#serotonin post for sad days

[maximura]

A Cupcake personified

[your-subby-creature]

OH I may have figured out why my brain is so MEAN this is entirely my fault and now I'm a little embarrassed about crying about the same thing 4 times in the past 24 hours

[blamemma]

.

[faiell]

yapping about fics and commenting

sorry to yap but work is boring today and tumblr isn't blocked on my work computer LOL

ok it's abt that post where the writer friend stopped writing because they weren't getting the comments/kudos they wanted.

i'm like. an overeager fandom person. like i cannot get into a fandom without wanting to meet new people and make friends. i love yapping about whatever silly gay idiots i'm hyperfixating over. i'm all about community, and sharing the joy of fandom, and all that fun positive stuff.

i don't post my art for stats but like. that means nothing coming from me tbh. i get stats. i can't accurately predict what would happen if i stopped getting notes on my art, but i would probably keep drawing and keep posting, just maybe less confidently, and less often. i recognize that stats make it much easier and while it’s not my primary motivation, it definitely motivates me to keep posting.

and yet. for years, i never commented on fic. i think i left kudos? and i saw posts like this all the time about how writers were so sad they didn't get comments. and i would feel super guilty about it all the time. but i still wouldn't do it! it sounds stupid, but i would feel pressured. if i liked a fic a lot, it felt even more difficult to comment, because i thought i would have to somehow give back to the author everything that fic gave to me. i wanted to craft the perfect comment that could perfectly encapsulate everything a fic made me feel. and that was way too much pressure so i would just not say anything.

when i got into drarry, i started reading a shit ton of fic. and i still wouldn't comment. i left maybe... 2 or 3 comments, maybe, i think. i can't remember. but i had a lot to say and i WANTED the writers to hear that i had read it and liked it. i just... didn't comment! u know what i did instead? i just fucking straight up DM'd writers on discord and started gushing to them that i liked their fic. somehow i was confident enough to do that, but writing a comment still felt like too much pressure. ?? i don't understand it either, but in my head it felt like a writing assignment, but when I was in DMs it felt more like a conversation and so there wasn't any pressure to make it "good"? idk!! it's very weird.

then i wrote and posted my first complete fic. just a oneshot, nothing special, and i was like. UNREASONABLY nervous about posting it. like. i am a confident person, okay? i was going to make a burner AO3 account and post it under a different name so nobody would know it was me, and then never mention it to anyone except MAYBE super close friends. i got talked out of doing that (thanks i feel a bit silly about considering that now). and then i received my first comment on it, which was basically a two-liner where someone said they liked it and thanked me for writing it.

and i was like. ??...?????? ???????? ...??!!! because i felt like... uncontainable glee? i was freakishly happy. the amount of serotonin those two sentences gave me was definitely unnatural.

is that healthy? idk. will it continue? idk. LOL. i hope so? but idk, some people said it wears off if you write/post for a while. but whatever, the fact that one little comment like that could make my entire day blew my mind. tbh i thought writers were just exaggerating when they said stuff like that.

ever since then i started leaving comments! that shit's easy! like what was i overthinking for? i'm such a fucking tryhard! all i gotta say is that i liked it, and even the bare minimum can bring lots of joy to someone.

so basically what im trying to say is that negative reinforcement doesn't do shit!! it just makes people feel bad about themselves. that post is nasty for guilt-tripping readers like that, and i bet you it's going to have the opposite effect (or no effect tbh).

YAPPING FINISHED. for now.

[kingofbodyrolls]

For this rainbow, I finally picked up my professional camera again. The last images stored there tells me that the last time I used it was the 1st of December 2023. Wild. But I picked it up thanks to this pretty rainbow, which was actually a double rainbow. So pretty. This image is made up of three into a panorama shot, and Lightroom was a bit funky with putting them together, so please don't mind the badly processed house in the middle; no, we're not looking at that 😂

For people who want a wall of text status update, it's under the cut.

How are you all doing? I'm hanging in there. Not active much, but I still haven't gotten myself into deleting my tumblr app. So I still see and get all your notifs, even if I don't reply right away! I'm still taking time off, trying to figure out what I want to do with the blog for the future... I have not written a fanfic in some time now, but I have two finished stories that are ready to be published, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure about a lot of things these days... I've had dark days, written a lot of sad and dark poems (that will go on my sub blog some time in the future), and I've begun to write an original story. It's really fun; about magic, witches and mages; about good and evil and all the gray in between. It will probably bore you, but it's fun to write, even though I don't think anyone would read it except for a few friends (even though this thing might be the longest thing I'll write, turning into either two or three books lol).

