#shame theres no one else in it

[bittsandpieces]

[shaadowmilkcookie]

Let’s take another stab at it. I think I’m getting somewhere!

[threeyrslost]

You mentioned once being in the anti community in a post and it appeared on my dash. Sincere question, are a lot of antis religious or come from religious backgrounds? I ask bc looking at the antis from the outside they just seem....very Catholic.

At the time of being an anti, religion was a little bit complicated for me, and I definitely think my experience with religion (specifically Christianity) played a part in the development of being an anti.

I wouldn't doubt anti circles have a lot of overlap with people who have religious trauma or religion-based suppression because this is something I have personally struggled with, and I'm sure it's disproportionate in antis, just seeing how they act.

Aside from religion, I do also believe anti culture has skyrocketed due to very negative societal changes, namely the haphazard sanitization of everything internet, the loss of genuine child spaces on the internet, the banning of anything even potentially lightly offensive that has been an increasing trend in various media spaces (libraries, YouTube, the general internet, etc.), the increasingly performative nature of activism, and the slow but undeniable revival of purity culture and reactionary rhetoric that's been going on in recent years.

I think most of anti culture is, very unfortunately but very obviously, built on feelings of self-shame, narrow-mindedness, and ignorance (which is also arguably spearheaded by literal children), which is why a lot of people have made the reasonable connection between antis and hardcore religious nutcases. They are VERY similar in behavior and thought. More concerned with LOOKING good rather than actually DOING/BEING good, and hellbent on making everyone else exactly like them by any means, but mostly shame and weird "repentance" language.

[ravewing]

not over how if you go to the flame wof tag im not in the top blogs . like what do you mean tumblr WHAT . i have like ten billion posts of flame . i drew him every day for THIRTY DAYS STRAIGHT . i am his #1 fan . i AM HIM . do not do me like this tumblr i guarantee you i post about him more than anyone else on this app

[simptasia]

being in the DS9 fandom, you'll discover there are so many ways for people to be wrong about julian bashir

[loud-whistling-yes]

nobody touch me i just read kj encore and SO NO ONE'S GONNA FUCKING TALK ABOUT HACHI COMPETING WITH JOKER TO BECOME A THIEF???????

[softshuji]

eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

[koko2unite]

[corvid-convergence]

wanted to make a poll on if i should but then realised. i dont care this is for me so im doing it anyways :3 sooooo

[pendr4gonz]

this song is so peak genuinely

[mothslimes]

hate having interests hate hate hate

[orcelito]

Ykno I think it's kind of funny how some people r so against sharing that they're into any fan stuff ever with Anyone they know irl. Then there's me. I'll tell my friends. I'll tell my family. I'll tell my COWORKERS. That I write fanfiction.

Like it's rly not that big of a deal I don't think. I like my funny little guys and I like to put them into situations. It's pretty normal.

[fiendishartist2]

but nothing's fair, at least for me -mp100

Tome couldn’t focus.

Her eyes glazed over and the words on the worksheet in front of her swam. Through the cotton in her brain, she registered the droning voice of her teacher. He waved around a textbook– probably recounting some historical event she couldn’t care less about.

Tome glanced around the room, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. Her classmates were in similar states of boredom; each face slack and tired. A few students were even asleep at their desks. Her gaze wandered to the handful of interesting faces she recognised– girls she found herself getting hung up on, despite the fact she was sure they didn’t even know she existed. And if they did, the impression she gave was an unflattering one. Between mind numbing classes and having to force herself to care about boys when the topic sprung up, all Tome wanted to talk about with the other girls in her class was the things she was passionate about. Of course, whenever she brought up aliens, telepaths, spirits and all other manners of the supernatural and felt herself finally engage with the conversation, everyone else disengaged. And soon, she was sitting in on another discussion about a celebrity who she had never heard of. Tome blew out a heavy sigh, ruffling her choppy bangs.

Now in her first year in highschool, Tome found herself friendless, clubless, and most depressingly– girlfriendless. Of course, it’s not like she could date in the first place– she didn’t know any other sapphics in the whole school, let alone her small social circle.

