#see- MOST problems can be understood when you actually choose to have empathy enough to understand

[snekdood]

"why didnt the mass shooter just go after politicians???"

you're thinking about it in the way you would do it if you were in that state of mind

it's usually not even actually about politics and is more often about interpersonal issues. the politics only exist to justify their actions, they're not the reason for them per se

if people ACTUALLY listened to the people who research this phenomenon you'd realize most mass shooters do it bc of a shitty upbringing of some sort, which is why the real solution is making sure no one feels so hated that they start to despise "everyone" (their mind distorts and PERCEIVES its everyone even if its just a small group of people) for making them feel hated and if you have way to easy of access to firearms, which is one of the biggest reasons mass shootings happen, you might decide thats the best way to "deal" with a world that "hates" you.

[maikingsenseofit]

The problem with Zutara: Katara through the lens of Zuko

In this last part, we debunked the claims that a lot of the symbolism and imagery in the show represented Zvtara, when they very clearly paralleled Kataang. The next part of this meta addresses claims that Zuko and Katara knew each other and cared for each other more than their canonical partners, and I couldn’t wait to get into this. You see, on a surface level and with very cherry picked scenes, anyone can try and make that case. And I’m not going to deny the significance of their eventual beautiful friendship. However let’s analyze how much Zuko and Katara really understood each other, and if they really cared for one another or made a better fit for each other more than Mai or Aang. I’ll be referencing common Anti-Maiko/Anti-Kataang arguments here.

During the Crossroads of Destiny episode, we witness something remarkable. Two people, torn apart by a war, brought together by circumstance. And Katara does something even more amazing, for the first time she sees Zuko not as an enemy, but as a boy whose circumstances have taken a great toll on him too. He’s not just the face of the enemy. He lost his mother too. And she does something even more incredible, she offers to heal Zuko’s scar with her precious spirit water, even though he had wronged her and her friends, chased them relentlessly, almost killed them sverral times, taunted her over a precious token from her mom, you get the story. So despite having no obligations, she reaches out and takes a chance on him.

They’re eventually pulled apart. Katara later realizes that her efforts and empathy did not mean anything to Zuko, as despite it all, he still sides with his sister in an effort to gain his precious honor. Meaning, contrary to popular belief, that at this moment he did not care enough about Katara to choose her amity over his personal quest. Hell, he thought betraying his own uncle was worth it in the quest for honor. So why is this important?

Because not once when Zuko returns to the fire nation, does he express any guilt over betraying Katara personally. Not once do we see him take the second to remember the pain he inflicted upon her, which is even more poignant because she was the first person to trust him, to broach that divide across enemy lines, and to offer something so precious to her to heal him. We see Zuko agonize about betraying his uncle throughout his time, but not Katara. Sure, he was in anguish over trying to be someone he wasn’t in the fire nation, but the audience never once sees Zuko remember or mention the water tribe girl through the lens of her significant act of bravery and compassion. Even more, he only remembers their interaction in the context of how the Avatar could be alive - and how this further jeopardizes his position as Ozai’s son.

So much for thinking about the water tribe girl who put herself at risk to help you, huh Zuko. (Btw I’m not actually hating on him and nor do I think this makes him a bad character or bad fit with Mai, I’m just pointing out some glaring misconceptions about how he thinks of Katara)

And this becomes all the more evident when Katara doesn’t immediately accept him into the group. Zuko is actually bewildered by the fact that she doesn’t become friends with him as immediately as the rest of the Gaang. But the cherry on top is when Zuko has the audacity to get upset and frustrated with Katara, exclaiming

“This isn't fair. Everyone else seems to trust me now. What is it with you?”

It’s here. Plain as day and written in text. Zuko could not even remember the most pivotal aspect of the start of his relationship with Katara, the one that shippers claim has even more poignance and development than any scene from the canon ships. What Katara is so clearly hurt and impacted by, so much so that she was the only one to initially remain distrustful of Zuko when everyone else wasnt, and constantly verbalized that distrust - did not even hold the same weight to Zuko. It was a fleeting moment to him on his journey to find and redeem himself, but represented everything to Katara. And it shows on her face and in her words when she says this next:

And the cherry on top of the cherry on top of this is that when Zuko enters Sokka’s tent, he STILL can’t fathom why Katara hates him.

Zuko: Your sister, she hates me! And I don't know why! But I do care what she thinks of me.

WAIT. DIDNT Zuko JUST hear Katara when she said he betrayed the precious trust she placed in him? How his actions led to her witnessing the death (and revival) of her best friend? How he relentlessly attacked her in the cave after almost immediately forgetting her compassion? And it must be asked at this moment why Zuko cares about what Katara thinks of him. Because even At this point, he still fails to acknowledge the extent that his actions had on her.

Had Katara never taken the chance to verbalize her feelings, Zuko would have carried on with the Gaang, not being aware of or having more remorse over his personal betrayal to Katara. Would Zuko have come to this realization himself if Katara never explicitly told him? If it didn’t impede his ability to form a strong alliance with everyone in the Gaang in order to work together to take down Ozai?

And that’s when I become puzzled over statements like “Zuko cared about Katara and understood her on a way deeper level than Aang ever did.” Because what we see her is quite the opposite of that. Zuko only remembered Katara’s spirit water and how it put a wrench in his plans, but couldn’t remember Katara herself. He couldn’t couldn’t recall his betrayal of her in the cave, couldn’t understand her initial hatred even after she pointed it out, and used the opportunity to hunt her mother’s killer to redeem himself in her eyes. Something that would have never happened until the narrative called for it.

Speaking of the last part, the other common Zvtara argument I see is “Zuko understood Katara’s pain and allowed her to feel it. Aang shut it down.”

At this point it’s becoming a game of selective ignorance. Because the shippers will claim that “Aang compared something as serious as Kya’s death to the trivial temporary loss of an animal” without acknowledging the literal next thing he says, which is:

“How do you think I felt about the Fire Nation when I found out what happened to my people?”

Which IS a fair comparison. Aang mentions the genocide of his family to empathize with Katara’s loss of her mother.

And they also pretend that Aang shut Katara down completely in order to force his values down her throat and discourage her from going on the trip, which is in blatant ignorance of when Aang says this:

“I wasn't planning to. This is a journey you need to take. You need to face this man. [Katara situates herself on Appa's head.] But when you do, please don't choose revenge. Let your anger out, and then let it go. Forgive him.”

And Yeah, Katara chose not to forgive her mothers killer. As she should. But let’s not forget what she does at the end, which is to let her anger out and then let it go. She ultimately did not choose revenge. And Aang knows this.

Because Aang witnessed Katara cry in regret when she learned about blood bending, something Zuko never witnessed. And he knows the toll that killing a person would take on Katara, someone who is inherently compassionate and wishes to see the good in everyone. Who was willing to put aside the injustices she faced at the hands of the Fire Nation to truly help the enemy she had every right to hate, like how she helped the village as the Painted Lady and reached out to Zuko in the cave. Something else Zuko never truly grasps till much later, because why else was it so hard for him to remember her poignant compassionate act?

And lastly, when Zuko blocks Azula’s lightning strike directed at Katara. While a lot of shippers claim, as they are free to do so, that Zuko did this because of his profound and undying love for Katara and that he couldn’t fathom living in a world without her, I can’t help but think back to this post where Zuko would have done the exact same thing if it was any member of the Gaang in her position. Much less that, but do you think he would hesitate to throw himself in front of Azula if it was Mai in Katara’s position?

Because it doesn’t matter who it was. As part of Zuko’s final act of redemption, he realizes that true honor comes from doing the right thing, not for personal validation. The reason for Katara’s presence isn’t romantic - but it exists narratively because this is the same girl he betrayed to join his sister in order to validate himself in his father’s eyes. Emphasis on HIMSELF. But after this entire journey, it doesn’t matter whether Zuko lives or dies. Because at this moment, Zuko realizes that saving the world and doing the right thing is worth more than a trivial Pat on the back from his father. There is a lot of poignance from the authors choosing Katara to be there, instead of Toph or even Momo. But to say that this act is because Zuko had this undying romantic love for Katara that was never fully realized is undermining his whole arc.

As I’m writing this I realize that my qualm isn’t about people shipping Zvtara in the first place. I too have such ships. But it’s the fact that people who ship them use this a tool to further the agenda that Zuko never loved and cared about Mai as much as he did Katara or Katara with Aang . I remember reading this post from a blog called the crooked pen when I initially joined the fandom, who attempted to upholster Zvtara through this argument:

Now literally replace that second sentence with Katara. Not once does Zuko mention Katara after Ba Sing Se during the time he was at the fire nation. He only remembers their interaction as an obstacle preventing him from reaching his goal. He obsesses over his betrayal of Iroh for a great deal, however. And This is after Katara willingly put herself at risk, knowing the consequences, by extending the olive branch and almost giving him her spirit water to heal. And people want to convince me that he had this unfulfilled, undying love for Katara that he never had for Mai, despite him taking the extra precautions to protect her physically through a letter, even if it meant hurting her and himself emotionally, and literally giving us the biggest smile we had ever seen from him when he mentioned her?

Which makes this second part even more frivolous because there’s a reason why he cares about the opinion of water tribe girl, and it’s not because he’s deeply and irrevocably in love with her and has much more to do with it being the last piece of the puzzle of a strong alliance, built on trust, to take down evil, once and for all.

Also please refer to @thethiefandtheairbender’s post about him “forgetting” her in prison, when in reality she was freed before everyone formally was at his coronation.

Anyways, this is one of the reasons why I personally never saw the potential in what people claim to be infinitely better than the original canon ships. The next part is Zuko through the lens of Katara. Let me know your thoughts!

[darlingbudsofrae]

Neil Josten Appreciation Post

Foxes Appreciation Series : 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 ||

Alright, let’s just start this by addressing the big elephant in the room: everyone loves Neil Josten. EVERYONE.

If you don’t, you’re lying. 

Okay, first up- I’m glad this is getting addressed more on AFTG tumblr but Neil is literally so much smarter than the fandom gives him credit for.

Like yes, he’s a little dumdum on the social aspect of things (you could argue he kind of has a low EQ but also not really, I would argue that later)

but that doesn’t dismiss that he is smart af and that he can kill you and make it look natural if he wants.

For example, he literally outrun and hid from the mafia for years. Like, that in itself is an obvious point but we often forget that he did this at a very young age.

Like, he was presumably what? 16?? (when Mary kicked the bucket?) And kid was already playing hide and seek pretty well with a freaking mafia.

He does not get enough credit for this.

The survival skills it takes- the mental strength to survive as a runaway and technically he’s also homeless- at freaking 16, that’s just insane.

Also, let’s not mention the fact that it takes skills to forge official papers and all that.

We also do not talk enough about Neil and how he freaking have to relearn an entirely new position just to play exy.

I don’t think most remember that he’s actually a backliner, but have to play as a striker because it was the only available position in that local high school he attended in Millport, and that was how Kevin saw him so he was recruited as a striker.

We also additionally do not talk enough about how Kevin “literal and figurative Son of Exy” Day found potential for court in Neil “I’m a backliner but I’m playing striker because it’s the only thing available and I’m an exy junkie” Josten who only played it for like a year or less. 

Like yeah, Kevin said he needs more training but it’s not even Neil’s official position. 

The talent on this man- I cannot, he is such an icon. 

Aside from his great survival skills and being literally great at picking things up- he’s also like freaking academically smart.

Like that also doesn’t get enough credit- I mean, he does math for fun.

Frankly, I think if you did Kumon or if you had an awesome teacher you could also do math for fun (I know I did) but this should be noted with the fact that he didn’t have proper schooling.

He went on a run at a really young age so there is no way he received formal education.

Which means he is naturally like really smart.

He’s also a polyglot. And the languages he has under his belt are all freaking difficult to learn- like, no kidding: French, German, and he can assumingly speak intermediate Spanish, and we don’t even have an idea if this is all the languages he can speak.

Also, he and Andrew learns how to speak Russian, right? Like, that’s crazy.

The brain on this man and the power that he has- my son, I am so proud.

I mean, for all we know- there’s more than that and the fact that he’s like 18 at TFC screams supremacy.

This is where I argue about his EQ but Neil is crazy perceptive.

It took him like freaking 3 seconds to figure out the team dynamics the foxes have, and how to work against it.

He later figured out how to make it all mesh together.

Like the way he do things isn’t conventional but reading him analyze his team despite his lack of empathy really makes me shudder.

Like, this kid is so freaking smart. I remember reading his thought process for the very first time and being like, okay- I definitely did not think about that.

The main problem with his EQ though is that he doesn’t know how to process positive stuff when he’s involved, but when he’s the outsider- his perspective is so amazing.

Like again, he kind of lacks empathy but the way he understands things and is just so sharp is just noteworthy.

I’d argue he doesn’t understand social cues and “modern teen things” but he isn’t so completely clueless on the social aspect in general as to not manipulate an entire team of misfits with issues to work together.

He’s literally the key to unity in AFTG. Even Dan says so.

Also, the way he puts things into play- like he’s a master manipulator, and I love that for him.

We do not talk enough about manipulative Neil, like I just really love manipulative characters in general so much- especially if they’re just owning it. 

I mean, he freaking manipulated Andrew and Aaron into therapy. Kind of evil but also wow. (just a sidenote, please don’t force people into therapy lol)

Going completely dark for a second, Neil also has a freaking high pain tolerance.

The amount of horrible things he went through in the books were just so sad and the fact that he just kind of moves on from it? That’s just completely oh my gods.

My poor summer child, even if you can kill me at any given time, let me just hug you for a second with consent.

Everyone also gives shit about Neil’s fashion choices and granted it is said he kind of bags the homeless looks but the fact that he values utility above all else-

Yes, we stan a resourceful king. 

Lowkey though, am I the only one who appreciate Neil’s average style?

Speaking of style- I love the way Neil narrates. Like, the way he doesn’t give much attention to how the character looks- it’s just so realistic?

Because if I’m talking to a person in real life, there is no way I am noting how his blue polo makes him kind of casual but clean-cut and how his brown eyes is as warm as my morning coffee. Like, who even does that?

The thing with Neil’s narration is that it’s just so authentic- like it easily engages the readers and the way he gives importance to every thing the same way, it really makes it easier for the reader to discern things objectively, y’know what I mean?

He just has that quality in a main character and narrator- he’s laidback and sarcastic but not trying too hard, and he’s just really easy to love.

Like, I normally don’t like narrators/main characters in books because I favor a side character more or just because they’re annoying, but Neil Josten is legit lovable. 

At the same time, he’s also a really well-written character. Like, for all the technicalities I point out in AFTG, Neil is an asshole. He’s not perfect and I don’t 100% love everything that he does and I love that.

He’s a flawed character but he gives you something to root for- and I just really want to appreciate his characterization for a second. Most books make their characters’ flaws not even their fault to put a check to the flawed character but at the same time still have that perfect character. Eeww, no- give me real flaws to work with.

