#series: belladonna! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

builtbybrokenbells · 3 months ago

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belladonna | v

Too beautiful to resist, and too deadly to survive; the tragic tale of belladonna in all its glory.

Masterlist | Taglist

Pairing: Danny Wagner x f!reader

Word Count: 20k

Warnings: SMUT 18+, unprotected sex, oral (f!receiving), fingering (f!receiving), semi-public sex, exhibitionism, name calling, dom/sub, bratty sub, biting, nipple play, praise/degradation, mentions of toxic/abusive parents, mentions of/toxic relationships, mentions of criminal activity/criminal records, poverty, crying, mentions of homelessness, mentions of physical violence, mentions of blood, mentions of AA/NA, NA meetings, heavy descriptions of addictions, use of/mentions of drugs, mentions of relapsing, drinking, flirting, mentions of hookups/sex, smoking, depression/anxiety, mental health struggles, fluff, swearing, sorry if I miss any!!

I know this story isn’t the most popular, but I feel inclined to keep writing it because it is my main source of healing at the moment. It’s imperative for me to tell this story in hopes that it helps someone who struggles/has struggled the same ways I have. So, for the few of you who continue to stick with me through this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. As always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes! 🤍

May 31st, 2022

“Play that again!” You exclaimed, dropping your pen against your journal and pointing your finger at Danny, sitting across the porch from you with golden sunshine accentuating his already perfect features. Daniel and Sam both jumped in surprise at the suddenness of your actions, previously not hearing a word from you since you took post on an old blanket under the early summer sun.

“What, this?” He asked, picking a quick little tune on the bottom strings of his guitar. Your heart warmed at the sound, a smile blossoming on your lips as you gave an eager nod.

“Ventura Highway!” You sat up in your seat, leaning further into the music the two of them were playing.

“In the sunshine.” Sam smirked, nodding up at the sky as he motioned one arm vaguely around the three of you.

“The days are longer,” Danny joined in, biting back a giggle at the silliness of your conversation.

“And the nights are stronger,” Sam leaned into his friend, both of their eyes pointed at you as they awaited the strong finish.

“Than moonshine!” You laughed, listening as Danny played the quick sequence of notes again. “My brothers fell in love with this song when I was a little kid. I remember dancing around the living room with them when mom was gone, because nobody could get mad at us for making noise.” You laughed, reminiscing on the fondest of childhood memories that all seemed to happen when your parents were nowhere to be found. “It was on one of the old vinyl records we found in Grandpa’s attic, so we snuck it home and played it over and over again.”

“As much as Steely Dan?” Danny teased, recalling your fascination with them.

“Nothing was played as much as that, Daniel. Don’t be ridiculous.” You shook your head, relaxing into the fleece below you as the sun kissed your bare thighs. The air was warm, the lush grass on the lawn in front of the Airbnb was desperate to be cut, and the pollen was making your nose stuffy. It was crazy how different their yard was compared to the street you lived on despite it only being minutes away.

Now that the weather was nice, the three of you spent your days (when you weren’t stuck at the Fox) lounging outdoors and enjoying the summer before it passed you by. Every afternoon, Sam and Danny got lost in playing songs and writing down ideas while you scribbled in your journal or puttered away on your laptop (which was now on its very last leg). They were writing as much music as they could, harnessing the energy they came to New York to find all while encouraging you to do the same.

Nearly all of your days off were spent with them, aside from the few days you set aside to attend NA meetings. You were still keeping that part of your life a secret, unable to find enough courage to share it with them in fear it would scare them away. Thankfully, because of their company, your addictions were much less pressing than they had ever been, so keeping it to yourself had proven easier than expected as the days passed by.

The diner was the same, never changing in the near two years you spent there. Vincent was a mess, only worsening since your altercation a few weeks prior. Talking was off the table once again, and communication was limited to an occasional snide comment and a lingering glare. You were standing your ground, furious that he had the nerve to say such despicable things to you, and he was doing as he pleased, which was no different than usual. He was still convinced he was in the right, that you were the problem and you were responsible for the heartbreak shared between you, and you knew he would never see the other side. Instead of dwelling, you did exactly as you said you would, and since that night you had stayed as far away as possible.

Although it hurt, it was the right thing to do. After telling him you were done for the thousandth time, it finally seemed to stick.

You did question if it was because you finally reached a breaking point, or because of the curly haired boy who made it impossible to worry about anything other than him.

As time dragged on, it became harder and harder to resist the pull of your heartstrings when you heard his name or saw his face in your mind.

“Sing it, Utah.” Danny said, playing the small riff over again as Sam joined in on his own guitar.

“No way!” You exclaimed, shaking your head. Although you were passionate about art in any form, singing was not your forte, and you weren’t keen on embarrassing yourself in front of the only boy who could make you feel this good.

“Come on!” Sam encouraged, playing through the intro one more time to give you an opportunity to change your mind.

“Not a chance!” You laughed, standing your ground despite feeling pressured to do so.

“Together?” Danny offered, barely thinking about what he was doing as his fingers drifted over the fretboard. Your lips were stuck in a permanent smile, unable to feel anything other than happy while in their company. Eventually, you gave a roll of your eyes and a reluctant nod. “That’s my girl!” He exclaimed, playing the intro one last time before he led the three of you into the verse.

Nothing sounded bad when there was a promise of doing it together, and if he continued to refer to you as his, you would do anything he asked of you. Despite trying so hard to ignore the feelings constantly growing in your heart, you knew you were a goner—falling for him was the easiest thing you’d ever done, and it started long before he knew your name, the very minute you heard the echoing laugh and saw that breathtaking smile from the kitchen at the Fox.

June 6th, 2022

“That’s the abandoned school.” You pointed out the windshield, looking at Danny to ensure he noticed what you were referring to. The parking lot was crowded with overgrown trees and the building itself was hidden behind them. After years of no upkeep, the plot of land had grown wildly out of control. He slowed the car, peeking out the side window to get a better look at the scene. Then, without a word, he flipped on his signal light and pulled into the poorly maintained lot. “What are you doing?” You laughed.

“Exploring! Come on, Utah. Live a little!” He parked close to the brick building, looking over at you with a hopeful expression.

“There’s nothing to explore.” You explained, a lingering smile on your lips as you sipped away at the king can of Redbull in your hands. “Unless you find asbestos and debris fascinating.”

“There’s lots to explore—you just need to know where to look.” He said, ignoring your comment as he opened the car door and stepped outside. With a small sigh and a roll of your eyes, you stepped out to join him.

You walked around the car, grabbing his hand as you led him to the side of the building, knowing it was the only entrance that you could actually get through. The front and back doors were boarded up, but they forgot about the side entrance hidden by a few trees. What was once likely the service entrance for the maintenance crew and janitors, was now the only passage inside to admire the ruin of the place. Perhaps he was right; the charm had worn off for you because you’d seen the inside a hundred times, but to him, it was all brand new. You brushed off your lighthearted negativity at the realization, putting on a smile for him and making a promise to see it for the first time all over again, with him by your side.

Since meeting Danny, new beginnings and reimagined ideas had become the norm, and if you had to admit, it wasn’t the worst thing in the whole world. In fact, it almost felt freeing.

You pushed open the door with your shoulder, using force to unstick the bottom tread from the eroded metal frame. The stale air from inside hit you in the face, musty and still damp from the thaw of winter into summer. You propped the door open with a rock on the ground, remembering how difficult it was to get the door open from the inside.

“Watch your step, Michigan.” You warned, pulling your phone from your pocket and turning on a flashlight. The place didn’t get much natural light between the lack of windows and the ones existing being covered with plywood. The floor was sticky, damp with condensation and covered in dirt and unknown substances leaking from exposed pipes. You made sure to find a clear path before he stepped inside, not wanting him to trip and fall.

“Woah,” Danny breathed, his eyes scanning the short, barren hallway that was cluttered with garbage. “Spooky.” You giggled at his reaction as you stepped forward, kicking away a few sheets of cardboard to clear the way.

“Stay with me, lots of shit to trip on.” You informed him, keeping a straight path down the hallway. The doors at the end had been busted open a long time ago, likely by kids who were often unsupervised by their parents. The top hinge of one of the double doors had rusted through, leaving it constantly open and hanging on an angle.

You felt Danny’s hand on your waist, his touch comforting as you helped him navigate the unfamiliar territory. You passed by a long row of lockers, some of the doors open and some still padlocked shut. The building was in much worse shape than it was the last time you were inside, and by the sight of crumpled sleeping bags in the corner, it seemed as though some of the homeless population had taken shelter inside.

“So what’s the story?” He asked, keeping a close eye on where he was stepping to ensure he didn’t trip.

“Not much of a story.” You chuckled, peeking your head into an empty classroom that was illuminated by a few rays of sun. “From what I heard, the building was in terrible shape when they built it. It was supposed to be a temp school until they could build a bigger, better one. The development got pushed back and the city got lazy, so they ended up using this for a few decades. Eventually, when the foundation began to crumble, they decided to shut it down and follow through with the original plan.” You recounted the tale as it was told to you, leading him into the room to look around. “Now by the looks of it, it seems like tent city has moved indoors. They keep saying they’re going to tear it down, but they can never find enough money in the budget, so people have been putting it to use.”

“Why would they tear it down if people are sleeping in it?” He asked, sympathetic to the situation but unfamiliar with the general outlook on homelessness.

You paused at his gentle ignorance, the statement forcing you to remember the differences between the two of you. He didn’t understand it like you did because he never had to witness it—and never had to live it. Instead of chastising him for his lack of awareness or responding with harshness, you thought it best to educate. It was the only way to truly make a difference.

“Right?” You gave a dry chuckle, your eyes scanning over the faded posters and art projects still hanging on the wall. “I wrote a letter to the city when they started pushing for the demo. I got signatures and everything, asking if they would reconsider their decision and transform it into a shelter for the unhoused population. Pretty sure they threw it in the trash and spit on it for good measure.” You tried to hide the scowl, but your distaste for the situation ran so deep that it nearly sickened you.

“You didn’t hear anything back?” He was shocked, almost making you laugh at his naïveté.

“I did,” you nodded, inspecting the bulletin board with torn pages still tacked to the cork. “But it was no more than a commendation for my effort and a slap in the face. They said that in lieu of the growing drug problem, they couldn’t possibly allow for such a system to be in place in an already struggling community.” You scoffed. “Like the drug problem hasn’t been this prevalent since the eighties. Like the problem doesn’t begin with poverty and homelessness, and mental health. Instead of addressing the root causes, they try and cover it up and pretend it’s not happening. They don’t care—they don’t want to help. They hope nobody speaks up against their ridiculous views and they silence them when they do.”