Sometimes, she let herself linger on random pretty girls in her classes. In times like these, she would abandon her school work and daydream about them. Maybe it wasn’t the best to lose herself in these elaborate scenarios, but she felt so under stimulated at school now, she found herself in her own head time and time again.

It was surreal– the idea that she could write love letters and confess her feelings with nothing more than a broken heart. She imagined walking hand-in-hand with the blond girl a few seats ahead of her; or taking the girl next to her to a cafe and eating cute little cakes and tea together. Tome forced herself out of that mindset before she could get even more lonely.

There were very real consequences for her true feelings. Her stomach turned as she pictured it: weird looks in the halls, insults whispered behind her back, alienation even worse than it was now. If she didn’t have wonderful, supportive friends back at Salt Mid, she would be worried about them turning on her too.

So, she elected to keep her feelings to herself. Every day, she just coasted by, drifting from class to class until she could go home and see her real friends. She threw herself into her alien research, eventually finding herself taking an interest in spirits and psychics. Which led her to an unofficial placement with Mob’s boss– a man who came off as sketchy, but knew more about spirits than anyone she had ever met. And she still appreciated the New Years trip Reigen took her and her friends on, on top of that. So, she found herself scurrying to Spirits and Such after school every day.

She walked to work with the same stance she took during school– head ducked down and watching the sidewalk with rapt attention as she contemplated her isolation. Maybe she would ask Mob to go on a hike with her on the weekend. Maybe that would take the edge off of the emptiness that had made a home in her chest.

The door chimed as she arrived at the office. Tome made a bee-line for her desk and crashed into her seat. She heaved another great sigh, catching the attention of the only full-time employee at Spirits and Such.

Serizawa cleared his throat, “Good afternoon, Miss Kurata.” He greeted politely. Tome nodded at him, sliding forward until she was laying across her desk. She stretched her hands out like a disgruntled cat.

“Hey, Serizawa…” She said glumly. Serizawa placed down his pen, turning away from his homework.

“Are you alright? You look a little upset.” He asked tentatively. Tome closed her eyes.

She contemplated whether she could confide in her coworker– she wanted help sorting out the tangled ball of feelings in her chest so badly. But, she had only known Serizawa for about a month; he was nice and very sincere, if a little jumpy, but that didn’t mean he could understand her in the way she needed.

She decided to bite the bullet. If push came to shove and Serizawa was an ass about it, Tome trusted Reigen to step in and help her. A loud swear came from the kitchenette in the next room and Tome smiled faintly.

“I just… I’ve been feeling a little off lately, I guess.” She scratched her cheek, “None of my friends go to my school anymore so…” She shrugged. Serizawa nodded slowly in understanding.

He hummed, “Why don’t you ask them to lunch sometime? Shigeo mentioned something about a park he wanted to visit last time he was here.”

“It’s not that,” she huffed, “I do stuff with them all the time. It’s different.” Papers shuffled as Serizawa packed his work away. He laced his hands together on his lap, giving Tome his full attention.

“How?” He implored. Tome turned to rest her other cheek on the desk, burying her face in her arm.

“Mmrhmmm,” She mumbled into her sleeve.

“Sorry, what was that?” Serizawa asked earnestly.

Tome sat back, frustration colouring her voice, “All day I just go to class, zone out, go to my next class, eat lunch alone, go to class– it’s so mundane! I don’t have a club to mess around in anymore, or even people to hang out with! And- and I haven’t even- uhm…” She stopped her rant, face growing warm. Serizawa kept giving her the same open look and Tome found herself actually wanting to tell him the other half of her problem. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to pick apart the knots her stomach had twisted into. She wanted to talk about it– it would swallow her whole if she didn’t– but deep down, she was scared. Tome liked this office and her shiny new job and weird but fun boss (even when he insisted every job was too dangerous for her and that she wasn’t actually employed). The last thing she wanted was to break the comfortable atmosphere she was just starting to settle into.

