#self healers

[worldwidewandress]

self care

I took care of myself and it wasn't beautiful. I took care of myself by looking at the overdue bills in my face even though it hurt. I took care of myself by crying ugly through therapy session and made another appointment for next week. I took care of myself by writing down every bad memory in detail then read it out loud. I took care of myself by doing it the other way even though it was scary. I took care of myself by cutting off all my dead ends and let go. I recycled. I took care of myself by facing it. And I saw it. God, I saw it all. And I screamed and sobbed and begged it to stop but it didn't, and thank God for it. I rediscovered myself. I apologized to all my friends I didn't have the energy to talk to. God bless their hearts. I took care of myself and it wasn't bubble baths and fancy products. It was uncomfortable, scary, and dark. Because where shadows meet light, darkness holds the key. Taking care of myself wasn’t beautiful, but I am, and it didn’t have to be beautiful to be worth it.

m.

[eyesaremosaics]

Limerance

/ˈlimər(ə)ns/

nounPSYCHOLOGY

1. the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

When your heart is heavy from years of unhealed trauma, romantic obsession can feel like the brand new adventure that you have craved for so long. The high can be likened to that of a drug. When reality has so often hurt and disappointed you, the world of your imagination can become a place of refuge. Suddenly, every minuscule interaction can feel profound and deeply spiritual.

I have been both on the giving and receiving end of this phenomenon. Though my situation was tempered with complicated factors, I can honestly say limerance is something I have experienced more than once.

Have you ever had a relationship (or perceived relationship) where the other person rarely interacts with you, but the few times that they do, causes you to fall into this fantasy of what the relationship could/would be like if this person suddenly became emotionally available to you?

My first time encountering limerance, was when I was about 12 or 13 years old. There was a boy in my class, who always stared at me. To the point where it made me very uncomfortable. Another boy in my class, told me they overheard him sexualizing me to other boys in the locker room, expressing explicit things he wished to do with me.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, talking about sex made me vomit. In fact, most of my life I have had to be high or drunk to go through with sexual activity. That is something I still work through, even with a loving and devoted partner.

To return to the point, I was very upset that this person (who I was timidly trying to develop a friendship with) was talking this way and thinking of me like this behind my back. I felt violated. As a result, I was cruel in my rejection of him. Ever since I was a child, I preferred to be in my imagination where no one could hurt me, and found real people as intrusions.

I have regrets about being so unkind. Not just to him, but to many other people who sought connection with me in my childhood. I was too hurt and wounded to trust people easily. My cold indifference to others was the heavy armor I wore.

This boy had an unhealthy obsession with me though. He saw me as his dream girl, and put me on a pedestal, wrote me letters in blood about how I ripped apart his soul etc. —which made me very uncomfortable. I remember even writing him back once when I was 14 or 15 years old, expressing to him that I have never spoken more than a few sentences to him in my entire life, and he can’t possibly feel as strongly about me as he did.

He wrote me back trying to rationalize all the reasons why we were made for each other etc. He went on and on about all that we had in common, and all his predictions about me coming true. “It never stopped. It still hasn’t.” I remember being weirded out, but shrugging it off and returning to my life.

I don’t know what it is about me, but I have had at least 7 stalkers in my life. Men who fell in love with the “image” or the “idea” that they projected on me, and not the reality. I still contend with some of these people trying to contact me from time to time, but knowing that silence is also an answer, has me hoping that silence will be enough to dispel the illusion. What you feed thrives, what you starve, dies.

To summarize this story quickly, I ended up running into the same boy again at a party when we were 18. The creepiest part is that he fashioned himself into a sort of… male version of me. He said he grew his hair out to feel “closer” to me, and used to sit and stare at my picture in the yearbook etc. He wrote all this poetry about me, made all this art dedicated to me. I was overwhelmed by the attention and interest.

I had been in love with a different boy all through high school, one who was also my best friend. The boy I loved, never returned my feelings to the same degree, and this rejection sent me into a spiral of self loathing and deep depression for years to come.

Emotional neglect and abuse in my childhood, led me to fear abandonment, and develop anxious attachments. With all that being said, at 18 years old, having a boy who was seemingly so in love with you and all about you—was very appealing. So I jumped from one unhealthy relationship into another.

After 7 years of pining over me, he finally had me, and once he did—the spell of limerance was broken. You see, what this boy felt for me was not love. It was limerance. He projected a fantasy relationship onto me as a way to escape from his own trauma. Even though this person turned out to be a truly evil person in the end, I will not sink so low as to divulge any of his personal traumas here. Needless to say—there were many traumas that helped create the person he became. He developed a personality disorder to cope with his childhood. Narcissists are made, not born. They are usually born from neglect.

