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admiraldeltafleet · 5 months ago

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ALL Chapter 13 Closing thoughts

Normally, I would have done this in the author's notes at the end of the chapter, but I was feeling too much from finally getting to the end of my very first fic, and also I think I may have had too much to say it might not have all fitted. Anyway, I'm doing it now, so consider this your spoiler warning for my fic if you haven't read it. If so, I would definitely consider doing so, especially before you read this bit, as it discusses the final chapter https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/149705248

So, with that out of the way, let me get into this. This chapter has always essentially been about establishing the new status quo after the tumult of the past three chapters. Everyone had gotten started on their healing journies by chapter 12, but some of them (cough* Alex *cough) still had some ways to go. So, I had to give them enough time not only to finish those journeys, but also to settle into the new way of things once they had done so (and wrap up whatever lingering plotlines that were still hanging).

Honestly, I'm not totally someone to reckon with the fallout of things outside the scope of the fic I am interested. There is a lot to be said about the press and public's reactions to what's happened in this fic and many others, wrangling with keeping Kara's identity secret from her coworkers or the DEO and government. There are dozens of inconsequential actions that any number of the characters do that could be overheard or witnessed that would have far-reaching repercussions, but I don't really dive into them unless they directly interest me or there is something I want to directly address. So yes, someone could totes have seen Kara superseded out of CatCo and figure out her identity or some rando at the DEO overhear Alex call Kara by her name instead of Supergirl, but will probably never happen in my fic because I don't care about that sort of thing.

Now, you may be wondering why I am bringing this up. I bring it up because that is exactly what I am doing in the opening of this chapter. Normally, I wouldn't really bother with any sort of negative outcome between Kara and the government, or at least wouldn't give it it's own dedicated scene. The reason I did this time is specifically because of a fic I read some time ago that never sat right with me. I won't say which, and really this isn't about why that fic is wrong (I don't think it's wrong at all, it just didn't jibe with my personal interpretation of the character, nothing more, nothing less. Everyone is free to write how they please). Anyhow, in that fic, Kara did something similar to what she did in chapter 10 of my fic, and when the president started talking down at her about it, she just let herself be cowed and was like, "yeah, won't happen again. My bad.). I certainly understand this reaction, especially in the context of how Kara can be in both Canon and Fanon, but that's not my Kara. My Kara stands her ground, especially when it comes to Lena. I will admit beyond that, I do deeply enjoy this scene, and I don't regret adding it at all. I did also briefly set it up back in the beginning of chapter 4 when Kara the president's visit (just more so that they had met, so it wouldn't be out of the blue when they talked again in the end)

Another thing from this scene that's more of a mention and less of a feature, but you just know that Lena made Kara a kryptonite resistant suit, and I don't know why the DEO never invested more effort in that. I have a series of headcanons about Kryptonian powers and Kryptonite, so let me know if you want to know more about that, as it is directly involved with how it works in my writings, and also how things like how anti-Kryptonian and anti-Kryptonite technologies work.

Let's talk about titles. For the longest time, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to title this fic. This is legitimately one of my greatest struggles. I seem to be able to name other people's fic pretty well, but when it comes to mine, I just don't know. For the longest time, my WIP title was Supercorp Secret Marriage which just doesn't make any sense as an actual title. Then, for another long stretch of time, I thought the title was going to be Prime, as the crux of the fic is really when Kara goes Prime mode to rescue Lena (I'm not super duper familiar with the comics, but my understanding is that there are some comics where the supes get a ridiculous power boost, and they are typically called supergirl/man/boy prime. Could not be quite right). Anyhow, that was the best I could really think of, but it never sat quite right with me. Partly because I think it's sort of boring, and also because I was petrified that someone would somehow guess where the story was going, and I wanted to do my best to shock everyone.

The other title I briefly considered was The Day the Sun Fell to Earth. This falls in the same line as a title surrounding chapter 10, specifically in reference to how brightly Kara was glowing as she descended to the DEO, it looked like the sun was falling to earth. I thought that might have required a bit too much of a leap to put together though (I did include it as a bit of a fun reference in this chapter, regardless of the fact no one would really get it but me). This title and the previous had the same flaw in my mind though, because while that scene was really the keystone of the fic, the title only related to that one scene and had nothing to do with anything else in the entire fic.

This is something that was bothering me the entire fic, from the time when I barely had the outline completed. In the end, as you all know, I went up going with At Long Last. These words are from the very final sentence I wrote for the whole fic, and as soon as I wrote them I knew that I had my title. Because, while the first scene of chapter 10 was what I built the fic towards and around, there is so much more to it now, and this sentiment fits so perfectly with what I had already written about Kara's thoughts and feelings about the secret that I was once again struck with the idea that I couldn't have planned it better had I tried.

The build up of this theme really started in chapter 2, before Kara even got together with Lena (as a brief aside, this makes me feel like I'm in school again writing a book report using quotes to support my argument, except for I wrote it and I'm explaining my own thoughts instead of someone else's). I'm just going to post the timeline of quotes as this theme develops.

Chapter 2:

If only he [Kal] would let up on Lena, she thought her life might be perfect, or at least as close to perfect as anything could ever come with the gaping hole the loss of her planet had left within her.

Chapter 3:

“So, it falls to me to preserve my culture, my language, my people, but I feel like I am failing them. For so long I have held them tightly in my heart. No matter how much I love Earth, how much I love the Danvers, Krypton has always been my home. Now, Krypton isn't my home anymore, you are,” Kara pulled back to look at Lena with pleading eyes, “Does that mean I've failed them?”

Chapter 13:

“There‘s a time you might have been right, when that's what I would have seen, but that was before I met Lena,” Kara said, her tone almost wistful, “She helped me accept that Krypton was gone, but still with me. For years while I was in the phantom zone, then on earth, I struggled to even comprehend the death of Krypton, the loss that it caused me. There were times, even after I had been on earth for years that I would wake up and forget what had happened, despite the fact that I had watched the whole thing with my own eyes. “Some days in that moment just before I opened my eyes, I expect to see my bedroom, to be able to look out over the skyline of Argo and see the red skies beyond it, and every time I woke to see our bedroom in Midvale, or my apartment, every time the window showed me National City's skyline and skies of blue, I broke all over again. And while I love you, I truly do, and Eliza, and everyone else I had on earth, it couldn't plug the whole that the loss of Krypton had made.” Kara paused for a moment, looking out of the window with a far-off expression on her face, as if in that moment she was seeing the cityscape Krypton out past the glass, but it lasted for only a moment before she continued speaking, her attention returning to her sister as she did so, “Then I fell in love with Lena. She was the first one to even come close to filling the void within me. She learned Kryptonese, not to help me acclimate easier to earth, or from some sense of idle curiosity about where she had come from, but because she knew how much it meant to me, how much it gladdened me to hear it even while it tore the scars off my wounds. Little by little, piece by piece, even before I realized she was doing it, she filled that void, until one day there wasn't a void anymore, there was only Lena. The pain was still there, but it was no longer debilitating. I no longer woke in the wrong bedroom, or on the wrong planet, I woke up to her.” ... “What I want, more than anything,” Kara said, bringing Alex's attention back to her, “Is for my family to accept my wife. I didn't need the black mercy to tell me that.” ... Kara looked around, her friends and family surrounding her, laughing and joking, drinking and playing. Lena was tucked into her side, completely at home amongst everyone, her wife was laughing openly at something her sister had just said, and finally, at long last, everything was perfect.

This theme is really what brought so much of this fic together in the way it did, and it weaved throughout my preferences to form new headcanons and all the lore about Kara and Kryptonians that helped me so much to sell this story. I love all the ideas that came from this fic so much that they have just become my default settings for Kara and Krypton going forward. This is my Kara, even more so than the one I came into this process envisioning, and I think that theme was much more worthy of the title than just that one scene (I still adore that scene though, don't get me wrong, but even it is so much better in light of the headcanons this story helped me build).

Well, I've already written so much, and I haven't actually even started reading back through the chapter yet, so I think I am going to do that so I can go back to the more "normal" word vomiting I usually do.

If anyone was curious exactly what Kara was implying when she was talking to the president right at the end, she was totally telling her that while her disguise might have been fooling everyone else, it was not fooling her. Kara totes knew she was an alien, and if the president was going to go mucking about in her family, Kara was more than capable of firing back. It might not be a morally great action, but I've always viewed Kara as someone who's family comes first over anything else.

Something else about this that no one may realize though, is that Kara does still hold them to a high standard of morals and behavior. There is one little tiny word choice that really shows that in this conversation she has with the president. When Kara is laying down the law, she says, "...if the DEO or any other agency of the government does come after Lena without valid reason." Notice, Kara specifically says, "without VALID reason," and that is an intentional word choice by both her and me. Kara would not let anyone, not even Lena, do anything morally corrupt or villainous and let them get away with it just because they are her family (She also does say this with complete confidence that Lena would never give valid reason though). She would probably still prefer to take care of it herself than let the government step in, but I digress. I talk about things like this a lot as absolute, but these are more guidelines for me, and I totally might bend them for certain fics in the future to get out an idea I have though.

