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imaginejamesandsirius · 2 years ago

Note

Helloo, big fan of your work! Can you do one where James comes back from the veil and starts believing Sirius doesn't want him anymore because of the age difference, (maybe even mistakenly believes he is with moony now) but Sirius explains how he didn't have much time to change because of azkaban and is still in love with James. Super angsty with a fluffy ending. Thank youuuu

((A/N: Warning for depressive thoughts from James. Mentions of Sirius/Remus, but none takes place))

When James first comes back to life (tumbling out of the Veil in a weird mix of magic and luck that still has the Unspeakables scratching their heads), he's happy with everything.

Happy that everyone who's alive is alive, happy that Sirius hugs him just the same, happy that he gets to know Harry and his mates, happy to be alive. Overall, he's so buggering happy that he doesn't come down from the high of being alive for a week.

After that week though... that's when he started to notice things, and the reality of his situation settled in.

Sirius was different. He was decidedly still his best mate because nothing would ever change that, but that didn't mean everything was the same. They'd been dating when James died. They'd been absolutely head over heels in love with each other. The sort of love where everything they did, they wanted to do together. Any time they spent apart was time wasted. It was the sort of love that made them create the two-way mirrors to talk to each other. Granted that's sort of how their friendship had been too, but when they added romance into the mix, it felt different.

James still felt that way.

Sirius, well, he'd moved on.

James had been dead, but Sirius had been alive. Even with him being in Azkaban, he'd had time to move past their relationship. He'd had time to grow up and want something different from what he'd had as a teenager. As much as it hurt James to think about, he'd had time to fall in love with someone else.

And he had.

James watched. He spent all his time these days staring at Sirius, so it was easy to notice how he lit up when Moony entered the room. He took note of every single time Sirius asked him to stay a little bit longer, and how crushed he was when Moony had to leave. Every once in a while, with a guilty glance out of the corner of his eye at James, Sirius would ask to speak to Remus alone for a minute. It never took Sirius long to return in those instances, like he was afraid James would burst in and ask what they were doing; he didn't, but it wasn't for lack of desire.

The thing was, James couldn't imagine a world where he wasn't utterly in love with Sirius. It used to be like that for both of them. However powerful James's feelings were, Sirius had been able to match him, beat for beat, pace for pace.

And now...

Now it felt like missing half of his foot. Like most of the time he wouldn't notice it because everything seemed normal, but the time where he did notice that he was missing something, it threw him completely off balance. He'd go to kiss Sirius and realise that he wasn't allowed to do that anymore. Sometimes they'd be talking like nothing had happened, like James wasn't the only twenty year old around. They'd be laughing and joking, and James would look at him, only to pull up short when he saw his face. Sirius was older than him, and he looked it.

It's not that Sirius was unattractive for his extra years.

Quite the opposite, in fact. It should've been impossible to become even more handsome than he'd been. It should've been impossible because of Azkaban and the damage it did to him. It also should've been impossible because he was by far the most attractive person on the planet when James had died, so there should've been no improving on perfection.

But somehow, Sirius had managed it. He got better with every passing year.

Years that James hadn't been around for.

Years that they could never get back.

No amount of crying would let James turn back the clock and cling to Sirius and beg him to wait for him because he would ensure that the wait was worth it. It was too late to try and ask for it now, but that didn't mean James didn't think of it. Because he did. Often.

As he curled into bed, alone, he would hug his knees and imagine what it would be like if he tried it now. If he burst into his room and kissed him breathless. Would it work? Would Sirius kiss him back? Or would he have to ease away with a gentle hand on James's chest as he turned him down?

At the start, his daydreams ended in his favour. Sirius would pull him closer and ask him to stay forever.

It didn't take very long for the daydreams to turn into nightmares. Sometimes they were realistic, and Sirius would try to let him down as gently as he could, but of course James still ended those crying because losing him was a wound that didn't heal.

The more time went on though, the more he imagined Sirius being disgusted by him. He could picture the way he'd pull away and look at James like he didn't know him. "What the hell are you thinking?" he would ask, wiping off his mouth with the back of one hand like he couldn't bear any lingering touch of him. "You're practically a kid, and I'm not one anymore. Look at someone your own age, for Merlin's sake." And even though it was his room that James had barged in on, he'd get up and leave, because he couldn't stand to be around him anymore.

James knew that would never happen. No matter what else they were to each other, they were always mates. Sirius had never been disgusted by him, and he never would be, but their friendship now wasn't as solid as it had been when he died. There had been times where James could swear they were reading each other's minds, and while they were certainly close now, it was nowhere close to what they used to have.

He sighed as he stared blankly at the ceiling. Sirius's innocence was pending, but for now, he was still stuck at Grimmauld Place. Sirius had offered him his brother's old room since it was the nicest one. It was alright as far as consolation prizes went, but he would've given anything to be in bed with Sirius, curled into his heat instead of being glared at by all the green.

His mind went round and round over this, and he never felt better. It he accomplished anything, it was to feel worse because he'd more thoroughly proven to himself that he didn't stand a chance at rebuilding their life together.

When Sirius got out of here, he was probably going to find a place with Moony. Somewhere good, like what Remus had never had before because he couldn't afford it. Somewhere homey and worn in, because that had always been what Sirius liked.

And James wouldn't be invited along. He'd have to find somewhere of his own to live. And what a depressing, lonely life that would be.

He didn't want to be anywhere Sirius wasn't, but he couldn't latch onto his arm and demand that he hold onto the past instead of continuing to move forward.

He should get out of bed. He knew he should.

He just had trouble convincing himself it would be worth it.

If he got out of bed now, he'd be able to eat.

But if he stayed in bed for long enough, Sirius would come to check on him. He'd sit down on the bed, maybe put a hand on James's shoulder and let the warmth from his palm seep through the fabric of his sleep clothes.

...and he really didn't feel like getting out of bed.

He rubbed a hand over his face and rolled onto his side, back to the door.

Not to sound melodramatic, but he didn't see what point there was to getting up. He didn't do anything these days. He just smiled at Sirius as his heart screamed out in pain and did nothing all day because Harry was back at Hogwarts. Sirius would hand him books from the Black library and suggest games even though it was obvious he had no interest in playing.

