#LEX & | a brightness the colour of amber

[minarcana]

🌻+Lex!!!!!

LET ME GIVE U WORDS // accepting

If he but sigh since my loss befell him Straight to his side I go. Tell him a faithful one is doing All that love can do. -- The Haunter, Thomas Hardy

And in his eyes he took the nameless dead, he stored them, so that someday I might know and love them in his glance- so that I would not die in horror, as they all had done. He filled his eyes with them, and yet in vain: to all my wars, unwilling. I must go. -- yehuda amichai

Come with me, let’s spend a night in the country, my friend, you intimate of heaven’s stars, for winter’s finally over– you can hear the doves and swallows chattering. We’ll lounge beneath the pomegranate trees, plum trees, apple trees, everything lovely and leafy. -- Solomon ibn Gabirol

Imagine you’re drowning. Imagine for just a second that you’re able to lift your head above water, see the light, take a gulp of air, and feel your hands touch something, so you grab ahold and cling to it. So, you can imagine all your life you are drowning – and that’s certainly nothing but the truth – then love is what helps you keep your head above water. -- Hermit and Six-Toes, Victor Pelevin

[smugfacebitchell]

For @ballum-fic-wishes​ advent calendar 2019 - Day 20

This is yet another collab with the fantastic @dingletragedy​ <3 —

Winter is the rattling of the kettle, sugary tea and rich hot chocolates, marshmallow galore, sticky fingers held tight. Its heat, the heat of Callum’s mouth when they share kisses on their lunch break, waiting for their coffee orders, their own little bubble created whenever they’re near. It’s the park at night, all cool, damp leaves and made up constellations, lying on their backs to watch shooting stars flash, fingers dancing in the grass. It’s tacky red tinsel, decorations held close to the heart and days spent assembling that damn Christmas tree.

— The light is soft over Callum’s cheeks.l, they’re are still red with sleep, pillow creases adoring his face. But still, he looks like every dream Ben has ever had. That’s the first thing Ben comes to realise when he nudges the bedroom door open, so gentle that it stays blessedly silent from it’s usual creaking, so tentatively that Callum’s eyes don’t flicker open. The clock has just freaked over to eight am, sun rising up between the trees and pouring dappled, milky reflections through the window, splayed along the expanse of Callum’s back.

Ben clears his throat softly and meanders further into the room, their room. “Hey,” he whispers. The door closes behind him without a click. Callum shifts, eyes flicking open, almost translucent where the light hits, like pale, stained glass. There’s something so delicate about the way he blinks, lashes tangled together with sleep, his brows mused, hair sticking in every which way direction.

"Creep," Callum mumbles when he catches Ben watching him, turning over so he's more fully on his side, rubbing his cheek against his pillow. Ben doesn't reply, just keeps staring at him, until Callum props himself up on one elbow and offers him a small smile.

"Mornin’," Callum replies, his hoarse morning voice cracking over the word, and God, Ben really wishes they could spend the whole day in bed.

Callum’s eyelashes look the softest shade of brown, sweeping steady and slow as he blinks, lips cherry glaze. Here, Ben sees him in curves and gentle fingertips, a vulnerable haze to his tired eyes, so young-looking and innocent with his hair flat and soft smile on his face that pull at Ben’s heart in all the ways he wants it to be pulled.

“I missed you,” Ben says as he settles himself on the bed beside Callum, reaching a hand out to trace his fingers over Callum’s shoulder, and the flurry of fading freckles there. Light, prism, dispersion. His skin is warm.

Callum leans into his touch on instinct, and Ben can’t help the tiny sigh the escapes his lips; it’s everything. The comfort of touch, the whisper of his breath, the depths of his eyes as Callum glances up at him from under his wet lashes. Sunlight dances on one side of his face, pale strips of it that bring a white glow to his temple and the tip of his cheekbone. “You only look Lex to school, you big softie,” Callum mocks. “But, yeah— I missed you too, I suppose.”

“You know, you should try being a bit nicer to me?”

“Oh yeah?” Callum questions, “and whys that?”

“Just—Christmas ain’t it?” Ben answers, but it comes out as more of a whispered-choke. “It’s nice to be nice. I like Christmas, when I’ve got people to share all the magic with. People I love. Nice, ain’t it?”  

“Yeah. Yeah it is.”

“Speaking of,” Ben announces. “We’re gonna have to have a change of plan today, no lazy day for us I’m afraid.”

“Uh—what? Why?” Callum questions, not at all happy at the news.

“Lexi has threatened that if that Christmas tree ain’t up by the time she gets home from school then she’ll be calling social services. And we both know she ain’t the kind of girl to go back on her word.”

“Hm,” Callum says, head lolling onto his shoulder, eyebrow cocked up. “Remind you of someone?”

“Nope, no one at all,” Ben says, smirk pulling at his lips. The sky has almost cleared now, the gap in the curtain showing a bright white filling the sky, a tell-tale sign that snow is brewing. There’s still a fragile strip of burnt amber on the horizon, the last of the sunrise hanging around, too tired to let go completely. The glistening golds and fading pinks paint their room in shadows, yet despite all that, Callum is still the most beautiful view of all.

And then there’s few minutes of silence, of appreciation*, the kind that only comes with early mornings, before Ben decides now is probably the best time to do what he wants to do.

At Ben’s sudden movement, Callum shifts on his side, and focuses on Ben as he picks up a neatly wrapped box from under the bed. Callum frowns as he picks it up and turns it over, a simple Merry Early Christmas written on the tag, and a couple of kisses thrown in for good measure.

“This from you?” he questions, peering up at Ben through his lashes. Ben merely nods in reply, a sight blushing rising up his cheeks, suddenly feeling nervous, so unlike him. But this matters, it always does when it comes to Callum. “You didn’t have to get me anything—you shouldn’t have, Ben.” Ben shrugs, trying to keep that cool he’s so used to showing. “I wanted to,” he states simply, because really, that’s all there is to it.

When it comes to Callum, he wants. Always has. Always will. Callum doesn’t answer him, instead, he merely reaches down to unwrap the box, large hands enveloping it in one. He gets into the box then, pulls out the gift delicately, eyes shining in wonder, clearly surprised.

It’s a bauble; pristine cut with care and decision. But that’s not all it is, on one side are Callum’s initials, just a simple *C.H, yet engraved just as they are on Ben’s heart. And on the other is the year, *2019. The year that changed everything. “Ben—“ he starts, carefully opening the clear box the bauble arrived in, but is quickly interrupted. “It’s the same as all the others. Mine, Lexi’s, Lola’s, Jay’s, Bobby’s—everyone’s.” Ben ensures him. “We’ve all got one and I wanted you to have one too. Because—well, you’re part of this family too, you know? Whether you like it or not.”

“I do like it,” Callum answer immediately, mouth lifting, a tiny quirk as he pulls at the tape holding the box together. He looks up at Ben then, lashes dark and his eyes shining like galaxies. And that makes Ben’s heart jump, as he realises that no explanation of Callum’s eyes could ever be enough.

“Being part of this brilliant little family—and the bauble. I love it, Ben. Thank you so much,” he finishes, smile brighter than the winter sun. “You really shouldn’t have, Ben, but thank you. This is brilliant. You’re brilliant.” Bashfully, and with a hint of smugness, Ben looks down to his hands, cheeks most likely colouring a shade of red he’d be ashamed of, as he mumbles through a smile, “I know. You’re welcome.”

And yeah, he feels a little like he’s got fireworks trapped inside his chest, exploding into little shocks of happiness whenever Callum so much a slooks his way. It’s ridiculous, really.

Their lips brush then, but they’re still just breathing, just feeling the warm air settling around them, feeling the warmth of their limbs tangled together. There’s whispers shared between them, those kind that are only verbalised before the sun rises. Whispers of I can’t wait to spend every Christmas with you*, and We’re a proper family now*, and finally, when their mouths do meet, when Callum dips towards him and tucks Ben’s bottom lip between his own carefully, all is blessedly quiet.

And as the first sprinkle of snow drops from the sky outside, Ben decides that Callum’s kisses are like snowflakes; each one varying and unique, soft and delicate, melting away in an instant, yet seeping into his bones for an eternity.

[justfangirlthings2003]

I Loved And I Loved And I - Hanahaki AU

WARNINGS: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH

This is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever written sooo sorry.

AO3 link here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24196216

 NOTES:

So Hanahaki is a very uncommon disease. Like, it was about normal in the past but it died out in the nineteenth/twentieth century. However, it is possible to get but is very very highly unlikely (like 0.00001% of the population have it) so doctors have been taught how to perform the surgery. It is still a very well-known disease.

For the sake of the plot, you can only have the surgery if you give your full consent (because Bruce seems like the type of person to have the surgery done on his son even if they don’t want it - he’ll do whatever it takes to keep them alive) 

I’ve messed up the timelines a lot just so that I can have the Batboys being good bros (but it is an AU fanfic and like Thawne says in the Flash TV Series: The Timeline is malleable) 

Also the Invasion happened but Wally survived because I said so.

When Wally West entered Dick Grayson’s life, he did so in a whirlwind of colour. Dick remembered it clear as day. He was standing around in the Watchtower, twitching in his place. Bruce told him beforehand that he would be meeting Kid Flash that night and as excited as he was that he was going to be meeting a potential new friend, he was filled with anxiety. The kids at school, the rich people that attended Bruce’s galas and the people at the Gotham City Juvenile Delinquent Centre all hated him - called him names like “Gypsy boy” and “Circus Freak” because of his Romani background, tanned complexion and thick accent - so why would someone with literal superpowers like him? Then it happened: the room was filled with reds and golds and oranges - lighting up like a blazing inferno - and when the colours died down, all he could see was a red haired ten year old wearing gold and scarlet and a bright grin. When their eyes met, Dick knew that Kid Flash was going to be special.

