#self help bullshit

[chinbiz]

I was watching some stuff about men's self-help and noticed that a lot of what typically gets discussed ultimately traces back to relationships and sex. You have the manosphere that essentially says "learn to get sex or a girlfriend, and getting sex or a girlfriend will make you confident and happy", and then you have people I otherwise agree with who are countering this with "learn confidence, and that will get you sex or a girlfriend", and the issue is both of these are accepting the amatonormative narrative that having a romantic relationship is uniquely important and should be a priority.

Amatonormativity is why we devalue platonic relationships and relationships/relationship structures that fall outside of the nuclear family. It is why we as a society don't prioritize other avenues of connection such as community building.

If we as leftists are going to start giving out self-help style advice (big "if" there), we should be applying critical analysis to the narratives being pushed. We should be acknowledging that the current system prioritizes monogamous romantic relationships and that self-help plays into this. Instead of telling boys whether the chicken or the egg comes first in terms of confidence and romance, we should be decoupling these concepts altogether and teaching them to question why they've been taught that having a girlfriend will cure their depression and cleanse their pores in the first place.

The antidote to PUA and manosphere culture is not the left giving advice on how to bag a chick, but to teach these boys to think critically about why they have prioritized sex and relationships above all else and tied their entire self worth to dating, and what systems that thinking benefits (capitalism, patriarchy, heteronormativity, etc).

Throughout high school I watched (mostly cishet) boys my age internalize amatonormativity in several ways. I knew several who became serial monogamists, jumping from relationship to relationship, terrified of being single, desperate to fill a vacancy in their self-worth that simply can't be fixed by romance. Romantic relationships unsurprisingly did not cure their depression and self esteem issues like they felt so sure about. I knew some who stayed in toxic relationships because they thought they would be less valued as people alone. And finally, there were the ones that had convinced themselves so much of their sexual and romantic inferiority that they turned to overt misogynistic control, abuse, and violence. This was not just incels, as it often had more to do with self-perception than reality, and I found myself afraid for my life and the lives of my peers in a romantic relationship with one of the people who internalized it in this way. Dating did not help these people.

None of these people were truly fulfilled by romantic relationships like they had been led to believe, through constant pushing of amatonormative messages by society and self-help. This is without even touching on how objectifying it is to treat women as simply a milestone for personal growth or social status.

So what do we do about this?

As leftists, we should start teaching not only boys, but all genders to be critical of messages they are fed about what gives them value, as a lot of the times it's coming from someone trying to sell them something, whether that's a bullshit $80 advice handbook, bullshit $80 beauty products, or isolation in the form of cutting off friends to start a family. I also think we should reach out to people in our lives that we are worried are dealing with internalized amatonormativity and challenge them on why they prioritize romance above all else. The second best time to start is today. Finally, we should be teaching people about the value and fulfillment that can come from community building and genuine friendships. Amatonormativity degrades these things, and it's important to push back on this

And if you are struggling with placing your self worth in sex and romantic relationships, I want you to ask yourself these questions:

Why do you place such a high importance on romantic relationships? Do you genuinely find romance interesting enough to prioritize it over things you are passionate about, or are you unsure?

Why do sex and relationships seem valuable to you? Whether you can think of an answer to the first part or not, is the way you value these things influenced by your upbringing?

What do you actually want for your life? Is a romantic relationship feasible at this moment with your goals? Can you wait to get into a relationship?

Self worth is not going to come through achievements, or connections, or conformity to social norms. Ultimately society will create a new insecurity for you to worry about once you've achieved the last "important" milestone. Connection and intimacy can come from many places, not just romantic relationships, and if you are more attached to the idea of being in a relationship than spending time with a person or people you care about regardless of your status with them, then you should probably spend some time exploring why that is before you make any decisions about getting into a relationship, because a relationship won't help you.

Also a few disclaimers real quick:

1. While I talk mostly about amatonormativity for cis men and boys in this post, it can definitely be applicable to everyone. Women and other people affected by misogyny are going to likely be affected by amatonormativity in unique ways, although I think most of it is relatable to everyone. We're in this fight together and I wish you luck ❤️

2. I am not in any way downplaying the beauty of romantic love by uplifting other forms of connection. I am currently in one romantic relationship and care a lot about my partner, but the important thing is that we came together because we care about each other and wanted our relationship to progress in that way, not because we felt like we had to. I might get into more romantic relationships in the future if time allows and I find the right people (polyamory moment).