Serotonin boost I get happy when I get notifs with comments and/or reblogs of my stories; it really touches my heart. To be honest, this is why I left/taking time off. I've always felt that interaction was low, and my stupid brain will not let me stop comparing myself to others, so it slowly killed my drive for writing and posting. If no one interacts, what's the point of posting? If no one interacts, what's the point of writing? But I love writing, and it's one of my creative outlets, so I couldn't let that go completely, hence I started writing original stories instead; no ones gonna read them anyway, but I can still play with characters, world building and storytelling. Those are the things I loved about fanfics---and I still do, don't get me wrong. But I feel so discouraged being on here. But I'm happy to know that a few people still care.

The Downfall This also made it quite hard for me to read; because I felt so unmotivated... I haven't read much this month at all. I tried to read a fanfic this Monday, didn't finish it and haven't picked it up since. Honestly, I've just been watching documentaries because I'm in a (tumblr) slump. I feel drained though; I feel like I've given so much, and I love it. I love making people happy, leaving lovely reviews, and it's as much for myself as it is for making another person happy---but to be honest, it has drained me. I know I shouldn't ask for anything in return, but I feel imbalanced. Like I'm not being filled with much love, if that makes sense? I don't really feel appreciated, but don't get me wrong, I don't feel hated (yeah, I'm so good at being black and white), sorry---I know I sound very pessimistic. But you guess have always been so kind to me, and I love you a lot, and I have a few super lovely mutuals and friends that are lovely internet friends that I adore, so I wanted to be real with all of you. You can hate me for it if you want to. Go ahead.

I don't think I'm going to make a recommend list this month. I haven't really read anything, so it'll be really small. And I don't like the pressure of it anymore... which is why for a long time I've thought about not doing them anymore. Maybe some day I will again in the future. But I'd still love to make rec list on the member's birthdays! And I think this will help me, take some pressure off myself (that I've created myself), so I'll still read and rec, it will just be slower---whenever I feel like it, and not because I have to read to make a monthly rec list. This isn't my job, I'm not getting paid doing all of this, and the amount of time I've been spending on both reading and writing is more than 37+ hours a week, sooo. I have to slow down.

A part of me thinks that I flew too fast, too high and too close to the sun, lol. I'm still gonna be here, you can still send in asks for rec list or whatever you want, all is welcome (except hate, because then I'll simply just delete my blog, my mental health can't take that).

To post, or not to post? Should I post the two stories that I have? Both of them are for the series Friendcation.

And for the unfinished mermaid stories I still have left, I hope I'll finish them in the future; when, I don't know. Maybe one day I'll feel love for them again, to finish them. I have them all planned out, but like I mentioned before, with low interaction, I'm really not motivated to finish them, even though part of me really want to for the like five people that are so sweet and invested, and always comments and reblogs (you guys know who you are, and I love you so fucking much 🥰).

To all the stories I'll probably never write...

I still have some other unfinished but planned stories, and I'm gonna list them here, just for the hell of it. Don't know if people would have found them interesting anyway, but here goes:

Words on a Page (a Namjoon x reader, idol!au where reader is a fanfiction writer and interviewer for a magazine and has to interview BTS). Author's comment: probably never gonna write it. It has been done before, and it was just a very very silly dream I had.

Songs of The Heart (a Jimin x reader, musician!au where Jimin is a single father and reader moves into the house next to his, hear his lonely songs etc, they meet, talk, very angsty, sad and nostalgic and 'Who' coded). Author's comment: this idea came to me after listening to 'who' and then thinking about Jimin being my next door neighbor, yeah, that's it. Don't know if this will ever get written.

IT Support (a Jimin x reader, office!au where Jimin is your nerdy coworker, but a freak in the sheets, lol). Author's comment: this has honestly been on my list for years, but I never written anything for it, and I probably never will, even though I've made the banner and all.

I do have a few more, but I've already scraped those, and then there's the four mermaid stories to add to the list. I'm probably mostly excited about the mermaid stories, and those would be my priority if I ever get back into writing fanfiction again.

I swear, I'm almost finished... Okay, this whole thing has gotten incredibly long. Sorry. Before I end this post, I just want to say how happy and grateful I am to each and everyone of you. I've met some incredible nice people on here, some really caring ones. I'll never forget that. And I'll never forget each wonderful and lovely comment, some people have really helped me, motivated me when I felt low, and when I wanted to stop writing a few months back. Thank you. I kept going, and I wish I could keep going for you, making something special, for the special people I met here. I actually really wanted to do requests for you guys in hopes that it would motivate me into writing, but I just don't know. I still want to give so much back to the people who have hyped me up, so I'm going to tag a few of you lovely people--- if you have a request for a story, you're welcome to message me or send me an ask. I don't know if or when I'll write it, but in case I get a bit of motivation, I have some things I could write from, so if you want to, you can send me a request (just keep in mind the story will probably be a one-shot from 10-20k max or maybe shorter, lol, you never know with me). You don't have to send me a request, I simply want to give back to some lovely people. I wish I could hug you.

