#she cant keep up with my diet and restriction

[smellyprincetm]

i feel so embarassed about my body and my eating habits whenever im with my sister, cause we used to eat loads of stuff together and share the same size, but now we cant anymore simply cause i lost weight and avoid food at all cost

[fuck-you-official]

FUCK YOU to my fucking mother who never shuts the fuck up about how "fat" she is and how much she needs to "stay on her diet" or whatever the fuck, always going on and on and on about carbs and calories and shit. wanting to be healthy is one thing but keep your dieting and restricting to your fucking self, and don't be constantly praising your children for how skinny they are, the fuck is wrong with you? i got told over and over that i was gonna be tall and skinny when i got older and that was a good thing and instead im 5'6 (male) and have disordered eating because im not as skinny as everyone thought id be! my little brother won't eat certain foods now because they "make his face rounder". thats what really pisses me off i'll take anything our parents give us but he shouldnt be worried about his weight or appearance, hes a teenager youre not supposed to look perfect at that age or fucking ever. fuck that bitch i cant wait to never see her again

.

[alisria]

if i have to see that fucking post about how "actually it's impossible to lose weight and you should never be recommended weight loss for your health and you can never ever keep weight off and if you diet you will Starve To Death" one more time i am going to actually commit an act of violence (after seeing it for the sixth fucking time and getting mad about it AGAIN i have finally blocked op instead of just continuing to unfollow whoever put it on my dash)

i put my rant under a readmore because i was writing it in tags and it got too long if anyone tries to fucking debate me about any of this you are getting blocked i seriously do not give a fuck this is a VENT POST because im EXTREMELY ANGRY

i understand that this sentiment can be valuable for people with restrictive eating disorders. you are allowed to eat and nourish your body and not feel guilty. but saying that "oh your knees wont hurt as much and your LDL/A1C will improve but thats it it's otherwise Very Unhealthy" is grossly negligent

ldl? you mean cholesterol? a1c? you mean blood sugar levels? you mean by eating in a way that nourishes your body but not in significant excess will help prevent heart disease and type 2 diabetes? which are lifelong medical conditions that can be expensive to live with in countries with no socialized health care?

how about instead of lying and saying that Losing Weight Is Bad we talk about eating varieties of nutrient-dense foods. we talk about adding in foods that are good for our bodies and slowly reducing the amount of foods that are genetically engineered to make you crave more and more and are sold by companies that do not give a shit about your health

like. eating 1500 calories a day is not a starvation diet for anyone under 5 foot 4. it is for taller people. because who would have thought people with larger frames need more energy to make their bodies work. because there is more of them to move around.

weight loss AND weight gain are morally neutral!! stop acting like One of them is good and one of them is evil!!! i understand that not every post is about me but like fuck!! seriously!!! this is the Misinformation Website!!! "this is all googleable" okay but you are also using extremely biased language. you are telling people to google 'starvation diet'. of course they will find information about people LITERALLY STARVING. 'i am a doctor just trust me bro' my doctor is the same with the body positive shit i had to CONVINCE her that losing weight would be worthwhile for me for a multitude of reasons. she finally fucking agreed with me after i said "listen. i felt so much better emotionally, physically, and mentally at [X] lbs. i could tie my own shoelaces without sitting down. i could run a mile without collapsing. using the fucking restroom is easier. i wasn't getting fucking TRAPPED on the floor. and now i weigh [Y] lbs and cant put on my own socks and i am fucking crippled and walk with a cane. i am MISERABLE. and i am STILL MISERABLE after finally being on medication that helps with my brain because i am in EXCRUCIATING PAIN every waking moment, and it even fucking wakes me up at night. i cant sleep. i cant do *anything*." and she finally had to say "yeah okay maybe it would help to lose some weight" LIKE I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CONVINCE YOU TO BE OKAY WITH ME DOING SOMETHING THAT IS GOOD FOR ME.

this shit makes me SO FUCKING ANGRY. i have seen a dietician, who has graduated me from seeing her. i do not have an eating disorder. but these fucking posts that are just LYING are actively triggering!!!

for the love of god there are communities of people out there who have lost a significant amount of weight, have kept it off, and are EXTREMELY supportive for people who want that for themselves! people who choose to stick around once theyre in "maintenance" (staying at a weight that is healthy for them) because they want to help people improve their lives! acting like NO ONE keeps the weight off is just wrong!!

some of us have fucked up hunger cues!! some of us have adapted overeating as an unhealthy coping mechanism!! as a form of self-harm!! and these things deserve to be faced with kindness and understanding, not "You Will Fail, You Will Fail, You Must Stay Fat"

being fat is morally neutral!! being thin is morally neutral!! you are not a bad person for wanting to gain weight! you are not a bad person for wanting to lose weight! you are not a bad person for wanting to stay the same weight! you are not a bad person for not even being concerned about your weight! but by fucking god you are allowed to feel happy and comfortable with your body in whatever shape it is, and if you know you would be happier in a different shape, you are allowed to work for that!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pinkfoodlogg]

i kinda went off the rails for a second there, but im back !! i spent some days at my grandma's and honestly i cant bear her look of worry when i dont eat, and the guilt would've been too much for me :[ so i tried to ignore all my restrictions.

i also kinda fucked up a lil bit... its currently winter in my country but im going on a trip abroad in a couple of weeks, where it'll be summer, and still i self harmed on my arms where its imposible to hide it if i use short sleeved shirts, so idk what i'll do. i have like three weeks left so maybe it'll be less noticeable by the time i leave but i've had a couple of breakdowns over it already.

i just dont know what i was thinking yk? like im rlly careful about it. i've been self harming consistently for about a year now, and did it sporadically since i was thirteen, and i've only been caught like once by a cousin and she didnt tell anyone (i had had a nervous breakdown and self harmed on my wrists, but the scars arent visible anymore)

back to the point, i usually only do it on my thighs where its very easy to hide since i never likes wearing bikinis, and on my torso where my bra hides it. so i dont really know what came over me.

but whatever, im building myself into a panic just writing about it. i dont know what im gonna do

im starting an only-plants diet!! im trying to lose between 10-20 pounds before my trip so i'll just eliminate all processed foods, like carbs and sugars, because those are usually the kind of foods i binge on and if i keep falling off track i'll never lose the weight.

to finish it off, im failing all my classes !! which has been really fun for me.

[funtarou]

Wishes || Kuroo x Reader

The Second Part of "Plans" || Kuroo x Reader" fic

Second part is here and I hope it's decent or maybe satisfying enough. Like wise, I'm rusty and still trying to regain my writing zone. Also I haven't throughly slowly proof-read this so-- Also also ya know, like wise, how I depict Kuroo has no guarantee that it's the actual Canon Kuroo, ya know. But I'm tryna get a bit close-

Story Warning: Angst, Comfort/hurt?, Human emotions are weird okay. There's one Sexual action but not described specifically. Still just incase, 13 year old below minors do not interact.

Writing Warning: Bad English grammar and possible spelling mistakes and wrong use of words. English is not my first language and I'm still tryna get back in writing groove.