_____

Dick was fourteen years old when he realised it. He was lying on his bed, hair mussed and wearing his favourite elephant print pyjamas with mismatched canary yellow and crimson socks, telling his parents about his day. It became kind of a ritual for him to either sit cross-legged in front of the Flying Graysons poster that was pressed protectively by a bulletproof sheet of glass, clutching Zitka against his chest, or to just lay on his Egyptian cotton sheet, just staring at the ceiling as he recounted his day. He was at the part where he and Wally were sitting on a park bench, eating ice cream when he was suddenly struck by an image of his best friend smiling at him with windswept hair. How the late afternoon sun caught on the edges of his ginger hair, embroidering it with gold. How his emerald eyes, framed by amber lashes, suddenly looked much more captivating, more beautiful, and Dick wanted their green gaze on him at all times. He was suddenly struck by the urge to grab Wally’s cheeks, to trace the pads of his thumbs along his galaxy of freckles and kiss him until -

Wait, what?

Did he seriously think about Wally like that? About kissing him? Wallace Rudolph West - his best friend - the guy that ran into a wall the first time they met, the guy who makes terrible science puns and flirts with anyone that moves and thinks nine times out of ten with his stomach than his head and is smart and loyal and funny and kind and the most amazing person Dick has ever met.

Uh oh. He’s in trouble.

_____

The trouble with falling in love with your best friend is knowing that nothing would change but everything will. If they started dating, they would still have movie nights, eat terrible junk food and spend hours on end playing video games but if Dick confessed and Wally didn’t reciprocate then he ruins one of the best relationships he’s ever had just because of a few hormones. And - oh God - what if Wally feels guilty? What if Wally thought that he was leading Dick on, making him think that he liked him like that? What if he started beating himself up for breaking Dick’s heart? 

No.

Dick would just have to stay silent. To just hope that his attraction with his (absolutely amazing in every way) best friend was just a silly little teenage crush and will just go away in time. After all, Batman says that the mission comes first.

___

“Hey, Dick.”

“Yeah, Wally.”

“We’re gonna be bestest friends forever and ever, right.”

“‘Course we are. Why wouldn’t we be?”

“D’ya pinky promise?”

“What’s a pinky promise?”

“It’s what the kids do at school. It’s when you put your pinky fingers together and make a promise and you must never ever break it.”

“Why? Do you die if you do?”

“No, I don’t think so. But it’s just really really bad if you do. Like stepping on a puppy’s tail bad. So do ya wanna do it.”

“‘Course I do.”

“To being bros forever.”

Dick smiled at the ten year old in front of him as he interlocked their pinkies, “Bros forever.”

___

“Yo, Dick, I need your help,” Wally said to him after the Team had completed a mission in New York where this generic mad scientist villain was using robots to terrorize the city and commit crimes. Wally managed to nab a damaged drone as a souvenir and now Dick was in the process of reassembling it and turning it into a robot that shoots out chocolate sauce. Wally was adorably confused when he looked over the acrobat’s plans but Dick told him that it was going to be asterous.  

There’s another thing about falling in love with your best friend: you can’t exactly escape them. You spend time with them everyday which makes you notice things: like how their eyes crinkle at the sides when they smile, how their voice always goes up around three octaves when they’re embarrassed, how they always bite their bottom lip when they’re nervous. Dick always noticed these things about everyone, Bruce had him doing character profiles since he first started training as Robin (no, seriously. The day he met the League, he was told to give a full analysis of their characters, as well as possible strengths and weaknesses and ways to take them down, the moment he returned home. He was eight) so that he could always find out everything he needed to know about a person within ten seconds, but earlier he just noticed them - now he noticed them and it made him feel all kinds of butterflies in his stomach.

“Names, KF,” Dick chided without looking up from where he was turning a screw, regardless of the fact that they were in his room that was encased with 20 cm of lead so no one with super-hearing could figure out their identities.

“Oops, sorry, Rob. Anyway, I need your help.”

“Shoot.”

“I wanna ask out Artemis.”

Dick almost dropped his screwdriver. He looked at his best friend, who was standing by the door of his room. That red hue that covered his cheeks was so adorable that Dick barely resisted the urge of getting up and kissing the daylights out of him. But wait, no. Artemis. Right, Wally wants to ask out Artemis, not him. Honestly, he could see it. They were always trading insults with no real heat. He guessed all of that teasing was unresolved romantic attraction, a courting ritual for superheroes - Catwoman has always had a bantering relationship with Batman.

“Okay, why are you here then?”

“I don’t really know how to ask out girls.”

“You flirt with M’gann all the time.”

“Yeah, flirt. Not ask out. Or like, date.” (Date. Why does that word hurt so much?)

“Neither do I.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“You’re the son of a playboy billionaire. You must know something.”

“Well… (Dick? Dick? What are you doing?) You could practice on me.” (What?! Why the hell would you say that, Grayson?)

“Al-alright then,” Wally let out a deep exhale and strode directly in front of Dick with a smirk on his face, “So, ughh, hey. Wanna go out for ice cream later or something? (Yes. Yes, God, yes.) Yeah, that felt right. I think I’m gonna go ask her now. Thanks, Rob. You’re the best!”

 When Wally hugged him, all he wanted to do was melt into that comforting warmth and stay there forever.

___

Batman made sure to prepare him for everything - how to survive kidnapping if you’ve lost your sight, what to do if you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere with limited supplies, where to go if the League had been compromised by their evil alternate dimension counterparts (apparently something happened before he came into the picture, something about a good Lex Luthor and the Crime Syndicate?) - but he could never have been prepared for his first heartbreak.

__

Dick was no stranger to pain; he likes to think of pain as some sort of old friend - in a weird, twisted way - because it’s the only thing in his life that was constant. The only thing that he could rely on to always be there for him, that would never truly leave him. Yes, he knew that that mindset was unhealthy, but he held onto it because to get rid of pain was like getting rid of a shadow - impossible and only attainable in absolute darkness, when you’ve lost all sense of direction.

Dick walked into the communal area, ready to have a fun-filled day with his best bro in the universe. Ever since Wally and Artemis had gotten together, all of their bro-time had seemed to be on the back burner: afternoons spent with Dick hunched over pizza and trading pixelated blows on Barry and Iris’ TV were replaced with movie dates with Artemis, hanging out in the park with him with trips with her to the mall, playing basketball in the court in the Manor gardens with days spent at diners and cafes with her - hell, he can’t even sit next to him because everytime he entered a room where Wally was, she was snuggled up next to him with her head on his shoulder (the same shoulder Dick used to cry on after a nightmare). He longed for the days the two of them would have karaoke sessions, heads banging vigorously up and down as they strummed their air guitars like their lives depended on it and screaming old 80s bops until their throats ached but even when they were together it was like all of the red head’s attention was on her, what with him on his phone either texting her every five minutes or having hour long conversations or simply just directing every conversation to be about her (“Hey Dick, where do you think I should Artemis for date night?”, “God, why does she always talk about my eating habits? I’m a speedster - I need the extra energy for my enhanced metabolism. Girls, honestly.”, “Oh my god, Dick, you should’ve seen the look on Arty’s face when I hit her during our date at the paintball arena. You were right, she loved it.”). The more time he spent with her, the more he was pushing Dick away with a sheepish “maybe later, dude” and Dick gets it. Artemis was a brilliant fighter, a real asset to the team. She wasn’t broken and had mental breakdowns and panic attacks at inconvenient times - it’s no wonder Wally prefered to be with her. He always thought that maybe the only reason Wally was with him was because of his sad backstory - the poor orphaned circus boy who watched his parents die at eight years old - it was enough to make anyone take pity on him. So he just did what anyone would do, he smiled and nodded (he’s a performer - has been since he’s learned how to walk - acting happy is just another role he has to play, another way of keeping his audience interested), gave his advice and hoped and prayed that it was enough to make sure he wasn’t left in Wally’s dust.

“Hey, Wally,” he greeted, walking up to them. Normally, before the days of Artemis, he would leap onto the couch cushions from behind and spring into a forwards flip from his hands and land on his feet in front of Wally with a smile but the last time he did that the blonde archer got annoyed so he stopped.

“Oh, Robin. Hey there, what’s up?” Wally asked as Artemis shifted her position so that she could place an arm around his torso, pressing herself against him more firmly.

“Well, I was wondering if you were ready for our hangout.” Dick replied casually, pulling out his cool cocky Boy Wonder persona when in reality he knew he was going to be blown off again (You never used to pretend in front of him before), “I’ve got ten different Barbie movies lined up and two boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts with your name on them.”

“Uh, actually, man, I can’t make it today,” Wally said, his tone apologetic, “I already promised Arty that I’d take her to the Weapons Museum today. I was going to tell you after I bought the tickets but I guess it just slipped my mind.”

“Wait, you guys watch Barbie movies,” Artemis piped in amusement, her nose scrunched as she gave a huff of laughter, “aren’t those for like little six year old girls that wear tutus and ribbons around their pigtails and dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up.”

“Yeah, we do,” Dick didn’t mean to sound defensive but he didn’t appreciate her tone. His masculinity wasn’t so toxic and fragile that he’d deny liking something that was classed as feminine - he grew up in a travelling circus, where gender roles didn’t matter (the bearded lady back at Haly’s was one of the most awesome people eight year old Dick knew). He loved watching The Island Princess with Wally - he totally related to Rosa trying so hard to please the upper class royal families despite not fitting in and being called ‘uncivilised’. Plus it had a talking elephant, which was awesome.