It was a waste of time. Every day, all he did was waste time. What was the point? He might as well just lay in bed for as long as he wanted. It's not as if he had a schedule to keep to or a baby that needed him. Harry was happy to have him around, but James was far too young to try and be a father to him. There was a measly six year age difference between them, not near enough for James to try and parent Harry, no matter how much he wanted to, at various times over the summer.

He was comfortable in this bed-- in spite of all the green-- so he might as well stay right where he was. Sirius didn't need him either. Like with Harry, Sirius was happy to have him around, but he was more a figment of the past than he was an active part of the present.

They wouldn't have been happier if he stayed gone; he wasn't so far removed as to believe that. But it sucked. He was living between the two times, suspended and trapped because he couldn't commit to either. He tried to adapt to what life had given him, but-

For fuck's sake, he couldn't walk down the street holding Sirius's hand, and that's all he'd really wanted from his future.

If he had to isolate his dreams for the future into one, single thing, it would've been that.

And he didn't have it.

Couldn't have it.

He couldn't have it because Sirius's freedom hadn't been pushed through yet, and even when it did, he was in love with someone else. James was just... extra. He'd never thought he would be 'extra' when it came to Sirius, but that's what he was.

He pulled the pillow out from under his head and shoved it on top of the other side, blacking out his vision. This side of the pillow on his face was cool, and it gave him something else to think about. He liked that. Getting to think about something else for a minute, that is. It was nice. It was a break from the monotony going on in his mind.

Sirius did eventually come in to find James, but he couldn't say how long it had been. He fell into that hazy space where he was neither fully awake nor fully asleep. It could've been twenty minutes, or it could've been four hours; James had no idea, and he didn't particularly care which it was. At least he didn't feel tired, but there was no telling how long that feeling would last once he got out of bed and dressed for the day.

Sirius opened the door, his footsteps light like he didn't want to wake James if he was asleep. "Jamie? You awake?"

And that was another thing: Jamie. Sirius was the only one who was allowed to call him that. His parents had done it when he was a kid, but by the time he made it to Hogwarts, he felt that he was too old for it. It was a kid nickname, he'd told them. But then fourth year had come around, and Sirius had kissed him and called him Jamie, and he decided that it wasn't a kid's nickname if it was coming out of Sirius's mouth.

James made a vague noise to try and communicate that he was awake, but he must not have been clear enough, because Sirius padded closer.

"Are you sick?"

"'m fine," he mumbled. He pushed himself up slowly, wincing a little at the ache in his back. Apparently, he had stayed in bed too long. It hadn't felt like it when he was still laying down, but now he couldn't help but grimace.

Sirius wasn't willing to take his word for it though, and he put the back of his hand against James's forehead. "It doesn't feel like you're running a fever."

"I just wanted to sleep in. I'm not sick," James insisted.

Sirius ignored that too and moved his hand to James's cheek. His touch was light, but James could feel the knuckles of each finger pressed into his skin.

He felt like a child.

Like Sirius was responsible for him, so he was checking in like a guardian would.

The thought made James's heart drop, not that he was surprised by it. He knew that Sirius couldn't still think of him like an equal. He'd been alive for over ten years longer than James; of course he would grow past him.

"You sure you're okay?" Sirius asked. He took his hand away, and James tried not to snatch it back. He sat down on the bed, next to James's knees. He put a hand out, over James's legs, and leaned into it. It should've been close and intimate, but all James could think was that it didn't mean what he wanted it to.

"I'm fine," James said, even as his eyes traced the length of Sirius's arm. Every bone, every muscle, every hair. He wanted to re-memorise it so he could trace it in his sleep like he used to be able to.

"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to," he said, which was so wrong coming out of his mouth, "but I wish you'd talk to someone. If you miss Harry-"

"That's not it," James cut in. He did miss Harry, but his kid was little more than a concept and a stranger rolled into one. He loved him, there was no doubt that he loved him, but it wasn't the sort of love that he could miss after so little time apart, especially when he knew that Harry would contact him if there was something wrong-- or even if he wanted to talk. "I mean, I'm fine, but if there was something bothering me, that wouldn't be it." He barely stopped himself from cringing, because that was such an unbelievable lie, there was no way that Sirius would buy it. To try and prevent any further discussion about a topic he couldn't get into with Sirius, he extricated himself from the bed and headed to the wardrobe. "I'll meet you downstairs in a few, yeah?"

"...Yeah."

James didn't trust that pause before Sirius agreed, but there was nothing he could do about it.

He felt like that a lot these days: that there was nothing he could do. He used to not believe in it, not really. There was always something that could be done, and him and Sirius had found great joy in finding the best course and jumping into it headfirst. But this... this wasn't something he could fix. What little there was to be done had already been started, and it couldn't be rushed.

What happened to his zeal for life?

He remembered a second later: it died when his relationship with Sirius did.

Lily had said it wasn't healthy how obsessed he was with Sirius, but what did she know? She pretended to be married to him while pining after someone that didn't seem to know she existed. She also had that whole denial thing going on with her parents, and a sister who she constantly kept in contact with even though she hated her. She hadn't been a pillar of healthy relationships herself.

Sirius wasn't making this easy on him.

Every time he turned around, there was Sirius with a happy smile and an arm over his shoulders. He kept asking if James wanted to help him cook, which was a trap, because like hell was James going to turn him down, and then it turned out that the recipes Sirius kept choosing were long and/or complicated, so they'd been spending a couple hours together before it was time to eat.

And yes, that is generally what James liked, and he'd be lying if it didn't help his disposition somewhat, but there was no getting past the sticking point: Sirius wasn't in love with him anymore. Not only was Sirius not in love with him anymore, but he was dating someone else! A someone that was kind, and a friend, and deserved good things, and did not need for James to try and steal that one, shining good thing out from under him. Not that James was convinced he could steal Sirius away from Moony, but... well, he thought he could make a decent go of it if he really tried. He knew how to push all of Sirius's buttons, how to rile him up, and how to make himself look irresistible.