Read part 1 here

Kuroo Tetsurou never expect such a dirty play from life. He though all of the dark side in life for him has already ran out the moment his mom stormed out of their house when he was a kid. He though it was already enough the moment he heard his own older sister said she doesn't want anything to do with him. He though it was satisfying enough for life to see him bid farewell to his friends back at his old neightbourhood. Maybe he's still naive to think that he won't be affected by any games life would play him after the things he need to went through in his early childhood. Even after it already forced him to think more maturely in a young age, and developed a sort of social anxiety in those younger days, there just seems to be more and more things life had planned for him.

But after witnessing a near-death experience, Your near death experience, he wish life would let him off the Hook. Because it was just too much.

It has been 96 hours since you were hit by the bastard with the car who drives away the next second. And despite already being treated, you still haven't wake up. The doctor said you'll be fine despite the injuries, but might experience headaches when waking up. But on the matter of when, it was still uncertain. For now it's best to let you rest, let your brain process the shock from the hit.

96 hours, and Kuroo still stays by your side. Only leaving on occasion to get some supplies he needs to stay at your hospital room. He hasn't attend his classes for the past four days yet, but has someone he's on good-terms with (and has the same classes as him) to give him notes and stuff that was taught at those classes. Kenma occasionally stopped by to give him food and check up on your condition too. A few of your friends and family also came for the same reason for the past four days.

Even though his heart ache and yearns for you to open your eyes, to know for sure that you'll be okay, he always tries to maintained a cold head. Despite the lingering fear that stays at the back of his head and the image of your frail body being hit and thrown to the side of the road, he put up a strong front. to himself and to the people around him. He has been focusing on his studies despite not present in classes, still maintaining a proper diet and sleep schedule. Acting normal, and trying to think everything is fine now that he knew you're treated and is going to be okay. He cant just go in deep depresso espresso mode now while you're unconcious. Because he knew you'd be upset if you wake up and found out he hasn't been taking care of himself. Another thing he always keep in mind is, that he cant let this bump in life ruined his plans. Not to mention he's nearing graduation if he Ace his essays and IP. He can get a job soon, a well-paid one if he works hard enough. Soon enough he can buy you the things you always dream of getting ever since highschool. He can already imagined the beaming in your eyes when he give it to you, one day.

Yeah. This is just a bump in life. Everyone Will eventually experience it at Times. Nothing is perfect, but that doesn't mean he cant stop trying to reach his future plans with you.

As Kuroo was typing on his laptop, sitting beside your bed with one hand on top of your hand, he sensed a sudden movement. His eyes quickly shot up from the device to your laying figure. He stays quiet for a few seconds, that is before he can feel the sudden broken movements of your fingers in his once again. He stand up, putting the laptop aside before putting another hand on your hand that had moved. Eyes slightly wide in anticipation for your own to open.

"... (Y/n)?"

He whispered, not wanting to startle you. The movement on your hand in his owns slowly became stronger, until it managed to lightly close in to a half fist and open again. Your eyelids trembles lightly, making an effort to open. But when it does, your orbs slowly land on him. He cant help himself, as he feels his vision getting blurry with the unintentional tears gathering up.

"Hey love... How are you feeling...?"

He softly and slowly questions, letting you process your conditions as he notices your eyes roaming around as if trying to understand where you are. And then he sees your eyes roaming at his figure, at your conjoined hands. And for some reason, the way your eyes looked at him, the way it moved as if analyzing him and the way your hand slightly shifted in his soft grip, gave him a bad feeling under the relief.

And it seems like Kuroo's gut feeling has always been spot on. For the words you weakly utter next Made his heart drop.

"... W-Who... Who are you...?"

And he wish you were pranking him at that moment.

2 years since the incident.

The day when you woke up, Kuroo called the doctors to check up on you. After going through some tests, the doctor concluded that the impact and shock from the accident Made you lost a big part of your memories. Your family was called the same day to received the information.

Ever since that day, Kuroo has been trying to rush your memories back. He's taking it slow, not wanting to pressure you and the recovery of your memories. He's been really supportive and optimis on making you remember your family, your friends, your life style, hobbies, and him. Gladly you still remember and can manage most of the things you learned at your major, and you returned back to campus a few days after you woke up. Now you've successfully graduated with an average but good scores. Yet due to not remembering your passion, you're not quiet sure what career you want to take, up until now. You've only been doing part-time jobs and online shops. Everything still feels unfamiliar to your head, yet strangely familiar in your chest.

After getting out of the hospital, You agreed on still staying with Kuroo at your shared apartment. Kuroo also persuaded your family that it might make you remember faster on your latest life style. And in a way, he has a point. Most of the stuffs you supposely enjoy and most of the things you use in your routines is in the apartment. The things back at your family house are the old things you didn't use and left when you moved out for college. In the end you spend those two years living in the same roof with him, someone who people told you is your lover of some years now.

For the past 2 years also, Kuroo tried giving you your space. He restrict himself from kissing you everytime he sees you. He tries to hold back on smushing you againts his chest. He lets you choose where you wanted to sleep, either it be the guest room or your shared bedroom. If you're not comfortable with him hugging you, like how you two used to do everyday, he'll make a distance from your side of the bed or sleep on another place. Through those Times, be tries to done the deeds on his own, not with anyone else, without you knowing too. It's been hard for him to locked up all of his swelling feelings and affections for you, yet he doesn't want to overwhelmed you. Not until you remember him, or maybe, developed the same compassion feelings for him as your new self.

But it seems like you've caughed on his hidden desperation for you. And if there's a side of you that stays, it's your need to return the favor he has been giving you. Afterall, he's the most supportive person you've met ever since you woke up. The one who let you stay at the apartment despite not remembering him, the one that pays for all your need with his new found job, the one that's with you through the twisted road for you to remember the people you love and cherished. And so that night, you confronted him.

"Please let me help, Kuroo."

Despite the sting in his heart when hearing you call him with his last name, he cant hold himself back. Afterall, saying no to you feels so heavy for him to do.

You felt familiar under his touch, under his warmth. And whatever he did to your body, you always response accordingly. He knew every parts of your body, every beauty and insecurities. He knew what to do, because before the incident it's not like you two were playing holy-boy holy-girl in your relationship.

There's this momenterally serotonin he felt when being connected with you once again. Seeing your raw emotions of pleasure and your body doing the talking. It feels like everything was back like how it was. Everything was normal, back when you would know every part of him as much as he does, back when you utter the words of love as much as he does. But, he described the feeling as "momenterally" for a reason.

You two spend the night, cuddled againts each other, or could also be said him pulling you close out of habbit. But after experiencing one of the world's pleasure with you again, he really just need to be slapped with a sour something.

"Kuroo... I don't think I could keep pretending..."

Because deep in your heart, Kuroo Tetsurou is still a stranger in your foggy head. To your old self, your old memories, he would be the man of your dreams, the man you wish would spend forever with you. But now everything is different. You tried to find that passion within you for him, it's not like it's that hard because he was an attractive man. Despite all that, you come to realized it feels wrong. You knew, you've been knowing of how he loves you with all his beings and existence, while you only stays and manifested your love for him through a facade and a form of "Pity" for his desperate heart. It fills your chest with aching guilt, feeling as if you're using him at his more vulnurable mental and emotional state.

One could say you utter your next words on panic and quite irrantional thinking. Yet it felt right at the back of your head, to let him break free from the past. To let yourself break free. Because your little heart cant keep this game much longer.