This is where the limerance began for me. Though to be honest, I did experience it with my first love as well. My first love did care about me, I know that for sure as we developed a deep abiding friendship with him afterwards that was totally platonic. However, in the throes of first love, I definitely projected a lot of wishful thinking and obsessive thought onto him.

Going back to this other boy: soon as he had me in real life—he no longer wanted me. He realized that I was a flawed human being, just like everyone else. This shattered the fantasy image he had in his head. The challenge was over, and he withdrew.

Since he is a narcissist, he toyed with my affections for fun. Narcissists have no core self and need to thrive off of others energy. My “love” for him seemed to fuel him (or so ex girlfriends of his have told me). He didn’t want to be with me, because he enjoyed seeing me in pain too much, and also most importantly—because he didn’t love me. Yet I held onto the crumbs, held on to hope. It didn’t help that he kept leaving crumbs (intentionally I’m sure) for me to follow. To keep him on my radar. That’s what abusers do.

It was safe to retreat to my room, to listen to sad songs that made me think of him, to make art to process my feelings, to fantasize and live in the few good moments that we shared. Cradling them like fragile eggshells in my hand. Living in the spiritual realm where we could actually be together and care for each other.

It took me years of therapy and study of psychology to understand what happened in this situation. It did real damage to me for many years. Luckily I came out the other side, and can now look back on this situation with love and empathy for myself—and even for him.

Truthfully, I find him to be rather pitiful. He will never know real love or friendship, and I truly feel sorry for him. I know he wasn’t born evil. I saw these glitches of who he could have been, otherwise I never would have had feelings for him. It’s a shame he chose not to develop his better qualities. He fell hard into evil and destruction. What a waste. Just goes to show you how he really feels about himself, if his greatest joy in life is trying to make others miserable.

His manipulations may have worked in his twenties, but now he’s in his 30s, and it’s getting harder for him to “turn the trick” as they say. He has always had a penchant for manipulating young girls, that shows you his level of emotional maturity right there.

I did the work. I looked honestly at myself and healed all my wounds. I cleaned up my act and got my life together. I have a loving partner, I got promoted at both my jobs, pulling in good money, living in a two bedroom flat in the city, driving a BMW, modeling for famous designers, traveling to new places, making a living off my tarot… I’ve built a beautiful and exciting life for myself. A life full of love, friendship, creativity, and adventure. He has not been able to do that from what I gather from mutual friends and acquaintances. It’s sad.

Looking back I relate this relationship to the moon card in the tarot. The meaning of this card is duplicitous, for the romantic state can be one of inspiration—but also illusion. The true meaning of the card is to be your authentic self, as opposed to being your dutiful self or fulfilling a role in others expectations of you.

His case was very clearly limerance, since we had no relationship and no real contact at the time he was experiencing it. For me it was more complicated, because at the point I was experiencing it, we already had a 7-8 year history. At that point we had been intimate on multiple occasions, and he lied to me saying we were in a relationship and that he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me. Later he dropped me like a hot rock to go back to this underage girl. Real winner this guy, how I never saw the signs, I dunno.

After he broke things off with me, he still tried to encourage my feelings by sending me texts like: “you’re beautiful and constantly in my thoughts”. Or trying to poke at me on social media, message me occasionally etc. He even would come around once in a while and hang out with me or sleep with me, knowing I was infatuated and wouldn’t say no.

So my limerance was based on years of inconsistent interaction, intermittent reinforcement as they call it. The link to my article in intermittent reinforcement can be found HERE. However, the truth of it was, this person is incapable of real human emotions, but worse than that—he didn’t actually care for me at all. He used me to satisfy his own sexual desires, but mainly to stroke his ego, to feed off my energy.

I would have been able to cut ties with him years prior if it weren’t for the dreams. We did seem to share an almost psychic connection, and shared dreams in tandem on more than one occasion. He and I both experienced this, and it’s the only reason I put up with the BS for so long. It caused me to see meaning in every little interaction we had, it had me fantasizing about this great “Dracula-esque” kind of love I thought we both wanted.

The truth was, I found meaning when there wasn’t any, and in my loneliness and unhealed trauma I escaped into my fantasy world. It was safer there. Now I won’t sugar coat it, this guy was downright abusive and cruel to me. Regardless if he felt that way about me or not, he could have let me down gently and then ceased all contact instead of returning over and over trying to stir up my feelings and abandon me again.

However, hurt people—hurt people as they say. I still don’t hate him, even though I probably should. I don’t hate anyone really, it’s just not in my nature to do that. There are people I really dislike because of how they treat me or others, who I don’t want contact with, but I don’t hate them.