I threw Lucy into this scene for no other reason than because I wanted to. Really there was nothing else behind it.

You all just know that Lena was waiting for that moment at game night where she finally got to stake her claim in public, really hammer it home even though everyone technically already knew. Speaking more on that scene, as much as I don't like certain characters (James and Mon-El) I do try not to take out my biases, valid or not, on them in my writing. I did definitely sideline them since I didn't care to write much about them than was needed, but I don't feel like anything I wrote about them was either untrue to their character nor unrealistic in an effort to justify my choices. I stand buy it. Actually, as a matter of fact, I almost convinced myself that Mon-El wasn't as bad as some of the things that sort of get glossed over in canon. In the future, I may just exclude them from my fics, though without Mon-El in this one, we wouldn't have gotten that scene where Lena was possessive and jealous.

As much as I don't necessarily care for Winn as a character (I don't dislike him, but neither do I have any particular fondness for him, nor do I think he should have come to the DEO in season 2 (hence I brought brainy instead)) He did do me a solid in this chapter and chapter 5 by giving me a path through some difficult-to-write interactions.

So, I will readily admit that I definitely just brushed CADMUS and Lillian aside without much thought or wordcount. I never really cared too much about that plot by itself. It was definitely the B plot. It only really served to push the secret relationship agenda forward by butting Kara and Lena into odd spots where the cracks started showing a bit (by making Kara act up, so that Alex would notice it essentially), then obviously they put up a big part of the plot by getting Lena arrested. After that was done though, their role in the story was over, so off they went into the sunset without much fanfare.

I love the little call back I had to chapter 3, when Alex was thinking about Kara and Lena, and she was like, "I bet if Lena pushed Kara she would just fall over. It's a ridiculous thought though." I cackle every time I read that part, no matter how many times it's been.

I could probably write a full TED talk about every paragraph in this chapter, and every other chapter for that matter, and I think this post is already ludicrously long, so I will try to only hit the main parts I wanted to address here, and maybe pick up some of the other bits when I do the further posts I have planned.

That being said, there is maybe my second favorite scene in this entire fic that I've yet to say anything, and that is the moments between Alex and Lena after Lena saves Alex from the kidnapper. I won't lie, I definitely lean a bit more towards Kara than Lena, but this scene is something that I just love more than I can express. I love to see that protective side from Lena that we are used to seeing from Kara, and Lena finally got to say her piece after so long spent holding it in. It was very hard to get that scene to flow well and I spent at least an hour writing just those few lines of Lena's dialogue. I think part of it may be that Alex just seems to never be held accountable for any of that. Some of the scenes I included in the flashbacks were just to justify having Lena bring up all these points and hold Alex accountable for it, and don't even get me started on that threat she leveled at Alex. I wrote that and it still gives me the chills every time I read it. I love literally everything about this scene, down to the smallest detail.

Anyway, I think I am going to call this here. I still have some plans to go back through and make a few more posts. There are still quite a few details and such that I packed in there that no one has, as far as I know, noticed. I wanted to go through them, since I love them, and bring them to everyone's attention so they can enjoy them like I do. Secondly, there is so much that I feel I learned in answering everyone's questions, where I feel like I know twice or thrice as much about all the characters and their motivations than I did when I started, and I want to parse back through all that. If I may brag for a moment, I think my greatest strength as a writer is how cohesive everything is, and by answering all the questions you had I learned more about my fic then I know when I posted it, and I love just how perfectly it all fits. Anyway, if anyone actually made it this far, let me know if any of that is of any interest to you

#supercorp #At Long Last

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blossomingsouthernwitch · 6 months ago

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August 22, 2024

For today’s reflection, I’d like to look inward a bit and begin to unpack a common theme that has been coming up a lot in my tarot readings lately: doing what I can to make the world a more compassionate place

This is something that has motivated me for my whole life, so it doesn’t initially surprise me that I’m drawn to those cards often. However, what has been unexpected is the fact that Hades has frequently been the one identifying Himself with these messages.

Now I know not everyone is going to agree with my beliefs and that’s ok! I love that faith brings everyone to their own individual interpretations, I think that’s beautiful! And I am aware that my personal beliefs deviate quite a bit from traditional Greek practices, but I’m not trying to recreate those practices exactly. So that’s just a little disclaimer that I’m not looking to argue with anyone about philosophy, this blog is more of a personal journal through my faith journey, just made public in case it helps anyone else!

What my gut tells me about this is that, contrary to popular belief, Hades does really care about what goes on in the land of the living. I mean, what happens in life has a huge impact on who we are when we die, so it makes sense that the events of life would have repercussions on what the afterlife looks like. If there’s overwhelming negativity, divisiveness, and hate in our world, maybe those elements are popping up more and more in the Underworld, leading to more and more conflicts that Hades has to manage. If we can bring joy to this life, we can bring it to the next. Obviously that’s all much easier said than done, but right now I’m just focusing on doing more positive acts of kindness intentionally throughout the day and being more selfless.

Honestly part of me is hesitant to share this thought, but Hades has encouraged me to share my knowledge to the world in addition to kindness through my divination with Him, and I want to honor that.

#journal #daily reflection #hellenism #hellenic deities #hellenic devotion #hellenic gods #hellenic pagan #hades worship #lord hades #hades

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namorslutfanfiction · 2 years ago

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As time goes on the more disgusted I am becoming with Elena. She keeps getting caught in lies ON TOP OF providing no proof of these allegations still. She’s getting called out and exposed left and right and yet still keeps adding mkre lies on and deflecting. Do you think she will ever come clean or just keep lying. Or will she just stop talking about it all together and let it die down then keep playing victim when she’s called out on the bullshit? It’s like she got what she wanted, attention and a reaction, people looking at Tenoch on a bad light. It’s sick.

I think ultimately, Elena is getting what she aimed for, attention and a smear campaign against Tenoch. I don't think she will ever come clean unless there are legal repercussions.

It's been all but proven that she lied about the 'other women' telling her their negative experiences with Tenoch. She fabricated all of this to try and deflect from her past actions and use her victimhood as a vehicle for people to rally beside her.

It's honestly disgusting. From the more things that pop up from her past, I think it's safe to assume that she is a pathological liar with a violent streak. She is lighter skinned so she has that privilege as well as having connections to politics. Her family has also been revealed to have had major issues in the past.

Elena is grasping at straws now that people are actively refuting her claims and showing support to Tenoch. Some of these stories about how great Tenoch is seem almost too good to be true. But they usually come with pictures which help their validity.

Ultimately the damage has already been done. Tenoch has had to step out of a project, defend his personal actions, and been removed from promotional content for a new project. All we can do is continue to spread the positive stories of Tenoch and those people who have refuted Elena's claims. We can also continue to spread the evidence of Elena's fraudulence. I think she may try to wait it all out. but who knows.

She's already started preemptively blocking Tenoch stans who have never directly interacted with her, so she is taking time to see what the 'opposition' is doing. The recent move to focus on her acid case and ignore any mention of Tenoch definitely seems like deflection. But also if she really was telling the truth I don't think she would have worried about people mentioning him.

Sorry my brain is all over the place. This has turned so much messier than I expected.

#ask #ask me #tenoch huerta #tenoch huerta mejia

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archivalofsins · 1 year ago

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So, let's talk about Milgram fandom and isms. This has been a long time coming. Plus putting it in the dog cat post I was drafting up would take attention from the main point so here we are.

So, isms are thrown around a lot when it comes to Milgram's writing and the fandom perception of characters.

Now, I've done this too. I'm not immune I am only human as well. I've discussed racism, fascism, sexism, ablism and I don't particularly plan to stop doing so. Because these are all things that color my worldview and matter to me. I believe these things should matter to everyone. They are firm social biases that disenfranchise every person that lives on this earth and are worthy of being discussed.

Yet, I must be emotionally honest for a moment. The reason I discuss things and isms to the extent that I do is simply because isms are easier to understand and identify than the root problem would be. Because if I were to discuss what I believe the root problem to be it would hurt a lot of feelings.

Because when I discuss the use of these isms it is not in the context of Milgram the series but Milgram the audience. Something that I believe should be discussed in a civil but firm way. Because it is a firm judgement of many people, I do not personally know but have seen how their biases are displayed and from my own experiences have formed an opinion on that display.

I discuss it this way because the content in Milgram is very up to interpretation. It gives people what they take away from it. Nothing more nothing less. So, the opinions we form from what is presented does say something about the type of people we are. Milgram very seldom hard confirms anything.

There's evidence of what is or has occurred throughout the songs but Milgram doesn't look directly at the camera and go this is what they did you're right and give the viewer a little thumbs up. This is why all our opinions on information can remain so varied and voting can conflict in the way that it does. Despite the fact we're all working with the same information.

