#shame theres no one else in it
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#bitts posts#my pics#nsft#ns/fw#i think i might have the most comfortable bed on earth#shame theres no one else in it
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Let’s take another stab at it. I think I’m getting somewhere!
#‘remind me not to post late’ i said last time. before promptly posting late again today#WELL IM NOT LIKE. NONSENSICAL FROM EXHAUSTION THIS TIME.#IMPROVEMENTS PEOPLE!!!! IMPROVEMENTS!!!!!!!#someone was like ‘i could barely tell’ when i said offhandedly my last post was supposed to be fem sm and i just put my head in my hands#NO SHADE TO THEM i deserved that IM RLLY struggLING. FNSKFFJF. but i think i gourt it…..#the baggy previous shirt made it a bit harder to tell and thus i was forced to.. actually look at his sprite instead of going off memory#what a shame right! i hate looking qt hASHFKKGNB I JUST HEARD A MYSTERY SOUND#CHAT ITS ONE AM IM ALL ALONE IN MOSTLY DARKNESS#?????? im froking out#thas the ghost telling me to shut up#okay girlboss i’ll listen!#BYEEEEE#shadow milk cookie#cookie run kingdom#mystuff#cookie run#crk#‘at least im not nonsensical’ continues to hear sourceless noises. like okay#U GUYS DONT GET IT. IT WAS A SIGH. A VERY HUMAN SIGH. BUT THERES NO ONE ELSE HERE?#OKAY BYE
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Thinking about Lestat seeing Louis’s eating patterns as a waste of his gift/himself while Armand gives Louis food that he literally can not enjoy or digest just so he has something on his stomach
#if i had to give each of louis relationship a theme loustat would be shame and loumand would be enabling#which are both really bad ways of “helping” a partner with an ed#lestats shame and anger tactics only make louis more resentful and less likely to eat#while armand having the little drinks and exotic animals and the human food dont actually deal with louis problem head on-#cus at the end of the day louis is still not eating enough#and i think they really exemplifies both of their trauma and abandonment issues#both of them came up chronically food insecure#lestat was put into the role of provider at a very early age and stayed in that role until he died/was turned#so for him rejecting what lestat gives is like rejecting lestat cus he doesnt have anything else to make him “useful”#and lestats reaction to rejection is anger and control so he tries to shame and control louis into eating more/human#while armand has been abandoned by literally everyone he loves up till this point so for him its like#ok i can make people dtay if i give them what they want and what louis wants is to not feel bad about eating and so armand does that#but it still doesnt get to the root of the issue which is louis having poor coping mechanisms for his grief and other emotions#like either way you slice it. louis is not meeting his nutritional needs. he eats drinks from one guy eats a fox or some other small animal#when he should be having like two dudes at least#and then he has human food which according to anne rice makes vampires vomit up their whole stomach content so...#louis imma send you to my therapist shes great#interview with the vampire#iwtv#louis de pointe du lac#amc iwtv#lestat de lioncourt#ldpdl#iwtv 2022#armand iwtv#armand#loumand#loustat#like armand gives louis food he cant eat just so he knows theres something in louis stomach even for a short while
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Your Horus??? HELLO???? SIR I AM FREE FEB 14
my dyke grandma who LOVESSSS business mens fashion played a part in the choices i made for him
also (╥﹏╥) im so overwhelmed (positively) over the kindness you've all shown me. i really dont know what to do with myself? i struggle a bit with communication and talking to people, but i really am just emphatically thankful and happy!! heres to more! i wish i could return everything you all do for me
#horus lupercal#warhammer#my art#i got tired with this one sorry its kinda obvious#my weed hit and then bound by the ponderosa twins plus one came on and yknow how it goes#but fuck i love you all. theres too much love in my heart and mind#i am a very meek and scared creature and am not really sure what to do with it all#yay warhammr!#i did not expect to find such joy and enrichment from this piece of fiction#theres so much! i draw a lot of primarchs because mmf i love my soaps and 20 demigod siblings are peak political drama#but like holy shit theres so much else like rest of imperium the eldar the admechc i STILL HAVNT DRAWN A SINGLE TYRANID?!?!#SHAMEFUL
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You mentioned once being in the anti community in a post and it appeared on my dash. Sincere question, are a lot of antis religious or come from religious backgrounds? I ask bc looking at the antis from the outside they just seem....very Catholic.
At the time of being an anti, religion was a little bit complicated for me, and I definitely think my experience with religion (specifically Christianity) played a part in the development of being an anti.
