#the detachment and the memories and the. changes. perspectives. loss of identity and maybe purpose

[our-inspire-verse]

Simon speaking! 6 days since i formed. I thought since everyone has been begging me in the system to talk on here that i would update or something.

My name is Simon Petrikov, i am a fictive from Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake specifically. I don't know how my story ends and I'm excited to see the finale on screen in a couple weeks or. Whenever. I'm not sure what to include first.

Um, i know that I'm a subdued energy in the body, and when i do feel a rise, it's usually from anger. When someone like Mitten gets intense, it's joy or love. I've noticed i have a lot of sadness and anger. Not to say "I'm a sad angry alter" or "i can't be happy" because. That is one major difference from my source so far. My overall voice and behavior is similar, but i dont come from a, what i call a self-tragic place. A sort of negativity that ruins anything for myself, self hatred, hatred of the world around me.

I'm so lucky to be in the system I'm in, i can recognize it. Existence has been incredibly hard. Being in a body with its pros and cons, being in this dimension, this lifetime, this vessel and world. And yet, i share this system and body with Zim. With Mitten and Kiba. These beings of warmth and love and light, that's basically just. Their whole thing, and they practice it and learn it and take pride in it. I'm a tired old man, i think that's my system role. Probably why Alder and Zim latched on the way they did those first days. Probably why I'm so. Low energy? Lax? Monotone?

Strange. But im settling in. Soon, i should dare to draw myself a new simplyplural profile. Drawing is surprisingly easy these days. I assign myself to work an hour, and i do. Mitten is so entranced by it that she rarely speaks up. I ask her about it, and she shakes her head and trails off, responding in some muted positive way. Watching. I'm not sure about her, just in the way that i don't know what her actual motives and hopes are. What is she going to do next? Who is she really? What is she going to BE next?

Anyway, this isn't about her, it's about me. I'm happy to be here. I think i finally, sorta comprehend existing on this plane, in this meat. It's good. Not everything is perfect, and there's some pain and grief i have to watch over for the others while im here, but it is nothing comparatively. I can handle this. And i have Mitten, Zim and Kiba for the ride.

[mundaneapocalypse]

I’m going to have mind surgery in a few days, so will not be able to write posts for 6-8 weeks, probably.

The spiritist will not know exactly how much surgery I need until he starts it, but he at least wants drain or remove some abscesses or masses my system couldn’t clear out or stop growing. It is pretty common surgery, but I had to wait a long time because I am a doppleganger, living in Halidom, can function fine in day-to-day life, and there are about 35% more people than last year who this year need common surgeries like that, because of the continental collision.

But until I have that one, I can’t have the one that is actually serious. It is extreme and highly-effective treatment, like ECT extreme. Some spiritists use treatment right away and some wait, but there is not a medical board wait list or anything like that. Not all spiritists know how to do it, either.

So a day or two after that surgery, I will have another one, where he will untangle some connecty-thingies, remove some of them if possible, move some of them so they connect to the right place, connect some of them, stabilize some of them, and splice and connect some of the working ones so my brain has more neurotypically functional connecty-thingies to use. That has a long recovery time and I’m not allowed to use my mind or be very emotive for a few weeks before easing back into normal thinking and feeling.