So, what's this thing I've been holding off on discussing under the guise of isms. Well, it's the big P where all biases come from-

Privilege

If you don't think you have let's take stock in check.

A. The priviliege to content for free and shared information.

B. The priviliege to judge others with no possibility of negative repercussion to oneself. Be it anonymously or openly.

Yet, in turn Milgram's staff has priviliege as well.

A. The priviliege of a large and supportive fanbase.

A fanbase is a very lucrative and helpful thing. Yet at the same time it can turn into a doubledge sword of sorts.

B. The priviliege of having the engagement that work hinges on.

If no one voted nothing would anything within Milgram change? If it was all 50/50 would it impact anything. An effect cannot happen without a cause.

So ultimately the fanbase and Milgram are in a very symbiotic relationship. However, the fans have more power than the staff in this case. If everyone just stopped voting one day would it still be Milgram? If the fans weren't having these discussions would this all still be going the way it's going.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it. It does make sound but does that sound matter?

In the same vein it's important for individuals to take stock of their own personaly privileges to better examine their personal biases. It is a privilege to have the time to cositently vote on a character whether Innocent (Forgiven) and Guilty (Unforgiven) each day and feel entitled and secure in that judgement. It does say a lot that so many people have the time to consistently go online each day and decide to dogpile on fictional characters in the way they did.

To the extent of making a Kazui Unforgiven Shrine. To the point of this,

Amane was like seventy percent innocent on the day of her songs release. Something that had remained stable in consistency since the beginning of trial two. The fact that hers has gone down the extent it has we people couldn't even make a dent in Mu's goes to show just how hated these two are.

Like people really went on that website each day and voted them guilty pridefully. Comsistently in their judgement of them being wrong. That is commitment that is hater energy.

Without a single thought of, "Should I just mind my business? Don't I have better things to do with my time then make a fictional characters day worse?"

Yuno

Tear Drop

"Just shut it, will you? You know it all."

Futa

Second written interrogation.

Q.18 Do you regret anything?

No, it's them that did something wrong first if they didn't then they wouldn't be here in this narrative.

"I do. What was I even doing that stuff for in the first place?

What other people are doing doesn’t have any impact on me."

Not a single thought of, "Hey, is this too much? Should I lay off."

Mikoto

"Is this selfish? This isn’t too much is it?"

It's okay to vote for any reason though. Even if it's just for fun. Even if I just dislike. I don't have to think too hard about just,

Kazui

"Keep it simple."

If i like I forgive if I dislike I don't. That's all there is to it. Something like that doesn't say a thing about me as an individual. I'm not doing anything wrong.

"Should I show the forgiveness that I would want myself or those close to me to receive if they messed up? If they were in those circumstances..."

Voice trailer snippet

"How would they know...whether to forgive me or not? People can't understand what I had to go through."

First Voice Drama

"Prison guard you're human as well. So... I'll do my best. I'll figure out what kinda person you're fond of." - "Hm... Actually.. If it think about it, compared to those good for nothing police trying to catch me- Someone's who's definitely not in the wrong. Milgram just might be better for me."

It's Not My Fault

"Hey, what if- If I am a bad girl? Don’t hate me. Don’t even try to prove anything from “After Pain”. Hold on. It’s not my fault! You knew it, right?"

Nope, clicks guilty. Then instead of blaming the fans that are making the choice to do this everyday all by themselves the blame is shifted to the media. There are fans that abstain from voting you know nobody has to be taking advantage of the privilege to vote. No one has to consistently spend their time every day being critical of another persons choices fictional or not.

Like, people are choosing to be here and do that based on their assumptions about the work. I'm no different in that regard. I just have no ill will towards the content as it is because it's not the content that is the issue for me. I just don't like how some people interpret it.

Something that is a clear personal problem and something I do not have to seek out or interact with. Everyone interprets things differently, which should be rightfully respected unless their interpretations are actively causing harm to others. Which under these circumstances I have to state is not people voting anyone's favorite character Guilty in mass even if it feels like it.

Something I have to immediatiely follow with fuck that shrine shit though. Along with the fact that it is incredibly sad to have an in real time example of how easy it is to shift the vote from seventy to fifty because it highlights how widely dogpiled on Mu was this trial and Mikoto was last trial.

My next point is going to be a highly personal one. Based off of my experiences but it's funny to me to see people crying about bad representation so often. Because it highlights a certain aspect of privilege that goes consistently overlooked.

Not all media is about you and if you think it is that's a sign of privilege.

I was discussing this in private, but the way most fans discuss the writing of Milgram truly highlights how privileged a good majority of fans may be. Each time I see statements like this, my immediate response is to go huh most of the individuals who make up this fandom must have never been told,

"If you don't like how you're being represented then go write it yourself. If you don't like how we treat you as a customer then go make your own business."

To have the community they are apart of do exactly that in every possible field and be historcally undermined at every turn.

I just have to recognize that a lot of people haven't grown up seeing those like themselves represented in media as just one specific trope. That rarely ever overlaps with what your experiences are actually like. Then, when people like you do begin creating content of their own, watch them be held to incredibly high standards in regard to inclusivity. Simply because as a minority they should know what it feels like to not be included, so they should do better to be inclusive and represent everyone well. They have a responsibility.

No, they don't. People society routinely ignored don't owe anyone a seat at the table they fucking build. I feel the same can be said here. Yamanaka has consistently discussed overlooked and taboo aspects of Japanese society along with the issues that come from those. The way an artist creates does not need to be sanatized to any one person's specific standards or tastes.

Discussing such topics as the ones being handled here is going to rub many the wrong way at times. Because it is showcasing the aspects of society and the individuals within it that go routinely overlooked and shied away from. Expecting all representation to be squeaky clean and good is harmful. Take it from someone who grew up under the construct of black excellence or look up anything regarding the model minority myth.

There is no exactly right way of being a creator and no one's personal vision is going to please everybody. Creating something like that is actually impossible. Even when representation is heavily sanatized in order to be considered socially acceptable their will still be people who criticize it for being that. Because it doesn't leave room for individuals who don't fit into the norms of society to mess up or be flawed.

It gives this impression that it is on them to be the model citizen at all times or risk ruining it for everyone causing all progress to backslide. Because societies acceptance of your difference is no longer true acceptance but instead a trade where you keep bringing stuff to the table in the hopes it's good enough that they allow you to sit down.

At this point I really believe this is just a culture gap on my part but I did want to say something about it anyway. Not just because I'd personally been avoiding the topic of privilege since entering the fandom myself but to draw more attention to how the audience itself is a character in this narrative. Along with how a good majority of our behavior and reasoning has begun mirroring that of the prisoners in Milgram or Es'.

Because I believe that aspect of Milgram is very interesting! Whelp that's enough of that I'm going back to writing about the dog and cat thing.

#gunsli rambles

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lmanburg-letter-service · 1 year ago

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I've just been sitting here for a while, thinking about all of them, but really, I only want to write a letter to one. May want to tag for neg towards Dream (plus general neg, I think?). Could you also use introject tags if you post this? (Completely understand if you won't post it. Lots of neg from what my brain can process).

Exile, Prison incident, violence mentions(?), and Wilbur's revival are all mentioned in case you need a tw for those.

To Dream,

Royally fuck yourself bitch. And if you can't, get Goggy to help you.

I still can't believe you. After everything I've been through, and you had the audacity to make it worse.

Who fucking decided you got to play God? You further shattered my already broken view of my brother. You brought him back. I didn't get why and I guess I still don't but that was really fucking disgusting of you.

Was Wilbur meant to be my distraction? Did you really think I'd fall right back into whatever "duck brain" I had and that I'd keep following him? Or did you do it to make me feel like I owed you for bringing him back because you knew how much I missed him? Or was it maybe the fact you thought you knew how he'd react? How he'd fall into a pretty prince role and worship you as his saving grace?

I love that you were wrong. I don't regret anything I did after, either. I don't regret bringing you to ruin. Maybe I'm a little sorry I destroyed it all with Tubbo, if not only for the builds and few fond memories I had left.

There's so much shit I have on you, and I don't know if I can let go. Not because I want to, but because I haven't entirely really thought about it all. As of late, I've just been stuck here suffering with the repercussions of exile fresh on my mind.

I'm hungry, but I can't eat, no matter how safe I am. I'm under a really bad weather watch right now that just reminds me of the horrid weather from Logstedshire when it wasn't beautiful. But let's be honest, when was it ever beautiful? Constantly gloomy and cloudy. You chose that spot beforehand, hadn't you? And when you gave me that trident you knew, I would long for more beyond those clouds.

I have a feeling you wanted me to become Icarus.

And in a strange way I had. I can't stand the way you treated me, almost driving myself to do something I didn't think I would ever want to do. You wanted control over a literal fucking child.