I wouldn't doubt anti circles have a lot of overlap with people who have religious trauma or religion-based suppression because this is something I have personally struggled with, and I'm sure it's disproportionate in antis, just seeing how they act.
Aside from religion, I do also believe anti culture has skyrocketed due to very negative societal changes, namely the haphazard sanitization of everything internet, the loss of genuine child spaces on the internet, the banning of anything even potentially lightly offensive that has been an increasing trend in various media spaces (libraries, YouTube, the general internet, etc.), the increasingly performative nature of activism, and the slow but undeniable revival of purity culture and reactionary rhetoric that's been going on in recent years.
I think most of anti culture is, very unfortunately but very obviously, built on feelings of self-shame, narrow-mindedness, and ignorance (which is also arguably spearheaded by literal children), which is why a lot of people have made the reasonable connection between antis and hardcore religious nutcases. They are VERY similar in behavior and thought. More concerned with LOOKING good rather than actually DOING/BEING good, and hellbent on making everyone else exactly like them by any means, but mostly shame and weird "repentance" language.
#proship please interact#proshipper safe#proship#profiction#profic#idk this is just my opinion but#yeah a lot of antis seem to suffer from self shame#Very concerned with making sure people know they're hashtag listening and learning more than anything else#its why theres a running gag of antis having proship side accounts LOL#“antis” with proship side accounts; im so sorry man lol I do hope you dont have to do all that one day#ex anti#ship and let ship
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not over how if you go to the flame wof tag im not in the top blogs . like what do you mean tumblr WHAT . i have like ten billion posts of flame . i drew him every day for THIRTY DAYS STRAIGHT . i am his #1 fan . i AM HIM . do not do me like this tumblr i guarantee you i post about him more than anyone else on this app
#so what if i havent posted a lot of him in the past couple months#i have had anomalocaris brainrot . and i have been suppressing myself from posting about stupid shrimp prior to recently#so forgive me if theres been a bit of a dump because it has been ACCUMULATING .#i will bet my whole LIFE that i have posted more about him than anyone else#guess how many of my tiktoks are dedicated to flame huh?#ONE HUNDRED FIFTY FOUR.#up until my phone storage started failing me i had a photo album with EVERY FRAME OF HIM IN THE GRAPHIC NOVELS.#you are doing me dirty tumblr#at least im like the 4th thing that pops up under anomalocaris . at least tumblr respects my status as number 1 anomalocaris fan . 😒#this is so wrong guys . what on earth#i have NOT been brainrotting over stupid red dragon for like half of my whole life just for tumblr not to address me under the flame wof tag#for shame#flame wof#wof#wings of fire#yap session but in the tags#rave rambles
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nobody touch me i just read kj encore and SO NO ONE'S GONNA FUCKING TALK ABOUT HACHI COMPETING WITH JOKER TO BECOME A THIEF???????
#fweeet#kaitou joker#FUCK YOU AND YOUR POSSESSED PHOENIX MY BOY IS GETTING!!!!! CHARACTER!!!!! DEVELOPMENT!!!!1111111#/lh phoenix holy shit are you okay#POSSESSION THIS PHOENIX THAT KJ ENCORE CAME OUT A MONTH AGO AND NO ONE BOTHERED TO TALK ABOUT THE FACT HACHI'S GROWING UP???????????#SHAME ON ALL OF YOU#(says the world's most deranged hachi fan)#kaitou joker encore#theres no official translation so i had to guess using google translate and whatever chinese characters i could pick out from the kanji#but i think its very likely that kje's gonna be centered more on hachi than anyone else#the first big page (p sure its the promo art we saw before chapter 1 dropped) has some pink text that no one in the discord can make out#but i think its translating into something like 'wanting to become fully-fledged'??????#and another line that is just a mess of words like 'colourful' 'boy' 'final days/final test(???)' 'adult'#so yeah best guess is something about hachi wanting to quickly grow up and his final days before being a fully fledged thief#someone who can read japanese save us 😭#BUT YEAH THEY KNOCK JOKER OUT AT CHAP 2 SO DEFINITELY NOT GONNA BE ABOUT JOKER AT LEAST FOR NOW?????#LIKE HACHI'S GOING BASICALLY SOLO THIS BOY IS GOING PLACES😭#do you know how loud i cheered when i saw him dodging the same fucking spike trap he fell into twice before#AND THEN FIGHTING OFF LASERS BY HIMSELF 😭😭😭😭#MY BOYS GROWN UP😭😭😭😭#its so weird but also... kinda satisfying? he was meant to be a relatable character to the audience as a rookie who messes up#and BY GOD did i relate to him as a kid#but know ive grown up and its kinda nice to see he's also grown???? idk its just neat