@letjungcoook7 @honeybloomyyyy @babystarcandyjk97 @minpdrecs @bobathi @allie-is-a-panda @back2bluesidex @gimeow @antisocial-mochi267

These are but just a few of the people that have supported me on there, either by commenting, reblogging, ask, messaging--you name it. I could list many others, and one day I might make a post celebrating all mt lovely mutuals, that means a lot to me. Thank you for interacting; you've (as long with others) helped me when times were tough. Thank you.

I had actually planned to open a "recommend a fic" section/box, but I'm not sure about that. I still have so many fics on my to read list, and right now I don't want to pile more onto it. Might do it in the future, when I've finally made it through my own lists.

Okay, I have to end this post for real now.

I'm still on tumblr, I still have my app. I deleted my discord app on my phone, but I'm still part of the servers I was before, I'm just not active. It's better for me that way right now, because it all got to be too much. I was just reminded of how much of a failure I feel like (no, we're not getting into that not, store it away). But you can always contact me here. I'm lurking sometimes. I look forward to reading in a more leisurely pace and hopefully not feeling pressured to make the rec lists as I did before (even though just for the completionist in me I want to finish them for just this year, lol).

Okay. If you read this far---thank you, I adore you, I love you, you're nice, keep going 💜

[callsignhood]

hi hoodie!! just wanna let you know that you're very loved and cherished, talking from personal experience! i check your blog everyday! it's sad Tumblr doesn't let me comment but I'd love to show my appreciation on your posts with comments rather than send asks 😭 anywho! just wanna tell you that you're amazing and your blog is amazing your blog aesthetic is amazing despite it blinding me everytime but that's okay 🫶 and your drawings AND writings are really amazing too! i visit your blog everytime i need a lil serotonin boost or some comfort or familiarity and I'm so sorry if that's creepy or I'm being sappy but you have no idea how much i freaking love your blog, i really wanna make fanart for you or draw your persona but idk what your persona is like so if you please could give me a description that'd be as lovely as you and your presence (which are really lovely btw) thank you and have a good night I'm sorry if I'm too much!! 🫶

Hi! Thank you for your kind words, I’m actually having a bad day, and this made me smile. 😢🩵 I’m thankful that you’re enjoying my amateur sketches. I unfortunately don’t have a persona, but I’m building my own CoD OC, here’s my Canadian moose boy. 🇨🇦 It’s wonderful to hear that you wanna draw fanart, I’m very flattered. Also sorry lmao I’m used to drawing white canvas, I’ll try to draw on grey! Sorry to hear you can’t comment yet, you can DM me straight up if you want

[icepoptroll]

🌟⭐ headcannons for Ricky Noel Ocean and Constance please:3

So for this one, @cyanidearctic and @panicattheanimeconvention and I all put our heads together to come up with these lol

Happy:

Ricky: He can sign songs with his hands with such expression and joy that it almost looks like he's like. sort of VISUALLY singing. Before, no one knew how awesome it looked when he signs but post-Cyclone the choir would have him incorporate sign language into their routines. Bonus because I'm Ricky-obsessed: his moms take him to all of the comic/sci-fi conventions!!

Noel: He and his mom have days out together wherein they do fun and cost-effective things together. Noel's a major mama's boy, she's his best friend!!

Ocean: Post-Cyclone she was amazed to find how much happier she was as everyone's equal and friend than trying to be everyone's superior. She's so glad she chose love

Constance: Post-Cyclone her baby brother was her rock. She appreciates him and the cute little things he does exponentially more now, watching him play is one of her main sources of serotonin

Sad:

Ricky: He has written down specific care instructions for each of his cats in the event that he passes away. When one of his cats dies he gets a plush cat that looks like it. They're all piled on his bed.

Noel: When his dad left he left behind several hats and coats that Noel spent weeks sleeping on until his dad's scent was gone.

Ocean: You know how sometimes you're just laying awake in bed and you remember something you did years ago that you regret? That's Ocean. All the time. With multiple multiple regrets about multiple multiple people.

Constance: People who have known her for years would forget her name, call her "Cristin" or "Carla" cause yeah that sounds about right I guess. Her kindness was often taken advantage of.