3. I wrote this at 3 AM so keep that in mind if there's a ton of grammatical errors and none of this makes sense lol

[zerodaryls]

it's so funny (read: sad) that if bigoted fuckheads didn't insist i was a woman simply by virtue of my body at birth, i'd probably be chill with she/her pronouns in addition to he/they. if my mom didn't insist i was her daughter, i'd probably let her call me that, and we could still have a relationship.

i'm nonbinary and 'gendered' words are hypothetically meaningless, but because there are so many people who are more interested in telling me who i am rather than lovingly and curiously letting me express my own sense of self, those words carry trauma.

there's no reason a nonbinary person like myself can't be a son and a child and a daughter. there's no reason a nonbinary person like me can't go by he, they, and she.

'she' is not a slur. 'daughter' is not derogatory. 'beautiful' 'pretty' 'gorgeous' 'feminine' are not insults.

to the contrary, they're parts of language that express certain facets of a multi-faceted human existence, like mine.

and i have this sad, mournful feeling that if it weren't for unloving, condescending people, i'd probably be down to be called any of those things alongside my usual masculine/neutral terminology.

but i'd rather die than let anyone tell me what i have to be called.

[sproutzai]

the disorder faking in this generation is genuinely wild. like.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Mentors

[styona]

Oh, honey... I know, I do fucking know...

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

[alectoperdita]

Wish there were more joukai people to follow. Wish it didn't feel like a lot of people detest this ship.

[talentforlying]

john and his niece going for a walk, arm-in-arm, so gemma can confide in him about her ghost problem without worrying her mum......i'm severely unwell about them.

[buttercup-barf]

Under the cut are mostly self-insert doodles of decreasing quality. Again, not much directly tied to Team Fortress 2. Might as well toss these out while I have no access to my puter. Much yapping under the cut and in the tags incoming.

Another self-insert, this time less of a "here's me as a tenth class" and more of a "here's my game experiences translated into the class I would take the place of". The Cleaner. Although I guess they could still be wearing either suit. It doesn't matter that much.

That one Convict's Case taunt with Backup would be extremely funny, because the man would be on the verge of a breakdown (he does not want to go to jail so bad you have no idea). The second image- I owe no explanation. You know what I am. You see the pattern with my favourites.

The duality of the man. Resting face versus "just heard you express interest in religion/Russian folklore" face. He's not that hard to make friends with, when you pull him away from all the explosions.

Some doodles of trying to figure his face out. Unfortunately, the more I stare at him, the more I worry that he looks like A Certain Guy With The Last Name "Kazarin", and the fear of never being original in my life caught up to me.

Don't look at me, don't perceive me, I refuse to explain any of my actions to you.

[fluffypotatey]

If wukong told (lied) to macaque that he never cared about him, do you think that would make macaque even more aggresive or like shut down/be the final straw that finally makes macaque let go of wukong

so, just like my answer for whether macky would willingly erase swk from his life, I think this answer also depends on when in the show swk told macky this, and what better way to explain this than by going through each outcome per season :)

UNO

looking at s1, we meet a Macaroni who is very hellbent on killing (or at the very least, heavily damaging) SWK because he feels like the guy never truly gave a shit about him (<- my interpretation). thus, it is safe to assume that if Wukong were to laugh off Marnolo's hurt and anger and tell the guy that he never cared, Mac&cheese will only feel that his current assumptions of SWK are correct and that the guy only cares about himself and his image.

would he feel hurt about it? oh absolutely. maybe punch a wall, destroy the "dojo" he allegedly lives in in an outburst of power and anger. maybe scream and cry but be mad at his own tears (begin to wipe them away but is too hash so he scars himself and then can't stop bc he's very self-destructive)

DOS

technically, Wukong is MIA so this would never happen. BUT! have you considered!!! Wukong telling MK that Macdonalds was just some guy from his past, nobody super important, basically a nobody he wronged in his long list of enemies. which MK might possibly parrot back to Macadoo in 2x07

heavens above Marconi would be pissed.

