insidiousflame

[insidiousflame]

I spoke with a young coworker yesterday. She's 20 years old and has a big passion for musical theater. Her life is like a story book where she gets everything she wanted in the end. People in her life pushed her into things where everything lined up perfectly and she found so much passion. She was able to take singing classes. Had privileges from a child that helped her in her current passion. Everything I just fucking wish had happened to me.

Some people just get that. They aren't free from struggle or pain, but life works out for them like a movie. And she's been able to accomplish these things just turning 20 years old now. And here I am, a flame struggling to keep burning and 30 years old. Love that has disappointed me. Life has disappointed me. I didn't have anyone to just miraculously put me where I needed to be. Nobody handed me anything. Life is not magical. And now I've realized I cannot compete with everyone else who's been more privileged and passionate than I. Who hasn't had the ever living daylights knocked out of them. Who have friends. A support system. A plan. Youth. Time. And I'm so bitter. So fucking bitter about it. How do I catch up now? I'm so fucking tired. Shouldn't I feel motivated to grow? I don't. I feel discouraged. And jealous. And so so fucking tired.

I don't want everything in my life to feel like a fucking drag. A chore. I can work hard if I had enough passion, motivation and inspiration. Enough support along the way. But God damn it I've only had myself. I've only been by my fucking self. Had to figure it out by myself. Had to force myself into situations just to get...anywhere?? I don't want to push anymore. I cant.

[insidiousflame]

7/18/2024

I want to get to know myself again. Or rather, be more comfortable and content in my own company. I think the reason I am so reserved and my self-worth is in the toilet is because of the jobs I've had the past decade. I've not been able to surround myself around like-minded people. I've not been able to hang out, be in creative spaces and bond with anyone. My only way of living was clock in....be as invisible as possible....and clock out. It's fucked me up. It's uncomfortable, but I need to hang out with people who want my company. Beyond just obligations. Beyond just productivity. I want to indulge in myself. I want to like how I look and take pride in my appearance again and who I am. My sillyness. What even is my personality? I've hardly even shown it to anyone. Cause I always think, "why bother?" But that's the thing. I want to 'bother' because I want to feel joy. I want to enrich my life with experiences and relationships with others. I want to feel free in my being and joy in experiencing this life on earth. That is why. I want to daydream, imagine, feel the magic. Play pretend. Lose myself in just 'being'. But I feel like I need guidance. Because tonight....I found myself in a strange sense of dread. Of being lost at sea. Not knowing where to go or what to do with myself. I have no career path. My desire to perform and create music is at an all time low. My job feels stifling, even though I am grateful. I have no goals. Just the vague sense that I want to improve. But i need to drill it in my head that improvement does not come with ease. It comes with struggle and discomfort. Becoming better only comes from repitition with things we were previously unfamiliar with. How do I expect to get better if I don't put myself in situations where i feel...like I have a lot of growing to do. It has been a long ass time since I put myself in a room of people who were significantly better than me, and giving it my best shot to learn something. It was so frustrating when I hit a rough spot and struggled, but it was so fun when I felt I started to fly. I have to admit...I've been starting to feel burnt out with how uncomfortable I've been this year. How much I have had to constantly talk myself into marching into situations that demanded my efforts and tested my courage. But I want to improve my life. So much. Even though every cell in my body, that yearns for stability and comfort I've curated all this time, tells me I don't want it. It's not that I don't desire these things....I just don't desire the discomfort that comes along with it. I start to weigh my discomfort vs the reward...rather than seeing the reward and being strategic about how I can be MORE comfortable moving forward. About how i can adjust and improve so that the discomfort becomes less and less and the rewards become greater. It doesn't feel good to be uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good having anxiety and putting myself in anxiety inducing situations. It doesn't feel good worrying about how I might look or appear to others. It doesn't feel good feeling alone in a room of people who've already made connections. It doesn't feel good to feel that my skills are so below or made to feel sub-par amongst individuals who have had so much more opportunity to grow their own. It doesn't feel good, feeling like the odd one out....and opening myself to other's judgments. I think about how I used to be and how it felt so much more natural to me. And that was so long ago. How do I navigate this discomfort back into a place of confidence and freedom?

It's just doing the uncomfortable more. Doing what I hate, so that I can build self-trust. And slowly my body/brain should recognize hey...im safe. I'm okay in the end.

[insidiousflame]

8/15/2023

I used to be the center of my own universe. I bought things to decorate my surroundings with the kind of life I wanted. The fantasy that I wanted to live in, even if other people wouldn't necessarily see them.

I appreciated the outdoors. I roamed my neighborhood with music in my ears, recognizing the energies around me and experiencing it alone.

I wrote stories. Fantasies. Even if there wasn't anyone to really read them.

I dressed myself and made plans to do things just to experience some sort of fun and fulfillment in myself, for myself. I dressed myself into the person I wanted to be. The kind of main character I wanted to play.

Other people were lucky to witness me. To discover me. And I needed no one's approval. My life, was mine to shape. Even if I was in my own head most of the time. It was more magical. Whimsical and interesting. I used inspiration from my favorite forms of media to help carve out my life, personality, appearance to my liking.

Even when i was judged for it, I didn't let that stop me. Maybe I started to get a little self-concious, but for the most part, I let me be me. The unique, magical, beautiful and exciting girl. The girl who embraced the dark and found the beauty in it. Who walked life with a certain curiosity and didn't mind making other people question. She wanted them to question. "Who is she?" To be drawn to her. To feel something different in her and want to explore into her mysterious world.

Oh...to traverse life like that again. To live in the young ignorance. To obsess over new things. To passionatly live for what you love rather than in survival mode that continues to slap you back into the cold, uncertain reality of life.

I always daydreamed about my future. About love. What my story would be. Imagining how everything would line up as if I were in a movie. Never quite so worried about running out of time. Desperate for a fairytale.

I don't think I ever doubted my ability to make friends like I do now. I don't think I ever worried about not relating to them or not being likeable. If anything I felt like I was one of the most cool and interesting people out there. Everyone should want to be my friend. And if they don't, I don't want to be their friend either.

Why should I concern myself with people who will never be right for me? Why do I worry about appearing likeable to them? Who says I have to please them? Why do I need to make sure I am a pleasant experience to everyone, as if that gives me the permission to exist around them.

It's because I am in a constant state of survival now. To be liked means better chances of survival. Of comfort. Safety.