He’s one of the realest protagonists I ever read.

Like people give him shit for wanting to hide but also choosing to play a nationwide-discerned sport on an infamous collegiate team but for me it’s kind of realistic.

Because I think we, as human beings, also do things we love too much regardless of logic. I don’t know, like it’s kind of funny the way Neil is written but I honestly didn’t see him joining Palmetto as a loophole.

Like, just think of all those successful people who hid their identities via pseudonym or other necessary means to do things they weren’t expected to do or weren’t allowed to do.

For me, his character was really just looking for excuses to play his favorite sport a second longer and if anything, that’s just kind of sad.

But also, his dedication and love to exy is really admirable- like I never understood it but the way he literally does everything to stay on the court for a second longer just makes me want to root for him.

On a random note, Neil may not have an eidetic memory like Andrew’s but the way he memorize most phone numbers by heart? 

Bruh, I don’t even have my phone number memorized and I freaking have it for two years now. 

He also memorizes every twists and turns at every trip, every exits at a room he enters, and most people’s tics upon the first meeting, and other things and that’s just crazy perceptive but also really crazy on another level.

Also, we don’t get much ace/demi representation and out of the few I’ve consumed, demi Neil Josten validates me. He’s legit my favorite character that belongs in the ace spec in books.

I just really love Neil’s character so much- he’s just so amazing.

One thing I always appreciate about Neil Josten is that while he’s not a total angel (sadly), the way he loves the foxes- like he legit tried to mend the team and make sure everyone is going to be okay before walking straight to his death- like I’m with Andrew on this one, what a fucking martyr. Why are you like this and why am I crying?

Neil Josten is by all means not soft, that much is established, but the way he’s just still as precious and must be protected at all costs-

"You know, I get it," Neil said. "Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you're worth a damn off the court—yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time."

I love him, your honor- where can I file this adoption papers and do I have anything else to sign?

[randomposterofstuff]

On the change of dynamics of Mikasa’s relationships with Eren and Levi

Author’s Note: Hi, all! I just wanted to share my personal analysis of two scenes that involve Eren, Mikasa, and Levi. The idea for the analysis just occurred to me randomly. And it made me think that these two scenes illustrate how much the dynamics of Mikasa’s relationships with Eren and Levi have changed over time. I don’t know if anyone has already made an analysis of this. But I just wanted to share my take on it. Haha. Fair Warning: This post is lengthy. Hahaha.

This is an analysis of two paralleling scenes involving Eren, Mikasa, and Levi. The first scene that will be discussed is the one where Levi beat Eren during the latter's military trial in Season 1. The second scene involves Levi striking Eren after the Raid on Liberio in Season 4. In the analysis of both scenes, I focused primarily on Mikasa's reactions. And at the end of the main analysis, I also posted my thoughts on what all of these could mean for Mikasa's relationship with Levi.

Also, SPOILER ALERT for those who haven't read Chapter 138 of the manga yet. While this post mainly analyzes the two scenes mentioned above, I also included some tidbits from Chapter 138 at the end to tie things up as neatly as possible. Hahaha.

So, anyway, here it goes:

-----

Season 1: The Trial

Back in Season 1, during Eren’s military trial, he was physically beaten by Levi. We all know that he did this to ensure that the Scouting Regiment/Survey Corps gets custody of him. The display was necessary to emphasize and prove that Levi, who is widely known as "Humanity's Strongest Soldier", is best suited to subdue Eren should he lose control of his abilities. Because of this, the Scouts were able to convince the Military Police and Premier Zackly that they should be given custody over Eren.

One of the most notable parts of this scene is how Mikasa was enraged by Levi's actions. Had Armin not stopped her, she would’ve probably lunged at Levi and struck him. At the time, Mikasa was gravely concerned about Eren’s well-being and was perhaps too furious at Levi to think about anything else. Because of this, she probably did not immediately realize that Levi had effectively secured Eren’s relative safety at the end of the day. 

During the trial, the MPs spoke of planning to dissect him, among others. Conversely, the Scouts proposed that he participate in an upcoming scouting expedition to determine whether he is a threat or not. They also suggested that Eren be placed under Levi’s direct supervision so that he could be subdued in the event of an incident. While the latter proposal still entailed some degree of violence, it was far less hostile and more beneficial to Eren than the MP’s proposal. 

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 14 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

It is also worth noting that her primary concern during this time was Eren’s well-being. Mikasa is not cruel or heartless towards others. But it is worth noting that she was more concerned about Eren than the fact that he could have been a grave threat to so many innocent people. During this time, humanity inside the Walls was still ignorant of the truth, so the apprehension and fear directed towards Eren’s powers were justified and understandable. Yet, despite this, Mikasa was mainly singularly focused on Eren.

This is one of many instances which illustrate how she allows her affections for Eren to impair her judgment. She cares about him so much that sometimes her emotions get the better of her.

-----

Season 4: The Aftermath of the Raid on Liberio

Now, flash forward to Season 4 during the Raid on Liberio. When Eren was pulled onto the airship, Levi expressed his disgust and disappointment in Eren’s actions and behavior. He drove his points home by kicking Eren again. When he did so, Mikasa, probably out of habit and instinct, moved to intervene before Armin stopped her again. The difference here is that this time, she did not express anger towards Levi for beating Eren again. Instead, she had a sad and torn expression on her face.

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 8 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

This is an indicator of growth and change on Mikasa’s part. While she still had the urge to protect Eren, she knew that because of what he did to the citizens of Liberio, Levi’s anger and disgust were justified. As a matter of fact, she herself was distraught when she saw the bodies of innocent civilians and children scattered on the battlefield. And what distressed her even more was the fact that Eren – her childhood friend, adoptive brother, and literal savior, was the cause of all the destruction.

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 7 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

During this time, Mikasa had already begun to notice that the Eren she once knew was no longer with them. However, probably because of personal sentiment and their shared history, she still cared for him. It is likely that Mikasa still hoped that he would change for the better during this particular time. Even so, she is now wise and mature enough to not turn a blind eye to his terrible actions.

It can also be said that Mikasa is now better able to properly analyze the situation as a whole instead of just focusing on Eren. She understood the gravity of the problem and therefore acknowledged that Levi was in the right for feeling disgusted and disappointed. And maybe it can be said that she couldn’t blame him for kicking Eren again. (Lol.)

-----

What This Means for Levi and Mikasa's Relationship: Having Common Ground

As for what all of this means for Mikasa and Levi's relationship, I think that it can be said that Mikasa now has more common ground with Levi than Eren. 

The affection she has for Eren is rooted in a shared history and the kind of person he used to be before he became their ultimate enemy. Before the truth about the world and Eldians was revealed to the inhabitants of Paradis, Eren and Mikasa were long-time friends who worked hand-in-hand to achieve their common goals. The first was to keep humanity within the Walls safe from the threat of the Titans. And the second was to uncover the truth surrounding the mystery of the Titans. However, their relationship began to deteriorate when they finally learned of the truth, and when Eren gained access to his Attack Titan's ability to see the memories of its future and past inheritors. Over time, Eren began to slowly but surely drift away from her to the point that they had completely lost their common ground.

Conversely, her connection to Levi is based on trust and comradeship. Indeed, there aren't any explicitly romantic interactions between them (not yet, anyway. Lol.). However, it has already been established that Mikasa trusts Levi as a leader and as a fellow soldier. In the same vein, Levi also has faith in Mikasa's abilities. More importantly, it has been shown that Levi is capable of great empathy and that he has the best interests of humanity as a whole in both his mind and heart. This is another thing that he has in common with Mikasa. While she was heartbroken at the fact that killing Eren was the only way to stop him, she ultimately chose the rest of humanity over him and her feelings for him. She was even the one who dealt the final blow in Chapter 138. On this, I think that her act of choosing to kill Eren and actually seeing that choice through was her way of finally letting him go and choosing to move on from him. It's true that she said that she won't forget him, but then again, it's possible to move on from someone without forgetting them.

In relation to this, I think that it's symbolic (and perhaps even foreshadowing of events to come in Chapter 139) that Levi was the one to help her kill Eren. It's symbolic in the sense that by helping her kill Eren, Levi was the one to help Mikasa move on from him. It's also worth noting that when Mikasa declared her intention to kill Eren, Levi seemed to look awestruck and proud. He followed her lead - meaning that he trusted her resolve.

Images taken from Chapter 138 of the Shingeki no Kyojin manga.

This is particularly significant because, in the past, Levi (along with a few others) nearly always had to placate Mikasa whenever a dangerous situation involved Eren. Levi was completely aware of how reckless she could be whenever Eren's safety was in jeopardy. Even in the events leading up to the final battle, Mikasa still protested whenever anyone suggested that they kill Eren. However, when it came down to it, Mikasa decided that she would be the one to kill Eren. And when she asked for everyone’s help, he did not question her. Instead, he chose to trust her and believe her.

Perhaps this will lead to a deeper connection between them in the aftermath of the battle. Maybe this can be a foundation for the relationship that they will have in the future.

Anyway, that's all for now. I hope that this post makes sense. Haha. I'm sorry if it's a bit convoluted and messy. Lol. Let me know what you guys think!

[ironmandeficiency]

I saw y'all discussing potential zodiac signs for Pascal's characters, what's your take on the major ones? I personally believe Marcus Pike is a cancer, Catfish's a pisces, Din's a virgo, Whiskey's an aries, Oberyn's either a leo or a libra, Ezra's a gemini or a sag, but I lean towards gemini. Javier's the poster child for Scorpio. Don't know about Maxwell Lord.

pedro character star signs

i’m so sorry it took so long, i was tweaking this so much bc i wanted to make sure i got it right! these are just what i think based on my astrology opinions, i hope you like it! 💕 i added their moon signs for flair bc i can. gonna tag a few friends i think may be interested, hope it’s not an inconvenience

max phillips: aries sun & moon. his ambition and charisma paired with the carefree attitude and optimism are an optimum fire sign duality and despite the fact i shouldn't, i love it so much. he has an inner child that he spoils with the riches of his conquests (good and bad) & gets emotional contentment when he succeeds in achieving his goals. knows what he wants & is quick to make those wants known. you never have to worry about where you stand with him because he will not hesitate to tell you.

javier peña: taurus sun with scorpio moon (the real guy is a taurus & i can see it but w heavy scorpio influence). he has his own structure and routine and will fight to the death to maintain it. very work oriented & does his best to rationalize his emotion-driven scorpio moon with his taurean logic, it's a tossup as to whether it works half the time. has a lot of emotional needs that aren't always met day to day & thats why he smokes and drinks and fucks. but don’t let anything make you doubt his love for you because the only thing stronger than his stubborn streak is his heart and its capacity to love you so damn much.

maxwell lord: libra sun with a sagittarius moon. the charisma? attractive and engaging af. oddly adept at chameleoning himself into whatever social group he's trying to vibe with. will draw eyes no matter what because so many people know him & if they don't already, they sure as hell want to. it takes him a while to learn to balance healthy relationships and his work life but when he does, you can visibly see how much healthier he is because of it. normally tends to his emotions in private but with help, he can start sharing a bit more. more optimistic than he sometimes should be but it could be worse

frankie morales: pisces sun with a cancer moon. his caring and sometimes cautious nature (with a twinge of homicidal tendencies) make him one that you don't just casually fuck with sexually or otherwise. catches feelings very easy & makes a lot of emotionally-driven decisions. these two water signs have a propensity towards codependence & defensiveness when hurt. is at his best when he feels loved and is supported by those he loves. emotions are always fluctuating and there’s some trouble with self-discipline (which is not the same as self-deprecation). because of this, he needs someone who can ground him

jack "whiskey" daniels: his swagger!! his charm!! his generosity!! the protectiveness over people he cares about!! this has the makings of a leo sun. this charismatic sun sign paired with his capricorn moon create a living example of the most balanced "work hard, play hard" you've ever seen. has a tendency to set high standards for himself and others & is a smidge more accepting when people fuck up, wanting to help them be better in the future. his emotions are often repressed in the name of responsibility but when he feels safe, he isn’t shy about them in the slightest. very confident in his skills & one of those that he’s the proudest of is his ability to cheer you up when you’re sad

din djarin: he is the most virgo virgo to ever virgo, a double whammy of it in both his sun & moon placements. very logical, disciplined, and tradition-oriented. knows how to bargain and budget, approaches problems with as little emotional attachment as he can (doesn't always work though), and is selfless af. needs something to keep him from being a worry wart bc otherwise he will spend every waking moment fretting over anything he can find. remarkably well-rounded & somehow the most emotionally stable

ezra: everything about this man radiates aquarius sun + gemini moon and you will never convinve me otherwise. he's just enough of an intellectual elitist (the big words and flowy shakespearian vocabulary) for it to border on unique and fun & annoying as fuck. every aquarian i've met has a quirk that sets them apart from everyone else & ezra's quirk (besides murder) is his vocabulary. it takes him a long time to learn to not talk over people on accident (sometimes he does on purpose just to be a bastard), but you can tell when he’s really trying to be conscious of it.

marcus moreno: now this man is what you call a pisces. a softie with a heart of gold that is constantly being underestimated, he has more power than most think. his silly and carefree nature detracts from the badassery he's capable of so it sometimes catches you off guard when he goes into Badass In Charge™️ mode but it’s there. his moon is also in pisces, which adds to his gentility and desire to be understood by his partner. this man just needs some love dammit, give it to him already!! his empathy makes him the Cool Dad™️ bc missy and literally any other kid get the vibe of “yeah this adult will actually listen to me and value my opinions”

dave: capricorn sun, aries moon. he thrives with people who can handle their own shit competency kink anyone? and doesn’t have patience with those who should know better. his standards are higher than a stoned giraffe, and is at his best in controlled environments. has a strong sense of self & a short list of people he would risk it all for. not as outwardly expressive but he does have a couple cues that you learn over time. also knows what he wants and is very meticulous in how he goes about getting it; there are very few places where he takes no for an answer. is a very good provider but don’t expect him to be mushy when you thank him for things he does for you.

oberyn martell: gemini sun & leo moon. he’s got more charisma than can fit in the ocean and sometimes it gets him into trouble. this man thrives on validation from loved ones. there is never a worry about not knowing what he’s feeling because oh boy is this man expressive. he’s a protector and a provider (and a gossip but don’t let him hear you say that). can and will cause a scene if there’s ample opportunity, he enjoys watching shit go down. will only interfere if it directly impacts him or someone he really cares about but otherwise will just pop the popcorn and pull up a seat. somehow has all the details of everything that ever happens but you learn to not question it.

pero tovar: scorpio sun (but specifically october scorpio) & aquarius moon. he’s highly rational when it comes to emotions but does have a temper. he’s observant af of his environment & the emotions of everyone around him, and chooses his actions carefully based on those. doesn’t confront his deeper emotions as often as he should bc it’s easier to default to Angy™️ and let the rest of the world come to their own assumptions. has no tolerance for lies and other bs, wants the truth and though it makes him seem power-hungry and manipulative, that’s not his intention. it’s just his way of looking for someone he can trust with the most intimate parts of him

marcus pike: this man? taurus sun, cancer moon. has a fear of abandonment that takes a while to quell but once it’s gone, he’s all in. he’s very empathetic and observant af, will know exactly what you need before you voice said need. will feel guilty for his baggage sometimes and the guilt will make him recluse for a short period until he’s reminded just how appreciated he is. does not play around when it comes to affection & is very eager to give and receive it whenever possible

my friends that i think might be interested: @scribbledghost @autumnleaves1991-blog @dyke--grayson @max--phillips @dindjarindiaries @pikemoreno @ohnopoe @pedropasscals @forever-rogue @engineeredfiction @bitchin-beskar

[nct-oli]

IPYTM EP 4

I just feel like saying all of my IPYTM ep 4 thoughts now that I watched the episode, before I read any other posts on here. Raw thoughts minutes after closing the episode.