Silence hung thick between you for a moment longer than you liked, making you realize what kind of position you’d just thrown yourself in.

“You’re very passionate about this.” He noted, looking from the art on the walls to your stony face. You tried your best to sort your thoughts, to let him in just enough that he didn’t ask any questions but not enough for him to think too hard about it.

“I am.” You agreed, nodding slowly. “It’s hard not to be when it’s in my front yard and I see it every day. It’s hard not to be when I’m stuck in the same shitstorm as they are, praying to make it through tomorrow. I’m lucky enough to have a roof over my head, but just barely. I know that one off paycheck could have me out on the streets, too. They’re people, human beings with no house, no food to eat, no water to bathe or drink. I never understood how people could be so cruel, like the people living on the streets are less than human and don’t deserve a lick of kindness.” You worded your rant carefully, trying not to expose too much of yourself.

“I know addiction. My mother was the highest functioning alcoholic I’ve ever met, and my dad was a deadbeat who always chose getting high over his children. I left home to get away from it, and I ran so far I ended up behind it, staring at it from a different direction. Vin and Dylan are my best friends, but they’re barely 20 and their lives are ruined because of it. If they don’t change soon, they’ll spend the rest of their lives this way. I try to detach from it, to tell myself I’m fighting a losing battle, but I can’t. I can’t sit by and watch, knowing how close to home all of the issues are. I can’t stop talking about it, because I’m one of the only people who does. If I stop, maybe the rest of them will, too, and then nobody is advocating for the people who are hurting.”

He was learning things about you he started to believe you would never share, finding the soft spot for you growing tenfold as he listened to your words. He knew you were complex, closed off and focused on staying that way, but he was desperate to know you, the real you rather than the bright and shiny version you showed the world. He wanted to ask, to dive deeper, but he let you say whatever you pleased, promising himself to always listen to you. From what he gathered, it seemed like nobody ever had, and he would die happy if the last thing he heard was the sound of your voice.

“I’ll fight for it for the rest of my life, even if I die and never see change, because that’s who I am. I’ll fight for free healthcare, for affordable housing and accessible mental health facilities. I’ll fight for the food banks, for NA and AA programs, for improved social assistance, and for the justice system to take a step back from things it has no business controlling. We’re criminalizing and dehumanizing people who need help, people who turned to the streets and drugs because the world failed them. Not every addict is good, but they’re all certainly not all bad, and not every homeless person is an addict at all. There’s a family of four who lives in the alleyway next to my house, because they lost their house in a fire and didn’t have insurance, so they couldn’t afford to buy a new one, and subsidized housing fucked them over so bad they missed out on low income rentals. To overcome the problem, we have to fix it at the very root of the issue, not slap a bandaid on it and call it a day.” You paused, feeling your chest burn with indignity over the way people just like yourself have been treated.

He was stunned, speechless as he processed your words. Slowly, his hand raised to your back, a silent show of support over a topic he had never been well versed in.

He didn’t have to speak; in that moment, he had done more than you ever expected of him.

He listened, and he supported, without judgement and without questions, even if he didn’t know anything about your passion projects or why you were so passionate about them in the first place.

“I’m proud of you, Utah.” His words hit you hard, nearly causing you to double over in agony as the feeling of being appreciated ravaged you. You worked so hard, did so much and tried to put out so much good in the world to right the wrongs you did when you were a lesser version of yourself, and most of the time you received no encouragement or any kind of acknowledgment from the people around you.

Something he likely grew up hearing was a foreign language to you, something you were only lucky to hear a few times in your lifetime. He had no idea how good it felt to hear it, no idea how much it meant to you.

Maybe letting him in wasn’t so terrible after all. Maybe you had him misconstrued, and he cared enough to love you despite your struggle. Maybe for once, you had finally found someone more willing to give rather than take.

It was too soon to tell, but you were beginning to believe that Daniel was unlike anyone else in the entire world, that not only did he serve as a muse and a hero in your miserable story, but he was one who was committed to staying, rather than getting your hopes up only to leave you behind.

You couldn’t be certain, but you were eager to see if he truly was everything you hoped he could be.

June 14th, 2022- 6:57 PM

“Get in, Utah!” Danny exclaimed, splashing a handful of water in your direction.

“It’s cold.” You reiterated the same point over again, your toes barely touching the ripples of waves crashing against the shore. “It’s too early to swim.” It wasn’t too early to swim; in fact, the weather was fantastic, and you were just being stubborn after laying in the sun all afternoon.

The two of you woke up early with big plans; a road trip to New Jersey to spend the day at Long Beach, and he had booked the two of you a hotel for the night upon learning you had never actually stayed in one. The drive was fun, and the laughs were plentiful. You had never had so many good days in a row, but this was proving to be the longest streak in your entire life, all thanks to him. Sam was overjoyed at the idea of a night alone, to which neither of you inquired about, so you had the entire day and afternoon of the next day to yourselves, reveling in the joy of seclusion together.

You packed the car and set off, fingers intertwined together and your phone playing music over his speakers. The drive went by in a flash, leaving you in the lot of the (exuberantly) fancy hotel long before midday. You deposited your bags in your room, leaving them atop the king bed as you changed into your bikini and Danny lathered sunscreen over your shoulders. You grabbed lunch at the restaurant attached to the lobby of the hotel, checked out a few stores nearby, then made your way back to the car.

The beach was much less busy than you anticipated, giving you top choice at the best spots. You settled blankets a few feet away from the water, spending most of the afternoon laying between Danny’s legs as you flip-flopped between scribbling in your journal and getting lost in conversation. Eventually, when the sun began to sink in the sky and the population on the beach thinned down to you and a few other groups, Danny decided he was ready to get in the water, which you had been trying to avoid all day.

Though, you’d come to learn that you had an incredibly hard time saying no to him, and in this instance, the fact remained true.

“Never too early to swim, baby.” Danny brushed you off, ignoring your protests completely. “We drove for an hour to get here, you have to get in the water.”

“I’m getting there!” You snipped, feeling the frigid water reach your feet and fighting every urge to recoil. “You just have to give me a minute!”

“I’ve given you plenty of minutes.” He said, taking two large strides towards you. “All day, actually.” You stepped backwards, quickly getting away from him as you recognized the devilish smile on his face.

“Do not.” You warned, pointing your finger at him to stop him in his tracks. “Daniel!” You shouted, narrowly escaping him as he reached out to grab you.

“Utah, I’ve been waiting all day! Come here!” He bounded forward again, water splashing on your sun kissed legs and sending a shiver down your spine.

The softness in his face as he pleaded with you tugged on your heartstrings just enough to make you cave, and with a sign of defeat you relaxed from your rigid form. Not long after, he was in front of you, water dripping from his tanned skin as his curls stuck to his shoulders. The golden glow of the sun complementing his already breathtaking face nearly made you weak in the knees.

“Have you not learned to trust me yet?” He raised an eyebrow, refraining from touching you so you would come to him on your own accord.

“I do trust you.” You broke, the corners of your lips turning upwards as you looked over his face. He was intoxicating, so much so that it was impossible to think of anything other than him when he was near. Your mind was hazy, your vision blurring the background as you admired him, and you wondered how the hell you ever got so lucky to have him in your life.

“So you know I’m not lying.” He continued, stepping a little closer. Despite having just swam in the water, his cologne still stuck to his skin, mixing with the summery smell of sunscreen he reapplied not long ago.

He was fucking delicious, and he was making your stomach do somersaults without even trying.

“It’s not that cold—once you get in, it’s actually kinda nice. Promise, Utah.” He said, his hands reaching forward and pulling you into him by your hips. Although his skin was cold, it was offset by the fire burning in your belly that always ignited when he touched you.

“If you say so…” you whispered, hesitancy clear in your tone.

“I do.” You were close enough to him that your chest was pressed against him, ensuring he could feel your rapid heartbeat as you gazed up at him. Somehow, even after the weeks of spending every day with him, the giddiness never seemed to wear off. You were always excited to be with him, everything he did was electrifying and wonderful, making it impossible not to fall in—

No.

Love, although tempting, was not in the cards for the two of you.

“You know what’s even better than swimming?” You asked, a quick distraction to make him stop talking about it.

“Hmm?” He asked, his eyebrows knitted together so delicately you barely noticed it. He was watching you carefully, not willing to miss a single detail of the moment with you.

Instead of verbally responding, you leaned forward, a hand on his bicep and the other on the back of his neck as you pulled him down to meet you. Your lips landed on his, the saltiness of the water still lingering on his skin, making your heart race even faster. For a moment, the world seemed perfectly right, calm and peaceful, like nothing in the universe could ever hurt you again. Sometimes, when the world quieted down like this and you let yourself truly feel the beauty of being in his arms, his company made up for every bad thing that ever happened before.

“Yeah, this is better than swimming.” He conceded, his voice low and husky as he processed the surplus of emotions coursing through him. “Do it again though, just to make sure.”

“Of course.” You giggled, your eyes twinkling as you pulled him in for another kiss. Ever so gently, you felt his teeth graze your bottom lip, pulling it between them and applying a slight pressure. You melted into his touch, the pit of your stomach ablaze with desire for him.

When he pulled away, he let his forehead rest on your own as he swallowed back the urge to take it any further. Your nose brushed against his, a droplet of water running from his face on to your own. Carefully, you reached up and swiped it away, seeming to remind him of where you were and what you were doing.

“Swim with me, just for ten minutes. Then, we can go back to the hotel.” He bargained, knowing he would crack if you even suggested going back to the hotel straight away.

“Fine,” you huffed, giving in far too easily when he smiled at you. “But I want to take your picture first. You look really pretty right now.”

“P-pretty?” He stuttered, his cheeks turning red as soon as the word slipped off your tongue. You let your thumb drift over his still-wet skin, giving a slight nod and a soft smile.

“Very.”

With that, you turned and walked back to your blankets a few feet away. You rummaged around in your bag and found the disposable camera Sam had graciously donated to you a few weeks prior. He told you that it was imperative that you caught the memories on film, to which you had no argument.

You and Sam had formed an unusual friendship during your elongated (and free) stay at their Airbnb. Sometimes, in the early morning while Daniel was still deep in sleep, you found yourselves conversing in the kitchen over nothing and everything all at once. He was unlike anyone you had ever met before, a slight pretentious air surrounding him but never concerning anything that truly mattered. Below the surface he was a sweetheart, surely the nicest and kindest soul you had ever had the pleasure of knowing, and for no other reason than to simply be kind. He was funny, albeit a bit loud, and so genuine and accepting that it made your head spin sometimes. You showed certain parts of your soul to him that not even Daniel could reach, solely because he had a way of prying it from you without you even realizing it.