But safety from what? From their negative impressions? They will talk to others and convince them to dislike me too? That, that will single-handedly stop me from recieving....opportunities or....something? What do I think is going to happen if someone sees me dressed differently or against their personal tastes? They will think "Wow she's crazy. What a weirdo. Why does she look like that? She looks ridiculous. Really? At a place like this?" and then what. Nothing. And anyone who sees me and thinks of me that way, is NOT someone I want in my life. I should repel them.

Honestly most the time when i DO dress up I get compliments from people. There are many people who love my sense of style. But I don't even do it for them. I do it to feel good with myself. I don't get dressed thinking "omg everyone else is going to love how I look and are going to compliment me." I think, "wow I look SO COOL. I feel so good in this." And that's the point.

But in my head, when I step out into public...every person I see, I decide the dialogue in their head. Even the people I haven't seen yet, I anticipate the things they will be thinking when they see me. I anticipate their need to stare at me. And then I become hyper aware of their eyes. Their expressions. Trying my best to appear like I don't care or notice them.

i remember when I used to go out, and while I did do those things, it wasn't really in a negative way. It was more of "I bet people are gonna think I'm so pretty and cool. I turn heads. Maybe sometimes it's shock, but also intrigue." I could, once again, play that main character that graces the average day to day. I could do my mundane things while feeling ethereal. Feeling empowered.

These days, I'm not sure how I want to live out the rest of my life. I don't have my school life to work around. I don't have a bunch of friends who want to hang out and do cool things with me. I don't even have frequent opportunities to be around people who are like me or do what I want to do. A lot of the things back then were very cosplay/anime centric and I don't even feel the same interest as I did then.

Maybe theres something else I can just put my time and thoughts into. Maybe get back into more spiritual and magical things again. But that still doesn't help me in terms of going out and meeting people. I think subtly I keep hoping to find someone just like me. Someone who loves magic, dark things/horror as well as anime. But isn't WEIRD about it. But at the same time when it came to Maya and Evie, I loved that they had special unique interests that was big only to them. Even if i couldn't relate, I loved it about them. Although, I couldn't really get as close as I wanted to them either.

I guess I just want to find another me. But there isn't one. Obviously I wouldnt want them TOTALLY like me otherwise we'd be competing. lol This is why sarah was great though. We were so much alike but still had specific things that we were passionate about that didn't totally align, but still could enjoy together and appreciate too. Our own lanes we could conquer separately.

I just need something....different. Different from the convention scene. From the idol scene. A place where I can form bonds and adventure into new territories and excitement with good people. Sigh.

[insidiousflame]

12/26/2022

The weekend was stressful, but everything went okay. The coffin got there, and then the door fell over on me during the performance, but chris picked it back up and i dont think it took much away. I havent actually watched the live footage out of fear I will cringe and hate it and feel embarassed, but it seemed a good amount of people enjoyed it and made lots of people cry for Stardust. One of them donated $500. I didn't sell as much merch as I may have hoped or anticipated, but I still sold enough to make a little profit. I'll have to set things up to sell online. I don't know if I'll ever do a performance like that again. In fact, I still haven't received much inspiration or motivation from it. Maybe a little a the time but once again I just feel....blah about it. I still feel a lacking. And all the stress just wasnt worth what happened. But the experience was of course still valuable in of itself. But not enough to keep going I think. I did some more thinking tonight; about what I want to do and focus on moving forward. I will still want to create songs I can call my own, but as for continuing on with trying to make profit and business off myself? I have zero motivation to do that. I don't want to. Perhaps I am a little depressed as of late, but... I just want to relax. I want to be happy and live without obligations. Without much expectations. Without the looming need to 'become' something. To 'make it' or find peak 'success'. But it's a weird concept. A bit scary too. To just let go of that dream. That vision. Because maybe it isn't for me anymore. Maybe the yearnings I had weren't quite what I thought they were or even how they would feel. Maybe I've done enough.

[insidiousflame]

12/6/2022

This is quite the hilarious turn of events considering my previous entry. But I applied for HolMat for shits and giggles and ended up being selected to perform. A lot of popular groups including Auracle and Reso were denied and everyone was up and arms about it. It was quite a little bit scary. And they also are paying for two nights hotel stay so...I really was convinced to go ahead and do it. Though, despite my worries about money, ended up still spending upwards of $700 on this performance prep. The coffin STILL hasn't been completed, and theres some other small things like for the meet and greet that need to be finished. Kait and Chris are my back up dancers and she had to go out of state to take care of her dad so we can't practice again until HolMat weekend. The mix did not come out very good and is just passable. The performance as a whole will probably just be pretty mid. The choreo is boring, my backup dancers are..well...doing their best i will say. And I'm just standing and singing 'Stardust' on a mic stand. I have tried to let things go, so as to not get into my own head and over stress about this. Inside, i know this performance is not everything I could want it to be or what I know I can do and I'm quite nervous for all that I will have to do that weekend. And how the meet and greet will go. Will anyone besides some friends care? Will I sell a good amount of merch? I'm so nervous. I'm starting to have feelings of dread and wanting to run away. But this is a needed experience. I can say that I got to perform at THE HolMat idolfest as a soloist. And then I can just never do it again. haha I want to enjoy this experience. I want to enjoy the fact that I GET to have this experience and not be so focused on the actual performance execution of it and whether or not it's "good enough" or can measure up to everyone else and expectations. But at the same time I feel like this loose-grip I've made myself have has also perhaps made things worse. I waited till the last second to buy prints. Totally kept skipping my mind and we've had Gavin staying with us and stupid family drama on Chris's side. I just want to have fun and find my fucking peace again. I want to find the value and clarity for my own life and the path i wish to take. And that has nothing to do with others and how they will think of me. I really should just stop looking at those forums. There isnt really anything of value there anymore if there ever was to begin with. And considering my path as an idol is kind of messy and uncertain, why should I care? My focus going into the new year will be doing more anime covers. I got 1k views on my Alumina english cover that was released in october! Like! I havent gotten that many views in literally 3-4 YEARS. It's just added to the encouragement. And believe it or not i've felt the desire to start cosplaying again too! Mayhaps i can find some sense of joy in my hobbies again. I've also been playing FF14 again. I will allow myself to invest in my happiness. Whatever that may be. And not feel so guilty for it. For my well-being is the upmost important.