If Sirius had any lingering feelings, James was sure he could bring them to the surface.

But he couldn't do that. Sirius and Remus were happy together, even if Moony was busy most days and couldn't visit, and if James got in the middle of that, he'd never forgive himself. It was like the end of their seventh year, he mused. He had thought that Sirius was interested in some bloke from Ravenclaw, and while James had been mad with jealousy, he hadn't actually gotten in the way or tried to stop it, because if that's what Sirius wanted, then by Merlin, Sirius would get to have it. That had been a misunderstanding of course. Sirius had only wanted to know more about the muggle punk scene, and that was the only other student in Hogwarts he could talk to about it.

James wished there was a similar misunderstanding here, but he knew he couldn't hold out hope. There was no mistaking the way Sirius perked up every time Moony visited. The guilty looks towards James when they wanted time alone together was another good indicator. Time and again, James turned those memories over in his head, looking for a flaw in his logic or a way he might've misconstrued a friendly gesture for something more, but he came to the same conclusion every time. They were a couple, and there was nothing James could do about it-- or at least nothing he was willing to do, which basically meant that he couldn't do it. It might as well be physically impossible for all the good it would do him.

Sirius wanted them to be mates, and more than that, he wanted them to be close like they'd been before, so James tried to push down his treacherous thoughts and focus on what was in front of him. The only thing worse than losing Sirius as a romantic partner was if he lost him as a friend.

James used to be pretty confident. Actually, that was an understatement. He'd been completely confident. Arrogant, even, because he was fit, smart, funny, and he'd had the partner of his dreams (even if they couldn't be open about their relationship). He'd been a bloody catch and he wasn't in denial about it.

But now when he looked in the mirror, all he could see were flaws. Rather, the things about him that used to be good were no longer good enough. Sure he was fit for his age, but he looked so Merlin's-cursed young. There was no way Sirius would be interested. He was funny, but his sense of humour hadn't had a chance to grow or change at all. The best he could offer Sirius was nostalgia, and nostalgia did not a steady relationship make. It didn't matter if he was smart anymore, because Sirius had been learning so much while James was dead. He was sure he could catch up if he tried, but there was no replacing life experience-- and of that, Sirius definitely had more than him. And did it matter how good James was at thinking on his feet when neither of them were leaving the house? Even if it did make a difference, that one mark in his favour wouldn't be enough to outweigh all the bad.

Maybe James was still a catch, but he was a catch for someone that was twenty. Not someone who was in their thirties, not someone who had grown and changed while he wasn't around.

To put it mildly, it sucked.

Him and Sirius used to be perfect for each other. They were evenly matched. They were basically one person that had been split into two bodies. James used to think to himself that he wasn't himself if he wasn't with Sirius.

He still thought that, it just meant that he didn't feel like himself these days.

Sirius had long since noticed that something was wrong, but so far, he hadn't pushed. He asked when he was particularly worried, but he hadn't cornered James and demanded answers.

James was trying his best to be okay with, well, everything, but he didn't know how much longer he'd be able to keep up even that thin veneer that he was fine. It hung by a thread most days, and it was only the lack of visitors that kept him from breaking.

But it wouldn't last forever.

Something was going to give, and every bad thought he'd had would come spilling out when that happened.

He just hoped that Harry wouldn't be around to hear it. There was no avoiding Sirius hearing it, but he could probably break down where his son wouldn't see it, if he tried.

Sirius was declared free, and the first thing they did was get the hell out of Grimmauld Place. They didn't talk about it first. The Prophet came in, and the main headline was declaring the Azkaban escapee innocent of all charges. They hovered over the article together, eyes frantically scanning the body of text to make sure it wasn't misleading with its title, and then they looked at each other. It was only for a second, but it was enough for them to realise they were in agreement.

They raced to the front door, wrenched it open, and took a few steps out onto the front stoop. It was the first time Sirius had been able to do it without someone haranguing him about taking unnecessary risks or living with the fear of being Kissed by a dementor. They didn't even have their shoes on.

"Let's go somewhere," Sirius said, turning to him with a grin. The steps felt grimy and dirty on the soles of his feet, but it didn't matter.

"Where?"

"I don't care. Anywhere. We can figure it out while we walk," he said, brushing by James to get back in the house. As soon as he got his handful of belongings and Buckbeak out of here, he wasn't going to ever come back. The Order could keep having their meetings in there if they wanted, but like hell was he going to attend.

It was a bit of a scrambling mess as they tried to remember where shoes and jackets were-- and wands, Merlin, when was the last time they'd needed to keep a close eye on their wands?-- but it wasn't long before they were tumbling back onto the street, laughing as they put distance between them and Grimmauld Place.

Sirius slid a hand into James's like they'd been doing this the whole time. He tugged James down one street, turned a corner, then grinned, bright and happy and looking more like himself with every passing minute. "Remember the muggle diner that used to be right there?" he asked, pointing to a now-empty storefront a few buildings away from them. "I had to sneak out of my window to meet you there."

"What I remember is that time we were snogging outside and that group of blokes saw us and got a stick in their arse about it."

Sirius snickered. "We had to obliviate them to get away."

"And I thought the Ministry would catch our underage magic and you'd get in trouble for sneaking out," James recalled, outright laughing now.

"You were more scared of my parents than the Ministry," he said, looking over at James the way he always used to: like he loved him. Like he was content simply because James insisted.

If James were a better man, he would've looked away or changed the subject, or hell, just asked if he wanted to visit Moony now that he could. He didn't do any of those things. Instead, he smiled softly at Sirius and knew the love he felt for him was plain on his face. After weeks and weeks of trying to hide it (and probably failing to hide it), it was a relief to be able to act like nothing had changed for them. "It never mattered though. We weren't caught."

"We weren't caught when we snuck into the Ministry, either," Sirius said, eyes sparkling.

"We were hardly ever caught for the shite we did."

"Don't tell McGonagall that, she might give us retroactive detentions."

"She could try," James said with a smirk.