He was yours and Daniel’s biggest fan, and he wasn't shy to show it. In fact, it appeared like he was more invested in the label on your relationship than you were. He didn’t mind you imposing on the slightest, and even took it upon himself to invite you into their lives in many different ways, whether it be advice on a lyric or encouragement to visit them in Nashville.

He was the most unexpected ally of the entire, odd situation you’d found yourself in, but you were so grateful for his presence that it didn’t seem to matter.

You snapped a few photos of Daniel, taking a moment to admire his features as the sun continued to sink lower in the sky. Without a second thought, you tossed the camera back in your bag and sent him one, challenging glance.

“Last one in pays for dinner!” You shouted, catching him off guard as you took off in a sprint. Before he’d even registered what you said, you were nearing the water, and even once he did, he only started a slow jog.

You were racing because there was no way you could afford dinner, and he let you win because there was no way he’d ever make you pay to begin with.

𓇢𓆸

June 14th, 2022 - 8:38 PM

Freshly showered and wearing a sundress you had no idea you owned, you walked hand in hand out of the restaurant and bar branching from the lobby of the hotel. You were slightly tipsy, the pitcher of sangria you shared with Daniel taking more of a toll than you realized while sitting down. Your cheeks were blushed, your smile seemingly permanent as he led you to the elevator nearby. You watched as a group of people filtered out, dispersing in different directions without as much as a second glance at the two of you. Danny whisked you inside, quickly pressing the button for the top floor as you waited to see if anyone else would be joining you for the ride.

Eventually, the doors slid shut, locking the two of you in there by yourselves. You turned to him, your eyes heavy as your gaze scanned him as a whole, scarily similar to a predator and its prey. He was wearing a simple white button down and fitted black jeans. He had chosen a new cologne for dinner, one you’d never noticed him wear before. It was musky, strong hints of sage and cedar, and it was driving you wild.

“Thank you for dinner.” You whispered, your voice thick with emotion as he caught your eye.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything.” He assured you, sliding a hand to your hip as he pulled you closer. You couldn’t help but notice the gravitational pull towards him, like the universe was pushing you straight into his arms and giving you no other choice. You settled comfortably in the nook of his arm, your chest pressed against him as his hand grew dangerously close to your ass.

You could see it in his eyes, too. The alcohol had taken a quick effect after a day spent in the sun, leaving him a bit more courageous than he usually was. His head was turned down, watching your face as you stared up at him. It was in that moment, the slightly inebriated and overtired man realized the truth of the situation; he was absolutely smitten, head over heels for you and for far more than what you had to offer behind closed doors. Weeks of constant company and endless memories had left him feeling exhausted in the best possible way, and worse than that, teetering on the edge of the emotion you had both been trying to ignore.

You couldn’t chastise him, because the liquor had you pondering all of the same ideas.

“You sure about that?” You asked, raising your hand to his chest and gently running your fingers over the soft material of his shirt. The light touch, even through the fabric, sent a shiver down his spine. “There’s nothing I can do to thank you?” Your hand trailed down his chest, tickling over his abdomen and finally stopping just above the buckle of his belt. He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, swallowing hard as he watched desire begin to cloud your eyes.

“Well, when you put it that way…” he trailed off, the hum of his voice rattling his chest and in turn, your own. Feeling confident, you dropped your hand a little lower, your fingertip grazing over the metal teeth of the zipper on his jeans. You could see the muscles in his jaw tense, and you could feel his hardening length already. Your actions were not helping his situation, but they were definitely helping your situation.

You gave him a little smirk, pushing your luck a little further, but all it seemed to do was push him over the edge. His free hand came up to cup your cheek, giving you little time to react before he was leaning forward and capturing you in a kiss. Your stomach twisted with need, the ache between your legs growing tenfold as his tongue grazed your bottom lip. He tasted sweet, fruity just like the drink you finished off moments before, and it was driving you mad.

Although the entire day was filled with fun, wholesome memories you would cherish for the rest of your life, you’d been waiting for this.

With little shame, he guided your hips into his own, giving him little to no relief and only crazing him more. You raised your hands to his neck, your fingers tangling in the hair that laid over his shoulders as you held him closer to you.

If you had it your way, you’d let him have his way with you right then and there.

Just as you let a moan slip into his mouth, the elevator came to a halt and a sharp ding sent the two of you away from each other. You turned your head, looking at the floor number as you realized it was not your stop. When the doors swung open, Danny grabbed you by the hips and positioned you in front of him, just in enough time to remain concealed as another hotel guest stepped inside.

Your heart raced, beating against your ribcage with a fervor as you leaned back into him. Your ass met perfectly with his hips, and his cock strained against his jeans only made you resent the poor man who was just looking to catch the elevator.

Thankfully, his stop was before yours, and he saw himself out almost as soon as he stepped inside. When the two of you were alone again, it didn’t take long for Daniel’s hands to go wandering. He reached around you a little further, his fingertips resting on your stomach as he slowly slid his hand upwards until it landed just below your chest.

“You think we could get away with fucking in the elevator?” Clearly, he was on the same train of thought as you were, spiraling further as you pushed your hips backwards on him.

“Probably not, considering we almost got caught already.” You giggled, feeling his hand cup around your braless breast, only the thin material of your dress separating you from him.

“Worth a shot though, right?” You could hear the smile in his tone, wondering how he made it so easy to feel so carefree. You felt like a horny teenager, excited at the prospect of living for the first time and unbothered by any consequences. He brushed your hair to one shoulder, leaning down and pressing his lips to your neck. At the same time, his thumb traced over your hardened nipple, both sensations working together to turn you into a mess.

“You can wait the three extra minutes it takes to get to our room.” You said, your words breathy as his tongue traced over a sensitive area of skin. Your eyes fluttered closed and your stomach twisted in a knot, making you wonder if you could wait the three extra minutes.

“Normally, yes.” He agreed, humming the words against your burning skin, slick with his saliva. You tried not to think too hard about it in fear of losing all self control. “But not when you look this fucking good. Not when you act like this.” He said, noticing the movement of your hips just like you hoped he would. You could feel his heart thrumming in his chest, making the display all the more intimate as he held you close to him.

“Can’t take a little heat, Daniel?” You tried to chastise him for it, but the whine that followed your statement made you look like a fool.

“If I remember correctly, you started this, not me.” He reminded you, pulling the top of your dress down to expose your chest. The chill of the AC was a shock, but he didn’t take long warming you back up with his hand. The feeling of his skin on yours was even more euphoric, only worsening as he began rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger. “Seems like you want to get yourself in trouble.”

“Daniel, we can wait. Seriously.” You tried again, but it was no use, you were too far gone and he wasn’t open to discussing the matter any further.

“Where’s the fun in that, Utah?” He teased, his fist already beginning to bunch up the fabric of your knee length dress. “Wonder if that stop button will sound an alarm…” he trailed off, his eyes settled on the bright red button, devious thoughts filling his mind.

“Yes, probably.” You rolled your eyes, unable to believe he was truly considering the possibility.

“Only one way to find out.” He shrugged, dropping his hand from you and sliding out from behind you. You grabbed his forearm, stopping him before he could move any further away, a look of warning in your eyes as he grinned at you.

“Where’s your sense of adventure, baby?” There was a condescending tone in his voice, but you knew he didn’t truly mean it. Still, it irked you beyond belief as you dropped your hold on his arm.

If he wanted to take the chance, he could take the responsibility if you got in trouble.

Even if his cocky attitude was getting on your nerves, you couldn’t deny the wetness pooling between your legs from his actions. Besides, you were in a town where you knew nobody and would likely never return to. The thrill the idea gave you was enough to pique your interest, and as his finger settled over the stop button, you no longer felt any need to argue with him.

The wine definitely wasn’t helping your poor judgment, but you figured however it went, you could deal with the consequences later.

Right now, the only thing you cared about was getting his hands on you again, and the walk to your room seemed far too long to endure while needing it so intensely.

The two of you held your breath as he applied pressure to the button, your eyes locked with his as you prepared for the shrill sound of an alarm. You felt the elevator come to a stop, making you lose your balance ever so slightly. Gripping on to the rail tighter, your stomach twisted with anxiety. After a few seconds passed and silence remained, you both let out an audible breath of relief.

Without any further thought, you sprung forward and wrapped your arms around his neck. His hands found your hips, pulling you closer as you pressed your lips to his. This time, you had no fear of interruption and your hands grabbed the collar of his shirt, so far gone you were tempted to tear it straight from his body.

“Better be quick if you don’t want to get caught.” You breathed, squeezing your eyes shut as his lips attached to your neck. He sucked a mark into the skin below your ear, his large hands sliding backwards as his palms cupped your ass. You felt a whine slip through your lips, nearly embarrassed about how desperate you were for him and how easy it was for him to get you there.

“That’s up to you, baby.” He corrected, his fingers gathering the soft cotton of your dress as he pulled it upwards. The chill of the air on your legs only furthered the ache between your legs, reminding you of how risky the situation was. Although you had always been rebellious and impulsive, this side of you did not exist until you met him. “If you’re good, we’ll be back in our room in no time.”

He pulled your dress up over your hips, his fingers dusting over the smooth skin of your thighs. He trailed them upwards, ready to taunt you with a snap of the elastic band of your underwear, but seemed to freeze in place for a moment. On your hip, where it usually sat, was bare and telling of the mischief you were hoping to cause.

“Fuck, babe.” He hummed, looking down at your face through his dark lashes.

“You like it?” You flashed a sickly sweet smile, using one hand to hold up the skirt for him. His hand moved between your legs, his middle finger wasting no time running through your folds and gathering your arousal. He trailed it up to your clit, tracing slow circles into the already sensitive bundle of nerves. Your legs quivered as you felt a pull of pleasure deep in your stomach. “Did it just for you.” You forced through your teeth, already lost in the sensation and trying your best to keep your composure.

“You shouldn’t have.” He smirked, noticing your eyebrows furrowed together as he applied more pressure. “You’re too good to me.”

“I can be nice sometimes.” You sucked in a sharp breath, all of the tension that had been building all day finally having an outlet.

Watching him, shirtless on the beach was almost too much to handle, but you persevered until dinner, where he only seemed to want to torture you more. He dressed up, an expensive looking watch on his wrist and a shiny gold chain around his neck. The ring on his middle finger drew attention to his already captivating hands, making it hard to ignore the picture in your mind of his fingers closing around your neck.