He wasn’t the only person I experienced this with, as I said—my first love, along with a boyfriend I broke up with in 2016. It was an old habit of mine to pine and wallow and dream of how it could all be beautiful if it weren’t for this or that. I tended to romanticize relationships after they were over. It took me years to realize what I was doing, and now that I know there is a name for it, I feel suddenly free.

I’ve been in a healthy relationship for three years now, with a partner who actually loves and cares about me. Who sees me and wants to see more. Who loves me in spite of my faults, as I do in turn. It’s my first time experiencing an equal relationship. Usually the power balance was off. In the past I dated guys who were a lot older than me, 4-18 years older on one occasion. Most of these relationships were controlling and abusive, I was just too down on myself to see it. The bittersweet ones were relationships that were simply incompatible abd crumbled apart eventually. In many situations my fear of abandonment caused me to stay in unhealthy relationships waaay too long.

The reason I am sharing my experience today, is because I hope it resonates with anyone out there experiencing this “obsessive love” for another person.

No you’re not a freak.

No you’re not stupid.

What you are is human, a human who has had a lot of trauma in their life, and is experiencing a very common phenomena among people with CPTSD or anxious attachment. It’s very common for children who were neglected emotionally, to escape into their imagination to get the support they are not getting in real life.

I likened the feeling I experienced in this limerant state, to be walking in the land of the dead. In the same way that you cannot actually experience those who have died except in your imagination … it is the same with this person you are projecting your feelings on. Nothing can grow, or truly exist, because you are walking in the land of the dead. Living in the past, sometimes a past that wasn’t even real.

Have compassion for yourself. Be gentle with your heart as it heals. Know that there are real people here on earth, in the land of the living, who want to love and experience you. There are real men and women looking for the same deep level of connection that you are seeking, but you will never meet them with your head in the clouds.

Brutal honesty with oneself is the key to breaking this spell. It will hurt at first to tell yourself the truth. Deep down, you know. You know this isn’t right. You know you shouldn’t be feeling like this. Love is not supposed to hurt. It’s a beautiful, splendid thing that lifts you up and brings out the best in you. Love is magical, and it truly is all anyone needs.

As I said before, change is hard, sitting with the reality of the situation, the cold unvarnished truth, will hurt. You will be disillusioned, and you may even experience an existential emptiness as I did, but you will heal. You will meet others who will see you, who want to know you, and love you. You’ll be surprised how quickly it happens once you start believing in and standing up for yourself.

If something feels off, it probably is, and you have always had the power inside you to leave. It was in you all along. You have the power to say: you know what? This doesn’t work for me. I deserve better treatment than this. I deserve to love and be loved in return. You have the power to walk away and never look back. With practice, you will get there.

After living in this energy for 15 years, I am living proof you can and will survive it. If I could do it, so can you.

Bright blessings, and oceans of love 💕

-Megan

[zuvluguu]

[katfreee]

Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve

[classycookiexo]

THIS

I’m gonna need some girls to release themselves from the shackles of “healer”

Babe, you weren’t sent to heal anyone nor is it your obligation…….let it go babes, being the “cleanup” or “fix it” woman isn’t going to do you any good

[astrogirlythings]

I wish someone said this to me :

Don't worry too much about the score.. just give ur best.

Please eat. Starving urself won't make u thin.

Enjoy ur dessert. This dessert won't destroy ur diet.

Cheat days r important.. don't be too hard on urself.

U will find someone better than him. U will find someone who cares about how they make u feel.

The one who is right for u.. will be braver than that.. he will fight for u.

U will find a better family than that. They were too shallow for u..

It's their loss that they didn't have u as their daughter-in-law.

Ur work really improved.. keep going.

U r in ur most perfect shape. Good job.

We all really care about u. I hope that u r doing ok..

**hug**

Ur mom would be so proud of u.

(I just wanted to vent. Please just ignore this post.)

I hope I made someone's day special. ❤️😊

[leonieanderson]

And in the end, we all just want to be loved.

[zuvluguu]

[wordswithloveee]

[vedicinsights]

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATION PART 20

People with the Moon conjunct the nodes experience a karmic combination that reveals the soul's purpose in the present life, especially when the conjunction occurs in the 1st or 10th house.

Those with Rahu conjunct the Moon often pursue technical fields but struggle with emotional needs, which should be balanced by considering the influence of Ketu in the chart.

On the other hand, individuals with the Moon conjunct Ketu tend to gravitate toward psychology and people management. Their soul's purpose is often to heal others, whereas Rahu's influence, being opposite, needs to be adjusted to prevent overindulgence and obsession with people.