Wally cocked his head and made a noise at the back of his throat, “It’s less of us watching them and more of us laughing at how cliche the plots are.”

Dick looked at him. Is that what he really thought? He remembered belting out ‘I’m just a girl like you’ with Wally as Princess and the Pauper playing on the giant IMAX screen in the Wayne Manor theatre room. Did he secretly hate it? Just pretended to have fun to spare Dick’s feelings? 

“I’m really sorry, dude,” Wally said, looking uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his neck, “We can hang out tomorrow or something, right?” Poor Wally, he sounded so genuinely sorry. Dick didn’t want to be a burden, didn’t want their hangouts to be a chore Wally must fulfil. So he just smirked.

“Seriously, bro, I get it. I’ve got some stuff to do at home as well anyways. Been meaning to touch up on my aerial skills for some time actually. Now you guys have a fun time. I’m gonna be bob bob bobbin’ along.”

He’s happy for Wally, he really is. What sort of best friend would he be if he wasn’t? When Wally is with Artemis, he seems joyful, light, giving her smiles that he only used to give him. Wally deserved to be happy and if he was happier with Artemis, even by an atom’s amount, then who was he to deny him that?

——

One of the reasons Dick was at the top of his Advanced Mathematics class and award-winning Mathlete was because he genuinely loved Maths (and being at the top of everything was one of Bruce’s expectations). Back home, at the circus, he remembered having math teachers from around the world - he was the youngest there and everyone made sure to give him an education that he found was much better than the American school system. The acrobats, tightrope walkers and unicyclists taught him about physics and forces required for balance, the plate spinners, knife throwers and cannon-blasters taught him how math was an integral part of performance. Even the musicians and dancers would explain how numbers were important in their acts. He remembered how his six year old self was sat down in front of a group of  daredevils (he always loved watching them zip around in their Globe of Death)  and was taught everything he needed to know about a motorcycle: how it ran, how it was assembled, all the physics and mechanics behind it. He knew from then on that he definitely liked maths. Well, he’s got to anyway - being an aerialist means that you’ve got to know all this stuff about trajectories and aerodynamics and forces and motion and stuff.

But the best thing about Maths was that it was constant, never changes. Two plus two equals four, it has always equalled four and always will equal four. Dick is certain that if he were to build a time machine and go a thousand years into the future, two plus two would still make four. That's why he loves numbers so much: they don’t lie or change or forget you. You can rely on them. With numbers and equations, you’ll always get a right answer - with people you only get a not wrong answer. He may be a dynamic performer, a world-class actor that can never sit still - always willing to contort and change for the sake of his audience - but for once he wants the comfort of permanence. 

____

“Dick,” Wally said solemnly one day. The two of them were sitting on the edge of the top of Dick’s apartment building, dressed in civvies, watching the sky and the hustle and bustle of the city. It was one of the rare days Dick and Wally could hang out - what with Wally at college and Dick patrolling Bludhaven both as Nightwing and Officer Grayson - and Dick wanted to make the most of it: the two of them went to Happy Harbour and spent the two hours they had playing at the Arcade and stuffing their mouths with whatever they could get their hands on. If Dick tried really hard, he could pretend that they were 14 and 16 again and Wally was his and only his. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“What is it,” Dick asked cautiously. Wally’s expression was too serious, it looked wrong and out of place - nothing at all like the goofy kid who stuck science themed stickers on every surface he owned and covered his room in glow in the dark stars so that the two of them could pretend to be intrepid voyagers snuggled up inside their tent - a hastily made blanket fort - with a flashlight that bore the Flash symbol.

“We - well, Artemis and I - we’ve been thinking. And trust me it’s got nothing to do with you, okay, absolutely nothing. But, well, it took me a long time to get to this decision and I think that it’s the right thing to do. So, well, what I guess what I’m trying to say is I’mquittingtheteam.”

“What did you say,” Dick whispered in shock. He knew exactly what his best friend said - after knowing him since he was ten he’s become fluent in Wally-speak - but he had to make sure-

“Artemis and I,” Wally breathed out, “We’re … leaving the team.”

“What? Why?” Dick tried to mask his panic but all he could hear was ‘leavingleavingI’mleavingtheteamI’mleavingyou’ over and over again in his head.

“It’s just that, well, it’s just that I’m moving to Palo Alto so that I can go to Stanford Uni and it’s gonna be a bit of a hassle living a double life.”

“It’s alright,” Dick said quickly, feeling his eyes start to brim with water, “I’m - I’m sure that The League would understand if you wanna take a few off days. Not everyone there’s like Bruce.”

“The thing is I don’t want to be Kid Flash anymore, you know. I don’t want to live a life where I could die any time I go out on the field. I just want to be Wally West: a college student trying to get into the CSI and lead a normal life. Sure I wanted to save the world back when I was a kid, but that was just a childish dream - I, I want to just be normal. (yeah, all the way in California. Away from me). I’m not going to be going away or anything (are you sure?). You know that right (do I?). I’ll still be there for you (LIES).”

Dick smiled and lied through his teeth, ignoring the feeling of hot tears streaming down his cheeks, “Hey, I’m good (you were never there for me anyway, were you just practicing for this moment?). I get it, the superhero life isn’t for everyone. You should do what you want. If you need any help I’ll be right here in ‘Haven.”

“Thanks man, you’re the best (“Thanks, Rob. You’re the best!” a teenaged Wally West said before he ran off to ask Artemis out). You supporting me really means a lot.” Just then a ‘ding’ cut into the silence and Wally fished his phone out of his pocket, “Aww man, it’s Arty. I best get going.” and with that he was gone, leaving a whoosh of breeze in his place.

The last time he felt this abandoned was when he watched a man and woman fall to their deaths. He supposes that Wally and his parents are similar like that. They both are going to be in a better place. It just so happens that the better place in question doesn’t include him.

He’s been tortured by the Joker, beaten to near death by Two Face, and was left in a pool of his own blood by the Penguin but none of that physical pain could ever come close to the anguish he feels when he watches Wally leave. The agony fills him up to the brim and he can’t - he can’t breathe. He races down the stairwell of the roof and slams the door of his apartment open. The sound of the handle banging against the wall is lost on him as he heaves over his bathroom sink. He looks at his red-eyed, tear-stained reflection in the mirror. In the sink, lilac petals clung onto sticky red blood.

—————

“Hanahaki Disease:” Dick’s computer screen read, “The term hanahaki comes from the Japanese words hana (花), which means "flower", and hakimasu (吐きます), which means "to throw up”. Hanahaki Disease is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but once surgery is undergone, the victim loses all feelings of affection (both romantic and platonic) as well as the ability to ever love again. 

The victim's lungs get filled with the flowers and roots grow in their respiratory system. It often develops over months or even years, beginning with coughing up a few petals and growing in intensity (and pain) until the victim is vomiting entire flowers, by which point the disease has entered its final stages. The rate at which the disease worsens and spreads throughout the body is specific to the individual. The longest case was Danielle Chamberlain (1801 - 1834) who had it for 10 years and the shortest case was Akai Shimizu (1914 - 1931) who died after two weeks.” *

Well.

He’s screwed.

______

When he was about to go to bed after a night of patrol, he lay in bed in the darkness, staring at the ceiling. He turned on his phone and pressed the playlist he and Wally made when they were kids. ABBA came out of the speaker:

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find

I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind…

____

The love you gave me, nothing else can save me

S. O. S.

When you're gone

How can I even try to go on?

When you're gone

Though I try, how can I carry on?

___

It was Wally’s birthday party and Dick stood in the corner of the restaurant Barry had reserved for the occasion. The only people in the building were the old team, Barry, Iris, Clark and Bruce. And Roy was there too, which was nice. When Wally was egged on to do a birthday speech before he cut the cake, he spoke about how lucky he is to have so many amazing friends and such an awesome girlfriend. When the redhead gave her a peck on the cheek, Dick’s stomach gave a lurch as he could feel the inevitable cough building up his throat. He tried to excuse himself as he made way into a disabled bathroom and locked himself in there. After coughing out a cluster of chrysanthemum petals - and holy cow, that’s a lot of blood - he carefully opened the door to find himself face to face with a concerned Roy Harper.

“Everything good there, Dickie?”

“Wha- oh, yeah. I’m fine.”

Roy raised an eyebrow, “You sure? ‘Cause I heard retching and you don’t look too hot.”

“I guess I might have food poisoning. I did eat some old Ramen for lunch yesterday.”

Roy did not look convinced. He never really stopped being Dick’s older brother, even after he left the team. Sometimes the two of them would trade text messages when they’re not too busy. He loved Roy so much (not as much as Wally) and he was sure that Roy loved him. The red haired archer would always make sure to check up on him when the date of his parents death anniversary would arrive. He wondered how long it would take for Roy to get fed up with him.

“I think that you should go home and get some rest.”

“What, Roy? No, I can’t. This is Wally’s birthday and he’ll be crushed if I go (as if). What sort of friend would I be if I leave? Plus, I hardly get to see him otherwise,” noticing how high and desperate his voice sounded, he quickly added, “you know, what with him in college and me working as a police officer and everything.”

…

“Sure... Look, Dick, I’m sure Wally would understand if you go. Your health is more important than a party (no it’s not. Why would I matter to anyone?). Just go home, alright. I’ll save you a slice of cake.”

Contrary to popular belief, Dick knew a losing battle when he saw one, “Alright, Roy, I’ll head off. Just do me a favour, okay. Don’t mention me being too unwell to B. You know how he gets. I don’t want him or Alfred getting too worried.”