[nnightskiess]

🌼 dating cara ward... part two

contains spoilers (book&series)

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

⋆*·ﾟ You once made Cara a friendship bracelet with your name on it, back when you were just friends, but she hasn't taken it off ever since.

⋆*·ﾟ You go to all of her tennis matches. At first, it ruined her concentration and filled her with nerves but as time went on and your relationship became more serious, she needed you there as her very own good luck charm or she just knew it would be a shit match.

⋆*·ﾟ Afterwards, you always eat a cheat meal together as a reward. As you sit on her bedroom floor, tightly pressed together, eyes fixated on the newest episode of Love Island and both with a plate of chip butties in hand, she always falls in love with you a little more.

⋆*·ﾟ Her father gave her and Naomi two bunnies to care for after their mother passed. While Naomi took care of them less and less as time went on, Cara, even to this day, still passionately looks after them. With the help of Connor, she named them Dottie, (because it had a couple of different coloured spots) and Button (because of its cute nose). She always beams when she sees you with them. Definitely has photos of you sitting in the grass in her backyard during a picnic with her, as the bunnies curiously examine the leftover strawberry you're offering them.

⋆*·ﾟ Joining sleepovers with her friends in Connor's backyard. Pop-up tents, watching movies on a laptop, pizza, games and later snuggling up to Cara while falling asleep = prime quality time.

⋆*·ﾟ Naomi has you on speed dial in case Cara ever comes home looking sullen or whenever she goes quiet. As soon as you walk into the house and Cara sees you, she's beaming again. Naomi likes to tease you're her sister's serotonin source, but she loves how happy you make Cara.

⋆*·ﾟ Speaking of a sad Cara... where she would first only be having off days as often as any other person, she does turn more quiet after her father's secret is revealed. Despite having you and her friends in her corner, she still cannot ignore the people who stare at her whenever she walks by. She'll forever be associated with the Andie and Sal case, as the daughter of a killer. But the fact that her own father harboured such a secret and was capable of all he did, has messed a little with her head. It's a topic you tiptoed around for a little while. Also because you didn't need to ask how she felt, you could feel. But Cara knows you're her person and that she can open up when she's ready.

⋆*·ﾟ After her mother passed she tried to be as strong as she could when she saw how badly Naomi was struggling with it. Only Pip ever saw the tears that fell, but she counts herself the luckiest to have you in her corner now too. She often tells you stories about her mother when it's just the two of you and a ghost of a smile always appears on her face as she recounts the memories.

⋆*·ﾟ When she isn't locking you into her embrace to watch a show on her bed, she's definitely pulling you along to any adventure she can. Indoor rock climbing? She's already booked the place. Going for an impromptu dip in the lake? She's packing her stuff as we speak. Biking to the city to watch the newest film that has one of her celebrity crushes in it? She's grabbing her bike and ringing your door, telling you to hop on and hold tight.

⋆*·ﾟ No matter how much she likes her phone and her socials and taking plenty of pictures of the two of you to then post and flaunt on the internet, nothing can ever beat the time you spend together with your phones off. It's cute how serious she is when it comes to her phone usage when you're around. This also means she tries to come up with things to do that don't involve screen time. It helps you feel like you're really in your own little world when it's just the two of you on some adventure.

⋆*·ﾟ That's also how her friends know she's with you. If she doesn't pick up, she's either asleep, or spending time with you.

⋆*·ﾟ You have a few of her clothes that have ended up in your closet after sleepovers, but they're yours now and Cara wouldn't want it any other way. When you sleep in her oversized shirt? Or when you show up at school during a gloomy day all snugly wrapped up in her jumper? Girly's heart goes boom boom boom. She definitely takes something of yours too, but she's a little secretive about it and you probably won't find out until you're desperately searching for the clothing item and she's just looking at you with a secretive grin. Having something cosy of yours to wear whenever you can't be with her, always calms her down and grounds her.

⋆*·ﾟ She's SO smitten with you, and you can often catch her staring at you as if you put the stars in the sky for her. It's the most adorable look ever. Little glances through the rearview mirror when you're in the car with her friends... glancing over her shoulder to look at you in class... or just admiring you while you're talking about something you're passionate about. It's cute, and she definitely gets teased for it by Lauren.

⋆*·ﾟ No matter how adorable she can be, she also houses a ton of dirty jokes or comments she can whip out at any given moment. It often catches you off-guard, but it's exactly why she does it— to see you flustered.

⋆*·ﾟ Cara likes it when you paint each other's nails with some music softly playing in the background. And she can never help the giggles when you scold her for not being able to wait long enough for it to not smudge. She's used to chapped nail polish though, since she likes to play the guitar a lot. But perhaps that's also an excuse so that you can paint her nails again.