The wine had clouded your mind, leaving you lightheaded and making your normal anxieties flee you completely. The entire evening spent in the restaurant left your fingers intertwined with his, or on his knee below the table, gently tickling his jean-clad thighs. Even your legs were intertwined, and you seemed to gravitate closer to him the more that time passed.

Silently, you’d been begging him to take you back to your room all night, and now you couldn’t handle another minute without him.

“Since you were so nice, I suppose it would only be right if I was, too.” He bargained, his nose brushing over your shoulder as his tongue grazed your collarbone. Your skin was littered with goosebumps, your head swirling with thoughts pertaining only to him.

“God, you make it sound like a chore.” You snipped, feeling his teeth gently close over the flesh of your shoulder.

“Not a chore, no.” He muttered a disagreement, his middle finger still keeping a steady pace on your clit. “I enjoy it quite a lot, actually.” At that, a nervous flutter erupted in your belly, making your cheeks burn red and your heart beat a little faster. It was difficult to comprehend anyone being kind to you, but kindness from him was even better than anyone else’s. You couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that he wanted to be with you, to be around you—he wanted you, and you had no idea why.

Even if you didn’t understand it, you certainly weren’t protesting it.

“Here, baby.” He nudged you back towards the wall, closing in on you until your back pressed against the cool surface. Without any further hesitation, he dropped to his knees before you, wasting little time as he guided your leg over his shoulder.

“Oh, fuck!” You gasped, feeling the warmth of his mouth connect with your aching core. Your posture slipped slightly, your entire body melting into the feeling as his tongue swirled around your clit. You felt him smile against you, floored by the immediate reaction and eager to keep up the momentum.

Your hips bucked forward against his tongue, the friction gentle enough so not to overwhelm you right away, but just enough to give you the relief you were searching for. A high pitched moan filled the tiny space, echoing off the metal panel walls and contained behind the heavy doors. For a moment, you forgot where you were and what you were doing, focused solely on feeling one with him.

There was something so profound about the two of you that it made your head ache and your bones heavy. You wondered why it took so long to find him, and more importantly, why it couldn’t last forever.

The knowledge that he would be leaving haunted you, infiltrating every dream and waking thought, consuming you every second of the day. After twenty three long years of misery, you were finally comfortable, and more than that, happy. It felt like two decades spent wandering aimlessly finally landed you in the right spots, that the mistakes you made didn’t matter and the scars you collected could fade rather than stay red and angry forever.

However, you knew that the peacefulness that came with his company was bound to end no matter if he packed up and left or stayed in New York forever, for he did not know the truth about the woman he was falling for. In fact, he hardly knew anything at all.

You wanted to let him in, to show him the jagged edges and daunting faces of all the monsters in your closet, but you were afraid. Being bright and shiny was difficult, and pretending things were perfect was hard, but showing him your innermost struggles was even worse. You had given him pieces of you that you never intended to hand out, and even if he handled them with care and caution, you worried he might not do the same if he knew everything.

You were privy to the fact that your past was hard to digest, mostly because you still struggled to swallow it down. You longed to bare your soul to him, to give him all of you, mostly because you had never done it with anyone else. It was hard to carry it around on your lonesome, and sorrowful to constantly feel so isolated. You wanted to share it with him not because you needed help with the weight of it, but because he was the only person you could trust with it.

Still, you feared it would send him running, and cutting your time shorter than it already was seemed agonizing.

But you could let him in a little, right? Show him some things, but not enough to reveal yourself too much?

The thought was tempting, and the more days that passed, the more comfortable you felt about doing so. You just wished that he would continue to be around, to be in your life even when he was far away and living a completely different lifestyle. The thought of telling him such things and then returning to strangers made you sick, which ultimately forced your hand in the matter, locking up all of the things you came a little too close to sharing.

After all, you were friends. No more, no less.

Very close friends—closer than anyone who ever came before him.

Friends who fucked. A lot.

And friends who slept on hotel beds with rose petals and shared bottles of champagne. Friends who drank a little too much wine at dinner and let the sparkle in their eyes shine, showing more emotion than they should for the label they put upon themselves.

God, what a mess.

A beautiful, intricate, life changing mess.

Your hands tangled in his curls, the softness of his hair on your skin comforting as pleasure twisted your stomach. You wanted it so bad your limbs were aching, locked and trembling as he continued to use his tongue to push you closer to the edge. You were shamelessly riding his face, your hips moving with no intent to slow. The pleasure took precedence over shame, and the feeling he was giving you was too strong to resist.

You needed an orgasm, so badly that you managed to push all other thoughts out of your mind, which was something you had never been good at. Perhaps the idea of people waiting for the elevator, wondering what was taking so long and almost willing to report the issue at the front desk, was forcing you to remain focused.

Either that, or how good he was making you feel quickly outshined any other worldly trouble you could think of.

“Come on baby,” Danny pleaded, pulling away just enough to talk you through it. He let his thumb take the place of his tongue, not daring to slow down the momentum as he looked up at you through locks of his hair. Your expression was telling of all that you were feeling; your eyebrows knitted together and your lips parted as whiny moans filled the air. Your cheeks were flushed and your eyes were clouded with lust. “Being so good for me. Don't make me wait any longer.” He caught your eye, the glisten of your arousal on his chin making the knot in your belly tighten even further.

You were a mess for him, and he was keen on keeping it that way.

He returned his mouth to you, the warm wetness of his tongue a million times more enjoyable than the rough pad of his thumb (though, you’d never been picky, especially when it came to him). He let out a hum, pleased just from the taste of you on his lips. You watched his face, delirious from the sight of his beauty as you wondered how you got so lucky.

You didn’t have to wonder for long, because the knot in your belly snapped under the tension, leaving your legs weak and your mind blank as you descended into your climax. Your fingers tightened around the locks of his hair, your body slack as you tried to push your weight against the wall to keep you upright. He had a hand on your hip, his fingers bruising the skin as he used his strength to help you, never wanting you to fear falling so long as he was by your side.

His name slipped past your lips, sung like a hymn and washing down over him like summer rain. Never in all of his years on earth had it ever sounded so beautiful. He wished you could scream it from rooftops, speak it until your lips turned blue and your lungs deflated from a lack of air. He never wanted you to stop saying his name, no matter if it was selfish of him to think so.

He worked you through the high, attentive until the very last second. Your legs relaxed, still wobbly as the height of the pleasure passed you by. Your heart pounded against your ribs as you sucked in a long breath, regaining some of your senses as he parted from you. Your mind was still hazy as he moved your leg from his shoulder, standing slowly as he kept a firm hand on your hip.

With little help from you, he spun you around and pulled your hips backwards ever so slightly. Tired and still fighting the effects from the wine and the lingering orgasm, you pressed your cheek against the cool metal panelling and let the temperature sooth your burning skin. You heard the metallic clang of his belt buckle as he freed himself from his pants, a whole new rush of emotion flooding you just at the thought of what was to come next.

You wiggled your hips back towards him a little further, silently showing him you were eager for him to continue. His hand ghosted over your ass, a long inhale sounding from him as he admired the scene before him. You swallowed your insecurities, knowing that he viewed you much differently than you saw yourself, but still self-conscious as you felt his eyes rake over you.

“Fuck me, please.” You whispered, a slight quiver in your voice as you tried to draw his attention elsewhere. “Please, baby.” You continued, hoping he could feel how badly you needed him from your words alone.

“Since you asked so nicely.” He crooned, his voice low and gravelly as he lined himself up with your entrance. The action sent your body into overdrive, feeling yourself clench around nothing as you anticipated the feeling of him being inside you.

He pushed his hips forward, letting out a hiss of pleasure at the feeling of you wrapped around him. The stretch was slightly painful, but you couldn’t help but focus on how perfect it felt, like the two of you were made for each other.

“God, you feel so fucking good, Y/N.” Danny’s posture faltered slightly, his top half leaning forward into you as he gave in to the pleasure for a moment.

“S’all for you, Danny.” You promised. Although there was a lack of labels on the two of you, there was no doubt that you were one-hundred percent his, and he was yours. The fact alone was freeing, liberating you from your torturous mind and for once, giving you a breath of hope that the next fifty years did not have to be the same as the previous twenty.

The thought twisted your stomach, forcing a plethora of other things to swarm your mind. For the first time in your life, you could see seventy, and not in some miserable, shrouded state of you hunched over in a rocking chair, still angry about the choices you made as a teen. You pictured seventy with aching lungs from laughing and crows feet by your eyes from smiling so much, grandkids around and begging you to tell stories of how you met their grandfather.

The grandfather in question was not some random old man who you would encounter years from now, but the very same man who stood behind you now, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Seventy did not seem uncertain and unappealing—for the briefest of moments, you felt a shred of joy at the thought. Excitement, even.

Troubles would come to pass, but never destroy you as they had in the past, because you believed with Daniel by your side, you could conquer every bad thing and kick any lingering habits.

But he was leaving, and you were friends.

He would not be by your side when you had gray hair and wrinkles. He would not shout loudly over a blaring television to catch your attention because the years had greatly depleted your hearing. He would not share wisdom and stories with your grandchildren, because he would not even be here when the year came to an end. A few months from now, he would be packed and ready to head to Nashville, ready to make an even bigger name for himself without you to hold him back or tie him down.

In three months, you would not even be a passing thought in his mind. You would be nothing, equated to a summer fling that served just enough purpose to keep him company and ensure he was not bored.

If you were just friends, a fling with no strings attached, why the hell did it hurt so bad?

“Where’d you go, bug?” Danny’s hips slowed, concern thick in his voice as he reached up and brushed the hair from your face. With worried eyes, you looked back at him over your shoulder, your stomach twisted with sadness as the warm brown of his irises seemed to stare straight into your soul.

“I’m okay,” you breathed, blinking hard as you tried to bring yourself back to earth. The ache in your chest was still very much alive, but seeing his face made it ease indefinitely. “Just feels so good.” You weren’t lying, because it did feel good. You were just withholding the truth about your mental absence, which to you was much different.

“You sure?” He asked, not fully believing you and always hyper-aware of your comfortability.

“Promise, baby.” You gave him a soft smile, leaning a little further back and pressing a kiss to his lips. At the feeling, his hips pushed forward automatically, showing you how little it took to drive him crazy.

Maybe he felt it, too.

You pushed the thought from your head, knowing it would serve no purpose to feed into a delusion. Instead, you let yourself live in the moment, just the same as you had been since the day you met him. When he began a steady pace with his hips again, it was much easier to let go and move on from the sick feeling in your stomach.