Sirius laughed, loud and uninhibited, just like his old self. James hadn't realised how subdued he'd been in Grimmauld Place until now, when he finally was free. Unburdened. There were many things to worry about in their lives, but they weren't weighing him down. He was beautiful.

They kept walking, pointing at the various places they'd met up when Sirius wasn't allowed to visit the Potter's house. There were more locations than James thought there would be, but after Sirius moved in with him, they'd pretty much tried to forget everything to do with Grimmauld Place. Including the diner where they'd grab a late bite, the coffee shop they'd mixed with their first tastes of liquor, the alley most covered from prying eyes where they'd snog, the clothing store where Sirius had first spotted a leather jacket and fallen in love. On and on the list went, tidbits of memories from their teenage years that they'd forgotten about.

"Let's go home," James said, when he tired of the way passerby's glared at them for holding hands.

Sirius nodded, a warm cast over his features. James didn't have to specify, and Sirius didn't have to ask for clarification. He knew that when he said 'home', he didn't mean where they'd been staying for the past few months. Home meant home, where they lived together for as long as they could after Hogwarts before James had to go in hiding.

He squeezed Sirius's hand tightly and side-alonged him onto the front stoop. A quick wave of his wand unlocked the door, and in they went. Everything was covered in dust, a sad sign of its disuse, but he felt better already.

"Mm, I don't need any help remembering what happened here," Sirius said. He hugged James from behind, pressing them close together. He turned his head and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

His heart beat double time from the contact. He didn't want to bring it up, but it was finally time that one of them mentioned it-- and mentioned it before he lost all sense of morals and kissed Sirius for all he was worth. "What about Moony?"

"What about Moony?" Sirius asked, utterly confused.

"Aren't the two of you dating?"

"No," he said immediately. "Why would you think that? Did someone tell you we were? For fuck's sake, if it was Molly again, I'm gonna-"

"Nobody said anything," James cut in, feeling foolish. He'd been so sure that they were together. He thought that he had irrefutable evidence. There had been no doubt in his mind that Sirius was no longer interested in him, but this morning proved just how wrong he'd been. "Merlin, I just- it seemed so obvious, I assumed. You acted like..."

"Like I loved him?"

James gave a small nod.

"No," Sirius said softly. "Just you. It's always been you."

"But you've changed so much, and I'm exactly the same as I was fifteen years ago."

Sirius let go of him then and stepped into view, an incredulous look on his face. "Changed? Jamie, I haven't- I was in Azkaban for twelve years. When I escaped, I was exactly the same. I've been in limbo since then. I've barely talked to anyone, barely changed at all. I'm still the same insecure idiot that fell in love with you when I was thirteen."

"You're not an idiot," James said immediately.

All his defense did was make Sirius smile, because of course that's the part he would address first.

"So you... we're still us?" The hope in every inch of his body and writ across his face was plain.

"Without a doubt."

James threw himself at Sirius and finally felt like the world wasn't hopeless.

#bambibelle #prongsfoot #james potter #sirius black #fanfic #second war #james lives #resurrected james #getting together #siriuslystarbucks

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ellecdc · 1 month ago

Text

The Bolter

Sirius Black x fem!reader who meet again [5.5k words]

prompt: poly!wolfstar or just Sirius x reader in which they were friends with benefits but it was obvious they loved each other even though they acted like they weren’t. Then, reader finds out shes pregnant and before telling them, they do something stupid. so reader runs away for a few months. When she comes back (only bc she had to for some reason) shes like 6-7 months pregnant

CW: secret pregnancy, angst, FWB to strangers to lovers, second chance fic, post war trauma, both Sirius and reader are meeesssssssssssyyyyy in this! I don't approve of what they've done but I understand it

“So…she’s coming back?” Sirius asked cautiously, focusing more on the condensation pooling on the coaster underneath his pint than the concerned gazes of his two best friends.

“Well, I don’t know if she’s coming back, but she’ll be here for Harry’s birthday.” James mollified, sharing a nervous look with Remus.

“Right.” Sirius murmured around a swallow; throat tight and dry though neither the pint nor the pitcher of water in front of him looked as though they’d be able to help him with the matter.

“Are you going to be alright?” Remus queried, and Sirius offered him the most arrogant scoff he could muster; he missed by a long shot.

“Of course I’m going to be alright.” He huffed. “Why? Can’t two friends see each other after five and a half months of silence?”

“Sirius-” James started, but Sirius carried on.

“She’s the only one who’s been silent, you know?” Though he knew that they did indeed both know. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried reaching out.”

“Pads.” Remus offered consolingly, looking frustratingly like he was going to reach a hand out to Sirius as if he were some over tired toddler on the brink of a meltdown.

“Stop, no I- I’m fine, honest.” He insisted as he took a steadying breath. “I- you… talked to her, then?”

James and Remus shared another look before James allowed the segue.

“Mostly by owl, but she has spoken on the phone with Lily a few times.”

Sirius nodded as he considered this; considered the number of owls Sirius had sent that had gone unanswered - perhaps even unopened if the silence meant anything at all.

“She’s…okay?”

Remus let out a sigh as he shot Sirius a tight smile that looked more like a grimace. “She’s…vague.”

“She doesn’t share a whole lot.” James agreed. “Says she’s fine, things are good. Mostly asks about…all of us, Harry.”

“She’s still staying with that great aunt,” Remus added, “helping her with the property.”

“She seeing anyone?” There was no point in pretending that wasn’t the most pressing matter in Sirius’ mind; of course it was. And as angry and bitter as the idea made Sirius, it would have been his own fault, his own doing. He had no one to blame but himself.

And he’d have to live the rest of his life knowing he was the one who let you slip away - pushed you away - right into the arms of someone else.

“Not that she’s mentioned.” Remus responded honestly; he couldn’t say for sure that you weren’t, but if you were, you clearly hadn’t said anything about it.

“Right.” Sirius offered shortly.

“Pads, I…we would understand if it's too hard for you to see her. If you can’t come-”

“Don’t be daft.” Sirius scoffed deploringly. “I’m not going to miss my godson’s birthday. If anyone should be missing it, it should be her; I’ve been here for the past four and a half months, she’s the one who fucked off for good.”