Because that’s what happened when she spoke her true desires– someone laughed uncomfortably, and a sharp and surprised “Oh.” would slip out between the tense silence.

Tome coughed, picking at a chip in her desk so she wouldn't have to face him. Her hair fell like a curtain in front of her face, shielding her from the inevitable judgemental twinge Serizawa’s gaze would take on.

“Well uh- uhm… sometimes I wonder if I- I-” she cleared her throat, “If I’m behind on the whole… romance thing.” Tome scratched at the desk harder, picking off the cheap veneer in longer strips now. She grinned despite the quaking fear in her chest, “Y’know because I’ve never had- never had a-” the words caught in her throat, choking her.

Something clinked on her desk. A cup of tea sat under her nose, steam curling up into her face. She took a sip, despite the way her stomach was twisting, and noted it was her favourite flavour. Serizawa smiled down at her, eyebrows quirked with worry.

“It’s okay to be a late bloomer,” he chuckled awkwardly, hands twisting in front of his chest, “To be honest, I’m about fifteen years late to the boyfriend game, as well.”

Tome’s neck cricked with the speed her head snapped up to stare at her coworker.

“B-boyfriend?” She sputtered, voice just above a whisper.

Did I hear that right? Is there hope for me afterall? She thought excitedly.

Serizawa nodded, gaze fixed just above her head at a poster on the wall. He smiled, melancholy, “Well, yes… shutting yourself off from the world and then joining a terrorist organization doesn't really open you up to a lot of potential relationships…" He started fiddling with his tie, setting it askew and, eventually, completely undoing it.

Tome shook her head– what might have been shocking to her when she started working there was now nothing more than a passing fact. 'My coworker was a psychic terrorist' was much less mindblowing than 'my coworker might be queer.'

"No, I get that part! But- but I mean- you- are you-?" Her words were jumbled, all trying to climb out of her mouth at the same time and ending up as gibberish.

Just as she was about to try again, Reigen burst into the main office. He waved his phone around excitedly, pointing at it and mouthing indistinguishable words at his employees. Serizawa gave him a thumbs up anyways.

"Right, of course. Yes. Thursday? Here, let me check our schedule…" He shuffled around a few papers, loud enough for the person on the other end of the call to hear. She craned her neck, spotting a half cut up grocery store flyer open on Reigen's desk. It was missing all of the coupons.

He clicked his tongue, "Looks like we're going to be pretty packed… Ah!" Reigen poked a random paper, "With a little rescheduling, it looks like I can squeeze you in at noon. 'That sounds great'?" He raised his eyebrows, grinning fox-like at Serizawa. Business had been slow lately– or so Tome thought, since she was only shooed out once or twice a day– so Reigen was putting all of his tricks to snagging clients to use.

Reigen ended the call with a sing-songy company-mandated goodbye, even going so far as to smile into the receiver. With a sharp 'clat', Reigen shut his phone.

"Alright, you two! We've got a big client tomorrow so I need you out of the office," Tome slumped back down in her seat, good mood extinguished immediately.

He rounded on Serizawa, pointing in his face, "And you-" Reigen froze, rant cutting off suddenly. With a sigh, he stepped right into Serizawa's personal space, nearly standing on his feet.

"Honestly, Serizawa!" He took his employee's tie into his hands, "Haven't I told you to stop messing with your tie? It makes you look unprofessional– which reflects badly on me, as your employer, y'know-" Reigen rambled. Swiftly, he redid Serizawa's tie, tugging on it until it fit snugly under his collar. Just as he was readjusting it– and patting down Serizawa's shirt one too many times– Tome found the words she wanted to say earlier.

Unfortunately, that meant she suddenly blurted it out in front of Reigen, as well.

"Are you gay?!"

Serizawa stiffened; the small smile on his face widened into a grimace. All of the colour drained from his cheeks.

Meanwhile, Reigen twisted to look at her in abject horror. More sweat than she had ever seen a human being produce gathered on his face.

Tome's stomach dropped.

