#seeking a life purpose

[the-void-and-the-mirror]

A Sense of Purpose

My entire life, I've fought to find what my calling is. Who I'm supposed to be, what I can capitalise on to make money with. I had hobbies, interests, and many little bits of inspiration that could have been "the reason I was put here". I use quotations for the last part as I don't know if I truly believe in a divine purpose anymore. But instead have fluctuated my thinking to "what would I be happy doing?"

Because my parents had always shat on what I said I wanted to do that didn't align with what they thought of me. I was interested in soldering and electricity for a bit, they were thrilled. But when I said I wanted to study bugs, I was told that it was a stupid hobby and to find something else. My interests never seemed to last long, and I felt intrinsically broken because I couldn't find something I loved to do enough to stick with it. Of course, my parents berated me along the entire way. Even when I was an adult and said I wanted to be an archaeologist, maybe, I was told I couldn't commit because I always dropped the hobbies they were interested in me keeping. And because my parents weren't supportive unless it looked good to them, finding anything that could maintain my interest or made me genuinely happy felt like grasping at straws. I couldn't find the things I liked because I had no idea what I liked. And the things I did find to "like" I wanted to maintain as purely hobby, because trying to push things into the "I want to make money on it" box often made my love for them die quickly.

I was good at editing and writing, but having to commit to them made me frustrated altogether. And honestly, I like writing for fun, not money. But it did inspire a bit in acting, so I took up voiceacting. And that's also a fun hobby, but I don't expect to be good enough to make money on it anytime soon, if at all. I know where I stand on it. But the thing is that I started following those little sparks of interest, to see where they lead. Because I was so desperate to find what I would want to do with my life so I wouldn't be damned to a world of jobs I hate. I wanted to make a difference, but cashiering isn't a difference that works for me. I'd get bored and miserable so quickly. So I had to find what I could do with the rest of my life.

I started by giving myself permission to find new things and to fail at them. But learning new things I wasn't "naturally gifted at" was difficult. I'm still trying to learn the bass. I want to. But sitting down and doing the actual learning is something I have to let myself sit down for, and it's hard to roll over to. I took questionnaires of passion and personality, and every one of them said I like to work with people. Which was always obvious to me. But depending on the settings, it could be equally as terrifying and unsatisfying. And everything I tried, I couldn't find the right kind of "purpose" in. I worried that maybe I was being intentionally difficult with myself, or maybe the thing that would make me endlessly happy to do doesn't exist. I wasn't denying that I could have bad parts of a job. But perhaps my expectations on a job that didn't make me feel miserable at some point was perhaps that itself could not exist.

I observed so many careers that worked with people, and all of them required schooling that I didn't have patience for. Many with a bachelors, but the ones I really had interest in required a Master's or higher. I live in the US, so taking school means a lifetime of debt. I can't just try classes to see what resonates, either. So if I had to go to school, I absolutely had to make sure I could tolerate the path to get there. And it was a very daunting path. But nothing I looked at was enough. Nothing called me enough to take the plunge. And I was so terrified of the plunge, because what if I decided I didn't like it at all part way through? I'd be in masses of debt with nothing to show.

I don't remember how I stumbled acrost it, but I found I was happiest giving others advice. I was always told by friends and loved ones (that weren't my parents) that I was insightful and gave perspectives they never thought of. And somehow, when that clicked, I did as much digging as I could to find ways to become someone who deals in life advice. I thought maybe to become a beautician, as someone you could talk to as a trusted friend, and I could give those words out more easily, and similar passions that were short-lived for that just-right fit. Eventually I found Life Coach, and it sounded perfect. It wasn't mandatory to go to classes, but I felt spending a few thousand dollars on a certification course would be worth it. Six months of school was easy. I got certified and was proud! But doing events to pull my own clients in is a bit of work I'm not quite ready for. So I started to further my journey.

I have many people who have supported my journey of discovery and my determinations of what I should become to make my dreams come true. At one point, I had decided to become some form of drama therapist (one of the ones that required a Master's) and had started conversations with one who could link me locally to making it happen. But, it wasn't long before I stopped responding. I withdrew. The thought of school too daunting, and when I stood at the edge to start, I simply couldn't. I couldn't find the will to follow through with it. The same happened when I decided to become a school counselor (a more gentle Bachelor's degree). When it came time to put plan into action, I stagnated. Something always told me this wasn't the "just right fit" I had hoped for.

