers again, because of Aylin. It still feels too big to think about, like her mind can't fully carry the weight of it. But in that moment, she immediately understood how much recovering what she lost matters to her. Not just her memories, but the person she used to be. The person she would have become.

And as she opened her mind to allow Isobel in, she also realized how afraid she is to be alone.

Learning herself has come more easily since then. She always knew that she had a ruthless wit (and something in her mind recites an old creed: Your mind and tongue must be as sharp as your sword. To be a disciple of Lady Shar is to make yourself entirely into Her weapon). Lately, she has realized with surprised delight that she can be playful and sarcastic as well. She has also learned – or was told, rather, by Gale and Karlach – that she is quite stubborn.

And as she has gotten closer with Aylin and Isobel, she has been discovering who she is and what she wants at a pace that almost leaves her breathless.

She thinks first of Isobel, carefully explaining her faith to Selûne as they sat together in her and Aylin's tent. The way she talked about forgiveness then had made something heavy knot in Shadowheart’s gut, the idea of being allowed to doubt, to question, to falter filling her with an unbecoming desperation. When Isobel told her that she was already absolved, Shadowheart realized that she was not merely talking about Selûne; Isobel was speaking for herself, too. Shadowheart hadn't realized how badly she needed to hear that.

Then, Shadowheart thinks of all the conversations she has shared with Aylin around the campfire. Sometimes they talk about faith and redemption and sometimes they talk about nothing at all. But Aylin never talks down to her, never treats her as though she cannot be trusted to make up her own mind. And every time they talk, Shadowheart feels herself getting closer to understanding.

“I have no doubt that you will choose to bask in Her candescence,” Aylin had said once. “For too long have you been skulking in the shadows like a wretch when your courage and mettle betray you as one of the righteous.” At the time, Shadowheart had not been entirely certain she agreed with Aylin’s assessment of her (truthfully, she still isn’t), but she found she liked that vision of herself – someone brave, strong, good. It gave her something to work toward. It also gave her more questions to answer: What did it mean to be good? How could she know what was right?

She expressed those thoughts to Aylin, and Aylin responded, “That is for you and for you alone to decide. Whether or not you elect to stand in the effulgence of Selûne, you are free now to determine what it means to you to live well, and what it means to you to live at all.” 

The way Aylin sees it, the uncertainty of existence is beautiful. The uncertainty of existence means that no god, no tyrant, no bard can author her story for her. Through her, Shadowheart has come to understand that the other side of uncertainty is freedom. Now, she feels less like taking the helm of her own life is a burden that she did not ask for. She has not yet come to think of it as a blessing, but it is not as fraught a prospect as it once was. If identity is not a prophecy, but an act of discovery, then there is no way for Shadowheart to fail at it. The thought of that is comforting.

Together, Aylin and Isobel have given Shadowheart a gift that she can never truly repay.

Though, if she is being very honest, she has had more than a few thoughts about how she’d like to try.

She isn’t sure when it started, the desire she feels. She thinks it might have been there from the moment she watched them reunite. She swallows thinking about it now, about the way they kissed like they were starving, or like the only thing in the world that could save them was the touch of each others’ tongues. To be wanted like that, to want like that. To be allowed those things – rather, Shadowheart corrects herself mentally, to allow herself those things. The mere thought of it is intoxicating.

She realized her attraction to Aylin first, though she initially assumed it went no deeper than mere lust. Of course, Aylin is gorgeous. Strong, powerful. Hells, she's a literal demigod. And so voraciously horny, at that. Shadowheart is a perfectly healthy young half-elf; it is no surprise that she has had the occasional lecherous thought.

It was her attraction to Isobel that made her realize she craves something deeper.

When they sat mending clothing together, Shadowheart discovered that the taunting voice inside her head – the one that sounds so remarkably like Shar – is quiet in the other cleric’s presence. At the time, Shadowheart had assumed that the same protective aura Isobel projected around Last Light Inn still emanated off of her to some extent, silencing the influence of her former Lady. Now, she wonders whether the voice is Shar at all, and whether being near Isobel simply quiets the cruelty of her own mind. Regardless of the cause, it has driven Shadowheart to long for her nearness. Ever since she defected from her faith, Shadowheart’s head has been so full of contradicting thoughts and impulses, so unrelentingly chaotic, that the only reprieve from it has been to busy herself with constant distraction. But in Isobel’s company, silence does not feel quite so loud.

And Gods help her, but that night she kept noticing Isobel’s hands – there was something so deft and intentional about how she darned Aylin’s shirts, something tender in the act and something enticing in the quick and clever movements of her fingers. Later, after she returned to her own tent, Shadowheart brought herself to completion imagining that the fingers touching her were Isobel’s, picturing Aylin’s breath tickling her neck as she whispered filthily into Shadowheart’s ear. 

Shame, hot and vicious, had licked up her insides at her own depravity. It didn’t help that she could hear the couple a few tents over, that the whole camp could hear. The revelation that she craves to have some place in their relationship made her feel disgusting, then, like a perverted voyeur into a love she does not deserve.

She still feels like that, even (especially) as her relationship with them has grown more intimate. But the way they’ve held her, the way they have cared for her — Shadowheart thinks maybe they would let her in, if she asked. Maybe they already have.

She struggles to find any other explanation for their invitation to stay with them last night, but her cautious mind is still too wary to allow her to get her hopes up. Even as she lies between them, even as their arms are wrapped around her, Shadowheart feels like she is one wrong step from losing this. It feels too fragile, too perfect, to last.

Shadowheart senses it as Isobel awakens, and she forces herself to stay still and continue pretending to sleep. She wants this moment for as long as she can have it. She isn’t ready for this interlude from the three-act tragedy that is her life to end.

But then she hears Aylin and Isobel kissing, just above her head while they are pressed to either side of her, all three of them entwined like a complicated knot. The thought of it sends a bolt of lightning through her, from the crown of her head to where her toes are pressed against Isobel's skin. It feels like someone Banished her rational mind and replaced it with nothing but pure, animal want.

Soon, she is kissing Aylin because she cannot help herself, and for a nonsensical moment she wants nothing more than to have two mouths so she can taste them both at once. She wants to devour them, please them, make them say her name until it feels real, until she believes that they want her, too.

But they don’t let her, instead focusing all of their energy on her. They touch her like she is rare, like she is cherished, and Shadowheart falls apart as white-hot pleasure erupts in every synapse. They take care of her before they touch one another, as though Shadowheart is their priority. As though she deserves to be their priority.

It makes her cum so hard she blacks out for a second.

As her senses return to her and she is treated to the sight of them pleasing each other, she expects to once again feel like a pervert intruding into this portrait of love everlasting. But instead, she imagines painting herself into it. She imagines that she might fit there, in some way. She does not know how, yet, but she thinks she will take whatever they give her and thank them for it.

Once again, she is overcome by the need to touch them. She thinks she could face the Absolute by herself if it means getting to hear them scream for her. Isobel says they still have an hour before sunrise.

Shadowheart intends to make the most of it.

[scalamore]

(Part 3) Rupert's possessiveness- Character development

My previous thoughts

Another aspect of Rupert's possessiveness:

He really did intend to possess/own Lari at the start. Lari knew that Rupert was someone who had no allies, as a powerless princess. She herself, had nothing to offer - except her existence. So she offers herself to him, letting him do anything he wants with her - she will prove her worth to him so he will fulfill her wish (protection of House Belois). She's even willing to be sold off as a save to a pervert somewhere if Rupert wishes it (of course he doesn't).

At that time, Rupert had nothing of his own. Everything was temporary - riches, his identity as a princess, and even Tory and Louis were things that were passed down to him by his mother. He had nothing he could truly call his own - until Lari came. As Lari had promised him in Ch 33, and again in Ch 45, she will belong to him as long as he is in power.

Although he loved Eva, he knew Eva didn't love him back and was oppressive with her training of him to be the perfect Emperor. There was no family. He didn't belong anywhere, and no one cared about him. He was just a very lonely, hardworking person that fought alone and suffered alone for years. So when Lari came, and said that she'll become his ally, will belong to him alone, where he became used to her presence around him - of course he wants her to stay. He doesn't realize it, but it didn't take very long for him to start depending on her - he NEEDED her around. (Tory realized this in Ch 45 as well). So when he starts to notice his feelings for her growing, as he becomes more dependent on her, he knows there's a flaw to their original promise: He fulfilled her desire of belonging to him, for him to own her... but... what now? Protecting House Belois is ridiculously easy. He doesn't have to do anything.

But he knows, that their promise is fragile. If Lari wants to leave him, there is no way he can force her to stay. He feels absolutely terrible, and terrified whenever Lari is in danger. We’ve seen it over and over- Rupert will do ANYTHING to make sure Lari is ok. He’ll overuse alchemy, he’ll expose himself to danger to make sure with his own eyes she’s ok. He HATEs seeing her uncomfortable or upset.

So imagine, If HE was the one causing her pain. He can’t bear the guilt. Despite worrying about wanting to possess Lari, just like what Crazy Emperor did for Eva, He doesn’t realize that he’s fundamentally different because he prioritizes Laris wants and needs, even over his own.

notice that in the story thus far, he’s never done anything to make her hate him. He’s never forced her to do anything. He tries to offer her ANYTHING as compensation for staying, and she only tells him she wants him to be happy, and for him to be a morally just and wise Emperor. (Also, she wants to stay with him to make sure he achieves happiness as Emperor anyways, she isn't going anywhere). But with a wish like that - genuinely wishing for his happiness - what on earth is Rupert supposed to do??? Around chapter 86, Rupert realizes he doesn't want to possess Lari anymore. He may have wanted to at the start, but not anymore. He doesn't want to own her anymore. He doesn't want to force her to stay, he doesn't want to trap her in the palace. Again, these feelings against owning her surface again in Ch 98 - He's terrified that he wants her more than ever, that he might turn into the Crazy Emperor and have Lari turn into someone who gave on life, like Eva. Back when he was 13, when he didn’t care about her much, it was ok for him to own her. He would have someone who was loyal to him, who belonged to him only. He finally had something he could call his own. But now that he’s 17-18, things are different. Circumstances have changed. she’s become someone special to him. He cares about her well being too much - he genuinely likes her and is happy when she’ll happy.

But this issue is, is that he can’t imagine her gone. He’s so used to being around her, that when she’s gone he feels unsettled, restless, and a bit lost. The palace is so large, so empty now. He has no one to chat with. It’s so normal to just chat with her and bicker about various things when they’re together. She’s fun to be around. Tory, Louis and fassbenders are simply his workers. He doesn’t socialize with them. But Lari is someone whom he can consider as a friend (to him, Lari is just Lari. She’s his attendant. She has no other special role to him). He wants to get closer to her, to bicker with her more, and that’s what’s scares him. He wants her, and he wants to get even closer to her - but he’s scared at these growing feelings. He doesn’t understand WHY he just wants to be around her all the time. But Rupert is at a loss. He wants her to stay, but doesn't know HOW to encourage her to want to stay - so all he can do is remind her that she belongs to him.. which she finds a bit annoying. She knows he treats her especially nicely, and is very considerate to her - which she understandably, misunderstands that he's just a nice person who treats 'his belongings' well, not knowing that he actually likes her A LOT, and treats her well because he treats all his important, precious people well. This is the last part of his character arc: At some point, he has to choose what to do with his feelings for Lari. Admittedly, he's wishy washy for a good half a volume, but he finally makes his decision, and his resolve.

[firefly-fez]

As a proud promoter of ‘Morgana was right all along, actually’ rhetoric I would like to reblog this with my support and clarify what I mean

Like, yes. She was evil. She became evil. She lost a desire for justice and became fixated on vengeance and cruelty.

The reason she lost her desire for justice is so… beautiful? To me?

It’s just. She stops being obedient, stops listening to authority. The virtues of obedience depend entirely on the virtues of the authority one is obedient to, and in Morgana’s case, authority is unjust and cruel, so she’s justified to disobey. She tries to go to people that she trusts for help, telling Gaius about her dreams, but he lies to her. He literally gaslights her about her own magic, and to a lesser degree, so does Merlin. So she doesn’t listen to anyone around her. She doesn’t have support, doesn’t have community, she feels so alone and terrified that she jumps at the first chance to connect with someone who tells her the truth about her magic - Morgause. She’s so alone and isolated and desperate to not feel like she’s crazy that she’s so vulnerable and it’s the perfect recipe for someone to take advantage of her, and that’s exactly what Morgause does. She wants to bring Uther down, but she doesn’t really hnderstand what she’s doing when she is made the vessel for the curse upon Camelot, she’s alone and afraid and by some force of mercy, Merlin is helpful and kind so she trusts him… and he poisons her. He didn’t have another choice, not really. But everything she trusted failed her. She stops trusting anybody but herself. There’s no one to tell her when she’s gone too far, not anymore. Arthur has accountability around him when he makes a mistake, and that drives him to make amends when he kills out of cruelty or vengeance. Morgana doesn’t. She was persecuted in Camelot and abandoned by Gaius and made an outcast in the only home she’d ever known. She goes too far when she tries to have Uthur killed after Gwen’s father is executed and at first, she is repentant when she sees Uther’s remorse. But Uther’s mercy is fickle and few, and Morgana’s mercy to him dies alongside his mercy to others. The next time she tries to have him killed she doesn’t regret it. At first, it’s just Uther she hates. When she learns her parentage, that she has a claim to the throne of Camelot, it’s a turning point for her. She sees Camelot as rightfully hers. With so much denied to her, so much of her own safety and security denied to her, the perception of Camelot as rightfully hers changes her. She turns against Gwen as a threat to something that she, Morgana, deserves. By this point, it’s all hatred and revenge fuelling Morgana.