“Sirius-”

“I don’t understand why you had to invite her!” Sirius shouted then, startling even himself when he realised how breathless he sounded all of a sudden.

James smiled at him sadly; Sirius wished he’d stop doing that. “We wanted all of Harry’s uncles and his aunt to be there, Sirius…it’s important, yeah? We…we almost didn’t get this chance.”

Sirius could feel a wicked migraine coming on; between talking about you, the close calls and the fact that the group of you were all alive following the war by nothing but chance, and the fact that the person Sirius was most angry with was himself, he downed the rest of his pint and flagged the server in favour of having to look at the pitiful gazes being shot at him by Remus and James.

Sirius couldn’t tell if he was eager for Harry’s second birthday or dreading it. But like it or not, Sirius was going to be seeing you again.

It had felt like a good idea at the time.

It felt beyond foolish now, but it had felt like a good idea at the time.

*ೃ༄.ೃ࿐

“Sirius, we just won. We just won, why do you have to leave now?” You practically begged as you followed Sirius through his flat.

“Because if I don’t get out now, I’m going to be stuck here for eternity.” He all but spat at you as he shoved articles of clothing into his duffle rather haphazardly. You felt like grabbing the bag from him and folding them properly if the act wouldn’t leave you feeling like you were aiding and abetting his abandoning you.

“But what about James? And Remus? What about Harry? You fought this war for them, and they for you - we just got them back!”

“And they’ll be here when I’m ready to come home!” Sirius shouted; turning to look at you with wild, red rimmed eyes.

“What about me?” You asked quietly, hating how small you sounded.

“What about you?” He asked; face falling painfully neutral. If you didn’t know better, you would have thought he was occluding.

“I…I don’t know.” You started awkwardly, shrugging one shoulder. “I thought…maybe we’d have a chance now. To try?.”

“Y/N.” Sirius sighed as he rubbed harshly at his eyes; entire being oozed exhaustion at having to have this conversation with you. “Have I not been entirely clear about what this was between us?”

“Right.” You agreed quickly, biting roughly on your lip and looking anywhere but at him as he let his hand fall away from his face.

“It’s…it’s not you, doll-” but even your humourless scoff didn’t derail him “I’m not the kind to settle down and be content I- I wouldn’t be enough for you.”

“I’m not asking you for any more than what we have, Sirius-”

“Yes you are.”

“-I just want you to stay.”

“That’s too much for me.” He stated; his voice never raised though he may as well have screamed it at you. “I cannot sit here and play house, I cannot be that guy for you.”

“Cannot or will not?” You asked quietly, regretting the question the second it came out of your mouth and he looked at you with nothing but pity in his eyes.

“Y/N…”

“I’m sorry I asked.” You let out with a chuckle as you harshly wiped tears from under your eyes.

“It’s…it’s not forever, yeah? I just…I can’t see myself being happy here…not right now, at least; not for a while.”

“Where will you go?” Your voice grated painfully as it came out, but you tried to keep an air of nonchalance about you. You wouldn’t look at him, but you could see his shoulders shrug helplessly.

“I don’t know…everywhere. Anywhere.”

Anywhere was better than stuck here with you, apparently.

“I hope it’s nice, wherever it is.” You offered, and you found that you meant it. As much as it hurt to say, you really, really meant it. Sirius had been fighting and running his entire life, and he finally won. If he wanted to celebrate his victory by taking off to be that rich, vague uncle who popped by with lavish gifts every so often, who were you to deny him?

You loved him.

You were in love with him.

You loved him enough to let him go.

*ೃ༄.ೃ࿐

He had sent James a postcard a few weeks later. Turns out he started in the South of France; his family had a home there that had been left untouched by the war, and Sirius was going to start by figuring out what to do with the property.

And you? Well, you found out you were pregnant.

You suppose it was a small mercy that Sirius wasn’t here to know; you’re sure it would have hurt more hearing him tell you he was leaving if there were two of you he couldn’t find it in him to love. You would have hated it even more if he felt trapped into staying with you just for this.

But all this meant was that you couldn’t stay, either.

You supposed that was alright, though; the life you wanted to build here was with Sirius. You loved your friends, but you had a little one to think about now, too.

You made up a story about a great aunt needing help tending to her property and wishing to be closer to your relatives now that you could be, now that it was safe. No one questioned it, likely because Remus had done the same following the war; moving back home to help his dad and ailing mother tend the property in whatever ways he could.

You found yourself a little cottage, you wrote to the boys and had the occasional phone call with Lily, and you grew.

It had felt like a good idea at the time.

But now you were almost six months pregnant and returning home for the first time since you moved to celebrate your nephew’s birthday with all of your closest friends, the love of your life whose child you were carrying, and none of them knew.

You wondered if you should even go, but the thought of missing out on sweet Harry’s second birthday that the lot of you almost never got the chance to see made your throat constrict with tears you refused to shed since the war.

You wondered if you should tell everyone before you arrived, but the thought of them all discussing you and your pregnancy without you being there left you feeling small and ashamed.

You wondered if you should tell Sirius, but you looked over at the stack of unopened letters he had sent to you in the past four months - the first thin, perhaps a postcard, the second and third were thicker, the fourth was by far the thickest (like he had drafted an autobiography that he wanted you to proofread for him), the fifth was similar to the second, whilst the sixth (the last) couldn’t be more than one page - and wondered how the hell you’d even start that conversation after all this time.

Hey, remember me? Yeah, the bird who caught feelings during our friends with benefits situation that we both agreed would remain platonic amidst a battle for survival and then begged you to stay with no success? Well, whilst you’ve been off probably shagging every beautiful woman across the British Isles, I’ve been pregnant. Right, with your child. How was France, by the way?

You swallowed around your gag reflex and groaned at your image in the mirror. You put on a pair of gingham pants with the baggiest band-tee you could find, planned on sucking in the best you could if anyone (when everyone) insisted on a hug and hoped to every deity that they all just assumed you’d been eating really well since the end of the war.