I feel like I need to say this first. I do not agree with Oh reading Teh’s logbook and invading his privacy, but I do appreciate that he told him later that he did. I also do not like the hitting Teh with the bouquet. Okay, just wanted to get that out of the way.

TEH (AND JAI)

I’m still mad at Teh. I do not forgive him. But I do want to say that Jai is a piece of shit for manipulating Teh the way he did. This episode made it so clear to me how Jai used what Teh wrote in that logbook to his gain, recognizing how vulnerable Teh was and seeing how weak his relationship with Oh-Aew had gotten and using that to his benefit.

Now honestly, I can’t tell if that truly was his plan from the start or if he saw the way Teh had fallen for him and what happened with Oh and decided to say that it was never real in an attempt to stop it as soon as possible.

Regardless, if he was a good friend as well as a good director, Jai would never have used Teh’s broken relationship the way he did. He could have tried to help Teh rekindle things with Oh, work through some of his fears and anxieties that were keeping him from feeling close to his boyfriend. That very likely could have solved both problems–Teh’s relationship issues and his acting barrier–but instead, Jai manipulated Teh’s feelings.

However, I’m not letting Teh off that easily either. There was a moment when I actually did feel a little bad for him, when I started to recognize how Jai was using him and playing with his feelings. And when Teh and Oh started doing a little better, I allowed myself to think that maybe they could figure it out with more communication.

But no, Teh wandered off at the after party to see Jai, and any tiny flicker of forgiveness I felt went out the door. The way he showed no genuine guilt or shame with Oh too made me honestly sick. Like Oh said, did he think he was stupid? Did Teh think he was being subtle? It gave me secondhand embarrassment to see him believe he was being anything except disgustingly obvious about what was going on.

And then for him to call Jai the Fang to his Akin, with his too-forgiving boyfriend sitting in the other room?? Again, do you have no shame, Teh???

Also, the way Jai and Teh both gaslit Oh-Aew, trying to make him think he was overreacting and overthinking when both of them knew Teh’s feelings were not just the result of his great acting. That the kiss was never just an exercise (at least from Teh’s side, which is the side that mattered most). Watching them both lie to Oh’s face like that lit a rage fire within me.

Now, the scene of Oh-Aew and Teh singing on stage and the music going quiet as Teh’s attention drifted from Oh to Jai was heartbreaking in a really good way. I’m so proud of Oh-Aew for finally deciding that moment was enough, that Teh deserved no more chances, and that he needed to walk away. I’m so proud of him for choosing himself.

I appreciate Teh’s roommate. I don’t have the sympathy in me at this very moment so soon after the episode to wish Teh such kindness, but I’m sure tomorrow morning I’ll be a little more open to him having the emotional support I know deep down he needs. So I’m glad he has his roommate extending a hand.

And it was incredibly sad to watch Teh realize how he’d isolated himself to the extreme all for this one dream, maybe forgetting along the way to dream about his relationship with Oh-Aew, his long term friendships, etc. All of the other dreams you can and should have as well. I think he started to realize everything he’d given up for acting and how less glamorous and fun it really was now that he was here.

And that hit him even more when he got casted and potentially signed, only to face the reality that it also meant erasing the digital footprint of his relationship with Oh, one of the few things he still had left. This life he had envisioned kept getting less and less glamorous by the second.

I’m not saying I want him to give up on his dream of acting, but I do hope that everything that has happened is his much needed wake up call. That he finds more empathy for the people he judged for drifting from acting, for the people he pushed away for not trying hard enough. I hope he sees how selfish and ignorant his actions and his words have been over the past few years and that he takes this as a starting point for a more understanding and accepting outlook on not just his own life but the lives of those around him.

And I do hope he heals one day. Or, well, I will hope for that tomorrow. Tonight I’m still mad at him.

OH-AEW

Now on to Oh. As I said before, I don’t condone the invasion of Teh’s privacy or hitting him with the bouquet. But otherwise, I really am proud of Oh-Aew. Do I think he handled everything perfectly? No. In an ideal world, I would have liked him to confront Teh sooner so he could have given him the opportunity to be honest early on.

But given everything, I think Oh’s level of compassion and his willingness to try to understand are more than most people are willing to give in his shoes. I genuinely do respect how level-headed he went about it. I wish he had been better rewarded for his grace, and instead he got a boyfriend who lied and continued to go behind his back even after Oh had given him an undeserved second chance.

But what I am most proud of is how Oh-Aew handled breaking up with Teh. Telling Teh that he was hurt and asking him to have pity on him. Oh chose himself again, more permanently. In that moment, he understood that Teh’s apology did not warrant forgiveness and that he was allowed to stay hurt, to stay angry, to stay unwilling to take Teh back.

Oh was vulnerable and still stayed firm in his decision to respect himself anyway, to trust his feelings and prioritize his healing. Teh was there crying before him, and he still understood that he had no responsibility to fix Teh’s pain. That the pain Teh was feeling was pain he had inflicted on himself.

You can see in the way he turned back to look at Teh leave and then the way he sobbed afterwards that it took all of his strength to not give in moments earlier. How easy it would have been for him to take comfort in the familiarity of Teh’s embrace once again, to give him that second chance and hope for the best. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he did; it’s hard to give up someone who once made you feel safe. Who once felt like home.

But I am so proud of him for choosing himself anyway. For knowing that, however hard it was in that moment to let go, it would have been even harder to live every day sacrificing his mental and emotional security for a relationship he knew would never feel the same. For a man he could never fully trust again.

Oh-Aew has grown so much.

OH’S FRIENDS

Also, Oh has the cutest, sweetest friends in the world. This was my favorite scene in the entire episode. I’m so glad he found his group and that they love him so much.

The contrast between Teh and Oh-Aew throughout this season and especially in this episode has been really apparent as they’ve drifted apart. And I think this scene really highlighted that. Teh verbally acknowledged how he had no one to turn to anymore, how he’d ruined his relationships with everyone over time, meanwhile Oh was surrounded by people ready to love him and take care of him until he was better.

Oh’s honesty with himself and the people around him resulted in a community of friends supporting him as his authentic self, while Teh’s lies to himself and the people around him resulted in solitude.

It’s tragic for him, really.

EP 5?

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen with episode 5. At this point, I want Oh-Aew to find happiness away from Teh and for Teh to fix his insecurities on his own. I don’t want them together.

Maybe one day they’ll find each other again. I don’t know. But after this season’s storyline has unfolded, I think Oh deserves better. And I don’t think they make sense anymore.

AND BECAUSE IT NEEDS TO BE SAID

Oh-Aew dying his hair from red to black again? Yeah. He is Teh’s red no more.

[youwerenevermeanttofeelalone]

Somebody Sweet to Talk To ❁︎ 𝐒𝐈𝐗

Pairing: Harry Osborn x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 4k

Gif credit

Summary & Warnings || Series Masterlist

𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧

𝐈'𝐦 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬

𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐚𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝

𝐋𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬

❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎ ・・・・・ ❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎

Harry groaned while trying to get up from the bed. He didn’t have any broken ribs, but everything hurt to the point where painkillers didn’t even grant him sleep. It wasn’t the worst beating he had received, it wouldn’t even enter the top 10, but he was only human so it was normal for it to hurt like a bitch.

’The silver lining is he won’t react like this on Saturday,’ Harry thought bitterly as he looked at himself in the mirror to start the oh so familiar damage recount. The busted lip was the only thing he wouldn’t be able to hide — Peter would believe him if he said he had fallen on the front steps of his house, but you wouldn’t. You were more observant, and a medic in training.

On Saturday he changed his outfit more times he would ever be comfortable by admitting. Harry needed to impress people that night, two people that preferred his best friend over him. Dressing like Peter usually did wasn’t an option, his male best friend sucked at color coordination and he wore hoodies most of the time.

His father would wear dark grey, that was why Harry didn’t even consider a suit in that color. He settled on all blue. He looked fine, or at least he thought he did. Checking the time, he smoothed imaginary wrinkles on the jacket and left the house.

You were freaking out, pacing from left to right in front of your bed. Pepper followed the movements with her eyes, trying not to laugh. You were too mortified for something as simple as dinner, all thanks to Peter. Your best friend entered your bedroom that morning to warn you of how difficult Norman Osborn was to please and extended the reminder of not being a good idea to date Harry.

Of course dating Harry wasn’t a good idea. Dating wasn’t a good idea, actually — Harry was more than fine. And boy was he f i n e. Shaking your head and reminding yourself that thirsting over your fake boyfriend wasn’t a good idea either you halted your pacing to look at Pepper.

Pepper tilted her head, waiting for the question filling your semblance. The inquiry never came, it couldn’t; how could it when it embarrassed you tremendously?

You needed to impress Norman. For Harry’s sake? Debatable. You were prideful, and impressing a man as difficult as he would stroke your ego. Desperate for some kind of positive reaction to your existence, you would do anything to achieve it. Asking Pepper how to do it would mean getting teased, Tony would tell you to be yourself even if that was the entire problem, and Bucky would tease you while repeating Tony’s comment. Could Gwen have helped? You supposed the blonde would be open to at least try with how nice she was, but you didn’t really know her.

Your dad was still visiting, and you were tempted to ask him until you remembered he didn’t care for that. Fuck, your only option was Harry himself. Not for the first time that week, you found yourself in need of his comfort and reassurance — the most dangerous thing you had ever felt. You should’ve stopped it at that moment, tell him you couldn’t do it anymore.

Three Saturdays now you had been through that and the three times your conclusion had been the same. A stupid pattern that needed to be broken yet you didn’t dare to even touch.

“Do I look presentable?” you found yourself asking to not make Pepper think the question would be deeper.

Pepper smiled brightly. “You look great.”

The doorbell resonated throughout the compound. Harry was five minutes earlier from the time he said he would pick you up, as you expected. ’You can get through this,’ you told yourself inwardly as Pepper for some reason escorted you into the elevator, ’it’s just dinner with a strict rich man and his hot son who you’re supposedly dating.’

Oh god, you wouldn’t make it past the appetizers. Harry looked finer than ever, with his busted lip and all, he definitely knew blue was his color and took advantage of it. His eyes taking in your appearance made you nervous, so nervous you almost asked if you should change your outfit or hairdo.

“You look beautiful.” The way he said it, through a breath and looking into your eyes... he was getting good at acting.

Okay, the appetizers had been a very long term goal. You were gone, completely gone. You would’ve yelled at him at that moment to stop tormenting you so much if you hadn’t swallowed an anxiolytic earlier.

“You look handsome,” you tried to smile without giggling. It was weird, the sound that left your throat, but he didn’t tease you. No one around you did, they only exchanged looks.

Harry didn’t continue staring like guys did in the movies, he asked if you were ready to go and when you said yes, he rushed to open the door for you.

Buckling up, you considered faking feeling unwell. As he slipped into the car and his cologne mixed with his aftershave swirled around the air, you threw the idea out of the window and allowed yourself to look at him some more before tearing your eyes away from the side of his face.

He didn’t drag the drive despite his nervousness. The two of you would be punctually there, looking dapper, and inwardly begging for things to go smoothly enough.

His gulp as he opened the front door didn’t go unnoticed by you. Squeezing his hand, you encouraged him to get inside. Both of you did so in politely slow strides, greeted by a maid who took your coat and guided you to the living room.

Norman Osborn stood up, watching you like a hawk. Harry’s eyes were on the right hand that had hit him multiple times as it enveloped the one that had only given him security and shook it; the gesture was curt and firm but not strong enough to bruise. His father’s expression was neutral, eyes critically taking both your appearances in — he seemed pleased with your attires, a tight-lipped smile confirmed it.

Conversation flowed easily due to the nature of meeting new people as dinner took place.

“I must ask, my dear,” Norman said, looking at you. “Why choose someone like my son when you’re surrounded by people like you?”

Feeling the young man tense beside you, you patted the back of his hand under the table. “Well, sir: your son is smart, charming, and interesting. Geniuses aren’t always too approachable and when they are there’s not much to be said or done around or with them, if I may be honest. Harry might not be a genius, but he’s brilliant and knowledgeable on many things which I find necessary in an acquaintance.”

Both men were clearly not expecting such an answer. Norman stared at you to look for signs of a lie and when he found none, he hummed. Harry was trying to calm down, his breathing was getting too shaky to be healthy — the young man didn’t think you had been honest, but oh how he desperately wanted you to have been. The fact that you were defending him from his father was worth more than you would ever know.

Like Harry had expected, Norman treated you with respect and empathy. His father was impressed by you. He couldn’t blame him, it seemed like finally, they could agree on something and the young man enjoyed knowing the reason of their agreement was a pair of expressive eyes and such a kind heart.

A relieved sigh slid past his lips as soon as he got into the car. He hadn’t intended for you to realize, why would he? Grateful for your lack of inquiries, he waited for you to buckle up before pulling onto the street and away from his house.

Now that you had seemingly impressed Norman freaking Osborn you knew getting out of the fake relationship thing would be harder. You understood now, after having heard the changes in the older man’s tone when directed toward his son, why Harry had been so tense since you parked in front of his gigantic house. You also understood why Peter had warned you, but you couldn’t help but wonder if your fake boyfriend had always been treated so coldly.

“Wait,” he breathed as you made a motion to open the door to get into The Compound. His hand found yours, fingers fitting between yours like they had been made to do just that.

You looked up. “Do you need anything?”

Leaning in, he nodded. You nodded back in agreement, a little too effusively for the occasion, taking the advantage your high heels were giving you to be the one pressing your lips to his. The hand he had flush to his side crawled up your arm to slide and hold your head as it was placed on your nape while your free one rested on his chest lightly.

The sweet kiss would’ve been that even if his tongue didn’t taste of the dessert you had just eaten. There was no rush, no public around you to convince, not even an interruption this time. The warmth of his hand penetrated your entire being, there wasn’t a single part of yours that wasn’t content under his touch and kiss — even your brain that most of the time entered in an alert state was calm, and you wondered, as both yours and his eyes fluttered open and mouths separated in slow motion, if that was how being happy felt like.