The side effects include blackouts, depression, mania, compulsive behavior, impulsive behavior, inappropriate behavior, unusual behavior, paranoid behavior, difficulty concentrating, difficulty finding words, difficulty learning new things, difficulty doing old things, difficulty solving problems, disorientation, emotional detachment, feeling of being detached from reality, flashbacks, forgetfulness, auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations, olfactory hallucinations, tactile hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thinking, disorganized speech, lack of emotion, lack of motivation, lack of pleasure, lack of fear, poor decision making, poor concentration, repetitive phrases, repetitive actions, sadness, sense of impending doom, slow thinking, blank stare, eyes not tracking together, blurred vision, blind spot in vision, cloudy vision, double vision, dilated pupils, eyes rolling back, flickering lights in vision, partial vision loss, synesthesia, constricted pupils, flashes of lights, difficulty distinguishing colors, difficulty distinguishing shapes, difficulty associating, visual halos around lights, vision fading of colors, uneven pupil sizes, hearing loss, ringing in ears, sensitivity to noise, clumsiness, lack of coordination, lack of gross motor skills, lack of fine motor skills, decreased smell, apnea, strange smells, strange tastes, bad taste in mouth, involuntary movements, increased speech volume, increased talkativeness, rapid speech, slurred speech, uncontrollable verbal outbursts, unusual facial expression, agitation, anxiety, apathy, coma, fainting, phobias, fits of rage, frightening dreams, frightening thoughts, fright, impaired sensitive judgement, impaired consequential judgement, impaired color vision, impaired social skills, short term memory loss, long term memory loss, difficulty forming memories, acute senses, staring, infrequent blinking, insomnia, difficulty staying asleep, rigidity, tremors, jerkiness, awkward gait, difficulty focusing eyes, unusual postures, speeded up movements, slowed down movements, indifference, hypersensitivity, irritability, hostility, anger, suspiciousness, resentment, low energy, suicidal thoughts, self-harm thoughts, labile mood, social isolation, lost in thoughts, neglecting self care, sensory overload, not dealing with stress, lack of ability to engage in purposeful activity, inappropriate responses, ruminating thoughts, neologisms, word salads, anosognosia, racing throughts, alogia, thought blocking, difficulty with social clues, abstract language, odd word structure, forgetfulness, illogical logic, difficulty understanding simple things, disintegrated thoughts and behaviors and actions, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, incoherent but apparently deep conversations, short-term memory loss, long-term memory loss, hypomania, inability to complete tasks, cravings, erratic behavior, episodes of depression, episodes of mania, poor appetite, over positivity, over negativity, overload of energy, overload of purposeful activity, overload of emotion, overload of motivation, overload of pleasure, sense of guilt, low self-esteem, weight gain, morbidity, electric shock feelings, palpatations, inability to rest, feeling like going insane, headaches, exhaustion, muscle weakness, increased arousal, decreased arousal, asexuality, aromanticism, hypersexuality, addictive impulsives, lack of empathy, overload of empathy, difficulty understanding perspectives, ability to understand perspectives, avoiding eyecontact, change in syntax, change in word use, preoccupation with irrelevancies, dragginess, boredom, blurred sense of identity, loss of sense of identity, sense of multiple identities, forming multiple identities, using multiple identities, inability to recall personal information, inability to recall situational information, difficulty following stories, difficulty reasoning, difficulty with visual perception, increased feeling of stress, decreased feeling of stress, difficulty with the sense of touch, difficulty with the sense of taste, difficulty determining distance, difficulty tracking time, difficulty planning, suspiciousness, restlessness, tearfulness, and wandering.

Some happen to everybody: difficulty concentrating, difficulty solving problems, disorientation, feeling of being detached from reality, poor concentration, slow thinking, and one of the following: agitation, anxiety, fright, apathy, catatonia, paranatural suppression, paranatural expression, telepathic inability, telepathic over-ability, inability to control telepathy, coma, and brain death.

I’m most at risk for any of the side-effects that are symptoms of schizophrenia, so the surgery might actually make me worse. They tend to persist, but if caught early, can be treated. Also, if I have natural schizophrenia, it will be easier to see after the treatment and can be mistaken for the side-effects, and it cannot be cured or improved.

I might need drugs or some other treatment to restore proper function, too, or maybe my body will reject the connections, or adapt them to the way they were before, because dopplegangers are confused and under-correct or over-correct, or they shrug and give up.

Also, if I do have natural schizophrenia, the onset of symptoms will probably be within the next ten years, unless it has already happened and I assumed it was induced schizophrenia.

If it is natural schizophrenia, I will avoid medication because children of dopplegangers have enough problems staying alive as it is without adding birth defects from something else.

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