My worries returned tenfold. Am I damned to do jobs that I hate for the rest of my life? I'm highly neurodivergent. I have ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder (in all manners of the word. From textures, sounds, scents, and not being able to tolerate even fitting clothes), generalised anxiety disorder, have a hard time learning cues and being able to read between the lines of neurotypical expressions, and mistaking words for another meaning. If people weren't direct with me, and I always made that known to my employer, then I was going to fail. And that's not to mention a bajillion allergies I have thanks to chronic illness. I had a hard time keeping jobs throughout my attempts at a career. Except for jobs that made me miserable and took a heavy toll on my mental health. Because I can work, I would never qualify for disability. And that was even more worrying. When I accepted a career coaching job that I thought aligned perfectly, and then started becoming heavily criticized for not being able to do the job they wanted exactly, I became bogged down by that very fear: I can't find a job that makes me happy that would possibly want to keep me. I sobbed to my boyfriend about these fears, that I was inherently useless in an ableist society, because they wouldn't work with me to work with them. I couldn't stand the thought of doing the things that made me miserable to earn money even in my most desperate times anymore.

That's when it finally snapped. I refused to take work that made me miserable anymore. With my boyfriend's support, both financially and emotionally, I accepted unemployment (that I still haven't gotten the payment for, since it now takes a full three months for it to activate) and began searching for jobs that would grant me happiness. I looked at things I longed for that would accept my certifications, to new things that I might be interested to try. In the middle of November, I got a call for one of the new ones: Parks and rec. The phone interview went beautifully, and she was impressed with my answers on working with children. I was offered the job immediately, and I accepted. However, with all the paperwork, I only just started this past week. My main job is an after-school program with grade-schoolers. But my job also hosts events throughout the city.

When I went in to finish that paperwork, I was told about uniforms. I told her I was willing to pay for a tailor-made uniform to my specifications, and revealed my SPD to her and how I was trying to get treatment for it. She told me she didn't want me to pay out of pocket for that kind of thing, and that she would work with me on it. The more I talked to her, the more I realised she was accepting, so I got a little bold and revealed my transgender status. She welcomed it with open arms. And the kids call me "Mr. FirstName" with my preferred name. And it's so euphoric and humouring to listen to little kids say "she - I mean HE!" to me as they try to correct themselves. The few days I've worked, I see they give everyone their best chance. They hire others with gender diversity, trans and not, others with disabilities and encouraging them in their best way. And everyone just being so supportive of each other and doing their best to help these children out, but also help each other succeed. And at this past weekend's event, where I cheered kids on to eat smores and ask how they liked their marshmallows toasted, dancing to get attention (and keep myself from just standing still because standing still is absolute torture to me), and just genuinely interacting with others, I felt it. It finally clicked. I LOVE this job. I found something I could do for the rest of my life; it's fun, always changing, interesting, supports creativity and celebrates individuality. I love my job, and the people I work with. I called my boyfriend after the event in tears of joy. I want to be a beacon to people who are different, encourage them to be themselves, and support ideas and individuality too. I found my purpose. And I get to keep my hobbies on the side too, or implement them just as much as I want.

I know I'm lucky, that I'm a rare story here. But I also want to share with all of you that it's possible. I found happiness, with all of my problems and differences, that lets me be me and accepted for it. These things exist. And it doesn't have to be a job for sure. But if you're like me, dreading the existence of working because of how different you are and that no employer cares to understand you and how you can do your best, even when you give them the guidelines to help you succeed at what they want done, just know that it exists. That there is something you can do that will make you infinitely happy. Or even if you don't know what you want to do with your life, that you're damned to a life of school and debt to just find your passion, it's okay to start small. Find those little things that give you passion into your life, and crosscheck them to see if that's something you want to do to make your living. Or even if they're something you just want to keep on the side. Your passions can belong to different things.

And your passions don't even have to be your job. Something like helping others through a little blog that says, "I'm here and I see you; I understand you. And you're not alone."