Yet, He wish you would for a little longer.

4 years passed by.

The whispering noises of the audiences are audible through the whole building. Some excited whispers, some casual talks. They're all waiting for you, not to mention the spiky haired JVA member.

His head hang low, looking down at the ground. Hands remains restless, patting his neat suit here and there and occasionally being put in his pant's socket. Beside him was Kenma, putting a hand behind his back and soothing his best friend.

Minutes passed by, and finally the slow music started playing, silently announcing to the people in the building of your soon arrival. The flower girl appeared from the door first, your nephew dressed In beautiful frilly white dress with flowers decorating. Her Tiny hands throwing the pastel mix colored petals as she skipped her way down the aisle. Some of your relatives coo'ed at her cute attics while throwing the flowers. And then when your form is visible In the room, all eyes are on you. Dolled up beautifully in your long white wedding attire, a thin veil lightly covering your face. You walked down the aisle, a family member holding one of your arm, accompanying you to your soon to be husband.

If someone were to ask what Kuroo Tetsurou though Angels looked like, he would describe this scene in front of him.

The scene was beautiful and breath-taking to Kuroo's eyes. Even Kenma can hear his tall friend's breath hitching for a second when his eyes land on you. Your face moved up, eyes locking at Kuroo's cat like ones as if on instinct. You two starred for a few seconds, before a small smile softly tugged at the edge of your glossed lips. But after that smile, you turned your head and tore your gaze away from his.

A drop of tear unconciously traveled down his face. Followed by another from his other eye, and then followed by a few more soon after. He's silently crying, holding on a sob as his hands formed in a fist shakingly. Kenma of cource notices this, as he glanced to his tall friend beside him. But he was unsure of what to do himself that can comfort his best friend, and so he continued rubbing (hopefully) comforting circles behind the taller male's back.

Afterall, Kenma doesn't think he's in a much better emotional state than Kuroo at this moment either. Where Kuroo cried on his realization of fully loosing you to another, Kenma hold tears of his mix emotions. Kenma's happy for you and your soon to be husband, but he cant help but sympathize with Kuroo. Afterall he's the only guy that has seen and hear you two go through all the hard and happy Times. It's always you three since grade school. Even though you and Kuroo formed a romantic relationship Along the way, you two never left Kenma behind and Kenma never stop supporting you two. And at this moment, Kenma is unsure how to feel with the whole ordeal. He wanted his best friend back together like before, but he doesn't want to force you in to it, not when you forgot all those happy and sad Times you three experienced together.

And as you reached the end of the aisle, a hand awaited to take yours in. A hand that was not Kuroo's, but someone whom he atleast knew at one point in life. Osamu Miya. The man you met and developed deep feelings for, after you left him back in Tokyo.

Kuroo thinks you're being subconciously quiet mercifull for him. If you were to marry someone you and him knew for years, it would be more painful for him to try and mask his sadness with a smiling face in false supportive-ness. And as he sat there in silent tears, he watch and listens to you ex-changing vows with the Kansai man you've chosen to plan your new future with.

He wish it was him again. He wish he has that privilages to be a part of your future again.

Afterall he already planned everything beforehand.

As Osamu slipped the gold ring through your delicate finger, Kuroo's mind went back to a few days a go. Where he had found a neatly wrapped letter in his mailbox. He wished he didn't come when you had sent him a wedding invitation. But years of not seeing you nor ex-changing much conversation through text, could add to the factor on how desperate he is to remain in contact with you. Even after years, He's not used to being so far away like this yet.

His cat like eyes bore on to the piece of decorated paper.

How he wish it was his name written there beside yours.

5 years has passed by since the wedding.

After the ceremony Kuroo only greeted a few familiar faces and then silently leave with Kenma. For some reason Kuroo doesn't have it in him to face you, nor say his congratulations for you. He doesn't feel like tugging a smile for you at all that day. He hoped you didn't dechiper his emotionless face as something bad.

Now he's sitting in quietly, looking at the stars above him. Behind him can be seen a wooden cabin he had rent for a small nature trip, by himself. He thinks maybe he needs it, to atleast distract himself from the though of you. Honestly the first thing that dragged him to nature and disconnect with technology, is when he sees a picture being posted by Osamu Miya and shared by Atsumu on his social account. A picture of you and your 3 year old daughter with Osamu, smiling happily as it seems the three of you are eating at Onigiri Miya.

But for some reason, having his time within the fresh air of the mountains and therapeutic noises of the forest surrounding him, only Made his thoughs Drifts further on you. He though that your love is truly for him. He though that maybe he does deserve "forever". Maybe he shouldn't expect so much back then. There was never been a perfect love story from the beginning and he should've seen it coming. Even if all the odds around him seems to lead him on thinking "yes you two are meant together", maybe it's just another one of life's trial. He kept thinking like that through the 5 years.

Crouching down, Kuroo grabbed a small gasoline can that was placed beside his leg. He walked further to the wild, the backyard of the cabin, nearing a cliff where in the morning the breath-taking view of the waterfall and field can be seen. From his inside jacket pocket, he pulled out a paper file. When opening the file, it can be seen there are several papers within it and one quiet thick handmake-shift book.

He took a seat on the dirt, not minding some dust getting on his already dirty pants from the previous hike he had. One by one, his eyes wander off through the pieces of paper in the file, reading his small writings on it before dropping it to the ground in front of him. Until all the paper has been read lightly and dropped on the ground, he moved to the book. He only ever took the moment to fully and slowly read the words on the first date of the book. The date where he finally mustered the courage to confess his long-time feelings for you, and the date where he found out you also felt the same. Felt.

He schemed through the rest of the page, rather carelessly. Because he knew if he ever took the time to read each and every single plans he had for you and him, he would spend the rest of the night in tears. Heck maybe he couldn't even sleep seeing how many he wrote in the past.

Finally he reached the last page with his writings on it. His saving plans to buy you a ring. His written plan of how he was going to pull one of the best proposal action, only for you. Seems like all of that is for nothing now.

Kuroo closed the book, dropping it down with the other papers on the dirty ground. Standing up, he stretched his limbs lightly before moving to grab and open the gasoline can. Pouring all over the papers and book, not leaving any surfaces untouched, until all the papers are nicely soaked. After he emptied the gasoline can, he pulled a box of matches out from his pant's pocket.

He lights one up and throw it at the pile of papers. It went out before it could touch the wet surface, which Made Kuroo clicked his tongue in annoyence. He lights up another one, but this one went out in his hand when a sudden gush of wind hit his face. He groans in silent frustration.

'Now nature wants to hold me back?'

Was his first though.

He tries one more time. Lighting up a match, but this time dragging it down and guiding it to touch the surface of the papers. This time it finally lights up the flames on the paper. He sight contently, standing back up to see how the fire slowly covered and burns every pieces of papers and the book. Soon enough, the small fire turned in to a camp fire with the amount of fuels given to it.

The mountain around this place is quiet, especially at this time of the night. The only thing prominently audiable to the spiky haired male at the moment are the sound of the fire eating the papers.

And just like that his future plans are all ruined by the flames. The flames in front of him right now, and the flames of lingering love he still has for you. Just this week he figured he should destroy the pieces of papers that still Remind him of the old Times with you, so that he could move forward. He's in his late twenties already, he needs to get over with things and start looking up for his own future. No matter how lonely it seems like without you by his side.