You're pathetic, yknow that? I used to think that maybe, just maybe, something might've gone wrong in your childhood to make you such a wrongun. But based on a conversation I had with Puffy after one of my last sessions with her, I just can't place it. I don't think I want to, I don't want to know what happened or what went through your head.

Maybe it was as simple as the idea of power going to your head.

I'll never understand why you went to the lengths of war. Why you wanted the discs so bad or why you wanted to control me. I'll never understand why you tried to fucking kill my best friend to command me. I don't want to forgive you for it, any of it, especially when you didn't ever ask for forgiveness. Even when you killed me in the prison to "prove a point".

I'm so fucking angry at you.

But I forgive you.

I forgive you not because you need it or some stupid shit like that. But I forgive you because I can't keep holding on to this, it's hurting me more than it is helping me.

I'm done now, though. Please don't contact me, let me be happy. I don't want to know how sorry you either are or aren't. It's already too late for all that, and I'm done with it all.

I'd like to keep this freedom I'm finally holding. For once, it feels so nice, like I'm living for myself rather than somebody else.. if there's one selfish thing I can ask for from you, it's to let me finally have that.

Goodbye Dream, I really fucking hope you realized what you did was wrong.

- From ; Tommy/Icarus

[Letter Sent!]

#to: dream #from: tommy #dsmp introject #tommy introject #dream neg #Mod Archive

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bunnyseahorse-blog · 2 years ago

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Does anyone else feel guilty when they make a boundary? What can you do if you do?

there was an individual I met who was very interested in me but never actually made an effort to be with me despite us liking each other. I was constantly blown off and ridiculed when I voiced any negative feelings about being blown off. This person drank heavily and enjoyed hanging out with me but frequently left to meet with everyone else there. I am okay with them greeting friends certainly but there was a vibe of “I need attention and all attention is good,” I was told I was aggressive for trying to figure out if we were going to happen. They drove while very intoxicated. They became angry at me and sent a rather mean message that started with the words “I love you, but,” after a year of pining and feeling led on I decided to sever ties so I could get over them. A few months later they friend requested me and thinking it would be good to be on decent terms since they were in a lot of my social circles I accepted.

however tonight this person arrived and talked about how long it’s been since we hung out like we were old friends reuniting and not two people who had a falling out. No acknowledgment of any hurt. They proceeded to monopolize the attention of someone I had obviously been flirting with and acting like we were fine. They came up to me as I was waiting for a cab home and asked why I was sad. I wasn’t sad. Why hadn’t I said goodbye it made them sad? Again I was the wrong one. I told them very calmly without raising my voice that we could be cordial upon running into each other but that we were no longer friends. I told them I did not agree with their drinking or them leading me on for a year or trying to distract the person I was flirting with When they began to argue with me I stated that I didn’t want to argue with them because they always acted like like they had done no wrong. I told them I was waiting for ride and that I needed them to give me space.

and oh my gosh I am fearing the repercussions. I feel like our mutual friends will get mad at me even though my friend who’s heard out conversation says I was poised and even nice in my delivery. I feel like I have been conditioned not to go against them

I feel guilty and I feel like I shouldn’t since the friendship was so toxic and abusive.

I don’t know what to expect now.

#Personal post

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markrogersart · 4 months ago

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ON BEING A SOBER ARTIST

Greetings Earthlings, at the time of writing this, I have been sober for over 6.5 years. Yay! The reason I wanted to share was that when I was thinking about quitting alcohol I remember scouring the internet for articles about “being sober as an artist”, “sober painters”, or “how to be sober and still be an artist”. I wanted to know if other artists like me out there who quit drinking and how that affected their lives. So, I am writing this quick blog for my past self, and for any fellow artists out there considering sobriety.

Spoiler alert: quitting alcohol rules. It is by far the best decision I have ever made!

But back then….I had it in my head that in order to be an artist, I also had to be a drinker as if the two activities--making art and drinking--were magically synonymous.

When I was struggling and thinking about finally quitting, I weirdly worried about how it would affect my ability to make art. I rarely painted while intoxicated but I had a pretty solid habit of sketchbook-ing alone in bars, always with a beer and a shot close at hand. I felt that maybe drinking was part of my creative process, part of my identity in a way, like being a drinker and hanging out in bars was cool and edgy, and that I would never have fun again as a non-drinker. I also knew deep down, that drinking was holding me back and having negative repercussions.

Now that I have been sober for 6.5 years, here are the actual realities:

No more hangovers. Painting with a hangover sucks, so does everything else.

I have saved so much money!

I am infinitely more organized in every aspect of my life.

I was worried about my creativity, but there isn’t anything magickal in a pint glass that gives you art ideas. If anything, alcohol makes you less creative. Bonus: my sketchbook pages are way better drawn, more coherent and not covered in beer stains.

Art openings are still awkward, but I never feel hangover anxiety…you know, worrying about what you may have said or done the night before.

While it is true that I rarely go to bars or drinking establishments anymore, I find that I don’t miss them like I thought I would. These days I spend time in coffee shops, the library, and at home working in the studio.

Unfortunately, I don’t go to as many metal shows as I used to. When you are sober, drunk people can be annoying. Oh well.

I didn’t see this coming, but my guitar practice routine has become structured and organized, and I have been having fun making music a part of my life again.

Dating was weird for a time until I started dating another sober person and today I am in the best relationship I have ever been in. My girlfriend and I are currently engaged!

I thought sober vacations or trips would be boring, but I have found them to be more relaxing, interesting, and memorable without the hangovers.

No drama ever!

And on that last note: You indeed lose a bunch of friends when you quit drinking, but I have found that it is okay. Life is about change, right? While I had quite a few bar friends and drinking buddies--as most heavy drinkers do--most of those relationships were superficial and fuzzy at best. Sure, I had some good times with the old bar pals, but I am on a different path now and I wish them well. I have even made some new friends too.

BONUS: As a sober artist I am now much better at channeling aliens.

I could go on and on but I’ll leave it there, and spare you the mushy feelings. I am really happy to be sober and to be a sober artist, and if you are struggling and considering making a positive life change, just know that you won’t regret it. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email or leave me a message.

Thanks for reading and have a cool day!

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applesfallingfromblondehair · 6 months ago

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Not from Malaysia but I had a pretty long conversation with a friend of mine who’s from there about the whole thing when it happened

Her stance was that she gets it when people are mad because something like that, actually breaching the law has negative consequences (eg other events of international artists being canceled or not invited anymore)

HOWEVER, she doesn’t see another way to start a protest. She thought it was very brave and selfless and a bit stupid of them to take such a risk. She was also pissed off at a lot of people on Twitter who clearly weren’t from Malaysia but kept talking about white saviour complex on their behalf. Bc artists or people who live in Malaysia and don’t get to just leave the country couldn’t do something like that without major consequences and prison sentences

First of all thank you for sending this in!

I also get why people are mad, I really do. This was a shocking thing to happen on an international stage, and even if it did come from a good place and was done out of love and protest against a fucked up system, I can definitely recognise that it was ill-advised and probably shouldn't have happened (in the grand scheme of things). If this truly had true repercussions on LGBTQ+ people in the country, I can see why people would be mad and that is also why I am asking the question, because I feel like I just maybe don't know enough about it and I want to educate myself.

That being said:

The festival was completely in the hands of the organisers, they decided to cancel it and I reckon they should be the one bearing the financial burden of said cancellation. The way they said they were "forced" to cancel the festival because of what happened at that show is just blatant scapegoating, that I am afraid a lot of people (and yes, that unfortunately does include queer Malaysians) are falling for;

This subsequent lawsuit is ludicrous, because as per above the band did not force them to do anything, the festival organisers were obviously just afraid more international artists might speak up as a result of Matty bringing this issue up;

I personally cannot stand the "white saviour complex" criticism: this wasn't a selfish act, or even an isolated incident. This has been happening over and over, whenever they get to a country where the laws are restricting people's freedom of expression and sometimes their freedom in general, and it was not intended as a "oh look at us, we're edgy and transgressive" thing, but more as a "wtf you guys, let's all be free together, watch this" thing. I'm incredibly sad to see how it backfired and is now seemingly coming back to bite literally everyone in the ass;

I do get that Malaysian artists don't have the same freedom of speech and do not get to leave the country and get banned and just avoid coming back, but that's precisely why this needs to be an international conversation, don't you think? What I keep noticing is that the LGBTQ+ population in Malaysia doesn't seem to be interested in fighting back, and I am sure there is a good reason for it, but it does look a bit shocking in the eyes of people coming from places where queerness is legal, celebrated, and liberated. Again, maybe I'm the ignorant one here, please educate me!