[sysig]

Let him dad her!! (Patreon)

[just-a-little-anxious]

The minecraft movie teaser upset me so much that i had to go lay in bed and daydream my own version of the movie

[nyaskitten]

Hmmm Djinn magic seems very harm and curse oriented, Howlers are beings whose sole purpose is to hunt and scream at you a lot, Djinn are tied to the ghosts and Cursed Realm, Hazza D'ur, despite being only a skeleton, has the eerie ghostly glow Ninjaghosts have, Bansha's purpose is to hunt and scream at you a lot... there's certainly a puzzle to be pieced together but the puzzle is very rough and blurry...

[ghost--bot]

this is the dedication i want to see in my followers. and by dedication i mean madness

[franeridan]

Thinking about the paths in hsr and how some inform so much about the characters once you figure out the logic behind them, and specifically about ratio longing for nous's recognition but following lan's path - he's obviously a scholar, so him being an erudition character would have made a lot of sense when you don't think too deeply about it, but despite characters with less ties to knowledge walking that path ratio does not. He follows the path of the hunt. And that's a very cool fact about him imho

During his quest screwllum says that more than a scholar he feels like ratio's a doctor with the way he tries to cure people of their ignorance, which isn't strictly wrong and I love that about him (and I love about screwllum that he thinks so poetically too), but the way I see it ratio really is a hunter. He does follow lan's path, when you think about it. His travels are all about his fight against ignorance, after all. Thinking about him and his relationship to the aeons really put a lot of things about the paths into perspective for me - I thought the paths were somewhat more literal, but after all it's about the driving force behind a character's actions, is it not?

Nous is the unrelenting pursuit of the truth, of knowledge and information, and that's why someone like argenti follows that path despite being the furthest thing from a scholar you could think of - his travels are first and foremost about finding the truth about idrila, after all. On the other hand ratio isn't actively devoting his life to finding a truth or amassing more knowledge, and that's why nous won't look at him. He is extremely intelligent and competent, and he does value learning above all else, but his main pursuit is to use that knowledge to rid the universe of ignorance, and that's why he follows lan's path - the hunt is the path of those devoting their life to fighting against something, in the end, be it a literal enemy or a figurative one.

It's really really interesting to me? There's a ton of characters that are given depth by understanding their path, I love to think about it

[lavampira]

rahalia howl’s moving castle au. and post

[blujayonthewing]

I've thought a lot about the several thousand year old gnome druid we met who was just bitter and jaded and had spent most of those millennia sitting in one place not doing anything in particular except mourning her tiefling wife who'd died millennia ago, and how disgusted and infuriated with her melliwyk is, personally but also as a gnome herself-- and I'm thinking about it again like. honestly I think it goes beyond general cultural values; that level of willful ongoing stagnation and joyless nihilism is probably completely seriously a gnomish sin

[simpleman193]

This has been pressing on my mind, so I hope it can be useful for some of you.

It's so easy to get lost on this wave of hypermasculinity, it can be very compelling, but it is just vanity, appearances and aesthetic. Young men get worried about getting a more chiseled jawline, defined abs, better muscle definition, beards and what not, and while these things might grant you a masculine look, they do not make you a man.

Wide shoulders, big chest muscles, veiny forearms and whatever might make a girl feel safer around you, but don't confuse looking good with being good in combat.

And it's important to point out, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting this or looking after yourself, but these things shouldn't drive your actions or be you main focus. We need men of value, of valor and strength, men of wisdom and character, not the appearance of a man but the content of vanity and selfishness.

But there's a very strong trend out there which can easily pull young boys to such a path, after all it's trendy and get girls' attention.

This is a lesson I've learned from my father a very long while ago, there will always be someone who is more, more what you might ask, more of whatever trait you use to define yourself, money, height, jawline, deep voice, how far you can spit, it doesn't matter, there's always going to be someone who is more, and if you let these things define you, when you encounter it, you either hate them, of shut yourself down, none of those are good paths.

The world doesn't need any "Giga Chad Bull Hyper Ultra Masculine Plus Advanced" we need good men and women who are willing to learn and grow and look beyond themselves. It might not look like much at first, but being a good man is a worthy goal, and it doesn't have to be what this person or that defines it as good man, you will have your own path and lessons to take.