The living room was full— as full as it could be when half the team was out on a mission at least— snacks filled the entire table between the two main couches. Peter had expected to see a face marked by tears, not a shy wave. Tony asked how had it gone and you said fine in such a natural tone that Peter saw his entire life pass in front of his eyes.

Throughout the night Harry and you exchanged text messages until you told him to get some sleep. It was new to you, as much as you always stayed up until 3 or 4 am, you had never done it while texting someone. Talking with him was easy, like spotting an infection; and stoping was as hard as diagnosing hepatitis without blood tests.

The intellectual stimulation you got from him was different than the one any of your teammates gave you, different than how you felt while solving puzzles or working in the laboratory. Not more real, just more meaningful because you didn’t expect that from him — you thought it would be unbearable to fake being Harry Osborn’s girlfriend, that he would be boring and snobbish, hollow and arrogant; boy, had you been wrong.

❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎ ・・・・・ ❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎

He watched you take the path toward the laboratory one afternoon and sighed before walking toward his friends. Ignoring their glances, he took his tablet out and continued digitally designing his new apartment. After his father met his —unknowingly to Norman fake— girlfriend, he urged Harry to get an apartment so he could have more privacy with you. A surprisingly nice thought that would save him from many stressful situations, and an excuse to spend more time with you while decorating it. He had already told you, he did so on Monday as soon as he saw you — when he asked you to help him you were doubtful at first which made his heart drop.

“Shouldn’t your best friend help you with that?” you had asked, not lifting your eyes from your notes.

He had scoffed, “have you seen Peter’s room? No, thank you.” His comment had made you chuckle and he saw you nod in agreement.

It had been his idea to design it digitally first and only fix details once physically putting everything in place. He would’ve liked you to be beside him while doing it, but you had a job to put attention to so the agreement was that you would give your input and help in your free time.

Interior designing was more difficult than one would think. The solution of calling an expert to keep himself from second-guessing every single one of his choices was too tempting but he wouldn’t give in, not when you would stand behind him, forearms on the edge of the back of the couch as you stared at the screen from on top of his shoulder. Your breath would tickle his neck lightly, sending chills down his spine.

“That couch has too many cushions,” you told him lowly to not disturb anyone around you.

He craned his neck to look at you, “it looks comfortable.”

“Ten cushions for a couch are excessive, Harry.”

“You have eight pillows on your bed.”

“Bed, not sofa.”

“You’re telling me I should have eight pillows on my bed for when you stay over instead of on the couch? Because if you are, I can do both.”

“When did I—,“ you stuttered, fighting the heat daring to crawl up your neck at his words. “Just don’t even dare complaining when you can’t sit down comfortably on that thing.”

Harry got impatient, however, and halfway through the designing project decided to hire a designer. You found it hilarious and said you knew he would do that as you walked toward The Compound, lips pursed to keep your laugh at bay.

So what if he had only endured three days designing an apartment before giving up? It was hard! And he didn’t want to feel uncomfortable at his own place! When he defended himself by saying that, you put a hand on his shoulder and told him in a soft sigh that you found the time he lost funny and not his desire of feeling at home.

Harry didn’t know what home was or how it felt, but he had his suspicions that it was more than a place.

❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎ ・・・・・ ❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎

It was a Sunday evening, 3:00-ish pm, your throat was sore from the concert you and Harry had attended the night before. The concert was the reason for the congressional meeting taking place in your room, you needed help and you needed it urgently.

When Harry had picked you up for the concert you had been fine, comfortable like you felt around him now even if mere four weeks had passed from the day you started speaking and faking the relationship, but as the event progressed and you realized how much he avoided staring at you, you came to the conclusion that your feelings were more one-sided than you had assumed. So you needed to know what a crush really was in order to find how to get rid of it.

Peter would be useless at it, and your mentors couldn’t know you were still in distress over liking Harry. Gwen was an expert on relationships, she was good with people and everyone always asked her for advice — she was nice enough to listen.

Your online investigation had been encouraging, a crush lasted four months according to it, you were a week away from finishing the first one which meant the torture wouldn’t last more than the wait for your most anticipated movie of the year.

Gwen giggled at your question, prompting you to frown. “A crush is when you like someone you don’t know,” she eventually explained as her giggles subsided. “You find them attractive, and become a little obsessive over them.”

“Scientifically speaking,” you stated your case, “a crush lasts around four months. It sounds quite excruciating if you ask me, but what I really want to know is how do people get rid of them.”

“You have a crush on someone?”

“No, no,” you shook your head. “It’s for scientific purposes.”

“According to your scientific studies,” Gwen conceded, knowing where the conversation was going, “what is a crush? Because I think my definition is wrong then.”

“Well,” you stood up from the couch, “you find someone attractive, and charming even though they are not naturally, and want to be around them, and feel a deep need of defending them, and wish you could give them a little bit of what they unknowingly and selflessly give you in return... you miss them when they’re not around, and find yourself entertaining the ridiculously childish idea that you are finally safe while experiencing utter fear of being rejected by them because it would mean losing them,” your voice turned softer as the list progressed, eyes twinkling. You cleared your throat to ease the lump forming there and winced at the burning sensation its irritated state brought. “Or at least that’s what I read.”

Gwen swallowed loudly to give her verdict. “You’re in love with Harry.”

“Who’s talking about Harry?” You blurted a screech with eyes open wide.

Gwen stood up from your bed, walking toward you and taking both your hands. “There’s nothing wrong with it, it might be too soon for some people, but it’s okay.”

You shook your head frantically. “I’m not—“ you couldn’t say it, saying it would mean having considered it being true. It couldn’t be true, you couldn’t have skipped so many steps because of a tall endearing asshole. “I’m not talking about anyone I know.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

“He’s handsome, we all know that. But I’m talking about something different, and even if I wasn’t—“ fuck, you didn’t know how to excuse yourself now.

Gwen gripped your hands tightly. “Breathe,” she cooed gently. “You’re shaking from head to toe.”

“I can’t be in love, Gwen!” You exploded, breath getting harsher every second. “I’m supposed to be a lone wolf, and have thousands of cats, and spend the next few years practicing science before killing myself at exactly 27!”

Slender arms wrapped around your neck, soothing sounds filling your ears as you whimpered. “It’s gonna be okay, I promise there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“But there’s a lot wrong with me,” you lamented on her shoulder.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, don’t say that.”

There was. Your weight, and height, and mental health issues, and past, and how selective you were even though you didn’t deserve what your high standards called for. You went on and on about it, another symptom of your psychiatric issues for sure, crying on the shoulder of the woman you had envied for years.

Gwen felt bad for even telling Harry you were not good for each other, and she felt even worse for having been somewhat right although not in the way she had assumed. It didn’t matter to her anymore if you or Harry had issues or how many, and although she was scared either of you would end up being hurt, she wanted to help — she liked seeing you two together.

“If you don’t want to be in love, why did you start dating him?”

“I didn’t expect to fall for someone I didn’t know well. I didn’t even expect to ever fall in love.” You sniffed, sitting down on the bed once Gwen let you go.

“Does he know?” You shook your head to answer her inquiry. “Why?”

Looking down at your shoes, you confessed, “I’ve always thought he was into you.”

“He wouldn’t be dating you if he was! You’re his first serious relationship,” Gwen tried to remind you, “he opens doors for you, cooks with and for you, walks under the rain to relax you, follows your advice, hugs you when you cry, he knows what makes you feel worse or better, drives you to far away cinemas... he looks at you in a way no one will ever look at me.”

“Peter looks at you in a way no one will ever look at me,” you mumbled. The comment wasn’t halfhearted, but you didn’t care about that anymore.

Gwen hummed. “It’s not the same, you’re Harry’s light. He’s distant to all of us still, you know? And maybe he will always be, with you he’s different — he looks happy with you. And...” she stopped herself for a moment to look for the correct words to not offend you, “and I don’t know if you feel happy, I hope you do, but you look relaxed and comfortable with him. I had never heard you cackle until you started dating him.”

“It’s not real.” You couldn’t keep quiet anymore, it was eating you alive.

“You don’t believe me?”

“My relationship with Harry is not real,” you clarified, avoiding Gwen’s face in shame. “I used to have a crush on Peter, a real one that came and went until Harry and his monotone voice spoke about medicine like talking about the fucking weather and suddenly everything I could process were spicy cologne, full lips, and cherries.”

“You wanted Peter to know how it felt,” she asserted. You hummed, even more ashamed now. “Is your ex-crush on him why you stay at school until he’s finished?”

“Will you tell him?” You asked, wearily.

“No.”

“Tony forced me to keep an eye on him. I wasn’t planning on getting a master’s degree in molecular and cellular biology but it was the easiest way to find a balance between babysitting as I inwardly call it, studying, and working. Subsequently, the crush came back by how much time I spent staring at you two. I think I just felt lonely.” You scoffed at the realization. “Talk about being pathetic.”

Gwen didn’t find it was pathetic. She didn’t think Tony had been considerate enough by putting you undercover like that either. “All of that doesn’t change anything Harry and you do or feel.”

“Only on Harry’s behalf.” You hated how your voice broke, a crack that had nothing to do with your tired throat and everything with the approaching heartbreak.

“Why don’t you ask him?”

You stayed silent for a moment, trying to find a way of explaining yourself. Gwen was looking at you so patiently, as if you were worth her time when you had insulted her in your head so many times for something that wasn’t her fault.

“When I...” you started speaking, swallowing harshly, “when everything happened with Quentin... I did it. I asked him how he felt about me, and now I know his answer wasn’t real. Anyone can lie at any moment and—“ you moved your hand in a motion that didn’t really mean anything. “And I don’t think Harry would lie, but I don’t want to hear his rejection.”

Saying it took a huge weight off your shoulders and drilled a hole in your chest at the same time.

Gwen encouraged you to continue speaking about it if you wanted, and you did. You told her all those things no one knew about your relationship with Quentin, you thought she’d understand. Gwen did understand, and listened, and consoled you, she was just that kind. You couldn’t believe you had once thought she was anything but.

“I’ve always wanted to be like you,” you confessed. As you said it, it dawned on you that you had mixed your jealousy toward her with the admiration you felt. “I don’t know how you do it, but you’re always so nice and look so pretty and everyone seems to love you... and you want to do amazing things for other people which is so awesome!”

Gwen granted you a smile, one of those pretty ones only she could carry. “It takes time to be nice, and it’s difficult sometimes,” she said softly, “beauty is subjective, and you already do amazing things for people, I like that about you. Peter does amazing things for people, Harry wants to save the planet — everyone around us does it in different ways. All of those things you don’t like about yourself are not flaws,” she assured you, taking your hand and squeezing it, “they make you special, whoever thinks of those things as a burden isn’t worth your time or efforts.”

You squeezed her hand back. “But everyone will think they’re a burden, and I’m scared of being alone but I hate saying it,” you rasped a lament.

She rested her head on your arm like you often did against Bucky’s to be comfortable. “You have me, I promise.”

You believed her. Maybe because you wanted to cling to the idea that you could have a friend, but mostly because she hadn’t given you a reason not to do it.

[resinatingbeauty]

Real Talk Time #RTT - On Political Correctedness, Oppression, Freedom, and Segregation

I know I'm probably going to catch a lot of flak for this post because people won't actually read it. They'll pick out some tags, words, and phrases they dislike or are 'triggered' by and start typing a 15 page rant in the comments that, HEADS UP, I'm going to actively ignore so please don't waste your time and energy (ranting, that is).

Some of you may already know a bit of my back story growing up. I moved around a lot as a kid because of my father's job as a Field Technician for fishing tournaments working on outboards for the fishermen. While I rarely saw my grandparents and extended family (if at all, some of them I didn't physically meet until we moved back down to FL and re-settled in 2000), they were really the ones influencing my mother's decisions on how to handle issues and changes in me when I was growing up.

When those changes went from reading all the Bibles that were thrown at me since I was old enough to read to wanting to read the entire New Age section at Barnes & Noble, everyone got real weird. My parents were never religious and openly allowed me to explore my spirituality. The rest of my family was hyped up by the Satanic Panic of the 1990's. As my mother and I were together most of the time my father was away, we had it out often because of that oppression that was a result of my relatives breathing down her neck. I know now that my mother always meant well.

Unfortunately, everyone else had to die before I could actually be myself.

This caused profound depression as I grew into my teens, developed addictions, attempted to make friends that I couldn't have over because they didn't fit the mold which lead to more alienation and depression. I never understood why until I hit my twenties and already practically destroyed myself in the process. My parents and I have a good, even great, relationship now. The misunderstanding and confusion took several years, even decades, to overcome. I destroyed other relationships and myself in that process, doing things I am not proud of but do not regret, as these experiences made me the person I am today. Far more strong, confident, and fearless than I was before.

At the same time, I absolutely refuse to be oppressed. I will fight to the death for your freedom to express yourself even if I don't agree with anything you say or stand for. You are allowed to be you and I accept our differences. I'm not going to silence you because I don't like your presentation or fundamentals, nor am I going to attempt to change the way you speak or behave. It's really not my problem.

This response is directed toward anyone who is offended by someone's word choice when they had meant no offense.

Let me be simple. My friend was dating an asexual biological female who would change gender pronouns daily. On a whim. Whichever they felt like at any time. I can't keep up with that. I'm not naturally inclined to call you an 'it' or a 'they' either. I'll do my best to appease you and keep the peace, but YOU cannot expect others to change the way they speak, think, and behave because, well, because you did. That was your choice. If you would like people to respect this choice, then you should be tolerant of their choices in turn. This comes down to intent. I grew up speaking this way. Perhaps another generation of children will speak differently, but until that happens, my conscious effort to accomodate you should be evidence enough that I care enough to not say the wrong thing or hurt your feelings.

If I accidentally called them a 'he' on a 'she' day, they would get mad. It was my mistake. I really wasn't too invested in a relationship with this person either, I just tolerated them because my friend was in a relationship with them. I would apologize, but it was admittedly an ongoing problem that left me feeling actual relief when they broke up. That's a shame. Rather than having empathy for my best friend who was just dumped, I was relieved I didn't have to worry about which gender pronoun this person wanted me to use at any given time.

Don't misinterpret my words about choices, either. They may not have chosen their sexuality or preference (I don't think anyone does) but they DID choose their gender pronoun confliction. I understand that you may find 'she/her' offensive if your true self is really a 'him', but unfortunately, we don't have any other words to go with in English other than 'they' and I feel like I'm referring to someone with DID (dissociative identity disorder) when I say this as in you have multiple people living inside you, which to my knowledge, they did not.

Words are words. They mean nothing without a clear intent. The same logic can be applied to the now controversial term 'baby witch' in the New Age/Neo Pagan community. Ironically, I remember people who similarly hated the word 'witch' all together. Naturally, I wouldn't use that word to refer to them at all. But when you look at identity and labels, subgroups, denominations, etc. These terms serve to identify you as part of a collective. If you're new to the concept and practice of Witchcraft, then you may find the term 'baby witch' helpful, as these articles, kits, books, blogs, etc. Are catering to those who are new to The Craft and written / designed in a way that is typically easier to execute or understand.