⋆*·ﾟ If you don't know how to play the guitar yet, she will definitely use that as an excuse to pull you onto her lap and help you strum the right rhythm and hit the right chords with her arms around you, guiding you.

⋆*·ﾟ Jumping on your bed and goofing off while blasting Chappell Roan or any other artist you're both in love with will always paint a smile on her face that will stay there for the rest of the day.

⋆*·ﾟ⋆*·ﾟ⋆*·ﾟ⋆*·ﾟ⋆*·ﾟ⋆*·ﾟ

this was in my drafts for way too long, but i figured it was long over due with this week's release of the series </3

[whatacartouchebag]

So holy shit, just had a commenter apologise for getting excited and commenting on a bunch of my fics, thinking they were being annoying for doing it on works that were so old.

My dude, the oldest one was posted just over a YEAR ago.

Like christ on a cracker, wrapping my head around this mentality genuinely hurts. I still get the fleeting, odd comment on stuff that I posted to an FF.net account I abandoned in 2008. I'm still posting stuff to the same fandom that this commenter is reading fics from! I literally posted something within the last month!

I get that the consumerism of fanworks has taken over fandom spaces entirely. I get it, but fuck me if I detest it dearly. If something's not sitting on the front page of a tag, it's just considered dead, and I hate it.

Not to be all old man yells at cloud, but the way being a part of any sort of fandom space means playing a number game from hell these days is honestly the worst feeling. We're not in it for the numbers! We never were! The numbers are the smallest pip of serotonin on our radar compared to actual feedback and comments.

When this person first came into my inbox, and I saw a string of four of five email notifs come in to say I'd received a new comment, my dudes, I CRIED. Teared up like a bitch, because that's something that's so rare and beautiful and I've never seen it happen before. I honestly felt so blessed and warm and fuzzy. The fact this person took the time out of their day to read it and tell me the parts they liked, tell me they passed a couple of these fics onto others, just tell me a solemn thank you for writing what I do...

THAT'S WHAT I WRITE FOR.

No, I don't crave praise. No, it doesn't fill my ego.

It's about putting something out there into the void and hearing an echo finally. It's about standing up on stage and waiting for someone in the audience to make any sort of response other than cough and shuffle out the door. It's about knowing we've hit some sort of emotional response in our readers, because that's the ONLY way we know what we're doing is working. It's the ONLY way we know how to improve.

It just... it makes me so sad to know that we're only ever seen as products these days, not people. I love creating. I love being able to write, but it just hurts so much when it feels like no one else out there cares, you know?

Because that's what fandom culture is these days.

It honestly feels like no one cares, and fans are actively apologising for existing.

Like what the fuck went wrong along the way to nurture this mentality and how do we surgically remove it with a chainsaw.

[002yb]

You are such a gift to the dickjay truthers and enjoyers (like myself); and an even bigger gift to the babygirl jason todd agenda. I've literally consumed everything you've written about them, and i love you and your writing so much. I hope ur having a great fucking day. and thank you so much for sharing your writing with us!!!! Its genuinely so appreciated, and i can literally feel the serotonin rush in my brain whenever you post something new. Like I'm genuinely in love with your dick grayson, it's a problem.

Excuse me as I ugly cry in a corner, omg. Anon, this is such a kind and thoughtful message that I think I was dearly in need of - thank you so much for this. (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)♡ I'm so happy that you enjoy my dkjy posts! This ship is so dear to me, as are my many agendas hahaha (maiden!Jason, babygirl!Jason, degenerate!Dick, monstrous!Dick); it's really uplifting to know that you've enjoyed my posts and that they've brought you some happiness. (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡♡♡ Thank you for the support and encouragement and for reading; you're very sweet!

And that you enjoy how I write Dick omg something about this particular comment delights me so much, thank you!

Soppy updates below the cut because I know the posts have been generally scarce and lacking lately and I feel bad for ghosting orz:

Writing hasn't been enjoyable for me for some time now. Everything is so jumbled in my head that even trying to daydream a plot is frustrating/overwhelming. It's just been a big fight to create anything and it's been discouraging, to say the least. Not sure if it's burnout or if that creative spark died, but to go from being teeming with all the thoughts and ideas to being so empty is very sad for me.

But yeah, all that to say that I apologize for posting less and potentially posting rough things. Trying to find that joy again; wish me luck!

[thedreadvampy]

am I actually legitimately upset or am I Tired: the eternal question

I'm having. A really bad brain time. And nobody who could help has any FUCKING time to talk to me. I just want Friending!!!!!