[insidiousflame]

8/31/2022

Oh how life can have horrible, unfortunate timing. I never got to do the competition or Metrocon at all because I caught Covid from my family when I went to do laundry. It was a terrifying experience and I was honestly fearing for my life and in immense pain with my throat and fighting the highest fevers ive ever had on and off for a few days. Luckily, I didn't lose my sense of taste or smell, but my throat was in SO much pain i could barely eat or drink. I actually lost 3 pounds. haha At least theres that. But i definitely have since learned to appreciate my life so much more when fearing losing it. Perhaps I was just super anxious about the new experience, but I never ever want to go through that again. Thankfully it didnt hit chris as hard as it did me and he didn't have to miss too much work. And like I said, I gained a new appreciation for life. For the little things. The little bits of peace and happiness. The fact that every moment we live, will never be the same. I realized how much I want to appreciate and soak in this beautiful thing of life. I feel like I have gone so long unable to really, truly enjoy it. And it feels like it will never be savored enough. I've also been trying to protect my state of well-being and avoid depressing things when im able. I don't want to suck in any more negativity. I just want to appreciate and love this life that I have RIGHT now. It's such a beautiful thing to be alive. To be abled. And I want to improve the relationship with myself as well. Every now and then I've been working on positive affirmations and being more nice to myself. I've also began to allow myself peace. There's been a few times I have jumped on a potential opportunity to do things with others like a temporary group to get into HolMat's idolfest, but I decided I'd really rather not put that stress on myself. (Tho also koda and mel were starting to act flaky and im just done dealing with being someone trying to motivate others). I don't think I'll be attending holmat this year again. My finances since losing my savings to the new car have not yet improved at all. Plus we're in spooky season now and then it's christmas time. That...and Chris has thousands of dollars of dental work needing to be done. But anyways, I've been enjoying giving myself some peace. No pressure to create anything or meet any deadlines except for this singing competition which has been a wonderful experience. I've been able to make it to the semi-finals! And maybe...just maybe...I can make it to the finals and do a song cover of Head Above Water. Only time will tell.

[insidiousflame]

7/12/22

It's been a while! My new job has started to get a little more comfortable for me as I've been learning. There's still many moments where I don't know what to do and always need to ask for help, but it's getting much less frequent and im able to get through my day relatively smoothly despite that. I'm no where near as exhausted coming home like I was with target. I'm a LOT less stressed as well.

I've been preparing the last few months for Metrocon's Anime Idol. Which I will be doing by myself for the first time. I don't think I have ever sang on stage by myself before...so this will be a new experience for me. I know I will be very nervous. I had been doing my best to work out and eat healthier, and I made some small progress with it and was doing well for a couple months...but then of course... life happens and the world and it's politics have been a bit traumatizing. My emotions, depression and anxiety has been a constant roller coaster. I stopped working out and eating according to my diet for a while, and am basically back to where I started with no change or progress. The performance is in three days....I was feeling quite terrible, but then I bounced back with a newfound perspective. I don't need to change anything about who I am right now to be proud of myself and have a good time. These past few months I have been part of a youtube singing competition show which has been an amazing experience for me and a LOT of fun. I met two new friends who are amazingly kind and supportive people, and gotten more familiar with Ginga (a mentor) who also not only is a winner from Anime idol but won this singing competition as well.

We've talked quite a bit and she really gave some inspiring and motivating words. I've been able to have fun with singing for the first time in so, so, so long. And I want to hold onto that special feeling. I don't want to be constantly scared and miserable with what I love anymore. There's a lot of insecurities I have about myself and my dreams...but as long as I remember that I should be having fun and I can still make a difference no matter what, ill be okay. And getting these opportunities and being part of something like this is exciting and special and unique. Just like when i would act on stage. The only person making all of these things a huge deal is myself. I can control how I feel about a situation. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I'm allowed to just put myself out there and try new things. To grow in the ways that is comfortable and valuable to me.

Now obviously, I really want to win this competition. That's just who I am. And I mean, who doesn't want to win? But what are the odds that my little performance would make a big enough show all by myself? I know it's not IMPOSSIBLE but...I also don't want to base my feelings about doing this on whether or not I win. But man at the same time it would SUCK not to get anything AT ALL. That would be a real kick in the stomach lol I should just try and approach it like i did with Auracle. Just hoping to get a judges award....

BUT AAA I want to get the Best In Show so much!! To just be able to say HA!! I DID THIS ALL BY MYSELF! I DONT NEED A GROUP BEHIND ME BECAUSE IM JUST THIS GOOD ON MY OWN!! It's like a physical and widely recognized symbol of that. And i want to show that off. Not just for me but to EVERYONE. And i knowww this kind of falls under me caring what people think and basing my worth and value based on others opinions but...cmon.... I can't help that I'm competitive.

But again, I need to just have the most fun I can. And...much like this singing competition, not go in it with the expectation or need to win. But with the excitement to see how far I can go. What can I accomplish all by myself? And this time, I won't have any excuse for not deserving it or...pushing the praise to something else that doesn't really have to do with me. I can fully accept the results of my efforts. I can accept any praise, compliments, awards...knowing it's because of ME and no one else. Now, I know even with Auracle, i kind of credit our win to the kind of competition we had that year, which wasnt very impressive. But there's definitely going to be a lot of people that are going to be worthy competitors this year. I just know it. Especially after witnessing last year. I know Mel is going to be performing. Possibly with some back up dancers...lol God i dont want her to win over me.. LOL Idk....is it possible? Can I win against groups of people? Can I stand out enough that I am enough on my own to make a good enough impact?

I've been doing my best to practice, but my stamina is no where near what it used to be, and singing an entire song (even if its shorter) by myself while moving around and dancing...is very difficult. It's hard to catch my breath. And Ginga said theres nothing that irks her more than someone out of breath while singing. BUT I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINING AS WELL TT

I'm doing what I can right now to balance it. Where I have movements, some choreo here and there, but im not going all crazy. And...hopefully...thats enough!! I mean..its valid to want a great result after all this prep and effort ive put in up to this point. The outfit, the wig, practicing, trial and error....But i know other people are putting in a lot of effort too. And whoever the trophy goes to...will surely be worthy of it. Especially because Ginga is judging this year. And I know they are very fair and have a great sense of performance and talent of all kinds. I always get so focused on the end result, rather than how I feel doing everything leading up to it. I should have fun up there. Yes, do my best to give as great of a performance as I can, but still have fun. And dont be....god its hard to tell myself not to be disappointed by not winning what i want to win. Is winning really the only pay off to working this hard? Will all this work, money and effort and stress I put in not be worth it if I can't get the exact result I want? But I mean a competition is a competition. It's about comparing yourself and trying to be the best. And i dont think theres any ranking for this competition other than Best In Show. The others are just categories and judge personal favorites. or in other words 'brownie points'. lol

BUT I also will be gaining a new perspective and experience on how I feel performing as a soloist. Will I like it? Will i not like it? I think theres a fair chance that I won't like live performing. It just seems like a whole lot of stress and nerves all for...what? idk. I may just like recording and perfecting and controlling the content I put out rather than just being on a stage getting one chance to make things right. I like the IDEA of performing at the sense of 'inclusion' it gives. Theres that slight bit of importance when you are given the stage that can be nice. I know I always looked at a stage longingly since I was a kid. There was always something so special and maybe even glamorous about it. Something that gave you a sense of importance. Being able to show yourself and earn your place there. I always liked being able to be good at something and for others to enjoy it. What makes acting different than singing for me? Why is acting more comfortable? Is it because my acting was more socially accepted? More recognized and praised? i always jumped at the chance to do it because i really had fun with it. I had fun with even the technical level of it. And i loved the praise i would receive. Singing tho....not so much. Because what makes a really good singer is...a lot harder and a LOT more technical and my family always just got annoyed with it. But it's just as vulnerable as acting in its own ways.