While, some elitist butthole could use the word to insult you, I have yet to see this. The internet has invented this culture of politically correct oppression that asks for freedom of speech but only as deemed appropriate by the proponents and THAT is censorship. *hiss* BAD.

We will never be able to move beyond segregation and overt differences until we move beyond using terms like these to identify ourselves as part of a collective. While some may be derogatory and offensive, and some may hurt and were meant to hurt and cause anger, I believe it is your right to speak freely and your words aren't as important as the motives and intentions behind them. Who isn't guilty of a poor choice of words? Nobody. Will there always be someone there to point out that poor choice? Yup. But should we all tread egg shells around each other, worrying about what random term will offend whom today? No.

Let the word fascists and PC renegades spit on me and tell me I'm wrong. You are allowed to and I have tough skin. I will defend your ability to tell me I'm wrong until the day I die, but I will never defend oppression, no matter how well meaning you believe you are. The fantasy world of rainbows and unicorns you have in your mind may as well be a world where no one speaks at all out of fear.

I know what it felt like to be told for over ten years how to dress, act, talk, and behave. I could point out other historical examples of cultural oppression like slavery, but that's an entirely different discussion that will probably go in the same direction. Oppressing one's manner of expression is just wrong. In an effort to be right, we have committed so many wrongs. So let's just all agree to disagree and accept those differences. Accept that yea, we are going to say and do dumb things. And with that acceptance, when we inevitably say and do dumb things, I beg you to ask yourself, "What was the intent? What was the actual motive here, if there is one at all?"

I think one day, we may be better than we are now. This just isn't the way about it.

EDIT- I also think that a lot of this is created by pundits who are trying to covertly censor everyone without active censorship. Me? Paranoid? Yes. I am.

[let-me-be-your-comet]

There's been a lot of questionable behavior in the fanbase lately - I understand emotions are running high. But certain people, in my opinion, are losing sight of the cause and unintentionally damaging the cause.

The thing is, Tana probably knew Brandon was working on his own statement, which was LotF. And ALL she wanted to ask was...'hey, I'm not famous, but surely there's something I can do to help, what can I do?' And people completely ignored her own voice, her own power, as her own person, and immediately (and for a lot of them, exclusively) told her to talk to Brandon and make him say something instead. That's fucked up with a capital F. She has a hell of a lot on her plate as it is, she absolutely does not need us adding to it and I'm appalled that some people don't see the problem with that.

As for the situation in general, these are my thoughts...people were so quick to doubt, and I don't understand why. There was so much jumping to conclusions, assuming 'they're not gonna say anything, they must be against BLM!!', even though we have a decade+ of hard evidence they fall on the liberal side of the spectrum. Hell, Brandon is on record about abortion, of all things, as a very religious Mormon. So it really boggles my mind that so many people jumped straight to 'oh god they're racist, they're against Black Lives Matter' as opposed to 'Maybe they're taking their time, gathering their thoughts, gaining perspective'.

Obviously what they did takes time, and frankly they were very quick - I'd like to see one of the 'tHeY wErE tOo LaTe' people rewrite a song in under a week! Such a heartfelt, beautifully genuine statement they issued, in the format Brandon has always turned to when he really cares and doesn't want to fuck it up by talking.

The band provided a very clear statement with zero room for misinterpretation. Their positive stance on Black Lives Matter is crystal clear in that song, and still so many people - who claim to be on the same side as the band - are spewing hate at them and at anyone who dares to confront or argue with them, all while claiming to be against hate...Instagram in particular is very hostile right now.

It's unproductive, unhelpful, and frankly very damaging to the movement they claim to support - it discourages people who actually do agree with the message from speaking out, because people see that and they internalize this: not only are they going to have to deal with people on the other side attacking them (which is, of course, a given), now they have to be attacked by people ON THE SAME SIDE who say they didn't do enough, they didn't make a statement in precisely the same way they wanted? Nothing is ever enough!

It is okay to say 'hey, the song is great, and I appreciate what you've done, but I was hoping you guys would provide resources as well - here is a link to donate/learn more if anyone wants it!'

It blows my mind, however, that the majority of the comments were outright vitriolic. Those people were not providing constructive criticism. 'OPEN YOUR WALLET' is not a valid response. It's a very peculiar type of gatekeeping, to belittle and bully those on your own side of a cause (fans included).

Curiously, I went through all the comments on their FB post and their Insta post yesterday, and found exactly TWO comments from people who were against the BLM movement and we're angry that the band supported it. TWO. Out of over a thousand comments between the platforms, only two people were against the movement. All the 'god I'm so disappointed in you guys, what the fuck, this is pathetic, this is lip service', whatever the fuck they wanted to say...all of that came from people who were claiming to be on the same damn side as the band, and yet they're spitting venom at their peers for not advocating in a way that fits their apparently extremely narrow definition of activism. How does that benefit the cause? How does that move anything forward? How does that encourage others to speak out, how does that make them feel safe enough to do so?

It doesn't. People already know that by speaking up on potentially divisive issues they're going to face hostility from people on the other side of the fence...so why are people choosing to attack their friends, their allies, those who stand for the same values as they claim to represent?

We know the people in this band, we know where their hearts are. They're good people. They've spent years filling their music with empathy, with compassion. Brandon spent years tracking down people he'd hurt in the band's early years and apologizing to them (sometimes even in public), he has very open about his flaws as a person and his quest to grow and leave them behind, from being an outspoken stuck-up little shit to not being the husband he should have been in earlier TK days.

Brandon at least is on record about pretty much every issue under the sun including abortion...and yet so many people readily turned their backs on them simply because they took longer than a day to post a heartfelt, thoughtful statement.

Before they put out LotF 2, I 100% understood being disappointed - I was a little disappointed myself, but I had enough trust and faith in them as people, in their history, to believe that they would make a statement when they were ready. At no point, though, has this matter been worth the anger some people are flinging at it. That energy would be better spent writing politicians or protesting themselves, not harrassing the band (and their families- such a huge red line).

They took the time they needed and they produced a statement which is clear, moving, and very thoughtful. The song speaks for itself. We have no right to demand more and to insult Brandon and Ronnie and Tana - or any others who speak out on behalf of this cause or any other - for not doing as we may think they should, for not doing it "right".

The band has no obligation at all to make everything a public statement simply because they're celebrities - they choose to speak out, but they're also just regular people and they have a right to live their lives as regular people in any way they can. There is no single right way to show support for a cause. They don't have to tell us that they've donated. If they did, we'd just have people saying 'ok how much? It's not enough' or 'only $X?! That's pennies to you!' If they gave people a link to donate, that'd be attacked as well because 'what did you donate then? How much? Why should I donate if you won't say you did/if you only donated X amount and you're worth Y amount'...there is no way to win with some people. They have a right to donate in private or to contribute in other ways, which they have clearly done. They gave us a beautiful statement, their position is clear as day. They've taken a stand.

We know their hearts are in the right place - privately, as is their right as human fucking beings. It's so disappointing and so disgusting - some seriously were willing to just throw their whole history out the window, ready to skewer them. Absolutely unbelievable. This band is made up of decent people - they have shown so much empathy and compassion, desire to grow and be better as human beings, in what they say, how they act, the music they make - for YEARS and yet people were ready to go for their heads at the slightest opportunity...and still, they are spreading hate in the comments, attacking anyone who dares to confront or argue with them. I've never been so disappointed and disgusted by a fanbase before. I've had the misfortune to be around for blowups like this before, for other artists, but never one with this little justification.

There's really not very much that is "problematic" about The Killers these days, yet some people seem to have decided to actively try to find things to complain about, even if they support the same cause. It's baffling.

I'm all for acknowledging when there is something worth calling them out on, but to me...this is not one of those things. The most problematic, anger-inducing thing I can think of is not giving Sarah Junker photo passes (and let me tell you, I have a big problem with that!)

So I just...I really don't get it. Trying to tear down artists and their families, fellow fans...that is not the point of fandom to me. The point of being a fan, the joy in it, that comes from supporting the artist and being kind to the rest of the fanbase, which a lot of The Killers "fans" seem to be struggling with right now.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Today I took the Big Five Personality test (i’ve taken it several times before). I’m looking at the definitions for the five traits, and thinking about how they interact with my C-PTSD.

Openness

Openness describes a person’s tendency to think in abstract, complex ways. High scorers tend to be creative, adventurous, and intellectual. They enjoy playing with ideas and discovering novel experiences. Low scorers tend to be practical, conventional, and focused on the concrete. They tend to avoid the unknown and follow traditional ways.

Openness is strongly related to a person’s interest in art and culture. People who are high in openness tend to enjoy the arts and seek out unusual, complex forms of self-expression. People who are low in openness are often suspicious of the arts and prefer to focus on more practical pursuits.

I score high on this, which surprises me a little, given how conventional my parents are and how much they tried to squelch my individuality. But I guess my natural creativity and intellectual curiosity couldn’t be squelched. :)

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness describes a person’s ability to exercise self-discipline and control in order to pursue their goals. High scorers are organized and determined, and are able to forego immediate gratification for the sake of long-term achievement. Low scorers are impulsive and easily sidetracked.

The concept of Conscientiousness focuses on a dilemma we all face: shall I do what feels good now, or instead do what is less fun but will pay off in the future? Some people are more likely to choose fun in the moment, and thus are low in Conscientiousness. Others are more likely to work doggedly toward their goals, and thus are high in this trait.

I score high on this. It might be related to the fact that my family was SUPER DISCIPLINED and made me so, too. On the other hand, some people respond to stress with procrastination and impulsivity, so.

Extraversion

Extraversion describes a person’s inclination to seek stimulation from the outside world, especially in the form of attention from other people. Extraverts engage actively with others to earn friendship, admiration, power, status, excitement, and romance. Introverts, on the other hand, conserve their energy, and do not work as hard to earn these social rewards.

Extraversion seems to be related to the emotional payoff that a person gets from achieving a goal. While everyone experiences victories in life, it seems that extroverts are especially thrilled by these victories, especially when they earn the attention of others. Getting a promotion, finding a new romance, or winning an award are all likely to bring an extrovert great joy. In contrast, introverts do not experience as much of a “high” from social achievements. They tend to be more content with simple, quiet lives, and rarely seek attention from others.

Now, this is particularly interesting to me. Because this is not how I’ve heard “extroversion” defined in the past. I’ve always understood that extroverts are energized by interactions with others (often lots of others) and drained by being alone, and that introverts are energized by being alone and drained by being with others. According to that definition, I’m an introvert. However, I score 79% on extraversion in this test, because I definitely value others’ opinions of me, often more than I value my opinions of myself. I would not call this “extraversion”, however: I would call this, “an external locus of self-esteem.” 

This particular trait is really complicated for me, anyway. Because my level of stereotypical extroverted traits (talkativeness, wanting to be the center of attention, starting conversations, etc) is EXTREMELY context-specific. When I’m comfortable and feeling like I’m getting positive feedback, I am VERY talkative. I start conversations with pleasant-seeming strangers a LOT, sometimes. And I LOVE being the center of positive attention, as long as I’m in a situation where I feel like it’s valid for me to be that center (because my “showing off” was a Capital Crime in my narcissistic mother’s opinion, so I’ve got kind of a complex about it). However, if I’m in a situation where I feel rejected at all, I crawl back into my shell like a wounded turtle. So I have trouble answering questions about extroversion and introversion to begin with! It depends SO MUCH and my responses end up on opposite ends of spectrum.

(Generally, I describe myself as “a big-mouthed introvert.” I desperately need lots of alone time, but I LOVE to communicate. Thus my adoration of the internet. lol)

Agreeableness

Agreeableness describes a person’s tendency to put others’ needs ahead of their own, and to cooperate rather than compete with others. People who are high in Agreeableness experience a great deal of empathy and tend to get pleasure out of serving and taking care of others. They are usually trusting and forgiving.

People who are low in Agreeableness tend to experience less empathy and put their own concerns ahead of others. Low scorers are often described as hostile, competitive, and antagonistic. They tend to have more conflictual relationships and often fall out with people.

While I scored high on this (77%), this is my lowest of all five scores. Which is funny, because I get the impression that other people’s impression of me is that I’m EXTREMELY agreeable. (Heck, I was occasionally referred to in high school by people who didn’t know my name as “The Nice One”!)

I think the reason my agreeableness score isn’t as high as my others is twofold. The first issue is that I feel a lot more empathy than I do drive to care for others. I feel other people’s feelings a LOT. However, I also frequently find other people’s negative feelings overwhelming. If I’m in a situation where there isn’t anybody else to help, or where I would be expected to help, I jump in and help (a friend really needs help with a task and has no one else to ask. Someone falls down and scrapes their knee right in front of me. etc). I expend a lot of emotional energy doing this.

However, if I’m in a situation where someone else can step in, or where I wouldn’t be expected to help, I often don’t help (sometimes seeing someone in distress online, etc). So I tend to score myself a little lower on this than I might otherwise do.

But that brings me to the other reason my score isn’t that high: because I’m scoring MYSELF. It may be that my standards for how much I SHOULD be giving of myself to others is waaaaay higher than it needs to be (in fact, I’m almost sure it is). Hardly surprising, considering I grew up with a narcissistic mother who thought I should constantly be putting HER first and I should therefore NEVER be first. When you grow up being taught that self-abnegation is your primary duty, you tend to feel bad about yourself whenever you’re doing basic self-care. It’s pretty twisted.

Anyway, I think this is a failing of the entire test as a whole: it’s based on self-perception. I think our perception of ourselves is often skewed. And I think it’s particularly skewed for those with childhood emotional abuse/neglect. Because one of the things that good enough parents do (that toxic parents do not) is reflect to their children an accurate view of themselves. If your parents gave you a skewed view of yourself, or refused to reflect upon you at all, it’s hardly surprising you’d have trouble accurately evaluating yourself.

Neuroticism

Neuroticism describes a person’s tendency to experience negative emotions, including fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and shame. While everyone experiences these emotions from time to time, some people are more prone to them than others.

This trait can be thought of as an alarm system. People experience negative emotions as a sign that something is wrong in the world. You may be in danger, so you feel fear. Or you may have done something morally wrong, so you feel guilty. However, not everyone has the same reaction to a given situation. High Neuroticism scorers are more likely to react to a situation with fear, anger, sadness, and the like. Low Neuroticism scorers are more likely to brush off their misfortune and move on.

I have PTSD. My neuroticism score is necessarily going to be high. “Neuroticism” basically measures emotional stability, and those with mood disorders or most kinds of mental health problems are obviously going to have a lower score on emotional stability. That being said, I think it’d be interesting to take this test again when I’ve recovered from PTSD (some things linger for the rest of one’s life, but one can recover from the acute symptoms). My score might go down. It’s already fluctuated over the last two and a half years from a highest score of 83% (Feb. 2018) to a lowest score of 62.5% (Sept. 2018). And those two scores were only 7 months apart!