[revalition]

HELLO!!! congrats on finishing the intellect skills!!! :D!! this ask is your free pass to share any INT quotes you didn't get to share this week >:3!!! i would LOVE to read all of your cool quotes!!! <33 (if you have more than can fit in this ask i CAN AND WILL SEND YOU ANOTHER if you want me to!! hkjg <333)

hello voli!! ooh... I like this. You also get my not-asked-for comments on them, yay!

fair warning that most of these are probably 'less good' quotes since i had to pick and choose the ones I liked best to put in the posts. but. anyway.

making a cut here because it's gonna be loooong

lots of Logic ones! he has the most passives of all the skills so...

hehe logic won't let you mess up some important stuff!

this second one, Kim will stop you. And if Kim's not there, Reaction Speed will stop you (easy). And if RS doesn't fire, Logic stops you haha.

he gets so excited! very rarely!

go go logic deny it!

big one, but I love when so many talk at once. yeah logic, why didnt you think of it?? hmm??

as always, it's you who's dumb! never ever logic

it's endlessly funny to me when the skills ask the others to contribute and then they just... dont show up.

good question...

This one is SO funny. Logic. ily. this is also a Medium check!! I completely missed this one when searching through earlier. I wish fayde could just bomb my computer with all the logic dialogue so I could sift through 80 pages of it, instead of limiting it to 100 results :(

(this shows up if the query is too big - Sorry, all the words from your query were filtered out. Please use less common words, and ones which are longer than 1 letter (partial and mid-word matches count, you see, so searching 'd' would return everything with a 'd' in it, and that's like 53,000 records, you won't want to read all that!) and, like... no, no, you are severely underestimating me. I actually do want to read all that, desperately)

anyway.

Logic passive fails my beloved

is he not creative enough to make something up?? echem, drama, and inland come up with times for him

hghhk the great serotonin jackpot. I'm super normal about electrochemistry. who is NOT an int skill and will have to wait. logic's comment heals your morale!!

ah yes, very normal things for a joyrider to have in their car. ty logic!

his love of jigsaw puzzlessss

what could go wrong??

related:

this is a different check! but thank goodness for these guys and their stupidly brilliant ideas. saved the day in my 1 INT run.

wow! sarcastic logic my beloved. one second before empathy throws moralism at you

mmm, this one isn't super logic focused, but you can't get this dialogue without passing the challenging Logic passive... and it's really interesting.

this is about to get really rambly but I read a story once about if when you die, your soul travels to a timeline where the flow of events was different and you didn't die. But as your life progresses, avoiding death becomes less and less likely... (eg, avoiding death by getting hit by a bus would take you to a very similar timeline. But avoiding death from old age...) and by the end, the world was unrecognizable. It was a bit sad... I wish I could remember what it was called.

This dialogue reminded me of it. Of the improbable futures. A world where you hit that 3% chance on the dice over and over and it slowly changes everything.

anyway!!

if you didn't deduce that the 2mm hole in the world is a baby pale, a Legendary Logic passive can deduce that it's really off that your radio is catching entroponetic crosstalk all the way in Martinaise.

If you deduce the pale in the church, Soona comments that the recording in the electronic doorbell is likely crosstalk, and Kim makes a comment about often getting crosstalk on the police radio as well.

But it doesn't seem like anyone else has come to the same conclusion...

Harry knows a lot more about the pale than he should.

The final rest state for reality.

hustler logic!!

Logic... come on man. this is not helping. The whole dream is so horrible. He's so nonchalant about it too.

Look at this! The variable is called volition tea... Conceptualization imagining the yummy ginger tea for you is so sweet

I love this. Poor Kim...

Thank you Conceptualization. We would be lost without you.

:(((

poor harry

KIM don't take away concy's poetic name!! >:(

I love these twooo.

and that's apparently 30... uhm. I got extra logic and conceptualization ones in at least..?

you can feel free to send another ask if you actually want even more haha

I was supposed to spend tonight assembling volition quotes!!! and then I somehow got sidetracked on this for (checks clock...) 2 hours. oops. but it's okay cause I picked up lots of other great quotes to shove into my giant doc!

ok :) that's it. thank you for the ask!!! hopefully you don't regret asking (though if you do... you should have known better lol)

[mctwinkdom]

Landoscar drought diaries

Day number *I already lost count*: I don't know how many more days I'll survive without my serotonin boost. Do I still ship them? What is reality? Do you remember the fever dream that was Bahrain? The amount of content we got, the cute interviews.

I'm sad 💔

You speak to my soul, Anon...