Theres always so much for me to think on and sort through...but to end this, i just want to do something for myself again. To get myself back on a stage. Where I felt the most special. Sure, I was always scared, nervous, anxious all of those things. But I wouldn't do it if it wasnt rewarding in its own way. Those plays i was a part of gave me no awards or public recognition. The reward was a happy audience. The reward was making connections and growing in the craft. It was having fun and learning from others.

[insidiousflame]

3/14

huh. so. I actually quit Target. I did get a job though at Lowe's here in lakeland. I've been hired for the service desk. Which...the hiring manager seemed to have a heavy warning about so...that's fun. I don't know how well I'm going to do there or how much I'm really going to like it. Most i can hope for is just being comfortable and not overworked. He convinced me to give up my Sunday evenings which I'm a bit bummed about. I think i should be starting sometime this week? But I'm not sure. They still have to call me. I should probably expect a call tomorrow or wednesday the latest. Their computer systems look ridiculous as hell. Like the most un-user friendly system out there with a million different combination codes to get to different pages to do different things. while i am nervous about that...im just glad i dont have to drive all the way down to brandon multiple times a week back and forth for work for a job i absolutely hate most the time. especially with gas prices...its just not worth it. I'm not getting paid as much with Lowe's, but only about a dollar less. Pretty sure I'm still gonna come out positive in terms of how much money im saving on gas. lowe's isnt something i obviously plan to stay with in the long run, but i hope it lasts me a while as my life sorts itself out idk. I'm trying not to think too far in the future. I'm really hoping and praying for chris to get full time with Celcius with the help of Saulo and Kait. I want to keep doing creative things and singing and making music and what not but...honestly I haven't felt so hopeful about anything lately. I feel a bit directionless. The things i've always done just aren't doing it for me. I just have to keep moving until i find a good spot i guess. I wish i could find something to light the fire in me again. I miss that fire so much.

[insidiousflame]

2/23/2022

This morning, I woke up early because of needing to pee and couldn't get back to sleep; leaving me feeling super tired and icky. I think that's what made my stomach feel off today.

Chris made pancakes from scratch and we got ourselves dressed (me in a witchy black dress and hat attire) and headed to the mall in Brandon to spend the most of the day. We browsed the favorite stores and eventually landed on Lush where I decided to get two bath bombs that Chris agreed to buy me as my gift (coz of course he procrastinated and didn't have a gift for me yet). And then we enjoyed some Pretzel Maker and then headed out to Annie's Tea House to get some boba tea! It was very sweet but I couldn't finish it since my stomach was feeling a bit sick and I didn't want to overdo it. Before we headed home, we went to Krispie Cream to get my free dozen of donuts (since I know my mom loves them) and the girl at the counter was the absolute sweetest. She wrote such a nice message: "Happy birthday sweetheart! You are so beautiful!❤️" And it absolutely made my heart glow with joy and I teared up a little. I felt so soft.

We then finally arrived home where my mom had a nice table setting with nice china and a picture of me in my dance uniform as a kid with little memorabilia trinkets from my childhood. She surprised me with deviled eggs as an extra side and the dinner was so nice with the family including grandmommy.

I had a nice 28th birthday overall. Lots of people told me happy birthday both on Facebook and the idol discord. I think it was the most happy birthdays I had ever received. I certainly felt loved and special.

Unfortunately, I have yet to receive my original song video....but I've just given up bugging her at this point. I can't stand any more promises from her. It will come when it comes. And when it does, I really hope the love and support is abundant, along with it touching lots of people's hearts. That's what matters in the end and what I truly hope for.

As my birthday comes to a close, I was hit with feelings of uneasiness. And maybe it's an anxiousness I felt all day...and the talk I had with my mom influenced these thoughts and feelings...but I feel ready to just start anew and move on. To get to know the person I am now and learn to love her. To be more confident and sure of myself. I just want to clean everything, refresh things around me and perhaps get rid of old things. There's just that weird craving. And it's probably what I need spiritually, emotionally and all that.

I did a manifestation spell on 2/22/22 with a tea light candle to manifest all the growth and love I want to see with myself and my life. The flame looked tall, steady and strong. I hope that's a good sign that it's being affective! I wish to open myself to new paths, new journeys, new passions and to own who I am without the guilt of the past.

[insidiousflame]

1/26

Wow..two entries in one day huh. I think this insomnia is due to me drinking off of Chris's soda. I moved myself to the living room to sit on the couch because I was starting to spiral into crying just laying awake thinking about my life.

I watched bits of Julia's vlog for Metrocon where she showed some of Auracle performing. And I hate it so much. And it just made me so upset. I talked to Chino for a little while about it and tried to remain positive for the next time I perform but....god I'm just so fucking sad about everything. About my life, this world, my hopeless dreams that don't even feel worth chasing or putting effort into anymore. I worked so hard and put so much love into Auracle. There was a time I was so happy and thankful for that group. It was good. But then mental health, stress, this fuck up of a world ruined everything. The toxicity that brewed that I had no control over. No one had control. I had one, good, unique thing about my life that I built up with good people beside me and it just became another part of my hell in the end.

I used to write music and lyrics and just put it out there to vent and express my emotions. Most negative and sad. Attempts to be hopeful or helpful to others. But there was always that undying hope to be successful. And this nearly impossible stride to create original music all my own. And even with this one fucking song that meant a lot to me and I cried over so much I can't even get out cause someone else dropped the ball with no FUCKIGN excuse. Just neglecting it. So now what? I just throw together some simple release? I tried. I put in effort, so much money and hope into this song being received well. To do my dedication to Sarah justice. For her. And these are just the cards I've been dealt. I'm so upset about all these things I can't control and no matter how much I care about something and no matter how hard I work it's never enough. Because something out of my control ruins it for me. I feel like I haven't gotten a fair chance at life. So many people my age feel the same. I hate this reality. I hate my job. I hate that I can't even dream. That I'm too exhausted from the stress of it all to even try anymore. I'm supposed to be taking a nice break from idol activities nor creating content but the pressure is still there. I'm still involved in the community because I don't want to miss out on it. And it has added to the small amount of socialization outside of Chris, kait and coworkers.