“Sure thing, bird brain,” Roy smirked but his eyes still had that concerned, protective look in them. He clamped his hand onto Dick’s shoulder, “just remember, though, that it’s okay to have people worrying about you.”

Dick gave a toothy smile he didn’t feel at all, “‘Course I will.”

_

“Yo, Goldie. Open up.” Jason yelled as he pounded on the apartment door, “C’mon Dickolas, I’m freezing out here.”

“Jason, quit yelling,” Tim whispered sharply to the older vigilante, aware of how loud his knocking is.

“Tt, I don’t see why we can’t just enter the apartment. It’s not like Grayson would be angry, he’s forever asking us to visit.”

“Yeah but the fact that he isn’t answering the door is really concerning,” Tim said, mostly to himself, “Jason - quit banging, you’re going to wake all of his neighbours - just use the spare key he gave you.”

“Alright, alright. Keep your hair on.” 

And with that Jason opened the door and the boys entered the apartment.

“Big Bird?”

“Dick, are you alright. Roy called us. He said you weren’t feeling well. He sounded really worri-”

“GRAYSON!”

Jason and Tim immediately looked at each other when they heard Damian’s shout from his position outside of Dick’s bathroom before rushing to meet him. The youngest’s horrified face was pale and his terrified eyes were staring straight at something that when they followed the line of sight made them freeze.

Dick was collapsed over his commode, breathing heavily as if every breath he took caused him immense pain. Splashes of blood and petals were leading up to him like a horrific trail and his dark hair was matted against his pallid face.

“Dick!” Tim cried as he ran towards Dick and crouched beside him.

“Ti’m?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s Tim.”

“Wha’ - wh’ryu-?”

“Roy,” Jason answered, looking uncharacteristically scared himself as he sat himself down on the other side of his brother, “he called us and said that you weren’t well. We tried to call you but you weren’t answering so we came to check up on you. Why didn’t you tell us you had Hanahaki?”

“I didn’t want you guys to worry. I didn’t realise how bad it was-” he was then cut off as he retched more blood and petals into the toilet bowl as Tim rubbed circles into his back.

“Who is it?” Tim asked.

“It’s Wally, isn’t it.” Jason said. It was a statement, not a question.

“How - how did you?”

“It’s kind of obvious,” Jason shrugged, acting nonchalant but failing to get rid of that fearful look in his eye, “Even when I was Robin, I could tell you had the hots for him.”

 Dick wiped away the blood dripping down his chin,“You guys can’t tell Bruce.”

“What do you mean we cannot tell Father?!” Damian cried, “We can get you cured.”

“Damian,” Dick looked at his positively shaken brother, “do you know what Hanahaki is?”

“Yes, of course -“

“Then you know why I can’t tell Bruce. If I tell him, he’ll force me to get the surgery.”

“But, Dick, you don’t need to. You could just con-”

The eldest cut Tim off, “I can’t confess Tim. He doesn’t want me. I can’t just force him to be with me.”

“Then you just need to-”

“I’m not getting the surgery either. I just can’t”

“I don’t want you to die Dick,” Tim immediately burst into tears as he roughly embraced the man. Dick held him close, whispering comforts into his little brother’s hair, when he saw that Damian had tears running down his own cheeks. He held open an arm and he youngest dived into Dick’s side and hugged him as well.

Dick looked at Jason imploringly, “You can’t tell Bruce. Please.”

Jason’s jaw was set, his eyes firm but he relented at the sight of his brother’s bloodstained face.

“Okay.”

__

Dick sat cross-legged in front of two identical graves, the rain pouring down heavily onto his body. He felt someone stand behind him.

“Dick?” Wally asked, “Is everything alright? Is there anything you need?”

“Could you stay here? For a bit?”

“Of course I will,” Wally sat down beside him and held him close, “I’ll always be there when you need me.”

__

One night, Jason decided to go visit Dick after spending his patrol taking down a drug cartel. He had called the first Robin previously but the man didn’t answer his calls. All 20 of them. After a conversation with Tim, he found that he wasn’t responding to any attempts made to contact him and that his tracker showed that he was still in his apartment. Entering Dick’s apartment through the window, he cautiously stepped into his brother’s living room and his heart dropped to his stomach.

Dick was slumped against a wall with his eyes closed. Trails of scarlet liquid dripping down his mouth and chin dropping onto the pool of  blood, chrysanthemums that surrounded him. Bottles of gin were littered across the floor around him, which was what shocked him the most - Dick was not a heavy drinker. He called alcohol a trapeze artist’s worst nightmare.

(“Alcohol makes you lose focus,” Dick said, “losing focus means losing balance and grip. The moment you lose focus, you lose your life.”)

“What the hell happened here, Big Bird?” Jason asked in worry. He crouched in front of one of the strongest people he ever knew and gently shook him. Dick’s eyes were flickering open. Their baby blues were dim, misty, lacking their usual brightness and warmth - everything about them that made them Dick’s. 

“Wha - Jay! What areya do-doin’ here?” Dick’s voice was garbled, confused and Jason felt a surge of protectiveness rush inside his veins. “You don’t - don’t gotta be here. I’m - I’m fi-ine.”

Jason took in his infallible older brother’s haggard form - his unusually pale face and the dark rings around his eyes) and sighed, “I need alcohol.”

______

“I just - I thought he might have cared about - about me.” Dick sniffed tearfully, words still slurring even a half hour later, “But no he only cared about her. “I’m worried about Artemis” what about me?! I - I was so sc-scared, Jason. My - my team was in danger, an-and I already lost you, I - I couldn’t - couldn’t lose anyone else. And - and I was all by myself and I - I - I just couldn’t-” he broke down crying, clutching Jason’s shirt like a lifeline. Jason’s arm immediately stroked Dick’s shaking back, making sure to pat his hair as well.

“Shh, shh. It’s okay Dickie. I’m here, just let it out,” Jason murmured soothingly.

“All I ever wanted was to be- be friends again. But no matter how hard I tried, he-he just - he just kept pushing me away. I know that I’m not good enough for- for Bruce, but I thought that - that maybe, I was enough for him.” He then started crying again, his words slipping from English into a mix of Romani, French, Spanish, Italian, Arabic, German and every other language he learned at Haly’s. Jason was still swiping his hand down the curve of his spine. After he composed himself somewhat, “He was my first - my first friend after my - my parents. He- he said he’d - he’d be there for me. We p-promised to be b-bros. We pink-pinkie promised an’ ev’rythin. I told him ev-evrythin: ‘bout my p-parents, my night-nightmares. I even told him ab-about that time I killed the Joker.”

Wait, hold up.

“You killed the Joker?”

“Ye-yeah,” Dick wiped his nose with his sleeve as his voice became a whisper, “I thought he killed Tim and started - started taunting me about your death and I couldn’t just stand back so I saw red. Next thing I know, I beat him to death. Batman revived him when he arrived”

“Dick..”

“When I saw him I I ju- just couldn’t help myself. You know what he said when I hit him? “I hit Jason a lot harder”.”

“God, Dick.” Jason was quiet for a second before saying, “Did you use a crowbar? Because if you did, I really would’ve appreciated the poetic justice.”

“Jay-”

“Yeah. Bad timing. I just can’t believe you killed the Joker”

“I couldn’t let him get away with what he did. No one’s allowed to hurt my little brother and gets away with it.”

Dick then coughed up more blood and petals. Jason held him close as he apologised between sobs.

————

John Grayson hissed in pain as his wife dabbed the blood stained wet cloth on the cut on his face. A few minutes ago, his cheek was sliced by a drunkard with a broken bottle that was harassing a few of the circus folk after a show. Dick sat on his father’s lap, hugging him tearfully.

“Why - why did that man do that?” He asked his parents.

“Because he didn’t like us,” Mary replied. She placed a bandage on her husband’s wounded cheek and kissed it.

“But why, Mami?” 

“Because he was scared of us.”

“Why would he be scared of us?”

“Because we’re different, păsărică (little bird), and that makes him scared. People don’t like difference because it’s new, they can’t understand it and when people can’t understand anything they get scared.”

“So that’s why he hurt Tati? Because he was scared?”

“Yes, draga mea (my darling). Fear makes people do terrible things, Dick. It makes people lie, cheat and kill. Many people consider it to be the strongest force on Earth.”

“Do you think it is?”

“No. Because I know the one thing that’s stronger than fear.”

“And what’s that Mami?”

“Love. Love is the most powerful thing a person can have. It’s what stops fear from consuming you. When your heart is full of love then your life is full of light and happiness. When you feel love, you can do anything. So remember, my little Robin, to always keep love in your heart because when someone loses their ability to love, they lose their ability to be a human and their life is plunged in darkness.”

“Don’t worry Mami. I’ll never forget.”

——���-

His siblings decided that enough was enough. They came clean to Bruce and forced Dick to come to the Manor. Well it was less of a force and more of tranquilising him and carrying his body to Gotham, but semantics. He awoke later in his bedroom at the Manor, hooked onto some sort of monitor. Bruce, of course, was furious.

“How could you have kept this from me?”

“Because I know how you would react. You’d make me get the surgery.”

“Of course I would. You’re my son. You are not going to die.” Bruce said the last part with such conviction.

“No, Bruce.”

“Dick, if you don’t get the surgery, you’ll die!” Tim yelled, every world laced in pain.

“Don’t you see, Tim,” Dick argued back, “if I get the surgery, I’ll die anyway. I’ll never feel love ever again. I’ll never be able to feel that comfort when I remember my parents, that pride when I find out that Dami’s won another award, that warmth in my chest every time I’m with my friends, my family. I’ll be looking straight at my family’s faces every single day but I’d never be able to tell them I love them ever again. That’s not the person my parents raised. I’ll be alive, but I won’t be living. I won’t be Dick Grayson, I’ll just be a man that looks like your brother.”