“Ah, fuck.” You whined, letting your forehead rest against your forearm. “Better hurry up, honey. Wouldn’t want to get caught.”

“Let someone catch us.” He hummed, gathering your curled hair in his hand and wrapping it around his closed fist. He pulled your head backwards, his lips settling just over your ear as he added more force to his thrusts. “One look at you and they’d know why I couldn’t wait any longer.” At the sound of his words, your eyes squeezed shut and your walls fluttered around him, pulling him in even further. “That’s it, baby. Just like that.” He smiled, pressing a kiss to the side of your neck and you rocked your hips backwards into him, desperate for more than he could give.

There was something about him, so intoxicating and alluring that it made all of the fear go away. Your normal apprehension, your new found need to think twice, all seemed to disappear as soon as you were near him. It was almost as if nothing else mattered so long as he was beside you, because the only thing that made any sense was being in his company. With him by your side, you felt like you could do anything.

“God, you’re so tight.” He hissed through his teeth, also seemingly lost in the euphoria of being inside of you. He didn’t care if he got in trouble, because every second spent with you was worth any kind of risk. “Feel so fucking good like this. Does it feel good, baby? Want to hear how good it feels.”

“Feels good.” You reiterated his point, a strangled cry leaving your lips as you felt him brush against the sensitive spot he knew so well. “Could stay like this with you forever.” You confessed, your moans growing louder and more intense as he continued at the same pace.

“Think I like the sound of that.” He chuckled, reaching one hand around your hips and settling his middle finger over your clit. “My beautiful girl, just like this, forever.” He crooned, reiterating your point as he began to trace slow circles into the sensitive area. Your legs trembled under the weight of your body, both sensations sending your body into overdrive and making it difficult to stay upright.

“Danny,” you warned, your voice weak as euphoria began to creep in on you. The tingle began in the very tips of your toes and fingers, quickly snaking up your limbs and wrapping around your torso. You felt light, the pleasure pulsing under your skin and behind your eyes. You tried your best to resist it, but you knew it was no use.

“Cum for me, baby.” He encouraged you, just as far gone and ready for a release.

It didn’t take much convincing—with one last thrust of his hips, you were pushed over the edge and were sent spiraling once again. His name fell from your lips amidst a slur of curses and raspy cries. He raised one hand to your mouth, clamping it over your lips to silence the sounds begging to escape. As much as he would have liked to listen and commit all of them to memory, he knew it was best not to draw any more attention to your current situation.

Before you came down from the high, he was reaching his climax too. You rode out the last of the pleasure as he spilled his release inside of you. He leaned forward, his chest flush against your back as he let out a long breath, the tail end of it resembling more of a whine. You felt yourself clench around him, the sound producing a whole new immortal desire within you. Before you let it get any further, you shook the thought from your head and returned back to reality.

Danny’s arms snaked around you, squeezing around your torso as he held you close. He wasn’t ready to part ways, to end the moment that left him so blissful and calm. You relaxed into his touch, figuring another minute wouldn’t hurt anything. Eventually, he placed a kiss to your shoulder blade, his nose brushing against your skin and sending butterflies erupting in your stomach and chest. Carefully he withdrew himself, taking a step back as he let your dress fall back to your knees. You straightened up, your cheeks turning crimson as you squeezed your thighs together. The lack of underwear seemed like a cheeky choice at the time, but now it was biting you in the ass. With a knowing smirk on his lips, he buckled his belt and adjusted himself in his pants, then reached forward and pressed the emergency stop button. Within seconds, the elevator began to ascend to the top floor as if nothing happened at all.

“Better hurry back to the room, Utah. Wouldn’t want to make a mess.”

𓇢𓆸

June 14th, 2022 - 11:43 PM

Tired and no longer tipsy (but a bit stoned from the joint Danny provided), you were curled up under the comforter on the king bed. The television was playing reruns of a sitcom in the background, but neither of you were paying attention to the corny jokes and cheesy laugh tracks. Instead, your legs were tangled delicately with Danny’s as you laid on your side, your head resting comfortably on the fluffy pillow below you. He was close to you, also on his side and facing you with one hand draped over your waist. His eyes were heavy and red, a permanent upturn of his lips sending butterflies erupting in your stomach every time you thought of it for too long.

He was tracing shapes into your skin, his touch featherlight and tickling you further every time he moved. Your hand was hovering over his arm, your fingers doing the same as his. The moment was filled with intimacy, just like the rest of the evening so far. Since returning from dinner, you’d only left the bed twice; once to share a joint on the patio attached to the room, and Daniel left to get concessions at the front lobby to stave off the midnight munchies. Other than that, you had stayed wrapped up in him and cherished every second you had alone with him.

Conversation was limited, the day filled with activities leaving you both exhausted. The weed was no help, and every time the television went quiet, you felt the lull of sleep draw your eyes closed for a moment. You forced them back open, deciding that time spent with him was much more important than sleep, especially knowing that it was limited.

You were so full of emotion it felt like your chest would explode, and you were having a hard time swallowing it back. You were certain he could see the sparkle of admiration in your eye, telling him more than you were willing to give. You wished to let him in, the thoughts that came to you in the elevator still plaguing your mind and only ever growing louder the longer you ignored them. You were still afraid, in a constant back and forth battle with your own mind, and it was relentless.

The haze from the high left your guard down, and the sleepiness was only worsening the situation. Would it be so bad? You didn’t have to tell him everything. Opening up wasn’t the worst, especially knowing he would keep it just as safe as you would. Besides, he had proven he was a good listener, and you thought he was the only person in the world you could share a piece of your soul with and not come to regret it.

Oh, to hell with it. You were tired of always holding back, tired of living halfway instead of fully. You wanted him to know you, so what was the big deal? Even if he was leaving, even if he would become a stranger again in the future, you knew deep down that you wouldn’t regret it. He was the only person in the world you ever wanted to see you as you were, rather than the mask you put on for everyone else.

“You know, I’ve never really had anything like this before.” You whispered, your voice raspy from the smoke and sleepiness.

“What do you mean?” He asked, his tone gentle and intrigued. He gave a soft smile, happy that you were willing to offer any kind of personal details. He knew you were reserved when it came to sharing your story, so he waited patiently in hopes you would eventually feel comfortable enough to do so, and now it finally seemed to be paying off.

“I don’t know… like this. Us.” You explained, finding it difficult to phrase. You didn’t know exactly what you were, aside from being messy. “I didn’t have many friends growing up… and the ones I did weren’t really friends, I guess. Never had someone care like this before.” You swore you saw his eyes twinkle at the recognition, but you tried not to focus on it. When you did, it only made your stomach do somersaults, and you were still trying to convince yourself there were no feelings involved in your relationship.

“Tell me more.” He urged, tracing hearts into the bare skin of your hip. Your heart raced at the touch and the idea that he wanted to know you genuinely, rather than just on the surface.

“What do you want to know?” You giggled, pulling the blanket a little tighter to your chest.

“Everything.” He breathed, his eyes trailing down to the fabric squeezing against you, noticing the spill of your breasts from the taut material wrapped around you. “Whatever you want to tell me.”

“Well,” you started, brushing your hair from your shoulder. You felt the strands tickle your back as they fell behind you, but you paid no mind to it. “I didn’t have the best upbringing, I s’pose. My dad was never around, n’ my mom was… my mom, I guess.” You let out a stale laugh, the sound seeming far away as the weed continued to work at your mind. “That’s a story for a different day. My brothers and I stuck together, thick as thieves because we only ever had each other to rely on. God knows nobody else would do it, ‘cept my grandparents, but they were old and tired. Think they always wanted to get us out of that house, but they knew they couldn’t afford it. Besides, they knew they would never win a fight against my mom. Nobody could. Just the way she is.” The conniving, evil, narcissistic bitch that she was. You kept that thought to yourself, not wanting to make it too heavy on him.

“We grew up in a small town, so everybody talked. Everyone knew everyone's business, even if they shouldn’t have. Think because of that, lots of people had this preconceived notion about us three based off what our parents were like, which isn’t really fair, but I can understand it now. They told their kids to stay away from us, which made it hard to have any kind of social life. Once we got older, things changed a bit and some people came around, but I almost wish they didn’t.” You chuckled, pausing to see if he was still listening. It was hard telling him half a story, especially when you wanted him to know everything, but you knew it was for the best. Maybe someday, but definitely not yet.

“I didn’t have any true friends. We were more like partners in crime, always getting ourselves into trouble and then laughing about it later on. My brothers tried really hard to warn me, but it never really stuck.” You explained, periodically checking to see his reactions to your story. His face showed nothing other than a desire to listen and learn. You thought about your old friendships and relationships, finding parallels to your life now and wondering if the cycle was caused by you, or the universe trying to punish you. “Boyfriends too, I guess. Not like I ever had any real relationships either, but the ones I did were a waste of my time. I got in with the wrong crowd, and it fucked me up more than I ever thought it could.”

“I don’t think you’re fucked up.” Was all he said, catching your eye so you knew he was telling the truth. You gave a sad smile—he didn’t think you were fucked up because he didn’t know. Once the truth came out, you were sure that outlook would change.

“So I’ve never had this.” You changed the topic, avoiding his sweet sentiments like the plague. “Someone who cares, who listens, who wants to be around. Never had someone look out for me like you do… whatever we are and whatever that means.” You have a wry smile, saddened from the thought of not being anything more.

“We’re lots of things, Utah. For what it’s worth, all of those things mean a hell of a lot to me.” He whispered, wording his response carefully so he would not scare you.

“Earlier, in the elevator… It got me thinking about a lot of things. ‘Bout us, more specifically.” You let your eyes close, taking in a long breath to sooth your tight chest. Anxiety was riddling your entire body, and not even the high could satiate the feeling. Being open and emotional was hard for you, but for him, you wanted to try.

For the first time in your life, all you wanted to do was try.

“Like?” He pried a little further, wanting to know what you were thinking about, wondering if it was the same things he was thinking about.

“I want you to know me, Danny. Like, really know me, not the surface level shit I give to everyone else.” You confessed, knowing the only reason it was so easy was the effect of the drug coursing through you.

“So let me.” He smiled, relieved you felt so comfortable with him. Your face fell slightly, your chest burning with sadness as you swallowed the lump stuck in your throat.

“It’s just… it’s not so easy. When we first met, you asked me if everything was a long story, and I laughed it off at the time, but it’s true. Everything is a long story, and it’s a hard story to tell. My life has been anything but boring, and for all the wrong reasons. I want to tell you, I just can’t do it yet, and I don’t know when I’ll be ready.”