As far as I understand, there are a lot of artists who point-blank refuse to tour Malaysia precisely for this reason, and while I do admit the band could and should have done their research before signing this contract, I also think the blame should be shared with the festival organisers. Once more, this wasn't an isolated incident. Sure, it was definitely a big one, but it's not like there wasn't any precedent. This lawsuit is just completely ludicrous, and most of the world can see it. I'm just a bit sad that some people from Malaysia don't seem to get this specific point. (But yet again, maybe there is something I'm missing.)

TL;DR, I am very passionate about this topic and would love to keep having this conversation because I think it's important. Please feel free to send more insight in :)

#answered #the 1975 #malaysia #gay rights #lgbtq+

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goodnewstimelesstruths · 11 months ago

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on body image (TW: eating disorder)

So, I’ve known a lot of people who weren’t happy with the way their bodies looked, and it affected the way they viewed themselves and their worth as a person. There’s a whole bunch of reasons for this that I’m not going to get into, but it breaks my heart that a lot of people develop a strong aversion toward their bodies and themselves because of the messages that they’re receiving from culture and media and even the people closest to them. So I wanted to speak some truth to the untruths that are circulating and causing harm.

First off, this is personal to me. I developed pretty severe anorexia when I was 18 (and wrestled with it for about 5-6 years) because I’d slowly come to believe that I’d only ever be desirable if I was beautiful, and the physical and mental repercussions of that continued to linger for several years. Counseling was one of the biggest things that helped me and I strongly advocate for that, but I’d say what really saved me from destroying myself through the disorder was identifying what I was believing about myself—that I’m not worthy of love if I’m not pretty—and replacing that lie with the truth that Jesus says I’m worthy because he made me worthy. We are all made in the image of God, so fundamentally that gives each of us worth. God created us and calls each of us precious and valuable to him. He loves us so much that he sent Jesus to save us. Society and culture might not want us. That person that we desire approval from might not want us, but God always does. The narratives we craft about ourselves can root themselves deep within us, so it’s important that we discern what the truth is and dig out the bad roots so that we can plant seeds of hope that will sprout life.

The effects of sin on our bodies

Now, rooting my identity in Jesus did help me to begin to overcome the disorder. But just because I no longer struggle with it on a daily basis does not mean that I now think my body is perfect and I’m super satisfied with it all the time. The truth is that we all are living in bodies that are falling apart. We get sick, we feel pain. More often than not, our bodies fail to do what we want them to do. No matter how hard we try, our bodies will never be good enough. That's because there is sin in the world and in us. I think it’s important to appreciate our bodies and what they can do for us, but it’s also important to recognize that living in broken, imperfect bodies can be really, really hard. The Bible offers hope for that too. Jesus came down to Earth and experienced what it was like to have the same weak and limited body that we have, and then when he was sent to be killed he endured his body being mercilessly beaten. He went through intense physical suffering and ultimately death to pay for our sins so we wouldn’t have to. And then he resurrected, and one day if we believe in him we’ll also be resurrected and have brand new bodies that are no longer affected by sin.

Unconditionally loved

If you are burdened by negative thoughts about your body/self that you've struggled to overcome, begin by uprooting anything that you have come to believe about yourself that isn’t true and replacing it with the truth that endures. A way to begin is to complete this sentence: If I am not __X__(beautiful, pretty, perfect etc), then __Y__will happen. What will happen if you are not what you’re trying to be? My sentence read, If I’m not thin, then no one will love me. I recognized that what I wanted was to be loved. And that’s true for everyone, right? Because we were designed to desire to be loved. But not loved because of what we’ve done or what we look like... What we desire is to be loved unconditionally. And the only one who can love you unconditionally is God.

When I think about and dwell on and really sit in the truth that the God of the universe, who created the world and everything in it, also created me with a purpose, and that he knows me, like all of my faults and fears, and yet sent his child to die to save me so that I could be part of his family forever, I remember that I am loved. And that has become the guiding and healing force of my life.

#body image #eating disorder #Christianity #God #Jesus #gospel #faith #hope #life #sin #self worth

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toxicgreenslushi · 2 years ago

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This is the only online place I can post freely because no one reads any of this. No one knows who I am.

In the grand scheme of things no one knows me. I do not know myself at times. I am disassociating. I keep losing interest in life. I could lay in the grass and stare at the sky forever. What I want seems irrelevant and what I am seems irrelevant. For what am I but another mound of flesh that seeks deeper meaning but fears I will have nothing to offer. I cannot get myself to find the way. All the ways seems frightful and filled with regret.

I do not want to be negative. I fear I have been this way for so long that it has become second nature. Perhaps I was always this way. Longing for justice and fairness that would never come. Longing for things I could never feel or taste. Was I so selfish and corrupt so young that I can remember the bitterness of not getting the answers I wanted? To continue asking the same questions to try to pry out a manipulated version of a false truth I could accept...

I know I am not evil. But perhaps I am not good either. I fear I am nothing. Fear itself seems irrelevant. I do not enjoy this world or much in it. When I do feel it hurts. I cry at the slightest jab or injustice done not just to me but to the imagined me. The me that is everyone else.

I do not like me. I love me, but I do not like me as of late. I am everything I never wanted to be. Fat, no degree, envious, skeptical, broke, lonely. I know these are just arbitrary things, but when you do not play by the arbitrary rules in this country you become a leper.

Fear of governmental punishment or social repercussions keep us abiding by meaningless rules. Rules put in place by someone with more power and more money and more knowledge of the rules of this arbitrary and silly game.

I did not want to play the game, so for years I abstained. Out of fear and shame. Out of the unwillingness to embarrass or shame myself further. So I watched the world pass by me while I stood frozen in time. Never leaving. Never growing. Simply aging and deteriorating mentally. When I finally was able to leave with help and become independent...I felt new. But still stuck in the maze.

Now I am in a different part of the maze. One I thought I'd left but was curious about so came back to. A trap. Maybe not an intentional trap, but a mind trap. And now I feel my mind deteriorate again...I am thinking about thinking about thinking about feeling about imagined injury and injustice. about real injury and injustice. about my inability to change it...how do i change me into someone I like? Into someone who can help...because right now I don't know how to help myself. I could blame my partner or my parents or the government or my friends and my past friends. on my fragile sense of self and my sensitivity. but there is no blame to be held except in the palm of my own hand. The choice was made and now I have come full circle to an indecisiveness based on fear that no choice is the "correct" choice.

In the grey areas....where morality is not and the outcome mostly affects you more than anyone else....I still cannot see the forest for the trees. I see white. Nothingness. Endless sleep. My chest hurts. I want to cry all the time. This is pointless. I feel but it's dull. and relaxation is not a term I have ever felt. Not in a long time. Not one I can recall.

I am not suffering the way so many suffer. I suffer at the weakness and impairment of my own mind and judgement. I take the blame for all my injuries, real or imagined. But I do not know how to heal them.

Perhaps, this is simply because I am impatient.

What virtues do I hold...patience not being one of them?

Even writing this I dislike the tone of my own voice in my head. I sound like a sniveling brat who cannot cope. I am a cruel critic and a sore loser. I am smart enough to understand that I am not special but too dumb to see how I can make any real lasting change.

I am too sensitive for this world. The slightest brush against my skin hurts and words spoken in vain may as well be daggers to my fragile identity. I think this is where I have gone awry, I have lost my sense of self. And along with it went my reality and any semblance of stability I thought I could uphold.

I do not know how to pray. But I try, I pray to God in the only way I know; by asking, please God...help me. I do not want to be forsaken. I want to be better. I want to be good. I want to be happy and live a contented life.

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flamingo-writes · 3 years ago

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Ch. 7: Slow Down, Fade Out

Keep You On My Side, Chapter 7: Slow Down, Fade Out

Andrew Garfield!Peter Parker x [Female] Reader

[Previous] [Next]

A/N: Sorry for the delay! I had a crazy week full of events, both busy at work and with a shit of personal things going on ToT but here it is!

Summary: Peter receives an email from MJ and makes a choice that'll come with a high price, however, Peter couldn't even care about the repercussions of his decisions. You on the other hand, come across someone you wish you'd never see again, and have to deal with the crushing rush of emotions this person left you with.

Warnings: mentions of gaslighting/psychological abuse, PTSD, panic attack,

Word Count: 4.4 K

‘I’d like to buy some of your pics

From: Blank Notebook <[email protected]>

To me

In light of the recent events, I've noticed people have been making a lot of unfair accusations towards Spiderman. It's not a secret that I am a supporter and fan of the wrongly demonised vigilante. And I'd like to share my point of view on the matter like I've done so many times in the past. I was commissioned by a magazine to write an article with my genuine opinion. And I'd like to help a fellow freelancer and include some of your pictures in the article.

I came across your name serendipitously, and saw that you're also a freelance photographer asides of working for Jameson. Now, I know what Jameson has to say on the matter, and I don't know for sure where your opinions on Spiderman stand, but I am here with a business proposal. This is merely business, completely detached from our personal opinions and feelings. I wish to buy pictures of Spiderman from you. I know you're the photographer who can actually provide me with the most decent pictures.