“That’s alright,” Tim replied back, his voice hysterical with desperation. If it weren’t for the fact that Dick was hooked onto the machine, he would’ve thrown his arms around his little bird, “You’ll still be our brother even if you don’t love us. We’ll still love you.”

“No, Tim.”

“So that’s it then,” Jason said bitterly, “you’re going to give up your life just because one idiot speedster doesn’t love you.”

“Listen to yourself Grayson,” Damian yelled, tears streaming down his face and oh did Dick want to get up and hug him as well, “you speak as if your love for West is worth dying for but isn’t your love for us worth living for?”

“I do love you guys, Dami. I love you all so much. That’s why I can’t get the surgery. Because you all deserve a brother that can tell you that every single day of your life. You all speak like me not loving you won’t hurt you and maybe it won’t. Maybe for the first few months it won’t. But what about in two years, three years, he’ll even ten years in the future, you mean to tell me that you won’t be able to handle it. That you won’t resent me for never being able to give you a hug, never ruffling your hair comforting you when you're sad, you’ll be able to live with me acting as if you’re nothing to me. You wouldn’t love me, you’ll tolerate me like I’m some sort of burden and I refuse to be a burden on anyone

“You won’t be a burden,” Tim whispered, as his own tears stained his shirt, “you’ll be our brother.”

That night, both Tim and Damian slept on either side of their older brother with Jason lying on a mattress beside them.

——-

“YOU CHEATED!”

“Jay-bird, how can I cheat? It’s snakes and ladders.”

“I don’t care. I still say that you cheated.”

“Oh come on-”

“Dick!”

Jason and Dick were interrupted from their good-natured bickering by the sound of a very familiar voice. They both swivelled their heads to the source of it to see a very bedraggled Wally West standing at the doorway of Dick’s room.

“Dick. I-I heard the news. I came to see- are- are you alright?”

“Wally West,” Jason stated darkly, “you’re the person that’s supposed to be his best friend.”

“What?” Wally looked confused as Dick gave him a sharp look as if to say ‘Don’t’.

Jason ignored him as he stared straight at the older man, “You heard me. I thought friends were supposed to watch out for each other. I guess the definition changed after I got put into the ground.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jason, enough,” Dick hissed.

“What I’m talking about, Wallace, is your complete inability to be a decent human being. What I’m talking about is how you think that you can waltz in here all willy-nilly and act like you haven’t spent years pushing Dick away.”

“What? I haven’t been-”

“Oh, you haven’t. Well, silly me. It’s just that I thought ignoring someone for months on end constitutes on pushing away. Like seriously, with friends like you, who needs enemies?”

“What’s your problem?”

“I don’t like watching Dick get hurt.”

“Yet, when you guys met again the first thing you did was try to shoot him.”

“Enough!” Dick yelled, “Please. I’m going through a lot right now and the last thing I want to hear is my brother arguing with my best friend. If you’re going to argue can you please do it outside.”

“Alright then,” Jason says as he grabs Wally’s hand and drags him to his own room, “C’mon West, there’s a lot I want to say to you.”

After Jason closed the door, Wally started, “What’s your deal?”

“My deal?” Jason laughs with no humour, “My deal is that you’ve been a s***ty friend to my big brother and I don’t stand for it. He needed you and you abandoned him when he needed you the most. He loves you more than everything and you can’t spare him the time of day. You were his best friend and the first person he ever trusted after the League and Alfred and you go around for years acting like he doesn’t exist! He drops everything for you! No matter where he is or what he’s doing, he’s always been there for you. The Pit may have messed up my head but I still remember this one time back when I was Robin. We had been in a burning building and he sacrificed himself for me. The idiot pushed me away when a wall was gonna collapse on me and trapped himself under it whilst yelling at me to escape. By the time Bruce got to him he was out. Was hooked on the breathing equipment for two days. The moment he got his phone back was when you called about something to do with Artemis and he stayed on the line for two whole hours listening to you and never once mentioned about how he almost died. Well now he’s dying! My brother’s been dying for a while now but you were too busy playing happy families with your girlfriend to even notice!”

Wally just looked horrified as he whispered, “I - I didn’t mean to push him away. I’ve been so busy and-”

“Really,” Jason raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed, “you know, I always thought you never deserved him. To be honest I don’t think anyone deserves to have Dick in their life. To this day I still ask myself what good did Bruce ever do to have someone like him. He takes so much s*** from everyone and refuses to do anything about it. No matter how hurt he gets, he’ll always forgive you. He is just too good for us. Maybe that’s what this is. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of taking him back, of saving him from getting hurt again. Like it’s saying “I gave you a gift and you didn’t treat it right so now I’m taking it back. You had your chance and now it’s too late”. Tell me West, if he wasn’t lying on his deathbed, would you even be here. Or would you still be living in your happy little bubble without giving a s*** about the person that has always stood by you.”

His voice went low and quiet as he stood directly in front of the red head, using the few inches he had over him to loom over him as he clutched the front of Wally’s shirt, “The only reason that I’m not throwing you out of here is because Dick cares about you and I prioritise my brother over revenge. But listen here, if you say or do anything from this moment forth that upsets him in any way, I’ll make sure that you can’t take a step in Gotham without one of the bats going after you.”

“Understood,” Wally nodded, tears in his eyes, looking angry, aghast and ashamed at his behaviour. 

____

“Dick, I’m sorry. God, I’m so so sorry.”

“Wally, it’s okay. Really.”

“No. No, it’s not okay. You’ve got to stop making excuses for everyone.”

“Wally-”

“No, Dick, please. I’ve got to say this. Ever since I started dating Artemis I’ve been a terrible friend. Don’t try to deny it, it’s the truth. I kept blowing you off and pushing you away and you just wanted to spend time with me. I was so happy to have started dating, I didn’t realise that I was hurting my best friend. And I’m so sor-”

“Wally,” Dick cut in, “it’s okay. Really. You have your own life. I couldn’t expect you to drop everything for me.”

“You drop everything for everyone.”

“Yeah, and I’m cool with that. Listen, I forgive you, alright. I got to terms with it ages ago,” Dick was smiling at him, his tone bearing no resentment and his eyes filled with warmth, “so can you please stop apologising and tell me about your life.”

______

That night, after Wally had left with promises of returning soon (“Why should you believe him?” a voice asked cynically, “he’s made promises before. He promised that he’ll always be there for you, that he’ll always have your back. Fat lot of good those promises were.”) Jason had sat beside him. Both of them were reading quietly, finding comfort in the silence and the constant beeps of the heart monitor.

“Jason?” Dick inquired after a while, not looking up from his well-worn copy of the Robin Hood novel his mother and father gifted to him on his seventh birthday.

Jason grunted in response, eyes still trained on his own book.

Dick took that as a reason to continue, “Why did you say those things to Wally?”

Jason looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Because no one hurts my big brother and gets away with it.”

The silence continued for a second before Dick spoke up, “Do you think you could read your book to me?”

The other vigilante raised an eyebrow, “You want to hear about The Reign of Terror.”

“Jay-bird, I’m an uncultured gypsy circus freak that Bruce Wayne took in as a charity case and you’re a street rat from Crime Alley that was yet another charity case. Nothing would be a better way for us to bond than to hear about anarchy and revolution against the bourgeoisie. Nothing brings together two people better than discussions of Class Warfare. Besides, it might give us ideas for Bruce’s next stupid gala.”

“True that,” Jason flipped to the front page and began, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness..”

_____

Later on, after a night of patrol, when Tim and Damian came to Dick’s room, they found him asleep with a softly snoozing Jason holding him protectively.

_____

“I love you, Dick,” Bruce whispered as he traced the back of Dick’s hand with his thumb, eyes boring into his sons, “I know that I don’t say it enough. You don’t hear it any where close to as much ass you deserve to. But I love you so much. You’re my son, my light. You were the one who pulled me out of the darkness. I can’t lose you, Robin.”

Dick’s eyes were watering and lips, trembling, “I’m not getting it, B.”

“Please. Please for me. I know I’ve already asked you for a lot, more than I should. But please consider it. For me, for your brothers, for your family. Just - please just consider it.”

Dick took a breath, “Sure, I’ll think about it.”

Bruce smiled tearfully, “Thank you, chum.”

He leaned down, cupped his son’s cheek and kissed his forehead.

____

“I have an idea,” Damian declared after removing another block from their Jenga tower. He, Jason and Tim were huddled around him on the bed. They spent the entire day playing every game they could think of - Bluff (“To enhance our body reading skills of course”), Taboo (“Jason, quit squeezing that thing before I throw my mug at you”), Uno (yeah, they had to stop three minutes in to prevent Damian from attacking Tim because of another plus four) before deciding on Jenga. When Tim got the box out, Dick proclaimed that he thought that the plain brown pieces of wood were ‘too boring’ and ‘lacked personality’ so the four of them used Damian’s art set as well as Dick’s old paints to decorate them. The end result was like something out of a Picasso painting, all conflicting colours that stuck out everywhere, but Dick thought it was the most beautiful creation on Earth.

“What is it?” Tim inquired as he removed a yellow brick that was covered with small smiley faces. He released the breath he was holding as the tower wobbled but stayed standing.

“We kill West.”

“What, Damian?” Dick exclaims, startled by Damian’s blunt reply. Whilst his youngest brother hasn’t made his negative feelings for the speedster unknown, it was unlike him to so casually speak of his murder - at least around him. “How could you say that.”