This makes me wonder about the validity of this test. The studies I managed to find on a simple google search about whether Big Five personality traits changed much over time all seemed to be very long-term studies: they test you very infrequently over long periods of time. Testing more frequently might show more instability in scores, which might cast doubt on the test’s validity, or even on the idea that these are actually personality traits (more long-lasting trends in behavior) or simply tendencies which could change a great deal within short periods of time

[war--lords]

Hanayome

Warnings: Female!Reader, mild family conflict, possible inaccuracy Word count: 3,648 Tagged: #hanayome Translations and important notes:

Irouchikake is a colorful variant of the bridal kimono, while shiromuku is the kind that is all white. 

Norito chants are a form of Shinto prayer/incantation.

Shimenawa refers to the special rope used to signify something holy, like trees, for example.

Tengu literally means ‘heavenly dog’, but in mythology, they are portrayed to take the form of birds of prey.

This has really gotten out of hand—I know it’s not nearly as popular as my other fics, but I genuinely enjoy writing this, going so far as to stay up late and make multiple edits :’) So I hope you enjoy reading it!

Part 1 Part 3

2.

Not long ago you were dressed in a rush with the help of at least four other miko, and now, an intricate hairstyle sitting atop your head and donning an irouchikake, you stand before the red gate, eager to make the ascent. Your garbs are especially audacious when compared to Kiku’s shiromuku: its scarlet base, just as the god Tengu demands, brings out the black-colored designs, and on top of that are auspicious imagery filled with white and outlined in what seemed to be gold thread. It appears to shine as you walk.

If Kiku looked like winter’s first snow, you looked like autumn’s burning foliage. 

Your attire is the last thing on your mind, however. It never crossed your mind that you would actually climb up those sacred stairs to the Seiiki just the way you imagined it earlier, while you were half-asleep and angry. There is still a low fire kindling at the bottom of your gut, but it is more determination than vexation. You’ve hugged Kiku and your mother after you got dressed—they held you in their arms as if it would be their last time seeing you, but a part of your demeanor shows as though you were only meeting the god Tengu to talk. You’ve yet to decide if that’s a form of denial. 

As for your father, you knelt before him and kept your head down for the appropriate amount of time. You don’t know what kind of face he made. You don’t really care.

Something inside you tells you that it’d be better for them without you. You hastily brush that thought away, realizing that the voice is the same one who whispers only ugly things to you. It’s not as if your fate is sealed, anyway—you’re adamant to show the god Tengu that he isn’t the only one with demands, and the first one you’ll declare is for that harrowing mark on Kiku’s neck to disappear. You won’t leave until it is done.

Then again, you’re not sure if you want to go back to the temple. Do you? Unconsciously your eyebrows knit, the first symptoms of your overthinking. You’ll deal with the problem when the problem arises, you decide. Pondering won’t be of much help. 

You look back to the unmoving scene behind you: your family, standing in a row in their ceremonial garbs, followed by the whole of the temple. They are all completely still, with little to no emotion betrayed by their faces. Only Kiku appears to be misty-eyed, most likely from how downright absurd the tables turned. As your gaze falls on her you spy the red string around her neck. You choose to flash her a small smile, but you find yourself not knowing what it means. “You’ll be fine on your own”? “I’m sorry it turned out this way”? “I’ll be back”? Somehow you mean all of that and, at the same time, none of them feel right.

You spare one final glance at your parents before walking out the red gate. Despite your mild fever, your steps are wide and sure, not as fast as the vision you saw in your mind’s eye, but just as driven. The evenfall rain thins out into a light shower. Still, you have an umbrella in one hand, the traditional lantern gripped tightly by the other. The young miko from earlier follows closely behind you—she volunteered to climb again because she was “already wet anyway”, but everyone insisted that she carried an umbrella nevertheless.

If the steps aren’t so slippery you would already be running, you mentally note.

Up and up you go, feeling the air change ever so slightly with each inhale. The rustle of bamboo leaves to your left and right becomes the new silence to your ears, with only the occasional whistle of wind as an almost musical accompaniment. Rain brings out a nostalgic smell from the ground—it reminds you that your feet are still on earth, and that the soil on top of Mount Kurama the same soil on top of which the village is built.

You think that the twists and turns of the steps are rather broad compared to what it looks like from afar. In person, it feels more like a gentle change of direction, and it makes you pay more attention to the mountain, like you are feeling where the ground is level and where it slopes. Your mind maps it out almost like a human body: alive.

The thought helps especially because it feels like you are climbing a stairway to heaven.

You preoccupy yourself with the topology—anything to stave away excessive, useless rumination. You find that norito chants prove to be effective as well. 

To your disdain, however, climbing a seemingly endless flight of stairs does things to your mind. It has to be quite a while since the start of your climb, and your eyes are beginning to spin from looking at the same pattern of stones many times over. The mantras lose their purpose as soon as muscle memory takes over, your lips mechanically forming the words, robbing your mind from the necessity to think it through. Your fingers adjust their grip on the umbrella and you purse your lips.

You can’t help but think about Kiku, and you briefly wonder if she thought about you too during her ascent.

It is not off the mark for you to assume that the holy steps are also a place of trial, for the things you recall about your shared childhood with Kiku seems to highlight only the darkest moments. You know that it was overall a pleasant, peaceful experience, growing up with her, but the steps… it’s as if every single bitter knot in the deepest crevices of your mind has surfaced because of it, no matter how small and ugly they may be.

She is the temperate lake to your forest fire.

Not exactly loving words coming from a father, but not exactly lies. Kiku has always been the milder one, and you know that this has led to her being more well-liked. She isn’t absolutely obedient and meek, but compared to you, she appears so. After all, you are always the one to question, accepting the argument that inevitably occurs in the aftermath. Perhaps that was why you weren’t as popular with the boys when you were young—you were close to plenty of them, but only as a friend, never a love interest. 

Kiku was very popular. Still is. In fact, when that fateful arrow shot the temple roof, many brave—borderline foolish—men offered a more... confrontational kind of solution in hopes of saving her from her destiny. Your father declined, however. They would simply perish before the god Tengu and further fuel his anger, which would do the village no favors whatsoever. You remember how it was the same back in the day—a lot of boys enjoy helping out Kiku, perhaps viewing her as nothing more but a powerless pretty girl, but you were always there for her first. Subconsciously, your lips tug into a small smile.

With that many pursuers, you wonder if Kiku had any lovers. You recall some who were close to capturing her heart, but she was very young and feeble, maybe a little scared of the idea about a relationship—especially after your father found out about one particular boy she was close to and drove him off, forbidding Kiku from ever seeing him again. His family wasn’t distinguished enough in your father’s eyes, this much you understood even while you were younger. You remember feeling angry about it.

“I swear I love him,” she cried in your arms that night, “so much...”

That was probably the hardest she’s ever cried in front of you.  

On the other hand, your luck was never in the romantic sphere, so to speak. There were men interested in you, but it never lasted. You had your fair share of rejecting their advances because you just thought a relationship wasn’t what you wanted, and you also had to go through some painful, confusing experiences with the man suddenly growing disinterested and leaving. It brought you an amount of self-doubt, which later on grew to become rooted insecurities that you somehow couldn’t blame on anyone.  

You’re sure Kiku has her own problems to deal with, a sentiment that you think she shares. This could be largely why the two of you were never gravely jealous of each other—a level of empathy and communication led the two of you to an understanding that you are different and it’s okay.

It’s okay. The thought serves more like a promise than a statement because you feel your legs begin to ache. The repeating stone patterns seem to be all your eyes can see and it’s starting to make you sick. 

Just a little more, you think, as the stairs make yet another turn.

——————————

You don’t know if it’s fatigue or fog, but by the time you reach the peak, everything seems so cloudy it looks like a dream. The air is significantly colder on top of the mountain, and you’re suddenly grateful for the many layers of your bridal ensemble—they are not made for warmth, but in its abundance you find comfort. The forest’s rustles fill the silence, though the wind isn’t as strong now.

In front of you are stairs no more, only single leveled stone path with flaming bamboo torches on its left and right despite the consistently light rain. Holy flames, you note, and the way it looks more white than gold reminds you of the arrow. There’s a faint throbbing in your chest, making you stop in your tracks for a moment. 

She will climb up Mount Kurama to meet her groom and dwell in the Seiiki with him forever.

You feel the young miko’s gaze behind you, watching, perhaps in concern from your sudden inaction. You allow yourself to let out a sigh as you start to walk again. 

Swiftly, the flames of the torches parallel to you disappear with a whoosh, as though they were blown away by something. You are indeed taken aback, but manage to keep your emotions hidden, continuing to walk the stone path. For all you know, there could be watchful eyes in places you can’t see—the god Tengu attracts devotees with many powers that can be used to harm mankind should he wills it. 

You walk on, trying to ignore the way each torch blows out when you pass them. You look up at the sky from under your umbrella—it’s so nice to finally be able to see it again, after what seems like hours of climbing and looking down at your feet to make sure you don’t slip. The night is dark and the rain remains insistent, but you can see the clouds beginning to drift away, revealing stars that look too close to be real. 

Not long after you discovering a wide clearing to what seems like a terribly unassuming, unmistakably old mansion, albeit not the kind of old that is worn throughout the years. It is the kind of old you don’t see, but feel. And yet its feeling is as plain as day, even the most spiritually detached can see it—that this is a place of utmost sanctity, one that a daughter of a head priestess such as yourself hasn’t experienced.

Shimenawa ropes are tied together from the bronze poles that surround the mansion’s court. Wordlessly, you turn around to look at the young miko—she already knows what to do, this being her second ascent within less than a day. From the bundle of cloth, she takes out a jug and a single rice ball, her meal before she returns, traversing down those same treacherous stairs to the temple. You watch as she makes herself comfortable, sitting down at a spot at the end of the path. Filled with sympathy, you wonder why she willingly undertook the task, and if you’ll ever see her again after stepping foot beyond the shimenawa.

Offering her a long bow, you take one last look at the miko—she can’t be much older than you—before bracing yourself to face the inevitable. According to the ancient decree, only head priests are allowed in the temple, but you suppose the god Tengu can bend as many rules as he wants as long as he’s the one who designed them. 

You lean down to grab the rope. Holding it above and over you, you step in, both feet touching the court’s cobblestones. Nothing happens. Were you not meant to be here, how will you perish? Thunder? Fire? A flock of the god Tengu’s hawks, from the stories, descending from the sky to pierce at your flesh and gouge your eyes out?

...or maybe an arrow to the heart?

Your chest throbs yet again. The many distracting thoughts your mind conjures make you feel like your head is crowded and full, so you decide to count each step you take towards the mansion. Its obvious entrance, marked by more torches, is facing you, the symmetry of the building conveniently letting you know where to go—straight ahead.

One. Two. Three. Four. Your heart starts beating faster than it should.

The sound of your geta on the ground echoes, five, six, seven, eight, and you watch the lights in the mansion. Somebody is home. You wonder if you’ve ever been this nervous, because by the eighth, ninth, tenth step, the butterflies inside your stomach have multiplied, their wings fluttering up a storm. A minor shiver racks up your spine and you feel your fever coming back twofold. There’s cold sweat on your nape.

Eleven, twelve, thirteen. You will yourself not to look back at the young miko—has she gotten enough rest?—for fear that you will abandon your mission. But you can’t. You don’t want to. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen steps in, and you remember Kiku’s neck, the crumpled paper from the arrow slipped in your obi, the white fire. Suddenly the butterflies are powerless, dissolving like cotton flowers on a lake. Your heart might still be beating as fast as a rabbit’s, but you feel purpose coursing through your veins. 

It takes you fifty steps to reach the mansion’s entrance, and by that time you feel the fog clouding your mind has been lifted. Besides the dryness of your throat, nothing else seems uncomfortable, even the heavy irouchikake isn’t as heavy as it was at the beginning of your ascent. You’ve never felt more present, more centered and grounded. All your doubts purged by the stairs, leaving you light but not faint. 

You are exactly where you need to be.

Realizing that your lantern is unneeded, you place it gently in front of the stairs towards the door. You walk up, counting each of them. Fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four.

The sliding door opens without any prompting, and you find yourself unsurprised. He is expecting a guest, after all—one that is supposed to stay forever. You look ahead, taking in the interior as much as you can without delaying your arrival too much. The god Tengu lives in the mansion of an emperor, which is arguably modest considering his godliness. A straight hallway lies in front of you, leading you to the next door. 

Your chest responds as the door behind you closes, this time not a dull ache, but a more powerful shudder. Strangely enough, you don’t find it painful anymore.

——————————

Kiku is right—the room is large, a throne room for royalty. He sits in the middle, at the very end of the room, like a languid yet expectant royalty. To an unassuming person, he appears to be just as human as you are, no more than thirty years of age. He wears the finest of fabrics, the designs on his kimono lavish and grand. Like the rest of the room, he wears scarlet lots of black, including a feathery cape on his back. His seat on the carnelian dais is simple in comparison to how you imagine most thrones would look like, but it is the ceiling-high decorations and ornaments surrounding it, colored in red, black and gold, that makes it impressive.

No, that isn’t right. It is he who makes it impressive. Intimidating. Powerful.

Just like in the stories, he has a face of a hawk, except that it is a mask. It covers half of his face, revealing only his mouth and the lower part of his face to view. You notice there are no holes for his eyes to see—the only explanation is that he doesn’t need them. The swoop of the hawk’s bill forms a sharp silhouette that makes you wonder if it can cut through skin.

The mask can’t, but the real hawk on his shoulder most definitely can. It watches you with caution from its perch, its yellow eyes seemingly shining through black feathers. You notice two black dogs, one on each side, sitting just underneath his feet below the dais. Under their paws are brilliant red orbs, which look a lot like their blood eyes.

“Come closer.”

His voice booms even from so far away, and it doesn’t look like he’s trying to be loud at all. You find yourself unable to take your eyes off of him as you walk down the room. The beating of your heart in your ears are deafening on top of the silence. Is it because you are facing a god that your mortal body can’t take it? You might be filled with resolve, but it’ll meaning absolutely nothing should your heart decide to explode.

With his hands he lets you know that he wants you in front of him—he steps down from the dais, and at that moment you notice that the cape you thought he was wearing turns out to be a pair of broad wings. The air around you moves as they flap once, as if to stretch. He waits for you.

Standing in front of him, you find your self-awareness extremely heightened. He is taller than you, with wider shoulders and an unmistakable aura of inhuman authority. Despite all this, however, he does not extort any fear out of you at all. In fact, he is strangely... comforting. Like something you’ve known your whole life.

Kiku’s voice rings in your ears just then. He said your name... he wants you.

“The paper,” he says, holding out his hand. There are no echoes to his voice anymore.

You reach for the crumpled slip and took it out, giving it to him with both hands.