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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#wendell#fortnite#so i just found out that my mom cooked smth delicious at home#and only now she decides to cook one#she didnt cook anything while i was staying there when this stupid house that i dont even own is being fixed#she specifically wait for me until this house is “done” aka has a bed even though theres still no clean water or fixed fences#and once im gone she goes back to cooking good food again#and she expects to be normal about this? to not get mad??? after all of my emergency money used up to fix someone else's house?????#i cant believe she expect me to respect or love any of them with this kind of treatment#i wanna cut off them so bad too bad im traumatized and my whole life ive only been striving for their attention and praises#and if i lose it my mental is gonna go down the drain#i hate this so much#how dare she says that she treat all of her children equal#when she only sing praises to my sibling for being able to achieve the assigned goal they made for him#and for my other sibling who now has 2 grand children#they think they didnt know they never talk about me to other people because im the shame of the family#while keep asking me money and making me pay for my brothers family needs#even though they all make the same or even more than me#i hate it#is it because im gay? or what?#like im still your son goddammit that is not ok#fuckkkkk
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wanted to make a poll on if i should but then realised. i dont care this is for me so im doing it anyways :3 sooooo
#fr#flight rising#to clarify. im prolly gonna do this no matter what lol this isnt even a “seeing jf thered be an audience” deal#its purely for me but im just curious :3#not big story btw its honestly just. in character doodles. id do it on this blog but iiii dont like mixing IC and OOC posts lol#also ask memes kinda stuff would go there yk? so like. general fr sideblog (this one) and tjen oc based fr sideblog#no shame btw to ppl who dont send asks i get it its haaaaarddddd#also pspsps if anyone else is interested in making one i am lookignat you :3 hold my paw lets roleplay dragons on tumblr together... /silly
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being in the DS9 fandom, you'll discover there are so many ways for people to be wrong about julian bashir
#wow i don't like a lot of you#baffled at how a predominantly autistic fanbase can be so contemptful of autistic behaviour#buddies i think you're the ones who are cringe. see i cringe WITH julian not against him#and not even just that#theres the ''julian is stupid about everything that isn't medicine'' thing#fuck you that man is a starfleet officer and he's a genius. i saw him fix a console and i was genuinely surprised because of this shit#''julian is stupid'' ''julian is annoying'' ''julian is insufferable'' ''julian deserves to be bullied'' and so on and so forth#wow. i hate. all of you. and based on the way y'all talk? you guys would hate me too#oh and worst take of all. like on a moral level:#''julians parents were in the right for doing what they did. its natural for a parent to want to have a normal child''#and other such ableist takes. literally i have seen people like that#i saw somebody baffled by that ep being like ''what did julians parents do wrong. they helped him. what is julian upset about''#and holy shit. that is. so fucked up#besides all that. the way the fandom and the show is mean to julian pisses me off#Why Are His Friends So Mean To Him#i have this brain thing where i take criticism of julian bashir as a personal attack. its called autism#sometimes an autistic-coded character in star trek will say something the narrative has deemed as Wrong#and i can tell thats what im being told because i understand media language but im still baffled like ''Whats The Problem''#spock. data. seven. julian. and its like... actually guys its everybody else who is being weird and mean about this#i do find it a little sad knowing that if i existed on DS9 that o'brien and kira wouldn't like me. like damn. i like you guys#anyways i have a lot of the DS9 fandom blocked because they got me at risk of developing a wee chunk of self loathing. and i refuse#i wasnt raised to feel shame how dare you
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hate having interests hate hate hate
#mik talks#hate how excited this fucking show makes me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#why am i so autistic#do people actually enjoy this... being this excited over something that your entire body vibrates and your heart beats really fast#and you feel like throwing up almost and cant sleep and dont care about anything else and cant make yourself care about anything else?#and its like okay any moment now im gonna open my mouth to my friends again and become super annoying.#contrary to popular belief i actually try to be normal#and theres this deep deep deep shame over it like oh... i am gross and creepy and wasting my life on shit no one cares about#i will never post about my interests on tumblr even if it got me more followers or more likeminded friends.#id rather just let them eat holes inside my organs forever i kinda dig the pain#its like my own private religion i worship#religion of fantasy faggotland sory i love that phrase a lot
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Ykno I think it's kind of funny how some people r so against sharing that they're into any fan stuff ever with Anyone they know irl. Then there's me. I'll tell my friends. I'll tell my family. I'll tell my COWORKERS. That I write fanfiction.