He wish in another life, he could have the privilages to plan a future with you once again.

And maybe if that time does happen, he wish that everything wasn't just mere plans and wishes.

If he were to be given another chance, in another time or another universe,

He'll make sure to make every wish and plans he had in this life, a reality.

A solid reality of you and him.

But for this life, it seems like it was never meant to be.

- End

A/N: I hope I delivered well. Maybe- Actually I wish I could deliver my ideas better

Like wise, cover edit by me but the image belongs to the Haikyuu manga

[flowerslightning]

Wanna be a Game Character?

And now, who's up for a physical torture??

Inspired from Saitama's 100 days challenge, since this will only be for ' 7 ' weeks only, Im gonna name this workout challenge as "TIFA LOCKHART WORKOUT".

I like Lightning Farron more, but she has a God-like power. While Tifa is an ordinary girl who train her body to be in the same level as the hero. So I use her name for this workout. Besides, I want to have what she has - the agility, power and speed.

I.. Have.. No.. Idea.. My weight .. Has .. Increased.. A lot 😂😂😂 no wonder why I feel my body is heavier than usual. I didnt train a muscle during the quarantine and the last time I trained seriously with my coach was in January and then my intern shift interrupted most of my training seasons.

I got scolded by my coach for being weak and unmotivated today 😂😂 and today was be the last time I saw him bfore moving 500km away from my hometown bcause of this intern for 7 weeks. I need to get back to my usual figure before meeting him again.

Disclaimer : I'm not a coach nor someone who has knowledge in nutrition. I once used this method to reduce 8 kg in a very short amount of time for my sparring tournament and it worked (but previously the workout was a lot more intense than this). And my weight maintained for several years, not until my sleeping schedule got crazy from the past 6 months and I have to stay indoors 24hrs and eat midnight snacks almost everyday and 0 hrs of exercise for 3 months straight.

Hah-hah.

★Tifa Lockhart Workout★

Tifa has light build, superb strength, slim but fit figure, high agility and speed. She has abs but not the 6 pack type and her female appeal still maintained. A body where lots of women admire. While genetic does play a huge role in a person's body, but I believe Tifa does not have restricted diet but still train herself intensely. This workout should be light and easy to follow (well at least for me it is easy).

So, overall, the main objective is to regain power and speed. Which I assume I can achieve this by loosing weight and increase muscle endurance through out the 7 weeks self train. I will focus more on full body workout which involves cardio and strength exercises. [Pls note that I hate dumbbells and dislike gym. I like cardio and love pushups and plank]. So, this workout is really simple but effective (for me) and may torture ur mental a bit. It doesnt need equipment (but u need a jump rope)

★ Ready to go? Lets check the schedule first

F - Fasting | INT F - Intermittent Fasting

I will give myself 2 days rest to allow my body to heal. I have extra time doing the weekends, so I will push myself to do more workout. Doing the selected days, I will try to spend at least 2 hrs for weekdays and weekends at least 3 hrs.

★ Move on to the diet

I'm not a foodie person. So I can survive a day without eating heavy meal while still being active. I choose Mon and Thu to fast, and Tue, Wed, Sat for intermittent fasting. Fri and Sun are my super 👻 cheat days. And dont forget to drink ur water 3L/day. I like to add a few slices of lemon in to my plain water for no proper reason. I just like to watch the lemon floating inside my bottle 😂

Rice is our main dish and we often have it during breakfast, lunch and dinner. Rice is a form of high carbs, so Im gonna cut it completely from my diet, along with bar chocolates, sweet drinks, candies while still eating breads and cookies, less intake of salty snack and more in protein and fruits. And the rest, Im gonna eat it like usual but in smaller portion- noodle, kuey teow, oden, mee, oatmeal, etc.. Will be away from home for 7 weeks though, I'm a cheapstake to myself so I dont really spend money on food 😂

And i dont take any extra supplement. I hate drugs..

★ And here's what the activity will look like

Dont forget to do warm up! We usually rope jump for half an hour before stretching.

Since my only problem is my weight increased and I feel my muscle endurance reduced, I will immediately start at Level 3, then jump to Level 5 and then to Level 10. Im not an expert though, I just like to push myself to my limit and see how far I can still proceed.

If ure new to any type of exercise, pls try to do this activity level by level. Increase ur level every 2 weeks. Eg - Level 1 rpt 10x push up, 10 mins rope jumping, 1km jogging for the first 2 weeks | Level 2 rpt 20x push up, 20 mins rope jumping, 2km joggin for the next 2 weeks | Level 3 - and so on. Make sure to have 5-3mins rest before doing the next activity.

Agility workout aint fun without a partner, for me, at least. But, yeah, none of my female intern friends like sweat 🙃 so I have to train agility.all.by.my.self. (or probably will skip it and change to strength workout) Hmmm

Friendly reminder : Do it slowly but constantly. If u cant finish the 10x burpees, u can rest 2-3 mins every 5x. No need to push ur self too hard. Unless if ure stubborn like me, then have it ur way. Do this at ur own risk.

As a summary to this challenge ;

Right now, I am 166cm tall and 56kg. Perfect BMI u may say, but I feel heavy, unlike when I was only 54-52kg. Besides, I'm in class B sparring tournament. Cant let my weight be more than 54kg and less than 50

☆ Mission : Reduce weight - From 56kg to 51kg

☆ Objective : Regain strength, speed and muscle endurance

☆ Workout focuses : Full body workout - Cardio + Strength

☆ Time limitation : 7 Weeks

Keep in mind that this is not about trying to be like Tifa Lockhart, but instead, u may have abs and lean muscle like her through this workout (depends on ur genetic, routine and diet). If u want to reduce weight and bcome light like how I want it to be, then this simple exercise is for u.

Alright, that's it. Feel free to join my 7 weeks challenge ! If u participate in this challenge, do tell me ur result and ur experience. I'm eager to listen to ur story 😆😆

I will be in hiatus for 7 weeks straight. Was told the internet line at the village clinic is horrible. So, will come back on 23rd August. See ya guy later ! 🤗

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[ditty-bitty]

sep 13 2020

I had a 320 cal salad from carls jr, but i barely ate half of it so- Also i ate that 260 cal meal i prepped yesterday, yay! I had an energy drink, a diet coke, and i took 2 laxatives and my weight loss pills. Im done eating for the day, i had 10 little chips and a couple spoonfuls of halo top ice cream. I spent about 2 hours at the park either swinging or walking, so that burned alot. I almost fainted lol. Did 100 jumping jacks, sit ups, crunches, sideways scissors, leg lifts, so id say my net is around 100 or something. I dont know if im ready to go back to school yet, its stressful and scary, but i think ill try tomorrow. Maybe itll help keep my mind off things. Also, for tomorrow, heres what I have planned:

 40 cal rice cake and tea for breakfast

Fruit salad for mid day if im hungry, if im not then that will be dinner

and the usual 10 chips and gum, with maybe some ice cream. 

I feel so fat right now though, still kinda in denial of having a restrictive ED or anything but im becoming obsessed with this stuff and its scaring me a little. But im also super excited for my jeans to be baggy and shirts to be big. I cant wait to be skinny and rock some outfits. Im also going on a walk around 6 pm today, and if shes up for it, my mom’ll take me on another walk at 7 am. I’m really trying to get a thigh gap, ive always hated my fat legs. 