forget trying to be a dick to MK and "teaching" him that his path of emulating Wukong has already made him forget his friends (untrue, but this is what i assume was Macky's interpretation of MK's actions since the guy didn't actively search for his missing friends, who MK thought left him on purpose).

nah, Macky is hunting SWK down. he is out for blood because "did i serious mean so little to you? were our nights under that tree sharing secrets, dreams, peaches fucking nothing to you?" (and idk....maybe after the air clears out, possibly, macky would realize SWK's true reason for being MIA and....help out???? mayhaps???....yeah, yeah, i know only in my dreams T^T)

TRES

ok, so we could technically say this sort of happened in ep1 when Sun Wukong said, "i thought it was someone important," and, "so what, you're her puppet now? i mean, makes sense. you always did have a sidekick kind of vibe."

and that is basically Wukong implying that he viewed his relationship with Macaque as one where he didn't consider Macky to be important to him, or someone he saw as a close friend. however, this is also a tactic Wukong uses against nearly every villain he interacts with, simply to get a rise out of them. so, pin that down as Wukong being observant enough to know which words to use to hurt.

AND Macky's reaction to it is him jumping out of his cool-ass looking jet and body-slamming the monkey king to the floor. so, uh, it is safe to assume that Macky was pissed off at Wukong's comment.

THUS! with that in mind, we can say that in this context, Macackle will be upset enough to fight him; however, if we were to consider the end of s3 (like Samadhi Fire ritual to the end) i would go with the option of Mackarell shutting down and feeling like that comment is the nail in the coffin for their relationship.

CUATRO

in s4? absolutely not. he would be dragging Wukong by the ear, demanding that he repeat what he said, ordering Wukong to try and convince himself that their past meant nothing while Macky still lives and breathes. and especially after the s4 special.

you could argue that Macky could shut down in the beginning of s4, but i think he'd probably laugh it off because he knows now that Wukong is lying. he's being his old deflective self and probably doesn't know where to place Macanoli in his head now that they're technically on better terms with LBD done with.

but after all the drama of going through SWK's memories? nuh uh, Wukong can't get out of this, nope. you handed iMac a chocolate peach popsicle. it is too late for you turn back and lie about your feelings. you can dig your grave and lie about it, but he's just gonna hit you right back with your own medicine and make you understand that if y'all truly want to reconcile, you cannot continue lying to yourself that you don't care.

not anymore.

so, anyway, i hope this answers your question, anon! i had a lot of fun running this question around in me braincage :3

[cluescorner]

Randomized Robins AU - Ages + Worst Trait Exercise:

Steph (25):

Says her worst trait is her murderous rages (she is exaggerating for dramatic/comedic effect, she’s killed 3 people tops and for very good reason)

Thinks her worst trait is her spitefulness (one of the few traits she definitely got from her father + one that prevents her from fixing her relationships and living her best possible life. She’ll refuse to interact with someone she dearly loves after an argument (happens significantly less after Tim’s death) or will say things she knows are hurtful just for the sake of having the last word. This trait will worsen in some ways as the list of people who have wronged her and those she loves grows, but will also ease up as she matures and realizes the harm it’s doing to her relationships with those she loves most.)

Her worst trait really is her spitefulness

Cass (26)

Says her worst trait is her self-righteousness (she believes that her goals are righteous and, as a result, she is righteous. Cass becomes very defensive whenever someone questions the mission and often does not second-guess herself. This is a trait she only develops later in life as she grows closer to Bruce/learns to understand herself more/starts to love herself more. But she knows she isn’t perfect and when somebody she trusts criticizes something she is doing she is willing to listen. She just usually isn’t the one to START the introspection.) 

Thinks her worst trait is her self-righteousness. 

Her worst trait actually is her obsessiveness (she gets it from Bruce and, while not as bad as him, she will easily become preoccupied with her night-life and the mission if someone isn’t there to pull her back. She will do this to the point of self-destruction and it hurts her relationships with the people she loves, especially Steph.)