You fucked up big time, Kurata. What happened to wanting to keep this job? Look at them– they're humiliated! Why can't you just keep your big mouth shut sometimes-

Reigen cleared his throat, dropping Serizawa's tie like it burned him. Unsubtly, he scrambled away from his employee.

"Well-!" He laughed, high-pitched and stilted, reminding her of a hyena. He took another step away from Serizawa, giving him a wide berth, "That's- y'see about that-"

Tome sprung up from her seat on unsteady feet. Ice cold hands wrapped around her stomach, wringing it. She folded, bowing so deeply her nose nearly touched her desk.

"I am so, so sorry, Reigen-san! I-I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable– or you, Serizawa-san!" Tears pricked in the corners of her eyes. Her heart was beating heavily in her ears, "I know that was weird to ask, I-I do-don't know why I did that." She tried to laugh, blinking away the wetness in her eyes. Tome came out of her bow, wobbly grin plastered on her face as she stared at the wall. She couldn't look Reigen in the eye and see disgust– that would be her last straw.

Tome picked up her untouched schoolbag, slinging it haphazardly over her shoulder, "I'll leave, it's fine!"

Before she could sprint out of the office, a clammy hand landed on her shoulder.

"Hey! Tome, it's– okay, it was a little bit… strange to ask out of nowhere," Tome hiccupped, face puckering as she held in her tears, "Shit! Look, kid, we're not mad at you or anything, okay?" Reigen crouched in front of her, raising his hands but unsure what to do with them, "Right, Serizawa?" He looked up for support; Serizawa answered with a strangled squeak. He hadn't broken out of his stock-still grimace.

Reigen stood with a huff. She turned again to leave– before being turned around once more and steered towards Reigen's desk with a hand on her back. He pushed her into the client's chair, settling in his own across from her.

"I'm not letting you leave in tears, Tome." He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, "Now spill– why did you ask…" He cleared his throat, looking away as his face warmed, "that?"

Tome wanted to vomit.

"And don't say you don't know," he continued, pointing at her accusingly, "I can tell when something's up with you kids."

Tome sniffled, raising her gaze from her lap momentarily to fix him with a subdued look of amazement, "With your esper powers?" Reigen winced, covering it up with a grimace of his own.

"Ah, yeah… with my powers." He said dejectedly, "Don't change the subject."

She eyed Serizawa under her bangs; he still hadn't moved, wide-eyed shock on his face unchanging. She had a feeling he would never forgive her for this.

Reigen snapped in her face, bringing her back into their conversation. She drew in a deep breath, ready to make a big, roundabout speech to apologise to them both while brushing off the root cause of this whole problem. When she opened her mouth, all that came out was a sob.

"Tome-?! Jeez- Serizawa, get her a glass of water or something! Oh shit, kid- uh, fuck- please stop crying?" Reigen floundered. He had no idea how to get Tome to calm down. This wasn't anything like one of Mob's explosions– nor was it extreme enough to be like his recent, non-psychic meltdowns. Sure, Mob wasn't blowing up the office every time his emotions overwhelmed him anymore, but Reigen had known Mob for years; he could comfort or talk him down in the way he needed. He had just met Tome a month ago.

"I'm so lonely, Reigen-san!" She shouted into her palms, "A-an-and I ha-ate it because," she hiccupped, "there's no-othing I can do about it!"

Reigen was still reeling, but set aside his confusion. At least she was outright telling him what the deal was.

He reached across the desk to pat her on the shoulder.

"Take a deep breath for me, kid. You're going to faint if you keep that up." She nodded vigorously. He had to keep himself from making a face when she wiped her snotty, tear stained face on her uniform's sleeve.

"Sorry…" She mumbled, gaze fixed on her skirt as she smoothed out its wrinkles. Her voice was hushed and slightly congested as she continued, "I um… I guess I've been feeling a touch…" She laughed at herself. It was self-deprecating in a way that made Reigen's skin crawl; it was much too similar to the one that echoed in his own thoughts.