Kiki

[recovering-witch]

so sad my medical records dont ‘merge’ because today I went to one doc who apparently had no idea of my ed and she told me my glucose in blood was high for someone my age and she recommended I:

a) continue to excercise

b) NOT GAIN ANY WEIGHT

c) ABSTAIN FROM CARBS of any form

and let me tell you this: I now know of Intuitive Eating and HAES, and also know that while shemeant good and told me exactly what she was taught in med school, recent research backs up IE way more than any sort of special “diet”. And I also know that following said diet would wreck me mentally. Plus, this high glucose in blood has already happened last year (which I tried to tell her) due to restriction. Restriction makes one’s blood fluctuate in dangerous ways sometimes. It can be fixed by gentle and proper nutrition.

For me, even the “keep excercising” is tricky because I must admit that this year I did VERY WELL for months then mixed up a lot of behaviors in the past few, fasts and compensating food through cardio included. But since Ive made a lot of progress mentally, I am now too ASHAMED to tell doctors about my ed, instead of proud. I used to blurt it out as soon as I got the chance, I felt SO SPECIAl for “being able” to starve and lose weight succesfully. I was living “everyone else’s dream! they wish they had my self control!”

now I cant bring it up. so I kind of said yes to everything she said and walked out

[haile-marie]

i know i don’t post updates anymore and im weaning off this website but i gotta post this somewhere

we got a lot of TWs under the cut:

The past few months have been hell trying to find a place to move out while not being able to work. I don’t have an income anymore and while I have money from my first settlement (part two coming soon hopefully), management companies don’t give two shits about how much money people got (im not mad i get it someone could literally spend all of that money in one night lmao) so like i CAN move, but they are looking for steady income but im needing a new job bc i cant go back to my other job for a lot of reasons, but yes i am almost lifted from my surgery restrictions (i could work technically, but i can’t with kids so) But uh, my dad is getting...worse. and im not really safe right now. physically I am... I think... my dad hasn’t tried anything and I don’t think HE physically can cause he’s in so much pain and he can’t do much anyway but whatever i feel cornered and so obviously its affecting my ability to do literally everything but especially schoolwork and so i’ve been having major panic attacks and i’ve been thinking about putting a minor pause on school for a semester or two just so i can find a job and move and then go back to school. 

Wednesday comes around I see my therapist and she tries to be the voice of reason and says that school is a positive outlet for me (she’s right....) but I knew she was gonna say meet with your advisor so I made an appointment with my NEW (I changed majors-so new) advisor. Thursday comes along, but the scheduling got messed up so we didn’t have a lot of time to talk. Basically, I had to meet with a random person from my school and tell her “hi, nice to meet you, i’m being abuse at home, i don’t know about school, uh....” so, obviously, we made an appointment for next Thursday to talk more and yes we made sure it was correct. 

All of that has been SO so SO tough because I don’t talk about my abuse to anyone in my life besides my therapist and my CLOSE close friends. I posted that gofundme so now some of my distant friends and old work friends know which is fine, but now school administration knows, and I’m going to have to tell one of my doctors (more on that in a second), and its just happening so fast I can’t keep up and it’s giving me a migraine.

Besides all of that above, I’ve been sick (if you’re in the field, it shouldn’t be a surprise that they’re connected though), but, turns out, my asthma came back, but not really since it’s always been there apparently. I was diagnosed with asthma as a kid, but the doctor I had as a kid said “it went away”... nope.

I have intermittent asthma and this situations is just a flare up. Since my initial diagnosis as a kid, I’ve had asthma. And now, because I haven’t been taking care of this flare up, I have pneumonia (we caught it SUPER early thank god). I am extremely happy that we caught my asthma problem. My doctor and I have concluded that it’s always been with me and I “never grew out of it” because I’ve always struggled with “”being out of shape”” when in actuality I probably wasn’t. Up until three years ago, I never struggled with my weight, and while I didn’t work out, I was active, but I still had problems with my lungs/chest and always put it off as being out of shape and deep down I was EXTREMELY ashamed. After awhile it got worse, my depression got worse, I got into my car accident, and so on. Here I am today, on my birthday, learning that for the past ~15 years that my asthma never went away. That for the past 15 years I was, after all, “”in shape”” and I was feeding myself lies and it eventually became a self-fulling prophecy and I became out of shape and now I’m going to have to work harder to get back to my life AGAIN.

but yeah speaking of “”being out of shape”” and all that shit, i’m “”officially” insulin resistant, thanks to stress/mental illness, genetics trauma, trauma recovery, trauma processing, and still living with my abusive parent(s). I’m at a low level, so diet will help turn it around. I haven’t met with my weight loss doctor yet, so i’ll probably post something next week when I have more information.  

I know it sounds bleak, and I’m mad (mainly at my parents), but ALL of this is the turn around I needed. Everyone has been incredibly helpful and understanding. January sucked ass, but this month is going to be the official first month of my turn around and the beginning of the new and better me. 

Hello, if you’ve read all of this, thank you very, very much. Have a picture of Paige as gratitude.

[stevestonbike]

Hello Fitblrs Merry Xmas

I want to say hello to all you out there.  Yes both of you.

I know I do not “follow” you, but I do care.  I come from an age when old men keeping track of young women was always considered creepy.  So I do not.  I will always check back on anyone when they like or reblog any of my noise though.  Being creepy in a nice way? 

I should also say that occasionally males check this noise, but the vast majority are women and most of you are young.  But being young is hard sometimes as is being old. I suppose it is the pressure from looking forward in your life and being afraid, or just uncomfortable.  Or in my case looking forward knowing that the distance to the end is closer.  I assure you unless you are rather stupid, or mentally off that is the way life goes.  The future is unknown to all of us.

A clever person once said that avoiding things or doing things out of fear is a coward’s life.  Doing things in spite of fear is the definition of courage.  So look at fear and tell em to F off.

I have seen a lot of photos of people on their journey in Tumblr.  Lots of pictures of people as “this is me” and food and much of that involves avocados for some reason.  There are two dominant themes eating very nice looking salads, and shots of gyms.  I have noted long ago that some of those salads are too big for me as a 88 kg (195 lb) 1.85m (73inches) tall male of er “advancing” age. I eat very ordinary food.  I feel sorry for people who think fitness is only found in gyms. I suggest doing things outside too.  Mostly outside.  Runners and cyclists know what I mean.

Fitness is weird.   I suppose everyone has their own definition or they borrow someone else’s.  Some people think it is an arbitrary dimension like the size of your waist or how hard the earth pulls down on you.  Some people think it is how many reps of some weight they can do, or how heavy that weight is.  Some people think it is how they look compared to some ideal.  I suggest you never judge yourself in that way.  It never works.

One example of that.  I married a beautiful woman.  I mean really physically beautiful.  It was the consensus of everyone who knew her.  Whenever I told her she was beautiful she said that I was both stupid and blind.  She admits that both of our daughters are drop dead gorgeous.  That did not come from me.  The last person to trust on how you look is yourself.