Arthur is a good man, but he wasn’t always. He used to be arrogant prat who killed sorcerers on his father’s orders. He saw sorcerers persecuted and stood by and watched. He turned a blind eye to suffering time and time again out of a desire to prove his worth to his father. People stood by Arthur and supported him and that helped him to change for the better.

(Merlin made mistakes, too, but he had support from people who knew who he was from the start. Lancelot and Freya knew his identity as a sorcerer and validated it, and Gaius was a moral support who understood his magic that he had from day one.)

No one did that for Morgana.

It just makes so much sense that she was driven to hatred.

Her emotional character arc is just…. *chefs kiss*

Morgana conquered Camelot twice and declared herself Queen. And what she did after that?

She killed innocent civilians. She burned their crops. She let their children starve. She tortured and killed the Knights. She tortured Gwaine by forcing him to fight for her own amusement. And then she tried to help magic users like her! ah no, she didn’t lol

I mean, i love Morgana because she’s a good villain and Katie is freaking amazing, but DON’T TELL ME she was fighting for freedom and justice 😭 Don’t tell me she was fighting for her people. She didn’t care about them.  As someone said in another post “Morgana’s quest was personal vengeance disguised as revolution”. She wanted vengeance and power, she wasn’t doing all this horrible things for revolution and for a change. Mordred KNEW she was bad, but he joined her because at some point he had something to avenge himself.

Just because you sympathize with an antagonist or villain, doesn’t mean they aren’t an antagonist or villain^^“ Morgana had good intentions in season 1 and 2, but after that? Nope!

[fairy25]

Therapist anon

Thank you so much for the advice and listening! I appreciate it. Decided to have one more session I already have a therapist who has done trauma work herself that I connect with better. (I was going to collaborate with both but that was honestly me being codependent.)

She never overtly said I needed to be a wife and mother to her happy, but it was just so odd when I said “I wouldn’t be a very good mom” and I didn’t even say it in a negative way, just that I don’t want kids and it’s a good thing I’m childfree. The expression on her face was weird like I just told her something super depressing or some shit. Then when I said “I’m sad I didn’t experience romantic love” I would’ve thought “I’m sorry for your loss” would’ve been sufficient and if she was going to comment on relationships maybe she could’ve just reminded me they are needed to be happy idk I called her out and got pissed and told her she projected what she found fulfilling. She didn’t deny it. I’ve also brought up that she basically minimized it as a loss, that she devalued me and minimized my trauma, etc… no talking about it makes me feel better I literally can’t trust someone who responds to me expressing a feeling with the ideology that I can “still find the right one”. I’m at higher risk for being assaulted I asked if that was worth it and idk if she didn’t hear that but she didn’t answer.

I am having one more session and just won’t sceduale anymore. I told her via email that I just want a break.

I liked her momentarily due to being porn critical and doesn’t believe men can be women and I could talk about that but she clearly has no identity out of being a wife and mother.

I think you have to severely undermine male violence to not see that as a loss….

I am sad I didn’t experience romantic love because then I feel there would be less grief around accepting seperatism for my safty and not feeling offended by others folks opinions; I feel like I have to prove I was somehow desirable or wanted like I feel like a loser for having never been with anyone and rage because my Father dominated me and that’s literally the only reason. I hate being het cause it makes me feel gross. I wish I experienced romantic love so k wouldn’t feel dirty, basically, and wanted to heal from this idea rhe I can now never stop feeling dirty.

I was raged mormon so there is heavy sex shaming… being intimate with someone was like my awareness because it made me conscious I was being dominated and abused. I wasn’t a “prude” by any means I heavily repressed myself… I was afraid this guy I was trying to see in secret would think I was a slut, we were taught about not having impure thoughts and being chaste and all that shit, but I become aware there was nothing innapropiare I felt sacred… I didn’t feel shame or guilt engaging in my sexuality for a brief moment in my life and I was only 15 and I’m traumatized by it, and I literally told my therapist all of this before I said I’m sad I didn’t experience romantic love.

I just wish I had never been traumatized, and yea, I’m sure the rare het relationship that is loving is nice, I want to let go of the limerence and fantasy for the sake of being healthy, happy, and safe, because I fear being raped or stresses me so much it’s healthiest to stay away for me. It’s just not work the risk… idk how to heal, I don’t think therapists who believe happiness is motherhood and marriage and grandkids is a good therapist…

It frustrates me how many therapists have actually judged me for being single, it makes me feel worthless.

Sorry for vomiting, I really appreciate it!

I think you may be at a point right now where therapy isn’t helping you but rather exacerbating things and making you feel worse. It might be a good idea to take some time off and let your body relax and re-regulate itself. When you’re ready, I would suggest tackling the idea that great romantic love is the end all be all of life, because many people, traumatized or not, will never experience great romantic love. Does that make them less happy people? Does that make their lives less important? You can still experience great love, it just may not be from a man (or it may be, I don’t know). My dog loves me unconditionally, so do my friends. My coworkers smile when they see me and tell me about their families and show me pictures, I basically get to watch their kids grow up. Why is this love less valuable? And I mean you’d have to look far and wide to find a woman who isn’t traumatized so if you weren’t, you’d be one of few. Like I know it sucks to feel how you do and it’s not your fault, I want to reiterate that, you’re doing the absolute best you can. But it’s going to be hard. You’re going to have to ask yourself what you really want out of life, what’s important to you. Challenge why you think something is important. Question everything. I used to think I needed to be chosen by a man to be worthy. Which was then made more complicated because I am not attracted to men. But I kept trying, over and over again, thinking maybe this time, it’ll be good, it’d be different. It wasn’t. I would start sobbing the moment they left and at one point even bathed myself in bleach and scratched my skin off in chunks because of how dirty I felt. I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain. In my case, the only thing that helped was time and giving myself some grace. Focusing on the parts of life that made me happy and excited, getting me out of my head and back into my body. Dancing, yoga, just going for a walk with my dog. Anything to remind myself that I’m here now, I’m safe, I’m alive, no one is touching me. I think it’s hard to move through the world as a traumatized woman when you haven’t found your anger yet. Anger is what leads me to talk back, stick up for myself, not take shit from anyone. Your anger is the part of you that loves you. I think that’s next for you. All that fear and anxiety and self loathing you feel is eventually going to turn into a different beast entirely: rage. You’re already getting frustrated, you just need to stop turning that frustration inward. None of this is your fault. Remember that.

[the-writing-artist]

Code: Swap Gift

Specifically, a gift for @Semie78 as part of @code-swap 2021. Here’s a little fic for you, hope you enjoy it. / Aelita-centric, present tense, post-Evolution / No pairings, just group fluff

Second Chance

The textbook definition of 'giving someone a second chance' is to allow someone another opportunity to do something or to prove their ability or worth.

To most people, it means that the person screwed up in some way, and their friend(s) or significant other has decided to see if they're still worth the effort. It makes sense, giving someone you care about an opportunity to learn from their mistakes and become a better person, but sometimes, enough is enough. Sometimes, the person screws up the chance they were so gratiously given, and then it's over.

(It's this definition that probably means the most to William, and it's understandable, but it's unfair for her to assume how he feels about it.)

But to Aelita, 'second chance' means something entirely different. It's something her friends had given to her, and she would never, ever dream of messing it up, but thinking about it always causes her to start crying, no matter where she is.

Mind you, it's not the bad sort of tears. The emotion she carries from this is not negative in any way, and never will be.

No, these are tears of joy.

And the evidence is in all the names she's ever had.

Aelita Schaeffer was a normal girl...well, as normal as one could be while being the daughter of a scientist on the run from the government. To be honest, she still doesn't really understand why her father was being hunted down. All she understands is that, at the time, she never expected for their mountain house to be invaded by the men in black that still haunt her nightmares to this very day. This Aelita never expected her mother to be taken away by them, nor did she ever expect to be forced to run away with her father. She had a normal life before that, and she was as sweet and innocent as a child her age could be.

(She remembers how enraged she was when XANA used this picture-perfect life to trap her.)

Aelita Hopper was her name when in hiding at the Hermitage. She was homeschooled and not really allowed to leave, so she didn't have any friends. This Aelita was very lonely, often crying herself to sleep every night because she wanted to be social, wanted her mother...wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Unfortunately, things only got worse when the men in black found them, forcing her father to virtualize them both onto Lyoko. Her father had tried to get XANA to understand who they really were, but failed, and he was forced to shut down the Supercomputer, trapping the two for the next decade.

(But it was also this Aelita who allowed her to remember her past and gave her friends more tools to fight XANA with.)

Maya was the name given to her after Jeremie had turned the Supercomputer back on. Ten years being trapped inside a virtual world had apparently allowed XANA to steal a crucial piece of her, giving her amnesia and forcing her to forget who she really was. According to Jeremie, her new (and very first) friend, she was apparently a program in the computer. This Aelita was probably the least tragic out of all the Aelitas on her list. It was through this name that she also met Ulrich, Odd, and Yumi. Together, the four of them managed to find a way to free her from Lyoko and eventually XANA's grasp.

(Yes, yes, she knows that Maya was her name for only a while, a whole week at the very least, but she honestly considers it the true key to her current happiness.)

And finally, Aelita Stones is the girl who resulted from all of this. This Aelita actually has friends, has things to wake up for and look forward to, is allowed to feel without to fear of being judged. This Aelita is vastly different from Aelita Schaeffer. Schaeffer was innocent and sweet, her mind numb to all the horrors of real life, only to have a brutal wake up call at such an earlier point in life. Stones is sweet too, but she's no longer innocent, having been hardened to the realities of life, and as such, is fully grown and matured. This Aelita has befriended people like Sissi and William.

(But not Laura. That's a rabbit hole to steer away from.)

Aelita Stones is the version of her that she always wants to be, and forever will be, because that is her true identity now. Aelita Schaeffer is dead, gone, mostly because she is presumed to be dead by the government, and it often makes her sad to realize that she can't go back to that life, whether she wants to or not. Whether her mother is still alive or not.

She remembers watching Jeremie stay up late to complete a government file that he and the others had forged, filling out the necessary information in order to give her a brand new identity before they materialized her into the real world for the first time: Aelita Stones.

Aelita Stones is her second chance.

This Aelita is the one who has a truly normal life, even more so now that they have XANA trapped and unable to attack them anymore. This Aelita is the one who has interests and hobbies, and most important, friends to share them with.

Jeremie is her study buddy, the two of them being the smartest of the group and always having to help the others with their homework, and his prescence always calms her.

Odd is her music buddy, the two of them always working together to work on music, and if he cracks a bad joke or two, she doesn't mind; in fact, she adores them.

Ulrich is her athletic buddy, the two of them always running the track together, and lately, he's also been teaching her how to fight like him and Yumi.

Yumi is her girl buddy, the two of them being the only girls of the group, and Yumi is always the person she turns to whenever issues concerning the female body comes up.

William is her relax-time buddy, the two of them often coming together just to talk, and despite how his first appearance made him look, William is actually a great friend to have.

She has different activities to do with each of them, due to their differing interests, but no matter who she's with, she can always count on them to validate her feelings. They each have their own ways of doing so, but the end result, her being grateful to have them in her life, is always the same.

All of this comes to mind when Aelita remembers that her birthday is tomorrow, the one Jeremie made up for her, and realizes that the date Jeremie chose is the same day they all first met, the day when Maya remembered her true name, the real day Aelita Stones was born.

And it's in this moment that she understands that it's a very special day for all of them, and she knows why.

It's the day Jeremie shed his skin as the lonely nerd and gave him true friends who allowed him to use his smarts in rather creative ways.

It's the day Odd realized that his status as the new kid wasn't as bad as other kids often made it out to be.

It's the day Ulrich gained a new, unlikely friend in the form of Jeremie, and he was the first person Jeremie chose to trust.

It's the day Yumi was no longer an outcast, a day when she realized she had friends who genuinely cared about her.

It's the day William probably wishes he was there for, as it eventually led to him becoming their sixth member, and later on, gave him his own second chance.

She really just wants to pay them back for everything they've done for her, to show them just how grateful she is to have them in her life. After all, it's a day that belongs to all of them, not just her. It wasn't just the day Aelita Stones was born, but also the day the Lyokowarriors become a family.

While some of them do have pleasant home lives, the Lyokowarriors are definitely more tightly-knit. After all, they have placed their lives in each others' hands, trusted Jeremie to keep them safe from the controls, trusted Ulrich, Yumi, Odd, and William to keep Aelita safe, and trusted Aelita to deactivate the tower in time, more times than one could count. When you've entrusted your life to someone you know you can trust multiple times, you've definitely built a unique bond with them.

So yes, the six were a true family, through and through. And they were her family now.

The only problem is that she doesn't know how to pay them back. Her gratitude is just too vast and too deep that there is no sure way to truly show it all to them in just one sitting.

But she can sure as heck try her best.

They were her family, after all.

THE END

[ganymedesclock]

I absolutely love your Hollow Knight headcanons, and I have a question because I'm curious what your thoughts on this are: do you have any headcanons about Lemm? What's his deal, where did he come from? Furthermore, how do you think the interaction would go if he ended up meeting Quirrel at some point?