You smoothed the fabric over your bump one last time before you left - looking at the proof that, if nothing else, you were protecting more than just yourself, and you let that be enough - before you grabbed Harry’s birthday present and called for Potter Manor, throwing a fistfull of floo powder into your fireplace and travelling by way of the flames.

You could hear Harry squealing in delight in one of the adjacent rooms as you stepped into the floo reception room at Potter Manor; a smile taking over your face uninhibitedly at the sounds of the people you loved more than life itself, happy and celebrating.

How could you have gone so long without this?

“Y/N!” Lily shrieked as she made for you, and you sucked in before returning her hug. “Merlin, you're glowing! Where’s your aunt's place again?”

“Erm. Killarney.” You offered; not entirely untrue - you did have an aunt in Killarney.

“Well,” she let out with a breath, eyes turning a touch glassy as they darted across your face, “it seems that Irish air’s been for you.”

You smiled back at your friend before pulling her back in for another hug. “I’ve missed you, Lils.”

“Don’t let it go so long next time, yeah? We can come to you, too; I’m teaching James how to be a muggle, and Harry’s only had the odd burst of accidental magic yet. We could play the part in front of your aunt.”

“I’d love that, Lily.” You responded earnestly.

“Y/N!” James hollered then before you were being bodily tackled by the former quidditch chaser, a brief flash of anxiety at his hold around your stomach abating only when he relinquished his hold on you. “Where in the sodding hell have you been!?”

“Killarney.” Lily answered for you.

“I love Killarney!”

“Have you ever been to Killarney, Prongs?” Remus asked then, appearing in the door as he leaned against the archway.

“No! But I love it there! I just know it!”

“Hey Moony.” You greeted, quickly accepting his open arms and breathing him in.

“We’ve missed you.” He murmured into your hair, and you couldn’t help the traitorous hitch in your heart that he might’ve meant-

“Uncle Pafoo!” Harry squealed, suddenly standing right underneath you.

“That’s right, Haz!” The voice that haunts your dreams called out. “Auntie is here!”

“Hullo, Harry!” You cheered as you picked him up, sucking in before settling on your hip. “Happy birthday, little dude.”

“Am two!” He announced as he held up four fingers.

“You are two! Way to go!” You laughed. “Is everyone here?” You asked the room, shooting Sirius a tight smile so you couldn’t be accused of hostility when your heart stuttered for an entirely different reason.

He looked tired - a bone deep tired that no amount of sleep could rectify - and the bags under his eyes seemed to be chronic. But he was still so beautiful; his hair had grown slightly longer since the last time you’d seen it, the last time you’d run your fingers through it, the last time you’d brought sheers to it, and he donned more than a few new tattoos if the few you could see were enough to go by.

You had to look away.

“Reg’s going to be by after work; his part-time student called in sick so he needed to be there to close the shop himself. Thankfully, they’re only open in the morning on Sunday’s.” Remus explained kindly.

“Good, it’ll be nice to see him.” You offered, and the room fell slightly awkward.

“Uncle Pafoo, aeroplane?” Harry asked then, and whatever exhaustion seemed to be plaguing Sirius vanished as he beamed at his godson.

“Absolutely, little man!” He agreed, holding his arms out and taking Harry’s weight from you.

“Do you want something to drink, Y/N? Wine? Beer, Cider? Juice? Water?” James rapid fire, causing Lily to groan.

“We just got her back, Potter. Do try to control yourself.”

“Water would be great, Jamie. Thank you.” You laughed, following the group into the open concept kitchen-to-living room.

Save the fact that you and Sirius seemed to be doing acrobatics to avoid each other, you were almost stunned at how easy and natural being back here felt. Regulus returned and the two of you shared friendly jibes, Lily caught you up on all of the drama at the Ministry, James strong armed you into agreeing to join them for their next pub quiz night, and Remus said that your old professors all wished you well.

You loved your cottage - the home you’d built for yourself and your little one - but you found yourself feeling homesick for here, and you hadn’t even left yet.

You were leaning on your elbows against the kitchen island, watching Sirius and Regulus pretend to be knights in shining armour as they fought off a fire breathing dragon (Harry) to save the princess (James) when Remus appeared beside you and mirrored your stance.

“It’s not the same without you, you know?” He murmured then.

“But they seem to be alright.” You responded simply, and Remus allowed the two of you to fall into silence for a few beats.

“How far along are you?”

You stood up straight and turned to stare at him in horror, only to see him smiling kindly at you.

“How do you-”

“Lycanthropy - I could smell it on you.” He said with an embarrassed wrinkle of his nose. “I knew Lily was pregnant before she did.”

You shushed him and looked over your shoulder to ensure no one else could hear you.

“Come.” He said with a sigh, gently taking you by the elbow and ushering you out of the sliding doors to the back yard and closing it behind the two of you.

“Remus-”

“Is it his?” He cut you off; his face held no judgement though perhaps just a touch of concern. For you or his best friend/virtual brother-in-law, you weren’t sure.

“Yes.” You whispered, not bothering to clarify who he was talking about; you both knew.

Remus simply nodded as he looked you over. “Is that why you left?”

“He left first.” You hissed petulantly.

“He left you, but you left all of us.” Remus countered somewhat sternly. “Besides, I didn’t ask about him; is this why you left?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because, Remus!” You shouted, tears flooding your vision as you turned to look at him. “Because he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want me. I wasn’t going to force him to come back just because… just because.”

“Don’t you think he should have been able to make that choice for himself?” Remus asked gently.

“He chose! He did choose! He told me he couldn’t play house, he told me he couldn’t be this person for me. I loved him enough to accept that. I loved him enough to let him go.”

“Loved?” Remus asked with a tilt of his head. “Past tense?”

“Remus.” You groaned. “Please.”

“He came back for you, you know.” Remus pointed out. “He left you, you left us, but he came back for you.”

“Stop it.”

“It’s true, Y/N.”

“And so what if it is?” You nearly sobbed. “So what if he did, Remus? What can I do? I can’t go back in time and change my mind, I can’t go back and fix this. He made choices, I made choices, and here we are.”

Remus heaved a sigh and looked at you sadly. “I don't think either of you realise that your choices don’t have to remain permanent; there can be an expiration date on them.”