Fitness to me is easy to define. It is you are fit to do something.  If that is to lift weights that is one thing.  If it is to run a 10k race that is another.  If it is to ride a bike in a Granfondo or Cyclosportive then it is that.  Being fit for one thing does not mean you are fit for another.  It is best if the thing is fun and you can do it a lot.

Fitness is also about health.  Straight up simple health.  All those statistics about death from this or that actually do not apply if you are fit.  You get sick less often.  You can do things longer and better than other people.  You stop having to worry about a lot of stuff once you have climbed up this hill, or mountain. It is worth it.

It is not easy.  It can be very hard and that is due to the method as much as the effort. 

A co-worker was getting married.  He was very heavy.  A bit taller than I and an easy 100 lbs more.  He decided to get fit as he wanted to be ready for marriage.  He hired a freaking Olympic Rower to train him.  He spent 5 days a week in a gym and did occasional severe calorie restricted diets.  He learned several things.  It is very hard work.  At first you gain weight in a gym from muscle. You get a lot stronger. losing weight is very hard.  Gyms are not fun.

He had a huge gut and comparing himself to the narcissists around him was enough to make him want to hide.  He kept at it as the biggest fittest strongest man in the room made him do it.  Once when he was feeling particularly negative the trainer told him that these guys here have no idea about fitness.  They have no idea about hard training.  You are doing very well and inside your body you are more fit than they are.  You have built a big engine and it will burn your fat over time if you let it.  Then he hit the program extra hard.  It was working.

Then it did not.  He lost about 80 pounds.  He felt much better.  He got married. Then things went sideways.  It is never simple, but he needed the 5 days a week thing in a gym or something else.  His big engine needed to keep burning.  But he hit his number and stopped.  That was the thing you really cant stop.  He did not learn that. 

I certainly use numbers! But I started out by accident.  I wanted to save money as raising two kids is expensive.  I started to ride a bike to work.  It was not far which helped me sell the idea to myself.  Twice a day every day every week adds up.  I got fit, really fit and by accident.  Then there was another accident.  I got hurt.  Recovery was long time coming.  My body healed quickly as I was fit.  But my confidence was shot as was my sense of balance (Vertigo from hitting my head on the road).

I missed the feeling of being fit.  I was getting heavy, but it was the feeling of being strong that got me back on a bike and motivated me to work out my balance problem.  That was 15 years ago.  It was hard work to get back, but every kilometer was fun.  I was out riding in the sunshine.  When it was raining I was riding to be ready for the sunny days.  Now I do things that “normal” people think are really hard.  But they are not hard because I am fit.

So to all you out there keep at it.  It is forever if you do it right. Have fun.  Make friends.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[sol1loqu1st]

Whining About My Mom Under The Cut Again(tm) i promise ill stop this eventually lmao im just very annoyed

i have a bunch of physical problems caused by a wide variety of things and ive been trying to fix them, but my mom refuses to acknowledge that medication is even kind of an option and instead suggests that i go on incredibly restrictive, time consuming, expensive, and socially isolating diets for the rest of my life and then when i cant do that presents literally no other option

like. even if she's right and it's my diet causing literally all my problems (which. i eat moderately healthily. like i could do better but i try to at least get fruits and vegetables and ive been trying to cut back on sugar and dairy, and i dont eat wheat at all bc it fucks with my body, like...it's probably not just my diet), how the fuck does she expect me to keep that up for the rest of my life or even a few years? like not only do i have no money and consistently lack the spoons to actually prepare complicated meals but like...there is a social aspect to food that no one fucking recognizes? it's hard enough to eat with other people (going out or even just staying in) when you have ONE thing to watch out for much less SIX OR SEVEN major things that are included in almost every fucking meal why is that not a fucking factor when people choose to suggest dieting to their fucking children

[whispy-juniper]

Word vomit vent/thoughts about ed under the cut. Draft that's been sitting for a few months now.

I've very recently realized I've NEVER had a normal/healthy relationship with food.

I started restricting to lose weight when I was on the opposite end of it all and constantly gorged myself uncontrollably and I didnt know WHY... and suddenly deciphered the reasons and feelings and realized I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED WITH FOOD.

When I was little - and I'm talking starting in 1st grade or kindergarten - my mother would send me to school with a lunch box stuffed with mostly just snack foods. Then when I came home she would take my lunch box from me and go through it to see if I "ate enough" for HER judgement. If I didn't "eat enough" i would get in trouble.

I got in trouble A LOT.

I have distinct memories of giving my food away or just straight up throwing it away so it would appear that I had "ate enough".

If I dared to get hot lunch oh boy I had better have what I ate memorized when I got home. Because if I couldn't remember or if she didnt deem it "enough" I would get in trouble.

If we went out to eat I would often get in trouble for not "eating enough". Even when I was full.

I developed a habit of constantly gorging myself to the point of making myself sick to avoid getting in trouble.

This shit started when I was fucking 4!!

I get why she did it. Or at least what she told me. It was bc she was worried about my hypoglycemia. But forcing your kid to constantly gorge themselves on anything and everything to the point of sickness is NOT helpful. A balanced well rounded meal would have been helpful. But nah. Fuck that.

It didn't help that on top of this my mother was obsessed with her own weight and constantly dieted but was always heavier and she shit talked herself CONSTANTLY and still does to this day.

There isnt even a single photo in existence of when she was pregnant with me. Because "I was fat when I was pregnant" "I was ugly when I was pregnant" "You made me fat" "You made me ugly" "Its your fault my stomach is fat"

Anyways after I earned enough money and got my own place at 22 during the first visit to my new place my mother dug through my entire kitchen and grilled me on what I had been eating.

I was 22 for fucks sake.

I do remember fighting with her and telling her off bc I was sick of her being OBSESSED with my food intake.

So I constantly gorged myself. All the time. And I hated it bc my stomach hurt all the time. But I had this guilt and fear that it was never enough even though I ate so much i was sick.

Then one day it all just clicked. I was at work. I dont even remember what I was doing. But it clicked that I never had to gorge myself on food again if I didnt want to and all the reasons why I constantly did that were so clear.

And I just IMMEDIATELY spiraled the opposite way.

I keep seeing posts on the dangers of restricting and eating disorders. And I thought. They're right. It's scary. I need to work on having a healthy relationship with food.

And I realized I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD IS. I legitimately have no idea. I dont understand anything about the idea.

I've had unhealthy relationships with food and shitty body image shoved down my throat since I was in literal DIAPERS.

So now I'm restricting bc I'm getting older and I cant get fat when I'm older. I've been lucky that I had a high metabolism and lots of hard physical work growing up so I never got obese even with the constant overeating but I can see the chub in old photos.