Hollow Knight is one of those exciting SpIn franchises for me where if I don’t have headcanons about a particular character I’ll string ‘em together pretty quickly because I just like the world that much.

Lemm, incidentally, I have thought about! So I’ll just toss out a sorta randomized tasting platter here under the cut.

Lemm offhandedly mentions other relic seekers but rather than a scholarly order he suggests they’d be jealous of him or compete with him, so he clearly has peers. He also tells Ghost that if they want to move into the City of Tears he’d prefer they pick an empty building AWAY from the one he’s taken over.

He’s shown to be finicky, obstinate, and argumentative- possibly other relic seekers are closer to each other than they are to him- but even when he really, really wants something from Ghost, he’s fair with them, and he is honest with them about how much each is worth. (He doesn’t try to con you on the arcane eggs, and is sincere about how much it means to him.) He also seems to actually enjoy Ghost as an audience, and like talking about it. The description for the Void Idol suggests that Ghost potentially hangs around Lemm and learns from him more than we necessarily ‘see’ in canon.

I interpret Lemm as a wholly mundane sort of bug, no magical aptitude, but as someone who is quite brawny and physically powerful. I just like the idea that in some kind of modern supernatural AU he’d be the ostensible normal everyman keeping up, frustratedly, with all of this mystical stuff happens but then they get ambushed by a zombie and Lemm just lays it out. Overall this guy’s about as much of a desk jockey as Indiana Jones- he mentions doing long treks through the city avoiding husks.

So, to spin what I imagine might be a probable backstory; he seems less like someone who’s accustomed to loneliness or isolation, but rather someone who seeks it out. Possibly grew up in a big family with a lot of siblings, or otherwise a very rowdy environment where he felt like not much room was made for his interests and passions and him having things the way he wants them. Isolation alone doesn’t make him happy, though he seems the type to insist he is (not after neighbors, and all)- really, more than anything, he wants to be listened to and feel like someone is paying attention to him, I think.

He seems to be highly educated and may be something of an elitist snob about it at first glance, but, again, feeding into a kind of defensiveness.

Possibly his interest in history is a kind of compassion? He seems obsessed with the Hollow Knight and the identity of the Five Great Knights, so his own fear of being forgotten (?) / resentment at being overlooked may be something he tries to extend to others. He seeks those who were obscured by history. He’s more cynical about the Pale King than he is about the knights, but even then, he talks about the King’s Idols like he wonders who that person was, as well.

So, yeah, I like this mental image- young Lemm coming from an aristocratic family (his character colors match those of the aristocrat husks) but an overlooked ‘middle child’ too far from the inheritance to feel like he mattered much and entering some kind of major academia institution to prove himself and seek acclaim, only to become irritated and disillusioned with that / in part make enemies for his argumentative personality- and then putting everything he had on his back and heading to Hallownest because he’s out of patience with it all.

Which leads me to... Quirrel.

Quirrel is a living relic and he is an overlooked witness to an erased chapter of Hallownest’s history- the fate of the three Dreamers, and, through them, the Hollow Knight. He’s a key witness to the exact subject of Lemm’s obsession and a record who was not really purged, even if the pieces are in disarray, and wander in and out of his recollection.

Unfortunately rather than a tablet or archive Lemm can pour over and delve into with all of his skills, Quirrel is a person with feelings and opinions, and some of them are that, as an academic, Quirrel has a very different stance to Lemm. 

Quite simply, Quirrel’s perspective seems far more transformative than curatorial. He emphasizes seeing things with new eyes and open awe. He’s happy that he forgot much of himself, even for a time, that he could experience it all new again. The past should serve the future. This seems to be a mentality he shared with Monomon, who when she herself is ‘the past’, is actively motivated and seeks to disable her protections and help Ghost end her life in order to ensure a future- the very reason she became a Dreamer in the first place.

Quirrel’s entire story is about letting go. I don’t personally read his conclusion as an act of suicide, but rather, the symbolic death of Quirrel the Archivist- the last tie he had to his former life. So he plants his nail on the shores of the lake, and leaves to be a new person- to see what comes next with new eyes. He cared about Monomon too much to not carry her with him, to not come back to see her off, but with that done, what he did as part of this ancient magical kingdom really doesn’t matter to him anymore. The people he cared about are gone. He’s going to look forwards and move on.

Assuming he encounters Lemm specifically after this point, this would scientifically speaking drive Lemm up the fucking wall.

Quirrel doesn’t tell and Lemm usually doesn’t ask but that idiosyncratic habit of just spouting off knowledge of ancient worlds and people and shrugging it off, like, well, that’s an interesting anecdote isn’t it! and Lemm is just, no, come back here you bastard don’t depart on a tangent about wrought iron infrastructure this is my lifework we’re talking about.

It’d be a certain amount of comedy but in another sense they have great potential to learn from each other. Quirrel very much surrenders unto the flow in many ways- which is powerful in that it’s probably protected him from the plague for a long time, his ability to let go rather than being tempted down dangerous paths by stray dreams- but, also, it’s clear from his voice and body language that losing Monomon cost him more than he wants to examine; his willingness to move on might be him being a bit dismissive about his own grief.

Lemm, meanwhile, has maybe spent his entire life up to this point doubling down so hard that he’s broken friendships, estranged family, and pissed off colleagues. This stuff has to matter. Someone has to listen to him. He has to know who these people are that disappeared off into the world because it isn’t just as good as they weren’t there! They knew things! They changed things! They did SOMETHING and if no one else wrote it down, he guesses that’s his job! It’s the only way he knows how to care about things.

So Quirrel lets go a little too much, including things he’s not actually over, and Lemm clings to things to such a degree that it seems to have driven him to isolation, even when he’s happier with someone to talk to about his work.

Also one of them’s a samurai and the other’s a self-taught pugilist who isn’t above cracking some skulls and shells with weighty antiques so if you happen to end up on the wrong end of both of them at the same time, heaven help you. 

Possibly, at some point, Quirrel concedes the Madam probably wouldn’t have wanted her archive to rot when the living could make use of it and starts a transcribing project and Lemm goes absolutely fucking ape.

[ladybeug]

Okay remember the chloe breakup playlist? 

@peachesandheather​ and @chaotictaste​ THANKS FOR ASKING i know its way later but i would LOVE to break this playlist down lets get GOING! 

this is a follow up to THIS post. 

CONTEXT:  for this fanmix to read correctly, you need to know its an aged-up AU. Chloe’s grown a bit already, and she’s learned to value making other people happy just for the sake of making them happy. She joins the superhero gang and they all reveal identities and she dates marinette for a bit but realizes that marinette is still into adrien, and so chloe breaks up with her. That’s the facts, theres a drabble about it here if you want more emotional depth. 

LISTEN HERE ON SPOTIFY and follow along. There will also be links to youtube lyric videos if you prefer that. 

Without further ado: 

The Louvre - Lorde 

This is a key track. The title track. 

The metaphor of the louvre itself really sits with me. On the one hand, it’s The Louvre - an internationally recognized place to Put Important Things. What’s more, to put Art - beautiful things that defy description. And yet we keep trying. On the other hand, it’s The Louvre - there’s a suggestion that you’re not supposed to touch it. It’s precious enough that it needs to be preserved and displayed carefully - don’t knock into it. That’s a scary new relationship. Something extremely precious that you almost trust. 

Now remember the louvre metaphor, that one comes back in track 7. 

The rest of this breakdown is under the cut to spare the poor people just trying to scroll through tumblr. You guys enjoy your evening. Everyone else, follow me!!

If you’re reading this i love you thank you for indulging me. 

 You’re Gonna Make me Lonesome When You Go - Madeleine Peyroux 

Despite not being the title track, this is the song that inspired the whole playlist! I love it. Its layered. 

I like to imagine Chloe has a moment, like the calm before the storm, when she realizes she has to break up with marinette, and she feels almost zen about it. Maybe she’s been struggling with trying to open up and be vulnerable and ask for love. And finally she decides she doesn’t want to ask for love anymore, she’s tired of it, and she’s going to go back to pushing people away. For a moment it’s just a relief to stop trying, it’s comforting to revert to who she used to be in the face of losing marinette. 

This song has a resigned feel to it. It feels like someone who doesn’t quite really believe they deserve love. That’s a theme throughout this playlist too.

Lastly, in the context of the AU - chloe would feel good about giving marinette a chance to be with someone she really wants to be with. She’s grown a lot since she was a kid and likes to be the kind of person who cares about others. It’s bittersweet but feels a little... right. 

Call it Off - Tegan & Sara 

They break up. 

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple 

Chloe takes it back, it doesn’t feel ‘bittersweet but a little... right’!! It sucks!! 

This one’s about chloe feeling sorry for herself about having to break up with Marinette. It’s bitter and frustrated, it says why can’t I have nice things?? It’s about being SO close to love - so close you could taste it - and having to cut yourself off. 

It also has that resigned feel to it - the need to starve yourself of love because you can’t have it. The disbelief in a happy ending, and a little bit of self blame.

Woke Up New - The Mountain Goats 

This is the other side of the breakup coin. If ‘Paper Bag’ is the bitterness and reflection on how chloe feels about breaking up, ‘Woke Up New’ is just about... not having marinette. 

It removes the self-reflection and the over-thinking. It’s just about loss. You miss someone. And I think chloe would miss marinette. She’s been lonely before, and for a while she didn’t feel lonely, and now she feels lonely again - it’s uncomplicatedly sad. It’s just a sad moment. 

Be Mine! - Robyn 

Okay now we turn up the tempo a little, we’ve been sad, we’ve been self-reflective, bring on the poor coping mechanisms! Turn up the volume, pour yourself a drink, and get a little mad about your breakup!

But also dont forget to be kind of resigned and defeatist about it. That’s still crucial and will continue to be crucial for a little longer. 

Fists Up - BLOW 

This is another key song, and is our second reference to the Louvre. 

But it brings a third, new aspect to the Louvre, that Lorde didn’t bring. The security of the Louvre. BLOW says, ‘my love is a fortress, my love is the louvre, but it can’t ever thrive if i’m forced to keep proving it’. There’s the same suggestion that love is worth valuing, but also reminds us that love is difficult to access - which is absolutely true for chloe, who protects herself instinctively. She’s always been very defensive, and part of growing has been fighting to overcome that instinct - it’s what let her get so close to marinette in the first place. But it didn’t work out, which is bitter, and makes her angry. There’s almost a self-righteousness, trying to blame someone else for not treating you precious enough. 

Also worth noting that this song is about the internal fight between hope and defeat in a relationship. Chloe ended the relationship with ladybug because she didn’t believe it would work, and she doesn’t believe she’s enough. But it’s so hard to stop hope, which makes defeat more painful.

Shampain - Marina and the Diamonds 

Remember when we started drinking to Robyn’s “Be Mine”? We are drinking a LOT more now and we are SO COOL and DONE thinking about this. We are NOT SAD ANYMORE!!! ITS FINE!! 

Hurricane Drunk - Florence & the Machine 

Chloe is still very drunk and is now being sad on purpose. 

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs 

Now it’s 3 am and chloe is not that drunk anymore but she is soooo so so sad. Chloe misses her girlfriend sooo much. this sucks this sucks this sucks alcohol did not help??? how come that didnt work?? 

If you wanna get creative this is the scene where chloe shows up on marinettes balcony and makes a scene and marinette takes her home and tucks her in very kindly and very platonically. 

Gotta Have You - The Weepies 

This song is on the cusp of acceptance. This playlist is admittedly like... a little depressing, especially as I write it all out - theres a lot of wrestling with self-esteem, and fighting loneliness. That’s hard. This song is tired. It’s tried everything. 

It’s the thematic foil to ‘You’re Going To Make Me Lonesome When You Go’. Both songs have the same gentle, steady rhythm. In the first, chloe was in the relationship, sad but accepting that the relationship would end. Now, she’s out of the relationship, and she just wants to be back in. But there’s a little bit of that same acceptance. 

This song feels like saying out loud what you want, and even though you can’t have it, the fact that you know what it is and you can say it feels good. 

Go Ahead - Rilo Kiley

Alright guys we’re solidly in acceptance by now. We’re out of the heavy emotional woods. We’ve made it. 

This song is bittersweet and not a truly happy one, but it holds a genuine wish for someone else’s happiness that hasn’t appeared in most of the songs in this playlist. It’s reminiscent of the wish chloe had in the first place, to end the relationship not only to protect herself but to give marinette a chance to be happy. To do a good and selfess thing. 

It’s both. It’s sad and it’s good. It’s complex. 

New Years Day - Taylor Swift 

This is the third key song. And it’s a truly beautiful one. 

This song ties us back to the beginning, and says do you remember what all this fuss is really about? What was so important that you put it in the Louvre?

Chloe is still on a team with marinette. There’s a point at which she would have to choose to cut marinette off, or... figure out something else. This song is about figuring out something else. The ‘what comes next’ of a difficult relationship. They don’t get back together, but they stay friends, even if its weird, and even when chloe feels left out or marinette doesn’t know what to say. But they want to stay in each others lives. And it’s worth the work.

A Fairytale Ending - The Boy Least Likely To 

A reflection on how difficult it is to grow and face life head on, and how it changes you.