Tim (24)

Says his worst trait is his spitefulness (he actively rejects the idea of mending his relationships with the older members of the family and this causes him to also lack good relationships with the younger ones)

Thinks his worst trait is his obsessiveness (similar to Cass, if he gets fixated on a task or idea he will neglect everything else in his life in order to dedicate more time to it. Unlike Cass, he will almost never be dragged away from it unless Pierrot snatches control of the body and forces them to take care of themself.)

His worst trait actually is how manipulative he is (the KING of guilt-tripping and using people’s emotions against them. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants, he’s not above crocodile tears. And he will do it to whoever he needs (or wants) to with little care for how his actions impact others.)

Pierrot (Insists: “Age doesn’t apply to me! And even if it did, I'd probably be the oldest. Or the youngest! I’d never be a middle child, though.” Mental assessments by the Bats have put him around 21, with a margin of error of 3 years. Pierrot has called this “blatant character assassination by my eternal rival!”)

Says his worst trait is that he is an irredeemable psychopath without any regard for the wellbeing of others (this is a lie and everyone who's important to him understands this). 

Thinks his worst trait is his parasitic nature (he literally would not exist had Tim not suffered the way he did. Plus he is a living reminder of one of the worst things that happened to many of his loved ones. He is a parasite injected into a functional person's body and contributes to his continued suffering. This is also a largely incorrect judgement of himself, caused by his actual worst trait.)

His worst trait actually is his limited sense of self (he doesn’t really know who he is outside of ‘inheritor to the legacy of the Joker (a man he despises yet also views as a father)’ and ‘chip in Tim’s brain that became sentient’. He slowly develops an identity over the course of his life and relationships with other people, but he lacks the foundations of identity that most people have. Pierrot will often almost become a caricature of himself and what others perceive him to be because it's the only person he knows how to be. This causes wild swings in how he behaves and relates to others, sometimes to the detriment of himself and others.)

Dick (17) 

Says his worst trait is his clinginess (he is a very extraverted person who likes to be around others, which mixed with his fear of abandonment after his parents died means that if he goes a few days without seeing/talking to a friend he will get very anxious.)

Thinks his worst trait is his anger issues (he gets ticked off very easily and will explode on people. He’s kind at his core and is usually very nice, but he has a temper that can escalate significantly. Spoiler (and later Twist) help him channel this anger into something positive.)

His worst trait actually is his anger issues.

Barbara (18)

Says her worst trait is her disability (internalized ableism, she thinks of herself as less valuable than the other Bats because she cannot be out there in the capes like they can. She will grow out of this as she matures and as she learns how invaluable her support for the team is.)  

Thinks her worst trait is her disability 

Her worst trait actually is her overly-independent nature (In an attempt to overcompensate for everything she can no longer do, she has resolved to do literally everything that she possibly can without any help from others. This results in many instances where she either takes on too much and winds up not being able to fully realize any of her tasks or where she makes her life and the lives of others significantly harder by refusing help when offered/not asking for it when she needs it.)

Damian (16)

Says his worst trait is his perfectionism (he is overly critical of both himself and others, taking any flaw or problem and amplifying it to an absurd degree. This is due in part to his life with the LoA (where even a brief misstep could lead to death), in part to how others treated him initially as Spoiler (any flaw was fixated on and used as a reason to either mistrust him or portray him as unworthy of the mantle), and in part due to the fact that he is Bruce’s son (the only person with worse perfectionism problems than Damian). Gradually, Damian has improved in this regard but it’s still a massive barrier to both his own happiness and his relationships with others.)

Thinks his worst trait is his perfectionism 

His worst trait actually is his perfectionism

Duke (16)

Says his worst trait is his definitely-real secret evil side (says this as a ‘my dad is a villain so who knows??’ joke)

Thinks his worst trait is his impulsivity in his words (Sometimes he will crack a joke or say a remark without thinking it through, leading to a LOT of hurt feelings and drama. He’ll say something without thinking it through and wind up seeming insensitive. This isn’t done because of malice, rather because Duke is someone who’s quick to act and speak. But while the mantle of Insight and his awakening powers have helped him with his actions, they do not always help with his loose tongue. As such, Duke gains an unfair reputation in the media as an instigator and will accidentally cause family drama through what he says.)

His worst trait actually is his impulsivity in his words

Jason (14)

Says his worst trait is his bad manners (he grew up on the streets and has no idea how rich-people society works, which he’s pretty insecure about considering he’s now the youngest kid of Bruce freaking Wayne). 