You were catching your breath from your mini temper tantrum when you heard the glass door slide open, both you and Remus turning to see Sirius standing there almost shy - far shier than you’d ever seen him before.

“Just talk to him? Okay? You..don’t have to tell him now, just…talk to him.” Remus whispered before heading towards the door, clapping Sirius on the back before disappearing back into the house.

“Hey.” Sirius offered cautiously after a few beats of silence, coming to stand beside you as the two of you looked over the railing of the patio to the rest of the manor grounds.

“Hey.” You returned dumbly, clearing your throat before continuing. “You…you look good, Sirius.”

Sirius scoffed, and you could feel your shoulder rising before you saw him smirk at you - if not somewhat sadly - cutting you a playful glare from the corner of his eye. “Did you take up lying there in Ireland?”

You let out a breathy half-laugh. “I’m not lying.”

“Then you need glasses. I look like shite.”

“You look tired.” You amended.

“I’m exhausted.” He agreed, and the two of you lapsed into silence.

“You look good, though.” He continued. “Healthy.”

You hummed in agreement. “Funny what not having to run on rations and broken hours of sleep on military cots does for a person.”

“Why haven’t I heard from you, Y/N?” He blurted then, turning his entire body to face you.

“Sirius, I-”

“Everyone else has. You’ve spoken to Lily on the phone. James and Remus have gotten letters. Even Reg got a postcard for his birthday.”

“I’m sorry.” Was all you could manage to say.

“I wrote to you.” He continued. “Letters, a lot. Did you get them?”

You nodded your head yes shamefully.

“Did you read them?”

You felt your heart splinter at how hopeful and heartbroken he sounded over it. You felt like scum of the earth when you shook your head no, and he let out a sigh.

“I guess that makes me feel a little bit better, then.” He said as he lit a cigarette and took a deep drag.

You found yourself taking a step away from him when you asked “why does that make you feel better?”

He let out a humourless laugh that forced smoke from his lips. “At least now I know that my begging for a second chance, begging you to come home, professing my love for you isn’t what kept you away.”

“Sirius-”

“I messed up, Y/N.” He declared earnestly. “I…I was fucking scared, terrified. I’d spent so much of my life living with one foot on the threshold of hell that after the war, I didn’t know how to live amongst the undead.”

He took a moment to catch his breath as if he’d run all the way here just to tell you something. “And I ran. I bolted, I…”

“You left.” You finished for him.

“I left.” He agreed. “I… I didn’t know, Y/N.”

“Didn’t know what?” You asked as you choked back tears.

“Didn’t know what I had, or what I wanted. Or that I had everything that I wanted.”

“And you do, now? You know what you want?” You asked, and a look of determination painted his features as he met your gaze head on.

“For my entire life, I had never known what family meant, so I wasn’t even aware that I’d created my own with all of you until I’d risked it all. I was so sure I didn’t want to be like my parents that I never realised I may actually…want to be a parent someday. I was so sure I didn’t want to be my father that I never realised I actually did want to be a partner someday. I was so certain I’d never know what true love felt like that I didn’t even realise I had it right here all along with you.”

“Sirius-”

“I messed up. I left. But what I don’t understand is why you did. Or why you stayed away.” He took a step towards you with his cigarette long forgotten in one of his hands, the ash threatening to burn his fingers before you plucked it and stubbed it out on the stone railing. He barely flinched. “Why’d you go?”

“I didn’t want to sit around and wait for you, Sirius. I- it hurt, I was hurt. And then-”

“I’m sorry.” He offered quickly, but you shook your head.

“I’m not telling you this for you to be sorry, I just-”

“I came back for you.”

“But it wasn’t just about me anymore, Sirius!” You shouted then, and you watched his brows furrow before his face fell in horror.

“You’re seeing someone.” He asked, though he phrased it as more of a statement; like he’d been expecting it.

“I’m not seeing anyone, Sirius.” You sighed.

“Then why’d you leave? Why’d you stay away?”

“Because I’m pregnant.” You blurted, and Sirius fell silent. “I’m almost six months pregnant.”

“Six-” He started, eyes falling to your stomach still hidden behind the baggy article of clothing before you smoothed the fabric over your ever rounding bump. “Six months. Six…”

You let him do the maths in the head as he stared hard at your stomach like he was sitting in divination and it was a crystal ball that might just give him the answers if only he stared at it long enough.

“It’s mine?” He finally concluded.

“Yes.” You whispered.

“It’s mine. You’re pregnant, it’s mine.” He murmured, before his eyes met yours again. “You’re pregnant with my child?”

“Right.” You agreed, and he crumpled to a heap on the floor.

“Sirius Orion Black,” Sirius heard Remus hiss, clearly hovering somewhere over him, “I swear to Godric if you do not wake up and eat some of this godsdamned vanilla cake you bought, your brother is going to skin you alive.”

“It’s true.” James agreed from somewhere on Sirius’ other side. “He actually ran to the store when he found out you bought vanilla because he knew Remus wouldn’t eat any of it. Remus is going to get his chocolate cake, and you’re going to get egged.”

“Shut up.” Sirius hissed as he scrunched his eyes closed. “Fuck.”

“How do you feel, mate?” James asked rather jovially as he clapped him roughy on the shoulder.

“Like hell.”

“Why’s that?” Remus joined in.

“Because I was in the middle of a dream and you sods woke me up going on about cake.” He muttered as he opened his eyes, realising then that he’d been propped up on a number of cushions in one of Lily and James’ spare rooms.

“S’he awake?” Lily whispered, and Sirius craned his neck to see you and Lily poke your heads into the room.

“Oh my gods.” Sirius breathed as he sat up, likely far too fast for someone who fell unconscious mere moments ago. “Oh my gods, you’re actually here?”

“Did you hit your head, mate?” James asked as he prodded at Sirius’ head, causing Sirius to swat his arms away as he shifted towards the edge of the bed.

“You’re here.” He whispered as you slowly made your way into the room.

“I’m here.” You offered cautiously, eyes darting around at your oldest friends like there might be some secret threat lurking in the room.