I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

We have to have some closure here. It’s going to be okay. 

THATS THE PLAYLIST 

Pretty somber now that I have it all written out like that. but still a great one.

[ireadyabooks]

Books to Read in 2021

It’s a NEW YEAR, everyone! 

We made it through 2020, and whether or not you hit your reading goal this past year, don’t worry! 2021 is a new year for your TBR, and we have an AMAZING line-up of books you should add to your reading list ASAP.

THE LIFE I’M IN 

This story of the power of forgiveness and second chances presents the unflinching story of a young woman trapped in the underworld of human trafficking. In Sharon G. Flake's latest and unflinching novel, we follow Charlese Jones, who, with her raw, blistering voice speaks the truths many girls face, offering insight to some of the causes and conditions that make a bully. Turned out of the only home she has known, Char boards a bus to nowhere where she is lured into the dangerous web of human trafficking.

HOLD BACK THE TIDE

A darkly seductive story of murder, betrayal, love, and family secrets in a small town in the Scottish Highlands. Alva knows that her father killed her mother, but she can’t prove it. The more she investigates though, the more she realizes that the truth can be more monstrous than lies/ And while you might be able to outrun anything that emerges from the dark water, you can never escape your past . . .

MUTED 

Denver is more than ready on the day she and her best friends Dali and Shak sing their way into the orbit of the biggest R&B star in the world, Sean "Mercury" Ellis. Merc gives them everything: parties, perks, wild nights -- plus hours and hours in the recording studio. Even the painful sacrifices and the lies the girls have to tell are all worth it. Until they're not. Denver begins to realize that she's trapped in Merc's world, struggling to hold on to her own voice. As the dream turns into a nightmare, she must make a choice: lose her big break, or get broken.

THE POETRY OF SECRETS

A lyrical portrait of hidden identities and forbidden love set against the harrowing backdrop of the Spanish Inquisition. Isabel’s dreams to pursue poetry and a partner of her own choosing are thrown into jeopardy when the Spanish Inquisition reaches her small town. 

SHURI #2: THE VANISHED 

Shuri, the Princess of Wakanda (and sister to the Black Panther), sets out to save a group of kidnapped girls in this all-new, original novel by New York Times bestselling author Nic Stone!

BRIDGE OF SOULS

Where there are ghosts, Cassidy Blake follows . . .unless it's the other way around? Cass thinks she might have this ghost-hunting thing down. But nothing can prepare Cass for New Orleans, which wears all of its hauntings on its sleeve. And the city's biggest surprise is a foe Cass never expected to face: a servant of Death itself.

FOLLOW YOUR ARROW

When bisexual influencer CeCe breaks up with her girlfriend, Silvie, she’s devastated. But then she starts falling for a new guy who has no idea she’s internet famous...and CeCe wants to keep it that way. But as her secrets catch up to her, she finds herself in the middle of an online storm, where she'll have to confront the blurriness of public vs. private life, and figure out what it really means to speak her truth.   

MIRROR’S EDGE

The danger rises and the deception grows in the heart-stopping third book in the New York Times bestselling Impostors series! Are twins Frey and Rafi on the same side . . . or are they playing to their own agendas? If their father is deposed from Shreve, who will take control? And what other forces may be waiting in the wings?

ZARA HOSSAIN IS HERE

Zara's family has waited years for their visa process to be finalized so that they can officially become US citizens. While dealing with the Islamophobia that she faces at school, Zara has to lay low. But when her tormentor vandalizes her house with racist graffiti, a violent crime puts Zara’s entire future at risk. Now she must pay the ultimate price and choose between fighting to stay in the only place she's ever called home or losing the life she loves and everyone in it.

REMEDY

It's a mystery - why is Cara so sick? It feels like she's been sick all her life . . . but she and her mom have never stayed in one place long enough for doctors to really understand what's happening to her. Now, at fourteen, Cara is tired of being tired, and sick of being sick. Unable to afford the care she needs, Cara's mom starts a Caring for Cara campaign online. The money starts pouring in. But something's not right to Cara. And the harder she looks, the less she understands.

HEARTSTOPPER VOLUME 3

The third volume in the poignant and sweet Heartstopper series, featuring beautiful two-color artwork! Charlie didn't think Nick could ever like him back, but now they're officially boyfriends. Nick has even found the courage to come out to his mom. But coming out isn't something that happens just once, and Nick and Charlie try to figure out when to tell their friends that they're dating. Not being out to their classmates gets even harder during a school trip to Paris. As Nick and Charlie's feelings get more serious, they'll need each other more than ever.

THE BLOCK

In the second book of The Loop trilogy, Luka is trapped in a fate worse than death. But now that he knows the truth about what he and his fellow inmates are being used for, it's more important than ever that he not only escapes, but that he builds an army.

ON THE HOOK

Hector has always minded his own business while he works towards a better life. Until Joey, whose older brother, Chavo, is head of the Discípulos gang, tells Hector that he's going to kill him: maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday. And Hector, frozen with fear, does nothing. From that day forward, Hector's death is hanging over his head every time he leaves the house. But when a fight between Chavo and Hector's brother escalates, Hector is left with no choice but to take a stand. It's up to Hector to choose whether he's going to lose himself to revenge or get back to the hard work of living.

MISTER IMPOSSIBLE

Do the dreamers need the ley lines to save the world . . . or will their actions end up dooming the world? As Ronan, Hennessy, and Bryde try to make dreamers more powerful, the Moderators are closing in, sure that this power will bring about disaster. In the remarkable second book of The Dreamer Trilogy, Maggie Stiefvater pushes her characters to their limits – and shows what happens to them and others when they start to break.

THE GHOSTS WE KEEP 

Everything happens for a reason.At least that's what everyone keeps telling Liam Cooper after his older brother Ethan is killed suddenly in a hit-and-run. Feeling more alone and isolated than ever, Liam has to not only learn to face the world without one of the people he loved the most, but also face the fading relationships of his two best friends in the process. Soon, Liam finds themself spending time with Ethan's best friend, Marcus, who might just be the only person that seems to know exactly what they're going through - for better and for worse.

SIMONE BREAKS ALL THE RULES

Simone is shaking things up by making a bucket list of everything she hasn’t been able to do thanks to her strict Haitian immigrant parents. But as the list takes on a life of its own, things get much more complicated than Simone expected. She'll have to discover which rules are worth breaking, and which might save her from heartbreak.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

Skylar is ready to show everyone that her latest app is brilliant by winning an academic competition. To do that, she's going to use it to win State at the Scholastic Exposition, the nerdiest academic competition around. But when she falls for one of her team members and things get complicated, is her path to greatness over before it begins?

THE GIRL FROM THE SEA

A graphic novel about family, romance, and first love! Morgan's biggest secret is that she has a lot of secrets, including the one about wanting to kiss another girl. Then one night, Morgan is saved from drowning by a mysterious girl named Keltie. The two become friends and suddenly life on the island doesn't seem so stifling anymore. But Keltie has some secrets of her own. And as the girls start to fall in love, everything they're each trying to hide will find its way to the surface...whether Morgan is ready or not.

RISE TO THE SUN

Three days. Two girls. One life-changing music festival. Toni is reeling in the wake of the loss of her roadie father and desperate to figure out where her life will go from here. Olivia is a hopeless romantic whose heart has just taken a beating (again). When the two collide at the Farmland Music and Arts Festival, it feels like kismet. But when something goes wrong and the festival is sent into a panic, Toni and Olivia find that they need each other, and the music, more than they ever imagined.

YOU & ME AT THE END OF THE WORLD

Hannah Ashton wakes up to silence. The entire city around her is empty, except for one other person: Leo Sterling. Leo might be the hottest boy ever (and not just because he's the only one left), but he's also too charming, too selfish, and too devastating for his own good, let alone Hannah's. Together, they search for answers amid crushing isolation. But while their empty world may appear harmless . . . it's not. Because nothing is quite as it seems, and if Hannah and Leo don't figure out what's going on, they might just be torn apart forever.

IN THE SAME BOAT 

Sadie is ready for the race of a lifetime: The Texas River Odyssey. But then her brother ditches her and she has to pair up with her former best friend, Cully. It's irritating enough that he grew up to be so attractive, but once they're on the river it turns out he's ill-prepared for such a dangerous race. But as the miles pass, the pain of the race builds, they uncover the truth about their feuding families, and Sadie's feelings for Cully begin to shift. Could this race change her life more than she ever could have imagined?

THE GREAT DESTROYERS 

In this alternate-history novel, Jo joins the Pax Games: an Olympics-style competition that pits pilots of mechas against each other. But when fighters start dying in the arena, Jo is drawn into a deadly political plot. In a global arms race between superpowers, playing out in violent games that only humanity could create, comes a chilling story of clashing titans, ruthless competition, freedom, and the girl caught in the middle of it all.

[hopelikethemoon]

Elena (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}

Title: Elena  Rating: PG-13 Length: 2000 Warnings: Mild angst, pining, and allusions to sex.  Notes: You can find everything about Maybe Today, Maybe Forever here. Set in 1989, directly after Old Parr. Javier POV. I would recommend re-reading Old Parr before reading this.  Summary: Javier spends the evening with his informant. 

@grapemama​​​ @seawhisperer​​​ @huliabitch​​​ @pedropascalito​​​ @rogrsnbarnes​​​@thewallpapergoesorido​​​ @twomoonstwosuns​​​ @gooddaykate​​​ @livasaurasrex​​​ @ham4arrow​​​@plexflexico​​​ @readsalot73​​​ @hdlynn​​​ @lokiaddicted​​​ @randomness501​​​ @fioccodineveautunnale​​​  @roxypeanut​​​ @snivellusim​​​ @lukesrighthand​​​ @historynerd04​​​ @mrsparknuts​​​@synystersilenceinblacknwhite​​​ @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead​​​ @exrebelshocktrooper​​​@awesomefandomsunited​​​ @ah-callie​​​ @swhiskeys​​​ @lady-tano​​​ @beskar-droids​​​ @space-floozy​​​@cable-kenobi​​​ @cool-ultra-nerd​​​ @himbopoes​​​ @findhimfives​​​ @pedrosdoll​​​ @frietiemeloen​​​@arrowswithwifi​​​ @random066​​​ @uncomicalhumour​​​ @heather-lynn​​​ @domino-oh-damn​​​@cyarikaaa​​​ @ahopelessromanticwritersworld​​​ @im-still-a-pieceofgarbage @ksgeekgirl​​​​  @yabby-girl​​​​ @xqueenofthecraziesx​​​​ @punkass-potato​​​​ @coredrive​​​​ @pascalesque​​​​@theduchessofkirkcaldy​​​​ @queenquazar​​​​ @sabinemorans​​​​ @buckstaposition​​​​ @holkaskrosnou​​​​ @yespolkadotkitty​ @seeking-a-great--perhaps​

Javier tilted his head back, looking up at the ceiling as he drew in a drag of smoke. He welcomed the way it burned at the back of his throat, filling his lungs, before he exhaled. He watched the hazy smoke as it billowed in front of him. In the haze of the smoke, it was easy to pretend that the woman laying beside him was someone else. 

He still remembered the first time he’d seen Elena at the brothel. One of his other informants — Freckles — had called him over with information. He walked through the backdoor of the house and saw her standing there talking to Freckles. He swore his heart stopped right then and there.

Sure, she wasn’t identical, but there were enough similarities between the two women that he still caught himself doing a double-take. There was something about Elena’s eyes — her smirk and the way she expressed herself. Little mannerisms that reminded him so intimately of her. But Elena’s hair was too dark and her voice was all wrong. 

But for an evening, Javier could pretend. 

“So,” Elena started, tucking a cigarette between her lips as she leaned forward to light it off of his. “Who is she?” She questioned, drawing in a breath of smoke before exhaling as she laid down on the bed beside him.

“What?” 

“I’m not offended, Javi.” She said lightly with a grin, exhaling another breath of smoke as she tilted her head to look at him. “I’m quite comfortable with being a… Oh, what is it called? Ah. A proxy.”

Javier huffed, clenching his cigarette between his lips as he spoke around it. “There isn’t…”

Elena laughed, “Hmm. Well, you certainly said someone’s name.”

His heart clenched in his chest and he looked away from her, his eyes drawn towards the window. “I came here for information. What do you know about the cartel?” He questioned, scratching at the back of his neck. 

“So there is someone.” Elena sat up then, tucking her legs beneath her as she turned to face him. 

Javier shot her a look, “It’s not like that.” Javier insisted, leaning over to the nightstand to sit his cigarette in the ashtray. He scrubbed his hands over his face, sinking back onto the mattress. 

He had almost made a mistake tonight. For a few minutes he’d actually considered it. If Steve hadn’t been there �� if things had been just a little different. He would’ve gone home with her. He would’ve happily been her rebound. But Javier knew better than falling into that shit. 

How was he supposed to roll into work Monday after that? 

“I don’t shit where I eat.” Javier said dryly, his eyes flickering towards Elena as he tucked an arm under his head. 

A grin spread over her lips as her brows rose upwards with amusement, “Is Javier Peña in love with his coworker?” She teased as she took another drag from her cigarette. 

“No.”

“It’s okay to admit that you’re deluding yourself, Javi.” Elena told him as she exhaled, “It’s not as though I’m going to tell her.” She leaned forward, draping her bare body across him as she reached to put her smoldering cigarette beside his in the ashtray. 