I know you're the photographer for The Daily Bogle, and know Jameson can be quite a man to work with. If you choose to decline, I'll understand completely. However, I think it'd be nice to have one of your pictures in an article that'll help people open their eyes and perhaps take some of the weight off their shoulders.

I'll be waiting for your reply, however, I do have to hand in my article before 3pm tomorrow. I'm willing to discuss prices and I'm open to any conditions you may have on the matter.

With nothing else to say, I hope you're having a good night.

-MJ’

Peter gazed at Gwen’s pic, thinking how good the timing was. That awful article had come that morning, and MJ just now had sent him an email. It was pretty late. He’d just talked to you, and almost blew off his cover, and was having a very rough time dealing with the negative attention Jameson had given Spiderman.

In his corkboard, MJ’s note was still there. ‘ Just like you, I’m someone concealing my identity ’ written with handwriting strikingly similar to yours. How many times he’d thought out scenarios in his head in which you were MJ. Wouldn’t this just be perfect? He thought. You, as MJ, were willing to defend Spiderman just when he was having a rough time.

Feeling slightly dizzy with all the emotions overwhelming him, he didn’t think twice and started replying to the email from his phone.

‘ Hey, MJ. I'm glad you contacted me, I'm a fan of your writing, and support your points of view regarding Spiderman. I'm in. I'll sell you a few of my best Spiderman shots, just one condition. Make sure I'm credited for the pictures.’ He typed and hit the send button.

He knew having his name in MJ’s article would be risky. Perhaps even get him fired. But right now he was particularly mad at Jameson. He still didn’t have a lot of photography jobs, but he couldn’t stand Jameson’s mood swings any longer. His incriminating articles, and the constant threats of firing him while Peter hides his tail between his legs and begs like a sad pup to not be fired. Perhaps if he had a little bit more free time, he’d be able to offer more jobs. Perhaps even sell Spiderman pics to other papers, magazines…He was simply tired. So absolutely tired of everything at the moment. He knew his actions were going to bite him in the ass soon, but right now, he didn’t even care.

Wednesday morning, the office was a roaring mess. Jameson’s yelling echoing loudly, stumping, and low murmurs of the other employees. As Peter pushed the door open to the Bogle’s floor, it seemed as if they all instantly had gone mute. Feeling dreadfully uncomfortable, Peter gazed back into the ocean of scared stares.

One in particular felt like having a gun pointed at him.

“Parker!” Jameson roared.

And just with that, Peter knew what was gonna happen.

As Jameson went on a screaming rant, very publicly calling him out in front of everyone, he went colourful and creative with all the names he called Peter. Scolding him for having done such a thing like selling pictures to that bastard MJ, when Peter knew that Jameson no longer wanted to work with him. For collaborating in defending that anonymous scaredy cat who plays “hero”.

The consequences were biting Peter’s ass. But after the roaring rage Jameson ravaged on him somehow helped Peter go back into the same mental state he was a few nights ago. Despite his enhanced senses, he managed to turn down Jameson’s screaming in his mind as he focused on the popping vein the old man had in his forehead.

At some point, Peter looked into Gloria’s shocked stare and Ned’s terrified eyes. Feeling sorry for the only two people who tried getting to know him and were friendly to him. He felt slightly nostalgic thinking he was going to miss them, even though he never really spent a lot of time with either outside of the office.

By the time Jameson had run out of breath, and his eyes seemed to pop out any second now, Peter stared at him dead in the eye. And with the most calm voice, Peter didn’t know he could ever do at Jameson, he said:

“You done?”

On the other hand, Jameson’s eyes finally seemed to pop out of anger.

“Don’t you dare talk back at me–”

“Okay, so you’re not done, fine…go on” Peter replied sassily as Jameson’s head turned big and red and hot.

“One more word and you’re out of here” He barked, as Peter nodded.

“You’re gonna fire me?” He spat. “Good, because I was going to quit anyways” He chuckled and walked to his cubicle.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Parker?”

“What does it look like, I’m grabbing my things. I have better things to do than hearing you yell at me on a daily basis” Peter barked.

“Peter…” Gloria purred looking at him. “Is everything okay?”

“Perfect. Never been better….” He whispered back at her “I can finally leave this place” He replied with a cheeky grin.

“You mediocre photographer, get out of here, I can find a new photographer before lunch break”

“Yeah? Good for you, Jameson” Peter said as he shoved the few things in his cubicle into his backpack.

Jameson kept yelling at him as Peter ignored him, actively acting as if he couldn’t hear a thing. He looked at Gloria, winked at her before looking at Ned and made a peace sign with his fingers before heading to the door and walking out, heading to the elevator as he smiled with a cheeky grin as he pressed the button on the wall. From the glass doors to the office, he could still see Jameson throwing his tantrum, as the adrenaline in his bloodstream kept pumping.

He’d just quit his job. Oh, he was in trouble, but right now, he was enjoying the epinephrine running through his body, as if he felt as if he’d just ran a marathon. Knowing he’d eventually have to deal with his now lack of a job, he knew he’d be able to come up with a solution. Perhaps stress about it later on, but currently he wanted to enjoy and savour the taste of his new freedom and the satisfaction of finally talking back to Jameson.

You’d heard your receiving a text, although at the time you were too busy in the coffee shop to properly check what it had been. Between customers arriving all at once, and the small breaks between rush waves, you forgot entirely that you even owned a phone in the first place. You didn’t see Peter’s text telling you he was on his way to The Coffee Pot with news. And so, seeing him walking through the doors, at this particular time, was odd. Quite a surprise.

He walked in, calling your name in a dreamy loud sigh as you smirked.

“You’re happy” You pointed out giggling.

“Oh, I am. Of course I am…” He said. “I shouldn’t. But I am” You chuckled and raised an eyebrow waiting for whatever he was going to say. “I quit my job”

"What?"

"I sold some pics to MJ, Jameson got pissed, I went to the office, he yelled at me, threatened to fire me and then I quit" He said in an excited rush. "I am unemployed, I'll probably have to move in with my aunt May again, but that's fine, I guess…"

"I am not giving you coffee while you're in that rush…" You chuckled.

"No, no, it's fine. I don’t have money for coffee...I won't let you buy me coffee twice a week...I just wanted to see you. And vent…" He purred looking into your eyes and smiling. "God, I shouldn't feel this happy over quitting my job…"

"Count your blessings, not anyone can say that…" You giggled. "Okay, so no coffee. Can I offer you some water? Now, that's free"

"I’ll take water, why, thanks, kind lady…” He purred as you rolled your eyes with a smirk and grabbed a glass.

You were about to reply to Peter when you looked up and saw someone walking past the glass door. It was nothing. Just a quick glance of a passerby, but you swore he looked back at you and your stares met for a brief second that stretched out to become a full year as your body quickly reacted to the unwanted memories that came along.

You dropped the glass, as it quickly scattered on the floor. Peter, Andy, and even Kylie and the cooks stopped what they were doing and looked your way.

It all really happened so fast. But as the glass was falling, time for you seemed to go unbearably slow as your stare lingered on his . Your body squeezing painfully as you felt as if someone was strangling your lungs, a lump taking over your throat, and your heart quickly made it to your ears, beating too loud, too strong, and too fast.

Were you dying ? It certainly felt like it. A pounding in your head making your entire body feel like jelly, feeling, swearing like your knees were going to give up on you.

You heard the crashing of the glass as you finally managed to look away. As you looked down, you noticed the shaking of your hand and the loud buzz of your ear as Peter’s and Andy’s voices drowned in the background. You took a step back, leaning against the kitchenette behind you as Kylie called your name as well from the small window between the kitchen and the coffee bar. Your eyes glued to the glass now fragmented all over the floor.

"Mi-Miles?" Your voice broke and shook in a desperate call, like a kid who'd just woken up from a nightmare asking for her parents. "Whe-where's Miles?" You asked scared as you looked around, as the very familiar faces around you now seemed blurry and everything seemed to move slower than usual.

"Call Miles and put him on speaker now, Andy!" Kylie ordered, her usually sweet voice now turning into a rough command.

"On it, ma'am" Andy said as he had anticipated her order and was already looking for Miles's contact.

Peter grabbed your face in his hands as you turned your face to meet your face, calling your name in a low and gentle voice.

"I need you to focus on me for a sec, okay?" He purred. "Look at me, yes, love?" He said, his voice turning into a soft whisper. "I want you to describe as best as you can what I'm wearing right now. Colours, textures, materials, be as specific as you can…Can you do that?" He said softly as you gulped and looked down at him and nodded.

Before you could even begin, Miles picked up the phone, now on speaker as Andy talked.

"Miles, something happened, Loonie is freaking out and she asked for you" He said as hearing Miles's name, your mind went blank and immediately focused. "You're on speaker, man"

"Oh, shit, not good…" He said as your heart stopped still for a second.