Like it's rly not that big of a deal I don't think. I like my funny little guys and I like to put them into situations. It's pretty normal.
#speculation nation#my dad sometimes mentions how he wishes id let him read my writing hfkshfj#my grandma too. and im just like#u guys wouldnt rly understand it Anyways and it's uh. well. 'personal' i tell them lmao#my sister has commented in such conversations that she has access to my writing but doesnt read it bc it's just not made for her#bc she follows me on here (Hi Sis if u see this lol) and obvs i have my works linked#then theres my coworkers. for the ones im chill with im like 'if u get into the thing im writing for then i Actively Encourage u to read it'#bc they count as friends and so im like. Look At It. u must hear about my little guys. i will tell U sooo much#i think my lack of shame about this stuff is bc ive long cast off the shackles of trying to be 'normal'#i know im not. i embrace it. if anyone else has a problem with it thats not my problem lmao#living a more authentic me. fanfiction writing and all.
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but nothing's fair, at least for me -mp100
Tome couldn’t focus.
Her eyes glazed over and the words on the worksheet in front of her swam. Through the cotton in her brain, she registered the droning voice of her teacher. He waved around a textbook– probably recounting some historical event she couldn’t care less about.
Tome glanced around the room, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. Her classmates were in similar states of boredom; each face slack and tired. A few students were even asleep at their desks. Her gaze wandered to the handful of interesting faces she recognised– girls she found herself getting hung up on, despite the fact she was sure they didn’t even know she existed. And if they did, the impression she gave was an unflattering one. Between mind numbing classes and having to force herself to care about boys when the topic sprung up, all Tome wanted to talk about with the other girls in her class was the things she was passionate about. Of course, whenever she brought up aliens, telepaths, spirits and all other manners of the supernatural and felt herself finally engage with the conversation, everyone else disengaged. And soon, she was sitting in on another discussion about a celebrity who she had never heard of. Tome blew out a heavy sigh, ruffling her choppy bangs.
Now in her first year in highschool, Tome found herself friendless, clubless, and most depressingly– girlfriendless. Of course, it’s not like she could date in the first place– she didn’t know any other sapphics in the whole school, let alone her small social circle.
Sometimes, she let herself linger on random pretty girls in her classes. In times like these, she would abandon her school work and daydream about them. Maybe it wasn’t the best to lose herself in these elaborate scenarios, but she felt so under stimulated at school now, she found herself in her own head time and time again.
It was surreal– the idea that she could write love letters and confess her feelings with nothing more than a broken heart. She imagined walking hand-in-hand with the blond girl a few seats ahead of her; or taking the girl next to her to a cafe and eating cute little cakes and tea together. Tome forced herself out of that mindset before she could get even more lonely.
There were very real consequences for her true feelings. Her stomach turned as she pictured it: weird looks in the halls, insults whispered behind her back, alienation even worse than it was now. If she didn’t have wonderful, supportive friends back at Salt Mid, she would be worried about them turning on her too.
So, she elected to keep her feelings to herself. Every day, she just coasted by, drifting from class to class until she could go home and see her real friends. She threw herself into her alien research, eventually finding herself taking an interest in spirits and psychics. Which led her to an unofficial placement with Mob’s boss– a man who came off as sketchy, but knew more about spirits than anyone she had ever met. And she still appreciated the New Years trip Reigen took her and her friends on, on top of that. So, she found herself scurrying to Spirits and Such after school every day.
She walked to work with the same stance she took during school– head ducked down and watching the sidewalk with rapt attention as she contemplated her isolation. Maybe she would ask Mob to go on a hike with her on the weekend. Maybe that would take the edge off of the emptiness that had made a home in her chest.
The door chimed as she arrived at the office. Tome made a bee-line for her desk and crashed into her seat. She heaved another great sigh, catching the attention of the only full-time employee at Spirits and Such.
Serizawa cleared his throat, “Good afternoon, Miss Kurata.” He greeted politely. Tome nodded at him, sliding forward until she was laying across her desk. She stretched her hands out like a disgruntled cat.
“Hey, Serizawa…” She said glumly. Serizawa placed down his pen, turning away from his homework.
“Are you alright? You look a little upset.” He asked tentatively. Tome closed her eyes.
She contemplated whether she could confide in her coworker– she wanted help sorting out the tangled ball of feelings in her chest so badly. But, she had only known Serizawa for about a month; he was nice and very sincere, if a little jumpy, but that didn’t mean he could understand her in the way she needed.