I feel so hopeless. I always said, what is life and what purpose is there to life without a dream? I can't even imagine not holding onto my dreams. But I don't want to anymore. But that fucking child in me wants it so bad. Wants to keep going, keep trying. FOR WHAT!?!!? I want to enjoy life. I want to experience the beauty of life but we can barely survive and get past every month without driving ourselves crazy and burning ourselves bout over and over. When it comes to the things I wanted to do...I feel like I tried. I tried really hard. And I've yet...still got so little to show. Is this it? Work hard and create content that is barely seen? Praised by a small group? Forever dump my money and energy into something with little reward? That's not why I work hard. That's not why I do this. I do this with hopes of reaping rewards worth the effort I put in. But I never ever get that. I'm not special or unique or talented enough to stand out. I don't have this incredible beauty standard that makes me take little effort into things and get attention with it. To endlessly make content for fun and enjoy the process. Is there something wrong with me? I don't know what to fucking do anymore.

[insidiousflame]

1/26/22

I figured I should update about how I'm feeling while I feel it so I can reference it later. Yesterday or the day before?...We were told at work we would be getting write ups (leading to termination) for dragging down drive up times. And whilst it is majority an empty threat (considering there's no justifiable way to dictate what is us 'slacking' and what's the fault of circumstance) it's made things more stressful. And now we are having to go back to cheating the system a bit just to get our times under 2 minutes. Which...lol is what they tried writing us up for doing last year. There's no consistency here and our DM doesn't want to hear excuses despite there being MANY GOOD ONES.

But it was sprinkling ALL DAY and into the night yesterday and I had to continue going out in it to deliver drive ups. I was on such a high level of stress and anxiousness that it honestly all felt foggy and dream like. I didn't feel like anything was quite real and at moments maybe once or twice I felt super light headed. And honestly that's just the norm when I work. But I didn't really recognize the weight of it until I tried going to sleep that night. I was so wired even though my body ached and was exhausted.

My back is sore and I just feel so weak today. Not just physically but mentally. My jaw aches (probably from clenching it unknowingly through the night) and my body just overall feels like....drained beyond belief. Almost like the feeling I got when heavily restricting my calories except I feel like I'm eating fine.

When I got up around noon I made myself a whole grain toast with peanut butter and bananas on top, with a side of sliced strawberries. It was good, it was filling. And then about three hours passed when I started feeling hungry again around 4 ish. My weakness was giving me anxiety so I decided to make myself some Campbell's chicken noodle soup. Which was good. I've been peeing a lot and it's clear. I feel like my saliva is just constantly creating itself and making me pee even without drinking lots of water. But I'm making sure I'm hydrated still. Do I need electrolytes? I'm hoping the salty soup helps.

All in all I just feel sick but without...being actually sick? Or maybe I am actually getting sick or am sick and it just hasnt hit me full force yet. But I hate how exhausted and stressed work makes me even with my efforts to control my breathing and telling myself to calm down and it's not that serious.

Thankfully I have the rest of this week and some time with kait this weekend to chill out. I know that feeling this way is not normal. My body feels like it's in crisis. But I don't quite know what it really needs or how to help. All I can do is rest, eat well and....not stress myself. Lol

[insidiousflame]

1/24/22

I don't have much time to do a FULL catch up before I go into work, but I wanted to update with how I'm feeling. Tbh, I'm feeling a lot more stable than I was. I finally got back into contact with the therapy office and I have my first official appointment set for next Monday at 7pm. I wish I could have gotten it sooner when I was really feeling in a crisis...but idk there's a right timing for everything. I wish I would have written down my feelings more when I was feeling that way because then I could actually probably correctly recall those feelings. My memory hasn't been too great for quite a while. I don't know if it's stress or some other symptom of something, but I don't feel like I can remember things as well as I used to. Trying to recall feelings and activities or what someone had already told me just fade away. Maybe it's some sort of unknown coping strategy or side effect. lol who knows. I hope that this therapy will allow me to understand myself more and help me figure out what I can do to feel better about life and how to deal with it. I feel like at this moment, and perhaps even over time, I have slowly stopped caring about anything. Stopped having hope for anything. I'm just so tired of chasing these hopes and dreams for myself. And I can't afford to waste my energy thinking about my future either because I don't even really see one. And trying to think about it or plan for it is just...a one way ticket to mental break town. I think I've just adopted this negative life view or cynicism. And my current way of coping is telling myself to stop caring and stop wanting more than what there is. Stop chasing hopeless dreams. Stop thinking about tomorrow. Just living in the now and finding as many ways as I can to enjoy the now. And I feel like it's been helping in a way. It's offered me more peace. But it's still very sad to me. Sad that this is the world and life I've been dealt and none of my expectations have been realized. Will I be at Target for more and more years to come? Probably unless they fire me and I'm literally forced into something else. Will I be stuck in an apartment and never be able to save up for a house? Probably or just eventually not be able to afford this apartment and might have to live back at home and go backwards. Will me and Chris be married by then? Hopefully but what kind of sad ass marriage is that when we can both barely pay bills. It's literally like...whatever anymore. Like I've just given up. I'm so tired of feelings so stagnant and with all this hard work I put in, it feels like I am running in circles collecting life lessons and yet STILL hardly moving any further in life. And so here we are...just taking it day by day. Trying not to absolutely go manic and lose my mind.