He receives it on his palm, and instantly the calligraphic character on it emits a strong light, beaming up holy rays to the ceiling. You feel your breath knocked out of you—your chest. It’s hot. And then, excruciating pain. Too much for you to bear, too agonizing you can’t make a sound, your mouth feebly opening in a silent scream. It spreads through your nerves and you can sense them so clearly like they’re burning paths on your skin. Your hands clutch your chest in fear of your heart bursting out of your ribcage. Tears begin to form in your eyes, closed from the sheer pain of it all. 

A second later it’s over, the ‘marriage’ kanji returning to its dull ink color, and in that moment all the strength escapes your body. Everything—from the ascent, from your dream, from when the arrow first struck your home, from the years of your life before all this—they’ve all been let go from you, merely sands through your fingers. You’re about to fall face-first from the weakness in your knees but he knows, bringing you into his arms until you seem ready to stand on your own. His hands on your waist and back are pleasantly warm. 

“Red looks exquisite on you.”

“Yes, but it isn’t so flattering on Kiku. Reverse that enchantment on her at once.”

“My, you’ve always been one fireball, haven’t you,” he replies with a chuckle. It reverberates from his chest to yours, and there’s something immediately calming about the sound. “It has been done,” he says, showing you the paper in his hand. It doesn’t look much different, but you can clearly notice the absence of its spiritual force. You felt it first-hand.

As you slowly depart from the security of his arms, trying to regain your bearings, you feel his hand on your forehead.

“You are still warm,” he declares, emotions unreadable from under the mask. “We shall continue this somewhere more appropriate for you to rest.” He knows you have much to discuss with him—he is a god, after all. At this point, nothing should surprise you. 

“I’m fine,” you quickly say, and it suddenly strikes you that you’re not sure how to address him.

“Tengu is the name given to the people for them to worship me. To those who are in equal standing as I, I am called Nobunaga. You are my bride,” his hand wills you to look up, a finger under your chin, “thus you are my equal.”

His bride. It hasn’t sunk in yet, but somehow the title is now more palatable than when you first heard it. As if it were destined. You blink, hoping for the thought to go away. Perhaps being in close quarters with a god makes it easier for him to make you feel more inclined to his wishes?

But ‘Nobunaga’... how odd. It sounds like it could be the name of any other man in the village. You look at where his eyes are supposed to be behind the mask.

“Are you going to read my mind throughout the entirety of this meeting?”

“Only to warm you up,” he says, lips curling into a dangerous smirk. He turns around, walking towards a sliding door. With the pain in your chest completely gone, you follow closely behind.

[supertoyslastallsummerlong]

On Night of the soul, the chapter in machine!Connor run i don’t really understand.

When i saw the variation where deviant Connor was there instead (rare result, as far as i understood), it actually made more sense? 

Connor comes to Hank’s house after his resignation and Jericho raid to apologize, and then can try to talk him out of playing russian roulette. Why would he even do that if he’s remaining a machine and doesn’t feel emotions like empathy? Why can he say things like “I want you to know I'm sorry”,  “I was worried about you”? Hank is not relevant to the mission of stopping Markus/North, there’s no deviant investigations anymore, and his good graces can’t be the means to better solve them (if there ever was such an objective, Amanda was not happy with Connor choosing ‘friendly’ or ‘adapt’ in answer to the question “What would be the best approach in working with troubled Lt. Anderson?”). 

And yes, i love angst and unhappy endings sometimes too (especially when i know that in the case of interactive cinema there are equally canon good endings too). So i don’t have a problem with the fact that Connor can’t stop Hank from shooting himself. In the text it almost reads as a way of ‘punishing’ player for not being empathetic enough through Connor, as if machine ending with Connor being replaced is not punishing enough. Dramatic chapter, sad, heavy, and the words Hank can say if Connor hasn’t died before were beautifully heartbreaking too, through not exactly fair -  For a while there, I believed in you, Connor... I thought you might restore my faith in the world... But you just showed me that androids... Are our creation... Creation in our own image. Selfish, ruthless, and brutal... Not Markus is showing him that through violent uprising, if he chooses - it’s Connor the detective prototype who Hank sees as the most telling example of androidhood.

But at the same time - wouldn’t it be more interesting if there was a way for Connor to prevent it? Just like there is a way for Markus to be he reason of Carl dying in Night of the soul, and ways to leave him alive peacefully? Just like with possibility of leaving roof in Last mission, if relationship with Hank were high enough before Crossroads. But maybe it’s the mechanics, that’s where the problem lies - Hank stays alive by the end only if his relationship with Connor are good, and you don’t get Night of the soul for Connor in that case. . 

[a-student-out-of-time]

That was my biggest gripe (among many tbh) about the Despair Arc of DR3 too-- it seemed like they chickened out of some of the boldest and most interesting story choices SDR2 made. No, they didn't REALLY choose to be bad guys actually! They were just Hollywood Brainwashed! Izuru didn't commit a massacre in Hope's Peak, he was framed by Junko! We'll *tell* you they did awful things but only offscreen, you have to take our word for it, what we actually show you says something else entirely

//Yeah, that’s one of the most paradoxical things about DR3. Sometimes it chickens out of showing the stuff we want to see or that were referenced in other games. Other times, it goes straight for shock value and tries to be as disturbing as possible.

//We can’t actually show Class 77 succumbing to despair, oh but we can definitely show Chisa getting tortured and lobotomized! That’s totally fine! We can show an entire classroom of teenagers butchering each other, but we can’t let our boy Izuru do anything wrong! That’d just be terrible!

//And let’s lay a nice grotesque undercurrent of sexualization on it all, because any semblance of good taste is overrated.

//Like, if they’d actually committed, if they’d gone with what DR3 despair side was actually supposed to be about, even I don’t think that would be enough to make any of that okay. It would’ve been better in a lot of ways, but still not okay.

//SDR2 actually had its horrifying plot twist of the cast being the Remnants of Despair backed up by actual substance. It was actually horrific to think about and contemplate about how the people we’ve come to know this game were, at one point, some of the most dangerous people in human history. And that they ended up that way through Junko breaking them down through their flaws and digging away at them until they were shattered and chose to follow her.

//DR3 did away with all that and provided horrific imagery and scenarios that came out of nowhere and added nothing to the plot other than a few minutes of revulsion and largely artificial drama.

//Again, that’s a bigger problem than just DR and I can provide another example of why I hate that kind of writing. I’m gonna put a trigger warning on it though, since I know not everyone is comfortable with even hearing about topics like this. If you’re not, please feel free to scroll past.

⚠️ Trigger Warning Start   ⚠️

//When it comes to depictions of rape or sexual assault, it’s usually not about them or the people affected. It exists just to be shocking and horrific, and often to give the impression of the story being “mature,” then gets tossed aside and never really matters again. But throwing adult elements into a story with no regard for consequence is quite immature.

//First off, ask yourself if your story really needs to be involve rape or sexual assault. If there isn’t a damn good reason for you to replace it with something else that could work just as well, you probably shouldn’t do it.

//And if you want to write a story about rape, focus on the aftermath and consequences. Show what the characters involved go through, how they change, what they experience in the aftermath and how they get recover as a result. And above all else, be respectful.

//The most respectful thing you can do is don’t show it or describe the scene. There’s literally no reason to. It’s a grotesque, awful thing, but any decent human being already understands that. All that depicting a rape scene will do is come across as tasteless and potentially traumatizing, especially for readers who’ve sadly experienced it themselves.

//And probably the most ironic thing? Not showing or describing the rape is not just more respectful, but actually work far more in favor if you wanted to go for shocking and horrific. The reader’s imagination will do all the work for you and you can focus on what actually matters: character growth in the wake of the event.

⚠️ Trigger Warning Finish  ⚠️

//The point being, if you’re going to go through with having these dark adult elements in your story, they need to be properly researched, understood, and above all, need to have lasting ramifications for everyone involved. There need to be real lasting consequences for things like this and actual substantive reasons for us to care.

//And healthy amounts of empathy can go a long way. DR, while it handles some of these types of issues well, really fumbles the ball when it comes to others. The intent is there, but it really needs work and serious dedication to pull them off.

//DR3 did not handle them well at all, but it could’ve worked if the writing had been cleaned up, the plot had more focus on the right elements, and there was more room to breathe. Ultimately, it needed another draft.

[enneagramspam]

VERONICA SAWYER

6w7

“I wish you'd come with me-“

In response to a question asked over on r/enneafiction.

Veronica’s Six core is exploited at every turn throughout Heathers, the Musical and the clashing of her loyalty to her ideals with the desire to feel safe and secure ultimately results in an abrupt and extreme disintegration over the course of the show. 

Basic Fear:  Of being without support and guidance / Basic Desire: To have security and support

“I wanted someone strong who could protect me…”

Veronica wants, more than anything else, for someone to have her back in a world she perceives as dangerous and frightening. This is made abundantly clear in Fight For Me, the song where she falls in love with JD after seeing him defend himself. The repeated lyric; “I would fight for you // If you would fight for me,” is the most obvious example- the world itself might remain unsafe, but the potential security to be found in another person is a huge draw for her (“Could you carry me through no man's land?”).

This isn’t the first instance of Veronica’s safety seeking behaviour, however- it’s present as early as Beautiful, when she asks the Heathers; “Um. Let me sit at your table, at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think that you guys tolerate me, then they'll leave me alone…” Veronica isn’t interested in spending time with the Heathers for the sake of popularity or self-affirmation- it’s as a shield. Beautiful also sees her scrambling out of the way of anyone who might pose a threat (“Oh, sorry!” // “Aah, nothing!”), except, notably, when Martha is the one being threatened, where the first glimpse of a counterphobic Veronica emerges; “Pick that up right now … I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend.” Sixes are loyal to their friends, but also to their beliefs- Veronica has a strong sense of justice and a conviction that things can become better again;

“But I know, I know...

Life can be beautiful

I pray, I pray

For a better way

We were kind before;

We can be kind once more

We can be beautiful..,”

Ultimately, it’s her loyalty to this ideal, and her ability to function counterphobically to defend and preserve it, that saves her and the school as a whole, allowing her to confront JD with the conviction that “his solution is a lie,” despite his repeated attempts to exploit her loyalty; “Please don’t leave me alone, // You were all I could trust.”

Everything comes to a head at the end of Act One. After the events of Blue leave Veronica feeling particularly defenseless, she does what a disintegrated Six is wont to, and latches onto her only source of security; JD. “You’re not alone,” he tells her, an offer of the security she is seeking, but can’t seem to find anywhere else. Veronica finds herself drawing strength from the relationship; “We’re what killed the dinosaurs, // We’re the asteroid that’s overdue,” and ultimately venerates it to religious significance, following JD’s lead; “Our love is God.” But the fantascism of these statements, and the undercurrent of violence present from the beginning of the song, betray her disintegration, and the brutality that is about to ensue. Veronica reacts with horror when she discovers that JD has in fact, murdered Kurt and Ram instead of just knocking them out as he promised, (“What the fuck have you done?”) but he remains her only source of safety, even in a world that he has just made a lot more dangerous- he is still completely loyal to her; “...I worship you // I'd trade my life for yours.” Veronica finds herself, more afraid than ever, but with no other source of potential safety, she continues to answer JD, “Our love is God,” despite the fear plain on her face, and doesn’t try to leave his embrace- letting go would mean facing her basic fear, and being without support and guidance.

Seventeen is her attempt to make their relationship into a true source of sanctuary for the pair of them, appealing to JD’s own strength of loyalty (“Can’t we be seventeen? // That’s all I want to do.”). As a Six, she is unable to make a convincing statement without acknowledging all their past pain; “Fine we’re damaged,” and the truth of more in their future, “People hurt us … And you’re right, that really blows.” The song exemplifies her Seven wing- she suggests shallow distractions from the pain, chilli fries, prom night, shopping for summer clothes- but ultimately what she is offering JD is her presence by his side; “Don’t stop looking in my eyes.” The song is filled with offers and promises of and appeals to both their senses of loyalty; “I wanna be with you,” “Your love’s too good to lose,” “Hold me tighter,” etc. Ultimately, the conclusion; “I’ll stay if I’m what you choose // If I am what you choose // ‘Cause you’re the one I choose.” sums up Veronica’s tendency towards loyalty, but also need for it, perfectly.

Disintegration to 3:

“Dreams are coming true // When people laugh but not at you!”

What drives many Sixes to disintegrate is a belief that they are not equipped to protect themselves. Veronica’s initial disintegration occurs when she joins the Heathers as a direct result of this belief- by Candy Store, she has become image-conscious enough to sabotage Martha’s popularity in order to maintain her own (and thus her own safety.) Big Fun makes it clear that this strategy, though unhealthy, is working for her, (“I'm not alone! I'm not afraid!”) and she spirals further into it.

When disintegrated, Sixes lash out- they divide the world into “them and us,” and can be driven to sabotage the “them,” in order to protect themselves. As she disintegrates further, Veronica briefly embodies an unhealthy Three’s arrogance- taken in by JD’s sweeping promises in Our Love is God- “We can start and finish wars…” and enthusiastic to play judge and jury to Kurt and Ram- but critically, not executioner. The murder is a shock to her system, and ironically, allows her to see the flaws in their previous arrogance; “We’re not “special”, we’re not “different” // We don’t choose who lives or dies.”

Integration to 9:

“Listen up folks, // War is over.”

There isn’t much opportunity for Veronica to integrate, but Seventeen (Reprise) offers us a glimpse- while as a Six, Veronica can’t put her fears aside completely; “We're all damaged, we're all frightened // We're all freaks but that's alright,” this song has a far more optimistic tone from Veronica than anything else in the whole show; “We’ll endure it, we’ll survive it.” Like a healthy Nine, she shows a willingness to let go of unproductive conflicts (“We are done with acting evil // We will lay our weapons down”,) and relationships alike,  (“If no one loves me now // Someday somebody will.”) Enneagram institute describes Nines at their best as; “indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts,” and that’s a perfect description of what this song is all about; “Brand new sheriff’s come to town.”

Childhood Wound: They lost faith they would be protected.

““But the sky's gonna hurt when it falls, // So you better start building some walls…”

There’s an underlying pattern in Heathers, like in many teen dramas, of adults who are essentially untrustworthy- either helpless or unwilling to lend a hand to the kids they should be responsible for. This is arguably such a pervasive theme because it lends the teenagers more agency in the plot and gives their struggles more credibility, but in Heathers, this trope is in fact a depiction of a lack of empathy from adults who truly don’t take teenagers seriously, or are in fact outright abusive or neglectful.