She decided to bite the bullet. If push came to shove and Serizawa was an ass about it, Tome trusted Reigen to step in and help her. A loud swear came from the kitchenette in the next room and Tome smiled faintly.
“I just… I’ve been feeling a little off lately, I guess.” She scratched her cheek, “None of my friends go to my school anymore so…” She shrugged. Serizawa nodded slowly in understanding.
He hummed, “Why don’t you ask them to lunch sometime? Shigeo mentioned something about a park he wanted to visit last time he was here.”
“It’s not that,” she huffed, “I do stuff with them all the time. It’s different.” Papers shuffled as Serizawa packed his work away. He laced his hands together on his lap, giving Tome his full attention.
“How?” He implored. Tome turned to rest her other cheek on the desk, burying her face in her arm.
“Mmrhmmm,” She mumbled into her sleeve.
“Sorry, what was that?” Serizawa asked earnestly.
Tome sat back, frustration colouring her voice, “All day I just go to class, zone out, go to my next class, eat lunch alone, go to class– it’s so mundane! I don’t have a club to mess around in anymore, or even people to hang out with! And- and I haven’t even- uhm…” She stopped her rant, face growing warm. Serizawa kept giving her the same open look and Tome found herself actually wanting to tell him the other half of her problem. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to pick apart the knots her stomach had twisted into. She wanted to talk about it– it would swallow her whole if she didn’t– but deep down, she was scared. Tome liked this office and her shiny new job and weird but fun boss (even when he insisted every job was too dangerous for her and that she wasn’t actually employed). The last thing she wanted was to break the comfortable atmosphere she was just starting to settle into.
Because that’s what happened when she spoke her true desires– someone laughed uncomfortably, and a sharp and surprised “Oh.” would slip out between the tense silence.
Tome coughed, picking at a chip in her desk so she wouldn't have to face him. Her hair fell like a curtain in front of her face, shielding her from the inevitable judgemental twinge Serizawa’s gaze would take on.
“Well uh- uhm… sometimes I wonder if I- I-” she cleared her throat, “If I’m behind on the whole… romance thing.” Tome scratched at the desk harder, picking off the cheap veneer in longer strips now. She grinned despite the quaking fear in her chest, “Y’know because I’ve never had- never had a-” the words caught in her throat, choking her.
Something clinked on her desk. A cup of tea sat under her nose, steam curling up into her face. She took a sip, despite the way her stomach was twisting, and noted it was her favourite flavour. Serizawa smiled down at her, eyebrows quirked with worry.
“It’s okay to be a late bloomer,” he chuckled awkwardly, hands twisting in front of his chest, “To be honest, I’m about fifteen years late to the boyfriend game, as well.”
Tome’s neck cricked with the speed her head snapped up to stare at her coworker.
“B-boyfriend?” She sputtered, voice just above a whisper.
Did I hear that right? Is there hope for me afterall? She thought excitedly.
Serizawa nodded, gaze fixed just above her head at a poster on the wall. He smiled, melancholy, “Well, yes… shutting yourself off from the world and then joining a terrorist organization doesn't really open you up to a lot of potential relationships…" He started fiddling with his tie, setting it askew and, eventually, completely undoing it.
Tome shook her head– what might have been shocking to her when she started working there was now nothing more than a passing fact. 'My coworker was a psychic terrorist' was much less mindblowing than 'my coworker might be queer.'
"No, I get that part! But- but I mean- you- are you-?" Her words were jumbled, all trying to climb out of her mouth at the same time and ending up as gibberish.
Just as she was about to try again, Reigen burst into the main office. He waved his phone around excitedly, pointing at it and mouthing indistinguishable words at his employees. Serizawa gave him a thumbs up anyways.
"Right, of course. Yes. Thursday? Here, let me check our schedule…" He shuffled around a few papers, loud enough for the person on the other end of the call to hear. She craned her neck, spotting a half cut up grocery store flyer open on Reigen's desk. It was missing all of the coupons.
He clicked his tongue, "Looks like we're going to be pretty packed… Ah!" Reigen poked a random paper, "With a little rescheduling, it looks like I can squeeze you in at noon. 'That sounds great'?" He raised his eyebrows, grinning fox-like at Serizawa. Business had been slow lately– or so Tome thought, since she was only shooed out once or twice a day– so Reigen was putting all of his tricks to snagging clients to use.
Reigen ended the call with a sing-songy company-mandated goodbye, even going so far as to smile into the receiver. With a sharp 'clat', Reigen shut his phone.