[insidiousflame]

1/11/22

The sushi dinner with Maya and Evie went well. We had a nice time catching up and spent two hours at the restaurant. Most of it just chatting. We gave each other our gifts beforehand and the sushi was pretty good. The only thing I did notice that was weird for me was that I noticed how on edge I was. Or how much I felt the need to put on as nice a front as possible. Rather than just being relaxed, I kept actively telling myself to look engaged, come up with topics for discussion, am i smiling too much? Am I being too loud? And I didn't want to say anything too negative either. Like I said in my previous post, I couldn't fully relax. But that's because I care a lot about how they perceive me. I wish I didn't. I wish I could relax but...I guess I can't because I feel like being completely myself in the past has bit me in the ass. And they have proven to not truly understand me in my vulnerability. I forgot to give Maya her SD card AGAIN. So I'm gonna have to give it back at some point. They asked me if I was going to holmat next year and I was like "i dont even know...Depends how things go this year I guess." I have no idea where I'm gonna land by then. Am I going to stop doing idol stuff? What reason do I have to go to conventions if I'm not performing, cosplaying and/or hanging out with friends? Panels don't really interest me and the merch hall is only entertaining for a couple hours. I'm still unsure where our friendship is even at and how hotel accommodations would be. If they would still want to include me. I'm not sure following them around for their idol activities would be enjoyable. In other news, the rest of my closing shifts were taken this week and I was able to snag a mid shift in place of those hours. And I'm glad because apparently TL Cheeks is going to replace Alex as a closing Lead. And I fucking hate her. The way she treats us and throws us under the bus saying we don't ever do shit is straight up insulting and absolute bullshit and I made sure Alex knew before I left. I will tell anyone I need to so I can avoid closing with her because I tell you what I will NOT be tolerating that crap. I STILL haven't gotten my OG song video yet and I'm officially pissed about it. I'm giving her the rest of this week before I'm asking for some kind of refund/compensation for this absolute negligence. Especially since I paid in FULL. There's only so many excuses you can make and you are well past them. Couldn't even make the new deadline I asked for. I also haven't heard anything on the instrumental I'm commissioning that I ORIGINALLY wanted to do as a birthday video. But. lol. I bet that isn't anywhere near finished either. I've attempted to diet by restricting my calories under 1200 and I lasted about a week. The only weight I lost was all water weight and it's already creeping back up after one hefty meal day. And my app told me I wouldn't reach me goal until right before my birthday and bitch I just can't keep that up for that long. It's too much and I'm putting stress on my body. I know if I just replaced my meals with healthy alternatives instead of straight carbs and sodium I would lose weight a LOT faster and effectively. But that requires a whole new level of planning, effort and willpower on my end. I don't like having to restrict what I can eat. Thats why i would rather restrict my calories. But that's not working for me either. I hardly know what I want to eat as it is...so coming up with healthy meals that will satiate me is super challenging. I'd basically have to fill up on straight vegetables the majority of the time which...cmon. Who wouldn't get absolutely sick of that and crave everything. There would be a lot of grocery shopping, cooking recipes that end up failing, trial and error. But I really...really don't like my body and i hate looking at it. I feel so defeated honestly. I want to like what I see. :( Or at least be okay with it rather than grimacing every time i see myself.

[insidiousflame]

1/9/22

The time spent with Kait was much needed. Though we aren't something I would consider 'best friends' she is a good friend. And a needed friend. We sat and doodled and colored together and just talked. And I haven't done something like that in ages since I was a kid. To just do an activity with no end goal or pressure about it. Just to do it and enjoy the process and end result. It was weird in a way haha. We also went to a German restaurant (which took two hours to get our food almost because of how backed up they were..) and it was really good. Unfortunately some of the food was cold but I enjoyed my Chicken Schnitzel. haha And the giant pretzel. It was a nice new experience despite the abnormal wait. And we made matcha lattes when we got back to her house. Which haha i was definitely right even though I didn't outright say it. She only used a few ounces of water to mix the matcha and then she was trying to take all the milk and froth it before pouring it in. Not the correct way but the milk we intended to use didn't froth so we ended up having the hot milk PLUS adding actual froth on top which is the correct way instead of all frothed. lol But anyway, we took our latte's outside in the chilly night weather and sat on a blanket, looking up at the stars and talking. The whole time I was just like "Wow...it's so nice I can just do this." The weather wasn't humid or gross...the grass in her backyard was new and wasn't overtaken with sticks or discomfort and bugs. It felt like a little oasis. I kept thinking back to all the stresses of my job and just how thankful I was to have this moment of peace and to soak it all in as much as I could. These moments are what I need more of in my life. I have forgotten how to just enjoy my life like this. I've been plagued with thoughts and feelings of needing to rush and run and continue to fight and chase things that just forever seem out of my reach. A life I can't keep up with. But I can slow down. I can. At least, maybe for this year. Just...one year out of the MANY I have left (hopefully lol). The motto of this 2022....is to "stop and smell the roses". To not chase some kind of career or seemingly impossible and overwhelming dream. To just exist and live as I please. To incorporate and prioritize new and enjoyable experiences. To break up the negative feelings and pressures I have carried on my shoulders for so long. And Kait feels the same way. No more goals, just...openness. Acceptance. Going with the flow and seeing what comes our way. Especially after the few years we have had so far....I think we deserve that. To just...stop and rest for a little while. We can keep up with our day to day requirements...but not stress with where they're going to take us if we don't want to. And after that time spent, I feel oddly a bit better and detached from my years being an 'idol'. I feel a little more allowed to just walk away from it and not be attached to it if I choose. This evening for dinner I will be meeting with Maya and Evie for the first time since leaving the group. Our friendship has been rocky and uncertain feeling since...but I know we are all now ready to just move forward. I honestly don't know where our friendship will go after this. If we will even bother setting up time to just hang out just because. I've not hung out with them outside of hobby obligations at all. The way things typically tend to go...they will continue with their idol activities and I will just...continue existing and doing my own thing. We won't really talk much and maybe see each other at conventions and hang out a little when convenient a couple times a year. I don't like that reality after how much I wanted lasting and close friends...and all those memories and time spent with them to just end up being this. But it will be what it will be. But I will not continue to chase them if they won't reciprocate that. And what reason would they want to? They have each other and all these other friends. They don't have any need for me. And while a 'need' for someone isn't what relationships with people

should be run on, it is unfortunately a reality. But that's fine. I don't want any part of that. I'm not going to force connections with people I don't vibe with just because it will make me less lonely or lend me connections. I want honest and real connections. Personal ones. I will not be gaslit. I will not sacrifice my comfort and boundaries for you if I am not ready to. Stepping out of your box is important no doubt. Being able to expose myself to things is of course important and will help me cultivate better relations with others. But I will do so when I am ready to. Not when you want me to. And I will not feel guilty for it. Why is it so hard for other people, even people who I thought could understand me, to understand? Why am I always the one and THE ONLY one to need to apologize? I have constantly been pushed and despite my constant willingness to meet them halfway, I am seen as 'less than' or 'disappointing'. When you didn't even BOTHER to have a conversation or communicate how you felt to me. Suddenly you are disappointed or, as it was put, "cant trust/rely on me" with things. But you know what? I'm leaving it all as it is. I won't fight or keep chasing people who view me like that. I don't give a fuck who you are or who you were to me. If your choice is to not reach out to me and try and heal things between us then thats on you. I'm not proving myself to anyone. If you care about us, come to ME now. I'm done. I'm a bit anxious about this meeting. I just want to enjoy my sushi and give them their gifts and wash my hands of everything. Whether or not we click again and things feel good, or we just get along and continue on our way, I don't care. There ARE people out there who will understand me and care about me the ways i deserve. Kait is a living testament of that. She's actually the only person outside of chris I don't feel such social pressure or anxiety with. With Maya and Evie, I always worried if I was enough for them or if they thought ill of me. I never really got the chance to build a really close friendship with either of them. With Maya, it was building...but it wasn't enough time. Cause then we added Evie. And it wasn't so personal anymore. It could have been great. But I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