“Okay.” He hummed, his thumb reaching soothing circles into your skin. “Tell me whatever you want, whenever you’re ready. I won’t pressure you, and there’s no rush. I like being this person for you, Utah. The one you can trust, the one who looks out for you… I want to keep being that person, as long as you want me to be.”

“I’m scared.” You whispered, catching his eye. The warmth in his stare made the world seem okay, but you feared you could not trust it. You didn’t know how to trust anything, and that was your biggest flaw. “I don’t want it to make you look at me differently. I don’t want to scare you.”

“Then we’ll work on it together. Start slow and then we’ll go from there. I’m not going anywhere.”

Oh, how you wished it was true.

“Start slow?” You asked, pushing the end of the summer far away from your mind. You had to enjoy him while you could, and you felt deep down that part of enjoying him included being vulnerable with him.

“As slow as you want, baby.” He promised, giving a gentle nod.

“Okay.” You spoke so quietly it was almost hard for you to hear yourself, but he waited patiently for you to keep going. You wondered where to start, what you could say to let him in just enough to reap the benefits but avoid the consequences. Figuring it was the easiest, you started with you and him, and why you were so reserved about loving him.

“You know, I say that we’re friends a lot… I know that whatever this is, whatever we are, is more than friends, even if we don’t have a label on it. I don’t want you to think that it’s because I don’t want to be more, because I do, I just don’t know how to be.” You explained, choosing your words carefully. “I have this undying desire to love people, and to take care of them. I don’t know if it’s because I genuinely want to, or if it’s an easy way to avoid doing it for myself. I do all of the motions, do everything a girlfriend should but I run away when I think about a label so serious. Vincent kind of threw it in my face the other day, and I know it was because he was hurting about something else, but it really made me think about it.”

“How so?”

“I commit myself completely, and then I throw the friend label on it as if it lessens my commitment somehow. To me, friends sounds better, because I don’t know what a real relationship is or how it works. Maybe I’m trying to protect myself, convincing myself that it will hurt less when it ends —and that comes back to me always expecting everyone to leave when things get tough.” You shrugged, finding yourself tracing the stick and poke sun on the back of your hand. It was a nervous tick that you’d coined not long after rehab, and you did it subconsciously more often than not. You wondered if he was judging you, if he was too nice to say that you were crazy, but when you allowed yourself to study the look in his eye, it was nothing but sincere.

“Growing up, my parents didn’t teach us a whole lot, and what they did wasn’t good. A lot of fighting, a lot of blame, and even some violence.” You chuckled, even if the situation was not funny at all. “They taught us bad decisions, how to avoid accountability, and lots of other stuff, but never love. My parents were together on and off until I was ten, and when they were on, they should not have been. Never loyal to each other, and they were fucking miserable on their lonesome and even more so when they were together. Eventually, when my dad left for good, my mom got together with a guy who was worse than my dad, which I didn’t even think was possible. We didn’t have a fuckin’ shot.”

You braced yourself for sympathy, already regretting telling him because you knew what you would receive, but it never came. Instead, he remained stoic, the corners of his lips dipping down into the tiniest frown as he studied you in silence. Then, quiet and gentle, he spoke.

“It’s crazy how life works, sometimes.” He started, hoping he wasn’t deterring your desire to share by giving input. “How someone so fantastic has to endure something so terrible, how someone so precious came from something so hard.” You sniffed away a tear that sprung to your eye, your chest burning from his sweet words. You wondered if he knew everything, would he still view you in such light? Or would your darkness become too much and taint the radiance that was him? “You know, learning all this stuff doesn’t change how I feel about you, Utah. What happened before doesn’t change who you are now, and that’s the person I love spending time with. As much as I hate knowing you’ve been hurt before, it would never change how I think of you.”

“There’s so much shit, Danny. So much you don’t know… so much I’m not sure I want you to know.” You argued, a tear slipping down your cheek as you squeezed your eyes shut. Your chest ached, your stomach sick as you pictured the look on his face when he finally learned all of the pieces to your twisted little jigsaw puzzle of a life.

“So what, Utah?” He gave a soft smile, reaching up and swiping away your tears with his thumb. For a moment, the pain in your heart was replaced with warmth, making you wonder how he always made it so easy to fall further for him. “Everything that happened made you into the person laying beside me right now. To you, it seems ugly, but to me… it’s just a story. We all have one.”

“You always know what to say, huh?” Feeling more tears flood your cheeks, you wished you could disappear and turn to dust, for the mattress to open up and swallow you whole. You didn’t want him to see you like this, but you knew if you were going to open yourself up to him, he’d be seeing a lot worse than some tears and a broken heart. It scared you, but at the same time, it made you feel lighter than ever before.

Nobody had ever been so calm, so accepting of your feelings and your faults, but there he sat, ready and willing to listen and take whatever you had to offer him. He was the best thing this world had ever known, and you were sure of it. As much as you were grateful, you also wondered what you did to deserve him, almost fearing that there was something he was hiding that would offset the beauty of his existence.

‘No, Y/N.’ You stopped your train of thought before it could progress any further. ‘Apple Juice—not the big complicated mess.’

If you continued searching for a flaw, you would end up creating them all on your own, ruining something good for no real reason at all. It was your best trait, but you couldn’t stomach the idea of inflicting that fate upon him. He deserved more, and because of that, you were determined to be more, to be the person he deserved to have.

“It’s not a bit or an act, Y/N. It’s the truth. I haven’t and I would never lie to you.” He said, still wiping away tears as they fell. You weren’t sure why you were plagued with so much guilt at his confession; you hadn’t lied to him, but you had withheld the truth. Was that the same thing to him? To you, it wasn’t, but maybe it was just a poor justification for your shitty actions, for your need to keep him in the dark.

But he knew there was stuff you were holding back; you had been more than open about that, and he was choosing to stay. He would make his own judgment about the situation when the time came, but he refused to start this relationship with you with preconceived notions and ideas about a person he hardly knew.

He was so much better than you, and every day that passed only further proved that.

“If being friends is easier for you, that’s okay, Utah. I don’t need a label to be secure about how I feel about us.” He promised, his thumb drifting over your still damp cheek as a soothing gesture. “If calling ourselves friends and still doing whatever we’re doing makes it so I can be with you, I’ll take it, and I’ll be happy about it.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be more, Danny. I truly am—you deserve the world, and since the day I met you, that’s all I wanted to give you.”

“You give me so much more than you know.” He whispered, the softness of his tone paired with the loving actions making it impossible to keep your eyes off of him. “Whenever you want to tell me more, I’ll be here, ready to listen. Hopefully, when you’re ready, I can show you something different, that I’m different. That I want to be here and help you, and that I’m not going anywhere. We’ll take it at your pace, baby. I’m happy as long as I’m with you, no matter what we’re doing or what we are.”

It was hard to focus on his sweet sentiments, especially when he continued to promise that he wasn’t going anywhere, even whilst knowing the end of the summer would mean the end of the two of you.

If he had never and would never lie, why was he promising himself forever when you both knew your relationship had an expiration date?

June 28, 2022

Your phone ringing loudly on your bed beside your head woke you with a start. With blurry eyes and an aching head, you turned the screen to see who was daring to disturb you. You blinked a few times to allow your vision to focus, and your previous annoyance disappeared in an instant. You hit accept and pressed the speakerphone option, immediately hearing the whir of traffic on the street in the background.

“To whom do I owe the pleasure, Michigan?” Sleepiness was laced in your tone, a lazy smile on your lips as you heard him chuckle.

“Just wondering if you’re up for a few visitors? Should have texted before we came, but I got ahead of myself.” A touch of guilt filled his tone, but you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“You’re always welcome here.” You assured him.

“Great. We’re downstairs.” He informed you. “Wanna let us in?”

“Yeah—give me five and I’ll be right down.” You breathed, throwing the tattered old blanket from your legs and sliding out of bed.

“No rush.” He assured you, a smile clear in his tone.

“A little rush—“ Sam’s smart remark was cut short, a groan sounding from him instead. You assumed Daniel’s fist collided with his arm, his protective nature growing tenfold when it came to you. “See you soon, Utah!” Sam recovered quickly, replacing his earlier sentiments with a cheery tone.

With that, Daniel ended the call, leaving you staring at the notifications on your Lock Screen but not fully registering them. You rushed to the bathroom, quickly brushing through your knotted hair with one hand as you brushed your teeth with the other. You applied some mascara and lipgloss after washing your face, and dabbed on a touch of blush on your cheeks. Once you were satisfied, you ran back to your room to change. You picked out an old cropped tank top and a pair of jean shorts that were a tad snug around your hips. Since getting sober, you noticed some weight begin to return to your body, which was as uplifting as it was motivating.

You weren’t sure why the two were at your apartment so early—the night prior, you and Daniel had spent most of the evening lounging on your couch as you watched Netflix (his, of course) on your laptop. When darkness took to the sky, he sadly informed you he had to head back to the Airbnb, without an invitation for you to come with him. You thought it was odd, especially considering you hadn’t spent a night apart in weeks, but you didn’t pry. Instead, you took the opportunity to work on your novel without any distractions or disturbances, which allowed for you to make a whole lot more progress than you thought you would.

You left your front door open, knowing the other tenants of your building wouldn’t dare go in (it wasn’t like there was much to steal anyway). Most were too old to leave their house, and the others were too strung out to know where they were. The remaining few stragglers were either at work or not home. You rushed down the stairs, seeing the two patiently waiting at the front door. With a smile on your face, you lifted up on the handle and pushed it open, allowing them to step inside. Before they had a chance to greet you, a leashed Rosie ran to greet you, her tail wagging happily as she sniffed at your hands.

“Hello, sweet girl.” You grinned, giving her some attention before you turned to the two boys. “And hello Daniel and Sam.” You added.

“What, no nicknames for us?” Sam feigned offense to your greeting, clearly teasing.

“Right, sorry.” You chuckled, as if you had forgotten completely. “Hello Dumb and Dumber.” You corrected yourself, stifling a laugh as Sam’s lips turned down into a frown.

“First one was better.” He deducted.

“What’s all that?” You asked, motioning to the bags in their hands.

“Let’s go upstairs and you’ll find out.” Danny said, placing a kiss to the top of your head.

“Can I help?” You asked, reaching for a bag. He retracted his arm, giving a slight shake of his head and soft smile.

“Don’t worry about it, Utah.” He hummed, nodding to the stairwell. With a shrug, you led them back upstairs.