Javier groaned quietly, scrubbing his hands over his face as she pulled back. “I care about her, alright? But it’s not like that for her.” He rocked his jaw slowly, grinding his teeth together. “She just got out of a year-long relationship with this CIA guy we’d all been working with.”

“So she has no problem shitting where she eats?” Elena retorted with a smirk. “Sounds promising.” 

Javier shook his head, “Nah. It’s not like that.” It wasn’t. “It’s been two years since she started working with us. She’s a good fucking agent. Better than Murphy and I combined.” 

“I’m sure that’s easy enough.” Elena teased lightly. 

“Don’t.” Javier warned, shaking his head. He couldn’t do the teasing — that was too much like her. The way she’d gently barb him and Steve. He loved that about her. Shit. 

Elena sighed and nodded, “Alright.” She reached out and rested her hand on his chest, fingers brushing over his skin lightly. “So why can’t you be with this co-worker of yours?”

Javier pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek, “She’s too good for me.” He admitted, looking away again. “You should’ve seen this asshole she was with for a year. He was a real straight-laced, pretty boy. He had that southern charm. He fucking hiked!” 

“But she’s not with him anymore.” Elena pointed out. “Who broke up with who?”

He hesitated, “She broke up with him.” 

“So clearly that wasn’t what she wanted.” She stretched out on the bed beside him, propping her chin up on his shoulder. “Javier, what do you have to lose? If you care about her—”

He cut her off, “It’s not like that. Alright? I work with her. Every goddamn day.” Javier set his jaw hard. “I’d rather be her friend. I’m not gonna lose that just cause I want to fuck her.” He rested his hand over Elena’s, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. “It’s not worth it.” 

Elena hummed softly, “Sounds like she means a lot to you.” 

He nodded slowly, dragging his teeth over the inside of his bottom lip. “She’s something else. It’s fucking hilarious too — when they told us this new agent was joining the team, I was fucking pissed. Steve and I had this good thing going, we didn’t need someone cramping our style.” Javier sank back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. “But that first day, she just really proved herself. She was fucking remarkable.” 

“So these feelings aren’t new?” 

“No,” He turned his head to look at Elena, his brows drawn together. “Truth be told, I don’t know what I feel. I just know I care about her.” 

“You care about her enough to say her name during sex, Javi”

Javier dragged his hand over his face, sighing heavily as he felt his cheeks burn in response to her words. “Yeah. I guess I do.” He conceded, “But in my defense you…”

“What?” Elena arched a brow, “What about me?”

“You look like her.” He admitted.

“Excuse me?” She let out an incredulous laugh. “You’re joking, Javi.” 

He pinched at the bridge of his nose, sighing heavily. “It’s not a perfect match, but…” Javier lifted her hand off his chest, moving to get out of the bed and find his jeans where they were discarded on the floor.

“You’re going to quickly become my favorite client, Javier.” Elena teased. “This is fascinating.” 

Javier snorted, glancing back at her over his shoulder. “Happy to entertain, Elena.” He rolled his eyes as he turned his attention back to his jeans, pulling his wallet out of the back pocket. “This is what she looks like.” He told her, passing her the picture he kept folded into his wallet.

Elena’s brows drew together as she took the picture from him. “Holy shit.” 

“Do you see it?”

She laughed, “Yeah, I see you keep a picture of her in your wallet!” She lifted her gaze to meet his, “She’s pretty.” 

A faint smile spread over his lips. “Yeah, she is.” The picture had been taken about six months after she’d started working with them. They’d wasted the last picture on the roll just to grab a shot of the three of them on their stakeout. She had her arm slung around his shoulders, leaning into his side while Steve fussed with jumping into the frame before the timer on the camera went off. 

Elena held the photo up beside her face, trying to match the expression in the shot. “Well?”

Javier nodded slowly, looking between the two. “It’s not exact, but…” He shrugged his shoulders, reaching out to take the picture back from Elena. He stared down at it, brushing his thumb over her image. “I should’ve told you.” 

“I’m not naive, Javier. I don’t believe that anyone fucks me for me.” She gave him an unamused look, before she moved to drape her arms over his shoulders, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. “You’re one of my better clients, as it is.” 

He chuckled quietly, curling his fingers around her arms and rubbing his thumbs over her skin. “Still.” Maybe he was old fashioned, but it felt wrong. “You’re sweet, Elena.” 

She rested her chin on his shoulder, playing her fingers through his hair. “You’re quite sweet yourself, Javier.” Elena told him. “I’m a little jealous this partner of yours has all you wrapped around her finger and doesn’t even know.” 

Javier snorted. “Like I said. I’m not fucking it up with her.” He turned his head and pressed a kiss to Elena’s cheek. “And on that note, perhaps we should discuss what you know…” 

Elena pulled away from him. She repositioned herself on the bed, fluffing her hair so it fanned out neatly beneath her as she sank back onto the pillow. She bit down on her bottom lip, humming thoughtfully. “Trading information is a rather dangerous business, Javi… I might need a little more convincing.” 

He smirked, “Name your price.” 

She ran her thumb over her bottom lip, “Tell me more about this partner of yours.”

“Elena.”

“Who else are you going to talk to about this?” She questioned, batting her lashes at him. “I don’t mind if you pretend I’m her.”

“I’m not going to.” Javier said firmly. “It was a mistake to come here tonight. I almost—“ He hung his head. “I could’ve gone home with her tonight. But I don’t wanna be rebound.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “It would’ve felt predatory. She’s pretending she’s not sad over him, but if you’d seen her… I wasn’t going to take advantage.”

“You’re a good man, Javier.”

“I’m not.”

“If you don’t want to be her rebound, what do you want to be?”

Javier stared at her, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I don’t know.” He admitted. “I just wanna be there for her.”

“Even as just a friend?”

He nodded, “Yeah. I meant what I said. I’m not fucking this up.” As much as he wanted her, he knew better than to pursue something. He wasn’t wired for what she deserved. He’d already prepared himself for her to inevitably end up with Lance for the long run, but… clearly he’d misjudged that. 

“She’s lucky to have you then.” Elena said softly. “I hope she realizes how lucky she is.”

“I don’t need her to.” Javier shook his head, chewing on his bottom lip. “I’ll get over it. Whatever this bullshit I feel is.”

“You don’t just get over love, Javier.”

“Yeah, I know.”

And she didn’t feel like the kind of person he could just get over, either. Not when she took up so much space in his brain. Two years and he already defaulted to thinking about conversations he wanted to have with her. What stupid telenovela he’d caught last night. 

He’d missed all of that, while Lance had taken up residency in her life. It was a small victory that he’d have more of her back. God, he was a greedy fuck. 

Here he was, fucking a hooker because she looked like her, all the whole feeling pride over the fact that she’d dumped her boyfriend. 

That alone was why she deserved better than him. 

Javier really hoped, whoever she went home with tonight, realized just how lucky he was. 

[mcheang]

To live without a heart

Warning: this has Adrien salt in it.

Upset by all the emotions that have caused havoc in her life, Marinette decides to use a spell that Master Fu translated that will seal away any romantic feelings she has.

Once that is done, she no longer feels heartache over Adrien.

She no longer feels jealous about Kagami, Chloe and Lila.

She can actually hold a conversation with Adrien.

Marinette has become far more logical. She still has emotions but they are more muted. She no longer gets excited.

The new Marinette doesn’t get bothered about Lila’s lies anymore and only calmly points out the flaws in them. When her friends don’t believe her, Marinette just shrugs it off.

When Chloe bullies Marinette, she just doesn’t care and is only annoyed. She gives Chloe a look, like are you done yet?

When Alya gets excited about Ladybug theories, Marientte calmly disagrees, pointing out the Ladyblog would be endangering Ladybug.

Even her banters with Chat have lessened.

Luka notices something is wrong immediately. Marinette’s melody has grown muted.

And it’s true. Marinette no longer has creative inspiration. She relies on old sketches that still become instant hits. But these will run out sooner or later.

To break the spell, just give her true love’s kiss.

Chat eventually figured out Marinette’s secret identity but she isn’t bothered by it.

Chat demands to know what she did and Marinette explains the spell but not the cure.

Chat is baffled and asked why she did that.

Marinette admits she is tired of making mistakes because of her crush. It became too painful to pine after him, it became painful with how low she had sunk because of her jealousy, and it became painful when his betrayals hurt more than her other friends.

Chat asks who.

Unashamed, Marinette admits she liked Adrien Agreste. Only now without her emotions blinding her, she wondered what she had ever saw in him because now she only thought of him as insensitive, unreliable, and naive.

Chat is baffled and then hurt. He points out that Ladybug is losing her touch, that her creativity is running dry. Is giving up her crush worth losing what she loves doing?

Ladybug pauses at that.

Then Chat continues, asking what Adrien had done to hurt her so much.

1. let’s see, he was the only one unaware of her crush on him because everyone knew about it. (Chat is humiliated at his ignorance) and thus did not find it awkward to ask her to plan a date with him and Kagami.

2. He actually had the gall to model with Lila after the latter got her expelled. He had to be asked to defend her at school. And for weeks, he has let his class be manipulated by that liar. Let’s just say Adrien is never reliable when it comes to bullies. He likes to sweep the hurt under the rug and ignore it, hoping it would go away.

At that point, Chat asks Marinette to stop because he doesn’t think he can stand anymore of her criticism.

He reminds her to think of her job as Ladybug. If she dislikes Adrien ignoring the problem, isn’t she doing the same thing? Trying to bury her feelings instead of moving on.

Ladybug sees his point but admits she feels scared because of how alone she had felt before at school. She always tries to please people: her crush, her teacher, her friends. She’s tired of taking the blame and guilt when she believes she is in the right to say no, or for her actions. She wants Chloe to be punished for her vandalism without being told to forgive her, she wants to expose Lila without being told to save the Liar’s face, and she wants to sit in her seat without being blamed for being inconsiderate by her hypocritical classmates.

Ladybug reveals the cure and wonders how to get it. She could ask either Adrien or Luka or Chat.

Chat gently kisses her and breaks the spell because he still loved her.

Marinette starts weeping as her emotions return. She finally recalls what she loved about Adrien. She fell in love with the kind, gentle, and thoughtful boy.

Chat listens eagerly, partly to heal his damaged self-esteem.

1. Adrien likes giving horrible people second chances. Chloe, Lila, even her when she wrongly accused him.

2. Adrien isn’t really the kind of person to get angry. He could have hated her for rashly judging him, and instead he tried again to make a Friend.

3. He loaned her his umbrella (though to be fair he had a ride home and didn’t know she lived nearby)

Along with the feeling of love, Marinette now recalls what it means to be broken-hearted, and weeps in Chat’s arms.

When she cools down, Marinette thanks Chat for helping her to see sense. Chat asks what she is going to do regarding Adrien.

Marinette sighs. “What I should have done in the first place. I need to confess and get it out of my system.”

One good thing came out of this though, Marinette finally admits Adrien has flaws and proclaims his high road is stupid. She will gather evidence and prove Lila’s a liar.

Chat encourages Marinette to ask Adrien for help. She is very, very skeptical. The boy hates conflict.

Chat coaxes Marinette to give Adrien a chance to prove once and for all whose side he is on.

The next day at school, Marinette confesses to Adrien before declaring she is going on a boy hiatus. She wants to clear her heart and just be free of that burden.

Adrien understands but admits that Chat confronted him yesterday. Adrien reveals he forced Lila to get Marinette back to school. He asked Marinette to let him support her in exposing Lila. But Marinette is doubtful, because she doesn’t him to help only because a hero pressured him to.

Adrien protests that Chat didn’t do anything to persuade him. He already knew Lila had to be stopped once she framed Marinette. He only apologizes that he never took the initiative. Adrien pleads that Marinette let him redeem himself.

Marinette has to take a deep breath and remind herself of her hiatus. She agrees.

Together, Marinette and Adrien talk to the class when Lila is absent at another video game contest (she had gloated about her high scores to Max but naturally was lying). Marinette calls Jagged as Adrien explains Ladybug herself called Lila out. When the class is skeptical and wonder if Marinette put Adrien up to this, he vehemently defends her until Jagged is out on loudspeaker.

Lila becomes a social pariah.

From that point on, Adrien was respectful to give Marinette her space. He gently let down Chloe and Kagami. He refused to do any more joint shoots with Lila. Adrien usually supports Marinette in whatever. He may not be pursuing Ladybug right now, but that doesn’t mean he has stopped loving her, nor does it mean he won’t stop trying to be worthy of her.

Marinette is happy to let go of her crush and just focus on her own happiness. In time, she will be open her heart again to the possibility of romance, but not just yet, and maybe it will be someone new.

[evisamora]

I am talking about suicide so if you don’t like it and it’s a sensible subject for you just scroll.

Catra is the character the more interesting of She-Ra and the princess of power in my opinion. We love her, we hate her and then we love her again.

Well, I won’t enter the discourse about her being in an abusive environment because if you didn’t understand that about her, I guess you missed the important of the show.

I want to talk about how Catra makes me feel all season 3. It might be a little deep, but I guess I can’t help myself to see it that way.

For me, this season, Catra was suicidal. Yes, she wanted to kill herself.

Actually, she wanted to disappear and feel nothing. You know like people who takes drugs to stop feeling things at the point to overdose?

Catra was in the same situation this season except her drugs was the portal and the false reality of being with Adora. 