“The reason you are … in this condition” - they all flinched at the unheard ‘dying’ - “is due to West not reciprocating your feelings towards him. If he were no longer in the picture, there would be no reason for there to be unreciprocated feelings and you shall be cured.”

Dick’s eyes softened, “Damian, it doesn’t work like that. I won’t stop loving him even if he’s dead. And even if it did work, you can’t just kill him because it’ll save me. The reason I’m lying on this bed is because of me and me alone. None of it is his fault.”

“Why do you even love him?” Jason asked, “After all he’s done?”

“I don’t know,” Dick mused, he took out a brick near the foundation of the structure (a bright red one that had the words ‘BATMAN SUCKS’ scribbled on in black marker) - making it unstable and unable to hold up - and watched their carefully crafted tower crumble, “I guess the one thing I’m good at is getting hurt.”

——-

That night Dick was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. He couldn’t get much rest anyway, he’d be abruptly woken up by the bloodied petals that would burst out of his mouth like a geyser. Lo and behold, his body shook as he coughed, blood splattering onto his fingertips. He stared at the red that trickled down onto his palm. He remembered reading Macbeth back in Middle School and always wondered about Lady Macbeth - how she spent night after night plagued by her own guilt, perpetually washing her hands to get rid of the imagined bloodstains. He wondered how she felt to be trapped in her own nightmare, to lose control of her own mind. How much sleep she sacrificed. What she must have thought as she climbed the steps of the tower. How she must have felt when she jumped off, knowing that her suffering would be over. Unfortunately, Shakespeare died so he won’t be getting any answers soon. His mind flashed back to two other broken, fallen bodies and his hands covered in blood that wasn’t his own, as he just lay in bed and wondered.

_

“Food poisoning, really,” Roy Harper said, unamused. Dick smiled weakly in response, “God, look at you. What would’ve happened if I didn’t give the Manor a call when I did. Would you have, what, just died in your apartment, waiting for someone to stumble upon your corpse?”

“I didn’t want anyone to find out this way. Or at all to be honest.”

“Dick, seriously man. I’m supposed to be your big brother. How could you hide this from me. I thought you could tell me everything.”

“Roy, Hanahaki is a disease that can only be cured in two ways. Both of them are things I’d never do.”

“Richard John Grayson, I swear-”

“The only way for the surgery to work is if I consent, right. Well, I would never consent to losing the most important part of me.”

“And you won’t confess because-?”

“I can’t force someone to be with me out of pity. Especially not when they’re with someone else already. When they’ve already pushed me out of their life.”

“You really are a piece of work Grayson, you and your stupid hero-complex. You know what happens if this continues, right? You die! You die and there’s nothing any of us can do.”

“I kind of get that, Roy,” Dick deadpanned, “seeing as I’m the one that’s dying.”

“You seriously believe that I, the League, your friends, your family would be able to live without you?”

(Wally could)

“It would hurt or be hard but I’m sure that they could. My presence is not essential for survival. Besides the League existed before me, it can exist without me.” 

__

“Who hurt you, my little kitten,” Selina hummed as she traced the lines of his face.

“No one, Selina,” Dick replied, eyes shut as he melted into the show of affection, “I hurt myself.”

_

The days went by. More and more people were begging and pleading with him to take the surgery. That his life was not worth his feelings for one person. That they would still love him even if he couldn’t love them back. That having him alive and unfeeling would be much better than not having him at all. He had never seen Bruce let out so many tears in his life. The sight of the cold, calculated Batman that would make Gotham’s hardest criminals fall to their knees imploring him with a cracked, choked up voice on the verge of breaking down was something he would never forget - and he caused it.

“You are a fighter,” Diana had said one day as she sat next to him. She had spent her time telling him every story that she could think of. “You always had been. I admit that I was cautious when I heard that Batman had taken in a partner. I didn’t know if having a man like Bruce Wayne in your life would be good for you. But you were definitely good for him. You’ve changed him in ways that I couldn’t even dream of. I understand your decision, and while it’s not the one I would’ve wanted for you to take, it’s the one that suits you. For Dick Grayson without love is like the Solar System without the Sun. 

Dick took her battle-hardened hand with his own week one and held it, rubbing it with his thumb. 

“You are a fighter,” the warrior repeated, fire in her eyes, “so when you go down, go down with a fight.”

___

“When I die,” Dick said one day, high off of pain meds, “I don’t want anyone wearing black to my funeral okay. I see enough darkness already in my life, there shouldn’t be sadness during my death. Everyone should be wearing the brightest colours imaginable. At least have a yellow sock or something. I want music and laughter and embarrassing stories. Play Rick Astley instead of that terrible organ march. Hire a bubble machine instead of a Priest. And I don’t want any stupid roses either. It’s either sunflowers or nothing.”

___

“Why are you doing this Dick?” Wally asked tearfully. Dick was so weak now. His veins darkened as flowery vines curled around his chest and arms. He looked like a masterpiece, an untouchable work of art, “Why are you just letting yourself die.”

“Don’t start, Wally. Please.”

“Dick…”

“I’m not getting the surgery, Wally. So you should just drop it. You should know how stubborn I can be. So how’s things with you?”

“Dick...”

“Seriously, you’re my best friend. I want to know that at least your life doesn’t suck.”

“Well, Artemis and I broke up so ...”

“What?” Dick exclaimed in shock, “you guys broke up? But you were so happy together (happy enough to forget me). You loved her so much.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing. I don’t really know if I loved her or just really liked her. We just realised that we weren’t compatible, you know. She wanted more than I can give her.”

“Bro,” Dick looked at him with concern, “I’m so sorry. Are you okay.”

Wally gave him an incredulous look, “Dude, you’re literally dying but you’re asking me if I’m okay?”

“Again, you’re my best friend, it's my job to worry.”

“God, I don’t deserve you.” 

“Hey,” Dick chastised, “I’m the judge of whether you deserve me or not, okay. And I say that anyone who has a breakup is entitled to at least two movies and three hours of video games.

“Is that so?” Wally raised his eyebrows.

Dick gave the gravest nod he can muster, “Of course it’s true. I got a doctorate in Best Friendology, you know. So I know what I’m talking about.”

“Well, if the doctor orders.”

——

“The spark just died out, I guess. We started to realise that we were acting less like a couple and more like roommates that occasionally made out,” Wally exclaimed as he shovelled another mouth of caramel chocolate crunch ice cream into his mouth, “It was like we were just trying to make it work but it just wasn’t catching on. It’s okay though, we’re still friends so I’m cool with living the single life.”

“Not for long though,” Dick said, smiling at him with a look of pure fondness that Wally couldn’t help but blush, “you are an amazing person Wally. I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

“Yeah, right.”

“No, really. You probably don’t think it but you’re still my best friend. No one can take that away. Having you in their life would be the greatest honour a person can receive.”

“Psssh, whatever. Let’s see if you’ll still say that once I kick your butt at Call of Duty.”

__

“Dick, you can’t be serious.”

“I’m really sorry, Uncle Clark,” Dick looked down, refusing to meet his idol’s disheartened gaze.

“Dick, look at you,” Dick was sure that Clark gave him a once over with his x-ray vision when he entered, if that slight wince was anything to go by, “you’re wasting away. This isn’t you.”

“If I take the surgery, I wouldn’t be me either.”

“Of course you will. I know you think that we won’t love you if you do but we will. You will always be my nephew. I’d rather have you alive and not love me than never seeing you again.”

“Uncle Clark, I understand what you’re saying and if it was anyone else but me I would be agreeing with you. Yes, I know it’s selfish to do this but it’s the only choice I have. I don’t want people to look back at me and remember me as the person who forgot how to love. For me to be the cautionary tale for what happens if you let your emotions get the best of you. All my life I wanted to catch people, to be the safety net my parents didn’t have. If I lose my love, my passion to keep the people I love safe, then I’ll lose the very reason why I exist. You may be able to live with me but I won’t.”

“I love you Dick. So so much. Ever since the day I met you, when you threw yourself into my arms and asked if I could take you flying, I knew that you would be special, that you would change everyone’s lives for the better. And I was right, even if you made it a habit to give me heart attacks ever since you put on that mask. You will always have my respect.”

“I love you too, Uncle Clark. If anyone deserves that ‘World’s Best Uncle’ mug I gave you when I was ten, it’s you. I’d do anything for you. But this is the one thing I won’t. I’m sorry.”

They sat in silence before Dick piped up, asking sheepishly, “Do you- do you suppose you could tell me a Kryptonian legend. I wouldn’t mind hearing that one about Nightwing and Flamebird again.”

Clark smiled sadly, “It would be my pleasure.”

_____

Today’s the day.

Dick knew that he wasn’t going to survive the night. So he did everything he could. When his family came to check on him, he greeted them with a smile. When the clock chimed ten o’clock, he told them to leave.

“Dick, it’s okay. We can skip patrol,” Tim said.

“No, Tim. Batman needs Robin by his side and Robin needs his older brothers to watch his back. You can’t stop protecting Gotham just for me.”

“We’d do anything for you,” Tim’s eyes were sad, it made Dick feel bad for lying to him

“I know. Trust me, I’ll be alright. Now go so when you come back I can hear all the juicy details.” Dick gave him one of his signature Grayson smiles, using his so called puppy dog eyes for extra effect (he is ashamed to say that it’s not the first time he used them on a family member but desperate times..). “I love you guys, okay. Te iubesc, fratii mei mici (I love you, my little brothers).”

“We love you too, you big idiot,” Jason replies and Dick isn’t faking the smile when he hears that.