"Alright, you two! We've got a big client tomorrow so I need you out of the office," Tome slumped back down in her seat, good mood extinguished immediately.
He rounded on Serizawa, pointing in his face, "And you-" Reigen froze, rant cutting off suddenly. With a sigh, he stepped right into Serizawa's personal space, nearly standing on his feet.
"Honestly, Serizawa!" He took his employee's tie into his hands, "Haven't I told you to stop messing with your tie? It makes you look unprofessional– which reflects badly on me, as your employer, y'know-" Reigen rambled. Swiftly, he redid Serizawa's tie, tugging on it until it fit snugly under his collar. Just as he was readjusting it– and patting down Serizawa's shirt one too many times– Tome found the words she wanted to say earlier.
Unfortunately, that meant she suddenly blurted it out in front of Reigen, as well.
"Are you gay?!"
Serizawa stiffened; the small smile on his face widened into a grimace. All of the colour drained from his cheeks.
Meanwhile, Reigen twisted to look at her in abject horror. More sweat than she had ever seen a human being produce gathered on his face.
Tome's stomach dropped.
You fucked up big time, Kurata. What happened to wanting to keep this job? Look at them– they're humiliated! Why can't you just keep your big mouth shut sometimes-
Reigen cleared his throat, dropping Serizawa's tie like it burned him. Unsubtly, he scrambled away from his employee.
"Well-!" He laughed, high-pitched and stilted, reminding her of a hyena. He took another step away from Serizawa, giving him a wide berth, "That's- y'see about that-"
Tome sprung up from her seat on unsteady feet. Ice cold hands wrapped around her stomach, wringing it. She folded, bowing so deeply her nose nearly touched her desk.
"I am so, so sorry, Reigen-san! I-I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable– or you, Serizawa-san!" Tears pricked in the corners of her eyes. Her heart was beating heavily in her ears, "I know that was weird to ask, I-I do-don't know why I did that." She tried to laugh, blinking away the wetness in her eyes. Tome came out of her bow, wobbly grin plastered on her face as she stared at the wall. She couldn't look Reigen in the eye and see disgust– that would be her last straw.
Tome picked up her untouched schoolbag, slinging it haphazardly over her shoulder, "I'll leave, it's fine!"
Before she could sprint out of the office, a clammy hand landed on her shoulder.
"Hey! Tome, it's– okay, it was a little bit… strange to ask out of nowhere," Tome hiccupped, face puckering as she held in her tears, "Shit! Look, kid, we're not mad at you or anything, okay?" Reigen crouched in front of her, raising his hands but unsure what to do with them, "Right, Serizawa?" He looked up for support; Serizawa answered with a strangled squeak. He hadn't broken out of his stock-still grimace.
Reigen stood with a huff. She turned again to leave– before being turned around once more and steered towards Reigen's desk with a hand on her back. He pushed her into the client's chair, settling in his own across from her.
"I'm not letting you leave in tears, Tome." He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, "Now spill– why did you ask…" He cleared his throat, looking away as his face warmed, "that?"
Tome wanted to vomit.
"And don't say you don't know," he continued, pointing at her accusingly, "I can tell when something's up with you kids."
Tome sniffled, raising her gaze from her lap momentarily to fix him with a subdued look of amazement, "With your esper powers?" Reigen winced, covering it up with a grimace of his own.
"Ah, yeah… with my powers." He said dejectedly, "Don't change the subject."
She eyed Serizawa under her bangs; he still hadn't moved, wide-eyed shock on his face unchanging. She had a feeling he would never forgive her for this.
Reigen snapped in her face, bringing her back into their conversation. She drew in a deep breath, ready to make a big, roundabout speech to apologise to them both while brushing off the root cause of this whole problem. When she opened her mouth, all that came out was a sob.
"Tome-?! Jeez- Serizawa, get her a glass of water or something! Oh shit, kid- uh, fuck- please stop crying?" Reigen floundered. He had no idea how to get Tome to calm down. This wasn't anything like one of Mob's explosions– nor was it extreme enough to be like his recent, non-psychic meltdowns. Sure, Mob wasn't blowing up the office every time his emotions overwhelmed him anymore, but Reigen had known Mob for years; he could comfort or talk him down in the way he needed. He had just met Tome a month ago.
"I'm so lonely, Reigen-san!" She shouted into her palms, "A-an-and I ha-ate it because," she hiccupped, "there's no-othing I can do about it!"
Reigen was still reeling, but set aside his confusion. At least she was outright telling him what the deal was.
He reached across the desk to pat her on the shoulder.