Oh god I can’t believe I am writing this right now.

Ok, as we know Catra lost everything that matters for her.

She lost her bestfriend/lovers/crush/the only person she was seeing as a family

Adora was a big part for Catra life and esteem. She was her bestfriend and she was seeing a big future together. No one really liked Catra except Adora who accepted her. Don’t get me wrong but losing my best friend will make me in a big depression situation without even noticing.

Adora and Catra was not in a good relation even before she left the Horde, because Adora was Catra’s world.

Adora was everything for Catra. Catra was only following Adora’s dream, she had the same opinion as her, she was relying on her to get power so she can finally leave  her position of Cadet. She was relying on Adora to be happy. Catra didn’t have her life, her personality and her identity as a person.  AND I think this is the BIGGEST problem of the show that lead Catra where she is now. 

Plus, before Adora left, Catra didn’t need power as long these two has each other. 

In season1 and season2, Catra wants to make Adora old dreams come true to show her what she is missing and what they could have been and make her regret her decision to leave her for the Rebellion. She wanted to show Adora the happiness she will miss by leading the Horde to the victory.  The point is not to beat Adora, the point is to make Adora regret and the only way to do that is winning the war.

BUT

After Hordak sent her in Crimson Waste to die, she realize that she can’t win and make this/Adora’s/her dream come true.  And this is how she starts to see herself as not worth and a loser. She lost a big part of who is she when Adora left. She is becoming more empty and angry as the series goes.  But without this dream, what is the point of living? If she can’t win once what’s the point of trying? The thing is, even if Catra succeed, she will never be happy in someone else dream. She need to find what Catra wants. 

So that’s why when Adora left, Catra took it so personal. She doesn’t have anythig to rely on anymore. And that’s the reason why she is still trying to make Adora’s dream come true, because they build this future together and deep inside her she wants this to happen. In season 3, Catra seems to realize this will never happens.

Hordak lost her trust in her. In another words, she lost power

Don’t get me wrong, but Hordak is only a toy for Catra. Like yes he is the boss, but she just wants him to respect her to have more power to finally defeat Adora.

All that Catra know is more you have power, more you are respected. The Horde showed her, Shadow Weaver showed her by always being mean to her and showing affection to Adora who was more strong than her.

And again, the Crimson Waste showed her. When she defeated the lizzard guy/Tung Lashor, she got appreciation by the people there. Plus let’s not forget the famous rule number 1 : The strong makes the rules.

 She lost her place to Hordak because of one mistake

it’s like losing her honor. Plus, she fight so hard to get where she was. Losing her power is losing her respect in the Horde. The power in Horde is like the money in a society capitalist. It’s essential for you to survive. And Catra lost all her money.

Losing her power make her less close to reach the dream she built with Adora and less close to lead the Horde to the victory. 

The only person who could have give her the recognition she needed betrayed her for Adora. Yes, I am talking about Shadow Weaver.

Even if Shadow Weaver wasn’t a good person with Catra, she is still the person for who Catra will search to prove herself.

I think proving Shadow Weaver that she is worth was one of her personal goal that was making her worth to live. 

Catra was already struggling with Adora leaving the Horde, so having Shadow Weaver leaving her for Adora was too much for Catra. 

What I think is interesting is that Catra will use Glimmer’s words to describe why Shadow Weaver left her. Glimmer told her that Adora wanted to get away from her, and I think these words really hurt Catra to the point to think that she will see herself as not important anymore that she could disappear and no one will care.

This picture, the last one, as so much power. Like wow. I want to hug you so bad Catra.

So, now that we have everything settle and the situation, this is why I see Catra being suicidal

Let’s start by, Catra doesn’t want help. She will isolate herself and try to be alone. 

She doesn’t trust others and doesn’t want to deal with others.

Now she won’t see relationship/friendship worth anymore. She will try to get away from people who cares about her the most possible.

Another thing, is Catra doesn’t care anymore and nothing matters about anything. And it’s a phrase she will repeat so much during s3.

Plus, Catra doesn’t see herself worth something anymore. For her, she lost everything that matters for being happy. 

Catra doesn’t want to be happy. If you guys think Catra search happiness, all are fool.  After Scorpia tell her they have fun in the Crimson Waste, the face she made before saying ; Oh yeah it is, it’s this one. 

I don’t know about you, but for me it’s someone who caught herself being happy and feel like she doesn’t deserve it. Plus, this face came back when Scorpia had a converstion about staying in the Crimson Waste because it is the first time she saw her really happy and she hates the Horde.

Plus the only thing she found to stop talking about it is to go see Adora. Like to give her a bigger reason to hate her life.

Not only that, but because being a leader is not Catra dreams!  So even staying in the Crimson Waste will have not make her happy. Plus she will just have left an abusive environment to another abusive one.  Crimson Waste work the same way as the Horde: The strong makes the rules. You will have power if people fear you. 

The point of no return was hit when Catra learns that Shadow Weaver left her for Adora. We can see after that that her expression change. 

Even after knowing that the portal will kill them all, Catra is still willing to “win” and to open it.

She wants them down. Now she is in pain more than anything and I think her goal is not to win but to feel nothing anymore and her fast and only way she find it it’s by opening the portal. 

Catra lost her way to reasoning, she doesn’t have the instinct to survive. Everyone is against the idea, and I am pretty sure even Hordak would have not opening it knowing it could have kill them all. 

I think this sentence is pretty strong in Catra’s mouth. Let’s end this. At first I thought; Let’s end the Rebellion, Let’s end the war, but she knows that the portal will kill them. So this is more let’s end the pain.

Ok, I know that Catra comes back as a “corrupted one”, but at this moment, I am pretty sure Catra didn’t know she was coming back and let’s be honest, the last picture show at the point dying is not something that she is afraid. 

Catra lost her reason to live and she wants to end the pain. She wants to disappear. She prefer destroying the world by herself and do it herself than having someone hurting her again. 

Catra needs to find her own identity and find what she really wants to finally find her reason to live. 

I might be too deep, but I don’t think I am wrong because she gives a lot of signal that she wants to disappear. Plus, never, never underestimate this kind of signal. Even if you think it’s not serious or not strong enough. It’s not because this is not strong enough for you that it’s not for the person. Everyone is different and everyone will show it on a different way. 

Anyway it took me 4 days to write this. Hope guys will enjoy. 

[myfandomrambles]

Adora, Catra & Trauma (Pt3)

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 4)

Full Show

An Analysis of the way Catra & Adora are affected by their respective traumatic experiences.

Relationship To Primary Abuser

Catra

Catra bases her identity around Shadow Weaver second only to Adora in power she has over her emotional states. Shadow Weaver abused Catra for essentially her entire life through psychological, emotional, and physical ways. We see her use her magic to immobilize Catra, terrorize her, and physical grab Catra throughout the show.

Starting from a young age she insulted and degraded Catra and said Catra's worth is based on rather Adora wants her. A key quote stated in Promise (1x11 ) 

Shadow Weaver:“You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me! I've kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you, but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself.” 

 I believe this sets up the main dynamic better than anything.

Catra sees herself as worth nothing to Shadow Weaver, as only existing in relation to Adora and as always under threat. Catra deeply internalized this view of only mattering in how she measures up to Adora but continuously wanted to be more than a nuisance to Shadow Weaver. Catra is constantly pulled when it comes to shadow weaver between wanting love and being afraid, the essence of her disorganised attachment.

Up until Catra gained the right-hand man status to Hordak she was consistently in fear of Shadow Weaver. And afterwards, she didn't stop basing her worth on Shadow Weaver's perceptions.

Starting in season one Shadow Weaver and Catra show a mostly typical older child and abusive parent dynamic. Catra is willing to test boundaries but only so much. In  The Sword pt 2 (1x02 ) she says 

Catra: “Shadow Weaver is freaking out. It'd be funny if she weren't such a terrible person ” 

showing she has accepted and can have humour about the situation. This continues for a while in  The Beacon (1x10)  we see dissonance all at once saying she doesn’t need Shadow Weaver, seeks her approval, and even tries to offer comfort to Shadow Weaver.

In  Light Hope (1x12)  we see the first milestone in this dynamic with Catra overtaking Shadow Weaver in the social hierarchy. However, this doesn’t change the fact that Catra still feels a need to be close to Shadow Weaver and to base her value off of her. She continuously goes to talk to Shadow Weaver to try and prove she’s become better but only ends up with Catra subjecting herself to more of Shadow Weaver’s abuse.

In Signals (2x03) she bases what she should be doing off of what Shadow Weaver would have done. 

Catra “I bet Shadow Weaver didn’t have to deal with any of this"  

After this she goes to Shadow Weaver for the answers. Her stated autonomy isn’t present and we see Catra still seeing Shadow Weaver as the proper adult.

One of the most impactful moments takes place in  Light Spinner (2x06). In this episode, we see Catra deeply needs Shadow Weaver to love her and is protective over her mother. We can see Catra’s fear and unresolved attachment needs from her childhood fighting over how she should act. She has spent this season setting and then breaking her boundaries due to deeply wanting to be loved and respected. Catra is easily manipulated by Shadow Weaver’s semi-kind words and some of the only soft-touch she gets [before reuniting with Adora in season 5].

When Catra confronts Shadow Weaver Catra asks the questions every abused kid wants to ask:

"Why was I treated like that?" and "why was I never good enough?"

Shadow Weaver's response is one that is so common and destructive. "I suffered, so I think that’s what you ought to as well," and “You were never as good as your sibling” or in this case Adora.

Catra rejects some of this explanation and then returns another abused child question: "what could I have done? I was just a kid"

Shadow Weaver mostly brushes this question and Shadow Weaver maintains her power by knowing her child so well. Shadow Weaver hits where it hurts, pointing out that she's being made second best and replaced again. She plays on Catra feeling less than and being so scared of being abandoned to get what she wanted, a way out. This breaks Catra's resolve strongly; we see her spiral through hypervigilance, anxiety and depression.

We see how much this affected Catra when Adora’s explained Shadow Weaver went to the bright moon in Once Upon a Time in the Waste (3x03 ). Catra interprets this as Shadow Weaver abandoning her for Adora triggering a dissociative episode and leading into her suicide/homicide attempt.

The next time we see them together is in  Failsafe (5x11) . Catra’s immediate reaction to her being there is to move into hyperarousal of fight mode and then into flight and freeze. She is afraid and angry still, but she has finally put up more of a barrier, however, her presence still causes Catra to fear the loss of Adora.

Catra is deeply triggered by the touch of Shadow Weaver and it leaves her in a state of heightened flight response. This experience also brings out her older protective instincts we saw in season 1 and late-season 2 due to the way she knows Adora can get hurt like she’s been hurt by Shadow Weaver. Catra overhears what she thinks is Adora giving into Shadow Weaver setting up the next set of actions in  The Heart pt 1&2 (5x12-13) . Causing Catra to leave due to the manipulation she knows she’s experiencing.

When they next meet Catra is fully able to stand up to her stating it was no longer about her, a very strong statement. Even if she is still clearly hurt by the abandonment. Shadow Weaver is willing to help due to complex reasons, wanting to save the world as that’s the “side” she chose, and some degree of responsibility for her daughters even if it's twisted and more about performing and then anything resembling love. Catra is affected by this crying at the loss of her mother. We don’t get to know much about this fallout but it would be as complex as the history of adult children of abusive parents usually are.

Adora

Adora's relationship to Shadow Weaver, her mother and commander, is characterized by manipulation, fear and agitation. Shadow Weaver made her the golden child, the next hero and leader, responsible for others way too early and as an object to be used for power. All of these became the core ideas and schemas that Adora built her life on.

Adora lacked direct physical/magical abuse from Shadow Weaver but experienced a severe psychological and emotional abuse. An example is her being forced to watch and being blamed for the physical/magical abuse of Catra (Promise 1x11) . During their childhood, we see that the abuse worked to internalise the views of shadow weaver which gave Shadow Weaver an intense and continuous force in her life even when not present.

In  The Sword pt1 (1x01)  we see how Shadow Weaver wanted her to be the next force captain and believed her to be the best of the children she raised. We can tell Adora wanted to be the best having internalized these desires. Adora believed what she was taught wholesale on the ideological front as well and losing that belief when seeing the harm of war causes the first rupture in her connection to Shadow Weaver.

In the Shadows of Mystacor (1x07) has a few key moments. One is Adora admitting Shadow Weaver did “mom stuff” which shows Adora understands Shadow Weaver as her primary attachment figure, ie the mother. Another key moment of this episode is Adora rejecting Shadow Weaver’s control for the first time. She verbally states her autonomy, affirms that the pain is not her fault and that Shadow Weaver shouldn’t get to decide her life. Adora physically fights Shadow Weaver off and protects her new life, something that is one of the most powerful moments in their relationship. This is a rejection of not only her abuser but the life she was taught to want. She is choosing a new healthier life. This is solidified in after the confrontation she allows her friends to support her.

In No Princess Left Behind (1x09) Adora is physically assaulted and violated mentally by her mother figure. This is an attempt to try and bring her back under control. Something we know she has been trying to do this whole time, a very visceral moment of how much Shadow Weaver believed she owned Adora. This is a harsh and traumatic event for Adora.

We don’t see them interact together fully until  The Price of Power (3x01).  We see Adora be willing to help Shadow Weaver both due to her ingrained responsibility and she doesn’t want to see her mother figure die. Adora also needs to know what’s going on and Adora is scared to not have some control in the situation. This fear of being out of control brings Adora to interact with her abuser.