Before you passed through your front door, you paused in your tracks, noticing a white plastic bag hung on the handle, black sharpie marks scrawled on the front of it. Your eyebrows furrowed as you slipped it off, wondering how you missed it on your way down but not spending too long dwelling. You let the boys in first, a nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach as you watched Sam’s eyes take in the surroundings. He’d yet to step foot into your building, and you wondered if he would be as accepting as his best friend, or if he would pass judgment like so many others would have.

You closed the door behind you with force, shaking the knob to ensure it latched shut. You flipped the lock, noticing it was stuck and refusing to work with you. With a huff of annoyance, you shoved your shoulder against the hollow wooden paneling, using your body weight to hold it shut as you twisted the deadbolt. Finally, it clicked in place and you eased up on your shoulder, looking to the other two who weren’t even aware of your struggle.

“I love these windows, Utah.” Sam stared in awe at the large panel windows of your living room, casting rays of golden light through the entire apartment. Overlooking the mold growing on the waterlogged sills, he went straight to the style of the glass. “Very Victorian.” He commented, his eyes trailing to the art hanging on the walls peeling of their paint.

“Well, thank ya.” You smiled, noticing the seriousness in his tone. They didn’t see you as some poverty stricken struggler. They saw their friend, who lived in a worn down apartment complex that still had some breathtaking elements despite its flaws.

They were too good for you, and you felt horrible for placing blame on them for something they would never do. Since the day you met them, they had never made you feel lesser for your lifestyle, even if it was different than theirs.

Maybe you just needed to hear someone else’s appreciation to find some of your own.

“What’s that?” Danny asked, raising an eyebrow as he sat the surplus of bags down on your kitchen table. He was referring to the little bag held in your hand, which you seemingly forgot about amidst your anxious thoughts.

“Oh!” You exclaimed, looking down at it yourself. “Not sure. Let’s see.” You said, pulling it towards your face. At the rustle of the plastic, Rose’s ears perked up and she trotted over to join you, hopeful for a treat.

“Here, Rose.” Sam called out to her, reaching in his pocket and grabbing a bone shaped biscuit for her. He tossed it to her, and she caught it in her mouth with little hesitation.

You turned your attention back to the bag, noticing the word ‘dollface’ scrawled across the thin plastic. You knew it was from Vincent and Dylan, but you had no idea what it was or why they dropped it off. More than that, you wondered why they didn’t knock and come inside. You gave them your spare key way back when you started working at the Fox, knowing quickly that they were the only ones you trusted with it. They shared an apartment close by, which meant that if in peril, either one of them could make it to you within minutes if need be.

You untied the top, peering inside with furrowed eyebrows. You grabbed a pack of Marlboro Reds, wrapped in plastic with a shoelace tied around it as a makeshift bow. Alongside it were two joints rolled to perfection encased in a small ziplock bag to keep them safe. A few messily drawn hearts decorated the clear plastic, bringing a small smile to your face. There was a napkin and a small piece of what looked to be receipt paper inside, so you pulled them out too, just to see what it was all about.

On the napkin was a small, handwritten note that was signed by both of them.

sorry we couldn’t aford anythin better doll. happy birthday we love ya! here late last nite didn’t want 2 wake you. cya thursday

Dyl and Vin

The small piece of receipt paper was in fact not a receipt, but a voucher from one of the slot machines at the Pony. It was redeemable for 31.78, which was a whole hell of a lot in Dylan and Vincent’s opinion.

Wait—birthday?

Hastily, you pulled your phone from your back pocket, tapping on the screen to see what the date was. When the white letters stated it was in fact June 28th, you felt a wave of dread wash over you. Not only was it your birthday, it was also your least favorite day of the whole year. Already exhausted just from the thought of surplus of calls and texts from people who cared little about you, you began dreading the yearly Facebook post on your wall from your mother in which she raved on about how much she loved you and how proud she was of you, only to neglect to actually call you or care about you. To her, it was important to maintain outward appearances, even if she had always been your worst enemy and biggest bully.

On top of that, you were twenty-four. Not that you were aging and withering away, but you were sickened at the thought of another year passing you by and having nothing to show for it. No accomplishments, no celebrations, no progress. Another year that left you just as dejected as the last, making you wonder if the rest of your life was destined to be the same things over again in one, relentless, mind numbing cycle.

“It’s my birthday.” You let out a dry chuckle, slipping your phone back in your pocket as you sucked in a sharp breath through your teeth. “I forgot.”

“Really? It’s your birthday? We had no idea.” Sam giggled, finding your forgetfulness amusing. “How’d you forget about your birthday when we didn’t, Utah?” From anyone else, you might have blown a fuse at the lighthearted jokes poking fun at your hidden traumas, but from Sam, it was oddly funny and aided you in pulling yourself from your misery.

“It’s not my most favorite day.” You gave a soft smile, placing the bag from Dylan and Vin on the table after tossing the items back in. “Never really celebrated it when I was a kid. If my mom let me go to my grandparents house we did, but she usually wasn’t that nice.” Sam gave you sad eyes, which made you avert your gaze to the floor. “Most of the time it came a couple days after, the next time we went to my grandparents house. Then they’d have a cake or whatever.” You explained further, trying to lighten the mood.

Even after you moved out of your mothers house birthdays were never anything grandois. The first year, you spent at your eldest brother's tiny apartment where you were so poor you couldn’t even afford the power bill. Eventually, your addiction got too out of hand and you left to spare him from the worst. You spent a year floating around on couches and shelters, and one at your ‘boyfriends’ house (he was a dealer and the house was a trap). The fourth still in Utah, you spent at the Pinnacle Recovery Centre, where they gave you a cupcake and decorated the common room.

Your first one in New York was spent at the Pony, which got you in more trouble than you ever expected. You originally went to cash in the voucher for the slots Vin and Dylan gave you that year, but got caught up in the cheap drinks and company at the blackjack table. Your ‘winnings’ consisted of a dime bag, which made for a wonderful gift. A night spent in the detox box and a surrendered key tag made you vow to never celebrate your birthday ever again.

“Well, this year, that’s going to change.” Sam assured you, taking a seat in one of the rickety chairs at the table.

“Guys, you don’t have to—“ you began to protest, but Danny held up his index finger to cut you short.

“We want to.” He said, a tone of finality in his voice. “Maybe after today, you’ll change your mind.”

“Guys, this is too much.” You whined, crossing your arms over your chest, plagued with guilt at the idea of them spending so much time and effort on a day no different than any other. “It’s just a birthday. It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s your birthday, Utah.” Danny corrected. “It is a big deal to us—to me.” Your cheeks turned red, your eyes glistening with unshed tears.

How did you ever get so lucky?

“Besides, you can’t say it’s too much, ‘cause you don’t even know what it is yet.” Sam pointed out, which was fair. At the same time, you’d come to know them quite well, and you knew for a fact it was too much. “Start us off, Daniel.”

“Right.” He nodded, carefully picking the first bag from the pile of them. “See, I wanted to stay here with you last night, but if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to surprise you with breakfast.” He smiled, flashing you the inside of the bag, which was filled with takeout containers. “And I needed Sam’s help with some stuff.”

“Yeah, he didn’t actually invite me. He used me for hard labor and felt too bad to drop me off at home.” Sam rolled his eyes, joking but not all at the same time.

“Whatever.” Danny rolled his eyes, brushing him off completely. “You remember that restaurant we stopped at on our way to Jersey? The one with the huge waffles?”

“Danny, you did not!” You exclaimed, overwhelmed with joy at the thought of how much he cared for you.

“I did.” He grinned. “One waffle for Utah, on her birthday.” He sat a container out in front of an open chair. “And some other food too, but I remembered how excited you were when you ordered it, so I couldn’t help myself.” He scattered the rest of the takeout containers around the table, grabbing paper plates and forks.

“You’re the best, Michigan.” You whispered, your eyes sparkling with glee as you bargained with your own happiness.

It was the first time in twenty four years you had ever felt so loved (or loved at all for that matter) on your birthday, and it was all thanks to him.

“It’s what you deserve, Utah.” He replied, just as hushed as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. Then, he pulled a chair out for you, taking place next to you once you were settled.

Breakfast was fun, lighthearted and sweet. Danny had picked you up a king can of Redbull, remembering that it was your favorite, and they had gotten coffee to go from the restaurant they retrieved breakfast from. After about an hour passed, filled with laughs and smiles, you couldn’t force yourself to eat another bite if you tried. They asked you about your novel, to which you told them how good writing was going after it seemed like you were stuck at a dead end. After nearly two years, the end was just out of reach, but still attainable.

For once, life was good. Writing was great, your free time was never boring, and your addiction had never been so far from your mind. You didn’t want to accredit it to Danny completely, but he served as a fantastic distraction from life’s normal routine and trouble. After the confessional at the hotel, it left the two of you closer than ever, happier than ever. He finally felt like he was breaking through the walls of defense you had built so high, and you finally had someone you could trust.

The only downfall was that you were falling further and harder with every second that passed.

You wanted to tell him more, to keep explaining bits of your past you never cared to share with anyone, but you were taking it slow. You’d always been impulsive, jumping the gun and getting yourself in trouble, and although you didn’t think this was the same, you still wanted to err on the side of caution.

When the morning began to bleed into the afternoon, the boys took it upon themselves to get on with the next birthday festivity.

He searched through one of his bags, pulling out a few different things after urging you to keep your eyes closed. You heard the crinkle of packaging plastic, then felt him step closer to you. After a few moments of nothing but rustling plastic, you felt him place something on top of your head, then urged you to open your eyes.

When you did, the first thing you saw was an expensive looking cupcake, taken from a half dozen container sitting just off to the side. There was one candle stuck in the middle of it beside a little topper that read ‘happy birthday’. You looked across the table to Sam, who had a cheap cardboard party hat from the dollar store sitting lopsided on his head. You looked at Danny as you reached up to see if he’d placed one on yours, too. He had a goofy smile on his lips, the thin elastic holding his hat in place only making the sight all the more funny.

He leaned forward, igniting the wick of the candle with a cheap gas station lighter. Before you had a chance to speak, the two began singing a dramatic and drawn out rendition of Happy Birthday. You couldn’t begin to express your gratitude—your eyes were brimming with tears, the lump in your throat making it hard to breathe as you felt Danny’s hand on your shoulder. For once, the tears were not because of sadness, or a feeling of being forgotten. Instead, you were overwhelmed by the surplus of love being thrown in your direction, unable to comprehend the kindness of their actions.

“Make a wish, Utah.” Danny whispered, his lips hovering over your ear as he spoke. The warmth of his breath on your skin sent a shiver down your spine, sending your mind swirling with thoughts of him and only him.