In Beautiful, teachers objectify Veronica, or only recognise her once she is important enough to be seen with the Heathers. Outside of her, Kurt and Ram’s fathers’ are demonstrably abusive, and their sons perpetuate that cycle of abuse by taking it out on their schoolmates. They only repent only in My Dead Gay Son- too late. Ms Fleming is apathetic towards the students whose mental health she is supposed to prioritise from her first appearance- trying to impose a detention on Heather Duke even as she vomits from her eating disorder right in front of her. In Shine A Light, her advice to the students is facile, and her motivation is more about performing for the cameras than actually making a positive impact. Altogether, Veronica lives in a world where adults simply can’t be depended upon for help or sanctuary. Her verse in Dead Girl Walking (Reprise), directed at JD, encompasses all this;

“I wish your mom had been a little stronger

I wish she stayed around a little longer

I wish your dad were good!

I wish grown-ups understood!

I wish we’d met before

They convinced you life is war!”

From Yo Girl, we know the situation applies not just to Veronica’s schoolmates, but her, too. The intertwining of her parent’s empty reassurances; “Your problems seem like life and death! // I promise, they’re not!” with the chorus’ building, ominous reminder of the very real threat of JD drawing closer and closer, “Guess who’s climbing the stairs? // Guess who’s picking the lock?” shows that her parents aren’t equipped to protect her. Childhood wounds only have to be felt- a Six can perceive themselves as vulnerable when this isn’t the truth of the situation. It’s notable that despite the present danger, she simply answers, “You wouldn’t understand,” and works to protect herself (“Veronica’s trying to keep him out, now,”) and again, doesn’t ask anyone for help during Dead Girl Walking (Reprise). All of Veronica’s experiences have clearly built her into a Six who feels she has no-one left to trust.

w7:

“Let's be normal, see bad movies // Sneak a beer and watch tv,”

Veronica often deals with her issues by retreating, shutting her eyes to the unpleasant realities of what’s going on around her, with varying success; “Dream of ivy-covered walls and smoky French cafés // Fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze!” Her conflation of her own ideals of kindness and inner beauty with the physical beauty she achieves as a result of the Heathers’ makeover is arguably made easier by her Seven wing- “When you’re beautiful // It’s a beautiful frickin’ day!”- when she fakes Heather Chandler’s suicide note, she as much confesses this; “Believe it or not, I knew about fear ... I hid behind smiles and crazy hot clothes,” although she doesn’t admit this is partly confessional. This isn’t the only instance of Veronica’s unwillingness to confront unpleasant truths in favour of happier distractions- trying to undo what’s happened with JD with chilli fries and dancing seems another example, as does her behaviour in Dead Girl Walking, wherein she opts to distract herself from her anxieties not just by returning to her source of security, (“In here it’s beautiful,”) but with seeking baser pleasure to drown out any pain; “Make this whole town disappear!”

[mymelancholiesblues]

about the fandom things, I want to ask from different fandom :) 1. Harry Potter fandom 2. RE: Aeon Cannot think for number 3, so I guess that's all. Thanks

Harry Potter (books, not the film adaptations since I stopped enjoying those after the third one):

– Favorite character: Luna Lovegood. I read Philosopher’s Stone when I was like… 9, I guess? And CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP immediately after as I devoured those books as soon as I finished PS. So, when HBP was launched in 2005, and then DH in 2007, I was already one of the anxious fans waiting for the saga’s conclusion. I never revisited it, though – but as a child (and later, pre-teen) I always felt some sort of peer pressure from the fandom to love Hermione the most – and ok, I do adore her –, but when I think back to what I thought and felt when I was reading the books, the character that always made me excited for her appearances, lines and overall participation was Luna;

– Least Favorite character: Draco Malfoy. God, his type of character just annoys the livin’ fuck out of me. The spoiled mean brat and dirty coward who can easily serve as an allegory for the I-have-a-problem-with-drugs rich teen. As one TV Tropes editor put it, “an unrepentant Upper-Class Twit Dirty Coward school bully”. Hahahaha, I just… despise this character;

– 5 Favorite Ships (canon or non-canon): Hinny, Romione, Snily, Ronks and Marthur;

– Character I find most attractive: Harry! I think book!Harry’s personality kinda shaped my interests in men? Hahaha I have a huge weakness for the “Socially Awkward”, “Brilliant, but Lazy”, “Heart of Gold” and “Hot-Blooded” type. Actually, my boyfriend is exactly this type of guy lol;

– Character I would marry: Ginny, probably? But like, she and Harry are my bisexual dream;

– Character I would be best friends with: Hermione and Luna since they remind me a bit of my real life best friends (Natane and Isabela);

– A random thought: Rowling could’ve been more creative with the next generation’s names? That “let’s name all of our children after dead relatives and lost beloved ones” trend that she influenced in fandom is… bad;

– An unpopular opinion: I wish J. K. Rowling could just shut up already and let this franchise have its deserved rest. Also: movies 4 to 7 are bad, but The Cursed Child and FBAWTFT are like AWFUL and I wish they never had the chance to exist in the first place;

– My canon OTP: Hinny;

– My non-canon OTP: Sirius Black & Happiness;

– Most Badass Character: I’d say Hermione since she’s the one responsible for coming up with the solutions for most of the narrative conflicts, but I honestly think it’s a tie between her and Ginny (both of them are truly awesome);

– Most Epic Villain: Bellatrix Lestrange. Name a more iconic and plainly HATEFUL female villain in this saga, I’ll wait;

– Pairing I am not a fan of: Harmony or anything with Draco;

– Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): I don’t think Rowling did this to any of her main characters in the original saga? Maybe Lupin and Tonks deserved better, but oh well;

– Favourite Friendship: Fred and George Weasley;

– Character I most identify with: I don’t think there’s one in Harry Potter?? 

– Character I wish I could be: Nymphadora Tonks! I truly dug that Metamorphmagus shit.

Aeon

– When I started shipping them: In 2002, when I played RE2 for the first time in N64. I was eight years old, barely understood English, but something in the way Leon jumped in front of that bullet to save her just… struck me;

– My thoughts: I actually think A LOT about those two, so I have plenty to fill into that question, it’s better if you check my Aeon fandom tag to get a more comfortable and organized sneek peek in my thoughts for them.

– What makes me happy about them: The circularity in their relationship, their devotion towards one another (teaming up, saving each other’s asses), the fact that almost 15 years later they still CLEARLY love and pine for each other;

– What makes me sad about them: That they can’t be together in a conventional style? Like, settle down and stuff;

– Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Oh man, there surely is a lot. But most of those things are related to the distortions fandom is prone to make concerning Ada’s characterization. Like portraying her as if she’s some sort of psychopath or sociopath – incapable of empathy or completely lacking remorse, and that Leon just picked her interests for some alien kink reasoning??? Oftentimes Ada is perceived as a pure play of the Dragon Lady trope, not taking into consideration that her characterization throughout this franchise averted the stereotypes associated with that trope SEVERAL times – by the way, let’s be frank here, in most cases people don’t want Leon with Ada not because Leon and Claire would be healthier, but because Claire is white like him, so, automatically morally more worthy of him, and there you go, I spilt the tea. Ah, and that trend of infantilizing Leon, portraying him as some sort of pure-naïve-and-tame Manchild – god, this just kills me. This incapacity to understand that even though this character is good and nice and lovable, he’s also more complex than that and have agency in this fuckin’ narrative?

– Things I look for in fanfic: The author avoiding those things I hate that I just mentioned it’s good enough, but what really makes me go all !!!!! in fanfiction is when the author… detours? a bit of the usual “Leon and Ada can’t be together because of their jobs, circumstances, worldviews, blablabla” – like, I know that already man (and really I LOVE IT), but give me some fluffy and introspection now and then for a change, I don’t know. Show me their love only, without the drama, y'know? Some good examples of what I’m talking about are “sometimes i still feel the bruise” and “a fool for you”, both by by tenienteross (she’s great, go read everything she wrote for them ASAP);

– My wishlist: I don’t really have one because Capcom always delivers a very good job in portraying and further developing their relationship, hahahaha, I’m a very spoiled fan in that sense, BUT… I think one more on-screen kiss? Maybe?;

– Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: No one. And that goes for both. These two couldn’t get over each other for the past FIFTEEN YEARS or so and then suddenly Leon ends up married with kids with someone else? This sounds dumb and I hate it, so no thanks. If Capcom wanted to convince me that Leon could settle with someone else, they should’ve done this when Leon wasn’t getting to his early 40s.

– My happily ever after for them: A situation that mirrors RE2 in the sense that they have to survive a similar outbreak, one more nightmare, and they partner up for it – but now it’s so different from all those years ago, they’re much more comfortable around each other, their bantering and flirting sounds a lot more like that of a married couple, they’re older and more experienced and mature and in the end, when they’re about to have to choose each other again and then part ways because they know that’s what it has to happen (because they can and they do always choose one another, but staying together is more than what they bargained for), Leon asks for her to stay. Out loud. She replies to this by smiling lightly and saying that she thinks she’s done contributing to her job and think it’s time to be closed for business. We see Leon smiling, peacefully, as the scene fades to white.

[linkspooky]

I Don’t Understand You

So this chapter ends with the starts of two more fights. As I said to begin with, considering the clowns are only playing a game to buy time they’re at an inherent advantage because they’re more self aware than the flimsy CCG vs Ghoul alliance who are all repressing their issues in order to work together, and really have no figured out any solid motivation besides “stop the bad guys.”

For a quick example the confrontation with Kaiko brought up a lot of relevant questions. Is it fair that half humans have to live half lifespans with no chance of extending it, or should something risky like ghoulifying Yusa be done to help extend his own lifespan? How exactly is the harsh way Kaiko trained Arima any different from the way Arima trained the likes of Kaneki, Take and Yusa? What exactly did Arima sacrifice himself for if he could have extended his life a few months later, and what is his legacy now? Is Yusa only defined by Arima’s legacy?

And Yusa received the answer to a whole none of those questions. He’s just urged to keep fighting and keep surviving, because that is literally all the main characters are capable of envisioning at this point. 

So, that being said there’s no way the two current fights can turn out in anything better than a draw, because the two characters choosing to confront the clowns are those that understand them the least. 

Despite the fact that Amon was ghoulified literally so he could understand that 1) not all ghouls are Donato and 2) that a ghoul as wretched who ate as much as Donato could eat human meat but somehow love him at the same time because ghouls have human minds and emotions, Amon has not mentioned Donato once or even the comparison to Donato for 168 chapters of :Re. 

If you look back to the rooftop conversation with Amon and Donato, while neither of them changed their views, the conversation did a good job of illuminating the fact that both of them held self-righteous and flimsy beliefs. Kaneki said he didn’t care about the vast majority of people and only did this for his friends, and Amon said he did not care about ghouls and does not think the beliefs he held at the time of being an investigator was wrong. 

The point is that Kaneki was called out by the plot for holding such a false and self righteous belief. He was picked apart line by line in order to point out that yes, he actually does have to care about things besides the people who are directly around him because his actions have greater reaching consequences than that.

In Kaneki’s case the beliefs he held on his rooftop conversation with Amon turned out to be a bad thing. So it should stand to reason that Amon should face a similar consequence for his willful ignorance. 

Amon and Kaneki are continually put on pedestals and held up as heroes, when in reality both of them are just traumatized children trying to survive. The problem is in their coping they’ve killed a lot of people, Amon killed many in his time as a human, and then once he became a ghoul he turned into some kind of cannibal according to Urie’s observation. 

Both of them see ghoul life as expendable, and for Amon the root issue with this cause has always been Donato, which will be the perfect instance to challenge his hypocrisy on this part. 

Amon has to lose to Donato, I don’t think there’s a single Amon fan who actally wants him to win. Donato represents the ghoul part of Amon, and his demonization of ghouls which he has not at all come to terms with. Amon in this chapter even acts the same as ever.

He comes dramatically blazing in swinging his quinque (he’s still using a quinque even though he’s a half ghoul). He even attacks almost the same way he did on his reintroduction in Rueshima, with the exception of this time Donato sees him coming ahead of time and blocks him easily. 

Amon’s hero act should fail him at this point. 

Pretty much everything Amon has said in the build up to this fight is that he doesn’t actually want to understand ghouls. He doesn’t want to understand his existence of a ghoul. All he wants is to return to the time where he could easily fight at the CCG without questioning himself. 

Him and Akira are both offered illusory returns to the CCG when they were finally beginning to break away and form their own identities, the same way Kaneki was offered an illusory return to his home of Anteiku. Except Kaneki’s illusion was only enertained for so long, it burned apart right in front of his eyes and logically the same should follow for the two of them. 

There’s two things that Donato could say that could easily tear apart Amon’s resolve right here. 

1)  The Person Amon is fighting for right now, Kaneki the symbol of their alliance is somebody who ate children just as Donato did. Not only that the first child he ate was Hajime Hazuki, the child Amon was inspired to save all those years ago.

2) The person Amon holds so close to his heart, Mado Kureo is really just a parallel of Donato that the CCG told Amon it was acceptable for him to like. Kureo was a sadist, who among other things targeted and enjoyed the pain of a child and Amon stood by his side and watched, feeling himself justified because the child he was targeting was a ghoul child rather than an innocent human. 

Most importantly that Donato and Amon do love each other. As this is fundamentally unresolved about Amon there’s really no way he’s going to come to grips with it in the middle of a fight.

Finally, Renji and Yomo. This is going to be short but basically, Yomo’s words right here are the epitome of everything wrong with the Goat/Human alliance right now. 

“I’ve never really understood you, and I still don’t, but I’m still going to stop you.”

How exactly Renji, are you going to beat an enemy you don’t understand? That is the question, and Renji has delayed this confrontation with Uta as long as Donato has himself with Amon. 

The thing is Yomo has known about Uta’s relation with the clowns since the beginning. He just deliberately chose never to confront him about it. Renji doesn’t understand Uta, because Renji himself never really tried to understand Uta. 

Uta even tells him to his face, that really the only thing he defines his life by is his own loss. As long as he continues to do that, he’ll only lose others or himself, and Yomo doesn’t come up with a satisfactory answer besides. 

“Watch me Uta, I’m going to sacrifice my life for Touka even harder now.”

Yomo and Uta are really the embodiment of the tattoo around Uta’s neck. It’s even embodied in their old rivalry. 

Every single time they got close, they would both pull back because they were too afraid of dying. Their relationship is the same, they could be friends but both of them are too afraid of pulling close. To this day Yomo only barely admits that Uta is a friend, and keeps him as distant as possible. Uta at the same time makes no attempts to get closer because he prefers staying on the edges. 

Yet neither of them can be entirely divorced from one another either. The two of them both continue to associate with one another, Uta even went so far as to save his life even though they’re now on opposite sides of a conflict. 

I can live neither with you, nor without you. Neither of them can bring themselves to kill the other, but they also don’t want to get close enough to understand each other, because Yomo defines himself entirely by his loss, and the few small family members he has left and Uta defines himself entirely as a reprobate sitting on the outside of things. 

In order to actually get close the both of them would have to broaden their horizons, which both are too cowardly to do. 

Which is why Yomo really can’t win in this situation either. In a manga about understanding and empathy and unerstanding, you can’t defeat an enemy you don’t understand at all, and also have refused to even try to understand up until that point.