"Miles?" You cried, your eyes getting teary.

"Yes, I am here, sis. I'm here. What happened?"

"Miles, h-he ...I sa-saw hi-him …" You sobbed as Peter looked alarmed at Andy, and Miles cursed softly on the other end. " He-he's back….he-he-here in…. " You sniffed softly, hugging yourself with your arms. " He's …"

"Hey, hey, hey...it's fine. Don't worry. I gotcha…" Miles said. "Take a deep breath…"

"Miles, he saw me…" You sobbed, as Miles groaned a low curse again.

"Andy, get her outta there...she's having a panic attack…"

"No shit, man…" Andy replied sarcastically. "I can't though, I'm at work and we're pretty much the only baristas here…"

"I'll do it," Peter said.

"Who's that?" Miles asked.

"Peter"

"Oh great, yeah. Take her outta there, man...Keep her distracted, get her something warm to drink…"

"Where should I-"

"The exact opposite direction Gallagher went…"

Peter frowned confused as he looked at Andy, who was now exchanging surprised stares with Kylie.

"Who's…"

"My ex…" You purred as you ran your hands through your face.

"Hey," Miles said, calling your name. "Everything's gonna be alright, hey? I'll buy sushi for dinner, so, look forward to that, yeah?" He said as you chuckled bitterly and nodded.

"She nodded…" Andy said.

"Good, Peter, take her wherever, even take her home or whatever but do not leave her alone, she has the bad habit of spiraling in her thoughts when something related to that guy happens…"

As you were trying to calm yourself down, your mind insisted on replaying the scene over and over and over again. However, you tried to focus on something else. In your mind, you were doing what Peter had asked you to do earlier, as you tried to think of a detailed description of Peter’s outfit in an attempt to keep your mind elsewhere.

"I'll be fine, Miles…" You said breathless as you closed your eyes and took a deep and slow breath.

"Yeah? You better" Miles said in a playful threatening voice as you nodded with a soft smile.

"She nodded again"

"Kay...Peter, look after her. Keep me updated, I'll get home as soon as I get a chance…" He said.

"Yessir" Peter said.

"Thanks, man," Andy replied.

Peter looked at you and gently as you sighed deeply, still shaking a little bit.

"I-Im...so sorry guys…" You whispered, as Peter gently rested his hand on your arms and gave it a gentle squeeze as you met his stare shyly.

You were ready to start cleaning the mess you made, when Andy stopped you, telling you he'd handle it. And before you could complain, Peter gently called your name.

"C'mon" He purred softly as you looked into his eyes and nodded softly and followed him. Before walking out of the coffee shop, he stopped and looked at you.

You met his stare and smiled softly, the smile, however, hardly reaching your eyes. He sighed and pulled you in for a hug as you at once wrapped your arms around him and held on to him desperately as his arms held you tightly. He whispered your name softly, rubbing your back softly. From the shaking of your shoulders and chest, he could tell you were silently sobbing against his chest.

"It's okay…" He purred softly as he ran a hand through your hair gently.

"I'm sorry…"

"What for? It's fine…"

"I need a shower…" You groaned softly. "Or else, I'll feel all ugh, and my face will be all swollen and puffy…"

"Let's take you home, love…" He purred as he broke the hug and looked at you as you nodded and cleaned your tears.

“Why the pet name?” You purred shyly, feeling your heart skip a beat.

Peter blushed lightly and looked away and cleared his throat, trying to come up with an answer.

"In case it helped…" He replied awkwardly. "Did it?"

"Yeah…" You sighed, feeling a weird heaviness in your eyelids after the spontaneous attack. "Let's head home, please…"

Peter walked you home, talking about his favourite science project in high school. Truth was, he was doing everything in his power to keep you distracted. Either from your thoughts of the memories of what happened.

Once back at The Gallery, you headed for your room grabbing clean pyjamas. Peter, on the other hand, walked into a somewhat familiar place. No longer feeling like a stranger there. He wondered what would happen next. Was he supposed to leave?

"Peter?" You purred, breaking him from his thoughts. "Do you mind waiting while I shower?"

Oh, so he was going to stay.

"Not at all…" He said walking closer to you.

"Thank you" You purred as your eyes met his before you looked down shyly. "FeelFeel free to use the TV, or...the X box…You can even go into my room and look for something to read…" You sighed.

“Oh, now I’m interested to see your collection of books” He said with a gentle smile. As you raised your eyebrow, and opened your mouth to speak, he added, “You can learn about people from the books they read”

“I have quite a collection” You chuckled and guided him to your room. “Thing is, I like to read about a little bit of everything…” You sighed softly.

Peter wasn’t sure what to expect of your room. Something small and cosy for sure. But he wasn’t ready for what he was about to see. Small, cosy, check. A few plants by a window…the firescape on the other side of the glass –convenient for him, he thought–, a small table and a chair, the table piled with notebooks and paper, pens scattered around.

And bookshelves. Many, many bookshelves. And all of them covered in books, with books stacked on top of the books. And just like you told him, of all sorts. Fiction, classic authors, names Peter didn’t recognize, poetry, plays, non fiction, physics, maths, biographies. He looked around fascinated.

“Have you read them all?” He purred.

“Not really. Is a slow process. I usually get obsessed with some topic, and binge read a bunch about the subject. Others were impulsive buys, but I am trying to go through them…Also when I’m looking for inspiration or just references, I go through them…”

“I mean, I guess it makes sense if you’re a writer…” He chuckled.

“Feel free to pick whatever…” You sighed softly.

Peter gazed at you as you gently brushed your hand over the small table, making his gaze fall there. A stack of pages capturing his attention as he followed you walking closer and seeing the page at the top of a stack with a big binder clip as he read your name on it, and underneath.

“Is this your draft?”

As you were ready to exit the room, you stopped and turned around, tiredly looking at the small desk in your room.

“Yeah, the first few chapters…” You purred. “It’s the first draft…You can read that too, just…ignore my editor’s notes. I have a second draft on my computer, but it’s not that different, just a few editions and proofreading…” You said smiling softly.

As you went into the shower, using the running water as therapy to relax and get your mind off the intense roller coaster, Peter gladly walked out of your room into the living room and sat on the largest couch. In the first pages you had a small summary of the entire book, which Peter questioned whether to read or not, since he genuinely didn’t want to spoil the story and perhaps read it once it got published. However, he read the first few paragraphs, before going to the first chapter.

It didn’t surprise him, at all, that your book was about a revolution. The main character, Mark Jensen met Sam McKenna while travelling to a foreign country. Sam, who was deeply involved in a rebellious group, soon absorbed Mark into his world, as Mark learned about the injustice and oppression from the government, and how the rebellious group wanted for things to change. Mark, a foreigner and completely unrelated to this country’s business, kept a close eye, wanted to get involved, but was kept off everything because he wasn’t directly affected by the corrupted government. Sam fell in love with Mark, however, Mark was incapable of falling in love. Mark, however, kept a journal with everything that was happening.

Peter didn’t get to read a lot, at most the first few pages where Mark meets Sam, when you got out of the shower. As you reached the couch, he looked up and greeted you with a kind smile.

“Hey there, you’re clean” He said softly. “Feeling better?”

“A lot, actually…” You sighed and sat next to him. “What do you think?”

“I like it…” He said, “You’re very good at writing atmospheres…”

“I thank Ray Bradbury for that…He’s amazing and setting up atmospheres, usually suspenseful and creepy, but I take most of my inspiration from him…” You explained softly.

He couldn’t shake the idea that your writing felt oddly familiar off his head. The way your beautiful poetic prose painted images in his head like a soft brush on a canvas was so reminiscent of some of MJ’s essays at times.

MJ…

It…couldn’t be a coincidence…could it? He thought. He even felt tempted to ask you, but he didn’t know how. Or even if it was the best timing, considering what had happened earlier. If you were MJ –which he was almost positive of by this point– how many people knew? He thought Miles most likely did. Lauren too...who else?

That night, god, that night you couldn't stop thinking about it. After Miles arrived with Japanese take out, the three of you had dinner and chatted back and forth. It was still early but Peter could tell you were tired and left early.

Of course, you walked him to the door, and before he said goodbye, he kissed your forehead and left. God, the burning sensation of his lips against your skin was still there by the time you walked back up to your apartment, floating on a cloud, Miles noticed your behaviour and knew something had happened.

You were falling so hard for him.

On the other hand, Peter, who was also quite dreamy and replaying the scene in his head. It was so simple, and yet, god, he felt amazing. He would've loved to properly kiss you, but decided against it because you'd already had a roller coaster of emotions, he didn't wish to overwhelm you any further. Boy, his heart was still beating fast and hard against his chest.

"So, see you on Friday after your shift?" He asked, looking at you tenderly.

You nodded silently meeting his stare as you felt your heart race. "Sure…" You purred. "See you at the coffee pot…"

"See you then," He smiled as he noticed the leftover traces of all the anxiety in your eyes. "Hey, we've got you, yes?" You nodded, feeling a soft squeeze in your heart.