We didn't have a landoscar video since the post-race review at the Australian GP and I'm STARVING. We have so little content... and I don't know if it's because we're still early in the season or if they decide to film less content or a third secret reason (they look too lovey dovey and mclaren can't publish any incriminating material).

Ngl the lack of lansdoscar hurts my heart and brain, I didn't have motivation to write for them since a while.

Let's stay hopeful lol. The few videos we had of them were golden: they already gave us the softest conversation known to men (during the pre-season photoshoot) and "Osc".

Quality over quantity, always.

[bloodpen-to-paper]

Alright folks, final Qsmp post of the day (--will have mentions of the Forever situation fyi--)

The prison event was very fun and I got some good laughs (especially from the therapy session). I'm glad to be back and have broken the ice after being radio silent for like 3 weeks.

Going forward, I don't think I'll be as emotionally invested with the lore as I was before with Forever's content, and him not being here is still weird for me. There's moments that feel so much like he should be there, and references that I know would've been made if the server wasn't collectively ignoring his existence. I understand why they're doing that, and I'm not saying they shouldn't. I remember seeing some posts after the initial blow up saying it would probably feel off for a while before the server found a way to fully move past it. Its completely understandable, just like I hope its understandable that people like me still feel sad and hurt over the loss. That'll take a while, and I'm sharing this cause I hope this can resonate with anyone who feels the same.

Oddly enough, this whole situation gave me the opportunity to step back and learn a lot about myself. Hyperfixations are a big deal for ND people, it can be life consuming, and as much as I stand by the fact that everything would've been astronomically better if this never happened... I do think it helped me analyze my own brain in a way I didn't before, issues I had been ignoring or hadn't realized. There's a lot to life, and sometimes you lose sight of that when you're zeroed in on one thing 24/7. I'll still think about the cubito and consume content of him until I naturally lose interest (shout out to the other former Forever fans who are doing the same, separating character from CC of course), but from here on the Qsmp is something I'd like to just have fun with. Something for creativity and culture, but as a fun hobby rather than a serotonin lifeline. This may sound dramatic, but you never know what's happening in someone's life, and what they use to keep themselves going when nothing else is going right for them. Its why this kind of content exists, and I'm thankful for what this server provided when I was still figuring myself out. Even with the situation, I don't want to forget about any of it. But I think I'm ready to take a new and healthier approach this time.

Having said that, I'm glad I could be here for today, and I want to continue being in this fandom until the server itself is ready to end. The Prison Event, whether planned in advance or last minute, was honestly a really great way to give a bit of a blank slate for people still feeling weird about Forever's absence. It brought a new premise disconnected from him and gave people like me a reason to come back to livestreams. I'm glad to have broken the ice and to know that I can come back to the Qsmp fanbase and content, even if its different this time, I'm glad its there for me to return to when I feel like it.

There's a billion drafts for other fandoms and topics that I want to get through, and I'd like to be more consistent with them since my Qsmp hyperfixation has calmed down a bit. But I'll be here, sometimes blogging, sometimes just vibing. Its good to be back, I missed all of you a ton. See you at the Inmate Crucifixion <3

[doxolove]

Loneliness-

(tw: mental health, trauma)

I started using the Internet at a young age to cure the loneliness around me. My parents were absent, I was incessantly bullied from second to sixth grade in elementary school. Being part of the county's first Spanish immersion program meant my bullies continued to be in my class every year.

The only thing they couldn't bully me over was art. They were nice to me when they wanted a power ranger or a Pokemon drawing– so it became a valuable tool for me to use.

I've used fandom and art most of my life to heal my own volatile attachment wounding. In conjunction to that, I developed severe codependency of anyone who gave me any time of day… It wasn't until I found myself again and again that being a ‘doormat’ for other people was/is exhausting. It wasn't until my best friend at the time said they used that to their advantage on purpose, that I started to feel disgusted at all.

Even after realizing this, I was still suffering from unchecked mental pain and trauma that I wasn't specially aware of. I let myself get into situations where this pain clashed severely against others around me. My pain in turn made me an ugly person.

I started to get help. I finally was diagnosed with depression and type 2 diabetes. The overwhelming exhaustion clouding me all hours of the day wasn't just my own apathy, it was an a1c of eleven, the cusp of a diabetic coma. This shook me to my core. With regular doctor visits and psychiatric evaluation, I finally have been able to regulate my blood sugar and non existent serotonin levels. Doing so shook me out of other things I was still doing. Things that still hurt me and those around me.

Not being aware of how bad I was at coping with my own traumas was a reality hard learned. I've lost so many friends from this negligence… But also? Lost more ‘friends’ when the free ride of using me as a doormat was over. That persons will try to punish you for setting boundaries. That it's your fault they can't cope with their own trauma a more healthy way.