“Alright, come on guys. Pre-patrol hug, bring it in.”

___

“I’m not going to make it Alfie,” Dick says when Alfred arrives.

“I know, dear boy.”

“You - you know?”

The Englishman raises an eyebrow, “You may be able to deceive your brothers but do not forget that I was in the army, Master Richard. I can tell the look of a man who knows when his time has come.”

“I didn't mean to lie to them,” Dick says softly, “I just- I couldn’t let them see me like that. I didn’t want them to worry. It’s probably not the right decision but…”

“My dear child, I don’t believe that there is a right way to go about these sorts of affairs. Even on your last breath you try to shield them from the horrors of this world. You are a remarkable person, Master Richard, that is for sure.”

“Do you think I’ll meet them when I- when I go?”

“I cannot say for certain. However, I know for a fact that if you do, they would feel nothing but pride for the young man you’ve grown up to be. Just as Master Bruce and I am.”

“I love you, Alfred.” Dick’s weak voice was tearful as he looked at the man that was a grandfather to him growing up.

“And I do you, Master Richard,” Alfred’s words were choked, as if he’s struggling to hold himself together. The butler wiped away a black forelock, “It’s been an honour to serve you.”

____

After the man left on Dick’s command, with tears streaming down his usually held together face,the first Robin laid down on the bed, clutching his old stuffed elephant as he stared at the ceiling with a soft smile.

“Hi Mami, hi Tati. Let me tell you about my day…”

___

When Alfred gave them the news over the comms, the residents of Wayne Manor were stunned into silence. Not one of them moved or uttered a word before they raced back home. They all entered Dick’s room in a frenzy only to pause at the sight before them.

Alfred was sitting at the foot of Dick’s bed which was enwrapped with flowery vines - originating from the former Boy Wonder’s chest - that reached the floor and curled over the soft carpet in the shape of angel wings. Dick’s hands were clasped daintily over the centre of his unmoving chest, his eyes closed like he was asleep, his mouth was slightly parted and chrysanthemums blossomed between his lips. Black hair framed his face like a halo as lilac petals covered his body, softening his edges. The stems embraced his form, like it was protecting it from the rest of the world.

He looked like a masterpiece. A work of art to forever be treasured and to never be touched. It was the picture of haunting beauty, a real-life paradox. How could something so beautiful, so captivating be so horrific. As a painting, the sight was alluring, awe-inspiring but as the harsh truth, the picture of the man’s corpse made everyone want to vomit.

Damian and Tim fell to their knees next to him; crying, screaming, pleading. Pleasewakeuppleasewakeuppleaseplease. Bruce held them close, his own tears staining his batsuit. He wanted to shout, scream, to punch something Goddamnit! This was not supposed to happen. His son, who was so full of life, who somersaulted into his life with bright eyes that would put a nebula to shame and eager-to-please smiles, can’t go. Not like this. Not by himself, in his room (he always hated the size of his room when he first came -  hated how it was nothing like the compact trailer he grew up in). He could never sit still, not even during stakeout, not even as an adult. To see him just lying there, face blank, paralysed like he just saw Medusa was unnatural. Not even Scarecrow’s fear toxin could cook up an image so fearful. 

And Jason. Jason just stared.

It was too late

_____

Nightwing’s memorial was put up in Mount Justice the next day. Every hero on Earth attended the service. No one said anything. They all just stood there in organised rows, silently looking at the hologram of one of the strongest, most respected heroes to ever walk the planet. 

Dick would’ve hated it.

___

“He was supposed to be the best of us,” Clark said later, when everyone had returned home. Crime won’t stop because one hero had died. The world won’t stop spinning because Nightwing was no longer walking on it.  No matter how many people wished it would.

______

“Who was it?” Wally asked. 

“You,” Jason replied.

___

Richard John Grayson died a week later. The pneumonia he had contracted became fatal. That was the only information Bruce Wayne gave out to the press before shutting himself in his house, refusing to come out for a month.

The funeral was held two days after the announcement but no one except Dick’s closest friends and family were allowed to attend. Every person wore a sunflower on their jacket and a brightly coloured tie.

____

Wally sat cross-legged in front of three identical tombstones.

“I’m so sorry, Dick,” He wept, “I’m so so sorry.”

___

When Dick Grayson left Wally West’s life, there was no fanfare, no blinding lights or blaze of glory. He wasn’t Robin or Nightwing, a hero or civilian, the ward of a billionaire or the child of two acrobats from a circus, the brother of three grieving boys or the nephew of the mourning Justice League. When Dick Grayson left, he died only as a man who loved too much and expected too little.

*Mostly copied and pasted from Fanlore.org: https://fanlore.org/wiki/Hanahaki_Disease

[cameron-malkin]

RED || Self para.

News of Lexus’ sudden departure from Thornewood traveled quickly. Cameron was immediately thrown into a churning sea of panic, spawning a hasty plan in the hopes of getting his girl back. In the face of losing her, he fully embraced his feelings, knowing that if Cupid was real, he had been dealt the fatal shot through the heart long ago — longer than he had been willing to admit. He vowed it would be the first thing he said to her once he saw those amber eyes again. 

Night had fallen and the halls of Thornewood were overcast with dark shadows. The minimal light filtered through grand windows filled Cameron with an overwhelming sense of doom. One wrong turn, one miscalculation of the guard’s schedules and Cameron would be left without the one thing he needed most in this world, to see those eyes again. Cameron could live his whole life without possessions or money—he had for most of his life—but nothing could replace the happiness that Lexus brought to his agonizingly long four year stay in Thornewood. She was the light that pulled him out of the dark. 

Strong hands found the door knob of Charles Forrester’s office, picking the lock with ease. It was a skill he had perfected through the years of countless, calculated break-ins. Replacing his fear of losing Lexus with determination to find her again, more confident footsteps grounded him as he walked over to the filing cabinet where detailed files on all the patients were kept, blue eyes scanning each letter until he came to H for Hale. 

He remembered his first break in like it had been yesterday. Sometimes it felt like one of his earliest memories, sneaking around in the early hours of the morning, as a newly minted 18 year old. He could still feel the aching of his mutilated fingertips. They just wanted him to snoop through the guy’s mail. “We just need a little dirt on him, okay? Get in and get out.” Cameron wasn’t allowed to ask why, but he’d have been lying if he said there was much of a desire. He knew what they did to those who questioned them. Cameron was never so foolish.

Sneaking out of Thornewood wasn’t the difficult part of his haphazardly thrown together plan, it was the acquisition of a getaway car. Stealing Felicity’s bike had been simple, but in the dead of night, there were no cars for Cameron to borrow in Thornewood’s parking lot. Under the light of the moon, the 28 year old crossed into the neighboring development’s property, eyeing the Suburban houses that looked least occupied until he settled on one. It was second nature; the way he coaxed the car into starting for him. Another momento of his youth. 

Four years ago, he drove with his headlights off, blending in to the shadows. Rage had chilled him to the bone, his movements nearly robotic as he made his way to their apartment repeating to himself, they had known better. This time there was no request made. By every definition, he’d gone rouge. Cameron vowed to protect them the way they had protected him his entire life. Joseph had jeopardized the family, he knew the consequences of Fran’s blabbermouth. Cameron would silence her, an act that would make him a hero among his makeshift family, but a criminal in the eyes of the law. They begged him to take the plea deal, even if it meant that was the last time Cameron would ever be welcome in the Mancini house again. The risk of exposure was too great. 

Traffic lights flickered between shades of bright red and green, bathing Cameron in their glow as he mindlessly drove in a direction that he only hoped was toward his lost love. Accelerating steady as he drove to the address that he assumed was the Hales. After three long days of driving, flashes of color began to blind him, losing the little knowledge he had of his direction. Sight blurred, mind disorientated, one state morphed into another without warning, signs welcoming him to unknown territory and then passed by in a daze. With each passing mile, an intense pressure built in his brain, expanding into his chest. Rubbing a hand over his face, he rolled down the windows, trying to keep himself awake with the cold night air. Wind blowing through his hair, skull pounding, chest aching, Cameron was lost in broken memories that were suddenly interrupted by a loud, high pitched shrieking. Shallow breaths escaped his lips as his chest heaved, craving oxygen. Pulling into the shoulder, shaky hands lit a cigarette. Dropping the lighter between the seat and the ignition spawned an intense battle cry to erupt from deep within the 28 year old’s chest. He screamed an everlasting profanity until there was nothing left, his vocal chords crying out in protest. Pounding the steering wheel repeatedly, he finally knotted a hand in his hair, threatening to pull it straight out of his skull. In the midst of this unraveling, everything had turned red, the shrieking stopped, leaving nothing but mind-numbing silence.

He didn’t remember how he got inside Joseph’s house, but he would forever recall finding Fran. The relentless screaming of a woman trying to escape his tyrannical raid. He had chased her into the bedroom as furniture flew, glass shattered, doors shut. He could not be deterred. Grabbing her pink hair in his fist, he had slammed her head against the wall, teeth clenched so hard his jaw ached even after the deed had been done. Scornful words were thrown in every direction, Fran’s pleas drowned out by her incessant sobbing. Tattooed fingers found the gold clasp at the nape of her neck, fashioning her noose in shades of blood covered gold.

That’s how Joseph found him. On the floor. Gold chain pulled taunt around his wife’s neck. His gun clattered to the floor, shock absorbing his features as the blood drained from his face. Cameron didn’t register the click of the gun, but the bang could be heard around the world as Joseph’s blood splattered against the wall. 