Adora is also more confident that she won’t be directly manipulated anymore. She has learned most of Shadow Weaver's tactics and isn’t vulnerable enough for them to work. The conversation they have here shows this personal growth Adora has experienced.

Shadow Weaver: “I knew you were different. You were...”

Adora: “- Special? No, what you always told me was that I didn't matter. I was special only as long as I obeyed you.”

However, the conversations between them also break the precarious hold on some sense of self Adora gained over the past through SHadow Weaver revealing she is a first one. This adds self confusion and distances her from others. This is important because her connection to others is the most powerful grounding tool Adra has learned to have.

Throughout this season Adora is continually agitated and stressed about Shadow Weaver being allowed in her safe space of Bright Moon. In Pulse (4x04) we see Adora be upset about Glimmer having asked for magic help from Shadow Weaver. She is understandably afraid of Shadow Weaver’s power and is scared of losing another friend to the damage Shadow Weaver caused. Shadow Weaver is a walking trigger to her childhood trauma leaving her implicit memories of shadow weaver as a figure of pain, magic as bad and both as a threat to friends on continuously.

In Princess Scorpia (4x06) Shadow Weaver continues to cause problems for Adora even when not there as her Black and White thinking on magic and will to keep shadow weaver from having control feed into the relational struggles Adora and Glimmer are having.

In Mer-Mysteries (4x07) we see Adora and Shadow Weaver interact and Adora is sure that Shadow Weaver is the spy and is in deep pain over the fact she believes she is hurting Glimmer. However, we see them take Shadow Weaver’s advice because even Adora can admit Shadow Weaver is great at manipulating others.

We see their next big moments in Failsafe (5x11) Shadow Weaver is willing to use Adora as a tool again, just like she had done her whole life. Shadow Weaver also works hard to break down any sense of autonomy Adora has and her newly healed connection to Catra, someone who would push back on Shadow Weaver in the most knowing way. These acts are harmful and while Adora tries to push back on Shadow Weaver multiple times the painful truth is that Shadow Weaver still has a power over her. While her attempts to use the comfort/assault patterns fail, Adora does need to try and save Etheria so the internal and external objectification continues.

In  Heart pt 1 (5x12) we see Adora talking with the mirage of Mara. Mara is trying to get Adora to want to stay alive, to have self-worth, to take her own needs into account and to give herself grace. Adora herself is arguing back that she doesn’t have value on her own, she only matters in how she can be useful to others. Adora’s words echo Shadow Weaver of her having to be She-Ra and that she should be willing to die for it. Adora’s carrying this self-harming objectified view within her and it’s so defining of their dynamic.

This story ends in Shadow Weaver’s death, a complicated moment where Adora is clearly devastated by what happens and was almost helped by Shadow Weaver to be able to use the failsafe. The complications show through in her losing her mother, almost dying herself, and in an abuser doing one nice thing. This moment is complicated visually, narratively and relationally and is a good incapsulation of the lack of resolve abusive relationships with adult children can feel.

[A Word on “redemption” of Shadow Weaver

I don't believe shadow weaver is redeemed or a good person for her sacrifice. I think her reasons were complex but I don't believe she has ever had or a healthy love for her "daughters". I don't think we should consider this worthy of having forgiveness for her actions based on one singular action. Once action doesn't outweigh years of abuse and trauma.]

[neuxue]

Wheel of Time liveblogging: Towers of Midnight ch 6

Morgase serves tea and makes a choice

Chapter 6: Questioning Intentions

Oh man Morgase POV is always sad.

Though I suppose her situation now is arguably better than it’s been in���oh…ten books or so, so maybe it will get better for her.

Right now, she’s serving tea.

Tam al’Thor, the simple farmer with the broad shoulders and the calm manners.

And also your in-law. Well, sort of. I mean, it’s complicated.

Okay sorry now I’m distracted by the thought of how absurd those family dinners would be. You’ve got Rand, Elayne, Min, and Aviendha (we’re just going to count that bonding as a marriage because to all intents and purposes…), then Tam, Morgase, Min’s aunts (are they alive? Why can I not remember this?), probably Amys given the sister-bonding ceremony, and if she’s there Rhuarc and Lian probably would be as well. Then Birgitte and Niella and Galad and Gawyn, and that’s just the immediate family but would you also have to extend a courtesy invite to Alanna, and therefore also Ihvon? And if we’re extending courtesy invites based on ‘has real estate in Rand’s head’ then we’ve got to invite Moridin as well, and at that point even without additional plus-ones I don’t envy the person who has to make that seating chart.

That was a tangent.

Of course, Morgase had seen Rand al’Thor once, and the boy hadn’t looked much more than a farmer himself.

Okay I do sort of want to be a fly on the wall when Morgase finds out that Elayne is pregnant with his child.

Speaking of seating charts, we get a roll call for this meeting but it does not add up to 23. Yes I will be looking for that everywhere now.

Very little about that time in her life made sense to her now. Had she really been so infatuated with a man that she’d banished Aemlyn and Ellorien?

Oh Morgase. If she can get one thing out of this mess, let it be the knowledge of who Gaebril really was. Because sure, sometimes it’s better not to know. But one of the cruellest things he did to her, in that whole mess of cruelty, was to leave her with absolutely no way of knowing this was not, truly, all her fault. He took away her self, her trust in and certainty of who she is. He undermined her nation and banished her friends and made her believe, even after his death, that it was by her hand and by her choice.

As if the physical and mental violation wasn’t enough. He found a way to violate her on another level as well, by twisting her own sense of herself, by leaving behind a ruin and leaving her no way to understand that it wasn’t of her own making. The Queen is married to the land, and for all she knows, she has betrayed that in every possible way, and she can’t possibly know that her choices were not her own.

Knowing that it wasn’t her choice, and that there was nothing she could have done… I mean that won’t be fun either, but it would at least give her something of her self back.

Meanwhile, Perrin’s annoyed at how long it took the Wise Ones and Aes Sedai to burn that village. Listen, people, you can’t keep judging these things by Rand. Just because he could take out a city in a matter of seconds doesn’t mean everyone can. Do I need to invent more units of measurement here? The Therin: potential mountains created or destroyed per unit of time.

“You wetlanders would have much trouble dealing with something as deadly as the Blight.”

“I think,” Faile said, “that you would be surprised.”

Yeah. Also don’t say that in Lan’s hearing.

Oddly, Faile’s sense of leadership seemed to have been enhanced by her time spent with the Shaido.

Nope, sorry, still not here for halfhearted attempts to pretend that storyline was All For Her Benefit, Actually. Especially because if we do take that on faith, it leads to some… okay no I’m not rehashing all my issues with the Malden plotline here; none of us need that.

Suffice it to say: ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

At times, being a servant seemed to require more stealth than being a scout. She wasn’t to be seen, wasn’t to distract. Had her own servants acted this way around her?

Morgase and Siuan could have an interesting conversation about dramatic changes in social and political status in a short space of time. And also, you know, extreme trauma and other fun pastimes, but especially the way they both then look at and try to come to terms with their new situations. They both do the same sort of thing of looking at all the ways in which they can still exercise power, only more subtly. The advantages of being overlooked and underestimated. And some of it is likely a kind of denial—a way to not feel like everything they knew and everything they were is lost. To try to focus on the advantages because that makes it hurt less. And the way in which they approach that is the politician’s way: turn it to your advantage, look for lines of power that weren’t there before. And also to think through the implications, and see things they may once have overlooked.

It's a hell of a price to pay for a change in perspective, but the fact that she can look at it that way, and think along some of those lines, is in its way a testament to her capability.

It discomforted her that the two Aes Sedai no longer seemed to resist their station.

Pretty sure we’re not really talking about the Aes Sedai here, Morgase. Because this is the other side of that acceptance of a new role: the fear that, in accepting it, she will lose what remains of herself. Oh look, we’re back to that central idea of identity and self and what it means to hold or lose or change that, and the fine balance between those possibilities.

Pouring tea was more complicated than she’d ever assumed.

This is something Jordan occasionally did as well: centring a chapter—especially one told from the viewpoint of a more minor character—around a motif or touchpoint like this, returning to it as a way of anchoring the rest of the chapter, and giving it more shape, especially when much of it is introspection or observation rather than action. Ornaments comes to mind, from Crossroads of Twilight, but there are quite a few others.

And of course I’m never going to complain about tea being used as a device for focusing a chapter.

It gives us a point from which to segue into Morgase’s thoughts on Perrin, which boil down to a solid ‘it’s complicated’. Mostly because by the standards of the Queen of Andor, he’s technically a rebel.

Alliandre’s cup was half empty. Morgase moved over to refill it; like many highborn ladies, Alliandre always expected her cup to be full.

And so we see the function of the tea: it’s a focal point for the chapter, but more than that it’s the method we’re using to get Morgase’s thoughts about and insights into the various people gathered here. Little bits of character and personality in… not so much how they take their tea, but the considerations around it. The things Morgase has to think about and keep track of, even for so simple a task. And so we get insight into Morgase’s new role as well, and into some of what she’s learning: that even in a position where she is largely unnoticed, there is a great deal she can and must see, and know, and understand about those around her. To pick up on those cues and know what they mean, and how that gives her insight into far more than how they take their tea.

Morgase was no longer the person she had once been. She wasn’t sure what she was, but she would learn how to do her duty as a lady’s maid. This was becoming a passion for her. A way to prove to herself that she was still strong, still of value.

In a way, it was terrifying that she worried about that.

And really fucking sad. But also entirely true to who she is and her situation. She’s lost everything. Her role, her nation, her friends, her sense of self, her sense of autonomy, her name, her identity. And she believes most of it to be her own fault, through her own poor choices and decisions. And now she’s here, under a new name and a new role and everyone believing the person she was to be dead, and Morgase herself came pretty close to making that true. How could she not feel lost, and uncertain of who she is, and desperate to prove that she’s still…someone. To prove that she was right to let Lini draw her away from that open window. Which, yeah, that gets dark fast, but Morgase’s story is not a happy one.

With all she has lost and all she can no longer be, she’s left in this space of not really knowing her purpose, or her place, or even who she is, anymore. And that’s hard enough, but then we add in all the self-loathing stemming from what she thinks she did, and failed to do, and the choices she’s had to make, and you end up here: with Morgase struggling to find any sense of self-worth. And so believing she has to prove—to herself, to others—that she is worth something, because there’s so much in her mind telling her she’s…not.

Meanwhile, Perrin still seems to think he can just send everyone home and everything will go back to normal. Speaking of denial.

“I’m not trying to recruit,” Perrin said. “Just because I don’t turn them away doesn’t mean I intend to enlarge this army any further.”

That sounds oddly like Lan’s resignation to Nynaeve recruiting him an army on a technicality. The difference being Lan at least recognises that’s what’s happening.

Perrin please.

“I didn’t make this banner,” Perrin said. “I never wanted it, but—upon advice—I let it fly. Well, the reasons for doing that are past. I’d order the thing taken down, but that never seems to work for long.” He looked to Wil. “Wil, I want it passed through camp. I’m giving a direct order. I want each and every copy of this blasted banner burned. You understand?”

Two steps forward and one step back.

I mean, I suppose you could make an argument on either side of this: on the one hand seriously, Perrin? You have been trying to deny this banner and your place as leader of these people for nine books now. Has it ever worked for you before? And do you really want to take away that focal point, that symbol to these people of what they’re fighting for and who they’re loyal to and why?

On the other hand… giving up his claim to Manetheren wasn’t a popular decision but I think it was the right one, because it helped focus them on what was truly important and prevent unnecessary tension between those who should be allies, by getting mixed up in the politics of raising a dead nation from the land of existing ones. And you could maybe argue that this is a similar angle, and that he’s trying to get them to focus not on him but on the larger purpose they all need to serve. But that feels like I’m trying too hard.

So, in summary: sigh.

Faile is also very much not convinced. I do sort of get where Perrin’s coming from, that if these people want to fight, they can do so for the Dragon Reborn because he’s the actual champion of the Light. But in reality, delegation is important, Perrin! That’s why you have a place in this as well! That’s why the Pattern dumped leadership superpowers and also wolves on you! Someone needs to actually do the groundwork of leading these people and Rand doesn’t have time or capacity for all of it.

And these people know you, Perrin. You’re the one they chose to follow; Rand is… well, as in so many things, more a force than a person at this point, in the eyes of most. They can fight for his cause, sure, but they’re not really fighting for him the way they’ll fight for the one who helped save their village or their people, and the one they see day to day and choose to give their loyalty to.

“Son,” Tam addressed Perrin, “the lads put a lot of stock in that banner.”

That pretty much says it all. This isn’t a time to be taking that kind of symbol from people, or messing unnecessarily with their sense of identity, or their foundations. In a weird way I’m reminded of Egwene’s approach with the Aes Sedai, and all her thoughts on how to reforge the Tower without breaking it. Making some compromises where needed because while there are some places where she can push, she can’t afford to completely shatter their sense of who they are. Not now, when there’s so little time.

And with Perrin, it’s that same sense of… work with what you have. Forge the metal you’re given. This is the situation, and maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s what you have. That loyalty is a part of the toolset you’ve been handed, so see it for what it is and work with it rather than trying to force it into a different shape and risk breaking the metal entirely.