That's fucking bullshit.

Everyone is exhausting. Dealing with yourself and your own traumas? Exhausting. But what came down as a more harsh reality, is that empathy for this doesn't exist in most people. That empathy itself, is something most will never achieve. I've always wondered why not very many want to understand why conflict actually exists, what two sides of an argument look like. What acknowledgement of miscommunication actually is. It's really sad. When things like purity policing, smear campaigning and becoming a flying monkey still exist? Nobody has actually grown out of bullying being a normal fucked up thing humans do to each other instead of communicating properly.

So it's come full circle– but I at least know why it's happening now. Strangers will find any excuse to push their own unchecked pain onto someone else, instead of resolving a core issue. There are people in this world who will never realize their pain will never be relieved from the unhealthy dismissal of responsibility for their own health and how they treat others.

Do I use the Internet to cure my loneliness still? Hell no. Does a vast majority still do? Yes. You can still meet genuine people through it, through community and play– but it's still your responsibility to make sure the way you cope with your own traumas doesn't become someone else's problem.

I no longer use my art to cure loneliness either– probably for the first time since I was very young. I'm unsure if I still want to put additional thoughts out in the open after being bullied off a platform– but I've always put them here. So this will probably be the last time I post them in the void.

I treasure everyone who's taken time to cure my loneliness for any brief moment of time, I still hold that close to my heart. I apologize for the pain miscommunication has caused between some of us, even if it's not my apology to give. So many met me while I was suffering and in a lot of pain… Your kindness gave me hope I'd find means to it's end. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to cope with my own traumas then.

I'm in a far better place now. I'm happy to exist along side people who genuinely love me. People who have proven communication can solve everything and not being afraid to be real and vulnerable. I am so very happy to be alive with them.

I have found value in myself, I've worked so very hard to understand my own traumas and shortcomings. Loving people in my life have taught me much better ways to cope. I'm still growing and learning, that will never stop.

Will I still share art online? Maybe. There's not a big desire to, nor will the urge to join communities ever surface again– generation gaps time and time again have proven so dangerous and disappointing. If I share art it's for the sake of sharing what gives me joy, there's no ulterior purpose anymore.

I would hope everyone will come this far and find healthy ways to cope and be happy, I know we all can do it if we believe we can.

[eaymtb]

It's been a while! I am not dead! I do have covid atm though! I'm finally not feeling like warmed over death today, which is nice. So, quick status update: Holy shit it's been a little over 6 weeks since I last actually posted an update about anything, and 7 weeks since the last chapter update. That's.... a lot longer than I realised. Whoops.

This depressive episode is kicking my ass a little, but I'm back on an SSRI now and in regular contact with my amazing doc while we fidget with the dose. Interestingly, I asked to test for either of the MTHFR gene variants since they can impact the body's ability to produce several neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine amongst them), and it turns out that I do have one of them! My levels of folate and B12 are all a-okay though, so it shouldn't be affecting anything, but it's still nice to know. And now I have a few more things to keep an eye on with my annual blood tests. We had a really interesting discussion about it, too, because she didn't actually know how only having one variant would affect things, and she was quite excited about the research she'd been reading up on before my appointment relating to the psychiatric effects of the gene and it's variants. Have I mentioned she's amazing?

Anyway, I caught covid at my last check up where we agreed to the first SSRI dose increase, which is mostly annoying because at the start of the month I was finally feeling well enough to actively try a new thing: Depression Tetris! And I came down with symptoms on the exact day (Friday 9th) that I had planned with a friend to go to a park and find somewhere to sit and do some writing, ha. They have a goal to go for a walk somewhere new that they haven't been at least once a month but they can't drive, while I can and I want to go out new places as both exposure therapy for the agoraphobia and change of environment for the depression, plus outside in fresh air and (hypothetical atm given the weather) sunshine. The universe really said sit your arse back down, though, lol.

I haven't really added any pieces for the past 5 days for obvious reasons, which I'm a little sad about, which is also actually a good sign, since I want to add more tetris pieces, which is also why I'm trying this method in the first place. I can't make myself want to do things in general, but I can make my brain crave shiny little coloured-in squares that I have to fit together in such a way that no two touching pieces are the same colour, which is hilarious. Brains, man.

Anyway, all that to say: I'm okay! Still in a depressive episode but working on it in a variety of ways and I'm incredibly lucky to have some really good supports. Hopefully I'll get back to writing soon. I have at least one little empty 1x1 square I have to fill in where nothing else will fit, after all.