"Take a deep breath for me, kid. You're going to faint if you keep that up." She nodded vigorously. He had to keep himself from making a face when she wiped her snotty, tear stained face on her uniform's sleeve.
"Sorry…" She mumbled, gaze fixed on her skirt as she smoothed out its wrinkles. Her voice was hushed and slightly congested as she continued, "I um… I guess I've been feeling a touch…" She laughed at herself. It was self-deprecating in a way that made Reigen's skin crawl; it was much too similar to the one that echoed in his own thoughts.
"Well, a lot lonelier, lately. And now that I'm in highschool… I'm wondering if… um," This was way worse than talking to Serizawa– looking her boss in the eye and telling him her girl troubles was worse than any kind of torture she could imagine, "If it's abnormal for a girl my age…"
When she chanced a look at him, Reigen's eyes were wide as dinner plates. Another round of sweat had broken out under his bangs and he was getting paler by the second.
"W-wait, if this is- I'm not qualified to deal with- you should really talk to your mom about that-" His strangled voice squeaked out.
"I'm a lesbian." She finally admitted it. The word hung heavy in the air between them. Doubt dug its claws into her the longer Reigen just stared at her without saying anything. A few moments felt like minutes to Tome.
She was about to take it back– run home and hide under the safe covers of her bed, playing Zelda for the foreseeable future instead of ever coming back to work– when Reigen deflated, a wobbly smile tugging at his lips.
"Oh god, Tome, is that it? I thought– well, I'm not sure what I thought you were trying to say, but I'm glad it's not that." He chuckled, relief written all over his relaxed posture. She gaped at him.
"You're… happy?" She hadn't expected him to blow up at her or anything, but she thought maybe it would be a little more awkward than this. Reigen's smile dimmed and he looked at her sadly.
"Did you think I was going to be upset?" She pursed her lips and nodded. His face fell again, but he quickly plastered a more neutral expression over it.
Reigen got out of his chair with a grunt, stretching a bit as he stood. He rounded the desk, leaning on her side of it. From behind his back, he grabbed the little paper cup of water Serizawa filled for her. She took it gratefully.
Reigen sighed, "Being queer is not the end of the world, trust me. I know it feels like that, especially at your age, but it's true. Soon, this stage in your life will pass and you'll find some place where you fit in. Just hang in there, kiddo."
She sipped on her water, "It doesn't feel like it'll get better." Tome mumbled into her cup. Reigen laughed, and it was the same insecure tone she took earlier.
"I know…" He glanced at Serizawa cautiously, "But look at me! Successful business, lots of friends, a bunch of you brats hanging around," She dodged the hand reaching out to ruffle her hair, giggling into her water.
"I'm perfectly happy where I am. I promise, you will be too."
Tome rubbed at her nose one last time, "Can Spirits and Such be my place?" She asked.
"You're going to have to talk to your teachers about that." He said, all business again. She huffed playfully.
"I come out to you– in tears, boss– and you're still bullying me like this?"
Reigen rolled his eyes, "Don't call me that until you're actually employed here, kid."
"Well then, don't call me kid until-"
Their bickering petered out as a long shadow cast over them. An oppressive atmosphere pressed at her back. She knew this feeling– it was one she felt often when Mob was around. Like someone had sucked all of the pressure out of the room and concentrated it in one person. It felt like unstable emotions; it felt like psychic powers.
Tome turned to see Serizawa towering over her.
His face was stony, eyebrows set low and mouth set in a hard frown. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears.
"Miss Kurata?" His kind voice muttered. She jolted, a wave of nausea hitting her immediately.
"Yeah?" She asked, just above a whisper. Tome's teeth started chattering.
Reigen tensed, gaze flicking between Tome and Serizawa. He sat up straighter.
Serizawa's hands were folded in front of him. He started to fidget, staring at his hands as he laced and unlaced them.
Suddenly, he looked up at Tome. A smile broke out over his face, the warmth of it reaching his crinkling eyes.
"Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. We're lucky to have you here with us."
She wanted to cry all over again.
Instead, she brought the two businessmen into an awkward, but tight hug. She squeezed them until Reigen was gasping for air and trying to pry her arms off of him.
Tome left that day with a new mission: become the best employee Spirits and Such had ever seen and win the friendship of its inhabitants. Which started with a formal employment form from her homeroom teacher.