[insidiousflame]

1/7/2022

New Year's definitely did not feel like new years. Maybe it's the fact that we weren't able to party over at saulo's parent's place like usual, but also because covid has thrown everything off. All the fun things planned continue to be thwarted as the contagious weaker variant consumes the US. But I also think I am just spiritually/emotionally not ready to start over or begin again. I really feel like I need to continue to hibernate and rest and recuperate before starting again with new goals and ambitions. I have been going and going for the past 3 years since starting my idol hobby. And I've improved a great amount, especially in my dancing/performing now that I look back. I've learned a lot from all the videos and the few stage appearances. But I've been overworked in every aspect, especially with work life. I just need to continue to go with Winter and allow myself to rest and heal as much as possible. And maybe by the spring time, I will actually feel refreshed and motivated to begin again. I'm not quite sure what my new goals or vision will look like, but I really do enjoy the connectivity I have with the idol community still. Especially when you don't really have other friends to talk to or be with regularly who are also working on similar things. I don't know if trying to do "idol" activities will do much for me. And by 'do much' I mean...helping me grow a bigger audience. Having a schtick helps with branding for sure. And getting into this stuff also has granted me spaces on stage. I AM pretty sure I still want to go through with participating at Metrocon's Anime Idol by myself. I know that is something I want to do for myself. I don't think I've ever sang/performed alone on a stage like that. The new song I want to try and do for it is challenging and will require some practice vocally. But I'm hoping I can get it really comfortable and sounding great. I want to do my best but also have fun while doing it. Nothing too stressful or demanding. Just enough to feel like I put my power out there and enjoyed the experience rather than stressing about it. After work yesterday, it has been confirmed that my team lead is officially out with Covid. My team mate Cole confirmed for me and told me he emailed corporate about her still being in with symptoms and everyone being aware of it. Hopefully that does something but...i doubt target gives a shit. At least our store doesn't seem to. As for closing the store, if it wasn't for being paired with Johnny, we wouldn't have been able to get everything done. He's the only one who works just as hard to keep up to date with things and works hard to make things happen. We were still drowning a little but we both did our absolute best. And then at the end of the night fucking style lead Cheeks had the audacity to say all the leftover abandons not sorted was OUR FAULT. LIKE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH. We aren't just standin around doing fuck all. We've been nonstop grinding and trying to keep up since we got there. The fucking audacity. honestly. Maybe my other team members dont do jack shit, but me and him certainly do. So shut the fuck up. Anyways, tomorrow me and chris are going to hang out with kait and saulo finally!! We wanted to much sooner but of course....they caught covid. But are better now. I'm looking forward to finally having some nice friend time and enjoying myself. She claims to know how to make a proper matcha latte buuuuut she sure wasn't explaining it correctly. It aint just tea with foam on top. It's mixed with the milk, THEN with extra milk foam on top of the mixed milk mixture. She tryna say it's more water than it is milk and honey thats not true. But she says she's gonna show me so....we'll see. I had a good cup of tomato soup today. My scale is very inconsistent and where it WAS saying 130...now it's 131-132 area. Is it my sodium intake?? Idk...Just weird how I had once saw 129 for a small window and then i've gained back that much. I've gotten through 4 days of staying under 1200 calories so idk what my body is doing. Or the scale. Who

knows. I guess once 7 days are completed I will see. Speaking of diet....I ordered some ingredients from Target to see about making a vegan alfredo recipe!! Fingers crossed it tastes good. I'm sure it won't be anything as good as or identical to real alfredo...but any amount of heavy dairy i can keep out of my diet...the better. lol And if it's a win for me, maybe I'll replace my alfredo with that? Slim chance but...let's try it! I can throw in my leftover chicken from the tacos into it for my meal. :3 I think I might be a little lactose intolerant cause sometimes alfredo will give me the runs or at least some inner discomfort and gas....ick. Anything to avoid that and gross bloating. Sometimes my bloating is so bad it looks like I'm pregnant and its just horrible to look at. I'm sure all the carbs have done it too...My diet is sodium and carbs. And fast food. I actually have managed to not eat any fast food for the past 4 days! Here's to a week of success! Ah....but I'm pretty sure we are gonna order pizza when with Saulo and Kait. Might ruin my diet a little bit. But it's just one day. I'll do what I can to be healthy up until that meal. Y'know...it feels nice to get all my feelings and thoughts out. That way I am much less likely to just dump on social media as well. lol Oh! And I finally made that call to the therapy office, but they're closed today so I just left a message. Still have to set up an appointment but...each step gets me closer! There was lots of interesting questions in that packet i had to fill out. One that made me realize...I really don't have enough 'fun' in my life. I mean...when I was in Auracle I had fun moments and practices with them. But...yeah we know how that ended up. The fun didn't outweigh the stress anymore. Oh shit speaking of which...I'm going to be meeting up with them this Sunday for Sushi. And I decided to go with the Sushi resturaunt closes to them (an hour from me...) because it just looked much nicer and possibly better options. I don't want our reunion to just be at a small uncomfortable place, yknow? So I figured it would be worth it to enjoy our time together better. I'm a bit nervous tbh...My feelings about things, and them, have been a bit mixed. But i'm hoping whatever hurt or negative feelings can be squashed and washed away soon. I just want my friends back. And maybe it will never be the same...but maybe it could still be better fit for where we are all at in life. I know i won't be seeing them often at all.....and who knows when we will see each other after this arranged meeting. But, there just needs to be that closure. And I hope we can achieve that. I know Evie is continuing to move on with a positive attitude, but Maya is clearly way more hesitant and bothered. But I'm not going to put any pressure or shame onto myself about what happened. Let's just move on and get better. Other than that, next week all my shifts are CLOSING. And... :) I hate closing. Especially with how things have been it's the absolute worst. But y'know what....just gotta....get through it. Deep breath....keep going.