Learn, grow, help others, look at the world around you, seek the truth, not being right, seek strength not the appearance of it, seek true beauty, not just to feed your own vanity. We need Good Men, not the empty shell of the appearance of masculinity.

Anyway, that's my two cents on the matter, hope this helps and God bless all of you out there.

[majorasnightmare]

sits here thinking about all the fic ideas i have for my durge and isobel and punches a hole in the drywall because i have unmedicated Cant Focus Disorder

[lemonduckisnowawake]

TMW a story you started to read for the screwball comedy of errors starts to become a thematic exposition on how, no matter how much you think you're a nobody, that if you have power, your actions will always have consequences. Yes, not all the things done are your responsibility - especially when other people commit them in your name - but if they were following the example you publicized (as opposed to your real self), then you for sure need to take responsibility. And perhaps that power you wield can become a fatal weapon or something you use to prove your superiority over those who don't. But maybe what power first and foremost of all is, is a gift given with a request that you be responsible for it, something that you need to own so you can either give back or simply understand how to manage it so you can live your life properly.

[writing-nabi]

I wanted to live,

But it wasn't a need.

I wanted to smile,

Wanted a good life to lead.

Life doesn't come easy you know,

I know cause I had to plead.

I begged, and cried,

Only to come to an end & regret everything I did.

[spamtoon]

(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)

Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...

Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!

(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)

I know what you are.

Farewell, now!

(She then leaves the way she came from.)

(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)

And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...

(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)

You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?

I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.

(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)

Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way

(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)

Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.

WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.

Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever

[mermaidsirennikita]

Controversial opinion but I actually don’t really think that sex scenes need to serve a purpose~ (I think that they almost always do, but whatever).

[our-inspire-verse]

Simon speaking! 6 days since i formed. I thought since everyone has been begging me in the system to talk on here that i would update or something.

My name is Simon Petrikov, i am a fictive from Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake specifically. I don't know how my story ends and I'm excited to see the finale on screen in a couple weeks or. Whenever. I'm not sure what to include first.

Um, i know that I'm a subdued energy in the body, and when i do feel a rise, it's usually from anger. When someone like Mitten gets intense, it's joy or love. I've noticed i have a lot of sadness and anger. Not to say "I'm a sad angry alter" or "i can't be happy" because. That is one major difference from my source so far. My overall voice and behavior is similar, but i dont come from a, what i call a self-tragic place. A sort of negativity that ruins anything for myself, self hatred, hatred of the world around me.

I'm so lucky to be in the system I'm in, i can recognize it. Existence has been incredibly hard. Being in a body with its pros and cons, being in this dimension, this lifetime, this vessel and world. And yet, i share this system and body with Zim. With Mitten and Kiba. These beings of warmth and love and light, that's basically just. Their whole thing, and they practice it and learn it and take pride in it. I'm a tired old man, i think that's my system role. Probably why Alder and Zim latched on the way they did those first days. Probably why I'm so. Low energy? Lax? Monotone?

Strange. But im settling in. Soon, i should dare to draw myself a new simplyplural profile. Drawing is surprisingly easy these days. I assign myself to work an hour, and i do. Mitten is so entranced by it that she rarely speaks up. I ask her about it, and she shakes her head and trails off, responding in some muted positive way. Watching. I'm not sure about her, just in the way that i don't know what her actual motives and hopes are. What is she going to do next? Who is she really? What is she going to BE next?

Anyway, this isn't about her, it's about me. I'm happy to be here. I think i finally, sorta comprehend existing on this plane, in this meat. It's good. Not everything is perfect, and there's some pain and grief i have to watch over for the others while im here, but it is nothing comparatively. I can handle this. And i have Mitten, Zim and Kiba for the ride.

[gentlethorns]

god i forgot what it feels like to really be INVOLVED in a story. to have it brewing in the back of your mind on a simmer instead of some spontaneous combustion infatuation that eventually burns down to a dead end. it is so fulfilling knowing i'm going to go home from work and jump back into it, and to know exactly my next step. i genuinely have not felt this way about writing since high school like i'm healed