"Well, a lot lonelier, lately. And now that I'm in highschool… I'm wondering if… um," This was way worse than talking to Serizawa– looking her boss in the eye and telling him her girl troubles was worse than any kind of torture she could imagine, "If it's abnormal for a girl my age…"

When she chanced a look at him, Reigen's eyes were wide as dinner plates. Another round of sweat had broken out under his bangs and he was getting paler by the second.

"W-wait, if this is- I'm not qualified to deal with- you should really talk to your mom about that-" His strangled voice squeaked out.

"I'm a lesbian." She finally admitted it. The word hung heavy in the air between them. Doubt dug its claws into her the longer Reigen just stared at her without saying anything. A few moments felt like minutes to Tome.

She was about to take it back– run home and hide under the safe covers of her bed, playing Zelda for the foreseeable future instead of ever coming back to work– when Reigen deflated, a wobbly smile tugging at his lips.

"Oh god, Tome, is that it? I thought– well, I'm not sure what I thought you were trying to say, but I'm glad it's not that." He chuckled, relief written all over his relaxed posture. She gaped at him.

"You're… happy?" She hadn't expected him to blow up at her or anything, but she thought maybe it would be a little more awkward than this. Reigen's smile dimmed and he looked at her sadly.

"Did you think I was going to be upset?" She pursed her lips and nodded. His face fell again, but he quickly plastered a more neutral expression over it.

Reigen got out of his chair with a grunt, stretching a bit as he stood. He rounded the desk, leaning on her side of it. From behind his back, he grabbed the little paper cup of water Serizawa filled for her. She took it gratefully.

Reigen sighed, "Being queer is not the end of the world, trust me. I know it feels like that, especially at your age, but it's true. Soon, this stage in your life will pass and you'll find some place where you fit in. Just hang in there, kiddo."

She sipped on her water, "It doesn't feel like it'll get better." Tome mumbled into her cup. Reigen laughed, and it was the same insecure tone she took earlier.

"I know…" He glanced at Serizawa cautiously, "But look at me! Successful business, lots of friends, a bunch of you brats hanging around," She dodged the hand reaching out to ruffle her hair, giggling into her water.

"I'm perfectly happy where I am. I promise, you will be too."

Tome rubbed at her nose one last time, "Can Spirits and Such be my place?" She asked.

"You're going to have to talk to your teachers about that." He said, all business again. She huffed playfully.

"I come out to you– in tears, boss– and you're still bullying me like this?"

Reigen rolled his eyes, "Don't call me that until you're actually employed here, kid."

"Well then, don't call me kid until-"

Their bickering petered out as a long shadow cast over them. An oppressive atmosphere pressed at her back. She knew this feeling– it was one she felt often when Mob was around. Like someone had sucked all of the pressure out of the room and concentrated it in one person. It felt like unstable emotions; it felt like psychic powers.

Tome turned to see Serizawa towering over her.

His face was stony, eyebrows set low and mouth set in a hard frown. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears.

"Miss Kurata?" His kind voice muttered. She jolted, a wave of nausea hitting her immediately.

"Yeah?" She asked, just above a whisper. Tome's teeth started chattering.

Reigen tensed, gaze flicking between Tome and Serizawa. He sat up straighter.

Serizawa's hands were folded in front of him. He started to fidget, staring at his hands as he laced and unlaced them.

Suddenly, he looked up at Tome. A smile broke out over his face, the warmth of it reaching his crinkling eyes.

"Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. We're lucky to have you here with us."

She wanted to cry all over again.

Instead, she brought the two businessmen into an awkward, but tight hug. She squeezed them until Reigen was gasping for air and trying to pry her arms off of him.

Tome left that day with a new mission: become the best employee Spirits and Such had ever seen and win the friendship of its inhabitants. Which started with a formal employment form from her homeroom teacher.

[freebooter4ever]

.

[end-orfino]

i feel like it's such a cruel joke from God that everything that makes me better also makes me feel worse.

[phagodyke]

reading this blurb made me realise this is possibly the first time ive ever seen my own life experiences shared by another person. damn