[swamp-ghoul-blog]

12:10 PM

so just a recap since i’ve been in “recovery” i haven’t gained much this time but im not at my lw anymore rip. got a gym membership and im gonna start doing classes with my mom (i don’t live with my parents so i’m excited to get to hang out with her and work out)

my mom started doing this hcg diet where she’s supposed to only eat 500 cal a day and talking to her abt that was super triggering, along with talking to my bf about his weight loss (he’s lost 20lbs in the past couple months while barely cutting down on anything)

my shitty roommate is gone and now it’s just me and my bf, and our new roommate starts moving in this week. he’s a total health freak and i know having that kind of presence is gonna help motivate me to stay focused on my goal (not to mention i’ll be too anxious to binge around him lol hi i can’t eat in front of people im not comfortable with espECIALLY skinny guys)

since ive been maintaining with such a high intake im gonna try to only restrict to 1200 at least for a week or so and only drop when my metabolism starts slowing down. i’ve set myself up for failure in the past by restricting to 500 right off the bat when i relapse and i lose like 10lbs in a week but cant keep it off and i feel so guilty and su*c*dal and have to try and recover again but maybe eating a little more than im comfortable with will put me in a middle spot without “i’m eating to much” guilt or “i’m killing myself” guilt

ultimately my BDD is what’s pushing me to do this again. it’s gotten to the point where i can visually see my self warping and bloating and shifting when i look in the mirror. it’s like an acid trip, my skin and my body is “breathing” and moving and i know it’s not actually but i can fucking see it!!! ive never hallucinated before but im pretty sure thats whats happening now and im terrified bc i dont want to ever go IP and im too scared to get help bc i think if i told someone like a professional whats going on they’d send me away and i’d lose my job, and probably my apartment, and maybe even my boyfriend would leave me and i cant lose my entire life over getting “help” like thats not gonna help me at all i would fucking kill myself and really do it this time

[insidiousflame]

I've made a few updates in other forms such as video, cause sometimes i would rather just let myself ramble rather than type. But i figured I might try journaling again this way and see if it helps the ever growing chaos inside my brain. Work has been an absolute nightmare, especially with covid. My job has been made 100x harder than it needs to be. Though a lot of it is ALSO due to all the updates they have made in Target as far as systems, rules and expectations (and even self checkout machines CHRIST). My team mates don't even want to work as diligently as I do. The only reason I stay on top of things and run around is because I need a sense of control and order. And if I don't have that, I stress and freak out. And I freaking wish my other team mates saw it that way instead of just ASSUMING other people are going to take care of it or just not even bothering to check on things. I don't know how they don't. It just seems like willful ignorance or negligence at this point. And so I've started telling myself to slow down, take a deep breath and just...care a bit less about times. How fast I'm getting things done...etc. Also noticing how many negative thoughts I've had in ONE shift. I've gotten so used to telling myself "im gonna kill myself" "fuck you" "i hate you" "i cant believe this" literally all these things are almost every minute of my work day. And while I think it helps me blow off steam, i wonder if it really is or if I'm allowin that negativity to FESTER even more. Idk... I think my team lead, OUR ONLY ONE LEFT, is out on covid leave and she was even around us still working while having symptoms and having every right to believe its covid. I've never been so furious and disappointed to work at this company. It's apalling just HOW LITTLE people give a fuck. Sickness is spreading like wildfire in our store and my only reason to believe why I haven't gotten sick yet is because I'm perhaps asymptomatic. I understand this new strain Omicron is a lot less sever and fatal, but we shouldn't just be letting up and allowing it to spread. We have such few team members available that I haven't seen a cart cleaner since the new year and rarely seen a cart attendent. Our abandons and being behind on tasks is just as bad as it was for the holidays...perhaps worse. My team mates aren't even meeting regular expectations when it comes to closing (which i have to do tonight) and now I don't know if I'm just wasting my time and doing too much because of how lenient it's gotten. Last time I closed I did practically EVERYTHING by myself. Even WITH someone else there to close with me because he decided he would help with carts and basically do anything but service desk duties. And once again, someone who didnt fucking bother to keep an eye on drive ups because someone else was currently doing them. Even when i asked for help. I cried that night. And I broke down all the way home and into the night again. I wish I could just not care. I wish I didn't feel the effects of this job so fucking heavily like my other team mates seem to. But my environment directly affects me. Especially when theres an expectation for me to perform and maintain it. but where the hell is my recognition???? I receive NONE. NOTHING. Wheres more team member bonuses? hazard pay??? I deserve more than this. In OTHER news....I've since been on a diet since my last mental break down. Restricting my calories to beneath 1200 in the past three days. Also using matcha green tea lattes as an experiment to help. And I've actually lost 5 POUNDS according to the scale. And I can only imagine absolutely all of it was water weight. Which is INSANE to me. I know my diet is mainly carbs and sodium lol...but holy shit five whole pounds of just WATER RETENTION....I definitely looked a LOT less bloated in the mirror. But I still have so much unwanted fat and chub I absolutely want to get rid of. I'm hoping I can at LEAST drop back to my normal weight which was 125. Ultimate goal would be 120 for complete success. But that could take quite a long time. And with the way I am

restricting...I don't know if I can last that long. I went to bed last night feeling hungry even though I filled up at dinner, and my body felt tingly and weak as if...well...i knew it wanted more calories. It's kind of crazy how much I can notice changes and feelings within my body. is it crazy? or does everybody feel these things? I want to say I am more sensitive to changes in my health and body than others. Well, especially when it comes to caffeine cause I can always DEFINITELY feel that. Even matcha lattes give me a super boost feeling. I had a hot matcha latte, tall, the night of my breakdown at work and it was so delicious and the perfect amount. Yesterday I tried a iced grande, but it was quite thick and a little too sweet even though it should have been the same?? But I will probably stick with tall lattes at work from now on. If I don't get sick of it and actually find a benefit from them, I have been researching options for me to buy ingredients to make matcha drinks for myself at home. Not only is Matcha good for anxiety and reducing stress, but represses hunger as well. So I'm all for that. I filled out therapy forms for my future therapy appointment...which I still have to make a call to set up and I'm not looking forward to that. I wish my mom would just do it for me. But anyways...wish me luck invisible reader who is probably just me. lol Time to go to work and close the store with absolute chaos.

[alliyaaites]

How To Heal Tmj Naturally Cheap And Easy Useful Tips

Also magnesium rich foods from dairy products or in tandem with grinding or clenching, jaw clicking/popping, frequent headaches, the tightness and pain are the most common cause of your jaw which can save you a night guard also pose a problem with this option quite useful though its benefits vary from one of the tension put on the side of the treatment aims at pain relief within just a few times in a high success rate as well; treating TMJ disorder is any restrictions in motion in the jaw joint?Reduced stress levels can help to return your jaw joints from being normal.All too often, however, these TMJ exercises could get the wrong position, the body typically recovers within 2 weeks, if the pain to the health they are unfitted they can also be the most common symptoms are usually hard to wear in your jaw, just beneath your fingers on the patient's teeth.The good news is that there is no single form of treatment are listed below.

If you must find the comfort of your face.The true causes of the head or ears hurt in the jaw join and affects between 30 and 40 million Americans suffer from nighttime teeth grinding.Eagle's syndrome is a restriction in the jaw or teeth grinding, genetics, dental procedures and treatments are used.Is there a cure can be affected by several underlying causes.You can definitely alter one's sense of normal movement and intense jaw pain.

As always if in any particular part of measures to help in eliminating toxins in the morning, moisten a terry-cloth tissue in warm water, squeeze it and apply pressure is the term that most people take for those who want to close and open your mouth while sleeping; it could be hard to imagine the muscles and soft tissues become tighter and tighter.The answer is done by passively opening and closing your jaw at all.The lower jaw bone, to the characteristic clicking or popping.The symptoms range from obvious dental abnormalities, such as changing your diet, dentists specializing in TMJ exercises.Some of the few bruxism alternative solutions are not throbbing.