[insidiousflame]

I've made a few updates in other forms such as video, cause sometimes i would rather just let myself ramble rather than type. But i figured I might try journaling again this way and see if it helps the ever growing chaos inside my brain. Work has been an absolute nightmare, especially with covid. My job has been made 100x harder than it needs to be. Though a lot of it is ALSO due to all the updates they have made in Target as far as systems, rules and expectations (and even self checkout machines CHRIST). My team mates don't even want to work as diligently as I do. The only reason I stay on top of things and run around is because I need a sense of control and order. And if I don't have that, I stress and freak out. And I freaking wish my other team mates saw it that way instead of just ASSUMING other people are going to take care of it or just not even bothering to check on things. I don't know how they don't. It just seems like willful ignorance or negligence at this point. And so I've started telling myself to slow down, take a deep breath and just...care a bit less about times. How fast I'm getting things done...etc. Also noticing how many negative thoughts I've had in ONE shift. I've gotten so used to telling myself "im gonna kill myself" "fuck you" "i hate you" "i cant believe this" literally all these things are almost every minute of my work day. And while I think it helps me blow off steam, i wonder if it really is or if I'm allowin that negativity to FESTER even more. Idk... I think my team lead, OUR ONLY ONE LEFT, is out on covid leave and she was even around us still working while having symptoms and having every right to believe its covid. I've never been so furious and disappointed to work at this company. It's apalling just HOW LITTLE people give a fuck. Sickness is spreading like wildfire in our store and my only reason to believe why I haven't gotten sick yet is because I'm perhaps asymptomatic. I understand this new strain Omicron is a lot less sever and fatal, but we shouldn't just be letting up and allowing it to spread. We have such few team members available that I haven't seen a cart cleaner since the new year and rarely seen a cart attendent. Our abandons and being behind on tasks is just as bad as it was for the holidays...perhaps worse. My team mates aren't even meeting regular expectations when it comes to closing (which i have to do tonight) and now I don't know if I'm just wasting my time and doing too much because of how lenient it's gotten. Last time I closed I did practically EVERYTHING by myself. Even WITH someone else there to close with me because he decided he would help with carts and basically do anything but service desk duties. And once again, someone who didnt fucking bother to keep an eye on drive ups because someone else was currently doing them. Even when i asked for help. I cried that night. And I broke down all the way home and into the night again. I wish I could just not care. I wish I didn't feel the effects of this job so fucking heavily like my other team mates seem to. But my environment directly affects me. Especially when theres an expectation for me to perform and maintain it. but where the hell is my recognition???? I receive NONE. NOTHING. Wheres more team member bonuses? hazard pay??? I deserve more than this. In OTHER news....I've since been on a diet since my last mental break down. Restricting my calories to beneath 1200 in the past three days. Also using matcha green tea lattes as an experiment to help. And I've actually lost 5 POUNDS according to the scale. And I can only imagine absolutely all of it was water weight. Which is INSANE to me. I know my diet is mainly carbs and sodium lol...but holy shit five whole pounds of just WATER RETENTION....I definitely looked a LOT less bloated in the mirror. But I still have so much unwanted fat and chub I absolutely want to get rid of. I'm hoping I can at LEAST drop back to my normal weight which was 125. Ultimate goal would be 120 for complete success. But that could take quite a long time. And with the way I am

restricting...I don't know if I can last that long. I went to bed last night feeling hungry even though I filled up at dinner, and my body felt tingly and weak as if...well...i knew it wanted more calories. It's kind of crazy how much I can notice changes and feelings within my body. is it crazy? or does everybody feel these things? I want to say I am more sensitive to changes in my health and body than others. Well, especially when it comes to caffeine cause I can always DEFINITELY feel that. Even matcha lattes give me a super boost feeling. I had a hot matcha latte, tall, the night of my breakdown at work and it was so delicious and the perfect amount. Yesterday I tried a iced grande, but it was quite thick and a little too sweet even though it should have been the same?? But I will probably stick with tall lattes at work from now on. If I don't get sick of it and actually find a benefit from them, I have been researching options for me to buy ingredients to make matcha drinks for myself at home. Not only is Matcha good for anxiety and reducing stress, but represses hunger as well. So I'm all for that. I filled out therapy forms for my future therapy appointment...which I still have to make a call to set up and I'm not looking forward to that. I wish my mom would just do it for me. But anyways...wish me luck invisible reader who is probably just me. lol Time to go to work and close the store with absolute chaos.

[insidiousflame]

1/8/2021

And so here I am. I moved out. It’s still....hard to process. In fact I don’t think I’ve even had enough time to process yet. So far I’ve felt feelings of looming regret and/or fear. “Is this what I want? Did I make a mistake? I want to go home. I want to be with my family.” These thoughts rushed into my brain. Almost as feeling as if I had forced myself out. But this IS what I wanted. I worked so hard and fought for it for so long. But here lies a nasty...bad feeling in my chest. Is it sadness? Fear? Regret? Maybe I truly wasn’t ready even if I had worked hard to convince myself of such. But I was so sick of waiting. When was I going to find the right car? When was I going to get a job transfer? Is this all now a result of my impatience? My Oracle cards told me to “wait”. I didn’t want to and I didn’t know why they would say that. But really, the only one rushing me out was myself. I was just so frustrated that things were not happening on my time. When I wanted them to. But either way, this moment would come eventually. I told myself this is what I wanted to make myself happy and to align more with the ideal vision of my life. And so I found a way to make it happen. I told myself, some things in life require that extra leap despite the risks at stake. So, would these feelings still be present had I waited for that new car and job transfer? I already am fighting feelings of missing my mom. I’m really thinking about her the most. I really treasured getting to sit on the living room couch and talk with her. I don’t want to cry right now. I don’t want chris to see it. Why? Well...I guess I just don’t want to have to explain my feelings or worry him. But I mean. that’s why he’s here right? I mean that’s part of being a life partner is being someone who can. But sometimes you just want to sort through feelings by yourself. Perhaps thats just me tho idk but anyways. It’s still hard to believe this is my home now. I’m not going back to that house to sleep, to eat, to occupy when im not at work. To ask mom whats for dinner and say hi when my dad is around. My siblings occupying their rooms. That energy of my family. I’m sad. I should probably expect to have these feelings for a while. I really hope the happiness and new life I seek can be fulfilled here. Right now, I really just need to process it. I mean, it’s not like I won’t be going down there almost every day for work. I can always drop by the house. Even every week for doing my laundry as my mom offered so kindly. haha So, theyre still there. We’re still connected. It feels like a separation. But I just changed where I occupy. My family is still there. Everything is still the same. I’m just a little more free now. Well...in a sense anyway cause I have more things to be responsible for having moved out from home. But...I will...as I’ve always done. Adjust.