Peter rested a hand on your shoulder and leaned closer kissing your forehead as your breath hitched gently and you closed your eyes. His heart beating on his throat, as he wished it had been your lips instead. But he knew better than to keep adding to the roller coaster of emotions. This would still bring strong emotions, but not as strong as a proper kiss.

It was so hard to get you out of his head that night. He was in ecstasy. Throughout the entire night and Thursday. He felt tempted to go see you the next day, wondering what were the chances of you going to The Coffee Pot on your free day, even if it was to write, but he preferred to wait for Friday.

And after Friday went unbearingly slow for him, for you it went by in a blink. Your mind kept circling about the incident with Gallagher, and you talked about it with Miles that morning, telling him about what if you saw him again and whatnot. Your feelings for Gal were surely long gone. However, the damage he’d made…it left some horrible sequels in your body. You were now scared of the guy. And now that you were close to have something with Peter, just when your life was starting to take some shape, Gal decided to show up.

By Friday, you'd managed to digest and somewhat deal with Gal's return. The idea of potentially coming across him was scary, and you knew it wasn't going to be easy to get over the psychological damage he left you. But with a little help from your friends, perhaps it was going to be easier. Therapy would be a good option too if it wasnt so expensive.

Shortly before you ended your shift, Peter arrived at the Coffee Pot with a wide grin. As you met his stare, you smiled back at him, feeling your heart skipping a beat.

"You're early" You chuckled as you pointed out the time as you still had five minutes before your shift ended.

After those five minutes, you excused Peter to go change in the bathroom as you didn't want to arrive to May’s house with the coffee shop uniform shirt and changed it for something else. Something that felt more like you, something that looked good and was still comfortable.

Stepping out, Peter looked at you and felt breathless. The shirt had something to with it, but for the most part, it was the fact that he was going to go out with him.

You walked, stopping in front of him with a shy smile as he looked back at you and mirrored the grin.

"Hey" You purred.

"Hi" He chuckled.

Anyone who saw from a distance could tell you two were very much into each other. Easily confused as people who were already dating. And that's the exact thing Gallagher thought when he saw you from across the glass door. Camouflaged by everyday clothes and hidden among the people walking on the sidewalk.

So you had moved on, despite everything . And were now dating some guy. ~~~~~~~~

Thank you so much for reading! Likes and comments are very well appreciated!

Taglist (open): If you’d like to be added to the tag list, let me know!

@abibliophobiaa @andrewgarfield2022 @edgycatx @lendeluxe @darlingbravebelle @lauraneedstochill @tagakalat @jenoslov @kdatthecastle @natt9598 @jannieka394 @ouralcohol@fandomscombine

#tasm peter x reader #andrew!peter x reader #tasm imagine #andrew garfield!peter parker x reader #tasm x reader #tasm peter parker #andrew garfield!spiderman x reader #peter parker x reader #andrew!peter imagine #andrew garfield #andrew!peter parker #peter parker imagine #kyoms

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earthstellar · 1 year ago

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#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #AMZING ARTICLE #LOL what ever wave length it is #its working cuz i def saw the white brother being like a alcoholic like anxity run engex drinking just trying to his best kinda of guy #got me thinking of a whole new lore #LOL well now i guess he on cocaine too now #maybe a a failed medic too alflhsfkdjf #def torturing ocs territory now #meanwhile red's got himself together #i am chewing on the TABLE

These tags!!! <3 Happy to hear it gave you stuff to think about, I like your ideas!

It's fun watching everyone find out that the entire medical residency system was developed by someone who was so zonked on powder all the time that he became legendary for it, lmao sigh (healthcare needs reforms so badly in so many ways, oh my god)

The idea of the stripey brother being an alcoholic struggling medic also tracks; I feel a long post coming on, here we gooooo:

The Difficulty in Identifying Substance Abuse Problems in Healthcare Staff: Self-Reporting

It's been identified that because many alcoholic medical staff members tend to be high-functioning alcoholics (and because most statistics on substance abuse amongst healthcare workers rely on self-reporting, which most won't do out of fear of losing their medical licenses or other professional repercussions), it's notoriously hard to identify what the actual occurrence rate of alcoholism or substance abuse actually is within this cohort.

So most medical staff who struggle with alcoholism or other types of substance abuse are often never identified as such.

Which is obviously a huge problem in many ways, but when you ask healthcare staff to self-report on their own health problems, it's often the case that they won't.

"Studies report that at least 10 to 12 percent of healthcare professionals will develop a substance use disorder during their careers, including at least 1 in 10 physicians, and 1 in 5 nurses. These numbers are higher than the general population; however, they are likely even larger than this because medical professionals are notorious for underreporting substance abuse disorders." - Source - Alcohol Rehab Guide, USA (2022)

Part of this is because of ableism in healthcare, which affects staff members too.

Ableism in Healthcare and the Negative Impact on Staff: The Fear of Seeking Help

Especially when it comes to substance abuse and mental health concerns, medical staff are often scared to reach out for help out of fear of discrimination or losing their careers due to struggling with their own health, to the degree that there are specific resources and services made solely to encourage healthcare workers struggling with their health to reach out and access care.

And this applies to other health concerns as well; I do not disclose my disabilities until after I have been hired and have already been onboarded. I have done this for every job I've ever had, but this includes my healthcare jobs. My disabilities do not interfere with my roles and duties, and even if they did to some degree, certain accommodations are available to prevent those potential issues-- But discrimination is a concern throughout the hiring process and elsewhere.

The general fear of ableism is very real, because it persists within most healthcare systems as a major form of systemic discriminatory bias.

The fear among staff is that disabled staff or staff who may have health issues in general may be considered "incompetent" or inappropriate for the job (especially jobs working in healthcare), no matter how experienced or qualified, and irrespective of actual impact on their abilities to continue working in at least some capacity.

Among doctors/surgeons in particular, a big fear is that if they report their own health concerns, their career may be at risk because their local/national medical board may revoke their license to practice medicine (or equivalent, as certification systems can vary regionally) for at least some period of time while they seek treatment (typically until a second health assessment can be carried out at the very least, although requirements will vary), and it is often a lengthy, invasive, and difficult process to get that licensure/certification/etc. back.

This leads to a lot of healthcare staff hiding any health concerns they might have or might develop; A lot of people will never fully disclose at any point due to these fears, which is obviously less than ideal for everyone.

On the upside, this has already been identified as a major concern in many if not most healthcare systems, and while ableism remains a huge issue in healthcare in general, there are more and more targeted resources popping up in an effort to reach out to healthcare staff in particular, so that safe spaces can be provided for staff to seek help.

At the centre of the issue though, is ableism. And until the systemic ableism is addressed, then the issue of poor self-reporting and the underutilisation of health resources for healthcare staff will continue.

Providing resources for healthcare staff to seek help is great and very much needed, but is functionally only a bandage for the underlying problem of ableism; If staff remain afraid to raise their own health concerns, then that hesitation will still be there, even if resources are provided.

Specific Causes Contributing to Prevalence of Certain Health Concerns Among Medical Staff

There are lots of different factors involved when considering how certain health issues may develop in healthcare workers specifically, but it's known that moral injury and occupational distress are two factors that tend to impact healthcare workers more significantly than many other cohorts.

"44% of doctors binge-drank and 5% met the criteria for alcohol dependence; 24%–29% experienced negative emotions after overeating and 8% had a binge-eating disorder; 20%–61% had some type of sleep problem and 12% had severe/moderate insomnia; 69% had fatigue and 19%–29% experienced other types of ill health problems. The results show that occupational distress and job factors increase the odds of doctors using substances, having sleep problems, presenting with frequent symptoms of ill health and binge-eating." - Source - British Medical Journal, UK (2019)

---

So it's actually a pretty realistic idea to have a medic character struggling with substance abuse, and I like it specifically because we rarely see depictions of medical staff struggling with their own health issues-- Despite the fact that it's a common concern.

I'm sure that engex abuse (and potentially other substance abuse) may have presented itself as a major concern for Cybertronian medics, especially during and after the war, but even just in general.

(I touched on this as a theme in my fic "A Taste of His Own Medicine", in which Ratchet doses himself semi-regularly with anxiolytics and tries to hide it.)

It might be interesting to see the stripey brother struggle with his ability to objectively recognise his own substance abuse as a serious concern, while also having difficulty reaching out for help due to fear of being labelled a "failed medic". (But this is just me thinking out loud-- Feel free to ignore me!)

Anyway, I hope this information was interesting or useful, and obviously I love your OC concepts! :)

dratchrod kids

#tw substance abuse #tw drug mention #tw alcoholism #tw alcohol #reply #long post #medbay posting #tw ableism #idw ratchet #transformers #tfp ratchet #the ratchet tags are mostly due to linking my fic lmao

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