Thinks his worst trait is his reactiveness (Jason never got the privilege of planning ahead for various events in his life, so he instead needed to rely on being swift and harsh in how he could react to situations. It’s saved his life on multiple occasions and helps significantly in his role as Spoiler, but it can also lead to extreme overreactions (accidentally causing kidnapping scare after Jason ran away following a fight with Dick) and a struggle to plan things out ahead of time. As he grows more secure in his place in the family and in life, this trait will lessen but never fully dissipate.)

His worst trait actually is his reactiveness

[nevenne]

I am Thinking about how meryl knows wolfwood's story or at least some of it in tristamp. what are the Implications. how is that going to Pay Off

[savrenim]

not to be another donations post but you may remember how over the summer we had massive amounts of plumbing problems and other unexpected moving costs? well. after proceeding to work every single hour available to me for six months, take no holidays whatsoever, and budget the hell out of every aspect of my life, I was actually on track to pay everything back and maybe have a little bit of wiggle room by the time summer came around!

and then we got a call from the vet about routine labs saying that if we didn't take Suzy in to an emergency specialty hospital immediately, she would die within in a week, she might die anyways if we took her there, but it was our only chance to have a few more months with her. after an extremely difficult household discussion, we decided that we needed to do as much as we could for her. she's been a beloved member of the family for 18 years. we were not going to abandon her in her hour of need.

with two days at the specialty hospital, the prognosis was better than we could have possibly hoped! the most important thing is she does not have heart problems at all, which means that we can treat her chronic kidney disease with normal IV fluids and with careful treatment she could easily be with us for years to come. the timely intervention also may or may not have saved her from acute kidney failure too, we'll know when we go back to the vet on Wednesday to get her blood checked where her levels have stabilized at.

two days at the specialty hospital means we are also down $3652 , and no longer are on track to pay back everything by July when it comes due unless a couple of uncertain things going forward Go Right, I do not trust everything to Go Right, and we're also still uncertain about what long-term treatment going forward is going to cost.

I still have my ko-fi and my patreon, but honestly, I'm aware that everything is tight for everyone always and there are also a lot of causes that need money right now and in the face of that "hey my family went super out on a limb to try to save our cat and would love some help not falling off" feels kind of shallow. but like. not to sound dumb or like a youtuber or podcaster, but, like. honestly I think the Most Helpful Thing that anyone could do for me right now is take a fucking HelloFresh link that will send you a "free" box for cost-of-shipping ($7ish?) if you Sign Up For An Account that you can then cancel Immediately After The Box Has Shipped and Never Give Them Any More Money Than That and get Six To Ten Meals Out Of It, and for getting someone to "sign up", they will give me a free box too. like. if 13 people are willing to take a link then I don't need to worry about food for the next three months. which would be. HUGE.

so I guess.... dm me if you want a link? otherwise expect to see a lot of promotion of my writing/ patreon as I scramble the hell to try to make this money up

[the-rogue-mockingjay]

"Hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling in the cavalry."

alternatively titled: haha get supported idiot !!

Tinkering with my Bozja canon, and well. O'ravi's friends aren't about to let her try fighting a war alone

[lostlegendaerie]

there's been some drama(tm) around someone I follow, and without getting to into the situation I'd just like to remind people this;

if someone doesn't like you, they will make up reasons to justify their feelings.

What is 'outgoing and friendly' to one person might be 'abusive lovebombing' to another. 'Willingness to discuss issues' could be turned into 'confrontational and argumentative.' It is not possible to be perfect and to fit everyone's expectations of a good person; especially not in online spaces where tone and context are easily stripped away.

Just do what you can to be good to the people who matter to you and who give you the grace to recover or correct your mistakes. Find your audience and play to them. Serenity prayer, juiciest peach, etc.

[arttrampbelle]

We support the real shang tsung around here. I'm not sorry.

You know....the villain/antagonist og himself? You know when shang wasn't a pushover? You know when people actually was fucking scared of this sassy sinister bitch?

Yeah.

I will continue to be mad,and hate nrs. Die mad at me all you want. Idgaf anymore.