LET ASTROLOGY CHOOSE YOU

[sketchesinstillness]

Happy #internationalcatday

[serenityreikiclinic]

You have the knowledge to heal yourself.

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Let’s Talk About: The Root Chakra

The root chakra is the first chakra, associated with the color red, and rules your tailbone, feet and glutes (the part of you that touches the ground when you walk or sit).

The root chakra governs your groundedness and feeling safe in your body and environment. It’s what helps you feel rooted and stabilized. It quite literally roots your energy into the planetary grid. Think of your root chakra as the metal conductors on a plug and how when you connect it to the wall socket a flow of energy is formed. That’s how the root chakra works with your own energy.

Root Chakra Blockages

Blockages can occur when your safety is threatened—abuse, physical assaults, being stalked, living around unstable people or in unstable conditions, to name a few. Or when your space, autonomy, or rights are violated—sexual assault or similar things.

You may also struggle with root chakra imbalances if you struggle to ground your energy through your full system, ie your energy is sort of stuck in the crown. That’s why spiritual people say it’s important to ground yourself. You can get so crown heavy you disconnect from your body and struggle to move or operate it. This has happened to me.

As a naturally spiritual person, I actually struggle to move my energy down to my root. Especially because my way of dealing with not feeling safe was to escape into daydreams or to go find somewhere to hide alone. I’m used to keeping my energy up higher, in my crown and third eye, where it’s safer. As I’ve been healing I’ve consciously been pushing my energy down. It usually gets blocked starting at throat chakra then down.

Signs of Root Chakra Imbalances:

— feeling spacy or unable to focus (struggling to ground the energy from your mind)

— feeling separate from your body or dissociation (struggling to ground due to a disconnect in your flow of energy through your energetic field)

— feeling paranoid about your safety, or like thinking people are out to get you, being so worried about someone breaking into your house, etc. (not grounding into the safety of this now moment via your mental body)

— shutting down, if you freeze or shut down in response to conflict or other triggering, this is a sign of root chakra imbalance at the point of entry of the root chakra

— anxiety, aka excessive fear about things outside of your now moment

— lower back pain or feet and ankle issues

How to Heal Your Root Chakra:

— somatic exercise, specifically yoga around hip opening exercises, and thigh stretching, stretching of the glutes, this can carry a lot of trauma associated with the root chakra

— eating root vegetables

— walking barefoot on the ground

— sitting and meditating on the ground, connect the palms of your hands to the ground and imagine energy flowing up through you from all the skin contact you make with the ground, lying down will be the most contact

— spending time outside

— eating heavy food or wearing heavy clothes (since root chakra imbalances struggle to ground you, eating things or wearing things that add weight can force you down too—that’s how weighted blankets work. They weigh the person down so they can feel more safe when they are having anxiety aka a root chakra imbalance because anxiety is rooted in fears that are usually not present at the moment

— building muscle, again adds weight and can make you feel more grounded in your body

— surround yourself with the color red and things that light you up with passion

[positivelypositive]

🌱

healing isn't linear...

...and sometimes the lows might overshadow the highs.

in those moments, hang in there. remember that there is a limit. nothing is endless.

not even the lows. the highs will reappear. it's just a matter of waiting it out ✨

[spiritchill]

Grow with the flow. ❤️✨

[sleepyorchidmonster]

If Riddle were to ever act as a healer in-game, it'd be funny if he acted a bit like Hu Tao, as in sacrificing HP to boost damage, only to get an emergency heal when things get tough.

He'd be one of those healers that rush into danger, using healing spells to stitch themselves back together from the brink of death before going back into the fray and dishing out even more damage...

Bonus imaginary DnD session:

Riddle: Alright, my character suffered a critical injury once again, but there's no time to waste! I'll just cast "Flower Gleam and Glow" an--

Cater: STOP! YOU'RE NOT FIGHTING ANYMORE!! TIME OUT!!

Riddle: Whatever do you mean by that?!?

Azul: Riddle, you can't just waltz into a fight and keep getting mortally wounded. You're the only one in this party that can heal, and that's not even your PRIMARY CLASS!!

Riddle: I understand that, but why are you all so desperate? I've only used this strategy a couple of-

Ortho: 17.

Riddle: !?

Ortho: You've revived your character from the brink of death after rushing into battle 17 separate times during this session.

Riddle: Oh...

Riddle: Well that won't do!

Riddle, grabbing the dice: I need an even number that's divisible by four! Let's make it TWENTY!!

Everyone: NO!!