“Get out of here,” Tony shot Cameron a warning look, straightening his shirt as he holstered his weapon once more. At first, the 24 year old didn’t register the older man’s words. “Cameron, get the fuck outta here!” Picked up by his collar, Cameron was thrown towards the door. Police sirens rang out into the night, bathing the crime scene in a blaze of red and blue. Cameron grabbed Tony’s hands, shoving him out of the way to wash away the sins of his crime. “Cam—”

“Go!” He commanded, rose colored water flooding the sink. For once in his life, Tony listened to Cameron, disappearing, safe into the cover of night. Footsteps clambered up the stairs in droves, calling out, “CAMDEN PD, HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!”

Head against the steering wheel, memories slowly faded from view as a weight lifted from his chest. A deep, prolonged sigh escaped his lips, shades of red neutralized by the hazy amber overtones indicating it was nearly day break. Golden tones, reminiscent of the flecks of colour in Lex’s amber hues, stared back at him, through the early morning sky. He was so close. 

[adventures-in-a-world-of-fiction]

I wish make-up was more like in The Tribe. I’ve seen a few posts criticising make-up and the fact that culture pushes a message that girls/women/female-presenting-people need to wear make-up and a lot of the time I agree with those posts. The arguments I tend to see in favour of make-up talk about how people as individuals enjoy doing make-up, or that it’s a form of self-expression.

Which brings me to The Tribe. This was a TV show that was on when I was a kid and I can best describe it as a post-apocalyptic soap opera. The characters in this show must have spent an astonishing amount of time and effort on hair dye and make-up (especially given that there’s a season 1 plot line about them running out of clean water, but that’s beside the point) but the make-up they wear is in bright colours and clear patterns.

It’s used to show things about the characters or their relationships to each other.

You get a character like Zandra who is very traditionally feminine, who paints sparkly love hearts, stars, or flowers on her cheeks:

Then you get a character like Ebony who is a harder character, more of a fighter, who wears flames on her forehead and a harsh line across her eyes:

I’m not sure what’s going on with Amber here:

But it’s not just the female characters. The guys do it too (although usually not quite as extreme as the girls).

This is Pride. He’s really keen on nature so you get a lot of greens and blues in his make-up, and leaf patterns. 

The guys are shown to care about their make-up. There’s an episode in season 2 where Jack is interested in a girl and he’s shown changing his make-up design to try and get her attention.

Make-up is also used to show alliances, both formally and informally. At the start of season 1, Amber and Dal are friends so they have a matching green line going across their foreheads:

Later on, Dal often wears similar make-up to Jack when they become friends.

Ryan follows Lex and is his best friend, so they often have the same patterns, like these lines around the eyes:

The make-up is used more officially to mark differences too. When the group go to a big meeting with lots of other groups, they all wear a matching symbol on their foreheads to show that they’re part of the same tribe.

This is make-up being used to express personality and show friendship groups.

I would have much less of a problem with make-up if the enjoyment of it or using it as a form of freedom of expression meant things like this. My biggest problem with make-up is when it’s designed to make it look like you’re not wearing make-up. You see guys commenting “girls look better without make-up” on pictures where a girl is wearing foundation, blusher, eye liner, mascara, and probably five other things. That sets unrealistic expectations and leaves girls believing that they’re ugly if they’re not wearing make-up. That’s what I think is harmful.

You want to use make-up to express yourself? Go for it. Paint half your face bright colours. Cover yourself in glitter. Design intricate patterns. Match yourself to your best friend so everyone knows how close you are. But stop telling girls that they need to cover up their whole face in natural-look make-up before they can be seen in public.

[aousboom]

super long tag game woo

my love @floatingdownthemoonriver tagged me in this super long tag game and is giving me something to do at work so here we go! thanks love :’)

the last…

drink: water it’s pretty much all i drink time you cried: i think tuesday night during fight my way lmfao i cry over literally everything

phone call: trying to get in contact w/ the lady who runs the fellowship program i applied to

text message: me to my sister: “100 emoji, fire emoji, crown crown crown emoji” lmfaoooo

song you listened to: that girl by btob’s peniel!!!! support this angel’s solo track please and buy it on itunes or stream on spotify!

have you…

dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone one

kissed someone and regretted it: not right after it happened but i regret dating said people for so long

been cheated on: noooo

lost someone special: yesssss

been depressed: hahahahaaaaaaaaa

gotten drunk and thrown up: only one and i’ve never drank to that point again i have weird issues with throwing up and i try to avoid it at all costs

list three favourite colours…

omg okay: sunset oranges, purple, seafoam greens

in the last year have you…

made new friends: yessss omg it’s basically been a year since i connected with and met julie, justine, and lindsey and they’re the greatest people in my life!!!! and i’ve met so many amazing friends through my kdrama network im so grateful for them!!! and also the lovely people from my korean class including my crush

fallen out of love: i’ve never truly been in love

laughed until you cried: yesss not recently though

found out someone was talking about you: noooope

met someone who changed you: i dont know if i’ve truly changed at all in the past year

found out who your friends are: i;ve known

kissed someone on your facebook list: i fucking wish

general…

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all if not all

do you have any pets: not here in pittsburgh with me but my family has one pup, 3 cats, and a bunny at the moment

do you want to change your name: honestly i’ve always loved my name                    

what did you do for your last birthday: worked lol

what time did you wake up: 9:30am for work

what were you doing at midnight last night: ummm i think i was probably watching someone on youtube

name something you can’t wait for: um idk i’d like to find out about this fellowship but i feel like i didnt get it so i cant really say im looking forward to it

when was the last time you saw your mom: monday before i left to come back to pitt

what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: let’s seeee... my body, my acne scars, my mental illness, my family’s financial situation, my dad’s health, i wish my mom was happy, my future to actually look bright... so much more

what are you listening right now: nothing im at work

have you ever talked to a person named tom: in like kindergarten there was this kid in my class named tommy and he randomly added me on fb a few years ago

something that is getting on your nerves: loud chewing,leaving my room and leaving the door open

most visited website: tumblr, twitter, dramafever/dramafire, mydramalist

about me…

mole/s: i have a lot of little ones

mark/s: i have a lot of acne scarring and scarring on my back from my dermatillomania, a lot of stretch marks, scars from my gallbladder surgery, and really faint ones from when used to hurt myself, and random scars here and there from scrapes and cuts

childhood dream: cliche but i really wanted to be a singer

hair colour: dark brown, so dark people basically think it’s black

long or short hair: it’s basically right in the middle

do you have a crush on someone: yessss one of the teachers from my korean class omg i really developed the biggest crush on him hes so adorable and sweet and watching him teach is my favorite thing like this is a school girl level crush yall idk what’s wrong with me

what do you like about yourself: hahaaaaa ummmmmmmmmmmmm i love my skin tone and my eye shape andddd yeah

piercings: i have my ears pierced but i have worn earrings in years so i think it closed up

blood type: omg i learned this after my surgery i pretty sure it’s O positive

nickname: lex and lexi are what most people call me... my dad used to call me longneck and i couldn’t tell you any ounce of a reason why

relationship status: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

zodiac: libra

pronouns: she/her!

favourite tv show (s): i mostly watch kdramas now but my fave american shows would be criminal minds, lost, friday night lights, brooklyn 99, baby daddy, superstore, and the get down

tattoos: two and i want more when i actually have money!

right or left hand: right!

surgery: my first ever surgery was getting my gallbladder removed in march

hair dyed in different colour: i got red highlights in my hair in 9th grade but that’s it

sport: i played softed from ages 5-18 and i miss it every damn year

vacation: my most exciting vacation is disney world

pair of trainers: i mostly wear vans... i have nice nike running shoes that i used for work though

more general…

eating: sadly mu appetite is a mess right now bc my stomach is a mess

drinking: water, dr. pepper, arnold palmer, bubble tea

i’m about to: cry.... at any given point in time

waiting for: someone to contact me about this damn fellowship so i can just accept that i didnt get in and move on

want: a romantic relationship

get married: i want to but i don’t think anyone will ever want to marry me so

career: psychologist!!!! although at this point idk how long it will take me to get there

which is better…

hugs or kisses: kisses kisses kisses i want kisses

lips or eyes: hmmmm i like lips

short or tall: tall but honestly i dont care           

older or younger: i prefer older but i would probably date someone like up to 2 years younger

nice arms or nice stomach: i love arm

sensitive or loud: i think i prefer sensitive just because i can’t loud personalities cab overwhelm me

hook up or relationship: relationship :’)

troublemaker or hesitant: in the middle maybe more towards the troublemaker end

have you ever…

kissed a stranger: nope!

drank hard liquor: yessss

lost glasses/contact lenses: i havent lost them but one time my glasses legit snapped in half when i took them off when i came inside because they were legit frozen from the cold

turned someone down: only creepy dudes who just want to fetishize my body

sex on the first date: i could never i dont have confidence for that

broken someone’s heart: noooooo 

had your heart broken: hmmm yeah i guess so

been arrested: noooo

cried when someone died: yes :(

fallen for a friend: in like 8th grade... but not like falling in love i really dont think i was capable of being in love then but he was like my best friend and i did like him a lot

do you believe in…

yourself: idk sometimes                  

miracles: yes? idk

love at first sight: infatuation and attraction yes, love no

santa claus: yesssssssssssssssss

kiss on the first date: yes if i felt comfortable enough with them

angels: yes

other…

current best friends name: amber, julie, justine, lindsey and so many other people im really close to

eye colour: brown :/

favourite movie(s): the lion king!!!!, kick ass, juno, titanic

OKAY I MADE IT im gonna tag @properlypadfoot @jemcarstairz @hyukbinnie @bellamybbblake @seokjinings @celes-tae and anyone else who wants to be tagged!!!!