You did as you were told, leaning forward with a smile on your lips as you closed your eyes. You needed no time to think, knowing exactly what your wish was as soon as the breath left your lips to extinguish the tiny flame.

You wished for the boy behind you, and every good thing he had brought to your life since walking into it. More specifically, you wished he never had to leave.

You opened your eyes, forcing yourself out of the dreamlike state as you pictured a life with him always by your side. You were greeted with a kiss on the cheek from Danny, and a whoop and a holler from Sam.

“What’d’ya wish for?” Sam asked, his eyebrow raised as he watched you pull the candle from the top of your cupcake.

“Can’t tell ya, or it won’t come true.” You bargained with the pain that came from realizing it would never come true anyway, no matter if you kept it secret or not.

“Yeah, s’pose you’re right.” He hummed, leaning back in his chair with a defeated nod. You gave a soft smile, pulling away the parchment wrapper lining the bottom of the cupcake.

“Thank you guys… for everything. This is… it’s fantastic. It’s more than anything I’ve ever gotten.” You spoke gently in fear your voice would crack and the tears would finally make an appearance. Thankfully, you’d been able to swallow back all that dared to threaten you thus far, and you were intent to keep it that way.

“Days not over yet, Utah.” Danny reminded you, giving you a long lasting sinking feeling in your stomach. You could never repay him for what he’d already done, and he was planning for more?

“And it’s not that much. Cake was supposed to be homemade, but as it turns out, we are not very good at baking.” Sam informed you, taking a bite from his own cupcake. At that, you let out a small giggle, already picturing the two of them covered in flour and arguing over ruined cake batter.

“It’s so much, Sam.” You corrected, ensuring they knew how appreciated they were.

“Well, one more thing from me and I’m out.” Sam slapped his palms against the table, a mischievous smile on his lips. “Then you and your lover can have some alone time.”

“No more!” You exclaimed, panicked at the idea of receiving anything else. Guilt was already eating you alive, and you were sure if any more was added atop of what you were feeling, you would crack under the weight of it.

“Oh, quit!” Sam exclaimed, laughing at your stubbornness. “If you haven’t noticed, Utah, we love you.” He stood calmly, reaching for a gift bag as if he hadn’t said the most earth shattering words in the entire world.

They loved you.

After all the bad they’ve seen, the tears and the struggle, the impoverished lifestyle you led, they didn’t care. They thought you had enough good to outweigh all of the bad combined, and so much so that they had surpassed the threshold from simple friendship to something stronger.

And damn, you loved them too.

Even if you didn’t want to.

Even if it was easier not to.

You loved them, and so much so that you were almost unable to picture a life without them.

Out of all the things in the universe, that scared you the most. You were resilient, independent and strong, and you never once needed anything from anyone. You had let yourself grow a soft spot, or a weakness more likely, without even realizing it. Normally, it would make you want to run and hide. Usually when things meant so much to you, you tried to detach, just so it wouldn’t hurt as bad when it inevitably disappeared, but you didn’t want to this time.

For the first time in your life, you let yourself truly and genuinely be loved, no matter the consequences.

You could worry about those later—for now, you never ever wanted to let it slip through your fingers.

“In my opinion, this is the best part.” Sam hummed, his eyes drifting towards Daniel.

His appearance was nervous, his fingers drumming against the edge of the table as he nodded along in agreement. He turned his head towards you, offering a soft smile as he spoke a wordless conversation with Sam. The other boy seemed to catch on to his drift, picking up a neatly wrapped box with a bow on the front from one of the bags.

Before any more words were shared, Sam placed it in front of you, then grabbed another wrapped item, this one thin and much smaller. You looked between the two, your stomach twisted in knots as you already began to worry about the money the two spent.

“Happy Birthday, Utah.” Danny whispered, his features soft as he swallowed hard. “Those are from me.”

“Danny…” you whispered, concern knitting your brows together as you silently objected to the act of kindness.

“Open them, baby.” He responded, dismissing your unspoken point entirely. “You’ll love it—I know you will.”

“I have no doubt about that. I just… I feel bad.” You expressed your opinion on the matter.

“No need. I wanted to.”

He wanted to.

Since the day you met him, he continued to show you that he wanted to do more than anyone else ever had, and he was still committed to it months later.

“It doesn’t matter which one you open first.” He said, ending the conversation so you couldn’t argue any further.

Your eyes lingered on him for a moment longer, but eventually turned to the two packages in front of you. When was the last time you had a real birthday gift? One bought with care and consideration, one in which was curated for your taste only (as much as you appreciated the cigarettes and joints, you knew that was the same gift the boys gave to everyone). Maybe, the last time you’d ever torn wrapping paper off a box or pulled tape from a shiny bag plastered with color was when your grandparents were alive. Possibly even before then, because in later years they stuffed cards with cash, and upon learning about your addictions, gift cards for groceries and clothes.

With their help, you were reliving a childhood dream you only got to participate in every now and again.

For that alone, you were forever indebted to them.

You reached forward, settling on the smaller of the two gifts. You let the tip of your finger run across the thin piece of tape holding the paper together. You peeled it back, the coloured paper underneath it lifting with the adhesive. You folded it back once you freed it from the tape, your heart skipping a beat at the familiar tan colour of the item inside.

With a new found bout of excitement, you flipped it over, tearing the rest of the paper away from it as you did so. You nearly jumped from your chair as you tossed the wrapping to the ground, your eyes studying every detail of the abstract picture. The bright yellow and blue of the lettering caught your eyes, and your hand raised to it as you gently traced over the words like you used to do so long ago. The red lips standing prominently underneath them brought a smile to your face. Slowly, you turned to look at the man who wasn’t technically your boyfriend or your friend, and understood that he did not need to be either of those things, for he was the best thing that had ever happened to you, the most important person in the world, no matter the label.

In your hands was a brand new copy of Steely Dan’s Can’t Buy a Thrill, the plastic wrapping still shiny and perfectly intact as it waited for you to spin the familiar melody of Dirty Work.

“You remembered.” You forced the words through your teeth, your throat scratching as you wheezed in a breath. Holding back your tears was becoming more difficult by the second.

For some strange reason, you wished he didn’t.

It would have made it easier to overlook the bond that had formed between the two of you.

“Keep going.” He urged, not wanting to dwell too long when there was more sitting in front of you.

You moved onto the bigger box, knowing exactly what it was before you even tore the paper from it. Underneath the fancy bow and wrapping, sat a brand new record player that likely cost him a pretty penny.

Your stomach filled with lead, your bones heavy as you sat with your own thoughts for a moment. With no way to stop it this time, you felt tears flood your cheeks, angry and vengeful for being repressed for so long. You raised the back of your hands to your eyes, the coolness of your skin soothing to you as you drew in a shaky breath. Without thinking twice, you pushed your chair backwards and sprung forward, taking the few steps towards him. He stood to meet you, noticing your distress and worried that he overstepped.

When you wrapped your arms around him and buried your face in his chest, shamelessly loving him and unafraid to show how much it meant to you. Your tears stained his t-shirt, but he assured you he wasn’t bothered by it as he held you tighter to him.

“I’m sorry if it was too much, I just wanted—“ you cut him off by pulling away, staring up at him with watery eyes and a smile as you nipped the thought in the bud.

“Don’t you dare apologize.” Your statement was strong despite your quivering lip and dry throat. “You don't have anything to be sorry for. This is… you are… Danny.” You breathed, tripping over your words as more tears spilled down your cheeks. “This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. You’re the best thing…” you trailed off, your bottom lip caught between your teeth as you swallowed back a sob. You didn’t need to say it aloud, because he knew exactly what you meant. Instead of replying, he pulled you into a tighter hug, happy to know the tears were not from sorrow, but from happiness.

“Alright, alright.” Sam cut the two of you off. You both looked over at him, smiling as he nudged his gift bag towards you.

You stepped forward, wiping your cheeks as you pulled at the tape holding the bag together. It popped open with ease, giving you the freedom to look inside. First, you pulled out another record, the tears making an immediate return as you looked at the cover.

“Bringing It All Back Home?!” You exploded, another sob shaking your shoulders as you hugged it to your chest. You felt like a child on Christmas morning, high on sugar and the feeling of being alive while sorting through gifts laced with magic from Santa himself.

“Aaand?” Sam raised an eyebrow, nodding towards the bag again. Cautiously, you set the vinyl on the table and reached back inside, pulling out one last record to top it all off.

“Harvest…” the yellow cover that was so distinct sent a smile straight to your lips. “I seriously can’t believe you remembered I said all this. It was so long ago, and so unimportant.”

“Nothing is unimportant when it comes to you, Utah.” Danny placed a hand on the small of your back.

“Seriously… thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me… it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done… the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” You were beside yourself with emotion, your chest aching from all of the love you held within it.

“One last thing from me, Y/N.” Sam added, pulling something unwrapped from the bags beside him. He handed it across the table, watching as you pieced it together and waiting for your response. You grabbed it from his hands, the cool leather immediately sending a shiver down your spine. Wordlessly, you flipped it open, in awe of how well made it was. “I saw it when we were out today, and it made me think of you. You probably have lots, but when you get to that one, at least you’ll think of us. Maybe it’ll even give you some motivation on the hard days. Someone as talented as you should never stop writing.”

“Sam, this is the most beautiful journal I’ve ever seen.” You assured him. The black, leather bound journal was hefty, heavy from its size and astonishingly beautiful in its simplicity. It was big, many more pages than any of the ones you already owned, and it was even better because it came from him, one of the truest and most genuine friends you had ever had.

You placed it on the table, quickly scurrying towards him as you pulled him into a hug. Your tears had become less aggressive, but were still steadily rolling as you laid your head on his shoulder. Perhaps one of the best things about falling for Danny was gaining a friend like Sam, because you’d never experienced anything like it before.

“Thank you so much.” You whispered, your eyes closing as you enjoyed the brief moment of intimacy.

“Can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.” He promised you. “You make him so happy, Utah. You deserve people who make you happy, too.”

You held him a little tighter, touched by his sentiments but stuck pondering the same question that would ultimately eat you alive; would you still make him this happy if he knew the truth about you? Would they still think you were so fantastic if they learned of all of your mistakes?

You wanted to say yes, to be certain that two people as wonderful as them would love you no matter what, but it was very hard to believe.

Hopefully, by the time the facade faded away, they will have grown to care about you enough to look past it, to accept you as you are and let go of who you were, just the same as you had to do (and still continue to do).

Or, better yet, you hoped that maybe they would be gone before you ever had to expose yourself at all.

No matter how much you loved them or how different life seemed, you were still the same person they met at the diner all those months ago, even if you desperately wished you weren’t.

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