“You’re pregnant…” He tried then, punching the air right out of Lily and James who both spun to stare at you in shock.

You smoothed the fabric of your shirt over your midsection again to expose a very obvious (now that everyone could actually see it) baby bump.

“Oh my gods!” Lily and James chorused, causing Remus to snort.

“You knew, didn’t you!?” Lily accused Remus who held his hands up in surrender.

“Only when she walked in, and not a second sooner.”

“With my child.” Sirius continued, and you nodded at him.

“Y/N.” Lily winced. “You-”

“You sodding scared me!” You shrilled then, grabbing one of the throw pillows James had dumped onto the ground to make room for Sirius and swinging it at him.

“I scared you!?” Sirius shrieked right back, much to the delight of Harry who started banging on the throw pillow that had landed beside him.

“I thought I killed you!”

“Oh, well I’m terribly sorry that finding out the woman I’ve been in love with for years and pining hopelessly over for months - who was missing for all intents and purposes, may I remind you - is pregnant with my child happened to be a little shocking.” Sirius sneered sarcastically.

“Well I only went ‘missing’ because the man I’ve been hopelessly in love with for years and pining hopelessly over for months took off an-” The abrupt end of your statement nearly gave the room whiplash as you cut yourself off mid sentence and stared at Sirius like you’d never seen him before.

“What…what just happened?” James whispered carefully.

“Years?” You whispered then, and Sirius hated every version of himself that deigned to let you go without knowing just how loved you were.

“Probably when we were still just cosmic dust.” Sirius smiled sadly. “I’m sorry I didn’t always realise, I’m sorry I didn’t make sure that you knew.”

“I take it to guess there isn’t an aunt in Killarney?” Lily offered then, smiling kindly at you when you turned your attention towards her.

“No, I- I think there actually is an aunt in Killarney, I just don’t live with her.”

“Where do you live?” Sirius asked eagerly, wondering if you could hear it in his voice or even see on his face just how desperate he was to know everything about you.

“Near Tintagel.” You offered abashedly as Remus slapped his hand on his thigh.

“You minx!” He scolded you. “You lived basically across the channel from me this whole time!”

“I hope it’s nice, wherever it is” You offered him then, smiling through your tears as Sirius swallowed around his bile threatening its way up his oesophagus.

“I hope it’s nice.” Sirius blurted suddenly, and Sirius thanked the heavens for Remus John Lupin who seemed to understand that the conversation delved beyond the need of an audience, scooping Harry up and closing the door behind Lily, James, and himself to give you two some privacy.

“It’s nice.” You offered wetly. “It’s quiet.”

Sirius hummed in acknowledgement. “In Tintagel, near Merlin’s cave?”

You laughed, which saw Sirius smiling. “I’m not right in Tintagel, just outside. My neighbours are mostly sheep.”

“Does it have a picket fence?”

“To keep the sheep out of my garden.” You nodded with a smile.

“Flowers; lots of them.” Sirius deduced, you nodded again though Sirius watched your smile falter.

“You’d probably hate it.”

“Are you there?” He asked quickly.

“Well, usually, yes.” You offered, and Sirius shrugged easily.

“Sounds as though it might be my favourite place in the world, then.”

The next breath that left you shuddered on its way out, and Sirius finally stood and met you in the middle of the room; close enough to touch but not daring to. He hadn’t earned that right yet.

“Take me with you?” He all but begged then, and your face crumpled in misery.

“Sirius, I don’t want you to follow me because you have to, I-”

“I don’t have to though, I know I don’t; I know you’d never make me.” He assured you then, lifting a hand but pausing to wait for you to nod at him before he placed it on your upper arm. “The letters, Y/N, I- I’ve been looking for you for months.”

A sob tore through you as you lowered your head, and Sirius allowed himself to catch it in his free hand.

“I don’t want you to feel bad; I’m not telling you so that you feel bad, love.” The endearment falling off his tongue so easily now that he had you in his arms. “But I need you to know that I want you - any of you, all of you - and have for a very long time.”

“It’s just…you said-” and Sirius knew exactly what he said; he had played that conversation over and over and over in his mind until he found himself sick over it more than once. But we waited for you to tell him anyhow; he’d always wait for you. “You couldn’t settle down and be content, you couldn’t play house; you weren’t that kind of guy.”

“I know, doll. I know.” He whispered. “I…I didn’t think I was capable of it. I didn’t think I deserved everything I wanted and I knew that you deserved better. That you deserve better.”

“But?”

“But I’d be happy to spend the rest of my life trying to prove you otherwise; trying to give you everything you deserve.”

“Sirius…” You sighed, and Sirius could see your walls cracking. “I…I’m-”

“Take me home? Please?” He begged then, words interrupted by a sob of his own. “To Tintagel, to Killarney, to bloody fucking Azkaban or the bottom of the sodding ocean, I don’t care where it is just as long as it’s with you, please. Please.”

Your hands landed on Sirius’ chest and he was sure you could feel his hummingbird heart beating under your fingertips. He only hoped you knew how it beat for you.

“Please bring me home?”

James didn’t know if he could consider this a success or not.

His motivation was not singular; it was a ‘hit two fairies with one gobstone’ sort of scenario, so to speak. Was his son turning two? Indeed he was! Was James throwing a party for said son’s birthday? You’re damned right he was. But was it also a really good excuse to force two of his idiot best friends into the same room again? Absolutely.

Except James seems to have gotten slightly more than he bargained for; Sirius falling unconscious in his childhood backyard, you sobbing into Lily’s shoulder out in the hallway as he and Remus tried to bring him back from the dead, Remus sneering at a slice of birthday cake like it personally offended him and Regulus threatening to defend his boyfriend’s honour, and - apparently - a new niece or nephew coming in the next three-ish months.

But when he looked over to see you and Sirius emerging from the spare room - both of your faces tear stained and puffy from the grief and torment you no doubt put yourselves through - hands intertwined between your bodies and your hand resting protectively over your growing bump, and a spark in Sirius’ eyes James had thought he lost in the war but now realised he only lost when he lost you…

…yeah, James figured he could probably consider this a success.

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