#this ones a little older#idk if anyone else has this problem but i find writing more explicitly queer stuff like this is really hard#bclike i dont want to make it super cliche and ooc but its hard to put my own queer experience into words yknow?#im a lesbian therefor tome is a lesbian lol but seriously she is a lesbian. like canonically to me <3#and i also feel like theres a certain shame i feel writing queer stories. like maybe its cringe culture poisoning-#-but i feel bad and embarrassed writing characters as queer and experiencing queerness + homophobia#hm well time to pack that away and hopefully never think about it again#tome's experiences here are directly influenced by my own btw. i've gotten that same ''oh'' many times lol#ppl arent expecting lesbians to be lurking in their groups ig#mob psycho 100#mp100#reigen arataka#serizawa katsuya#tome kurata#my fic#read the reigen manga#she is everything to me <3333333#this is set before the reigen manga but after mp100#serirei#a little. its in the background but its there#ik i say this everytime lol but i hope my characterization is good. thats the most important fic thing to me#title from arthur's song ''ivy league''
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#OH BOY#so i finally called grandma and told her i lost my job#i have been putting this off bc of the shame and once you tell one member of my italian side the entIRE FAMILY knows#But she managed to hit me back with even worse news#A family member has bone cancer and it sounds bad#Like my grandma callyerdogs off started refusing food at the very end of the cancer#And it sounds like he's starting to do that#Everybody is spending entire days in the hospital it sounds very much like with what was happening with grandpa#i dont want to go into details#Anyway on top of this my childhood bff is getting married in atlanta at the end of august#So i was going to visit grandma at the same time#And now she's being like no no no theres no need to come and im like GRANDMA PLEASE lol ;_;#And by lol i mean just for once could my family not be so fucking stubbornly self reliant im crying and begging over here#The tentative plan is to fly to pittsburgh after atlanta instead and stay with my dance buddy#and then i can be like look grandma im already here its a four hour drive i will see you in four hours#and stay for as long as they let me and then fly back from the burgh#But needless to say this is all a mess and i need to make actual plans SOON#:(#Im looking up flights the cheapest way would be to book a round trip ticket LA to atlanta and then a round trip atlanta to the burgh#Is this a bad idea? Does anyone else have experience doing this? Like for an extra 500$ i could do a three city ticket but that seems silly#I guess the problem would be if a flight got canceled or delayed but if i get travelers insurance for the flights#thats probably still less than the 500+ extra it would cost to do a three city trip#The other option is driving from georgia to the burgh which ive done once when going to florida with chezzy and family#So i know its a 13ish? Hour drive but i also know i can do it lol#I think the gas + car rental would cost more than the flight tbh#But i also love road trips
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i feel like it's such a cruel joke from God that everything that makes me better also makes me feel worse.
#the attitude of 'no one else will do it if not you' along with 'you need to put in more than the bare min. because--#--this bare minimum does not make an effect on people tf is this'#was things i started thinking to motivate myself to draw more than headshots all the time & actually start putting the ideas i had onto--#paper and at least trying to tell my stories in anything more than a meaningless ramble#(i still ramble sometimes but i at least try to think of how to do it now)#and it worked#and im doing actual things now#but now this same logic is hurtful because it pushes me to make more&more&more#just to get my ideas out there#bcs just saying the idea out loud isnt enough. people will not be interested in just listening to that#i need to like make a drawing or something#and theres so many ideas and i cant make something for all of them but IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THAT.#im the only one. and i should be the only one because getting someone else to do so is 1. not possible 2. shameful.#like oooohhh can you make this idea i had real because i cant. jesus christ id rather fall into the ground.#please dont internalize this btw. this isnt a good attitude to have. not at all!!#but now im stuck in this hell because its the only way i get to keep going#the only way im capable of doing anything and being productive is by forcing myself to do so. by pulling myself up by strings#and beating myself up into what i want to do#i will not do it if i wont force myself to.#...does this classify as executive dysfunction?#i never thought it did but#now that i phrased it that way#god i wish i had the balls to ask my parents for therapy#BY THE WAY TO CLARIFY#'DOING THINGS'? IN THIS CONTEXT?#MEANS LIKE. MAKING SHITPOSTS.#SOMETIMES MAKING COMICS OR WRITING A ONE SHOT BUT I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THAT TO THIS DAY.#IT WAS MOSTLY LITERALLY DRAWING A DOODLE COMIC INSTEAD OF WRITING SOMETHING IN A DIALOGUE FORM#BECAUSE DIALOGUES DIDNT CHANNEL WHAT I WANTED TO SHOW RIGHT AND SHITPOST COMICS MADE IT MORE INTERESTING TOO.#oh yeah and theres a thing to be said about how so much for this if not all is just so that other people would look at it.
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