Literally no one thinks this is a good idea.

“Husband,” Faile said, her words clipped. “Might I suggest that we begin with the ones who want to be sent away?”

And so it comes down, like so much else, to choices; Perrin wants to send them away but these people have chosen to follow him. He’s not keeping them here; they’ve decided to stay. And yes, you can flip that around and say he should also have the choice not to lead, and… yeah, okay, that’s a bit like how Rand technically has the choice not to fight. It’s a choice but not one either of them could really live with themselves for making, and so it becomes a question of framing and perception.

But also, Perrin does lead. When it comes down to it, he takes on that role. That is the choice he makes, over and over, in the moment. It’s in the time between those moments of action, when he is his own worst enemy in a way: he doubts and he fights against it and he looks back on past choices and questions himself and his role and his purpose. In the moment, he leads and he fights and he uses what he has. But in these periods of inaction he thinks himself into a tangle of ‘I’m only a blacksmith’, even when all his actions say otherwise. He just needs to get to a point where he can acknowledge and accept and own that.

Instead, he keeps wavering. And keeps trying to make it stick, but he’s trying to make the choice for those who follow him, rather than making his own choice, and so it doesn’t work.

The Pattern’s bringing maths into it now as well: they literally can’t keep large enough gateways open long enough to send everyone away. A hint, Perrin. Take it.

“Also,” Faile said, “perhaps it is time to send messengers to contact the Lord Dragon”

Someone suggesting proactive communication? If we didn’t already know the apocalypse was near…

“I…” Perrin seemed to flounder. Had he a source of information he wasn’t sharing?

Morgase. Please. Do you even need to ask? Does anyone in this series share anything?

Though in this case ‘I see swirls of colour and sometimes a bit of context whenever I think the names of my friends’ is, understandably, the sort of thing you might want to keep quiet until you can think of a way to frame it so that it doesn’t sound absolutely absurd. Although ‘absurd’ is sort of a moot point when the sky is full of black and silver clouds and the Blight appears in villages that don’t actually exist, so. It’s all relative.

Edarra suggests linking with the Asha’man and on the one hand yes! Cooperation! Good! But on the other hand why would you make it easier for Perrin to continue to try to send everyone away?

I suppose she’s thinking more of the refugees who do actually want to go home, though, so… okay fair enough.

“What would it cost me for you to try this?”

“You have worked too long with Aes Sedai, Perrin Aybara,” Edarra said with a sniff. “Not everything must be done at a cost. This will benefit us all.”

On that last, she is absolutely right. This is what they all need to be doing, and finally we’re starting to see it: cooperation, collaboration, setting aside old divisions and realising that perhaps if they work together they will be stronger for it. Small steps, and all that.

“Burn you, woman, why didn’t you bring it to me earlier, then?”

“You seem hardly interested in your position as chief, most of the time,” Edarra said coldly. “Respect is a thing earned and not demanded, Perrin Aybara.”

Ouch. On both sides there, because they both very much have a point. Edarra should have brought this up earlier, to someone even if not to Perrin.

But Perrin… this is where he kind of tries to have his cake and eat it: he says he’s not a leader, that he’s only a blacksmith, that he wants to send people away or let them fight for Rand rather than him. Tries to deny his role during the times when it’s not absolutely imperative that he claim it. But at other times he is quick to take command, and to make the decisions, and to give direction. And now, he wants to know why she didn’t bring this to him. Because he is, after all, the authority here.

If you would have that, Perrin, you have to accept all the aspects of it. You can’t keep leading these people and then saying you’re not actually their leader, but then also expect them to abide by your decisions—whether that’s to send them away, or to expect them to come to you with information.

There’s an interesting irony in how, by trying to be responsible and not take on a role he doesn’t think he’s suited for, he ends up doing something arguably irresponsible by neglecting the duties of a role he has in fact taken.

It’s not easy. It doesn’t seem like fun. But Perrin, you have to make the choice and claim it and understand what it means, and stop denying yourself.

To his very great credit, Perrin takes the admonishment seriously.

Aiel were people, like any other. They had odd traditions and cultural quirks, but so did everyone else. A queen had to be able to understand all of the people within her realm—and all of her realm’s potential enemies.

I like this about Morgase, and it’s something we see in Elayne as well: this acknowledgement of the importance of cultural understanding. They don’t always get it right, of course, but they understand the importance of it, and while we haven’t seen as much of Morgase in general, we do see Elayne try to follow through on this whenever she’s faced with a different people or group or culture, and I think this is where she gets it from.

Ah, so Balwer wants to visit Rand’s academy in Cairhien. What exactly are you hoping to find, Balwer?

Would [Balwer] tell Aybara who she really was?

I…huh. I hadn’t even thought of that. The others in that group obviously didn’t want or intend to tell anyone who Morgase is, but Balwer has given his loyalty and service to Perrin, so it is actually kind of interesting that he wouldn’t have said anything. But then, if Perrin hasn’t asked, and Balwer also has no specific desire to betray Morgase, I suppose he wouldn’t necessarily bring it up either. And it’s not like people here default to communication when there’s any other option, so… okay, that checks out.

Besides, think how much more fun it will be for this all to come out when Perrin and Galad run into each other. And by fun I mean probably the opposite of that for nearly everyone involved. But fun for me, which is of course the important thing.

She should have approached the dusty man earlier, to see what the price would be to keep his silence. Mistakes like that could cost a queen her throne.

She froze, hand halfway to a cup. You’re not a queen any longer. You have to stop thinking like one!

Oh, Morgase. There’s just… that’s quite a lot of pain packed into a few almost-offhand thoughts.

Especially because, again, it brings it back to this question of self and identity and who is she, now that she’s not a queen? To the point where she’s trying to remake the very patterns of her thoughts, to make herself into someone else because she can’t be who she was before, but if that person is lost then what is left?

Also, on a somewhat less sad note, there’s another small irony here: Morgase, a former queen, trying to force herself out of those habits of thinking, while she and everyone else around her is trying to push Perrin into them.

Of course now Morgase is thinking about how she can’t really go home, because people have to continue to believe she’s dead and Elayne has to be able to stand on her own otherwise it’s a political nightmare and she’s not necessarily wrong but man, Morgase’s story is fucking sad.

Why had she done such things?

I know I’ve already said this at least five hundred times but please, please just let her find out. Of everything, and there’s a lot, I think this is the worst. Bad enough she’s lost everything else and suffered everything she’s suffered and is now adrift, effectively an exile, and trying to find her place—how can she do that when she doesn’t even have her own self to hold on to? When she can barely even trust that? And especially when it comes with the consequences of those things she thinks she did of her own volition, because it’s not just that she doesn’t trust herself; for some things she hates herself.

Perhaps she should have done the noble thing and killed herself.

Wow.

Okay. So that’s.

Yeah. That got dark.

I mean, it’s not… a surprise, given that we very much watched her near-suicide, but…damn. For her to think that would have been the ‘noble thing’. For her to think that her survival is not in and of itself a victory.

She doesn’t even know if Elayne is queen yet, or even in Caemlyn. And politics aside, how hard that must be to not know where her daughter is or even if she’s alive.

Apparently she officially likes Tallanvor now, which… okay sure she deserves whatever happiness she can find, at this point, but this one has always sort of weirded me out. Then again that’s true of a lot of the romance in this series, so okay sure whatever.

Looking into those beautiful young eyes of his, she could not entertain the notion of suicide, even for the good of Andor. She felt a fool for that. Hadn’t she let her heart lead her into enough trouble already?

Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here and I don’t know that I’m going to even try with all of it, but I’m… not a fan of the way it plays to this whole he’s-what-keeps-her-from-killing-herself angle. I just find that an uncomfortable space in general, for any number of reasons.

But the part that hurts, here, of course, is the last part. Hadn’t she let her heart lead her into enough trouble already. Because again, she thinks this is all her fault. Everything that’s happened; she thinks it’s just… her own poor choices, when the truth is that she had no choice, for so much of it. Which… I mean I don’t think I need to make the obvious real-world connection here, but it plays very true to that tendency for those not at all at fault to blame themselves, and how devastating that can be.

Perrin of course knows none of this but does know there’s something going on with Morgase and Tallanvor, because Tallanvor in particular is not exactly subtle.

Morgase raised an eyebrow. From what she’d seen, Perrin himself had followed Faile around lately nearly as much.

Point to Morgase.

PERRIN. NO.

“I was given a suggestion back when you first joined us,” Perrin said gruffly. “Well, I think it’s about time I took it. Lately, you two are like youths from different villages, mooning over one another in the hour before Sunday ends. It’s high time you were married. We could have Alliandre do it, or maybe I could. Do you have some tradition you follow?”

YOU. ABSOLUTE. IDIOT.

Hang on a second, I need to go find a wall to hit my head against repeatedly.

I just. Perrin. No. Why would you even. Think this was a good idea. Pause for five seconds and consider.

Even without any of the knowledge of how awful Morgase’s life has been for the last year or so, Perrin should know better, damn it. You can’t just tell two people to get married as if they have no say in the matter! Especially when it’s not even like he’s taking one of them aside to have a quiet word about ‘this is getting in the way of your work; sort it out’, which would be kind of awkward but just about skirting the edges of acceptability. No, he’s saying it to both of them, when he has no confirmation from either that this is actually what they want. But he’s in charge here so now it’s hard for either of them to refuse him, and of course that would mean publicly rejecting the other, and in short this is the worst idea you’ve had in a while, Perrin.

And then of course—not that Perrin has any reason to know this—there’s the reality of Morgase’s recent past, which makes having her agency taken away (again) in the context of marriage and all that entails (again), even more of a glaring Do Not Want.

Morgase felt a sudden panic

I mean yeah, that’s probably the understatement of the fucking Age.

“Gather any you want to witness and be back here in an hour. Then we’ll get this silliness over with.”

So it’s not enough to take away any choice they may have in the matter and assume you know best; now you need to trivialise it as well? Perrin Aybara you are better than this.

“Well?” Perrin asked.

“No,” Morgase said.

Such a small, quiet thing, but it’s everything in the context of her story. That at last, after so many kinds of violation, after so many instances of her choice or her agency or her name or her will taken from her, she can say no. And she does.

It’s not precisely subtle but it’s also not precisely loud; it’s just a turning point and a reclaiming of self after so long of having that taken away from her. That now, she can stand as herself and say no, I will not.

She didn’t want to see the inevitable disappointment and rejection in Tallanvor’s face.

Which is the other reason you don’t just drag two people into a room and tell them to get married! Because even if they might want to marry each other, one or both might have some objections on principle to being told to do so! And then you’ve just created unnecessary tension in the relationship itself because now she’ll have to explain that ‘it’s not you, it’s that for once in my damn storyline I want to be able to give or deny consent of my own damn volition’.

I’m just very, very here for Morgase Trakand finally having a chance to stand up for herself and say no, because that has so long been denied to her in so many ways. And to find it in herself, even with all that has come before, to do that, because it would be so easy to just…accept it. But instead she stands her ground and in doing so, in asserting herself in front of someone else, it’s almost like asserting herself to herself as well. That she is here and she is someone and she has a choice and she will make it.

“Why, the Queen herself wouldn’t demand this!”

Ha. Okay, you’ve earned that one, I think.

“Forcing two people to marry because you’re tired of the way they look at one another? Like two hounds you intend to breed, then sell the pups?”

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“You said it nonetheless.”

Yeah, this is… very much not Perrin’s finest hour here.

Whereas for Morgase… everything about this carries so much more weight than meets the eye, given all she has been through, and I’m just very here for it.

Pulling herself up to her full height, she almost felt a queen again. “If I choose to marry a man, I will make that decision on my own.”

Reclamation of identity! In reclaiming all the choices that have been taken from her! So much of what came before, all those times she couldn’t choose, was just this long agonising process of stripping away everything she was and everything she could hold on to in herself. And she’s been so lost for so long, and so here, in claiming that choice again, she finds some part of herself again as well. She may no longer be a queen but it’s not really about the crown, it’s about feeling like herself again, and finding something there.

Really, Tallanvor, in this case it’s honestly not you; it’s… a whole pile of other things. Don’t take it personally.

Morgase measured Perrin, who was blushing. She softened her tone. “You’re young at this yet, so I’ll give you advice. There are some things a lord should be involved in, but others he should always leave untouched.”

I do like that we get this—it was important for Morgase to be able to draw a line and stand by it and say, unequivocally, no. And to make it very clearly understood why Perrin was crossing a line.

But she also acknowledges that there was no malice in it; it was fucking stupid, but he did mean well. So let him feel painfully awkward for a few minutes, let it sink in, and then grant him this to soften it.

Man, that was awkward.

I mean, again, absolutely here for Morgase finally getting to make a damn choice, but would kind of have preferred if it weren’t at the cost of Perrin being written into quite this level of uncomfortable idiocy. Which I suppose is part of why I’m glad it ends on that sense of ‘you meant well but no’, rather than letting it escalate.

Basically: great character moment for Morgase but overall not a particularly well-done scene, I feel like.

It seemed she had some spark left in her after all. She hadn’t felt that firm or certain of herself since… well, since before Gaebril’s arrival in Caemlyn!

That pretty much sums it up. She needed this, needed to find that within herself.

And now enter Whitecloaks, stage left. This’ll get interesting.

Next (ToM ch 7) Previous (ToM ch 5)