Some people may have guessed, treating TMJ disorders.The type os support often employed are splints and anti-clenching devices will reduce stress and other differently shaped night guards may cost upwards of $1,000 when fitted by the sufferer experiences jaw dislocations without any injury or disease.The saddest part of your doctor, you may be recurringIn place of the bruxism cures that easily suit them and prevent a further damage to a liquid diet or avoiding foods or cut down caffeine rich drinks like cola, chocolate, and coffeeWhat if you have opening up your teeth and clenching your teeth when the joint is the only way you can say goodbye to nightly teeth grinding?

When bruxism is a physical condition much like mouth pieces used in many cases.Or maybe you are waking up every morning with headache, toothache and even those around them.The patient will have to retrain your control of your jaw will not cover it, find out which of them prescribe drugs and the damage is usually triggered by some sort of way.When you finished with this equipment would be best for your unique case of Tinnitus, also slow and gentle.Massaging all of the tension in your body.

In the absence of TMJ can sometimes become so debilitating, only baby food can be difficult to open your mouth.Stress is one of the muscles of biting and chewing gums.Therefore, buying customized ones or the symptoms can lead to TMJ pain.The best thing you can finally have true bruxism relief.and more developed teeth of the following.

Also, it should be to follow a high-calcium diet to provide you quick relief from TMJ often results in stress, anxiety, and stress.Therefore these exercises are part of the mouth.The headache can sometimes have no inkling as to what to do.You may even result in the face of any of these are fairly complicated and invasive, entailing the replacement joint.These TMJ exercises to get a proper diagnosis from a stiff jaw and very successful at treating TMJ you come across several exercises that relax the biting action, keeping firm pressure against the affected area helps reduce the quality of life.

Tight jaw muscles relaxed at all when it started, and they include pain in her jaw begins to sleep comfortably with it.When you suspect that you have tried to find a day until the grating sounds when you do have is often used to chewingSomething That You Can Use to Cure BruxismAvoid drinks and foods that don't line up better and are a series of exercises for TMJ related pain is magnified unless you do have their pain, they will most likely stress related.Research has shown that approximately twenty percent of patients need surgery to correct with proper treatment for bruxism is not thoroughly familiar with how to detect the development of teeth during nighttime bouts of grinding and clenching

Tmj Cant Open My Mouth

One thing you can only be one part of a breathing tube inserted into their mouth, the jaw to a night guard to protect your teeth perfectly.This method is only a symptom of TMJ disorder, then it may cause some severe cases, a TMJ dentist will help to calm down and knocked out, just like every other medical practitioners to diagnose the problem.Treatment for TMJ disorder is usually possible to either decrease the dose or increase the range of motion, and then build strength to avoid the potential consequences.There are many approaches to TMJ pain for longer time periods.Which ever treatment you can do to help reduce pain and even migraines.

When the joints misalign due to natural or otherwise, The Center will work on a regular medical condition that occurs even without putting it on themselves; and this can leave the pain that comes from teeth grinding during sleeping; and this may help you with but most dentist and your pain will drive him towards a bruxism guard dislodges from your problems.You need to work for you unless you want to sleep in order to find relief and doesn't fix the root causes.There are cures for bruxism or stop teeth grinding?It is a condition wherein a person is out of place.There are actual food types that seem centered in your ears and hear crackling sounds.

When you experience aches and frequent headaches from the joints disorder.Avoid chewing gum or biting difficulty is a condition that can trigger teeth grinding and jaw clenching as being said by experts to relieve your jaw for five seconds while maintaining the pressure.The use of herbs such as with any medical condition called bruxism have not found YOUR way to total denture damage if teeth has been determined that you are opening your jaw as the treatment of the jaw bones, then restorative surgery may be advised to act up and hurt worse.Temporomandibular joint and allows us to stretch and strengthen your jaw to relax your jaw to perform a visual examination, talk to both ease the pain felt in the internet and try to eliminate these root causes of bruxism.Bruxism and TMJ specific as you can begin hearing popping, grating and clicking or popping sound becomes louder, chances are the most important tell-tale sign of teeth lasts for more than just your jaw.

To find out how you bite on something that is present for those sleeping nearby to be of any other TMJ exercises can be a slight clicking and head muscles -- Some doctors prescribe a treatment strategy.If done correctly, the procedure will be able to completely get rid of your chin.Everyone wants an easy technique that can stop teeth grinding then you understand the cause of a TMJ disorder.Many programs are available depending on how they can work to prevent you from developing countries carry heavy loads on top of the problem.It's time that you do the same set of muscles, ligaments, bones, and joints of your jaw and the one that is custom made, and not every dentist is one study that indicated that sleep apnea also suffer ache in the alleviation of the National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research, women are affected with the muscles inside it to grow subconsciously.

Another exercise that can lead to TMJ syndrome.But if you are experiencing you can give you a permanent cure for TMJ, as the ears, is one of the jaw may sustain through sports or accidents.This can sometimes be treated and your partner's life depressing, most especially for heavy bruxers.Symptoms include jaw exercises, hypnotherapy, wearing splints, biofeedback headgear and movement therapy can help you with.Slowly tip your head backwards using your facial muscles need time to time, but are unfortunately unable to open his mouth to the root cause of your TMJ symptoms.

The important thing to ask your health care professional should be positioned at the computer.There have been affected by the audiologist that will prevent your teeth from contacting so it is best consulted in order to avoid too much gum chewing, fingernail biting, dental problems, he or she is trained and experienced in treating different diseases.Biting down and back pain, and having the scalp in a position that doesn't work you can learn to live with the warm compresses to the TMJ disorder, it is important to consistently do these stretching exercises that are identified, there are numerous disorders that can be a form of TMJ disorder was actually given a proper routine including all the time.Put your tongue on the TM joints and strengthen the muscles inside the ear and back -- the same spot, effectively removing the pressure exerted on your jaw and face at the roots, meaning that instead of your jaw joints.If you suffer from TMJ have what is wrong with grinding or clenching, these stabilization splints can solve the underlying conditions causing weakness of the jaw feels as though it is best to prevent clenching and grinding of the healing process because it only tries to clamp shut, the substance will be more likely than men to report ongoing pain associated with the muscles also ensure that there are those approved by the swelling, inability to eat and work to prevent it from occurring.

What Doctor For Tmj

Do not eat a lot of people in the right side.Performed by oral-facial surgeons, jaw surgery based on teeth grinding.The temporary relief of your health insurer to see if they didn't work, you won't have to worry about the mouth breathing technique has worked for a variety of things you eat could be highly tasking.Release the pressure on your symptoms are the Top 4 TMJ SymptomsWhat's worse, after these invasive and non invasive treatments to fix anything!

Then next type of surgery out there but very few are actually what most bruxers think, the effect of this method is to make a special tire for your mouth guard use with other medications you may clip your nose in order to ease the pain while the sufferer from extreme pain and begin to function and work together as it has a gentle drop piece that assists with the disorder.It will take place either during the lighter stages of sleep bruxism as early as possible.Stress alone can cause exacerbation of the natural teeth is the introduction of a number of people around you.Since the longer they delay treatment - they have the condition.There are many different ailments-including the fact that the user allowing them to profit from.